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The Three Faces of Witchipoo (and Eric Too) – A Recap of True Blood’s “Burning Down the House”

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“I’m back, and I remember everything, including what a poopyhead that cockblock Vampire Beeeeel is, and how he lied to, betrayed, and once, tried to eat Sookie.  Perhaps, SHE is the one with amnesia.  Is there a doctor in the house?”

Greetings Fangbangers!  This week’s installment of True Blood was all about multiple personality disorder  . . .

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Well . . . OK . . . that isn’t exactly true.  But we did get to explore the various versions of most of our characters, this week.   Let’s see, there was: Old Viking Vamp Eric, Amnesia Sometimes-Zombie Eric, and New and Improved, Best of Both Worlds, Eric . . .

There was, Witchipoo Antonia, Witchipoo Marnie, and Witchipoo What the F*&k is this B*tch Doing Talking to Herself, Like That?  Because That’s Just Creepy . . .

“I’m so confused . . .” 

We got Regular Jesus, and Weird Helmet-Head Jesus .  . .

Is this going to mess up my hair?

V-addicted Andy and Sober Andy . . .

Coincidentally, both of them always seem to make this facial expression  . . .

Alive Tommy and Dead Tommy . . .

 (Yes, I recognize that was in bad taste . . .)

And finally, Smart Sookie Who Loves Eric, and Dumb as a Bowl of Grits Sookie, Who Loves King Cockblock . .  .

Sometimes the truth hurts, Sookie  . . . 

So charge up those glow fingers, put on your weird demon mask, and prepare to make a run for the Anti-Human Electric Fence, because it’s time for another recap . . .

(Again, as always, special thanks to skarsgardfans.com for the glorious screencaps you see here.  I couldn’t have done this without you, you fabulous screencapper, you!)

The Most Fun You’ve Ever Had, During a Tolerance Convention . . .

The episode begins with all those zombie vampires, doing Witchipoos bidding, by trying to Kill Bill . . .

Now, THIS is the kind of convention I could support wholeheartedly!  Step Aside, Comic Con, I’m spending my vacation money on CockblockKillCon, next year!  Of course, there is that little problem of all those innocent humans getting murdered along the way,  But, hey, no convention is perfect, right?

(By the way, it is important to note that the episode began with this TOTALLY random shot of the LARGEST 1-800 Dentist poster, I have ever seen in my entire life.  Talk about product placement.  Are we to assume, based on when this advertisement appeared that 1-800 Dentist is on Team Eric?)

Unfortunately, it is during this convention, that we are forced to bid a fond farewell, to Young-Looking Hot Sheriff, who was somehow murdered, amidst all this Bill Killing Madness . . .

Goodbye Young-Looking Hot Sheriff . .  . we barely knew ye!

Things get a little crazy, at this point in the episode . . . You know, with all these extras dying, and stuff.  And it’s not until Zombie Eric finally wraps his arms around King Cockblock’s scrawny neck that things REALLY start to get interesting.

Insert porn music here . . . 

Sookie’s doing her Screaming Thing (“No, No, Beeeeel, Beeeeel!”), while Zombie Eric is doing his Killing Thing, and Bill is doing his Constipated Facial Expression Thing.  Everything is going great!  Eric even takes out a STAKE, and is ready to PUT IT IN BEEEEL’S HEART!  And then Sookie has to ruin it all with those damn Glow Fingers of Hers . . .

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And, in that moment, all of Witchipoo’s spells suddenly wear off . . .

“Dammit!  Who’s going to Kill Bill NOW?” 

But don’t despair, True Blood fans.  Because even the darkest of cockblock-shaped clouds bear a silver lining . . .  I mentioned that ALL the spells wore off, INCLUDING ERIC’S AMNESIA.

“You know, a thousand years of new/old memories are great and all . . . but where the f*&k is my Shower Sex?” 

 Suddenly, in the midst of all this blood and gore, Sookie and Eric are eye-f*&king eachother, like nobody’s business.  But the eyes Eric is using to try and impregnate Sookie, are NOT those dopey amnesia-ish eyes, he’s been sporting all season, but smart, wiley, sexy, “I want to ravage you, like the badass I am” eyes.

“Hey Eric, you are looking kind of bloody.   Might I interest you in a shower?” 

And if that wasn’t enough to clue you in to the fact that the Viking Vamp was back to his old self, the writers spelled it out for you, with a cheesy montage of Eric’s Greatest Hits . . .

Did I say “hits?” I meant “f*&ks.” 

After the main cast members escape the melee, a very bloody Nan begins the process of damage control, by glamouring the survivors, who are screaming in terror and yelping in pain.  Witchipoo is watching, and suddenly morphs into that Antonia chick from the flashbacks.  And, would you believe that evil wench is actually crying?

“Oh no!  I’m not crying.  I just have something in Marnie’s eye . . .” 

Speaking of crying . . .

Tommy, Can You Hear Me?   (Oops . . . guess not)

I genuinely hope Alcide wasn’t too attached to his car, because those front seats are TOTALLY going to have to be reupholstered, now that Tommy had to go and hack up blood and guts all over them.  (RUDE!)

