OMFG? Not so much . . . – The Top Ten “Been There, Seen That” Teen Television Cliches (Part 1 of 2)

It is probably no secret to anyone who has ever stopped by this blog before (or even just examined the above “collage”), that I am a sucker for Trash-tastic Teen Television.  I have been a fan of these types of shows since the age of eight.  That was when I first decided that I desperately wanted to be a teen.  And I have no doubt that I will remain a fan, long after I have cruised past “old age,” and am forced to squint through my coke bottle glasses, and smile through my dentures, at the sight of some pipsqueaks (who bear a suspicious resemblance to my grandkids) attending prom on my small screen.

“That is one hot threesome.  Oh, when I think back to my first threesome . . . ah memories!”

Having been around the “teenage television” block quite a bit since my eighth birthday, I have come to notice a few patterns among my favorite teen dramas.  Over the years, I have watched in wonder, as certain storylines traveled across decades,  time zones, and networks, just to reach my lowly television set, over and over (and over and over) again . . .  So I’ve decided to investigate these storylines, in hopes of FINALLY figuring out what makes them so “gosh darn special!”

1) “Hit me with a baby, one more time!” – The Pregnancy Scare and/or Actual Pregnancy Plotline

The Storyline: Our teen female protagonist has sex . . . usually for the first time.  Her partner is either a long, LONG time boyfriend, with whom she has been discussing doing the deed for the ENTIRE season . . .

 Or, conversely, he is a one night-stand, who she (a) barely knows; or (b) seemingly despises.  There is never any in between. 

In the very next scene, our protagonist learns that she has missed her period.  She is FLIPPING THE F&CK OUT!

She keeps her discovery a secret from everyone, except for her best friend.  And the best friend is inevitably the one who convinces the protagonist to take the pregnancy test.

Regardless of the pregnancy test’s ultimate result, inevitably there comes a time when our protagonist has to have “The Discussion” with “The Maybe Baby Daddy.” 

 Sometimes, he takes it well . .  . usually, he doesn’t . . . at least, not at first.

Now, if the protagonist ends up not being pregnant . . . well then . . . THAT’S IT!  Our protagonist is RELIEVED!  She feels brand NEW!  She’s CHANGED!

She will pretend this whole little sweeps week episode never happened (or, in the case of Manny Santos, and Degrassi, the U.S. will pretend this whole episode never happened . . . by NOT AIRING IT, until about 3 years after it was actually filmed).  However, if our protagonist IS pregnant . . . we get stuck with a baby storyline for ALL ETERNITY (or at least it will seem that way  . . .)!

Examples: Brenda on 90210 (not actually pregnant); Andrea on 90210 (actually pregnant / had baby / raised baby); Summer on The O.C. (not actually pregnant); Manny on Degrassi: The Next Generation (actually pregnant / had abortion); Liberty on Degrassi: The Next Generation (pregnant / had baby / gave baby up for adoption); Emma on Degrassi: The Next Generation (not actually pregnant / feeling left out because EVERYONE else on her show actually was); Blair on Gossip Girl (not actually pregnant);  Georgina on Gossip Girl (To Be Determined?); Amy on Secret Life of the American Teenager (actually pregnant / had baby / is raising baby); Quinn on Glee (actually pregnant / had baby / gave baby up for adoption).

Why it’s a cliche?

“Hey there, boys and girls!  I’ve got a message for you!  Premarital sex is BAAAAAAAAD!”

Teen television programs tend to be written by adults.  And even the most hip and forward thinking adults, don’t like to think about their 15-year old kids f*c*ing eachother’s brains out like bunny rabbits on acid. 

So they ever so subtly try to scare the crap out of their kids, by showing them how having sex once can RUIN THEIR LIVES FOREVER!  It doesn’t really work . . .

This storyline is SO overdone that precisely NO ONE is shocked or dismayed by the prospect of a female protagonist  . . . missing her period.  Hey writers, want to REALLY scare your kids celibate?  Give your television characters crabs. 

That will permanently glue your teen’s legs shut for sure!

2) “OH NO!  You killed .  . . what’s his name again?” – The Death of the Peripheral Character Plotline

 

The Storyline:  There is this recurring character on your favorite show that has becoming increasingly annoying, of late. 

You can’t quite put your finger on it, but you just think the character really sucks. 

And you can’t wait for him or her to leave your television screen ALONE! 

You spend WAY too much time bashing this minor character on online message boards, and in snarky recaps of the show.  In those messages, you may or may not beg the show’s writers for said character’s untimely demise. 

Then the character actually DIES. 

And you’re secretly happy that you got what you wanted. 

But NOW you’re convinced you are very sh*tty person.  Because, REALLY, what kind of nice, normal person is HAPPY when someone dies, real or fake?  Even though very few of the characters on your show seemed to like this character any more than you did, while he was alive, they all make a big show of mourning and /or having a funeral for him or her.  

Your favorite character will inevitably give the eulogy for this character.  And it will be all warm, and fuzzy, and heartfelt . . . and, of course, totally depressing. 

And YOU will surprise yourself by crying like a baby when you watch it (probably out of guilt for openly hating the character so much . . . or . . .  maybe the scene just reminds you of a dead relative).  After the episode airs, the show’s entire cast will COMPLETELY forget that this dead character ever existed . . .

Examples: Scott on 90210, Abby on Dawson’s Creek; Rick on Degrassi: The Next Generation, Johnny on The O.C., that dude Serena supposedly “killed” on Gossip Girl, Percy and Reed on Grey’s Anatomy (not technically a teen show, but still . . .), Vicki on The Vampire Diaries

Why it’s a cliche?  The “Very Special” Dead Person episode of any teen show is sure to be a ratings grabber, no matter how unlikeable the soon-to-be dead character was before he met his demise.  Plus, killing any character on their show (even if it’s just a one-episode guest star) allows producers to run that oh-so-original . . . “SOMEBODY WILL DIE!” promo the week before their episode airs, and you know how ALL producers LOVE that promo! 

