What’s hiding under YOUR hood? – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars “CTRL A”

“Now, what date would be so important to Caleb that it would merit an explanation point . . . I wonder . . .”

“OHHHH!”

Greetings, my Pretties!  This week on PLL, a lame secret was revealed, computers were remotely hacked,  a deal was struck, a crisis was averted, and a single doobie, once again, possessed the power to ruin an entire relationship.  (Don’t do drugs, kiddies!)  So, fire up your laptops, and smoke ’em if you’ve got ’em, because it’s time to  “CTRL A” . . .

Swimming with Sharks

Thanks to shopaholic blackmailer / hacker Mona, Emily Fields is back in the pool.  This, of course, is great news for Emily and her swim team, but, perhaps, not such great news for her lady love, Maya, who’s starting to feel a wee bit left out of the fun.

“This is super uncomfortable.  I could really go for a joint, right about now .  . .”

Elsewhere, Techno Boy Toy Caleb finds himself in some hot water, when the police impound his laptop, on suspicion of it containing stolen school files on it.  You know, like the ones Mona accessed from the principal’s office, last week.  Golly gee, this wouldn’t have anything to do with the time Caleb fell asleep at school, and, like a moron, left his laptop out in the open, and ripe for the taking, now would it?  A smug and unfazed Caleb calmly proclaims his innocence, confident that no hack Police Boy is going to be able to crack the enigma that is his computer.

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Girlfriend, Hanna, however, is FRACKING FREAKING OUT.  She’s been through this with “A” and the Rosewood PD many times before.  And she knows that, as good as Caleb might be with computer hacking, “A” might just be a teeny tiny bit better . . .

Caleb tries to calm Hanna down, while simultaneously turning her on, by using sexy computer lingo like HOTSPOT, INTERFACING, and FIREWALL.

And though titilated by her boyfriend’s Dirty Nerd Talk, Hanna wishes to get down to business . . . and not in a fun way either.  Instantly suspecting that “A” has compromised Caleb’s harddrive by hiding incriminating material on it without Caleb’s knowledge, Hanna suggests he remotely hack the laptop, and erase the files in question, before the Useless Rosewood PD can find them.

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Caleb agrees, and some intimate discussions regarding Caleb’s computer passwords and logins ensue.  Unfortunately, however, Caleb can’t successfully hack his computer, while the police are keeping it offline.  Inconvenienced, but not defeated, Caleb decides to explore Hanna’s hotspots, instead . . .

The first rule of Fight Club, is don’t have a heart attack while in Fight Club . . .

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Some secrets are better kept as secrets, because the mystery is sexier than the reality.  Beard Boy Holden’s secret is definitely one of those secrets.  Like Lucas and his “big bad bookie problem,” before him, Holden joins the ranks of characters on PLL who’s plotlines ended up being MAJOR letdowns.  That’s right, my Pretties.  After all our jokes about Holden having bruises on his stomach, because he’s in Fight club, that’s exactly what he ended up being in.  Except, rather than being in an edgy, get-your-teeth-knocked-out-by-Ed-Norton-who-thinks-he’s-Brad-Pitt kind of Fight Club, Holden’s fight club looks a lot like your six-year old nephew’s karate class . . .

“Can we celebrate my victory with a McDonalds Happy Meal?” 

Relieved that her fake boyfriend isn’t the Drug Lord she suspected he was, Aria agrees to keep her fake date with him in Philly that night.  This way, Holden can attend his snoozeville super important fighting tournament, and Aria can eat French Vegan food with Fitzy, while the two discuss “their future.”

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Will everyone’s favorite English Teacher take Byron’s bait, thereby allowing himself to be shipped away to the land of Mardi Gras, and ladies who take their shirts off for plastic 50-cent necklaces?

Only time will tell . . .

Prior to her fake date, Aria’s mom not-so-subtly suggests that Aria should stop dating Beard Boy in Philly, and start boning her family friend closer to home.  This way, if the rough sex results in him collapsing from his heart condition, he can be cared for by Dr. Wren a.k.a. the-Only-Doctor-in-Rosewood, as opposed to those not-model-looking doctors in the City of Brotherly Love.

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“What?  Holden has a heart condition?”  Aria asks incredulously.

“Why yes, dear daughter.   I figured you would already know that, considering how you are out porking him for hours at a time, three or four times a week,” replies Aria’s mom, more or less.

“Oh yeah,  you’re right.  I totally knew about Holden’s lethal disease!  I was just kidding, Mom.  Haha!  Boy, I sure, got you!” Aria says.

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Meanwhile, Byron has just received a note on his car from “A,” offering him the location of Aria’s REAL date with Fitzy.

 

Am I the only one starting to get a strong sense of deja-vu, here?  Silly “A.”   For whatever reason, she never seems quite as creative when she’s messing with Aria, than when she’s messing with the other PLL girls.  I wonder why that is . . .

Instead of heading off to meet Fitzy, Aria follows Beard Boy to Fight Club.  “So, Holden, what’s this I hear about you joining Fight Club, when you have an exploding timebomb in your chest?”  Aria inquires.

“This isn’t just because we all thought you were gay, is it?” 

Holden makes a nice speech about living life to its fullest,  and about how people don’t always know what’s best for you.  This, of course, makes Aria think of her relationship to Fitzy . . . as most things do.  But, ultimately,  she decides to ditch out on Fitzy, so that she can watch Holden in Fight Club . . . you know, just to make sure he doesn’t . .  . like . . . die in stuff (which would TOTALLY ruin this nice Fake Date thing they have going on).

Aria cancels on Fitzy by text, without explanation, which, of course, is super inconsiderate.

But when Fitzy arrives at the site of their date and sees Papa Byron seated at one of the tables, he’s suddenly a lot less pissed, and a lot more relieved not to have walked into that lions den.

After Holden wins at Fight Club, Aria heads to congratulate him.  And suddenly Holden is looking a wee bit smitten with our littlest PLL girl.  (Ruh-roh, Fitzy!  I suggest you start practicing your moves, because there might just be a little Fight Club for Aria’s heart headed in your direction . . .)

Papa Byron phones Aria, and tries to slip her up, by asking to speak to Beard Boy.  So, of course, Aria calls his bluff by promptly  putting him on the phone, something she would never have been able to do, had she decided to leave Holden to die in Fight Club.  Well played, Miss Montgomery!

What am I going to doobie?

There is trouble lurking in paradise between Emily and Maya.  First we see Maya randomly hanging out with Facelift Vampire Jason, bringing the total number of major “A” suspects and NAT club members with whom the supposedly “loner” Maya associates to two.  To make matters worse, the big green monster of jealousy is clearly eating at Maya, during Emily’s swim team party, where her swim phenom girlfriend is the center of attention, while Maya is left alone holding the doobie.

“I have a confession to make.   I ate all your blue swim team cookies.  I couldn’t help it.  I have a serious case of the munchies.” 

That’s right, my Pretties, Maya confesses to Emily that her parents might have found an old “toke-n” of Maya’s affection in her bedroom.  Wow, these dirty hippies must REALLY not like pot, because they threaten to send her back to druggie camp AGAIN!

As it turns out, Maya was a bit coy with Emily about how exactly old that doobie was.  Emily assumed she meant “months,” but Maya actually meant “minutes.” 😉  Emily’s super pissed at Maya for not being honest with her.  And Maya is pissed at Emily for being more popular than she is, and for not wanting to run away to San Francisco with her, where the pair can smoke all the ganja they want.

I don’t know, my Pretties.  Something about Maya’s story stinks a bit to me, and it’s not just the pot I’m smelling . . .  I’d feel better about it being true, if we actually got to meet Maya’s supposedly crazy parents.  Your move, writers.

Oh bastard half-brother, where art thou?

Early on in the episode, the PLL girls get to meet Vivian Darkbloom’s “friend” Jonah, a cell phone geek, who she offered $2,000 to hack into phone records and find out who was sending threatening texts to her “friend” Alison.

The only average looking male in Rosewood . . .

(Of course, if “A” was using prepaid phones paid for with cash  . . . as evidence suggests that she is . . . that really wouldn’t help much, now would it, Jonah.)  Jonah’s uber pissed at Vivian, because doing this little task for the Rosewood Lolita cost him his job.  And then, to make matters worse, she never paid up . . . you know . . . because of the whole “dying” thing.

The rest of the girls want to pay Jonah, and immediately turn to moneybags Spencer for the dough.  The problem, of course, is that Spencer hasn’t exactly been on speaking terms with her parents, as a result of the whole “Facelift Vampire Jason is my half-brother” thing.  In fact, she’s spent the entire week hiding out at Aria’s house . . .

