Tag Archives: 4.9

Damon Salvatore is a Babe Magnet . . . Literally – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “We’ll Always Have Bourbon Street”

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Greetings Fangbangers!  So, I’ve been cooking up this theory that I’d like to share with you.  You see, I think that the characters on TVD are like superheroes, in that every one of them has a special magical power, that they can use to combat their enemies.

paul super

Jeremy sees dead people, and is really good at lifting beer kegs . . .

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Bonnie has the power of magical nosebleeds, and unintelligible chanting.  These powers alternatively gross her enemies out, or leave in them in a bored stupor, rendering them helpless against attack . . .

2 18 imperial bedrooms kat nose

Caroline has the Power of Perkiness, which makes it difficult to dislike her, even when she’s doing unlikeable things, like complaining about Damon, for no good reason . . .

2 16 caroline j baker

Elena has the power to make anyone and everyone completely disregard their own self-interests, and risk their lives and happiness to save her, even when she doesn’t seem to really need saving .  . .

bloody elena

Matt has the power of Magical Waitering.  I’m not quite sure how it works.  I just know he’s a really good waiter, because that’s what we see him doing 95% of the time he’s on the show.

The Last Day

Tyler has the power to make you forget what a douchebag he was in Season 1 . . .

tyler points

Ripper Stefan has the power to eat however many people he wants and never gain weight . . .

tortured-stefan

Why am I telling you all this, you ask?

Simple.  It’s because this week, we finally got to learn Damon’s magical power.  Interestingly enough, it’s one he shares with the actor who plays him.  That’s right, boys and girls.  Both Damon Salvatore and Ian Somerhalder have the power to render any woman they “sink their teeth into” helplessly under their thrall, forever and ever . . .

damon eternal stud

After all, that’s what this controversial “sire bond” storyline is all about, isn’t it?  It effects your bodily responses, not your brain.  It’s basically a slightly less intense, but more long term, form of perpetual compulsion.  At least, that’s what they’re  telling us this week.  Back when Tyler was first sired, it was something completely different.

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And who better than Damon Salvatore to be the one vampire who, just like his alter ego, Ian Somerhalder, seems to convert every woman he “turns” (and some fangirls that he doesn’t), into his willing love slave?

Let’s review, shall we?

[Again, special thanks to Andre for the spectacular screencaps you see here . . . even if parts of his comment on my recap from last week did make me cry a little bit. :)]

Delena Sex 2.0 – Now with more belly kisses!

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I find it a little ironic that of all the sex songs in the world, the producers chose “Eyes on Fire,” the unofficial Twilight theme song, as the soundtrack to Delena’s Morning Sex.  Considering how much the writers of this show, and its cast, hate being compared to the “Bedward” Franchise, you would think they would run screaming from this particular little ditty.

sparkling-edward-cullen-wallpaper

Now, if they start playing the Buffy the Vampire Slayer theme song, every time Jeremy comes on screen, I’ll know they are just f*&king with us . . .

spike-on-buffy

Anywhoo, we ended last week’s episode with Damon and Elena having sex.

stayed for the show

And that’s how we started this week’s episode.  I like to imagine that this is because Damon and Elena have been screwing like bunnies, nonstop, for an entire week.  Way to show off that vampire sex stamina, kiddies!

In reality, I imagine, in Mystic Falls, just a few hours of passed, which is still impressive, I guess.  But, you know . . .

Whatever the time duration, it was White Hot . . . like almost hot enough to pay us Delena fans back for last week’s blue ballsy, Caroline and Stefan sponsored, coitus dotheyevershutupus . . .

delena sex

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I don’t know about all of you, but I look craptastic, when I sleep.  Messy hair, bags under the eyes, drooling open mouth, a stupid expression on my face.  To combat this potential embarrassment, whenever I have company over, I tend to sleep with a bag over my head.

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Trust me, it’s better for everyone this way . . .

Fortunately for Elena, Damon doesn’t have that problem.  That close up shot of his naked bod, his blissfully peaceful closed eyes, and his smiling-in-his sleep expression, was phe-f*&king-nomenal.  In fact, I’d very much like to tape it to the inside of my eyelids, so that I could look at it, while I sleep  . . .

sleeping damon yum

wake up damon

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Things only got better from there.  Elena pops up in Damon’s black button down, and matching panty and bra set (Come on!  We all know she woke two hours early to brush her hair, put on makeup and plan out that “just woke up” ensemble).

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They smile at eachother, with this look that says, we just f*&ked eachothers’ brains out, and all is right in the world.

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And, before you know it, they are at it again . . .

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Honestly, I haven’t seen these two individuals seem so happy, and so at peace with themselves in  . . . well . . . ever.  Sire Bond, Schmire Bond.  If it feels this good, I say you should keep doing it.  After all, you only live once . . . or, in this case . . . once FOREVER.

From the sex moans, to the titillating neck kisses, to the part where we focused on Damon’s ecstatic expression, as Elena DEFINITELY went below his belly button, and, as the song says, “blew his whistle, baby,” I continually wonder how this show manages to keep it’s 8 p.m. time slot, without massively pissing off the censors.

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Not that I’m complaining, or anything . . .

And let me tell you, that sex must have been awesome.  Because, after one day, Damon and Elena have already seemingly settled into matrimonial bliss, with him handing off her lunch bag, and tying her scarf, as the kiss eachother adoringly and bid one another adieu at the door.

coupley

Elena’s so happy with Damon, she is even willing to go to school with Sex Head, as Caroline and Bonnie not-so-lovingly point out to her, later in the morning.

