Tag Archives: Alarjenna

Where have all the HUMANS gone? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Last Day”

Pop Quiz Fangbanger How many humans are in this picture?  (Hint:  It’s a trick question.) 

USELESS AUNT JENNA:  “OK, that was NOT COOL!  The only thing I wanted injected in me tonight, was ALARIC’S CHUNKY MONKEY!

Personally, I think humanity is overrated.  I mean, think about it  . . . You get married.  You pop out a few pups.  You grow old and wrinkly.  You die.  What’s the fun in THAT?

Apparently, the writers of The Vampire Diaries agree with me.  Because they have taken Mystic Falls’ Team Human, and systematically smashed it to smithereens, over the course of two seasons . . .

Be afraid, Normal Boy!  Be VERY AFRAID!

But, you see, that’s what I LOVE about this show!  The Vampire Diaries doesn’t give a Flying F*&k about the rules or conventions of typical television dramas (like the one that says you can only kill off one or two major characters, a season . . . or the one that says HUMANS are “important.”).  And that’s how TVD keeps viewers returning every single week:  by repeatedly defying their expectations, and challenging what they think they know about the characters on their television screen.  Of course, having THESE to show off on a weekly basis doesn’t hurt either .  . .

Hold on to your panties, Fangbangers!  And prepare to have your minds blown.  Because we are about to recap what may go down in television history as “The Last Day” of TVD, as we once knew it . . .

Blah, blah, blah Sacrifice, blah (HEY!  Is that Shirtless Damon on my screen?)

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I’m sorry, Elijah, were you saying something?  Because I was . . . distracted.

The episode begins with a Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation in La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  Elijah is downstairs explaining the logistics of the Sacrifice to Stefan and Elena, while Damon is upstairs . . . in bed  .  . . NAKED . . . and GULPING.  Clearly, someone in the writer’s room doesn’t want us listening to Elijah (Klaus, is that YOU?).  Whoever this person is, his devious plan has worked!  Because two minutes later, I wake up from my trance, to find Damon all DRESSED . . .

Now, right then and there, we should have known things were going to go VERY wrong for Damon, this week.  If you recall, the LAST time Damon was shirtless on TVD was the Controversial Moonstone in Soap Dish Incident . . .

And we all know how THAT turned out!  So, in conclusion, Shirtless Damon = Good for US;  Extremely Bad for HIM!

Then again, maybe it’s bad for me too.  Because now I’ve got to figure out what Elijah said to Elena, while I was fondling Damon’s chest, in my dreams . . .

Looking back, I THINK that Elijah was talking about the “ingredients” of the Sacrifice Ritual that could be used to break Klaus’ “You Can’t Be a Were-Vamp, Too Bad, So Sad for YOU” Curse.  Coincidentally (or, perhaps, not so, coincidentally), those ingredients just so happen to be the SAME INGREDIENTS Klaus listed in his FAKE Aztec Sun and Moon Curse, namely: a Full Moon, the Moonstone, a vampire, a werewolf, and the BLOOD of a Doppelganger, which Klaus must DRINK in order to complete the ritual.

ELIJAH:  “Would you like me to repeat that again, now that Damon has his shirt back on, and has stopped seductively gulping?’

STEFAN and ELENA:  “Yes, please!”

So, then Damon magically appears.  And he asks Elijah the STELLAR question of WHY they have to wait until the Full Moon to kill Klaus, when they could just use Bonnie to do it RIGHT NOW!  “Because Bonnie would DIE!”  Elena replies. 

“We’ll write her a great eulogy,” replies Damon.

You know, I’d actually be OK with that plan . . . after all, Stefan and Elena are great writers.  That’s why they both keep DIARIES!

Now, I’m as big of an Eliah Fan, as the next gal.  But even I have to admit, for all his cool magical powers and de-hearting abilities, the Original’s ACTUAL plan to save Elena from certain death was disappointingly lame.  Come ON!  A Fake Death Elixir?  What is this Romeo and Juliet?  Didn’t we just do the whole “Fake Death” thing with Bonnie?  Do we really think that THE All-Powerful Klaus is dumb enough to fall for the same trick twice?

ELIJAH:  “Would it help if I told you the elixir tastes like chocolate milk?”

To make matters worse, since the last Petrova Doppelganger .  . . ummmm . . . VAMPED out on Klaus (foreshadowing much?), Elijah never actually got the chance to try out his little drink recipe.  So, it’s not a sure thing.  Nor does Elijah seem entirely sure that Bonnie won’t die ANYWAY, while she is using her powers to murder the momentarily vulnerable were-transforming Klaus.  In short, Elijah’s Big Plan, seems like a Big Ole Load of Crap to Me . . .

Are you sure about that, buddy?  Because it’s starting to sound like we CAN .  . .

Conveniently enough, when Damon suggests that Elena wear the Ring of Immortality (something we actually KNOW works) to help stave off permanent death, during the ritual, Elijah shuts that idea down as well.  “The ring only works on humans.  The Doppelganger is a supernatural occurrence.”

A-HA!  So, Elena is NOT entirely human!  She’s a FAIRY, like Sookie on True Blood.  That’s why all the boys want to bone her.  The plot thickens . . .

Outside La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon chugs down his Power Breakfast of Bourbon and Tears . . .

While Damon tries his very best to get wasted before 10 a.m., Stefan lectures him about the importance of trusting in Elena (even though her plan to save her own life, now seems MORE RIDICULOUS THAN EVER)!

STEFAN:  “Yeah, I don’t think the plan’s going to work either.  But by pretending I do, my chances of getting laid tonight, by the Girl of Our Mutual Dreams increases tenfold . . .”

DAMON:  “Well, in that case . . .”

This Brotherly Bonding Session is interrupted by a screaming Useless Aunt Jenna, who is currently threatening Alaric with his own CROSSBOW!  (I’m liking this chick more, by the minute.  That probably means she’s going to die soon . . .)

Alaric quickly proves he’s no longer AlarKlaus, by beginning to share with the Scooby Gang some kinky sex story about how Jeremy walked in on him and Jenna playing Hide the Salami in the Gilbert Home . . .

So, BOTH Gilbert kids caught Alaric and Jenna en flagrante!  Clearly, these two are Closet Exhibitionists.