Spencer has been on speaking terms with Facelift Vampire Jason, though.  These two really do have an interesting dynamic with one another.  And by “interesting” I mean “slightly incestuous.”  Facelift Vampire Jason notes that Ali had $15,000 along with love letters between Spencer’s dad and Ali’s and Jason’s mom, in a box she kept under the floorboards.  This was how Jason found out about his paternity.  It’s also what led him to believe that Ali might have been blackmailing Spencer’s dad, in exchange for keeping quiet about what she knew.

“So, if you and I hooked up, what do you think would be the likelihood that our children were born with a tail, or three arms?” 

Hoping to snag the $2,000 she needs to pay off Jonah for the answer to the question of “Who was calling Alison, and, by extension, probably calling the girls as well,” Spencer heads back home for the first time, in a week.  Briefly mesmerized by her dad’s open checkbook in his briefcase, Spencer contemplates a little Grand Theft Checky.  But she quickly abandons the idea, when her father nearly walks in on her stealing it.

 

Spencer finally confronts her father about what she knows.  And he, more or less comes clean about everything that happened.  He swears, however, that he was never blackmailed by Alison.  And Spencer believes him.

“You are SO grounded, Mister!” 

The question is, who was blackmailed by Alison?  Was it Spencer’s mother, hoping to save the family?  Was it the members of the NAT club  (sans Jason), because of the tapes she had on all of them?  Or was it someone else entirely?

Facelift Vampire Jason still wants to believe it’s Papa Hastings, because that would make it easier to hate him.  But toward the end of the episode, Spencer finally opens his eyes to new possibilities .  . . and hits him up for that $2,000, of course.

On computer hacking, and sex in tents . . .

Caleb  isn’t the only one in hot water with the police.  Deputy Douchey finds more ammunition for torturing the PLL girls when a page of Ali’s autopsy winds up missing from EVERYWHERE, and the hospital security cameras turn up a picture of Hanna, Spencer, and Emily clad in candy striper outfits outside the morgue on the day of the theft.

Wait a second . . . shouldn’t it have been Hanna, Spencer and Aria?  Wasn’t Emily in the hospital as a patient at the time?

This is either an inconsistency on the writers part, or a fairly big hint that “A” is someone with not nearly as big of a grudge against Aria, as against the other three girls.  Could “A” have doctored this photograph?  Or am I just overthinking things?  What are your thoughts, my Pretties?

Anywhoo, following Hanna’s own encounter with Deputy Douchey (I guess he only called Hanna in, because he thought he might have another chance to screw her om), Caleb telephones her to let her know that he’s in a “Hot Spot” and needs her help.  There go those sexy computer terms again!

Apparently, Deputy Douchey and Police Boy have wised up, and are forcing Caleb to cooperate, by making him enter his own password into the computer for them.  The bad news about that, is now the cops will have access to whatever incriminating files “A” put on his hard drive (not to mention that “A” related files that are actually there).  The good news, however, is that now Caleb’s online a.k.a, in a hotspot.

Hanna calls “Smart Friend” Spencer over to help with the computer hacking festivities.  Spencer manages to get remote access to Caleb’s computer.  But it’s up to Hanna to input the password.  Hanna is explains to Spencer Caleb’s rationale for the letters he uses in his password.   Spencer is impressed, and more than a little bit turned on.  “That’s almost as complex as my computer password.”  ALMOST . . . ha . . . gotta love Spencer!

Hanna runs into a problem, however, when she can’t figure out the last four numbers of Caleb’s code, followed by the exclamation point.  And she only has three tries to get it right, or be locked out of Caleb’s computer FOREVER!  Spencer ultimately suggests that the numbers probably represent a date that was particularly important to  Caleb . . . a date that merits an exclamation point.

Suddenly, Hanna knows exactly what those last four digits are.  And they are in!

Hanna immediately finds the incriminating files located in a folder input on Caleb’s harddrive entitled “Hefty,” for “Hefty Hanna.”

“B*tch!” Hanna exclaims, over how “A” has managed to insult her, even in her hacking of Caleb’s computer.

Over at the police station, we see that Deputy Douchey has located the “Hefty” file too.  (Remember, he KNEW Hanna, back in the day. ;))  Now, it’s a race to see who can get to them first.  Hilarity ensues, when Hanna tries to delete each individual file, and finds that the process is taking too long.  “CTRL A” Spencer exclaims.

“That’s what I’m trying to do .  . . CONTROL A,” Hanna exclaims frustratedly.

But of course, Spencer’s talking about the keys, not the person . . .

In a moment of televised brilliance, Hanna manages to erase the files moments before Deputy Douchey can open any.  They disappear before his beady little eyes, and he’s completely flabbergasted.

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By the time Caleb leaves the station with his laptop, a happy Hanna is there to shower him with celebratory PDA.  Hanna has earned major points for saving Caleb’s ass.  And Caleb has earned major points for immortalizing the day he took Hanna’s virginity in his computer password.  Something tells me there’s going to be some major nookie going on in the Marin household tonight . . .

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In the final scene of the episode, we see Emily calling Maya to apologize for their fight, while SOMEONE watches Emily from her window.  Creepy!

Next week on PLL, Spencer SEDUCES WRENNNNNNN!

Oh, and I guess some other stuff happens too . . .

See you then, my Pretties!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Snitches, and Phonies, and Liars (Oh my!) – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “The Naked Truth”

Greetings, my Pretties!   And Happy Truth Up Day!  Considering how, most PLL episodes revolve around the lies various characters tell, and the secrets they keep, I thought it was kind of fitting to have an episode that focused on truth, for a change.  “The Naked Truth” was all about characters stripping down, spilling their guts, and coming clean.  So, open up your blacklight pen, and power up your photo shop, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

Change your attitude . . . Change your coat

Don’t you just hate it when someone uses your phone to take a naked picture of themselves someone else, and then sends that picture to the ENTIRE SCHOOL?

Maybe not . . . 

Our episode begins in the Principal’s Office, where Hanna and her mother are facing child pornography trafficking charges.  And yet our favorite blonde still can’t be bothered to put her cell phone on vibrate.  Awk-warrrrrd  . . .

*cell phone begins to play “Sexy and I Know It” by LMFAO*

HANNA and KATE: (in unison) “That’s not mine.”

PRINCIPAL: “Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle YEAH!” 

Want even more awkward?  How about the fact that everyone in this room answers to the same last name?

Anywhoo . . . Evil Stepmonster Mommy thinks Hanna should be expelled for sending the nudie shot, in question, which, of course, Hanna denies taking, in the first place.  Through it all, Evil Stepsister Kate sits in silence crying crocodile tears, and wondering whether the principal is picturing her naked, while he’s talking to her.  (Yes, Kate.  He absolutely is!)

“I’ve already printed out a copy for my wallet!” 

Rather than expel Hanna for a crime she swears she didn’t commit, Mr. Principal decides instead that the two girls should air out their own differences, while in the same group at the school sponsored lock-in type event, “Truth Up Day.”

Meanwhile, back at Spencer’s house, the rest of the PLL girls are very confused about the Pretty Little Red Peacoat they retrieved using Ali’s old storage claim tag, under the pseudonym Vivian Darkbloom.

ARIA: “It’s only one color . . . and doesn’t come with any loud patterns.   Lame!”

SPENCER: “Where’s the matching hat?  I need my matching hat!”

EMILY: “I bet Maya would think I looked hot in that jacket . . .” 

Emily seems unusually tense about the whole situation.  “I feel like we are in a bad place,” she warns.

Spencer, of course, is having none of that.  “We are in my living room, Emily.  We are holding a coat,” she retorts . . .

Game, set, match, for Spencer, on that one . . .

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Since the peacoat in question is not really Ali’s style, the girls suspect that Ali used it to perpetuate her Vivian Darkbloom identity, in hopes of bringing down “A,” once and for all.

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While fondling the dead girl’s coat, the girls notice a slip of paper containing a telephone number, in one of the pockets.

“Who the heck writes down  telephone numbers, anymore?  That’s what cell phones are for!  Silly, Vivian Darkbloom!” 

The girls promptly dial the number, and leave a message, claiming to be “friends of Vivian’s,” which, isn’t a lie . . . at least, not exactly  . . .

From Boil-n-Baggies to Bags of Pills to Bad Intentions . . .

At school, everyone is looking at Hanna like she’s a TOTAL PERV!

Meanwhile, Emily is SUPER pissed at the principal, for keeping her off the swim team, based solely on that whole, the “PLL Girls Touched the Ali Murder Shovel” thing .  . .  Also at school,  Holden should really learn to keep his school bag closed, especially, if that’s where he wants to hide his drugs.

