The Vampire Diaries’ Ripper Redux – Part III (Feeding the Monster Within . . .)

“Who’s next in line to GET IN MY BELLY?” 

“Is it YOU?”

Welcome back, my darling Ripper-aholics!  Thank you for joining us for Part III of The Ripper Redux Chronicles.  Last week on The Ripper Redux, we traveled to Present Day, Mystic Falls,  to observe the first underpinings of Modern Day Ripper Stefan.  This week, it’s back to 1864, where we will learn how Stefan and Damon spent their first few days as vampires . . .

“Dammit, Stefan!  I just had this couch cleaned!  Must you always eat in the living room!”

Ironically, it is during these Darkest Days, that Stefan began to build two tenuous links to his humanity, both of which were destined to chart his fate for the rest of eternity: (1) his own vampire brother, and (2) his tremendous capacity for LOOOOOOOOVE . . .

*clears throat*  Did it just get hot in here?

I’m referring, of course, to the same Ripper Stefan who devoured all but one of Elena’s ancestors for dinner . . .

The Last Gilbert Standing . . . (well, actually, he was pretty much laying down, at the time) 

 . . .  and snacked on a trio of Lusty Ladies of the Night for dessert.  Here was a vampire whose appetite for blood and lust knew no bounds.  It is this Ripper Stefan who we meet in the series of flashbacks shown in Season 2’s “The Dinner Party” . . .

“Could I, perhaps, trouble you for a bib?” 

(By the way, for those of you who missed the two previous installments of this series, worry not!  You can check them out by clicking the links below:

Part I: Click Here

Part II: Click Here 

Bon appetite!)

“I had to turn it off.  It was the only way I could survive . . .”

Setting the Scene: 

Judging you . . .

So much for a romantic getaway!  Tensions between Stefan and Elena reach their height, when Stefan learns that Elena’s “agreement” with Elijah involves her sacrificing her own life to the Original Badass, Klaus (who we later learn is Elijah’s brother).  Elena’s got some ‘splaining to do!  But, as it turns out, she isn’t the only one . . .

At the Gilbert cottage, Elena finds an old diary of her ancestor, Jonathan Gilbert.  In it, he details his 1864 run-ins with then-newbie vampire, Stefan Salvatore.  And some of the things that Jonathan has to say about Elena’s boyfriend aren’t particularly nice . . .

“Damn, that Jonathan Gilbert!  I should have decapitated that Diary-Writing Douchebag, when I had the chance!  Oh, wait . . . that means Elena would never have been born.  Doesn’t it?  Hmm . . . nevermind then.”

Let’s watch the clip, shall we?

(Click the internal link to view.)

Potent Quotables:

Present Day –

ELENA:  “He described you as a monster.”

STEFAN:  “That’s what I was . . . In the weeks after I became a vampire, I relished in it.  I took it to the darkest place I could.”

(And later . . .)

ELENA: “It sounds like you were Damon.”

STEFAN: “I was worse.”

STEFAN (voiceover): “I wasn’t myself then.  I was full of guilt, for what I did to my father, my brother.  I had to turn it off.  It was the only way that I could survive.”

Flashback –

STEFAN: “Damon, don’t be like this.  I’m just having fun.”

DAMON: “Staying ALIVE is more fun Stefan.  We have to be more careful than this, more clever . . . like Katherine was.”

STEFAN: “Look where that got her.”

DAMON: “I’m done here . . . with YOU.  I’m leaving town.”

STEFAN: “You hate me . . . I know . . . an eternity of misery and all that . . . I know . . . But you don’t have to leave town.  Damon, I’ll do better.  I promise.”

DAMON: “No, you will get us killed.  I’d rather leave you to do that to yourself.”

Why this scene is a key moment in Ripper Canon:

 Julie:  The TVD writers have done an extremely good job of taking what we THINK we know about Stefan’s blood lusty past, and repeatedly turning it on its head.  (They will do so again, in the Season Finale.)   In the last scene from “Blood Brothers,” we saw Ghost Emily tell Stefan that his TRUE CURSE would be his inherent good heartedness, and the way in which the pain and guilt of his sins would eat him up inside forever.  Based on Stefan’s facial expression following the exchange, we knew that Emily’s words had a definite effect on him.  However, the effect wasn’t exactly what you would expect . . .