Once the crew is convinced that Alaric is not going to (1) compel any of them to stab themselves in the leg; or (2) start dedicating cheesy old love songs to them, the weapons are lowered, and Alaric is allowed to deliver his message.  “The Sacrifice Ritual is to take place tonight,” he says, ominously.

With that pesky errand out of the way, Alaric is allowed to have a seat in the living room of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  There, he can put his feet up, and reminisce with his old pals about the Good Old Days of AlarKlaus.  (Like that time when he threatened his girlfriend with a butcher knife . . . FUN!)  Elena quickly tires of these old war stories, and wanders up to Damon’s bedroom, where, you might have noticed, she has been spending quite a bit of time lately . . . *clears throat*

Love is Never Having to Say “I Made You Drink My Arm.”

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There’s nothing like a little FORCE FEEDING to ruin an otherwise Perfectly Good Romantic Moment Between Two Extremely Attractive, and Sexually Active, Individuals!  What’s the deal, TVD writers?  Did a Delena Fan pee in your Cheerios?  Why can’t we ever catch a break, huh?  

I’m going to let you watch the scene in its entirety first.  And then we can talk about it . . .

What’s interesting about this scene is how much it parallels the one from “The Last Dance.”  In both cases, we have Elena approaching Damon in his bedroom, in hopes of coming to an understanding with him about certain decisions that have been made relating to the Sacrifice. 

On one level (at least, until the force feeding happens) it’s a sweet, and straight forward scene, in which Elena tries to assure Damon that she will NOT die in the Sacrifice, and that she will, in fact, return to him.  In return, Damon tries to convey to Elena how risky this undertaking is, how much he fears for her safety, and how much he can’t bear the thought of her no longer being in his world.  “I can’t lose you,” he admits to her.

Notice how Damon and Elena move continuously closer to one another as they speak.  The scene is deceptive in that way, in that it APPEARS as though the pair are coming to understand where eachother are coming from, and finally finding common ground. 

Interestingly enough, just like in that OTHER scene, communications between the pair break down, at what, on the surface, seems like the most intimate moment between them.  In “The Last Dance” when Damon said, “I’ll always choose you,” Elena was clearly moved by the extent of his affection for her. 

Likewise, here, when Elena holds and massages Damon’s hands, looking deeply into his eyes, as she says, “It’s my life, my choice,” Damon seems literally swept off his feet, by the clear evidence that Elena truly cares for him.  Damon keeps staring from Elena’s hands, back to her eyes, as if he can’t believe she is showing him so much love and trust.  Elena smiles, thinking that she has finally got through to him. 

But she hasn’t.  And it is at THIS MOMENT that you can SEE Damon planning out exactly what his next move is going to be.  And it involves, of all things, the HANDS, or rather, the arms . . .

When Elena turns to leave, Damon hesitates, for a moment, just as Elena did in the final moments of “The Last Dance,” when she turned back to face Damon one final time, before she headed to the cellar to de-stake Elijah.  But, ultimately, just like Elena did then, Damon pushes all doubts about what he’s going to do out of his mind.  He corners Elena at the door.  And THIS happens . . .

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“Now be a good little girl, and drink your blood.  Open WIDE .  . . here comes the Choo Choo Train!”

Then Stefan comes in.   And the two brothers start beating the sh*t out of eachother AGAIN . . . at least, until Damon STAKES Stefan.  And if you thought the romantic mood was ruined before, it’s SO Dead and Buried NOW!

“You are SUCH a cock block, Stefan Salvatore!”

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I don’t actually think that becoming a vampire (at least, in terms of how the show portrays the existence) is this Big Awful Thing that Elena believes it is.  (More on THAT later.)  But DAMON does. 

Remember, this is the Damon who cried in The Descent (more foreshadowing) about how much he missed his humanity.  This is also the Damon who held a grudge against Stefan for a CENTURY for manipulating him into turning into a vampire, all those years ago, when DAMON wanted die, after seemingly losing Katherine FOREVER.

Is anyone else as extremely turned on by this as I am?

In fact, nothing if not self aware, DAMON, himself, realizes the inconsistency of his actions, when he says to Elena, almost comically, “Go ahead, wish me an eternity of misery.  Believe me, you’ll get over it.”

But it’s clear that, by the time Alaric and Jenna come to break up the fight (Boy, Jenna really got a Crash Course in Vampirism in the past two episodes, didn’t she?), Damon has already realized the error of his ways.  And this is why he spends the rest of the episode trying to right his wrongs, by attempting to foil Klaus’ Sacrifice Ritual, in order to buy Elena another month, so that the next time, she can go about defeating Klaus in her extremely dumb way.

“You know, she will never forgive you,” Elijah tells Damon (Perhaps, talking from personal experience?).  “And for a vampire, NEVER is an extremely long time.”

Unfortunately, grudges and the inability to let go are things DAMON understands all too well . . .

As Stefan drinks from a blood bag, and learns a very important lesson about how you shouldn’t “run with lamp posts,” Alaric and the No Longer All that Useless Aunt Jenna share a sweet moment outside Damon’s bedroom — one which only seems to further fortell Jenna’s DOOM.  “I’m glad you’re OK,” U.A.J. whispers, before she pulls Alaric in for a kiss . . .

Nothing like being possessed by an Evil Vampire to make your girlfriend conveniently forget that you never told her you were MARRIED . . .

Meanwhile, at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

Lizard Forbes Strikes Again (Can someone please KILL HER already?)

To Do List:  (1) Seduce daughter’s soon-to-be-ex boyfriend.   (2) Plot daughter’s murder with soon-to-be-ex boyfriend.  (3) Eat puppies and kittens for lunch.    (4) Kick babies in the head for fun.  (5) Perform various acts of devil worship at the Local Church.

Caroline visits Matt Donovass Benedict Arnold at work.  She’s happy and perky, and doesn’t notice anything out of the ordinary in their MASSIVE SHAM of a relationship.  They make out, and I throw up in my mouth a little bit.

CAROLINE:  “You smell like my mom.  The two of you must use the same cologne and aftershave.”

MATT: “Not usually, but she let me borrow hers this morning after our shower.”

CAROLINE:  “What?”

