If you were a child of the 00s (which I wasn’t . . . I just have really juvenile taste in television) you undoubtedly remember the television show iCarly. And if you remember iCarly, you undoubtedly remember the segment of the show called Random Dancing. In case you don’t remember it, or have no clue what the heck I’m talking about, it went a little something like this . . .
So, why am I bringing up iCarly in my Teen Wolf recap introduction? Well, because Random Dancing is pretty much the best metaphor I can think of for this particular episode. It was colorful. It was musical. It was kind of funny (though not necessarily intentionally so). It featured characters dancing. And each individual scene seemed to have very little if anything at all to do with that which came directly before or after it.
This is not to say that I disliked “Condition Terminal.” (After all, Random Dancing has always been one of my favorite parts of . . . that and Freddie, because Freddie is awesome). I just didn’t entirely “get it.”
Anywhoo, this week on Teen Wolf, Parrish got a second job moonlighting as a Naked Garbage Man. Kira began to exhibit signs of kitsune PMS. Some guy got a bunch of boners on his arms from making out with Mason (How embarrassing!). Scott continued to fail at life. And Stiles continued to fail at the art of motor vehicle maintenance (and looking behind you when some guy is about to maul you with the weird mouth thing imprinted on his hand).
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always all the awards go to Andre for what will undoubtedly be the best part of this recap . . . the pictures.]
On Card Tricks and Dating Dealbreakers
I don’t know about you, but when I have a crush on someone, the first thing I do is have playing cards made up to look like that person, so I can do this card trick where I pretend to repeatedly burn and unburn their faces off.
Wait, that didn’t come out right. What I meant to say is . . .Who am I kidding? That is exactly what I meant to say.
Anywhoo . . . while Parrish is “playing” he thinks back to a time in the not-so-distant past when Lydia tried to hypnotize him with her beauty, so he didn’t realize she was burning off his hand with her lighter.
(Wow, teenage foreplay has really changed, since I’ve been in high school.)
Lydia’s plan ends up backfiring, however. Because Lydia’s beauty, coupled with the fact that Parrish is probably a Phoenix, makes Parrish’s skin impervious to flame. So, the only one who ends up getting burned is Lydia, herself. We’ve all been there, am I right, ladies?
“Hey, what were you thinking about, when I was trying to burn off your extremities for sh*ts and giggles?” Lydia inquires conversationally, after this super fun game is over.
“Oh nothing,” replies Parrish, “except for the recurring ‘dream’ I have, which is obviously reality because all dreams on this show are real, of wandering around naked carrying dead bodies to a big ole tree stump and incinerating them with my hot bod. I’m not going to tell you about the whole incineration via hot bod part, because then you won’t want to sleep with me anymore. Oops, I just said that out loud didn’t I?”
“Don’t worry, Parrish,” Lydia reassures her meathead of a new beau. “If you watched the first four seasons of this show, you would know that I pick my lovers based on the fact that I have an obvious death wish. Case in point: my last three boyfriends, were a sociopathic Alpha Wolf, who murdered his pack leader, and spent half a season trying to murder my best friends, a psycho Alpha Wolf who made me drug all my friends at my birthday party, and conduct a ritual to bring him back from the dead, and a psychopathic lizard, who murdered six or seven complete strangers, and paralyzed a few of my friends, because this random kid told him to do it. You’ll fit right in!”
Adventures in Sociopathic Dentistry
Speaking of sociopaths, graduate schools in The Land of Teen Wolf Big Bads must be really good, because the Dredd Doctors, somehow, managed to go to medical school and dental school at the same time! Their dentistry professor? This Guy!
Thanks to whatever the heck it was the doctors injected into Donovan (who the doctors have conveniently broken out of jail, by the way) last week, they are now able to pull out all of his “baby teeth,” and Wendigo fangs immediately sprout in their place.
