Get Your Snowballs Out of My SHOWER! – A Recap of True Blood’s “Spellbound”

You know what I like best about Shower Sex?  IT ACTUALLY OCCURS IN A SHOWER . . . not on the film set for the Chronicles of Narnia!

Sigh!  Oh, True Blood!  How you tease me with your wanton promises of Sexy Seric Shower Sex!  How you made me wait patiently, week in, and week out, for some hot, soapy, bubbly, lathery lovely loving, only to give me something that was .  . . well . . . NONE OF THOSE THINGS.

On a brighter note, I have a brief message I would like to pass along to Eric Northman’s Tushy, on behalf of all Fangbangers . . .

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WE SALUTE YOU!

Let’s recap, shall we?

(By the way, special thanks to Skarsgardfans.com for the fabulous screencaps you see here.)

Vampire Jessica is Having a Very Bad Day . . . Mostly

“Oh Jason!  You’ve saved my life!  Please, let me reward you with a quick Floor F*&k in Daddy’s lobby.”

When we last saw Vampire Jessica, that Mean Ole Witchipoo was spelling her into wanting to meet the sun . . .

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

This week, it was JASON STACKHOUSE TO THE RESCUE!

“Really wishing I had a cape, and some tights, right about now .  . . “

Like a TOTAL BOSS, he tackles Jessica to the ground (Kinky!), and slams the door to Bill’s big fancy mansion WITH HIS FOOT, so Jessica can’t get out.   While, still under the influence of the spell, Jessica flips Jason on his back (More kinky!), and starts attacking him .  . .

Hey!  She kind of looks like she’s playing air guitar, in this picture!

But then the spell inexplicably stops, and Jessica’s thinking, “WOAH!  Weirdest Sex Dream EVER almost as bad as Sookie’s and Eric’s Winter Wondersex!”

She looks down at her hero (who she is oh-so-conveniently straddling at the moment).  Adorable Jason is looking up at Jessica with these big lovey dovey puppy dog eyes, despite the fact that she pretty muh looks like sh*t, right now AND was, just a few minutes ago, trying to EAT HIS FACE OFF!

“I love you . .  . you Crazy Sunburned B*tch!”

And she’s so overcome with passion for him, not to mention, she can feel his massive hard-on poking through her jeans that she plants a big sloppy wet one right on his mouth . . .  After it happens, she pulls away, in shock over what she has done.

“Oh gosh . . . I must have the worst morning breath.  I’m so ashamed!”

But Jessica needn’t be upset.  After all, this is Jason we are talking about!  Former manwhore Jason.  And he loooooooooooooves Jessica.  In fact, he’s so horny for the girl, right now, that he sits up, and pulls her in for another kiss . .  .a REAL ONE, this time!  There won’t be any chalking up of this kiss to “The Excitement of the Moment,” no sir!

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Things are getting REALLY GOOD!  So, of course, you can count on King Cockblock to screw them up.  “SOOOOOOKEHHHHHH JESSSSICAAAAAAA!” He whines .  . . like a b*tch.

“No one gets lucky on my watch . . . NO ONE!  Not even JASON STACKHOUSE, the guy who was gang-banged by werepanthers!”

Jason carries Jessica down the steps to King Cockblock’s hidey hole.  And it’s pretty darn adorable though Floor Sex would have been much more adorable.  Don’t you think?.  Beeeelll thanks Jason for having to save Jessica’s life, because her own maker was too big of a weenie to put the right amount of silver on her.  He then tells Jason that Jessica is going to need to stay in bed, and under silver, for the rest of the day, just in case Witchipoo decides to star in Evil Vampire Spell 2: Electric Boogaloo.  Jessica agrees, because now that she has a solid sex partner, she REAAAAAALLLLLY wants to live!

Jason puts the RIGHT amount of silver on Jessica, while he tries to come up with “happy thoughts” for her to think about, so that she won’t focus on the pain.  “Hot summer days . . . barbecues . . .” He begins.

Though Jessica is too in love with Jason’s face to notice how unintentionally inappropriate he’s being, Jason eventually recognizes his mistake, and changes his “happy thoughts” to things that Vampire Jessica might actually like such as Jason’s ENORMOUS COCK: the moon, never being cold, and Tru Blood . . .   (Awww, Jason!  No vampire actually LIKES Tru Blood.  You should know that by now!)

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The pair looks like they are going to make out right there on that coffin bed.  So, of course, you can count on cockblock Bill to chime in again, and interrupt.  He reminds Jason to not rat out Jessica for eating one of his guards.

Don’t worry, Jess!  Bucky’s not dead.  He’s just taking a nap . . . in his own blood.

Jason says, more or less, “Cool, no problem.  I won’t tell on Jess for eating ‘Bucky,’ if you won’t tell on me for shooting the Extra you had stationed outside.”

Jason and King Cockblock have themselves a deal.  They’d probably even shake on it, if Bill wasn’t chained to his bed with silver .  . . oh well!

The next time we see Jessica it’s “nighttime.”  She arrives home to an unwashed Hoyt, and tells him it’s over between them . . .

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He does NOT take it well . . . We watch him cry and blubber,  beg Jessica to take him back, and offer to drink her blood everyday.  Then THIS happens . . .

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OH MY GOD!  You just killed Hoyt, you bastar . . . I mean . . . b*tch!

Then Jessica runs outside with a big honking smile on her bloody face, and finds Jason waiting in his car, ready to give her the best de-virginization of her life.  And the fact that she doesn’t seem upset AT ALL about just murdering her first love, makes me think, “WOW!  Jessica Hamby is one SICK PUPPY!”

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It’s still pretty hot though . . .

Then Jessica wakes up in her little silver coffin bed.  And we realize it was nothing but a bad dream.  DARN! PHEW!  What a relief!

But then nighttime comes AGAIN.  And AGAIN, Jessica goes to the house she shares with Hoyt, to dump his adorable naive butt.  And AGAIN he doesn’t take it well . . . But this time, it’s a little bit . . . different.

“I KNOW you killed me in your dream!  You . . .  DREAM MURDERER!” 

In Jessica’s dream, Hoyt was a pathetic sniveling mess, when she dumped him.  In real life, he is hurt . . . defensive . . . and, as a result, very MEAN.  He hits Jessica in all her sore spots:  her perpetual virginity, her lack of . . . life, and her former religious roots.

“OH NO, YOU DI-N’T!” 

Though Jessica claims that she is dumping Hoyt, because she doesn’t believe vampires are meant to be monogamous, Hoyt is no dummy.  He knows Jessica has been distant for some time, and suspects that another man is the reason.  And it is . .  . partly.

But there’s another part of Jessica, who just wants to embrace her vampire identity.  And she feels she can’t do that while playing house with Hoyt.  This is why, in her dream, Jason said things to her like, “I love when your face is all covered with blood.  I want you to f*ck me and bite me at the same time.”  Dream Jason loves the vampire side of Jessica, in a way that Real Life Hoyt doesn’t, necessarily.

“Maybe God really does hate fangers.  And so do I!”  Hoyt exclaims, as he rescinds poor Jessica’s invitation to his house, and proceeds to throw furniture around to assert his manhood.

It’s pretty heartbreaking, actually . . .

But if Jess thinks she’s going to get comfort from Mr, Sexypants, himself, Jason Stackhouse, she’s got another thing coming!  Because Jason is nothing, if not loyal.  And he’s also a firm adherent to the Bro Code.  So, when he hears that Jessica dumped his best friend, though he’s clearly affected by the pain she’s in, he’s petrified of the notion that she might have done it for HIM.

“Time out!  Cut to commercial break!” 

It just goes to show how much Jason has grown up, over the past few seasons, that he is able to restrain himself from jumping on Jess, out of allegiance to Hoyt, despite the fact that it’s OBVIOUSLY what he wants to do.  (Remember Season 2, when Jason boned that crazy preacher guy’s wife?  Good times!)  Jessica on the other hand, is still young, inexperienced, and impulsive.  In short, she is the female version of who Jason used to be . . .

That being said, it was still SUPER sad, when Jason rescinded Jessica’s invitation to HIS house too.  I mean, how much heartache is a girl expected to endure in a single hour?

