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Animal Magnetism (and How it Can Help Get You Laid) – A Recap of True Blood’s “I Wish I Was the Moon”

I’ll have what SHE’S having . . . 

Wooh!  Well, hello, Fangbangers!  Have you cooled off yet from this week’s episode of True Blood?  Or are you still howling at the moon, and rolling in the dirt?

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Well then, hold on to your face (and your butt), and please, try not to shapeshift in the house!  Because it’s time for your weekly True Blood recap . . .

(By the way, special thanks to Skarsgardfans.com for all the awesome screencaps you see here, unless otherwise sourced.)

Sorry, Vampire Beeeell!  You’ve been replaced!

“Dearest, Eric!  Don’t forsake me!  I want you in my ass  mouth dominion.”

Poor King Beel!  He may own the crown, and the keys to the fine State of Louisiana.  But Vampire Eric possesses keys that are MUCH more valuable.  Of course, I’m referring to the keys to Sookie’s legs  panties heart.

“Open SESAME, SOOKEHHHHH!  I’m GOING IN!” 

When we last left our lovers, Amnesia Eric and Sookie were making out a few steps from her porch.  This week, they’ve managed the always- challenging feet of tonguing and fondling one another, while walking backwards, climbing steps, AND removing extraneous items of clothing. (Don’t let TV and films fool you!  This sh*t is HARD to do!  And, more often than not, it involves someone falling on his or her ass.)

ERIC:  “Woah!  Was this couch always here?  Because I could have sworn it wasn’t always this conveniently close to the door.” 

SOOKIE: “Just shut up, and continue humping me, please . . . I peeked at this week’s promos.  Apparently, we don’t have much time until the Cockblock comes, and I’ll be damned if I don’t get to have AT LEAST one ‘O’ before he arrives.

Fortunately, Sookie gets her wish . . .

“Thank you, LORD!  I’ve been waiting four years for THIS!” 

Enter King Cockblock . . .

*insert Depressing Death March Music here* 

“SOOOKEEEEEEHHHH!”  King Cockblock shouts.

Perhaps, he assumes Sookie’s moans of pleasure, are really cries of pain, in disguise!  Nah . . . he’s just a douche.

Then, THIS happens . . .

 . . . and THIS . . .

So, of course, my inner fangirl starts doing THIS . . .

“KILL HIM, ERIC!  You STAKE that King Cockblock!  Stake him GOOD!”

There is an interesting moment, where Eric stands poised with his big ole fire poker over Beeeel’s heart, and demands that Sookie tell him who exactly this creeper is to HER.

 Sookie hesitates for a moment.  The words “ex boyfriend,” “cemetery f*&ker,” “almost blood drainer,” and “master betrayer” undoubtedly run through her brain, before she decides on “He’s YOUR KING,” which , if you think about it, is not exactly responsive to his question.  Nevertheless, Sookie’s answer affects Eric deeply.

“You mean this little twerp is my KING?  What kind of a f*&ked up State is this?” 

“I’m SO moving to New York.”

Even the typically boring stoic Bill is taken aback, when Amnesia Eric drops his fire poker to the ground, falls to his knees, and says, without a hint of irony or sarcasm in his voice, “Forgive me, my liege!”

“When did this show suddenly become Game of Thrones?” 

At some point during the credits, both Sookie and Amnesia Eric manage to put on some clothing.  (All together now: “BOOOOOOO!”)  Now, Bill has his Swat Team minions handcuff Eric (with SILVER, of course . . . BASTARD), and take him away.

Sookie, of course, starts whining and carrying on like it’s her job (BECAUSE, BASICALLY IT IS!), which normally annoys the heck out of me.  However, this time, I’m totally on her side, because she’s whining for a VERY Good Cause  . . . the Continuation of Seric Sex.  Her first argument is that, since Beeelll is not HER king, he can’t just go barging into her house, and taking her nearly seven-foot tall Viking Vampire Vibrator!  Then again, technically this is Amnesia Eric’s house now . . . so, YES, he can.

Sookie – 0; King Cockblock – 1

But Sookie gains back the lead, by seeing Bill’s holier-than-thou “Respect my AUTHORITAYYYY” “I’m really doing this for your own good” explanation for Eric’s arrest as exactly what it is: Jealous Ex-Boyfriend Bullcrap.

“Hey. why don’t you just go back to screwing your great great great great granddaughter and leave me alone!” 

First Bill argues that Eric is a danger to himself and other’s because he is under the influence of a necromancer . . . It may sound kinky.  But don’t let those big fancy words fool you.  He’s REALLY just talking about THIS chick  . . .

“Don’t you worry, Witchiepoo!  A little Visine will clear that RIGHT UP!”

Bill then COMPLETELY contradicts himself, by asserting, alternatively, that Eric is NOT under the influence of a necroblahblahblah Marnie, a.k.a. Witchiepoo, but is actually FAKING his Amnesia to get into Sookie’s pants! (Come on . . . admit it, this would be a BRILLIANT idea, if it were actually true.)

“Ooh!  Would you guys please remind me to try that one on Elena, next season?”

“Well, WHICH is it, Asshat?”  Inquiring Sookies want to know. . .

Sookehhhhh – 2; Beeeeeelll  – 1

 Sookie then blatantly calls Bill out on being jealous, and not being able to cope with the fact that she moved on, despite the fact that HE has been sticking his fangs into every single relative that comes his way.

Sookie – 5, Douchey – 1

“Believe it or not, my existence does not revolve around what or WHO is between your legs,” Bill retorts . . .

OK . . . now, even I have to admit . . . that was pretty darn funny . .

Sookie – 5, That vampire Stephen Moyer plays on True Blood – 2

SOOKIE: “So, you buy my house, and you think my legs are going to magically pop open for you?” (ANSWER- YES!)

ERIC: “Hi King Bill, my name is Eric Northman. I am both the WHAT and the WHO between Sookie’s legs. 

Sookie then pleads for Bill’s leniency, and refuses to leave without her Amnesia Eric.  This wasn’t exactly a witty retort.  However, Sookie gets a point for this, just because it shows how much she loves Amnesia Eric, which pleases my Seric-loving heart to no end.

Sookie -6, Grandkid f*&ker -2

But then, Bill takes Eric away ANYWAY, and instructs his minions to throw Sookie out as a trespasser, if she ever comes on his property again.

Uh oh . .  .

Sookie – 6, Bill (the CHEATER!) – 2072.

GAME OVER, SOOKIE . . . at least, FOR NOW . . .

Smells Like Death (Tastes Like Chicken)

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You know, for the last two weeks, I couldn’t even look at poor Face Off Pam, because she was so hideous looking, that she made me want to vomit.  But Near-Death, Face Off Pam is oddly adorable, with her peekaboo blanket, and Kewpie Doll Eyes.  Thanks Alan Ball, for letting me hang on to my dinner this week . . .

Eric is chilling in Ye Olde Jailhouse of Vampire Bill (where, at this rate, HALF the cast will be residing, by season’s end).  However, as it turns out, he’s not alone.  His progency, Face Off Pam is there too.

You know, seeing this, I couldn’t help but wonder how DUMB King Bill is, to think that it wouldn’t be the LEAST bit risky to put two allies, who are BOTH arguably under a necroblahblahblahs influence, in the same cell together.  I mean, that’s just ASKING for trouble, don’t you think?

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Pam thinks so too, which is why she quickly reveals herself as the stench of death that Amnesia Eric smells.  You can see a bit of Eric’s old “father-daughter” connection with Pam, when he compels her to remove her security blanket from her face.  He then, sadly, gently asks her whether she is afraid.

Perhaps, it is Eric’s indication that he still cares for Pam, that prompts her to try to get him to remember who he truly IS.  Hint:  He’s NOT someone who would EVER bow down to a self-loathing, power hungry, pompous dork, like Bill Compton.  (Her words.  . . not mine.)

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Unfortunately, for Pam, Amnesia Eric has decided (for now, at least) that he no longer wants to remember his old life, and that the eating, screwing and laughing Viking Vampire he used to be is no longer (unless he’s eating, screwing and laughing with SOOKIE, of course).

Denial Ain’t A River in Egypt (It’s a Stick up King Cockblock’s ASS)

Hello, my name is Nan Flanaghan.  My facial expression hasn’t changed in 1,000 years.  Who needs Botox, when you have Bloodbox?” 