3) “Hot for Teacher!” – The Inappropriate Student / Teacher Relationship Plotline

The Storyline:  The protagonist has a crush on his or her very attractive (yet obviously lonely, and very desperate), teacher. 

The teacher makes a lame ass attempt to rebuff the protagonists affections, but fails miserably. 

Soon the student and the teacher are doing the horizontal mambo together in secret. 

Someone always finds out.  Someone always exposes them for the sluts they both are. 

It always ends badly . . .

Examples: Pacey and Miss Jacobs on Dawson’s Creek, Paige and Mr. O on Degrassi: The Next Generation, Dan and Miss Carr on Gossip Girl, Aria and Mr. Fitz on Pretty Little Liars

Why it’s a cliche?  Forbidden love is HOT!  And cougars are all the rage!  Plus, who HASN’T had a crush on one of their teachers and indulged in a naughty fantasy, or two (or twenty) involving same? 

 Mine was my freshman history teacher in high school.  He was pretty young, compared to most of my teachers at that time . . . probably in his mid-to-late twenties . . . and single.  Actually, he kind of looked like this . . .

 . . . only he was a wee bit older . . . and he generally wore shirts (unfortunately).  Coincidentally, Mr. Devlin, if your reading this . . . 😉

4) “Cheaters never win, and winners never . . . whatever.” – The Cheating on a Test / Plagiarism Plotline

Storyline: The protagonist REALLY needs to pass a particular test or ace a certain paper.  He or she is under a lot of external pressure to do so. 

 But something happens, so that he or she doesn’t have time to do the appropriate amount of studying and /or research.  He or she is tempted, upon receiving answers to the test or a pre-written paper, to . . . CHEAT!

The protagonist struggles with whether or not to enter into the dark evil world of “school crime,” but ultimately does. 

Because the character cheated, he or she does so well on the test or paper that his teacher inevitably wants to enter him or her in some national competition of some sort related to the aforementioned paper or test.  Smothered by guilt, the character eventually comes clean.  He or she then gets in trouble . . . 

But not in nearly as much trouble as the character would, if caught, in . . . say . . . the REAL WORLD . . .

“It can’t possibly be worse than when I got that awful haircut . . .”

Examples: Felicity on Felicity, Andie on Dawson’s Creek, Rusty on Greek, Lindsay and Daniel on Freaks and Geeks, Spencer on Pretty Little Liars

Why it’s a cliche?  One word:  schadenfreude.  You see, here’s the thing . . . every teen show has that one uptight overachieving character, who always gets A’s, is super judgmental of all of her “less brilliant” friends, and never seems to do anything wrong.  Admit it!  It’s kind of fun to see tight asses like that crack under the pressure . . .

Make that VERY fun!

5) “I’m gonna do real bad things to you .  . . and make you DO real bad things!”  – The “Bad Influence” Plotline

The Storyline: Our protagonist is going through kind of a “rough patch” in his or her life.  He or she is therefore looking to let loose, and have some sort of emotional and/or physical release.  In walks a character who is fun, adventurous, and more than a little dangerous. 

Our protagonist starts hanging out with the “dangerous” character a lot. 

(Click the internal link to watch!)

Before you know it, he or she is behaving just like the “dangerous” character, and getting into all sorts of trouble as a result.   

 The protagonists other friends are jealous of all the fun their typically boring protagonist is now having.  But they are also worried.  Inevitably, the moment comes when protagonist is about to get into a cr*p load of trouble with the “dangerous” character. 

 The friends stage an intervention of sorts. 

It works!

 The dangerous character rides away on the evil broomstick by which it came.  All is, once again, right (and boring) with the world . . .

Examples: Abby influencing Jen on Dawson’s Creek, Georgina influencing Serena on Gossip Girl, Damon influencing Caroline on The Vampire Diaries, “The Freaks” influencing Lindsay on Freaks and Geeks, that character Paul Wesley played on Everwood influencing Hannah on Everwood, that character Paul Wesley played on The O.C. influencing Ryan and Seth on The O.C.

Why it’s a cliche?  Everybody’s got a dark side.  Secretly, we all want to be a little “bad” sometimes.  The good news is that we can do it safely and vicariously, by watching our favorite “good” television characters “go bad,” albeit temporarily.  They have fun while doing it . . . and so do we, at least until their lame friends bring them back to earth.

Well, that’s all the teen television cliches I have for tonight.  But please tune in tomorrow, when I tackle love triangles, love-hate relationships, prom, the ever enlightening “trip to Europe,” and, of course, the dreaded ski trip  .  . .

Oh My Gaga! – A Recap of Glee’s “Theatricality”

  

OK.  I have a bit of a confession to make  . . . Here it goes . . . I’m not exactly a huge fan of Lady Gaga.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s not that I don’t think she’s sublimely talented.  I DO!  Much like her predecessor, Madonna, Lady Gaga is a masterful self-marketer.  The girl is constantly reinventing herself.  She, therefore, can keep her music relevant, in a fast-paced, quick-change, ADHD world.  She even made Hello Kitty, cool again!

It’s just that . . . how do I put this kindly . . . that girl scares the STUFFING OUT OF ME!  I think it started when she made that bizarro Paparazzi video.  You know, the one where she dressed up like a depraved, totally effed up, version of Minnie Mouse  . . .

. . . and KILLED an eyepatch-wearing Alexander Skarsgard!

