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The Rise of Evil Louis-bot – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “I Am Number Nine”

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Greetings, Upper East Siders!  First off, though I most certainly missed posting this recap by November 7th, I wanted to take this super special opportunity to wish you a Very Happy Limoversary.  Not sure what a Limoversary is, GG fans?  Well, I’ll give you a hint . . .

That’s right, GG’ers, four-years ago today, Chuck and Blair were getting busy in the backseat of one very lucky limo.  And despite all the time that has passed, I’m still 100% convinced that this scene remains one of the best television love-making scenes of ALL TIME.  Don’t believe me?  Well, then I suggest you give it another look .  . . for old time’s sake . . . of course. 😉

To this day, every time I hear the song “With Me,” by Sum 41, it still makes me a little tingly .  . . which is probably why it remains on high rotation on my iPod, over four years after it was released . . .

While the GG writers regretably did not pay direct homage to this Chair-gasmic moment, in “I Am Number Nine,” it is sort of fitting that this episode aired on Limoversary.  In fact, it could be easily argued that Episode 6 has allowed Chuck and Blair to come full circle in their relationship from where they were on that fateful, November 7, 2007.

Just as that split second, when Chuck turned toward Blair in the limo, and asked her, “Are you sure?” catapulted the pair from sexually-tense frenemies into the Glorious Abyss of Genuine Coupledom .  . . so too did Chuck’s Epic Apology Speech this week provide a clean slate for the pair . . . enabling them to start fresh.  And this moment, Chair fans — much like the Limo Scene that preceded it — is one we will inevitably look back on as the event that ultimately enabled Chuck and Blair to form an even more perfect union than the one they once had . . .

Speaking of weddings, Blair, apparently still thinks she’s having one with Louis-bot . . .

And that means she’s gotta get herself a bridesmaid . . .

So ya wanna be a bridesmaid?

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(OK . . . what exactly is Blair wearing on her head, here?  Because it vaguely resembles a man’s jockstrap?)

I’m not going to say too much about Blair’s Fierce Minion Bridesmaid Competition, since about 98% of the scenes relating to this storyline appeared in the CW promos for the episode.  (See, and this is why I always prefer Canadian Promos!  Riddle me this, American Promo Writers: Why on Earth, would you promote a television program, by only showing scenes from one, rather insignificant and not particularly entertaining portion, of an upcoming episode?)

While I’m in a gripey mood, let me continue on this whiny track, for just a few more moments.  Now, I understand that there can be only one Maid of Honor at Blair’s wedding.  And that honor should absolutely go to Serena.

Friends that lay together . . . stay together. 

But, who the heck told her she had to limit herself to ONE bridesmaid?  Is that a Royal Wedding Thing?  Because, from where I come from, women who through large weddings can have up to eight bridesmaids.  And this means ALL of Blair’s minions could have easily been included in the wedding.  (And besides, more bridesmaids, means a better Bachelorette Party and Bridal Shower, both of which we all know Blair wants very much.)

“It would take all three of us to afford you a really good stripper for your Bachelorette Party.  But, since we didn’t win the competition, you will be stuck with THIS GUY . . . “

Also . . . Crazy CHARLIE/Ivy/Call Me Serena?  SHE’S Blair’s choice for Bridesmaid?   Really?  It would have made more sense, if Blair selected DAN!  At least he actually talks to her, on occasion . .  (Plus, I hear he looks mighty pretty in a dress.)

“Why do you keep picking on me, Recapper?   What did I ever do to you?” 

(Sorry, Dan.  You just have a habit of posing for a lot of really ridiculous screencaps.  I can’t help but use them against you.)

That said, it was fun to reunite with the minions again (minus Nelli Yuki, of course).  Puss Face Penelope, in particular, has always been a minion, near and dear to my heart.

As for the Bridesmaid Competition itself, my favorite part, I think was when Blair yelled “cover that baby bump,” to her prospective bridesmaids, as they fumbled with a mannequin version of Blair, and one of the minions (I think it was Jessica) said, “What Baby Bump?”

It’s true.  When are they going to start putting the basketball up Blair’s designer dress, so that she actually looks to be with child . . . Lately, all it seems like all they are doing differently with her, is making her dress a tad more grandma-like, than usual.  (See outfit above.)  And wearing grandma clothes does  not a baby mama make . . .

For the record, I’m pretty sure, my grandmother actually owned this shirt. 

Anywhoo  . . . after the girls braved the “physical portion” of the competition, the second part, involved attending the episode’s “Party of the Week,” and being the first to kiss the Most Eligible Bachelor in attendance.  And I bet you will never guess who THAT was?

