“With all the stress of My First Murder, I forgot to clean my bathroom, this week. Do you think anyone will notice?”
Greetings Fangbangers! This week’s installment of TVD was all about the things we do for love!
For example, Connor Jordan loved his Presto Chango / Invisible Ink tattoo so much, he spent all his spare time feeding it with dead vampires . . . even though doing that meant he had to live in a lame trailer, have no friends, and never ever get laid, despite being massively sexy, in a psychotic sort of way.
Klaus Mikaelson loves his hybrids so much that he is willing to send them all to certain death, in order to protect Elena (his hybrid-making machine)
Yeah, it doesn’t make sense to me either.
Damon loves Stefan so much, that he is willing to actually stick his hand inside his brother’s chest, just so that he can hold on to the latter’s heart, while the two are engaged in casual conversation . . .
“I don’t know, Stefan . . . I kind of thought it would be . . . bigger.”
So hold on to your heart strings, watch out for trip wires, and try not to let your imaginary friend bloody up your bathroom, because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .
Fun with Hypnosis . . .
Here’s something new! Meet Professor
Boo Radley Shane. He is a freak of nature in Mystic Falls, because, unlike any other male character on this show, he actually gives more craps about keeping Bonnie alive than Elena. So WEIRD, right?
*text messages writers, and orders them to kill off Professor Shane in three episodes*
Last week, TVD fans were shocked to learn that Professor Boo Radley and the hot-yet-destined-to-die-in-four-episodes Connor McVampire Killer were in COHOOTS with one another!
“Oh no! Not COHOOTS, anything but COHOOTS!“
Actually, we weren’t all that shocked, because we could generally care less about Professor Boo Radley and his snoozy classes at Fakey McFake University. But that’s neither here nor there . . .
Anywhoo . . . this week, Professor Boo Radley and Muscles Van Trailer Park chat cryptically about their plans for our Scooby Gang. Muscles’ plan involves basically murdering them all, so he can finish his Magic Body Maze, and learn his character’s own back story.
“It would be a shame to die without ever knowing why God made me look so good naked . . .”
Professor Boo Radley’s plans are a bit more hazy. In fact, we still have no clue what they are, beyond the fact that, in order for them to work, Bonnie has to be not-dead.
To be honest, nothing much happens in this part of the story. Basically, Professor Boo Radley uses Jedi mind tricks, boring speeches about “not fearing your witchy powers,” and his complete lack of personality to lull our resident witch into a comatose stupor for seven hours. This way, she’ll forget to be the plot device that rescues all the more important characters on the show!
No need to be embarrassed, Bonnie. Most of the audience fell asleep during this part too.
And guess what? His EvilGenius! Plan works! P.S. Bonnie also lit some candles with her MIND, which is SUPER COOL . . .
Yeah, because THAT’S not a fire hazard at all . . .
. . . or, at least it was super cool . . . You know, before we discovered electricity, and stuff . . .
Speaking of mental manipulation . . .
Sorry, April Young! It looks like we are going to have to erase your brain again, this week!
It’s characters like April Young that make me wonder about the cumulative effects of vampire compulsion on the human psyche. Have you ever pressed so hard, while using an eraser, that you poked a hole in the paper? That’s what I fear is starting to happen to April Young’s brain.
I mean, think about it. Girlfriend has been compelled at least once in every single solitary episode in which she’s appeared. She’s already lost at least five days of her life. Possibly more. How much longer, before her brain just gets tired of being erased, and starts staying empty, as a form of self defense?
It wouldn’t be the first time . . .
When we first see April, this week, she’s paying a visit to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls to inquire after her good buddy, Rebekah. You guys remember, Rebekah, right? Cute . . . blonde . . . met the pointy side of the Nap Time for Originals Dagger, last week . . .
Matt doesn’t have a clue where Klaus Barbie is hiding. And he doesn’t care, thank you very much! In fact, Matt’s much more concerned with the whereabouts of a certain Mini Gilbert, who is (gasp) 30 minutes late for work . . .
This is bad . . . especially when you consider the fact that Matt and Jeremy seem to be the only two people who actually work at this bar. Seriously, I’ve never seen a manager, another waiter, or bartender . . . not even a dishwasher. Nobody ever seems to lift a plate in this place, aside from CinderMatt. If anyone is in need of a Fairy Godmother, it’s this guy!
Sorry Matt, it turned back into a pumpkin at midnight . . .