But then, just as Elena is leaving, Stefan pops by, because he happened to be “in the neighborhood.”

awkwardness

awkward post sex

Here’s a hint, Damon.  If you want to hide your morning wood from your brother, your hands should be lower .  . .

By the way, is he bunking with Caroline now?  Because, based on those opening scenes, it seemed as though Damon and Elena weren’t the only vampire duo to spend the night together, after the events of the previous week.  Personally, I hope we later find out that the two of them let their Elena-sized frustrations get the better of them, and boned off screen.

staroline

Now, that would be an interesting twist!  Just imagine what Klaus would do, if he found out the two loves of his life “knew one another” in the biblical sense!

klaus tums

“My heart is a-fire with sadness!”

We need to talk . . .

Smug.  That’s how I would describe Stefan Salvatore’s expression when he tells Damon about the whole “siring thing” that he and Caroline spent the WHOLE night discussing.  In fact, he is so smug that part of me wants Damon to jump on of his chair and shout out, “ELENA AND I HAD SEX,” just to wipe that look off of his face.

stefan shrug

But, alas, Damon restrains himself.  And so Stefan assigns his elder brother a little “test” to confirm his hypothesis regarding the existence of this all-powerful sire bond.  (Those guys from The Big Bang Theory would be proud!)  Damon has to tell Elena to drink from a blood bag, something she had previously been unable to do.  If she can do it, she’s sired.  If not, not.  It’s that simple.

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

Or is it?

Because, if I recall correctly, Damon never told Elena that she wouldn’t be able to drink his blood.  And yet, “Sire Girl” went and yakked that up too.  I also don’t recall Damon telling Elena to run off in a huff, after the two engaged in a bit too much “Snatch, Eat, Erase,” at that frat party.

damon and matt

Let’s not forget about the time Elena beat the sh*t out of Damon for trying to kill Matt . . .

leave him alone

So, Elena doesn’t always do everything Damon says.  At least, she hasn’t up until this week . . .

Long story short, Damon heads to visit Elena for her once-a-month trip to school  And what Elena thought was going to be a surprise Coitus Session, in Alaric’s old classroom (R.I.P. Big Guy!), ended up being nothing more than an impromptu “bottle feeding.”

blood bag

blue balls

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, the experiment works.  Elena, of course, is thrilled.  Now, that she can drink Soccer Mom from a juice box, our newest resident fanger can once again be the “Moral Vampire” she’s always assumed she’d be!

school hug

“Now, can we have sex?”

Plus, I don’t know who she’s been drinking from all this time.  But my guess is that Bar Boy Matt has developed a serious Iron Deficiency.  Now, when he and Jer Bear get high together at the Gilbert house, instead of stumbling around Mystic Falls, muttering, “Dude where’s my truck?,” he just sort of collapses on the floor and plays dead. . .

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Damon, of course, looks terribly depressed.

damon soulful crying

And when Damon is depressed, we’re all depressed . . .

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Of course, the scene also serves as a reminder of how much this character has changed since Season 1.  I’m thinking Old Damon would have had a blast with this siring scenario.  In fact, I strongly suspect he would have said something like this.  “Hey Elena.  That’s great that you can drink from blood bags now.  That means you can drink from me . . . no wait, try sipping from my other head . . .”

2 16 delena up closer

All kidding aside, at this point, the poor vampire has got to be feeling like the World is out to get him . . . or at least to Cockblock him for All Eternity . . .

Teen Wolf Tyler versus Kim the Barbarian

With the exception of a tie-in scene that occurs later on in the episode, Tyler and Hayley’s plotline seemed distinctly separate from the rest of the episode.   So, I’m going to summarize it as such.

tyler crack

Considering how hybrids on this show are killed as easily as ants crushed under foot, it’s kind of a miracle that Klaus has managed to keep Lucky 13 of them alive, as long as he has.

If I recall correctly, last week we were told that “Kim” was the last of the sired hybrids.  But apparently, another one has magically appeared.  And when that hybrid gripes about the painful un-siring process, Kim rides to his rescue, asserting the moderately attractive male hybrid’s God-given right to be Gay for Klaus FOREVER .  . .  Talk about democracy at it’s finest . . .

unturned

kim and guy

“I’m calling PETA!”

At first, Tyler only seems mildly annoyed by this recent turn of events.  And this prompts Hayley to Lady MacBeth him into asserting dominance over Kim and the rest of this Rag Tag Hybrid Crew.  It was all very Derek Hale in Teen Wolf to me, which probably made me enjoy the storyline, more than I would otherwise.  They even tossed around the term “Alpha,” this week, with as much frequency as Stefan says the words “emotions are heightened.”

im the alpha cameronbaum

(By the way, if I ever decide to make a Talking Stefan Salvatore doll, remind me to include “emotions are heightened” as one of the phrases that comes out of his mouth, when you pull the string in his ass.  Other Stefan-y sayings include: “I’m doing it for Elena,” “You’re wrong, Damon,” “I had to know her,” and, my personal favorite, “I’m freaking hungry!”)

freaking hungry

Later in the episode, we learn the reason why Hayley is so intent on ALL of the hybrids breaking their bond.  You see, apparently, she promised Good Ole Professor Boo Radley sex TWELVE hybrids, in return for information about her “missing parents.”  (Geez!  Is EVERYONE on this show an orphan?)  And if she gets all the ones that are Not Tyler to fall in line, Ty-Ty can live, while his dozen packmates fry like bacon.

