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Hold on to your heart! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Killer”

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“With all the stress of My First Murder, I forgot to clean my bathroom, this week.  Do you think anyone will notice?”

Greetings Fangbangers!  This week’s installment of TVD was all about the things we do for love!

For example, Connor Jordan loved his Presto Chango / Invisible Ink tattoo so much, he spent all his spare time feeding it with dead vampires . . . even though doing that meant he had to live in a lame trailer, have no friends, and never ever get laid, despite being massively sexy, in a psychotic sort of way.

Klaus Mikaelson loves his hybrids so much that he is willing to send them all to certain death, in order to protect Elena (his hybrid-making machine) Yeah, it doesn’t make sense to me either.

Damon loves Stefan so much, that he is willing to actually stick his hand inside his brother’s chest, just so that he can hold on to the latter’s heart, while the two are engaged in casual conversation . . .

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“I don’t know, Stefan . . . I kind of thought it would be . . . bigger.”

So hold on to your heart strings, watch out for trip wires, and try not to let your imaginary friend bloody up your bathroom, because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

Fun with Hypnosis . . .

Here’s something new!  Meet Professor Boo Radley Shane.  He is a freak of nature in Mystic Falls, because, unlike any other male character on this show, he actually gives more craps about keeping Bonnie alive than Elena.  So WEIRD, right?

*text messages writers, and orders them to kill off Professor Shane in three episodes*

Last week, TVD fans were shocked to learn that Professor Boo Radley and the hot-yet-destined-to-die-in-four-episodes Connor McVampire Killer were in COHOOTS with one another!

Oh no!  Not COHOOTS, anything but COHOOTS!

Actually, we weren’t all that shocked, because we could generally care less about Professor Boo Radley and his snoozy classes at Fakey McFake University.  But that’s neither here nor there . . .

Anywhoo . . . this week, Professor Boo Radley and Muscles Van Trailer Park chat cryptically about their plans for our Scooby Gang.  Muscles’ plan involves basically murdering them all, so he can finish his Magic Body Maze, and learn his character’s own back story.

“It would be a shame to die without ever knowing why God made me look so good naked  . . .”

Professor Boo Radley’s plans are a bit more hazy.  In fact, we still have no clue what they are, beyond the fact that, in order for them to work, Bonnie has to be not-dead.

To be honest, nothing much happens in this part of the story.  Basically, Professor Boo Radley uses Jedi mind tricks, boring speeches about “not fearing your witchy powers,” and his complete lack of personality to  lull our resident witch into a comatose stupor for seven hours.  This way, she’ll forget to be the plot device that rescues all the more important characters on the show!

No need to be embarrassed, Bonnie.  Most of the audience fell asleep during this part too.

And guess what?  His EvilGenius! Plan works!  P.S. Bonnie also lit some candles with her MIND, which is SUPER COOL . . .

Yeah, because THAT’S not a fire hazard at all . . .

. . . or, at least it was super cool . . . You know, before we discovered electricity, and stuff  . . .

Speaking of mental manipulation . . .

Sorry, April Young!  It looks like we are going to have to erase your brain again, this week!

It’s characters like April Young that make me wonder about the cumulative effects of vampire compulsion on the human psyche.  Have you ever pressed so hard, while using an eraser, that you poked a hole in the paper?  That’s what I fear is starting to happen to April Young’s brain.

*crickets*

I mean, think about it.  Girlfriend has been compelled at least once in every single solitary episode in which she’s appeared.  She’s already lost at least five days of her life.   Possibly more.  How much longer, before her brain just gets tired of being erased, and starts staying empty, as a form of self defense?

It wouldn’t be the first time . . .

When we first see April, this week, she’s paying a visit to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls to inquire after her good buddy, Rebekah.  You guys remember, Rebekah, right?  Cute . . . blonde . . .  met the pointy side of the Nap Time for Originals Dagger, last week .  . .

Matt doesn’t have a clue where Klaus Barbie is hiding.   And he doesn’t care, thank you very much!  In fact, Matt’s much more concerned with the whereabouts of a certain Mini Gilbert, who is (gasp) 30 minutes late for work . . .

This is bad . . . especially when you consider the fact that Matt and Jeremy seem to be the only two people who actually work at this bar.  Seriously, I’ve never seen a manager, another waiter, or bartender . . . not even a dishwasher.  Nobody ever seems to lift a plate in this place, aside from CinderMatt.  If anyone is in need of a Fairy Godmother, it’s this guy!

Sorry Matt, it turned back into a pumpkin at midnight . . .

Little does Matt know that JerBear is currently being held at gunpoint by Baldy Vin Sexyvillain.

The latter then promptly takes Matt and April hostage too, right there in the bar.  Now, that’s just inconsiderate!  What the heck are the town’s resident alcoholics going to do, when they see the sign outside the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls that says : Closed Due to Hostage Crisis.  Come Back Later?

Alaric Saltzman must be rolling over in his grave!

I hope, for their sakes, that the Only Liquor Store in Mystic Falls opens early . . .

Connor then sends out a text message to Klaus, Stefan, Damon and Tyler, warning them that if they don’t retrieve their pet humans by sundown, HEADS WILL ROLL . . .

“Yippee!  I can add them to my collection!”

Hmmm . . . I’m just curious how Connor managed to get all these guys’ cell phone numbers.  Do they come free with the tattoo?

Back home, it’s time for another Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Development, courtesy of our Scooby Gang.  We haven’t had one of those in a while, have we?  True to form, both Damon and Tyler are all, “Let’s kill this Hunky Bastard!  Villains on this show, who aren’t Klaus, are only supposed to live three episodes.  He’s already had four!  Dude is on borrowed time, Man!”

“Don’t be greedy, Connor.  It’s time to let the next bad guy move into the Villain Timeshare Trailer.”

Also true to form, Stefan is all, “Let’s not kill the Big Bad Vampire Hunter, because killing is bad . . . except, when I’m the Ripper, because then killing is awesomeP.S. My boyfriend Klaus evoked the “Save Elena” clause in our F*ck Buddy contract, rendering me puddy in his Big Burly Original Hybrid Hands.

“Oops, wrong season.  What I mean to say is . . .”

Humans are blessed creatures, even the ones who like to chop off our heads and use them as hat racks.”

Though Elena’s fierce love for her brother, and new-found vampire-y killer instincts, make her more partial to Damon’s and Tyler’s point of view, she ultimately decides to support Saint Stefan, and his lame, non-violent, approach to hostage rescue . . . at least, for now BO-RING!

Speaking of Elena, for someone who supposedly LOOOOOVES Stefan . . . only Stefan . . . always Stefan . . . she sure was quick to find an excuse to jump Damon in bed, straddle him, and taunt him with a phallic object, wasn’t she?

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Some of my favorite Damon and Elena moments, last season, featured them aggressively fondling one another, while trading grunts and moans of ecstasy “training to fight vampires.”  So, it was really nice to see that sexy, rough and tumble, aspect of their relationship revisited this week.

“For someone who doesn’t want to be like me, you sure are good at it,” Damon notes, with a mixture of admiration and apparent arousal, as Elena hovers breathlessly over him, a tantalizing prelude to something more . . .

Later on in the episode, Stefan will complain that he doesn’t “recognize” the person post-vampire Elena has become.  But, to me, Damon’s and Elena’s flirtatious fight scenes are proof that Elena’s fierceness and aggressive nature existed long before she drowned, underneath the Wickory Bridge . . .

Speaking of aggressive . . .

Tyler Lockwood . . . not quite as big of a male slut as we once thought . . .

It’s been a while since we’ve seen Caroline’s kitty claws come out, in defense of her man.  But that’s exactly what happened this week, when she came face-to-face with Hayley, i.e. the werewolf who watched Tyler get naked and sweaty repeatedly for six months, while he “broke his sire bond.”  (Now, if that doesn’t sound like a euphemism for sex, I don’t know what does!)

Now, of course,  I always am, and always will be 100% Team Caroline.  That said, I couldn’t help but grudgingly respect Hayley for refusing to engage in a girl fight with Caroline, despite being provoked to do so.  “I don’t do Girl Drama.  Talk to Ty,” she said coolly, before exiting, stage left.

Later, Caroline’s “I’m being cheated on” senses start tingling again, when she spots Tyler and Hayley embracing over the shared lost of a mutual hybrid friend.  (More on that unlucky bastard, later.)

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“Why is my boyfriend dry humping the mean witch from The Secret Circle?”

Tyler, of course, assures Caroline that he and Hayley are “just friends.”  (We’ve all heard that one before, haven’t we?)

But Tyler takes his defense one step further, explaining that he and Hayley are actually plotting a Hybrid Revolt against Klaus, whereby they will teach other hybrids to break the “I am Klaus’ B*tch” hold he has over all of them.  He claims to have allowed Klaus to believe he was cheating on Caroline with Hayley, in order to throw him off the scent of what was really going on . . .

Do we believe Tyler?  For now, I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Then again, it’s possible that the fact that Tyler looks so great with his shirt off is clouding my judgement.

Mmmmmm . . . pretttttttttyyyyyy

I guess we will soon find out, either way . . .

Stefan Salvatore . . . proving once again that you don’t actually have to be a hybrid to be Klaus’ b*tch . . .

While Klaus is away playing Find the Majestic Penis Sword, his boyfriend Stefan keeps himself busy, by carrying out the former’s Super Secret Plan to extract Villain-of-the-Week Connor and his Magical Maze tattoo from the hostage den.  This way, Team Ripper can use Connor’s hot bod to Cure Elena of Icky Vampirism.

Klaus and Stefan . . . saving The World . . . one Brokeback Mountain at a time . . .

Klaus gets his hybrids.  Stefan gets his “angelic girlfriend” back.  And Elena can stop writing massively depressing diary entries, like the one she wrote at the beginning of the episode.  Everybody wins, right?

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Now, remind me why this “plan” had to be kept a Super Secret, again?  Because it seems to me that both Damon and Elena would have been a lot more amenable to following Stefan’s lead, had he actually TOLD them why he was doing things this way.  Instead, Stefan just acted shady, ignored both of their phone calls, and . . . oh yeah . . . STAKED DAMON WITH VERVAIN, AND STOLE HIS SUNSCREEN RING!

This is probably one of those situations where plot necessity gets in the way of character consistency and logic, right?

I thought so . . .

Unnecessary secrecy aside, Klaus’ and Stefan’s “Master Plan” to “save” Connor seemed kind of . . . how do I put this nicely . . . dumb?  I mean, come on, here is a guy who loves killing vampires so much that he’s WALKING AROUND WITH THE DECAPITATED HEAD OF THE ONE HE KILLED IN THE LAST EPISODE, and using it’s spit to make explosives.  (By the way, do decapitated heads really continue to produce saliva?  Creepy!)

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We’re not exactly talking garden-variety evil here.  This dude is f*&ked up with a capital “F.”  And he’s got three people you care about,  in his clutches.  (Well . . . two people you care about,  and one April.)

Now, I’m no army strategist.  But to me, when you have soldiers in danger, in a room, that is likely rigged with explosives, sending in one of your men to basically get himself, and everyone else in the place, blown up (Sorry, random hybrid with the literal gaping hole in your heart!), seems like a BAD IDEA.

Meanwhile, back in the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Current Vampire Hunter Connor continues to flirt with his hostage Future Vampire Hunter Jeremy, in what I imagine is some form of Reverse Stockholm Syndrome.  Hunky McCrazy brags to Jeremy that he is so gung ho about killing vamps, he even killed his best friend, after she became one.  Aww, what a sweet story!

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Elsewhere, Matt, i.e. the second-to-last-person-in-Mystic-Falls-to-learn-that-vampires-exist, tries to tell April, i.e. the-only-person-in-Mystic-Falls-to-not-know-vampires-exist that this hostage situation is perfectly normal, and has absolutely nothing to do with supernatural creatures, NO SIR!  In the back of the bar, Matt manages to find the opening to some underground railroad tunnel, which, conveniently enough is the route by which our  Scooby Gang is planning its rescue.

“I mean, seriously April, how could Stefan be a vampire, when he doesn’t even sparkle like that Twilight guy?

Hovering over a still unconscious Damon, Elena sees an explosion go off at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, and becomes restless to save her baby bro.  She tells Damon that even though she is a week-old vampire, she should TOTALLY be able to take on a supernaturally-endowed Vampire Hunter who has already beaten the crap out of multiple hybrids, not to mention, Damon, himself!

Damon, who’s strong desire to get into Elena’s vampire pants, seems to have clouded his judgment a bit this week, says “Sure!  Go ahead.  Put yourself in harms way, and battle the murderous psychopath, who already almost killed you with werewolf venom, once.  No problem!”

“Doh!  Must . . . stop . . . thinking  . . . with . . . weiner . . .”

By the time Elena arrives at the Only Bar . . . etc. a hostage standoff is already in progress.  Stefan is trying to convince Connor to “turn himself in” so that he can “learn his backstory from Klaus.”  Elena overhears this, and is furious.  She enters, pleading for Jeremy’s life, and, when that fails, vamps out on the vampire hunter’s ass.

Elena gets so invested in her own fighting skills, she fails to notice that (1) Connor has shot Jeremy; and (2) Stefan took Connor out of the room five minutes ago.  Elena has been fighting with herself the whole time.  HAHA!

*texts writers, instructing them to kill off the mean, snarky, TV Recapper within three episodes”

While curing her brother with her vampire blood, Elena learns about Jeremy’s recent Nude Art Escapades with Connor, and how Stefan compelled him to forget it all.  Furious, Elena heads out in pursuit of the Guy-Who-Almost-But-Didn’t-Quite-Kill-Her-Brother-Ex-Boyfriend-and-Some-Chick-Named-April . . .

Meanwhile, Damon meets Stefan in the tunnel for a little heart-to-heart . . . and by heart-to-heart, I mean, Damon grabs a hold of Stefan’s heart inside his chest, and starts wiggling his hand around, while the two engage in conversation.  Stefan thinks to himself, “Hey, that tickles!”

He also thinks to himself, “Now would probably be a good time to tell Damon about the whole “Cure for Elena’s Vampirism” thing.

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This convinces Damon to give Stefan back his heart.  But it would have convinced me to PULL IT OUT!  I’d be so pissed off, if I were Damon.  I’d be bashing Stefan’s heart with a sledgehammer, while screaming at the top of my lungs.  “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.  IF YOU DIDN’T DO THIS, WE COULD HAVE SKIPPED OVER NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE ENTIRELY, AND GONE STRAIGHT TO THE MISS MYSTIC FALLS ONE!  I WANT TO GET MY DANCE ON, DAMMIT!”

Oh, and I almost forgot . . . Elena killed Connor.  . .

That’s right . . . first she bit him, than she broke his neck, then she tried to bury him, with his dried blood still caked across her mouth.

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Honestly, I’ll never understand that.  What exactly do vampires have against napkins?

“Don’t worry.  This isn’t blood.  I’m just really bad at putting on lipstick.”

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Damon and Stefan find a very distraught Elena in the woods, and silently marvel at her uncanny ability to screw up all Scooby Gang plans, even the ones she isn’t aware exist.  They decide not to tell her about the whole “cure for vampirism” thing.  You know, because keeping secrets from one another has served the SO well, in the past . . .

DAMON:  “Hey Stefan, you have a little something on your shirt.”

STEFAN:  “Yeah, and whose fault is that, ASSHOLE?”

In other “secrets” news, Mini Gilbert’s got a bitchin’ new tattoo!  I guess Connor was right, when he said, once he dies someone new will take his place.  And we all know how much fun Jeremy had wacking off the noggin of that hybrid, last season, right?  He’ll complete the Magic Maze in no time!

“Why do I have this sudden urge to murder my sister?”

Oh, and Jeremy also gave April Young his vervain bracelet, to keep her brain from turning into cottage cheese, as a result of all of that compulsion.  (You might remember it as the bracelet Jeremy received from Anna back in Season 1.  This only serves to remind me of how much cooler Anna was than April.  *sigh*)

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Apparently, hunters who descend from The Five are immune to compulsion anyway, so he won’t be needing it anymore.  Still, it’s a pretty significant sacrifice to make for a guest star, who will probably be dead in three episodes, anyway.  Then again, I guess, once she dies, you can take back the bracelet, Jer Bear.

In which Damon Salvatore loves Elena Gilbert just the way she is . . . even though she forgets to wipe her mouth, after she eats

In what was probably my second favorite scene in the episode (the first, obviously being the Delena Straddle Sex one), Damon agrees to help Stefan continue to search for the cure for Elena’s vampirism.  During their conversation, Stefan admits to being not all that crazy about the fanger Elena is becoming.

To which, Damon gallantly responds . . .

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Who would have thought the nefarious Damon we met back in early Season 1 would end up being the Salvatore brother more capable of unconditional love?

As I mentioned earlier, I find it hard to believe, and a bit disconcerting, that Elena has been a vampire for only about a week, and already Stefan is complaining that he “doesn’t recognize her.”  Really?  Because, aside from the occasional vamp out, she doesn’t seem all that different to me.  In fact, I kind of wish the writers would be bold enough to explore her darkside more, not less . . .

If there was ever any doubt in my mind that Stefan idealized and put Human Elena on a pedestal, it’s gone now . . .

Speaking of gone, it appears that Elena’s mind is taking a little detour.  In the final scene of the episode, she envisions her bathroom bathed in blood, and the word “Killer” etched on her bathroom mirror.

Is this merely a psychological manifestation of the guilt Elena feels over her first kill?  Has she accidentally stepped into a straight-to-video version of the I Know What you did Last Summer film franchise?

Or, is something more sinister afoot.

Tune in next week to find out.  Until then, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

There Goes My Baby – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Fasting and The Furious”

BLAIR: “Your mother is requiring my baby to have an oil change, and a battery recharge, every month?  But that doesn’t make any sense! No human child needs Double D Batteries to live!” 

LOUIS-BOT: *whistles uncomfortably*

(By the way, special  thanks to Home of the Nutty, for the gorgeous screencaps you see here.)

Greetings Upper East Siders!  It’s Yom Kippur in Gossip Girl World, a.k.a. The Day of Atonement, a.k.a. HUNGRY DAY.  What better time could there possibly be to tell your parents that you’ve been knocked up by a robot prince, than when they are too delirious with hunger to be truly disappointed in you for it?  Clearly, this is Blair’s and Louis-bot’s reasoning, when they finally confront their parents with news of Blair’s pregnancy, at the start of the episode.

ELEANOR: “But how is that even possible, Blair?   He’s a robo . . .”

CYRUS: (interrupts) “Now, now Eleanor, there’s no need to be rude toward our cyborg future son-and-law (through his teeth) we don’t want the Queen to have us beheaded.” 

