Tag Archives: 80’s Bill

Sometimes, Sex Can Be Icky . . . – A Recap of True Blood’s “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin’?

Don’t worry, Eric, sexual ickiness is clearly NOT something you have to worry about!

(NOT ICKY . . . AT ALL! :))

Now, Vampire Bill, on the other hand . . .

Greetings Fangbangers!  While last week’s installment of True Blood featured “A Whole Lotta Naked,” this week’s episode featured A Whole Lotta Sex.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t the GOOD kind of sex . . . AT ALL!

“You mean there is such a thing as bad sex?”

(Oh yes there is JASON!  And, unfortnately, you are about to learn that first hand.)

So, strap on a condom, and renew your prescription for The Pill, because we are about to get started on this recap!

Amnesia Eric Apparently Watches the Jersey Shore

 “Eat your heart out, The Situation!”

When we last left our new pal, Amnesia Eric, and his roommate, Sookie, he was sniffing her from the window of her car, and telling her how good she smelled.

“Thanks Eric, but I think that’s just the pine tree air freshener hanging from my dashboard!”

This week, Eric continues to soak in Sookie’s stench, until she tires of being his personal Scratch n’ Sniff sticker, and drives away.  Now, you would think that, after four seasons of being attacked at night by supernatural creatures, while driving in her car, Sookie would learn to . . . I don’t know . . . CLOSE HER WINDOW!

But she doesn’t . . . so THIS happens . . .

Now, Sookie’s MAD!  So, she gets out of her car, and PUNCHES AMNESIA ERIC IN THE NOSE!

The fact that Eric was so utterly shocked, and hurt, by the fact that the girl he just VIOLENTLY PULLED OUT OF THE WINDOW OF HER CAR WITH HIS BARE HANDS would possibly want to do him harm, makes me wonder if he not only has amnesia, but has lost his short term memory, as well.

“Does this mean you DON’T want to have sex with me?

Sookie exasperatedly explains to Eric that his pretty little nose will heal right away, since he’s a vampire.  So, he should really stop crying about it.  Eric’s response?

Source

Did you hear that, Fangbangers?  Amnesia Eric just confused the blonde, southern, spunky, fairy waitress with the brunette, northeastern, puffy-haired, fake-baked, dumpling.

Source

I don’t know . . . if I was Sookie, I might have punched him again, at this point! 

But then, Sookie starts asking Eric what happened to him.  Eric gets so flustered and upset, that he starts talking in Sexy Magical Panty Dropping Language Viking  Swedish.  Then, he starts describing the Evil Witch who “took everything away from him.”  And he becomes all sad, scared, and baby blinky eyed, like a puppy who was just banished to the dog house, and is trying desperately to win back his owner’s affection.

“Awwww come on Sookie, don’t you want to bone me give me a bone?”

Sookie takes one look at that hot manly Bod of Godliness those wide innocent eyes, and takes pity on her confused roomie.  And so, she agrees to take this lost puppy home for a long round of shower sex with her, provided he doesn’t touch or bite her.  (Oh Sookie!  You are SO going to be eating Eric’s pants those words, in a few episodes!)

Source

Source

“This is the beginning of a beautiful sex life friendship!”

Important Fact: Eric Northman is TICKLISH!

*tee heee heee heee*  “That tickles!”

When Eric and Sookie arrive back at the house, Eric (who is now wrapped in an adorable fleece blanket, which, apparently, Sookie keeps in her car for whenever Impromptu Car Sex Opportunities arise) lingers uncomfortably on her doorstep . . .

From a vampire mythology perspective, I found it interesting that Sookie had to re-invite Amnesia Eric into the home he now technically owns.  After all, though Eric no longer REMEMBERS purchasing Sookie’s house out from under her, he STILL has contractual rights to it.  Yet, even after Sookie TOLD Eric that he owned the house, he still would not enter until he received a formal invitation.  This leads me to believe that there is at least some psychological component to the whole “The vampire has to be invited into your home to gain entrance” rule.

Anywho . . .

When Eric eventually does come in, his muddy feet track dirt all over Sookie’s ugly crocheted rug, which is NOT COOL, as far as Sookie is concerned.  So, she makes him shimmy around the thing, a movement which does some very flattering things for his already delectably pinchable bum . . .

Source

Shake your bon-bon!  Shake your bon-bon!

Sookie then decides to wash Eric’s dirty feet in a basin, as he giggles and splashes around like a toddler.  He stops for a moment to admire Sookie and tell her how beautiful she is.  I love the way Eric seems to be rediscovering his attraction for Sookie, in its purest most innocent form.  I think it’s also great that he no longer has ANY GAME.  Viking Vamp Eric may have been a seductive, often manipulative, charmer, but Amnesia Eric perpetually wears his heart on his sleeve and his woody in his pants.

Source

Don’t worry, Eric!  You are going to get it all back soon enough . . . and then some!

While scrubbing away, Sookie calls Pam, who’s right in the middle of dinner (a.k.a. eating a dude), to inform her of the current situation.  Pam has dumped her leftovers, and is on Sookie’s doorstep, before you can say Jesus Metaphor.

Source

OK . . . now maybe I have a dirty mind, but what exactly does this look like to you?

Eric, who has no recollection at all of his own “child” exclaims, “WHO THE F*&K IS THAT,” when Pam arrives at the door.  Then he actually APOLOGIZES for being RUDE!  (Who IS this guy?)  Sookie is not exactly thrilled to learn that an Evil Coven of Witches is after Eric.  “I have to deal with WITCHES’ now,” she exclaims!

You think THAT’S bad, wait until you get a load of the WEREPANTHERS!

Sookie is even more unhappy to learn that she has to babysit Eric, while Pam works to help him regain his memory.  Since she NEVER EVER LEARNS, Sookie has the brilliant (read: ridiculously dumb) idea of going to King Beeel for help with Eric’s little problem.  “You tell Bill, and I will rip you to PIECES!”  Pam exclaims furiously.

At which point, Eric lashes out at Pam, literally throwing her out of the house, with the vampire powers he, apparently, still remembers how to use quite well . . .

I hope she washed her feet, first!

Poor Pam!  Here she is, trying to be helpful to her Maker, and she has to hear lectures from Amnesia Eric on how she has to be nice to SOOKIE!  I bet that really DUSTS HER DOILIES (and not in a good way)!

Source

Pam explains to Remedial Student Sookie that Vampire Bill was the one who actually ORCHESTRATED Eric losing his memory, by sending him into the witches’ coven unprotected, knowing FULL WELL what they would do to him, once he arrived there.

Thank you, King Beel, for helping to ensure that Sookie and Eric make sweet, sweet love in the very near futue.   Your douchedom is, actually, much appreciated, in this rare instance.

Though it seems completely unnecessary at this point, Sookie feels the need to add that Bill ONLY wants revenge on Eric because he TASTED some of his prized Sookie Shortcake, without paying for it, first .  . .

*ahem*

Upon hearing that he has once SUCKED STACKHOUSE, Eric seems rather pleased with himself.  “I did?”  He inquires excitedly. 

Of course, Sookie has to be a killjoy and tell Eric that this was a non-consensual  suck.  “You, basically, fang-raped me.”

This causes poor Amnesia Eric to apologize for about the 85,000th time this episode.  “Sorry,” he says.  (I’m starting to think that “Sorry” is Amnesia Eric’s middle name.)

Pam warns Sookie not to tell anyone that Eric is hiding out at her pad.  She then leaves Sookie’s Love Shack to go kick some ass, and eat some neck . . .

Sookie’s Ass Has Its Own Theme Song (Don’t you wish YOURS did?)

Source

Sookie leads a timid, very poorly dressed (Jason Stackhouse!  I expected more from your wardrobe!)   Amnesia Eric downstairs to his newly-renovated cubby hole to get some shut-eye (dead eye?).  Now that he’s got her in his bedroom, our Wiser Than He Looks protagonist decides to interrogate his hostess.  “Are you mine?”  He asks.

“Nope.” Sookie replies.

LIAR!

“Do you belong to another vampire?”  Eric inquires.

“Nope.” Sookie answers.  (This one is true.)

“Would you like TO BE MINE?”  Eric asks, hopefully.

Source

“No, I would not!”  Sookie responds frustratedly.

Yet another LIE!  Tsk, Tsk!

Eric must sense that Sookie is fibbing, because he catches her at the doorway, and extends his fangs, breaking two of Sookie’s All Important House Rules, in under a second . . .

Source

“Do I have bad breath?  It must have been that Marnie I ate, earlier this evening.”

SURPRISE!  Amnesia Eric says “Sorry,” yet again.  (Hey guys!  I just thought of a GREAT drinking game you could play, during this season of True Blood.  You’ll be drunk off your ass in no time!)

“He said ‘SORRY!’  Everybody DRINK!”

Speaking of ass . . . As Sookie climbs the cubby hole ladder, back into her living room, Eric unabashedly admires her ASS-ETS.  While he does so,  a song plays that shares the title to this episode.  Once she’s upstairs, the music stops. 

It’s the only time music plays throughout the entire hour.   And, as a result, it’s was a bit jarring for this viewer.  Typically, the title of the episode represents the song that plays during the final credits.  But, this week, “Season of a Witch” played during the credits.  So, basically, “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin”  is nothing more than Sookie’s Ass Song.  

“I WANT MY OWN ASS SONG!”

You’re KILLING ME, Alcide!

How could something so beautiful, be SO STUPID!

