Hola, Fangbangers! This week on TVD, someone DIED again . . .
but maybe not permanently . . . it’s kind of hard to tell.
Someone left Mystic Falls
forever for a REALLY, REALLY LONG TIME for a few episodes, at LEAST!
And someone RETURNED FROM ETERNAL EXILE, at least until her NEXT eternal exile!
This is a big deal, right? I mean these sorts of things don’t happen every week . . .
OK, you got me. They kind of do happen every week in Mystic Falls. But still! When someone dies, they usually stay dead!
When someone leaves, they usually stay gone!
When someone returns, they usually stick around.
All these things could mean big changes for the show, as we know it. RIGHT?
No? Oh well! On with the recap, anyway . . .
[As always, special thanks to Andre, who will undoubtedly miss screencapping JerBear’s abs, just as much as I miss writing about them!]
Skin Care with Damon Salvatore
When we last left Damon Salvatore, he was dead . . .
No, seriously. I don’t mean like “undead.” I mean, that vampire hunter guy snapped his neck, and he wasn’t breathing. (See what I mean about deaths being unusually passe and temporary, on this show?)
Anywhoo, Damon’s alive again now . . .
Except, he’s got a noose around his neck, and is being humiliatingly dragged around Lost Island by the guy who “killed” him . . .
These two are flirting with one another, something fierce. The Vampire Hunter (who’s name is “Vaughn” by the way), compares Damon to a mosquito, an adorable pet name, if I’ve ever heard one.
He also tells Damon that he’s been watching him, and all his friends closely (Though, apparently, not closely enough to know that Damon doesn’t give two craps about Bonnie.); and that he plans to use him to wake and kill the Infamous Silas.
In return, Damon remarks on Vaughn’s nifty new tattoo (which apparently sprouted new wings around the same time THIS happened) . . .
Then, the eternal stud boasts of his own, supple, ink-free, skin.
Oh, just get a room already, you two . . . or at least a nice hole in the ground!
We interrupt this Very Sexy Infomercial for another “Previously on The Vampire Diaries” phone conversation . . . Take it away, Elena . . .
“Like previously . . . on The Vampire Diaries . . . we all went to this crazy island, where dudes wearing dreadlocks and white face paint occasionally try to stake us and shoot us with arrows. But you and Tyler didn’t get to come, because you were both busy getting hit on / almost murdered by Klaus. And then, like, Damon and I TOTALLY got into this big fight, because I want to take The Cure. And he like . . . doesn’t? And then he disappeared, and I thought it was because he was mad at me. But I think he’s like actually in a lot of danger? So, um, anyway, even though last week we said we had no cell phone reception here, and now it seems like we lied . . . would you mind going to Klaus’ house, picking up his sword map, and sending us pictures of it? Because we totally came to this remote and dangerous island without any plan, whatsoever?”
“What? Elena? I can’t hear you. This is a really bad connection. *makes fake static noises into the phone* Ohhh, I think I’m losing you. Gotta go. Have fun failing to get The Cure. Byeeeeeee!”
“I can’t believe that b*tch hung up on me, on MY SHOW!”
Then, Caroline goes to Klaus’ house, so she can fondle his big ancient sword, which isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds . . .
“Thanks so much for your help! Here, have a rock!”
Poor Not-Johnny Depp . . .
He went through all this trouble to capture Bonnie and JerBear, and all he got for his troubles was a DAMN ROCK!
Shane said the rock . . . like . . . had some sh*t like that. Bull honky! It looked like a plain old rock to me! And it certainly didn’t help keep Not Johnny Depp from ending up like this . . .
Sorry Not Johnny Depp guy! Unlike the rest of the characters on this show, I’m thinking you are probably going to STAY dead. But hey, look on the bright side, at least you don’t have to shell out extra cash for a fancy gravestone! You already have a rock!
Aramaic for Dummies
Back in Mystic Falls, Tyler, Caroline and Klaus are having a great time surfing for porn on the internet . . .
“Hey, look! It’s Andre’s screencaps!”
. . . and taking turns rubbing Klaus’ big ancient sword . . .
Tyler: “I think my sword is bigger.”
Caroline: “Trust me, it isn’t.”
“Hey Caroline, don’t YOU want to hold my sword for a little while?”
Tyler: “I’m not going to lie, this is making me feel a bit uncomfortable.”
Actually, Tyler and Caroline are using Klaus’ surprise knowledge of Aramaic to translate the sword. They immediately call Rebekah on the phone to share the intel with her, figuring she’s on Team Scooby, anyway, so why not. But then Klaus drops a
not particularly surprising, because we all pretty much knew this from the beginning bombshell on them, which makes them wish they used cell phone minutes a bit more wisely. As it turns out, there’s only enough vampire cure for ONE PERSON!
Oh no! If Vampire Klaus Barbie gets to the cure first, the Scooby Gang won’t be able to use it to . . . SAVE ELENA! Oh the humanity!