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Now, that’s what a call a Nice Girl . . .

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Seriously though, I was happy to hear a solid reason why Hayley would choose to be . . . wait for it . . . IN CAHOOTS . . . with a creeper like Professor Boo Radley.  Now, that I know the reason, I can go back to thinking she’s awesome . . .

In slightly less awesome news . . .

Another Brick in the Wall . . .

As much as I adored seeing Damon and Stefan in 40’s hair and military uniforms (one word: SMOKIN!) . . .

period piece damon 1

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. . . part of me felt like the writers could have had a lot more fun with the New Orleans / Louisiana backdrop than they did.  For starters, Louisiana has always had a rich history, when it comes to belief in the supernatural.   It’s the Home of Voodoo, for crying out loud!  I would have thought the TVD staff would have had a field day with that little tidbit.

Aside from that, HELLO!  MARDI GRAS!  FAT TUESDAY!  That sort of decadence and debauchery has got to be a veritable smorgasbord for vampires looking to bite a neck (or a boob), in exchange for a cheap beaded necklace or two.

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Additionally, I feel like Plec and co. totally wasted the opportunity to include at least ONE deliciously meta True Blood joke . . .

must be thurs

I wanna do real bad things with you . . .

But enough griping.  Let’s focus on what actually happened.  Shall we?

Damon and Stefan decide to road trip to New Orleans, because it turns out that Elena isn’t the first newbie vampire to catch the Sire Disease from Damon.  Apparently, some chick named Charlotte got it too.

made a meal

Odd right?  Because Damon seemed genuinely surprised when Stefan broke the news about Elena’s sire bond to his brother.  You would think, given his past, Damon reaction would be something more along the lines of “Oh crap!  Not again!  Why do I have to be so gosh darn irresistible?”

Anywhoo, Sire Charlotte isn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.  And apparently, back in 1940, when Damon tried to get rid of her, by telling her to count bricks in the wall and wait for his return, she did . . . FOR SEVENTY FRIGGIN YEARS.

not that into you

oh hell to the no

You know what that tells me?  Charlotte doesn’t know how to count . . .

You would think girlfriend would be totally pissed about being dissed like this. I mean, this was a girl who KILLED A SAILOR just because he spilled Damon’s drink.  Talk about someone with anger management issues.  But it turns out she’s POSITIVELY THRILLED to see Damon.

Charlotte, I suspect, is meant to be the poster child for why siring is BAAAAAD.  But I strongly suspect that Charlotte’s bizarre behavior had just as much to do with the kind of person she was before Damon sired her as it does with the supernatural bond.  Case in point, had the sire bond worked like this on Elena, she’d still be over at that frat party from a few episodes ago, “snatching, eating and erasing,” until her lips fell off . . .

vampire elena

Charlotte’s behavior must have freaked out Damon pretty badly back then, because he was willing to visit some Witchy Lady and KILL 12 people, just because the Crazy Lady told him it MIGHT break the sire bond.  Talk about the power of suggestion!

Oooh . . . wait a second . . . TWELVE PEOPLE .  . .the TWELVE HYBRIDS that Professor Shane needs for his spell . . . I SMELL A PARALLEL!

lightbulb-idea

As it probably already figured out, it doesn’t work.  And Damon skips town as a result . . . well, not entirely.  He also skips town, because LEXI tells him that he’s a BAAAD influence on Stefan, and that his mere presence will make his baby bro go full-on Ripper again.  I’m starting to think that Caroline is actually Lexi reincarnated . . .

lexi shortcake

Oh look!  It’s Lexi Fruitcake!

strawberry shortcake

I’m actually not going to go into too much more detail regarding this brotherly un-bonding, except to say that, like many of the occurrences on this show, it made me mad, on Damon’s behalf.  I mean, come on!  How many times are we going to have to see this guy, give up his happiness, and pretend to be a dick, for the “greater good?”  It’s exhausting . . .

Speaking of exhausting . . .

Would you like a side of judgment, with that Bourbon?

Girls night IN at La Casa de Rich and Awesome for Elena, Bonnie and Caroline.  It’s been a while since we’ve seen these three have anything resembling a good time with one another.  So, it was kind of refreshing to see it happen here, even if it was only for a short while.

friends cuddle

Also, was it just me, or did Bonnie seem way more chill this week, than she’s been in about three seasons?  Put it this way, in this episode, BONNIE was telling CAROLINE not to be judgmental and obnoxiously mean about Damon.  Go figure!  Maybe all that “Spirit Tea” (Come on TVD!  Call it what it OBVIOUSLY was, MARY JAY!   Not one of those girls picked up a teacup the entire night.), coupled with her 18 hour long hypnosis sections with Professor Boo Radley have finally mellowed her out . . .

sleepy bonnie

Now, if she could just do something about her mumbling and perpetually bloody noses, I could maybe learn to appreciate her more as a character . . . NAH, I still probably wouldn’t.  But it would be a start.

Anyway, we get a nice little montage of the girls all drugged up and dancing around the apartment, not unlike Damon famously did with the tragic Victoria Donovan, back in Season 1.  Elena even did that trademark Damon Dance Move, where she flew up on the furniture and gyrated to the music, like an undead female Elvis.  Bonnie recorded it on her cell phone for posterity . . .

