[Note: The recap for “Murder of One is on it’s way! Be sure to check back for it, within the next 24 hours. It should be available no later than early Saturday morning, March 31. Thanks for your patience!]
Hey there, Fangbangers! This week on TVD, Alaric hopped aboard the Crazy Train. Both Damon and Rebekah learned the hard way why you should never let a 900-year old vampire touch your . . . head . . . in bed. Bonnie rejoined the I Have Sh*tty Parents Club, membership: every single character on this show. Stefan moved one step closer to becoming a “Social Drinker.” And Elena . . . did a lot of pouting? So, choke down a nice tall glass of “B Positive,” because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .
“We are predators, not puppies.”
Don’t you just hate it, when you are getting an MRI, and the mirror image above your head starts TOTALLY eye-f*cking you . . . but you can’t look away, because the technician running the machine told you not to move? Alaric can relate . . .
“Hey sexy, what’s shaking? Whaddya say, after this we go hit up the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, have a few drinks together and make some bad decisions.”
“Well, that depends . . . are YOU buying?”
While Alaric is busy being hit on by his Psycho Killer alter ego, Elena wonders out loud how Crazy Nanny Carrie / Meredith figured out that Alaric’s predilection for Man Jewelry was turning him evil. (“Is there like a course for that in med school?”) Meredith claims she learned this information from an old childhood story, regarding her ancestors. “Fells are notorious busy bodies,” she jokes lamely . . . which, if you think about it, is exactly what got Vampire Journalist Logan Fell killed . . .
and is probably what will ultimately kill Meredith/ Crazy Nanny Carrie. (You know the famous saying, “Curiosity killed the Fell!”)
The CAT scan comes out normal, thereby proving that Alaric’s “Bad Seed” problem is a purely supernatural one. It’s time to ditch the Man Jewelry, I guess! Alaric gives the odious ring to Elena. (Somewhere off screen, that Smeagol guy from Lord of the Rings, looks on with lust.)
“Don’t worry, Alaric! Smeagol will take that Man Jewelry off your hands . . .”
Then, Damon magically appears to collect Alaric, and continue his three-season long foreplay with Elena. Remember last week, when Elena caught the Salvatores chowing down at the “All Blonde Chick Buffet?” Well, apparently, so does Elena. And she uses it as the perfect opportunity to get under Damon’s skin . . .
. . . nevermind the fact that her guardian and her brother are still on a One-Way trip to Wacky Serial Killer Town.
Apparently, Elena doesn’t think Damon is the best “Role Model,” when it comes to healthy neck eating habits. All these different women! Poor Steffie will get indigestion! Instead, Elena suggests the “All Elena’s Arm” starvation diet . . . you know, because that worked SO WELL, last time . . .
Damon decides to lay down the law with Elena . . .
Deep down, both Damon and Elena know that, when it comes to Stefan, neither total abstinence, nor little nips of Doppelganger flesh, are long-term solutions to Stefan’s century long problem. He needs yummy bags of Soccer Mom . . . and the occasional cute college co-ed! He needs to go back to his vampire roots. And most importantly, Stefan needs to learn a little self-control . . .
which might have the unintended consequence of making him better in bed . . . not as good as Damon, of course. But better . . .
Oh, I don’t know Elena . . . Damon has spent three seasons, doing this . . .
. . . and this . . .
. . . and this . . .
. . . without jumping YOUR bones . . .
I think it’s safe to say he knows a thing or two about “self control.”
Speaking of self-control . . .
Over at the Bennett Farm, Caroline is taking on the role of Nu-Stefan, in an attempt to make Abby a slightly less crappy vampire than she is a mother to Bonnie. Truth be told, there probably isn’t enough “B positive” in the world, to make Mama Bennett smile . . . especially now that she can’t flirt with and fondle the local plant life, anymore . . .
“Oh, Pink Flower, your stamen is SOOOO big, it TOTALLY turns me on!”
(This reminds me . . . I forgot to water my cactus, this year.)
Meanwhile, over at the Wickory Bridge, Damon gets to reunite with not one, but TWO of his 900 +-year old sex partners.
(I guess he has a thing for older women . . . and, of course, much, much younger ones . . .)
Hot for Teacher . . .
I guess Mystic Falls has finally decided to fix that ole’ bridge everybody is always falling off, and drowning. (Good for them!) Damon offers to take Alaric and his new girlfriend, Dr. Secret Psycho, there for some fresh air. You know, because there’s nothing like spending time on a Man-Made Death Trap to make a Supernaturally-Made Death Trap feel less alone in the world.
