Tag Archives: a team

Toby’s Doo Rag and Other Signs of the Impending Apocalypse – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Inferno”

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Something is rotten in the state of Rosewood . . .

ahhh

Spencer is neglecting her studies?

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Paige is stepping out on Emily . . . with Caleb?

mona is watching

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Hanna is going out to gay bars?

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what two

what three

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Fitzy’s a daddy?

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Dead Ali might have been pregnant?

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And yet none of these things are quite as shocking and horrifying as this image . . .

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BabyScared

Be afraid, my Pretties . . . be very afraid.  The world as we know it clearly has ended.  Let’s review, shall we?

I Dream of Evil . . .

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Poor Spencer . . . even her sex dreams end up being a Pain in the Neck . . .

evil abs 2

Spencer’s episode-opening nightmare provides us viewers an interesting peak into the psyche of the tightest-wound of the Little Liar Crew.  On one hand, she is unable to rid herself completely of her romantic (and sexual) feelings for Abs Toby.  After all, he’s still her first true love, the man to whom she gave her virginity.  And let us not forget THOSE ABS!

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big abs

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And yet, on the other hand, Spencer knows better than anyone how dangerous this person is . . . how evil and deceitful.  He’s betrayed her in a way that is deeply personal, and unfathomably painful.

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Is it any wonder that girlfriend is going a wee bit crazy, right now?

scary spencer

Speaking of coping with a Case of the Crazies . . .

Parental Guidance Suggested

For a show that usually seems to only feature parental units, when they are being creepy, suspicious, absentee or judgmental .  . . (and sometimes all of the above)

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*clears throat*

 . . . this week’s installment of PLL sure did seem to showcase a lot of (sort of) positive parent/child interaction.  Like, for instance, Emily’s mom seemed appropriately concerned for her daughter’s mental and emotional help, when the latter got a package from the family of her girlfriend’s killer, which, oddly enough featured a bunch of personal cards and letters she wrote to the first dead love of her life, Ali.

mama fields

“Can I offer you a hug?  Or perhaps a cookie?”

Hanna’s mom offers to switch Hanna out of classes with Mona at school.  This way, even if the latter continues to terrorize and try to kill her, at least it won’t bring down Hanna’s grades!

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Way to have those priorities in order, Mommy Dearest!

Aria’s dad finally admits he’s been a super crappy parent to Aria . . . you know, by cheating on her mom, and asking her to lie about it . . .  being aggressively manipulative toward her boyfriend . . .  accusing her and her friends of trying to burn a teacher to death . . .  leaving her home alone with his looney tunes girlfriend, who tried to poison and kill her . . . and, apparently, being too cheap to heat the house, when she was a baby?

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But hey, admitting you suck is half the battle, right?

The Ali Diaries, Part 26

For a girl who literally thought she was too cool for school, Ali was quite the prolific writer, wasn’t she?  I mean there are notebooks upon notebooks out their detailing every mean conversation she’s ever had with anyone at all!

immortality my darlings

Personally, I’m thinking Ali did all this writing in hopes that her life story would one day be made into a movie starring Kristen Stewart.  But that’s just me . . .

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At their regular morning  Previously on Pretty Little Liars Meeting at the coffee shop, the girls (minus Spencer, who is already on the train to Crazy Town, and, therefore, cannot attend the meeting) pore over Ali’s most recent memoirs, which they find in an old Biology notebook, from Emily’s secret stash.

biology notebook

In the notebook, Ali talks to someone who isn’t Emily about some “beach hottie” from whom she was hiding . . . wait for it . . .a DEEP DARK SECRET . . .

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But who could this elusive Beach Hottie be?  Was it THIS GUY?

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He certainly liked to Hang Out with Ali, back in the day .  . . (Get it?   Hang out?  I guess you had to be there.)

Perhaps, it was that guy who randomly taught her how to fly a plane in one episode?  Or maybe it was Aria’s dad?

byron ali

One person it definitely not was Abs Toby.  Why?  Because he spent that summer in juvie, dressed up like a weird shirtless pirate, or the maid from an old seventies sitcom . . .

pirate toby

“For your information, I happen to be playing Smee in the juvenile detention of Peter Pan.”

smee

“Raise the Roof, Dawg!”