Nope . . . guess again!

It’s NATE ARCHIBALD! 

To make a long story short, Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena ends kissing Nateypoo first.  And, as a result, she  is the one that ultimately wins with the so-called coveted position of Blair’s bridesmaid.  (This is only after Penelope accidentally FALLS into a member of the waitstaff, an infraction that apparently merits instant bridesmaid disqualification.)

Actually . . . these two look kind of cute together.  Don’t you think? 

Now, how Faux Charlie got herself into this unique predicament, is another story entirely . . .

Catch a Cougar by the Toe

While I enjoy Elizabeth Hurley has an actress, and think her character Diana has become a fun little, pot-stirring, addition to the cast, I can’t say I’m all that enthused about her “relationship” with Nate.

“Would you like me to sing you a lullabye, before I kiss your winkie, goodnight?” 

I mean, really, how many times can a person screw on a wooden desk top, before it starts getting boring .  . . (not to mention, all those painful ass splinters).

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Yes, Chuck . . . we KNOW!

 For me, more interesting than anything Diana had to do involving Nate and Faux-Charlie this week, was her surprising decision to help Serena out with HER problems (more on those later), and, of course, her awkward little meeting with Chuck.  (“You look very familiar . . . MOM!”)  I’m just glad he didn’t hit on her, because that would have REALLY made me gag.

“Excuse me, you look very familiar.  Have you ever breast fed me?”

But back to Diana and Nate . . . It’s the eve of the launch party for Diana’s online Gossip Rag, The Spectator.  Nate is suddenly SUPER interested in him and Diana taking their “relationship” public, as opposed to just f*&king on all PUBLIC surfaces.  In fact, he takes things one step further, by insisting Diana take HIM as her date to the launch party.  But Diana isn’t having it, and makes some lame excuse about not mixing business with pleasure.

“But mixing business with pleasure is the only reason I took this job.  You didn’t think I actually wanted to WORK, did you?” 

Then Diana makes the mistake of having Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena and Nate deliver her party invitations for her.  Faux Charlie inevitably bails on her invitation delivery, opting instead to participate in Blair’s Bridesmaid Competition. (She hopes to cover the Blouis Nover Going to Happen Royal Wedding, first hand, for the Spectator.)  This results in Nate, picking up her slack, and ultimately delivering an invitation to Diana’s ACTUAL date to the party, and sort-of boyfriend, the much more age appropriate, but decidedly less attractive, “Keith.”

“I’d tell you off, right now, but I have about 30 marshmallows in my mouth . . .” 

Nate, of course, is furious (or, at least, as furious as his baby brain cells allow him to be).  And Faux Charlie, who knows nothing about Nate screwing Diana (though, honestly, I don’t see how anyone in the Upper East Side could NOT know, given what massive sluts these two are), and thinks only that Nate is hung up on some random girl, decides to use Nate’s heartbroken-ness to win Blair’s Bridesmaid Competition, by gallantly offering to go to the Spectator Launch Party as Nate’s date, to help make his lady love jealous.

The plan works.  Faux Charlie successfully shoves her tongue down Nate Archibald’s throat (Hmmm . . . I wonder if she got a contact high from that?) right in the middle of Diana’s Big Launch Party Speech (RUDE!)  Seeing Nate kiss another woman clearly has an effect on Diana, who stops mid speech to gawk at the not-so-couple.

“Call me, Diana.” 

But Diana gets her revenge later by (1) calling out Faux Charlie for only kissing Nate as part of a “game;” (2) ultimately, deciding to go public with her relationship with the guy who is LITERALLY young enough to be her son, on HER website, of all places;

and (3) threatening Faux Charlie to keep her grimy imposter paws off her Nateypoo, or else she will reveal the Faker’s true identity . . .

Game, Set, Match.  Diana: 1 / Faux-Charlie: 0

The Only Thing Dan Will Ever Have in Common with Mark Zuckerberg . . .

“It’s all in the hair . . .” 

Who knew there was such a commercial market for Dair Fanfiction?  Apparently, Dan’s book, “The Inside” is number nine on the Best Seller’s list.  But when he meets with Serena’s boss about his writing the screenplay for the film (a condition of his giving her the movie rights), she peppers him with TERRIBLE story demands, like that the movie be made into a musical, and contain a new adorable orphan character, a la Oliver Twist . . . since Dan hasn’t really been the “outsider” he claims to be,  since around the second episode of Season 1 . . .

“Come on, Dan!  Haven’t you always been looking for an excuse to showcase your kickass dance moves?”