MATT:  “Oh nothing . . .”

Caroline excuses herself, to go run a few errands.  So, Matt immediately rushes over to the next table to gossip with Lizard, and plot his girlfriend’s demise . . .

In Matt’s (slight) defense, he does seem to have eased up a bit on the GALLONS of Lizard Kool Aid he’s been drinking over the course of the past few episodes.  “Caroline seems pretty much to be EXACTLY the same person she’s always been, since he met her.  So, why are we so intent on killing her again?”  Matt wonders.

“Open your legs and spread em . . . Oh, and pull down your pants too . . . It’s standard police procedure.”

“Because I’m an evil harpy, with no redeeming personality traits.”  Lizard replies.   Apparently, having been raised to despise all vampires, and having been fooled so completely by Damon, Lizard would rather kill her own daughter, than believe that a vampire could actually be a kind and decent being.  And here’s what I have to say about that . . .

Seeing that she no longer has his full support, Lizard kicks Matt out of the Kill Caroline Club.  Seemingly having seen the error of his ways, Matt calls Caroline (we assume) to warn her about her murderous mom.  But given his actions later, we can’t help but wonder whether he ACTUALLY called to lure her into some sort of trap . . .

“So, I was thinking maybe you and I could go out hunting on our next date.  Well, actually, I’d hunt, and you’d be the target.  It worked for Dick Cheney!”

 Also hanging out at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

Team Bad Ass (Reunited and it feels SO GOOD!)

ALARIC:  “So, I was thinking that tonight (like every night) we’d celebrate me getting my body back, by getting completely wasted and trying to recreate our own version of the movie The Hangover.”

DAMON: “Fine . . . but I get to be Bradley Cooper’s character.”

ALARIC: *pouts*  “But I wanted to be HIM!”

Since the acts of (1) ensuring the Love of his Life an eternity of Miserable Bloodsucker-dom; and (2) almost murdering his brother with his favorite lamp TOTALLY killed his morning buzz, Damon decides to head back to the bar and commence with some SERIOUS catch up boozing.  Alchy Alaric, of course, is more than happy to join in the festivities.  “I screwed up,” Damon mopes.

“Yeah, you did,” replies Alaric.  (I LOVE THESE TWO!)

But alas, this bromantic buddy moment is interrupted by an unwelcome guest  . . . “Why so glum?” Inquires someone VERY BRITISH.

“Ughhhh . . . Klaus, I presume,” scoffs Damon (mimicking his ICONIC “Ughhh, who cares” line from one of Blogger Pal Amy’s favorite Delena scenes from Season 1 of the show).

DAMON: “I liked you better when you were Alaric.”

After thanking the Drunken History Teacher for the “loner” of his body, Klaus turns his attention to Damon, who, taking a page out of Mr. “I Don’t Believe in Confrontation” Stefan’s book, politely asks Klaus if he could .  . . you know . . . maybe wait a month, before killing Elena, and beginning his Quest for World Domination.  But Klaus, having already waited 500 YEARS for the opportunity to perform this ritual, isn’t in a particularly patient mood.  “The Sacrifice is tonight . .  . don’t screw it up,” Klaus warns, before exiting Stage Left.

“You’re going to screw it up, aren’t you?”  Alaric asks, with mild amusement.

“You’ll help, right?” Damon asks, already knowing what the answer will be.

And with that, Team Bad Ass stumbles out of the bar on a mission that will undoubtedly be EPIC . . .

These two REALLY need their own theme song.  Any suggestions?

Speaking of walking (and walking . . . and walking . . .)

Shrink Stefan and his “Miraculous” Waterfall Therapy

STEFAN:  “So, Elena.  Tell me about your parents untimely death, and how it made you FEEL . .  . Oh, wait .  . . never mind . . . I was there.”

I’m seriously starting to wonder if, during part of his 160 plus years on Earth, Stefan went to medical school and opened his own psychiatric practice.  Because, seriously, this guy is more into talking about “feelings” than any other non-shrink male I’ve ever seen!  And when Stefan begins to recognize that Elena might by holding back her feelings about very likely becoming a vampire in the immediate future, he spends the rest of the episode trying to get her to “OPEN UP” to him. 

(So .  . . basically, this week, we have one brother Kicking Ass and Taking Names, and the other one Getting Teary Eyed over Pretty Waterfalls.  Not judging . . . just sayin’.)

“Look Elena . . . a DOUBLE RAINBOW!  It’s SO BEAUTIFUL!”

Stefan brings Elena to an admittedly picturesque waterfall, and suggests they climb to the top of it.  “Today is all about YOU,” he tells her (which would be a whole lot nicer of a sentiment, if Elena didn’t seem so completely AGAINST the idea of an extended hike).

ELENA:  “Can’t we just stay home and watch episodes of True Blood on DVD or something?”

I’ll admit I giggled a bit, when Elena inquired as to why Stefan wasn’t going to use his Super Power Vampire Jumpy Thing to get her to the top of the mountain. 

*Edward Cullen scoffs judgmentally at the notion of allowing one’s human girlfriend to (gasp) ACTUALLY USE HER FEET*

Despite Elena’s continual complaints, Stefan and Elena eventually hike up to the top of a mountain, while Stefan gently, but persistently, prods Elena to bare her soul to him.  (Now, if this was DAMON and Elena at the top of the mountain, I’m guessing that SOUL baring would probably not be of the utmost concern.  Methinks those two would be spending Elena’s Final Day as a Human screwing like bunny rabbits on that mountain top!)

But FEELINGS is what Stefan wants.  So feelings is what Stefan is going to get .  . .

Though the pair is generally pretty open (almost to a fault) regarding other aspects of their relationship, the notion of Eternity Together was a topic regularly skirted by this couple.  Much of this, I suspect, had to do with the fact that Elena was never really “into” the whole idea of “living forever.”  And Stefan, who instinctively knew this, felt that having that information out in the open would put a serious damper on their sex lives.

ELENA:  “I wonder if the two of us will still be this good in bed, when we are both old and . . . oops, never mind.”