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Man, he looks good in that tight tank top!  Just so you know, Jason.  I’m NOT dating Hoyt.  So, you can totally have sex with me.

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That’s right, Jess.  And he probably would have done a whole lot more to you, if King Cockblock didn’t intervene.  Who knew King Cockblock was on Team Hoyt?

After Jessica “leaves,” Jason starts incessantly doing pushups, which, oddly enough, I’m starting to think is his way of jerking off . . . weird.

But don’t worry Team Jassica fans!  I suspect this little love triangle is FAR from over!  Alan Ball would NEVER let so much sexual chemistry go to waste except when it comes to the SHOWER SCENE!  WHY, OH WHY did you screw up the shower scene?

Meanwhile, back in Sookieville . . .

Neck Biting: Good! / Snow Hallucinations: BAAAAAAAAD!

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but would you mind terribly taking off that ugly flannel you’re wearing.  It’s distracting me from my wonderful Neck Bite Orgasm.” 

Back at Amnesia Eric’s Hidey Hole, Sookie rips off the Viking Vamp’s silver chains, only to find that he is not healing, as fast as he should be.  It turns out that Amnesia Eric has been WAY too busy having woodland creature sex to think about feeding.  In fact, the last thing he ate, was THIS . . .

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So, Sookie offers up herself as breakfast, holding on to silver for dear life, as the Viking Vampire gives her the Biggest Hickey Ever!  When he’s done SUCKING, he bites his own hand, and offers it to Sookie to drink, so that they can “become one” or whatever . . .

“I do hope you washed that first!  I mean, lord knows where it’s been . . . Oh wait, I know EXACTLY where it’s been.” 

Talk about biting the hand that feeds you!

Rub-a-dub-Dub!  It’s time for the SHOWER SCENE!

YEAH! 

Everything is going great, until Sookie turns on the showerhead, and SNOWBALLS come out . . .

Honey, this would be a really good time to call your plumber! 

After that, things went downhill fast . . . with Amnesia Eric and Sookie sharing V / Fairy blood induced Narnia hallucinations .  . .

“Is that a snowball in my ass, or are you just happy to see me?” 

Then, Bibbity, Bobbity Boo, all those snowballs magically turn into a fur bed.  And I suddenly know what Cinderella would look like as a porno flick . . .

Do you REALLY want to help, Fairy Godmother?  Than PUT THEM BACK IN THE SHOWER, WHERE THEY BELONG!

While the sex fiends are coming down from their mutual high in a decidedly NON-snowball covered bed, Amnesia Eric asks Sookie to run away with her.

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But Sookie tells him that they can’t run away, because it is their duty to help BEEEEEEEEL fight Witchipoo.  After all, Viking Vamp is a “warrior” and stuff . . . and  . . .

WAIT!  NO!  You two have NO obligation to fight for Beeel, at all!  Stay HOME, for Heaven sakes!  Have more Narnia Sex!  Anything but THIS!  In fact, what happens at the end of the episode to Amnesia Eric is YOUR fault Sookeh for making him “fight like a man” . . . or should I say . . . a vamp!  See?  This is what happens when you avoid the shower!

Just so you know, Sookie.  You and I are in a fight, right now. 

So, Sookie and Amnesia Eric visit King Cockblock, dressed like an old frumpy farming couple from East Deliverance, U.S.A. . . .

What not to wear when going on a witch hunt . . .

The pair tell Beel that they want to fight on his behalf, because Beel is Eric’s liege, and Sookie’s um . . . Bill.  King Cockblock doesn’t think Sookie can be of any help . . . her being . . . you know . . . a girl, and all.  But Sookie reminds him that she has The Glow Fingers.  And, suddenly, all is right in the world . . . until the end of the episode, of course . .  . when it isn’t.

Speaking of people who’d like to f*&k Sookie . . .

Leader of the Pack . . . But Still Whipped . . .

“Hi Greasipoo, meet my girlfriend, Sookie . . . er . . . I mean Trailer Trash Debbie.” 

 For someone who “isn’t into the whole pack thing,” Alcide sure seems to be fitting in quite well.   First, he helps break up a fight, among warring pack members.  Then, he showers Greasipoo with compliments about his decision to keep the pack out of the supernatural in-fighting between the vampires and the witches.  Greasipoo tells Alcide that he has “a little Alpha in him” and Trailer Trash Debbie agrees . . .

I’d like him to put a little Alpha in me! 

Greasipoo informs the Studly Alcide that he can move up in the pack, if he plays his cards right.  But Alcide doesn’t seem all that interested in such political crap.  Cue Trailer Trash Debbie, and her broken record complaints that Alcide spends too much time with Sookie, and that she is probably better in bed than I am is a TOTAL SLUT bad influence, since she sleeps with all those vampires.  Alcide, reluctantly, promises to stay away from Sookie.  And, to his credit, he keeps that promise for an ENTIRE TWENTY MINUTES!

Sorry Debbie!  You’re just not fairy enough for Alcide.

Meanwhile, over in that it’s becoming really annoying Not-so-Evil Baby Storyline . . .

What Big Freaky Ass Eyes You Have, Ghost Mom!

Awww!  Evil Baby and Evil Baby Doll have matching outfits.  How cute!

So, we finally know what’s up with this weird baby storyline.  Apparently, the ghost haunting Evil Baby Mikey is not Rene’s at all.  Rather, he belongs to THIS CHICK . . .

Creepiest EYES EVER!

Apparently, as we learn from flashbacks, Creepy Ghost Mom had sex with some married white dude, back in the day, and gave birth to a child, that he . . . I think . . . killed, so his wife wouldn’t know he was cheating.  The white dude lived in what is now Hoyt’s house.  And Creepy Ghost Mom had brought Ugly Doll originally as a gift for her dead kid.

 

Don’t hate me because I haunt innocent people, and have really bad taste in toys.  Hate me, because I have scary eyes. 

Somehow, Creepy Ghost Mom believes that Evil Baby Mikey is the reincarnated version of her lost child, because he just so happens to enjoy playing with the Ugly Doll.  So, Creepy Ghost Mom does what any mother would do in a situation like this:  She POSSESSES LAFAYETTE’S BODY!

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That night, while everyone is sleeping at the Bellefleur mansion, Possessed Lala saunters right into the house, like he owns the place, tip toes upstairs, and snatches Evil Baby.  What she/he plans to do with it now, is anybody guess.  However I suspect it involves torturing the poor kid with those annoying ass songs Creepy Ghost Mom always sings . . .

“Get me out of this sh*t storyline, Hooker!”

In other boring news . . .

Cat Barbie Still Doesn’t Like Sam (and neither does Greasipoo) .  . .

“I dated a Cat Barbie once, back when I shapeshifted into a Ken Doll.  She was very pretty, but kind of wooden in the sack, if you catch my drift.” 

Here we go again, folks!  Once again, Sam is at Luna’s house, with his proverbial tail between his legs.  It was good that he came in person, because I don’t think they make an e-card yet for: “I’m sorry my Skinwalker Teenage Brother pretended to be me, and had unsatisfying sex with you.”  Sam tries very hard to get back into Luna’s panties, by telling her, that he thinks that what Tommy did to Luna was worse than what he did to his parents.  (Really Sam?  Because, last I checked, Bad Sex couldn’t KILL YOU!)

“So, what’s a little white lie, if it helps get you laid?” 

Sam wins decidedly more points, by playing Barbies with the kid, while Luna cooks dinner.  But then Greasipoo interrupts dinner.  And he’s SUPER PISSED about Sam’s unexpected presence.  Surprise, surprise!  The “jealous boyfriend” / father of her kid Luna was referring to, is actually Marcus Greasioo, a.k.a Shreveport Werewolf Packmaster.

“I’ve even got an evil villain beard!” 

Sam tries to make peace with Greasipoo, but the dude is clearly not having it.  “You just pissed on the wrong boots, my friend,” he says threateningly.

I don’t know.  I don’t think Greasipoo isn’t giving Samipoo enough credit.  It’s not easy to piss on someone else’s boots.  For starters, it requires excellent aim . . .

Speaking of people who piss on your boots . . .

Tommy Boy Strikes Again!