QUEEN SOPHIE: “Yippee.  I always knew you would be a marvelous baby making machine.  You have spectacular child-bearing hips.  That said, you WILL agree to unplug murder the child, in the event that it’s not a boy, right? 

Blair’s and Louis-bot’s gamble, in choosing to reveal this information when they did, actually seems to be a good one.  After all, aside from Blair’s mom’s reminder that Blair hasn’t finished college yet (I’m glad SOMEBODY remembered!), the parental units seem to take the baby news shockingly well.  Of course, this does move up the couple’s wedding plans, just a bit.  “We don’t want another bastard on our hands!” Sophie jokes pointedly.

Hmmm . . . did she mean a bastard, as in a child born to an unwed mother?  Or a BASS-tard?

“I’m Baby Bass.” 

Doing it Doggy Style. . .

Meanwhile, elsewhere in town, the Dan /Chuck /Monkey bro-dog-mance continues . . .

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Apparently, Dan has bought a little gift for Monkey.  It’s a black, shiny S&M collar.  How thoughtful!

“You know, Dan.  If you want to play dirty sex games with me, all you have to do is ask.” 

Upon seeing the naughty collar, Chuck gleefully notes that he knows a lot of women, who would look good in it, which basically means, that a lot of Chuck’s sexual partners have REALLY thick necks . . .

Not you, Blair.  YOUR neck is perfectly proportioned. 

It’s not all that surprising that Dan is showering Chuck and Monkey with sex toys, when you consider that, at this point in the story, Chuck and his trusty canine sidekick are they only people on the show who don’t HATE DAN’S GUTS.  I mean, Dan’s own DAD isn’t even returning his calls, for crying out loud!

“I don’t know why you’re mad, Rufus.  If it weren’t for me, you would never have gotten that job offer to be on Real Househusbands of NYC.” 

Always one to look on the bright side of things, Chuck reminds Dan that, at least now, all his so-called friends and family are ignoring them, because they hate him . . . as opposed to before, when they ignored him, because they didn’t know he existed.   (Good point!)  Someone who DID always seem to know Dan existed was Serena.  And when she calls Dan and invites him out for coffee, the Dopey Donut becomes immediately convinced his days as a Social Pariah are over . . .

Haha!  Sucks for him!

Silly Dan!  Clearly, he hasn’t watched the first four seasons of Gossip Girl.  Because, if he did, he would know that nobody forgives ANYONE on this show, without getting horrible revenge on them for whatever bad thing they’ve done, first.

Meanwhile, Monkey — who clearly takes after his owner — starts sniffing the butt of some seemingly random shrink’s dog . . .

“I’m Monkey Bass . . . and you have a nice ass.” 

This, of course, gives Chuck the “fabulous” idea that he and the lucky shrink should ALSO be sniffing eachother’s butts.  After all, what’s good enough for Monkey is good enough for Chuckie, right?  Shrink Lady immediately assesses Chuck as someone who’s in need of some serious sexual favors psychological help.  So, she offers him her business card.

“For a good time, call . . .” 

Chuck wastes absolutely no time, plopping himself on Shrink-o’s therapy couch, and propositioning her . . .

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Unfortunately, Shrink-o REJECTS HIM!

The way I see it, there can only be three logical reasons for this: (1) she is a lesbian; (2) she is blind; or (3) she watches Gossip Girl, is a huge Chair fan, and isn’t willing to be this season’s Lame Plot Device to keep the happy couple apart . . .

“Hey!  I resemble that remark.” 

Whatever the reason, Chuck ends up leaving his first “therapy session,” with nothing but a $250 invoice, and a pair of these . . .

But, hey, at least he still has Monkey to keep him warm at night . . .

 .  . . which is more than can be said for a certain Dopey Donut . . .

Inside: The Movie (Based on a Best Selling Novel by Humpty Humphrey)

“When I portrayed you in my book as a shallow, drunken, slut, with no redeeming qualities, whatsoever, I meant it in the nicest way possible.”

Having been tasked by her new boss, Cruella Deville, with the assignment of securing the film rights for Dan’s SPECTACULAR novel, Serena is forced to suck up her pride, and invite her ex-boyfriend, F. Scott Fitzjackass, out for coffee. On the surface, Serena seems to play very nice with Dopey Donut.  But, if you watch her closely, you can tell she’s secretly plotting ways to murder him, by lighting his muppet-esque hair on fire .  . .

Dan, of course, is oblivious to all of this, and informally offers Serena the movie rights to his book, without a second thought.  But then, after Dan leaves the shop, his Evil ASS-istant (HATE HER!)  . . .

“Hi Dan.  I’m on my way out to eat some puppies, and smother newborn babies with pillows, but before I do that, let me entice you to do something else that will make your friends hate your guts . . .”

 . .  . calls to tell him that Harvey Weinstein wants the movie rights to Gossip Girl Inside.  So, of course, now Dan’s all “Serena, WHO?”

*insert game show buzzer noise*

Meanwhile, in the storyline that nobody’s cared about for weeks, but, which suddenly got interesting, in the last few seconds of this episode . . .

Blah, Blah, Blah Charlie/Ivy/ Call Me Serena, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blackmail / Spying

“Wake up, Faux Charlie, things are about to get exciting . . . for a change.” 

After information about Diana’s Poor Little Rich People Cell Phone Heist from last week is leaked to Gossip Girl, Diana finds, much to her chagrin, that her tawdry tabloid website cannot go live yet, without making Diana’s illegal deeds TOTALLY obvious to Manhattan’s elite.  Desperate for an alternative news source, Diana propositions both the blackmailed Faux Charlie, and Sex Toy Nate to find out information about their “pals” the Bass’ and Van Der Woodsens.

NATE: “You know, one of these days, I’m going to get a REAL storyline . . . one that doesn’t involve me getting manipulated by the middle-aged guest star my character is currently boning.”

DIANA: “It’s good to have to dreams . . .” 

Back at the Van Der Woodsen Mansion, Moronic Lily inexplicably tells Faux Charlie all about the Big Bad Safe filled with Big Bad Van Der Woodsen and Bass Family Secrets, before leaving with Rufus to attend the Waldorf’s Yom Kippur Thingy.

“I’d gladly leave you the combination to the safe, so that you could break in and use the Top Secret Information contained inside to destroy our lives.  Unfortunately, I don’t know how to count past the number five.” 

Charlie eventually entices Nate to help out with her “devious” plan.  Nate, for his part, secures the combination to the safe from Chuck Bass, who had broken into it with Serena once before.  (And, of course, the Van Der Woodsens didn’t think to change the combination, since then.  HOW IDIOTIC CONVENIENT!)

The combination to the safe ends up being Chuck’s mother’s birthday.  (Remember that . . . because it ends up being important later.)

After opening the safe, and extracting the documents hidden therein, Nate suddenly has a crisis of conscience.  He doesn’t want to deliver the information to Diana, even if it means he’ll never be the next John F. Kennedy, Jr.  (Umm  . . . Nate, next time, you might want to try having a role model who DOESN’T DIE REALLY YOUNG in a FREAK PLANE CRASH!  Just sayin’.).  Nate also reminds Charlie that, because she’s supposedly RELATED to the Van Der Woodsen’s, she probably shouldn’t want to expose their deep dark secrets, EITHER!

“Oh, that’s right.  For a second there, I forgot I was pretending to actually be a member of this f*&ked up, dysfunctional, family.  Thanks for reminding me.” 

Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena pretends to return the information to the safe, for Nate’s benefit.  But, of course, she ends up turning it over to Diana, anyway.  Now, HERE is where things finally get interesting . . .

“Don’t you wish every family had a folder conveniently labeled ‘Big Bad Family Secrets?’  It would make the often time-consuming art of successful blackmail SO much more efficient . . .” 

Diana surprises viewers, by actually RETURNING the folders to Faux-Charlie, claiming that none of the information contained within them is remotely newsworthy.  But then, after Faux-Charlie leaves, we see that Diana has kept ONE particular piece of information from Bart Bass’ folder.   It is . . . wait for it . . . a PICTURE OF DIANA from when she was a bit younger . . . like . . . say TWENTY YEARS YOUNGER.  (Now, how old is Chuck Bass again? ;))

Remember how I said that the fact that the combination to Bart’s safe was Chuck Bass’ mother’s birthday was significant?  Is it possible that Diana is Chuck’s long lost mother, once thought to be dead?

Though Diana burned the picture in question, before it could inevitably fall into the wrong hands, I think it’s VERY safe to say that this little tidbit of information is destinted to haunt the Upper East Side, sometime in the very near future . . .

Shrink-Wrapped Bass

Speaking of Chuck, he strikes out with the Good Doctor AGAIN, at the Waldorf’s Yom Kippur thingy.  (This has to be a record for him.)  What’s worse, as a consulation prize to sleeping with her, she decides to give him a free impromptu therapy session, right there in the street.  And the results are NOT pretty . . .

“That will be another $250, thank you for your time.” 

OK.  Now we know, FOR SURE, that the Shrink-o is a huge Gossip Girl fan.  Because she psycho-analyzes poor Chuck to a TEE!  She basically tells him that he never had a childhood, and therefore acts like a child, in all the worst ways.  She then explains to him that he pays for sex, so that he can always be in control.

“Your superficial connections, and lack of authentic emotion leave you isolated and alone . . . not just tonight, always.  I wish you all the best.  But you are going to need more than that to lead a happy and normal life,” she concludes.

 “Oh, and while we’re at it, why the heck did you f*&k that Raccoon Zombie, Jenny Humphrey, back in Season 3?  That was SO whack!  And don’t even get me started on that Raina thing . . .”

Wow, Lady!  Why don’t you tell Chuck, how you really feel?

*sniffles* “She was just SO MEAN!  All I wanted to do was give her the best sex she ever had in her long boring life!”

Of course, it seems more than a bit unrealistic that this woman — without being psychic, or spending hours with a Gossip Girl DVD box set — could surmise all of this about Chuck, after reading a few tabloid stories, and spending all of three minutes with him.  But what kept the scene from being completely ridiculous was Ed Westwick’s acting ability.  Watching Chuck take in this all-too-accurate assessment of his personality was pretty darn heartbreaking, as his glib cocky smile, gradually gave way to understanding, and, ultimately, depression . . .

Someone needs a hug . . . 

Westwick’s sublime mastery of this difficult scene almost makes me forget the fact that (1) Chuck came to this EXACT same realization last week, with Lily, making the shrink’s monologue a bit redundant; and (2) there was not a SINGLE Chair scene to be had in this ENTIRE episode . . .  ALMOST.

*silently seething* 

Anywhoo, at the end of the episode, Chuck calls this same shrink, but this time to set up a GENUINE appointment for some much-needed therapy . . .

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And if the CANADIAN PROMO for the next episode is any indication, this psychotherapy is going to have a MAJOR impact on the Chair relationship.  Now, whether that impact ends up being positive or negative, remains to be seen  .  . .

Elsewhere, on the Upper East Side . . .

Baby-Bot Needs a New Boarding School . . .


In-laws . . . gotta love em!

Tensions run high in the Waldorf household, when Louis-Bot’s Slimy Priest Kissing Wench of a Sister, Beatrice-Bot plants the seed in her mother’s head that Blair might not raise her baby in a way suited for a future Monaco royal heir.  So, Sophie then places a whole bunch of conditions on Blair, requiring her to give birth to the baby in Monaco, and have the baby attend boarding school there.

At first, Blair is appalled by Queen Sophie’s conditions.  But when she turns to her supposed bestie Serena for support, and Serena blows her off, because of WORK problems, of all things . . .

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(That’s funny, when Serena usually blows Blair off, it’s for sex with Random Guest Stars or Nate. . .)

 . . . Blair suddenly and inexplicably becomes convinced that she has NOTHING left for her in NYC (overdramatic much?), and instantly agrees to all of Queen Sophie’s conditions.

But wait . . . it gets worse.  Enter that annoying Tabloid Journalist witch, Diana who might be Chuck’s mom.  Hoping to snag a story for her stupid online Beta version of Gossip Girl, Diana indirectly helps Beatrice to (1) convince her mother that these baby-raising conditions need to be in writing; and (2) somehow insert into this oddball baby-raising contract provisions that are so preposterous even this new Stepford version of Blair won’t be able to agree to them.

“I just have to insert my wanker, into EVERY SINGLE storyline on this show, don’t I?”

The plan goes off, without a hitch of course.  As expected, Blair and her family are severely disturbed by the notion of having to sign this ridiculous contract, which, among other things, prevents Blair from ever spending more than 48 hours in New York, without prior approval of the monarchy.

“But how will I manage to maintain my inevitable marital affair with Chuck Bass, then?  Most of our sex sessions last at least six hours!”

But the biggest shocker, of course, comes from Louis-Bot, who ACTUALLY STANDS UP TO HIS MOTHER, for once.  (Blair has reprogrammed him well.)  When Queen Sophie publicly threatens to disown, and refuse to acknowledge, Louis-Bot, if his soon-to-be wife doesn’t sign the contract, Louis-bot turns around and replies that, as heir to the throne, it is Baby-bot’s decision whether HE (or SHE) chooses to acknowlege HER.  While, I’m not sure that’s true from a political standpoint (After all, what if Baby-Bot is female?  Would she still be more powerful than the reigning Queen?), kudos to Louis-Bot for FINALLY growing a pair . . .

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Well . .  . so much for THAT!

Oh, and Diana got her Big Bad Tabloid story, just in case you cared . . .

Headline of the Day: Royal Robot Wars . . . a.k.a. Real Steel 2, Electric Boogaloo

The altercation led to a very sweet exchange between Blair and her mother, though . . .

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And this, in turn, convinced Rufus to forgive his son for effectively portraying him as a high class male prostitute in his book!  So . . . YAY for positive parent-child relationships that aren’t Louis-bot’s!

 Speaking of Blair’s cyborg fiance, don’t know about you, but I found Louis-bot’s supposedly sweet remark that, “You’re my only family now,” at the end of the episode, to be more than a bit creepy.  I mean, really, when you think about it, a line like this is really just a hop, skip, and a jump from the much over-used, “If I can’t have you, NO ONE CAN!”

In fact, Louis-Bot proves himself to be a Fiance on the Brink of a Possible Psychotic Breakdown, when he finds Blair’s Paternity Test results and, rather, than immediately confronting Blair with them, he instead contacts . . . wait for it . . . CHUCK’S NEW SHRINK for help with the matter.

RUH-ROH!

How convenient is it that there’s seemingly only ONE therapist on the Upper East Side, and she just so happens to have a pooch who’s ass Chuck’s Monkey likes to sniff?  Be afraid, Blair Bear, be VERY afraid . . .

Oh, I guess I should finish telling you about Dan’s movie option, should I?

The Love of Her Life . . .

When Serena learns from a public television interview that Dan is NOT going to offer her the movie rights to his book, after all, she is SUPER PISSED . . .

I said PISSED . . . not wasted!

That’s better!

Furious with Dan for ruining her chances at success in a job that has suddenly become The Most Important Thing in Serena’s Life, at least, until next week our blonde book villain decides to sabotage Humpty Humphrey’s chances of selling the movie rights to his book to anyone else aside from her boss.  

Well . . . not really  . . . but it certainly wasn’t a very nice thing to do.

She does this by leaking to a major online publication a rumor that Dan has ALREADY promised the rights to Serena’s boss.

Slimy as it was, Serena’s Evil Plan ultimately WORKS, in that Dan eventually agrees to GIVE Serena’s boss the movie rights (but only because no one else gives two craps about him and his lame book anymore), provided that HE gets to write the screenplay.

(Seriously?  He writes screenplays, too?  What’s next,  Donut Dan for President?) 

Dan and Serena then have a heart-to-heart conversation about how Serena’s character, just like Nate’s, isn’t JUST her, but rather, an amalgamation of her, and other book and TV characters that Dan stole borrowed from alternative media sources because he lacks originality as an author.

“My second novel will be entitled SuperDan, and will feature a character that rises above his humble Brooklyn beginnings, to fly around NYC, and battle evil, while wearing a cape, and a bodysuit, with a big “D” emblazoned on the front.” 

This makes Serena feel a little better.  But she’s still bummed about the fact that Blair got to be the heroine of Dan’s book, while SHE is merely the Drunken Slutty Sidekick.

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Having considered Dan to be the Love of Her Life (and, considering how many people Serena has had sex with loved in her lifetime, this should be a HUGE honor for Donut Dan), Serena is hurt to learn that he might not feel the same way about her.  Dan later apologizes to Serena for this, claiming that it is WAY too early in Dan and Serena’s lives for them to know who the True Loves of Their Life are.  His MAY be Serena . . . but it also may be Blair (MAN, I HOPE NOT) . . .  or Chuck . . . or Monkey.  Who really knows?

That said .  . . Dan and Serena’s conversation does raise an interesting question about “soulmates.” Specifically, exactly how old does one have to be to recognize his or her True Love?  What do you think, GG’ers?  Do we need to wait until we are old and wrinkly, before we can figure out who the loves of our life are?  Or is this something we know instinctively, the moment we experience it?

*clears throat*

One thing is FOR SURE, however.  We definitely don’t need to wait until we’re old, to figure out, is who our True Friends are.

Therefore, it is fitting that, at the end of the episode, Serena FINALLY apologizes for being such a douchette to Blair, and COMPLETELY ignoring Queen B’s ass, while she was going through all this awful crap with her baby, and Louis-Bot’s despicable family.

As it turns out, Serena was merely acting out, because she was jealous of the generally positive way Blair was ultimately portrayed in Dan’s story, as opposed to the unbelieveably AWFUL way Serena was portrayed.  “You were the star of Dan’s book,” Serena admits with a pout.

“Well, it’s pure fiction,” Blair replies kindly, offering Serena a big ole hug . . .

AWWWWW! 

Here’s hoping these two besties never again let jealousy, selfishness, or boys get in the way of their eternal friendship.  *cough Fat Chance cough*

So . . . that was “The Fasting and The Furious,” in a nutshell.  In two weeks, Gossip Girl returns for “I Am Number Nine,” during which we will get our first taste of Bridezilla Blair, and her less-than-lucky prospective Bridesmaids . . .

(By the way, did you guys notice how the Canadian promo makes this upcoming episode look AWESOME, and the American one, above, makes it look . . . um . . . ridiculous, cheesy, dumb  slightly less awesome?  Weird . . .)

Anyway, I’ll see you all on November 7th.   Until then, XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Let’s Not Lose Our Heads Over This – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s “Gimcrack and Bunkum”

[Note:  For those of you looking for a Gossip Girl Recap for “The Fasting and The Furious,” check back around this time tomorrow (October 26th) and it should be up by then.  Sorry for the delay! :)]

NUCKY:  “Mirror, mirror on the wall.  Who’s the most badass of them all?  I am, because I beat the crap out of my own brother in the Garden Room.”