I DON’T UNDERSTAND!  I thought vampires were supposed to be IMMUNE to poison!

In fact, up until last night ;), the ONLY version of Poker Face residing on my iPod was Chris Daughtry’s acoustic cover of the song (which, if you’ve never heard it before, is AWESOME, in my humble opinion.)

This was all, of course, BEFORE I watched last night’s episode of Glee, which, I’ll admit, left me a bit “gaga” for Gaga.  Let’s recap, shall we?

Tina Dresses “Goth” / Has Parents Who Hate Kristen Stewart .  . .

When the episode begins, Principal Figgins is berating Tina, for what he describes as her “goth vampire” style of dressing.  Now, I’m going to have to disagree with him here.  I wouldn’t classify Tina’s look as goth or vampire!  It’s actually more ’80’s punk, than anything else . . .

Discrepancy aside, the opening scene was pure WIN for me, because it (1) gave the often-underused Jenna Ushkowitz an opportunity to show off her comedic chops; (2) exposed Principal Figgin’s deep-seated fear of vampires (This will undoubtedly come in handy later.) . . .

 . . . and (3) included some light Kristen Stewart bashing (“My parents think Kristen Stewart is a bitch,” says Tina)

 .  . . which, as far as I’m concerned, NEVER gets old!  (Just keep on toking, Bella Swan!)

Anyway, Mr. Schuester . . .

 . . . inspired by his outrage over Principal Figgins refusal to let Tina dress the way she wants (Speaking of which, don’t YOU wish that you had a cute teacher to personally accompany YOU, and hold YOUR hand, everytime YOU got in trouble?), decides to give the Gleeks a Gaga-inspired assignment.  In order to complete the assignment, the crew would be required to (1) dress-up really weird; and (2) sing a song by This Week’s Musical Sponsor either Lady Gaga or Kiss.

Rachel Confronts Her Bio Mom / Wears a Dress Made of Suicidal Beanie Babies . . .

While spying on their chief rivals, Vocal Adrenaline . . .

 (which reminds me, WHERE WAS JESSE THIS WEEK?  And, no, you can’t say, “on vacation,” like you did to explain his absence two weeks ago, Glee!  Because NO ONE gets that much off time in high school!  Not even local celebrities who recently transferred into the school, solely to bring about a mother / daughter reunion.  You know what?  I smell a little neglect here!  I’m calling CHILD SERVICES!”)

See? He’s wandering the streets of New York City ALONE! And probably panhandling!  And quite possibly getting involved in prostitution!  Have his parents no shame?

 . . . but I digress . . .

So, while Rachel, Quinn and Mercedes are spying on Vocal Adrenaline’s sectional rehearsals, they catch it’s coach randomly belting out her own rendition of Barbara Streisand’s Funny Girl to show off illustrate to her students the importance of theatricality.  Upon hearing the song, Rachel instantly recognizes Shelby’s voice as that of her mother (who she recently heard singing on a tape Jesse gave her).  Rachel then immediately confronts Shelby, informing her, right in front of her class, that she is in fact, her daughter.

That would certainly explain the uncanny resemblance . . .

And I have to say, for someone who went through the trouble of having one of her prize students SWITCH SCHOOLS to make sure Rachel learned her true identity, Shelby didn’t seem all that happy to have been found.  In fact, on first meeting, Shelby was downright COLD to Rachel, refusing to sit in the same row as her in the auditorium, while the two engaged in their first “heart-to-heart.”

What a TOTAL WITCH!

Rachel is so distraught over the awkward encounter, that she comes to school wearing a dress made of STAPLED BEANIE BABIES. (Stuffed animal abuse, anyone?) .  The outfit is so hideous, that not even the beanie babies want to be a part of it.  They’s rather jump to their DEATHS, instead. 

 “Annnnnd  . . . we have a jumper!”  Kurt quips, as a frog beanie baby successfully escapes Rachel’s dress, only to, mere moments later, meet an untimely death on the choir room floor!

R.I.P. “Legs!”  We hardly knew, ye!

After the rest of the group is done bashing on Poor Rachel, the Girls (and Kurt) peform their portion of Mr. Schuester’s assignment, a fun and flashy cover of Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance.”   And while I couldn’t find a clip of the crew performing the song on the show, I was able to find a decent recording of the Glee cast performing the number LIVE on Tour in Los Angeles.  (Just take what you see, and imagine it with MORE cast close-ups, and a bit less “shaky cam.”)

(Thanks so much for sharing this with us, YuckFoutube!)

I think my favorite part of the whole song is when Kurt (Chris Colfer) belts out, “Because I’m a freak, BABY!”  (Classic!)

You might have noticed, that in the video, Lea Michelle, who plays Rachel, is wearing an outfit that is decidedly NOT the Suicidal Beanie Baby Dress I screencapped for you, above.  That is because, in the scene following her performance, Mommy Not-So-Dearest, Shelby, actually does something NICE for a change, by hooking Rachel up with a Gaga-inspired outfit that doesn’t include on it a bevy of warning labels, about babies accidentally swallowing foreign objects . . .

You know, if it didn’t have that weapon-esque jagged edge sticking out the side of it, I might ACTUALLY wear something like this . . .

After receiving some REALLY BAD advice from Mr. Schuester, Witchy Shelby decides to, more or less, “break-up” with her long lost daughter.  Her rationale for doing so seemed really warped to me . . . something about Rachel being TOO OLD to start a relationship with.  (Ummm, yeah, because 16 is positively ANCIENT!) 

Happy Sweet 16, Rachel!  Did you remember to put on your Depends?

However, I’m thinking that Shelby’s asshat actions were little more than a plot device, aimed toward ensuring that Mother and Daughter have an emotional and permanent reunion, come Season Finale time.  Therefore, I will refrain from calling Shelby too many evil names, just yet . . .

