Tag Archives: adventures in bad parenting

ONCE UPON A TIME: The Quicker Potion Fixer Upper

“Do you prefer eating your deep fried cursed hearts with ketchup or BBQ sauce?”

(cross posted at Agony Booth.com)

There were so many potions used this week on Once to clean up certain dangling plot items, it was hard to keep track of them all. Let’s see, we had: sleeping curse potion, memory forgetting potion, drink pink stuff to create a door to your true love in another realm potion, potion that deep fries dark curses out of your heart, and potion that allows your shadow to travel across realms to fondle your girlfriend’s face and give her a magic wand. This is because, in Storybrooke, potions are kind of like cell phone apps. They allow you to do things you never know you always wanted to do, like, for example, have a conversation with an animated Easter Bunny (That’s a real app, by the way.)

Let’s review, shall we?

Mmmmm, Deep-Fried Hearts!

Regina’s first idea to break the sleeping curse that hangs over Snow and Charming (collectively, but not simultaneously) is to basically rip out both their hearts and throw them into what looks like a deep frier. (Even though a steamer would result in the hearts having way less trans fats and lower cholesterol.) The idea is to “fry” the curse out of the hearts. The plan sort of seems to work at first, until Regina realizes that after you deep fry hearts, they kind of . . . um . . . don’t work as well anymore?

Now, Snow and Charming are not only still cursed, they also both have weak, fatty, cholesterol-filled hearts. And that means if Regina and the gang don’t find a curse cure by the end of the episode, both members of the happy couple will be forced to hang out in the Land of Nod for all eternity.

Oops! Now, if that’s not a PSA for using healthier forms of food processing, I don’t know what is.

Fortunately, there’s a magical solution just around the corner in the form of a pink flower that only grows when evil is around . . . or, more accurately, when the plot requires it to grow. The good news is the pink flower can be made into a potion that reunites separated true lovers, like Snow and Charming. The bad news is that it means the Black Fairy has found her way into Storybrooke, which puts her one step closer to murdering our Savior.

Emma and Snow quickly find a full field of those plot reviving pink flowers. But then the Black Fairy pops by and makes her Stepford Son Gideon magic them away. “Are you going to kill me now?” Emma wonders, since it seems like the perfect opportunity for the Black Fairy to do so.

“Nah, we still have a few more episodes left before the finale,” the Black Fairy insists before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

“Hey, you forgot a pink flower?” Emma calls after the Black Fairy.

But she’s already gone. This means that Snow and Charming have what they need to both have speaking parts in the same episode! Once Upon a Time is about to get a whole lot more expensive . . .

Shadow Dancing

Erotic or Creepy?: You be the judge

So, remember how, last week, the forty-year old looking Lost Boys were chasing Hook with bows and arrows? Well, the good news is Tiger Lily saves him by putting sleeping darts in all their necks. The bad news is she uses a dart on Hook too.

But Tiger Lily was just kidding about the whole “trying to murder Hook” thing. As it turns out, she just wants Hook to help her get a magic fairy wand to the Savior, so that she can use it to defeat the Black Fairy. “Well, what a coincidence, I’m currently boning the Savior,” Hook exclaims.

Using some of Peter Pan’s magic, Captain Hook, though unable to rescue himself from the Lost Boys, is able to send an emissary across the realms in the form of his shadow. The Shadow hands Emma the wand, along with Hook’s Hook, and then turns to leave, but not before performing a bit of heavy duty fondle action with Emma’s face.

This poses an interesting question, if you hook up with your boyfriend’s shadow, does that count as cheating?

A Snow and Charming Do-Over (Under?) and A (Better) Proposal

Back in Storybrooke, Emma worries that the Shadow’s gift of Hook’s Hook to her means that he’s in danger. (She also fears that Hook’s shadow may have given her an STD.) Snow, who is about to take the pink flower potion that will “reunite” her with Charming, and, by extension, cure their sleeping curse, decides to make the ultimate sacrifice and let Emma use it instead to reunite with her boyfriend, even if that means eternal sleepiness, and leaving her baby Neal, who the writers apparently forgot she had, to grow up an orphan. (Hey, Emma was an orphan, and she turned out just fine. She was only incarcerated once for grand theft auto!)

