Tag Archives: 4.16

Elena the Cheerleader Slayer – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Bring it On”

cheerleading

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Welcome back, Fangbangers!   This week on TVD, we got a chance to meet BAAAAAD Elena.  For those who are confused, BAAAAD Elena is actually not all that different from Good Elena.  She just wears less clothes, and eats more people!  (After all, perpetual nudity does cause one to work up an appetite . . . or so I’ve heard.)

freaking hungry

Also, in this episode, Klaus, the thousand-year old vampire drawer of ponies, ugly snowflakes, and random shapeless mounds of what look like poop “artist” extraordinaire, FINALLY GOT LAID, thus making him a hero for geriatrics everywhere!

klaus cheers

funny face grandpa

OK, so, it may not have been the most eventful TVD episode ever (or the second most, or even the eighth most).  But I guess after the doom and gloom of “Stand by Me,” the writers thought we were in need of something a little lighter . . . like a cheerleading competition!

spirit fingers

So, tighten up that high ponytail, puff up your pom-poms, and, for heaven sakes, leave that blue hair ribbon at home, because it’s time to “BRING IT ON!”

[As always, special thanks to Andre for the kickass screencaps.  This may be the first time, in a long time that he’s liked an episode more than I did.  Go figure!]

Drive-Thru Fast Food

car coming

She may be emotion free, and have terrible manners.

dont feel anything

kind of dead

But our Bad Elena is an incredible little student.  Look how effortlessly she perfected the Katherine and Damon method of Roadside Dine n’ Dash!

car parallel 1

car parallel 2 holding on my heart

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One small problem, of course.  For an undead girl, Bad Elena makes for a very unconvincing corpse.  At least Katherine and Damon bloodied their faces and went easy on the guyliner, for their “Monthly Street Lie-In.”  Not only was Bad Elena’s makeup flawless, her outfit unwrinkled, and her hair un-mussed, on her Roadkill Debut, but, for whatever reason, girlfriend decided to lay in the road, SPREAD EAGLED?

spread eagle

It kind of makes you wonder what Bad Elena was supposedly doing, before she was “hit by a car,” to make her “land” in such a precarious position.  Cheerleading, perhaps?  Or, maybe, something even more “athletic” . . .

delena sex real

ian says awesome

Anywhoo, our nameless, identity-free, unsuspecting, driver stops to help Roadkill Elena (as all nameless, identity-free, unsuspecting, drivers inevitably do), and ends up with a neck-full-of gore for her trouble.

friday yet

“Is it Friday yet?”

Have no fear, Nameless, Identity-free, Unsuspecting Driver!  Damon Salvatore has arrived to rescue you!

rescue

“Elena, darling.  Save some room for dessert!”

 I mean, sure, you are still probably going to be spending the next month of your life, sporting the ugliest neck hickey in the History of Neck Hickeys.  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you still have a neck!

happy elena

Damon tells Elena to “practice some restraint.” It’s worthwhile noting that this comment that would have been a lot funnier, had it been said by Season 1 Damon . . .

rawr damon

. . . than by Season 4 Damon, who — much to Delena fans’ chagrin — has somehow managed to only have sex with Elena ONE TIME, since this whole Sire Bond storyline crapped on graced our screens.

is this real

Season 4 Damon is the Granddaddy of Restraint, at least when it comes to his superhuman ability to nurse these . . .

blue balls

Coed Naked Elena

Damon drags a bloody faced, perpetually bored looking, but decidedly less hungry, Elena back home.  Shortly thereafter, at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Daddy Damon has a “family meeting” with Mommy Stefan, and Judgmental-Older Sister Caroline about how to handle their new unruly vampire baby.

listen

“Are they talking about me?  They are totally talking about me, aren’t they?”

Sidenote:  I did find myself briefly amused by the fact that, of ALL the houses in Mystic Falls, the SALVATORE water supply, just so happens to be the only one not laced with vervain.  Not only is that ridiculously convenient plot wise — how else would we get to see five glorious minutes of Damon singing in the shower, every other episode? — it’s also SUCH a major failure on the part of the Mayor.   I mean, Mystic Falls doesn’t seem like that BIG of a town, right?  In fact, I’d go as far as to say that at least 15% of the town’s vampire population currently lives, has lived at, or WILL live at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And THAT’S the house they miss vervaining?

surrounded by idiots

Then again, this guy is related to Bonnie.  So, maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised . . .

