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Sometimes, Sex Can Be Icky . . . – A Recap of True Blood’s “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin’?

Don’t worry, Eric, sexual ickiness is clearly NOT something you have to worry about!

(NOT ICKY . . . AT ALL! :))

Now, Vampire Bill, on the other hand . . .

Greetings Fangbangers!  While last week’s installment of True Blood featured “A Whole Lotta Naked,” this week’s episode featured A Whole Lotta Sex.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t the GOOD kind of sex . . . AT ALL!

“You mean there is such a thing as bad sex?”

(Oh yes there is JASON!  And, unfortnately, you are about to learn that first hand.)

So, strap on a condom, and renew your prescription for The Pill, because we are about to get started on this recap!

Amnesia Eric Apparently Watches the Jersey Shore

 “Eat your heart out, The Situation!”

When we last left our new pal, Amnesia Eric, and his roommate, Sookie, he was sniffing her from the window of her car, and telling her how good she smelled.

“Thanks Eric, but I think that’s just the pine tree air freshener hanging from my dashboard!”

This week, Eric continues to soak in Sookie’s stench, until she tires of being his personal Scratch n’ Sniff sticker, and drives away.  Now, you would think that, after four seasons of being attacked at night by supernatural creatures, while driving in her car, Sookie would learn to . . . I don’t know . . . CLOSE HER WINDOW!

But she doesn’t . . . so THIS happens . . .

Now, Sookie’s MAD!  So, she gets out of her car, and PUNCHES AMNESIA ERIC IN THE NOSE!

The fact that Eric was so utterly shocked, and hurt, by the fact that the girl he just VIOLENTLY PULLED OUT OF THE WINDOW OF HER CAR WITH HIS BARE HANDS would possibly want to do him harm, makes me wonder if he not only has amnesia, but has lost his short term memory, as well.

“Does this mean you DON’T want to have sex with me?

Sookie exasperatedly explains to Eric that his pretty little nose will heal right away, since he’s a vampire.  So, he should really stop crying about it.  Eric’s response?

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Did you hear that, Fangbangers?  Amnesia Eric just confused the blonde, southern, spunky, fairy waitress with the brunette, northeastern, puffy-haired, fake-baked, dumpling.

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I don’t know . . . if I was Sookie, I might have punched him again, at this point! 

But then, Sookie starts asking Eric what happened to him.  Eric gets so flustered and upset, that he starts talking in Sexy Magical Panty Dropping Language Viking  Swedish.  Then, he starts describing the Evil Witch who “took everything away from him.”  And he becomes all sad, scared, and baby blinky eyed, like a puppy who was just banished to the dog house, and is trying desperately to win back his owner’s affection.

“Awwww come on Sookie, don’t you want to bone me give me a bone?”

Sookie takes one look at that hot manly Bod of Godliness those wide innocent eyes, and takes pity on her confused roomie.  And so, she agrees to take this lost puppy home for a long round of shower sex with her, provided he doesn’t touch or bite her.  (Oh Sookie!  You are SO going to be eating Eric’s pants those words, in a few episodes!)

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“This is the beginning of a beautiful sex life friendship!”

Important Fact: Eric Northman is TICKLISH!

*tee heee heee heee*  “That tickles!”

When Eric and Sookie arrive back at the house, Eric (who is now wrapped in an adorable fleece blanket, which, apparently, Sookie keeps in her car for whenever Impromptu Car Sex Opportunities arise) lingers uncomfortably on her doorstep . . .

From a vampire mythology perspective, I found it interesting that Sookie had to re-invite Amnesia Eric into the home he now technically owns.  After all, though Eric no longer REMEMBERS purchasing Sookie’s house out from under her, he STILL has contractual rights to it.  Yet, even after Sookie TOLD Eric that he owned the house, he still would not enter until he received a formal invitation.  This leads me to believe that there is at least some psychological component to the whole “The vampire has to be invited into your home to gain entrance” rule.

Anywho . . .

When Eric eventually does come in, his muddy feet track dirt all over Sookie’s ugly crocheted rug, which is NOT COOL, as far as Sookie is concerned.  So, she makes him shimmy around the thing, a movement which does some very flattering things for his already delectably pinchable bum . . .