“Oh, hello there, Holden’s Drugs.  Fancy meeting you here!” 

“Doh!” 

“It only works, if you pull on the end,” says Holden to Aria, as the two tug on opposite ends of a ream of paper.  And my mind immediately goes to dirty places . . .

A few feet away, someone trips over Holden’s bag, sending the telltale pill bag flying out into the open.   “Oh Hol-den!  You have some ‘splaining to do!”

Upon seeing the pills, Aria gets that look on her face, that actresses tend to reserve for Lifetime Movies and After School Specials . . .

*insert dramatic, Drugs are BAAAAAAD, music here*

Meanwhile, Blind Jenna is canoodling with Bushy Eyebrows Noel  . . .

Please excuse me for a moment, while I go hurl . . . 

OK . . . I’m back now. 

Then, Spencer runs into Facelift Vampire Jason at the school, you know because he’s a diddler of teenagers “mentor” and stuff.   He tells Spencer that she should give her dad a “message” that he’s been awaiting his call.  But Facelift Vampire Jason says “message” like most of us would say threatening, scary things like, “knife through the throat,” “bullet wound to the head,” and, in Facelift Vampire Jason’s case, “bite on the neck.”  So, you really can’t blame Spencer for being a bit concerned, on her father’s behalf, douchey as said father might be . . .

“I want to suck your blood, chew off your face, and give your father a ‘message.'”

“Oh no!  Not a ‘message’ . . . anything but that!”

Then, Aria’s mom comes by to beg Facelift Vampire Jason to be a chaperone at Truth Up Day.  (Because that’s just what high schools need at their sleepover events, more bloodsucking vampire chaperones!)

That’s Aria’s mom, doing her best vampire impression . . . 

At first, Facelift Vampire Jason says “no dice.”  It’s really hard to suck on teenagers, with all those pesky chaperones around.  But when Aria’s mom casually notes that Spencer’s parents might be there, he promptly changes his mind.  Hey, maybe he will get the chance to deliver his “message” after all!

At Hanna’s house, Hanna’s mom confronts her about the whole pervy child porn picture thing. She reminds Hanna that she would crush anyone who tried to hurt her daughter.  But she needs to know who’s during the “hurting,” before she can start doing the “crushing.”

“I’ll give her a ‘message’ she’ll never forget.” 

Hanna looks genuinely distraught, but flawlessly so.  (As an ugly crier myself, I’m always seriously jealous of those people with a talent for “pretty crying.”  And Hanna is a Gorgeous Crier.)

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Hanna wants her mother to know that she didn’t do this totally awful thing.  Yet, if she spills the beans about “A,” she will be potentially putting yet another person she loves in danger.  And she definitely doesn’t want to do that.  So, instead, she continues to suffer in silence . . .

“Why not just skip the step, and jump out the window?”

Awkwardness abounds, as the students arrive at Rosewood, armed with sleeping bags, and cellphones that have been forcibly turned off.  A misty chill hangs in the air between Aria and Holden, now that Aria thinks Holden is a High School Drug Lord.  Glares are exchanged between Hanna and Evil Sister.  And Facelift Vampire Jason growls with fangy rage, when he learns that Spencer’s dad won’t be present at the event.  But, hey, at least he could deliver his “message” to Spencer’s mom!

“You and your messages better stay away from me.  I’m a lawyer!” 

Oh, an then there’s Blind Jenna creepily playing the piano in the music room.  First the flute, now the piano.  Is there any instrument in the world this girl doesn’t play?  Next, we will probably see her with a tambourine, or massive-sized harp . . .

“I guess Three Blind Mice would be an inappropriate song to request.” 

 Also in the group with Blind Jenna — and led by Spencer’s mom, and Facelift Vampire Jason — are Caleb and Aria.  It’s fun to get to see these two interact with one another, for a change.

I’d ship it, but I’m pretty sure Hanna would beat me up, if I did . . . 

Emily and Mona are in Hanna’s mom’s group.  And these two are saucy little duo.  When Mama Marin suggests the students take a step forward, if they don’t want to be “here”  . . .

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 . . .  Mona suggests this, instead . . .

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As for Emily, she decides to take multiple steps forward for every statement Mama Marin makes, because she thinks just one, is simply not enough . . .  (She’s also probably one of those girls, who always cheated at “Mother May I,” when she was a kid.  I HATED those girls.  I played “Mother May I” fair, dammit!)

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Emily’s real gripe, of course, is against the Principal for continuing to keep her off the swim team.  The fact that he happens to be there at the time, allows her to direct her dagger glare at his smug face.  “Message” sent . . . and received.

“I’m currently experiencing a pain where my heart is supposed to be.  Is this guilt, or just indigestion?” 

The Principal calls Emily over, and basically tells her she’s not on the swim team, because she’s a bad seed, sucks, and pretty much deserves everything she gets . . .  How’s that for making students feel “welcome” at their school!

“This is why, in high school horror movies, the principal always dies first.  Just sayin'” 

Mona watches this exchange from a far with interest.  You could just tell she’s cooking up a plan in that devious little mind of hers . . .

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Speaking of not feeling welcome, Aria conveniently forgets to turn off her phone, which allows her to get yet another text message from “A.”  This time, the target seems to be Aria’s “new friend.”

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So . . . who’s the friend?  Is it Beard Boy Holden, or Techno Boy Toy Caleb?  Always more questions . . .

The Blame Game

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In Hanna and Evil Stepsister Kate’s bouncy ball tossing group, Kate whines that people at her new school aren’t “nice people.”  (Yeah, Kate, because YOU’RE a real sweetheart!)  Bushy Eyebrows Noel takes opportunity to leer at Kate, and tell her how nice she looks, all “nekkid.” The Caterpillars that live above his eyeballs seem to agree . . .

The whole exchange causes Hanna to blow up, and ask her group whether they really think she’s a bully.  Ooh . . .here’s a hint, Hanna.  Don’t ask questions, if you REALLY don’t want to know their answers . . .

Fortunately, Caleb is waiting for her on the roof, with a hug, some words of encouragement, and a little tongue  . . .

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“Oh honey.  You are just too good in bed to be a bully!”

Oh, did I mention that Caleb put the smackdown on puss-faced Blind Jenna in group, after she started b*tching and complaining about how terribly SHE gets treated at school?

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It was pretty effing awesome, I’m not going to lie.  In fact, I haven’t had this much fun during a PLL episode, since Hanna slapped Jenna in the face . . .

 OK . . . so that might have seemed REALLY rude, back then.  But now we know the wench had it coming . . .

During a brief break, Emily takes the time to apologize to Mona for the way Ali used to bully her.  Mona claims she’s WAY past that “That was like, two personalities ago!” She exclaims, nonchalantly.

But the look on her face seems to suggest that Mona’s still holding on to quite a bit of baggage from her outcast days.  However, for now, she’s Emily’s greatest savior.  Why?  Because Mona happens to know that the Principal takes bribes from members of the football team, to keep them on the squad despite bad behavior.  And she’s got the mad hacker skills to prove it!

Viewers for whom Mona remains their chief “A” suspect, got a ton of clues, in their favor, this week.  For starters, she’s clearly computer savvy, as we already know “A” to be.  She has the motive of years of bullying.  And, as we heard in this episode, when Mona contacted Emily on the loud speaker, she’s pretty adept at disguising her voice, as necessary.

“Computers are my only friends . . .” 

Additionally, Mona’s previous job working in the Principals office clearly gave her access to a ton of information about all of the students of Rosewood High, most notably the PLL girls . . . not to mention all the additional scoop she must have dug up by being Hanna’s bestie.

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But does this make Mona too obvious of a choice?  I think so . . . a reveal of Mona as “A” would probably disappoint many fans, for that very reason.  But hey, she did manage to get Emily back on the swim team, with her scheming, blackmaily ways.  So, yay for that!

In slightly less positive news, Aria and Beard Holden broke up their faux-lationship . . . presumably, because of the whole “drugs thing.”

What a shame!  I was just starting to like their fake dates!  I really hope they fake make-up soon!

YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Regarding the room where everybody anonymously wrote their secrets using a blacklight pen . . . a few of those secrets bear very special significance to our story . . .  (Also, it just looks really cool.  So, I’ve decided to share the picture with you.)

Well, we can be pretty sure none of the PLL girls wrote the “never been kissed,” secret.  But Aria might be the virgin!

 .  . . despite regular efforts to make it not so . . .