“Screw YOU, Emily!” 

Also, in that episode, we saw Damon wash his hands of Stefan for the role the latter played in his at least-partially unwilling vampire transition.  The Elder Salvatore Brother vowed, right then and there, to make his little brother’s life miserable for all eternity.  The exchange suggested that Damon left town that evening, “turned off his emotions,” and immediately became the Bad Boy Vamp we know and love today . . .

In this scene, however, we learn that wasn’t the case.  Despite his anger at Stefan, Damon, apparently, still felt enough kinship with and brotherly responsibility toward Stefan to stay with him for a few more weeks.  But every relationship has its breaking point.  And THIS was Damon’s . . .

Amy:  Bloodaholic Stefan has the addict behaviors down pat here: the benders, the denial, the pleading when faced with consequences. In this brief flashback we see him slurping away at many a willing victim (“Me! I’m next!” those Civil War belles sure were slutty!) in what is basically a Blood Orgy of sorts.  His growling as he feeds, the girls moans, the seeming pleasure that hunter and prey are both getting off on are as close to S-E-X as TVD is allowed to get away with on the CW . . .

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?” 

Julie:  Ummm . . . I’ll have what she’s having. 😉  Now that you mention it, New Vamp Stefan definitely seems a bit crazier, and more maniacal, than Seasoned Vamp Stefan.  (So much for “not wasting the blood,” and “not making a mess!”)  Having not yet sufficiently mastered the “talents” required to become the cold calculating killer we witnessed in “Miss Mystic Falls,” when Stefan chews on his Victorian Honeys, he seems more in need of a feeding trough and a roll of extra-absorbant paper towels, than anything else . . .

And yet, New Vamp Stefan does share a couple of traits with the Blood-Lusty Stefan of “Miss Mystic Falls”: namely, an enjoyment of killing, and a complete lack of concern for his human victims .  . .

Amy:   Enjoyment of killing, indeed!  Ripper Stefan is having a grand old time doing his Biting Thing, until Wet Blanket Big Bro Damon arrives to compel the Slutty Belles out of La Casa de Rich and Awesome 1.0, and smack some sense into him.

“Come on, Stefan!  We don’t even know whether or not vampires can get STD’s, yet!  Can you imagine having crabs for all eternity?” 

This is where Stefan becomes quite the Little Brother with his rationalizations (No worries about the Founding Families, he’s gonna kill them soon, anyway), whining (that line “Damon don’t be like this, I’m just having fun” is delivered in such a bratty tone), justifying his “weeks” of binging on willing ladies’ necks and putting the Salvatores at risk, by exposing the lie that they survived both human – and vampire deaths.

Source

Julie: Good point, Amy!  You know, it’s interesting that, in his voiceover, Stefan claims that “turning off his emotions” was his chosen method of coping with his guilt, during those Early Vampire Days.  And yet, just like in “Blood Brothers,” here we see Stefan, once again, become rather emotional, when the Elder Salvatore makes his SECOND threat to leave Stefan alone to his own devices.

Source

Stefan’s childlike entreaties for his brother to stay with him, (“I’ll do better.  I promise!”), stand in stark contrast, to his monstrous acts earlier in the episode.  Here is an individual who is DEATHLY afraid of being alone with himself, and his own powerfully devastating emotions.  Despite the fact that, during the act of killing, Stefan genuinely seems to be able to effectively turn off his humanity, it always seems to bite him in the ass, immediately after feeding . . . kind of like a bad hangover that just won’t go away.

“I have SUCH a headache.  I’m never drinking AGAIN, I swear!  I’m sticking to bunnies, from now on . . .” 

Amy:  When Damon lays down the law – that he is done with Stefan for good – that’s when the facade of not giving a sh*t and calling the downward spiral he’s on “fun” comes crashing down and Stefan is faced with what he couldn’t face the night he became a vampire: going on without his brother. The desperate tone his voice takes – the way he grasps at Damon as he stalks off – he’s pathetic really.  As Julie notes, he is terrified of being alone with himself and feeling all that he is so anxious to “turn off”. But he also needs Damon with him.