So, this is how it’s going to be, huh?  Each week a new actor gets to pretend to be Tommy, Tommy assumes a new identity.  Comic Hijinks ensue?

This week, Tommy impersonates his once-surrogate Mommy, Maxine (He stole her clothing and makeup from her house the night before), in order to get his hands on the oil money to which he had learned she was entitled, a few weeks back.  Unfortunately, for him, the payoff ends up being not nearly as much as he expected.  But the day is not a total loss!  After all, Tommy Boy still gets the chance to wear awful makeup, do his hair really weird, and order the food Sam hides for himself in the back of the bar “because he is selfish.”  Just another day in the life of a Skinwalker/ Transvestite!

Lookin’ good, Tommy/Maxine! 

I actually think that Tommy Merlotte, would make for a pretty hot chick, don’t you?

In completely unrelated news, that curler-wearing vampire from last week is dead . . . er . . . deader.  (R.I.P.)  So, of course, V-addicted Andy almost licks her off the floor.

Come on, Andy!  Have a little class!  At least use a fork! 

And finally, the storyline you’ve all been waiting for . . .

“Sit, Viking Vamp.  Good dog!  Now beg for shower sex.”

Poor Eric Northman!  Why must they continue to emasculate you on this show?  Penis size envy, perhaps?  For a while there, things were  looking really good for you.  You were ripping throats out, and taking names.  I thought you were finally coming back to yourself.  Then, THIS happened, and well . . . yuck!

It all starts when King Cockblock compelled a reporter (Selah Pumphrey .  . . readers of the book series should remember the name) to allow him to monopolize the airwaves to give out a Pro Vampire PR message, in light of Curler-Wearing Vampire’s death . . .

Witchipoo honestly cracks me up, with her frantic inability to turn off the television to get Vampire Bill’s annoying face off her screen.  (I feel your pain, Witchipoo!)  This was a clever touch on the writers’ part, as it’s easy to forget that “Antonia” hasn’t been around for a LONG time, and has probably never seen a television in her entire life.

Tara is hanging out with Witchipoo.  For about two seconds, she pretends she didn’t know that the purpose of their little witchy spell that morning was to KILL ALL THE VAMPIRES, and feigns outrage over how AWFUL that is.  Then, Tara gets bored of pretending to be a decent human being, and goes right back to being her sniveling, whining, selfish, murderous self . . .

“Hey, Witchipoo!  You’ve got the wrong idea about me.  I never said I wanted the vampire to all die!  I just don’t want them to be on this Earth anymore.  You know, so you should like ship them all to Uranus, or something. . . ” 

Witchipoo is SEETHING over the fact that her little spell only killed that Curler-Wearing vampire!  But she manages to maintain her cool, when a slick and slimy King Cockblock calls her on the phone to arrange a meeting.

“So, Witchipoo, what are you wearing!”

Witchipoo is hesitant to meet with King Cockblock, at first.  But then he blows so much smoke up her ass that she nearly floats out of the room.  And so the pair agree to meet alone at the cemetery at midnight.  Of course, when the meeting time arrives, neither party is exactly alone.

“Expecto Patronum!” 

“Ditto!”

I love when Sookie and Tara look at one another from across the cemetery, and realize they are on opposite sides of this battle.  It’s a total “Et Tu B*tchay?” moment!  King Cockblock promises Witchipoo that the vampires will leave her alone, if she takes her evil spells off of Eric and Pam.  But since Eric and Pam were some of the many vampires who actually HARMED Witchipoo . . . or rather, “Marnie,” she’s not having it.

But then, Witchipoo starts chanting again.  And Eric does THIS . . .

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 . . . which is a decidedly NON-Amnesia Eric thing to do.  So, maybe she despelled him, after all . . . for now.

Eric’s throat grabber is like the starter gun that begins the race.  And all of the sudden, vampires are kicking witches ASSES, left and right.  Sookie even eliminates a few coven losers with her magic fairy fingers.  (You GLOW, girl!)

“Damn!  I could really use a manicure!  My nailbeds are shot to hell!” 

Then, the moment we’ve all been waiting for arrives.  Pam corners Tara, and prepares to break her neck .  . .  ONCE AND FOR ALL!

 “Go Pam!  It’s your birthday!  Gonna murder Tara, like it’s your birthday!  Gonna rip her throat out, like it’s your birthday.”

But then, who should come and screw it all up? But KING COCKBLOCK, who COMMANDS Pam to spare TARA!

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I CONCUR, PAM!  King Cockblock ruins EVERYTHING!

Then someone SHOOTS SOOKIE!

And if you think she actually dies, I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn for five cents . . .  

Suddenly, all the men in Sookie’s life stop short in their tracks, because . . . you know . . . EVERYBODY LOVE SOOKEEHHHH!

Witchipoo uses this crucial, “Not without my Soookeeeeh” moment, to try on some new colored contacts . . .

. . . and put YET ANOTHER spell on Eric Northman.  This one seems to make him her (sex?) slave.  (Well, hey, at least SOMEONE’S going to get shower sex!)

Meanwhile, it’s actually ALCIDE, who rescues Sookie from her once-a-season near death experience . . .  lifting her up and out of the frey, in those big burly arms of his .  . .

“Man, this is the biggest doggie treat I have ever seen!” 

Of course, where there is an Alcide, there is a Trailer Trash Debbie stalking nearby.  And she is NOT a happy camper.  So, much for that “stay away from Sookie” promise.  Right Alcide?

“Apparently, while in her wolf form, Trailer Trash Debbie is capable of curling her hair, and putting on makeup.  Talk about Stupid Pet Tricks.”

So, just to review:  the episode ends with Formerly Amnesia / Now Sex Slave Eric, getting a head rub from Witchipoo;  Sookie being carried off the premises by the Big Bad Wolf; Trailer Trash Debbie rethinking her 80’s hair; and Tara still alive . . .

In short, NO ONE is happy . . . and life sucks.  Did I mention they forgot to include the Shower Sex?

Oh well . . .  better luck next week, Sookehhhh.  If you live that long . . .

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Tata for now, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Kick off 2011 right, with these 10 Sexy Chuck & Blair Moments from Gossip Girl’s Fourth Season!

Happy New Year, Gossip Girl fans (and, perhaps, more importantly, Chair fans)! 2011 is a brand new year for us fangirls and television lovers!  And just because our favorite shows are still in Hibernation Mode, doesn’t mean we have to be!  So, rather than nursing our hangovers, and moping about how another year has gone by, I thought it might be nice to spend the first day of the new year with our favorite pair of Upper East Siders . . .

That’s right, boys and girls!  It’s Chuck and Blair day, here at TV Recappers Anonymous.  And have I got some smoking hot Chair Moments for YOU!

What follows are my picks for the Top Ten Chuck and Blair moments from the first half of Gossip Girl’s Fourth Season . . .

(Note:  As always, many of these video clips have not been properly embedded, due to CW copyright restrictions.  But you can view them ALL, in their Sexy CB Glory, by simply clicking on the internal links. ;))

10. Chuck sniffs Blair’s “Pie”

 Episode: 4 x 05 – “Goodbye, Columbia”

Setting the Scene:   Chuck has just declared war on Blair, once again.  This time, the breach of peace is Much Ado about Eva, Chuck’s Hooker in Peasant’s Clothing, Ex-Girlfriend.  Blair sent her snoozy temporary replacement packing, with the help of a few carefully placed rumors, and an unmatched ability to plant seeds of doubt in Chuck’s head, as to his Sweet Tart’s supposed “virtue.”  Since Chuck and academics are like oil and water, Blair mistakenly believes that she will be able to protect herself from battle, by hiding out on campus at Columbia University, where she is currently matriculating.  But Chuck has other ideas . . .

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK:  “Mmmmm . . . I almost forgot how much I used to enjoy your pie.”

GOSSIP GIRL:  “Better batten down the hatches, B.  It looks like your Island in the Storm was just hit by a Bass 5 Hurricane.”

Why it Made the List:  Nothing turns Chuck and Blair on more than a good-old fashioned War of Wits.  And this most recent war between Chuck and Blair was no exception.  Observe the way Chuck’s and Blair’s breathing quickens, when they come within a few feet of one another, how their eyes dilate, and the way they repeatedly look at each others’ lips, as they banter with one another.  These are textbook signs of sexual attraction. 