2 22 bloody nose bonnie

Sorry, to all you Bonnie lovers out there.  I’m not sorry.

(Speaking of everyone’s favorite Witch Who Joined the Cult of Silas, girlfriend was notably absent from this week’s cheer festivities, thus proving that Shane/Silas ruins EVERYTHING . . . even extracurricular activities.)

fanboy 2

But back to this All-Important Family Meeting, Elena walks in on it, as unruly vampire babies are wont to do.  But, here’s the kicker, she’s TOTALLY NAKED . . . which would be a lot more surprising, if we hadn’t seen it in the promos.

naked elena

naked torrence

Still, it was fun to see the various characters’ reactions, to Elena in her birthday suit.  They were embarrassed (Stefan), amused (Damon), and aghast (Caroline) respectively.

soapy damon

see naked

the show

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By the way, did you notice how Elena’s “It’s not like you haven’t all seen it before” statement included Caroline?  Now, THAT would make for a great fanfiction  . . .

There Goes the Neighborhood

Before Elena heads off for her first day back to school in about eight episodes since her “dehumanizing,” she and Damon play a quick game of Sire Says.  For those of you who are unfamiliar, Sire Says, is a lot the Simon Says game you used to play as kids, except the commands take a lot longer to carry out than your typical, “jump on one leg,” “pat your head, while rubbing your tummy” sort of instructions.  Plus, rather than saying the typical “Sire Says,” prior to giving a command, Damon is forced to say something like, “If you really loved me you’d . . .”

want you to do

(Where have we heard that one before, ladies?)

But here’s the rub.  BAAAAAAD Elena doesn’t love anybody anymore, which kind of puts the kibosh on the whole “Sire Bond” thing.

soap dish smash

The good news about that, is that Damon can finally sex with Elena, without worrying about it being . . . you know . . . Sire Bond Sex.

damon-s-dance-o

The bad news is that, without the Sire Bond to force her to switch her emotions back on, BAAAAD Elena could very well end up being BAAAAD Elena FOREVER . . . or at least until the next Sweeps period . . .

damon soulful crying

The Quick and the Undead

In non-Elena related news (Who am I kidding?  Everything on this show somehow ties back to Elena.) , Hayley (Remember her?) is wandering around some random gas station when some hot, soon-to-be-dead, vampire comes thisclose to making her into a tasty werewolf burger.

going to eat

meat with eyes

And you are never going to guess who saves her?

nite bite

Wait, yeah you are, because you already saw the episode. It’s Klaus.  You see, Katherine wants Hayley dead, because Hayley was a party to Katherine’s plans to steal the cure, and, therefore, might know her whereabouts.  And Klaus wants Hayley alive, for the exact same reason.  Comprende?

nodding oh yeah

Now, Klaus has two people to mine for information about Katherine’s whereabouts: (1) Hayley, obviously; and (2) the now-dying-of-werewolf bite guy who just tried to kill Hayley on Katherine’s behalf.  So, he makes things easier for himself, by sending Damon and Rebekah after the one he doesn’t want to f*&k.  Convenient, right?

fantastic

How’s this for a small world?  When Damon finds Hayley’s would-be killer / Katherine’s minion, it turns out that he knows the guy!  It’s some hot vamp named “Will” from New York.  So, Damon decides to do what any self-respecting vampire would do, when he meets up with an old dying friend from New York . .  . he rips his heart out.  Nice knowing ya, Hot Will!  See ya in next week’s flashbacks!

pull heart

“Damon, don’t leave me here to die.  You’re breaking my heart!”

heart tug

smirky damon

“Problem solved!”

Also, in not-related-to-Elena news, it turns out that the mystery person whose been gorging on the local hospital blood supply is . . . wait for it . . . SILAS.  Be afraid, Scooby Gang!  Be very afraid!

surprised-face

Speaking of scary . . .

Cheerleading is a bloodsport . . .

With this odd expression on her face that makes her look like a Stepford Wife controlled by Dr. Evil . . .

blue ribbon

dr-evil

. . . Bad Elena politely requests that Cheer Captain Caroline let her back on the cheerleading squad.  Cheer Captain Caroline (who, come to think of it, bares a striking resemblance to Cheer Captain Torrence, from the first Bring it on Movie)

cheerleader again

dunst make out

. . . thinks this is an AWESOME idea . . . possibly because, in addition to spiking the town’s water supply with Vervain, the Mayor has also spiked it with Stupid.