But after HOURS of relentless prodding on Stefan’s part, Elena FINALLY breaks down and monologues about how she looked forward to a life of making choices.  She wanted to have babies, and get married, and grow old (OK, who the HECK actually wants to grow old?  Seriously, Elena!  Babies?  maybe.  OLD?  Definitely NOT!)  “I don’t want to be a vampire.  I never wanted to be one,” Elena sobs.

“I know you didn’t,” replies Stefan sadly, as he pulls her in for an embrace.

Now, maybe this is just because I’m shallow, and deathly afraid of aging, but, aside from NEVER being able to have kids (But you could ADOPT, Elena!), I don’t really see what’s so awful about being a vampire . . . particularly when (like Elena) you are surrounded by OTHER vampires who can teach you how to do it, without losing your humanity, in the process.  Would I want to live forever?  Probably not.  But, hey, you could always WALK OUT INTO THE SUN whenever you get really tired of being undead!  So, what’s the big deal? 

Perhaps, the REAL problem is that Elena isn’t so sure she wants to spend eternity with STEFAN, hmm?

In all seriousness, I understand that Damon (who knew firsthand, what it was like to LOSE ones humanity, and actually miss it) ideally, should have given Elena the CHOICE of whether she wanted to turn into vampire.  On the other hand, from Damon’s perspective, this is a 17-year old girl who’s basically deciding to COMMIT SUICIDE!  Here Elena is talking about all the “choices” she’s not going to get to make, once she becomes a vampire.  But, would she REALLY get to make any of the choices ANYWAY, if Klaus killed her? 

When you think of it that way, the issue really isn’t so black-and-white.  Certainly, Elena’s statement that Damon doesn’t know what LOVE is, because he’s not willing to let her KILL HERSELF, before she’s of legal voting age, seems a bit misguided . . .

In significantly LESS Maudlin Couple News . . .

Throw Mama from the Stairs (and the Eagerly Awaited return of Forwood)!

TYLER’S MOM:  “Yes, Scary (soon-to-be dead) witch dude, I will gladly fall down a flight of stairs to make Forwood Happen.  Because, unlike some OTHER  moms on this show, I actually VALUE my kid’s happiness, and would prefer him not to DIE.”

When we last saw Tyler’s mom, Elijah had conveniently taken her off vervain, so that he could . . .  borrow her Dead Husband’s Suits?  This week, Klaus’ Witch Buddy Maddox, seemingly compels her (though, honestly, I didn’t know witches could do that) to call Tyler, and tell him that she was in an accident, just moments before he magically pushes her down the steps.  Now, we can assume that Maddox did this to further Klaus’ plan to “acquire” Tyler as a werewolf in his sacrifice ritual.  But could Elijah’s de-vervaining of Mrs. Lockwood have been part of the Master Plan as well?   Only time will tell .  . .

(On a brighter note, at least, we know Elijah’s on Team Forwood!)

So, Tyler returns to Mystic Falls .  . .

 

 .  . . to visit his mother at the hospital . . .

Outside the hospital, Tyler runs into Caroline, who is ALSO en route to pay her respects to his Mom . . .

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Then JULES comes along, and threatens to ruin EVERYTHING (as has been her habit, since he appeared on the show) . . .

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It should, perhaps, be noted here that Jules has NO SOUL, and was COMPLETELY against the idea of Tyler visiting his OWN MOTHER at the hospital, so close to the time of their transformation.  But even Jules knows True Love when she sees it, and is willing to give Tyler and Caroline some alone time to have SUPER HOT MAKEUP SEX “catch up.”

Let the INSANE CHEMISTY, LONGING LOOKS, and NEARLY UNBEARABLE SEXUAL TENSION ENSUE . . .

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No wonder, Tyler needed this SEXUAL RELEASE, later on in the episode . . .

Clearly, both Tyler and Caroline have grown in their month apart from one another.  For his part, Tyler seems to have mellowed significantly, since his last Caroline encounter.  This is not the headstrong, impulsive, alpha male of Lockwood yore.  This is a guy who thinks, before he speaks.  

You can tell immediately that Tyler is thrilled to see Caroline, and that he is still just as in love with her, as he was the day he left Mystic Falls.  But he knows how bad things were between the two of them when he left, and doesn’t want to push their relationship into uncomfortable territory.  So, Tyler holds back . . . and hesitates, saying little with his mouth, but VOLUMES with his ever-expressive eyes.

Caroline TOO has changed since Tyler left.  But HER change, was largely a change in heart toward Tyler.  She realized how much she missed his friendship.  She was clearly hurt, when he left without saying goodbye.  And Caroline, for sure, is not going to let Tyler skip town, without getting some answers . . .

“You’re leaving again?  Your explanation must have got lost in the mail . . . along with my goodbye letter,” challenges Caroline.

Tyler ponders the face of the woman he loves, wanting to say more . . . and then the Cock Block TWINS, Maddox and Greta, give them both Witchy Migraines and cart them away.  (Presumably, Jules was nearby, when this occurred . . . But, since none of the fans really give a rats ass about her, nobody seemed to notice this, until MUCH later.)

Don’t worry Tyler!  One of those two Bitchy Witches won’t live to see next week’s promos . . .

Tyler and Caroline Experiment with S&M . . . AGAIN

“I can see why this appeals to you, Tyler, but I’ve always been more of a Missionary Position kind of gal.”

“What are your thoughts on Doggy Style?”

The last time Tyler and Caroline played with chains, only Tyler was involved in the BONDAGE aspect of the foreplay .  . .

But when the pair wake up from their Matching Witch Headaches, they are BOTH all chained up with no where to go .  . .

Caroline immediately figures out that she and Tyler have been the Lucky Chosen Contestants in the Klaus Sacrifice Game Show.  Unfortunately, since poor Tyler has been absent awhile, he hasn’t had time to DVR the last few episodes of TVD.  So, Caroline quickly fills him in on who Klaus is, and on how the Sun and Moon Curse is a Big Ole ‘Fake.

“Well, that kind of sucks.  Its a good thing I always carry my trusty flask, for situations like this . . .”

Since it doesn’t seem like they are going to be GOING ANYWHERE any time soon, Caroline, taking a page out of her Vamp Daddy Shrink Stefan’s book, decides now is as good a time as any to get Tyler to open up about the whole Abandonment Thing.  “Why didn’t you say goodbye when you left?  Why did you leave me?”  Caroline asks, illustrating a vulnerability that warms Teen Wolf’s Heart.