Let’s not forget the extremely lewd and naughty way, Chuck “sniffs” Blair’s pie.  It doesn’t take Freud to figure out what part of the female anatomy that pie represents, or what it means for Chuck’s nose to be in it!  In addition to being a sexually significant food in general, pie is a highly symbolic dessert to Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship, in particular. 

For Blair, food is an indulgence, one that is directly tied to sexual attraction.  Later on in the season, we see Blair attempting to combat her romantic feelings for Chuck, by compulsively scarfing down macaroons.  Even later in the season, Blair sends Chuck a pie, to symbolize their continued “friendship” with one another, in spite of a recent breakup. 

But food also plays a darker role in Blair’s life.  A long-time sufferer of bulimia, pie represents Blair’s struggles with her body image, and sense of self.  For Blair, Chuck is like pie.  He is seductive, delicious, and makes her hungry for more.   But he is also dangerous, and potentially hazardous to her health.  And just like with that decadent dessert, once Blair starts induling in Chuck, she often can’t stop . . .

9.  The Peace Treaty

 Episode: 4 x 07 – “War at the Roses”

Setting the Scene:   A few surprisingly eloquent words of warning from Raccoon Zombie Jenny, in the previous episode, caused Chuck and Blair to rethink the mutually destructive nature of the war they had waged against one another.  As a result, at the end of that episode, Chuck and Blair informally agreed to a “truce,” via a late night handshake (more on that later).  But Chuck’s and Blair’s friends, Nate and Serena, know that a mere handshake is not enough to put out the wildfires perpetually raging between these two soulmates.  And so, Nate and Serena stage an intervention of sorts, and attempt to broker a formalized peace treaty between the warring factions.

Potent Quotables:

NATE:  “Sooner or later, one of you is going to press the other’s button.  And we are going to end up with nothing but cockroaches.”

CHUCK:  “I have no objection to order in the kingdom.   Let the negotiations begin.”

And much, much later . . .

BLAIR:  “Actually, there is one more point I want to negotiate . . . in private.  Attorneys are dismissed.”

Why it Made the List:  For what was supposed to be a “serious” negotation of a formalized legal agreement, this meeting between Chuck and Blair was pretty darn funny.  Kudos to all parties involved, for not breaking into hysterical laughter, or even smirking, as Chuck and Blair discussed which of them was entitled to attend fashion week in Paris, who had access to which strip clubs, and whether Chuck was allowed bed the hostesses at local restaurants that Blair frequented.

All kidding aside, however, this peace treaty showcased some SERIOUSLY sexually tense moments between Chuck and Blair!  Observe Chuck’s body language, throughout the negotiations.  His fists and jaw are clenched.  His nostrils are flared.  His lips are pursed.  He’s uncharacteristically figety.  Chuck Bass is like a BULL IN HEAT!  And as for the slow and seductive way that Blair pours and drinks that water from her wine class, while licking her lips — her eyes closed in exaggerated ecstasy?  Well, it doesn’t get much more sexual than THAT!

8. Reunited in Paris

 Episode: 4 x 02 – “Double Identity”

Setting the Scene:   After engaging in bestiality with a Raccoon Zombie, and breaking the heart of the love of his life, Chuck escaped to Prague, where he was shot.  To add insult to nearly mortal injury, the engagement ring he had initially purchased for Blair, stolen right out from under his bleeding body.  Chuck was then “rescued,” by some blonde chick named Snoozy Eva. 

So, filled with Self Hatred was Chuck at the time, that he allowed the world to believe he was dead, and began gallivanting around Europe with Snoozy, under the alias, Henry Prince.  Blair, who was vacationing in Paris at the time, learned of his whereabouts from Serena.  The Queen B then tracked the Bass-tard down at a Paris train station, in order to deliver to him an important message . . .

Potent Quotables:

BLAIR:  “Changing your name doesn’t change who you are.”

CHUCK:  “It’s a start . . . a chance to live simply, earn people’s respect, maybe become a person someone could love.”

BLAIR:  “Someone did love you . . . And you owe it to her — and everyone else you are leaving behind –not to run away, which is what you are doing  . . .”

CHUCK:  “Your world would be easier, if I didn’t come back.”

BLAIR:  “That’s true.  But it wouldn’t be my world, without you in it.”

Why it Made the List:  After spending an entire summer wondering whether Chuck Bass was dead or alive, and then suffering through nearly TWO full episodes, without a single moment of interaction between my favorite GG pair, this sweet and quietly heartbreaking scene between Chuck and Blair went a long way toward alleviating my painful symptoms of CB withdrawal.  The fact that Blair would be willing to rescue Chuck from his own demons, and convince him to come back to New York City, and reclaim his identity, despite all the pain he had caused her, said volumes about Blair’s strength of character.  It also provided me with an ounce of hope for the pair’s future together . . .

And the longing, tear-filled, looks Chuck and Blair exchanged with one another, when she returned to him the engagement ring he thought was gone for ever?  Priceless (not to mention, highly symbolic)!

7. The Truce

 Episode:  4 x 06 – “Easy J”

Setting the Scene:  Earlier on in this post, I made reference to a scene in which Chuck visits Blair late at night, at her home.  Chuck arrives, waving the proverbial white flag of peace, after the war between them had escalated to such a point, that both of their lives were at stake.  Blair is hestitant to trust Chuck’s offer at first.  After all, he has lied to her, and hurt her, so many times in the past.  And yet, as Chuck continues to plead his case, the cast iron shell that has formed around Blair’s heart, since the whole Raccoon Zombie Incident, begins to show signs of breaking . . .

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK:  “Look, we can keep blaming each other for what happened that night.  Or we can admit a harder truth.  It was no one’s fault.  It was fate — a tragedy . . .  Ware holding on to the pain, because it’s all we have left.  We don’t have to, we have a choice.”

BLAIR:  “Truce . . . you can see yourself out.”

CHUCK:  “I know the way . . .”

Why it Made the List:  Sure, at times, Chuck and Blair can act like children, with their tendency toward name-calling, silly games, and petty fights.  But, when it comes right down to it, these are two old souls, both of whom are wise beyond their years, in so many ways.  I loved the maturity with which Chuck and Blair were able to evaluate their past relationship in this intimate moment.  It wasn’t about who was right or wrong, or who was to blame for what happened to them.  Things simply didn’t work out between them last season.  So, why rehash the painful memories?

In this scene, Chuck and Blair took their first tentative steps toward overcoming their past, and building a future together.  They came to a mutual understanding that who they were yesterday, doesn’t necessarily have to be who they are tomorrow. 

And yet, how much had really changed between them?  The obvious electrical current of sexual energy that spread through Chuck’s and Blair’s bodies, as they shook their hands in “truce,” belied their promises to one another that they would never again give in to their mutual romantic desires . . .

 

6. The Threesome

 Episode:  4 x 08 – “Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”

Setting the Scene:  After an intense session of mindblowingly Hot Hate Sex at the end of the previous episode (more on that later), Blair awakens to a VERY happy ending in her bedroom.  Count on Cockblock Serena to come barging into the bedroom and spoil the moment, just so that she can babble on (and on and on) about the not particularly interesting “relationship” problems she is currently having with Professor Hot Bod . . .

Potent Quotables:

GOSSIP GIRL:   “Morning, Upper East Siders.  I hope you had a Good Night Sleep, or at least a Good Night’s Play!”

BLAIR: (while trying to hide her obvious arousal, and Chuck’s “head,” from Serena) “I hate it when the duvet pops up like that.”

CHUCK:  “This comforter blocks out so much noise, they could sell it at Bose.”

Why it Made the List:  Simply put:  watching Blair try to give solid “friendly relationship” advice, while, at the same time, fending off Chuck’s amorous advances, beneath the sheets (which were obviously giving her a tremendous amount of pleasure!) was just good naughty fun!  All of us felt Blair’s pain!  We ALL wanted Serena to get the heck out of that bedroom FAST, so that Chuck and Blair could finish whatever it was they were doing, before she entered . . .

And NOTHING is hotter than Ed Westwick, when he’s sporting Post Sex Bedhead, while discussing the sound quality of comforters . . .