Damon eye roll

I mean, seriously, how did Vampire Barbie not realize that this was going to end badly.  Hasn’t she ever seen Jennifer’s Body?

Caroline’s questionable judgment aside, Elena is immediately allowed back on the Cheerleading Squad.  And, then, literally the next minute, she’s at a cheer competition.  Now, that’s impressive.  I wonder what poor freshman got [eaten] kicked off the travel squad bus, so that Elena could compete.  Perhaps, it was this one .  . .

april 1

. . . Haven’t seen the generally useless and ridiculously annoying perky April Young lately, have we?  Wouldn’t it be great if, she somehow ended up being Silas?  Just saying . . .

As someone who has attended regional sports competitions in high school, I can tell you, it’s never a good idea to leave your crap on the bus.  ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS take your crap off the bus, OK?  For one thing, those meets are looooooong. You are typically there for hours, and are usually only competing for maybe 7 minutes of that time, if you are lucky.  So, you are definitely going to want to have your crap with you while you wait.

left my crap on bus

“I left my crap on the bus.”

“Haha, moron!”

Also, I’m sure, by now, you’ve noticed that all school buses look alike.  So, the chance of you actually locating yours, when your bus driver isn’t smoking in the front seat, are about as likely as TVD hooking up Matt with Klaus, this season.  And even if you do find it, there’s about a 95% chance it’s locked up tight, which means you’re not getting in there, until that meet is OVER!

Another reason not to leave your crap on the bus? Elena Gilbert might come there, EAT YOU, and take away your ugly blue ponytail ribbon.

on bus

like ribbon 1

like ribbon 2

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When Caroline finds Elena with a TOTALLY NOT MATCHING WITH HER RED UNIFORM blue ponytail ribbon, she is SUPER PISSED .  . . though I’m not sure whether she’s more angry about the whole “eating the competition” thing, or the fact that Elena’s blue ribbon is like totally clashing with the team uniform . . .  Whatever, the reason, she gives Elena a piece of her mind.

not cheerleading

stop me

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cheerocracy

This, in turn, prompts Elena to let Caroline fall on her ass during Cheer Pyramid time.

ploppy

life on my back

“Last time Elena got me on my back, I was having a lot more fun . . .”

Bring it On Torrence would NEVER have stood for that!  It’s time for revenge, Caroline.  Shove that Spirit Stick right up Elena’s ass . . .

spirit stick drop

Or, maybe, just have Stefan do that for you.  Outside Cheer Town, Stefan responds to Elena’s boredly hitting on him, by vervaining her ass and dragging her back home.

in my arms

“I think this is the most play I’ve gotten from Elena all season.”

Meanwhile, back at Klaus House  . . .

The “Art” of Seduction

Haley is not so much admiring, as, insulting Klaus’ artwork, while Klaus attempts, with only limited success, to extract from Tyler’s former Girl Friday information about Katherine’s whereabouts.  Klaus admits that he uses art as a way to exert control over the world around him.  Funny, because that’s exactly how Haley uses sex!

seduce

Klaus wants Caroline, and information about Katherine (which Hayley might have).  Hayley wants Tyler, and information about her long lost family (which Klaus might know, based on his remark about her birthmark).  They agree to form an unholy alliance to help one another get what they want.  Instead of shaking hands on the deal, like normal humans, Klaus and Hayley decide to screw on it, which, I guess, is like shaking private parts.

klaus sex 1

klaus sex 2

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laid 2

getting laid

All right, now I know a lot of fans have been bitching about the whole Klaus / Haley sexual interlude thing.  They say the two actors have no chemistry with one another.  They say the whole scene seemed less designed to drive the plot, and more designed to promote the spinoff, The Originals, in which both characters have already been awarded starring roles.  They have a point . . .