Probably because she doesn’t trust herself not to jump his bones, Sookie is desperate to get Amnesia Eric out of her house and her pantalones.  So, she visits Alcide, since he “owes Eric one.”  When Alcide sees Sookie, it is just like old times!  There are lots of eye-f*&ks, “meaningful” stares, and hugs that last just a bit too long to be considered merely friendly . . .

“Your nose smells good, Sookie!”

“Well, actually Alcide, I’m just getting over a sinus infection . . .”

So, you can imagine how shocked Sookie is to find THIS CHICK inside Alcide’s house, waiting to give her a Big Ole Hug!

OMG, guys!  It’s Trailer Trash Debbie.  And supposedly she’s “not on drugs anymore,” and “loves the Lord.”  She’s also dyed her hair shockingly Sookie blonde, presumably because she thinks (with good reason) that this is what Alcide likes.  It’s TOTALLY Single White Female.  But the grossest part about the whole scenario is when Alcide starts WILLINGLY MAKING OUT WITH DEBBIE!

Silly Alcide?  Didn’t you read the books?  Just like a tiger can’t change its spots, a Trailer Trash Werewolf can’t change her BATSH*T CRAZY!  And the sooner you learn that, the better off you will be!

Long story short, Alcide is too busy getting crabs from Trailer Trash Debbie to help out Sookie.  Oh well!  I guess she’ll have to shower him, herself.  Darn!

Beware of the Ugly Ass Doll, and the Eyes of a Cheating Vampire

Source

Jess has something important she wants to talk about with her Daddy.  But King Beel has some “Vampire Business” to dispense with, first.  The anti-vampire campaign in Bon Temps is in full force.  And one unlucky vamp, has become the unwitting spokesperson for the cause, having been caught on YouTube eating a chick in an alleyway.

This website is real, by the way.

Even though the woman in the video clearly did NOT die, and the vampire in question was only doing what Bill himself, used to do back in the 80’s . . .

King Hypocrite.

The “benevolent” King Beel, decides to put the guy to death, in order to . . . wait for it . . . “send a message.”  (I’ve got a message for you, Beel.  It starts with a F and ends with a U.)

Fortunately, Daddy-O is a bit more lenient with Baby Vamp Jessica, when SHE confesses to feeding on Sexy Non-Hoyt guy in the Fangtasia bathroom, last week (but, perhaps, only because SHE didn’t get caught, like that other guy did).  King Beel actually gives GOOD advice to Jessica, telling her that she owes it to Hoyt to be honest about her unfaithfulness.  Interestingly enough, these father/daughter scenes are the ONLY times I can stand Vampire Bill. 

(Nevermind that King Beel has absolutely NO BUSINESS teaching Jess the importance of truth, considering that he was lying to Sookie from the moment he met her . . .)

Source

Good dad .  . . horrible creature

When Jessica comes home she finds a pissed off Hoyt, once again clutching that creepy burnt up doll, which, apparently, is Chuck from Child’s Play incarnate.  After all, no matter how many times they throw the ugly thing away, it just KEEPS COMING BACK!

 I don’t know, Hoyt . . . if you hate the doll so much, why do you seem to spend a few minutes every episode HUGGING it?

Eventually, the young couple decide to give the dirty doll to Arlene’s Evil  Devil Baby, which, when you think about it, is probably the most appropriate place for it!

Baby LIKE!

As it turn out, however, Evil Dolls are the LEAST of Jess’ and Hoyt’s problems.  When Jess confesses to Hoyt about eating another man, Hoyt is understandably upset.  And so Jess makes a decision that we are SURE is going to come back and bite her in the ass.  She compels her own boyfriend to FORGET WHAT SHE DID!


Watching this, I couldn’t help but be reminded of ANOTHER Baby Vamp who compelled her then-boyfriend to forget some “bad” things about her . . .

 Source

Of course, THAT time, the wussy wimp boyfriend ASKED for the compulsion, because he supposedly, though it ended up being nothing more than an EVIL trick (long story) couldn’t, in the words of Jack Nicholson, “Handle the Truth” . . .

Hoyt is OBVIOUSLY compelled against his will.  In fact, his last words, before falling under his girlfriend’s spell are, “Don’t you dare.”

Now, you know how I hate to say Beel  is right, EVER!  However, I’m pretty sure his prediction that, if Jess didn’t tell Hoyt about her unfaithfulness, he would find out on his own, is probably prophetic . . .

Speaking of Beel, and family . . . *ahem*

“It’s a REAL GOOD THING vampires can’t procreate .  . .”

I’m going to try my VERY best to not spoil this storyline.  But those who have read the Sookie books undoubtedly are feeling my EXTREME pain with respect to the scene in which Bill and Portia make “sweet, sweet, love.”

Want proof that Vampire Bill sucks at romance?  Check out the dinner he has with his new girlfriend, in which she tellls him that they should “consider adding sex to their [relationship]” simply because they are both powerful and intelligent.  Bill then proceeds to make this long boring speech about how his heart is too old to love, and blah, blah, blah . . . presumably, attempting to put Portia to sleep, so he doesn’t have tohave sex with her her.

Wake me up, when I’ve returned to your television screen!

But, you’ve really gotta hand it to Portia!  Having listened to all those lame lines and B.S., She’s sTILL DTF (a.k.a Down to F*&k).  So, “F” they do, as I proceed to vomit up my TV dinner . . .

In other nauseating news . . .

Jason Gets Laid By Lots of Ladies in the Same Night!

Source

Don’t get too excited, Jason!  It’s not quite what you think . . .

Poor Jason!  His whole life, he’s probably been waiting to have as much sex as he gets to have in this episode.  Then again, when he dreamed of this day, he probably didn’t imagine himself, drugged, chewed up within in an inch of his life, tied to a dirty bed, and repeatedly raped, by a bunch of unhygienic , gap-toothed girls who refer to him as “Ghost Daddy!”

I never thought I’d say this about my lover, Jason Stackhouse, but PLEASE get this creepiness OFF my TV screen!  (Oddly enough, he still looks pretty hot, though!)

So, apparently, not only is Jason being converted into a werepanther to impregnate CRYSTAL, he’s also being used to impregnate the ENTIRE female population of Hot Shot who’s over age 13!

Source

At least Andy’s finally woken up from his drug-induced stupor long enough to realize that his partner is MISSING! 

Source

 Even though Andy still has no idea where his bromantic buddy is (not to mention, he is so effed on V that he’s in NO CONDITION to help him) I’m still glad Andy got to call Jason’s cell phone, if only so that we could hear his hilarious answering machine:

  “You’ve reached Jason Stackhouse’s voicemail.  I’m not hear to take your call right now.   If this is an emergency, call 911, and ask for me!”

“Hi, 911?  Can I talk to Jason Stackhouse, please?  I’m stuck in Hotshot, with a bunch of hillbilly freaks, who are trying to rape me!  What . . . . what do you mean ‘He’s not there?’  Where the heck is he?”

Speaking of Andy, he finally came clean to Sam about his “V” addiction.  And, as we know, admitting you have a problem is the first step to solving it. 

Unless, of course, your problem involves maenad-induced pig hallucinations, in which case, you are on your own!

Speaking of Sam, he bonded a bit with former former f*&k buddy, Tara, and scolded Tommy Boy, when he claimed he wanted to steal Maxine’s “Natural Gas” money.  So, much for brotherly bonding . . .

Stealing from people is WRONG, Tommy Boy!  (But holding them at gunpoint, until they give you cash, and then shooting them anyway, is right.)

Honestly, I didn’t really quite buy the whole, Maxine’s living on a Natural  Gas landmine, and some dude just randomly knocked on her door, like Publisher’s Clearinghouse, offering her all this cash for no reason.  Either this is a Long Con, or the most unrealistic, contrived storyline ever.  Personally, I feel like this whole Sam/Tommy storyline, has been a bit setup for Sam to end up KILLING Tommy, so that he can become a “Skinwalker” and be able to shift into other humans, like his new girlfriend Luna can.  But that’s just me?

You probably should have stuck with the dogfights, Tommy Boy!  Because your days of illiterate whining are numbered . . .

Pam threatens to have sex with Tara, Laffy, and Jesus.  (Now, that doesn’t sound so bad, does it?)

Source

Awwww . . . isn’t that just the sweetest thing you have ever heard?

Still having absolutely NO CLUE what they’ve done to Eric, Marnie’s coven is PISSED OFF, and ready for revenge.   “He came into my house, and tried to get us to stop practicing our religion,” an indignant Marnie exclaims. 

Tara and Laffy, however, who each have personal experience with the Viking Vamp, aren’t as quick to want to go after him with pitchforks.   After all, both cousins are still nursing some SERIOUS PTSD after their respective vampire run-ins.

Source

Eric F*&king Northman, indeed!

But alas, Pam recognizes Laffy’s witch powers, and sees HIM as the quickest possible way to track down Eric’s witchy nemesis.   So, she kidnaps him and tosses him in the fateful dungeon where he spent many months, back in season 2.

“By the way, Laffy!  I LOVE your purple tank.  Where did you get it?”

Once they realize he’s missing, Tara and Jesus rush to Laffy’s aid, armed with a gun filled with wooden bullets.  (As former-Queen Sophie Anne can tell you, wooden bullets are NO JOKE!)  When Tara and Jesus arrive, Ginger the Banshee Waitress screams,  (SURPRISE!)