“I feel so personally connected to this bridge. I bet it’s killed a lot of Founder’s Council Members over the years too. Good work, brother!”
Mama Lockwood, who has no idea she’s talking to a serial killer of FOUNDER’S COUNCIL members takes this opportunity to bug Alaric about his forgetting to bring by some old sign, in honor of the re-opening of the bridge. (Believe it or not, this detail will actually be important later.)
Mama Lockwood, I’ve been kind of busy carving all your friends up like the big fat Thanksgiving turkeys they are it just slipped my mind.” replies Alaric politely.
Shortly thereafter, Alaric and Crazy Nanny Carrie exit stage left, allowing Damon some alone time with His Women.
“Ladies, ladies. There is no need to fight. My manhood is big enough for both of you . . .
After doing a little flirtatious sleuthing, Damon quickly surmises the reason for both of his lady friends’ sudden reappearances on the bridge. Rebekah has been looking into some random tree, though Damon is not quite sure why. As for Sage, she’s apparently been pining for that Death Wish-Having, Mama’s Boy Finn for the 900-years, since he turned her, and was hoping he’d stop by. (Well, at least now we know why she and Damon get along so well!
And here, I thought it was just about the amazing sex.)
Always eager to spread bad news, Rebekah bounds over to tell Sage that Finn has left town, and that his heart only belongs to one woman, his wackjob mother . . .
Primed for a little lady fighting, Sage offers to help Damon figure out what exactly it is that Rebekah is hiding from him. All he has to do is turn on the charm, a little bit, and get her to pop by La Casa de Rich and Awesome for some Sexy Times. Sage knows full well, that no woman in her right mind would ever refuse an invitation to Damon’s Bed of Champions . . .
. . . least of all the vulnerable, and perpetually sex-starved, Rebekah . . . who, like everyone on this show (
except for maybe Psycho Alaric) really just wants to be LOVED, right?
As Sage had predicted, Rebekah doesn’t need much convincing. And soon enough, our fabulous vampire threesome have made plans for an X-rated Date with Destiny . . .
Meanwhile, back in Broody Town . . .
Well, THAT’S a pretty creative use of a knitting needle . . .
Elena has conveniently invited herself into La Casa de Rich and Awesome
because she heard about Damon and the threesome. Supposedly, she’s come to check out a book from Salvatore Library on her batsh*t crazy ancestor, Samantha. She finds Stefan in the living room, drinking blood of course. (This guy is clearly an emotional binge eater . . . How does he never get bloated? I mean, I know he’s dead and all, but you have to wonder sometimes, where it all goes.)
Damn you, and your super fast vampire metabolism. DAMN YOU!
Knowing how much his girlfriend hates to read (I mean, let’s face it, girlfriend hasn’t set foot in a classroom in about six months.), Stefan chivalrously offers to give Elena the Cliff Notes version of that Big Bad Book she’s cradling in her arms. Long story, short: her ancestor chopped her head open with a knitting needle, and bled to death in the loony bin. (OK, who the heck gave the INSANE SERIAL KILLER a knitting needle? Someone needs to put a dollar in the Moron Jar, stat.)
Ever the Bastion of Positivity, Stefan concludes his story, by giving it a “feel good” moral: “P.S. Alaric’s probably going to end up attempting to crochet an afghan with his brain too. And there’s basically nothing you can do about it. Thanks for playing! Better luck next time.”
Yeah, she didn’t really hit him. I am just saying that, if she did, he totally would have deserved it . . .
“Two is company, three is a party.”
(In my next life, I would like to be The Guy Who Covers Ian Somerhalder’s Weiner with Bits of Fabric to Appease the Censors. That guy always seems to be one sneeze away from a Wardrobe Malfunction.)
When Damon arrives home from his Double Date at Death Bridge, Stefan is FUMING MAD . . .
*insert snarling and growling noises here*
“How dare you tell Elena I’m a vampire who drinks human blood . . . oh wait . . . she already knew that . . . I mean, how dare you . . . um . . . talk to Elena without my permission. YEAH! That’s it! Not cool, brother,” gripes Stefan.
Under normal circumstances, Damon would LOVE to continue another round of the Saga of Stefan and Elena, but he has brains to manipulate, and ladies to screw. And he’s not about to let his little brother cockblock his CWTV-approved Porn Star Moment.
So, instead, Damon simply offers Stefan a few, Vampire Pride Maxims, for inspiration (“We’re here. We’re bloodsuckers. Get used to it!”), and heads off to the bathroom to shower himself in Axe Body Spray . . .