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Shake your bon-bon!  Shake your bon-bon!

Sookie then decides to wash Eric’s dirty feet in a basin, as he giggles and splashes around like a toddler.  He stops for a moment to admire Sookie and tell her how beautiful she is.  I love the way Eric seems to be rediscovering his attraction for Sookie, in its purest most innocent form.  I think it’s also great that he no longer has ANY GAME.  Viking Vamp Eric may have been a seductive, often manipulative, charmer, but Amnesia Eric perpetually wears his heart on his sleeve and his woody in his pants.

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Don’t worry, Eric!  You are going to get it all back soon enough . . . and then some!

While scrubbing away, Sookie calls Pam, who’s right in the middle of dinner (a.k.a. eating a dude), to inform her of the current situation.  Pam has dumped her leftovers, and is on Sookie’s doorstep, before you can say Jesus Metaphor.

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OK . . . now maybe I have a dirty mind, but what exactly does this look like to you?

Eric, who has no recollection at all of his own “child” exclaims, “WHO THE F*&K IS THAT,” when Pam arrives at the door.  Then he actually APOLOGIZES for being RUDE!  (Who IS this guy?)  Sookie is not exactly thrilled to learn that an Evil Coven of Witches is after Eric.  “I have to deal with WITCHES’ now,” she exclaims!

You think THAT’S bad, wait until you get a load of the WEREPANTHERS!

Sookie is even more unhappy to learn that she has to babysit Eric, while Pam works to help him regain his memory.  Since she NEVER EVER LEARNS, Sookie has the brilliant (read: ridiculously dumb) idea of going to King Beeel for help with Eric’s little problem.  “You tell Bill, and I will rip you to PIECES!”  Pam exclaims furiously.

At which point, Eric lashes out at Pam, literally throwing her out of the house, with the vampire powers he, apparently, still remembers how to use quite well . . .

I hope she washed her feet, first!

Poor Pam!  Here she is, trying to be helpful to her Maker, and she has to hear lectures from Amnesia Eric on how she has to be nice to SOOKIE!  I bet that really DUSTS HER DOILIES (and not in a good way)!

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Pam explains to Remedial Student Sookie that Vampire Bill was the one who actually ORCHESTRATED Eric losing his memory, by sending him into the witches’ coven unprotected, knowing FULL WELL what they would do to him, once he arrived there.

Thank you, King Beel, for helping to ensure that Sookie and Eric make sweet, sweet love in the very near futue.   Your douchedom is, actually, much appreciated, in this rare instance.

Though it seems completely unnecessary at this point, Sookie feels the need to add that Bill ONLY wants revenge on Eric because he TASTED some of his prized Sookie Shortcake, without paying for it, first .  . .

*ahem*

Upon hearing that he has once SUCKED STACKHOUSE, Eric seems rather pleased with himself.  “I did?”  He inquires excitedly. 

Of course, Sookie has to be a killjoy and tell Eric that this was a non-consensual  suck.  “You, basically, fang-raped me.”

This causes poor Amnesia Eric to apologize for about the 85,000th time this episode.  “Sorry,” he says.  (I’m starting to think that “Sorry” is Amnesia Eric’s middle name.)

Pam warns Sookie not to tell anyone that Eric is hiding out at her pad.  She then leaves Sookie’s Love Shack to go kick some ass, and eat some neck . . .

Sookie’s Ass Has Its Own Theme Song (Don’t you wish YOURS did?)

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Sookie leads a timid, very poorly dressed (Jason Stackhouse!  I expected more from your wardrobe!)   Amnesia Eric downstairs to his newly-renovated cubby hole to get some shut-eye (dead eye?).  Now that he’s got her in his bedroom, our Wiser Than He Looks protagonist decides to interrogate his hostess.  “Are you mine?”  He asks.

“Nope.” Sookie replies.

LIAR!

“Do you belong to another vampire?”  Eric inquires.

“Nope.” Sookie answers.  (This one is true.)

“Would you like TO BE MINE?”  Eric asks, hopefully.

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“No, I would not!”  Sookie responds frustratedly.