Donut Dan — who undoubtedly had dreams of Ryan Gosling playing his character — balks at the idea, and storms out in a huff.  (Wow, it didn’t take long for HIM to become a DIVA.)  Enter Serena, who convinces Dan to give up the idea of writing the screenplay, because he’s “too close to the subject matter.”  Besides, he should be planning his second novel . . . which, undoubtedly, will be another Dair fanfiction .  . .  Serena then promises to look out for Dan’s best interest, with respect to the screenplay for Inside, which, if we all know Serena, inevitably means, she’s about to let him down . . .

“Not to worry, GG fans, there are OTHER ways I can satisfy Dan.  I’ve been told I have a mouth like a hoover.

Enter Serena’s b*tchy boss.  As it turns out, she never planned on letting Dan write the screenplay after all.  And had brought up all those lousy story ideas on purpose, just to scare him off of the project.  She’s had Aaron Sorkin lined up to write the thing, all along!  Go figure!

This, of course, makes Serena feel like total crap, for the unwitting part she played in selling her ex-boyfriend down the river.  But she feels like even WORSE crap, when she learns that it is her boss’ intention to make Dan’s thinly veiled character the VILLAIN of the piece, a la Mark Zuckerberg’s character in the social network.

OH THE HORROR!

Honestly, I don’t see what the big fuss is about over this?  Dan, himself, said that his character was selfish, self-absorbed, and uber judgmental.  So, what’s the big deal, if the film about the movie portrays him as such.  After all, wasn’t it Dan, himself, who argued for his ability to take “creative license” in making all his friends and family look like crap in HIS book.  By “Zuckerberg-ing” Dan, wouldn’t Aaron Sorkin and co., just be returning the favor?

Just saying . . .

Nevertheless, Serena is desperate to keep her promise to Dan.  And she finds help in doing that, from the most unlikely of sources . . . DIANA.  Apparently, Diana has some dirt on Serena’s boss, that’s simply too juicy to be avoided.  With the snap of Diana’s fingers, she gets Serena’s boss to kill the film project.  Unfortunately, this also has the effect of getting Serena fired, which, of course, is exactly what Diana intended.

“I talk like a phone sex operator, and scheme like a soap opera villainess.  You can learn a lot from me, S.” 

If this was an HBO show, these two would definitely be doing one another . . .

You see, Diana somehow believes that her BIGGEST competition in the media market, is some pimply-teen named Gossip Girl, who runs a free website, which details the lives of the same five people every day.  And Diana hopes to run this girl out of business, by hiring Serena to write her own autobiographical blog for the Spectator.  (That’s funny.  I didn’t know Serena could write . . .)

And if this first blog entry is any indication, SHE CAN’T! 

Serena is hesitant at first.  However, she loves the idea of letting the public know the REAL her, and ultimately accepts.

“XOXO, THIS, Gossip Girl!”

The only problem is that Humpty Humphrey is a selfish bastard, and, upon learning his precious film project has been killed, blames SERENA for doing this on purpose so that SHE won’t look bad on film.  Sorry, Serena!  No good deed goes unpunished.

But hey, at least Dan’s lame book isn’t on the Best Seller List, anymore!  Better luck season, buddy!

“Hey, now we’re both has-beens!” 

And now, finally, the storyline you’ve ALL been waiting for . . . Well, at least it’s the storyline I was most eager to recap . . .

The Incredible Shrink-ed Chuck

Look at me . . . all evolved, and surrounded by books that aren’t porno magazines . . .”

Haha.  I love how Louis-bot went from Soggy Sponge to Cheesy Cartoon Super Villain, in the matter of one week.  I guess the GG writers thought we needed to see Louis-bot as evil, so that we would know he wasn’t the right man for Blair.  But, come on!  Give us fans a little credit!

“With a name like Blouis . . . it has to suck!” 

We’ve always known that Louis-bot isn’t the right man for Blair.  For starters, he ISN’T CHUCK! He’s also a FRIGGIN ROBOT!  So, there’s really no need to underestimate our intelligence, by temporarily turning Louis-bot into a mustache twirling cretin, for the sake of this plot.

*Insert evil, heavily accented, laugh here* 

Nevertheless,the story begins with Chuck describing to his new therapist his surprisingly phallic dream about chasing some unattainable skyscraper.  (Somehow, when I used to picture Chuck’s dreams, I always figured they would regularly feature various instances of sex with Blair . . . well hoped they would, is more accurate.

Dream a little dream of us . . . 

 Though Chuck immediately assumes that the skyscraper represents the unattainable love of his supposedly departed parents, Lady Shrink thinks his subconscious is hiding some deeper loss.  *cough Blair cough*

That’s right, boys and girls. Blair is apparently the p*nis-looking architectural structure of Chuck’s fantasies . . .