We learn about Ali’s unceremonious visit to Jailhouse Toby, in which she accused him of writing her “A” letters (He denied it, of course), via flashback.  And yet, part of me kind of wished we got to read about it in Ali’s diary instead.  Because, let’s face it, we all know Ali would have had some hilarious things to say about the pair of women’s pantyhose he chose to wear on his head, while he was speaking to her . . .

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In the school potty room, Emily tries to re-awaken Spencer’s recently dormant sleuthing gene, by showing her Ali’s Diary-Masquerading-as-a-Biology-Notebook. But Spencer’s not having it, AT ALL.  In fact, she implies that Ali was a Big Fat Ho, who probably deserved whatever “Beach Hottie” dished out at her expense, whoever the f*&k he was . . .

halloween shy sexy amariesworld

Ouch!

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Emily’s a bit horrified by this newer, darker, Spencer.  In fact, I think a part of her is a bit relieved when her friend finally breaks down and cries, admitting that she and Toby broke up.

toby and i broke

“Phew,” Emily thinks to herself.  “You’re just depressed.  For a second there I was worried that you were going to give up dedicating your whole life to solving the two-year old murder of the girl who treated us all like crap . . .”

Speaking of people who are now dedicating their lives to a dead girl . . . and a Crazy Mona . .

Well that’s one mystery solved . . .

paige and caleb

“WHAT DID YOU SAY, CALEB . . . HANNA’S BOYFRIEND?  YOU WANT ME TO MEET YOU AT A GAY BAR . . . AND NOT TELL HANNA.  OK!  WHAT?  NO, I’M NOT INTENTIONALLY TALKING LOUD, SO HANNA COULD HEAR ME.  WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?”

So, remember that time when someone put a yummy cow’s brain in Mona’s locker?

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And most people thought either (1) Lucas did it, (2) Mona did it to herself, or (3) that random kid who’s bike Toby sabotaged did it?

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Well, it turns out, the answer was “D, none of the above.”  Caleb was the culprit!

wtf caleb

It makes sense, when you think about it.  After all, didn’t the guy LIVE at the school for a few months, back when he was homeless and broke . . . before he found out he had a magically rich mom?  Of course, he’d manage to obtain access to the keys to any rooms containing edible stuff!  Boy’s gotta eat, right?

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Then again, it’s also possible that he killed the cow with his bare hands, before giving it a lobotomy, and shoving his handiwork in the most evil A team member’s locker . . .

2 1 caleb bc i love you alecziscute

Just a thought.

Anywhoo, Hanna overhears Paige’s end of her conversation with Caleb, and decides to do a little late night sleuthing of her own, to see what her boyfriend and Emily’s girlfriend are plotting.

hanna says not

This is Spencer’s brain on The Crucible

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“I want to eat that kid’s brain, and crush his skull with my fingernails.”

Given her already emotionally volatile state, perhaps Arthur Miller’s The Crucible . . . a story about a group of women, who are accused of witchcraft, and ultimately burned at the stake . . . all because of one evil b*tch, and her team of sycophants, wasn’t the best book for her to read.  Spencer totally flips out in English class!  Then, she storms out of the room, as a horrified Ella Montgomery stares after her in confusion.

dont want to be here

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“Was it something I made you read?”

Speaking of bad messages, Spencer gets a text on her phone, supposedly from Aria, which claims that Fitzy broke up with her, because she finally told him he had a love child with the girl from the show Alex Mack . . .

alex-mack

“Our baby will be magical, and have the ability to turn into green goo.”

Girlfriend is HOPPING MAD on Aria’s behalf.  And so, without a second thought, Spencer rushes off to find Fitzy at a random picnic table behind the high school.  Though, honestly, I’m not quite sure why he’s there.  Having an important conversation with a squirrel, perhaps?

ezra squirrel

baby squirrel courage-dear-one

Spencer REALLY let’s Fitzy have it for doing Aria dirty.   And it’s a really powerful moment.  I mean, wouldn’t we all like to have a loyal friend like Spencer to tell off our ex boyfriends in situations like this?

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Except, there’s one problem . . . Fitzy never dumped Aria .  . . because he didn’t know she was keeping his lovechild a secret from him . . . until now . . .

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Way to let the illegitimate bastard child out of the bag, Spencer . . .