“Anybody got a napkin?”

Alcide wants to taking Dying Tommy to the hospital.  But since Dying Tommy KNOWS he’s pretty much going to die anyway, he insists on being taken to Merlotte’s, which he has always considered his one true home.  When Alcide and Dying Tommy arrive at the bar, Sam is outside waiting for them.  Of course, he’s feeling all kinds of guilty about, you know, telling Dying Tommy he never wants to see him again, and . . . unwittingly letting his little brother get pummeled beyond recognition by an an asshat werewolf packleader, all while wearing his FACE . . .

Since Dying Tommy refuses to go to the hospital, and Alcide says it’s a man’s right to choose when he dies  (Now, THAT’S a controversial statement, if I ever heard one.), Alcide and Sam lay Tommy down on a dirty table in the bar.  (Classy!)  Then we get this sort of long, drawn out, extended Tommy death scene, complete with plenty of tears, lots of shivers and wheezing, discussions of the Great Beyond, and a maudlin exchange of “I love you’s” and “I’m sorry’s.”

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Honestly, I don’t think we’ve seen this over-dramatic of a death scene, since . . .well . . . EVER!  Correction . . . it actually kind of reminded me of THIS . . .

Most of the time, people on this show simply get their throats slit, or their hearts ripped out, and you just never see them again.

R.I.P. Grams . . . 

But I guess the writers of this show felt like Tommy’s life was crappy enough, that he deserved a send off, with some fanfare.  So, of course, we get to hear Sam tell Tommy he loves him, even if he stole his face.  And we get to hear Tommy say that meeting Sam was the best part of his life . . . which was probably saddest part of the whole scene, when you really think about it . . .  Because, you know, Sam spent half of Tommy’s life telling him what a worthless sack of sh*t he was .  . .

“You’re a worthless sack of sh*t . . . but I love you.”

After Tommy croaks, Alcide and Sam head to the car shop, in search of Greasypoo.  They find one of his minions there, and start pistol whipping, and kicking the crap out of him.

Tommy would definitely have approved . . .

“Tommy LIKE!” 

R.I.P. Tommy Boy . . . you naughty little dog, you!

Speaking of Greasypoo . . .

Trailer Trash Debbie and Greasypoo:  A Match Made in Dog Poopy

If you ask me, despite all his Big Talk about pack loyalty, and unity, and whatnot, Greasypoo has always been a bit jealous of Alcide, probably because the latter has a better ass, and WAY better hair than he does.

“How the hell does he keep that thing so firm?  The guy must eat rocks for breakfast!” 

But when Alcide directly disobeys his pack leader, by not letting him beat up Sam/Tommy, Greasypoo vies for revenge.  He gets this revenge by racing over to Trailer Trash Debbie’s house, and smoking a few joints with her, while he basically humps her leg.

As skeevy as he is, Greasypoo genuinely seems to have a knack for reading other mutts-i-heat.   And, let’s face it.  Trailer Trash Debbie isn’t all that hard to read.  Greasypoo plays on the psycho she-wolf’s insecurities about her relationship with Alcide, his insistence on not getting too entangled with the pack, and his desire not to have children with a drug-addicted wackadoo like Debbie.  Then he pretty much tells her that she should ditch Alcide, and start doing doggystyle with him.  Way to be subtle, Greasypoo!

Alcide is not amused . . . 

Now, I know Debbie’s supposed to be crazy, and insecure and all.   But I didn’t realize she was BLIND TOO.  I mean, seriously, Debbie?  Greasypoo over Alcide?  Have you LOOKED at your boyfriend’s ass, lately?  That juicy mound of flesh is the Eighth Wonder of the World, and you want to trade it in for Mr. Dances with A$$holes, here?  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Intervention – Fort Bellefleur Edition

*sigh*  Last week, we FINALLY saw the end to that ridiculous Evil Baby storyline.   And this week HOPEFULLY spared us from having to suffer from any more Andy on V Moments.  We start our little tale with Arlene and Terry shoving a vial of V right in front of his face, and reading him the riot act, about how he has the nerve to keep V around the house where Arlene’s kids are staying.  “I think it has a childproof cap,” notes Andy helpfully.

Nice try, Andy!  But if it actually had a childproof cap, you probably wouldn’t be able to open it . . .

Childproof cap or not, Terry knows that Andy remains in denial about his addiction.  And so he takes him to Fort Bellefleur, a fort the two cousins(?) used to hang out in together, when they were kids.  PTSD Terry, who, himself, is no stranger to addiction, forces Andy to admit that being high on V, does not, in fact, make him stronger, by engaging in a few shooting and wrestling competitions with him.  It’s all incredibly manly and homoerotic . . . or, at least, it would be, if Eric, Jason, or Alcide were involved, rather then Andy and Terry.

“I haven’t taken a dump since Season 4 premiered.  And I am VERY upset about it.” 

During this weird little intervention, we learn a bit about the kind of childhoods these two had, and how, like in most families, they both were jealous of one another, for their own reasons.  Eventually, Andy cracks and breaks down and cries, which Terry thinks is awesome, because it shows that (1) he’s finally hit rock bottom; and (2) he has a soul.  Then Terry kicks off his cousin’s trip toward sobriety, by forcing him to walk home alone.  Well, I guess it’s a lot cheaper than rehab . . .