When the alarm on Bill’s balls rings, he logs in to his daily Skype session with the woman who has those twins in a vice grip.  Desperately seeking a pat on the forehead or a doggie treat, Bill tells Nan that he has the necromaniboobla and Eric in his custody.

“Please tell me I’m a Good Boy, and validate my continued existence on this Earth.” 

Nan boredly asks what King Cockblock would like to do about this little “situation.”  In response, Bill (SURPRISE!) recommends that AmnesiaEric be given the True Death (AND NOT WITCHIEPOO?  Does that make sense to anyone else?) because ERIC is having hot glorious sex with Sookie under the witch’s power, and is, therefore a way better lover than BEEELL could ever be a “danger to himself and others.”  Nan agrees to “look” into it, and reminds Bill that he has a “tolerance meeting” coming up.  Riiiiight, because Mr. Kill Now, Ask Questions Later, is just the epitome of “tolerant.”

In Cockblock’s defense, he looks like he feels guilty about sentencing Eric to the True Death . . . for about two seconds . . . but then he gets over it, because, apparently guilt isn’t “Kingly”  Who knew?

Someone Buy Evil Baby a Cabbage Patch doll, or something . . . please?


Because that Ugly Ass Doll has just GOT to go!

When we last left Arlene and Terry, things were really heating up between them.  Unfortunately, I mean that literally . . .

The not-too-swift couple awakens to find their house bursting into flames.  Terry rushes to collect the other children and his pet Armadillo, while Arlene searches the house frantically for her suddenly FAVORITE son (even though she was deathly afraid of and hated him for the past four episodes).  The family rushes to the safety of the street, just about two seconds ,before the entire interior of the house literally goes up in smoke!

Arlene is now wailing hysterically, because she never found Evil Baby, and now he is probably Barbecue Baby.  But wait!  He’s OUTSIDE.  In fact, he’s been there since right before the fire started . . . almost as if SOMEONE came and got him out of there, personally.  Could it be the weird ghost lady seen waving at Evil Baby toward the end of the scene?  Quite possibly . . .

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But, hey, as long as the baby armadillo is OK, than I’m OK!

In other news, Andy Bellefleur thinks Sam is a slumlord, because people keep getting shot up, possessed, and burned up in the apartments he rents out.  I’m inclined to agree.  (Just don’t eat my face for it, Sam. Mmm-kay?)

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Speaking of Andy, being a V addict has apparently done WONDERS for his sex life!  Here’s Holly, who JUST HAD HER HOUSE, more or less, burnt to a crisp, and Andy STILL MANAGES to score a date with her!  How’s that for class?

“If he can lift that couch, imagine what he could do with me?” 

And, to think, SHE’S not even a relative of his . .  . PORTIA!

Tommy Merlotte – A New Kind of Cockblock . . .

There are SO many ways to misread this picture . . . 

They say you can never truly know a person, until you have walked a mile in his shoes.  Well, I would venture to guess that the same general concept applies to his skin.  It all starts when Sam calls Tommy  — who is still reeling from MURDERING BOTH OF HIS PARENTS and feeding them to the alligators along with some marshmallows . . .

He then asks his baby brother to open the bar on his behalf.  This results in Tommy Boy having what I like to refer to as a “Man in the Mirror” Moment.  That cliched scene, you see in many TV shows and films in which someone LITERALLY looks in the mirror, and DOESN’T like what they see.  But, fear not Fangbangers, this, otherwise dull Man-in-The-Mirror Moment comes with a bit of a twist


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That’s right, boys and girls!  We guessed correctly.  Having killed his Ma and Pa, Tommy is now, for better or worse, a skinwalker, and his first shift, is into SAM.

Kudos to Sam Trammell for pulling off “Tommy/Sam” with aplomb, this week If you didn’t always get such lame storylines, I’d probably like your character a lot more.  Though “Tommy/Sam” looks exactly like Sam, he is actually VERY different in that:

(1) he walks like he perpetually has a poop in his pants;

(2) he hits on the female bar patrons, like it’s his job;

(3) and . . . oh yeah . . . he is a TOTAL douchebag (Well . . . Sam is too sometimes, I guess, but Tommy/Sam is way worse.)

Tommy/Sam started off his day, by telling a tearful Sookie that, NO, she can’t take off YET ANOTHER day of work to go hunting for Sex Toy Eric Northman.  Why?  You ask?  Well, she pretty much ALWAYS takes off from work, and gets away with it . . .  because she  is Sookie.  And Sookie smells like “Sunshine in a pretty blonde bottle.”

“Don’t you at least want to sniff my butt before I go?”

The funny thing is that as AWFUL Tommy is to go behind Sam’s back and fire his favorite employee who he is secretly in love with, Tommy/Sam kind of had a point.  I mean, think about it, Sookie spent the entire Second Season in Dallas, and the entire THIRD Season in Mississippi.  Then she spent a YEAR hanging with the fairies.  Don’t you think her vacation time should be finished by now?

Though Sookie is certainly not doing it intentionally, I think Tommy is right in assuming that the blonde fairy princess takes advantage of Sam, by using his obvious attraction to her to get what she wants.

Other people Tommy/Sam manipulated this week include:

(1) Jessica, who he promoted from hostess to waitress (Well . . . that was kind of a nice thing to do, but still);

Tommy always did have a bit of a hard-on for her. 

(3) Maxine, who told him what she REALLY thought of Tommy Boy (Hint:  He’s dumber than a box of rocks, and not quite as kind); and

Hint: Not much . . . 

(4) Luna who .  . . well .  . .  he engaged in some VERY awkward sex with, only to VIOLENTLY kick her out of the house, the following morning, so she wouldn’t see him change from Tommy/Sam into just plain old Tommy.  (Now THAT was just wrong.)

You know, of all people, you would think that Luna, a skinwalker herself, would catch on to EXACTLY what Tommy /Sam was trying to do!  But, NOPE!  It was just a bit more mindless sex for her with the guy wearing Sam’s skin . . .

After the whole ordeal is over, Tommy shifts BACK into his own body, retching disgustingly in the sink, before he  falls to the ground, unconscious.  He’s still laying there like THAT, when Sam finally comes home to find him.  I’d say there’s a chance he might not wake up, but that would be REALLY naive of me.  We just aren’t that lucky.

Speaking of altered states . . .

It’s the Great Brujo, Charlie Brown . . .

“I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your creepy goat killer’s shack down . . .” 

Grandpa Goatlicker is pretty obviously still pissed at Jesus, for escaping his evil clutches at age seven or so.  So, to get revenge, he forces the poor twenty something and his boyfriend to wait in the bushes for their horse drawn carriage to come, and rescue them Cinderella-style spirit animal to meander on over, and request to be murdered “for a good cause.”

The whole exchange between Laffy and Jesus in the woods kind of reminds me of It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown children’s special . . .

Jesus is Linus, the staunch believer, even in the face of Laffy (Charlie Brown’s) sincerely doubting voice.  But just when you’ve started to write of Grandpa Ghostlicker as a sociopathic wackadoo, a poisonous snake arrives at Jesus’ feet, ripe and ready to croak.

And croak he does .  . . until Grandpa Goat Licker brings it back to life, and instructs it to issue a deadly poisonous bite to his own grandson.

I’m not entirely sure how Grandpa GoatLicker knows this.  However, he somehow seems to sense that Laffy is a  gateway to the dead.  (DAMMIT!  Are there NO humans left on this show?)  So, not long after Jesus starts to lose consciousness, Laffy starts speaking in Spanish, and harnessing the power of an old dead relative of Jesus’ to bring him back to life.

Interesting . . .

Of course, as we know, Laffy isn’t the only witch with the power to get possessed by dead people (which, when you think about it, is actually a pretty lame “magical power.”)  Witchiepoo’s got “the gift” as well . . .

Witchiepoo . . . I SEE YOU!

“You know, before I got this part, I auditioned for the role of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?  Wanna see?  Hiiiiiyaaah!” 

So, we’ve got Witchiepoo all sad and locked up in her little Beel-created prison.  She’s crying to her inner witch goddess to help her out ONCE AGAIN.  (Geez!  Talk about a NAG!)  So, we are treated to a few more of those truly disturbing flashbacks in which INNER witch is raped and tortured by vampires, and Witchiepoo is forced to watch.