How on Earth does this woman still have a voicebox?

However, eventually, Pam and the feisty threesome broker what seems to me like a very reasonable deal:  They bring Pam to Marnie.  And, in return, Pam doesn’t eat and screw their brains out . . .

If Everyone Claps Their Hands and Says “I Believe” Maybe She Will Come Back to Life!  (Who am I kidding?  She’s TOAST!)

Nice knowin’ ya, Claudine!

That night, Sookie is sitting at her kitchen table, engrossed in a Charlaine Harris book . . .

“YES!  Just a few more pages, until I get to have shower sex with Eric!”

 . . . when she suddenly gets a nervous feeling in the pit of her stomach.  She checks Eric’s cubby hole, and finds it empty.  Frantic, Sookie rushes outside, to find Worst Fairy Godmother Ever Claudine on her doorstep.  Claudine has the NERVE to ask Sookie to come back to the worst opening sequence in the history of True Blood Fairy Land, where she can eat glow fruits, and hang out with more dead relatives.  Sookie says, thanks but no thanks.  And Claudine gets pissed.  But before she throw lightning bolts at Sookie, Eric emerges from the backyard, hungry for dessert, FAIRY DESERT.

Within minutes, Eric has devoured all the “good parts” of Claudine.  The rest turns into this .  . .

My precious . . . face.

Needless to say, Sookie is not pleased. 

Source

(How fitting that Amnesia Eric’s new catchphrase is the last word of the episode.)

And that’s all I’ve got.  See you next week!

Source

Yes . . . I do plan to use this GIF at the end of every TB recap.  Got a problem with that? 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever] [Have Blood Will Travel!  (a TVD / True Blood Crossover Fanfic)]

21 Comments

Filed under True Blood

Sookie in Wonderland – A Recap of True Blood’s Season 4 Premiere “She’s Not There”

Source

You’re not dreaming, my fellow Fangbangers!  True Blood is back on your television, and it’s weirder, wackier, more bizarre, and — if that final scene was any indication — SEXIER than ever!

Season 4’s premiere episode definitely had a different feel than the three seasons premieres preceding it.  Unlike the last two season openers, which began almost immediately, after the prior seasons ended, “She’s Not There” took a page out of the Sookie Stackhouse Book Series, in that it takes place ONE WHOLE YEAR after the Season 3 finale.  This gives the viewer, who ALSO hasn’t been to Bon Temp in about a year, the feeling that he or she watching the episode take place in “real time,” so to speak.

Source

“If we drive fast enough (and don’t stop for gas . . . ahem), we can make it home in time for the season premiere.”

Another “page” Alan Ball took out of the books this time around, was its narrative perspective.  One of the main differences between the Sookie Stackhouse BOOKS and True Blood is that, while the former is written in Sookie’s voice (shrill, as it may sometimes be) . . .  the latter is told from a third-person omniscient standpoint, allowing the viewer to see and know plenty of things that Sookie doesn’t.  Here, however, because both Sookie AND the viewer have been gone for a year, we’ve ALL been left in the dark, as to what’s been happening in Bon Temps, while we’ve been away.  As a result, throughout the first episode, we are learning all the CRAZY, SOMETIMES RIDICULOUSLY OUT OF CHARACTER, changes Sookie’s friends have undergone this past year, right along with Sookie, herself.  And most of the time, it leaves us just as confused as she is . . .

Given all these aforementioned book / television similarities, it might surprise you to know that, based on the premiere episode, Season 4 of True Blood might end up being the season that takes the BIGGEST departure from the book series yet.  And the best example of that is probably the COMPLETELY wackadoodle manner in which the episode begins . . .

“I see Queen Mab hath been with you, Sookeh!”

Source

“Why do I feel like I just walked into a commercial for feminine products?”

Coming into the episode, most of us Fangbangers had already seen the extremely controversial first eight minutes of this episode, as HBO had (unwisely?) released it to fans a few weeks before the series premiere.  I’ll come right out of the gate, and tell you I wasn’t particularly thrilled with it.  While I understand the writers might have seen this as the best way to keep Sookie out of commission for a year, while drawing on an element of the True Blood mythology we haven’t learned much about yet, I just found the scene itself strange, oddly derivative (the Lotus Eaters and Romeo and Juliet references were eyeroll inducing) . . .

 . . .  and sorely lacking the fun, humor, creativity, sexuality, and camp, we have come to expect from True Blood.

*takes deep breath*  OK . . . now that I got that off my chest, let’s frolic a bit in Fairyland, shall we?

When we last left Sookie, she was running in the forest, when Fairy Girl Claudine beamed her up into Fairy World . . .

You can fly.  You can fly.  You can FLYYYYYYYY!

As I mentioned earlier, at first blush, Fairyland looks like a cross between Ancient Greece and a Tampon Commerical.   Sookie and Claudine arrive there in a flash of light, and everybody applauds.  (They probably think Vampire Eric or Jason will follow behind them.  Unfortunately, they don’t . . .I don’t know about the fairies, but if I was there, I’d probably feel majorly ripped off.)

 Claudine then informs Sookie that she is her Fairy Godmother.  Of course, Sookie, being Sookie, is not shy about telling her “new friend” how much she sucks at her job.  Given all the crap Sookie has been through during the past three seasons, fans are inclined to agree with her assessment.

Next time, try hiding her in a pumpkin.”

While in Fairyland, Sookie runs into good ole’ Barry the Bellhop.  Remember him?  The dweeby fellow mindreader she met in Dallas during Season 2?  Apparently, he’s part fairy too.  But honestly, I was so mesmerized by the hot piece of man meat who functions as HIS fairy godmotherfather? that I wasn’t paying attention to poor Barry at all .  . .

Apparently, Sookie was in the bathroom, during the Fairy Godmother selection process . . .

Barry starts blabbing to Sookie about how TOTALLY RAD Fairyland is, as its the only place that doesn’t make him feel like a “Total Freak.”  (Umm . . . hate to break it to you, Barry.  Your best friend is a Fairy Godmother, who wears a loin cloth and a sparkly gold vest.  You’re kind of a Total Freak, anyway.)  When Sookie asks Barry how long he’s been in Fairyland, he says he “just got there,” a statement we will come to question in just a few more minutes . . .

As the two are talking, Sookie notices that all the fairies are handing out these strange glowing lotus flowers fruits called Lumineres(?), and all the humans are mindlessly gorging themselves on them.  This sends off warning bells in Skeptical Sookie’s head, and she holds on to hers, without taking a bite.  Meanwhile, Sookie encounters another familiar face Gary Cole Grandaddy Earl, and, by golly, he hasn’t aged a bit since Sookie last saw him. (Gasp!  Maybe he’s a VAMPIRE!)

He did manage to get rid of those pesky squiggly lines around his head though . . .

Granddaddy Earl is SUPER surprised to see Sookie looking all grown-up and sporting boobies, considering he was just at her seventh birthday party.  “That was twenty years ago, Grandaddy!”  Sookie exclaims.

“HUH!” Grandaddy Earl says.  “But I JUST GOT HERE!”  (See what I mean?  Who KNOWS how long Barry the Bellhop has been hanging out with Conan the Hot-barian?)

Now, if you thought THAT conversation was awkward, wait until you see what Sookie has to tell Grandaddy next . . .

“I’m sorry Granddaddy, but that ugly shirt you’re wearing wasn’t even in style, 20 years ago.”

Granddaddy wants to know if his wife, Adele, had a “PEACEFUL” death  . . .

 

Ummm . . .

“She died peaceful,” replies Sookie.  (No sense reopening old bludgeonings, right?)

Considering that Granddaddy Earl, like Sookie, is seemingly capable of mind reading (guess, in the TV series, at least, he is part-fairy too), you would think he might have pulled the above gory image out of Sookie’s brain.  But, fortunately, for him, he didn’t.  Sookie is able to use their mutual mind-reading powers to tell him that Fairyland is a trap, and that they have to leave.  The problem?  ALL FAIRIES HEAR WHAT SHE IS THINKING!

Enter the Big Bad Fairy Queen . .  .

Her name is Queen Mab . . . like in Shakespeare?  (Lame . . . I know.)  Anyway, apparently, she’s a little pissed at Sookie for that time when Vampire BEEEL accidentally got stuck in Fairyland, after chasing Sookie there, last season.

Now, she wants to close off the portal between Fairyland and Humanland, so her fairies will finally stop f*&king humans, and making fairy / human hybirds, like Barry, Sookie, and Granddaddy Earl.  Oh yeah . . . she’s also keeping the hybrid humans in Fairyland so she can .  . . HARVEST THEM?

Well, Sookie, for one, is not down with this harvesting sh*t!  And she doesn’t want to eat any stupid lotus flowers glowing fruit, either.  So,  she tosses the fruit on the floor.  And somehow, this action, causes the TRUE Fairyland to emerge from the Tampon Commercial Version.

 

When did I stop watching True Blood, and start watching The Walking Dead?

So, fairies are apparently SUPER ugly in real life.  And Queen Mab is THE UGLIEST OF ALL!

Coincidentally, this is sort of what I look like in the morning, before I put on my makeup . . .

Sookie shoots her magic glow fingers at Queen Mab, which, oddly enough, considering you would think ALL the fairies had glow fingers, seems to work.  Then her and Grandaddy Earl start running away from Fairyland, as the rest of the fairies throw bolts of light in their direction.  As they are running they meet Claudine’s brother, Claude, who claims to genuinely want to help them, escape, and keep the portal between HumanLand and Fairyland open.  In the books, Claude is described as breathtakingly gorgeous.