214 timing is everything spencer bridgeteeski

Speaking of uncomfortable encounters, Fitzy just wanders right into the cafeteria while Aria is eating lunch.  (Is there NO security at this school at all?), and asks her point blank IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL, if he has a kid.

ezria

ARIA:  “What?  You actually believed that? Oh that Spencer, she is such a kidder.  April Fools . . . in February!”

Now, whatever your personal feelings about Ezria, you have to credit where credit is due.  Fitzy handled this whole thing surprisingly well, under the circumstances.  Though he expresses disappointment with Aria for not being honest with him, he ultimately doesn’t actually break up with her over her truth withholding.  By the conclusion of the episode, he’s accepted responsibility for what’s happened, confronted the mother of his child, and agreed to go see his son, and possibly take part in his life.

Who would have thought I guy with a penchant for dating teenagers could end up being such an adult, himself?  What can I say?  I’m proud of you, EzzyBoo!

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Speaking of pride . . . well . . . gay pride . . .

Hanna’s Surprise Foray into Lesbianism

paige and girl

When Hanna follows Paige to what she believes is the secret Anti-A Lair she shares with Caleb, imagine her surprise when she finds Paige hitting on that chick from the PLL web series.  Ducking to avoid being spotted by Paige, Hanna inadvertently finds herself close dancing with this chick, who bought her one of the “pink drinks” (sex euphemism?) earlier in the hour.

hanna gets hit on

Emily would be so proud of her bestie / former roommate!

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At least until the part where Hanna gets into a bar brawl with the girlfriend of her Pink Drink Purchaser!

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“You B*TCH!  Now, I’ll never get to find out what a ‘pink drink’ tastes like!”

hanna upset

Maybe Hanna wouldn’t make for such a good lesbian, after all.  Off to the pokey you go, girl!  But not to worry!  Emily is waiting for you there . . .

Beach Hottie = Deputy Douchey?

shirtless D Douchey

“You again?  Don’t you ever leave?”

Thanks to a conveniently placed picture in the cryptic Biology notebook, Emily learns that Ali’s secret penpal was none other than Snake Murderer Cece!

mamas proud enter cece drake

Upon visiting That Other Blonde, Emily learns that Ali was possibly PREGNANT . . .

miss teenage pregnancy

 . . . Beach Hottie was the possible father . . .

offended emily

 . . . and he may have killed Ali, rather than let her reveal the secret!

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Now, that’s some pretty big gossip!  But it’s nothing compared to what the girls find out, when Emily goes to turn over the information to Deputy Douchey and the rest of squad of Keystone Cops.  Get this, Deputy Douchey spent the summer at Cape May with Ali and Cece.

Could Deputy Douchey be the Beach Hottie?

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Here’s a better question.  Doesn’t ANYONE on this show (aside from Caleb . . . and Emily) date females their own age?

In other news, Spencer sort of / kind of tells Aria she deserved to be ratted out to Fitz, regarding the whole secret love child thing . . .

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oh hell to the no

Then, the “Smartest” Little Liar further cements her shame spiral by . . . EATING A TV DINNER . . .

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 . . . having a good old-fashioned Ugly Car Cry . . .

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  . . . and meeting some creepy older dude in a diner / giving him Toby’s key?

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Oh dear!  It looks like someone is in serious need of a friend-tervention!  Where are those girls from Glee, when you need them, right?

lady humm called

Next week on Pretty Little Liars, Emily gets hypnotized and goes after Dead Ali with a shovel?  More importantly, I find out where I can buy myself a Hanna Marin Bobble Head, like the one the Girl in the Red Jacket blow torched at the end of the episode.  Come on!  Don’t pretend you don’t want one!

bobble heads

Until next time, my Pretties!

2 18 wave goodbye nikkilovesmakeup

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Is this a bad time? – A Recap of the Mid-Season Premiere of Pretty Little Liars, “She’s Better Now”

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Hola, my Pretties!  And welcome back to Rosewood, a town where everybody knows your nAme, and nobody ever uses  a lowercase “A”.  . .

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“Is this a bad time?”  Those are the first words out of Mona van derWaal’s mouth in the new season, as she hovers creepily over a sleeping Hanna’s bed in the middle of the night.

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I heard a song once that says, “There’s a time for every purpose, under Heaven.”