That’s when it happens.  Witchiepoo slits her wrist, asks INNER witch to USE HER to accomplish her goals.  And POOOF!   INTO Witchiepoo’s mouth Inner Witch goes!

OPEN WIDE, Witchiepoo!  Here comes the choo-choo train!

We learn from the flashbacks that INNER witch and her coven were able to control a whole slew of raping and torturing vampires, causing them to SEEMINGLY willingly walk into the sun and burn to death, while the public watched in horror.  Now, I suspect, the same thing is going to happen to Mr. Clean the Vampire Sheriff .  . .


Admittedly, Mr. Clean was not so MISTER CLEAN, back when he gleefully raped and repeatedly bit Inner Witch a long time ago.  And NOW, it looks like Mr. Clean is about to become Mr. Definitely Dead, when he dazedly enters the lions den of the newly-possessed Witchiepoo’s cage and falls to his knees with a petrified, but dazed, look on his face.

Witchiepoo stares down at Mr. Clean with a haughty look on her face, “Ya little f*&k,” she calls him.

Little f*&k, indeed . . .

Nice knowing ya, Mr. Clean . . . (Well . . . not really nice, but whatever . . .)

Night of the Living Werepanther?

“Why do I always seem to wind up like THIS?” 

Poor Jason Stackhouse!  Kidnapped raped, and defiled by crazy inbred werepanthers, left to die on the side of the road, and forced to endure strange sex dreams about his best friend’s girlfriend AND his best friend . . .

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No wonder he’s hiding out in his room, chained to a bedpost . . . wait . . . huh?

Well, it’s taken a few episodes, but Sookie finally seems to remember that she has a brother, and that he hasn’t been around, recently . . .

So,  off she rushes to Jason’s bedside, where she finds him cuffed to the bed.  Of course, her first inquiry is, “Is this a SEX thing?”

Which it isn’t . . .  for once.

In fact, this is a decidedly NON-Sex thing.  Jason has merely decided to take certain precautions, just in case his inner inbred werepanther should decide to make an appearance, due to the Full Moon.  He’d prefer not to eat his friends and family, thank you very much.  “I ain’t never going to forgive myself, if I bite your head off,” offers Jason sweetly.  (Now, that’s BROTHERLY LOVE!)

“But once you turned, wouldn’t the cuffs just fall off?”  Sookie wonders, quite rationally.

Oops . . . it looks like someone is going to have to re-read Werepanthers for Dummies again . . .

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Eventually, Sookie uncuffs Jason and convinces him to go ouside and share a beer with her.  You know, with all the craziness going on in this show, it’s been a while since we’ve been treated to a quiet brother / sister moment.  We get a nice one here, when Jason asks Sookie to shoot him in the head, if he starts sprouting fur.  (I’M SERIOUS!  It was a sweet moment, OK!)

“Uh-uh!”  Sookie says.  “That was not part of the deal.”

“But you PROMMISSSSED!”  Jason whines, in his best petulant five-year old voice.

“I said I’d take care of you.”

“What did you think I meant by that, change my kitty litter?”  Jason exclaims . . .

“Please, don’t let Sookie change my kitty litter!  She’ll go off and have sex with Eric, and forget to do it.” 

Sookie, who knows full well, what it’s like to be a supernatural freak, tells Jason that he can’t run from who is, and that he should embrace his inner werepanther, if that’s what he ends up being.    Girlfriend’s like a Supernatural Dr. PHIL!

Eventually, Sookie leaves the porch to go get another beer.  But when she returns, Jason is GONE!

But don’t you worry about Jason, kiddies!  He’s in good hands . . . specifically, the hands of the women who fed him his blood, and can now FEEL HIS FEELINGS . . .

Yes, I suspect she can feel THOSE feelings too! 

Jessica is working at Merlotte’s, when she FEELS Jason . . . um, well, she feels HIS FEAR I should say we’ll save the more fun stuff for later!, and decides to go outside, and comfort him . . .

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When Jason admits to Jessica that this might be the night of his first werepanther turning, the baby vampire, remembering HER first night turning into a supernatural creature, decides to spend the night with him, so that he doesn’t have to endure his transformation alone.  *insert porn music here*

So, of COURSE, you all know what MY TVD brain was thinking about, don’t you?

That’s right, boys and girls!  Here, we have yet another reason why Caroline Forbes and Baby Vamp Jessica are kindred spirits, who, unfortunately, may never meet except in the context my fanfiction, of course . . .

I have to say, I adored the sweetness and innocence of the way Jason and Jessica related to one another.  As Jason said, he’s not exactly someone known for his IMPULSE control . . .

And the fact that Jason chooses Jessica’s boobs as his “happy place,” while she comforts him through his panic attack, certainly does not bode well for his ability to remain loyal to his best friend for the long haul.  But for now, Jason and Jessica are simply two individuals, who are chastely trying to put aside their romantic feelings for one another, in order to protect the heart of someone they both care about VERY deeply . . .

Well . . . maybe not THAT deeply. 

Given what he has been through, and their innate connection, Jessica finds herself able to relate and confide in Jason, in ways she can’t with Hoyt, who always seems so squeamish about the whole Vampire Thing.  “It’s exciting,” admits Jessica of her newly vampire status, a dreamy look in her eyes.  “I am fast, and strong.   I can smell and taste things that I never smelled and tasted before.  My world used to be small.  But now it is endless.”

Together Jessica and Sookie have been so very good at selling Jason on this whole Supernatural thing, that by the time the end of the night comes, he’s actually disappointed that he DIDN’T change into a werepanther.  “Why did Sookie get all the special?”  He pouts adorably.

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“How could YOU not think you are special?”  Jessica wonders out loud.  “You have the virility of a wild animal, and the body of an Adonis.  I would very much like to f*&k you right now for hours and hours on end.” 

Well, how could Jason not be turned on by an admission like that?   Sitting close to one another, in the moonlight, limbs touching, faces inches a part, there comes the inevitable moment in which Jason and Jessica almost kiss.  But it’s Jason, Mr. No Impulse Control, himself who breaks the spell, all for the love of a good man named Hoyt.

The two fumble their goodbyes, giving eachother friendly shoulder pounds, and vowing not to tell their friend about THIS.

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But, honestly, when people this attractive are mutually attracted to one another, it’s really only a matter of time before the BONING starts . . .

Sorry, Hoyt!  Sometimes the truth hurts . . . 

We come now to two stories, I honestly don’t care all that much about . . .

Meet Tara Thornton and Packmaster Marcus . . . again . . .zzzzzzzzz . . . OMG SERIC SEX, YESSSSS!

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There’s nothing like a heaping helping of Hot Hate Sex to really start an evening out right . . .

Last week, Tara’s new girlfriend discovered that Tara’s name is not Toni, and that she doesn’t hail from Georgia.  So, Guest Star travels down to Bon Temps all the way from New Orleans, to give her a piece of her mind.  Except .  . . she ends up giving her a piece of . . . um . . . well . . .  something else.

In between screw and necking sessions, Tara gives her girlfriend the full Bon Temps tour, complete with a trip to Merlotte’s and .  . . the parking lot at Merlotte’s.  Tara’s girl seems surprisingly OK with the whole “the woman you love has been lying to you about EVERYTHING for six-months thing.”  So, I guess the sex must be REALLY good.  However, before the “Happy Couple” can broach the issue of whether Tara will return to New Orleans, Faceoff Pam materializes.  And she . . . is . . . PISSED!

Be afraid Special Guest Star!  Be VERY afraid! 

Blah, blah, blah, Debbie needs a new were-pack to stay sober in Bon Temps  . . .

 Debbie Downer and Packmaster Greasypoo

blah, blah, blah Alcide is whipped, and decides to attend the new pack meeting, against his better judgment . . .

 Your storyline may be SUPER boring this season, Alcide.  But you still look DAMN sexy, when you are angry!

On the way to their pack meeting, Debbie Downer and Alicide run into a Gun-Toting, One-Woman Search Party for Jason, Sookie, who pisses them off, (but mostly just Debbie Downer) by comparing them to those slimy rape-loving werepanthers.