Chuck knows it . . . his shrink knows it . . . and every single person who has ever watched GG knows it.  It’s just that no one is ready to talk about it quite yet . . .

Lady Shrink leaves the session more than a bit frustrated with her client’s apparent emotional blockage.  Then, out pops Louis-bot and his overtly effeminate umbrella.  Most villains tend to have an evil pet, who they lovingly stroke, while making plans for world domination.  But the umbrella seems a more fitting evil accessory for this cyborg.  Besides, robots usually don’t know how to take care of animals.

OK . . . so, watching the scene again . . . it appears that, Lady Shrink is actually the one holding the girly umbrella, not Louis-bot.  That won’t stop me from pretending it’s his, though.  Because that’s just how I roll . . .

Louis-bot has an EVIL JOB for Lady Shrink to do.  And he pays her to do it, with a big fat envelope of cash, which he hands to her in broad daylight, without any apprehension at all that someone, like say GOSSIP GIRL, could have easily witnessed the exchange.  SUPER VILLAIN FAIL!

I love how, in honor of his new evil persona, Louis-bot has been programmed to speak with a bizarre accent that is twice as incomprehensible as the one he usually uses to utter his dialogue.  I know we are supposed to be terribly frightened by Louis-bot’s maniacal plans to catapult Chuck into Crazy-dom.  And yet,  when the cyborg bleats out things like: “Tuhhhhhn Chack eeentooo tha monzterrr hez beeeeen fur tweenteee yeurz.  Fiynd heez fooze and liiiiiight eet.”   (Translated as: Turn Chuck into the monster he’s been for twenty years.  Find his fuse and light it.) I can’t help but giggle uncontrollably . . .

( . . . which is odd, because I usually find any form of a European accent on a man incredibly attractive . . . French, in particular.)

The next day, Lady Shrink pops by Chuck’s house for an impromptu un-therapy session.  And she immediately starts doing Louis-bot’s bidding, by attempting to invoke anger in Chuck, over his current situation.  “You have to face the fact that you didn’t let Blair go, you lost her to someone else.”  Lady Shrink prods . . . words alone that could have sent the Chuck of Old barrelling into a drunken rage, a season ago . . .

But, rather than lashing out in anger, New Chuck reacts with remorse to Lady Shrink’s accusations.  He even goes as far as to admit to Lady Shrink that, all this time, he’s been holding on to the Harry Winston ring with which he prepared to propose to Blair a couple of seasons ago . . . It’s a romantic gesture, for sure.  But also a symbolically problematic one, since the ring represents the Chuck and Blair of the past.  And, if these two individuals are ever going to find their way back to one another, which, of course, they will, they have to do it, as the individuals they are destined to become, not the ones they used to be.

LADY SHRINK: “I’m so turned on by you, right now.”

CHUCK: “I know.  . .” 

Lady Shrink is visibly affected by Chuck’s highly sentimental gesture, the ease with which he opened up to this sold out shrink, and Chuck’s sincerity toward completing his healing process.  As she leaves the Empire Hotel, Lady Shrink texts Louis-bot to tell him the plan is a no-go.

Louis-bot is FURIOUS that his plans for Blair-domination have, once again, been foiled.  He later accosts Lady Shrink at the dog park, when she tries to return the money-filled envelope to him.  Of course, Chuck is out there walking Monkey at the same time.  (Monkey  = TOTAL CHAIR FAN), and overhears MOST of the conversation.  But New Chuck no longer gets mad, when things don’t go his way, he gets even.

“We’ll show them.  Won’t we, Monkey?” 

At the Spectator Party, where, of course, Lady Shrink is also in attendance, Chuck begins in Old Chuck fashion, by accusing Lady Shrink of using hypnosis to rape him, a notion that really shouldn’t be funny at all, but is funny . . . at least in this context.

Dammit!  He wasn’t supposed to remember that .  . .” 

When Lady Shrink denies it, Chuck tells the truth that Louis-bot has been paying Lady Shrink to reveal confidential information about her and Chuck’s therapy sessions together.

“Clearly, I have been traumatized.  Would anyone here like to give me a hug . . . BLAIR!” 

Upon hearing this announcement, Lady Shrink is embarrassed and disgraced; Blair is furious; and Louis-bot looks like he needs an oil change.  Of course, Diana is thrilled, because this would be a pretty awesome “cover” story for her online tabloid.

BUSTED! 