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speed dancing

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But things take a turn for the worst, when Elena starts lounging in Damon’s empty bathtub, prompting Caroline to joke that you could probably get STDs from sitting in there.  (Can vampires even get STDs?)

love bathtub

The comment infuriates Elena.  And Caroline’s insistence that she only loves Damon, because she’s sired to him pisses her off even more.  Elena then proudly admits to boning Damon .  . .

admits to sex

rough sex

. . . before excommunicating her besties from the premises.  YEAH!  YOU GO GIRL!  YOU DEFEND THAT DELENA SEX TO THE DEATH!  I know I will . . .

need to leave

Unfortunately, they don’t get very far in their  exile.  Because, as it turns out, Elena has some company . . .

Alls well that ends witchy . . .

Back in New Orleans, Damon meets with a VERY well-preserved witch lady, who ends up being the daughter of the Original Witch Lady who made him kill all those people.  AWK-WARD!

witch lady

witch mom

Want to see things get more uncomfortable?  Next she tells him that the whole “killing people to break the sire bond,” thing was a total crock of sh*t.  Mommy Dearest only told him that, so that she can obtain power from his murders to practice EVIIIIIIIILLL magic.  Hmmm . . . is that what Professor Boo Radley is up to?  Maybe . . .

But don’t hate on Witchy Lady just yet.  It turns out, she’s on Team Delena!

go team delena

After all, she DOES tell Damon and Stefan that sire bonds among vampires only arise when the bonded pair ALREADY has strong romantic feelings for one another.  Take that, VAMPIRE BARBIE!

human feelings

But then Witchy Lady quickly falls out of my good graces, by telling Damon that the only way he can break the sire bond to Elena is by telling her never to see him again.  I don’t know.  That sounds like a bit much, don’t you think?

nodding oh yeah

You would think a Master of Compulsion like Damon would find a more “direct” way of accomplishing this goal.  Like, for example, “Hey Elena.  Here’s a thought.   When I tell you to do stuff, you shouldn’t do it, just because I asked you.  You should stop, and think long and hard about whether you ACTUALLY want to do it.  Then do it or don’t do it, based on that . . .  You know, kind of like you’ve ALWAYS done, up until these past two episodes . . .”

Of course, that probably wouldn’t make for a very good story, now would it?

shakes head

And so, we leave Damon in New Orleans to ponder his BIG DECISION.

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome Hybrid Kim and her Adequate Looking Henchman crash Elena’s party, despite the fact that they are vampires, who have never been invited inside the house.  I think it’s safe to say we’ve completely done away with this “rule” on this show, by now, right?

party crashers

“Hi neighbor!  We brought STEAKS . . . wait . . . did I say steaks?  I meant STAKES!”

Anywhoo, they kidnap Caroline  .  . . because, next to kidnapping Elena, that’s the Second favorite past time of villains on this show . . .

kidnapped

“If deja-vu happens multiple times, does it become deja-vu-vu-vu-vu?”

Also, well, they know it will royally piss off Tyler.  And you wouldn’t like Tyler when he is angry . . .

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Elena and Bonnie try to help, by growling, and making constipated faces, respectively.  But, alas,  it is to no avail.  Elena then calls Tyler for help.  And, wouldn’t you know it?  Tyler’s on Team Delena too!  (TAKE THAT CAROLINE!)  He tells her that sire bonds affect how you ACT,  not how you feel.

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And though I like that idea,  because it reaffirms that the love between Damon and Elena is real . . .

happy elena

. . . it does kind of seem like a fine line to me.  I mean, I imagine, for someone going through the siring process, it must be really hard to tell the difference between their thoughts and their actions, hence the Delena Dilemma . . .

Dominance and Submission

During what I suspect will go down in TVD history as the Great Hybrid Standoff of 2012, with Stefan and Damon MIA, Tyler and Elena are forced to split Hero Duty right down the middle.  For her part, Elena offers herself up to torture, instead of Caroline, claiming that the destruction of the Big Bad’s precious doppelganger will hurt him more than that of his teenybopper love interest.

take me

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To which, Caroline inevitably responds, “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!  Elena!  Elena!  Elena!”

lucky air

Just kidding, she’s thrilled to get a reprieve from having her ass kicked.  She gives Elena a hug, and suddenly all is right in the world between them . . . sort of.

As for Tyler, he literally gets a hold on Kim’s heart, and forces her to bend a knee.  Next thing we know, triumphant music is playing, and all the hybrids are on their knees.  (KINKY!)

stabb

all on knee

“Shhh.  We’re not really supporting Tyler.  We’re just sitting down, because Klaus always makes us stand around, looking fierce.  And our legs are tired.”

 It’s all very Game of Thrones to me.

game of thrones funny

In fact, a part of me keeps expecting the Khaleesi to pop out and start screaming about her precious dragons . . .

Later, Hayley pops by Professor Boo Radley’s casa, to tell him that ALL THE HYBRIDS are sire free, which means HOORAY Tyler doesn’t have to be one of the twelve dead ones.  And Boo Radley replies, “Haha, jokes on you.  Your parents are dead anyway.  So, I basically got you to work for free.”

eye roll

Then, he makes some offhand comment about Hayley still being able to SEE her parents.  And at first, I think he’s saying that, because he’s going to kill her.  But then I remember the Fro-Haired Prof blathering on about Silas “coming back from the dead,” a few weeks ago.  And now, I’m thinking Boo’s prophecy might be more literal than Hayley suspects . . .