Yet another LIE!  Tsk, Tsk!

Eric must sense that Sookie is fibbing, because he catches her at the doorway, and extends his fangs, breaking two of Sookie’s All Important House Rules, in under a second . . .

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“Do I have bad breath?  It must have been that Marnie I ate, earlier this evening.”

SURPRISE!  Amnesia Eric says “Sorry,” yet again.  (Hey guys!  I just thought of a GREAT drinking game you could play, during this season of True Blood.  You’ll be drunk off your ass in no time!)

“He said ‘SORRY!’  Everybody DRINK!”

Speaking of ass . . . As Sookie climbs the cubby hole ladder, back into her living room, Eric unabashedly admires her ASS-ETS.  While he does so,  a song plays that shares the title to this episode.  Once she’s upstairs, the music stops. 

It’s the only time music plays throughout the entire hour.   And, as a result, it’s was a bit jarring for this viewer.  Typically, the title of the episode represents the song that plays during the final credits.  But, this week, “Season of a Witch” played during the credits.  So, basically, “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin”  is nothing more than Sookie’s Ass Song.  

“I WANT MY OWN ASS SONG!”

You’re KILLING ME, Alcide!

How could something so beautiful, be SO STUPID!

Probably because she doesn’t trust herself not to jump his bones, Sookie is desperate to get Amnesia Eric out of her house and her pantalones.  So, she visits Alcide, since he “owes Eric one.”  When Alcide sees Sookie, it is just like old times!  There are lots of eye-f*&ks, “meaningful” stares, and hugs that last just a bit too long to be considered merely friendly . . .

“Your nose smells good, Sookie!”

“Well, actually Alcide, I’m just getting over a sinus infection . . .”

So, you can imagine how shocked Sookie is to find THIS CHICK inside Alcide’s house, waiting to give her a Big Ole Hug!

OMG, guys!  It’s Trailer Trash Debbie.  And supposedly she’s “not on drugs anymore,” and “loves the Lord.”  She’s also dyed her hair shockingly Sookie blonde, presumably because she thinks (with good reason) that this is what Alcide likes.  It’s TOTALLY Single White Female.  But the grossest part about the whole scenario is when Alcide starts WILLINGLY MAKING OUT WITH DEBBIE!

Silly Alcide?  Didn’t you read the books?  Just like a tiger can’t change its spots, a Trailer Trash Werewolf can’t change her BATSH*T CRAZY!  And the sooner you learn that, the better off you will be!

Long story short, Alcide is too busy getting crabs from Trailer Trash Debbie to help out Sookie.  Oh well!  I guess she’ll have to shower him, herself.  Darn!

Beware of the Ugly Ass Doll, and the Eyes of a Cheating Vampire

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Jess has something important she wants to talk about with her Daddy.  But King Beel has some “Vampire Business” to dispense with, first.  The anti-vampire campaign in Bon Temps is in full force.  And one unlucky vamp, has become the unwitting spokesperson for the cause, having been caught on YouTube eating a chick in an alleyway.

This website is real, by the way.

Even though the woman in the video clearly did NOT die, and the vampire in question was only doing what Bill himself, used to do back in the 80’s . . .

King Hypocrite.

The “benevolent” King Beel, decides to put the guy to death, in order to . . . wait for it . . . “send a message.”  (I’ve got a message for you, Beel.  It starts with a F and ends with a U.)

Fortunately, Daddy-O is a bit more lenient with Baby Vamp Jessica, when SHE confesses to feeding on Sexy Non-Hoyt guy in the Fangtasia bathroom, last week (but, perhaps, only because SHE didn’t get caught, like that other guy did).  King Beel actually gives GOOD advice to Jessica, telling her that she owes it to Hoyt to be honest about her unfaithfulness.  Interestingly enough, these father/daughter scenes are the ONLY times I can stand Vampire Bill. 

(Nevermind that King Beel has absolutely NO BUSINESS teaching Jess the importance of truth, considering that he was lying to Sookie from the moment he met her . . .)