Donovan also gets a second set of Wendigo fangs on his wrist, because you never know when you’ll get really hungry, while your first mouth is otherwise engaged . . .
Hey, look it’s the Not-So-Secretly-Evil New Member of Scott’s Pack, Theo! He’s come to visit Donovan, and tell him to kill Stiles, to get back at Sheriff Stilinski for making him flunk Deputy school . . .
Hey, not to go against Aria’s brother from Pretty Little Liars, Donovan, but shouldn’t you be thanking Sheriff Stilinski? Because last I checked, unless you happen to be moonlighting as a Naked Garbage Men of Wuzzles like Parrish, being a deputy in Beacon Hills is pretty much a first class ticket to the morgue.
Then again, so is being a Wuzzle in Beacon Hills, so you are pretty much screwed either way.
Here’s my theory. I think Theo is going to “save” Stiles from Donovan, next week, thereby earning him formal membership into Scott’s pack, and a direct ability to turn all Scott’s friends against him / steal his true Alpha powers . . .
But I’m getting a bit ahead of myself. Let’s go back to the sheriff’s office and clean up the pile of drool that became of last week’s Wuzzle, Tracey.
In Which You Get Your Weekly Lesson in Totally Random Mythology and Not Particularly Scientifically Accurate Genetics
Not to start a shipper war, or anything, but I’m totally starting a shipper war.
Anyone who thinks that lunkhead Parrish is a better choice for Lydia’s main squeeze than Stiles, please observe this silently subtle scene where a devastated Stiles reacts to seeing Lydia stabbed in the stomach, and bleeding out on the floor, and Lydia bravely assures him she’s OK, so he can carry out his pack duties with Scott.
Not-So-Secretly-Evil Theo rushes in to tourniquet Lydia’s wound, which earns him some grudging respect from the clearly-smitten Stiles, as was intended.
Meanwhile downstairs, Malia is trying to convince everyone she didn’t kill Tracey. “Look, she’s drooling that silver crap, and no part of her is eaten. If it were me, I would have nibbled on her drumstick thigh, because it’s the tastiest part of a wuzzle. Much more flavor than the arm. Just saying. It was those Dredd Doctor things that killed her.”
Because they don’t want to alert Beacon Hills to the existence of Wuzzles, Scott’s pack decide to take Tracey’s gross dead body back to Deaton’s office, where he can give a parting boring monologue about genetics, before he skips off to star in a few episodes of The Walking Dead.
“The fact that Tracey was able to cross the mountain ash, and has the body parts of two past supernatural villain creatures on the show, means she’s a genetic freak, not a supernatural one,” Deaton explains.
“Are you saying that an adult’s genetic code can be altered at will by injection? Because that sounds like kind of crappy scientific logic,” the pack muses.
“To be honest, I have no f&*king clue what I’m talking about. But because I talk like Yoda, I must be right,” responds Deaton. “Off to chill with some Zombies on AMC. Toodles!”
Later in science class, Scott’s awful AP Bio teacher, whose probably going to end up being Malia’s mom, or something, conveniently teaches Scott about wuzzles, calling them “chimeras,” but I think wuzzle is a better name for them, personally.
She goads Scott into picking up a drop form for her class, and then seems sad, when he actually takes her advice.
Women . . . sheesh. I am one, and sometimes I don’t understand us . . .
Jujitsu? I Hardly Know You!
Back at the hospital, Lydia day dreams that she is a victim of the Dredd Doctors, while she’s in surgery for her belly wound. But, obviously, it’s real, because, like I said earlier, dreams on this show are always real.
Then, Parrish creepily watches her sleep, envisions burning her face off with his finger, like he did with the playing card that looks like her, and offers to teach he jujitsu, because . . . plot reasons.
Aren’t Crime Scenes Sacred Anymore?
Meanwhile, Malia sashays into Tracey’s house, and thumbs around her personal belongings, because, in Beacon Hills, crime scenes are easier to get into than R-rated movies, and admission is free!