5.  The Breakup

 Episode:  4 x 09 – “The Witches of Bushwick”

Setting the Scene: Chuck and Blair have just been publicly outed as a couple at the Saints and Sinners Ball, after weeks of keeping their affair a secret.  The outing had the unintended effect of bolstering Chuck’s public image as a naughtily decadent Bad Boy Entrepreneur with a soft spot for a delicate debutant.  Apparently, when it comes to hotel moguls, contradictions are sexy!  The outing was decidedly less lucky for Blair, who lost the opportunity to be spokesperson for a feminist-based foundation, Girls Inc., as a result of it. 

Chuck sees what happened as evidence that the couple can overcome any obstacle, as long as they are together.  But Blair is not so sure . . .

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK:  “I love you.”

BLAIR:  “I love you too . . . I don’t expect you to wait.”

CHUCK:  “If two people are meant to be together, eventually they will find their way back.”

BLAIR:  “Do you really believe that?”

CHUCK:  “I do.”

BLAIR:  “So do I.”

Why it Made the List:  Sure, it was maddening, and incredibly frustrating, that after three episodes of build up, intense conversations, and incredibly hot sex (all of which seemed to support the notion that these are two people who are MEANT to be TOGETHER), Chuck and Blair broke up, over something as seemingly insignficant as Blair not getting a dumb internship.  And yet, in this very special moment, Blair and Chuck BOTH admitted that they were in love with one another.  Beyond that, Chuck’s words to Blair about people who are meant to be with one another, eventually finding their way back into one another’s arms, seemed incredibly prophetic of an eventual PERMANENT union for this couple.  Don’t you think?

4. Hate Sex

 Episode: 4 x 07 – “War at the Roses”

Setting the Scene: The short-term ceasefire in the war between Chuck and Blair came to an unexpected end, after a highly embarrassing video, featuring Blair drunkenly singing at a karaoke bar, was exposed to all of New York high society on her twentieth birthday.  An enraged Blair immediately accused Chuck of leaking the video, since he was (she believed) the only person aware of its existence.  After all, permanent disavowal of this video was an important part of the peace treaty between Chuck and Blair.

Chuck — who would never even think of releasing such a video to the publi — was highly offended that Blair would believe he would do so.  (As it turns out, the video was discovered and subsequently publicized by Dopey Dan).  After the party, Chuck confronts Blair in private, to let her know, in no uncertain terms, that the war between them is back on . . .

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK:  “I’ve realized we are not friends.  Friends have to like each other.  And after what happened tonight, I could never like you.”

BLAIR:  “Every nerve ending in my body is electrified by hatred.”

CHUCK:  “There is a fiery pit of hate burning inside me, ready to explode.”

BLAIR:  “So, it’s settled then.”

CHUCK:  “We’re settled.”

 Why it Made the List:  OMG!  This scene was HOT with a capital “H!”  When you really thing about it, feelings of hatred, and those of intense and passionate love are not all that far removed from one another, are they?  Both have the ability to cloud your mind, and keep you from thinking rationally.  Both have a tendency to get you hot under the collar.   Both light a fire in your heart, that threatens to explode your insides.  And, perhaps most importantly, both can drive you completely insane!

The moment Chuck and Blair move toward one another, and begin to describe their mutual feelings of hatred, we all know the sex is inevitable.  Like Chuck and Blair, our bodies fill with the heat of anticipation.  As for the animalistic manner in which Chuck and Blair angrily have their way with one another on top of that piano — ripping eachother’s clothing off, as they teeter on the brink between insanity and intense pleasure — well . . . it’s like nothing you’ve ever seen on television before!

 

3. Chuck and Blair Exposed

 Episode:  4 x 09 – “The Witches of Bushwick”

Setting the Scene:  When Chuck’s publicist informs him that his new do-gooder image is bad for business, Blair suggests that he throw a Saints and Sinners Ball, to show the world what a bad boy he really is.   Mistakenly believing that their coupledom would undermine Chuck’s womanizing mystique, Chuck and Blair decide to keep their budding relationship a secret. 

And yet, when Chuck utters a certain phrase to Blair during sex (more on that later), Blair finds herself unable to think about anything else.  (Did he mean it?  Is it true?)  So, Blair shows up at the party, risking everything to ascertain Chuck’s feelings for her once and for all . . .  Little do Chuck and Blair, know that both of their secrets are just moments away from being exposed . . .

Potent Quotables:

BLAIR:  “I heard what you said . . . three one syllable words that, under the circumstances, you may or may not have meant.”

CHUCK:  “Do you want me to have meant them?”

BLAIR:  “If they were true, I would want to know.”

CHUCK:  “I meant it Blair, with all my heart . . . Are you going to say something?”

BLAIR:  “I will . . . I mean . . . I do.”

CHUCK:  “I understand the consequences, but I am willing to pay them . . . I say, we go up in flames together?”

Why it Made the List:  This very special scene is all about risks.  When Chuck and Blair meet one another on that balcony at the Saints and Sinners Ball, they are putting everything on the line for one another:  their lives, their livelihoods, their reputations, their pride, their self-respect, and their hearts.  The fact that the conversation between them takes place high above the ground, only heightens the dangerousness of this moment. 

Blair risks her future as a public feminist figure, by coming to see Chuck at the Saints and Sinners Ball.  And then, she risks her pride by asking him if he meant it, when he told her that he loved her during sex.  In turn, Chuck puts his own heart on the metaphoric table between them, when he admits to Blair that he DOES, in fact, love her — not knowing for sure whether she returns those feelings.  When Blair does respond affirmatively to Chuck’s claims of love, she does so, by saying those two special words, “I do,” almost as if she is completing wedding vows.  (How’s THAT for foreshadowing?)

Moments later, when Blair’s and Chuck’s relationship is exposed to the party — rather than shunning one another, to protect their respective reputations — both Blair and Chuck decide to embrace public scrutiny, and “go down in flames together.”  By doing this, Chuck and Blair take the ultimate leap of faith for one another, and prove that, when it comes to the many things in both of their lives that are important, their relationship comes first.

2. “Friendly” Sex

 Episode: 4 x 08 – “Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”

Setting the Scene:  Chuck and Blair have just reached the end of a VERY GOOD DAY!   Not only have they each gotten laid MULTIPLE times by one another, they’ve also protected a mutual friend, and ensured the takedown of a mutual enemy.  As Chuck and Blair sit quietly in her living room, sharing a drink together, they are feeling tired, but happy, and oddly invigorated.  Chuck and Blair have just been reminded of what a great team they make, when they are able to put aside their differences, and work toward a common goal.  In this triumphant moment, anything seems possible . . . even friendship.

Potent Quotables:

BLAIR:  “Sometimes, I think a takedown is better than sex . . . Well, it’s an endorphin rush.  Plus it makes me think of old times.  I really appreciate you stepping up tonight.”

CHUCK:  “Maybe that’s because that’s what we are,  friends.”

BLAIR:  “Who knew it would take a public takedown and tons of hate sex for us to get here?”

CHUCK:  “Well . . . I should get going.  Good night, Waldorf.”

BLAIR:  “Same to you, Bass.”

Why it Made the List:  As Chuck and Blair are reminded of what a good team they are, we are reminded as well.  Though on the surface, they seem very different, Chuck and Blair are really so much alike!  Both can be sly, manipulative, and mean-spirited.  But they are also loyal friends, who are willing to do whatever it takes to ensure that one of their own doesn’t get hurt. 

Can Chuck and Blair ever really be just friends?  The beginning of the scene suggests that they can!  Observe the easy and effortless way in which they relate to one another — shifting easily between joking banter, and sweet compliments.  Remember that Chuck and Blair started out as friends, and partners-in-crime, back during Season 1 of Gossip Girl.  These are two individuals know what makes each another tick.  They are comfortable with one another.

And yet, when Chuck and Blair move close to one another, and share a gentle hug, all thoughts of friendship go out the window.  The sexual chemistry between them is undeniable.  Observe the way Blair gently places her hand on Chuck’s cheek, the intense looks that are exchanged, and the depth of feeling behind each movement.  Behold the power of that kiss!