JIMMY: “I scalped some old dude in his house, while forcing him to eat a Native American Breach Cloth.”

NUCKY: “DOH!”

Let’s be honest.  Many of us watch gangster dramas for the WHACKINGS. . .

Not THAT kind of whacking . . . 

Sure, we might pretend to be all “evolved and mature” about these shows.  We might even talk a good game about how impressed we are with the “adult things,” like the “cinematography,” and the “symbolism,” and the “character development.”  Yet, in reality, most of us are just secretly waiting for the moment when the character we always knew was a goner anyway, gets murdered in a highly creative and equally disturbing way . . .

And a good gangster drama doesn’t just whack people, wily nily.  There’s got be a build up to the murders . . . some anticipation . . . and longing. So, when the killing actually arrives, you, the viewer, feel rewarded . . . like you’ve earned it.  In short, gangster dramas treat whackings, like teen dramas treat kisses between soulmates.  Technically speaking, both should happen ALL THE TIME, in EVERY episode.  But because they don’t . . . and because you are taunted and teased with the prospect of them, each week, when they DO happen, it is a true Thing of Beauty.

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That’s what “Gimcrack and Bunkum” was to me . .  . a true Thing of Beauty.  Sure, it had good “cinematography,” “character development,” and Richard Harrow being lifted out of an existential crisis by a dog, who tried to eat his “face” off.  But more importantly than all of that, it had two truly spectacular whackings . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

Public Speaking 101

“I’m picturing all of you naked, right now . . . especially you, Jimmy *winks*”

It’s Memorial Day in Atlantic City.  What better day to publicly humiliate a World War I veteran, right?  Apparently, this is what Nucky thinks, when, after saying a few words about the brave men, who fought for his country, Nucky decides to call Mr. Man of Few Words, Jimmy, to the stage for an impromptu speech, and the reading of the names of some dearly departed soldiers.

Jimmy is clearly neither that confortable, nor that experienced with public speaking.  And this, undoubtedly, is precisely what Nucky was counting on, when he made this tactical political and psychological maneuver.  Nucky’s silent message to his former protege turned nemesis is clear: If you can’t even make a simple speech in public, how can you possibly run an entire city?  At first, Nucky’s plan seems to have paid off.  And we watch for a few uncomfortable moments, as Jimmy shakes, sweats, and blinks silently at the waiting crowd.

“I will not puke on the podium . . . I will not puke on the podium . . . I will not puke on the podium, and if I do, I’ll be sure to puke on Nucky.”

But then something happens to Jimmy, as he stands on that stage.  In those few seconds, he transforms from the runty kid, whose father didn’t care about him, and who’s mother used to inappropriately make out with his winky, into a soldier.

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And though Jimmy’s words, may be just as politically motivated, as those of his predecessor, they ring true, in a way that Nucky’s did not, simply because he IS a veteran.  So, when Jimmy talks about fighting for his family and for America . . . and when he pauses in the reading of the names to remark on a fallen soldier he knew personally, we believe him, and find ourselves eating out of the palm of his hand, just like the rest of the watching crowd.

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Match point.  Jimmy: 1, Nucky: 0

Poor Richard (Poorer Squirrel)

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Meanwhile, Poor Richard is looking through his damn “Families are Awesome.  My Life is Sad” scrapbook again.

He then packs himself an apple for lunch, and heads out in the woods to eat bullets from his gun.

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I probably would have eaten the apple, instead.

I’ll never understand why people choose “blowing brains out,” as their preferred method of suicide.  I understand that it’s more error proof than taking pills, or drowning, or shooting yourself in the heart.  But really, I can’t think of a more awful and grotesque way to send one’s self out of the world.  Can you?

So, already, I’m watching this scene through my fingers, hoping we won’t have to see the actual Brain Explosion.  (They never show it on TV.  But that doesn’t ever stop me from fearing that, one day, they will.  This is HBO, after all.)  Fortunately, for us, and Richard, some adorable, but slightly mangy looking dog, interrupts the suicide attempt to play fetch with the Poor Guy’s face mask.

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If you look closely at the dog, he sort of looks like he’s got a mask on one side of his face, similar to Richard’s.  YAY for parallels (and for adorable mask-eating, suicide preventing dogs)!

Now, realistically speaking, you would think that the guy who was about to explode his FACE with gun powder, would no longer have much use for a face mask.  But Richard decides to put off offing himself, to chase the dog, anyway . . .

Richard eventually loses the dog.  But all that running, and NOT killing himself, has made him tired.  So, he chills out by a tree for a bit.  It is there he is discovered by a creepy, but ultimately well-meaning, hunting dude, and another guy who may be his dad, or just  an elderly friend of his.

Just a bunch of guys . . . chilling out . .  . chewing off the heads of rodents . . . 

These two dudes invite Richard to their little bonfire to drink booze and feast on squirrels.  I’ve never seen a roasted squirrel before.  And it surprises me how much they look like pink versions of the Geico Gecko, when de-furred.

“Please don’t eat me.  I give good rates on car insurance.”

It’s gross . . . and sad.  But not as gross and sad, as a headless Richard.  So . . . yay for that . . . I guess.

Oh, and the dog’s there too . . . with Richard’s mask, which now looks a bit more like a doggy chew toy, than half a face.  If I were him, I would have rinsed it off with the alcohol, before putting it back on.  Because, really, who knows where that dog’s mouth has been?  Anyway, apparently, the dog does not belong to either of the two men.  Rather, he is a SOLDIER *cough symbolism / foreshadowing cough*, and a fighter, who survives, by living every day, as if he is at war.

Richard Harrow’s new mascot. 

One of the guys who found Richard might just be a little psychic, since he somehow seems to know instinctively that Richard came to the forest to kill himself.  He lectures the younger man, about how these woods are FOR LIVING .  . . Yeah, dude . . . tell that to the roasting naked squirrels . . .

Judging YOU . . . 

All sarcasm aside, I’m glad Richard decided not to blow his brains out, and that he has found a new purpose for his life . . . More on that, in a bit.

Meanwhile, back at Vegetable Commodore’s house . . .

Never Mess with Old People Carrying Canes

One of these two men will be minus one scalp by the end of the episode.  Bet you can’t guess which one! 

Jimmy and Eli are meeting with those Old Dudes, led by Uncle Junior from the Sopranos . . .

When did Uncle Junior turn into Santa Claus? 

 . .  who are none too pleased with them, about their 70,000 having recently been eaten up by that fire Owen Sleater set last week, at Mickey’s distillery.  Jimmy tries to reassure the men, that the money will be forthcoming.  But with the Commodore no where in sight, the men are becoming restless, and suspicious about the safety of their investments.  When one particularly ornery old man in a wheelchair publicly suggests that the Commodore is either dead or dying, Jimmy mouths off at him, causing the dude to whack him in the face, with his cane.

It was kind of funny.  I’m not going to lie.  Like most Old Dudes, this one thinks that Young People, like Jimmy, need to learn to respect their elders.  And he is going to beat that respect into every last youngster,  if it is the last thing he does.

Silently seething, Jimmy storms out (probably so his mother can kiss his winkie and make it better).  Eli follows after him, to yell at him for not keeping his cool, and to warn him that, without the Commodore, the two of them are pretty much screwed.  Jimmy doesn’t really think he needs advice from Boardwalk Empire’s version of Fredo, and tells Eli as much.

Later, while Jimmy’s Mommy is cleaning his wound,  she not-so-subtly tells Jimmy he shouldn’t take this being caned, lying down.  “We will not be respected . . . Do what needs to be done,” she scolds him.

Of course, as we learned from last week, when Gillian Darmody tells you to do something, you DO IT.  Because she has a really nasty right hook . . .

Just ask THIS GUY . . . 

Speaking of women (and men) not to be trifled with . . .

“Hey Bro, sorry about the whole Betrayal Thing . . . wanna wrestle?”

Nucky comes home from a strenuous morning of kissing some lawyers’ asses to find, much to his dismay, that Margaret has let his brother into the Garden Room.   Eli’s totally working this Fredo angle, hardcore.  He’s crying and blubbering, and begging Nucky for forgiveness.  His nose is so far up his brother’s butt, that it’s practically popping out of the older man’s mouth.

After making a few cracks about how the lord distributes his gifts unequally (Yes, Nucky, clearly, you got the looks in the family.) . . .

. . .  and hearing Eli admit, both that he knows the names of the men testifying against Nucky, and that the Commodore has had a stroke . . .

. . . it really does seem that Nucky is going to take pity on his brother, and let him back into his inner circle.  And  . . . then he doesn’t.  Nucky boldly asks his brother to get on his KNEES AND KISS HIS FEET.  Eli seems genuinely shocked.  I suspect he really thought this was going to work out.

“But . . . you have really smelly feet!” 

Next thing you know, the two middle-aged men are wrestling on the floor . . . and, suddenly, I’m having flashbacks to that episode of The Sopranos, where Tony and Bobby Baccala started beating the crap out of eachother at the Lake House.

Ahhh, brotherly love . . . 

It’s kind of awesome, and unintentionally hilarious at the same time.  But then the men start grabbing for concealed weapons, and I’m genuinely beginning to get worried about their safety.

But wait .  . . SOMEONE has just put a rifle to Eli’s head, and it’s not Nucky.  It’s . . . wait for it . . . MARGARET!

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My hero!  Holy crap!  This woman has done it again.  She leads a shocked Eli out the door, with a simple and calm expression of a single word.  “Enough.”  And I’m pretty sure Eli just crapped his pants.

Once he’s gone, Nucky has the NERVE to tell the woman who just SAVED his ass, that she should have LOADED the gun, before she shoved it in Eli’s face.  HELLO, by the time she LOADED the gun, you’d probably have brains seaping out of your ears, ASSHAT!  A simple “thank you,” would have sufficed.  Just sayin . . .

Those are some BUSY prostitutes .  . .

Later that day, the Attorney General, Nucky’s lawyer, and that Senator Guy we keep seeing, pop by to explain, once again, how those election fraud charges SHOULD eventually be dropped against Nucky, once the case is removed to federal court, on account of the federal prostitution charges that are ALSO cleverly being lodged against Nucky.  And yet,  we’ve spent so MUCH time on the rather technical legal nuances of this storyline, that I can’t help but wonder whether all of this is going to end up blowing up in Nucky’s face.

Nevertheless, the same whores who initially got him out of State court, are back to bone the Attorney General and his pals in Nucky’s by-now-surely-disease infested “study.”  Part of me thinks, the only reason they keep showing these ladies is so that Boardwalk Empire meets it’s weekly Boobie Quotient . . .

Speaking of Boobies . . .

Dangerous Maid Gets Dangerously Laid

O face . . . 

Margaret awakens in the middle of the night, to the sound of a scream.  She runs into Maid Katie in the hallway, who claims she hasn’t heard a thing.  Later, of course, we learn that the scream came from Katie, who has been boning Owen, down the hall .  . . Way to go, Katie!  Now, Margaret’s not the only lady with a little Irish in her, if you catch my drift . . .

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Meanwhile, at Fredo-Eli’s house . . .

By George, he’s got it!  (And by IT, I mean a wrench in the face)

“May I have this dance?” 

Eli is hanging out with one of his 85,000 kids, when Alderman George comes by, asking some surprisingly on-point questions about the Commodore’s health.  In fact, the Alderman wants to go down to the Commodore’s house, to make sure he’s not a vegetable, or something.  Eli assures George that the Commodore is fine.  But George isn’t buying it, and threatens to go back to Nucky, if Eli isn’t honest with him.

So, Eli freaks out, and crushes George’s windpipe with his monkey wrench.

Well, that’s not good!   Now, George is definitely going to go to Nucky . . . if he’s ever able to speak again.  Eli can’t have that, so he hits him with the monkey wrench in the face . . . again . . . and again . . . and again.

Batter up . . . 

Remember earlier, when I was talking about how I never wanted to see what someone’s head looks like, after it’s been blown off.  Well, now, I know what someone’s head looks like, when it’s been smashed to bits by a monkey wrench.  And, let me tell you, it’s not pretty.  For those of you who have never seen something like this, I’ll attempt to provide you with the necessary visual.  Imagine drop-kicking a watermelon . . .

I’m just glad, Eli sent his kid away, before he did this.  Talk about being traumatized for life.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong.  But wasn’t George supposed to be one of the alderman meant to testify against Nucky for Election Fraud.  Well, that should make things interesting  .  . .

Anywhoo, Eli gets his second in command, to help him carry George’s body to his car.  And then Eli buries the poor schlub on the beach.  Oh Fredo-Eli . . . you are SO getting whacked on a fishing boat, sometime soon . . .

Scalp and a Haircut . . .

Back at the Darmody house, Jimmy shares a sweet moment with his wife . . .

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JIMMY: “Just pretend you are making out with that woman you were cheating on me with, last season.”

ANGELA:  “Cool, and you can pretend you are making out with that woman you were cheating on ME with, last season.”

JIMMY: “Which one?  My mom?”

ANGELA: “THE OTHER ONE!”

 . . .  before having an even sweeter one, with Richard.   (As awful as Jimmy can be sometimes, you’ve got to admit, his bromance with Richard is just adorable.)  When Richard comes home late, Jimmy instinctively seems to know that something SERIOUS has gone down.  “I should have gone with you,” Jimmy tells Richard, when the latter claims to have “gone for a walk.”

Jimmy then asks Richard to go on job with him, because even Veterans, apparently, don’t get the full day off on Memorial Day.  “Would you fight for me?”  Richard asks, looking to his companion, much like a son seeking approval from his dad.

“Right down to the last bullet,” Jimmy assures his friend, rubbing his head, in a rather paternal way, much as we suspect Nucky used to do to HIM, back when he was a child.

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With a renewed sense of purpose, Richard rises, with a look of determination on his face.  “Then, let’s go to work.”

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“Scalp, Richard, scalp . . . GOOD BOY!”

Now, we’re at that Old Dude’s House . . . you know, the one who clocked Jimmy.  He’s looking at some Native American Breach Cloth, and making some not-very-PC comments about Native Americans to his butler, specifically, referring to their penchant for public nudity, and belief in magic.  Once Old Dude is alone, Jimmy and Harrow appear, in front of him.  Jimmy straps the soon-to-be-dead guy down to show him, that he is “not to be disrespected.”  “I’m going to teach you something, now” he says maniacally.

Then Harrow appears from behind.  “And who the hell are you?”  Old Dude asks.

“I’m a soldier just like that adorable dog that tried to eat my face,” says Harrow triumphantly, as he grotesquely scalps the Old Dude, and, in doing so, brings meaning back to his life.

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See, don’t you just love a happy ending?  🙂

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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A Ticking Timebomb – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Reckoning”

OK, everybody.  Raise your hands if you will NOT be beaten up, abused, or tortured during this episode . . . Yeah . . . that’s what I thought. 

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  Things have changed quite a bit since we spoke last.  You know, Matt got a haircut, Rebekah learned how to use an iPhone, and ALMOST EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW IS NOW A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON!

*takes breath*

OK . . . so, now that we’ve had a little time to decompress, what do you say, we settle in for a little Prank Night?

(As always, a big round of applause for my Super Screencapper Extraordinaire Andre, who ROCKS, RULES, and KICKS ASS, all at the same time . . . very impressive.)

Pump Some Iron (Snap Some Traps)

“Have you seen the pects on the guys in Mystic Falls?  I really need to start working out, if I ever want to get another sex scene on this show.” 

Tell me something, TVD producers?  What’s the point of having an Obligatory Workout Scene, when the guy who’s working out KEEPS HIS SHIRT ON?  I mean, we started the episode with a random close-up shot of sweaty Matt working out, and not only was he NOT shirtless, he was wearing a friggin HOODIE over his t-shirt.  REALLY?  This is a travesty of fangirl justice, seriously . . .  He was also wearing some very dorky shorts . . .

Hmm . . . I wonder if he’s going commando? 

But I digress . . .

Matt’s working out after hours at the Mystic Falls High weight room (Wait . . . these kids still go to school?) when he HEARS A NOISE.  Then, he sees a BLACK SHADOWY FIGURE run across him.  Throw in a night vision camera, and we can do our own little version of Paranormal Activity 4 – Vicki’s REVENGE.  Matt walks out alone in the dark hallway.  And if he wasn’t a series regular, I would think this was a pretty AWESOME set-up for an Opening Kill Scene . . .

“Please don’t let this ridiculous outfit be the one I end up being buried in.”

Instead, Matt opens the door to what he thinks is a deserted classroom, and . . .

“Dammit, Matt!  You set off all the mouse traps!  Now we’ll never be able to solve Mystic Falls High’s rampant rodent problem!  (Where’s bunny eater Stefan when you need him?)”

 . . . snaps a bunch of lame mousetraps on the floor.  How lamedisappointing boring HILARIOUS!

“I didn’t just walk in on some weird supernatural creature orgy, or something, did I?”

Lo and behold, our whole Scooby Gang (at least the one’s who are actually students at this school, and NOT Jeremy) is hanging out in the classroom, looking rather smug.  Caroline is PISSED though.  Matt ruined her Adorable Rat Trap Trick!  Senior Prank Night is RUINED. .  .

No, it’s really not.  But Caroline is still SHOCKED that Matt could possibly forget something SUPER important, like Senior Prank Night.

“I am so mad at you.  We are so not having sex tonight.  Oh wait . . . I forgot, I’m never having sex with you again, because I get to have mindblowing sex with Tyler every single night, for all eternity.  Oops, did I say that out loud?” 

I mean, it’s not like Matt has anything ELSE to worry about . . . like, you know, his vampire ex-girlfriend hooking up with his werewolf sort-of best friend, his Ghost Sister stalking his OTHER ex girlfriend’s little brother, whether the economic recession will impact his tips at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, thereby preventing him from being able to afford less dorky shorts . . .

“Could you please lay off the shorts.  I didn’t have time to do laundry this week.” 

Everybody begins to split up then.  You know, because, despite having been on this show for over two seasons, these folks still haven’t learned that they Star in the TV Version of a Horror Movie, and splitting up equals death . . . or, if you happen to be a series regular, certain torture by the Big Bad Villain of the Season.  Elena heads off ALONE to go glue Professor Alaric’s desk shut, which probably isn’t nearly as annoying to someone who’s DIED FIVE TIMES.

 A little glue never hurt a Chunky Monkey. 

We’re back in that long empty hallway again!  Fortunately, Elena doesn’t have to be alone for long, because Klaus is there.  Did I say “fortunately?”  I meant “OH SH*T!”

“You’ll pay for this Klaus!  If Alaric comes into school Monday morning, and his desk ISN’T glued shut, I am telling all the kids at school to put flaming dog poo in your locker.” 

