Tag Archives: 4.4.

A Case of the Munchies – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Five”

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Are your tummies growling, Fangbangers?  There was a whole lot of “messy eating” going on this week, on The Vampire Diaries. Vampires ate college coeds . . . vampire hunters ate hybrids” ears . . . The Original Family ate . . . chicken and vegetables?

I don’t know about you.  But I’ve personally been starving for some serious fang action, all week!

So, tie on a nice big bib, and polish that silverware, because it’s time to share a hearty meal with your favorite vampires in Mystic Falls . . .

Today’s Episode is brought to you by the letter “H” (for Hot Sweaty Shirtless Men) and, of course, the number “five”

I’m willing to bet that a lot more moms would watch Sesame Street with their kids, if the show taught tots how to count, this way.  Kudos, Julie Plec and Co.  This scene is Male Objectification in its purest form.  And it is, in a word, AWESOME!

The episode begins, way back in 1110 A.D.  Some old witchy lady with Crazy Witchy Lady Hair is hanging out in the BadThingsAlwaysHappenHere! Forest with what appear to be five strippers from some Game of Thrones-themed Male Review.

Is that a Storm of Swords in your pocket, or are you just happy to be on TVD?

The half naked men form a circle around her, and stare blankly into space, while she holds a fiery cauldron triumphantly above her head, like it’s Baby Simba at the beginning of the Lion King.  She’s even chanting gibberish, like they do at the beginning of that movie!

“NAAAAAAH SVENYAHHHH MAMAGICHI WAWAHHHHHHH!”

Then, Witchy Lady lowers the cauldron and the fire branches out to the five men, who, from VERY far away (1) look like they are EXTREMELY hung; and (2) appear to be pissing out flames.  I bet they can’t do that on Game of Thrones!

This gives a whole new meaning to the term “fire crotch.”

But the fun is far from over!  Next up, everyone gets their Magical Tattoos!

“Duuuuude!  That hurt even less than that time on my 18th birthday, when I drank an entire bottle of tequila, and woke up with my ex-girlfriend’s name tattooed on my Fire Crotch!”

Meanwhile, back in the present day . . .

Deny, Deny, Deny . . .

 De-Nile may very well be a river in Egypt, but it’s also got a pretty steady current running through Mystic Falls.  We see plenty of denial going on around town, during the first few minutes of the episode.  Damon still actually thinks Connor is dead . . .

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This is despite the reality of Damon never actually having seen the vampire hunter’s corpse.  Not to mention the well-known fact that the gods of Mystic Falls would never, EVER, allow a hot male villain, like Connor, to croak, without getting him to take his shirt off at least once.

Also in denial?  Stefan.  He thinks he’s “totally over” Damon’s and Elena’s little hand-suck blood exchange, a couple weeks back.

Yeah, this guy?  He’s not jealous of his brother at all!  No sir!  Not a bit!

Speaking of denial . . . sure Elena, Stefan has nothing to worry about.  Just because you are going to an all-night frat party with Damon, doesn’t mean that you are going to spend the entire night dry humping him on the dance floor, and/or sucking on his fingers.  You’re DEFINITELY going to be 100% faithful to Stefan . . . He’s your “boo,” after all, isn’t he?

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Oh, and might I add, that “convenient” explanation as to why Elena could ONLY learn how to feed from that sexy studmuffin / awesome kisser Damon, and not from Caroline, because she’s “too good” at controlling her vampire urges?

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That’s a TOTAL crock of dog poo!  Need we all be reminded of an incident, back in Season 2, that I like to lovingly refer to as “Carter-gate?”

So much self control!  She even managed to brush her hair out of her eyes, before snapping his neck with her teeth.  Honestly, I don’t know how she does it!

Still more stops on the Denial Train.  Next we have Beks, who is stalking Matt Donovan at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  She mistakenly believes she can still get into his pants, despite the whole, “sending his car over the Wickory Bridge” thing.

I think it drowned, Matt  . . . along with your dignity.

Desperate for redemption (and nookie), Rebekah even goes so far as to buy Matt . . . wait for it . . . A BRAND NEW CAR!

OMG!  Rebekah Michaelson is like Richard Gere, and Matt Donovan is her Pretty Woman . . .   Except, money can’t buy Matt’s love!  He’s keeping the car, but he still won’t kiss Rebekah on the mouth . . . too personal.

Heck, I’d kiss Rebekah on the mouth for a new car.  And I don’t even roll that way.  Go figure . . .

Don’t you just hate it when your family members are around to see you strike out with the opposite sex?  Poor Rebekah!  Klaus is sitting at the bar, ready and waiting with a “He’s just not that into you,” speech.

“You had to start with a car?  You couldn’t have gone with something less expensive?  Like a lottery ticket?  Or a lollipop?

Klaus knows that Rebekah is still pissed at him for, you know, not appreciating her, and stuff.  But he still has information for her about “The Five.”  Rebekah pretends she doesn’t care.  But we all know she TOTALLY does . . .

“What can I say?  I wear my heart on my sleeve . . . no, I mean literally on my sleeve, like a big fat bloody cufflink.

Hot for Teacher, Not for Frat Boy

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Did you know that, before she was “That Old Lady Who Died Twice on The Vampire Diaries,” Bonnie’s grams was a college professor, who specialized in the occult?

Well, now you do!

What a convenient way to get Bonnie, Elena and Damon to road trip to “college,” while, at the same time, introducing a new fairly attractive, Alaric Saltzman 2.0 type, who may or may not end up being a villain and/or a witchy new love interest for Bonnie . . .  Anywhoo, he lectures about witches, and blah, blah, blah . . .

 Meanwhile Damon instructs Elena on the best, and worst types of people to feed off of . . .

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I assumed Damon would advocate eating fat people (MORE MEATY!).  But, instead, he instructed Elena to suck on airheads and the self-absorbed. (LESS CALORIES?)