Granted, Chuck and Blair have been having sex throughout this ENTIRE episode.  So, what makes this time different?  You see, this is the first time, in the course of the hour, that Chuck and Blair make LOVE!  All the romantic elements are there: the gentle way the room is lit, the soft crackle of the fireplace before them, the soft femininity of Blair’s floral dress, the way Chuck CARRIES BLAIR ACROSS THE THRESHOLD into her bedroom, like the pair of newlyweds they are destined to someday be.    When it comes to television love scenes, they don’t get much better than this!

1. Chuck Says “I Love You” During Sex

 Episode:  4 x 09 – “The Witches of Bushwick”

Setting the Scene:  Chuck has just learned that he needs to reaffirm his Bad Boy image, in order to reclaim his hotel mogul status.  According to his publicist, this means dropping all ties to Good Girl Debutant Blair.  Likewise, Blair is informed by the head of the feminist foundation Girls, Inc. that she is in the running to become the organization’s spokesperson, but only if she disassociates from the rebellious Chuck.  Chuck and Blair meet in her bedroom, in order to plot a plan certain to save both of their careers.  But it’s hard to talk business, when both parties are feeling so very hot and bothered . . .

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK:  “There is something alluring about an angel drawn to the darkside.”

BLAIR:  “Or a devil redeemed.”

CHUCK:  “An impeccable plan.”

BLAIR:  “This really is a beautiful friendship.”

CHUCK:  “I love poplin.”

BLAIR:  “I love condemnation.”

CHUCK:  “I love you.”

Why it Made the List:  This scene was just pure perfection, on so many levels!  Porn stars have NOTHING on Chuck and Blair, in terms of sheer sexuality.  I adored the way, Chuck and Blair were able to help one another with their respective business problems, without letting all the dull talk get in the way of their sexual activity, even for a single second! 

The breathless way the Chuck and Blair talked to one another, their barely muted moans, as they undressed eachother and fell into bed together, the way Blair’s eyes rolled back in her head, when Chuck kissed her neck . . . it was enough to drive a Chair fan CRAZY!

When Chuck finally got caught up in the throes of passion, and told Blair he loved her, I literally squealed with JOY!  Blair may have doubted the veracity of Chuck’s claim — because he said it while in the throes of passion — but us Chair fans never did!  Like Blair, Chuck is the kind of person who keeps his feelings closely guarded, no matter what he’s doing at the time. 

The Chuck we know would never let himself get carried away during sex.  He would never say those three words, unless he absolutely meant them.  This is why it took Chuck being completely blissed out, and in the moment, for him to reveal the feelings for Blair that he had heretofore kept hidden.  This is the image of a man in deep and serious love.  And, as far as I’m concerned, nothing can be sexier . . .

Well, there you have it.  Ten Slyly Seductive and Super Sexual Scenes between Gossip Girl‘s “It Couple,” Chuck and Blair.  Which one was YOUR favorite?

New episodes of Gossip Girl will begin airing on Janury 24, 2011.  Until then, XOXO!

P.S. Be sure to check out my pals at Chuck and Blair the Perfect Pair blog, if you haven’t done so already.  The site’s late-breaking Chair news, gorgeous photography, and captivating content are sure to provide you with everything you need to satisfy your Chair fix, during this interminably long GG hiatus.

[www.juliekushner.com]

“Think with your Brain. Not your . . . Macaroon!” – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”

“But I LOVE Macaroons!”

Is it possible?  Could this week’s GG installment actually top last week’s?  How could that POSSIBLY BE — when last week’s episode featured Chuck and Blair having HOT HATE SEX ON THE PIANO?

Oh, but it DID, Gossip Girl fans!  It absolutely did!  Because that AWESOME Piano Sex we all got so excited about last week?  As it turns out, that was ONLY THE BEGINNING!  In fact “Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore” was so racy (in a GOOD way), that it made “War at the Roses,” look like a Disney Cartoon . . .

Well . . . maybe not Aladdin.  That Jasmine girl?  Yeah, she’s a little bit slutty . . .

Oh . . . and Serena’s storyline wasn’t half bad, either . . .

So, what are we WAITING FOR, GG’ers?  Let’s get our “CHAIR” on!

“Someone’s been sleeping in MY bed!  And he’s STILL HERE!”

A couple episodes back, Gossip Girl began with Blair having a “nightmare,” in which she “thought” that Chuck was attacking her in the darkness of her home.  This week, that nightmare CAME TRUE!

The episode opens with Serena storming into Blair’s bedroom, first thing in the morning, to gripe about her “Colin Problem.”

“Oh, it’s so HARD . . . loving my teacher, and not being able to screw him, or take him to the Ballet.  I’ve always wanted to bone at a ballet!  Blah, blah, blah, I’m so irresistible to all men.  Woe is me,” Serena babbles.

 Now, while the “Colin Problem” sounded TOTALLY snoozy and annoying to me, I am not Serena’s best friend, Blair is.  So, I must admit, I was a bit surprised by the callous way Queen B blew off her “friend in need” in this first scene  It just seemed SO unlike her . . .

But then Serena left, and I noticed a little extra “bump” in Blair’s bed.  It was almost as if something or someone was hiding under the covers  . . .

OK . . . where can I get me one of THOSE?

Kudos to Chuck for NOT going for the way-too-easy (and undeniably creepy) threesome joke he could have made, regarding his “accidental” sharing of the bed, with BOTH Blair AND Serena.  We all know that Season 1 Chuck would have TOTALLY made such a comment.  So, it’s good to see how much our Big Bass has grown, since this series started (in more ways than ONE!)

Chuck Bass: A “HEAD” above all the rest . . .

Blair insists that this most recent sexual rendezvous between the two “sworn enemies” will be their last one . . .   And, if you believe that, I have a pet Raccoon Zombie I will selling, over the internet, shortly following this recap.

There she is!

( Coincidentally, if you are interested in owning your very own pet Raccoon Zombie, please let me know, in the Comments section.)

“What if Someone Sees?”

BLAIR:  “If screwing on a plane puts you in the Mile High Club?  What does screwing on a subway get you?”

CHUCK:  “A bad case of whiplash?”

Who says you can’t learn about local news from watching Gossip Girl?  When Chuck runs into Nate, just outside Blair Waldorf’s house, Nate notes that Chuck has been MIA for THREE WHOLE DAYS!

“Wait to GO, BLAIR!”

Chuck’s explanation as to why he has been so “absent,” of late?  This past Sunday’s New York Marathon, of couse!   According to Chuck, he has been helping the runners to get screwed, like they’ve never been screwed before “warm up” for the Big Race.

All of the people in this picture would like to thank Chuck Bass for his . . . umm . . . support . . . during the hours leading up to their Marathon.  Way to take one for the team, Chuck  (or should I say “take 1,000”)!

 Meanwhile, Nate is headed to Juliet’s place, to return some of her things, and, thereby, get “closure.”  (I wonder if Nate’s idea of “closure” is the same as Chuck’s.  For Juliet’s sake, I sure hope so!)

“Yeeee Hawwww, Juliet!  It’s time to close this relationship DOWN . . . using my lasso . . .  and my ‘Mechanical Bull.'” 😉

But while Chuck is chatting with Nate, he spies Blair, off in the distance.  And so, he makes an abrupt exit, running toward Blair with the verve of all those Marathon runners he claimed to be screwing.

Chuck grabs Blair’s hand amorously, with an eye toward continuing their own PERSONAL marathon.  But Blair hesitates.  “What if someone sees us?”  Queen B inquires nervously.

“What you don’t like that, anymore?”  Chuck asks. 

(OMG!  How could you NOT love these two?)

When Blair suggests that their sexcapades end “here,” Chuck replies, “How about over there?”

Within minutes, the two are arm and arm, and heading down BELOW . . . if you catch my drift!

As it turns out, Blair’s fears weren’t completely unfounded.  HOURS later (well . . . . maybe it was minutes . . . but a girl can dream, can’t she? ;)), when Blair and Chuck emerge from underground, they are spotted by Serena and Colin, who are sharing a cab to “class,” and planning a romantic weekend getaway together (Riiight, because that’s what all students and teachers who are NOT involved in an illicit relationship do together.)  . . .