His “turning” of Damon into a vampire didn’t go quite as planned, with the “lifetime of eternal misery” and such.  But maybe he had hope since Damon stuck around that what he did to his brother could be forgiven – OR perhaps he imagined they would enjoy the kind of brutal partnership that we now know Klaus has planned for him . . .

Source

Julie: I’m glad you brought up the whole Klaus Connection.  I remember watching this episode for the first time, and being EXTREMELY disappointed with the whole “I Stopped Being Bad Stefan, Because Lexi Taught Me the True Meaning of Love” explanation.

Source

I just thought it was such a cop out, on the writers’ part.  I mean, here we were assuming that Stefan’s Bloodlust was something he battled with, on and off,  for 160+ -some odd years, and then this flashback comes along, which suggests it only lasted 160 some odd hours. 

Now, we see that Stefan DID, in fact, have a “drinking problem,” LONG AFTER meeting Lexi.  In fact, in “As I Lay Dying,” Klaus suggests that Ripper Stefan was alive and well, as recently as 1917.  This, of course, makes things a lot more interesting, as it potentially paves the way for us to see some still-darker flashbacks of Ripper Stefan in Season 3.  It also makes me wonder whether Stefan intentionally misled Elena about the extent of his dark past, in this episode . . .

Amy:  Heck yeah!  Bring on more Ripper Stefan!

The mirror of this scene is at least a dozen others we’ve seen in present day Mystic Falls – in which Damon acts cruel, flippant and ignorant to whatever pleas or demands Stefan is making of him.

To find out that at the beginning those roles were reversed adds yet another layer to the very complicated relationship and history of the Brothers Salvatore. Personally, I hope in S3 we explore more how Stefan thinks himself “worse” than Damon. Was that our first clue that he was less Lexi’s Reformed Vamp Buddy . . .

. . .  than he was the “ripper” of Klaus’ wingman fantasies?

Source

Julie:  I guess we will have to wait until September 15th to find out, won’t we?

“Damn you, CW!  DAMN YOU!”

HOWEVER . . . speaking of Stefan and Klaus, Part IV of this series tackles Stefan’s jaw-dropping degradation into his Ripper self, at the hands of the Original Were-Vamp, as seen in TVD’s EPIC Season 2 finale, “As I Lay Dying.”  You will be able to find THAT installment over at Amy’s spectacular Imaginary Men blog, sometime next week.

Until then, HAPPY FANGING!

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever – (Now featuring Team Ripper-themed t-shirts!)]

The Vampire Diaries’ Ripper Redux – Part II (a.k.a. Stefan’s “I’m Freaking HUNGRY!” Moment)

Greeting Fangbangers!  Those of you who have visited this blog before, know that I’m obsessed with a little episode of TVD called “Miss Mystic Falls;” and that I am, specifically, enamored with a certain Very Erotic Mating Dance that takes place during the hour .  . .

But what you might not know, is that I am equally obsessed with ANOTHER scene that takes place during the episode . . . one that is as dark and disturbing, as the above scene is romantic and enchanting.  And yet, in its own way, this second scene is arguably just as seductive . . .

In this week’s installment of The Ripper Redux, my brilliant (not to mention, hilarious) blogging pal, Amy (over at Imaginary Men) and I, have analyzed every tantalizing morsel of what is, arguably, one of Stefan’s most deliciously dark moments of The Vampire Diaries‘ groundbreaking first season.  You can read the post in its entirety, by clicking on the link below . . . IF YOU DARE!

The Vampire Diaries’ Ripper Redux – A look back at some of the most pivotal scenes in Ripper Stefan Canon (Part II)

(By the way, for those of you who missed Part I of this series, featuring Damon’s and Stefan’s going through “The Change,” worry not!  You can still check that out, right on this blog, by clicking HERE.)

So, what are we waiting for TVD fans?  Let’s see what Stefan’s got hiding underneath that Nice Guy Vampire Costume, he always seems to be wearing . . .