Emma’s all, “Why the heck would you do that? Don’t you care about your other kid at all?”

This brings us to our episode’s flashback of the week, which takes place during the First Curse in Storybrooke, around ten years before the pilot episode. Apparently, during that time one of those plot-convenient pink flowers appeared. And when Snow placed it in the then-comatose Charming’s hand it caused him, and, a few moments later, her, to remember their true identities.

Immediately concerned about the fate of their daughter Emma (who, unlike their other kid Neal, they actually seem to like), Snow and Charming hunt down Rumple and inquire about Emma. He tells them to drink more potion and think about her. This will create a door to Emma’s world and allow Snow and Charming to retrieve her from there.

The problem is that Emma’s only 18 at this time. And the prophecy requires her to be 28 to Save the World from Evil. (Apparently, world saving has an age requirement like drinking, voting, running for office, and buying porn off the internet.) Snow and Charming do end up creating that door to find Emma, who looks super young for 18, like WAAAY too young. (Maybe she has that thing Emmanuel Lewis has that makes you look 10 when you are 18? Or, maybe the writers just took memory potion and forgot that the script indicated her age as 18, instead of 10? The world may never know.)

“I swear, judge, she told me she was 18-years old!”

However, ultimately, Snow and Charming decide that preserving Emma for world saving is way more important than their happiness as parents. Besides, Emma’s a ten-year-old-looking-18-year old. What trouble could she possibly get into without parental supervision? So, Snow and Charming drink the conveniently available memory potion, that causes them to forget their true identities and allow them, and everyone they care about, to live inside the movie Groundhog Day for another decade.

So, basically, it’s a win/win for everyone right?

 

Back in the present day, Emma way too quickly accepts her parents’ offer to kind of/sort of commit murder suicide on one another (and, in doing so, pretty much guarantee that Baby Neal will grow up-to be a serial-killer) in-order-to-improve-their-daughter’s-sex life.

Emma then drinks her parents pink flower potion, creates a portal to Neverland, beats up some Lost Boys, and brings her beau safely back home.

Once there, Hook decides to propose to Emma for realsies. He even gets on one knee. This time, Emma doesn’t try to steal his thunder, by saying yes, before he even gets to ask the question. Everyone is happy. Well, except for Emma’s kind-of dead parents, and Baby Neal, and Tiger Lily who got left behind to hang out with a bunch of Forty-Year-Old-Looking-Lost-Boys for all eternity.

Ain’t “True Love” grand?

Worst Mother-in-Law Ever!

When Black Fairy and Stepford son Gideon pay a visit to Rumple and Belle at Rumple’s shop, the look on Belle’s face tells us she’s seriously questioning marrying into the most screwed-up, evil, and incestuous family of all time.

“Gaston is suddenly looking like a mighty attractive option.”

Then, Rumple tries to use some magic against his Bad Mommy. And the Black Fairy, in turn, uses the Control the Dark One sword against him so he can’t do it.

I don’t know about you guys, but if there was a sword around somewhere that could make me the slave of anyone who wielded it, I would keep that sh*t locked up in a vault so far away that no one would ever find it. Rumple just kind of leaves it around on the floor, for the latest Big Bad to nonchalantly pick up whenever the episode requires it.

Not too bright, if you ask me. Fortunately, Black Fairy actually gives Rumple back the sword on her own free will. She insists that after she defeats the Savior, Rumple will gladly and willingly join her on the Dark Side. It’s all very Darth Vader / Luke Skywalker-ey . . . you know, if Luke Skywalker had a real fondness for canes and face glitter.

But Rumple isn’t totally useless here. He gets at least one parting shot on Mommy by informing her that he knows Gideon is only acting like a huge douchebag, because she stole his heart. (Otherwise, Gideon would only be a medium-sized douchebag.) Rumple notes Gideon’s decision to leave one pink “reunite with your lover” flower for Emma and Snow to find as evidence that there is “still some goodness in him.”