“I know you hated me.  I thought you deserved better than having someone like me in your life,” Tyler replies sadly.

“I was hurt.  You turned your back on me when I needed you.  But I could never hate you, Tyler, because I luuuuuuuuuuve youuuuu.”

“I really wish these chains were longer, so I can go over to your wall, and have End of the World Tomb Sex with YOU.”

“WORD!”

Seriously, I knew we were going to get some solid Forwood moments in this episode, but I was NOT expecting all this.  These type of in-depth eloquent conversations are the stuff FANFICTIONS are made of (REALLY GOOD FANFICTIONS!).  It’s just too bad about this whole pesky TOMB thing . . .

Fortunately, help is on the way . . .

Kat Gets BURNED (in more ways than one) . . .

KATHERINE:  “So, how many times would you say you’ve had me up against a wall, since the start of this season?  Like, once an episode?”

So, apparently, all Damon needed Alaric’s “help” with was getting invited back into Alaric’s house.  (That’s odd.  I thought Katherine let him in last time?)  If you recall, Damon saved Katherine’s ASS last week, by giving her vervain, so Klaus couldn’t compel her anymore.  Now, he’s back, and wanting to COLLECT on the favor.  Specifically, Damon wants to know where Klaus is hiding Tyler and Caroline.

“In your pants?”

Though Katherine, being KATHERINE, is initially unreceptive to Damon’s pleas for help, the threat of a Vampire Elena stealing Stefan’s heart for ALL ETERNITY causes her to change her tune, rather quickly.  “They are in the tomb,” she admits.

Moments after Damon leaves, Klaus returns, and begins to suspect that Katherine is on vervain, and, therefore, non-compel-able.  So, he plays a little game with her to “test” his hypothesis.  And we all know how much FUN Klaus’ games can be . . .

So, while the Salvatore Brothers and Caroline use their Sunscreen Rings to prevent from “burning,” Katherine apparently prefers an elegant gold bracelet.  Klaus makes her take it off, so she can “go get tan.”

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You see, that’s the problem with having to PRETEND TO BE COMPELLED when you’re not.  It only makes it that much more painful to do all the Crazy Crap you don’t want to do  Finally convinced that Katherine is not on vervain, Klaus asks Katherine for a special favor, of the non-sexual variety.  (She’s  been getting that a lot, lately .  . .)

Speaking of doing other’s favors . . .

Life Sucks and Tyler Bites (Damon?)

“I’m getting too old for this sh*t!”

When Damon arrives at the tomb, he encounters Klaus’ faithful Guard Dog, Maddox.  The two duke it out, with the “Magical Maddox” seeming to get the upper hand . . . that is until MATT(?) (who, by the way still blames DAMON for Vicki’s death) shoots Maddox?

Matt’s intentions for walking around, armed with a gun filled with WOODEN BULLETS, are still unclear.  Did he want to WARN Caroline about her mother, and merely bring the gun along as protection?  Was he going to SHOOT Caroline, before her mother got a chance to do so?  And what about his intention to shoot MADDOX?  Was he, perhaps, aiming for Damon instead, and simply missed?

Whatever the reason, Damon ends up pistol whipping Matt (YEAH!) and pocketing the remaining bullets in his gun. 

“Elena’s not the only one who gets to eat my hand!”

You are lucky I already screwed up once today,” says Damon to an unconscious, but still alive, Matt, as he walks over him and heads to the tomb (which is kind of funny, because I SERIOUSLY thought Damon was going to kill Matt, this week).

Once inside the tomb, Damon rescues Caroline, and, at Caroline’s insistence, Tyler too.  The problem, of course, is that Tyler is just minutes away from wolfing out . . .

On the way out of the tomb, the gang collects Matt (though he doesn’t deserve it).  And the foursome run in the direction of Freedom, that is .  . . until THIS happens . . .

Now, I love you TVD Costume Department.  But it must be said, those are the CHEESIEST-LOOKING WOLF TEETH I have ever seen!

When a half-transformed, Tyler lunges at the group, Damon (who has been in FULL-ON hero mode this ENTIRE HOUR) literally throws himself on the proverbial sword, propelling his body onto Tyler, and instructing the others to head to safety.  UH-OH!

 Matt and Caroline split from Damon to lock up Were-Tyler.  Meanwhile, Damon rushes back home to proudly tell Elena he’s Saved the Day (or so he THINKS).

By the way, did you notice how they changed Were-Tyler from a CGI wolf  . . .

. . .  to a REAL WOLF, since last time?

He’s WAY more CUDDLY now!  Mommy Like!

The Poo Hits the Fan . . . (and the Sacrifice Begins)

Back at Shrink Stefan’s Waterfall of Compassion, Elena and Stefan begin to head home at nightfall.  When they arrive, Klaus is waiting for them. 

Tearful goodbyes are exchanged.  And Elena, being the good MOMMY she is, instructs Stefan to close his eyes, so that he doesn’t have to watch the rest of the episode, because it’s “Veeeeeeeewwwy Scawwwy.”

Always one to have his brother do the dirty work, a Weepy Stefan calls Damon and tells him that, now that he’s already saved the rest of the Scooby Gang, it’s time to go Save Elena too.  (Man!  Talk about an unequal distribution of labor!  I hope Damon’s getting paid for this in sexual favors.) 

At Alaric’s house, Damon encounters the Man, the Myth, the Legend, Klaus . . .

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Vampire Apocalypse be DAMNED! These two dudes just wanna dance!

Unfortunately, for Damon, Katherine isn’t the only old vampire who always has a Plan B.  As it turns out, Tyler’s and Caroline’s capture was just a red herring to cover up for the REAL werewolf sacrifice . . .

(Remember when I said Jules was around when Caroline and Tyler were kidnapped?  I’m assuming this is when they took HER too.) 

But who’s the new VAMPIRE sacrifice?  Well, it’s NOT Damon, as he learns when he wakes up on Alaric’s floor, after having mysteriously fallen unconscious.

“Klaus said you were as good as dead,” explains Katherine, as she helps him up off the ground.  “What’s on your arm, Damon?”