Back in New Orleans, Damon tells Charlotte he’s “just not that into her,” so she should probably stop, you know counting bricks and stuff, and go get a life . . . or at least a more well-rounded undeath.

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After he returns home, Damon’s face bears the pained expression of someone who is, once again, being forced to do the “unselfish” thing, for the woman he loves.  He’s looking down the barrel of another eternity alone, and it kills him.  You can see it on his face.  He sees Elena, who’s all happiness and smiles, despite, you know, almost getting killed.  And, whereas earlier today the sight of her made him the happiest man on Earth, now he can barely look at her.

fighting for 2

But here’s a surprise.  For once, it’s Elena whose pulling Damon closer, as he tries to push her away, “for her own good.”  It’s Elena whose convincing Damon that they are RIGHT for eachother, RIGHT NOW.  It’s who knows about the sire bond.  And doesn’t care.  And it’s Elena, who cups her hand lovingly across Damon’s cheek, and asks rhetorically, does this feel wrong to you?”

feel wrong

And how does Damon respond?

Tune in next week to find out, Fangbangers!  Haha, sucks doesn’t it!

Perhaps, this little preview will make you feel better . . .

Until next time!

waves

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Serena Gets Screwed (But not in the way you might think.) – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Witches of Bushwick”

“Now, who’s the Craziest B*tch of Them All?  That Evil Raccoon Zombie’s got NOTHING ON ME!”

Well, that Juliet Sharp ended up being a Real Wackadoo, didn’t she?  Page Six scandals, phony makeout sessions, best friend frame-ups, and ill-timed text messages . . . those are all things that come with the territory, when you live on the Upper East Side.  Heck, that’s just another Day at the Office, for these folks!

  But DRUGGING and KIDNAPPING SOMEONE?  Now, that’s just EFFIN CRAZY!   That’s the stuff Lifetime movies are made of (or The Roommate, starring Leighton Meester).

That’s right, Serena.  The Triumverate of Evil is COMING.  And you can run, but you CAN’T HIDE!

While Serena tries to make her escape, perhaps, we should get started on the recap . . .

Serena’s Love Life = Ridiculously Complex Mathematical Equation

“Math is hard . . . but I am easy.

When the episode opens, we find Eric I-Never-Have-Any-Worthwhile-Storylines-and-am-Therefore Forced-to-do-Lame-Things-Like-Graphing-My-Sister’s-Lovelife van der Woodsen and his boyfriend doing precisely what you would expect any hot young gay couple to do, when they have a Big Mansion to themselves . . . drawing Venn Diagrams?

“Are you KIDDING ME with this?  This is what I’ve been reduced to?  Have you forgotten that I was once in a movie with ANGE-FRIGGIN-LINA JOLIE?”

“Yeah . . . I thought so . . .”

So, anyway, the boys are hoping that this little visual aid will help Serena choose a MAN.  Now, unfortunately, the GG producers didn’t really show us too much of the Diagram.  And yet, I’m willing to bet it looked something like this . . .

Now, before you start getting all mad at me, please realize that I am fully aware that not all of the people listed here were actually on the show.  I improvised a bit . . .

Speaking of visual aids, Lily comes home with another one.  SURPRISE, SURPRISE!  “Someone” has leaked the news of Serena’ little relationship with Professor Hotpants Colin to the media, and it somehow landed on Page Six.  (Talk about a slow news day!  Page Six clearly isn’t what it used to be!)

I’m simply posting this picture here, because I fear I will not have an excuse to use it again on this blog.  *Sigh*

To make matters worse, Dean I-Keep-Tabs-on-All-My-Students’-Sex-Lives-and-Repeatedly-Threaten-to-Expel-Them-for-Completely-Nonsensical-Reasons Reuther would like to talk with Lily and Serena about this most recent development.  Apparently, Dean Reuther is absolutely APPALLED by the notion that one of her students would have the nerve to *gasp* publicly makeout with a guy who taught class at Columbia for a few days.

The HORROR!

To further complicate matters, the Paparazzi have quickly grown tired of tracking the drunken escapades of Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, and would much rather stalk the Columbia campus, in hopes of finding one of its students FRENCH KISSING.  Unnerved by the “terrible press,” which will SURELY topple Columbia’s chances of besting Stanford in the U.S. News and World Report Rankings this year, the Dean not-so-subtly suggests that Serena withdraw from school.

But fear not, kiddies!  Mama Lily has come to the RESCUE!

Initially, Lily attempts to solve the Serena’s “The Dean Hates Her” Conundrum, by doing what she does best: throwing money at the problem.  “I’d be willing to give you an endowment, that could perhaps be used to build a moat around your school, to keep out those pesky papparazzi.”

“Golly, Gee, Serena’s Mom!  That’s a marvelous idea!  Can we throw in a Fire Breathing Dragon too?”  Dean Reuther inquires.

But alas, the “super moral” Dean Reuther cannot be bought.   She CAN, however, be blackmailed.  Lily wises implies that should Dean Reuther force Serena to withdraw from Columbia, Lily will publicly expose the “sexual harassment”  and “gender discrimination,” her daughter suffered at the hands of the school and its faculty.

Of course, the Dean has NOTHING to say, in response to that.  Well, played Mrs. van der Woodsen-Bass-Humphrey and, however, many other friggin last names you have!  Thanks to you, Serena will be able to stay at Columbia . . . at least, for the next 35 minutes or so.

3 Words, 8 Letters =Pure HEAVEN for Chair Fans!

This scene renders me SPEECHLESS.  Fortunately, however, it has the OPPOSITE effect on Chuck Bass . . .