See? Even Stepford medium-sized douchebags do nice things, every once in a while!

Naptime!

They literally drank the Kool-Aid . . . Peer pressure is bad, boys and girls!

Speaking of nice things, just in time for the end of the episode, Regina comes up with another plan to wake up Snow and Charming who are now both lying in bed together in identical comas. She brings the whole town together (which seems to only comprise like 20 people all of the sudden), and instructs them each to drink some of Snow’s and Charming’s curse. Regina hopes that this will dilute the curse enough for Snow and Charming to wake up. It also could, you know, kill the entire town, but, whatever.

So all the townspeople of Storybrooke drink the sleeping potion, and Snow and Charming wake up together (HOORAY!), and find the entire town lying around them in a coma (BOO!) . . . but only for like two minutes, and then they all wake up. (YAY!)

And they all lived happily ever after . . . at least until next Sunday at 8 p.m E.S.T. See you then!

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Filed under Once Upon a Time

ONCE UPON A TIME: The One That Got Away (S5: Ep 16 Recap)

flying

Who knew the Lord of the Underworld was just another dumb schmuck looking for love in all the wrong places?

Also this week on Once, the characters finally simultaneously remember all the plot-inconvenient babies they left languishing at home for half a season.

ouat 4.2 snow baby

Henry becomes a “tortured artist,” because that’s not a cliché or anything. And Ghosting . . . it’s not just the thing you do to significant others who you are too cowardly to dump in person, anymore.

Let’s review, shall we?

Because, Apparently, the Only Brain in Oz Belongs To The Guy Made of Straw

the scarecrow

scared baby gif

Scariest scarecrow EVER!

In Oz’ past, Zelena needs a brain for her time travel spell. So, she has her flying monkeys kidnap the (quite honestly, super creepy looking) Bad CGI Scarecrow, in an attempt to take his. I don’t know about you guys, but if I was looking for a single brain that embodied “wisdom” I wouldn’t choose the one owned by the guy whose sole function in life is to stand around looking vaguely intimidating to birds. Then again, maybe the IQs in Oz as a whole, simply aren’t that high. I mean, think about it, these are folks who can’t comprehend directions that are any more complicated than “follow the yellow brick road.”

Anywhoo, a bizarrely bad-ass looking Dorothy returns to Oz with Toto in tow to rescue her creepy CGI friend and his brain, which is shared by all of the citizens of Oz! (Talk about precious cargo!)

dorothy and witch

Of course, Toto does all the rescuing, because everyone knows that dogs are way smarter than brainless Oz residents!

toto

This brick road was white, before I got here and did my thing on it!

Zelena is super pissed about her lost brain (mainly because now she can’t remember all the ingredients for her time travel spell, or the color of the road she must follow to collect them). Then, Hades comes by, and informs her that he wants a time travel spell too, and would be happy to help Zelena make hers.

hell are you

who the hell

As it turns out, Hades and Zelena have a whole bunch in common. They both have older siblings who, at least as far as they are concerned, got better lives than they did, and it’s turned them both into tremendous assholes. They both want to use the time travel spell to change the past so that they get “the good stuff” instead of their siblings, in the hopes that this will make them slightly less assholey.

In order to track down Dorothy and the Scarecrow, Hades and Zelena go for a ride on her bike together, and it makes them both SUPER HORNY.

almost making out

I totally get this from Zelena’s perspective. I mean, when the only boys in your neighborhood are smelly flying monkeys, flamboyantly dressed, probably mostly gay, munchkins, an extra large tin can, and a lion with zilch sex appeal, you are going to be pretty lonely. As for Hades, I’m not quite seeing the appeal. I mean, by definition the Underworld is filled with LITERALLY Hot People.

And Zelena? The woman who has no brain, and who can’t shower ever, because doing so would literally be the death of her? Let’s just say that’s not a Match.com profile that’s getting many hits.

ouat season 3 original wicked witch

“I’m excellent at sweeping floors though!”