“This intervention SUCKS!  Where’s that Dr. Drew guy, when you need him?”

Witches Need Motivational Speakers Too .  . .

Witchipoo and her top minion, return to the Moon Goddess Emporium with the two remaining zombie vampire sheriffs, in toe, both of whom she stores in the ladies’ room for convenience.  She is greeted there by her coven / group of hostages, who aren’t particularly happy to see her.  They are all getting kind of freaked out, because they can’t get cell phone reception in the Emporium, and if they try to leave through the front or back door, their hands will get burned off.

“This makes me VERY ANGRY.  Other things that make me VERY angry:  vampires, loud animals, the long line at the DMV, donuts, air, people who breathe funny, people who hold their breath, so as not to breathe funny, books, shoes, cable television, Ghandi . .  .” 

While the rest of the coven opt for techological means of escape, Holly pours through a spell book, in search of an appropriate cantation to get them out of there.  Tara seems skeptical of Holly’s methods, at first.  However, after Holly gives Tara her version of the “We are witches, hear us cackle” speech, Tara who “always has a lot of rage to spare, whether or not it is magical” decides to join in her witchy games.

“I would be smiling at you Tara, except that I just did a Botox Spell on my face  . . . Don’t judge!  They don’t pay waitresses what they used to, and if a girl ain’t got her youth, she’s got nuttin’!” 

Meanwhile, in Witchipoo’s office, girlfriend is talking to herself . . . no, seriously, Antonia leaves Witchipoo’s body, and she actually BEGINS to have a conversation with her better half.  Perhaps, the most shocking thing about this scene is that, as viewers, we always assumed that Antonia was the “Bad Guy,” while Marnie was just the “innocent vessel victim” in all this.  What we learn here, is that Antonia’s power has COMPLETELY corrupted the formerly weak Marnie, and now she wants to KILL EVERYONE!

“I’ll get you my pretty, and your little King Cockblock TOO!” 

Surprisingly enough, Antonia seems to be the voice of reason here, rightfully telling Marnie, that by putting all these HUMAN lives at risk, in addition to vampires, Witchipoo is no worse than those bloodsuckers, themselves.  Then MARNIE starts manipulating Antonia, by telling her how she should hate all HUMANS too, since none of them stopped to help her, all those years ago, while she was being burned alive at the stake.

 “Well, I’ve got to admit.  I HAVE had better days . .  .”

Antonia reluctantly agrees with her vessel’s assessment.  So, the two hold hands, call eachother “sister,” do a little Ring Around the Rosie thing, and suddenly they are back in the business of killing EVERYONE IN BON TEMPS . . .

Except for the Flying Monkeys . . . They can stay . . .

Guilty Jason, Hungry Jessica, and Farting Hoyt . . .

After a few mind-blowing rounds of Pickup Truck F*&k with Baby Vamp Jessica, the Guilt Monster lodges his head in Jason Stackhouse’s brain, and simply won’t leave.  Jessica reassures him that, since Jessica and Hoyt already broke up, what they did technically wasn’t cheating.  But, of course, Jason is still dating Hoyt, at least, in the bromantic sense, and therein lies the problem.

“Just say NO to Hot Pickup Truck F*&ks!  YES, YES, OHHHHHH YES!” 

Jason fondly recalls how he’s taken care of Hoyt his whole life, and can’t imagine stopping now.  He then has the audacity to ask Jessica to glamour him to forget that the two of them had sex, so he doesn’t have to feel guilty anymore . . .

Jessica, of course, is furious, and understandably so . . . “F*&king HUMANS!  I’m going to go eat someone,” she says, before stalking out of the truck.  YOU GO, BABY VAMP!

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Back at Jason’s house (who is looking FINNNNNNNE in his tight blue tank top, by the way) . . .

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. . . an extremely vulnerable Hoyt is chugging beers, and trying not to cry, as he begs his bestie to let him crash at HIS place, since he can’t bear the thought of staying in his Formerly Owned By Crazy Eyes Evil Baby Mama Haunted house without Jess in it.

Overwhelmed by guilt over his “affair,” Jason obliges his friend.  However, Hoyt’s constant boohooing about Jessica, combined with his apparently stinky bedtime farts, overwhelm Jason with frustration (and nausea).  So, HE asks to stay with Sookie instead.  Sookie, being the judgmental gal that she is, scolds Jason for not being more understanding of Hoyt’s loss.

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But, of course, this is the SOOKIE STACKHOUSE show.  So, within about a minute, Sookie has already forgotten about Jason’s problems, and is back on her own.  You see (surprise, surprise) Sookie needs Jason’s help.  We’ll get to the “why” and the “how” in a bit . . .

But for now, let’s move our focus to the both sweetest, and most jaw-clenchingly frustrating, scene in the entire hour . . .

This is the Part of the Episode, Where I Wanted to Punch Sookie in the Face . . .

Oh, come on, SOOKEH!  Let’s not act like you don’t deserve it . . .