“I don’t know why I’m crying. I’m not even on this show.”
So, I guess now, in the words of the Three Musketeers, it’s all for one, and one for . . . ONE?
Meanwhile, back on Lost Island . . .
Stefan and Elena – Friends Forever . . . Literally
Stefan and Elena share a nice platonic moment, during which Stefan admits that he still wants to grow old and eventually croak, even if that means never being able to insert his 160 + year old weiner (which might very well become instantly wrinkly, once he gets the cure) into Elena ever again. Watching from afar, Rebekah doesn’t find this moment all that platonic . . .
Poor Beks . . . she’s always a bridesmaid. (But hey, at least she’s the bridesmaid that ends up getting laid in the coat closet at the wedding reception!)
With her new knowledge about The Cure in tow, Rebekah cleverly separates Elena from Stefan, so that she can reveal to the latter her deep dark secret about The Cure’s limitations. She then asks Stefan if he’s going to end up giving the darn thing to Elena, anyway. He can’t deny it, so she breaks his neck. Ahhhh, young love . . . or, perhaps, I should say really, really, really old love!
And just like that, another temporary death has rocked Mystic Falls.
Later, Elena comes to Stefan’s temporary death rescue, at which time he breaks for her the bad news about The Cure. Elena’s response to this news is arguably more surprising than anything else that happens during the episode . . .
WOAH! Look who’s gone and become all self-aware on us!
All sarcasm aside, I was kind of proud of Elena, in this moment. In past seasons, Elena has always been treated by the rest of the cast (except, maybe Rebekah) as a Delicate Flower, because she was a young fragile human, in a world of Old Dangerous Vampires, Werewolves, Witches and Whatevers.
“And what am I, chopped liver?”
But now, Elena is a vampire, who has committed murder.
She has no greater claim on her humanity / right to The Cure than any other life-loving vampire on this show. And the fact that she understands that, and is willing to own up to it, makes me a lot more sympathetic to her character, than I have been in recent episodes . . .
In fact, Elena gets over the fact that she’s probably going to be a vampire for the rest of eternity, a lot quicker than one might suspect. Instantly, she’s rushing toward the cave, dragging Stefan in tow, so that the pair can obtain the cure, and use it ON KLAUS!
“Not before I get my spinoff, b*tches!”
Things we do for love . . .
Also in the cave, Damon refuses to continue to be dragged around as Vaughn’s vampire puppy dog.
“I’ll let you off your leash, once you lift your leg and pee on the tree!”
Like the rest of the crew, thanks to Vaughn, he has also been blessed (or cursed, depending on the way you see things) with the knowledge that there is only one cure. And while Vaughn’s idea to use the cure on SILAS, thereby preventing an impending apocalypse, even if it means all vampires shall STAY vampires for eternity, definitely seems like the better deal for Damon . . .
. . . he’s still willing to risk all that, if it means making the woman he loves happy. (Little does Damon know, Elena is TOTALLY willing to forgo the cure, if it means continuing to bone him for the rest of time, without Klaus constantly on their tail.) So, Damon makes a move to beat the crap out of Vaughn, along with some help from a surprising source . . .
So what if they both end up totally getting their asses handed to them, by a mere HUMAN guest star, and end up passed out next to one another on the floor . . .
It’s the thought that counts, right!
Later, when Stefan and Elena come to Damon’s rescue, he agrees to bow out gracefully, and let Stefan keep the proverbial Hero Hat that fits his slightly large head so well. Damon doesn’t really want Elena to have the cure, because he fears it will be the end of their relationship. But he’s not going to inadvertently stand in the way of her obtaining it either . . .
Further up in the cave, Elena encounters a familiar face . . . one that has no trouble whatsoever kicking her BUTT!
“This is sooooo not my episode! I’m calling my agent.”
Golly gee! I wonder who it could be?
It’s the CIRCLE OF LIFE and tattoo removal
Over in Nosebleed Bonnie land, Shane finds a Perfect Circle, and
positively no one’s everyone’s favorite witch uses the shape as an excuse to fondle Jer Bear’s naked body, once again. (Honestly, can you blame her?)
JerBear: “But Bonnie, I thought you loved me for my mind?”
Bonnie: “Shut up and take off your pants, I have Very Important Witchy Work to do!”
JerBear: “But the tattoo is only on my chest.”
Bonnie: *whistles awkwardly*
Bonnie: “Wow, I can feel your tattoo moving and growing. The magic must be working.”
Jer Bear: *whistles awkwardly*
Bonnie must have really strong hands! All it takes is a few fondles, and Jer Bear’s tattoo’s disappear, like he’s just had the Best Laser Treatment EVER!
“Thanks for the free tattoo removal. You know, I also have this freckle on my left butt cheek that I never much cared for. Do you think you could take that off too?”