“You are supposed to be dead,” says the guy who was born 1,000 years ago to the girl who recently turned 18.

(“Hello Pot . . . This is Kettle, calling.  Guess what?  YOU’RE BLACK!”)

“You just don’t DO IT for me, anymore.”

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Elsewhere, on the Shortest and Most Pointless Road Trip in TVD History, Damon is driving to Some Random Destination We Never Get to See.  In the passenger seat, Katherine is making jokes about going to truck stops and eating truckers, which would probably be a lot funnier, if this wasn’t a vampire show, where such jokes are made about every ten minutes.

Plus, Katherine doesn’t really strike me as the trucker eating type.  For the record, I envision truckers tasting like gasoline, bad diner food, and public restrooms.  No offense to all those truckers out there.  But, hey, if you happen to be a trucker, who watches The Vampire Diaries, I REALLY want to meet you so that I can eat you, and see if my hypothesis is correct.

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As it turns out, Katherine DOESN’T seem to really have a set destination in mind.  She simply wants to get Damon far enough from Mystic Falls that there is no chance of turning back.  Damon claims not to mind, saying that he needs a break from Mystic Falls.  “A break from Mystic Falls, or a break from Elena?”  Katherine coos seductively.

You see, I have this theory that Katherine is secretly on Team Delena, despite evidence to the contrary.  She always seems to be helping out my ship in subtle ways.  And I love her for that.  Like for example, this moment, in which Damon starts TOTALLY MAKING OUT WITH KATHERINE WHILE HE’S DRIVING, WITH NO REGARD FOR THE ROAD WHATSOEVER.  (Well, I guess, even if they get into a car accident, they won’t REALY die.  So, it kind of makes sense.)

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Then Damon roughly throws a shocked Katherine back into the passenger seat, which, actually reminded me a little of THIS . . .

(I clapped then too!) 

“What did you do that for?”  She inquires, pouting.

“You just don’t do it for me, anymore,” replies Damon.

(See what I mean?  THANK YOU KATHERINE!)  Oh, and Damon, don’t worry, we ALL know who DOES IT FOR YOU, NOW!

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Adventures in Sadomasochism (Starring Rebekah and Stefan)

Stefan awakens outside the school to find his boyfriend Klaus, has stormed off, after their little lover’s quarrel.  But Rebekah is there, watching him sleep, or rather, watching him un-die. 

“You snore, when you’re dead.” 

Apparently, Klaus has been repeatedly breaking his neck for sh*ts and giggles . . . or, as vampires like to call it foreplay.

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“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?”

Since Stefan has been inconveniently dead up through the first commerical break, it’s up to Rebekah to fill him in on what’s happened.  Fortunately, she leaves out all the boring stuff, about Matt wearing too many clothes, and Katherine’s lame trucker jokes, and gets right to the good stuff, i.e. Klaus knows Elena’s alive and .  . .

“Believe it or not, this is actually my O face . . .” 

Stefan responds to this news by tackling Rebekah, and dry humping her on the concrete floor like a dog in heat.  (Unfortunately, there are no walls around, so a Trademark Wall Slam is not possible.)

“WHERE IS SHEEEEEE?”  Stefan yells, which causes me wonder how many times, since Season 1, the men on this show have yelled this very question, about the woman they lovvvvveeeeee, while tackling someone else.  (My guess is about 17 times.  What’s yours?)

Rebekah’s response is pretty funny, I must admit.  I actually think Rebekah might have stolen Katherine’s sense of humor, this week.   It would certainly explain the bad trucker joke.  “You still really love her, don’t you?  Consider me jealous,” remarks Rebekah, before STAKING STEFAN IN THE STOMACH.

“Do you mind if I keep this?  I have a collection of all the stakes that have been in my stomach since 1864.  It fills my entire bathroom.”

(Hmmm . . . I think Stefan has actually been staked on this show more times than he has said, “Where is SHHEEEEEE?”  I’m going to guess about 30 times.  How about you?)

Simon Klaus says hop on one leg . . . (among other things)

It’s fitting that the episode takes place on SENIOR Prank Night, because Klaus, who is by far, the most SENIOR on this show (at least, until the final moments of the episode) ends up being the one with all the best pranks.  Like this one, where he drags Elena into the gym, and tells all the rest of the seniors that they’ve been caught and have to leave.  You know who doesn’t leave, though?  Not Now Dana . . .

You guys remember, Not Now Dana, right?  In one episode she broke up Matt’s and Caroline’s not-so-epic kiss to inform Matt that there were hamburgers outside, or something else equally lame.  (Hence, the nickname.)  Then AlarKlaus compelled her to hit on Elena, on his behalf.

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Klaus ALSO seems to remember Not Now Dana, which is pretty impressive when you think about it.  (I mean, when you’ve been alive for as long as Klaus has, you would think all the Not Now Dana’s of the world would start to look pretty much the same.)

Klaus compels Not Now Dana to lift her leg, and hop.  She then compels Not Now Dana’s boyfriend (who I THINK was one of the guys he compelled to jump Jeremy, back in “The Last Dance” episode.  YAY for continuity!) to beat her to death, if she lets her leg drop.  Now, this may be controversial,  but I’d have to say that this is probably the most sadistic and twisted Klaus compulsion scheme of the entire episode.  It also involves domestic violence . . . which is probably why the writers didn’t end up actually having the characters go through with it.

So, let’s ignore that whole dark aspect of it for a bit, and focus on the hilarity of Not Now Dana compulsively hopping on one foot, like a subject at a Bad Hypnotist Show . . .

Meanwhile, back on the Roadtrip that Wasn’t . . .

Excuse me . . . I think you have a hot boy in your trunk!

“At least I made Katherine pay for the gas.”

Damon randomly stops the car, and gets out on the side of the road, causing an increasingly horny frustrated Katherine to follow him.  At first, he claims he wants Katherine to drive.  But, when she goes to take the keys, he tosses them into the bushes.   Damon’s tired of driving around aimlessly, and since he’s no longer in the mood for car sex, he’s very much like to know about Katherine’s current scheme, thank you very much.

“Dammit Damon!  Now, I’m never going to learn what a trucker actually tastes like.” 

Katherine relents, and shows Damon the Infamous Magical Necklace, a.k.a the subject of about FIVE of the Sexiest Delena Moments of All Time.

(See?  Katherine  = TOTAL Delena fan.  It doesn’t get much clearer than this)

Damon, of course, aside from the fact that it immediately causes him to fantasize about and miss Elena desperately doesn’t quite understand the significance of this piece of jewelry, when it’s not around Elena’s neck.  Truth be told, Katherine doesn’t quite understand it’s significance yet, either, except to say that it’s “leverage” for bargaining with Klaus, since she knows now that he wants it.

But Katherine has an even better ace up her sleeve, and it’s currently taking a snooze in the trunk of her car.

Definitely more fun to play with than a spare tire . . . 

That’s right, boys and girls,  it’s I See Dead People Jeremy.  And like Stefan, he’s also reawakening from the dead in this episode (Hooray for magical rings.)  Admittedly, like many of the concepts in this episode (which I loved, by the way), Katherine’s reasoning for kidnapping Jeremy is a bit convoluted.  Basically, Katherine learned from Bonnie, back when she was pretending to be Elena, that Jeremy talks to his dead girlfriends.  One of those girlfriends, is Anna.  And, apparently, Anna knows, based on her mother’s conversations with the Original Witch, the key to killing Klaus.

Though Anna is initially hesitant to give up the goods, Damon convinces her, with a little Jeremy strong-arming.

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As many of us, have probably already figured out, the key to killing Klaus is a PERSON.  His name is Michael.  And he’s that vampire hunter /  ACTUAL vampire Klaus and Rebekah have been soiling their panties about, for the past few episodes.

Now, under normal circumstances, Damon would be doing the Happy Dance, upon hearing such news.  But he has more important things to worry about.  Like the text from Bonnie he just got, claiming that Elena is in trouble.   It’s SUPERMAN to the rescue! 🙂

“Hold tight, Lover.  Because HERE I COME!” 

My second favorite line of the episode appears here.  It happens when Katherine chastizes Damon for running off to save Elena, again.  “The Damon I know wouldn’t be that stupid.”

“That’s because I wouldn’t have done it for you,” replies Damon before rushing off.

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Wow, the fact that Damon said that is a HUGE DEAL.  Remember, Damon pined over Katherine for 145 YEARS.  And here he is saying that he didn’t love her enough to make the sacrifices he is prepared to make for Elena’s safety.  Please excuse me, while I have a MAJOR Delena fangirl moment . . .

While Damon’s busy flying to his lover’s side (I bet he’s REALLY wishing he had those “turn into a crow” powers from the Pilot now), let’s head back to school, shall we?

For a Good Time, Call . . .

Bonnie and Matt are toilet papering the pool area, and wondering when their Normal Teenage Lives got so screwed up.  (Oh, I’d say about two seasons, and five epsiodes ago.)

“Hey Matt, I can make my nose bleed on cue.  Wanna see?” 

Did I mention that these two are kind of flirty with one another?  I’m ready to go on the record, and say that I hope Bonnie and Matt become a couple.  Now, this is not necessarily because I think they are so hot together.  (Though they DO have more chemistry than Bonnie has with Jeremy, and Matt has with Caroline, for sure.)  It would just be a nice, relatively non-confrontational, way to get Matt away from Caroline, and the Wicked Witch of the Cockblock to stop preventing Jeremy from having Hot Ghost Sex with Anna .  . .

Anywhoo, Bonnie and Matt promise to meet one another and toilet paper the gym.  (DON’T GO TO THE GYM!  STAY AWAY FROM THE GYM!)  But Matt has to jerk off pee / get more toilet paper first.  When he does, he sees, among other things, the message “R.I.P. Vicki Donovan” written on the bathroom stall . . .

. . . a “touching” and appropriate memorial to a girl who undoubtedly had sex with many, many horny high schoolers in that very same stall . . .  (I wonder if the guy who undoubtedly wrote, “For a Good Time Call, Vicki Donovan,” in the adjoining stall, crossed it out, after she died, so as not to confuse other potty patrons.)

“Ummm . . . Matt.  You forgot to wash your hands.  Now, that’s just gross.”

As Matt leaves the stall, Vicki follows him out and calls out after him. (See, I told you she spent a lot of time in there!  Ghosts tend to haunt the places they spent the most time, while they were alive. ;))   But alas, he cannot hear her .  . . yet.

The Obedient and The Damned

I will not think X rated thoughts about this screencap . . . I will not think X rated thoughts about this screencap . . . I will not think . . .

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DOH!

We move from implied future Delena moments, to ACTUAL Forwood ones.  Tyler and Caroline are up against a wall in that increasingly dangerous hallway, having a fabulous makeout session.  But then, Caroline feels the need to MAJORLY harsh on all of our buzzes, by mentioning, Matt, of all people.  She hopes Matt will be OK, now that all his friends are (1) part of a Supernatural Scooby Gang that fights evil every week; and (2) all seem to be dating one another.

Tyler thinks Caroline has a great big undead heart.  And Caroline just wants everyone to be happy.  Tyler reassures her that he is happy . . . IN HIS PANTS!

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Last week, our opportunity for Forwood sex was rudely interrupted by Cockblock Elena, and her annoying insistence that Caroline save her Evil Dad.

“Are you just going to stand there, and watch?  Or would you like to join in?  Because Caroline may look like all prim and proper, but she can be SUPER FREAKY, if you catch my drift . . .” 

 This week, Elena apparently handed the cockblocking torch over to Rebekah, a.k.a “The New Girl,”  she proves just how strong she is, by knocking out Baby Vamp and Teen Wolf, in one swift movement (which happens off camera, unfortunately).

“I’d actually like to join in, if you don’t mind.” 

“REALLY!  That’s awesome . . . wait . . . why are you biting my neck so hard .  . . uh oh.”

 She then drags Tyler into the gym, where the rest of the Scooby Gang, sans Caroline (along with Not Now Dana and her boyfriend), are already conveniently waiting . . .

It’s probably a good thing Caroline isn’t around, right now.  (She’s busy being unconscious in the Dangerous Hallway.)  Because lord knows, she would certainly not enjoy what Klaus does next.   After force feeding the Teen Wolf his blood, Klaus snaps Tyler’s neck, killing him softly . . . and temporarily.

“Sorry Stefan, I have a new lover now.” 

“And he’s VERY cuddly.”

But, unlike a lot of the other death’s on this show, Tyler’s has a purpose.

Klaus explains to Bonnie that Tyler is now in transition to become a hybrid / were-vamp.  And we all know what happened to the OTHER hybrids, back in episode 2, right?

So yeah, pretty much, if Bonnie doesn’t figure how to get Tyler to NOT turn into a were-zombie, and eventually die, Klaus will kill Elena.  Bonnie has twenty minutes to figure this out, and she takes Matt with her.  I smell some nosebleeds in our future . . .

By the way, did anyone notice how quickly Mr. I Can’t Date Vampires, and Just Want to be Normal Matt adjusted to being a cast member on this show, in the past couple of episodes?  I mean, the guy just saw some random dude KILL his friend.  (Because, correct me if I’m wrong, no one actually had the chance to tell Matt about Klaus prior to this, right?) And he barely flinched.

“OK .  . . who’s up for some dodgeball?” 

I guess this makes him an honorary Scooby Gang member?  If they keep this up, it’s going to get to the point soon, where there are so many of them, that they won’t fit in Damon’s living room, for their weekly Kill Klaus meetings . . .

Meanwhile, Stefan has just de-staked himself, so he can join his pals in the gym.

“I’m getting too old for this sh*t.” 

With his tail between his legs, Stefan grovels to his boyfriend Klaus, wondering out loud how he could possibly make this up to him.  (Might I suggest a blow job?) Stefan then continues to prove to everyone what an AWFUL liar he is, by claiming that he doesn’t care about Elena.  So, Klaus tests this theory by WHACKING THE CRAP OUT OF HER.

(Remember what I said before about TVD opting not to go for the “domestic violence” route?  I guess I sort of have to take that back.)

“Ripper Stefan, may I have this dance?” 

When Stefan attacks Klaus, as Klaus (and the rest of us) knew that he would, Klaus takes the opportunity to get up close and personal with him, and compel his ass.  Stefan is instructed by Klaus’ big eyeballs (I love how they always zoom in on the eyes, during compulsion scenes . . . It’s SO HOT) to obey his every command without question.  Clever . . . but a bit late, if I do say so myself.

“I’m doing my best, DAMMIT!” 

Klaus justifies his NOT doing this three months ago, by saying that he simply hoped for Stefan’s loyalty.  My goodness, Klaus is just as naive as ELENA,  sometimes!  I mean, come on, did this  Hybrid Dick REALLY think that Stefan would still want to be his best buddy, on his own free will, after he KILLED HIS GIRLFRIEND, and her AUNT, and FORCED HIM to be his b*tch for ten years?  Klaus has officially become the super villain equivalent of those folks in the early audition rounds of American Idol who STILL believe they are genuinely talented, despite having singing voices that make William Hung sound like Bruno Mars . . .

So, remember Not Now Dana and her boyfriend, who Klaus compelled to play the longest game of Simon Says, ever?  Well, you can breathe a sigh of relief, because Klaus gave them a reprieve that allowed Dana to sit down, without her boyfriend murdering her (not exactly sure how that worked, by the way, since Klaus never got close enough to un-compel them).  Oh, wait, I lied, Obedient Stefan is going to kill BOTH OF THEM, because Klaus has just made him the best Simon Says player on the planet.

Farewell, Not Now Dana, may you find many unworthy couples to cockblock in Heaven . . .

iFind the Necklace

Over in the Dangerous Hallway, Caroline awakens to find Rebekah playing with her iPhone, which she has figured out how to use, surprisingly quickly, considering that, back in the 1920’s telephones were roughly the equivalent, of aluminum cans connected by copper wires.  “Where’s Tyler?” Caroline wonders groggily.

“This Angry Birds game is really addictive.” 

“He’s dead . . . ish,” replies Rebekah.  (See, VERY funny!)

While Rebekah is searching through Caroline’s pictures, she comes across one of Stefan and Elena, and pouts like a rejected candidate on The Bachelor.  She tries to delete the picture, but actually ends up zooming in on . . . you guessed it, the Magical Phantom Necklace.

Little Tattletale Rebekah, rushes in and attacks Elena.  “She has my necklace . . . make her tell me where it is,” she whines to Klaus.

Elena explains that Katherine has stolen it.  But, of course, all Klaus here’s is that Boyfriend Stefan lied to him AGAIN about not knowing where the necklace was.  And now for Klaus’ BIGGEST PRANK OF ALL . . . which, most of us, already knew would happen, based on viewing the promo Klaus sets the basketball time clock to 20 minutes.  He then compels Stefan to feed on Elena, when the clock runs down to zero, knowing full well that once he starts, he won’t be able to stop.

RUH ROH!

Let’s check in on Team Useless, shall we?

Anyone up for a swim?

Despite knowing how INCREDIBLY limited her time is, Bonnie decides to LEAVE THE SCHOOL and drive to I See Dead People Jeremy’s house, since she needs him to contact the Original Witch.  Bad Boyfriend Jeremy is apparently too busy hanging out in the trunks of cars to answer his girlfriend’s text messages!  (How dare he?)

NAUGHTY BOY!  You will be punished! 

Matt heads back to the weight room . . . because this whole Everyone is Being Held Hostage by Klaus thing, has TOTALLY interfered with his workout.  There, he finds a Hansel and Gretel type trail of his clothing (Seriously, this guy must wear like 80 layers of clothes!), which leads him all  the way back to the pool area.

“Hey, who’s bra is this?” 

Matt’s car keys are at the bottom of the pool.   So, he starts to strip down to go get them.  (NOW, we’re talking!)

But then Vicki starts text messaging him, about being able to “help.”

“I’ve always wondered what type of text messaging plans they get in Purgatory. ” 

Now, I don’t know if Matt’s “Big Idea on How to Talk to his Dead Sister / Save the World” came from HIM, or from Vicki.  But, wherever it came from, it was INCREDIBLY STUPID.   Matt reasons that if Jeremy can talk to dead people, because he died and came back to life, if MATT dies, he can talk to dead people too.  So, Matt calls Bonnie who’s lord knows where, and tells him to come save her life with her not-so-magical CPR lessons.

“Can you hear me now?  Well, you won’t hear me when I’m dead.  Then again . . . maybe you will.” 

Then he ties a weight to his stomach, and jumps into the pool (fully clothed, unfortunately) to drown himself . . .

“The kid’s got spunk.” 

Wait . . . HOLD UP.  Isn’t the reason Jeremy sees dead people the fact that he ACTUALLY died, and was brought back by magic?  Are we supposed to believe that Matt will be able to talk to dead people, simply because he passed out underwater?  Wouldn’t that mean that EVERYONE who almost drowns, and is revived by CPR should be talking to the dead?  Just sayin . . .