Little does Matt know that JerBear is currently being held at gunpoint by Baldy Vin Sexyvillain.
The latter then promptly takes Matt and April hostage too, right there in the bar. Now, that’s just inconsiderate! What the heck are the town’s resident alcoholics going to do, when they see the sign outside the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls that says : Closed Due to Hostage Crisis. Come Back Later?
Alaric Saltzman must be rolling over in his grave!
I hope, for their sakes, that the Only Liquor Store in Mystic Falls opens early . . .
Connor then sends out a text message to Klaus, Stefan, Damon and Tyler, warning them that if they don’t retrieve their pet humans by sundown, HEADS WILL ROLL . . .
“Yippee! I can add them to my collection!”
Hmmm . . . I’m just curious how Connor managed to get all these guys’ cell phone numbers. Do they come free with the tattoo?
Back home, it’s time for another Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Development, courtesy of our Scooby Gang. We haven’t had one of those in a while, have we? True to form, both Damon and Tyler are all, “Let’s kill this Hunky Bastard! Villains on this show, who aren’t Klaus, are only supposed to live three episodes. He’s already had four! Dude is on borrowed time, Man!”
“Don’t be greedy, Connor. It’s time to let the next bad guy move into the Villain Timeshare Trailer.”
Also true to form, Stefan is all, “Let’s not kill the Big Bad Vampire Hunter, because killing is bad . . . except, when I’m the Ripper, because then killing is awesome.
P.S. My boyfriend Klaus evoked the “Save Elena” clause in our F*ck Buddy contract, rendering me puddy in his Big Burly Original Hybrid Hands.
“Oops, wrong season. What I mean to say is . . .”
“Humans are blessed creatures, even the ones who like to chop off our heads and use them as hat racks.”
Though Elena’s fierce love for her brother, and new-found vampire-y killer instincts, make her more partial to Damon’s and Tyler’s point of view, she ultimately decides to support Saint Stefan, and his lame, non-violent, approach to hostage rescue . . . at least, for now
Speaking of Elena, for someone who supposedly LOOOOOVES Stefan . . . only Stefan . . . always Stefan . . . she sure was quick to find an excuse to jump Damon in bed, straddle him, and taunt him with a phallic object, wasn’t she?
Some of my favorite Damon and Elena moments, last season, featured them
aggressively fondling one another, while trading grunts and moans of ecstasy “training to fight vampires.” So, it was really nice to see that sexy, rough and tumble, aspect of their relationship revisited this week.
“For someone who doesn’t want to be like me, you sure are good at it,” Damon notes, with a mixture of admiration and apparent arousal, as Elena hovers breathlessly over him, a tantalizing prelude to something more . . .
Later on in the episode, Stefan will complain that he doesn’t “recognize” the person post-vampire Elena has become. But, to me, Damon’s and Elena’s flirtatious fight scenes are proof that Elena’s fierceness and aggressive nature existed long before she drowned, underneath the Wickory Bridge . . .
Speaking of aggressive . . .
Tyler Lockwood . . . not quite as big of a male slut as we once thought . . .
It’s been a while since we’ve seen Caroline’s kitty claws come out, in defense of her man. But that’s exactly what happened this week, when she came face-to-face with Hayley, i.e. the werewolf who watched Tyler get naked and sweaty repeatedly for six months, while he “broke his sire bond.” (Now, if that doesn’t sound like a euphemism for sex, I don’t know what does!)
Now, of course, I always am, and always will be 100% Team Caroline. That said, I couldn’t help but grudgingly respect Hayley for refusing to engage in a girl fight with Caroline, despite being provoked to do so. “I don’t do Girl Drama. Talk to Ty,” she said coolly, before exiting, stage left.
Later, Caroline’s “I’m being cheated on” senses start tingling again, when she spots Tyler and Hayley embracing over the shared lost of a mutual hybrid friend. (More on that unlucky bastard, later.)
“Why is my boyfriend dry humping the mean witch from The Secret Circle?”
Tyler, of course, assures Caroline that he and Hayley are “just friends.” (We’ve all heard that one before, haven’t we?)
But Tyler takes his defense one step further, explaining that he and Hayley are actually plotting a Hybrid Revolt against Klaus, whereby they will teach other hybrids to break the “I am Klaus’ B*tch” hold he has over all of them. He claims to have allowed Klaus to believe he was cheating on Caroline with Hayley, in order to throw him off the scent of what was really going on . . .
