Sometimes, the greatest love stories can be found in the most unexpected of places . . .
Greetings Upper East Siders! In a show that is so often about lies, it was kind of refreshing to experience an episode of Gossip Girl that was actually all about the truth.
Each of our main characters
except for Serena had a certain painful truth that plagued them throughout the episode. Facing up to those truths could leave them vulnerable to a world of painful consequences, but it could also set them free. During the hour, we repeatedly wondered how our characters would cope with their specific truths. Would they embrace them, bravely? Or become imprisoned by them? And, perhaps, importantly, would anyone get laid, in the process?
Oh, come on! As if it never crossed YOUR mind!
Let’s find out, shall we?
There Once was a Dog Named Monkey (and a Test Named Paternity)
“Is that you, Jenny Humphrey? You look . . . different. Did you do something to your hair?
The odd (but hilarious) little bromance between Dan and Chuck continues, as Dan tries to cure Chuck of his “conversion disorder.” Dan’s attempts to make Chuck “feel” again, include (1) making him watch Field of Dreams (an admittedly odd choice, but considering that Dan has always struck me as a 50-year old man, stuck in a 19-year old body, I guess we’re supposed to just go with it); and (2) buying him the most adorable little puppy EVER! Thanks Dan, you’ve officially just made that Mother Chucker even more irresistible than he was before. I didn’t think was possible . . .
“I’m Chuck Bass’ dog.”
Chuck, who honestly, never struck me as much of a “dog” person, or an “animal of any kind,” person, for that matter, seems adamantly against the idea of keeping the dog, which, of course, in TV speak, means the canine is pretty much guaranteed to become a series regular . . .
“Oh yeah, I’m getting my SAG Card, b*tches!”
But Chuck isn’t the only Upper East Sider Dan is trying to cure. For whatever reason, Dan seems positively OBSESSED with getting Blair to open the results of her paternity test, so that she can FINALLY find out whether Chuck or Louis, is, in fact, her baby daddy.
“Well, it definitely isn’t ME!”
In fact, Dan is SO interested in the answer to this question, that he and Dorota have been texting eachother like girlfriends, pretty much nonstop, ever since Blair found out she was pregnant. The two also have been pestering Blair to pick up, and open the results envelope, about every three minutes. (With friends like these, who needs stalkers?!)
Actually, I’d say the best part of pregnancy is when cute guys give up their seat on the subway for you . . . but what do I know?
Finally, after cornering Blair on the street, Dan gets the Queen B to pick up her paternity results from the hospital. But “picking up” the results, and actually opening them are two very different things! Dan, of course, thinks Blair should rip of the proverbial Baby Daddy band-aid, right away.
DAN: “Would you mind terribly if I read the results out loud, in my best reality game show host voice? I do a mean, Ryan Seacrest impersonation.”
But Blair manages to buy herself some time. She reminds her Donut-y friend that she has an important interview with Hello magazine that she does not want to ruin with her
eventual tears Inevitably Emotional Baby Discovery. Dan then reluctantly agrees to back off, until after the interview is over.
“Well, that’s more civilized,” Blair replies, relieved. “Unlike your hair,” she can’t help but add. “You look like a muppet.”
Now that she mentions it, Dan does have a bit of a Fozzie Bear thing going for him, doesn’t he?
At the interview, of course, Blair is asked questions about when her and Louis-bot will be starting their half-human, half-cyborg family. When Blair awkwardly deflects these questions, the interviewer informs her that Louis-bot has answered for her already. Apparently, during HIS interview, Louis told the folks at Hello magazine that he and Blair were not at all ready for children, and that a family was a LOOOOOONG way off.
“Tell me something, Blair. Can robot babies be breastfed, or do they only drink out of oil cans?”
Blair, of course, is crushed, not to mention petrified as to what Louis-bot’s response will be, when he finds out a “family” isn’t far off, at all. Rather, it’s less than nine months away!