Anywhoo, Bonnie DOES conveniently make it to the pool in time to drag Matt out, and start tongue kissing administering CPR on him.

“Damn you, for making me mess up my hair, like this, Matt.” 

While she sucks his face, Matt DOES have a quick “In the Afterlife” chat with Vicki, during which she passes IMPORTANT INFORMATION on to Bonnie about the Hybrid Spell Thingy.   And don’t ask me how she knows this information .  . . since I thought only Anna knew.  But . . . whatever . . .

” .  . . so that’s what happens at the end of Sixth Sense.  Would you like me to spoil any other movies for you?”

Back in the gym, the Bite THAT Doppelganger gameshow is still going on, and our contestant Stefan is getting a bit restless . . .

Time’s UP!

We are now down to six minutes on the time clock.  So, of course, it is time for Elena to monologue annoyingly to Stefan about how he can BEAT this.  Elena remembers how Caroline’s dad somehow resisted compulsion.  She thinks that Stefan can do this too, if he just FOCUSES ON HIS GREAT LOVE FOR HER.  (And if the audience just believes in fairies and claps their hands really har, Tinkerbell will come back to life!)

“You mess with my fairytale, I’ll kick your butt!” 

Then, Elena tells him that he OWES it to her, just to snack on her blood, and not be such a PIG about it, which I guess is true . . . Though, given the fact that Stefan has saved Elena’s life about 25 times by now, one could just as easily argue that they are about even.  And he owes her nothing.

Whether or not his moral debts to Elena are actually paid, Stefan thinks Elena’s Speech is a Big Ole Crock of Sh*t, and tells her as much.  “I can’t help what I am,” he says, echoing Damon’s words to her from last week.  “The more blood I get the more I want.  And if I get so much as near yours, you are dead.”

How’s that for a Hallmark Card statement?  Romantic, right?

“If you don’t stop with these inspirational speeches, I’ll eat you, just to shut you up!”

Meanwhile, Tyler awakens next to Caroline, and learns that he is a hybrid in transition, who may or may not turn into a were zombie and die soon.  I notice that he isn’t acting nearly as weird or sick, as the were zombies from The Hybrid.  But that’s OK, I guess.

“Why do I feel like death?” 

Now, here’s the bugs me a little bit.  When Bonnie rushes in to tell Klaus that the Original Witch confirmed, through Vicki that the Doppelganger needs to be dead for Klaus to be able to make hybrids.   Though, I suspect this is what Klaus thought ALL ALONG.  Now, suddenly he has another idea on how to save his hybrid army . . .

During this time, the time clock runs down to zero, and Stefan rushes toward Elena to eat her.  To his credit, he DOES seem capable of fighting the compulsion a little bit, by grabbing on to walls and stuff, to slow himself down, and give Elena a chance to get away.  But he soon finds that Elena runs much too slow, even for this.

“Come on, Elena.  My Grandma runs faster than you.” 

So, Stefan decides to stake himself . . . again . . .

Klaus intervenes, and him and Stefan fight again, which, of course, gives Klaus the opportunity to correct his compulsion.  This time, he compels Stefan to TURN OFF HIS HUMANITY.

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“Hey Stefan, have you ever had sex with an Original Werevamp?  Would you like to?  I’ll take that as a yes.”

Even as a staunch Delena fan, I must admit, I found this quite tragic, as Stefan pleaded with Klaus not to do this to him, knowing precisely what it would entail.  And then, after it happened seeing Stefan staring vacantly into space, against the wall, was pretty darn creepy.

“I fixed him,” Klaus tells a heartbroken Elena, gleefully.

“You must be a Delena fan too.” 

Klaus then, once again, compels Stefan to eat Elena.  This time, Stefan rushes toward his victim, without staking himself, or bumping into walls.  So, in that sense, Klaus is correct about fixing him . . .

Someone needs a little Visine . . . 

In the following scene, we see Klaus offering a supposedly dying Tyler a vial of an apparently, still alive, Elena’s blood.

“Mmm . . . Elena tastes a bit like tequila.” 

Apparently, Klaus has magically figured out that the Original Witch has been pulling his leg all along.  Contrary to what he originally thought, he NEVER needed to KILL the Petrova Doppelganger to become a hybrid.   On the contrary, it is the Doppelganger’s blood that completes the transition from werewolf to were-zombie to were-vamp.

Werevamp Tyler looks a little like the boy from The Grudge .  . . 

Apparently, the Original Witch lied to Klaus, figuring that even if he succeeded in turning hybrid, which he did, if he KILLED the Doppelganger, he would never be able to build his Hybrid Dick Harem.  Tyler hesistates for all of about two seconds, before downing his friends blood.  The blood then starts leaking out of his mouth, and doing gross things.  But that’s OK, because then Tyler sort-of/ kind of shifts into his FIRST were vamp minion.  And Klaus is VERY, VERY pleased . . .

The Aftermath

Caroline and Tyler leave the school, seeming oddly happy, considering all that just went down right in front of their noses.  Tyler claims he feels better and stronger than ever.  And to prove it, he lifts Caroline up in the air, like she weighs nothing at all, which, always makes a girl feel awesome.  “This is going to be a GREAT YEAR,” Tyler whispers lovingly to Caroline.  Famous last words, Tyler.  Considering your officially Klaus’ bitch now, something tells me your year is going to SUCK, literally . . .

But hey, at least now, you and Caroline can be eternal life partners now!  And if you thought werewolf/vampire sex was good, you can imagine just how AMAZING vampire / hybrid sex will be!  (See, it always pays to look on the bright side of things!)

Elsewhere, Bonnie chastizes Matt for killing himself on the rare chance that he might be able to commune with the dead.  She reminds her buddy that he had the perfect opportunity to lead a normal life, and he pretty much just flushed it down the toilet.  Matt agrees, but, honestly, doesn’t seem all that torn up about the death of his so-called innocence.  He requests some time alone, to say goodbye to Vicki.  And this time, when she appears, he actually sees her.

“Now that you see me, would you mind calling Damon, and telling him I’d very much like to dance with him again?” 

(I’d say, YAY, to this, if I didn’t remember Anna saying that Vicki is evil now . . .  Sorry Matt, maybe next time you’ll think twice about stapping weights to your body, when you want to go for a swim . . .)

I’m sure you all are wondering how Elena’s doing, right?  Now that Ripper Stefan 3.0 (Now EMOTION FREE!) has dined on her neck . . .

We find Elena in a hospital bed.  (Phew!)  Unfortunately, the nurse caring for her has been compelled to take MORE blood from Elena, not put blood back, so that Klaus can use it for his were-vamp army!

Cue Damon’s arrival . . . FINALLY!  Our hero (who admittedly didn’t get to do much heroing this week), meets up with Klaus, and the two rape eachother, for a few seconds, which I have come to believe is their equivalent of a Secret Handshake.  Damon gets Klaus to stop raping him, by telling him that Big Bad Vampire Hunter Michael is back, so you better run.

And run, is exactly what Klaus and Rebekah plan to do.  After all, now that they have enough Doppelganger blood to convert a few werewolves into playmates for Klaus.  There’s plenty of fun to be had, outside Mystic Falls.  Rebekah inquires whether Klaus is really just doing all this hybrid-making stuff, so that he doesn’t have to be alone.  And Klaus actually gets a little weepy.

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*sniffle sniffle*

Really?  I’ll give you a hint, Klaus, if you want to make more friends, you might start by not TRYING TO KILL THREE-QUARTERS OF THE PEOPLE YOU MEET.   Most people don’t really like that . . .

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Sorry, Buddy.  It had to be said . . .

Damon then finds Elena at the hospital, and looks at her with a mixture of adoration, guilt and concern.

Then, in a perfect parallel to Damon’s rescue of Elena following The Sacrifice . . .

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 .  . . the Elder Salvatore Brother lifts her up and carries her out of the hospital back to his bedroom La Casa de Rich and Awesome, where she can remain safe in his warm muscular arms.  *sigh*

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“I promise you, I will never leave you again.”

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In his living room, Damon offers Elena some bourbon, and a part of me is secretly hoping that he’s doing it to get her wasted, so that he can have his way with her.

But no, this is GOOD Damon, we are talking about here.  Want an example of just how GOOD Damon is to Elena?  He offers to take her memories away, so she doesn’t have to be traumatized by the memories of her boyfriend going all Hannibal Lecter on her neck.

Some thoughts on this . . .  On one hand, this is a HUGELY unselfish, self-sacrificing gesture on Damon’s part.  After all, if he did it, Elena would undoubtedly, still remember Stefan as the boyfriend he once was, and pine after him, annoyingly, for the rest of the season.  This would obviously SERIOUSLY hinder Damon’s efforts at getting laid, among other things.

It also shows a shift in Damon’s ideas about what responsibility he has toward Elena.  Remember, back after “The Last Dance,” when Damon and Stefan argued over Damon’s decision not to tell Elena that Bonnie wasn’t really dead.  Then, Damon reasoned that breaking Elena’s heart, and potentially traumatizing her, was OK, as long as it ultimately kept her alive.

Damon’s removal of Elena’s memory would NOT be necessary to keep her alive.  (More on this, in a bit)  But it would be necessary to keep her happy.  Thus, showing that Damon’s love for Elena has grown to such an extent that he now, not only wants to keep her safe, but to keep her happy as well.

While completely romantic, this is troubling in its own way.  After all, if Elena’s memory of this episode was erased, she would undoubtedly head off on some crazy suicide mission to find Stefan again, which, would send her right into Klaus’ clutches, which, now we know, WOULDN’T immediately kill her, but it would pretty much assure her a life of slavery, and an eventual death by blood draining.

Fortunately, we don’t have to worry about this too much, because Elena refused to forget.  “I need to remember all of it,” Elena says staunchly.

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Then Damon gives Elena back her necklace, as he seems to do, just about every other episode now.  (Seriously, girlfriend, put that thing in a security locker, or something. :))  To be honest, I was disappointed he didn’t physically put it on her neck, this time.  But what we ended up getting was much better . . .

“He’s really gone, this time,” Elena says sadly.  “I saw it happen.  After everything we went through to save him, he’s just gone.”

Then Elena looks up at Damon with her big doe eyes, and asks, in a voice filled with vulnerabililty, and childlike insistence, “Where were you, Damon?”

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Damon then moves close to Elena, looks straight into her eyes, and clasps both her hands.  He then speaks to her, his voice trembling with guilt, devotion, and, above all love, “I shouldn’t have left.  I promise you.  I will never leave you again.”

Elena smiles.  And then they make sweet, sweet love on the Salvatore Floor . . .

Or at least they WOULD HAVE, if EVIL Stefan didn’t come to Cockblock.  “Well, well, well, isn’t this cozy?”  He says meanly.  (Though, honestly, he’s never looked hotter.)

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Apparently, Klaus has sent Stefan to keep his eye on his human blood bank, and her new lover.  Well . . . THAT’S certainly going to make things awkward . . .

Rise, Darth Vader Michael the Vampire Hunter

Elsewhere, Jeremy and Katherine (now there’s a pairing you don’t see everyday) come upon a church where Anna says Michael is buried.

Inside, there is a single tomb.  Katherine opens it, and sees and old dead dude, bound by heavy chains.  His eyes open abruptly.  The Vampire Hunter has officially returned .  . .

Peekaboo!  (I see you!) 

Next week’s installment, promises lots of RIPPING from Ripper Stefan, along with some sexually tense training in Vampire Fighting 101 between Damon and Elena *claps madly.*

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Oh, and Alaric’s back . . . Elena never did get the chance to glue his desk shut, did she?  Pity .  . .

You can check out the various promos for the episode, here:

Now, it’s your turn.  Sound off on all the crazy twists and turns of “The Reckoning” :  Emotion Free Stefan, Soon-to-be Less Lonely Klaus, Hybrid Tyler, Ghost Whisperer Matt, Wants-Badly-to-Have-Sex-with-Damon-Elena ;), and most importantly, MICHAEL.  Feel free to use the comment section, to BITE into all the juicy elements of this episode.  And remember, Ripper Stefan will be watching . . .

Until next time . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

KISS ME, You Viking Vamp! – A Recap of True Blood’s “I Hate You, I Love You” (a.k.a. “Me and the Devil”)

“DUDE!  Just start crying, and act like I scared you.  Trust me, it is TOTALLY going to get you laid!” 

 Howdy, Fangbangers!   The moment in the series that you’ve waited four seasons to see has finally arrived (THE SHOWER SCENE?).  It is the moment when Sookie begins to see Eric as more than just a super sexy stallion with fabulous abs, and the ability to give her mindblowing sex for six hours straight dangerous manipulative vampire who, ultimately, can’t be trusted.  Throughout the episode, we watch Sookie grow closer to Amnesia Eric (IN THE SHOWER????).   She finds herself instinctively wanting to protect him (FROM WATER THAT IS TOO HOT?), hold him tight (UP AGAINST THE WALL OF THE SHOWER?), and comfort him (BY RUBBING HIS MAN PARTS WITH SOAPY WATER?).  The “L” word is even tossed out once during the hour (LOTS OF SOAPY WATER?)

Unfortunately, this wasn’t the week for The Shower Scene . . .

But at the rate things are moving between these two, that can’t be too far away . . .  Oh, and some other stuff happened this week too.  So, I guess I’ll talk about that, as well . . .

Well . . at least we won’t have to worry about seeing Joe Lee in his underwear anymore!


R.I.P. Creepy Crotch Man and Mrs. Creepy Crotch!  We barely knew you (but we hated you, anyway)!

When we last left Tommy Boy, the REALLY ANNOYING poor kid was on his hands and knees with a chain around his neck.  (It may sound kinky, but it was actually pretty awful.)

Apparently, Ma and Pa Creepy Crotch were low on funds, and needed their Meal Ticket son to start dog fighting for them again.  But the Creepy Crotches made one fatal mistake:  NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A HORMONAL TEENAGE BOY WHO CAN TURN INTO A PITBULL, AT WILL!

“Just because I’m not old enough to vote, doesn’t mean I can’t chew your face like a doggy biscuit.”

Soon enough, Tommy gets the upper hand in this fight.  Within minutes, he has somehow managed to remove the chains from his neck, and put them around JOE LEE!  Now, I must say, while I’m happy with the ultimate outcome (Those Creepy Crotches HAD TO GO!), I am a little disappointed with this so-called “Big Epic Fight Scene.”  I mean . . . think about it . .  .here we have THREE SHAPESHIFTERS at battle with one another.  So, already the ten-year old in my head is coming up with all sorts of potential animal matchups . . . like a game of Shifter Rock, Paper, Scissor.  (Now, if Tommy becomes a Bear . . . and  Joe Lee a Tiger . . . and Mama Mickens a Lion, who will win?)

(The BEAR . . . obviously!) 

But I guess Alan Ball and Co. decided not to do that, since it would make Tommy’s ultimate murder of his parents (He whacked them both on the head with a metal pipe, in a clear gesture of self-defense), less “poignant” and “meaningful.”  Whatever . . . I just really wanted to see a Boxing Bear!

Of course, as we know, when it comes to Tommy, when the going gets tough, the tough whine to Sam.  So, off drives our anti-hero (with his dead parental units rotting away in the back seat of a stolen truck) to Sam’s house.  As douchey as Sam can be sometimes, he looks way better with his shirt off than Joe Lee he truly loves his brother, and can’t bear to see him waste away in jail, especially for doing something that, in all honesty, will probably make the world a better place with less ugly naked people in it.  So, when Tommy barges into Sam’s bedroom crying about the “little accident” he had, Sam vows to help him cover up his crimes . . .

“I have something important to ask you, Tommy.  So, please, be honest.  I look better without my shirt on than Joe Lee looks, right?  RIGHT?” 

Sam’s and Tommy’s Escape Plan hits a bit of a road block, when Sam’s truck gets pulled over by Sheriff V Addict, Andy Bellefleur . . .

Tommy contemplates turning himself in to Andy.  However, surprisingly enough, it’s Closet Bad Ass Sam’s idea that he hide in the trunk with his parents’ corpses instead.  (Talk about a Parent – Child Bonding Moment).  Despite Sam’s vigorous protests, Andy seems insistent on searching Sam’s trunk (probably because he thinks there might be V in there).  However, when Andy opens the door to search, he is greeted by . . . a crocodile . . . or is it an alligator . . . I can never tell the difference.

Andy understandably freaks out.  And after Sam makes some lame excuse about wanting to “return the animal to the wild,”  Sheriff V-Addict is more than happy to go back to his car and do some more drugs.  Once again, I was a tad disappointed by the “Shifter Choice” here.   I would have REALLY liked to see Tommy turn into a PIG, if only so that I could hear Andy scream THIS again . . .

Interestingly enough, Sam’s lie about returning the alligator to the wild, has some truth to it, since a nearby lake is precisely where the brothers bury Ma and Pa Creepy Crotch’s bodies.  When they don’t sink right away, Sam tosses a handful of marshmallows in the water near the bodies, because, apparently, crocs/ alligators like marshmallows.  (So much, for Ma and Pa Creepy Crotch coming back as vampires in Season 5.  Zombies, maybe?)  This is great, since now I know what to buy my pet Crocodile for a snack.  Thanks True Blood!

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Tommy is kind of turned on impressed by how good Sam is at covering up murders.  So, by way of explanation, Sam clues Tommy in on his OWN double homicide of Lexi and Elijah from The Vampire Diaries his con artist ex girlfriend and her slimeball boyfriend.

Is it a bad sign, that I actually think this is the sexiest picture of Sam Trammell I have in my arsenal?  Oddly enough, when he’s NOT bat shit crazy and shooting people, he just doesn’t “do it” for me . . .

There’s nothing like swapping murder stories, and burying corpses, when it comes to bonding brothers together.  I suspect that this is the beginning of a beautiful BROMANCE  . . .

Well, at least until Tommy inevitably turns into a Skinwalker, as a result of killing his parents  . . .

So . .  . yeah . . . for the past two seasons, I’ve found the Sam and Tommy storyline INCREDIBLY lame.  However, as I’ve mentioned in other recaps, I think the Skinwalker concept has the potential to be VERY COOL, if done correctly.  And, while I would rather, SAM have the power than Tommy, I suspect the latter will find more “creative” uses for it than Sam ever could .  . .

That will teach you to have sex in front of your Evil Baby . . .

“Man . . .  PTSD . . . Serial Killers . . . Maenad Possession . . . Evil Babies.  Life was so much easier when I was on Gilmore Girls and dating that Lane chick . . .”

Is it just me, or did Arlene seem to handle the “Message from the Great Beyond” on her living room wall WAY better than she handled Evil Baby pulling the heads off the Barbie dolls or giving her Pink Eye . . .