Ahhhh . . . did I miss something here?

“Hot” Claude, Granddaddy and Sookie continue to run together until they reach a metaphoric fork in the road  . . .

OK . . .  maybe it’s not so metaphorical.

Claude tells Sookie that Queen Mab is closing off the portal (possibly for good).  So, if Sookie wants out, she’s going to have to jump.  And because, ONLY SHE, and NOT Granddaddy Earl refrained from eating the lotus flower Luminere (?) fruit, she’s going to have to jump alone.  Sookie hesitates initially, because . . . well . . . that doesn’t look so safe.  But, fortunately, Granddaddy Earl pushes her down the “Rabbit Hole,” ignoring Claude’s warnings, by going along for the ride . . .

As the pair “land” back in the cemetery, both Bill and Eric awaken simultaneously, upon sensing Sookie’s presence on Earth, once again .  . .

Wake up, Eric!  Your future F*&k Buddy has arrived!  (And, no, unfortunately, I’m not talking about myself.)

Sadly for Granddaddy Earl, his decision to leave Fairyland has resulted in his imminent death, but not before he gives Sookie his pocket watch, as a gift for Jason.  Earl disappears from Sookie’s life, literally.  And she is forced to mourn his passing yet again.  It all makes for an odd, strange, and sad first ten minutes of the episode.

But fear not Fangbangers, things are about to get better . . .

Cuff Me, Police Officer Jason!  (Preferably to a bed . . . and YOU.)

“You are under arrest.  Up against the wall and SPREAD EM!”

Sookie arrives home to find her house all fixed up and fancy.  Apparently, it’s undergoing renovations, and the contractor performing them, refuses to believe she LIVES THERE.  In fact, he’s so sure she doesn’t that he CALLS THE COPS ON HER ASS.  Thinking absolutely nothing of the fact that her HOUSE HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED, Sookie sits down at her kitchen table, reads the inscription from Adele on her grandpa’s pocket watch, and cries, in a manner highly reminiscent of her Season 1 breakdown, after Adele’s funeral.

Then the cops come . . . or should I say the SUPER HOT COP comes . . .

Source

OK . . . now I know that last season, Jason was riding around in cop cars, following Andy around, and genuinely wanting to be a police officer.  He even took the cop exam, for crying out loud!  But forgive me for thinking that the only time we would ever actually see Jason in a cop uniform would be as a stripper at a bachelorette party . . .

So, color me surprised to find out that Jason (and his SUPER TIGHT POLICE PANTS) has been called to Sookie’s house, while  on duty, to investigate a trespassing call.  Sookie is pretty shocked too, and even more shocked to learn that Jason PUT HER HOUSE UP FOR SALE, because she’s been gone for TWELVE MONTHS!

Time flies when you’re hanging out with the flipping fairies, I guess!  At first, Jason doesn’t exactly believe Sookie’s explanation as to where she’s been all this time.  (He’d always kind of been convinced that Bill killed her.)  However, Jason eventually comes around when Sookie gives him the pocketwatch from Granddaddy.   And suddenly, this show has gone from Tampon Commercial, to The Walking Dead, to Alice in Wonderland, to a Hallmark Commercial, and we aren’t even past the 15-minute mark yet . . .

“This is exhausting!  I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through the rest of this episode.  You know what would help though?  SEX WITH ERIC!”

Speaking of the  Beautiful Viking Vampire (and that Other One) .  . .

“I Never Gave Up Hope (that we would some day get to reenact the shower scene from Book 4)

“Beat it, Beeeeel!  This is MY season!”

Sookie’s and Jason’s kind of maudlin, would be way more interesting if Jason was shirtless during it touching heart-to-heart is rudely interrupted by the arrival of Vampire Bill (a.k.a. Beeeeeeeeel) on her doorstep . . .

Beel is all needy and apologetic.  “Oh, how I’ve missed you.  I haven’t felt your presence in a year.  I’ve been empty without you.  Now, people can finally stop saying I killed you.  I’m so sorry I hurt you, blah, blah, blah . . .”

You are putting everybody to sleep, BEEL!

Fortunately, Eric arrives on Sookie’s porch to spice things up . . . 

Not yet . . . BUT SOON!

Unlike BEEL, Eric never doubted that Sookie would one day return to his bed Bon Temps.  “I never gave up hope,” he says.  “Understand this . . . everyone who claims to love you: your friends, your brother, even Bill Compton, gave up on you.  I never did.”

It’s an AWESOME opening speech for Mr. Northman.  And Bill can’t help but look guilty as he says it, knowing full well that what he’s saying is true.   Even Sookie, though she tries to hide it, seems affected by the speech.  Then again, maybe she is just remembering ANOTHER sexually intense encounter she had with Eric on this very same porch, just last year . . .

Enter Andy Bellefleur . . .

He’s EXTREMELY ANGRY at Sookie for wasting Bon Temp’s finest’s time searching for her, while she was presumed dead.  Vampire Bill, who’s in the doghouse enough as it is, tries to cover for Sookie, claiming she was away on “Vampire Business” . . .

.  . . which only seems to make things worse for both of them.  After everybody leaves the porch, Sookie tells Bill that, even though a year has passed in Humanland, little time has passed in Sookiehead.  Therefore, the wounds of learning that Bill MANIPULATED SOOKIE INTO FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM, IN ORDER TO GET HER TO DO QUEEN SOPHIE ANNE’S BIDDING are still quite fresh.  Sorry Beel!  No more graveyard sex, for you . . .

Also in this scene, we learn that (1) Andy and Jason are now partners; (2) Andy has been taking V for “medicinal” purposes to help heal his broken arm; and (3) he’s apparently developed a nasty addiction to the stuff.  After so many seasons of seeing Andy “father” the often naive and immature Jason, it was intriguing to see the tables turned, for a change.

After all, if ANYBODY knows what it’s like to be addicted to V, it’s Jason Stackhouse . . .

Remember the Unfortunate Priapism Incident of Season 1?


Source

Jason does!

Speaking of bromance . . .

Where Old Air Fresheners Go to Die . . .

There’s been somewhat of a mixed response on the message boards, regarding Lafayette’s NEW ‘DO.  Some think it’s “super sexy.”  I think it makes him look like Mr. T . . .

I pity the fool, who tries to rock this look.”

A year may have passed.  However, Lafayette (or, as I like to call him, My Laffy Taffy . . . or Laffy, for short) and Jesus are still going strong.  But trouble for the couple is looming on the horizon, as Jesus becomes increasingly insistent on Laffy “embracing his witchy roots” and joining Jesus’s coven.  Lafayette reluctantly agrees to go . . . but only for five minutes.  “Ten, if they got drinks,” he adds.  (I KNEW I LIKED THIS GUY, FOR A REASON!)

The coven meeting place reminds me of one of those stores in the mall, where they sell bongs, and peace signs t-shirts.  It’s dank, and dark, and looks like it smells of incense, mildew, and body odor.  The stench of the place emmanates from your television screen.  No wonder Lafayette remarks that this is a place where air fresheners go to die . . .

There are hugs all around, as Jesus introduces Lafayette to the rest of the Motley witch crew.  One of the coven members, is Holly, who you may remember from last season as the Witchy Waitress who tried to perform a spell to kill Arlene’s unborn Devil Baby.  And we all know how well THAT worked out . . .

I sure hope you are better at serving burgers than doing this . . .

The “head” of this coven is a frumpy, doubty, scatterbrained, 50ish coot, named Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter “Marnie.”

Definitely a Deatheater!

Marnie starts moaning, mumbling, chanting, and pretty much looking like your run-of-the-mill Faux Psychic Carnival Kook.  However, things take a turn for the weird / unusual / mildly confusing, when she starts calling out for our Laffy, claiming to be Vampire Eddie from Season 1.  She offers Mohawk Man a rose, and pretty much just shamelessly hits on him, in a way that only Vampire Eddie could . . .

Remember me?

Lafayette is understandably freaked out by the whole “Eddie” thing, but still fairly skeptical of Marnie’s Magical Powers.  In fact, he’s pretty much convinced that Jesus set up the whole thing.  The problem, of course, is that Jesus didn’t know anything about Vampire Eddie. 

I don’t guys, if I were you, I’d stick to the Ouiji Board . . .

Speaking of Dangerous Games . . .

Decapitating Barbies, Mutilating Animals, and Other Signs Your Kid Might Be Evil

Source

Arlene comes home from work to find Baby Mikey sitting on the floor amidst a whole boatload of headless Barbie dolls.  (How creative?)  This only seems to confirm for Arlene that her Baby is Serial Killer Rene Reincarnated.

Terry, who was in the bathroom, while his infant son was busy murdering the entire Mattel family, doesn’t think there is anything wrong with his son’s new hobby.  “When I was a kid I used to put squirrel heads on lizards,” he remarks helpfully.

Ummm . . . yeah . . . that’s kind of /sort of A LOT WORSE than pulling the heads off Barbie dolls, isn’t it? 

It’s always the quiet ones you have to worry about.  (Then again, maybe it’s just the quiet ones, who come with Warning Labels.)

I must admit, I laughed uproariously when Terry told Arlene that her baby HAD to be good, if it had part of HER DNA in it.  Really, Terry?  Because, last I checked, Arlene was a pretty darn awful person . . . racist, self-absorbed, narrow-minded, obnoxious, a kind of lousy mom .  . . Do I need to continue?  At least, Rene was SMART.  (I mean he faked that really cool accent for an entire season, didn’t he?)