As for the “I’m afraid of my dad,” confession, my money’s on Holden.  It would certainly explain the bruise on his stomach, and why he never seems to want to go home.  It also might explain his actions at the end of the episode. 😉  As for the taunting, “I know who killed Alison Dilaurentis . . .” well, I’m going to go with Jenna or Mona for that one.  Both girls seem like such obvious “A” candidates that they just HAVE to know more than they are letting on . . . (assuming, of course, that neither is actually “A.”)

A Match Frowned Upon by the Gods

Upon overhearing her mother fighting with Facelift Vampire Jason about truth, justice, and the illegitimate bastard child way .  . . Spencer makes the Spencer Face . . .

Then, she remembers that time when Melissa and Facelift Vampire Jason got caught making out in their car, and Ali responded by making all these naughty incest jokes.

“A match frowned upon by the gods,” Ali quips.  “This is more interesting than the guy who kills and eats his dates.”

More interesting, indeed.  But, for the record, I happen to think that Facelift Vampire Jason does kill and eat his dates  . . . I mean, he is a vampire, after all . . .

Later that night, Spencer confronts Facelift Vampire Jason with the fact that they might very well be half siblings.  He doesn’t deny it . . .

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Spencer understandably feels hurt and betrayed about being left out of the loop on this.  After all, given the younger Hastings’ siblings penchant for dating older men, there’s a good chance that Spencer could have ended up doing a lot more than make out with Facelift Vampire Jason, if left to her own devices . . .

And though Spencer gave her mom a bit of a verbal smackdown, at the end of the episode,  it’s her father that really has some explaining to do . . .

Now, Spencer that’s no way to talk about the newest additions to your family tree . . . 

Speaking of “rotten fruit under the family tree” . . .

Busted by a Birthmark . . .

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One of the problems with using photoshop to improve the quality your sexts is that, eventually, the person to whom you sent the picture is going to actually have to see you naked.  Evil Stepsister Kate just never figured that the person seeing her naked was going to be the same girl she was trying to screw over . . .

Get thee to a dermatologist, STAT!

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I absolutely adored the scene where Hanna got Kate to admit that she was the one, who sent that naked picture of herself to the whole school on Hanna’s phone.  And when Emily and Aria emerged in unison from the bathroom stalls, smiling and holding out matching cell phones that had recorded the conversation, I’m not embarrassed to say I did a little dance of joy . . .

BUSTED! 

I also loved seeing the smug, and self-righteous look wiped right off of Mama Isabel’s face, when she found out from the principal exactly what her “sweet daughter” had done . . .

Where’s Caleb?  (And why is your hand on my leg?)

Now, that the whole “Porno Kate” situation has been properly handled, Hanna becomes concerned that Blind Jenna and Bushy Eyebrows Noel might be after Caleb, because (1) of what he said to Blind Jenna in group; (2) because they seem to be working for “A,” and he has their phone.  Though, admittedly, I’m not quite sure why she sent Aria to find him, as opposed to going herself . . .

“If we are playing hide-and-seek, Aria, you are very, very bad at this game . . .”

Walking right past Caleb, as he types away in front of an OPEN WINDOW, Aria finds herself on the creepy, windy rooftop, screaming Caleb’s name . . . and not in a sexy way, either . . .  The minute she walked past that heavy door, held open by a rock, I just knew she was going to get locked up there by “A.”  What I didn’t expect was for Bushy Eyebrows Noel to start yanking on her legs, while she climbed a ladder, like the villains always do, in those action flicks.

Then, this happened  . . .

Never has Beard Boy Holden looked hotter than when he drop-kicked Noel in the nuts, to rescue Aria from his clutches.  It was 100% awesome sauce!  In fact, I may have to stop calling him Beard Boy, and start calling him Fight Club!

But Aria’s on to him . . .”Did someone jump you like that?  Is that how you got the bruises?” She wonders out loud . . .

Well, Holden, I’m sorry that you probably have an abusive dad and/or regularly used to get your ass kicked by people who don’t approve of your choice of mate.  That sucks!  But hey, at least you have a better nickname, now!

In other news, at the end of the night,  Emily’s and Aria’s regular calls from “Vivian” and “Vivian’s friend” to the number in Ali’s peacoat seem to have paid off.  Though, at first, someone who sounded suspiciously like Mona told them to piss off, when they called.  This time, the person on the other end of the line actually agrees to meet with them.

The plot . . . it thickens.

Oh, and as for Techno Boy Toy Caleb, he may be great at cracking cell phones, playing hide-and-go-seek, and being Hanna’s savior, but he sure is crappy at guarding his personal items.  Boyfriend is dumb enough to fall asleep at the school, with his precious laptop exposed to the world.

Is it any wonder the damn thing gets stolen in the middle of the night?

 Next week, on Pretty Little Liars . . .

Until then, my Pretties!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

“Aren’t you just sick and tired of being you?” – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “A Kiss Before Lying”

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Greetings, My Pretties!  I think the theme of “A Kiss Before Lying,” is best stated by the late Ali herself, when she asks Hanna (in her trademark “Ali” way that is both insulting and mysterious, at the same time). “Aren’t you just sick and tired of being you?”

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In a literal sense, the line refers to Ali, herself.  After all, at the time, she was wearing a wig and masquerading as a fictional literary character, and quite possibly — if the conspiracy theorists are to be believed — masquerading as her own twin sister.

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But, in a way, this episode showed us that all the PLL characters have created alternate identities for themselves, to some extent.

Let’s see:  there’s Hanna and her mom, who must pretend that they are wealthy through natural means, and not, as a result of theft.  There’s Aria, who must pretend she’s dating Holden, instead of Fitzy.  There’s Spencer, who’s trying to portray herself, as tough and strong, while, on the inside, she is literally wearing Toby’s under shirt, and falling apart at the seams.

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There’s Maya, who’s trying to show herself as being “cool and laidback,” while, in reality, she’s still rocking some serious resentment toward her girlfriend’s mother, for getting her shipped off to druggie camp.  And, finally, there’s Evil Stepsister Kate, who’s hiding a literally UGLY past, during which her now-flawless face was covered with ugly boils.  And, if my theory is correct, she’s also hiding a series scheme to take down Hanna, once and for all . .

“I’m going to ship you to the glue factory, just like this horse . . .” 

As for the episode title itself, “A Kiss Before Lying,” two couple’s exchanged kisses this week, Emmaya and Ezra.  Fitzy and Maya . . .  what lies are they tellings their loved ones about their identities?  Could either of them be “A”? 😉

So shake up your boil-and-baggy, throw on your favorite wig, and practice your favorite Air Hockey Victory Dance . . .

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 . . . because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

Spencer Hastings Smells Like Cheeseburgers . . .

“What?  You don’t like it?  It’s my new Ode de McDonalds’ perfume . . .” 

So, I have this new theory that Caleb Rivers is a werewolf.  Why?  Because he has a creepily good sense of smell.  Just last week, while on yet another phone hacking excursion with the PLL girls, Caleb kindly informed Emily that she smelled like mulch . . .

This week, Caleb got Spencer to stop crowding him, by informing her that he could tell she had a cheeseburger for lunch . . . even though it was already dinnertime!  Now, that’s impressive . . .

Anyway, contrary to my own interest in Caleb’s latent lupine tendencies, I think the real point of the scene was to show (1) that the PLL crew still couldn’t figure out what the heck is in Ali’s Secret Box; (2) that Dead Ali takes the best fake license picture, ever . . .

 

Seriously . . . it’s like one of those Glamour Shots! 

 . . . and (3) everybody is still freezing out Hanna, due to the whole “she put the flashdrive in a blender, but Caleb secretly made a copy” thing . . .

Have you ever called all your friends at once, and none of them answered?  So, you developed this paranoid fear that all of them were together having fun without you?  Well, that’s pretty much EXACTLY what’s happening to Hanna, right now.

“Hmm . . . well, Ali’s dead, so I can’t call her.   Mona’s probably out shopping for more sweater sets.  Lucas is an ONLINE GAMBLER!  So, I can’t hang out with him . . .”

We watch as each of the PLL girls, and Caleb, receive calls from Hanna, one right after another, and subsequently ignore them.

Eventually, Spencer takes pity on Hanna (after cynically noting that she is always the last one called), and actually picks up her phone.  Cue the idiocy of Emily, who chooses that exact moment to break glass on the floor, and Aria, who chooses to yell “EMILLLLLLYYYYYY,” in a ridiculously loud voice, so that Hanna can hear her.

(She might as well have just yelled, “HI HANNA!  It’s ARIA!  We are all here at Spencer’s house, rubbing up against your boyfriend!  And you aren’t invited!  Sucks to be you!)

“Umm, I’ve got go hang out with my family,” Spencer blurts out awkwardly, before hanging up the phone.