And be sure to stop back on THIS blog, next week, when Amy and I analyze Ripper Stefan’s notoriously evil flashback moments from Season 2’s “The Dinner Party.”

See you, then! 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

How Britney Spears saved the world (well . . . at least McKinley High) – A Recap of Glee’s “Britney / Brittany”

First, let me start by saying how INSANELY happy I am that Glee has made it cool, again (at least, temporarily), to listen to Britney Spears music!  Because . . . and I’m going to come out and say it right now . . . I’m a BIG FAN!  You know, people can say whatever they want about Britney.  For example, they might comment on her poor taste in men . . .

. . . uninspired fashion choices . . .

. . . or her “Toxic” relationship with the media . . .

But, even the HATERS have to admit, her music gets toes tapping and pelvis’ gyrating, like nobody’s business! 

When I first heard that Glee was doing a Britney-themed episode, I was so excited, that I took the liberty of jotting down some song ideas for the cast.  Some of those songs actually ended up in the episode. 

Others did not. 

Here are a few that, for whatever reason, didn’t make the cut.

1) Womanizer

Premise: Now that she’s baby-free and single, Puck wants back in the Febray Pantalones, pronto.  However, Quinn’s seen the way her former beau acts around the women who’s pools he cleans . . .

. . . and she’s not quite convinced he has the “staying power” for a long-term relationship.

2) Lucky

Premise: Quinn Febray and Santana Lopez — every girl wants to be them, and every guy wants to do them.  But not even popularity can cure a lonely heart.

3) Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman

Premise: Emma comes to clean to new beau, Carl Howell, about her Energizer Bunny-esque virgin status . . .

4) Circus

Premise: It’s Sue Sylvester’s world.  The rest of us just live in it . . .

5) If You Seek Amy . . .

Premise: Brittany’s hidden feelings for Coach Beiste cause her to explore the true nature of her sexuality.

6) Oops, I did it again . . .

Premise: Despite being involved in a very serious relationship with Mike Chang, Tina comes to the conclusion that she may have unwittingly been leading on her ex-beau, Artie.

7) Drive Me Crazy

Premise: See explanation above.

So, now that we’ve covered some of the Britney songs we DIDN’T hear on this week’s Glee, let’s talk about the ones we did.  When the episode opens, Mr. Schuester is leading the kids in a discussion about what he would like this week’s theme to be:  Easy Listening Music.  (Ugh!  What a lame episode THAT would be . . .).  Not quite down with his Kenny G or Michael Bolton, Kurt . . .

 . . . has a better idea.  He suggests the crew perform a Britney Spears song at the homecoming pep rally.  Will says, “Absolutely NOT!”

Will considers Britney to be a “bad influence,” just because she “shaved her head” and “tried to bash in the headlights of a car with an umbrella.”  (Seriously, lighten up, Will.  I mean, who HASN’T done that, at least once.  Right?)  Most of the Glee kids bitch and moan about Wet Blanket Will’s Anti- Britney proclamation.  However, to everyone’s surprise, Brittany agrees with his decision.

Apparently, having the name “Brittany S. Pearce” has given our girl quite the inferiority complex.  No matter how many times, she’s propositioned K-Fed for sex, shaved her head, or called Matt Lauer for an “exclusive interview,” Brittany has just never quite been able to live up to the legacy of the songstress with whom she shares her name.  I feel your pain Britney.  My name used to be Maddy O. Na . . .

Meanwhile, for reasons that didn’t quite make sense to me, Will invited Emma’s new dentist boyfriend Carl Howell (John Stamos) to talk to his Glee clubbers about the importance of dental hygiene.

An impromptu teeth investigation, reveals that SOME Glee kids have been SERIOUSLY neglecting their chompers.  The worst of these offenders, by far, is Brittany, who “never brushes her teeth” and “gargles soda after every meal because she thinks Dr. Pepper is a real doctor.”  It’s a wonder this girl has any teeth left at all!

Because Crest is for weenies . . .