Damon looks at his arm in horror . . . it couldn’t be . . . or could it?  Damon remembers tackling were-Tyler in the forest . . . He remembers something ELSE too (a very annoying SCAR on the history of TVD) . . .

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, please! NOT AGAIN!

Oh, Klaus, you’ve really done it this time!  YOU BREAK MY DAMON, I’LL BREAK YOUR FACE!

But what about that FAVOR Klaus asked of Katherine?

When Elena arrives with Greta to the site of the Sacrifice, she finds Jenna lying on the ground lifeless.  “But I did everything you asked?  Why did you do this to me?”  Elena cries, holding her Aunt’s limp body.

“Oh, she’s not dead,” says Greta, with a smirk.  “She’s (dun . . . dun .  . . dun) IN TRANSITION.”

And the hits just keep on coming . . .

So, for those of you keeping score.  Here’s how our TEAMS stacked up today . . .

Team HUMAN: minus 1 (potentially minus 2, assuming the Sacrifice goes as planned)

Team Vampire: plus 1 (potentially plus 2)

Team Witch: minus 1

Team Werewolf: (potentially minus 1)

Team Werewolf Bite-Infected Vampire:  Plus 1 *sobs*

Team Were-Vamp Hybrid: ????

Based on the chilling extended promo, Next Week’s TVD installment, “The Sun Also Rises,” (which is also the penultimate episode of Season 2) promises one VERY GORY Sacrifice Ritual, some massive overacting serious wolfing out on the part of Klaus, lots more Crazy Eye Damon (except, now he’s got a REALLY good excuse for it), some Witch Hijinks and a Gilbert funeral?  You can check it all out here . . .

So, tell me Fangbangers, are YOU ready for the Sacrifce?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Come on, Damon, Light My Fire! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The House Guest”

DAMON:  “Do you smell something burning?”

KATHERINE:  “There’s a fire . . . in my pants.  I’m burning up for your love, Damon.”

DAMON: “Katherine, it’s the 21st Century.  They have creams for that now .  . .”

Whew!  Well, THIS was a doozy of a TVD episode, wasn’t it?  Let’s see . . .

(1) We got to see Damon become more smokin’ HOT than ever before . . .

“Poke her, with that POKER, Damon!”

(2) Lots of sh*t caught fire (including the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls) .   . .

(3) We were treated to a very Gleeky musical review, brought to you by the Vampire Barbie, herself.   . .

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(4) Ding, Dong TWO witches are dead (for the price of JUST ONE!).

OOPS!  Won’t be using THAT screencap anymore!

(5) And the two MOST CLUELESS folks in Mystic Falls, FINALLY got a CLUE .  . . well  . . . sort of . . .

But, I think, if I had to choose my absolute FAVORITE part of “The House Guest” . .  . it would be all the highly sexualized Kat / Damon moments included therein.  After all, THESE moments added quite a few very sexy screencaps to my ever-growing collection.   And, of course, immediately upon concluding this recap, I plan to insert said screencaps into my”Damon & ELENA Forever” scrapbook.  (Yes, I said, Damon and ELENA!  What the rest of the world doesn’t know, won’t hurt them?  Right?)

But enough about my FAVE Soon-To-Be Couple, we’ve got a show to recap!

You Got SCHOOLED!

“Come on, Stefan!  If we don’t leave now, we’ll be late for school.  Remember school?  It’s that thing we keep forgetting to GO to?” Elena sing-songs, as she grabs seductively onto Stefan Salvatore’s shirt collar, in one of the at least six bedrooms of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.

That’s right!  Contrary to popular belief (and the fact that we haven’t actually seen her attend class since around the middle of Season 1), Elena IS, in fact, still a high school student.  And the clever, self-deprecating, writers of this show aren’t afraid to point out that, due to plot logistics, “attendance” doesn’t exactly appear to be Elena’s strong suit.  But let’s face it.  It’s not all Elena’s fault.  The fact that Stefan’s a little Horn Dog, who attended high school for literally centuries, and STILL doesn’t seem to own a diploma, certainly doesn’t help . . .  (Baby Salvatore is kind of like a Vampire Van Wilder, in that way!)

“Welcome to Home School!  Our first class of the day is Sex Education.”

But Elena’s got WAY more pressing problems than an overly amorous boyfriend, who will quite possibly make her late for class for the 35th time this year.  She’s got a case of mistaken identity on her hands .  . .

You know, last week, when Katherine popped out of Damon’s shower, asking for a robe, and a place to “sleep,” I just assumed that the rest of the Scooby Gang would get filled in on the identity of the newest Salvatore House Guest OFF SCREEN.  So, color me surprised, when Damon forcefully pushed Elena up against a wall, merely for wishing him “Good Morning” (So HOT, by the way!).  Interestingly enough, Elena had no CLUE why Damon would possibly mistake her for her doppelganger, when said doppelganger was supposedly still locked away in a Deep Dark Tomb!

Color me even more surprised, when, upon hearing of Katherine’s Great Tomb Escape, Stefan, not only doesn’t “rescue” his girlfriend from Damon’s clutches, he PUSHES HER AGAINST THE WALL, TOO?

“Really?  The WALL . . . AGAIN?  Why does everybody have to get pushed up against the WALL on this show?  That flimsy piece of plaster has probably seen more action in a single SEASON than Katherine has seen in her ENTIRE LIFE . . . and she’s Super Slutty.”

Fortunately, for Elena (or, unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), the REAL Katherine materializes in the doorway, and shows both Salvatore Brothers they are Wall Raping the Wrong Gal . . .

“If that were ME on the Wall, smothered by Salvatores, I’d have my clothes off, before you could say, ‘Katherine Pierce.’  That Elena is such a PRUDE!”

Needless to say, Elena is NOT pleased about the idea of having to share her precious Salvatores with another girl, who, coincidentally, also used to bone them both.   “Get her out of here!”  Elena yelps.

“Do you think our boyfriends will FINALLY be able to tell us apart, when you have a pretty stake sticking out of your heart?”