In other news, Aria has inexplicably begun lying, not just to her parents, about continuing to see Fitzy, but to her friends as well.  “There are certain situations where you have to lie to your friends, even if you hate doing it,” Aria tells Spencer in a private moment, after everyone else has left the house.

Aria’s actually talking about herself.  But Spencer assumes the confession relates to the secret all of them are currently keeping from Hanna.  So, she lets it slide . . .

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Speaking of Spencer, the poor girl is clearly on the verge of an Abs Toby-fueled emotional breakdown!  She’s wearing his t-shirts . . . sitting in his abandoned car . . . deathly afraid to be alone . . . all the post breakup depression signs are in full force.  It’s interesting to see this more vulnerable side of Spencer.  After all, of all the girls, she seemed to be the most independent, and the least reliant on significant others to make her happy.

And yet, perhaps, that’s precisely the point.  Unlike the other girls, who are all rather quick to fall in love, and open their hearts to new people, Spencer is a bit more guarded and closed off.  So, the fact that Toby was really able to wiggle his way into her heart, is something that Spencer does not take lightly, nor can she let it go, so easily.  “I don’t know how you are holding it together,” Spencer cries to Aria, as the two embrace.

 Spencer, I’m really sorry your sad.  We all love Toby, really we do.  But . . . might I make a suggestion?

Sorry, I just couldn’t resist . . .

Fitzy and Aria generate some real heat, while Holden and Aria order some fake appetizers . . .

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I love all these TV shows, where couples do things together while driving, like making out, and sometimes even, having full-on sex.  And nobody stops to think that maybe this is a bad idea  . . .

Fortunately, (since this IS ABC Family, after all) Aria’s mouth doesn’t stray far enough from Fitzy’s to go some place more X-rated.  Yet Fitzy definitely closes his eyes, and turns his head, for a good five seconds, in order to return the favor.

And we all know how “easily distracted” Fitzy can be . . .

While it was definitely sweet to see Aria and Fitzy together again, doing coupley things (even though, for obvious reasons, those “things” are restricted to secret car rendezvous), there’s something about the way the pair has to continuously sneak around and look over their shoulders all the time, that’s a bit sad.  It must make them FEEL like they are doing something wrong, whether or not they believe they actually are.

Oh, and did I mention that Byron the Bad Dad is trying to get Fitzy shipped off to Louisanna for an “Associate Dean” position, at Hollis’ satelite school?

“Whachu talkin’ about, Recapper?” 

*insert evil laugh here* 

First of all, what kind of self-respecting university gives an Associate Deanship to a 24-year old, with less than one year of teaching experience?  Second of all, Byron’s a moron, because he’s pretty much inviting his daughter to runaway with an older man and elope in the bayou.  He also seriously needs to get laid, because his man-crush / fixation on Fitzy is getting a bit ridiculous.  Third of all . . . well . . . I think this picture pretty much says it all . . .

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After Aria’s and Fitzy’s Secret Car Ride, she rushes back to Holden, just in time for Bad Dad Byron to take them home.  While Bad Dad leaves the car to make a clandestine call to his secret underage girlfriend  get some money from the ATM, Aria and Holden work to get their story straight about what they fake ate for dinner, during their fake date.  They also make plans for their next fake date, which just so happens to be their third one of the week.

I kind of love that ABC Family is “cultured” enough to have it’s characters do a little eyebrow raising and tongue wagging at the notion of the “third date,” which is referred to by some single adults as the “sex date.”  Though I suspect the line was not meant to imply that Aria and her friends share the same custom as their older counterparts, I do think ABC was providing a little wink to some of it’s viewers, who are college age, and above . . .

Of course, Aria and Holden aren’t having sex.  They are just eating a lot of fake garlic bread, with extra butter.  It’s a good thing Bad Dad Byron doesn’t share Caleb’s superpowers.  Otherwise, he would have totally been able to “sniff” out this particular lie . . .

“One of you smells like Fitzy’s car, and the other one smells like Fight Club.  I wonder which is which?” 

In which Maya teaches us about the pot-smoking tendencies of jazz musicians . . .

I guess I should really start listening to jazz music . . . 

So, Maya and Emily are back together.  By the time we reunite with them, they are already cuddled in Maya’s bed bantering, back and forth about Emily’s disappointment about being off the swimteam . . .

On one level, Maya’s being pretty cute and supportive of her girlfriend, while attempting to find humor the bad situation that is Emily’s expulsion from the team, due to both her being a suspected murderer.  And yet some of Maya’s “joking” suggestions about how to seek vengeance against the team do seem just a smidge “A” like, don’t they?  Like putting Nair in their shampoo bottles for example . . . Just sayin’ . . .

In other news, Fitzy apparently isn’t the only couple capable of creating heat.  Emmaya was so racy this week, it practically came with it’s own “parental discretion is advised” label . . .

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In addition to plotting against the swim team, and fondling one another, Emily and Maya also briefly discussed Mama Field’s visit to Rosewood, and what impact that would have on the couple’s relationship.  Apparently, Maya still hasn’t quite warmed to the woman who got her shipped off to druggie camp.  (Gee, I wonder why?)

Back at school Emily gets a message from “A” attached to her locker . . .

Just kidding!  The note is actually from HER MOM!

“Haha!  Suckassss!”

It IS interesting that “A” and Emily’s mother happen to have the same handwriting, though.  Don’t you think?  I also think the wording of the red-herring message is interesting, considering that Emily, herself hasn’t been tortured by “A,” since her greenhouse encounter.  It’s also important to note that of all the romantic relationships on this show, Emmaya seems to be the only one “A” hasn’t tried to break up.  Hmmm . . . suspicious . . .

Anywhoo, when Emily’s mom offers to take Emily’s friends out for dinner, Emily instead suggests new/old girlfriend, Maya.  And you could just see Mommy Dearest’s face crumple into a million pieces at the suggestion.  But she quickly recovers, and agrees to date, promising to give Maya another chance . . .

To say Emmaya and Mom’s date doesn’t exactly go well is the understatement of the century.  Right off the bat, Maya angers Emily for engaging in odd conversation about “cell phone apps” with A’s probable new lacky, and Blind Jenna’s new beau, Bushy Eyebrows Noel.

“Emily . . . Emily’s mom . . . two women on this show that I haven’t dated yet.  Might I interest you in a threesome?” 

When Maya promises Emily that Noel is a “nice guy,” the disdain is written all over Emily’s face.  The latter observes wryly that “his smile takes up half of his face.”  I’d like to add that his eyebrows take up the other half . . .

Have you ever a friend who, for whatever reason, just continuously said rude and inappropriate things in front of your mother?  And you just knew that your mother couldn’t stand her, which made meetings between the three of you super uncomfortable?

 I’ve actually had this experience a few times, which is why I was cringing throughout this dinner scene . . .  From Maya’s backhanded compliment to Mrs. Fields about her ability to control and dominate those less powerful than herself . . . to her insistence that Mrs. Fields probably only listened to conservative music, and wouldn’t listen to jazz, because jazz musicians were potheads . . . to her leaving the phone on LOUD, while at the dinner table . . . to her repeated references to “druggie camp” . . . and the stalker boyfriend she had there, it was as if every word out of Maya’s mouth was specially designed to piss off Mama Fields.  And if Mama Fields’ pursed lips smile, and raised eyebrows were any indication, her plan worked splendidly.  (I think I smell another Byron Montgomery, in the making.)

When  a frazzled Mama leaves the table (probably to call her shrink, or her priest, or something), Emily really lets Maya have it for her bad behavior . . .

At first, Maya is extremely defensive, when confronted with the accusation that she is deliberately sabotaging Emily’s relationship with her mother, and, by extension, Maya’s relationship with Emily.  She genuinely doesn’t seem to think she did anything wrong.  Then, she goes on the offensive, by accusing Emily of picking a fight with Maya, simply because she’s concerned about Maya dating boys.

Though my instinct was to side with Emily on this one (respecting my elders, was one of the very first lessons my parents drilled into my head, back when I was really young . . . and it stuck, in a big way), Maya’s response to the accusation made me wonder, if, perhaps, she really wasn’t aware of how rude she was being.  Having grown up in a hippie-type household, it’s highly possible that Maya was simply raised differently than Emily and I were.  Perhaps, in her house, parents and adults speak to one another as equals, and are brutally honest with eachother, even when it’s hurtful.  Then again, my parents probably wouldn’t ship me off to juvie, just because they found a doobie in my bag.  So, who knows?

 Maybe all of this weirdness is simply because Maya is “A” . . .

Emily must have been giving all of this some serious thought, because she shows up at Maya’s house, before school the following morning to apologize for her (comparably small) part in their argument . . .