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

But, here’s the thing . . . I’m GLAD Klaus finally got laid on camera.  For one thing, the audience has gone way too long, without seeing Joseph Morgan shirtless, weird Sesame Street-esque triangle back tattoo, notwithstanding.  Are Klaus and Haley a great love match?  Absolutely not.  But it was starting to stretch the realms of believeability that a hormonally-charged, perpetual 20-something, would remain entirely celibate for two-plus years, all because he “fell in love” with a high school girl.  No matter how much Damon loved Elena, he was constantly getting laid, throughout the first three seasons of the series.  And if TVD had any sense of realistic character development, that’s exactly what Klaus should have been doing this whole time .  . . you know, when he wasn’t plotting World Domination and /or staking his siblings, and/or shamelessly hitting on Stefan . . .

klaus face

House Party Munchies

Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena tells Stefan that she remembers him being good in bed . . .

remember sex

good sexx

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stefan salvatore fist pump best

. . . but only in a clinical way . . . not in a way that makes her want to marry him, and have his vampire babies .. . because that’s not what BAAAAD Elena is about.

What is BAAAAD Elena about, you ask?  PARTIES!

dancing elena

3 8 dance

That’s right!  Our impressively efficient Evil Elena somehow manages to invite the ENTIRE SCHOOL to Stefan’s house all within her five minute conversation with him.  Talk about speed text messaging!  She must have learned that from THIS GUY . . .

texting

Damon and Beks arrive at the party, just in time for Damon to tell Klaus Barbie that she shouldn’t really want the cure, because humans are boring . . . well, except for Human Elena, of course . . .

Break on Through

Having survived her brush with Cheer Death, Caroline arrives at the party, SUPER PISSED at her gal pal, Elena.  Her and Stefan are very worried about the state of their friend’s soul, indeed.  But not worried enough to keep them from DANCING . . . HOLLA!

pickup sss

dancing steroline

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dont dance

Despite Stefan having only recently finished sexing up Rebekah, and Caroline only recently having “split” with Tyler (more on that in a bit), these two have been flirting with one another, something fierce lately.   Do I smell a future hookup?  Elena sure seems to . . .

jealous emotion

“Why do I look so jealous?   I’m not supposed to have emotions, this week.”

Man, is this group getting incestuous. . .

We interrupt this dating game to bring you Elena trying to EAT CAROLINE’S MOM!

elena what

drinking drug use

eating mom

“I knew becoming a cop was a mistake.  I should have become a pirate, like I wanted to back when I was a kid.”

pissed car

oh hell to the no

Watch it, Elena!  You almost killed the only parental figure left alive in Mystic Falls.  You’re going to pay . . .

It’s girl fight time!  BRING IT ON!

shut up make me

3 6 warrior elena

strangle regina

And, once again, the Salvatore brothers must come to the rescue . . .

turn on

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This used to be my boyfriend’s house (Now it’s my ex-boyfriend’s house)

Poor Caroline!  Now, I’ve heard of guys breaking up with girls by voicemail, text message, post-it note, even Facebook / Twitter status update.  But I’ve never heard of a guy breaking up with a girl by deeding his house to her ex-boyfriend!  Ouch!

tyler points

And us fans thought JerBear got a bad send off, when his stinky corpse got burnt to a crisp, along with the Gilbert house.  Tyler got two minute voice over, in the same episode where Caroline very much looked like she’d already started moving on with Stefan.  Now, that’s gotta hurt!

crying care bear

“Dammit!  Now, I’ll have to choose from one of the other eight boys on this show currently hitting on me.”

In lighter news, Matt Donovan, Teenage Mansion Owner, just became the RICHEST poor guy, ever!

hey ladies

3 1 high matt tbtvdgifs

“I’ll buy a limousine, instead!”

Maybe now, he can finally stop working at the Only Bar / Social  Establishment in Mystic Falls, and start trying to find himself a REAL storyline . . .

A girl can dream, right?

On the Road Again . . .

thirsty damon 2

dont care

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Pop Quiz:  Where’s the best place to take your now- humanity-free girlfriend on a road trip?

stefan shrug

Personally, I’d go with Vegas.  I mean, they call it Sin City for a reason, right.  Damon, however, opts to bring Elena to New York City, former home of the now literally heartless Will.

city never sleeps 1

city never sleeps 2

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This could be promising . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

waves

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Roses are Red, Tulips are Coke-y : A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “While You Weren’t Sleeping”

WARNING:  Sleep Deprivation and lots of pot can make you do TERRIBLE things, like wear an unflattering robe on your first date, and dance VERY badly to songs by Ke$ha .  . .