“I hope he doesn’t short-circuit, when I tell him.”
To make matters worse, she receives a blast on Gossip Girl, which features Chuck taking his adorable little puppy back to the pound, a very, non-fatherly thing to do.
“Why is Chuck carrying Jenny Humphrey like that? Can’t she walk on her own?”
Convinced that neither of the baby’s potential fathers will be at all pleased to learn of her pregnancy, Blair tears up the paternity results (but not very well), and tosses them in a nearby wastebasket. (Riiiiight, because no one would EVER find them there!)
“I’ll fold up the results and make them into a paper crane . . . or maybe a stork . . .”
Blair then decides to go to a Fancy Schmancy Fashion Thingy, where she can walk the catwalk, and continue to be in denial of her expanding waistline , and uncertain Baby Daddy Future . . .
Meanwhile, over at the VDW household . . .
Welcome to the Mecca of Psychotic Freaks . . .
“Hey, that reminds me, did I ever tell you about the time I KILLED SOMEONE?”
A very apprehensive Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena, and the actual Serena have arrived back home. Noticing faux-Charlie’s discomfort, Serena immediately assumes that faux-Charlie is worried that the Upper East Siders won’t accept her, because last time she was here, she was a Total Wackjob, Who Had a Nervous Breakdown, and Pretty Much Single White Female-d Serena.
Though pretty much anywhere else in the world, these would be fabulous reasons not to accept someone, in the Upper East Side, crazy is apparently what passes for normal. Just ask Juliet, Georgina, Jenny Humphries, and, yes Serena! Serena describes the UES as a Mecca of Psychotic Freaks and a nervous breakdown as a right of passage.
“Who needs a Sweet 16, when you have your First Trip to the Ostroff Center?”
Faux-Charlie seems touched by Serena’s seemingly unfailing kindness and acceptance of her, but doesn’t know how long this charade can continue. Meanwhile, Serena reintroduces faux-Charlie to Blair. And though the latter doesn’t exactly welcome her with open arms, she doesn’t shun her either, for Serena’s sake.
BLAIR: (through her teeth) “Just keep smiling, and maybe she won’t chop our faces up into teeny tiny pieces, while we sleep.”
Faux-Charlie is quickly becoming enthralled with the Non Judging Breakfast Club. And she seems pretty certain that she doesn’t want to return to her old Poor Person’s life, anytime soon . . .
“Seriously, stop bringing stray dogs into this house. It stopped being cute, when you were about 13
and I realized you were actually sleeping with most of them.”
But then she overhears Serena talking to her mother, and learns that Carol Rhodes, Charlie’s REAL mother, and the person who hired her to impersonate Charlie, in order to gain access to her trust fund is on the hunt for her, and worse, is returning to the Upper East Side to collect her. Feeling trapped, faux-Charlie sees no other choice, but to leave town, before she is discovered. She calls her ex-boyfriend Max, and tells him she will meet him in Seattle, and then hails a cab.
“Now, I know how Cinderella felt when she got turned back into a pumpkin . . . wait . . . I think I got that wrong, somehow. One of these days, I’m definitely going to learn how to read.”
But Serena finds her outside. Uh-oh! Busted!
Thinking fast, faux-Charlie explains that she overheard Serena talking to her mother, and doesn’t want to be any trouble for the VDW’s. “I just feel like I don’t belong here,” faux Charlie pouts. (Gee, faux-Charlie, I wonder why that is . . . could it possibly be because you DON’T?) Eventually, Serena relents giving faux-Charlie a hug, as she enters the cab. But then a mischievious glint enters her eyes, and we just KNOW she is up to something. “Before you go, just do me a favor and return these Tickets for a Fancy Schmancy Fashion Event for me,” Serena says, more or less.
Undoubtedly, feeling a bit guilty for all she has put Serena through, since last season, Faux-Charlie agrees to run this errand for her.
Who knew Serena knew how to be devious? I always thought that was more Blair’s and Chuck’s forte?