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Good dad .  . . horrible creature

When Jessica comes home she finds a pissed off Hoyt, once again clutching that creepy burnt up doll, which, apparently, is Chuck from Child’s Play incarnate.  After all, no matter how many times they throw the ugly thing away, it just KEEPS COMING BACK!

 I don’t know, Hoyt . . . if you hate the doll so much, why do you seem to spend a few minutes every episode HUGGING it?

Eventually, the young couple decide to give the dirty doll to Arlene’s Evil  Devil Baby, which, when you think about it, is probably the most appropriate place for it!

Baby LIKE!

As it turn out, however, Evil Dolls are the LEAST of Jess’ and Hoyt’s problems.  When Jess confesses to Hoyt about eating another man, Hoyt is understandably upset.  And so Jess makes a decision that we are SURE is going to come back and bite her in the ass.  She compels her own boyfriend to FORGET WHAT SHE DID!


Watching this, I couldn’t help but be reminded of ANOTHER Baby Vamp who compelled her then-boyfriend to forget some “bad” things about her . . .

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Of course, THAT time, the wussy wimp boyfriend ASKED for the compulsion, because he supposedly, though it ended up being nothing more than an EVIL trick (long story) couldn’t, in the words of Jack Nicholson, “Handle the Truth” . . .

Hoyt is OBVIOUSLY compelled against his will.  In fact, his last words, before falling under his girlfriend’s spell are, “Don’t you dare.”

Now, you know how I hate to say Beel  is right, EVER!  However, I’m pretty sure his prediction that, if Jess didn’t tell Hoyt about her unfaithfulness, he would find out on his own, is probably prophetic . . .

Speaking of Beel, and family . . . *ahem*

“It’s a REAL GOOD THING vampires can’t procreate .  . .”

I’m going to try my VERY best to not spoil this storyline.  But those who have read the Sookie books undoubtedly are feeling my EXTREME pain with respect to the scene in which Bill and Portia make “sweet, sweet, love.”

Want proof that Vampire Bill sucks at romance?  Check out the dinner he has with his new girlfriend, in which she tellls him that they should “consider adding sex to their [relationship]” simply because they are both powerful and intelligent.  Bill then proceeds to make this long boring speech about how his heart is too old to love, and blah, blah, blah . . . presumably, attempting to put Portia to sleep, so he doesn’t have tohave sex with her her.

Wake me up, when I’ve returned to your television screen!

But, you’ve really gotta hand it to Portia!  Having listened to all those lame lines and B.S., She’s sTILL DTF (a.k.a Down to F*&k).  So, “F” they do, as I proceed to vomit up my TV dinner . . .

In other nauseating news . . .

Jason Gets Laid By Lots of Ladies in the Same Night!

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Don’t get too excited, Jason!  It’s not quite what you think . . .

Poor Jason!  His whole life, he’s probably been waiting to have as much sex as he gets to have in this episode.  Then again, when he dreamed of this day, he probably didn’t imagine himself, drugged, chewed up within in an inch of his life, tied to a dirty bed, and repeatedly raped, by a bunch of unhygienic , gap-toothed girls who refer to him as “Ghost Daddy!”

I never thought I’d say this about my lover, Jason Stackhouse, but PLEASE get this creepiness OFF my TV screen!  (Oddly enough, he still looks pretty hot, though!)

So, apparently, not only is Jason being converted into a werepanther to impregnate CRYSTAL, he’s also being used to impregnate the ENTIRE female population of Hot Shot who’s over age 13!

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At least Andy’s finally woken up from his drug-induced stupor long enough to realize that his partner is MISSING! 

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 Even though Andy still has no idea where his bromantic buddy is (not to mention, he is so effed on V that he’s in NO CONDITION to help him) I’m still glad Andy got to call Jason’s cell phone, if only so that we could hear his hilarious answering machine:

  “You’ve reached Jason Stackhouse’s voicemail.  I’m not hear to take your call right now.   If this is an emergency, call 911, and ask for me!”

“Hi, 911?  Can I talk to Jason Stackhouse, please?  I’m stuck in Hotshot, with a bunch of hillbilly freaks, who are trying to rape me!  What . . . . what do you mean ‘He’s not there?’  Where the heck is he?”