Who said Gossip Girl couldn’t make you a better person?  I mean, just think about all the life lessons we learned from this week’s episode of Gossip Girl!   Here are just some of them: (1) Get a good night sleep . . .

(2) Don’t do drugs (unless, they are provided by Chuck Bass).

(3) In life, sometimes, it is important to stop and smell the roses . . . or . . . the tulips . . . to see if they contain coke.

(4) Other times, it is MORE important to smell YOURSELF.  (Personal hygiene is VERY important, PEOPLE!)

(5) Friends are SUPER important.  (Even those sort of dorky friends, who you don’t like to admit are your actual friends, but they totally ARE!)

(6) Oh, and above all?  Never, EVER, be ANYTHING like . . . HER!

Any questions?

Now, that we’ve gotten all those pesky “morals” out of the way, let’s get on with the recap.  Shall we?

Eric’s Turning Legal (and Serena Plays Scrabble?!) – ALERT THE MEDIA!

When the episode opens, Serena an Ben are sharing breakfast in Brooklyn.  Currently, they are engaging in a fascinating conversation about whether the toast they are eating is sufficiently “toasty.”  (I wish I was making this up.  But I’m not.)  Enter, a very pissy looking Dan . . .

Apparently, this “toasty” couple kept Dan up all night, with their . . . playing Scrabble.  (I wish that was a euphemism for something more exciting.  It’s not.) 

Dan expresses some surprise that Serena suddenly knows how to read enjoys playing Scrabble.  But, really, he should not be so surprised.  After all, Serena is one of those girls who pretends to like EVERYTHING her Boyfriend of the Month likes.  For example, when Serena dated Dan, she pretended to like flannel shirts, emo music, old movies, and raccoon zombies named Little J . . .

Much like the rest of us, Dan gets tired of watching Serena and Ben pretend to be a Hot Couple, and leaves. 

Once Dan is out of the picture, Serena flutters her eyelashes, and begs Boring Boyfriend Ben to attend her brother’s 18th Birthday Party, despite the fact that it’s being thrown by the woman who was solely responsible for him spending two years in the pokey for a pedophillic crime he didn’t commit even though he REALLY, REALLY wanted to.

Ben refuses to go to the party, which makes his new girlfriend “very disappointed in him.”  In fact, Serena is more disappointed in Ben now, than she was, back when he hired his sister to try to ruin her life, and ended up almost killing her.  It’s always nice to know that people on this show have their priorities straight . . .

Speaking of ruined lives, and messed up priorities, Eric, a.k.a. Mini vDW, has been pretending to be sick with the flu, so that he can skip his own Barely Legal Birthday Bash, and instead, act as Drug Dealing Damien’s Coke Mule.  (I think I saw a movie like this once . . .).  But, of course, Serena catches Mini vDW in the act, and is, you guessed it, “very disappointed in him.”

Eric explains to Serena how Drug Dealing Damien is blackmailing Eric to deliver kilos of coke, hidden inside pink tulips, or else he will release information, regarding how Lily committed perjury to get Ben thrown in jail all those years ago.  In response, Serena tells him that “she will take care of it.”  This way, Eric can enjoy his Big Stinkin’ Rich, but Still Incredibly Lame, Birthday Party, without the fear of having to spent his first few “legal” years behind bars.  (Golly gee, I wish MY siblings would deal drugs and commit felonies for ME!)

“You know, now that I think about it, this is exactly what I did on MY 18th birthday except I carried all the coke in my ginormous bra!  Ahhhh . . . memories!”

Speaking of folks who could use a good snort of coke . . .

Blair Needs Dan’s Help – ALERT THE MEDIA!

Poor Broken-hearted Blair!  Like the rest of us, she remembers that fateful (*sniffle, sniffle*) speech she made to Chuck a few episodes back, in which she told him that she needed to be successful in her own right, before she could be “Chuck Bass’ Girlfriend.”  So, of course, Blair is trying to become “successful in her own right” as quickly as humanly possible.  This way, she can stop going to the damn movies all the time, and START having mindblowing sex in limosines, AGAIN!

The problem, of course, is that there aren’t enough hours in the day for Blair to be a full-time student,  RUN W Magazine (HAHA!), annoy all the women on the Forbes list, and help Serena with her Problem of the Week.  Oh, did I mention that all her interns QUIT? 

So, Blair has been foregoing sleep, and has hired her minions to do her coursework / errands for her . . .