When faux Charlie arrives at the fashion event, she quickly learns that Serena has arranged for HER to walk the runway in Serena’s place, despite the fact that Charlie is about a FOOT shorter than Serena, and could never, ever, EVER fit into her dress. On the dress Charlie is supposed to wear is a note that she should “live out her dreams.”
“Would you like some wine with that cheesiness?”
While preparing to walk the runway, faux-Charlie has an encounter with Blair, who, upon hearing that faux-Charlie is planning to leave, tells her that she should live the life that she wants.
“Yes, Faux-Charlie, live the life that you want, even if it just happens to be someone else’s life. I don’t about you, but I’ve always found identity theft to be SUPER inspiring . . .”
Little does Blair know that her small words of encouragement give birth to a monster. When Carol Rhodes arrives at the fashion event to chase faux-Charlie out of town (She was alerted to faux-Charlie’s deeds, upon finding her canceled check, from last week’s episode), Faux Charlie threatens HER, claiming that if she doesn’t let her assume Charlie’s life, Faux-Charlie will reveal all of Carol Rhodes’ monkey getting schemes, and bring HER down, right along with her. “This family that you HATE, has been kinder to me than my real family ever was,” Faux Charlie insists.
“You mean, you actually have a family? This whole time I thought you were raised by Keebler Elves.”
Toward the end of the episode, Charlie moves back into the VDW house, with a newly non-house arrested Lily and Rufus. Her and Carol share a cold hug, on Carol’s way out, “You are on your own now,” Carol tells her ominously.
. . . errr . . . I mean . . . my Charlie . . . oh . . . I mean . . . my Ivy, or whatever the f*&k you’re calling yourself these days . . .
Good luck, Faux Charlie! Something tells me you are going to need it, if you want to keep up this charade for the foreseeable future . . .
Speaking of those who aren’t sufficiently devious (or smart) . . .
Journalism for Dummies (like Nate)
“I liked you so much better, when I was banging you in my front yard.”
Today is Nate’s first day on the job as a “serious journalist.” Poor Naive Nate. He genuinely believes that Diana has hired him for his brains, and not for his . . . hot dog.
Chuck, of course, warns him of this, but he refuses to listen to reason. But then, when he arrives at the office, of course, Diana pulls him into her office, and starts to ravage him. Nate argues that this will not set a good impression on his co-workers, if the INTERN is having sex with the boss on the first day, as if he is her male prostitute. Diana agrees. So, she FIRES them!
“Sorry, average-looking people, you’re simply not attractive enough to be extas on this show.”
“Due to a recent botox injection, opening my mouth wide like this, is the only way I can show you I’m happy.”
Now, Nate is furious. It’s finally dawning on him why he was hired to take this job. He threatens to leave Diana’s internship for another one. So, Diana thinks fast, and offers him a “reporting gig.” The assignment is so ridiculous, the fact that it didn’t set off warning bells in Nate’s head immediately illustrates that he might very well be learning disabled. Nate’s “job” was to interview a senator and his snooty wife, NOT on the senator’s politics, but on his vacation to the Greek Isles.
“And if you REALLY want to see him squirm, ask him about his favorite color.”
Of course, the minute Nate asks about said Isles, it clues the Senator’s wife in to the fact that he is having an affair. (Don’t ask me how. Just go with it.) The wife storms off, telling the Senator she wants a divorce. And when Nate apologizes to the Senator, the latter says in a huff, “I thought you were the NICE one in the family.”
(Oh, but he IS the NICE One Senator! Unfortunately, he’s also the MORONIC ONE!)
Just be thankful you’re so pretty . . .
Now, Nate’s pissed at Diana AGAIN for being used as a pawn in her little game. As it turns out, Diana had arranged for everyone at this party to have their cell phones turned in. She did this so that she could get the Senator’s cell phone, which confirmed information about the affair. As it turns out, Diana doesn’t wish to make the Spectator into a “serious journalism” publication at all. Rather, she wants to make it a tabloid about the New York elite, by using the type of tactics that got News of the World shut down.