And while that’s a nice sentiment, I firmly believe that there are some things for which it is NEVER a good time.  For instance, here’s a hint for you, Supposedly-Not-Crazy-Anymore MONA.  There is NEVER a good time to break into someone’s house and hover over them, while they sleep, because you want them to be your friend again, despite your once having tried to run them over with your car . . .

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There is also never a good time to stalk down your school’s hallways, brandishing a cow’s brain on a sharp steak knife . . . except, perhaps, if you are trying to feed a pack of hungry zombies, and feel the cow’s brain is preferable to your own brain as a meal choice.

Spencer, there is never a good time to sit in the hot tub with Evil Abs Toby.  I don’t care how sexy his six-pack looks underwater, or how good it feels when his wet hands massage your back.

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Oh, and Aria?  There is never a good time to wear an outfit that looks like this . . .

aria outfit

Though I suspect there are some who would disagree with me.  Like This Guy . . .

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Those Rosewood girls, they never learn. Let’s review, shall we?

Grand Theft Toby

It’s a well-known fact that you are nobody in Rosewood, until someone in a black hoodie tries to run you down in their car.

ahhh

This seems to be sort of a rite of passage in this quaint town, where members of the illustrious A-team seem to drive around all night, every night, with literally nothing to do but to dig up long-dead corpses’ bodies, and play “Hulk, SMASH!” with the toesies of innocent bystanders.

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In that case, Welcome to the Club, Lucas Random Skateboard Dude!  You’ve just been Grand Theft Tobied . . .

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You weren’t really planning on using that Big Toe, anyway, were you, Lucas Random Skateboard Dude?

“Please stick a fork in my neck”

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It’s been a banner morning for the PLL girls.  Emily’s under house arrest, because her dad would prefer that psychos wearing hoodies not run over her toes with a car, thank you very much.  Sound over protective?  Sure, except when you remember that, a few weeks back, THIS DOUCHE tried to have Emily and her New Girlfriend killed . . . because he’d already killed her old one . . .

creepy nate

Hanna’s just learned that she has a crazy cousin Heshy, who once served his parents rusty nails drenched in milk for breakfast.  No wonder the poor girl has had issues with food all her life!  I wonder if being a Rusty Nail-Eating Loony Tune is genetic . . .

this is me thinking

All of Aria’s friends now think her dad killed Ali, because he hung out with her the night she died.  For what it’s worth, Aria, I don’t think your dad’s a murderer, I just think he’s a major asshole . . .

douche dad

His shirts are also way too tight.

But that’s not all.   The most petite PLL just found out her father’s mistress is teaching her class in U.S. Government.  And the Slutty Wench just confiscated her iPhone!

history not me

Remember that time when this biatch was in the movie Center Stage, and we actually didn’t want to stick a fork in her neck?

center stage

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Talk about history!

Is it any wonder Aria is talking about gouging herself with eating utensils?

fork to kill self

Speaking of Bad Days . . .

MOOOOOOve over Mona !

mad cow swine flu

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True Story . . . when I was in sixth grade, my school made me dissect a cow’s brain.  It was slimy, and smelled bad.  Plus, multiple times during the dissection, I could have sworn that I heard it Moo.

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Needless to say, the image of the stabbed brain in Mona’s locker, and it’s cryptic accompanying message, “It takes one mad cow to know another,” brought back some bad memories for me.

“Is that a brain?”  Hanna asks helpfully, when her erstwhile friend makes the MOO-orbid locker discovery.

Good call, Hanna!  I thought it was a cupcake!

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Hanna helpfully suggests that Mona close her locker door, brains and all.  Maybe nobody will notice!  Especially not in a place like Rosewood, where people murder lab rats, and keep random body parts in their lockers all the time!

But Mona will not go quietly.  Instead she stabs that knife deeper into that cow brain and holds it proudly in the air, as she takes a long walk down the hallway.  Yeah, because THAT doesn’t look crazy at all.

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“What’s the matter?  Never seen a brainy girl before?”

In most school’s Mona’s ridiculous actions would land her a first-class trip right back to the loony bin where she belongs. But here in Crazy Town, this is just another day . . . and perhaps, an opportunity for another YouTube video . . .

After her little Catwalk of Crazy, Mona whispers something cryptic in Lucas’ ear, and stalks back down the hallway.  Hanna tries to find out what she said, but Lucas just limps away guiltily.  Poor Lucas!  It looks like he may have needed that Big Toe, after all!