Yes, boys and girls!  Chuck and Blair spend yet another episode wrapped in one another’s arms for almost the ENTIRE HOUR!  And I for one, couldn’t be happier, well . . . except for that scene at the end  . . .

When the episode opens, Chuck and Blair have finished another raucous session of LOOOOOOVE MAKING. 

Based on their post-coital discussion, we learn that Chuck is ONCE AGAIN interested in rehashing his fallback plotline of “The Empire Hotel Strikes Back.”  Meanwhile, Blair is repeating her fallback plotline of “I must sacrifice my values and happiness to join some lame organization that I think will make me richer and more powerful.”  This time, Blair’s snooty organization of choice is the HIGHLY creatively titled, Girls, Inc., run by that Bastion of Social Grace Herself, Anne “Wife of a Convict” Archibald.

(Note:  It has been brought to my attention that Girls, Inc. is an ACTUAL organization  — one that I am sure is lovely.  Please know that everything I say from here on in about “Girls, Inc,” refers to the fictional chapter of it portrayed in the show, and NOT the real organization.  No hate mail, please! :))

CHUCK:  “You know, B.  We should really invest in some more original plotlines.  Because this is like the fifth time I’ve tried to “Take Back the Empire” and the 87th time you’ve tried to join a Lame Self-Righteous Club for Women . . .”

BLAIR:  “I know C.  But at least the writers are FINALLY allowing us to sort of be together.  So, we really shouldn’t complain.  Otherwise, they might do something drastic, like make you screw that Raccoon Zombie again  . . .”

As part of his “Empire Hotel Strikes Back” campaign, Chuck decides to throw a Black and White Ball.  He and Blair make plans to have dinner together before the event.  And while they keep assuring eachother the dinner date is only a “friendly one,” the hungry looks in both of their eyes say differently.

In the first of two sets of parallel scenes, we see Blair talking with Bastion of Society / Wife of a Convict, Anne Archibald, about how the new face of Girls, Inc.  CANNOT, absolutely CANNOT fraternize with someone of questionable moral character, like Chuck Bass or Nate Archibald’s dad.  Blair, of course, assures Anne that she has no plans to fraternize with Chuck Bass or Nate Archibald’s dad.  At first, I thought Anne looked kind of shocked and frightened by Blair’s assurances . . . then I realized it was just the Botox talking.

Surprised Face Monkey can certainly relate to Anne’s predicament.

Meanwhile, P.R. Represenative from Hell (remember her from LAST SEASON?), K.C., is telling Chuck he has to go back to being the Hedonist Man Whore he has always been, if he wants to “Take Back the Empire.”  And, shocker of shockers, that means ditching “Sweet Innocent Blair.”

Had this been Season 1 or 2, we would have likely had to suffer through Chuck and Blair both suddenly being cold to one another, with each not telling the other one why.  Fortunately, our favorite couple seems to have actually grown up some since the start of the show.

And, in an INSANELY cute scene, during which both Chuck and Blair are talking on the phone to eachother, while wearing red robes, and getting pedicures, each admits to the other why the pair can no longer be seen together in public.

Chuck Bass is probably the only man on the planet who can make THIS look masculine and sexy . . .

You all know what this means, don’t you?  That’s right!  SUPER HOT SECRET SEX!

Clearly, the King and Queen of Scams, Chuck and Blair don’t even have to pause in undressing, before they’ve already derived a solution to their mutually difficult predicaments.  Chuck will convert his boring Black and White Ball, into a sensual and super naughty “Saints and Sinners” Masquerade Ball.  For her part, Blair will publicly denounce the Ball, to politically distance herself from Chuck, and show Bastion of Society / Wife of a Convict Anne Archibald that she can be just as “Innocent and Sweet” (read: “Stuck-up and Hypocritical”) as the LAST “Face of Girl’s Inc.,” namely, Anne Archibald, herself.

Every time I think I’ve seen the HOTTEST SEX SCENE Chair has to offer, they go and TOP IT FOR ME!  And this week was no exception.  Chuck’s and Blair’s scheming, while amorously massaging eachother’s skin, and ripping one another’s clothes off, is all KINDS OF HOT. 

But things REALLY get steamy, when the couple falls backward onto the bed, and a fully-aroused Chuck, in a moment of uninhibited passion, whispers breathlessly in Blair’s ear, “I love you.”

My sentiments exactly, Blair.

But, alas, we must leave our UNDENIABLY SEXY COUPLE, and head LOW DOWN into the dark depths of Brooklyn, were something EEEVVVVVILL is afoot . . .

Raccoon Zombie + Psycho Stalker + Dullnessa = The Triumverate of Evil (and some REALLY BAD HAIR)

JENNY:  So, we’ve come to get revenge on BLAIR, right?  Because for four seasons, I’ve been battling it out with BLAIR.

VANESSA:  Me too.  The few times, I’ve actually had my own plotline, it always had something to do with me fighting with BLAIR.

JULIET:  No, actually, we’re screwing over SERENA, today

JENNY and VANESSA:  ???????  Ummm . . . OK.  It’s not like we have anything better to do.

So, Jenny, Juliet, and Vanessa throw a little Pow Wow in Juliet’s room, to plan their BIG attack on Serena.  And I have to say, as much as I am a total NON FAN of these three, their “Revenge” Plot was pretty darn impressive.

JULIET:  “Did you hear that?  She actually said something nice about us.”