You know what that means, of course. Girlfriend is stomping on Gossip Girl’s toes . . . and getting PAID to do it. When Nate unwittingly suggests that Diana check ALL the cell phones taken at the party for a scoop, Diana thinks its a brilliant idea. Of course, she makes NATE do all the dirty work, as her sole, unpaid, employee.
“OK . . . so let me get this straight . . . so, now, I’m not getting laid . . . OR getting paid? What a crock!”
Nate considers the moral implications of this for about two seconds, before robotically doing Diana’s bidding.
“I know my dignity is in here somewhere . . .”
He gets a few human points back for not hijacking his friend’s phones: Chuck, Dan, Blair and Serena. However, the information Diana is able to mine off the cell phones he DID nab is enough for a BOOK . . . or at least a few issues of a trashy magazine.
One of the cell phone’s he DOES find is Faux-Charlie’s. Something tells me, Diana is going to find some VERY interesting stuff on THAT phone . . .
A Fashion “Don’t”
Oooh . . . do I smell another love triangle?
It isn’t a real Gossip Girl party without a humiliating cat fight, amongst our Upper East Siders. In a throwback to their quarrelsome internship days, this little wrestling session took place between Dan and Blair. It all started when Blair decided to ignore the results of her paternity test, and walk the runway. Dan wasn’t having that at all!
“Dair” to be a pest.
So, in a surprisingly bold (and definitely weird) moment, DAN pushes away celebrity Simon Noonan, and escorts Blair down the catwalk. Apparently, Dorota has taped up the paternity test from Blair’s trash (where, rumor has it her pee-covered pregnancy test is still sitting, and given it to Dan. (CREEPY!)
I hope you wore gloves, Dorota . . .
Dan keeps trying to stick the letter on Blair . . . under her armpit, down her dress, anywhere that will force her to read it. It’s a well-meaning gesture, I guess. But also immature . . . and weird. I mean, this takes being a supportive friend to a whole new level, doesn’t it.
A furious, and determined Blair, end up pushing Dan HARD into a nearby waiter, causing glasses and plates to fly everywhere. Nice going, Dan the Flying Donut!
“Don’t worry. I’m OK, I just felt like doing a little dance for you, called The Worm.”
Later, Blair and Dan share a sweet apology outside the party. Dan admits that he’s been WAY too involved in Blair’ test result, because he has been using them to try to avoid focusing on his OWN issues relating to the unwelcome publication of his novel. Blair admits to the fact that she came to Dan in the first place, because she knew he would help her to combat her darkest instincts. Dan finally gives Blair the paternity test letter and leaves her to her own private HELL.
“You DO realize this is the second time you’ve tackled me at public event, don’t you? Around Brookyln, we call that foreplay.”
We see her open it, and (maybe) look at the results. So, tell us Blair . . . WHO’S THE DADDY?
“Umm . . . Dan? I think you gave me the wrong letter. This one says I may have just won one million dollars from Publisher’s Clearing House.”
From The Inside Out . . .
“OK, Famous Author Person . . . I need you honest opinion on something. Do you really think I look like a muppet?”
Thanks to Chuck “taking one for the team” by having mediocre sex with some
VERY LUCKY publisher’s assistant, Dan now knows Simon & Schuester is the lucky publishing company that has nabbed his book, appropriately entitled “The Inside” (sounds vaguely dirty). Now, all he has to do is stop the proverbial presses. Dan decides to do this by stopping by his old pal and mentor Noah Shapiro to ask him for a favor. (Have you ever noticed how many curmudgeony, over 50 writer friends Dan has collected, over the course of five seasons? I can’t even keep track. They all look and act, exactly the same.