As a parting, “I’m sorry for being the Worst Mother Ever,” gift, Shelby offers Rachel a cup . . . with a star on it . . . for in case she gets “thisty.”

I know, I know . . . It didn’t look like this . . . I’m trying to make a not-so-subtle point here, OK?

You see, if Shelby DOESN’T reunite with Rachel in the Season Finale, I’m willing to bet that the next time “Thirsty Rachel” uses her “star cup,” is on her twenty-first birthday, when she totes it along with her, in her purse, on her bar crawl.  And with each of the 21 shots she pours into it, she will raise her glass, and SING, in an increasingly inebriated manner “F-U Mommy!”

My personal anger at Shelby aside, I must admit that the Mother-Daughter duet to Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” was the second most poignant moment in the entire episode.  (I’ll get to the MOST poignant, in just a bit.)  Aside from Idina Menzel and Lea Michelle having the most beautiful voices ON THE PLANET, I just loved how many layers this song had.  And how deft the two accomplished actresses were at subtly revealing them. 

On the surface, “Poker Face” is a light and fun song that uses the game of poker, as a thinly veiled metaphor for sexuality.  Shelby and Rachel have fun with this bawdy side to the song, smiling and winking at one another, during the particularly risque parts.  (Example: “I’m bluffin’ with my muffin . . .”)

On a deeper level, “Poker Face” is a song about hiding one’s true emotions, in order to protect onesself, a tactic we all use every once in a while, both in poker, and in life.  When Rachel sings the line, “She don’t wanna love nobody,” you can see the sadness in her face, as she recognizes her mother’s inability to provide her with the affection she needs.

Later when the women are singing, “I’m marvelous,” to one another,  we all know that isn’t really true, and that they are just saving face.  It’s heartbreaking to watch, yet beautiful at the same time.

Finn Experiments with Makeup / Calls Kurt the F- Word / Gets His Ass Handed to Him By Kurt’s Dad / Wears a Red Shower Curtain

Speaking of Misguided Mommies, Finn’s TOTALLY put him on the spot, by dragging him, eyes closed, to La Casa de Burt and Kurt, and informing him that he would be moving in there, RIGHT IN FRONT of Kurt and his dad!  To make matters even more awkward, Finn and Kurt were going to be sharing a room together . . . at age 16.  (A house with two-and-a-half-baths and NO GUEST ROOM!  What’s up with that, Burt?)

Then again, it does work for SOME people, I guess . . .

Back at school, Finn and the Glee boys get all decked out in full Kiss regalia and sing “Shout it Out Loud.”  A song I had NEVER heard before. 

Up until last night, I was familiar with precisely ONE Kiss song:  “Rock and Roll All Night.”  Now, I know two more (I’ll get to the second one in a bit).  Thanks for the education, Glee!

Finn and Kurt continue to bicker throughout most of the episode, regarding the respective merits of conformity versus individuality.  However, the poopy really hits the fan when Finn describes Kurt’s room decorations as “faggy,” and Kurt’s dad, Burt, overhears him.  Remember when I said, the scene between Shelby and Rachel was the SECOND most poignant scene in this episode?  Well, this was the first . . .

Kurt stands in the corner, arms wrapped protectively across his chest, barely holding back his tears, as he watches his “Man’s Man” father stand up for him, for the first time.  Burt tells Finn that by using those words, he is implying that homosexuality is something shameful and wrong.  Kurt flinches, as Burt explains that, when he was Finn’s age, he too used the term in a similarly derogatory manner.  Burt then expresses his disappointment in Finn, and unceremoniously kicks him out of the house, explaining, “I can’t have your poison here.”

After a cowed Finn stalks off, Burt turns to Kurt and tells him “[Your room] looks great.”

In a moment that got me all teary, Burt then places his hand on Kurt’s shoulder.  Kurt grabs it for a second, in silent thanks, then lets it go, as his father exits the room.  As far as I’m concerned, both Mike O’Malley, who plays Burt, and Chris Colfer, deserve Emmys for this scene.

To prove his loyalty to Kurt, and show that he’s learned his lesson about tolerating individuality, Finn protects Kurt from a couple of guys I will hereinafter refer to as “The Mean Boys” . . . (One of whom talks and gesticulates like a Poor Man’s Jerry Seinfeld . . .)

“What’s the deal with the name Lady Gaga?  I just don’t get it.  Is she a lady or a baby?”

Did I mention Finn stood up to the Mean Boys, while dressed like this?

Remember earlier, when I said that the “Minnie Mouse” costume was the most disturbing Lady Gaga costume EVER?  I stand corrected . . .

Puck Acts Like a Chauvinist / Feels Guilty About It / Sings a Sweet Song / Still Kind of Acts Like a Chauvinist / But Looks Really Hot Doing It

Awww, Puck!  Sweet ignornant Puck!  Don’t you know that naming your child after a brand of hard liquor pretty much guarantees that she will become an alcoholic later in life?

I mean, you might as well abandon her for 16-years, and then pop back into her life, only to give her a “Star Cup,” before leaving again . . .

Oooh, she looks really mad!  She might even send the Flying Monkeys after me!

Rather than be “thrilled” by Puck’s choice of baby name, as he suspected she would be, Quinn tells her Baby Daddy, in no uncertain terms, that she is giving up his kid to a family that WON’T name him after something that bears a warning label, specifically geared toward pregnant people.

Puck tries to make it up to her, by explaining that he had a bad home life.  Apparently, his father was too busy being “cool” to spend time with him.  Then, because this is Glee, after all.  He breaks into song.  The song he chooses is yet another Kiss song.  This one was called “Beth.”  And, like I said, I’d never heard another Kiss song, aside from “Rock and Roll all Night,” prior to the airing of this episode.  Except . . . something about this song, sounded SO FAMILIAR to me.  And I couldn’t figure out why.  Then, I remembered . . .