(Fun Fact: Nerdy girls are bad meals, because, apparently, they are instinctively mistrustful of people who are nice to them.  So, at this point, I’d like to say, to all my fellow nerd girls out there, HOLLA!)

While Bonnie wanders off to have some more boring conversation with Professor Boo Radley, or whatever, Damon coaches Elena through her first feed.

Things start off well enough.  But then Self-Absorbed!Girl inadvertently shows Elena a picture of her baby sister, and Elena FREAKS OUT!  (Honestly, I think the emotional impact of the failed “tasting,” would have been more effective, if the little girl was Miss Would-Be Blood Bag’s daughter.  Now, that would have been poignant.  But baby sister?  Meh!)

No worries!  Damon’s got a better idea!  He decides to take Elena to a frat party.  You know, because everyone who goes to frat parties MUST, by definition, be a terrible person, worthy of bloody neck hickies.  Also, no one who goes to frat parties has a baby sister . . .

Once again, out of convenience, the frat party in question, has a death theme.  (You’ll learn why that’s convenient in a bit.)  Also, out of convenience, Hot Professor Boo Radley just so happens to be attending the party.  Because, lord knows, underage kids throwing kegger parties just LOOOVE to invite late 30-something looking teacher types to witness their debauchery and misdemeanors . . .

“I thought she was 18 . .  . I mean . . . I thought she was 21 . . . I mean . . . Someone put something in my drink?”

In what I can only assume was an “inside joke,” Damon arrives at the party dressed as Jack the Ripper, with Elena and Bonnie traveling in tow, as his “victims.”  (Take THAT, Ripper Stefan!)

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Elena finds a  frat boy, who, by roofie-ing a girl’s drink in plain view, renders himself just douchebaggy enough that Elena can feed off of him, without offending her “personal moral code.”  (Also, we can all assume he’s an only child.  Or, if not, an only child, at least doesn’t carry around a cute picture of his sibling on his cell phone.)

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Elena munches heartily, and immediately becomes swept up in the euphoria of Vampire’s First Feeding Frenzy.  “I want more,” she whispers seductively in Damon’s ear . . .

So, does he, Elena . . . So does he . . .

Eventually, Elena’s whole Dexter the Vampire rationale of “I only eat BAAADDDD PEOPLE,” goes right out the window.  We see her later chomping on an innocent looking chica, who most definitely had an iPhone filled with adorable siblings.  No matter!  Elena was having much to much fun, to concern herself with petty details like morality.

And we all know what Elena does, whenever she’s having fun, right?  You guessed it!  It’s DelenaDANCESEX time!

I know a lot of people had mixed opinions about this scene.  But I, for one, absolutely adored it.  I loved how messy it was . . . how Damon and Elena were more drunkenly swaying than actually dancing.  I loved how sweaty they were, how mussed both of their hair was, how their eyes looked bleary, glassy, and heavy lidded.

I even loved the ridiculousness of the fact that neither of them thought to wipe off the nasty-ass blood dripping from their mouths onto their shirts, despite the fact that, no matter how drunk people were at this party, surely SOMEONE would have noticed that.

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Believe it or not, I think the sloppiness of the scene gave it an added sense of realism.  If submitting to blood lust is a metaphor for being really drunk, or really high on drugs like ecstasy or heroine, it makes sense that the blood lusters would look and act like inebriated people.  People who were truly living in the moment . . . not thinking, just feeling, and enjoying life . . . not caring what other onlookers might think of them.

Then, of course Cock Block Extraordinaire Bonnie has to pop by, in order to give Elena THAT LOOK . . . You know the one.  It’s that all-too-familiar Judgy Bonnie look . . . the one that never fails to bring Elena right back to her boring self . . . which, of course, is Bonnie’s most impressive Super Power . . . MESMERIZING DULLNESS . . .

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Judge not, lest Bonnie ALWAYS judges . . .

Elena scampers off in tears.  She wants to go home, dammit!  Damon, understandably, is a bit “miffed” by it all . . .

Try not to take it too personally, Damon.  I think Elena’s just feeling guilty about chowing down on too many douchebag blood carbs.  Now, she’ll NEVER be able to fit into that Miss Mystic Falls Gown!

Back home, and hanging out on Elena’s front porch, Elena and Damon engage in another version of what is basically the exact same conversation they have with one another every few episodes.  And it basically boils down to this:  Damon is a BAD BOY.  Elena wants to be a GOOD GIRL.  She’s afraid that if she keeps hanging out with Damon, she will have wild, crazy, amazing vampire sex with him, and never ever want to stop . . . also become a BAD GIRL.  So, she has to stay with Stefan, because he’s . . . you know . . . “good” and stuff at least, when he’s not murdering thousands of people across the Eastern Seaboard.

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Stefan pops up on the porch, before things between Damon and Elena can get more heated (Geez, he and Bonnie make a great pair. TEAM COCKBLOCK!)  Cue Elena b*tching and whining about how AWFUL it was drinking that SCARY blood from those SCARY college coeds’ necks.  Oh, how she wishes she could have been home eating bunnies with Stefan . . . or knitting socks, or whatever it is “good” vampires are supposed to do on Friday nights . . .

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Little does she know that Stefan has spent his day plotting and scheming with the baddest vampire around . . . his Secret Boyfriend Klaus . . .

50 Shades of Connor Jordan

My that Klaus!  He really is a kinky bastard, isn’t he?  I mean, I totally get why he needed to chain up the Big Bad Vampire Hunter, who is undoubtedly the key to his Next Big Plan!  But putting him up against the wall, spread-eagled, half-naked, and, probably under a heat lamp (because no one sweats that much inside an air-conditioned home in the middle of Fall)?  Come on, that was obviously an exhibition of Klaus’ S&M fantasies come true.  (Watch out Caroline . . . and Stefan.  Because you are both soooo next!