“Hey, if the fur fits . . .” 

To Sookie’s relief, Alcide informs her that, NO, to his knowledge a human cannot get turned into a werepanther, simply by being bitten.  Thrilled, Sookie dashes back through the forest, as a hungry-eyed Alcide watches her, undoubtedly wishing that the two of hem could engage in SHOOTING of an entirely different sort.  Debbie notices the bedroom eyes on her boyfriend, and is CLEARLY not amused . . .

“I’ll get you my HUNKY . . . and your little FAIRY too!”

Still screaming her lungs out in her trademark nails on chalkboard voice for Jason,  Sookie encounters another man in the forest . . .

“I’m baacccck!” 

BUT WAIT!  HOW DID MY LOVERBOY REMOVE HIMSELF FROM THE CLUTCHES OF EVIL BILL?  Let’s backtrack a moment . . .

“I was born the night she found me.”

Back at King Cockblock’s Castle, Beeel’s goons bring out a very-docile Amnesia Eric, who is ready and accepting of the King’s decision to give him the true death.  “From what I’ve been told, I was a barbarian thug, who never respected your authority . . . He is a stranger to me.  I have nothing to say in his defense.”

Once again, Bill is taken back by Amnesia Eric’s calm acceptance of what is about to happen to him.  So, taken aback, in fact, that he allows Amnesia Eric to make two last requests. (1) “Release Pam, at the rate she is decomposing, she can no longer be any threat to you.” AND . . . here’s the big one.

(2) “Tell Sookie I was born the night that she found me, and because of her, I went to the True Death, knowing what it means to love.”

All together now, AWWWW!

Bill of course, is nauseated by this oddly sentimental showing of affection for his ex, by his sworn enemy, at least until Eric bangs him on the head with this . . . “[Sookie] still cares for you.  After I am gone, I hope you two will find your way back to eachother . . . because she deserves happiness from whoever can give it to her.”

Well, that did it . .  . cue the water works!  The last thing we see, is a very mopey-faced Bill preparing to bring his fancy schmancy stake down on Amnesia Eric’s head.

But THEN we cut to THIS . . .

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WOOHOO!  YIPPPEEE!  YEEHAW!

Well, well, well . . . look who went and grew a soul!

I never thought I’d say this, but THANK YOU BILL!  Thank you for giving us Fangbangers the gift of Seric Sex!  Feel free to go lay as many ancestors as you’d like now!  I promise I won’t judge . . . much.

See you next week, Fangbangers!

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Kick off 2011 right, with these 10 Sexy Chuck & Blair Moments from Gossip Girl’s Fourth Season!

Happy New Year, Gossip Girl fans (and, perhaps, more importantly, Chair fans)! 2011 is a brand new year for us fangirls and television lovers!  And just because our favorite shows are still in Hibernation Mode, doesn’t mean we have to be!  So, rather than nursing our hangovers, and moping about how another year has gone by, I thought it might be nice to spend the first day of the new year with our favorite pair of Upper East Siders . . .

That’s right, boys and girls!  It’s Chuck and Blair day, here at TV Recappers Anonymous.  And have I got some smoking hot Chair Moments for YOU!

What follows are my picks for the Top Ten Chuck and Blair moments from the first half of Gossip Girl’s Fourth Season . . .

(Note:  As always, many of these video clips have not been properly embedded, due to CW copyright restrictions.  But you can view them ALL, in their Sexy CB Glory, by simply clicking on the internal links. ;))

10. Chuck sniffs Blair’s “Pie”

 Episode: 4 x 05 – “Goodbye, Columbia”

Setting the Scene:   Chuck has just declared war on Blair, once again.  This time, the breach of peace is Much Ado about Eva, Chuck’s Hooker in Peasant’s Clothing, Ex-Girlfriend.  Blair sent her snoozy temporary replacement packing, with the help of a few carefully placed rumors, and an unmatched ability to plant seeds of doubt in Chuck’s head, as to his Sweet Tart’s supposed “virtue.”  Since Chuck and academics are like oil and water, Blair mistakenly believes that she will be able to protect herself from battle, by hiding out on campus at Columbia University, where she is currently matriculating.  But Chuck has other ideas . . .

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK:  “Mmmmm . . . I almost forgot how much I used to enjoy your pie.”

GOSSIP GIRL:  “Better batten down the hatches, B.  It looks like your Island in the Storm was just hit by a Bass 5 Hurricane.”

Why it Made the List:  Nothing turns Chuck and Blair on more than a good-old fashioned War of Wits.  And this most recent war between Chuck and Blair was no exception.  Observe the way Chuck’s and Blair’s breathing quickens, when they come within a few feet of one another, how their eyes dilate, and the way they repeatedly look at each others’ lips, as they banter with one another.  These are textbook signs of sexual attraction. 

Let’s not forget the extremely lewd and naughty way, Chuck “sniffs” Blair’s pie.  It doesn’t take Freud to figure out what part of the female anatomy that pie represents, or what it means for Chuck’s nose to be in it!  In addition to being a sexually significant food in general, pie is a highly symbolic dessert to Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship, in particular. 

For Blair, food is an indulgence, one that is directly tied to sexual attraction.  Later on in the season, we see Blair attempting to combat her romantic feelings for Chuck, by compulsively scarfing down macaroons.  Even later in the season, Blair sends Chuck a pie, to symbolize their continued “friendship” with one another, in spite of a recent breakup. 

But food also plays a darker role in Blair’s life.  A long-time sufferer of bulimia, pie represents Blair’s struggles with her body image, and sense of self.  For Blair, Chuck is like pie.  He is seductive, delicious, and makes her hungry for more.   But he is also dangerous, and potentially hazardous to her health.  And just like with that decadent dessert, once Blair starts induling in Chuck, she often can’t stop . . .

9.  The Peace Treaty

 Episode: 4 x 07 – “War at the Roses”

Setting the Scene:   A few surprisingly eloquent words of warning from Raccoon Zombie Jenny, in the previous episode, caused Chuck and Blair to rethink the mutually destructive nature of the war they had waged against one another.  As a result, at the end of that episode, Chuck and Blair informally agreed to a “truce,” via a late night handshake (more on that later).  But Chuck’s and Blair’s friends, Nate and Serena, know that a mere handshake is not enough to put out the wildfires perpetually raging between these two soulmates.  And so, Nate and Serena stage an intervention of sorts, and attempt to broker a formalized peace treaty between the warring factions.

Potent Quotables:

NATE:  “Sooner or later, one of you is going to press the other’s button.  And we are going to end up with nothing but cockroaches.”

CHUCK:  “I have no objection to order in the kingdom.   Let the negotiations begin.”

And much, much later . . .

BLAIR:  “Actually, there is one more point I want to negotiate . . . in private.  Attorneys are dismissed.”

Why it Made the List:  For what was supposed to be a “serious” negotation of a formalized legal agreement, this meeting between Chuck and Blair was pretty darn funny.  Kudos to all parties involved, for not breaking into hysterical laughter, or even smirking, as Chuck and Blair discussed which of them was entitled to attend fashion week in Paris, who had access to which strip clubs, and whether Chuck was allowed bed the hostesses at local restaurants that Blair frequented.

All kidding aside, however, this peace treaty showcased some SERIOUSLY sexually tense moments between Chuck and Blair!  Observe Chuck’s body language, throughout the negotiations.  His fists and jaw are clenched.  His nostrils are flared.  His lips are pursed.  He’s uncharacteristically figety.  Chuck Bass is like a BULL IN HEAT!  And as for the slow and seductive way that Blair pours and drinks that water from her wine class, while licking her lips — her eyes closed in exaggerated ecstasy?  Well, it doesn’t get much more sexual than THAT!

8. Reunited in Paris

 Episode: 4 x 02 – “Double Identity”

Setting the Scene:   After engaging in bestiality with a Raccoon Zombie, and breaking the heart of the love of his life, Chuck escaped to Prague, where he was shot.  To add insult to nearly mortal injury, the engagement ring he had initially purchased for Blair, stolen right out from under his bleeding body.  Chuck was then “rescued,” by some blonde chick named Snoozy Eva. 