“Clearly, Mommy appreciates my mad artistic skills!”

In fact, Arlene actually seemed a bit relieved that (1) her husband no longer thinks she’s a TOTAL nutbar; and (2) since the message referred to the “Baby” in the third person, said Baby probably didn’t write the message.  Awwww, Silly Arlene!  Hasn’t she ever met those annoying people who always refer to themselves BY NAME when they talk?  Can’t Evil Baby be one of them?

No matter.  Suddenly, Arlene is clutching her Devil Spawn to her chest, and telling Terry that the Big Bad Scary Ghost Graffitti artist better not harm her sweet child, or she will just scream a it REALLY LOUD, using that grating voice of hers . .  .

Interestingly enough, it’s actually Terry who’s idea it is to hire the Local Exorcists to come and chase the Evil away . . .  Said Local Exorcists end up being none other than Tara’s Terrible Mama, Skunk Head Lettie Mae . . .

Did an animal die on your head, or is your Ugly Ass Wig just really happy to see me?

 . . . and the Reverend she started boning last season . . .


As far as Demon Hunters go, Lettie and the Rev are pretty underwhelming.  Apparently, their idea of exorcising demons is singing folk songs and throwing salt around the house.  That’s all?  I wanted screaming, and chanting, and funny dances around the room!  Honestly, Terry and Arlene should have hired Marnie and the witches, or that (now dead) pharmacy worker who took $800 dollars from Tara to “cure her and her mom’s” EVILNESS.  At least THOSE GUYS would have put on a show!

I think my favorite part of the scene was when Arlene inappropriately told Lettie Mae how grateful she was that “you people” could do something like this for her.  (Because, apparently it isn’t a True Blood episode, if Arlene isn’t saying something RACIST.)  Seeing Lettie Mae’s furious response to her inquiry, Arlene quickly tried to cover up, by claiming she was merely referring to them being “very black religious.”  However, Lettie Mae was not fooled, and probably left one or two demons in Arlene’s house, just out of spite . . .

This, of course, brings me to later that night, when Arlene and Terry are SO HAPPY that their house is “free of demons” that they decide to SCREW IN BED, with their Evil Baby taking notes “sleeping” just a few inches away . . .

“What can I say, I’m an exhibitionist!” 

Arlene and Terry just seem SO THRILLED and relieved about their new demon-free home, that you just KNOW Evil Baby is going to do something to piss on their parade.  And PISS, he does . . .

Nope, that’s not the “Passion of Your Love” you smell burning, folks.  It’s your roof . . . 

The Ancestor F*&ker Strikes Again . . .

Bill must be better in the sack than I thought, if his great, great, great, great granddaughter is STILL willing to screw his brains out, despite it being TOTALLY NAUSEATING that they did it in the first place.  I have to say, it smells SUPER a smidge desperate, not to mention sad, when Portia barges into La Casa de Bill and, using her admittedly admirable legal research skills, begins providing Bill with an ORAL (no pun intended) report in support of incest.  (Honey, what you are doing may not be illegal, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t REALLY, REALLY gross!)

Unable to get his “grandchild” to listen to reason, Bill resorts to compulsion, glamouring  Portia, not only to NOT be sexually attracted to him, but to be so repulsed by the New King of Louisiana that the mere sight of him makes her want to scream . . .

And SCREAM Portia does, as she dashes from the house like a Bat Out of Grandpa F*&ker Hell . . .

“Was it something I said?” 

Speaking of victims of unwanted sexual advances by inbreds . . .

Good Gravy, HOYT!

Best . . . GIF . . . EVER! 

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When we last left Jason, he had successfully escaped Crystal and those inbred freaks from Hotshot, and was being rescued, by his best pal, and his best pal’s modelesque vampire girlfriend, who fed him blood to heal his wounds.  The pair drove him back to his house, where Jessica, who’s surprisingly maternal, I might add, gently deposited our Sexy Shirtless Martyr onto a bed that thankfully did not include handcuffs, ceremonial face mud, or 14-year old girls wanting to get de-flowered . . .

Hoyt is so proud of his girlfriend for her Mad Healing Skills, that  he is literally holding on to his heart.  Mr. “I Don’t Need That Sh*t” has finally come to appreciate the wonders of drinking vampire blood.  And, to celebrate, he would like very much to get laid . . .

Unfortunately, Jess’s crushing guilt over glamouring Hoyt to forget her recent infidelities has put a major damper on her sex buzz.

Sorry Hoyt! 

Hoyt senses Jess’s discomfort and wonders whether she killed another trucker.  Oddly enough, Hoyt’s guess is not that far from the truth, since Jess’s Trucker Murder started out being kind of sexual too!  Hoyt is just confused as to who drank who’s blood is all!  When Jess offers to take Hoyt home with her, he pouts, and opts to stay at Jason’s.  (Perhaps, he thinks he will have a better chance getting laid by Ghost Daddy, than by his own girlfriend.)

The next day at Merlottes, Jason fills Hoyt in on the horror that is a Werepanther Gang Bang . . .

Unfortunately for Jason, Hoyt’s been so hard up for sex lately that it doesn’t sound all that bad to him!  As a result, Jason doesn’t quite get the sympathy he is seeking.  He does, however, experience an epiphany of sorts, something akin to his religious conversion of Season 2, only MUCH FUNNIER!  Jason recognizes something we’ve known about him all along Alan Ballthe Lord is punishing him for HAVING SO MUCH SEX.

Remember Jason’s priapism . . . his addiction to V . . . that time when all his girlfriends kept getting killed, and the town thought he was a serial killer?  Every bad thing that ever happened to Jason in True Blood history could really be traced back to one thing SEX ADDICTION . . .

You may be addicted to sex, Jason Stackhouse.  But WE are addicted to WATCHING YOU HAVE IT! 

My favorite part of the scene had to be when Jason impersonated the Lord himself, who is clearly smiting him, for being such a slut:  “Jason Stackhouse, you have f*&ked too many hot women . . . see how you like it now,” mimicked Jason, in his best God Voice.  Oh, also, Jason, apparently calls Hoyt “Bubba.”  How adorable is that?

Speaking of Bubba TOTALLY kept interrupting Jason’s “Sex is Bad” story to complain about the “distance between him and Jess.”  HELLO!  Hoyt!  Gangbanging Torture versus Little Lovers Quarrel?  NO CONTEST!

There’s a Full Moon out in Bon Temps tonight, so we know that Jason is headed for some Big Trouble.  But, for now, the Lord takes pity on Jason, and gives him a V-induced sex dream .  . .

 HEY!  Where did your Gang Bang Scars GO, Ghost Daddy?  This MUST be a dream!

My FAVORITE sex dreams of ALL TIME are the ones where you know that you are dreaming, and, therefore, have free reign to make things as AWESOME as you want them to be.  They happen rarely, but when they do happen, they ROCK!  Jason gets to have one of those dreams, this week.  And Dream Jess starts riding him, like he’s a mechanical bull at a Honky Tonk bar . . . but not before admitting to him that he is, in fact, dreaming.  This way, he doesn’t have to feel like he’s screwing over his best friend.  EVERYBODY WINS!

Ride em’ Cowgirl! 

But then Dream Jess starts talking about what sex positions Hoyt prefers DURING the act.  And I don’t care how hot you are, that’s a SERIOUS SEX NO, NO!  What’s worse, Dream Jess starts SHOUTING OUT HOYT’S NAME while she “O’s.”  And THAT’S when things start getting REALLY weird . . .

“Oh HOYT!” 

Good Gravy, INDEED!  Poor Jason!  He can’t even have an innocent sex dream without being punished by the Man Upstairs for doing so.  Then again, who knows?  Maybe he LIKES having sex with Hoyt . . .

Free Agency – It’s Not Just for Athletes Anymore

We had this one seemingly completely random Alcide scene this week, in which some strange long-haired guy comes to his house in the middle of the night (Hey Alcide!  What’s with the tank top?  Why the hell don’t you sleep shirtless?  What’s the matter? You don’t love us anymore?), claiming to be the Werewolf Packmaster of Shreveport.  Packmaster Marcus is, apparently, very intent on Alcide joining his little wolf club.  But Alcide assures “Marcus” that he’s a LONE WOLF / FREE AGENT, and has no interest in running in this greasy-haired guy’s pack.

YOU GO ALCIDE!  I can almost forgive you for keeping your shirt on . . . almost.

Ahhh . . . much better! 

Book readers will agree that Alcide’s “lone wolf” status is a fairly significant departure from the series.  And I can’t help but wonder how it will affect future storylines.

As for Marcus, those of you who saw the promos for later episodes in the season, will undoubtedly recognize him as Luna’s CRAZY EX BOYFRIEND.  So, it seems that Alcide’s storyline will probably cross path’s with Sam’s at some point, for better or worse . . .

Over the River and Through the Woods, to Grandpa Goat Killer’s House, We GO!

After Marnie made Pam’s face fall off last week, my Laffy Taffy, Lala, had some choice words to say to her.  “Hooker, you pissed off another vampire, and then took a nap!”  He exclaims, when Witchiepoo (as Laffy calls her . . . and I will now call her, for the rest of her time on the show), wakes up wondering what went down . . .

“I have a killer headache.  Being possessed is EXHAUSTING!” 

When Witchiepoo explains that she had been possessed by someone who was “trying to protect them,”  Lala thinks she’s full of crap, and leads Laffy and Tara out of the forest, and away from the Crazy!

“Don’t leave now!  The party is just getting started.  I brought TWISTER!” 

Jesus somehow gets in his head the brilliant (read “ridiculous”) idea that his old mean grandpa in New Orleans can help them defeat the vampires.  Jesus believes this to be true, because when he was a little kid, his grandfather made him stab his pet goat and lick the knife.

Ummm . . . OK? 

The sex with Jesus must be really good, because Lala actually AGREES to go on this little roadtrip with his boyfriend to visit this Old Fart Animal Abuser.  When they arrive, Old Fart claims that he was expecting them.  Sure you were Grandpa . . . sure you were . . .

And now, for the juicy stuff . . .

“I Dream of Sookie”

“And I dream of Amnesia Eric!” 

Peeping Toms are generally creepy . . . unless they look like Alexander Skarsgar, in which case, they are AWESOME!

We watch Amnesia Eric ogling Sookie’s sleeping form for a few moments, until Godric (He Never REALLY dies, does he?) appears out of nowhere, and starts stroking our Viking Vamp in an extremely homoerotic fashion . . .

“Awww!  Amnesia Eric, you are SO CUTE!  I just want to pinch your little cheeks!” 

In distinctly un-Godric-like fashion,  Yoda Vamp instructs Eric that his true nature leaves him incapable of love.  Amnesia Eric argues that Sookie can redeem him.  Yoda Vamp says, “NAHHHH!”  So, really, as far as he is concerned, Amnesia Eric just just embrace his true nature, and Eat Sookie . . .

SUCKY , SUCKY! 

And walk into the sunlight with Godric . . .

The image of himself making Sookie scream (just wait until the SHOWER SCENE) upsets Eric so much that he wakes up with a start . . .

That’s it!  No more Fairy drinking before bedtime!

A horny  scared Amnesia Eric rushes into Sookie’s bed, in desperate need of cuddles from his Very Bad Dream  . . .

“I just want to be close to you, Sookie!  That’s why I’m going to rub my head on your “flower.” 

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A completely guileless Amnesia Eric explains his dream to Sookie.  And she, in turn, tells Eric what a nice DUDE Godric was.  And how, in real life, he’d be TOTALLY cool with this Eric’s new discovery of his “sensitive side.”  Wearing her little cupid shirt, Sookie strokes Eric’s hair like a mom comforting a little kid, but the hungry way she’s looking at him, tells another story, entirely.

Amnesia Eric seems particularly perturbed this week by what a Sex on a Stick  complete asshat he was capable of being, during his “Old Life.”  He wants to know if he used to be evil.  And Sookie kindly explains that, while he certainly wasn’t Ghandi, he wasn’t the Maenad, either.

“Silly Amnesia Eric . . . Ghandi could never those abs!   (Wait a minute, wouldn’t AMNESIA make him forget who Ghandi was?)

This prompts Amnesia Eric to inquire as to whether he can spend the rest of he evening in Sookie’s bed.

AWWWW YEAH!

Clearly, wanting a little more Viking in her, Sookie agrees, provided that Amnesia Boy keep his hands and his fangs to himself.  “I would never hurt anything as beautiul as you,” whispers Eric, as he cleverly pulls Sookie in for a tight affectionate spooning session.  (So much, for keeping his hands to himself!)

 

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“Hey Sookie, squeeze my nipples!”  Firm, aren’t they?  Before I got amnesia, I used to work out!”

“When my Grams tells me to run, I RUN!  (She DIDN’T.  And look what happened to her!)

Wanting to get to the bottom of this Amnesia Eric Thing once and for all (though, to be honest, I can’t imagine why . . . not with all the great sex she’s about to have), Sookie mindreads Witchy Waitress Holly to find out where Marnie, a.k.a. the Witch Who Made Eric Adorable and Pam . . . Not So Much keeps her shop.  At first, Marnie is hesitant of helping Sookie.  But, for whatever reason, when the Fairy Waitress explains that her favorite shows growing up were Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Charmed she decides to oblige . . .

What about BUFFY, Sookie?  You mean, you weren’t a Vampire Slayer fan? 

I actually really enjoy when Sookie puts on her “sweet country girl” act, in order to do investigative work.  For one thing, it tends to make her voice and accent A LOT less shrill.  For another, this was something that Book Sookie used to do all the time.  So, it’s nice to see that aspect of the stories played out so well, by Anna P . . .

At first, it seems pretty obvious that, without her Moon Goddess Possessor, Marnie is nothing more than fraudulent, no-talent hack.  She starts grasping at straws with Sookie, as most mind readers are wont to do.  But, of course, Sookie’s Fiesty Dead Nana sees an opportunity, and decides to take it . . .

“I’m BAAACK!” 

Grams proceed to give Sookie three important pieces of advice.  Two I liked VERY MUCH.  One . . . I didn’t AT ALL!  Let’s see if you can guess, which one . . . Granny says:

(1)  Watch out for your brother he’s on the run from some Inbred Sex Fiends, and at serious risk for sprouting hair in some VERY unattractive places . . .

“Save me, Sookie . . . from my overused weiner, and from myself!”

2) Don’t give your heart to Vampire Eric.  His amnesia is only temporary .  . .

And, finally . . .

(3) RUN FROM THAT CRAZY B*TCH, MARNIE!

And run is exactly what Sookie decides to do, right out that door and into Amnesia Eric’s pants.

Now, for the part you’ve all been waiting for . . .

Nothing Like the Taste of Vampire Tongue in the Evening . . .

Back at Sookie’s house, her and Tara share a little bonding sesh, in which Tara finally admits to being a Cage Fighting Lezzy, who’s girlfriend just found out that she lied about her name, when she received her Social Security checks.

(OK.  . . explain this to me.  Why is Tara getting Social Security checks, again?  If it’s due to her age, she sure looks great for sixty-something!)

Shrink Sookie comforts Tara, just as she did with Amnesia Eric a few hours earlier.  (WOAH!  What’s with Sookie being all nice, wise, and advice-giving, all of the sudden.  It’s weird . . . Maybe she has amnesia too!)

Sorry, honey!  I just tell it like it is . . . 

Sookie instructs Tara to fight to win back her girlfriend, and to always be honest.  But Tara doesn’t exactly take to these Hallmark card statements.  She cleverly wonders whether Sookie could ever forgive Bill for lying to her.   (NO WAY!  HELL NO!  DON’T DO IT, SOOKIE!  Not when you have a REAL MAN around the house . . .)  Of course, Sookie pragmatically sidesteps the question.  But, when she realizes that it’s almost vampire wakeup time, she quickly and rudely kicks Tara out so that she can get down to having Shower Sex with Amnesia Eric.

Unfortunately for Sookie, however, this wakeup call came too late . . .

“Hey Tara, would you mind berating me, for a little while, I’m REALLY trying to close the deal with Sookie.  And she seems to really dig my weepy vulnerable side . . .  Just don’t make fun of my hair, OK?”

Oh, Tara!  I was actually starting to LIKE you, this season.  But I should have known that you’d be back to your self-righteous b*tchy self, before long.  When Eric emerges, Tara holds a gun at him.  And he bares his fangs at her.  (BITE HER, ERIC!  BITE HER!  SUCK HER DRY!)  Despie having become quite the pathological liar herself, of late, Tara is FURIOUS with Sookie for laying all this B.S. on her about honesty, while she was secretly harboring a Viking Vampire in her pants bed.

Tara then proceeds to helpfully recap EVERY SINGLE BAD THING Eric ever did on the show, since Episode 1 (undoubtedly saving many new fans from having to buy the DVD, in the process).  Meanwhile, Eric looks on shocked and horrified.  And Sookie just wants her friend to shut the heck up.  Finally, Tara leaves . . .

And it’s time for my FAVORITE Seric moment of the evening.

With Tara finally gone, a tearful Amnesia Eric wonders whether everything she said about him is true.

Sookie, of course, can’t deny it.  So, instead, she tries to bolster Amnesia Eric’s shaken confidence by telling him what a big weiner he has.  How capable of decency and genuine change he his, and how kind.  She also tells him that she likes him . . . just the way he is, which, of course, reminds me of a SIMILARLY AWESOME scene on ANOTHER vampire show . . .

The parallels between Sookie and Eric’s first “Sookie-initiated” kiss, and Damon and Elena’s first “Elena-initiated” one, are actually quite striking.  And if I didn’t only have one hour left to finish this recap, I’m sure I would bore you to tears with them.  So, be thankful I’m in a bit o a rush.

Anywhoo . . . unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) Sookie’s incessant complimenting of Eric DOESN’T make him feel better at all.  Or, perhaps it does, but he instinctively knows, if he plays his cards right, he can get MUCH more.  So, a dejected Eric trudges out into the darkness alone.  “There is a light in you that is so beautiful, I couldn’t bare it if I snuffed it out,” he says solemnly, as he’s leaving.  All together now:  AWWWW!

“Oh, come on, Sookie!  You’re not REALLY going to let me leave, after a line like that . . . are you?” 

So, out of the house runs Sookie, doing her best Fairy Godmother impersonation . . .

“Get in my panties, you Big Burly Hunk of Man Meat!”

Eric rushes into Sookie’s arms, and they share a sweet innocent embrace, that gradually loses its innocence . . .

Once those two started embracing like that, I had a feeling SOMETHING was going to happen.  But I figured it would have to be Eric who initiated it.  What ACTUALLY happened was MUCH better . . .

“Mmmm .  . . your ear smells good.  Let me taste it.” 