When we last left Eric, he was blinkingly staring into Sookie’s eyes, with a look that says: I remember what it was like having Narnia Sex with you.  But I ALSO remember what it was like to watch my parents be murdered by Russell Edgington, and to avenge their deaths, by killing a sweet gay vamp named Talbot.

Just in case you forgot . . . here is a helpful reminder . . .

And yet, we weren’t 100% certain what Eric ACTUALLY remembered, or would be willing to admit that he remembered.  BOOK SPOILER:  This is particularly true of Sookie Stackhouse book fans, who undoubtedly recall Eric frustratingly and inexplicably lying to Sookie, by telling her he no longer remembers his Amnesia Time.  (He eventually comes clean to her about remembering, in the subsequent book.)

So, when Eric and Sookie sit down next to one another on that couch.  And Eric tells her that he remembers everything, and that nothing has changed, my little fangirl heart started may or may not have started to do engage in a little celebratory dance.

But then Sookie has to start blubbering on about King Cockblock (See?  There he goes again, ruining what could have been a spectacular pre-sex moment.), and how she still luuuuuuuuuves him, and that’s why she thinks her glow fingers were able to save him, and blah, blah, blah . . .

I’m sorry.  I just can’t take anything Sookie says seriously, while she’s wearing that ridiculous Preschool Picture Day hoodie . . . 

Eric is understandably not amused . . .

He reminds Sookie that she gave himself to him fully and completely (a.k.a They Banged . . . Like .   . . A Lot), therefore  . . .

Sookie more, or less, echoing her own words from her Threesome Dream replies that she never promised to be Eric’s.  Instead, he is hers.  Furthermore, she loves both him and Bill because only half of her actually has good taste . . .

Man, for a group of blood suckers, vampires have surprisingly rigid views when it comes to monogamy!  Eric looks crestfallen, when he learns that he is not the ONLY person that Sookie loves.  And when Pam rushes in to reunite with her maker, he can barely contain his sadness and disappointment from his progeny, even as he is warmly offering her a “welcome back” hug . . .

By the way, when Sookie ended Witchipoo’s curse on Eric, did she break Pam’s decaying curse too?  I wonder . . .

OMG!  They are going to KILL TARA!  *fist pumps, cheers, does happy dance* *sniffles, cries*

Later, the group reconvenes at King Cockblock’s house.  There they decide the best plan of action for defeating Witchipoo.  As it turns out, they want to blow her up, while she’s hanging out inside the Moon Goddess Emporium, of course!  I, of course, think this is a FABULOUS idea.  But then Sookie the Killjoy, has to get all “moral” on the team, with her “Wahhhhh, what about all the innocent people?  And what about TARA?”

“BEEEEEEEEL!  Don’t KIIIIIIIILLLL TAAAAAARAAAA!” 

To which, Eric, who has clearly got his snark back replies, “So, they bet on the wrong horse.”

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Indeed.  Of course, my favorite part of the exchange comes when King Cockblock starts ranting and raving like a lunatic about how much he wants Witchipoo dead.  And Eric glances knowingly over at a horrified Sookie, and says sarcastically, “Loveable, isn’t he?”

No Eric . . . no he is most certainly NOT loveable.  But YOU ARE!

Have . . .temporarily . . . lost . . . ability . . . to . . . form . . . complete . . . sentences. 

“You get the True Death . . . and YOU get the True Death . . .”

In what is becoming a fairly regular occurrence, the vampires find themselves once again forcibly silvering themselves during the day time, in Bill’s cubby hole, so as to prevent Witchipoo from forcing them to meet the sun.

Rather than sleeping however, Nan and Bill are again bickering like an old married couple about who’s FAULT it is that things went so very badly at the Tolerance Convention, which Bill had originally told Nan to call off.  (Ugh!  Why don’t these two just have sex already, and get it over with?)

Nan + Bill = Nill,  A match made in Cockblock Heaven!

Feeling disempowered, by the man she made King, Nan strikes back by hilariously ordering the True Death for any vampire who has the audacity to disagree with her, which is,  more or less, every silvered vampire in the room.  Good ole, Nan!  She gives out the True Death, the way Oprah gives out cars . . .

Of course, my favorite line of THIS scene goes to Baby Vamp Jessica, who said, “I don’t care, as long as I get to kill sh*t.”

My sentiments exactly, Jessica . . .

Jesus to the Rescue (Wow, that sounds kind of religious?)

So, Sookie and Jason confront Lala and Jesus about the whole, “The vampires and one annoyed TV Recapper want to blow up Tara” situation.  Sookie’s and Jason’s rescue Tara plan?  Storm the emporium before the vamps do, and take out Witchipoo.  But you know Jesus, and how he loves his Witchipoo.  He’s not down with that idea.  “Marnie is an innocent.  Let me separate her and Antonia, and we can send Antonia back where she came from.”

Well, isn’t that a peace-loving solution to this problem?  Sookie, Jason, Lala, and a TV Recapper look skeptical.  But they decide to let Jesus do his witch exorcism thing, just like he did with Lala and crazy-eyes lady, last week.