So, filled with Self Hatred was Chuck at the time, that he allowed the world to believe he was dead, and began gallivanting around Europe with Snoozy, under the alias, Henry Prince.  Blair, who was vacationing in Paris at the time, learned of his whereabouts from Serena.  The Queen B then tracked the Bass-tard down at a Paris train station, in order to deliver to him an important message . . .

Potent Quotables:

BLAIR:  “Changing your name doesn’t change who you are.”

CHUCK:  “It’s a start . . . a chance to live simply, earn people’s respect, maybe become a person someone could love.”

BLAIR:  “Someone did love you . . . And you owe it to her — and everyone else you are leaving behind –not to run away, which is what you are doing  . . .”

CHUCK:  “Your world would be easier, if I didn’t come back.”

BLAIR:  “That’s true.  But it wouldn’t be my world, without you in it.”

Why it Made the List:  After spending an entire summer wondering whether Chuck Bass was dead or alive, and then suffering through nearly TWO full episodes, without a single moment of interaction between my favorite GG pair, this sweet and quietly heartbreaking scene between Chuck and Blair went a long way toward alleviating my painful symptoms of CB withdrawal.  The fact that Blair would be willing to rescue Chuck from his own demons, and convince him to come back to New York City, and reclaim his identity, despite all the pain he had caused her, said volumes about Blair’s strength of character.  It also provided me with an ounce of hope for the pair’s future together . . .

And the longing, tear-filled, looks Chuck and Blair exchanged with one another, when she returned to him the engagement ring he thought was gone for ever?  Priceless (not to mention, highly symbolic)!

7. The Truce

 Episode:  4 x 06 – “Easy J”

Setting the Scene:  Earlier on in this post, I made reference to a scene in which Chuck visits Blair late at night, at her home.  Chuck arrives, waving the proverbial white flag of peace, after the war between them had escalated to such a point, that both of their lives were at stake.  Blair is hestitant to trust Chuck’s offer at first.  After all, he has lied to her, and hurt her, so many times in the past.  And yet, as Chuck continues to plead his case, the cast iron shell that has formed around Blair’s heart, since the whole Raccoon Zombie Incident, begins to show signs of breaking . . .

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK:  “Look, we can keep blaming each other for what happened that night.  Or we can admit a harder truth.  It was no one’s fault.  It was fate — a tragedy . . .  Ware holding on to the pain, because it’s all we have left.  We don’t have to, we have a choice.”

BLAIR:  “Truce . . . you can see yourself out.”

CHUCK:  “I know the way . . .”

Why it Made the List:  Sure, at times, Chuck and Blair can act like children, with their tendency toward name-calling, silly games, and petty fights.  But, when it comes right down to it, these are two old souls, both of whom are wise beyond their years, in so many ways.  I loved the maturity with which Chuck and Blair were able to evaluate their past relationship in this intimate moment.  It wasn’t about who was right or wrong, or who was to blame for what happened to them.  Things simply didn’t work out between them last season.  So, why rehash the painful memories?

In this scene, Chuck and Blair took their first tentative steps toward overcoming their past, and building a future together.  They came to a mutual understanding that who they were yesterday, doesn’t necessarily have to be who they are tomorrow. 

And yet, how much had really changed between them?  The obvious electrical current of sexual energy that spread through Chuck’s and Blair’s bodies, as they shook their hands in “truce,” belied their promises to one another that they would never again give in to their mutual romantic desires . . .

 

6. The Threesome

 Episode:  4 x 08 – “Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”

Setting the Scene:  After an intense session of mindblowingly Hot Hate Sex at the end of the previous episode (more on that later), Blair awakens to a VERY happy ending in her bedroom.  Count on Cockblock Serena to come barging into the bedroom and spoil the moment, just so that she can babble on (and on and on) about the not particularly interesting “relationship” problems she is currently having with Professor Hot Bod . . .

Potent Quotables:

GOSSIP GIRL:   “Morning, Upper East Siders.  I hope you had a Good Night Sleep, or at least a Good Night’s Play!”

BLAIR: (while trying to hide her obvious arousal, and Chuck’s “head,” from Serena) “I hate it when the duvet pops up like that.”

CHUCK:  “This comforter blocks out so much noise, they could sell it at Bose.”

Why it Made the List:  Simply put:  watching Blair try to give solid “friendly relationship” advice, while, at the same time, fending off Chuck’s amorous advances, beneath the sheets (which were obviously giving her a tremendous amount of pleasure!) was just good naughty fun!  All of us felt Blair’s pain!  We ALL wanted Serena to get the heck out of that bedroom FAST, so that Chuck and Blair could finish whatever it was they were doing, before she entered . . .

And NOTHING is hotter than Ed Westwick, when he’s sporting Post Sex Bedhead, while discussing the sound quality of comforters . . .

5.  The Breakup

 Episode:  4 x 09 – “The Witches of Bushwick”

Setting the Scene: Chuck and Blair have just been publicly outed as a couple at the Saints and Sinners Ball, after weeks of keeping their affair a secret.  The outing had the unintended effect of bolstering Chuck’s public image as a naughtily decadent Bad Boy Entrepreneur with a soft spot for a delicate debutant.  Apparently, when it comes to hotel moguls, contradictions are sexy!  The outing was decidedly less lucky for Blair, who lost the opportunity to be spokesperson for a feminist-based foundation, Girls Inc., as a result of it. 

Chuck sees what happened as evidence that the couple can overcome any obstacle, as long as they are together.  But Blair is not so sure . . .

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK:  “I love you.”

BLAIR:  “I love you too . . . I don’t expect you to wait.”

CHUCK:  “If two people are meant to be together, eventually they will find their way back.”

BLAIR:  “Do you really believe that?”

CHUCK:  “I do.”

BLAIR:  “So do I.”

Why it Made the List:  Sure, it was maddening, and incredibly frustrating, that after three episodes of build up, intense conversations, and incredibly hot sex (all of which seemed to support the notion that these are two people who are MEANT to be TOGETHER), Chuck and Blair broke up, over something as seemingly insignficant as Blair not getting a dumb internship.  And yet, in this very special moment, Blair and Chuck BOTH admitted that they were in love with one another.  Beyond that, Chuck’s words to Blair about people who are meant to be with one another, eventually finding their way back into one another’s arms, seemed incredibly prophetic of an eventual PERMANENT union for this couple.  Don’t you think?

4. Hate Sex

 Episode: 4 x 07 – “War at the Roses”

Setting the Scene: The short-term ceasefire in the war between Chuck and Blair came to an unexpected end, after a highly embarrassing video, featuring Blair drunkenly singing at a karaoke bar, was exposed to all of New York high society on her twentieth birthday.  An enraged Blair immediately accused Chuck of leaking the video, since he was (she believed) the only person aware of its existence.  After all, permanent disavowal of this video was an important part of the peace treaty between Chuck and Blair.

Chuck — who would never even think of releasing such a video to the publi — was highly offended that Blair would believe he would do so.  (As it turns out, the video was discovered and subsequently publicized by Dopey Dan).  After the party, Chuck confronts Blair in private, to let her know, in no uncertain terms, that the war between them is back on . . .

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK:  “I’ve realized we are not friends.  Friends have to like each other.  And after what happened tonight, I could never like you.”

BLAIR:  “Every nerve ending in my body is electrified by hatred.”

CHUCK:  “There is a fiery pit of hate burning inside me, ready to explode.”

BLAIR:  “So, it’s settled then.”

CHUCK:  “We’re settled.”

 Why it Made the List:  OMG!  This scene was HOT with a capital “H!”  When you really thing about it, feelings of hatred, and those of intense and passionate love are not all that far removed from one another, are they?  Both have the ability to cloud your mind, and keep you from thinking rationally.  Both have a tendency to get you hot under the collar.   Both light a fire in your heart, that threatens to explode your insides.  And, perhaps most importantly, both can drive you completely insane!

The moment Chuck and Blair move toward one another, and begin to describe their mutual feelings of hatred, we all know the sex is inevitable.  Like Chuck and Blair, our bodies fill with the heat of anticipation.  As for the animalistic manner in which Chuck and Blair angrily have their way with one another on top of that piano — ripping eachother’s clothing off, as they teeter on the brink between insanity and intense pleasure — well . . . it’s like nothing you’ve ever seen on television before!