Over at Dr. Howell’s office, America’s Sexiest Dentist demonstrates preferences for (1) knocking out ALL of his patients with anesthesia (even if they are just having their cavities filled, or getting a “killer” bleach job); and (2) rocking out to Britney Spears, while he works.  Under the influence of  some pretty heavy drugs, Brittany fantasizes herself right into a Britney Spears’ video . . . or should I say a “Brittany S. Pearce” video.  In the video, Brittany sings “Slave 4 u” (Who knew actress Heather Morris had such amazing pipes?  Why hasn’t she been given a solo sooner?), while rocking some of her namesake’s choicest outfits . . .

 . . . or lack thereof.

When Brittany awakens from her stupor, she has a few less cavities, and a completely altered outlook on life.  “Are you a cat?”  She asks Uncle Jesse from Full House.

“How could she possibly find out my secret?  I’ve never told ANYONE!”

Later, Brittany returns to the dentist with Santana, who, despite having perfect teeth, insists on being put under, so that she too can have a Britney Spears-themed hallucination.  Dr. Howell, who is starting to eerily resemble Michael Jackson’s Doctor Conrad Murray,  more and more, with every second of airtime (R.I.P. MJ!), reluctantly complies.  The two besties, SHARE a fantasy, in which they both perform Me Against the Music.  Santana takes on the Madonna role . . .

. . . with Brittany, of course, filling the Britney Spears part . . .

Fans who were hoping for a MTV Movie Awards-style smooch between the two young ingenues . . .

 . . . ended up being sorely disappointed here.

However, the fantasy did end with a nice cameo appearance from Britney Spears, herself, in which she told Brittany that the cheerleader was sweet, and (despite NEVER BRUSHING HER TEETH) actually had really good breath.

“Pssst, I’m only saying that to get my Dr. Pepper endorsement money.”

The next day at Glee Club, a newly confident Brittany announces that she is more talented than Britney Spears (and Rachel Berry). Therefore, she now wishes to sing ALL the club’s solos.

Kurt notes wryly, that Britney Spears music has given Brittany the confidence she needed to wake up from her dimwitted, seemingly lifelong, haze.  But Will STILL refuses to let the Glee kids perform a Spears song at Homecoming.  In his trademark diva fashion, Kurt overdramatically accuses Will of being too “friggin uptight” .  . .

As a result of his outburst, Kurt gets sent to Useless Principal Figgins’ office.

“Hey!  At least I didn’t (1) cut your funding; (2) threaten to cancel Glee club; or (3) take Sue’s side in an argument against you, this week.”

Unfortunately for Will, Dentist / Wanna Be Shrink, Dr. Carl  TOTALLY agrees with Kurt, about the whole “being too uptight” thing.

Carl can tell just how tightly wound Will is, by how much he grinds his teeth.  His “loosening up” advice to Will?  Eat lots of sugary candy, and buy a fast sports car you can’t afford.  (OK.  I’m going to say it.  This guy is officially the WORST DENTIST EVER!)

Now, given his estimated age (early 30’s?), Will should, theoretically, still be about a decade away from a proper Mid-Life Crisis.  However, that doesn’t stop our favorite teacher from purchasing the same “rad sports car” his dentist has, and using it to try to win back Emma.  Unfortunately for him, she is unimpressed . . .

To make matter’s worse, Will’s ex-wife / permanent cock block, Terri .  . .

. . . randomly stops by to warn Will that, if he keeps this up, he won’t be able to afford the weekly support payment he’s required to mail her by law.  And this BIATCH still thinks she’s getting Will back?  Man, I hope Mr. Schuester is not that massive of a MORON . . . However,  I fear he might be.

Sorry, Schue!  You know I meant that in the nicest way possible.  Don’t you?

Meanwhile, Finn is stressing over the fact that having been kicked off the football team, makes him officially “uncool.”

But Rachel, who has always been uncool, thinks this is GREAT NEWS.  “I want to be the only thing that makes you happy.  You know the two of us can only work out, if we are both losers . . . Now, I won’t have to decide what song to sing at your bedside, when you are in a coma.”

Ahhh, such romantic words!  It’s a wonder, Finn doesn’t bone her right there in the hallway!