Speaking of kinky, another one of my favorite scenes this week was the one where one of Klaus’ nameless soon-to-be-dead hybrids comes to “tighten up” Connor’s S&M chains, and the vampire hunter ends up BITING OFF A RATHER LARGE CHUNK OF HIS EAR!

Seriously!  I was not expecting that!

Cooler still?  Connor actually had a logical reason for doing this, one that much more complex than a simple “I was hungry,” or “Hybrid ears taste like chicken.”

Nope . . . Connor bit Random Hybrid’s ear to STEAL HIS EARRING, AND USE IT TO UNLOCK HIS CHAINS!  POSITIVELY GENIUS!

Smoke em if you’ve got em SUCKAS!

[Random sidenote:  When I was a little kid, I used to drink a lot of Shirley Temples at parties.  And if you’ve ever had a Shirley Temple, you know they come with a cherry garnish.  Anyway, rumor has it that if you can  tie a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue alone, that means you are a good kisser, and . . . if not . . . well . . .

Unfortunately, it’s something I’ve never been able to manage.  Take from that what you will.  All I can say is, given how tongue and teeth challenged I apparently am, I can 100% appreciate Connor Jordan’s ORAL PROWESS.  It also makes me really want to make out with him . . . like . . . a lot.]

“And I’m too sexy for your ear .  . . too sexy for your ear, too sexy, my dear!”

We’ll get back to Connor, and his teeth, in just a moment.  But for now, let’s get back to Kinky Klaus and Studly Stefan, shall we?

It’s Time for Another Round of Ye Old Important Flashbacks . . .

Ever since Stefan showed up on his doorstep, sniffing around for information about The Five, Klaus has been hitting on him, in a major way.  He’s definitely putting out all the stops . . . inviting him into his home, flattering him, invading his personal space, batting his puppy dog eyes.  As I’ve been genuinely missing these two’s weekly game of Hide the Salami for quite some time (Ahhh . . . memories of Early Season 3), it was nice to see it again this week.

Klaus’ rationale for hitting on Stefan (aside from the obvious, of course) is that he wants Stefan to convince Rebekah to tell them  both what she knows about The Five.  Through the use of flashbacks (and lots of goofy lion’s mane wigs), we learn that Rebekah used to occasionally hump one of these mystical FIVE, back in the day.  And that he, may or may not, have pillow-talked all his dirty secrets to the Original Vamp.

“I’ll show you my fangs, if you show me your fire crotch.”

Stefan is initially immune to Klaus’ charms,  until Klaus evokes the magical spell that never fails to make Stefan puddy in his hands.  Just in case you ever happen to run into Stefan, and want him to become your sex slave, I’d be more than happy to share the words of this spell with you.  Here it is: “DO IT FOR ELENA.”

Yes, once again, Klaus has made Stefan his loyal puppy dog, by evoking the Elena Clause in their Occasional F*ck Buddy Contract.  Stefan pops by the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, where Rebekah apparently still hasn’t moved, since being rejected by Matt there hours ago.  Maybe she’s under the “DO IT FOR ELENA” spell too . . .  Stefan somehow convinces Rebekah to temporarily play nice with her brother.  And eventually the three end up making plans for dinner.

(By the way, remember when Rebekah and Stefan used to be in loooooove with one another?  Because, sometimes, I feel like the writers don’t remember it at all . . .)

The Scene that Will Inevitably Spawn 1,000 Jeremy/Connor Slash Fanfics

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Meanwhile, back at the Hybrid House of Horrors, Klaus, remembering that a couple of weeks ago, Jeremy went from being “Elena’s Little Brother – That Kid Who Sees Dead People” to “Elena’s Little Brother – That Kid Who Sees Dead Ancient Invisible Ink Tattoos,” kidnaps  invites Mini Gilbert over for an impromptu art session, whereby Jeremy will draw the tatts from Connor’s Hot Glistening Body.  (Mental Note:  Time to sign up for one of those art classes, where you sit for an hour each week, and draw naked people.  It’s suddenly sounding like a great idea!)

“Just let your Inner Goddess fly free!”

Connor is a little pouty with Jeremy.  Because he thought the two of them were TATT BROTHERS, and now, here Jeremy is “drawing for the Enemy.”  To this valid accusation, Jeremy responds, more or less . . . wait for it . . . “I’M DOING IT FOR ELENA.”

“Oh, well, if you are DOING IT FOR ELENA, than I forgive you,” replies Connor.  (Just kidding . . . sort of.)

Connor explains to Jeremy that his ability to see the tattoo marks him as a “potential” SUPER Vampire Hunter (which sounds very Buffy the Vampire Slayer-y to me).  He also explains how his tattoos grow each time he murders another vampire.  Well, that sure is cost-efficient.  Tattoos can be expensive!

What we eventually learn is that, as bad ass a vampire hunter as Connor might be, he’s apparently not bad ass enough to have a complete Vampire-Killing Arm Tattoo.  Klaus examines Jeremy’s drawing and finds it to be woefully incomplete . . . FOR NOW . . .

Ye Olde Flashbacks 2: Electric Boogaloo

A little while later, Klaus, Stefan and Rebekah sit down for one of their deliciously dysfunctional family dinners.  I always love it when Klaus caters a meal on this show.  He always puts about ten fancy courses of food on the table, and then NOBODY EVER EATS!

That’s got to really dust his doilies, don’t you think?  Maybe he should start spiking the dishes with Soccer Mom blood.  Then, at least, he wouldn’t have so many leftovers . . .

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Fake dinner seems like a great opportunity for another flashback.  And, so, we get one, in short order.  Just as Klaus suspected, Rebekah’s lover, Vampire Hunter Alex was quite the Chatty Kathy during sex.

“Check it out.  This sword and these tattoos together form a road map to my weiner . . . you know, just in case you can’t find it on your own.”