 

3. Chuck and Blair Exposed

 Episode:  4 x 09 – “The Witches of Bushwick”

Setting the Scene:  When Chuck’s publicist informs him that his new do-gooder image is bad for business, Blair suggests that he throw a Saints and Sinners Ball, to show the world what a bad boy he really is.   Mistakenly believing that their coupledom would undermine Chuck’s womanizing mystique, Chuck and Blair decide to keep their budding relationship a secret. 

And yet, when Chuck utters a certain phrase to Blair during sex (more on that later), Blair finds herself unable to think about anything else.  (Did he mean it?  Is it true?)  So, Blair shows up at the party, risking everything to ascertain Chuck’s feelings for her once and for all . . .  Little do Chuck and Blair, know that both of their secrets are just moments away from being exposed . . .

Potent Quotables:

BLAIR:  “I heard what you said . . . three one syllable words that, under the circumstances, you may or may not have meant.”

CHUCK:  “Do you want me to have meant them?”

BLAIR:  “If they were true, I would want to know.”

CHUCK:  “I meant it Blair, with all my heart . . . Are you going to say something?”

BLAIR:  “I will . . . I mean . . . I do.”

CHUCK:  “I understand the consequences, but I am willing to pay them . . . I say, we go up in flames together?”

Why it Made the List:  This very special scene is all about risks.  When Chuck and Blair meet one another on that balcony at the Saints and Sinners Ball, they are putting everything on the line for one another:  their lives, their livelihoods, their reputations, their pride, their self-respect, and their hearts.  The fact that the conversation between them takes place high above the ground, only heightens the dangerousness of this moment. 

Blair risks her future as a public feminist figure, by coming to see Chuck at the Saints and Sinners Ball.  And then, she risks her pride by asking him if he meant it, when he told her that he loved her during sex.  In turn, Chuck puts his own heart on the metaphoric table between them, when he admits to Blair that he DOES, in fact, love her — not knowing for sure whether she returns those feelings.  When Blair does respond affirmatively to Chuck’s claims of love, she does so, by saying those two special words, “I do,” almost as if she is completing wedding vows.  (How’s THAT for foreshadowing?)

Moments later, when Blair’s and Chuck’s relationship is exposed to the party — rather than shunning one another, to protect their respective reputations — both Blair and Chuck decide to embrace public scrutiny, and “go down in flames together.”  By doing this, Chuck and Blair take the ultimate leap of faith for one another, and prove that, when it comes to the many things in both of their lives that are important, their relationship comes first.

2. “Friendly” Sex

 Episode: 4 x 08 – “Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”

Setting the Scene:  Chuck and Blair have just reached the end of a VERY GOOD DAY!   Not only have they each gotten laid MULTIPLE times by one another, they’ve also protected a mutual friend, and ensured the takedown of a mutual enemy.  As Chuck and Blair sit quietly in her living room, sharing a drink together, they are feeling tired, but happy, and oddly invigorated.  Chuck and Blair have just been reminded of what a great team they make, when they are able to put aside their differences, and work toward a common goal.  In this triumphant moment, anything seems possible . . . even friendship.

Potent Quotables:

BLAIR:  “Sometimes, I think a takedown is better than sex . . . Well, it’s an endorphin rush.  Plus it makes me think of old times.  I really appreciate you stepping up tonight.”

CHUCK:  “Maybe that’s because that’s what we are,  friends.”

BLAIR:  “Who knew it would take a public takedown and tons of hate sex for us to get here?”

CHUCK:  “Well . . . I should get going.  Good night, Waldorf.”

BLAIR:  “Same to you, Bass.”

Why it Made the List:  As Chuck and Blair are reminded of what a good team they are, we are reminded as well.  Though on the surface, they seem very different, Chuck and Blair are really so much alike!  Both can be sly, manipulative, and mean-spirited.  But they are also loyal friends, who are willing to do whatever it takes to ensure that one of their own doesn’t get hurt. 

Can Chuck and Blair ever really be just friends?  The beginning of the scene suggests that they can!  Observe the easy and effortless way in which they relate to one another — shifting easily between joking banter, and sweet compliments.  Remember that Chuck and Blair started out as friends, and partners-in-crime, back during Season 1 of Gossip Girl.  These are two individuals know what makes each another tick.  They are comfortable with one another.

And yet, when Chuck and Blair move close to one another, and share a gentle hug, all thoughts of friendship go out the window.  The sexual chemistry between them is undeniable.  Observe the way Blair gently places her hand on Chuck’s cheek, the intense looks that are exchanged, and the depth of feeling behind each movement.  Behold the power of that kiss!

Granted, Chuck and Blair have been having sex throughout this ENTIRE episode.  So, what makes this time different?  You see, this is the first time, in the course of the hour, that Chuck and Blair make LOVE!  All the romantic elements are there: the gentle way the room is lit, the soft crackle of the fireplace before them, the soft femininity of Blair’s floral dress, the way Chuck CARRIES BLAIR ACROSS THE THRESHOLD into her bedroom, like the pair of newlyweds they are destined to someday be.    When it comes to television love scenes, they don’t get much better than this!

1. Chuck Says “I Love You” During Sex

 Episode:  4 x 09 – “The Witches of Bushwick”

Setting the Scene:  Chuck has just learned that he needs to reaffirm his Bad Boy image, in order to reclaim his hotel mogul status.  According to his publicist, this means dropping all ties to Good Girl Debutant Blair.  Likewise, Blair is informed by the head of the feminist foundation Girls, Inc. that she is in the running to become the organization’s spokesperson, but only if she disassociates from the rebellious Chuck.  Chuck and Blair meet in her bedroom, in order to plot a plan certain to save both of their careers.  But it’s hard to talk business, when both parties are feeling so very hot and bothered . . .

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK:  “There is something alluring about an angel drawn to the darkside.”

BLAIR:  “Or a devil redeemed.”

CHUCK:  “An impeccable plan.”

BLAIR:  “This really is a beautiful friendship.”

CHUCK:  “I love poplin.”

BLAIR:  “I love condemnation.”

CHUCK:  “I love you.”

Why it Made the List:  This scene was just pure perfection, on so many levels!  Porn stars have NOTHING on Chuck and Blair, in terms of sheer sexuality.  I adored the way, Chuck and Blair were able to help one another with their respective business problems, without letting all the dull talk get in the way of their sexual activity, even for a single second! 

The breathless way the Chuck and Blair talked to one another, their barely muted moans, as they undressed eachother and fell into bed together, the way Blair’s eyes rolled back in her head, when Chuck kissed her neck . . . it was enough to drive a Chair fan CRAZY!

When Chuck finally got caught up in the throes of passion, and told Blair he loved her, I literally squealed with JOY!  Blair may have doubted the veracity of Chuck’s claim — because he said it while in the throes of passion — but us Chair fans never did!  Like Blair, Chuck is the kind of person who keeps his feelings closely guarded, no matter what he’s doing at the time. 

The Chuck we know would never let himself get carried away during sex.  He would never say those three words, unless he absolutely meant them.  This is why it took Chuck being completely blissed out, and in the moment, for him to reveal the feelings for Blair that he had heretofore kept hidden.  This is the image of a man in deep and serious love.  And, as far as I’m concerned, nothing can be sexier . . .

Well, there you have it.  Ten Slyly Seductive and Super Sexual Scenes between Gossip Girl‘s “It Couple,” Chuck and Blair.  Which one was YOUR favorite?

New episodes of Gossip Girl will begin airing on Janury 24, 2011.  Until then, XOXO!

P.S. Be sure to check out my pals at Chuck and Blair the Perfect Pair blog, if you haven’t done so already.  The site’s late-breaking Chair news, gorgeous photography, and captivating content are sure to provide you with everything you need to satisfy your Chair fix, during this interminably long GG hiatus.

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under Chuck and Blair, Gossip Girl, Television Super Couples, Top Ten Lists

Nightmare on Blair’s Street – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Easy J”

Forget Paranormal Activity 2, THIS is the scariest sight I’ve seen ALL WEEK . . .

 .  . . and, apparently, I’m not the only one who thought so!

So, this is Halloween Week.  This tends to be the week when television shows try to add a little something “special” and “Halloweeny” to their episodes.  They do this, in a shallow attempt to SCARE THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF US!