Sage arrives at the party first. Her housewarming gift is a piano player, who bares a suspicious resemblance to Finn. (I guess Sage has a “type.”)
“Mommy and I used to play the piano together all the time. But she always insisted on sitting on my lap, when we did it. I never understood why . . .”
There’s a rule on this show, that states that all piano players must get mauled by vampires. And this one is no exception. Sage wastes no time at all chomping on her Finn Doppelganger, while Damon looks on, eager for the REAL party to get started. And then, it does . . .
Like Sage, Rebekah also has not come to the party empty-handed. She brings over her personal catnip . . . booze, stolen from some Queen . . . somewhere.
Have I mentioned yet today, how much I love the rampant alcoholism on this show?
OK, enough of this lame piano music. Let’s crank up The Kills on that iPod and DANCE! (Because we all know how much Damon loves to dance!)
Ahhhh . . . memories!
Never one to want anyone to feel left out of the party, Damon struts over to Rebekah, and her two left feet, who is busy nursing her bottle of booze and looking forlorn. The pair share a little piano player snack, and then it’s time for Damon to REALLY turn on the Salvatore charm . . .
Normally, I would take this opportunity to chastise Boozy Rebekah for being so easily manipulated by Damon’s transparent and superficial attempts at seduction. But when Damon whispered, “I want you,” in Rebekah’s ear, I looked down at the floor, and found my panties around my ankles . . . and HE WASN’T EVEN TALKING TO ME!
The man is a genius . . .
So, of course they have to cut out the BEST scene, and skip to the post-coital bedroom cuddle . . .
Fortunately, the magic of gif-making allows us to improvise what likely happened between these two, while the cameras were otherwise occupied . . .
Then, Sage crawls into bed with Damon and the sleeping Beks, and I’m thinking, “It’s PARTY TIME!”
But then, Sage just fondles Rebekah’s forehead for about two seconds, and walks away . . .
OK, here is where I call “B.S.” Since when do vampires have Forehead Fondling Mind-Reading powers? Oh, that’s right . . . they don’t. Otherwise, Klaus wouldn’t have spent the entire summer ignorant to the fact that Elena wasn’t dead, and Stefan wasn’t really his best friend / minion / willing sex slave . . .
Nope . . . forehead fondling as a form of communication sounds a lot more like something a WITCH would do. In fact, it looked a heck of a lot like what Bonnie was doing with that plant, toward the beginning of the episode. (It’s also very similar to what she did to Luka, back in Season 2). And yet, we’ve just been told that witches lose their powers, immediately upon being turned into vampires. So, even if Sage WAS a witch in her former life, there’s a good chance she would have lost her ability to forehead fondle, the minute she sucked on Finn’s bloody teets.
For now, I’m willing to give the writers the benefit of the doubt. But if Sage has some magical powers that even the oldest, most powerful vampires in the world don’t possess, I’m hoping to get some sort of explanation as to why that is the case. Just saying . . .
Ooooh, but wait! We aren’t done with sexy times yet. It’s time for the post-sex shower. And we all know how much Damon loves getting all wet and soapy . . .
This time though, it appears our shower is built for TWO. (All that forehead fondling, must have gotten Sage’s fingers sweaty.)
P.S. Sage apparently has other magical powers, in addition to random dancing, piano player eating, tag team showering, and mind reading. Now, she’s fondling Damon’s forehead, and GIVING him Rebekah’s memories. OK, now I’m starting to get scared. If her head starts spinning around, and green stuff comes spewing out of her mouth, I’m calling the exorcist . . .
Damon, of course, seems completely unperturbed by this odd turn of events. In fact, he’s kind of thrilled . . . After all, now he knows there’s still a tree out there that could Klaus et al.
Damon doesn’t even bother getting dressed, before he makes another trip to the trusty Salvatore library. (Wearing clothes is SOOO 19th century.)
Please let the towel fall down . . . please let the towel fall down . . .
Sure enough, he figures out what many of us TVD fans have long suspected . . . . the Wickory Bridge is made almost entirely of White Oak. In other words, Death Trap Bridge doesn’t just kill Founder’s Council Members
like Alaric, it also kills ORIGINALS! Time to burn the evidence!
Sage reappears, during all this, and makes Damon promise not to use the knowledge she gave him to kill her long lost
lame lover, Finn. Damon agrees, crossing his fingers behind his back . . . since he knows, thanks to the spell binding all the Originals together . . . once he stakes Klaus . . .