When Team Sookie arrives at the Moongoddess Emporium, they are shocked to find that it is being guarded by a cheesy forcefield out of some 70’s Star Trek film.  I mean, really, Witchipoo, this is 2011!  Get with the program!  Jason gallantly offers to go and battle the forcefield himself.  After all, he can do hand-stand pushups!  And he used to play football!  So, this is . . . well . . . NOTHING AT ALL LIKE THAT!

You got me!  I pretty much just wrote that joke, so that I could include this GIF in my recap again.  Are you mad? 

However, fortunately for Jason, Team Sookie nixes his “run straight into the forcefield swinging and hope for the best” plan in favor of the original sending Big Bad Jesus One.  Witchipoo, being the generous soul she is, decides to go outside, and meet Jesus half way.  But she isn’t just going to let him walk into the Moongoddess Emporium without proving his loyalty first.  After all, he’s been noticeably absent during the past few Team Witchipoo Outings.  And Little Miss All Vampires Must Die doesn’t exactly take kindly to instances of poor attendance.

Sorry, I’m late to your seance, Marnie!  My goatlicker grandpa ate my homework . . . 

So, Witchipoo demands that Jesus prove his loyalty by moving across the forcefield, himself . . .

I mean, that’s basically a suicide mission, isn’t it?

Well, it would be, except that Jesus just happens to be a SUPER LATINO!

Umm . . . yeah .  . . so, I really have no clue what the f*&k that ugly ass mask has to do with being Spanish . . . so I’m just going to take Lala’s word for it. 

That’s right, boys and girls.  In times of stress, Jesus apparently sprouts an ugly demon head and can somehow use it to walk past cheesy force fields from 1970’s Star Wars films.  Who knew?

This guy DID! 

So, Jesus is let back into the Witchipoo fold.  And it is there that he gets to talk to “Marnie,” and learn what us viewers have no already known for 20-minutes.  That sweet docile “Marnie” is just as batsh*t crazy and evil as Antonia, if not more so.  And SHE’S the one running the show NOW!

Hey Where Did Everybody Go?

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“Is this another dream sequence?  Is Baby Vamp Jessica going to walk out naked and start pulling down my pants?  Man, I hope so!”

Jesus sends the message telepathically to Sookie.  Now, it looks like Team Sookie is back to Plan B.  Run in and kill the b*tch.  And they may get some help doing just that.  Newly enraged witches, Holly and Tara band together and manage to put out a spell that temporarily breaks the forcefield.  Quickly, they run out to Team Sookie.  Team Sookie runs out to them, and . . .

Everyone disappears into thin air . . . literally . . . except for Hot Jason, who . . . you know . . .  is left all alone with his hotness . . . I guess.

This Episode of True Blood is Brought to You By . . . Leather Pants . . .

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If by chance you weren’t able to see the last scene of the episode, due to Hurricane Irene, or your DVR cutting off, or you getting zapped away into oblivion by some cheesy forcefield from a 70’s movie, worry not.  Because I can assure you that you’ve seen it already, at least once in your life, assuming that you have seen one of the following movies: The Matrix, Resevoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, any action movie ever, any gangster movie ever, any sports movie featuring a ragtag group of misfits who defy unthinkable odds to win the Big Game.

That’s right!  We’ve got Bill, Eric, Jessica, Nan, and Pam, putting aside their differences to walk in slow motion, while wearing black leather everything, and carrying bazookas, hand grenades, and other “Bad Ass Weapons.”  This is followed by a freeze frame shot, and a surprisingly decent cover of “Burning Down the House,” that I may actually add to my iPod, when this is through.

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Oh yeah . . . they went there.  My assumption is that the scene was a bit of playful self-mockery, and not meant to be taken too seriously.  So, if YOU had a good laugh at it, like I did, it probably served its purpose, just as much as the 1-800 Dentist advertisement did. 😉

It also really made me want to buy a pair of leather pants . . . or at least it would have, if I had legs like Vampire Jessica, or an ass like Eric Northman.  But since I have neither, I will stick with my comfy khakis.  Thank you very much . . .

And, there you have it, another episode of True Blood, dead and gone, like Tommy Boy.  (Too soon?)

Guess so  . . .

Believe it or not, there are only TWO EPISODES LEFT IN THE SEASON!

I’m DEAD SERIOUS, ERIC!  Just two! 

Next week’s TB installment, promises some more Witchipoo shenanigans, a lot of stuff being blown up, and undoubtedly plenty of instances of Sookie screaming BEEEEEEEEL!  You can check out the trailer for the episode here:

See ya then, Fangbangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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“S” is for Sucks to be YOU, Serena – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Gaslit”

Well, Serena.  The bad news is that you’ve been framed from a drug overdose you didn’t cause, and made to look like a Total F*&k Up, in front of all of “Manhattan’s Elite.”  The good news is you look ADORABLE in your News Snapshot.

Those of you who have read my Gossip Girl recaps before, know that I have a HUGE Major Mondo Intense Mildly Annoying  slight bias for the wonderous, made-to-be-together, TV Couple that is CHAIR . . .