Hades lets it slip that True Loves’ Kiss can bring him back his heart and make him, like, human or something. This way, he can leave the Underworld forever and become just another dude. He insists this is something in which he has interest. But, if I were him, I’d stick to the Devil I know. After all, down there, Hades is Lord of the Underworld and has magic. Up on Earth, he has no marketable skills and would probably end up being Lord of McDonalds’ or something . . .

go away im sad

Hades and Zelena almost suck face, but end up putting it on pause, so that Zelena can easily freeze Dorothy and take the Scarecrow’s brain from him. Crap. All dressed up and no brain to go. How’s that girl ever going to get back to Kansas?

brain taking

Back at Zelena’s house, Hades sort of/ kind of proposes to her. “Time travel / schmime travel. Let’s screw so I can share one brain with you in Oz forever!”

never want to see

regret this

But Zelena isn’t falling for that crap. She thinks Hades is playing her, so he can make the time travel spell himself, and leave her home in Oz with all the brainless morons. And so the Wicked Witch of the West runs away from the Lord of the Underworld without giving him the kiss he’s waited literally an eternity to receive. Do you think it’s possible for a tongue to get blue balls?

#Ghostedbyfairytalecharacters

snow oat

authors now

Back in the underworld, Henry is pissed and super broody because no one appreciates his art, which is basically the equivalent of a C-plot / filler episode on this show. Henry’s lame story is about how his grandparents finally remember they have a fairly newborn baby at home after abandoning the kid for over a month. (Hey, that’s 27 years and 11 months sooner than it took them to remember Baby Emma, so PROGRESS!)

ouat 4.2 disney snow

“Boo! Scared you didn’t I, baby? This is apparently the way I show my motherly love.”

The blind witch lady at Granny’s diner tells the professional absentee parents that while they can’t see their baby boy, they can still “scare the sh*t out of him / haunt him / scar him for life” by calling him on Hell’s Telephone and haunting his ass. “This is an excellent idea!” Snow White exclaims. “What child wouldn’t want to hear strange disembodied voices calling out to them in the middle of the night, while they try to sleep, because that isn’t at all disturbing or frightening to a young person.”

On second thought, maybe it’s for the best that Snow and Charming are never around to actually raise their kids #badparentingchoices . . .

Henry’s story ends with Baby Neal being all happy that he got to be “ghosted” by his parents . . .but bummed that when he pooped, the “ghosts” refused to change his diaper, and he had to sit in his crap for the rest of the night . ..

Oh, Baby, Baby, how was I supposed to know?

with baby

That something wasn’t right here. Oh, baby, baby, I shouldn’t have let you gooooo . . .And now you’re out of . . .

Oops, I did it again. Lost myself in the lyrics. Back to the Babies of Storybrooke!

Last week on Once, Rumpel became Hades’ bitch, in order to prevent Hades from taking his not-yet-born baby from Belle’s womb. This week Rumpel begins his bitch work by opening up a portal in Storybrooke so even more characters can join this fabulous Underworld rager that’s been going on these past few weeks.

Back in Storybrooke, Belle’s been helping the Blue Fairy to take care of all of the main character’s abandoned children, because, let’s face it, there’s nothing much else to do in town, seeing as how she’s already read all the books with no words in them from the town’s Library for Illiterates. Upon arrival, Belle is surprised when the Blue Fairy doesn’t know which bottle to feed one of the babies. (This doesn’t surprise me at all, because the Blue Fairy is the Absolute Worst, so, of course, she’d suck at bottles too.)

two blue fairies

Then, it turns out that the Blue Fairy is actually Zelena posing as the Blue Fairy to steal back her own baby from Regina and Robin Hood, who abandoned it. A scuffle ensues, just as a Portal to Hell conveniently opens up right on the floor of the Nunnery. (Ouch! Sacrilege much?)

jump in

Belle grabs Zelena’s baby and heads straight to Hell, which may seem like a strange choice to some, but when faced with an eternity in Hell or an eternity stuck hanging out with the Blue Fairy, Hell seems like a way better deal. Zelena jumps into the portal after her child, leaving Baby Neal alone with the Blue Fairy, the former of whom is undoubtedly thinking “Hey, wait for me! Oh crap, abandoned again! And still no one has fed me or changed my diaper in a month!”