 She is also letting Dorota DRESS HER.  No wonder Blair ended up wearing a French Maid Halloween Costume to work, yesterday!

When a SUPER SELFISH SERENA comes barging into Blair’s office, demanding that the latter help her come up with a scheme to bring down Drug Dealing Damien (Seriously?  Is Serena not the WORST, MOST SELFISH, FRIEND EVER?  Did she NOT watch what happened to Blair, during last week’s episode?  Has she NO HEART?). Blair is forced to beg for help from the very last person she wanted to ask . . .  THIS GUY.

Dan agrees to help relieve Blair of some of the tremendous burden she is under, provided she admit that he is “a friend” of hers, and not a “minion or underling.”  Blair’s EXTREMELY reluctant, mumbled admittance of this fact, was probably the funniest part of the episode for me. 

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(By the way, kudos to the GG makeup department, for successfully making Blair look bleary-eyed, frazzled, and unrested, yet still TOTALLY fabulous, this week.)

Speaking of Dan, has anybody else started to wonder if he EVER attends classes, downtown, at NYU?  Because, lately, it seems like the guy spends ALL his time (1) hanging around the W offices, where he is NO LONGER EMPLOYED; and (2) following Blair and/or Serena around the Upper East Side, like a little lost puppy dog.  Just sayin’.

Usually a champ at bossing around others, Blair fails to properly direct Dan in how to best serve her.  And so, the poor guy ends up taking on the Drug Mule Duties Blair had originally assigned Minion Penelope.  Oops!  As if that wasn’t bad enough, she told Dan to pick up the WRONG COLOR tulips. As a result, the ones Dan ended up bringing to Eric’s party, though very pretty (Purple is my favorite color!), were disappointingly DRUG FREE . . .

(By the way, I loved how, when the miscolored tulips arrived, the SUPPOSELY non-druggie Eric tested whether they were the right tulips, by SNORTING THEM ALL!)

We are SO on to YOU, Mini vDW!  Get thee to rehab!  GO!

Other things Blair screwed up this week include:

(1) Dictating the WRONG test information to her minion;

(2) Mixing up Eric’s birthday gift, with a gift she bought for her mother; and WORST OF ALL . . .

(3) wearing two MISMATCHED shoes to Eric’s party (They were both REALLY ugly too) where . . .surprise, surprise . . . she was trying to impress some random Special Guest Star influential business figure . . .

Hey Blair, you know what I hear is a really great substitute for sleep, in terms of invigorating the mind, and preventing mishaps like this?  LIMO SEX .   . .

Speaking of Chuck Bass 😉 . . .

Please LORD let this Boring Ass Corporate Takedown Story BE OVER!

We open with Chuck “hiring” Nate as his “wingman” to keep Raina occupied / try to win her back for him, while the Big Bass tried to take down his Girlfriend of the Minute’s daddy, once and for all . . .

Now, normally, I’d say that having your INSANELY HOT best friend babysit your ex-girlfriend for you is a TERRIBLE IDEA.  However, since I (1) DESPISE Chuck and Raina as a couple; (2) NEED Chuck to be single again for OBVIOUS reasons (*cough Chair cough*); (3) and actually don’t mind Raina and Nate as a prospective couple (more on THEM later), I say BRING IT ON!

“Pretend to be ‘in love’ with Random Guest Stars all you want.  But I saw next week’s promos.  And by this time next week, you will absolutely be chasing after ME again, Chuck Bass!”

Next up, we follow Chuck to a “Meeting” with Lily.  During this “Meeting,” Chuck tries to apologize to Lily for getting her fired from Bass Industries, last week.  Lily says she doesn’t forgive him. 

Chuck then accuses Lily of wanting to pork Russell Thorpe, despite being married to Rufus (just like she porked Rufus, back when she was married to Chuck’s dad).  Upon being more or less called a hobag by her adopted son, Lily bitchslaps Chuck.  It’s kind of awesome.

Serves you right for putting me through all this Raina Sh*t, lately!

Then, the camera pans back to THIS image.  And I am suddenly starting to wonder whether I am watching a really bad sitcom . . .

OMG!  Thorpe heard everything from behind his carefully placed newspaper!  – [Insert laughtrack here]

We then, of course, cut to this scene, which illustrates that the scene before it was a TOTAL act by Chuck and Lily, put on entirely for Thorpe’s benefit . . .