Chuck hilariously offers to lend Dan knee pads for his plea and grovel affair, which gives the meeting itself homoerotic undertones, that are perhaps unintended. Dan explains his plight to Noah. And Noah, in turn, gives him advice that would be solid and reliable, if Dan were anything but a character on Gossip Girl. “You want my advice . . . the easiest way to let a book to die, is let it be published. Have you seen the Bestseller’s list lately? In a month, you’re book will be half off, in a bargain bin,” he says, more or less.
I’m pretty sure this is EXACTLY what Dan Humphrey will look like in about 40 years . . . It’s almost as if he’s talking to himself . . . FROM THE FUTURE!
(Of course, we know that while this would probably be the case with ANY OTHER BOOK written by an anonymous college student, it will NOT be so, with Dan, because that would make for an incredibly lame storyline. Nevertheles, Dan seems comforted by Noah’s assurances, and leaves with some weight lifted off his shoulders.)
If this were a “Nate” storyline, instead of a “Dan” one, these two would have (1) already had sex, (2) already started dating, and (3) she would already have a DEEP DARK SECRET she was hiding from him. Instead, I doubt we’ll ever see this woman again. Sucks for her.
But the next day, Dan return to Noah’s office and learns from his assistant that NOAH is coming forward as if HE wrote “The Inside.” Dan is livid, but conflicted. On one hand, this would get him off the hook with his friends and the new object of his affection. On the other hand, this IS his first published novel, so . . . NO FAIR! Dan, of course, turns to his new bromantic buddy Chuck for advice. And Chuck basically tells him to “poo or get off the pot,” as far as this novel is concerned.
So, Dan manages to get some balls, and decides to poo. By this, I mean he tracks down Noah at dinner with “friends,” and publicly announces that HE, not Noah, wrote “The Inside.” Suddenly, the whole table is clapping, including Noah. It turns out the whole thing was a set up to get Dan to come clean about his authorhip of the book, which had been published anonymously. Noah then invites Dan to sit down and meet his entire publishing and marketing team. That’s right . . . because major publishers and agents ALWAYS spend this much time and energy on anonymous first-time novelists. I guess we are just supposed to believe the book is “SOOO GOOD,” that it merits all this fuss . . .
“Yes! I’m totally going to be the next Stephenie Meyer . . . except not Mormon . . . and not . . . you know . . . a woman.”
I’ll believe it when I see it .. .
When Dan arrives home, he is greeted with a copy of his book (the cover of which, looks suspiciously similar to that of the first Gossip Girl book – how meta), even though it seems as though it was just picked up for publication, at most, a couple of months ago. (These sort of things typically take at least a year from publication agreement to ACTUAL publication, particularly for an unknown writer. But like I said . . . Dan is just SOOOO GOOD.
And next week, based on the promos, it seems we will get to find out just HOW good he is . . . You better not let me down, Humphrey Dumpty. 🙂
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for . . .
And the Daddy Is . . .
Blair visits CHUCK’S APARTMENT! When he first turns around to see her standing there, he blinks twice, as if he thinks it must be a dream. Blair is clearly effected by the reunion as well, as she stands stock still in the doorway, shaking, her eyes just minutes away from overflowing with tears. “I need to talk to you,” she says, shaking her head, as if to give herself the courage she needs to do what she needs to do. An unprepared Chuck even wonders out loud whether this is a ploy by Dan to get Chuck to “feel” something. (If so, that would be a mighty mean ploy.)
Blair doesn’t beat around the bush. She tells Chuck that she’s pregnant, and pauses, while she lets that piece of information sink in. Chuck tries to be non reactive, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who caught a glimpse of hope, and adoration in his eyes, as he attempts to work out the math in his head. But then Blair says it’s Louis-Bot’s (NOOO, IT’ CAN’T BE! CAN IT? SURELY, SHE’S LYING!), and Chuck quickly masks his heartbreak as seamlessly as he can. We see him look away for a second, eyes shut tight, before he turns back to Blair again.