In a state of presumed post-coital bliss, Alex reveals, both to Rebekah, and to us, that the Five have a weapon that will surely wipe all vampires off the face of the Earth . . .A CURE TO VAMPIRISM . . .

Yeah, yeah . . . I think we all pretty much knew that was coming . . .

What does surprise me about this plot point, though, is how long this supposed vampire cure has purportedly been around.  You would think, for example, that Witchy Mama Esther or even Evil Vampire Eater Mikael would have heard about it, and at least tried to find it, before resorting to attempting to murder their own children . . . Just a thought . . .

Poor Rebekah!  She’s starting to rival Elijah and Alaric as Most Murdered Character on TVD!  Not long after Alex spills the beans to her about the Vampire Cure, he stabs her with a white oak stake, along with the rest of her siblings.  Rat BASTARD!

“Dear sister, I thought your room could use a bit of sprucing up.  How do you like your new wall decor?

Fortunately for us, Klaus is immune to White Oak Stakedom, and takes this opportunity to murder Alex and one of his FIVE-Y friends, conveniently leaving the other three alive to spawn Connor Jordan, Mini Gilbert, and whatever other sexy male guest stars TVD chooses to introduce in the near future.

Vampire Hunter Nick Miller, anyone?

But wait a minute.  If Klaus already knew all this crud about The Five, why is he bothering Poor Rebekah with bad memories of yet another lover her used her and discarded her like trash?

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A-ha!  See, this is where things get sort of interesting.  Apparently, those crazy tattoos Connor has on his body are a map to the Vampire Cure.  And the key to reading that map is on the sword of each of the Original Five.  Klaus (rightfully) as it turns out, assumes that Rebekah knows where that sword is.  Once found, that sword, combined with Jeremy’s drawing, will enable Klaus to locate the cure, give it to Elena, and then continue to use her as a bloodbag for the creation of new hybrids.

Nifty plan, right?  Except, Rebekah’s not budging with the information, no matter how many threats or insults Klaus hurls her way . . .

Hey Klaus, haven’t you ever heard the saying you catch more vampire siblings with honey?  Wait . . . that’s not how it goes.

Rebekah storms off in huff, but Klaus seems unmoved.  As it turns out, this was precisely his plan.  You see, Klaus wanted to put Rebekah in an emotional enough state to reveal the location of the secret sword to STEFAN.  And why again would Stefan want to help Klaus?  Repeat after me, everyone, “HE’S DOING IT FOR ELENA.”

That’s right.  Because if Elena can be made human again, she can revert back to the sweet docile kittenish girl Stefan always loved, cherished and worshipped, as opposed to the naughty keg standing, motorcycle riding, doucheboy drinking, Damon sucking soon-to-be Damon screwing, pencil flinging vampire girl she has become . . .

This recap has become long enough as it is, so I’m not going to bore you with the details.  Long story short, Stefan cleverly manipulates the vulnerable Rebekah’s romantic side into revealing that she buried Alex’s sword, along with his corpse, in the church where the couple was to be married . . . you know, before he stabbed her in the chest, and her brother cut out his heart . . . otherwise known as The Good Old Days.

Klaus is conveniently around to hear this information, and, for reasons I don’t quite understand, decides to stake Rebekah again, upon receiving it.

“Trust me, this hurts me way more than it is hurting you.”

“Somehow, I doubt that . . .

Seriously, dude?  AGAIN!  Klaus, you have to find better ways to express your emotions than staking your siblings every time they piss you off.  You’re becoming like that kid in the Twilight Zone movies, who keeps sending everyone in his family to the Evil Cornfield every time they don’t give him candy, or enforce his bedtime.  It’s time to get another outlet for your anger.  Might I suggest the batting cages, or S&M sessions with Connor and Jeremy . . .

Speaking of people you secretly want to have sex with, Klaus.  Could you explain to me why you felt the need to keep this whole “sword / tattoo” map thing a BIG Secret between you and Stefan?  Is it because you think it will make it easier to get into his pants, while you two are spending hours alone scheming with one another behind closed bedroom doors?  Don’t you think Damon the Scooby Gang could you help you find it faster, than just the two of you working alone?

Just saying . . .

So many headless hybrids, so little time . . .

And so our Big Bad Sexy Shirtless Scoundrel Connor uses that trusty earring to break free from Klaus’ Den of Rough Sex, just as we knew he would.  But geez, did he HAVE to decapitate ANOTHER one of Klaus’ precious hybrids.  You would think these guys are human PEZ Dispensers, given how easily their heads pop off at the slightest touch . . .

Connor Jordan . . . gives good head.

Connor’s action, of course, has the added benefit of conveniently finishing off his Vampire Hunter tattoo.  I wonder how many bloodsuckers he had to do in, to earn all those stripes . . . I wonder if you get more “points” for killing hybrids . . . so many questions. . . .

In the final scene, we see a pissed off Connor whining to his leader.  “Why did you send me to this PLACE, where all anybody ever does is have flashbacks, and sit around and talk about how they are ‘DOING IT FOR ELENA?”

WAH, WAH, WAH . . . cry me a bloody river, Connor.  But in all honesty, I’d be interested in knowing the answer to this question too.  What say you, Connor’s Exalted Leader. .  . Professor Boo Radley?

Next week, on The Vampire Diaries . . .

See you then, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Eric Northman Wants YOU (to Come and Play With Him) – A Recap of True Blood’s “I’m Alive and On Fire”

Dear Mom,

                       Please buy me an underwater camera for my birthday.

         Hugs and Kisses,

        TV Recapper

Hey there, Fangbangers!  Welcome to another installment of the “I Drooled Over Amnesia Eric So Much that I Forgot Nearly Everything Else that Happened in this Episode” Recap Show (Well . . . except for what happened to Pam.  I wish I could have amnesia for what happened to Pam.  That was GROSS!).  But, truthfully, we learned a lot from this week’s True Blood!  Like, for example, what happens to a vampire, after he’s eaten the WHOLE fairy . . . 