“Mmm . . . Surrogate Son tastes yummy!”
Something tells me New Guy Jamie is going to fit right in on the cast of The Vampire Diaries . . .
at least, until they inevitably whack him, probably about three or four episodes from now
Coincidentally, I also think she will fit in as Bonnie’s new love incest.
It’s not incest. They promise us it’s not incest, even though they sort-of/kind of have the same crappy mom. After all, we all know how much Bonnie adores those former child stars, who went on to develop biceps . . .
(New Guy Jamie is the Non-Puppet one, just in case you were confused . . .)
The last time we saw Jamie, he was busy being compelled, and trying to bust a cap in Stefan’s ass . . . now he’s chopping wood (because that’s not at all a metaphor for anything sexual, now, is it?) Caroline stalks outside to yell at Jamie for not being nicer to his new vampire mother. She forces him to come inside and be civil. Let the eye f*&king with Bonnie ensue. Then, Mama Bennett proceeds to EAT HIS NECK. Yeah, that’s what you get for listening to Caroline, Jamie. Eventually, you’ll learn . . .
“How was I supposed to know that Jamie had ‘B Positive, blood!“
Fortunately, Jamie doesn’t . . . you know . . . die, or anything. But that doesn’t stop Mama Bennett from sneaking out, while the kiddies aren’t home, despite Caroline’s protestations. I’m really sorry that your Mom totally sucks, Bonnie. (In more ways than one.) But hey, look on the bright side, considering how rarely you get your own story line, it will probably be at least three seasons, before we find out your father is just as bad . . .
In other news, Bonnie has decided to forgive Elena, and perform the spell that will magically cure Alaric of his Crazy. (Man, if this were real it would put pharmaceutical companies, insane asylums and therapists out of business. Witches are BAD for the economy. . .) She tells Elena to get something from Alaric’s house that he had before he started wearing his Jamaican Me Crazy Ring.
“Does the bottle of scotch, I had permanently attached to my lips count?”
Back at the Gilbert house, after receiving the password to all of Alaric’s bank accounts (It’s “vampire slayer,” just in case you’re interested in performing a little identity theft, after reading this recap), Elena offers to head back to Alaric’s apartment to pick up the jewelry item. Meredith all-too-eagerly agrees offers to stay alone with Alaric, while the latter looks. (Girlfriend must be really hard-up for sex, if she’s willing to risk being bludgeoned to death for it.) Ruh-roh!
“Do you feel remorse? Because you should!’
“Geez, Elena. You’re a pig. When’s the last time you cleaned your bathroom counters, Season 1?”
Over at Alaric’s apartment, Elena finds Stefan . . . lurking (because that’s not weird . . . at all). He agrees to help her search for Alaric’s wedding ring. While the two are in the apartment, Elena and Stefan find all these creepy pictures of Alaric’s victims (even a picture of himself . . . not sure how he managed that.)
“Automatic timer on his camera?”
There’s also a big packet of information on the Founder’s Council, which Alaric was apparently preparing to send to . . . wait for it . . . Jeremy?!!!
On top of the packet is a letter to Jeremy, instructing him on precisely how to “cleanse the Founder’s council,” using the ring that will “make him strong.”
I have to say, I was skeptical at first, but I really like the way the writers are handling this serial killer story line. Initially, when I first learned that it was “the ring” making Alaric crazy, I thought that they would use this as a way of completely freeing Alaric of liability for his own actions.
But what’s interesting about Alaric’s psychosis is that he doesn’t seem “psychotic” in the way Samantha Gilbert was described. Nope. This is a sociopath, pure and simple . . . a guy with a clear motive . . . one that “sane” Alaric wouldn’t necessarily disagree with: to rid the Founder’s Council of it’s inherent hypocrisy, when it comes to protecting the townspeople from vampires (though their methods of coping with it, might be different). Bad!Alaric’s moves, up to this point, from attacking himself, to provide himself with an alibi . . . to studying up on the Founder’s Council . . . to exploiting the fact that the ring is likely having the same effect on Jeremy’s mental state, over in Vermont, have been kind of creepily brilliant.
The other thing we learn from this little excursion is that Samantha Gilbert also killed folks in the mental institution, long after she stopped wearing the ring. Having come to the realization that Alaric is still very much a danger to Crazy Nanny Carrie, Stefan and Elena rush back to the Gilbert house . . . though it may be too late . . .
Back at the Gilbert house, Alaric awakens from his little nappy, with a bad case of the Crazy Eyes . . .
“Here’s looking at you, Crazy Nanny Carrie.”