Chuck’s ridiculous facial expression here = the REASON screencaps were invented

Apparently, the grand plan is for Lily to go out on a Secret Date with Russell and pretend to want his hot bod . . .

Meanwhile, Chuck will use the key cards he got from Nate’s dad last week, to break into Russell’s office, and find evidence that will ultimately save his company from inevitable destruction. 

(How convenient that Mr. Big Real Estate Tycoon’s office is never locked or guarded.  I also like how underling employees / Ex-Cons with Known Drug Problems, like Nate’s dad, are, not only given keys to the CEO’s office, but also, apparently, the personal passwords to his laptop computer, and all Secret Files included therein.  Donald Trump to Russell Thorpe:  “YOU’RE FIRED . .  . Moron!”)

“Oh look, there’s a file on here named: The Key to Chuck Bass Saving His Company.  I wonder if it’s relevant.”

Earlier, I stated that the part of the episode where Blair asked Dan for help was the funniest moment in the hour.  I lied.  It was the second funniest.  The FUNNIEST moment was when we got a look at Russell Thorpe’s e-mail and saw THIS . . .

COME ON, Gossip Girl!  This Russell guy is planning a Super Secret, Possibly Illegal corporate takeover, and his ENTIRE inbox is filled with e-mails that are OBVIOUSLY related to said takeover.  That’s just not realistic!  I mean, at least throw some PORN in there, or something . . .

This dude is CLEARLY into some kinky sh*t!

In addition to lots of e-mails with his last name conveniently included in the subject line (and no porn), Chuck also finds THIS letter . . .

Apparently, Russell has been bargaining with “Mr. Kidd,” regarding the destruction of Bass Industries.  Chuck figures out that Russell is just doing all this to get back at the Dead Bart Bass for boinking Lily, when HE wanted to bone her himself. (Yeah, because THAT’S a solid reason for a business decision!  Between this, and his company’s lax security measures, I honestly don’t know how Thorpe makes any money at all!). 

Since Bass Industries is worth more “alive” than “dead,” Chuck assumes that “Mr. Kidd” might be interested in this type of information.  And, so, Chuck arranges to meet the man, awkwardly enough, at his stepbrother’s 18th Birthday Party.  (Can you say CREEPY?)  But before this meeting can happen, we have to endure this awkward and, let’s face it, ENTIRELY POINTLESS, scene, in which Rufus pretends to be MAD at Thorpe for stealing his honey bunny, Lily, away from him . . .

“Don’t even THINK about becoming van der Woodsen Husband Number 6, or I will CUT YOU!”

After this uselessness, Chuck finally gets to meet with Kidd, who, realizing Thorpe has been dishonest with him, agrees to hear Chuck out, and possibly cut some sort of a deal with him regarding Bass Industries . . .

“Hey, now that we’ve decided the fate of my company, what do you say we go out to the limo and have a three way slap around some Pinatas?  I hear Lily’s so loaded that she put $100 bills inside, instead of candy.”

Meanwhile, over in the “D” storyline of this evening, Nate is keeping Raina busy, by inviting her to do things that she has never done before.  Such “new and unusual” things, apparently, include WALKING . . .

“Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot .  . . I think I got it!  Gosh, when I was with Chuck I spent all my time f*&king LAYING DOWN!  This is so EXCITING!” 

 . . . ice skating, getting cider spilled down her pants, ugly robe wearing, weed smoking . . .

. . . eating (gasp) ICE CREAM that wasn’t even personally prepared by pastry chefs .  . .

 . . . and, of course, playing Wii . . .

In fact, Raina enjoys all this “Poor Person Stuff” so much, that she decides to kick Chuck to the curb for good, in favor of the Nate-ster!

Raina is TOTALLY done with “Business in Bed!”  She’d much prefer Sex on Soiled Couch with Nate to the tune of Ke$ha’s Tik Tok!  (Judging by how UNSEXY her and Chuck’s sex scenes actually were, I can’t say I blame her. . . )

Of course, despite his earlier saying their relationship was “sacred,” news of Raina’s breakup via phone barely phases Chuck.  In fact, his NON-reaction to this, is the first genuine thing we’ve seen his character do in about three episodes.  What can I say?  The heart wants what it wants.  And, deep down, Chuck Bass’s heart knows that it wants THIS .   . .