Given that bias, you can probably imagine that this GG installment, which was most definitely Chair light, and “Serena and Parents” heavy, does not rank as one of my favorites, for this season.  And yet . . .  there were a few things that definitely endeared this episode to me.  They included:

(1) The Raccoon Zombie’s banishment to a trash can far, far, away (possibly, for good, this time?)

Not in MY trashcan, B$tch!  You get your own!”

2) Snoozenessa, upon being discovered for the massive FRAUD she is, crying wee, wee, wee, wee, ALL THE WAY BACK TO BROOKLYN, where she belongs . . .

3) Blair’s and Dan’s discovery that Serena is actually NOT quite the Hot Mess that Juliet and the Triumverate of Evil made her out to be.  In fact, by the end of this episode,  MOST of the “Non Judging Breakfast Club” is “non-judging,” once again.  *glares and points accusatorily at a Still VERY Judgy Nate*

“Hey, don’t blame, ME!  I’m still mad about that time Serena almost gave me a venereal disease!  Oh . . . wait .  . . you mean that wasn’t real either?”

4) Despite the show’s writers TRYING desperately to prove otherwise, it is still VERY obvious to most of us fans that Chuck and Blair have NOT, I repeat NOT, lost “That Loving Feeling.”

Dear CB Sex: 

We miss you!  We’ll see you real SOON!

Love,

Chair Fans

 

But enough of that.  Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

“HELP!  I’ve fallen off the wagon, and I CAN’T GET UP!”

“Ugh!  These sheets are DEFINITELY less than 400-thread count.  WTF!”

 When we last left Poor Serena, she was rufied, tossed in a cab by the EEEVVVIL Psycho Stalker Juliet, and shipped off to a cheap motel in Queens.  It is there that Serena wakes up in the opening scenes of this episode — wasted and reeking of booze, with a stomach filled with pills, and a nose raw from possible inhalation of The White Stuff.  In other words,  she’s going through exactly what I am forced to endure every Sunday morning.  JUST KIDDING! 🙂

Blitzed as she may be, Serena, fortunately, still has enough sense to pick up the phone, and dial 911 for help. 

“I don’t know where I am or how I got here,” Serena cries, her voice hoarse and words slurred from intoxication.

Off camera, Serena’s call is presumably traced by the Good Folks over at 911.  She is then picked up by ambulance, and carted off to a nearby hospital.

 All of this goes down completely unbeknownst to the rest of the GG cast, who are still pissed as hell at Serena for all the crap they THINK she pulled during last week’s episode (i.e. kissing BOTH Dan and Nate, very publicly exposing Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship, applying for a job Blair wanted, and dropping out of Columbia, via text message).  The rest of the Upper East Siders would much prefer to completely forget about Serena, and gorge themselves on turkey, pie, and expensive Thanksgiving wine.

As for Blair, she plans to spend Turkey Day in Paris, with her adorable gay dad, and his adorable gay boyfriend (remember them?). 

Ahh . . . memories.

(By the way, did anyone else ever wonder why Blair spent the WHOLE SUMMER in Paris, and never once mentioned visiting her dad?  Or, did I miss something . . .)

Knowing full well, that Blair’s impromptu vacation was nothing more than Queen B’s way of running away from her Chuck and Serena Problems, Dorota has other plans for her Boss / Surrogate Daughter.

Dorota = TOTAL Chair fan.  No wonder I love her so much!

Appealing to Blair’s sense of decorum and tradition, Dorota bakes a pie for the van der Woodsen’s and subtly suggests that Blair bring it to their home, in lieu of attending their Thanksgiving dinner, as she has every Thanksgiving, since Season 1 of Gossip Girl (at least, I think).  So, of course, when Blair arrives at La Casa de VDW cake in hand, who’s there, but Chuck Bass, himself!

The sexual tension / romantic chemistry between Chuck and Blair is palpable (as always) — so much so, that Chuck gallantly offers to leave La Casa de VDW, so that Blair can pretend to eat turkey in peace.  Blair declines the offer, however, assuring Chuck that it is important that they get used to running into one another now, as it is bound to happen at least once an episode.  (At least, we can HOPE!)

This Barely Concealed Chair Lovefest is interrupted, by the entrance of Mama VDW, who, quite honestly, seems annoyed by the presence of  Serena’s friends in her home.

“Here, I am — one of the richest women in Manhattan, and I don’t have ANY friends my age, aside from Rufus Doofus.  My life officially sucks!  Bring back Billy Baldwin, please.”

Things get increasingly more intense when Blair asks to see Serena, and Lily has no clue where she is (Mother of the Year — that one!).  As it turns out, Lily thought Serena was with with Blair .  . .or Chuck . . . or maybe the Dalai Lama, who can keep track, anymore?  Now that she knows her daughter is not with any of the aforementioned people, Lily FINALLY starts to worry about her daughter’s safety. 

Cue the phone call to the VDW household, announcing that Serena is in the hospital, suffering from a possible drug overdose.  Calls are made to the entire GG cast (except for Nate, who, unfortunately, got stuck with the Bad B Plotline, this week).  Everyone else rushes to the hospital to be with Serena.

“They tried to make me go to Rehab, and I said, NO!  NO!  NO!”