Speaking of Andy, he finally came clean to Sam about his “V” addiction.  And, as we know, admitting you have a problem is the first step to solving it. 

Unless, of course, your problem involves maenad-induced pig hallucinations, in which case, you are on your own!

Speaking of Sam, he bonded a bit with former former f*&k buddy, Tara, and scolded Tommy Boy, when he claimed he wanted to steal Maxine’s “Natural Gas” money.  So, much for brotherly bonding . . .

Stealing from people is WRONG, Tommy Boy!  (But holding them at gunpoint, until they give you cash, and then shooting them anyway, is right.)

Honestly, I didn’t really quite buy the whole, Maxine’s living on a Natural  Gas landmine, and some dude just randomly knocked on her door, like Publisher’s Clearinghouse, offering her all this cash for no reason.  Either this is a Long Con, or the most unrealistic, contrived storyline ever.  Personally, I feel like this whole Sam/Tommy storyline, has been a bit setup for Sam to end up KILLING Tommy, so that he can become a “Skinwalker” and be able to shift into other humans, like his new girlfriend Luna can.  But that’s just me?

You probably should have stuck with the dogfights, Tommy Boy!  Because your days of illiterate whining are numbered . . .

Pam threatens to have sex with Tara, Laffy, and Jesus.  (Now, that doesn’t sound so bad, does it?)

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Awwww . . . isn’t that just the sweetest thing you have ever heard?

Still having absolutely NO CLUE what they’ve done to Eric, Marnie’s coven is PISSED OFF, and ready for revenge.   “He came into my house, and tried to get us to stop practicing our religion,” an indignant Marnie exclaims. 

Tara and Laffy, however, who each have personal experience with the Viking Vamp, aren’t as quick to want to go after him with pitchforks.   After all, both cousins are still nursing some SERIOUS PTSD after their respective vampire run-ins.

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Eric F*&king Northman, indeed!

But alas, Pam recognizes Laffy’s witch powers, and sees HIM as the quickest possible way to track down Eric’s witchy nemesis.   So, she kidnaps him and tosses him in the fateful dungeon where he spent many months, back in season 2.

“By the way, Laffy!  I LOVE your purple tank.  Where did you get it?”

Once they realize he’s missing, Tara and Jesus rush to Laffy’s aid, armed with a gun filled with wooden bullets.  (As former-Queen Sophie Anne can tell you, wooden bullets are NO JOKE!)  When Tara and Jesus arrive, Ginger the Banshee Waitress screams,  (SURPRISE!)

How on Earth does this woman still have a voicebox?

However, eventually, Pam and the feisty threesome broker what seems to me like a very reasonable deal:  They bring Pam to Marnie.  And, in return, Pam doesn’t eat and screw their brains out . . .

If Everyone Claps Their Hands and Says “I Believe” Maybe She Will Come Back to Life!  (Who am I kidding?  She’s TOAST!)

Nice knowin’ ya, Claudine!

That night, Sookie is sitting at her kitchen table, engrossed in a Charlaine Harris book . . .

“YES!  Just a few more pages, until I get to have shower sex with Eric!”

 . . . when she suddenly gets a nervous feeling in the pit of her stomach.  She checks Eric’s cubby hole, and finds it empty.  Frantic, Sookie rushes outside, to find Worst Fairy Godmother Ever Claudine on her doorstep.  Claudine has the NERVE to ask Sookie to come back to the worst opening sequence in the history of True Blood Fairy Land, where she can eat glow fruits, and hang out with more dead relatives.  Sookie says, thanks but no thanks.  And Claudine gets pissed.  But before she throw lightning bolts at Sookie, Eric emerges from the backyard, hungry for dessert, FAIRY DESERT.

Within minutes, Eric has devoured all the “good parts” of Claudine.  The rest turns into this .  . .

My precious . . . face.

Needless to say, Sookie is not pleased. 

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(How fitting that Amnesia Eric’s new catchphrase is the last word of the episode.)

And that’s all I’ve got.  See you next week!

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Yes . . . I do plan to use this GIF at the end of every TB recap.  Got a problem with that? 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever] [Have Blood Will Travel!  (a TVD / True Blood Crossover Fanfic)]

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