Do we believe Tyler? For now, I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Then again, it’s possible that the fact that Tyler looks so great with his shirt off is clouding my judgement.
Mmmmmm . . . pretttttttttyyyyyy
I guess we will soon find out, either way . . .
Stefan Salvatore . . . proving once again that you don’t actually have to be a hybrid to be Klaus’ b*tch . . .
While Klaus is away playing Find the Majestic
Penis Sword, his boyfriend Stefan keeps himself busy, by carrying out the former’s Super Secret Plan to extract Villain-of-the-Week Connor and his Magical Maze tattoo from the hostage den. This way, Team Ripper can use Connor’s hot bod to Cure Elena of Icky Vampirism.
Klaus and Stefan . . . saving The World . . . one Brokeback Mountain at a time . . .
Klaus gets his hybrids. Stefan gets his “angelic girlfriend” back. And Elena can stop writing massively depressing diary entries, like the one she wrote at the beginning of the episode. Everybody wins, right?
Now, remind me why this “plan” had to be kept a Super Secret, again? Because it seems to me that both Damon and Elena would have been a lot more amenable to following Stefan’s lead, had he actually TOLD them why he was doing things this way. Instead, Stefan just acted shady, ignored both of their phone calls, and . . . oh yeah . . . STAKED DAMON WITH VERVAIN, AND STOLE HIS SUNSCREEN RING!
This is probably one of those situations where plot necessity gets in the way of character consistency and logic, right?
I thought so . . .
Unnecessary secrecy aside, Klaus’ and Stefan’s “Master Plan” to “save” Connor seemed kind of . . . how do I put this nicely . . . dumb? I mean, come on, here is a guy who loves killing vampires so much that he’s WALKING AROUND WITH THE DECAPITATED HEAD OF THE ONE HE KILLED IN THE LAST EPISODE, and using it’s spit to make explosives. (By the way, do decapitated heads really continue to produce saliva? Creepy!)
We’re not exactly talking garden-variety evil here. This dude is f*&ked up with a capital “F.” And he’s got three people you care about, in his clutches. (Well . . . two people you care about, and one April.)
Now, I’m no army strategist. But to me, when you have soldiers in danger, in a room, that is likely rigged with explosives, sending in one of your men to basically get himself, and everyone else in the place, blown up (Sorry, random hybrid with the literal gaping hole in your heart!), seems like a BAD IDEA.
Meanwhile, back in the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Current Vampire Hunter Connor continues to flirt with his hostage Future Vampire Hunter Jeremy, in what I imagine is some form of Reverse Stockholm Syndrome. Hunky McCrazy brags to Jeremy that he is so gung ho about killing vamps, he even killed his best friend, after she became one. Aww, what a sweet story!
Elsewhere, Matt, i.e. the second-to-last-person-in-Mystic-Falls-to-learn-that-vampires-exist, tries to tell April, i.e. the-only-person-in-Mystic-Falls-to-not-know-vampires-exist that this hostage situation is perfectly normal, and has absolutely nothing to do with supernatural creatures, NO SIR! In the back of the bar, Matt manages to find the opening to some underground railroad tunnel, which, conveniently enough is the route by which our Scooby Gang is planning its rescue.
“I mean, seriously April, how could Stefan be a vampire, when he doesn’t even sparkle like that Twilight guy?“
Hovering over a still unconscious Damon, Elena sees an explosion go off at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, and becomes restless to save her baby bro. She tells Damon that even though she is a week-old vampire, she should TOTALLY be able to take on a supernaturally-endowed Vampire Hunter who has already beaten the crap out of multiple hybrids, not to mention, Damon, himself!
Damon, who’s strong desire to get into Elena’s vampire pants, seems to have clouded his judgment a bit this week, says “Sure! Go ahead. Put yourself in harms way, and battle the murderous psychopath, who already almost killed you with werewolf venom, once. No problem!”
“Doh! Must . . . stop . . . thinking . . . with . . . weiner . . .”
By the time Elena arrives at the Only Bar . . . etc. a hostage standoff is already in progress. Stefan is trying to convince Connor to “turn himself in” so that he can “learn his backstory from Klaus.” Elena overhears this, and is furious. She enters, pleading for Jeremy’s life, and, when that fails, vamps out on the vampire hunter’s ass.
Elena gets so invested in her own fighting skills, she fails to notice that (1) Connor has shot Jeremy; and (2) Stefan took Connor out of the room five minutes ago. Elena has been fighting with herself the whole time. HAHA!