At the hospital, the doctor informs the VDW clan that Serena’s condition is stable.  However, she was on some serious anti-depressants when she came to the hospital, and may very well have tried to commit suicide.  Conveniently, at that very moment, Breaking News on the television screen above the cast’s heads announces Serena’s “Tragic OD”  to THE WORLD.  Knowing that the family can’t stay at the hospital, or go home, without being hounded by the media, the doctor “kindly” suggests having Serena involuntarily admitted to the same Rehab Center where little Eric got un-suicidal himself, during Season 1.

“You mean, back when I had an actual plotline to MYSELF?  Ahhh . .  . memories!”

Quick to think the worst of Serena, most of the family is totally on board with having Serena committed, except for Dan who still luuuuuuuuuuuuves her, even after she purportedly screwed him over, by macking on his studmuffin Nate, at the Saint’s and Sinner’s Ball, last week.

Hey.  I’ve heard about those rehab places.  There are NO CONJUGAL VISITS!  If Serena gets admitted there, I’ll NEVER get laid!  EVER!  Except, maybe by Vanessa.  But we all know she doesn’t count.

And yet, despite Dan’s protests, a very pissed off Serena is admitted into rehab against her will.  So, Unlikely Superhero Dan comes to Serena’s rescue, by helping her make a JAILBREAK!

The only problem is that Dan is not smart enough to come up with a good hiding place for Serena.  So, of course, he takes her to the FIRST place everyone will think to look for them — HIS APARTMENT.  *facepalm*  Granted, Dan claimed they were “just packing for a vacation there,” but, seriously, THESE TWO ARE RICH!  It’s not like Good Ole’ “Bonnie and Clyde” here couldn’t afford to stop at the mall, en route, and pick up clothes there!

Fortunately, for Dan, Serena’s not quite bright enough to see this for the DUMB idea it is.  So, she awards Dan for his bravery, with a quick smooch . . .

She also admits to Not-So-LonelyBoy, that he was, in fact, the one Serena was GOING to choose to be with at the Saints and Sinner’s ball (NOT NATE?), had the Triumverate of Evil not gone and royally f*cked things up.

Meanwhile . . .

Rats and Raccoon Zombies Invade Manhattan –  Pest Control is on standby!

When Rufus Doofus calls his Rodent Daughter to inform her of Serena’s hospitalization, the wench FINALLY sprouts a conscience.  So, Little J immediatley heads back to the city, to tell Juliet that the Triumverate of Evil MUST come clean about their recent dastardly deeds.  Juliet balks at the idea, arguing that Serena might actually REALLY NEED REHAB.   So, why put a stop to a good thing?  The same lame excuse is trotted out to Vanessa, when she confronts Juliet about what happened to Serena.

By the time Jenny arrives at the hospital, Vanessa has already ratted HER, and HER ALONE, out to Rufus the Doofus, conveniently leaving her own part in the revenge plot out of the tale, as well as Juliet’s.  And, while it is always great to see Jenny get chewed out by her dad, of course, this particular chewing out INTERRUPTED Chuck’s and Blair’s sweet moment together at the hospital, and, therefore, ROYALLY SUCKED!

It’s ALWAYS Jenny’s FAULT!  Damn Raccoon Zombie!

Blair was just about to tell Chuck how great it was to have his support during all this Serena Drama, and how, maybe, nothing needs to change between them after all . . .  More Sex, More Sex, More Sex! . . . when The Pestilence arrives and RUINS EVERYTHING!

Outside the hospital, Rufus chews out Jenny for being such a Freakish Brat.  Little J then tearfully promises to leave Manhattan for the 85,000th time.  (She just seems to keep returning . . . like weeds, or roaches, or a bad rash . . .)  However, for now at least, Jenny really does plan to leave the City for good.  She just has to make one quick pitstop first . . .

Back at Dan’s Place . . .

Puff the Magic Dragon, lived up Serena’s nose

Due to their Lame Hiding Spot, Ma and Pa VDW-Humphrey, along with Blair, find the “happy couple” at Dan’s apartment, before Dan even has time to cop a feel at Serena’s boobies.  While Dan (rightfully) calls Lily out on what a crap mother she has been to Serena, all these years (Did I forget to mention that Lily is paying off Serena’s enemy, Juliet, MONTHLY to keep her quiet about Serena’s supposed past?) Blair goes to talk to the Hot Mess herself, and try to convince her to go back to rehab.

At that moment, a GG blast conveniently produces obviously doctored pictures of a masked Serena-looking person snorting enough White Stuff to build a snowman in her nostrils.   This was actually a pretty brilliant move on EEEEVILL Juliet’s part.  Because, now Serena (LIKE EVERYONE ELSE EXCEPT DAN), becomes convinced that she’s actually a drug addict!  And, so, back to Rehab the VDWa go, to celebrate a Very Van Der Woodsen Thanksgiving  together . . . along with the rest of the obscenely wealthy alcoholics and drug addicts . . .

Speaking of cokeheads . . .