When Blair confronts Louis-bot about this accusation, he doesn’t deny it,  deciding instead to admit to Blair that he has found the paternity test, which suggested that Blair doubted the her baby was his, and may have been looking for a way out of marrying him.  (No word on the OTHER obvious reason one would get a paternity test . . . that she f*&ked some other guy, at the same time she was f*&king you.)

Ummm . . .  so I guess the paternity test confirms the baby is half-robot, after all.  BUMMER!

Blair makes up some B.S. about wanting them both to have the peace of mind of knowing that they belong together.  Louis responds that he needs Blair to see that Chuck is “wrong for her.”  (Yeah, Louis-bot. Go watch the first two seasons of Gossip Girl, and try and make that statement again, with a straightface, would you?)

Then Blair accuses Louis-bot of TURNING INTO Chuck, and storms off.  (HE WISHES!)

Lady Shrink redeems herself a bit, at least, in my eyes, by taking the time to tell Chuck how threatened Louis-bot is by Blair’s love for him.  She also admits to him that, even though she tried to provoke him, Chuck chose, instead to actually make her wack-therapy session productive, by letting go of his past.  “Continue down that road, and you may find some kind of peace,” instructs Lady Shrink, as she hands Chuck back his ring.

“Will you marry me, Chuck Bass!”

Aha!  So, Lady Shrink is Team Chair, after all!  It kind of makes me wish Louis-bot wasn’t able to so easily corrupt her, as she probably could have been a REALLY AWESOME therapist for Chuck, under other circumstances.

That night, a man comes to Blair’s house to apologize, and she assumes it’s Louis-bot.  BUT IT’S SOMEONE WAY BETTER!  Watch and learn, GG’ers!

Poignant  . . .touching . . . and absolutely perfect, this scene has secured my fate in a Happily Ever After for Chuck and Blair, even if such an ending might still be very far away.  It was super nice of GG writers to read our blogs, tumblrs and message board comments, about all the unresolved baggage between Chuck and Blair, and address it in one, sweeping, well-acted, by Ed Westwick,  and all encompassing monologue by the inimitable Chuck Bass.

There was an apology for that terrible moment in Chair history, when Chuck struck out at a glass window WAY TOO CLOSE to Blair’s head, upon learning that she was someone else’s fiance . . .

. . . an apology for the missed connection at the Empire State Building, to which Blair arrived, following Dorota’s giving birth, to accept Chuck’s proposal of marriage, only to find him long gone . . .

. . . an apology for Chuck’s trading Blair for a hotel .  . .

. . . an apology for the games Chuck and Blair played with one another throughout much of Season 2,  during which neither felt comfortable saying those very important three words, and eight letters to one another, out of fear of getting their hearts broken . . .

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And, of course, perhaps, most importantly, there was this . . .

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Blair likely didn’t know how much she needed to hear these apologies from Chuck, until she heard them.  And her reaction to these words is a perfect mix of admiration, adoration, acceptance, and sadness.  I simply adore how Chuck told Blair he knew that she would be an amazing mother, because she never gave up on people, even when they deserved it.  I also loved Blair’s subtle admission that she would continue never to give up on Chuck.  And though, it was hard for me to hear as a Chair fan, I was proud of Chuck  for his maturity, in deciding that he would try to live for himself from now on.

And yet, like Blair, I wanted something more.  I wanted Chuck to tell Blair that he still loved her, and would always love her, even if they spent the rest of their lives apart.  Perhaps, it wouldn’t have been the most MATURE thing to say.  And it certainly would have gone against the notion of “closure” Chuck was obviously aiming for, in making this speech.  Yet, I think it would have had a bigger impact on Blair than Chuck thinks it would . . . and would have gone a long way toward getting her out of this sham of a marriage with Louis-bot.

Speaking of Louis-bot, he’s skipped town, so that Blair and him can spend some time apart.  Can I get a HELL-YEAH!

The episode then ends on a horribly depressing note, with Chuck walking to Harry Winston in the rain (no uber-effeminate umbrella for this guy, no sir!) . . .

 . . . and placing that SUPER EXPENSIVE ring on its door step, where surely no one will steal it .  . . after all, this is the Upper East Side, after all.   (Coincidentally, I’m going to Harry Winston, tonight.  Anyone want to join me?)

While “I Am Number Nine,” didn’t exactly end on a high note, next week’s promotion does give us some hope that next week’s episode will be a bit,  lighter, a bit naughtier, a bit maskier, and . . . dare I say . . . a bit CHAIR-IER?

Check out the CW promo here:

Not surprisingly, the Canadian promo is a bit more telling, not to mention, enticing . . .

Am I right?  Or am I right?

Until next time, Upper East Siders.  XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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