Remember that scene in the movie Role Models (which, if you haven’t seen it, you should skip this next paragraph, because I’m TOTALLY about to spoil the ending)?

It’s the scene after Paul Rudd, Sean William Scott, and those two kids win the LARPing competition (during which they all dressed up like Kiss, by the way . . . IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!)  Anyway, at the Larping After Party (Because you know how wild and crazy those LARPers can get!), Paul Rudd’s character, Danny Donahue, stands on a car, and sings a song to his girlfriend . . . who just so happens to be named BETH.  Yeah, this is the SAME SONG! 

 Glee just taught me all sorts of things I didn’t know, this week!

After the song, Puck approaches a teary-eyed Quinn, and offers to be present when their baby is born (Awww!).  He also DEMANDS that it be named Beth!

Now, don’t get me wrong.  Beth is a FABULOUS name for a baby girl.  But what the heck made Puck think that,  just because he sang ONE sweet song, that Quinn should be REQUIRED to name the baby after it?  Doesn’t SHE have a say in all this?  More importantly, don’t the ADOPTIVE PARENTS, who are going to  . . . you know . . . RAISE THE BABY, have a say?  WTF, Puck?

If you weren’t so sexy, I’d be REALLY mad at you right now!

Oh, and I almost forgot, the Principal ultimately allowed Tina to continue to dress like .  . . whatever it is she normally dresses like  . . . but only after she threatened to suck his blood, vampire style . . .

That’s all she wrote, folks!  In the words of Mr. Schuester, “Next stop, Sectionals!”

 

 

 

Separating the Men (and the Women) from the Babies – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Hook Line and Sinner”

This week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy was all about making choices.  The episode also featured a lot of “baby talk” . . .

  . . . and not nearly enough shirtlessness and/or sex for my taste . . .

A Shirtless Justin Chambers is a TERRIBLE thing to waste!

As is a Shirtless Jesse Williams, for that matter!

What choices did our characters make this week?  Let’s analyze, shall we?

To Grandpa, or Not to Grandpa . . .

In the past, Mark Sloan has been known throughout Seattle Grace as the Resident Man Child, a walking Mid-Life Crisis in Scrubs, if you will.  The moments he wasn’t in the operating room (and, let’s face it, we almost NEVER see this guy operate), Mark could typically be found trolling for women . . . .

 . . . making sexually suggestive (and slightly creepy) comments to anyone who would listen,

“Hey baby, did I ever tell you about the big yacht I own?  It’s IN MY PANTS!”

 . . . and starring in sex tapes with actresses and call girls . . .

(Oh, wait . . . that last one only happened in REAL life)

However, lately, viewers have begun to notice a “softer side” of Mark Sloan.  During the last few episodes, Mark has been toying with the idea of settling  into a serious relationship, and starting a family.  This idea was first brought to the forefront a few episodes back, when Mark’s long lost 18-year old daughter, who he heretofore never knew existed, arrived on the scene and announced she was pregnant.

Mark and his daughter (Little Sloan) had previously discussed Mark raising his grandchild on his daughter’s behalf.  However, Little Sloan got cold feet, and decided to put the baby up for adoption.  In the opening scenes of this episode, Little Sloan arrives on Mark’s doorstep about to give birth.   Fortunately for Little Sloan, Mark lives in Doctor Central.   So, she didn’t even need to go to the hospital to deliver her baby.   Dr. Teddy Altman . . .

 . . . (who Sloan just so happened to be screwing, while his daughter’s water was breaking all over his Welcome Mat), delivered the child, with nothing more than a pair of scissors and a bunch of towels.  Once the baby was born, a highly hormonal Little Sloan began to have second thoughts about giving it up for adoption. 

And despite the fact that Little Sloan had Bad Mommy written all over her (Her idea of “baby gifts” was a messy purse filled with enough lame dollar store doodads to LITERALLY choke a baby!  These “bite-sized” toys might as well have had “Swallow Me and Die” written on their surfaces), Big Sloan seemed to think it was a GREAT idea!  He was thrilled at the prospect of being able to have a grandchild in his life.  Fortunately, Arizona stepped in to show him the error of his ways. 

In a heart-wrenching scene, Mark is forced to hand the child over to his new adoptive parents.  Once it is all over, he and his daughter vow to remain a part of one another’s lives.  So, it seems as though Seattle Grace’s most immature resident may have FINALLY grown up.  (Oh, and did I mention that Little Sloan was significantly less annoying this week, than she has been in past episodes?)

Oh Baby or No Baby . . .

Speaking of Arizona . . .

 . . . she and Callie seemed to be having baby issues of their own this week, since Callie wants to have a child, and Arizona doesn’t.  Throughout the episode, Callie tried a number of tactics to get Arizona aboard the Baby Train.

First Callie tried guided imagery.  “Picture a beautiful baby,” she prodded.

“I’m picturing a trip to Spain, a glass of Sangria, and you in a bikini,” replied Arizona.  “Oh, wait.   We can’t go to Spain . . . or DRINK, because of the BABY!”

Callie then tried to psychoanalyze Arizona, patronizingly explaining to her that the real reason Arizona didn’t want a child was that she was afraid it would get sick and die, like Arizona’s own brother, or the babies she treats at the hospital each day.  Arizona is offended by Callie’s insinuations.  “I’m not broken.   . .  I just don’t want a child,” Arizona explains, before storming out of the room.

And even though the couple seemingly made up at the episode’s conclusion, I am not entirely sure that this is something they will be able to overcome, in the long term.