“This would probably be a bad time for me to ask you, if you had any weed, right?”

Emily opens the conversation by admitting to Maya that she was uncomfortable with the notion of Maya dating boys, but only because she’s uncomfortable with the notion of Maya dating anyone besides her.  (Let’s temporarily forget the fact that Emily has had five romantic relationships on the show, aside from Maya . . . two of them with boys.)  In return, Maya admits that she probably was acting out against Emily’s mom, because she’s still pissed at her for getting her shipped off to druggie camp.  But when it comes to dramatic apologies, Maya certainly doesn’t mess around . . .

OMG!  Maya just redecorated her ENTIRE room to look like an underwater wonderland, JUST BECAUSE Emily missed the pool.  Talk about romantic.  (Of course, you do know, Maya, that whatever you do for Valentine’s Day and her birthday, is going to end up being a SERIOUS letdown, by comparison.) 

If there was ever an appropriate time to exchange “I love yous” with your significant others  . . . this is that time . . .

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Annnnnnd . . . then they had makeup/ underwater wonderland / “we just said I love you for the first time” sex . . .

The first rule of Fight Club is you never talk about fight club . . . with Aria.

Anyone else think that if Aria went into fight club with Holden, she’d kick his ass.  Girlfriend is small . . . but scrappy.  Just ask Fitzy!

So, Aria and Holden are out on another ‘fake date”  . . . which ends up being a “real date,” because both of their “fake dates” conveniently canceled at the same time.  (For the record, this was the first time I started to wonder whether Holden actually has nowhere else to go, while Aria is off with Fitzy, and simply uses the “fake date” as an excuse to get out of the house.  It would certainly explain his awkwardness, when Aria announced that her date was canceled, as well as his insistence that he and Aria see one another as much as possible.  More on that, in a bit  . . .)

Studies show that a good way of determining whether someone is lying is to watch their eyes when they talk.  Liars tend to avert their eyes, when speaking to you, by looking above you, or to the side of you, while they  are speaking.  See above.

One of the fun things about watching Aria and Holden play air hockey together, was how genuinely innocent and angst-free it was.  So many relationships on this show, are filled with drama, tears, breakups, and “A” manipulations.  But these two just seemed to enjoy spending time together, and felt comfortable enough with one another to be genuinely goofy.

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So, of course, Holden had to make things dark, by showing off his MASSIVE TUMMY BRUISES, right?

OK, so I have a few theories as to where Holden got that bruise on his stomach.  Here they are, in no particular order:

(1)  Holden is secretly Tyler Durden from Fight Club.

(2) Holden suffers physical abuse at home.  And goes on fake dates with Aria, simply to get out of the house, because he is terrified of being alone with his abuser.   (See above)

(3) Holden is also involved in a Forbidden Relationship, only those who are opposed to it are A LOT more upfront about their dissatisfaction than Bad Dad Byron and his sleazy “associate deanship” plans . . .

(4) Holden has been hired by Blind Jenna to do the N.A.T. club’s dirty work (just as Caleb was, earlier on in the season).  Generally, he just spies on the girls.  But once, she had him pick up Ali’s secret box.  The bruise is from where Hanna hit him with her car, during his getaway . . .

Do you guys like any of these?  I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts .  . .

You take the high road, I’ll take the NAKED road . . .

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Toward the beginning of the episode, Hanna’s mom warned Hanna to play nice with Evil Stepsister Kate, or they’d both end up looking like trash.  Obeying her mother’s wishes might be easier said than done for Hanna, especially when she’s being freezed out by all her friends and her boyfriend, and continues to receive texts like this one from “A” . . .

So, remember when Ashley Marin stole money from that old lady, and hid it in a lasagna box.  And then the old lady DIED?  Yeah, I thought the PLL writers forgot about that too.  But apparently, “A” remembers  .  . .

Of course, it’s not the reference to the lasagna box in A’s message that confuses Hanna, it’s the reference to her techno boy toy Caleb, who, as far as she’s concerned, stopped investigating A’s phone, when Hanna “blended” the flashdrive containing all it’s intel.  Not wanting to break their pact with Caleb, the rest of the girls are frustratingly evasive with Hanna, when she inquires about this . . . even going as far as to suggest that A is just flat out WRONG.

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Silly little liars!  Everyone knows that A is NEVER wrong, especially Hanna . . .  So, she pulls Spencer aside, and asks her flat out, whether the rest of the girls are blowing her off, because they are mad about what she did with the flashdrive.  Spencer denies this, but awkwardly so.  (Breaking up with Toby, has apparently turned Hanna into a really sh*tty liar.) 

And a sh*tty litte dresser . . . 

This prompts Hanna to angrily remind Hanna that she did what she did to protect Caleb, and she would do the same thing for any of the little liars.  Oddly enough, in actually, that’s exactly what the rest of the liars THINK they are doing for her.

Meanwhile, Hanna is trying to figure out what exactly Kate is up to that is prompting her to be so sickeningly sweet to Hanna and her friends.  (We’ll find out soon enough.)

“Is your head going to start spinning around, and start spewing out green stuff?  Or are you more of a Paranormal Activity, watch me while I sleep, and then throw me into a video camera after you eat my heart out, type demon?”

Meanwhile, Spencer is just trying to figure out where the f*&k she remembers Evil Stepsister Kate from, aside from the ill-fated wedding . . .

 

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(I suspect the costume department wanted Spencer to wear a ridiculous Sherlock Holmes hat, while she was doing her investigation, just to add to the humor of this plotline.)

Later, in gym class, the show producers make a point to show us how Hanna puts her cell phone in her bag, which she then stupidly throws into her locker, WITHOUT LOCKING IT . . .

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Then we see Kate lingering, an oddly long time in front of her locker, as if she can’t get it open.  Though everyone else is already in their gym uniforms, she is suspiciously still dressed.  And you’ll see why that’s important, in a little bit.  Of course, it’s this moment when Spencer finally figures out exactly where she knows Kate from . . .

Apparently, Melissa was Kate’s camp counselor, back when Kate was a loner loser with a Face Bug Bite problem.  And Spencer has the pictures to prove it!  I do love when Spencer gets into protective mode for her pals.  I think we all could use a friend like Spencer in our lives.

Anyway, spencer not-so-subtly warns Kate that if she mistreats Hanna, Spencer will expose her for the Bug Bitten B*tch she is.  Of course, Spencer strongly suspects that Kate will ruin her own reputation, long before this can happen, simply by being her awful, nasty, self . . .

“Ooh, I should really threaten you back, but I can’t think of another horse metaphor to use . . .” 

I actually think that Spencer’s words were what inadvertently gave Kate the idea to steal Hanna’s phone, if she hadn’t been planning to do it, already . . .

Later that night, Spencer and Hanna meet up at Spencer’s house.  Spencer is happy not to have to spend another night alone sniffing Toby’s undershirt.  And Hanna is just happy she’s let back into the ‘inner circle.”  Spencer even rewards Hanna, by showing her the promised picture of Evil Stepsister Kate and her Evil Bug Bites.  Hanna is impressed with her friend’s super sleuthing, not to mention VERY pleased with the results . . .

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But the friendly outing goes south fast, when Hanna finds the picture of Ali’s faux-license in Spencer’s phone, and realizes precisely what Caleb and the rest of the PLL girls have been hiding from her, these past few days . . .

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Hanna later confronts Caleb with this discovery, who perhaps doesn’t feel quite as guilty as he should, since he’s still not sure why Hanna was so adamant about him not investigating the phone in the first place.  Hanna then tells Caleb about the whole “money in the lasagna box” thing, and admits that the person who’s phone he has, is the one who’s been taunting her with knowledge of this information.

I was kind of glad Hanna trusted Caleb enough to tell him this, especially since she hasn’t been able to tell any of her friend, and I know the secret has been weighing heavily on her, for quite some time.  I also love that Caleb (a) accepted the information without any judgment, and (b) immediately went into protective boyfriend mode by heading straight to Blind Jenna’s house to threaten her against hurting Hanna.  (I guess he assumes this is her phone.)

Of course, Police Boy Garrett intercepts Caleb the minute he sets foot on Blind Jenna’s porch.  Clearly, business is very slow in the Rosewood Police Force, since Police Boy Garrett seems to have nothing better to do than to hang out in coffee shops, and sit outside Blind Jenna’s house for hours, waiting for visitors.

“Hey, Caleb!  I’ve been sitting in this cop car doing nothing all day, and I’m super board.  Wanna sit with me.  We can watch Blind Jenna’s window, and play Angry Birds on my iPhone!” 