Elsewhere, Vaughn’s tattoos disappear as well. Unfortunately, no one had the foresight to take off HIS shirt, or this could have REALLY been a party!
“This is total crap. I’m calling my agent too!”
Knowing what a total unapologetic perv I am, I suspect a lot of you assumed that my favorite part of this episode was that the mere fact of Bonnie touching JerBear’s Man Parts caused an honest-to-goodness avalanche in the Silas Cave . . .
But that’s not true at all! My actual favorite part of the episode came a little later, when that same avalanche ended up paralyzing Professor Dumpy Dork, and the rest of the Scooby Gang left him to ROT!
Now THAT was awesome! Honestly, they should have done that about five episodes ago!
But then, JerBear has to go and ruin all that awesomeness, by putting his shirt back on. LAME!
“I’m sorry! My nipples got cold, OK?”
Welcome back, Zombie Granny!
Bonnie knows she’s getting closer to Silas’ coffin when her Ghost Granny, who is suddenly sporting a SERIOUS case of the Crazy Eyes, pops up out of no where, and tells her that she should feed her blood to the rotted dead corpse . . .
“Hi sweetie! Go kill yourself, OK? Grandma knows best!”
Fortunately, JerBear, who’s seen more dead people in his lifetime than that kid from The Sixth Sense . . .
. . . knows that Zombie Grams is nothing more than a figment of Bonnie’s Silas-controlled imagination. He knows some sense into Bon-Bon, just in time for her to get stabbed in the back by that pesky Vampire Hunter Vaughn.
The Long(ish) Goodbye
With Bonnie out of commission, Klaus has earned his Get Out of Box Free Card, and can no return to the important work of Terrorizing the Cast of The Vampire Diaries Until His Spinoff Begins . . .
Not wanting Klaus to kill her boyfriend again, or chase him out of town for the 85,000th time, Caroline appeals to the Original Vampire’s “softer side,” by admitting to him that, like him, she too prefers her fangy, eternally youthful self, to the shallow, self-absorbed human brat she was back in Season 1 . . .
. . . at least not anymore . . .
In return for this heartfelt admission, Klaus agrees to let Tyler take another multi-episode hiatus, before he goes and tries to kill him again.
Caroline: “Does this mean that Tyler gets a spinoff too? It could be called Hungry Like a Hybrid?”
Klaus: “Don’t push your luck.”
Outside on the porch, Caroline and Tyler share a tearful, sweet, and possibly, but probably not, permanent, goodbye. . .
Tyler: “See you next season?”
Caroline: “Absolutely . . . well . . . unless the writers have given me another love interest by then, in which case, nice knowing ya . . .”
The on again, off-again couple genuinely promise to attempt to live full and happy lives without one another. And I swear I’m not crying, it’s just raining on my face . . . or I’m chopping onions . . . or something . . .
The Selfless Salvatore
Speaking of touching, Rebekah and Damon share a surprisingly genuine moment, during which Rebekah expresses her admiration for Damon’s selflessness, with regard to Elena and the cure.
I really do like Rebekah, and think it’s about time she gets herself a hookup that isn’t Elena’s sloppy seconds. Anyone else agree?
Further down in the cave, we FINALLY get our first glimpse of the ever elusive SILAS . . .
And I hate to say this, but he kind of looks like Mikael . . . you know . . . that OTHER big scary vampire type, who started off entombed, until he fed on one of the cast members, and then awoke, only to die about two episodes later . . .
If you recall, it was actually the unlucky Kat, who received the honors of being Mikael’s first meal, which is fitting, when you think about it, because . . . well . . . I’ll get to that in a bit.
So, Vampire Hunter Vaughn is fighting with Vampire Hunter Jer Bear, when “Elena” makes a surprise appearance, and rescues her brother from certain death . . .
JerBear’s first hint that “Elena” isn’t quite herself, is when he has to REMIND her not to KILL Vaughn, and risk being saddled with that pesky Vampire Hunter Murderer curse again. His second hint, is when she refuses to help paralyzed Bonnie,
which I think is just good sense. That witch is a pain in thee ass!
But alas, JerBear figures out a bit too late that the vampiric female, who came to his rescue is not his sister at all, but . . . wait for it . . . KATHERINE PIERCE . . .
Annnd . . . then she feeds JerBear to Silas, who breaks his neck, and leaves him lying dead on the floor. (So much for avoiding that Hunter Killer Curse, Katherine!)
So, is Mystic Falls’ Shirtless Wonder REALLY dead? Or just FAKE DEAD . . . like all those other times?
It’s hard to tell at this point. And this makes it difficult for me, as a viewer, to have a genuine emotional response to a loss which, if it actually sticks, will be a pretty major blow to the Mystic Falls Community, on multiple levels . . .
(I’ll miss those ARMS, that’s for sure!)
The promos certainly want us to believe that JerBear is gone for good.
But IS he?
Only time . . . and next week’s episode will tell . . . See ya then, Fangbangers!