He hopes to appear cold and aloof, but GG fans know he is brimming with emotion, and Blair can feel it, as well. Chuck notes that Blair must be relieved that the baby is not his, because THAT would have derailed her Princess fairytale. Blair flinches a bit at this, noting that this fairytale is more complicated than it would first appear.
Cue Monkey, Chuck’s new dog to come nipping at Blair’s feet. Already, I’m loving Monkey. He’s an awesome wingman. it’s as if he knows instinctively that Blair read that blast on Gossip Girl about Chuck returning him to the pound, and wants her to know that Chuck DOES have love in his heart, for animals, and, yes, for little tiny humans, as well. Blair kneels down to pet Monkey, as she asks Chuck about the Gossip Girl blast. “I took him to get fixed. I figured it was the responsible thing to do
kind of like, you know, wearing a condom, before you have sex at a stranger’s Bar Mitzvah. Blair winces at this, message sent and received.
But if the encounter between Chuck and Blair has turned a bit sour, Blair brings it back to sweet, with this line, “You know, there was a part of me that wished it was yours.”
Chuck blinks at this, as if to say, “a part of me wishes it was mine as well.” When Blair tells Chuck that she should leave, Chuck agrees, but only because he seems about ready to burst, and doesn’t want Blair to see him breakdown. The entire encounter is truly heartbreaking. And yet, it is nothing compared to final scene, which I will get to, in just a bit. You can rewatch the ENTIRE Chuck / Blair encounter, by clicking below (provided this video doesn’t get snatched from YouTube, before you have a chance to watch):
Later, we see Blair sharing the good (but possibly false) news with Louis-bot. The Prince of Monaco is overjoyed at the prospect of being a father (though the computer chip in the back of his brain prevents him from showing any more than a modicum of emotion). Blair, of course, then asks him about his interview with Hello Magazine, in which he said he didn’t want kids for a long time. And Louis replies, very smoothly, I might add that Louis only said this to prevent the press from hounding Blair about starting a family before she was ready.
Just nod and smile, Louis-bot . . . You don’t really have to understand what she’s saying . . .
Blair is clearly touched by Louis-bot’s sensitivity to her needs, and gives him a big ole hug. But then, when he leaves, she stupidly shoves the paternity test results in her drawer, as opposed to shredding them, or throwing them away.
Whether or not the results actually CONFIRM Louis-bot as the father, the fact that Blair has so poorly hidden her paternity test makes me feel as though part of her is subconsciously trying to sabotage her so-called fairytale, by increasing the odds that Louis-bot will find the test results. Even if they do confirm that he’s the father, the test results will undoubtedly show Louis-bot that the baby’s paternity was doubted. And if they confirm that Chuck is the father, well . . .
Speaking of Chuck, remember how I said that the last scene of the episode, was by far the most heartbreaking. Well, it involves Chuck, lying in bed, finally able to feel the wounds he sustained in his chest, as a result of the motorcycle accident. He clutches his side, as tears roll down his cheeks, emphasizing that the realization that he may have lost Blair forever has cured his aversion disorder. But more than anything, Chuck’s heart hurts, and he’s holding that for dear life.
That’s when Monkey, Chuck’s new best friend and ultimate wingman, sweetly hops up on the bed to comfort Chuck. First, he rests his head on Chuck’s stomach. But then, seeing that this is not enough to staunch his new master’s pain, he places his head on Chuck’s chest, as Chuck holds his new pet close, kisses him on the forehead, and finds himself finally able to cry in earnest for the one true love of his life . . .
Grab your Kleenex, because I’ve provided you a link to what is surely going to go down in history, as one of GG’s most memorable and heartbreakingly beautiful scenes, right here:
And that’s all she wrote GG fans. But if you want to get a peak at what HE wrote, check out this promo for next week’s GG installment, entitled, “Memoirs of an Invisible Dan,” here:
Until next time, Upper East Siders. And please, while you wait, whatever you do, don’t spank your Monkey!