During her turn in the dentist chair, Rachel has a vision of herself as the Sweet, but Secretly Slutty, school girl in Spears’ debut video Hit Me Baby, One More Time.  “Is this real life?”  Rachel slurs woozily, upon awakening from her anesthetized haze . . .

Apparently, in “real life,” McKinley High School has NO DRESS CODE, whatsover.  Because, the next day, Rachel decides to wear the outfit in question, FOR REAL.

The whole school ADORES Rachel’s new look.  And Finn, though obviously titillated, is also more than a bit jealous of the attention his girlfriend is receiving, as a result.  “This isn’t like that time I dressed all ‘Sad Clown’ Sandy from Grease,” insists Rachel.

Really?  Because it seemed EXACTLY like that, to me.

Rachel explains that Britany Spears has finally helped her to realize that she is beautiful, and can, therefore, dress like a whore, without repercussions.

Now that everyone thinks Rachel is a TOTAL Ho-bag, she is suddenly very popular.  Therefore, she finds it totally OK for Finn to rejoin the football team . . . if he can.

Later that day, Sue Sylvester contacts Will to warn him of the dangers posed by teens’ excessive consumption of Britney Spears.

“Oops . .  . I . . . did it again — made a weird ‘O’ face at the camera”

Sue then recounts the depraved tale of Jacob  . . .

Sorry!  Wrong one . . .

 That’s him!

. . . whose intense lust over the newly slutty Rachel, resulted in him sitting naked in the school library, fantasizing about her.

 . . . and, while it was a funny scene, the description of the “naked butt sweat stain” Jacob left on Sue’s office chair, was just a bit much . . . I think .  . .

Meanwhile, Artie’s dentist chair-fueled hallucination, which featured him as a football player, alternatingly lifting weights and glaring at Tina, while singing Britney’s iconic song “Stronger”  . . .

 . . . somehow resulted in his and Finn being invited by Coach Beiste to join (and in Finn’s case, rejoin) the football team.

I know.  It didn’t make sense to me either.  The song was fun, though!

Upon hearing the news, Rachel — who has since shifted back to wearing Grandma clothes, and fears that Finn’s refound popularity will be the death knell for their relationship — offers Finn an ultimatum.  Football or her!

I’m still waiting for the episode where Rachel tries to become a cheerleader and / or a football player.  Everyone else in the club has . . .

This time, when Kurt makes his umpteenth speech about how Britney Spears is a positive influence on the Glee clubbers, Will surprises them all by saying “Yes,” to his request that they perform a Britney song at Homecoming . . .

Did I mention that WILL will be performing the number WITH THEM?

In a performance that’s very cool, but a bit creepy, in the “Will sort of fondles his underage students” kind of way, the Glee kids (“fresh off their last place finish at sectionals”) perform Toxic, at the pep rally.

The performance drives the teenybopper crowd SO wild,  that Sue is forced to pull the fire alarm.  Her impulsive move ends up only resulting in more chaos.  Sue, gets trampled and sprains her neck.  Meanwhile, Jacob grabs some guy’s ass and gets punched in the face.  When its all over, Sue, now sporting a neckbrace, threatens to sue Will for his part in the “School Sex Riot,” using her new lawyer, the ubiquitous, Gloria Allred.

Do I smell another Very Special Guest Star?

Sue also notes, quite accurately, I think, that Will owns more vests than the cast of Blossom . . .

90’s television at its finest!

Later, Emma tells Will that he shouldn’t try to change himself, because he’s “wonderful just the way he is.”  (Yeah, she TOTALLY still wants him to cash in her V card . . .  Don’t you DARE deny it, you Unpopped Cherry, YOU!).  Inspired by Emma’s words, near the end of the episode, Schuester trades in his fancy car for the old jalopy he cried in during Season 1.  He then watches glumly, as Emma rides off into the sunset with Uncle Jesse from Full House.

In the final moments of the episode, Rachel, realizing that she has, once again, been a TOTAL ass (as she generally is EVERY episode), dedicates a beautiful interpretation of Paramore’s “Only Exception” to Finn, who she loves dearly, and is going to let stay on the football team, after all.