Did you catch how Police Boy Garrett made reference to Caleb’s former job working for “A” as Blind Jenna’s spy, and how he’s since been replaced by someone else?  I actually think this seemingly throwaway line was important for two reasons.  (1) Continuity, yay!  Caleb’s shady past is another thing the writers seemed to have conveniently forgotten, up to this point.  (2)  Who exactly is Blind Jenna’s new henchman?  Is it Noel, as the PLL girls seem to suspect?  Or is it someone closer to the PLL girls .  . . like Maya . . . or Holden?

Oh!  Good news!  Spencer and Hanna kissed and made up.  Well . . . they didn’t really kiss, but, you know what I mean . . .

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“Have you been eating cheeseburgers again?” 

They’ve also uncovered a potentially HUGE clue about Ali’s death .  . .

Hanna recalls seeing Ali wearing a black wig, and masquerading as someone named Vivian Darkbloom, while at a beauty salon.  (Don’t you think a beautician would figure out that the person who’s hair they are working on was wearing a wig, when they .  . . oh . . . I don’t know .  . . TRIED TO WASH THEIR CLIENT’S HAIR?)

Now you see it . . . 

Now, you don’t . . . 

Suspecting that Ali might have used the new look and fake identity, in order to investigate her stalker “A.”  Super Sleuth Spencer researches the name Vivian Darkbloom on the internet.  She quickly discovers that Vivan Darkbloom was a character in the book Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov, and is also an anagram for the author’s name.  Ahh . . . I love with PLL gets all nerdy and literary!

I read Lolita.  The book was both fascinating and skeevy at the same time.  Surely, it can’t be an accident that the show’s writers choose to reference a book about an older man who falls in love with a tempestuous and manipulative early teen, considering how many age inappropriate relationships exist on this show . . .

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Hanna recalls stealing the book from Ali, for some inexplicable reason.  (Weird . . . Hanna is probably the least literary of the four girls.)  But when she retrieves it,  out falls some old claim ticket “Vivian Darkbloom” had for a storage locker.  Spencer calls the number and makes an appointment to retrieve the contents of the locker, since the REAL Vivian Darkbloom never will . . .

Ahhh . . . the plot . . . it thickens . . .

Over at school, everyone’s gossiping about a phone message that was apparently sent to the entire student body from .  . . wait for it . . . Hanna Marin.  Yes, because apparently Hanna Marin is a child pornographer . . .

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Honestly, I’m a bit annoyed at the rest of the PLL girls for even thinking, for a second, that Hanna would do something so patently disgusting, especially when she had so much riding on not rocking the boat with Evil Stepsister Kate.  Of course, the minute Hanna insists that she DIDN’T send the picture, the girls immediately assume that “A” did.  Personally . . . I think Kate sent it herself.

I mean, think about it, Kate gets to look like the poor innocent victim, while  Hanna looks, to use her mom’s own words, “like trash.”  Hanna could get expelled for doing something like this, and possibly even face criminal charges for child pornography.  It would also MURDER her relationship with her dad.  Beyond that, the picture looks totally posed, and almost too perfect to be candid.  So, I’m thinking that Kate used Hanna’s phone to snap it herself, while the rest of the girls were in gym class . . .

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Whoever it was that sent the nudie pic, whether it was “A,” or Kate, or even Hanna herself . . . girlfriend has some SERIOUS EXPLAINING to do . . .

Oh, and by the way, “A” stole a gun from Spencer’s dad’s drawer.  Wasn’t that sweet of her?

Next week on PLL . . .

And here’s what our friends in Canada had to say .  . .

Until next time, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][FangirlsForever]

What’s on TV This Week? (1/29 – 2/4) – Spoilery Sneak Peeks from Once Upon a Time, Gossip Girl, PLL, Glee, and TVD

[ Gossip Girl’s “G.G.” and PLL’s “A Kiss Before Lying” recaps are both on their way!  I wanted to take a little extra time with these. Gossip Girl just celebrated it’s 100th episode, after all.  (That just doesn’t happen every day!)  Check back for both recaps within the next 24 hours . . .]

Greetings TV fans!  One of my absolute favorite new TV Trends is the Episode Sneak Peek, i.e. the Web Clip.  More and more lately, networks are releasing key scenes from their upcoming television episodes, a week early, in hopes of generating buzz about their shows, and, possibly, increasing ratings.

The way I see it, this is a win-win situation for both the network and spoiler-loving TV viewers like myself.  From the network’s perspective, it gives the corporate suits the opportunity to control which spoilers are leaked about their upcoming episode, while still giving impatient fans something to chew on, while they wait for the actual episode to air.

From the fan’s perspective, we sort of get to feel like we’re “cheating” the system, by getting the early scoop on select parts of upcoming episodes that only the most spoiler savvy of viewers get to see . . .

“Beating the system .  . . one YouTube video at a time . . .” 

This week, was particuarly exciting for me, because I managed to find webclips for nearly EVERY show I watch!  And these aren’t just throwaway scenes, either!  Some of the sneak peeks I found offer up some genuine hints as to what these shows’ upcoming episodes have in store for us.

From a torrid fairytale affair . . . to a royal wedding that positively NO ONE wants to happen  .  . . to a heart-wrenching betrayal . . . to a Michael Jackson-inspired sing-off . . . to an out-and-out war between two sets of vampire brothers, something tells me that this week’s television fare is going to be setting the internet a-blaze with heated discussions for weeks to come . . .

So, without further adieu, I proudly bring to you, This Week’s Collection of Spoilery Sneak Peaks . . .

Once Upon a Time

“I see youuuuu!” 

Episode 11 – Fruit from the Poisonous Tree

Airs: Sunday, January, 28th, 8.p.m. EST on ABC

Though I was initially drawn to this fairytale fantasy, due to it’s uniquely original concept, and wealthy of unabashedly nerdy literary nods . . . the complex, and suprisingly dark, love story between Snow White, Prince Charming, and their respective Storybrook counterparts, is one of the main reasons I keep returning, after week.

How much of a role should amorphous concepts like fate, instinct, and chemistry play in one’s pursuit of happiness?  Is it acceptable in life to hurt and betray others, in the name of True Love?  These intriguing questions are central to Once Upon a Time, in general, and Mary Margaret’s (i.e. Snow White’s) and David’s (i.e. Prince Charming’s) story, specifically.

In this first webclip from the upcoming episode, David and Mary Margaret sneak off for a romantic forest picnic, of which their fairytale counterparts — who memorably met one another in, more or less, these same woods — would most definitely approve.  And yet the happiness of this romantic reunion is shadowed by the fact that David is married to another woman, one who has been doing everything in her power to make their ailing marriage work . . .

What’s so interesting about this couple is how many complex emotions they bring about in the viewer’s subconscious.  On one hand, everybody knows that Prince Charming and Snow White belong together.  This is something we’ve taken for granted, since we were kids.  No one else will ever be quite as right for these two individuals, as they are for one another . . .

And yet, as far Mary Margaret and David are concerned, their life is not a fairytale.  They aren’t princes and princesses, but, rather, real people, with real responsibilities . .  both of whom (while, generally, still loveable) have some genuine character flaws.  And this raises a  difficult question: Does the fact that, in alternate universe, these two individuals lived Happily Ever After, justify what they are doing in this universe?

I guess that’s really up to the viewer to decide . . .

Our second webclip introduces us to the plot that I suspect will take up the bulk of the episode.  We know him as Sidney Glass, once-editor of The Mirror (Storybrooke’s local paper), and, up until this point, one of the malevolent Mayor’s strongest allies.

But in Fairytale land, he was the Evil Queen’s Magic Mirror.  And judging by the below scene, in both worlds, his tendency to portray the world exactly as he sees it, might end up leaving him shattered . . .

Anytime Once Upon a Time focuses an entire hour on one of its minor characters, it takes a risk of alienating fans who are watching the show, more or less, just for it’s leads (i.e. Emma, Mary Margaret, David, and the Mayor).  Some minor character episodes have been highly successful, at least in my humble opinion.  In fact “The Price of Gold” (which featured Cinderella’s story), and “The Heart is a Lonely Hunter” (which featured the now-dearly departed Sheriff Graham / The Hunter) were actually among my favorites of the entire series.  And yet, other minor character episodes, like “That Still Small Voice” (about Shrink Archie Hopper, i.e. Jiminey Cricket), and “True North” (about Nicholas and Eva, i.e. Hansel and Gretel) felt a bit flat to me.