Nate’s Mom and Dad are . .  .zzzzzzzzz

Nate is hanging out with his Secret Lover Dan, when he learns, thanks to some mis-delivered legal documents, that his mother has randomly decided to divorce his coked up, embezzler father, who’s still in jail.  Nate, who’s naive enough to think his dad is reformed, convinces his mother that Daddy-O has CHANGED.  He’s a GOOD PERSON NOW.  So, she should stay married to him!  (How many times have we heard THAT ONE before?) 

Nate’s overly botoxed Mama, is incapable of making any other expression, aside from “mildly surprised,” when she hears this.  Realizing that her inability to smile or open her mouth particularly wide, will make it difficult for her to land a new Meal Ticket Husband, Mama Archibald decides to give Papa Archibald another chance. 

So, Mother and Son visit Papa in jail, and quickly decide to give him another chance.  Then, of course, as Nate is leaving the jail, he learns that his Daddy is up for parole.  In other words, this whole “Papa’s Reformed Thing” is probably a Big Ole Crock a Sh*t.  Now, Daddy-O seems a whole lot less concerned with “changing for the better,” and more concerned with “putting on a good face for the Parole Board,” so he can earn his “Get Out of Jail Free Card.”

  Go figure . . .

Also visiting jail on Turkey Day . . .

Juliet Proves Herself to Be Even Crazier Than Her Jailbird Brother!

While Nate is chatting up his Pops, Juliet shows up at jail, clad in an outfit so WHOLLY INAPPROPRIATE for the occasion, that I’m half convinced she’s been arrested for prostitution.

Unfortunately, she’s just there to visit Crazy Brother Ben . . . again.  When Juliet tells her Looney Tunes Brother how she made all of Serena’s friends hate her, and got her, more or less, kicked out of Columbia, the guy is absolutely thrilled!

However, when Ben finds out that Juliet had Serena drugged, he’s morally APPALLED!  This . . . coming from the same guy who had Nate’s dad beat up, convinced Juliet to try to get their own cousin fired from Columbia on sexual abuse charges, and was willing to ruin the lives of the ENTIRE GG cast, just to get to Serena.  Oh yeah . . . these two (Ben and Serena) DEFINITELY did the nasty together, at some point!  There’s no other possible explanation for this sudden moral outrage, on Ben’s part. 

Juliet agrees with me, and starts calling Crazy Brother Ben out on his hypocrisy, reminding him all that she has given up on his behalf.  Juliet then skips town, cleaning out her fleabag apartment, in a flash.  By the time Jenny arrives to confront Juliet at her place, all that is left is that darn party mask, from the Saint’s and Sinner’s Ball. 

(I find it VERY hard to believe that someone as savvy as Juliet, would be dumb enough to leave such an obvious clue of her wrongdoing behind.)

“We’ll always have pie!”

Riding home from the whole Serena Ordeal in a limo with Chuck  (YAY LIMO – SEX, SEX, SEX!), Blair admits to how comfortable being with him makes her.  She is so comfortable, in fact, that she is beginning to regret breaking up with him in the first place.  As Blair admits this to Chuck, she sweetly clasps his hand.

But then Chuck tells Blair that she was RIGHT to break up with him.  He LETS GO OF HER HAND!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

“I can’t be your friend right now.  I wish I could,” says Chuck, sadly.

“I know, and I’m sorry,” Blair offers.

“I’m not.  Because I got to spend more time with you today,” admits Chuck.

Back at home, Blair encounters Jenny, who promptly comes clean to her about the whole Triumverate of Evil, Serena Revenge Plot thing.  And I’ll be darned if the two don’t share an oddly sweet moment together!  When Blair asks for Jenny’s help in bringing down Juliet, Jenny declines, assuring Blair that the Queen B was right in banishing her from Manhattan, in the first place!

Blair even seems to suggest that she will miss Jenny, when she’s gone!

That makes one of us!

When Jenny leaves, Blair immediately picks up her cell phone.  She is about to dial Chuck, her go-to lover partner-in-crime, when it comes to getting revenge on Bottle Blondes.  However, Blair ultimately decides against making that call.  She does, however, send Chuck some pie. ( And We all know how much CHUCK LOVES BLAIR’S PIE!).  The pie for Chuck comes with a little note:  “Just because we couldn’t be friends, doesn’t mean we aren’t – B.”

Chuck smiles at the note, and so do we, knowing full well, that it will NEVER truly be over between, Soul Mates, Chuck and Blair.  So, take that, haters! (Just kidding, I love you all!)  🙂

Meanwhile, Jenny texts Vanessa about having come clean to Blair about the Revenge Plot from Hell.  A VERY SCARED Vanessa immediately pees her pants at the thought of Blair’s Inevitable Wrath.  V-card then ends up escaping to Brooklyn, like the Big Weeny she is!

*Sings* Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, hey, hey, hey, GOODBYE!

At the end of the episode,  Blair seeks out a new partner-in-crime for her Get Revenge Against Juliet for Serena plot . . . DAN?

“Don’t worry.  I’m just as confused by it as you are.”

Based on the promos we were treated to at the end of this episode, next week’s GG installment promises more fun plotting and scheming from the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, as well as the return of one of my FAVORITE GG guest stars of yesteryear . . . DRUG DEALING DAMIEN!

Can I get a “HELL YEAH?”

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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