To Be a D-Bag, or NOT to be a D-Bag . . .

Remember all those times, when Seattle Grace was in financial trouble, and Derek self-righteously lectured Chief Webber on the importance of not letting the interests of money and prestige override the need for a comfortable work environment, where doctors can work together as a team?  Remember that “Back to School” episide, where Derek tried to demonstrate that Seattle Grace was, above all, a “teaching hospital”?  Well, it appears, that “power corrupts,” because the Derek of this week’s episode has completely turned his back on everything he once believed.

For what seemed like the umpteenth time in the past few seasons, ANOTHER “Cardio God” entered the hallowed halls of Seattle Grace.  And, once again, the typically tough-as-nails, Cristina Yang, turned into a puddle of sycophantic mush around him.  Karev was right when he said she treated well-renown doctors like trading cards . . .

Collect them all!

At least Cristina is not afraid to ADMIT her flaws.  (I loved when she called herself a Cardiothoracic Whore!)  This, unfortunately, is more than I can say for Derek . . . 

Apparently, Seattle Grace is still in need of a Head of Cardiologogy.  And while, Teddy, who has been performing the job on temporary contract, would seem to be the most likely choice for the job, the prospect of getting a bigger name (in this case, “Dr. Evans”) to fill the position, put dollar signs in McDreamy’s puppy dog eyes.

In Derek’s defense, a skittish Teddy was screwing up all over the place, this week, sneezing on patients and failing to recognize that they were suffering from sepsis, before operating on them.  And, yes, the DULL Dr. Evans did seem like a “good surgeon.”  However, he was a Crappy Teacher, forcing Cristina to sit on the sidelines and watch a surgery she had scrubbed in on, while he performed the entire thing on his own.  Not to mention that the absence of the well-liked Teddy would have certainly caused a good deal of upheaval amongst many of the doctors — most notably, Mark Sloan who she is currently screwing.  Under normal circumstances, a doctor’s popularity and good teaching skills should not be the sole reasons for her getting a job.  However, for a Chief who got HIS job on a platform of “education and togetherness,” such reasons should certainly be persuasive ones.

Fortunately, for Teddy, she ultimately got to keep her job.  However, at the end of the episode, when Old Chief Webber makes a point to congratulate Shepherd on his decision to award loyalty over prestige, Derek defiantly admits that he had originally offered Dr. Evans the job, not Teddy.  However, Dr. Evans passed on it.  I’m not a fan of what “chiefing” is doing to Derek’s character  . . . Here’s hoping that Old Chief Webber resumes his post REALLY SOON!

“Sober up quick, Chief McBoozy!  We need YOU!”

To Threesome, or Not to Threesome . .  .

In other D-baggyish news, Owen came VERY close to cheating on Cristina, by almost making out with a vulnerable Teddy, in an admittedly sweet elevator scene.  Interestingly enough, THESE actions are NOT the ones with which I take issue.  After all, Owen ultimately DID NOT cheat (only because his pager went off . . . but still).  And, Owen and Teddy do have chemistry and a strong history together, so I can understand his moment of weakness. 

What I COULD NOT abide, was what Owen did NEXT.  In a highly uncharacteristic move, Cristina plays the Girlfriend Card with Owen, asking that he plead Teddy’s case to McDreamy, so she can keep her job.  Owen AGREES to do this.  However, once he gets inside the Chief’s office, he pleads DR. EVANS’s case instead, asserting that Teddy would be “just fine” if Derek didn’t choose her for the position.  One could argue that Owen truly believed that Dr. Evan was the “better man” for the job.  However, I think this had more to do with Owen’s own concerns that he won’t be strong enough to not make out with Teddy, the next time the two of them are stuck in an elevator . . .  And, if that ‘s the case, that seriously SUCKS for BOTH Teddy and Cristina!

To Grow Some Balls or NOT to Grow Some Balls . . .

In still MORE D-bag news, Alex treated his sort-of girlfriend Lexie like total crap this entire episode, berating her, making fun of her, and STEALING her surgeries.  When Lexie solves a medical mystery and ALMOST allows Alex to steal her thunder, it takes a tough love speech from Bailey (Doesn’t it always?), for Lexie to finally realize that she is being mistreated.  At the end of the episode, Lexie confronts Alex, by giving him a serious “I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR” – type talking to. 

Alex seems impressed.  He even gives Lexie a beer.  And you KNOW how boys hate parting with their beer.  But was it too little, to late?

Finally, in Bat-Sh&t Crazy News . . .

 . . . April continued to awkwardly fawn over the married Dr. Shepherd, much like the creepy school girl she played in that Glee episode a few months back . . .

I LOVED how Dr. Avery, a.k.a. Dr. Hotness . . .

 . . . totally called her out on her freak show behavior, not to mention skewered her with a few spot on impersonations.  “Oh, Chief Shepherd, you can spank me if I’m wrong. And I DO hope I’m wrong!”  He mimicked.

(Could somebody in the writing staff PLEASE give the funny and adorably sexy Jesse Williams more to do on this show?  A storyline?  A relationship?  A surgery?  ANYTHING AT ALL?  Need I remind you what he looks like with his shirt off?)

Anyway, methinks the slow boil of Bat Sh&t Crazy April is about to bubble over REALLY soon.  So, Derek should definitely hide his meat cleavers  . . .

 . . . and his BUNNIES . . .

 . . . both in the literal AND the metaphoric sense.  You can spank me if I’m wrong.  And I DO hope I’m wrong . . .