Fairy Goggles . . .

 . . . and how to stake a trailer trash werepanther in the forest, while standing on a tree top (because you never know when a skill like that could come in handy) . . . 

 Thank you, Jason’s Hot Back, for remaining free of scary werepanther bites, and nasty sex scars, against all odds . . .

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We also learned why you shouldn’t leave out markers for your Demon Baby . . .

 Nice penmanship, Evil Spawn!

. . . and, most importantly, we learned HOW TO READ!

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s start LEARNING! 🙂

(By the way, special thanks to THIS SPECTACULAR SITE, for the majority of the fabulous screencaps you see here.  The less-than-fabulous ones, I made myself. :))

This Butt’s for YOU!

Amnesia Eric thinks Sookie has had a real stick up her butt, lately.  So, he generously decides to extract it for her . . .

When we last left Amnesia Eric, he was chowing down on some sweet Fairy Surprise . . .

 (As in, “SURPRISE!  You’re dead now . . .)

Now Claudine is nothing more than a tasty memory.  But her fairy dust remains, and it’s starting to tickle Eric’s brain .  . .

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First, he falls, face first, to the floor.  But then, he quickly recovers, and starts weaving toward Sookie, with a goofy smile on his face, and blood smeared across his chin, like a very messy baby . . .

“I want MORRRRRRRRE!”  He slurs contentedly.

As per usual, Sookie treats Eric like a disobedient child.  SPANK HIM, SOOKIE!  SPANK HIM!  “No!  You ate the WHOLE Fairy,” she tells him, frustratedly.  “And now you have to go to your room!”

(I love how Sookie doesn’t shed so much as one tear over the untimely demise of her Fairy Godmother.  Because, you know, if this was Cinderella, she would be bawling her eyes out .  . .)

“Damn Straight!”

Eric doesn’t want to go to his room.  He wants to eat Sookie.   And he tells her so, as he leans in close, and seductively whispers in her ear.  (See?  Even completely wasted, Amnesia Eric knows how to score with the ladies.)

“No!”  Sookie exclaims.  (She says “No” this week, almost as much as Eric said “Sorry,” last week)  “You’ll kill ME!”

I loved Eric’s shocked and saddened facial expression here, as he contemplates the notion of murdering his lover.  “I would never hurt you,” he explains earnestly.

But my favorite part of the scene  HAS to be, when Eric REFUSES to go inside (even though it is almost dawn) and gleefully pinches Sookie’s ass TWICE, before running away at vampire speed . . .

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Currently experiencing Ass Envy . . . 😦

Meanwhile, over at Fangtasia . . .

“Take this Crown, and Shove it . . . Your Heiny Highness . . .”

“You, stay away from MY Maker, you mean old Ancestor F*&ker!”

Eager to clean up the evidence of his little Sending Eric off to Be Killed by Witches Scheme, Bill visits Pam at Fangtasia, demanding that she inform him of Eric’s current whereabouts.  Pam kindly reminds Bill what a ruthless slimy crown-wearing douchebag he’s always been become, and then innocently claims that she has no clue where Eric is hiding.

Bill pouts, and says something like this:

So, Pam laughs in his face, and goes back to her job of being awesome and wearing kickass clothes . . .

But over in Rape Town I HATE THIS PLOT, AND AM SOOO GLAD MY JASON BABY FINALLY ESCAPED FROM IT! . . .

“I Want Candy.”

“Awww man, I really hope my Daddy doesn’t watch True Blood . . .”

For about the third episode in a row, Poor Shirtless Gory Jason is being ridden like a pony, by some trailer trash chick.  This girl looks particularly familiar.  I wish I had a screencap of her to show you.  But I think that she’s the same girl who jumped Jason in the police station, back during the Maenad Possession of Season 2.  If someone could confirm this for me, I would be oh so grateful . . .

“And I would be OH SO GRATEFUL, if you got on with this part of the recap, so I could escape this Hell Hole, and go back to being the Sexy, but Dimwitted, Comic Relief, already . . .”

(Sorry Jason! I’m on my way . . .)

So, that first girl, who may or may not have humped Jason back in Season 2, starts crying, because, even though Jason is tied up, and can’t exactly “reciprocate the love,” he still remains the best sexual partner she has ever had.  (Well, I guess when you screw your relatives all the time, things are bound to get a little yucky.  Isn’t that right, Bill Compton?)

The Old Dude from Hotshot sends in the next “candidate.”  She can’t be more than 13-years old . . .

“Breed, Ghost Daddy, Breed!”  Old Dude instructs Jason, before leaving these two to “do their thing.”

The pre-pubescent has learned well from her fellow trailer trash extras from the movie Deliverance, and promptly threatens to cut Jason’s manhood off, if he doesn’t lay there inert, while she, essentially takes her own virginity from herself.

Fortunately, Jason is eventually able to get through to the young girl, by telling her that her first time should be special.  Specifically, Jason explains that the first man Little Girl screws should be a guy who buys her stuff like candy.  (Of course, judging by Jason’s last sexual encounter’s assessment of the “eligible bachelor’s in hotshot,” this is a TOTAL LIE!  If Little Girl stays in Hot Shot, Jason Stackhouse will undoubtedly remain the Best Sex She’s Never Had.  (Join the club, Honey!)

Nevertheless, Little Girl eventually loosens Jason’s cuffs, allowing him to FINALLY ESCAPE THIS MISERABLE STORYLINE . . .

 . . . at least, for now . . .

Bad Dreams, and Puritanettes, Who Needed a Good Lay . . .

“So, let me get this straight . . . you set Eric up to get amnesia, so that he could seduce Sookie with his innocent, sweet, loveable ways?   Thank you!  This is, by far, the kindest thing you’ve done for fans, since that time you got kidnapped, and weren’t around for a couple of episodes.