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Having always been a sucker for characters who don’t always necessarily walk on the “straight and narrow,” but who, deep down, have a good heart, I found myself intrigued by Sidney Glass, ever since we met the character, early on in the series.  Even though he’s definitely a minor character, I think his story has a lot of potential, particularly, if it’s written in a way that illustrates him as a darkly complex character and morally ambiguous, as opposed to just another schlub the Wicked Mayor managed to buy off . . .

Oh, and The Stranger . . . he’s TOTALLY one of the Brothers’ Grimm, looking to rewrite fairytale history.  It’s SO obvious!

Gossip Girl

Episode 100, “GG”

Airs: Monday, Janury 30th at 9 pm. EST on the CW

As hit or miss as Gossip Girl has been lately, there was a time, not too long ago, when it was one of the best things on television.  The clothes were eviably hipper than most of us could afford.  The couplings and sexcapades were WHITE hot . . .

The plot lines ranged from laugh-out-loud funny to jaw-droppingly, OMFG, scandalous.  And there were enough snappy, snarky quotable lines in each self-contained hour to . . . for lack of a better phrase .  . .  fill a book . . .

It’s for this reason that I am SOOOO incredibly excited about this episode’s 100th episode extravaganza.  If the rumors are true, this hour of television will be jam-packed with homages to GG’s raunchiest moments, eye-popping blot twists, and most deliciously evil schemes and insults.

In short, it will be like Season 1, all over again.  And I, for one, can’t wait to celebrate the show that taught me, once and for all, that “tights are NOT pants!”

Of course, there’s that little unavoidable matter of Blair’s sham of a wedding to that cyborg Price of Dull, Louis-bot . . .

Ahhh . . . Chuck Bass . . . the only man who can cross his legs, and still look masculine doing it.  And that voice . . . I could listen to that voice reading a Depends commercial, and still get turned on.

Don’t worry, Chuck.  Blair CANNOT go through this wedding . . .  It would be positively un-holy for her to do so . . .

That said, you may want to get that adorably toned little butt of yours, over to the church, stat!  Because it looks like she’s actually made her way down the aisle, without angry GG fans tackling her, in protest . . .

Pretty Little Liars

Episode 18 – “A Kiss Before Lying”

Airs: Monday, January 30th, 8.p.m. on ABC Family

When you are being stalked by the mysterious “A,” who literally knows your every move, and can ruin your life for the slightest infraction, lying is pretty much part of your “job description.”

Throughout two seasons, we’ve seen the Rosewood foursome lie to practically everybody they know about something . . . their parents, their significant others, their siblings, even the police.  But when it’s revealed that one of the girls might be starting to crack under the pressure, and her boyfriend just might have the key to bringing down “A,” once and for all, the Pretty Little Liars find themselves in the unique predicament of actually having to lie to eachother . . .

Honestly, as far as webclips go, these were kind of disappointing.  After all, we already knew coming in to this episode, that the rest of the PLL girls were working with Caleb to continue hacking into A’s cell phone, and that they had all controversially decided to leave Hanna out of it.

That said, the show’s Season Finale is not too far away.  And with it will come the much-awaited reveal of “A’s” identity . . . Now, that we know this story actually has an endgame, the probability that the writers will drop important clues into upcoming episodes, like this one, is increasingly high . . . .

Glee

Episode 11 – “Wanna Be Startin Somethin'”

Airs: Tuesday, January 31st at 8 p.m., EST on Fox

After last week’s Yes/No episode, Gleeks were talking more about whether or not Rachel would accept Finn’s proposal of marriage, and less about the musical performances that dominated the hour.

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I suspect that for this week’s episode, which will feature a homage to the works of the late King of Pop, Michael Jackson, the opposite will be true . . .

Truth be told, in the past Glee’s artist-centric episodes haven’t been among their best received.   Both the Britney Spears and Madonna-themed episodes were harshly panned by the critics.  And, for me, Glee’s Fleetwood Mac-inspired “Rumors” stands out as one of the worst episodes in Glee history.  Only the Lady Gaga-inspired episodes, “Theatricality” and “Born this Way,” seemed to manage to stay above the fray . . .

Well . . . almost . . . 

All negativity aside, I actually think “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin'”  has the opportunity to become a Glee classic.  For one thing, Michael Jackson’s soleful and diverse catalogue of music . . . combined with his flare for flamboyant costumes, and seamlessly choreographed numbers . . . seems to dovetail really well with the things that Glee does best.

Plus, whereas the Britney Spears and Madonna-themed episodes’ so-called plotlines were eye-roll inducing in their ridiculousness.  (Laughing gas induced fantasy sequences?  Seriously?), the reason why all these Glee-kids are suddenly all hopped up on MJ, despite having been infants through most of his heyday actually makes sense . . .

And it’s all explained, quite succinctly, here . . .

How I adore this clip, let me count the ways . . .  For one thing, I’m thrilled to see New Directions actually THINKING about their Regionals set list, ahead of time, for a change, as opposed to . . . oh, I don’t know, coming up with it five minutes before the episode actually airs?

I was also a big fan of Artie actually admitting that he was just a year old, when Michael Jackson moonwalked.  (In truth, he was actually not even born yet, but  I digress.)  So, many times, I’ve wondered how the Glee kids’ music taste often vastly pre-dated my own (see Fleetwood Mac episode).  In this case, at least the writers are inserting some recognition of that disconnect.

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And I hate to say it, but I’m REALLY digging Sebastian as Glee‘s new super villain.   After all, Sue Sylvester can only try to bring down Glee club so many times.  And not since Jesse St. James stint with Vocal Adrenaline has the New Directions really had a worthy adversary, who wasn’t afraid to “fight dirty” to win the competition.

Speaking of worthy adversaries, there’s something incredibly enjoyable about watching Sebastian go to head-to-head with Santana.  They say “Greed is Good.”  But I say “Mean is Better.”

And these two have that down, in spades.   Plus, dare I say it, for two gay characters, these two have an astounding amount of sexual chemistry. Don’t believe me?  Check out this musical sing-off to MJ’s iconic “Smooth Criminal” . . .

(By the way, did anybody else find the cello players oddly constipated looking facial expressions during the number a bit disturbing?)

And, of course, no Glee artist-centric episode would be complete without an ensemble number in which every cast member dresses up in one of the artist-in-question’s most memorable outfits . . .

(I think Blaine is supposed to be Michael Jackson from the beginning of the Thriller video.  Am I wrong?)

The Vampire Diaries

Episode 312 “Bringing Out the Dead”

Airs: Thursday, February 2nd,  8 p.m. EST on the CW

TVD webclips are notoriously heavy on Damon snark and Eye Thing, while frustratingly light on actual plot points . . .

I suspect this has to do with head writer Julie Plec being a bit of a spoilerphobe.  But with good reason!  After all, apart from the immensely attractive cast, and interminable shipper wars, it’s really this show’s game-changing plot twists that keep us tuning in, week after week.

This week’s webclip features a shirtless Stefan (Haven’t seen that one, in a while!) . . .

 . . .  and a rather smug “I kissed Elena, and you can’t take that away from me” Damon . . .

 . . .  doing what they do best, bickering and scheming  . . .

Just to be clear, Damon and Stefan were TOTALLY eye-f*&king in this scene, weren’t they?  Clearly, I wasn’t the only one who noticed that . . .

One of the things TVD does best . . . apart from it’s unimaginably erotic and unbelievably addictive love triangles, of course . . . is it’s parallels and role reversals. Last season, Elena un-daggered Elijah, in hopes of finding a way to eliminate Klaus as a threat, without hurting the people she loved.

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Stefan dutifully went along with her plan.  While Damon was angrily outspoken about his mistrust for the Original Vampire (with good reason, as it turns out), and ended up taking matters into his own hands, in a way that neither Elena nor Stefan approved . . .

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Now, less than a year later, Damon is the one who has un-daggered Elijah . . .  (CAN I GET A HELL YEAH?)

 . . . and is now looking to him for a possible alliance.  And Stefan is the mistrustful one, who’d prefer to take matters into his own hands . . .

But, of course, the parallels don’t end there.  There’s also the little matter of Damon locking lips with the girl Stefan always presumed was his own . . . despite the fact that his recent behavior has made a reunion between the two former lovebirds nearly impossible.

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And though, on the surface, these two brothers are fighting about vampire wars, and the efficacy of “old-fashioned” sitdowns, just beneath that surface lies a slow burn of love for the same woman, and with it, decades of jealousy, betrayal, and heartbreak . . .

That’s a whole lot of angst and complexity for one minute and 21 seconds, isn’t it?  You can imagine then, how intense the rest of the hour will be . . .

And there you have it, an entire week’s worth of juicy television, condensed down into a few short webclips.  I know I’ll definitely be tuning in . . . Will you?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]