Glee has the Rocky Horror Picture Show.  The Vampire Diaries has a Masquerade Ball and a Murderous Kat.  Gossip Girl has an Evil Raccoon Zombie with bad hair extensions . . .

But you want to know the SCARIEST THING about this episode?  During it, I actually .  . . gulp . . . didn’t mind . . . Jenny Humphrey!

OH THE HORROR!

Let’s get on to the recap, OK?

Wait Until Dark . . . Then Freak Out in the Morning

Yes, boys and girls.  Only Blair Waldorf wakes up in the morning with perfect makeup, flawless skin, and not a single hair out of place . . . B*TCH!

In anticipation of this upcoming episode, many of you might have had nightmares about Jenny Humphrey’s impending return to Gossip Girl.  Apparently, so did Blair.  When the episode opens, our Queen B is, once again, dreaming herself into an Audrey Hepburn movie.  Only, this time, it is not the Happy “Holly Go Lightly” Breakfast at Tiffany’s.  It’s . . . Wait Until Dark.

 LOVE THE HAIR . . . Blair!

In the dream sequence, a blind Blair (Wait . . . She was blind?  How did she SEE ANY OF THIS?) hears an intruder in her house, and becomes immediately convinced that it is Chuck Bass.  But, when the intruder attacks her from behind, Blair, in an attempt to defend herself, grabs a hold of something .  . . HAIR . . . long . . . grimy . . . stringy . . . despicable . . . HAIR.  My goodness!  Who could it possibly be?

Good guess . . . but I’m pretty sure it was Jenny Humphrey . . .

Meanwhile, across town, Serena is in bed with that Slutty Hot Guy who kept stealing her cab last week. 

Mommy Like!

Except . . . they are wearing clothes . . . A LOT OF CLOTHES.  You know what?  I don’t these two slept together . . .

Man, this episode is terrifying.  Clearly, this is a WORLD GONE MAD!

Anyway, Slutty (but not TODAY!) Serena sneaks out of Cab Guy’s apartment, because she doesn’t want to be like “all those other girls” she sees entering cabs from there, on “the morning after.”  (Yes, Serena.  Because Walks of Shame are SO much classier, than Cab Rides of Shame.  Good call, Girlfriend!)

“I am SMART!  S-M-R-T!”

But then, in a twist that shocked positively NO ONE, when Serena arrives at her “class,” which is Psychology of Business, or something . . .

(Wait . . . another business class?  What’s the matter?  Don’t any of you Gossip Girls like Science?  Or Math?  Or Underwater Basket Weaving?)

 . . . who is her new professor but, lo and behold, Cab Guy!

(I’m sure Columbia University is SO HAPPY to know that their prestigious faculty is being represented on this show as He Sluts and B*tchy Ladies who quit teaching because their  prospective Teaching Assistants fight over them . . .)

The Day Pass and the Dropped Class

Never one to disregard her Audrey Hepburn Dreams, Blair rushes to La Casa de Humphrey / van der Woodsen, and finds to no one’s surprise that Jenny Humphrey is there!

Queen B is just APPALLED that Evil Raccoon Zombie would have the GALL to disregard her Decree of Banishment, and show her mascara-stained face in Upper Manhattan.

“Off with her head!”

And yet, The Queen is feeling quite generous today.  Upon hearing that Jenny has an interview with Tim Gunn, for admittance into Parsons School of Design . . .

“Oooh Jenny!  That hair!  That MAKEUP!  This concerns me.  I’m very troubled . . .”

 . . . Blair offers Jenny a “Day Pass” from Queen B-sized torture.  The terms of said Day Pass are that (1) Jenny stays home all day; and (2) she ONLY leaves the house to attend her interview.

Now, is that not the sweetest thing you ever heard?  No?  Well, clearly you don’t understand the sheer magnificence that is Relative Kindness to Evil Raccoon Zombies!

“I’m so happy I could eat out of a garbage can!  Oh, wait . . . I always do that!”

Not that it matters, anyway.  We all know it isn’t going to last . . .

Meanwhile, Serena confronts Professor Cab Guy, and tells him that they should just be friends teacher / student, or whatever.  But then Professor Cab Guy starts laying it on really thick!  He’s all . . . “I CARE about you!  I think we could really HAVE something together.  You’re so smart and witty!  I have so many new and unusual STDs to give you.  But I can’t give you them, if we never screw!

“I’m concerned.  This troubles me.  He’s just so full of sh*t!”

Ummm . . . yeah . . . the minute Professor Cab Guy (His name is “Colin” by the way.  I just like Professor Cab Guy, better . . .) started alluding to the fact that he was attracted to Serena, because she’s “smart” and has a “great personality,” we all should have IMMEDIATELY known something was up . . .

But, alas, Serena is actually deluded enough to think she is smart, and actually has a great personality!  And so, she falls for all this hook-line-and-sinker.  She agrees to to hold off on taking Psychology of Business, or whatever, until next semester.  She also agrees to be Professor Cab Guy’s date to the Eligible Bachelor Award Party at the Boom Boom Room. 

OK . . . so let me get this straight.  They give out awards to guys for being single, at a place called the “Boom Boom Room?”  Does that sound strange to anybody else?

Crimes of Fashion

After running into Chuck, and reminding him that she “banished” Jenny for “both [their] sakes” . . .

“Honestly, Chuck, do you REALLY want people to know you slept with Little J?  Let’s put aside, for a moment, the fact that she’s underaged, and you two are kind-of/sort-of related.  Have you seen that HAIR?”

. . . Blair contacts her Army of Minions (which now, apparently, includes Penelope again – Oh how the mighty, hath fallen!).  She then instructs them to stake out Little J’s casa, to make sure Spaghetti Head abides by the terms of her Day Pass.

OK . . . now, I only noticed this, because I screencap the episodes.  But do any of you find it odd that Blair’s two non-Penelope minions always wear orange and yellow? 

 

What’s up with that?

The non-Penelope minions agree to the task without question.  However, Penelope has become a bit rusty in the art of Minionship, during her year off the show away from Queen B.  She actually QUESTIONS BLAIR’S AUTHORITY!

While Penelope agrees that nothing can be more entertaining than a little “Bottle Blonde Recon,” she can’t, for the life of her, understand what Loser J could have possibly done to make her worth all this trouble . . .

“Yours is not to wonder why, yours is just to DO or DIE!”  Blair SEETHES.  (That RHYMES!)

 “I do not like Jenny in my Town.  I do not like her.  She makes me frown.  And so you’ll stalk her, yes you will.  You better stalk her, or I’ll kill!”

Back at La Casa de Humphrey / van der Woodsen, Jenny is putting the finishing touches on the LAMEST FASHION COLLECTION EVER!  Seriously?  Stick figures?  All black?  All dresses?  This . . . from the “most talented young fashion designer of the Upper East Side?” 

“Your verk, is uneenspired, and borink.  You have nooo talent.  And your hair is a DISASTER!  Jenny Humphrey, you are Out!  Auf wiedersehen!”

And then . . . just when we thought we would be subjected to yet another lame scene, where Jenny and Dan talk about how oh-so-mean Blair is, a Special Guest arrives at the house . . .

Well hello,  Special Guest!

Special Guest Chuck (who we all know was the whole reason Jenny and her hideous fashion sense even GOT an interview with Parsons) arrives supposedly to “apologize” for deflowering her, and ruining her hair (Oh. . . wait, she did that by herself.) . . . I mean ruining her LIFE  (Yeah, that works.)

But Dorky Dan won’t let Chuck see Jenny.

“Now that Lame-o Vanessa is out of the picture, I have NO STORYLINE.  In fact, I have pretty much nothing to do this week, except follow my sister around and be “brotherly.”  You are SO not stealing another scene from me!  So there!”

*sticks out tongue*

Chuck agrees to leave so quickly, we just know he’s up to something dastardly.  And we figure out precisely what he’s up to, when we see him depart with a stack of papers.  And even though the top pages say “Bass Industries,” we can be pretty sure that the ones conveniently hidden below them say, “Jenny’s Crappy Excuse for a Fashion Line.”

Our suspicions are confirmed, when Chuck calls Jenny at home, to let her know he purposefully accidentally stole took her “Crappy Excuse for a Fashion Line” Papers.  Therefore, he will leave the at the front desk of his hotel, so that she can retrieve them.