RACCOON ZOMBIE:  “I KNOW!  I think it’s because I stopped eating out of her trash cans . . .”

The plan begins with Vanessa reuniting The Ambiguously Gay Duo Best Friends, Dan and Nate.

DAN:  *sings*  “And we’re the two best friends that anybody could have . . . we’re the two best friends that anybody could have . . . and we’re going to do things . . . all the time together . . .”

 . . . who decide that, rather than fight over Serena, they will each take her out on a date, and, for lack of a better phrase, “Let the best man win.”

Because Jenny has switched the SIM card on Serena’s phone, but carried over her contact list, allowing Serena to make outgoing calls, but not incoming ones (and yet she STILL gets Gossip Girl Blasts . . . weird), Serena ends up standing up BOTH Dan and Nate on their respective dates.  And yet, because Dan and Nate have no balls sex with Serena is so mindblowing as to wipe out all mental reasoning in her male partners, rather than get mad, Dan and Nate inexplicably decide to give the “Love of Their Life” (at least, until next week) one more chance.

So, The Ambiguously Gay Duo these manly men corner Serena on the street, and tell her that she has until midnight to choose which “lucky dude” gets to be her Semi-Permanent Screw Buddy.

During the next phase of the plan, Jenny lets it slip to Mama Lily that Juliet is plotting to get vengeance on Serena.  So, Lily, of course, calls Juliet over for a meeting in order to pay her off try to straighten things out.  During the meeting, Juliet admits to leaking the Page 6 news, but alludes to their having been ANOTHER teacher-student incident involving Serena, back when she was in boarding school.  Juliet threatens to leak this information to Columbia.  So, of course, Lily pays for Juliet’s silence.

Wait . . . correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Juliet once mention that CRAZY BROTHER BEN was a teacher, before he landed himself in jail?

“That’s Professor Crazy Brother Ben to YOU!”

Is it possible that Ben taught at Serena’s boarding school, and something happened between them there that resulted in him being in jail, and brought about Psycho Stalker Juliet’s reign of terror on the Upper East Siders?

Don’t worry . . . it’s not a spoiler . . . just a conjecture.

Anywhoo . . . while shopping for a dress for the ball, Serena finds out that her mother has paid off Juliet.  Of course, Serena is WAY OFFENDED that her mom could POSSIBLY think SHE, of all people, would EVER sleep around with an older man.  She tells her mom, as much.

“Sleep around?  Moi?  NEVER!”

After getting a text message from Blair on Serena’s phone about Girls, Inc., Vanessa is instructed to send Serena’s resume to Anne Archibald, despite Serena having promised she would not apply for the position.  In a futile attempt to get us to like her character more, Vanessa appears mildly troubled by the EVIL TASK she is supposed to perform.

“I am mildly troubled by the Evil Task I am supposed to perform.”

And yet, after Juliet tells Vanessa what a LAME SUPER VILLAIN she is, and how the Raccoon Zombie is TOTALLY kicking her ass in terms of pure evilness, the Bohemian Brooklynite ends up sending the resume, anyway .  . .

In the final Pre-Party Phase of the “Bring Down Serena” plan of action, the Triumverate of Evil conveniently receive a Gossip Girl Blast showing the girls EXACTLY what Serena will be wearing to the Masquerade Ball . . .

Ummm . . . Serena?   You are on a public city street entering a CAB!  Is the mask really necessary?

“Take off your clothes, and get out your credit card,” demands Jenny of Juliet, upon reading the blast.

“Not to be nitpicky or anything.  But aren’t you supposed to pay ME for this sort of thing?”

Elsewhere in Town . . .

 . . . Blair is SO touched, when she learns that Chuck has arranged for the best chefs in New York City to cater for her “Denounce Chuck Bass” Meeting with the folks from Girls, Inc., that she dashes off to the party (wearing nothing but slinky red lingerie) to give him an impromptu screw thank you.

EVIL comes to the Saints and Sinners Ball . . .

Wearing a refreshingly minimal amount of eye makeup, Jenny (see, I will call her by her real name . . . for now) and Juliet arrive at the Masquerade Ball wearing hooded capes, underneath which, both are clad in . . . you guessed it . . . Serena’s dress . . .

A masked Juliet enters the party first, and uses the name of a not-yet-arrived Serena to gain admittance.  So, of course, when the REAL Serena arrives at the party, she is initially not allowed in by the Dumb Doorman, who CLEARLY doesn’t read Page Six! 

Unfortunately, for Serena, she only carries around her driver’s license when she’s “shopping for a car,” so, she has no immediate way of proving she is who she says she is.  It must be nice to be clearly underage, and yet NEVER get carded in New York City.  And yet, I’m willing to bet Serena will CHANGE her views on carrying identification AFTER the night she’s about to have . . .

(To be honest, I’m not really sure HOW Jenny got into the party.  I highly doubt Chuck would put her on the list, and Juliet already used Serena’s name.  It’s possible they explained this during the episode, but I totally missed it.)

So, of course, Evil Serena Doppelgangers, Juliet and Jenny, start wreaking havoc on Serena’s love life.  When one of them kisses Dan passionately on the mouth . . .

 . . . I worry, for a second, that it’s his SISTER, Jenny!

But then I realize it’s probably Juliet, and I calm down a bit.  I do, however, think Jenny (dressed as Serena) kisses Nate . . .

 . . . which is kind of ironic, especially considering that THIS EXACT SCENARIO, has happened between these two once before . . .