Speaking of taking heads off ladies . . .

Tara Thornton Kicks Ass, Takes Names . . . Changes Teams?

After having been beaten down by her own mother, possessed by a maenad, emotionally destroyed by the death of her first love, and abused by Crazy Train Vampire Franklin . . .

. . . Tara kind of went off the rails a bit, at the end of Season 3.  The last time we saw her, she had chopped off all her hair, and was heading out of Bon Temps to Parts Unknown.  When we see Tara again, she is fighting in a cage match, and beating the stuffing out of some chick named Naomi. 

Apparently, all this beating is a HUGE turn on for Tara (yeah, because THAT’S not unhealthy at all), because, in the next scene, we see her making out hard core with SAME girl she was beating senseless before . . .

Source

While the pair are making out, some drunk pervy creeper in a long trench coat, propositions them for sex.  Naomi wants to immediately kick his ass, but TARA STOPS HER, and calmly tells the guy off. 

For me, the fact that Tara is able to calmly talk to ANYBODY is WAY more shocking than her newfound interest in the ladies.  In a later sex scene between the two toned chicas, we learn that Tara has lied to Naomi about her past.  She now goes by the androgynous name of “Toni,” and claims to hail from Atlanta.  After Lafayette texts her to let her know that Sookie is back in town, she fibs to Naomi that her grandmother just died.  Then, when Naomi tells her she should go “home” to be with her family, Tara refuses, arguing that she is better off where she is now.  She then returns to the task of fondling Naomi’s large (but miraculously still perky) boobs .  . .

How to Make an Omelete – Vampire Style

The Honeymoon Period is clearly over for lovebirds, Hoyt and Jess.  She seems bored and listless.  He’d rather hug creepy bald dolls in front of the television after work, than have sex with his hot vampire girlfriend.  Hoyt complains to Jessica that there is never any food in the house, because she never cooks for him.  As someone who’s idea of “cooking,” is poking a hole in the plastic wrap on my Lean Cuisine, before popping it in the microwave, I’m TOTALLY on Team Jess for this one. 

It is seriously not fair, how flawless she looks.  It makes the rest of us females look like . . . Queen Mab.

Jess reminds Hoyt that, as a vampire, she finds food gross, and, oddly enough, dead.  To her, going to the Piggly Wiggly is like going to the morgue.  (I’d probably feel that way too, if my local grocery store was actually called the Piggly Wiggly.)  Hoyt responds with, what I think, is an unnecessarily low blow, by telling her that he thinks her biting him and sucking his blood is equally gross, but he deals with it.

OK Hoyt . . . just so we’re clear . . . getting love bites from your supermodel girlfriend is SEXY AS HELL, and don’t you forget it!

Nonetheless, Jessica responds by agreeing to make Hoyt some scrambled eggs.  And by “make some scrambled eggs,” I mean she angrily breaks an entire carton of eggs over a frying pan (making sure to leave in all the shells), stirs it furiously, and plops it on a plate in front of her honey.  Now, I’ve been mad at Hoyt for the past few minutes.  But he earns major points for me by ACTUALLY EATING THE SLOP off his plate!

Source

The brazen stunt must have won points with Jess too, because, before you know it, the two are laughing uproariously over the broken eggs.

“Am I the only one who finds that personally offensive?”

In other Diplomacy News . . .

“We always look forward to serving humans . . . and I don’t mean for dinner.”

Source

Apparently, Russell Edgington has gone and given Southern vampires a bad name.  Gee, I wonder why . . .

Head of the Vampire council, Nan Flanaghan, is determined to do some damage control, and that means requiring prominent vampires in the community to reassure humans that they will not punch their fists through their back, and rip out their hearts, just because THEY CAN. 

Nan puts Pam on camera first.  However, since the latter isn’t exactly Miss Congeniality, the PSA comes off as a bit stale and phony.  (By the way, anyone notice a bit of love/hate sexual tension between Pam and Nan?  I’m sensing a hookup later this season!)  Fortunately, Nan has other ideas, regarding how to put a better “face” on vampirism.  “He’s who I want,” remarks Nan, pointing at Eric.  (Don’t we all, Nan.  Don’t we all!)

With a boatload of confidence and a sexy swagger to boot, Eric playfully removes Pam’s microphone from her neck, flicks her hair, and takes her place on the hot seat . . .

Source

Eric expertly plays to the masses, calling himself a taxpaying small business owner (not a politician), who understands humans, because he used to be one.  He then promises to continue to serve humans at Fangtasia . . . but not for dinner.  It’s a great speech, and Eric’s sexy smile at the end, seals the deal.  How ANYBODY could hate vampires, after spending three minutes staring at Eric Northman’s face is beyond me.  (I couldn’t even remember my name, by the time he was done.)

Meanwhile, Vampire Bill was making a similar stump speech for the older, more conservative crowd, in Bon Temps.  His speech, appealed to their sense of history, their fear of change, and their desire to stick to the status quo.  It was Southern Gentleman Bill at his most boring best.  One not-so-old person who seemed to genuinely enjoy Vampire Bill’s speech was Portia Bellefleur.  Andy’s sister just so happens to be a local attorney, and head of the chamber of commerce.  Throughout the entire speech, she was eye f*&king Vampire Bill so hard, I thought she would give birth to vampire babies right there in the audience.

Oooh . . . tell me more about the Civil War, Vampire Bill!  It is SO SEXY!”

Our suspicions about a possible romantic involvement between Portia and Bill are confirmed, when Portia meets with Sookie later to help her get her house back from the company that has been prepping it for sale.  During the conversation, Sookie reads Portia’s thoughts, and they are basically one continuous string of “BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL.”

To each her own, I guess . . .

Speaking of men, who may have temporarily moved on from trying to get into Sookie Stackhouse’s panties . . .

Sam Merlotte – Mad Like a Bull, Hung Like a Horse

Over at Merlotte’s everyone is thrilled about Sookie’s return . . .  except Sam.  He’s just PISSED.  We find him griping at Poor Sookie, about how selfish she was for, you know, almost dying and stuff.  (Granted, Bill’s dumb as dogsh*t “Vampire Business” excuse hasn’t put Sookie in the best light.  But STILL . . .  Girlfriend’s been gone for a year.  Pull your thong out of your ass, Sam!)  “A lot has changed around here, since you’ve been gone,” whines Sam.

“Yeah, you’ve gotten a lot more prickly,” replies Sookie.

As it turns out, a lot HAS changed in Sam’s life since he SHOT HIS HALF BROTHER in a drunken rage, last season . . .

Tommy Boy is now permanently disabled . . . has a TERRIBLE Elvis Presley Haircut . . . and currently lives with . . . MAXINE FORTENBERRY?

A lot of people thought the union of Maxine and Tommy was weird, and kind of creepy.  It ABSOLUTELY IS!  However, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. 

Maxine is a woman who doesn’t feel whole, if she doesn’t have a boy in her life to baby and boss around.  Now that her son Hoyt has up and left her for Jessica, Maxine is in desperate need of a surrogate son.  Enter Tommy, an illiterate disabled kid, from a broken home, who can’t read, and can’t take care of himself.  He’s Maxine’s dream come true!    From Tommy’s perspective, all he’s ever really wanted in life was acceptance and shelter, anyway.  It’s why he stuck by his trailer trash parents for as long as he did, and why he put up with all Sam’s emotionally abusive B.S.

Sure, Maxine Fortenberry is an overbearing, narrow-minded, prejudiced biatch, with no qualms about talking about Tushy Cushions in a public area, but she’s all Tommy has, right now . . . Of course, the minute Maxine finds out Tommy is a shapeshifter, in love with a vampire, she will probably kick him to the curb.  But for now, they are just one big happy family.

And yet, seeing Tommy with Maxine only serves to piss off Sam (who, more or less, created this situation) even more.  This is part of the reason Sam attends “anger management” with a group of people who all just so happen to be shapeshifters.  They meet up once a week, drink, talk about their problems, and . . . TURN INTO STALLIONS?

One of the members of this “group” just so happens to be school teacher, Luna, who Sam was eyeballing and smirking at the ENTIRE scene . . . Yep, we all know where THIS is going . . .

Witchcraft is for the Birds . . .

Lafayette is having a bad day.  A V-ed up Andy Bellefleur just physically accosted him, looking for vampire blood on “official police business,” not realizing that Laffy doesn’t deal anymore.  Fortunately, Jason was there to rescue our boy from getting his ass kicked.  But the loyal police partner insisted that Lafayette not breathe a word of Bellefleur’s obvious drug addiction to ANYONE.

So, our hero decides to chill out with a nice fun-filled evening of hokey witchcraft.  This week, Marnie’s bird, Minerva (McGonagal?) has died . . .

She wants the witchy crew to help send Minerva’s spirit to heaven (or whatever version of the Great Beyond thte Wiccans believe in).  She starts off chanting a very PC- funeral-esque type prayer for Minerva.  But then, something comes over her, and the words of the prayer change.  Now, she no longer wants to send the bird’s soul into the great beyond.  She now aims to BRING IT BACK TO LIFE!

The witches in the circle all look a bit confused, and freaked out.   Nevertheless, they comply with their “leader’s” wishes . . . all except Lafayette, who would much rather be home dancing . . .