“I think I just pooped in my pants.”

Unable to find Eric himself, Bill is forced to call Vampire League Leader Nan, with his tail between his legs, and inform her of the teensy weensy mistake he made.  Nan is undoubtedly beginning to wonder why she hired such an imbecile to be king.  Furthermore, she doesn’t think witches are supernatural adversaries worthy of as much man power as Bill has been using to combat them.  She helpfully explains to us that during the Salem Witch Trial, witches were easily brought down by a bunch of Uptight Puritanettes, Who Needed to Get Laid.  (Who knew?  Aside from Arthur Miller, of course.)

Apparently, both Nan and Pam shop at S&M-Loving Vampire B*tches R’ Us . . .

Nan demands that Bill find Eric and bring him back, without spilling any human (or witch) blood . . .  Ummm .  . . yeah, good luck with that, Mister Beeeel . . .

Speaking of witch trials, Marnie is having a bad dream about the chick who occasionally possesses her body.  In the dream, she is being burned at the stake . . .

“Psst . . . you, down there.  Got a hairbrush?  I’d really hate for my charred corpse to have bedhead.”

AHHHHHH! Anything but bedhead!”

In the dream, the witch starts chanting curses in Latin against the men who are burning her.  The  writers of the show helpfully translate these for us, in subtitles at the bottom of the screen.  (See above.)  Then Aunt Petunia Marnie, who doesn’t know a LICK of Latin, in her natural, unpossessed state, starts chanting along with the witch, before she waking up in bed, in a cold sweat, and undoubtedly wondering if Harry Potter is still in his bedroom under the stairs . . .

Shirtless Men Fighting Over Sookie (AGAIN)

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Sookie, once again, heads to Alcide’s house in hopes of having some hot doggy style sex, and requests his help in finding the Missing Eric.  Alcide wastes no time unzipping his pants and dropping trou for Sookie . . .

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Then the Lord made Alcide.  And he was GOOOOOD!

Once he has taken a nice long whiff of Eric’s scent, Alcide shifts into that cute little white wolf thing, and dashes off to find Eric.  He eventually locates him in a nearby lake . . .

DOGGY LIKE!

“Who has two hands, and likes to have sex underwater?  THIS GUY!”

Eric goofs around, in the water for a while, loving life, and soaking up the sun.  But when Alcide shifts back to his gorgeous shirtless glory, Eric promptly enters into a pissing contest with him, the unspoken prize being a First Class Trip inside Sookie’s panties . . .

Unfortunately, for Eric, he’s at a bit of a disadvantage, being allergic to the sun and all.  (He has only been able to last this long, as a result of the fairy blood he recently ingested.)  When Eric starts to feel the painful effects of Vampire Sun Exposure, Sookie mothers him, by calling him out of the water, and wrapping his body in her legs a big red blanket.

Papa Alcide then graciously helps Sookie get Eric home . . .

Elsewhere in the forest . .  .

Survivor  – Bon Temps: Jason Stackhouse Edition

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(And coming from the guy who was once thrown in jail on suspicion of being a serial killer . . . that’s saying a lot, CRYSTAL!)

While on the run, Jason rewards us for putting up with this Terrible Gang Bang Storyline, by promptly ripping off his shirt, and positioning his body in all sorts of attractive ways, that hide his unsightly sex bruises . . .

YEAH BABY!

Meanwhile, back in Trailer Trash Town, the Evil Felton has sneakily surmised that Little Girl is still a virgin.

This scene was SO wrong, on SO many levels . . .

Felton then rushes into Jason’s room, and learns that his Ghost Daddy has flown the coop, and tied up Old Dude to boot (maybe they could use him as a replacement “stud.”)

So, Felton rips off his shirt (of course) . . .

You know, if he wasn’t EVIL, and he didn’t come from such a garbage dump of a gene pool, Felton could actually be considered kind of hot!

 . . . turns into a panther . . .

. . . and heads off in pursuit of Jason, a.k.a. the Community Vibrator.  Now, while I do give kudos to the production department for fixing the cheesy werepanther image of Season 3, and making it much more realistic, I MUST gripe about the “panther sounds.”  These were just plain annoying! 

Throughout the scene, every two minutes, without fail, the panther would make a sound . . . the EXACT SAME SOUND . . . EVERY . . . SINGLE . . . TIME.  The sound guys didn’t bother to change the cadence, or the pitch, or ANYTHING. As a result, Felton’s werepanther growl sounded less like something you would hear in the jungle, and MORE like something you’d hear at a football game, before they brought out the mascot.  Just sayin’ . . .

Now, Jason isn’t a guy who known for his exemplary education, but, apparently, he’s at least read Lord of the Flies, since he knows enough, even in his weakened state, to sharpen a tree branch at both ends, climb up a tree, and attack the werepanther from above.  (Then again, maybe they teach you how to do stuff like that in the Bon Temps Police Academy.) 

Jason stabs Were-Felton in the head.  The latter, gets one last chomp at his leg, before falling naked and dead to the ground.

Nice knowing ya’, Felton!  That’s one Evil Werepanther down, one more to go . . . Obviously, I’m referring to Crystal.  (The rest, as far as I’m concerned, are basically just misguided dirty kids, and an Old Dude.  So, we can let them live, I think provided we never have to see them on screen EVER AGAIN.)  Speaking of that OTHER Werepanther that needs to be put to sleep . . .

And to think, I used to love ALL animals . . .

Talk about a wackadoo, Crystal is actually THRILLED that Jason murdered her boyfriend / sex partner / close relative.  And no matter how many times Jason threatens her with a stick, and tells her it’s over between them, girlfriend will just NOT TAKE A HINT.  She’s convinced that he will come crawling back to Hotshot, once his friends and family learn what happened to him.  “I’ll be waiting for you, at the Full Moon,” she calls after him cheerily, as he stomps away.