 

 

 

 

Love, Hearts, and Dismembered Limbs (a.k.a. The Gushy Stuff): A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Valentine’s Day Massacre”

Let’s try a bit of free association, shall we?  What is the first word that comes to your mind when you think of Valentine’s Day?    Is it “love,” “hearts,” “relationships,” “sex?”  Or, perhaps your single, and the words you think about instead are “darkness,” “depression,” “drunkeness,” and “binge-eating”?

Actually, the word that comes to my mind is none of the above.  Rather, it is “pressure.”  For guys, Valentine’s Day inevitably brings with it the pressure to “impress your significant other.”  For girls, there is the pressure to “define your relationship.”  For singles, there is pressure to “obliterate the evening in as painless a way as possible.” 

But it’s not only humans who experience pressure on Valentine’s Day, television shows do too – particularly television shows based primarily on relationships.  These shows experience the pressure to be even sappier and mushy-gushier than they normally are.  And for an often sappy, mushy-gushy, show like Grey’s Anatomy, that is one tall order!

So, how did the Valentine’s Day-themed installment of Grey’s Anatomy do?  Let’s take a close  look at the candy conversation hearts that made up this episode, to find out . . .

“Eat Your Heart Out”

Someone once said that “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”  (And here,  I always thought she was referring to heart disease . . . go figure.)  However, in this Grey’s episode, it was not the males, but the females , who showed their love through eating. 

When the episode opens, McDreamy is informed that one of  his first duties as “Nu-Chief” is to attend a hoity toity fundraiser breakfast.  As if it wasn’t bad enough that Derek would be expected to take time out of his busy “saving lives” schedule to eat donuts and beg for money, as his “Post-It Wife,” Meredith was expected to go too.  And those of you who have seen Meredith know that eating is not exactly her strong suit . . .

At first, Meredith declines to attend the breakfast because she despises food has important surgeries to attend to.  Things change when she meets a married couple and their doting waiter, all of whom were seriously injured during a restaurant roof collapse.  The waiter slips Karev a $50 to ensure that his bed is placed next to the wife of the  couple.  That’s one well-paid waiter, if he has spare $50’s lying around his pockets!  Just saying . . .)

When he thinks the wife is sleeping, the waiter explains how he has known this woman for 15 years.  Apparently, she used to dine alone with him each week, order ing something different from the menu every time.  The waiter soon fell in love with this woman. 

Unforunately, all is not fair in love and eating.  One day, the woman brought her soon-to-be husband to the restaurant as her date.  She continued coming back to the restaurant each week, and the waiter was forced to watch the couple’s courtship.  It was he who helped the husband to propose by placing  the wife’s engagement ring in the crème brule. 

Through the years,  the waiter watched as the husband began to order food for the wife — the same item each week. Inevitably, the couple’s conversation began to dwindle and lessen.  Soon they didn’t speak to one another at all.

When the waiter finally closes his eyes, the wife opens hers and winks at Meredith to let her know that she has heard everything the waiter said.  The wife admits that she had also fallen in love with the waiter.  That’s why she came back to the restaurant each week.  Because complex surgeries are clearly insufficient to occupy the minds of these brilliant doctors, Karev and Meredith begin to make bets as to which party will express their love for one another first, using the $50 the waiter initially gave Karev.

Unfortunately, there is no time for long-winded speeches for these star-crossed foodies.  Complications plague both the husband and the waiter and, in an event that only happens on television, the two men are rushed into surgery simultaneously.  When inquiring as to their status, the wife admits to Meredith that she waited for the waiter for a long time.  But, finally, she made a choice.  She chose her husband, and she loved him dearly.

Ultimately, the waiter dies, the husband lives, and, as a result of the wife’s “Choose your husband” speech, Meredith decides to go to the fundraising breakfast after all.  (So, a poor waiter had to DIE to convince you to eat a donut.  Real nice, Meredith.  REAL NICE!)

“At least it was a worthy cause!  Mmmmmm . . . donuts!”

“Wear Your Heart On Your Sleeve” (And your sleeve on your thigh . . .)

Remember the television show Felicity, where the titular character got dumped, cut her hair short, and single-handedly ruined the series in the process?

Well, apparently, Lexie, who has just been dumped by Mark “the Hypocrite” Sloan, was too busy studying to watch much television.  When a newly-single Mark approaches a young blonde doctor to hit on her, he is disturbed to find that the “young blonde” is Lexie.  And, you know what?  As much as I hate to say it, I actually like her new look . . .

After teasing her about her renegade appearance change (he called her Surgical Barbie), the lone likeable Mercy Wester (or Doctor Hotness, as I like to call him), challenges Lexie not just to change her mousy appearance, but to also change her mousy personality.  Coming from someone less attractive, that remark would be considered D-bagishly insensitive.  However, coming from Doctor Hotness . .  .

 . . . .

Sorry . . . I was fantasizing about Doctor Hotness and lost my train of thought.  Wait . . . what was I saying?

“Now that you mention it, I can definitely see a resemblance . . .”

Surgical Barbie  Lexie gets the opportunity to meet Doctor Hotness’s challenge, when a shy loner dishwasher from the same restaurant where the husband and wife used to dine, comes into the ER with a severed arm.  Apparently, the dishwasher was so forgettable that the dude sat armless and unttended to for hours, while his unattached arm lay lifeless in a sink nearby.  The dishwasher pleads with Lexie to salvage his arm.  “I just want to be normal,” he cries.

When the residents explain that there is no way that the dishwasher’s arm can be salvaged, Lexie uses her photographic memory to call to mind a special procedure whereby a severed body part is fused to another body part until it heals.  In a strongly worded speech, Lexie demands that extraordinary measures be taken to save this patient’s arm.  “That was definitely not mousy,” commends Doctor Hotness, in what had to be the biggest backhanded compliment a man has ever given a woman.