“Mmmm delicious . . . I wonder if your tongue tastes the same way . . .”

You know, a few book fans expressed some annoyance here about the Seric coupling storyline moving too slow, or at least, significantly slower than it did in the book.  But I actually felt like Sookie and Eric’s progression from sexually charged-antagonists . . . to unlikely roommates . . . to mutual protectors . . . to lovers came across as very natural the way it was done here.  Particularly, in this episode, you could see Sookie’s feelings for Eric begin to grow and change.  I think the clincher moment for her, was when Marnie asked Sookie if she was newly in love, and she blushed, as if the thought had never occurred to her  . . . but then seemed to realize, at least subconsciously, that she WAS.

And of course, this wouldn’t be a recap of MINE without a sexy MAKEOUT GIF for you to enjoy, would it?

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So, OF COURSE, Cockblock Bill has to screw this up, right?

“You F*&k with my Face, it’s Time to DIE!” 

Poor Pam!  She sure looked hideous with her falling off face, and creepy veil, didn’t she?  “Just what the world needs, more beekeepers,” Bill snarked, when his adversary’s maker threw herself at his mercy.  Pam was out for blood, thinking that Marnie deserved to die for her crimes against memory and pretty faces.  But Bill, of course, didn’t agree (LAME!).  He instead decides to bring Marnie in for questioning, using his Wiccan Mole, Katie, to catch her by surprise . . .

In jail, Marnie has another flashback, care of the CHICK WHO’S possessing her.  It involves said witch praying with a bunch of other witches in her jail cell, when a bunch of priests and assorted religious figures, enter the room, and proceed to vamp out and eat her friends . . .

(Maybe it’s the naughty girl in me, but I kind of love the idea of Vampire Priests . . . almost as much as I love Bill’s suggestion that there are currently vampires working for Fox News.  It actually explains a lot. ;))

King Bill interrogates the jailed Marnie, first over the loudspeaker, and then by glamouring her in her jail cell.  (COME ON, WITCH POSSESSOR!  You gave Eric amnesia . . . you took off Pam’s face . . . and Bill gets NOTHING?  Have you no decency?)

There he is, Marnie!  Make his weiner fall off! 

(Come on!  You know you want to do it!)

Unfortunately, both methods of interrogation yield the same result.  Marnie genuinely seems to “lose time” when possessed, and therefore, genuinely has NO CLUE how to undo all the havoc she has wreaked.  Pam is going to be PISSED!

King Bill calls a meeting of all the remaining Sheriffs in Louisiana (Eric is obviously too busy screwing Sookie to attend.).  He warns them of the danger of witches.  One Sheriff thinks witches are silly.  King Bill does NOT APPROVE . . .

I must say, I was rather impressed by the diversity of the Sheriffs in this decidely Red State.  Let’s see . . . We have a Blond GOD . . .

“At your service.” 

A fairly hot teenager-looking dude . . .

 . . . a woman who looks like she belongs on CNN as a news anchor (or, perhaps, at a Biker Bar  . . . take your pick) . . .

 . . . and a guy who is destined to play the Evil Pharoah in remake of The Ten Commandments (or Jafar in the live-action version of Aladdin) . . .

This last sheriff is arguably the most important, since he appeared in the Marnie Flashback, and knows first-hand the damage that witches can do.

Looks different with HAIR . . . 

Out of all the sheriffs, he seems to be the only one willing to kill Marnie (and as we see from the promos for the final half of the season, he doesn’t do a very good job).  Eventually, the stress of the situation gets the best of Pam, and she starts monologuing about how important it is for the sheriffs to band together and KILL THE B*TCH!  “She gave Eric amnesia!”  Pam accidentally lets slip.

Now Bill knows Pam has been hiding something, as this is the first he’s heard of this information . . .

“I’m so MAD AT YOU, I COULD JUST EAT OFF THE REST OF YOUR NASTY FACE!” 

Without much coaxing at all, Bill is able to elicit from Pam some even more pertinent information . . . that Amnesia Eric is f*&king hiding at Sookies . . .

OH PAM!  WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?  We’ve always been buds, and all.  But I SWEAR, if you sick Bill on Amnesia Eric, and prevent me from getting my Shower Scene, I WILL CUT YOU!  Just sayin . . .

And that’s all I’ve got for this week’s True Blood installment.  Well . . . almost ALL . .  Before I go, I’d like to leave you with a few parting gifts . . .

(1) A link to fabulous fansite where I collect most (if not all) of the spectacular screencaps you see here . . .

(2) A link to a place where you can view, in its entirety, the juicy spoilery True Blood panel from this year’s Comic Con

(3) And finally, the most tantalizing trailer in True Blood history . . .

Have a Fangtastic week, everyone!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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(Text) Messages from Beyond the Grave – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “The Devil You Know”

Somewhere in Hell Heaven, Alison DiLaurentis is hopping mad that her photograph has been discarded, along with the half-eaten fruits and stale lunch meats.  Meanwhile, on Earth, a TV Recapper simply wonders why no one in Rosewood recycles newspaper . . .

Hello, my Pretties!  It’s time for another installment of “A Knows Everything, and Everybody Acts Shady.”  Surprisingly enough, although this episode was depressingly Dr. WREN-LESS . . .

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 . . . and disconcertingly Abs Toby-Free . . .

Pretty Little Spoby

 . . . it still ended up being one of my favorite PLL episodes of the season.

HUH?

Why? You ask . . .

Because, after weeks and weeks of simply raising more questions, this show FINALLY gave us answers . . . It finally gave us (well . . . at least some of) the TRUTH!

Actually, Mr. Nicholson . . . WE CAN!

So, call up Dolce, Gabbana & Liebowitz, put on your least appropriate funeral dress, and pull up a chair in the local cemetery, because it’s time to get started with this recap . . .

Mystery Solved?  Not so fast . . .

“Hi Girls, it’s Police Boy Garrett!  I just happened to be passing through the school boning Blind Jenna in the janitor’s closet, when I saw all you lovely ladies sitting here.  So, I decided to share with you some important information that the viewers needed to know about Dead Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian.”

When we last left our Pretty Little Liars, they were huddled in a barn together, ogling the gory body of Spencer’s Sister’s Dead Fiance . . .

That’s ME!”

 . . . a traumatizing image that basically guarantees that this foursome will be spending the rest of their lives in therapy . . .

*does Happy Dance* “YEAH!  Show me the MONEY!”  (I’d be smiling right now, but . . . you know . . . Botox.)

Back at school, the girls kindly recap for us what happened last week.  Once they are done doing that, Police Boy Garrett arrives with some lame excuse about “returning evidence to the gym.”  Come on GARRETT!  We all know what (or perhaps I should say WHO) you were doing . . .

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit . . .

Police Boy Garrett has some new information for the girls about Dead Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian.  Or, at least it’s new if you never saw the promos for this week’s episode.  He tells them that the autopsy on Ian’s body proves that, by the time he was found, Ian had already been . . . dead FOR A WEEK!

There must be something magical about Police Boy Garrett’s information reveal.  Because the moment it happens, Spencer and Emily seem to switch bodies.  We know this has happened the minute Emily starts making The Spencer Face.

From that moment on, Emily spends the rest of the episode doing Spencer Things like “Super Sleuthing,” “Mystery Solving,” “Suspect Interrogation,” and “Love Interest Judging.”  This is a side of Emily we had never seen before!  And having the opportunity to see it now, makes me almost as excited as I was the first time we met Drunk Emily . . .

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GOOD TIMES!

Spencer!Emily Deciphers Coded Suicide Notes!

After the rest of the girls leave the outdoor lounge (with Emily!Spencer undoubtedly wondering why she is suddenly crushing on girls) Spencer!Emily receives (SURPRISE!) yet another cryptic text message from “A.”  The difference of course, is, while most of A’s messages to the girls are merely mean, or annoying, this one is actually quite helpful! 

That’s right Spencer!Emily!  It’s time to do some Detective Work . . .

Helping Emily out is the fact that the girls have not only had the foresight to photograph Ian’s suicide note . . .

 . . . they’ve also saved every text message any of them have ever received from “A” on their cell phones.

Although an enterprising fan had already put together these clues for us last week, I have to say, I was rather impressed with the Mix N’ Match / Word Jumble way Emily figured out that Ian’s so-called suicide note was really nothing more than a list of A’s Greatest Text Messaging Hits. 

(Though, honestly, he or she really should have considered including My Personal Favorite “A” Message in this list . . .)

“Lions and Tigers and B*tches, Oh MY!”

(I still haven’t figured out how “A” managed to insert a text message into a Fortune Cookie!  Best Magic Trick EVER!)

You know what this means, don’t you?  Either Dead Creepy Pedo Ian was an extremely avid Pretty Little Liars fan, OR Ian had died back in the Bell Tower, and “A” shot him and forged the suicide note, to make it look like he wrote it . . .

But, not to worry Spencer!Emily fans!  Our Veronica Mars 3.0 (because the real Spencer is Veronica Mars 2.0, obviously) isn’t finished sleuthing.  Not . . . even  . . . close.

Spencer!Emily Interrogates Fed Ex Dude!

No offense, Logan Reed, but I remember you being a bit hotter you were on this show . . .

Open your legs and spread ’em!  (I think I’ve seen a few pornos that began this way.)

While picking up a package at Fed Ex, Emily notices a familiar face behind the counter.  (Cue The Spencer Face!)  Upon further investigation, she learns that Fed Ex Dude is actually Logan Reed.   Remember him?  He’s the guy who SOMEONE paid off to take the ransom money Police Boy Garrett and the girls used to try to catch Creepy Pedo Ian in the act of stealing the incriminating Dead Ali Snuff Porn video that “A” sent to them.

Ohhhh YEAH!  I remember him!”

Poor Logan Reed pretty much pees himself, upon realizing that Emily recognizes him.  So, he runs away from her like a B*tch!

Your ass is GRASS, Mister!”

However, with a little persistence, Spencer!Emily is eventually able to get Logan to talk.  He tells her that he had never even met Dead Creepy Zombie Pedo Ian.  Rather, he found an advertisement on line, offering him cash, if he pretended to be Ian and picked up some ransom money.  After Logan accepted the “job,” the rest of the transaction was completed by phone.  And the person on the other end of the line was . . . A WOMAN!

Now, I give credit where credit is due.  And I have to say, for a PLL I have always described as being not the brightest bulb in the lamp, Emily has shown herself to be pretty smart this week.  So, of course, before the episode ends, she has to do something PRETTY DARN STUPID to “even things out a bit” . . .

Spencer!Emily Trusts Police Boy Garrett (AGAIN!)

EMILY: “Hey, aren’t you that guy from the Lizzie McGuire Movie?”

GARRETT:  “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

It’s been almost a year?  Haven’t the PLL girls learned by now that all the cops in Rosewood are shady douche-monkeys, who just happen to look good with their shirts off?  Just like all Rosewood teachers like to make monkey with their younger students.

Oh, Deputy Douchey!  I miss YOU!

For whatever reason, Spencer!Emily gets the bonehead idea to tell Police Boy Garrett about Logan Reed, and the whole Ransom Money Thing . . .

Riiiiight . . . because this guy has been SO helpful and trustworthy thus far, it TOTALLY makes sense to confide in him again. 

Initially, of course, Police Boy Garrett shrugs off Emily’s information, basically telling her that Logan Reed doesn’t matter, since Ali’s killer, i.e. Ian, has already “confessed.”  Later, however, we see him (1) paying Logan WADS OF CASH to leave town, and never talk to Emily, or any of the PLL girls, again .  . .

Wow!  That’s a lot of Green Stuff!  They must pay cops REALLY WELL in Rosewood, which is strange, especially considering how bad they all suck.

 . . . and (2) calling Blind Jenna to tell her everything has gone according to plan. 

Hey Baby, what are you wearing?”

“I don’t know.  Whatever Toby dressed me in, this morning.”

In all honesty, I think most of us had figured out, long before this episode aired, that Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett were the ones who orchestrated the Ian Porn Tape Handoff, last season.  But still, it was nice to FINALLY get conclusive evidence that this had occurred.  And yet, aside from doing whatever it takes to keep their own relationship a secret, Police Boy Garrett’s and Blind Jenna’s connection to “A” and/or Ali’s murder still remains to be seen .  . .

But fear not, my Pretties!  Spencer!Emily still has one more sleuthing trick up her sleeve.  However, I’m going to save that one for the very end of this recap, just to keep you guessing . . .

Speaking of Emily’s alter-ego / body swapping partner for the week . . .

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished (especially, when you are related to an EVIL WENCH like Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa)

Coincidentally, this is a photograph of Melissa .  . . about two seconds before her head starts spinning around and spewing out green stuff.

Normally known for her Nancy Drew-itus, Spencer was surprisingly Emily-like this week, in that she opted to steer completely clear of “A”-themed drama, in favor of “moving on with her life.”  In fact, when Emily first came to her with all her Super Sleuth News, Spencer COMPLETELY BLEW HER OFF!

Unfortunately for Spencer, A had other plans for her snarkiest victim.  It all started when Spencer decided to do something nice for her traumatized, but still patently unlikeable, sister, by convincing her parents to give Dead Creepy Zombie Pedo Ian a full-fledged funeral, so that Melissa could get closure on her bizarre romantic relationship with the guy.

Remember this scene . . . where Spencer mistook her own grandmother for a reporter, and called her a Scum-Sucking Bottom Feeder over the phone, possibly giving the Old Lady a heart attack?  Good times!

By the way, I always found it a bit strange that Creepy Pedo Ian seemingly had no family, whatsoever.  Then again, this fact just confirms my suspicion that he is actually a Devil Spawn.

 . . . or an Evil Leprechaun . . .

All this Scum Sucking Bottom Feederness is actually followed up by a very sweet, poignant, and touchingly well-acted moment, in which Spencer’s mother FINALLY apologizes for never believing Spencer about Creepy Pedo Ian being a total sociopath.  (Now we’ve just got to wake Mommy up to the fact that her other daughter is a Psychotic Wench . . . baby steps.)

In addition to doing this, Mama Hastings also gets major points for STILL loving Dr. Wren as much as we do, and giving him his only shout-out in the entire episode.

Later, up in her room, Spencer starts looking for wedding rings online (not that Melissa would want to wear that ring NOW).  

To her chagrin she learns that Creepy Pedo actually spent a whopping $10 Gs on Melissa’s ring.  (The Rosewood school system must pay pretty well, I guess).  Even the knock off rings are too rich for Spencer’s blood!

“Hmmm . . . I wonder how much money Toby is going to spend on MY wedding ring, considering I BOUGHT HIM A CAR.”

Always one to add insult to injury, “A” picks this as the opportune moment to drop Spencer a little love text . . .

Note:  The word “ring” has TWO meanings . . . 😉

Later in the episode, Melissa does that thing she does every few episodes, in which she pretends to be nice to Spencer, by apologizing for not believing a word she says, turning her own parents against her, and basically torturing her, throughout her ENTIRE existence.  But just when Spencer is about to confess her sins to her sister, a phone RINGS, from inside her purse.

Surprise!  It’s Ian’s PHONE . . . the one “A’s” been using to send Melissa messages from a Dead Man . . .AND the one “A” slipped into Spencer’s purse at the end of last week’s episode, seemingly for this precise purpose.  Now convinced that her own sister totally hates her as much as all the viewers do, Melissa FREAKS OUT, and stomps off, leaving a shocked and saddened Spencer in her wake.

“What’s wrong?  Was it something I texted?”

Poor Spencer!  She can NEVER WIN . . . well . . . ALMOST never .  . .

In that horrifying moment, Emily!Spencer was put to rest, and Sleuthing Spencer came out of retirement . . . possibly for good . . .

Meanwhile, in Hanna-land . . .

From “Eat, Pray, Love” to “Drink, Snap, Slap,” to “Hug, Kiss, Screw?”

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When we first see Hanna, Caleb has stopped by her home again to stare at her boobs some more see how she’s been holding up, since the Dead Body Encounter.  At first, Hanna is not exactly responsive to Caleb’s obvious affectionate overtures.  “One date does not a relationship make,” she lectures.

OK . . . but how about multiple dates, some almost-shower sex, a few hot breakfast makeout sessions, my taking your virginity in a tent, and my living in your house for weeks, before, finally, telling you I love you.  Does that a relationship make?”

Hanna apologizes for her rudeness, and inquires as to whether Caleb has ever seen a dead body before.  He tells her that he has.  (Something tells ME, there’s a juicy story there . . .)  At some point during all this, Hanna’s mom barges in, all freaked out because Hanna has not been answering her cell phone. 

In a surprisingly sweet scene, that serves as an excellent parallel to the one I described earlier between Spencer and her mom, Hanna’s mom admits that ever since this whole thing happened with Dead Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian, she has been frantic that something bad would happen to Hanna too (or, at least, something worse than all the awful crap that has already happened).  Hanna lies reassures her Mom that the worst is over, and the two share an intensely emotional hug, as Caleb looks on awkwardly at the Tampon Commercial playing out right before his very eyes .  . .

In other Mama Marin is Trying to Be a Good Parent news, Mommy Dearest rightly instructed her daughter that a tight slutty little red dress is NOT appropriate funeral attire, no matter how much you despise the Dearly Departed  . . .  “It’s a funeral, not a Nicki Minaj concert,” Mama Marin quips, earning extra points for actually knowing who Nicki Minaj is . . .

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But you don’t really care about Hanna and her Mom, do you?  You want to hear more about HALEB!  Well, my Pretties, you are in luck, because things are about to get pretty steamy in Haleb town . . .

Not this steamy, mind you . . . but close.

It all starts when Hanna apologizes to Caleb at school for forcing him to be a witness to her and her mother’s “chick flick.”  Caleb admits that he envies Hanna’s close relationship with her mother.  After all, Caleb’s only relationship with his Foster Mom is when she shows up at Social Services meetings to collect her checks. 

Caleb notes that there’s a big difference between “Eat, Pray, Love” and “Drink, Snap, Slap.”

Hanna learns first hand that Caleb is telling the truth about his Evil Miss Hannigan from Annie-type Foster Mom, when she arrives at school, berating him for not making her look “good” at one of their meetings.  Thinking fast and rightly assuming that Evil Foster Mom knows precisely NOTHING about fashion, Hanna confronts Evil Foster Mom herself, claiming that if Momsy doesn’t promptly return to Caleb ALL the money she’s been basically stealing from him, Hanna’s mother, who works for the firm of Dolce, Gabbana and Leibowitz (ha ha ha) will sue the Walmart Clearance Rack pants off of her.

“I think I just pooped myself.”

Believe it or not, Caleb’s NotMom, though clearly clever enough to defraud the Foster Care System is also dumb enough to believe Hanna’s lame threat.  So, she promptly leaves Caleb a wad of cash before skipping town for good.  Recognizing that Hanna is clearly behind all this, Caleb ditches a night watching Goonies with Lucas . . .