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Remember back when Lucas was funny and adorable like this?  I miss that!

Many fans suspect that Mona told Lucas that he should help her make THIS video, which became a Rosewood YouTube sensation, shortly after the whole brain incident.  It also made the obvious psychopath instantly well liked and popular, because apparently Rosewood High is a School for the Dumb.

draco malfoy facepalm

Anyway, the video . . . here it is, in its entirety:

Do you think that’s Lucas on the other end of the camera?  Feel free to shout out your opinions in the comment section.

But back to the whole limping thing, Hanna suspects that Lucas is limping, because he may very well be the person who tried to throw Aria from the train on Halloween night.  You know . . . when she was hanging out in that coffin with dead Garrett, and stabbed someone with a nail?  Good times.

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She begs her boyfriend to get the scoop.  You know, because murderous people who try to throw others off trains, make for really great interviews!  Caleb comes back empty handed, but Hanna later gets Lucas to admit to her that Mona has been sneaking out of the nuthouse, since she first went in there.  “That’s all I can say,” Lucas admits sadly.

miss you hanna

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Poor Lucas.  He’s definitely the Beta kid of this A Team.  He gets to do all the dirty jobs, with none of the respect or the rewards.  Not to mention, it’s pretty obvious he’s still hung up on Hanna, and hates having to play any part in hurting her.  I can’t help but feel sorry for the guy.  Even if he does sometimes have a really bad case of the Crazy Eyes . . .

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Meanwhile, outside the school . . .

Hand Grenade Hugs and Moonlighting Janitors

Have you ever noticed that ever since Evil Abs Toby has been outed as a member of the A Team, he has this perpetual puss on his face, like a cartoon super villain?  It’s like you can almost hear the maniacal laugh track of “MWAH-HAHA,” every time he opens his mouth.

toby eyes

And you would  think that Spencer — who used to be the kind of girl who would be suspicious of a bunny rabbit, if it looked at her funny — would notice that her supposedly loving boyfriend has suddenly caught a case of the EVIL EYES.  But nope!  B*tch is totally clueless . . . just rambling on and on, about how Facelift Jason is putting his life in his hands by being nice to Crazy Mona.

what im doing why im doing

“He’s hugging a hand grenade,” Spencer scoffs, as she pulls Evil Abs Toby into a loving embrace.

You see, that’s the thing about hand grenades.  They come in many shapes and sizes.  Sometimes, they even have six-pack abs . . .

mona jason

Meanwhile, it appears that the Weirdo Norman Bates-y dude who owned the hotel where Mona kept her evil lair is suddenly moonlighting at the high school as a janitor, and carting around a bag filled with Mona’s creepy crap.

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Oh, hello Ugly Baby Mask!  I missed you . . .

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Again, who the heck runs security at this school?  It seems like the entire payroll is filled with wackadoos and sociopaths!

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No offense, Fitzy .  . .

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And Aria’s mom . . .

I particularly liked the scene where Emily and Hanna go stalking the janitor,  and try to hide, when they are almost discovered.  Something tells me that, as a child Hanna was the kid you never wanted on your team during Hide and Seek . . . just a hunch . . .

hiding hanna

I also liked the part when the creepy janitor started literally sniffing around the hallway for the girls, as if he could SMELL their presence.  Time to lay off the perfume, my pretties . .

sniffing janitor

Hit me with a baby one more time . . .

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Aria and her scary animal print outfit are having a fine old time with Fitzy, when the former finds a “Congrats on your baby boy,” gift basket parked on Fitzy’s apartment doorstep.

BabyScared

Ruh ROH!  I guess A found out about Fitzy’s secret love child with Alex Mack, after all.  Aria’s eyes pop out of her head, as she disposes of the gift basket, before Ezzie can find it.  (I don’t know.  That seems like kind of a waste to me.  Those gift bags are expensive!)