You’d think Nate would learn by now.  Then again, he’s not that bright . . .

(By the way, have you checked out the HAIR on these girls, in the above pictures?  Question: If YOU were attending a hot sexy masquerade ball, wouldn’t YOU think to . . . you know . . . run a comb through your mop, first?  Then again, Serena and her hairbrush have never exactly been “friends.”  So, perhaps, they were just playing the part . . .)

Going to Hell in a Handbag . . . and LOVING EVERY MINUTE

While Taylor Momsen’s band, “Pretty Reckless,” belts out “Make Me Wanna Die” in the background (a song, which I shudder to admit, I’ve grown to appreciate, ever since they used it in The Vampire Diaries’ Season Premiere Promo), Blair locates Chuck at the party, in a clandestine area, behind a rather large, conveniently-placed curtain. 

“If the words you said were true, I’d want to know,” says Blair, clearly referring to Chuck’s orgasmic “I love you,” from earlier in the episode.

“I meant it.  I meant it with all my heart,” replies Chuck.

The enchanted looks exchanged by these two, when Chuck finally admits his love for Blair are literally enough to take my breath away.  Kudos to Chuck for manning up  about his true feelings WAY quicker than I expected him to do so!  “Are you going to say something?”  Chuck asks, smiling slightly, but, perhaps, a bit nervous as well . . .

“I will . . . I do,” replies Blair.

“AWWWW YEAH!  She sooooooo LOVES ME!”

“We can’t have everything,” says Chuck, illustrating his willingness to give up his Bad Boy image for Blair.

Then, suddenly, someone, who looks suspiciously like Serena, emerges from the shadows.

Silently NotSerena yanks down the curtain, revealing Chuck and Blair to the crowd . . . well . . . at least revealing them to the people in the front row.  To everyone else, they probably just looked like ants . . .

Honestly, the initial reveal struck me as kind of ho hum.  After all, there could be any of a million ways in which savvy schemers like Chuck and Blair could have explained away their mere presence behind that curtain.  But then, count on Chuck and Blair to make an otherwise lame reveal TOTALLY AWESOME!

“Let’s go down in flames together,” says Chuck to a beaming Blair, as he pulls her in for a deep passionate kiss . . .

Now THIS is something that cannot be explained away to a watching crowd . . .

And apparently, Chuck’s party has the WORST GUARDED guest list in town, because who shows up to conveniently witness the whole Makeout Session, but Bastion of Society / Wife of a Convict Anne Archibald.

And Anne has plenty to say about how Blair has RUINED her chances of being a Girls, Inc. girl, by publicly making out with Chuck.  Apparently, the “modern-thinking” Anne believes that women are a reflection of the men they are with.  And I agree.  Anne Archibald is definitely a reflection of Nate’s Convict Dad! 

Before stalking off in a dramatic Botox-infused huff, Anne tells Blair to tell Serena that she’s not Girls, Inc. material either.  (Yeah, way to be professional Anne!  Have one candidate reject another candidate for you, at a SAINTS AND SINNERS PARTY!) 

Now, of course, Blair assumes that Serena exposed her and Chuck, so that she would have a leg up on Blair in being the next Girls, Inc. girl.  And Blair is PISSED!  In fact, she is SO PISSED that she may very well throw Serena in that fountain again . . .

Meanwhile, Chuck’s P.R. Gal, K.C., surprisingly, is THRILLED with how well the public has responded to Chuck’s recent dalliance with Blair.  She claims it provides a good contrast to the SUPER HEDONIST persona Chuck exhibited during the party, by giving him heart.  “Maybe we can have everything,” says Chuck.

“I can’t,” pouts Blair.

Outside the party, Chuck tells Blair that he wants to build a future with her.  Blair wistfully replies that, for now, she needs to follow her heart.  “I have to be Blair, before I can be Chuck Bass’ girlfriend,” she insists.

Given all that these two have been through in the past few weeks, the above exchange was incredibly sad, and more than a bit depressing.  And yet, the conlusion of the scene leaves us with hope for this star-crossed couple. 

“I love you,” says Chuck.

“I love you too,” says Blair.  “I don’t expect you to wait.”

“When two people are meant to be together, they eventually find their way back,” answers Chuck.

“Do you really believe that?”  Blair asks.

“I do,” answers Chuck.

“Me too,” says Blair, smiling sadly, as she chastely touches her fingers to his lips, before exiting stage left.

You know what?  I think these two are going to be OK!

But you know who might NOT be OK?

Serena’s Up Sh*t’s Creek, without a Paddle

Our girl Serena is having a VERY BAD NIGHT.  First she got reamed out by Blair.  Then she got dumped by BOTH Nate and Dan, who left the party together to have sex play video games.  To top it off, Psycho Stalker Juliet, unbeknownst to EVEN Jenny and Vanessa, roofied Serena’s mask, and carried the poor girl, (who promptly passed out) into a limo, which she rode back to her place. 

Did I mention Juliet TEXTED the Dean, as Serena ,to tell her that Serena had WITHDRAWN from Columbia.  Yeah . . . I said TEXTED.  Because, apparently, permanent exit from a prestigious Ivy League school is just a few cell phone button pushes away . . .

Ridiculousness of the whole “Drop Out by Text” Thing aside, I’m actually really worried about our girl, Serena.  Because that Juliet is clearly WAY more disturbed than any of us originally suspected . . .

Man, this show is getting good . .  .

XOXO

[www.juliekushner.com]

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