When she notices that he is not participating, Marnie screams at Lafayette to join in.  Eventually, he does . . .

Then, it happens.  The bird comes BACK TO LIFE . . . for about 6 seconds . . . and  . . . it dies again. (Kind of like Granddaddy Earl.)

“I’m sorry that after all that trouble you went to, your bird is still dead,” Lafayette offers politely.

“It doesn’t matter,” says Marnie callously.

Yeah, real nice, MARNIE!  You’ll be sorry!  I’ll get you, my witchy . . . and your Little Laffy Taffy TOO!”

After the witchy meeting, one of the witches, heads to a newly renovated Vampire Bill’s house to report on what has been happening at the coven meetings.  (Ooh .  . . an undercover witch . . . I like it).  She’s all sweet and super polite to him, referring to him as “Majesty.”  At first, I thought it was just a term of endearment. 

“Your Majesty is the name I like to call my weiner.”

But based on next week’s previews, it’s much more than that. You see,  BILL COMPTON IS APPARENTLY THE KING OF LOUISIANA!

Does that mean Queen Sophie Anne DIED in her battle with Bill at the end of last season?

Anti-climactic much?

Tune in next week to find out . . .

Speaking of mutiny . . .

What Every Woman Wants for Christmas:  Jason Stackhouse in a Box

I thought martyrs got to be shirtless . . .

That’s better!

When we last left the inbred, meth head, werepanther, community of hotshot, the police force had just shot their leader Calvin Norris.  Crystal begged her new beau Jason to save these dirty uneducated freaks, so he decided to become their leader. 

Oh, Jason, you can do SO much better!

Except, eventually some time during the course of the year, the “leader” became more of an “absentee landlord,” dropping by every so often to give the community food, and the bare necessities of life.  While making one of his weekly dropoffs, Jason learns that the ONE COOLER in the entire community is broken.  But when he goes to investigate, one of the older Hotshot Kids bashes Jason over the head with a tire iron, and LOCKS HIM IN THE COOLER!

NOT COOL INBRED KID!  No one puts my Jason on ice, without taking his clothing off first answering to ME!

Meanwhile, over at Fangtasia . . .

Pam and Jessica – Bathroom Buddies For Life

After the Great Egg Fight of 2011, Jess and Hoyt decide to cut loose at the local vampire bar.  Admittedly, Jess is a bit better at “cutting loose” than Hoyt . . .

Source

Remind you of anyone?

While Hoyt is at the bar getting Jess a drink, a VERY SEXY ADMIRER approaches, and hits on Jess the way ONLY men who KNOW they are super attractive can . . .

HELLO RANDY WAYNE!

Super Cute Fangbanger offers Jess his body and his blood, in no uncertain terms.  Jess loyally turns the guy down, telling him that she has a boyfriend, but you can tell she’s a bit reluctant about doing so.  Super Cute Fangbanger can tell too, which is why he continues to eye f*&k Jess, while she dances with Hoyt.

The eyef*&king gets Jess SO hot and bothered that she has to escape to the bathroom to keep from jumping at Super Cute Fangbangers neck.  Ever the pot-stirrer, Pam follows Jess to the bathroom, under the pretense of concern for her well being.  “We were worried about you . . . not really,” she snarks.

Pam then proceeds to call Jessica out on the part SHE has been playing in the eye-f*&king with Super Cute Fangbanger.  In a decidedly ANTI-PAPA BILL moment, Pam encourages Jessica to escape from “married life” with Hoyt, and start to embrace her vampire hunter instincts, before she explodes.  Jessica responds by basically telling Pam she’s jealous that Jess has found love and she hasn’t, before storming out of the bathroom.  This is Pam’s response . . .

Source

LOVE HER!

And finally . . .

“YOU ARE MINE!”

What follows of course, is my FAVORITE scene in the entire premiere episode, for a few reasons:

(1) it involves Sookie and Eric (duh);

(2) it is EXTREMELY EROTIC;

(3) it involves Eric outsmarting Sookie (always a treat); and

(4) it reminds me of one of my favorite scenes from ANOTHER well-known vampire show . . .

Basically, what I’m saying is that I like when hot guys sneak into my bedroom late at night, and dangle long objects in front of me . . . and all that statement implies.

We see Sookie in her bedroom, fresh out of the shower, and clad in her bathrobe.  She turns, sighs, and lets it fall from her body . . .

Well, that’s one way to keep your room clean.  Ladies and gentleman, Eric Northman has entered the building!

I think my FAVORITE part of the scene (even better than the key-dangling part, which I will get to in a bit), is the growl / groan of arousal Eric makes upon seeing Sookie’s naked form for the first time.  He remarks on what a strange, yet satisfying, sensation it is to know that his nightly dreams of her body measure up to the reality. 

Gulp!

Though she would clearly like to be, Sookie is clearly not immune to Eric’s charms.  Anna Paquin portrays Sookie perfectly here, as a woman who is simultaneously, aroused, repulsed, confused, and frightened by the Viking Vampire in her home . . . but IS IT HER HOME?

Sookie, at first, wonders whether she is dreaming, but realizes that she can’t be, as, after a year, Eric’s blood is no longer in her system (which, doesn’t exactly explain, how BOTH Bill and Eric were able to use their blood bond with Sookie to pinpoint the exact time of her return to Earth).  The obvious next question, of course, is how Eric managed to enter Sookie’s house, considering the last time he was there she had rescinded his invitation. 

“You don’t own this house, anymore . . . I own it . .  . which means I also own YOU,” Eric explains, detailing how his certainty that Sookie would one day return to Bon Temps influenced him to make this purchase.

Eric is IMPRESSED.

I mentioned Anna Paquin’s acting skills in this scene, but Alexander Skarsgard’s are notable here too.  The way he looks at Sookie with complete desire, intermingled with smugness over finally having the upper hand in their relationship, and confidence in the disarming effect he is having over her, is Pure Panty-Dropping Perfection.  Add to that the surprising vulnerability of the words he utters next, “You don’t have power over me, anymore,” (which, implies, of course, that she HAD power over him, to begin with, and undoubtedly still does) . . . and  . . . well . .  . I think I just became pregnant.

Of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t end this story, by cluing you in to Eric’s FINAL words to Sookie, the ones we have been waiting to hear him say to her for an entire year . . . the words that Vampire Bill says ALL THE TIME, but somehow they are SO MUCH SEXIER when Eric says them . . .

Wait for it . . .

*faints*

And there you have it, my fellow Fangbangers, the very first True Blood episode of the fourth season.  So .  . . don’t leave me hanging . . . TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

30 Comments

Filed under True Blood

True Blood Season 4 – Spoilers, Speculation, Screencaps, Shirtlessness, and SERIC!

Greetings, Fangbangers!  It’s about that time again!  Summer is almost here!  You know how I can tell it’s almost summer time?  By looking at a calendar, DUH!    Because all the stars on my television screen have suspiciously stopped wearing clothing . . .

SOOKIE:  “You know, it’s really rude to walk around looking all perfect, like that.  All you are doing is making me want to jump your bones the boys with normal-looking bodies feel bad!”

But summer time isn’t just about walking around naked.  (Well . . . it’s MOSTLY about walking around naked.)  It’s also about watching QUALITY summer programming (while naked . . . of course)!  You know, there was a time, not too long ago, when the phrase “Quality Summer Programming” was an oxymoron.  But, thanks in a large part to cable channels like HBO, AMC, Showtime, and . . . yes . . .even ABC Family, serious Summer TV isn’t so oxymoronic ANYMORE! 

Lafayette is very pleased with the new and improved state of summer television.

Perhaps, there is no better example of that than True Blood.  Produced by acclaimed showrunner Alan Ball, and based on the popular Southern Vampire Mysteries series penned by Charlaine Harris, this sublimely-successful television series is about to enter its fourth season.  And, if the collection of recently-released promos for the show are any indication, it’s going to be quite an AWESOME season, indeed.

Season of Seric, HERE WE COME!

The purpose of this post is to analyze and breakdown some of the promotional material HBO has released, during the past few weeks, regarding True Blood,  in hopes of getting a better idea of what to expect during the show’s upcoming season.  (Special thanks to my blogging pal / fellow TB fan / staunch Seric lover, Cherie, over at Spidey Sense, for coming up with the idea for this post.  So, if you don’t like it, BLAME HER!  Just kidding!)

I hope you guys are hungry!  Because we are about to BITE in to some SERIOUSLY juicy True Blood tidbits!

THE SOURCE

As most fans will tell you, each season of True Blood is, more or less, based on a book in the Southern Vampire Mysteries series.  Given that pattern, Season 4 should predominately follow the general plot outline of Book 4 in that series, which, appropriately, is entitled Dead to the World.  Without giving too much away . . . (SPOILER ALERT, SPOILER ALERT, SPOILER ALERT) . . . the main plotpoints of that book were as follows:

(1) The arrival of a nefarious witch coven, led by the super spooky Hallow, in Bon Temps, which led to a tentative alliance formed between the vampires and werewolves in the area to defeat that coven.

(2) Eric’s amnesia, as a result of a spell placed on him by the aforementioned coven, and how that amnesia affects his relationship with one Sookie Stackhouse.  (Hint: SHOWER SEX IS INVOLVED!)

and . . .

(3) Jason Stackhouse’s kidnapping by those wackadoo werepanthers from Crystal Norris’ trailer trash town of Hotshot.