“I’m Chuck Bass.  I make weird faces, when talking on the telephone.”

Having no choice in the matter, Jenny dashes outside, ugly goth dresses under her arm, and hails a cab toward the Empire Hotel.

The Stalking Minions, of course, follow Jenny into Chuck’s Pants the Empire, and immediately report their findings back to Blair.

And she is PISSED!  Blair hightales it to Tim Gunn’s studio.  There, she plots a revenge that is SO awful, that it actually had me . . . gulp . . . FEELING BAD FOR LITTLE J!

I don’t even know who I AM, anymore!

Toward the end of Jenny’s interview with Tim Gunn (which, admittedly, she ALREADY screwed up, by having LAME designs, and babbling on WAY TOO MUCH about her trashy personal life), she brings out the models wearing her designs.  It is at that moment that Jenny learns that Blair has somehow labeled each of them, so that they spell out the word”Whore,” in giant red letters.

(Then again . . .  it DID put some color on that bland palette of hers . . .)

Tim Gunn is APPALLED!

“I’m APPALLED!”

And so, he has no choice but to very politely ask Little J to leave  . . .

Don’t Drop the Soap!

You know what’s REALLY awkward?  When you are at prison, visiting your Psycho Sadistic Stalker Brother, who wants you to ruin the lives of your Boyfriend’s Friends — and you run into your Boyfriend, who is visiting his White-Collar Criminal / Drug Addict Dad.  I really hate it when that happens . . .

So, the above situation happens to Nate and Juliet.  Nate, for his part, is pretty cool with it — coming completely clean to Juliet about his Bad News Dad.  He also tells Juliet that he doesn’t care at all that her brother is an obvious Derelict / Threat to Society.

But then Juliet LIES ABOUT IT (even though she already basically told Nate about her brother’s “problems,” which sort of didn’t make sense).  Rather then telling the truth, Juliet makes up some lame excuse about being at the prison to teach some “literacy program” to inmates.  And then, Poor Dumb Nate offers to COME WITH HER to the class!

Awww Nate!  It’s a good thing you’re so pretty . . . Because you are going to make a GREAT Trophy Husband, some day . . .

Knowing she’s not about to teach some “Fake Literacy Class” at the prison, Juliet dashes off, nervously.  Back at prison (They must have some PRETTY LENIENT policies, regarding Visiting Hours and Use of Cellphones there!), Juliet tells her Derelict Big Bro that she trusts Nate, and wants to come clean to him, about EVERYTHING.

Her brother says, “That’s cool . . . whatever.”  (And if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn.)

Surprise, surprise!  Just when Juliet is about to confront Nate about “EVERYTHING,” he gets a call that his father has been gang banged “jumped” at prison.  Moments later, Big Bad Ben uses his Unlimited Prison Texting Plan to text Juliet with the unoriginal, “Did you get the message?”

(Maybe that “Prison Literacy Class” wouldn’t be such a bad idea, after all!)

Reverse Psychology for Dummies

Because it’s Monday, Serena is TOTALLY in love with Professor Cab Guy (just like she was TOTALLY in love with Nate .  . . and Dan . . . and Tripp . . . and Carter . . . and Aaron Rose . . . and the entire male population of Paris . . .)  But when her Mommy, Lily (she of the 18,000 marriages). . .

 . . . sees her daughter reading Professor Cab Guy’s business book, she is shocked to learn that her daughter can actually read thrilled that Serena is finally taking an interest in academics.  Serena, of course, doesn’t have the heart to tell her mother the truth — that her and her mom are EXACTLY alike — namely, Rich and Pretty but Dumb as Dog Poopy.

And so, the younger Miss van der Woodsen goes along with the ruse.  At least until this happens . . .

OOPS!

Lily, of course, is upset that her daughter is back to her Majorly Slutty ways, and can clearly give two figs about getting an education.  But . . . all hope is not lost!  Because Lily has an IDEA!

You see, she’s been looking at the pictures in reading Professor Cab Guy’s book, specifically the chapter on “Reverse Psychology,” and, doggonit, she’s going to use that on Serena!

(Riiiiiiiight, because this 40-something woman, educated at Brown, head of Bass Industries, married to millions of people dollars, has NEVER heard of or used reverse psychology before . . .)

Anyway, Lily starts telling Serena all this mean stuff, which, quite honestly is TOTALLY TRUE!  She tells Serena that Professor Cab Guy will make her rich, so she should go for it.  Plus, she’s too pretty to have to worry about “hard” mundane things like “getting an education.”  So, why bother?  Besides, Trophy Wives are AWESOME!

Serena, of course, being the Mental Midget she is, totally falls for this, and escapes the party, during Professor Cab Guy’s SUPER cheesy, “I’d give up bachelorhood for the right woman,” speech. 

Unable to resist, however, Serena visits Professor Cab Guy at his office to screw him talk.  Together, they agree that she should take Psychology of Business or Whatever, with him as teacher.  Then, when that’s all over and done with, she can finally become the Hot Trophy Wife he so desperately desires!

Love the Way You Lie . . .

When Chuck hears what happened at Jenny’s interview with Tim Gunn (which he TOTALLY orchestrated, by the way), he offers to “help” Jenny, by arranging another run in with Tim at the “Boom Boom Room,” where Blair and Co. just so happen to be.  Jenny agrees to attend. 

However, when Jenny DOES get to speak to Tim Gunn, he let’s it slip that Chuck got her the interview . . .

Infuriated that she has managed to get herself in the middle of Chuck’s and Blair’s foreplay, ONCE AGAIN, Little J fights back, by calling BOTH of their bluffs. 

“I’m BAAAACK!”

Moments later, out shoots a new Gossip Girl blast detailing just WHO exactly popped Little J’s cherry.  Chuck and Blair are, understandably, both humiliated.  (After all, who the heck would want people to know you slept with / were cheated on with an Evil Raccoon Zombie?) 

And, I have to say, it was nice to see Chuck and Blair together, on the same side, sharing the same emotion — even if it was Little J who caused it.  But then, Dan pops Little J’s Black Cloud of Joy, by informing her that just a single day on the Upper East Side has made her EVIL again.  (Not to mention, it further damaged her already miserable reputation.)

And so, Jenny decides the Upper East Side might not be the best place for her.

And yet, just when I’m ready to LITERALLY throw the book at Jenny, she has to go and say something to Chuck and Blair that (almost) changes my opinion about her in . . . gulp . . . positive way. 

“You two used to be in love.  Together, you were invincible.  Now, it is just a matter of time before your mutual destruction,” remarks a Newly Sage Jenny.

Jenny’s surprisingly wise words, strike a chord with Chuck, who visits Blair at her house that very night. 

“If we keep going like this, we are both going to end up dead,” Chuck begins.  “What happened between us . . . it was no one’s fault . . . it was fate . . . it could have been different.  We are holding on to the pain, because it’s all we have left.  But . . . we don’t have to.  Truce?”

Chuck extends his hand to Blair.  Tentatively, she takes it.   The moment their hands touch a current of lust and electricity, rushes through both their bodies.  They hold hands for just a moment too long, staring intently at one another.   Then, they abruptly pull away . . .

The door to Blair’s apartment closes, as Eminem and Rihanna’s “Love the Way You Lie,” plays in the background.  A more perfect song for this scene could not have been chosen . . .

Before I move on to the final portion of this recap, I just have two words (one a contraction) that I’d like to share with my fellow Chair fans: We’re BAAACK! 🙂

In Other News . . .

Jenny left town! 8) (for now . . .)

A tearful Juliet broke up with Nate to “save him” from the wrath of Big Bad Ben.  However, Nate wrongly assumed that Juliet dumped him, due to her embarrassment over dating a “Dude Who’s Dad’s in Prison.”  So, Nate kind of told her off.  (Not that she didn’t deserve to be told off, mind you — just . . . not for that reason.)

Oh, and THIS GUY?

He’s TOTALLY the “Big Brain” behind Juliet’s and Psycho Ben’s Stalker Games! (See, I knew nobody could REALLY like Serena for her “personality!”)

That’s all I’ve got, folks.  As for next week?  I have three words for you all: HOT . . . HATE . . . SEX!  😉

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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