There, she comes across this book, which isn’t actually a real book, by the way. I know, because I checked . . .
In other Malia news, she decides to put her search for her mother on hold, to help her pack mates with Beacon Hill’s Wuzzle Problem.
Awww, our little werecoyote is putting other’s needs before her own. She’s all grown up!
In fact, she’s the most grown-up almost 30-year old playing a teenage girl, since, well, all the other almost 30-year olds playing teenage girls on this show . . .
Twerking with your Wuzzle of the Week
Elsewhere in Beacon Hills, Jeff Davis decides he hasn’t done a gay nightclub / techno dancing sequence yet this season, and so we get Club Sinema.
Apparently, just as we’ve all long suspected, nearly every male in Beacon Hills conveniently happens to be a homosexual . . .
. . . including Brett . . .
. . . and Mason . . .
. . . and our wuzzle of the week, Lucas, whose cover is totally blown, when his arm boners, accidentally flay his boyfriend . . .
Also at cinema is Scott’s Mini Me, Liam, and his love interest, who got a job working as a bar wench at an over 21 night club, despite looking about 12, because she’s “poor” or something . . . also because the bar owner is probably a pedophile.
Lucas’ arm-boner problem gets him into trouble, once again, when he’s making out with Mason. Fortunately, help is on the way. En route to the scene of the soon-to-be crime, Scott tells Kira he loves her, because no place is a more romantic place for a straight couple to exchange “I love yous” for the first time, than outside the gay nightclub, where your friends are possibly being murdered.
Scott and co easily disarm Lucas, because, apart from the whole arm boner thing, he’s really not that bad of a guy. I mean, sure he made his boyfriend’s arm look like bacon, but he apologized for it! In short, Lucas just wants what every teenage gay boy wants, to hide his sexual dysfunction long enough to get laid.
Then, Kira turns all Powderpuff girl again, and tries to kill Lucas, for no good reason whatsoever. Fortunately, Scott stops Kira from doing this just in time, and looks at her with these seriously judgy eyes. “Hey Kira, you’ve been acting like kind of a b*tch lately. Is it your time of month?”
“Hey Scott, didn’t your mother ever tell you not to blame a woman’s emotions on PMS?” Kira scolds.
“Yeah, sorry,” Scott apologizes.
“Just kidding. It’s totally PMS. And I’m going to try to murder you in your sleep every night for the next three-to-five days,” Kira adds with a giggle.
“Hey, why did you do that?” Scott asks dumbfoundedly. “He was kind of hot.”
“Because we are the bad guys, duh!” The Dredd Doctors reply, before exiting stage left.
Back in the morgue, Scott is sad about Lucas’ untimely demise. “I should have saved him,” he complains to his mother.
“Stop shoulding all over yourself,” Scott’s mom replies.
“Hey, I stopped pooping the bed when I was ten,” Scott argues.
“I said ‘shoulding’ you dummy,” Scott’s mom answers. “What I mean, is stop beating yourself up. If you weren’t absolutely terrible at your job of saving your friends from horribly excruciating supernatural deaths, you wouldn’t be my son.”
“Awww! Thanks mom!” Scott responds.
More Naked Parrish? – Jeff Davis says, “Your Welcome.”
Later that night, Naked Garbage Man of Wuzzles, steals Arm Boner Lucas from the morgue, carries him to that big ole tree stump that was a big plot point a few seasons back, and burns his body to ash. Meanwhile in Hell, Darach Jennifer cries, because if she had a Naked Garbage Man helping her out during her season, she might still be alive and humping Derek Hale today . . .
In Which Stiles Gets One Hell of a Hickey
In the final scene of the episode, Stiles fixes his broken down jeep with tape, because he, like everyone else on this show, has an obvious death wish.
Then Donovan comes with that extra mouth on his hand, and uses it to place a rather large hickey on my favorite character’s neck.
Until next time, Werebangers!