(It occurred to me, while I was doing research for this post — which, mind you, I had been planning to write since LAST NIGHT — that everybody and their mother already beat me to this idea. There go my delusions of “originality! But, am I going to let that stop me from reinventing the wheel? HECK NO!)
Unless you’ve been living under a rock this past week, you are probably already aware of the following: (1) the 83rd Annual Academy Awards aired this past Sunday; (2) Anne Hathaway and James Franco co-hosted the show; (3) for their efforts, they received
HORRIBLE humiliatingly bad resoundingly negative not very good mixed reviews.
ANNE: “Lay off, OK?! It wasn’t my fault! James was stoned off his ass, and sleeping backstage, the ENTIRE TIME! You think I kept saying ‘WOOOOOHOOO!’ for every presenter, because I’m just some a dorky fangirl, who can’t keep her sh*t together? NO! I was trying to WAKE THAT MOTHERF&*KER UP!”
JAMES: “Yo, Anne could you quiet down! I can’t concentrate on my tweeting, with you yelling like that . . .That and I’m SERIOUSLY hungover!”
While the execution may have been flawed, I still believe that the Academy’s idea of choosing two fresh, yet familiar, faces to host the year’s most prestigious award show this year, was an inspired one. For this reason, I have tasked myself with coming up with five celebrity pairings, each of whom, I believe, would be well-suited for the admittedly formidable challenge of Oscar Hosting. So, without further adieu, here are my selections (in no particular order):
(1) Sandra Bullock and Robert Downey Jr.
Americans love a good survival story. And there are no two bigger survivors in Hollywood than Sandra Bullock and Robert Downey Jr. She endured a painful divorce from a TOTAL wanker (who cheated on her with some tatted-up Nazi skank uggo) won an Oscar, and adopted a baby boy, all in the SAME YEAR! He battled drug and alcohol addiction throughout the first thirty or so years of his life. He then spent four years rotating in and out of jail on drug charges, only to become clean in 2001. Since then, Robert Downey Jr.’s career experienced a remarkable resurgence – one which made available to him a treasure trove of roles any actor would sell their soul for.
But none of this would matter, if Sandra and Robert weren’t the kind of people we could stand to watch on television for three hours straight, without getting nauseous. Fortunately, both celebrities possess inherent charm, poise, intelligence, dry wit, and my personal favorite, matching self-depracating senses of humor. All of the aforementioned qualities, in my opinion are ESSENTIAL for a good Oscar host. But don’t take my word for it. See for yourself!
Did I mention Robert Downey Jr. looks wicked HOT in a tux? 😉
(2) George Clooney and Matt Damon
Nobody does Hollywood Royalty, like George Clooney and Matt Damon. Having starred in four movies together, and having endured countless hours of interviews and press junkets, sitting side-by-side with one another, these two seriously sexy men, have a bromance that is simply unparallelled in the movie industry (well . . . except for, perhaps, the bromance between Matt Damon and Ben Affleck).
Everybody loves Matt and George. And they love eachother. The wry barbs, adorable smirks, witty banter, and mild to moderately homoerotic ass slaps that would inevitably result, if these two were to host the Oscars together, would certainly be worth enduring a few lame acceptance speeches and stale musical performances for, right?
Oh, and if they could do a reprise of the “I’m F*&king Matt Damon” song, so much the better. (I’m sure the censors would just LOVE that!)
(3) Tina Fey and Jon Hamm
To succeed as an Oscar host, it is not enough to simply be likeable, or funny, or charming, you also have to have good material. And solid material requires GOOD WRITING. So, what better person to host the Oscars than one of the best comedic writers in the industry? Having spent years, writing for Saturday Night Live, and now 30 Rock, Tina Fey definitely has what it takes to write a solid Oscar monologue. Plus, her stand-up comedic experience has made her a whiz at ad-libbing. Of course, this is a crucial skill to have on Oscar night, when the teleprompter goes down, or the microphone stops working, or Melissa Leo drops the F-bomb . . .
As for Jon Hamm, well the man is gorgeous, for one thing . . . and surprisingly modest, especially considering just how gorgeous he is. Jon is also a real stand-up guy — one who’s not afraid to be goofy, or make a bit of an ass of himself. He even knows how to DANCE (sort of). Being able to boogie certainly can’t hurt, especially if you are an Oscar host saddled with a ridiculously cheesy musical number . . .
Hamm demonstrated both his comedic timing, and his chemistry with Tina Fey, during the actor’s guest stint on 30 Rock. But it is the couple’s adorable debut as 2009 Emmy Presenters that really convinces me that these two have what it takes to be amazing 2012 Oscar hosts.
(4) Nathan Lane and Jane Lynch
The Oscars are nothing if not theatrical. And my next two celebrities have theatricality up to their expertly plucked eyebrows! Nathan Lane is comedic actor, who got his start on Broadway, and has brought his larger-than-life persona and musical talents to films ranging from The Bird Cage to The Lion King to The Producers. You can’t help but laugh, everytime Nathan Lane is working his magic on the stage or screen. He also looks pretty amazing in drag . . . which is a HUGE PLUS, during the Awards season.
Jane Lynch has also had a long-standing comedic film career that began on the stage. Of course, now, we know her best as the prickly and unabashedly evil cheerleading coach, Sue Sylvester, on Glee. Can you just imagine all the delightfully evil barbs targeted against Hollywood’s A-listers, Jane could get away with at the Oscars, if they were spoken in the context of an “As Sue Sees It” News Broadcast?
(Oh, and if Nathan and Jane could, at some point, during the ceremony belt out a duet to my favorite Disney tune “Hakuna Matata,” I would be a VERY HAPPY CAMPER!)
(5) Rico Rodriguez and Sofia Vergara
You want YOUNG Oscars, Academy? Well, it doesn’t get much younger than Rico Rodriguez! This pint-sized tot from Modern Family has already earned his stripes, both hosting Red Carpet Events, and tackling press junkets and interviews like a champ.
See what I mean? Dude brings the funny! And he brings it HARD! Book him NOW, before puberty hits!
It should be noted that Rico has fantastic chemistry with his TV mommy — the smokin sexy, Sofia Vergara. Vergara’s sassy sensibility and adorable accent make absolutely everything she says hilarious. Case in point:
Oscar telecasts, as we all know, have a tendency to get a bit long and dry, particularly during their final hours. What better way to spice things up a bit, than with a little sultry Latin Flavor?
And, hey, even if things DON’T go well for these two as hosts, you could probably get at least an hour’s worth of material out of jokes about Rico’s age and height, and one about Sofia’s accent and bountiful . . . busom. You can’t say that about Steve Martin or Billy Crystal!
So, there you have it, my top five picks to host the 2012 Oscars. What are YOURS?