All I can say is, MAN, I HOPE NOT!  Because I can’t take any more of this crap.

Fortunately, Jason’s storyline ends on a high note this week, with Jess and Hoyt finding him on the side of the road, and Jess feeding Jason her blood to heal him.

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Team Jasicca, anyone?

Awww!  Don’t be mad at me, Hoyt!  I just call em’ like I see em’.  And there was some serious near-death, eye f*&king going on between those two . . .

Speaking of incest . . .

Portia and Bill Sitting in a Tree . . . The FAMILY Tree, that is!

“I know . . . I’ll just keep a copy of my Family Tree over my bed, so everyone I bone can check to make sure they aren’t related to me, first.”

Remember last week, when THIS happened  .  . .

And I reacted THIS way . . .

NOW YOU KNOW WHY!  Yes, boys and girls, Vampire Bill’s meeting with Andy and Portia’s grandmother went swimmingly well . . . at least until they figured out that they were all related to one another.  “Yu ahr mah great, great, great, great granndawtahhhh,” Bill admitted to his girlfriend on the porch, in that grating charming accent of his.

Poor Portia!  I wonder how many times she showered, after learning that she had “a little Compton in her” LOOOOOONG before she had a “little Compton in her,” if you catch my drift.  S0, much for incorporating “sex” into the business relationship . . .

In other effed up family news . . .

Tommy Can Read Books (But Apparently NOT People)

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OK . . . so we all know that Tommy Boy is a bastard, in pretty much every conceivable way.  He tried to steal from Sam, many times, and once, tried to get him hit by a car.  He manipulated Maxine Fortenberry into taking him in and teaching him how to read, only to decide to abandon her, and bilk her out of cash, at the first opportunity.  He’s a WHINY BRAT most of the time. 

A boy only a mother could love . . .

All that being said, I couldn’t help but feel just the teensiest bit bad for him this week.  After all, with parents like Jolie and Whatever-the-Heck-his-Mom’s-Name-Is, did Tommy have any chance to come out any better than he did?

 

Last week, I mentioned that I was a bit skeptical of the whole, “Let’s randomly pay Maxine Fortenberry lots of cash for oil” storyline.  As it turns out, my skepticism was founded, as it appears this may very well have been a ruse to bring Tommy back into the Mickens’ fold. 

Where I missed the boat, however, was in interpreting the reason behind Mommy Micken’s avoidence of the topic of her husband.  I thought she killed him.  That made me happy.

Yes, I’m a BAD PERSON.  Got a problem with that?

And while Mommy patted Tommy on the head, and told him what a smart boy he was for learning to read, I really thought, for a second there, those two might make it out of this season alive.  But then Jolie came out and put a chain around his son’s neck, thereby,  forcing him to return to the dogfighting ring.  And well, that was the end of that . . .  Just, whatever you do writers, don’t make us have to see Jolie NAKED AGAIN!  BECAUSE EWW!

I still think that Sam will eventually end up killing a family member this season, which will result in him becoming a Skinwalker.  However, now, my money is on Mommy Mickens being the victim, instead of Tommy.  (I’d say Jolie, but I don’t think the two are blood related.)

Speaking of Sam . . .

Blah, blah, blah, Jealous Ex Boyfriend Emergency, Bah

Who’s your Daddy?”

That’s right, folks.  Once again, Sam’s storyline was deadly boring.  He stopped by Luna’s house, uninvited.  She seemed briefly annoyed, because she didn’t want him to know she had a kid. 

Hey, I like kids . . . well, except for the one I shot in the leg . . .”

But Luna’s kid (her name is Emma, by the way) is not the real problem.  She’s cute, and likes to play Barbies.  (What more can a guy ask for in a surrogate daughter?)  The problem is the kid’s dad.  Apparently, he’s that brand of abusive stalker assh*le that only seems to appear in Lifetime movies.  Oh, yeah, and he’s also a werewolf . . .

In brighter news, Sam wasn’t nearly as douchey and detestable this week, as he’s been in recent weeks.  And his scenes with the little girl were actually kind of cute.  So . .  . yay for progress!

You know what’s not cute?  DEMON BABIES!

Terry Finally Wakes Up and Smells the Evil Baby Poop

OK . . . I take that back, Demon Babies can be cute.

So far this season, Baby Mikey has been pretty good about restricting his evilness to only stuff that Arlene could see.  This made Arlene look TOTALLY INSANE . . . which, let’s face it, made me like Evil Baby a whole lot more than I suspect I should have.

Get on with your Bad Self, Evil Baby!

But this time, Evil Baby showed its true colors to Terry by writing “Not your baby” in red marker on the living room wall, as Arlene and her two older children slept nearby.

In MUCH sexier news . . .

Eric Charms Sookie / Sookie Nuzzles Alcide / Debbie Pretends She’s Not Still a TOTAL NUTBALL


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Up until this point, Sookie has seemed kind of annoyed with Amnesia Eric.   It’s almost as though she didn’t quite believe his “condition” is real.  This sweet short scene illustrated the first sign of cracks in the brittle coat of armor Sookie has placed over her heart, ever since He Who Shall Not Be Named Beeeeeeeeeeeeel stomped on it so, mercilessly last season.

Like a cranky small child at bedtime, the afternoon finds Eric in his cubby hole, restless, and unwilling to sleep.  He also doesn’t want to be alone.  “Stay with me,” he begs Sookie, with disarming earnestness.

To which fans replied . . .

But Sookie (though she looked quite tempted by the Viking Vampire’s proposition) replied, “I’ve got human stuff to do.”

WHAT IS SHE NUTS?????!!!!!!  Perfect opportunity for mindblowing sex = WASTED!

Not to worry, Eric.  It’s early in the season yet.  You’ll get her next time . . .