Personally, I don’t think it’s fair for Aria to keep this BIG BABY secret from Fitzy.  After all, America’s favorite unemployed English teacher has a right to know that he has a spawn out there somewhere, who just might share his genetic propensity for having pasty white legs, being attracted to younger women, and writing REALLY BAD poetry . . .

bike

Hot Tub Time Machine

Remember back when Toby and Spencer were the World’s Sweetest Couple?  When every time he took off his shirt we clapped . . . and every time he hugged Spencer, lovingly touched her hair, and/or patiently told her to “shut the f*&k up about A, it’s all you ever talk about” we swooned?

pretty little spoby

Yeah, now the writers are just laughing at us with all this “Toby is Evil” stuff.  Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy seeing Spencer and Toby get all hot and sweaty after a run.  And I still clap when Toby sits in the hot tub shirtless, massaging Spencer’s shoulders.  The only difference is that now, enjoying it makes me feel like a bad person.

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Thanks a lot, writers!

That said, I love the repeated irony of Spencer getting jumpy about sounds that go bump in the night, when, inches away from her (shirtless, of course) is the dude who probably killed Police Boy Garrett, and Creepy Pedo Ian.  Talk about sleeping with the enemy!

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Pretty Little Cheaters

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As a sort-of/kind of runner (albeit a ridiculously slow one), I’m thinking I’m probably the only one who was annoyed by the girls totally cutting out of their charity race at Mile 2, to break into Creepy Janitor’s Lair of Old PLL Props.   Did they ever finish the race?  Or did they just cut to Mile 6, and jog triumphantly to finish line?  Fitzy said he donated HALF his unemployment money for this!  And he only has ONE HAIRY LIME in his fridge to eat!

leave my lime alone

Now that’s just rude!

That said, I’m kind of impressed at what savvy criminals these four have become over the past three seasons.  Emily successfully disables her dad’s first rate alarm system to sneak out of her house, in order to go on this mission.  Spencer expertly breaks into the Janitor’s lair, using nothing but a bobby pin, and sheer force of will.

bobby pin

scary spencer

And Aria, upon finding incriminating evidence that could one day be used to implicate her Craptastic Dad in Ali’s murder, quickly pockets the offending booty.  But more on that, in just a bit . . .

Newsflash: Aria’s Dad is Poopface .  . . oh, wait, we already knew that?

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This week on PLL, we learned that Dead Ali was blackmailing Boring Byron with knowledge about his affair with Skanky Meredith, and that this is probably why she had piles of money stashed away in her room.  (Then again, maybe she just had a gambling problem.)

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We found this out from Creepy Janitor, who randomly had Dead Ali’s diary in Creepy Janitor’s House of Old PLL Props, just hanging out, and waiting to be read.

diary page

diary page 2

Boring Byron thinks we should just be happy to know he wasn’t sleeping with the 14-year old.  He thinks that makes him a Good Dad!

You know what else he thinks makes him a Good Dad?  Accusing his daughter of trying to blow up his slutball mistress at a school charity event.  (That’s right.  It seems that, while the girls were in the Janitor’s Closet playing Hide the Diary.  The A Team went and literally BLEW UP MEREDITH, off screen!  HILARIOUS.  Too bad she survived.)

like your teacher

Anyway, it’s always good to know your parents trust and support you  . . .

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Ugh, this guy sucks so bad, I skeeve, whenever he’s on screen.  I’m just pissed he wasn’t in the schoolhouse with Happy Hobag Meredith, when Obviously-Not-Aria tried to blow her up.  Better luck next time . . .

Speaking of Skeevy . . .

Toward the end of the episode, we find Mona and Jason getting frisky together.  (Geez, don’t any of the guys on this show date people their own age?)  She’s fawning over a very rusty-nail looking wound on Facelift Jason’s tummy.  Then again, it could also be a BURN MARK.

Has Facelift Jason been part of the A Team all along?  Was he the one who Aria stabbed with a nail, when he tried to throw her coffin off the train on Halloween?  Did he try to blow up Boring Byron’s girlfriend Moronic Meredith at the Charity Event?

Tune in next week to find out . . .

And finally . . .

In the last scene of the episode, Evil Abs Toby screws around with the wheels on some random guy’s bike, who may or may not be the dude who put the brain in Mona’s locker.  (That’s funny.  I was certain she put that in herself?)

stefan shrug

This, of course, just goes to show you that NO ONE is safe on the streets of Rosewood, not even extras, who don’t have speaking parts on the show.  Be afraid, Teens!  Be very afraid . . .

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Until next time, my Pretties!

2 18 wave goodbye nikkilovesmakeup

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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13 Things I Learned from Pretty Little Liars’ “Blood is the New Black”

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Hey, my Pretties!  Yes, yes, I know, I’m late.