Awww Lucas!  You really ARE Seth Cohen Reincarnated, aren’t you?

 . . . to spend some more time in Hanna’s kitchen eye f*&king her to pieces.  And for THIS, Hanna rewards HIM, by cleaning his teeth with her tongue.  Ahhhhh, Young Love!

Speaking of . . . well . . . slightly less Young Love . . .

Trouble in Ezria-land / Jason Makes His Move

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Aria and Fitzy are having a little Heart-to-Heart in his New Swanky College Professor Office, while Fitzy’s Poor Man’s Megan Fox and let’s face it, Megan Fox is already pretty Poor Man, herself ex-fiance lurks outside, sporting a major Puss Face.

Remember that awful movie, Jennifer’s Body, where Megan Fox . . . like ATE people?  That’s kind of what I imagine Jackie would like to do to Aria here . . .

Awkwardness ensues when Jackie starts flirtatiously calling Fitzy “Z,” and Fitzy responds by referring to Aria as “My Former Student Who I Occasionally Screw.

Being the patient person she can sometimes be, Aria lets Fitzy off pretty easy for this relationship faux pas, by making him promise to start referring to her as his “friend” in the future.

With “friends” like these, who needs sex toys enemies?

Back at home, Aria gets a late-night visit from Facelift Jason, who, apparently found Aria’s Sociopathic Kleptomaniac brother lurking around his yard, in the middle of the night.  Facelift Jason SAYS that he doesn’t want to rat out Mike for stealing his stuff, because HE TOO, used to be a Very Bad Boy.  And yet, the way he ogles Aria (not to mention, lingers for WAY TOO LONG by the doorway, long after Mike is safely back inside the house)  makes me think that the REAL REASON that Facelift Jason didn’t rat out Aria’s brother, is because he wants to get into those Montgomery pink panties, STAT!

I have this theory that, in addition to being able to change his face and body at will, Facelift Jason also has X-ray Vision.  (“The better to see what color bra you are wearing, My Dear Aria.”)

Later, in an intense discussion with Devil Boy Mike, Aria learns that HE is the one that is probably “A” has been stealing camping gear, and other assorted supplies from houses throughout the neighborhood . . . just for fun.

Geez DUDE!  You and Melissa should join the Evil Siblings Brigade!

Devil Boy is ALSO responsible for doing THIS to Aria, a few episodes back (while he was busy raiding Spencer’s house, of course) . . .

Nothing is sweeter than Brotherly LOVE!

At Ian’s funeral, Aria is pleasantly surprised when Fitzy arrives there to support her in her hour of need . . .

However, that happiness quickly sours, when Fitzy, upon being confronted by Aria’s parents, wimps out, and says he’s there to support “all his students.”  (LAME!) 

Oooh!  You are SO in the Doghouse for that one, Fitzy!

Speaking of the funeral, I found the image of the four PLL girls standing front and center in front of the coffin, with not entirely solemn looks on their faces to be highly reminiscent of the PLL poster that ABC Family put out in early Season 1, as well as the show’s opening sequence.  A very cool little parallel, Production Department!  Kudos for this!

During the services, Aria spots a rather contrite-looking Facelift Jason sitting off to the side, and mentions his presence to Emily.

“I am so friggin high, I have no idea how I got here . . .”

With an attitude highly reminiscent of the judgy snarkiness Spencer used to use to describe Abs Toby, back in Season 1, Emily angrily calls Facelift Jason A FREAK!  And it, honestly, seems really out of character for Emily, especially since she was the FIRST of the PLL girls to trust Toby, back when everyone else was calling HIM a freak . . .

Then again, those Abs ARE freakishly sexy!

I was momentarily confused by this.  But then I remembered that this week Emily is Spencer!Emily.  So, I decided to let it go . . .

“Oh, shut up and go back into your OWN body, SPENCER!”

After the services, Aria gives Fitzy ONE LAST CHANCE to make things right between them, by admitting to him that all she wants is ONE SINGLE ITTY BITTY HUG from him right now.  I actually think this was a fairly REASONABLE request on Aria’s part.  After all, EVERYONE HUGS at funerals.  It’s not exactly a gesture that screams Illicit Affair.  And besides, Fitzy had to notice how vulnerable Aria was in that moment.  But . .  . HE WIMPED OUT ANYWAY, rushing away from the scene as fast as his little pasty white legs could carry him . . .

“SAYONARA SUCKA!”

So, partly to get revenge on Fitzy, and partly, because she was genuinely concerned for his well-being, Aria goes to sit next to Facelift Jason on the bench.

Now, as much as I tease Facelift Jason (and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon), I must say that I think Drew Van Acker is actually a pretty darn talented actor.  (And it doesn’t hurt that he shares a major resemblance to Sasha Pieterse’s Ali)  This scene, in which Facelift Jason admitted to Aria, always having been jealous of Ali, and worrying that the wrong child in his family died, was oddly touching.  Lucy Hale was also stellar in this scene.  And the way she comforted Facelift Jason seemed really genuine to me.

During this exchange, we also learned that, up until Creepy Pedo Ian’s death, Facelift Jason always worried that HE killed Ali, since he was so stoned and drunk the night of her murder that he blacked out and doesn’t remember a thing.  What’s worse, “A” seemed to have left a note in his pocket on that fateful night . . .

Hey, isn’t that the name of a movie?

(Geez!  Imagine how disappointed Facelift Jason is going to be, when he finds out that Creepy Pedo Ian DIDN’T really kill Alison, and that he’s still a suspect.  Then again, by that point, he will probably be too busy sucking face with Aria to care.)

Speaking of the Dead Guy . . .

It’s SNUFF FILM TIME!

Remember earlier on in this recap, when I said that Spencer!Emily has one more Sleuthing Trick up her sleeve?  Well, here it is!  Upon getting a message and a map from A, connecting Ian’s coffin to Ali’s, Emily decides to take the rest of the PLL’s on a fun little cemetery field trip.  When they get to Ali’s grave, that old porn video that supposedly showed Ian having sex with killing Alison plays from a projector somewhere in the midst . . . except, NOW the video is unedited.  And NOW it shows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Creepy Pedo DID NOT kill Ali! 

The question, of course, is WHO DID?  And why did “A” seemingly trick the girls into thinking Ian was the killer?  As the episode draws to a close, we see a dark (kind of short?) figure emerge from the darkness, carrying a video projector.   The ominscient “A” has struck again!

So, my Pretties!  I turn this episode over to YOU.  What did you think?  Any guesses now as to who “A” is?  How about Ali’s killer?  Do you hate Melissa and Mike as much as I do?  Are you Team Ezria or Team Jaria?  And, most importantly, when do you think Dr. Wren and Abs Toby are coming back?

See ya next week!

(P.S.  Special  thanks to THIS AMAZING WEBSITE for all the spectacular screencaps you see here!)

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Keeping it “In the Family” – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Tell”

Well HELLO, Derek Hale’s Naked Sweaty Stomach!  I didn’t think I’d see you again so soon . . . or so much of you.  What do you say, we go back to my place, so we can “get to know one another a little better?”

Welcome back, Werebangers!  Can you believe we are already HALFWAY through this season of Teen Wolf?  It seems like only yesterday, we were ogling Scott McCall’s naked body for the first time . . .

Memories!

This week’s episode was called “The Tell,” a likely reference to the subconscious ways in which card players reveal to their opponents what kind of cards they are carrying, during the course of a game.  Fittingly, some of the episode’s most “telling moments” featured one character sharing information with another, and the other reacting to it, in a way that suggested a lot about his or her possible motivations.  Did I mention that the episode was CHOCK FULL of shirtless, sexual tension, and sublime homoeroticism?

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Stiles clearly suffers from Oral Fixation.  Does Danny suffer from Stiles’ Fixation?

So, what do you say, kiddies?  Are you ready for some Show and “Tell”?

[Note:  Special thanks go out to my new pal Andre for all the FABULOUS screenshots you see here.  You’ll undoubtedly notice that they are of significantly higher quality than the ones I tend to take myself.]

Next time, Stick with Netflix!

“If I die in this video store, at least I won’t have to watch The Notebook again!”

Oh Jackson!  Slowly, but surely, you are growing on me.  The fact that you finally took your shirt off this week, helped with that A LOT!  You actually had me feeling kind of sorry for you, because you are SO COMPLETELY WHIPPED BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND.  (I mean, really, grow some balls, man!)  We open on a shot of Poor Schmo Video Worker (don’t get too attached to him) standing on a ladder, fixing a light, in a video store that looks like its been time warped out of 1995, and plopped down in present-day Beacon Hills.  (Honestly, do video stores that AREN’T Blockbuster even EXIST anymore?  Because, even the Blockbuster by me closed!)

A car pulls up.  It’s Lydia and Jackson.  Lydia is in the driver’s seat, which is appropriate, considering that this is OBVIOUSLY the position she takes in their relationship.

“Umm . . . Lydia?  Not that I’m complaining or anything, but that’s NOT the stick shift.”

Jackson is trying to convince Lydia to rent Hoosiers, a heart-warming love story about boys and their .  . . um . . . basketballs . . .

But Lydia doesn’t WANT to watch a movie about balls.  She’d much prefer to watch The Notebook again, a movie which, in the words of Puck from Glee, has the power to “make you grow a vagina, if you watch it.”

Having just got rid of the vagina he grew the LAST time they watched this film, Jackson is, understandably, a bit miffed by his girlfriend’s suggestion.

Cut to about two seconds later, when Jackson is wandering around a seemingly empty video store, asking out loud where he can find The Notebook.

Long time, no vagina, Jackson!

But, uh oh . . . something is wrong on Movieland.  Our light-fixing Poor Schmo Video Worker is now nowhere to be seen.  And he hasn’t successfully done his job, either, because the lights in the place are still flickering.  Jackson walks around a little while longer, until he FINALLY finds Poor Schmo Video Worker . . . WITH HIS THROAT RIPPED OUT!

Watching The Notebook is starting to look pretty good NOW, isn’t it Jackson?

In a panic, Jackson lurches back, knocking down the ladder where Poor Schmo Video Worker met his maker.  He hears a noise.  Someone . . . or something is in the video store with him.  He hides in one of the aisles.   But the ALPHA is way smarter . . . and STRONGER than Jackson.  It knocks all the shelving down around Jackson in a single push.  It has Jackson in its clutches now.  It’s claw-like hands reach down toward Jackson’s neck, preparing to rip out its throat.  But then it sees the scratch marks left there last week by Derek .  . .

. . .  and decides to let Jackson live.  (WHY?  Did Derek “put a little wolf” in Jackson with his little love tap?  Or does the Alpha have some other reason for wanting to keep Jackson alive?)

Jackson got fingered! 

Meanwhile, outside, Vain Lydia is taking pictures of herself on her camera phone, when she sees the Alpha jump through the glass window of the video store, its red eyes blazing, its strong black body moving like nothing she’s ever seen before. 

Ooh . . . you might want to get some Visine for those eyes, honey!

She screams . . .

“OK . . . I’m sorry.  I’ll watch Hoosiers, I swear.   Just don’t eat me!”

Meanwhile, on a nearby road, Stiles is keeping his dad company, while the latter patrols Beacon Hills in his cop car. 

“Hey dad what do you say we pick up . . . er . . . I mean arrest some hookers.”

Stiles and his dad have a refreshingly sweet relationship.  In past episodes, we’ve only seen Big Stiles (that’s my new name for Stiles’ Dad) scold his son, and berate him for seemingly getting his nose into everybody else’s business.  But here, the two are just eating curly fries, and enjoying one another’s company . . .

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See what I mean about the whole “oral fixation” thing?

Big Stiles then gets a call on his CB about a possible homicide.  And Little Stiles jumps up and down on his seat, like a kid on Christmas morning.

“I LOVE DEAD PEOPLE!  SHOW . . . ME . . . THE BODY!”

You would think, by now, the thrill of ogling corpses would have worn off for Stiles, who has already seen a couple pretty gory ones, since the show premiered.  But apparently not.  (Perhaps, he’s hoping one will come back to life, looking like THIS . . .)

Upon arriving at the video store, Stiles is shocked and perhaps a bit jealous to learn that Jackson and Lydia are the only living witnesses to this possible murder.  Big Stiles gets out of the car, and tries to calm down an EXTREMELY agitated Jackson, who instinctively doesn’t want to go to the hospital, despite having fallen during the Alpha Ambush . . .

“She was going to make me watch The Notebook again!  Can you believe it?  The Notebook!”

Is it possible that Jackson, on some level, recognizes that the scratch on his neck is NOT from a human, and has changed him in a way that will raise eyebrows at the hospital?  Hmmm .  . .

Meanwhile, on the roof of the video store, Derek and Scott are . . . just chillin’.

“Hey, check it out.  From here, you can see down Lydia’s shirt!”

Scott wonders out loud why the Alpha seems so intent on killing random people.  Being new to this whole Werewolf Thing, he can’t help but wonder whether that’s what HE will eventually do.  Derek reassures Scott that they are PREDATORS, but don’t necessarily have to be killers. 

Wait?  Isn’t that the same thing?  The only kind of predators I KNOW that aren’t killers are the SEXUAL kind!

*sigh*  In that case, forget I said anything.   Just keep “predating,” Derek Hale! (Yeah, that’s probably not a word . . . but it should be!)

Lovers Quarrel, Part 26

“Aww, don’t pout, Baby!  I’ll even let you be on top, next time!”

Back at Derek’s house, or as I like to call it, La Casa de Old and Decrepit, Derek and Scott are fighting again, about Derek’s “Responsibility to Were Kind” to help find and destroy the Alpha.  “I HAVE A LIFE!”  Scott whines.

“No . . . you don’t,” replies Derek.  (See?   That was funny!  I knew the writers would go and give him a sense of humor, eventually!)

“I HAVE HOMEWORK!”  Scott tries again.

“Do you want to do homework . . . or not die?” Derek fires back.

Yeah!  That was funny, right?  I’m GOOD!”

Yes, Derek.  SNARK!  That’s what I’m talking about!

Apparently, there’s this little rule in the Werewolf Book of Pack Obedience, that states that if an Alpha Pack member doesn’t kill with his leader, before the full moon, he gets EATEN.

“Sexy Wolf Man, say what?”

By this point, Derek has probably figured out that Scott is pretty much a self-centered prick (a hot self-centered prick, mind you, but a self-centered prick, nonetheless).  And so, he wisely reminds Scott that HE has interest in finding the Alpha (through his unique “pack” connection too), as doing so could very well SAVE his life.  And, of course, the clock is ticking, because the next Full Moon is on the horizon.  This means Scott has only limited time to attend and graduate Derek’s Werewolf School of Brooding, Soulful Staring, and Looking Intimidating.

Hot for Teacher!

Speaking of teaching, Scott learned his first REAL werewolf lesson today.  It was a lesson about PAIN, and how it can lead to pleasure keeps a werewolf human.  Derek taught Scott this by leaning over him seductively, and twisting his arm, while the two were-men panted and groaned in concert.  I could tell you it wasn’t SUPER hot to watch . . . but I’d be lying . . .

“Happy Birthday, Allison!  Sorry for Being a Douche to Your New Boyfriend!  Here . . . have an Ugly Necklace.”

“I was going to get you birth control pills, My Little Harlot.  But I figured, this was the next best thing.”

Back at the Argent house, Aunt Kate is all faux apologetic about accusing Scott of going through her bag . . . WHICH HE DID!  She would very much like for Allison to call her some bad names, as part of her “punishment” for inappropriate behavior.  Allison wants to do no such thing.  She says all is forgiven.   I, myself, however, am not so forgiving, and have decided to call Aunty Kate a name of my own . . .

Apparently, today is Allison’s birthday.  And Kate has a gift for her.  It’s the UGLIEST NECKLACE I’VE EVER SEEN!  Allison puts it on immediately, but I suspect she is just doing it to be polite.  Apparently, the necklace has some “family crest” thing on it, that’s significant, in some way, to the Argent family history.  Rather than tell Allison the truth about her family, she suggests that Allison “look it up.”  (As, I suspect, Evil Werehunter Dad is not quite ready to let Allison in on the family’s Secret Life, just yet, this move was rather crafty on Kate’s part.)

  We can tell Kate is pleased with herself, by the sh*t eating grin on her face, after Allison leaves for school. 

Little does Aunt know that the only thing Allison has any interest in “studying” lately is Scott’s weiner.

Scott and Allison Ditch School, Frolic in the Park, Blah, Blah, Blah . . .

“Have you ever noticed that I spend at least half of every episode of this show with my lips attached to your face?”

Scott finds Allison at school hiding balloons and birthday notices in her locker.  She doesn’t want anyone to know it’s her birthday, because she’s SO FRIGGIN OLD!  As it turns out, Allison turns 17 today, which makes her  a year older than Scott, which pretty much makes her an Alpha cougar . . .

Scott wins MAJOR points (not to mention gets a few steps closer to falling into Allison’s panties), by correctly guessing why Allison is in Scott’s grade, even though, technically, she should be a grade above him.  “You got held back, because you missed a lot of school, moving around so much,” he says matter-of-factly.  Allison is so thrilled that Scott doesn’t think she was left back a grade for being a moron, that she eagerly agrees to cut school with him.

“In that case, you’re a genius!  Now, will you let me touch your boobies?”

Call me unromantic, but I’m not going to spend much more time on Scott McCall’s Day Off, basically, because I thought it was lame, and didn’t add much to the story.   Yes, Scott and Allison are both very attractive people, who smile a lot, and look good making out with one another.  But, beyond that, they haven’t shown me anything special about their relationship to make me particularly invested in them as a couple.   And COME ON!  If your going to make me spend 10 minutes of an episode watching a boy and girl frolic in the woods, AT LEAST LET ME SEE THEM SCREW!

Am I right?

The one mildly interesting aspect of the “Salison” date, was Scott’s continued feeling as though Allison was “taking away his masculinity.”  (Oh buck up, Buddy!  It’s not like she made you watch The Notebook.)  Now, you would think that a guy like Scott, with werewolf strength, and an Adonis body . . .

 .  . . would be comfortable enough in his masculinity, to allow a woman, who took a sharp turn, while she was driving him in her car (at least, he didn’t take the damn bike this time – PROGRESS!), to instinctively put her hand out in front of him to keep him from getting whiplash.  But, apparently, not.

The other thing that bugged me about Scott an Allison’s date, was how Scott selfishly ditched EVERYTHING and EVERYONE to attend.  Cutting class is one thing.  But skipping work, missing a parent-teacher conference, skipping out on Sexy Derek, and ignoring his bestie’s increasingly frantic phone calls, is just DOUCHEY with a capital “D!”