Oh, did I mention that Vanessa is back?  (BOO!)  Or that she is trying to return to her so-called rightful place in Dan Humphrey’s boxer shorts, despite almost killing his once-girlfriend / possible soulmate?

Don’t care?  Neither does DAN!  In fact, he TOTALLY blows Vanessa off, which is SPECTACULAR!  Who knew Humpty Dumpty could be so Righteously Bad Ass?  It’s about DAMN TIME!

In other news .   . .

Mo Money, Mo Problems . . .

Meanwhile, Sad Birthday Boy, Eric has NO COKE TULIPS, and now owes Damien $100 grand!  Though I DID feel bad for Eric (I’m not ENTIRELY heartless, after all) I’ll admit, I snorted, when Damien came to the party for the cash, and Eric wrote him a check for the full sum from his “Rhodes Trust Fund,” like it was no big deal . . .

Gotta love the Obnoxiously Rich!

Even better,was when Lily walked in on the exchange, learned that it was being done to save HER ass from incarceration, and wrote the check herself . . . get this . . . from her PERSONAL CHECKING ACCOUNT.  Now, that’s just bad money management!  Way to earn interest on your “G’s,” Lily!

After Drug Dealing Damien leaves the party, Boring Ben (who, this WHOLE TIME, has been telling Serena that she and Eric shouldn’t stick up for their mother, because she deserves to go to jail for doing what she did to him), surprises everyone by shaking down Damien for Lily’s check . . .

Ben does this, by basically threatening to hire some of his prison buddies to KILL Damien (quite possibly the same guys that he hired to BEAT UP NATE’S DAD, back when he was in the slammer).  After peeing and pooping in his pants, Drug Dealing Damien hands a Significantly-Less-Boring-Now-Ben the check, and scampers away. 

(Honestly, I can’t decide whether this scene makes Ben even creepier than he was before, or just more awesome).

Of course, as luck would have it,Vanessa is watching this exchange.  And, even though (1) it’s a crowded city street; (2) she is standing about a half-a-mile AWAY; and (3) the guys are talking in hushed tones, she conveniently hears THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION .  . .

UGHHHHH! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST GO AWAY, AND STAY AWAY FOR ONCE?!

Later, Vanessa tries to call Serena (who, I remind you, she almost got KILLED) to warn her that her boyfriend is quite possibly a Sadistic Psycho Killer.  However, Serena is too busy porking the Sadistic Psycho Killer to notice that her phone is ringing . . . Oh well!

Toward the end of the episode, Drug Dealing Damien approaches Russell Thorpe, so that the two could take down the entire rest of the Gossip Girl cast together. 

(So, Thorpe conspires with DRUG DEALERS, now?  Who does he think he is, Lex Luthor?  Apparently, when I said earlier that this Corporate Takeover Storyline was finally over, I spoke too soon . . . Zzzzzzzzzzzz)

HELP!  Somebody Freaky Friday-ed Blair Waldorf!

Back in his Brooklyn apartment, Dan Humphrey greets a sleepy, Blair, who has ventured out of the Upper East Side (and WAY out of her comfort zone) to thank “Lonely Boy” for anonymously writing her W magazine blog entry, on her behalf.  Of course, she ended up getting fired from the job anyway.  But it was still a nice gesture!

“I lost my job.  I failed a test.  I almost got my best friend’s mother arrested.  And I’m in Brooklyn, talking about it with Dan Humphrey.  Someone must have Freaky Friday’ed me!  This can’t be my life,” gripes Blair. 

(Some fans are inclined to agree with her, on that one.)

Dan tries to comfort Blair, who’s had pretty much the WORST LUCK EVER, these past two episodes, with pizza (?)  (Does Blair even eat carbs?) and . . . SURPRISE  .  . . more old movies!  Not surprisingly, given the day they both have had, the two are asleep on the couch, within seconds of popping in the first film .  . .

(WOW!  Someone really likes pizza!  Do you think that was a large pie?)

Next week on Gossip Girl, Dan tries to escalate his friendship with Blair to the next level.  Meanwhile, Chuck, after having his head stuck up his ass for the past few episodes, FINALLY returns to true form, and works to win back the woman of his dreams.  It’s the episode ALL OF US have been waiting for:  Chair Fans versus Dair Fans!  Let’s GET READY TO RUMBLE!

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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