Upon arriving in Hell, Zelena worries that Hades might have brought her and her baby here to seek vengeance on her for dumping his ass all those years ago. Belle, on the other hand, figures that Rumpel was merely summoning her for an Underworld Booty call and is pleased as punch. She runs off to the library to meet up with him, because Library Sex in Hell is super sexy. Plus, since people in Hell are probably more literate than people in Storybrooke, some of the books may have real words in them.

im pregnant

nodding

At the library Rumpel shares some bad news for Belle, “I only brought you to Hell by accident,” followed by some good news, “You are preggars,” and some more bad news, “But I bargained our baby away to the Lord of the Underworld,” and still more bad news, “P.S. I’m the Dark One, and I’m always kind of going to be an awful sociopath who murders people, so I hope you likely real bad boys.”

It’s a lot of information for Belle to take in at once. Fortunately, it looks like she’s going to rot in here for the rest of eternity, so she has plenty of time to mull it all over!

Babes in the Woods

sad about baby

Because they clearly have not been paying attention to the show for the past five seasons, when Zelena reunites with the rest of the Once crew, she is easily able to manipulate them into thinking she will cooperate with them, only to screw them over and steal her baby from them.

Speaking of Zelena and Hood’s baby? Did I mention that Robin Hood never got around to naming her, because he claims that he doesn’t “know” her yet? This . . . even though the kid has a full set of teeth and looks to be over a year old. Zelena suggests the kid be named Pistachio, which would make her fit right in with all those weird-named celebrity kids, and would be way better than the “Hey You with The Dirty Diaper,” which is how she’s been referred to thus far in life.

Even though she’s weirdly enough, become, by default, the best parent in this episode, Zelena begins to question her parental duties when the use of her evil magic scars her baby. (How’s that for a metaphor?) What’s worse, since Zelena fears Hades’ wrath, she’s forced to hide out alone in a cabin in Hell, where she has to take care of her kid by herself, and she still doesn’t even known which bottle to use to feed her.

This time, when the Oncer’s find Zelena, she’s ready to give up the child so that she’ll have a better future with her dad who left her for dead to rescue someone’s boyfriend, and who still refers to her as “What’s her name?”

Speaking of Robin Hood, remember how he still has another kid? The cute one who likes ice cream, and is probably in his mid-twenties by now? What the heck happened to that guy?

ice cream for roland

Strangers in the Night

At the end of the episode, Zelena finally meets up with Hades, and, contrary to being pissed at her for dumping his ass, the guy actually designed the entire concept of the Underworld in her honor. Now, Zelena can have a crappy red-hued knockoff of the land her sister created!

“Geez! If I knew you still wanted to jump my bones and weren’t trying to kill me, I probably wouldn’t given up my kid so fast to the folks who couldn’t even be bothered to name her,” Zelena admits.

zelena sad

“So, we’ll murder them all, and get your baby back together. It will be just like old times,” Hades insists.

“Nah, thanks, but I think I need to ride solo, at least for now,” Zelena admits tearfully. “The truth of the matter is, I have kind of low self-esteem, due to the whole Green Face Thing. And I feel like your True Love after knowing me for twenty minutes came about too fast. So, it’s more likely that you’re playing me once again, because you are this season’s Big Bad.”

“Fair enough,” responds Hades. “I’ll wait for you, anyway. It’s not like I exactly have ladies knocking down my door. It’s the creepy CGI Hair thing. Ladies find it a turn off. I’m not sure why. Probably because it burns their nipples off when we are fooling around . . .”

the moving hair

And that was Once in a nutshell. Next week, Gaston emerges in the Underworld to pay tribute to what, in my opinion, is most underrated, unintentionally homoerotic, Disney song ever . .

 

See you then!

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.com

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