So, what if Rachel only came to her senses, after manipulating Quinn to seduce Finn — thereby testing the latter’s loyalty to his and Rachel’s burgeoning relationship.   We’ve all gotta start somewhere, right?

Be sure to tune in next week, when Finn becomes all “born-again,” after Jesus appears to him, in his morning toast . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

Glee’s Noah “Puck” Puckerman – Yet Another Addition to My Ever-Growing List of Current Television Boyfriends . . .

“I don’t care that you are giving me the ‘LOSER’ sign right now. I am still in love with you . . .”

Wednesday nights are currently television-lite for me.  I don’t have any shows to recap, which saddens me a bit (but probably improves upon my ever-dwindling sleep schedule – Recaps take a LONG time to write!).  It also causes me to get a bit nostalgic for a time, not too long ago, when Wednesday night television, literally rocked!  Of course, I am talking about one of my favorite new shows of last year – GLEE!.   

This cheese-tastic, 80’s and 90’s loving, musical powerhouse graced my television set, every Wednesday night, from May through November of 2009.  It took only one episode, for me to become a total “Gleek”.  During those fun-filled prime time hours, it wouldn’t be at all unusual to find me bopping around the apartment like a drunk girl at a bar, singing at the top of my lungs, or clapping and hooting when the first bars of songs I recognized were played on screen.  After the first season finale aired, my typical television withdrawal-fueled depression was tempered, only by the fact that I now have EVERY song ever aired on the show in high rotation on my iPod.

Musical obsessions aside, one of the major draws of the show, for me, anyway, came by way of a certain mohawk-wearing, bad boy jock, with the body of an Adonis, and a last name that sounds like a kiss.

Here are 10 reasons, that I have decided to elevate Noah “Puck” Puckerman to fake boyfriend status:

(1) Mohawk Man: Puck sports a hairstyle that went out of style around the time that I was born.  But he makes it look GOOD!

Nice try, Vanilla Ice.  But SOME things should be left back in the ’80s,  where they belong . . .

(2) Varsity Boy: Puck is a total, card-carrying, jock.  This  means, as his faux-girlfriend, I get to wear his slightly oversized varsity jacket, when we go out on dates . . .

(Personal sidenote – Back in high school, I was on the track team, and actually had my own varsity jacket.  This didn’t stop me from secretly hoping that the right high school athlete would let me wear his . . . )

(3) Underdog: Puck spent most of the first season on the unrequited end of a love triangle.  In my book, brooding men, who want what they can’t have, are a total turn on . . .

(4) Father Figure:  Rather than run away screaming (as many lesser men would do), Puck has shown that he’s willing to step up the plate and help Quinn to raise their baby.  He even raised money to help her to pay for her medical bills.  So what, if that meant getting all the kiddies high, by selling them pot brownies?

That just means he’s a good cook!

(5) Abs-haver:

If I even have to explain this to you, you have no business reading this blog . . .

(6) Shalom Sayer:  Puck is Jewish.  And it is high time that television portrayed Abraham’s people as something more than math geeks and mama’s boys . . .

Say what?  You didn’t know Jews were cool?  Have all 80 installments of my Hanukah song taught you nothing?

(7) Non-Perv Maker: Sure, Puck is only in high school.  But the actor who plays him, Mark Salling, is a twenty-something, like me.  This makes me feel WAY less guilty for drooling over him.  The fact that he and I could date in real life, without me (a)  being mistaken for his mother; or (b) being charged with a crime, is a definite selling point for our make-believe relationship.

(8) Renaissance Man: Puck plays three different sports at the varsity level, cleans pools, bakes brownies,  sexts like a champ, sings AND plays guitar.  Is there anything this guy CAN’T do?

. . . currently working to single-handedly solve the Health Care Crisis.

(9) He doesn’t mind getting dirty . . .

Hint, hint, wink, wink . . .

(10) He gave me this . . .

Need I say more?

Glee returns to Fox on Tuesday, April 13th.  Watch with me.  But keep your mitts off Puck, OK?  He’s MINE!