But Elena is not going to be able to get rid of the Kat so easily.  After all, having been Santa Klaus’ Honey Bunny back in the day, Katherine alone possesses the unique knowledge the Scooby Gang needs to kill the Big Bad Vamp We Still Have Never Seen.  And so, Katherine stays behind, while a grumbling Elena exits Stage Left, still trying in vain to remember what the heck her high school actually looks like . . .

“So, that’s high school, huh?   OK.  We’ve seen it.  Now, let’s LEAVE!”

On the way into school, Stefan offers to sleepover at Elena’s house, for a change, so the pair can keep their distance from a certain pesky doppelganger.  (Ahhh . . . another night at the Gilberts.  Hey, remember that episode, where Useless Aunt Jenna started randomly making lewd comments to Stefan about how LOUD he and Elena were during sex?  GOOD TIMES!) 

Unfortunately, for Stefan, Having Loud Sex While Jenna Listens is not on the agenda for tonight, not when Elena has already planned a “Girl’s Night,” with her besties, Caroline and Bonnie.  “Maybe KATHERINE could join us,” Elena snarks.

EXCELLENT IDEA, Elena!  I mean, seriously, how AWESOME would it be to have Vampire Katherine at YOUR Slumber Party?

“Hey girls!  What do you say, we play Truth or Dare and I compel you all to pick DARE each time?”

Speaking of Elena’s besties, Bonnie has been trying to maintain a secret relationship with Jeremy, ever since the Hot Energy Channeling / Saliva Swapping Party they had together, last week.

BONNIE:  “We can’t stand together like this all day.  Someone will notice.”

JEREMY:  “Just tell them I’m a very Close Talker.”

As for Caroline, she’s still trying to rekindle her relationship with Matt . . . but having limited success.

At school, Vampire Barbie and Still Clueless Ken continue to dance around their many issues.   Both parties are given an excellent opportunity to be honest with one another about their recent interactions with the recently departed Tyler.  But Caroline refuses to tell Matt about the connection she shared (and STILL shares) with Teen Wolf . . .

Meanwhile, Matt refuses to admit that his final conversation with Tyler included (1) Tyler admitting that he had fallen for Caroline; (2) Matt agreeing to “take care of Caroline” at Tyler’s request . . .

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Despite BOTH parties being to blame for the standstill at which their relationship currently rests, Matt announces to Caroline that she knows how he feels, and that it is “Her Move.”  Fortunately for Caroline (or UNFORTUNATELY, if you are a Forwood Fan like me), she sees a poster on the School Bulletin Board that gives her a good idea of what her next “Move” will be . . .

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon is blowing Elijah .  . .

. . . with a Blow Torch, that is.

Kudos to Damon for being just as clever as most of us fans are.  After all, the Elder Salvatore came up with precisely the same solution many of us suggested for the “Keep the Dagger, Lose the Body” Elijah Conundrum. 

The problem with this plan, of course (as Kat smugly notes, when she comes upon Damon still “carrying a torch” for her), is that, as an Original Vampire, Elijah’s body is COMPLETELY INDESTRUCTIBLE.  (See?  Even as a DEAD and UNCONSCIOUS guy, Elijah is one of the Coolest Characters on this Show!)

Unable to have the Baked Elijah dessert he was so hoping to enjoy, Damon turns his massively large and VERY phallic torch on Kat . . .

And just by the look on Kat’s face, when she sees that big STICK of Damon’s just inches away from her nether regions, we can tell that, unlike Elijah, Katherine is, indeed, VERY destructible.  “We want the same thing [Klaus dead].”  Katherine pleads with Damon, who is training his trademark Crazy Eyes on her, as we speak.  “And I always get what I want.”

Memories!

Talk about a Mood Killer!  Damon chooses this moment to bring up that time in the Not-So-Distant past, when Katherine reverse psychologied Damon into trying to stake Elijah with the Original’s Killing Dagger, knowing FULL WELL, that the mere act of doing so would KILL HIM.  “Yes, I knew you would die, Damon,” Katherine admits remorselessly, before leaving the basement.

It’s the End of Luka, As We Know Him  . . . (A.K.A. Why Jonas SUCKS as both a father and a HUMAN BEING!)

You know what, Stefan?  You have REALLY got to give up this whole “Trusting Other Supernatural Creatures” thing you’ve got going on!  Let’s see . . . in just the past few episodes . . . you trusted Isobel, and she tried to get Damon killed.  You trusted Tyler, and he let Brady and Jules kidnap and torture Caroline.  Now, your trusting Jonas and Luka.  And we all know THAT isn’t going to end well, either . . .

The Truth Hurts, doesn’t it, Mr. Vamp-tastic?

Allow me to give you some free advice, Little Salvatore.  Remember that  “I Used to Be a Monster Until Lexi Saved Me” confession you made to Elena last week?  Well, next time, let’s all just try to assume that every other Supernatural Creature on this show, who ISN’T part of your Scooby Gang, was NEVER saved by Lexi, and, therefore, is still very much a MONSTER.  Mmmm Kay?

Anyway, Stefan gets this brilliant idea that he and Bonnie can broker a deal with Jonas and Luka (also, apparently, known as “The Martins,” who knew?).  Under this “agreement” the Scooby Gang and “The Martins” can all kill Klaus together, like One Big Happy Family of Monsters.  So, Stefan arranges a meeting with the father/son team at .  . .  where else(?) the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  At that meeting, Stefan offers the family “his word” that they will not come to any harm, under his watch. (Haha!  Good one, Stefan!)

To his credit, Luka . . .

. . . (who, in all honesty, seems like he wouldn’t be such a bad guy, if he didn’t have such an ASSHAT for a dad), wants to take Stefan up on his offer.  But, alas, Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother thinks the Scooby Gang is not to be trusted.  Furthermore, he believes that ELIJAH, not Stefan, is the key to defeating Klaus, and rescuing his daughter.  And so, Papa and Luka plan some Weird Mystic Seance Ritual, with the ultimate goal of “waking up” Elijah from his dagger-induced slumber . . .

Ever notice how every witch ritual on this show seems to involve Dark Rooms, Romantic Scented Candles, and lots of Hand Holding?  If I didn’t know any better, I’d say all this Witch / Warlock Mumbo jumbo is just one GIANT excuse to Cop a Feel . . .