Colin just so happened to be fully clothed at the time . . . BUMMER!

Also around to catch both Chuck and Blair AND Serena and Colin, in the midst of their respective illicit rendezvous, was Dorky Dan — who without his Georgina / Baby Daddy storyline — has ONCE AGAIN been reduced to pining over Serena for episodes on end . . .

“It’s not easy being this lame.  It takes a LOT of practice . . .”

Even though Dan does NOT actually go to Columbia, (Though, honestly, you could have FOOLED me, for all the time he spends there . . .) he instantly recognizes Colin as being a professor there.  (Sorry . . . “Guest Lecturer.”)  This is because Dan “just so happened” to be reading the dude’s book, (and staring at his sexy portrait on the back) at the time of the sighting.  What are the odds, right? 🙂

And the Plot Thickens . . .

“So, THAT’s why they titled this episode that way!  It all makes so much more sense now!”

When Nate arrives at Juliet’s “home,” he is surprised to find out, from the doorman, that she not only “doesn’t live [there] anymore,” she “NEVER lived there EVER.” 

Meanwhile, at Juliet’s REAL Rathole of a Studio Apartment, she is home, playing on a surprisingly nice laptop for a “poor girl.”  On said laptop is some home- made soft core porn featuring, you guessed it: Colin and Serena.  And they are . . . wait for it . . .

Kissing?

LAMEST SEX TAPE EVER!  Come ON, Juliet!  I expected MUCH better from a girl who used to be on Melrose Place . . . 

Upon viewing the tape (and re-viewing it, and re-viewing it, and -re-viewing it . . . never mind that it features her very own COUSIN!), Juliet contacts the Dean of Columbia to set up a meeting, so the pair can discuss this “INTENSE” video.

“Hmmm . . . maybe I should send this hot Kissing Video over to my brother in the Pokey.  Lord knows THOSE GUYS are hard up for some cheap entertainment!”

Why Serena NEVER has a tanline . . .

“Tans are for PRUDES!”

“Ummm . . .  honey, I beg to differ.”

Back at La Casa de Waldorf, Serena and Blair confront each other about what and who they’ve been doing lately.  “It was a one time thing,” insists Blair regarding her “happy times” with Chuck, “OK .  . . a five time thing . . . OK so I lost count of how many times this ‘thing’ was.  But we are Enemies with Benefits!  There are no more feelings between Chuck and I, than there are thoughts in Levi Johnston’s head.”

(Now Blair . . . that’s not very nice!  Levi Johnston has LOTS of thoughts in his head.  They just all have to do with his nuts . . .)

Pistachio nuts, of course!

Still Serena Killjoy does not approve.  She is fully convinced that ANY emotions that grow between Blair and Chuck, even ones of hatred, can only lead to trouble.

And by “trouble,” she of course means “tons of fun!”

Fortunately, for Blair, she hasn’t been the only one misbehaving of late.  “You are one inappropriate relationship away from a Guinness Book World Record,” Blair argues, adeptly changing the subject.

When Serena stupidly brings up the idea of her and Colin going on vacation together to “just talk,” Blair is appalled!

“I am APPALLED!”

You see, Serena has NO WILLPOWER on vacations.  That’s why she NEVER HAS A TANLINE.  Get it?  Apparently, Serena should take a page from Blair’s book, and start having sex in random sunny places, STAT . . . but . . . just . . . not with Colin . . . because that’s WRONG!  Right?

 Juliet Gets Caught in her 85,000th Lie by Nate.  Meanwhile, Vanessa Tags Along on Another Storyline, in which she has NO BUSINESS BEING!

Was it just me?  Or did this part of the episode give you a MASSIVE case of deja vu?  Tired of being lied to by the girlfriend who dumped him, Nate is determined to find answers!  (Riiiiiiight!  I don’t know about you, but I stalk ALL MY EX BOYFRIENDS, particularly when I find out information confirming that I dodged a bullet, by breaking up with them.)

“Wait . . . are you being sarcastic?  Because I actually do that . . . stalk all my ex-girlfriends, I mean  . . . at least the ones that are ‘series regulars.’  None of this ‘Special Guest Star’ B.S.  Sorry, Joanna Garcia and that Cougar I banged for a while, in Season 2!”

Since the rest of the Scooby Gang (well, except for Dan . . . but he doesn’t count) are busy “gettin busy,” Nate visits his Partner of Last Resort, Vanessa.

Vanessa is so excited that Nate is actually talking to her and that her character has more than three lines this episode, that she completely forgets the fact that he regularly ditches her for EVERY OTHER female character on this show, (EVEN JENNY), and has basically treated her like TOTAL CRAP for the past Season and a half.  Nate wants to spy on Juliet.  AndVanessa wants to “clear her name,” regarding the whole Serena “sex-for-grades” frame-up she supposedly orchestrated, a few episodes back.

And that was how the Hottie and the Nottie joined forces.  Vanessa finds Juliet’s actual address, while Nate talks his Ex up to “distract her.”  While Nate is talking to Juliet, she admits how very, very POOR she is.  So poor, in fact, that: (1) her cousin pays for her VERY EXPENSIVE college education; (2) she lives in a studio apartment near Harlem; (3) she does her own hair (FOR SHAME!): (4) and she shops at WOODBURY COMMON!

WTF, Gossip Girl!  I got some of my favorite outfits from Woodbury Common!  That place is awesome!   I’m impressed Nate even knows where it is!

So, now, despite the fact that Nate has already caught Juliet lying about: (1) her brother in prison; (2) her trying to get Serena kicked out of Hamilton House; (3) where she lives; (4) and how she pays for school, Nate is so touched by Juliet’s “I’m Just a Poor Girl, Nobody Loves Me,” story, that he decides to give Juliet a second chance . . .

Ummm . . . second?  Apparently, it wasn’t Nate’s “counting” abilities that got him into Columbia.  Oh, and correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Juliet dump Nate this last time?

Anyway, Nate decides to start of this “second chance,” by inviting Juliet to the Lame Ass Ballet that will function as this episodes main “Party of Plot Development and Hijinks.”  He texts Vanessa, to tell her that the “raid” is off.  However, Vanessa has already found the video of Colin’s and Serena’s VERY soft core porn on Juliet’s computer.  And now she just can’t stop watching . . .

“This is the most action I’ve seen ALL SEASON!”

Dan’s “Mad Face” = Total Relationship Killer

Dan finds Serena (studying?), and lays on her one of his most intense stares . . .  “Uh oh!  Why are you giving me Mad Face?”  Serena inquires, nervously.

“Mad Face?  Who me?  I don’t know what you’re talking about!  I always look like this!”

Dan admits that he saw Serena getting out of her Professor’s cab, and he didn’t like it.  Serena tries to smooth things over, asserting that they are “waiting” until the class is over to “do it.”  Isn’t that “romantic?”

Honestly?  This guy could SNEEZE, and it would be “romantic.”

Hoping to go all judgy-judgy on Serena’s as,s for screwing The Teach, Dan is a bit taken back, by his Slutty Ex’s Anomalous Abstinence.  And so, he starts REALLY laying it on thick.  Dan tells Serena that if HE was her boyfriend HE would do anything for her, INCLUDING quit a teaching position at Columbia to be with her.  After all, SERENA is worth more than the cost of a “Guest Lecture Fee.”

(Yeah . . . way to be subtle O’ Danny Boy!)

And yet, perhaps, I was too quick to rank on Dorky Dan’s Mad Lady Skills.  Because, about two scenes later, Serena DUMPS that Hot (and Rich) Piece of Meat, Colin, and instead decides to go to the ballet with . . Dan?

“Oh yeah!  I’m a stud!  You know it!”

Immersion Therapy versus Detox –  You all KNOW which one I’m ROOTING FOR!

Thank you, Episode 8, and CWTV.com for providing me the HOTTEST new collection of Chuck Bass screencaps, EVER!  (See example, above.)

I must admit, I literally squealed with joy, when I learned that Chuck and Blair opted to have their “last” sexual encounter in the exact same place where they had their first, namely, the back seat of a limo.  However, I must say, I was a bit disappointed that we didn’t actually get to see the encounter this time . . .  So, I guess we will just have to settle for this . . .