As we learned this week, even on his “good, non-possessed days,” Alaric was no stranger to violence. In fact, one of his favorite past times was beating up on asshats for fun. So, you could imagine how terrifying he is now that he “has the ring to make him
At first, Bad!Alaric plays it cool . . . making casual conversation with Sitting Duck Meredith, as he plays with her blood syringes. But things start to get creepy, when he not-so-casually asks Meredith if she feels remorse about her seemingly hypocritical stance on vampires. (i.e. Good for Doctor Business . . . Bad for the Town.) His words remind me a bit of when Alaric bullied himself onto the Founder’s Council, by arguing that everyone else in the group was in love with or related to a supernatural creature. (Man, how long has this sh*t been going on?)
With all pretenses of sanity dropped, Alaric can now chase Meredith, like the psycho self he’s been . . . at least for the last fifteen minutes. As for Meredith, she can make the classic Damsel in Distress Horror movie mistake of running upstairs, when she could just as easily have ran out the door screaming, “HELP, MY RING POSSESSED BOYFRIEND IS TRYING TO KILL ME, BECAUSE I ONLY PRETEND TO HATE VAMPIRES. IS THERE A WITCH IN THE HOUSE?”
In Meredith’s defense, she’s impressively handy with a scissor . . .
By the time Stefan and Elena return to the Gilbert house (That was kind of slow! What? Stefan can’t fly? Vampire FAIL!), Alaric is already calmly and creepily grinning at them by the door. “Meredith
is currently dying on your toilet, Elena. Sweet DREAMS! got an emergency call, and had to go back to the hospital,” he fibs.
Elena gets Bad!Alaric out of the house, by claiming she wasn’t able to find his ring. Once he’s gone, Stefan turns to Elena, his eyes wide with anticipation, his nostrils flared like a pig poised a mud bath. He has a little favor to ask of his ex girlfriend.
If Elena thinks she’s being propositioned for Ex Sex, she’s sorely mistaken. Stefan literally smells blood. And it isn’t long before the pair find it’s source . . . it’s Meredith . . . in the bathroom . . . with the steak knife. Cue Stefan’s vamp face . . .
“My wife looks so hot, when she’s all mutilated and dying like that . . . oops. Did I just break character?”
Annnnd, here comes our Super Hero moment of the week . . .
Final score: Vampire Cravings – 0, Stefan Salvatore – 1
Well, hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day . . .
Now, you may be wondering what happened to Alaric. Well, after a nice bonding moment between Elena and Bonnie . . .
. . . the latter did a little spell, and served the Chunky Monkey some of her magical, “Don’t be a sociopath, anymore” salad. Then Damon knocked the guy out, and took him to some remote loft, where he could . . . you know . . . not kill people, and stuff . . .
Speaking of Dormant Serial Killers, Elena called Jeremy, who I am now officially worried about . . . or, rather, I’m worried for the good people of Vermont, who he has taken to calling his “friends.” (Why do I have this feeling that Jeremy’s “friends” are a bunch of decapitated rotting corpses, he hides in his closet, and plays chess with when he’s bored.)
Of course, Elena doesn’t do anything practical . . . like tell Jeremy to take off the ring . . . or to be on the lookout for a care package of “Don’t be a sociopath anymore” herbs. Instead, she just pouts and stares off into space . . . Way to be a hero, Elena . . .
According to Jeremy, Alaric hasn’t tried to contact him once, since he left for Vermont. Do we believe him?
“Game back on, brother!”
Never trust a woman who’s always fondling your forehead. Damon finds out Sage betrayed him, when he sees Rebekah burning down the Wickory Bridge. It turns out Rebekah’s head wasn’t the only one Sage shrunk, during last night’s sex sandwich escapades. Sage absolutely refuses to believe Damon’s claims of Finn’s suicidal nature. She honestly thinks that, once united, the two will live happily ever after . . . along with his mother . . . who will probably sleep in bed with them for all eternity.
Sage may think she’s saved her lover boy’s life, by betraying Damon, and teaming up with the scheming Rebekah. But she hasn’t. It turns out there’s one piece of Wickory Bridge White Oak the twosome failed to burn . . . (Remember what I said about the sign being important?)
I hope you’ve been training, Scooby Gang, because Hunting Season has just begun . . .
Next week on TVD, Bondage Damon makes his triumphant return to our televisions sets. Also, THIS HAPPENS . . .
Can I get a HELL YEAH?!
Check out the trailers . . . if you dare . . .
Until next time, Fangbangers!