THE NEWBIES

Since, True Blood is never shy about killing off a good portion of their cast each year, every new season of True Blood will inevitably bring along with it, the addition of some . . . for lack of a better term . . . fresh blood.  And Season 4 of True Blood will be no different.  Below is a quick look at the newbies scheduled to spend this summer in Bon Temps . . .

Fiona Shaw, as Marnie “Hallow” Stonebrook

Harry Potter fans will undoubtedly remember Fiona Shaw for her portrayal of Harry’s prickly Aunt Petunia.  But in TB world she is Marnie, an unassuming, not particularly talented, palm reader, who may or may not, as a result of a bewitching possession, end up being this season’s BIG BAD . . .

Alex Breckinridge, as Daisy

Joining Marnie’s coven will be a young witch named Daisy, who is shown in one of the trailers below (I think) getting all teary eyed in front of Vampire Bill.  Daisy will be played by Alexander Breckenridge.  Many of you might recognize Alex from her role as Willa in the FX series Dirt.  However, as a Dawson’s Creek fan, I will always remember Alex as The Girl Who Kissed Dawson Leery And Then Puked, in a Fabulous Season 3 episode (particularly if you were a Pacey and Joey fan) entitled “The Valentine’s Day Massacre.”

Courtney Ford, as Portia Bellefleur

As Andy Bellefleur’s younger sister, an attorney who briefly dated Bill Compton until [SPOILER ALERT: The two found out they were distantly related], Portia Bellefleur has always been a consistent, if not necessarily important, character in the Sookie Stackhouse book series.  However, judging by some of the hot and heavy scenes her character seems to be enjoying in the promos, with Stephen Moyer’s Vampire Bill, something tells me the character’s role in the television series is going to be a bit larger than originally anticipated.

Portia will be played by Courtney Ford, who Vampire Diaries fans might remember as the Girl Who Shot Damon in the Backside with an Arrow, resulting in THIS fun little image . . .

Janina Gavankar, as Luna

Speaking of Love Interests, Sam Merlotte hasn’t exactly had much luck in that department, during True Blood’s first two seasons.  However, that may change when school teacher / fellow shifter Luna (a werebat in the book series) flies into town.  Fans of the Showtime series The L Word might remember Gavankar (who will play Luna) as promiscous lesbian, Papi.  And we all know how much Sam loves his promiscuous women! 

Will there be some Hot Doggy Style Sex in Sam’s future?  Only time will tell!

Vedette Lim as Naomi

Press releases gave us very little in the way of intel on this new character, except to say that she’s a tough-as-nails cage fighter, who ends up getting hot and heavy with her female opponent.  And we all know how much True Blood adores its hard core violent sex scenes with homosexual undertones!  You GO, Naomi!

Speaking of homosexual undertones, guess who just got bumped up to series regular?

Jessica Tuck, as Nan Flanagan

This no-nonsense spokesperson of the American Vampire League was perhaps best known last season for (1) eating out a lady in the backseat of her limo; and (2) sending a SWAT team full of guys dressed like extras from The Matrix to swarm Fangtasia.  And now we will get to see a lot more of her, I guess.  Could she become a possible love interest for Vampire Pam?  It’s certainly possible!

Also returning to Bon Temps this season will be the following relative newcomers: Lauren Bowles, as witchy waitress, Holly Cleary . . .

 . . . Kevin Alejandro, as Lafayette’s voodoo loving beau, Jesus . . .

. . . and Allan Hyde, as the Vampire Who Just Doesn’t Seem to Die, No Matter How Many Times He “Meets the Sun,” Godric (then again, maybe this will just be another flashback . . .)

That’s right Godric, KEEP THAT SHIRT OFF, and you will fit in just fine here!

THE PROMOTIONAL ONE-SHOTS

Last year, in order to promote the show’s upcoming season, the producers of True Blood released a series of three-to-five minute long character-centric minisodes.  These short videos promised to tease what was in store for each of the series’ main characters, during the season.  Of course, in hindsight, while these videos were amusing (some, admittedly, more amusing than others), they actually ended up providing fans with very little, in terms of plot-line teasers. 

This year, as a part of its Waiting Sucks campaign, True Blood has once again decided to release a series of character-centric teaser videos.  Though significantly shorter in length than last year’s minisodes, these teasers are about ten times more informative than their predecessors.  Each of these 30-second shots (which feature a scene from the upcoming season, narrated by the script for that scene) contains suprisingly spoilery information about some of the season’s main plotpoints.

Let’s watch, and analyze, shall we?

(Special thanks to TrueBloodItalia, for providing these fabulous videos for our viewing pleasure.)

Bill and Eric – “New Coven in Town”

In Dead to the World, Eric’s amnesia is revealed within the first few pages of the story.  Apparently, True Blood has decided to start the season off a bit earlier in the timeline than that.  The above scene, I’m assuming, takes place fairly early on in Season 4, possibly in the first episode. 

In it, a clearly not-yet-amnesiac Eric, and Victim of a Ridiculously Bad Haircut Bill discuss the ramifications of a witch coven arriving in Bon Temps.  Never before have we seen Eric Northman this concerned about the arrival of another supernatural creature in his Area.  And, if the rest of the promotional videos are any indication, he is right to be worried . . .

Eric (and Sookie) – “Where am I? Who am I?  (and where are my clothes?)”

Knowing that Eric is meant to have amnesia in this scene, it is interesting to compare it to the one we just watched, above.  Alexander Skarsgard’s temperment has completely changed here.  Gone is the cocky confidence,dark sense of humor, all-knowing stare, and ferocious, “kill first, ask questions later” mentality that we have come to associate with the Sheriff of Area Five.  THIS Eric Northman looks more innocent, less sure of himself, more naive, and, dare I say it, MUCH younger than the one we’ve come to know and love, over the past three seasons of True Blood

In short, Mommy Likes this New Amnesia Eric . . . very much!

(Minor gripe:  In the book series, Sookie is driving home from work when she finds a NAKED Eric, running toward her home, clad in only his socks.  If you notice in this season, Eric is wearing . . . pants.   WHY, ALAN BALL, WHY?)

Pam, Tara, Lafayette, and Marnie – “Fix My Man”

This scene obviously takes place AFTER Pam has learned that Eric has amnesia.  She is clearly calling upon new witch Marnie to help her “FIX” her Maker, and return him to his former self.  The problem, of course, is that Marnie (or the thing possessing her) may have actually been the one to CAUSE the amnesia, in the first place.  And, therefore, asking HER for help, may not exactly be the wisest move Vampire Pam has ever made. 

The end of the scene, in which “Marnie” literally stops Pam in her tracks, and lets out an unearthly cackle, is particularly creepy.   Speaking of creepy . . .

Arlene, Terry, and the Demon Baby?

I’ll be perfectly honest.  Last season, I had absolutely NO interest in asshat Arlene, or her, “I may have been impregnated by my Dead Serial Killer Husband” storyline.  That being said, THIS PROMO genuinely gave me chills.  There is nothing I find more frightening then scary supernatural freaky kids.  I

 suspect that Arlene’s demon baby will join a long line of pre-pubescents that scare the stuffing out of me, including, but not limited to:  that chick from The Ring, the kids from The Grudge, all the Children of the Corn, those blonde tots from Village of the Damned, Rosemary’s Baby, the Omen kid, the kid from The Shining, Dakota Fanning’s character in Hide and Seek, and the list just goes on and on . .  .

You know who else is frightening me, lately?

Stepford Trash Wife Crystal and Bondage Jason

Oh, sweet, dumb, Jason!  I have a secret:  I never really liked your girlfriend!  To be honest, I just couldn’t figure out what it was exactly you saw in the plain-looking, not particularly charming, Crystal Norris. 

I suspect there was a part of you, who, after having countless girlfriends of yours DIE UNTIMELY DEATHS, wanted to date someone you could rescue, and actually keep alive, for a change.  Perhaps, Crystal, a werepanther, born and raised in an incestuous, crystal meth-producing, trailer park, seemed like just the girl you could save.

Except, now it looks like she’s tied you to a bed post, is rocking some REALLY unattractive curlers, and is getting all her werepanther friends to torture you and bite you, until you are “REBORN” as “ONE OF THEM.”  See,  Jason, you should have dated a TV Recapper, instead!  We are MUCH safer (and just a little bit less insane)!

Come on over to my place, Jason!  It’s not too late!

Speaking of Potentially Very Happy Couples . . .

Hoyt and Jessica – “I Pity the FOOL who messes with Hoyt’s girlfriend!”

Last season, Hoyt and Jessica experienced a happy reunion, after Hoyt finally forgave his girlfriend for trying to eat his mom.  But just because the pair are happy together, doesn’t mean everybody in Bon Temps is particularly happy for them!  Of course, this is far from the first time, Jessica has suffered the slings and arrows of vampiric racism at the hands of strangers.  However, this IS the first time that racism has been extended to include her human boyfriend, Hoyt. 

Under the circumstances, I’d say he handled it quite well, don’t you? 🙂  In other Relationship News . . .

Sam and Luna (Surprise!  She has a crazy, abusive ex!)

Awww, man!  Do we really have to suffer through another Crazy Ex Storyline, again?  No wonder Bon Temps is so incestuous!  There’s onlyabout five or six NORMAL/ non-psychotic people to date there!

TWO SEXY TRAILERS!