Unforunately, no good deed goes unpunished.  When the desperate-to-be-normal dishwasher wakes up to find that the doctors have attached his arm to his leg, he is absolutely horrified and furious.  “You made me into a freak!”  He yells.

However, Lexie calms him down by explaining to him that after this surgery, the dishwasher will no longer be ignored like he once was.  Instead, he will be “special and unique.”  Most importantly, after he sues the pants off the restaurant, he will also be rich. 

So, Happy Valentine’s Day to the No-Longer Mousy, Surgical Barbie and the Richly Unique Dishwasher Freak! 

“Love Means Never Having to Say I Killed a Patient . . .”

If you recall, at the conclusion of last week’s episode, Nu-Chief McDreamy rehired the formerly fired April, who was let go from Seattle Grace, after making a careless error that resulted in a patient’s death.  Now she’s back and is lodged so far up Nu-Chief’s butt, that you can’t tell where one ends and another begins.  Naming herself as Shepherd’s unofficial assistant, April follows McDreamy around like a lost puppy — reading him his schedule, picking out his clothing for him, and even going to his home to pick out Meredith’s clothing for her.

When McDreamy calls her out on this, April breaks down, admiting that, since the incident, she has been deathly afraid (no pun intended) to perform surgery.  April still hasn’t come to terms with the loss of the patient she killed.  In fact, she relives the traumatic experience every day.  For that reason, she fears that she is not a good doctor. 

Taking on the fatherly role previously held by Old Chief McDrunky (who was completely absent during this episode), McDreamy explains that it is April’s good heart and empathetic soul that make her a good doctor.    Awwww!

“My Daddy is MY Valentine!”

In other fatherly news, Pregnant Little Sloan has returned from her stint on Private Practice  dangerous operation.  As soon as she has returns, she tricks Callie into giving her a free sonogram.  Little Sloan then asks Callie for a “piece of paper” proving that her baby is healthy.  When Callie demands to know why Little Sloan needs such a document, Little Sloan admits that she plans to give her baby up for adoption.

Callie is horrified that Little Sloan would keep this a secret from Papa McSteamy, and demands that she comes clean to him.  Bratty Little Sloan declines to do so.  In fact, she only admits her secret, after Callie threatens to tell McSteamy on her own. 

Stunned by how attached he has grown to his unborn grandson, McSteamy shocks everyone by offering to raise it himself.  Then Callie shocks everyone again by offering to help raise the baby.   It’s all a bit  . . . shocking.

“Diapers cost HOW MUCH?”

The Gay/Straight baby raising storyline didn’t work on Will and Grace, and probably wouldn’t work here.  Shondra Rhimes undoubtedly sensed this (just as she sensed what an annoying character Little Sloan has turned out to be), and proceeded to murder the prospective storyline within a few moments of its presentation.  Little Sloan declines her papa’s generous offer and sneaks out of town without even telling him goodbye.

Good riddens, I say!

“Ménage a trois?’

Tired of being given the cold shoulder by Owen,  since her unfortunate drunken confession of love for him, Teddy, in a burst of uncharacteristic girlishness, approaches Owen and proceeds to babble uncontrollably about loneliness, puppies and bikini waxes.  Ahhh, yes . . . of course!   There is no better way to get a boy to like you, than to smother him with girl talk. 

Ummm . . . Teddy?  If your former boyfriend used to listen to you talking like this, it was only because you were sleeping with him.  F.Y.I.  No straight guy wants to hear about bikini waxes from a woman who isn’t giving him sex .  . .

When this approach doesn’t work (shocker), Teddy tries another one.  She approaches Owen and Christina together.  (I’m liking this method better already . . .). 

However, instead of propositioning them for a threesome (darn), she simply offers them her hand in friendship.  While Teddy recognizes that it is nearly impossible to “unring the bell” of a drunken love confession and repair a broken friendship, she vows to “try like hell.” 

Because, I really like this character, I hope she succeeds . . . (and, ultimately, gives us fans the threesome we so deserve for putting up with this show for as long as we have).

“Let’s Go Speed Dating!”

Eventually, it must have occurred to Shondra that none of the storylines in this “Valentine’s Day” episode of Grey’s were all that romantic.  Recognizing that all of her current couples were either “mature and established” or “in the midst of a breakup,” Shondra succumbed to the pressure and decided to advance a brand new, fledgling, relationship at warp speed . . .

If you recall, last week I was giddy with anticipation for the inevitable coupling of tough-as-nails Bailey with the Sexy McGas Man.  After all, there is nothing I love more than to swoon over the first signs of companionate game-playing and torturous unrequited love — both in real life, and on my television screen. 

Mmmmmm . . .  the longing looks, the heated arguments, the cat and mouse games, the inevitable jealousy when one of the pair finds someone new who is completely wrong for them, the close encounters that almost go there . . . but don’t.  And, finally, (after an entire season of will they, won’t they?) a hot and steamy makeout session that devolves into coupledom.  It makes me weak in the knees just thinking about it   . . .

Unforunately, Shondra Rhimes burst my sexy balloon within seconds of the episode’s opening, by having Gas Man immediately ask Bailey out on a date.  When she initially turned him down, I gave a big sigh of relief.   “There may be hope for this non-couple/ couple yet,”  I thought. 

But then stupid Arizona had to go and screw things up!  Poopy Head started egging the couple on, like the catty middle school girl she really is.  And, to my chagrin, it worked.  By the end of the episode, Bailey admits to Mc Gas Man, “I like you.”

She then agrees to go on a date with him.    (Hasn’t anyone told Shondra that sometimes the build up is better than the climax?)

Oh well!  I guess I will have to rely on my own life for unrequited love and sexual tension.  Tomorrow is, after all, Singles Awareness Day . . .