Upstairs and out on the porch, Alcide called Sookie out for trusting Eric, and letting him live in her house, given his dubious past.  To this Sookie replied.  “Ring, ring, ring . . . hello, Pot?  It’s Kettle calling.  Guess what?  YOU’RE BLACK!”

That’s right, Alcide certainly has NO place telling Sookie she can’t let Eric sleep in her cubby hole, when Evil Trailer Trash Debbie is sleeping in his BED.  Unless, of course, he’s .  . . JEALOUS? 😉

Alcide and Sookie than share a WAY MORE THAN FRIENDLY extended hug, much similar to the one they shared together at the end of Season 3, with Sookie burrowing her head deep in Alcide’s muscular chest, and Alcide clearly relishing the closeness of his fairy princess . . .

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Meanwhile, Eric listens in on their conversation, pouting . . . (but at least, he can’t see The Hug from his cubby hole).

Back at Alcide’s House Trailer Trash Debbie in Sane Person’s Clothing inquires suspiciously as to whether Alcide shifted that day and why.  (I have no doubt she smells fairy on him!)  Alcide because he may be strong and sexy, but he’s also dumb as dogsh*t is honest with his girlfriend about spending the day with Sookie.  Debbie acts like she doesn’t mind, and thanks Alcide for being honest.  But there’s a glint in her eye, as she does this that just SCREAMS CRAZY TOWN! 

Hide your pet bunny, Alcide!

Bill Compton – Cockblock Extraordinaire

I mentioned cracks in Sookie’s emotional armor, in the previous scene.  But in this one, we get cracks in her panties as well! 🙂  It all starts when Sookie comes to visit Amnesia Eric in his cubby hole, and finds him depressed and listless.

I remember watching TVD last season, and being shocked at Resident Bad Boy Vamp Damon’s longing for humanity.  I had a similar reaction to Eric’s sad realization that he would never get to truly experience the sun again, in the same way he did earlier that day . . .

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In many ways, True Blood vampires have MORE to miss about being human than other television and film vampire incarnations, because they ARE literally “Dead Until Dark.”  Amesia Eric’s confession got me to wondering whether Memory-Having Eric experienced the same sense of loss last season, after HE got to spend some time in the light, as a result of drinking some of Sookie’s blood . . .

But enough about THAT!  You want to hear about the Seric SEXUAL TENSION, right?

There are plenty of naysayers who say that Sookie’s feelings for Amnesia Eric must be considered as completely separate from her feelings for Memory-Having Eric, as their personalities are so vastly different.  And yet, in this scene, Sookie speaks of Memory-Having Eric fondly, noting how confident and content he always seems to be, and how everything just seems to roll off his back.

 . . . or put him ON his back, whichever you prefer.

I also found it interesting that Amnesia Eric read enough into Sookie’s description of Memory-Having Eric to cause him to be jealous of his former self.  “You think I am weak,” he pouts.”

Sookie smiles sweetly at him, telling him that she simply wants to make him happy.  Well, Eric may have Amnesia, but he is NO DUMMY!  He knows an opening, when he sees one.  “Just kiss me once, and I will be happy,” he tells her.

The pair lean in close to one another, with passion in their eyes.  She looks at him intently.  He returns the gaze.  They move closer to eachother . . . Their bodies are touching . . . Their lips are inches apart. And then . . .

“Somebody, is at the door,” Eric announces.

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STUPID BEEEEL!  GRRRRR!

“Yeah, so I know that you are all big and important, now, and all.  But could you please leave so that I can have hot sex with go back to kissing Eric?”

Bill wants to know where Eric is (“He’s in my pants,” replies Sookie.  “Or, at least he would be if you didn’t come and eff it up!”) .  Sookie lies, and says she has no idea.  When Bill goes to search her home anyway, since, Eric, after all, does OWN it, Sookie lays a guilt trip on him, asking if she has ever lied to him before.  That made me laugh.  Way to go, SOOKIE! 🙂

Bill pushes past Sookie to search her house anyway, but stops at the threshhold.  He then gets a sad look on his face, and leaves.  And for about two seconds, I actually felt bad for Bill . . . but then, I got over it.

Meanwhile, in Scary Witch Land . . .

YOU RUINED PAM’S FACE!  (YOU BASTARD!)

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I love the contrast between the whiny scatterbrained Marnie and the self-assured remorseless Hallow who occasionally possesses her body.  We got to see the dichotomy between these two in full force, when Lafayette, Tara and Jesus, approached Marnie requesting help to remove the Amnesia spell from Eric, so that Pam didn’t kill them all.  To her credit, Marnie really did seem to want to help.  It’s just that . . . as a witch .  . . well, she kind of sucks!

Uhhhh .  . . I didn’t mean that.   Sorry!

“Get your ass on the Goddess Line, and get her to turn it around,” said Lafayette, of Marnie’s “Witchy Godmother.” 

Lafayette had more reason than ANY of them, to want Marnie to follow Pam’s wishes, after all, if anyone knows the evil Eric F*&king Northman can do, it’s HIM.

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Eventually, Hallow DOES give in, and help Marnie to find the spell she is seeking.  And so the Witchy Scooby Gang head out to meet Pam in the middle of the forest.  The problem of course, is that Pam is being extra special ornery, spouting out insults at the entire gang, cursing like a sailor, and lodging individual threats at everyone involved.

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This makes Marnie nervous, but it makes Hallow ROYALLY PISSED OFF, which is why she chooses this exact moment to do something REALLY INCREDIBLY DISGUSTING TO PAM’S FACE!  (In fact, it’s SO DISGUSTING that I refuse to put a picture of it on my blog.  Instead, you’ll get this cute picture of a kitty . . .

You’re welcome!

And that’s all she wrote.  🙂  See you next week, Fangbangers!

(This has sort of become the unofficial “closing credits” for my True Blood Recaps.)

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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