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But don’t you worry.  This Pretty Little Recap will be short on words, and heavy on gifs and snark . . . just how you like it. 😉

(1) Want to find the perfect gift to show that special someone you care?  Might I suggest a piece of jewelry . . . a necklace, or a bracelet, perhaps . . . something that really expresses your true feelings.

You really want your recipient to feel like you’ve given him or her a PART of yourself in your gift .  . . like, for example,  a molar, some canines, and a few front teeth . . .

(2) If you own a particular item of value . . . something you REALLY don’t want to lose . . . might I suggest NOT dangling it over the automatic flush toilet, while gesticulating wildly, and bobbing your head up and down repeatedly, like a chicken at feed time?

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(3) Planning a trip to your local insane asylum?

Here are some items you might want to bring along: crossword puzzles, coloring books, board games, an “I’m with Wackadoo” t-shirt.  You what you should NOT bring?  Knives, razor blades, box cutters, tweezers, or anything that is remotely POINTY AND SHARP!

[Hmm . . . well, this was an interesting turn of events.  What’s with Mona and the sudden cutting tendencies?  Is she going to try to claim that Hanna MADE HER BLEED?  Was she hoping to take a DNA test to find out who’s her daddy?  Has she been jonesing to take up fingerpainting, and was simply out of red paint?  So many questions . . .]

(4) “Ambiguous loss.”

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It’s a clinical term for how you feel when your former best friend becomes a total psychopath, blackmails you, almost sends your mom and YOU to jail, ruins all your relationships, tries to kill you, and ends up in the nuthouse . .  .

.  . . where you feel an inexplicable desire to visit her regularly, read to her from teen magazines, and give her a makeover . . .

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(5) I might be persuaded to check myself into a mental hospital, if THIS was my Doctor Feel Good . . .

(6) When you are feeling super stressed .  . .

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 . . .  and your ABS-TASTIC boyfriend offers to give you a sexy back massage . . .

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 . . . don’t be selfish!

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Tell him, he has to take off his shirt, so we ALL can get some enjoyment out of this . . .

(7) Before trashing your dad’s office to wreak vengeance on the hussy he’s screwing behind your mom’s back . . .

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 . . .  all because of some ugly earring in his couch cushion that your sociopath friend TOTALLY planted there, because SHE was probably secretly banging your dad too . . .

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 . . .  you might want to make sure they are ACTUALLY HER EARRINGS’, first . . . (Maybe your dad wears earrings sometimes, Aria.  Ever think of that?)

(8) When pretending to be blind as part of an elaborately ridiculous scheme to ruin the lives of some of your high school classmates . .

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 . . .  the PUBLIC RESTROOM,where said classmates spend NEARLY ALL OF THEIR TIME . . .

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 . .   is probably not the place to start . . . you know . . . acting like you SEE . . . and stuff . . .

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[By the way, I am so proud of my girl Spencer for deciding to use the A-Team’s tactics against them, by saving the super juicy information about Not-So-Blind Jenna’s . . . um . . . not so blindness . . . for a rainy d-“A”-y.

 Game on, A-HOLES (which, by the way is my new name for the A-team.)! ]

(9) Worried about an upcoming exam?

Here are some study tips to make sure your ace your big test.  First, find a hot tutor, who you can stare at for extended periods of time, without getting bored or distracted.

 Two, do something to calm yourself before the exam, like meditation or listening to music.

And finally, make sure your friend’s mom is your teacher, so she can take the test for you . . .

[Hmm . . . why am I thinking the “A” team is somehow going to start blackmailing Aria’s MOM now.  This ought to be interesting.]

(10) There are plenty of schools in the Virginia area.  Why does every single person who has banged or wants to bang a Montgomery choose to teach at either Rosewood Prep or Hollis?

And finally . . .

(11) When the former Police Boy currently rotting away in jail under suspicion of double homicide tells you not to trust the people you care about, you should TOTALLY believe him.  I mean, nothing says trustworthy, like an orange jumpsuit, and Johnny Depp hair . . .

(12) This guy?

A TOTAL KEEPER.

And finally . . .

(13) Hoodies = The uniform for evildoing TV teens EVERYWHERE!

That’s all I’ve got folks.  Until next time, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

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