You’re welcome.

Unfortunately, for Chuck and Blair, they aren’t always the greatest at communicating.  As a result, each had VERY DIFFERENT ideas about how to finally END their sexual relationship.  For Blair, it was all about DETOX.  She commandeered poor Dorota, to keep her from seeing Chuck AT ALL during the next 24 hours.

“Oof!  I can already tell I’m not going to like this job . . .”

As for Chuck, he preferred more of an IMMERSION therapy — namely, ALL SEX, ALL THE TIME for 24-hours, or until they got “sick of it” (like THAT would ever happen), whichever came first.

Now, you all know how much I LOVE my Chuck.  So, I hope you all don’t take this the wrong way.  But was I the ONLY one REALLY creeped out by the way Chuck instructed his limo driver to pick up TONS OF CONDOMS in preparation for his NONSTOP SEX SESSION with Blair? 

Umm . . . ever heard of a thing called “privacy,” Chuck?  Perhaps, it wasn’t Chuck’s words that made me so uncomfortable, but the SUPER DISTURBING way the cab driver leered at Chuck  when he said them.  That made me throw up in my mouth a little bit . . .

Anywhoo . . . Blair’s idea of detox mainly involved “thinking with her brain, not her macaroon, as she told Serena, later that evening.  Basically, this plan constituted a LOOOOOONG bath . . .

 . . . and EATING . . . lots and lots of EATING.

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve seen Blair Waldorf eat as much in FOUR SEASONS, as I saw her eat, during this episode.  It was kind of refreshing, actually.  I’m guessing that all that sex she was having with Chuck, probably burned those macaroons RIGHT OFF! 

Throughout Blair’s LOOOOOONG bath, we see her repeatedly ignore phone calls from Chuck (31, to be exact).  And then, just when it seems like she’s “chucked chuck” for good, Blair reenters her room, and finds a little “present” in her bed.

Make that a nice BIG present . . .

Just as Blair’s resolve is about to crack, Dorota screams out NOOOOOOOOO! And promptly sends Blair off for her date to The Ballet with . . . Professor Colin Forrester?

As Blair rushes to meet her TOTALLY RANDOM date, Chuck eyes Dorota suspciously. 

“If KGB can’t get me to talk, Chuck Bass has no chance,” insists Dorota.

(Anyone know where I can find my own Dorota?  I can think of a lot of situations where this would come in VERY handy, indeed . . .)

In Other Home Invasion News . . .

 . . . Juliet returns home, to find a Creepy Vanessa lounging on her bed.  Temporarily forgetting that it was Juliet who set Vanessa up, as being the person who “framed” Serena for exchanging “grades for sex,” Vanessa has since decided that she now wants to JOIN FORCES with Juliet, to bring down Serena. 

“Come to the Dark Side, Juliet!  Oh . . . wait . . . I guess you are kind of already there.”

The only problem is that, now, Juliet’s all lovey dovey with Nate, and doesn’t want to go through with the whole “Screw Over Serena” Thing.  Not ready to give up just yet, Vanessa snatches up a USB drive containing the incriminating footage, and heads off to “The Ballet.”

At the Ballet

When Dan arrives at The Ballet to meet up with Serena, rather than going right over to her, he inexplicably stands still and leers at her from far away. 

“Clearly, this is all part of my master plan.  Why else would I do something so stupid?”

While Dan is waiting for puberty to hit, Blair learns that Colin quit his teaching job to be with Serena.  Her faith restored in Mankind (well, at least the part of mankind she ISN’T sleeping with on a regular basis), Blair decides to be the “good friend,” and reunite Colin and Serena.

It doesn’t take very long at all, for this to happen.

Sorry Dan!  It looks like the early bird gets the slut Serena!

Once she is safely alone, Chuck approaches Blair, and asks her to meet him in a phone booth?

“This sounds like a job for SUPER CHUCK!”

OK . . . do they even HAVE phonebooths in New York, anymore?  Because I’ve never seen one . . .

Meanwhile, Vanessa tries to paw off the USB drive containing the not-so-sexy vid on the Dean of Columbia U, when Juliet stops her.

But then Vanessa quickly convinces Juliet of the “error of her ways,” by telling Juliet that she will always be an outsider to this Upper East Side crew.  Therfore, she might as well join up with Vanessa’s LOSER CREW OF TWO, ASAP.

Juliet agrees, and ends up giving the USB drive to the Dean herself, pointing out that the folks in it, are none other than Serena and her very own cousin (and mealticket) Colin.  In my ABSOLUTE favorite part of this scene, Vanessa tries to interject some useless information into the conversation, and the Dean replies, “I’m sorry, but who are YOU?”

(Yes, Dean, we’ve ALL been trying to figure that out, for a REALLY long time now. . . )

When the Dean confronts Colin and Serena, Colin is already sort of off the hook, since he’s already resigned his position as faculty member at the school.  Being the good guy that he is, Colin refuses to implicate Serena in his “Sex Madness.”  But the Dean insists that she will HAVE to investigate Serena, based on past claims of “sex-for-grades” that were made against her.

That’s when Chuck and Blair come to the rescue!

Blair surprises us all, by risking everything for her best friend.  First, she snatches the USB drive from the Dean’s hand, and tosses it into her champagne, ruining it irreparably.   She then states that SHE, and NOT SERENA, was the one screwing Colin.  (I loved the little smirk Colin made, when she said this.  Colin is really enjoying himself, isn’t he?)

Chuck chimes in to confirm Blair’s involvement.  “I would know because I keep tabs on every man Blair sleeps with, because I’m insanely jealous.  Also, I heard he wasn’t satisfying her in the way that ONLY I can.”

So true, Chuck!  So VERY true!

In the end, the Poor Dean is just totally fed up with this crew of Upper East Side Looney Tunes.  And, without any evidence of the scandal in question, there’s really nothing she can do to Serena or Colin. 

After the whole “scandal” is over, Colin cuts off Juliet’s finances (DUH!), and Blair and Co., banish her from Columbia FOREVER (Not like she can afford to be there anymore, anyway. . .)

And they all lived happily ever after?  Well . . . not quite yet . . .

The Aftermath . . .

In the limo coming home from The Ballet, Serena inexplicably dumps THIS GUY. . .

 . . . (WHO LEFT HIS JOB FOR HER) . . . for THIS GUY . . .

(WHO DIDN’T).

But then, while she’s waiting for Dan, so she can tell him the “Good News,” Serena runs into THIS GUY . . .

 . . . who . . . SURPRISE, SURPRISE . . . is in love with her too!  Now, Serena is confused as to who she should choose . . . AGAIN. 

Seriously?  This girl goes through lovers, like the rest of us go through pairs of underwear . . .

MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY, SERENA . . . Blair did. 🙂

Back at La Casa de Waldorf . . .

 . . .  Chuck and Blair finally admit that they are friends (?)  And, though we all know they are so much more, it’s really nice to see the weeks (months?) of hatred between them just wash away.  “Who knew it would take tons of sex, and a public take down, for us to get here?”   Blair asks brightly.

“Good night, Waldorf,” says Chuck, a bit wistfully.

The pair hug eachother tightly, then kiss eachother chastely.  Then, very slowly, they begin to kiss eachother more passionately . .  . MUCH more passionately.  Next thing you know, Chuck has literally swept Blair off her feet, and is effortlessly carrying her toward the stairs . . .

The pair engage in SCORCHING SEX, in front of the fire.  But this time is different from all those other times, earlier in the episode.  No longer can Chuck and Blair hide behind the protective shield of Hate Sex.  Because this time . . . they are truly  . . . making  . .  .  LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!

And the episode should have ended here . . . really . . . but it didn’t.

In the FINAL scene, we see Juliet and Vanessa cyberchatting with a familar face . . . someone who “really understands” what they both are going through . . . someone who KEEPS SAYING she’s going to be above the fray, and not get involved .  . .  but keeps GETTING INVOLVED AGAIN, AND AGAIN! 

You guessed it.   Next week’s episode will feature Juliet and Vanessa teaming up with . . . 

Jenny the Raccoon Zombie!

And that, my dear friends, was how the Triumverate of EVIL was born!

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]