In addition to all the juiciness illustrated above, HBO has also released not one, but TWO, new trailers for the upcoming season.  Admittedly, one is less informative, but (decisively more NAKED) than the second.  The other, in my opinion, gives us a bit more to work with, in terms of plot details.  Ready to investigate?  Let’s start sleuthing . . .

Trailer Number One – So Much Shirtlessness, So Little Time

After I got over the giddy glee of realizing just how much HOT NAKED MALE SKIN was featured in this brief, 39-second trailer, I was shocked to realize just how LITTLE information this trailer provided, in terms of actual Season 4 plotpoints.  I mean, think about it, all we got in the first ten seconds was a series of Scared “Good Guy” Faces . . .

For starters, here is Running Scared (but Shirtless, YAY!) Jason Stackhouse . . .

I can’t really tell whether this shot comes BEFORE his werepanther kidnapping, or after.   On one hand, Jason definitely looks STRONGER and more able-bodied than he appears in later parts of the trailer, leading me to believe he HASN’T been “infected” yet. 

On the other hand, if you look closely, Jason definitely has a big bloody bite mark on his stomach, leading me to believe either (1) he has already been bitten once, but has not been captured yet; (2) his transformation is complete, and, now healing from his bites, he has finally managed to escape his captors.  Since, I doubt, True Blood would want to spoil Jason’s triumphant ESCAPE from Hotshot so early in the series, I’m going to put my money on the former . . .

Speaking of Scared Good Guys, here’s Sam Merlotte . . .

I’ll be the first to admit that this is a pretty useless screenshot.  I’m only including it because of the cheesy Halloween decoration hanging over Sam’s head.  Am I to assume that this season DOESN’T take place during the summer (as previous seasons have), but, rather, occcurs during the fall and winter months?  Or is Sam just EXTREMELY lazy about taking down his holiday decorations . . .

:11-13 of the trailer contrast the Scared “Good Guy” Faces we saw earlier, with some equally useless, and generic, Angry Vampire Faces.  We have a probably pre-amnesiac Eric, a 1920’s costumed Queen Sophie Ann, and a very bizarre looking, Billy Idol-esque Vampire Bill.

80’s flashback, I presume?

At the :15 mark, our patience is rewarded with a nice shot of a Fresh-Out-of the Shower Sookie being ogled by a very turned on (and, most likely pre-amesiac Eric).  “Is this another dream?”  Sookie wonders dazedly. 

No Sookie.  Eric’s desire to separate you from that pesky towel of yours, and have his way with you, right on your Grandma’s old couch, is very real . . .

 

“Yowsa!  Those are some huge melons you’ve got there!”

We follow this up with another five seconds of random, uninformative, Fangtasia shots, one of a Very Happy, Dancey, Vampire Jess . . .

 . . . another of a fierce Pam . . .

(I suspect both of these are from the same episode, as the one-shot featuring Pam and Jess, above.)

 . . . and a third of Shooty Tara . . .

“I am in a very bad mood.  (SURPRISE!)”

My FAVORITE scene in the trailer doesn’t arrive until the 20-second mark, in which we see a shirtless, post-amnesiac, Eric looking at Sookie intently, and moving in for a kiss, one she seems more than willing to accept!

SQUEE!  *Does Happy Dance*

At 21 seconds, Vampire Bill can be found threatening a woman, who I initially thought was Queen Sophie Ann.  However, on second viewing, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is Alex Breckenridge’s witch, Daisy.  Hmmm . . . I wonder what “Big Mistake” she is making, according to Vampire Bill.  (Perhaps, SHE’S the one that gave him that awful haircut!)

“What do you want from me?  I got my Beauty School Degree online!”

Things start to get intense at 22 seconds, when we see Pam toss a purple shirted SOMEONE into the same Vampire Dungeon she used to hold Lafayette captive, during Season 2 . . .

Who dat?

We are also treated to a shot of a clearly, worse for WERE (Get it?), infected, and mustachioed(?) Jason.  In the scene, he is wearing a very ugly flannel shirt (boo!), and, presumably, trying to escape captivity in Hotshot . . .

My second favorite trailer clip arrives at the 25-second mark, when Sookie tells her half-naked growling pal, Alcide, to “Stop making that NOISE!”

Making sex noises in public is SO inappropriate . . . even in a slutty town like Bon Temps

That exercise in awesomeness is followed up by a Party Crasher Pre-Amnesiac Eric, making a VERY grand entrance at a coven meeting, one which may or may not be taking place at Lafayette’s house.

“I have ARRIVED!  (Anyone have six hours to spare for the best sexual experience of your human existence?)”

Speaking of sex (aren’t I always?)  check out Tied to the Bedpost, Bondage Jason, screaming his head off at the 27-second mark  . . .

“Why do I feel like I’ve been in this situation before?”

“Ohhhh . . .”

And because no True Blood trailer is complete without some good old-fashioned necking . . .

Way to go, SAM!

Check that off your list!

Uh oh!  Cheesy Fake CGI Werepanther ALERT, at the 30-second mark!

 

I think I’ll name it Fluffy .  . . or maybe Oreo.

We end the trailer with three quick-fire images of people beating the crap out of other people.  There’s Queen Sophie beating up Vampire Bill, in his own house . . . at least, I think it’s his house . . .

We’ve got Hoyt beating up that racist outside Fangtasia (from the episode clip we watched earlier).  And, finally, there’s SOOKIE PUNCHING AMNESIA ERIC?

Man!  Even the vampires end up in abusive relationships, on this show!”

“You’ll heal in five minutes.  You’re a vampire,” scolds Sookie boredly, when Eric questions her violent actions in the seconds moments of the trailer.  (Isn’t that what ALL the abusers say?)

Trailer Two – Witches versus Vamps (versus Weres?)

Though this second trailer is roughly the same length as the first, I found it to be a bit more telling, in terms of actual plot analysis.  Watch here, and see what I mean . . .

Right off the bat, we are treated to a shot of Sookie, nervously examining the rearview mirror in her car. 

At first, I assumed that THIS would be the scene where Sookie would find Amnesia Eric.  But then that THING attacked Sookie from the window of her car  . . .

(Why the heck does she drive with her window open?  Doesn’t she know where she LIVES, and what show she’s on?)

So, I figured out that I might be mistaken . . .

Given that the trailer opens with Sookie being, ONCE AGAIN, in danger, it is interesting that this scene is paired with Pam’s seemingly prophetic admonission that Sookie, “need[s] to be somebody’s . . . or [she] won’t BE.”

Woah, Pam!  Ease up on that red lipstick, next time.  Mmm Kay?

I also liked how Pam’s not-so-subtle suggestion that Sookie choose between her two vampire suitors, and choose FAST, is juxtaposed by images of BOTH suitors making a play for Sookie’s affections, in her home.  We’ve got Bill (zzzzzzzzz) . . .

“Miss Sookie, might I interest you in a rousing game of Chess?”

 . . . and then Eric (YAY!) . . .

“Miss Sookie, might I interest you in a rousing game of AMAZING SEX?”

During the trailer, when Sookie asked Eric what he wanted from her . . . and he looked deeply into her eyes and said, with all seriousness, “Everything,” I may or may not have melted into a little puddle in my chair . . .

We then get a generic image of Witchy Spell Stuff.  And, through this, we meet our new coven . . .

Notable members of this coven include, the soon-to-be-evil, Marnie . . .

 .  . . Holly . . .

 . . . Daisy (who we met talking to Bill in the other trailer), and, interestingly enough, Lafayette and Jesus . . .

“Et tu, Laf-e?”

I cringed a little bit at the hot, but, icky (because of what I know about their lineage) sex scene between Bill and Portia . . .  (I really don’t recall those two ever going that far with one another,  in the books.  But, hey!  That’s HBO, for you!)

“Well, I’d say it’s a really good thing vampires can’t procreate.  Wouldn’t you?  Otherwise, our baby would probably have three heads . . . or be like ARLENE’S”

We get a little humor (and some interesting spoilers), in the next few scenes.  During THEM, we learn that (1) the witch coven needs a dead body to complete one of its more complicated spells; and (2) witches have the power control vampires.

“Where the hell are we going to get a dead body?”  Lafayette inquires.

Given all that, Eric’s Party Crasher Scene from the first trailer, makes a whole lot more sense, in context, doesn’t it?

Like the above image, a lot of the ones that followed in this trailer, were ones we had already seen in the FIRST trailer.  That being said, I was intrigued by THIS image, of Tara going bat-sh*t on some Poor Unfortunate Soul . . .

Oh, Tara, who are you beating up THIS TIME?

Texting 911, as we speak . . .

. . . a second shot of the Billy Idol-like Flashback Vampire Bill . . .

. . . and an intriguing shot of Vampire Eric attacking Marnie.  (Could this be what prompted her to cast the spell on him?)

As with the first trailer, this one ends with a unique touch of Sookie’s Dry Meta Humor:  “Oh, GREAT!  Now, I have to deal with witches?”  She whines, as a decidedly naked (Alcide or Eric?) stands protectively behind her . . .

(My dear, naive, Sookie!  With an Amnesiac Eric Northman as your new vampire roommate, something tells me witches will be the least of your problems!)

And, there you have it, folks: a handful of new cast members, a slew of promotional one-shots, and two awesome trailers.  Not bad for a day’s blogging, right?

Thirsty for more?  Be sure to tune into HBO on June 26th at 9 p.m. for the season premiere of True Blood.  But, until then . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

23 Comments

Filed under Spoilers and Sneak Peaks, True Blood