*texts writers, instructing them to kill off the mean, snarky, TV Recapper within three episodes”
While curing her brother with her vampire blood, Elena learns about Jeremy’s recent Nude Art Escapades with Connor, and how Stefan compelled him to forget it all. Furious, Elena heads out in pursuit of the Guy-Who-Almost-But-Didn’t-Quite-Kill-Her-Brother-Ex-Boyfriend-and-Some-Chick-Named-April . . .
Meanwhile, Damon meets Stefan in the tunnel for a little heart-to-heart . . . and by heart-to-heart, I mean, Damon grabs a hold of Stefan’s heart inside his chest, and starts wiggling his hand around, while the two engage in conversation. Stefan thinks to himself, “Hey, that tickles!”
He also thinks to himself, “Now would probably be a good time to tell Damon about the whole “Cure for Elena’s Vampirism” thing.
This convinces Damon to give Stefan back his heart. But it would have convinced me to PULL IT OUT! I’d be so pissed off, if I were Damon. I’d be bashing Stefan’s heart with a sledgehammer, while screaming at the top of my lungs. “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. IF YOU DIDN’T DO THIS, WE COULD HAVE SKIPPED OVER NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE ENTIRELY, AND GONE STRAIGHT TO THE MISS MYSTIC FALLS ONE! I WANT TO GET MY DANCE ON, DAMMIT!”
Oh, and I almost forgot . . . Elena killed Connor. . .
That’s right . . . first she bit him, than she broke his neck, then she tried to bury him, with his dried blood still caked across her mouth.
Honestly, I’ll never understand that. What exactly do vampires have against napkins?
“Don’t worry. This isn’t blood. I’m just really bad at putting on lipstick.”
Damon and Stefan find a very distraught Elena in the woods, and silently marvel at her uncanny ability to screw up all Scooby Gang plans, even the ones she isn’t aware exist. They decide not to tell her about the whole “cure for vampirism” thing. You know, because keeping secrets from one another has served the SO well, in the past . . .
DAMON: “Hey Stefan, you have a little something on your shirt.”
STEFAN: “Yeah, and whose fault is that, ASSHOLE?”
In other “secrets” news, Mini Gilbert’s got a bitchin’ new tattoo! I guess Connor was right, when he said, once he dies someone new will take his place. And we all know how much fun Jeremy had wacking off the noggin of that hybrid, last season, right? He’ll complete the Magic Maze in no time!
“Why do I have this sudden urge to murder my sister?”
Oh, and Jeremy also gave April Young his vervain bracelet, to keep her brain from turning into cottage cheese, as a result of all of that compulsion. (You might remember it as the bracelet Jeremy received from Anna back in Season 1. This only serves to remind me of how much cooler Anna was than April. *sigh*)
Apparently, hunters who descend from The Five are immune to compulsion anyway, so he won’t be needing it anymore. Still, it’s a pretty significant sacrifice to make for a guest star, who will probably be dead in three episodes, anyway.
Then again, I guess, once she dies, you can take back the bracelet, Jer Bear.
In which Damon Salvatore loves Elena Gilbert just the way she is . . .
even though she forgets to wipe her mouth, after she eats
In what was probably my second favorite scene in the episode (the first, obviously being the Delena Straddle Sex one), Damon agrees to help Stefan continue to search for the cure for Elena’s vampirism. During their conversation, Stefan admits to being not all that crazy about the fanger Elena is becoming.
To which, Damon gallantly responds . . .
Who would have thought the nefarious Damon we met back in early Season 1 would end up being the Salvatore brother more capable of unconditional love?
As I mentioned earlier, I find it hard to believe, and a bit disconcerting, that Elena has been a vampire for only about a week, and already Stefan is complaining that he “doesn’t recognize her.” Really? Because, aside from the occasional vamp out, she doesn’t seem all that different to me. In fact, I kind of wish the writers would be bold enough to explore her darkside more, not less . . .
If there was ever any doubt in my mind that Stefan idealized and put Human Elena on a pedestal, it’s gone now . . .
Speaking of gone, it appears that Elena’s mind is taking a little detour. In the final scene of the episode, she envisions her bathroom bathed in blood, and the word “Killer” etched on her bathroom mirror.
Is this merely a psychological manifestation of the guilt Elena feels over her first kill? Has she accidentally stepped into a straight-to-video version of the I Know What you did Last Summer film franchise?
Or, is something more sinister afoot.
Tune in next week to find out. Until then, Fangbangers!