So, here’s the plan.  Jonas and Luka hold hands and chant Ring Around the Rosie, or some crap like that.  This allows them to combine their powers, and project an Invisible Jonas into La Casa de Rich and Awesome, where he should be able to remove the Originals’ Killing Dagger from Elijah’s belly undetected. 

(Now I’m not a PARENT, so I can’t speak from actual experience.  But wouldn’t a GOOD DAD, who needed entry into a house of Bloodthirsty Vampires, go there HIMSELF, as opposed to sending his own flesh and blood into the Lion’s Den, FOR HIM?  Just sayin.’)

Parenting FAIL!

So, we see Luka’s “double” project himself inside the basement of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  He finds Elijah on the ground, and begins to pull the dagger from his stomach.  Fortuntely, for our Scooby Gang, Katherine is also in the basement, picking up a Blood Snack.  Being the astute old vamp she is, Katherine promptly notices that the dagger in Elijah’s tummy is seemingly moving outward, on its own.  

Using her vampire strength and vast sexual experience, Katherine immediately begins the arduous task of sticking the large phallic object back inside the male form, lying prone in front of her.”

This sh*t’s HARD!  I really need to start working out more.  All that time in the tomb has made me flabby.  Hmmm  . . . I wonder what kind of Home Gym the Salvatores have . . .”

Back in the “Martin” house, Jonas instructs Luka to stake Katherine.  And he does . . . Though, honestly, I’m not sure what weapon he uses, considering the only one readily available is currently stuck inside Elijah. 

Then, Damon magically appears . . .

Yes, he was dressed (and dry) at the time.  But I decided to use this picture to illustrate him, anyway.  And you’re complaining because . . . ?

Damon prompty un-stakes Katherine.  Then, out comes that trusty BLOW TORCH AGAIN!  (You KNEW that was coming!)  Now Luka is on fire, both in La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and inside his home.  But because no one on this show ever goes to school, the poor guy doesn’t realize he’s supposed to “Stop, Drop, and Roll.”

“I wonder if my homeowner’s insurance will cover this .  . .”

And then THIS happens . . .

Nice knowing ya, Luka!

As for Jonas (who’s 100% at fault for his son’s premature demise, by the way), he immediately starts making all these weird growling noises, like he’s auditioning for yet another remake of The Hulk.  And, inappropriate as it may be, it’s kind of hard not to laugh at the guy, when he’s yelping like Chewbacca from Star Wars.  But I bite my lower lip, and manage to keep quiet.  After all, “Dead Luka” was kind of adorable when he played “Little Richie” on Family Matters  (See above).  So, for that reason, he deserves my respect .  . .

“Arrrrahhhhhhh grrrrooooooooooooo eeeeee!”

Speaking of Dead Witches . . .

In much lighter news, Damon and Katherine READ TOGETHER.  Alert the media . . .

Those of you astute fans, who guessed that Elijah was yammering on about Witch Massacres in History, last week, for a REASON, can mentally pat yourself on the back for a job well done . . .

As it turns out, ELIJAH didn’t own an Orignal’s Killing Dagger (Gee, I wonder why? ;))  However, HE did figure out that, when a witch dies, it leaves some of it’s power at it’s final resting place.  Elijah therefore reasoned that the spot in Mystic Falls, where a whole bunch of witches were killed, would be the IDEAL place for a “Witchily Re-energized” Elijah to kill Klaus. 

Still not willing to trust Katherine (Note to Stefan:  Distrust = a good thing!), when Damon finds the location of the Witch Massacre, as it is described in Jonathan’s books, he quickly passes this information along to his brother.  However, Damon purposely keeps the information from Katherine, despite the fact that she’s been helping him “research” all this time. 

(Knowing our writers, this will probably end up biting our Favorite Brooding Bad Boy Vamp in the ass, later.  And yet, I would have done exactly the same thing, if I was him . . .)

But before all that “learning” happens, we are treated to a few insanely hot moments of Damon and Kat, play fighting / dry humping one another all over the Salvatore Study . .  .

Mommy like!

But don’t you worry, Delena fans!  Damon still hasn’t quite forgiven Katherine yet for the whole, “I’ll Send Him Off to DIE” thing.  And, to add insult to injury, a suddenly SUPER honest Katherine chooses her Sexy Times with Damon to admit that she had initially bargained with Isobel and John (who wanted BOTH Salvatores dead) to save Stefan’s life over Damon’s.

(Note to Katherine:  The next time you try to get someone KILLED, but still want to have sex with them, when they ask you questions about it.  LIE!  LIE LIKE THE WIND!)

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Meanwhile, back at the Gilbert house . . .

Girl-Bonding, Confessions, and Eternal Flames

Tired of listening to Self-Absorbed, Party Pooping, Useless Aunt Jenna whine about how Alaric isn’t being honest with her  (“He’s only lying to protect you!” Caroline explains . . . and SHE would know!), the girls, at Caroline’s suggestion, decide to head out to .  . . you guessed it . . . the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

(Little do the girls know that Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother has TRACKED Elena there, by fondling her Cheerleading Picture and Hairbrush.  Be afraid, Elena.  BE VERY AFRAID!)

At the Bar, Useless Aunt Jenna proceeds to get herself completely wasted, while giving Alaric the Cold Shoulder for his failure to explain TWO SEASONS of The Vampire Diaries to her in under five minutes . . .

Way to multitask, Girlfriend!

Speaking of cold shoulders, Caroline is still getting one from Matt.  And this prompts her to do something VERY BOLD!

After compelling the local musical talent to help her, “live out her rockstar fantasies, onstage” (LOVE HER!) Caroline expresses her feelings for Matt, by breaking into a surprisingly AWESOME rendition of the classic 80’s tune “Eternal Flame,” by the Bangles.

(Of course, the song’s title ends up being entirely prophetic, both in terms of Caroline’s “eternal” vampire status, and the fact that the whole place is about to, literally, go up in flames .  . . But, for now, we can just enjoy the “moment.”) 

When Caroline finishes singing, Matt hops up on stage, and plants a kiss on her lips, which is WAY more impressive than the lame one he gave her, a few episodes back though, not nearly as impressive as Tyler’s Ambush Kiss!.

While, Caroline and Matt head into the kitchen to make out some more, Bonnie decides to lay a little truth on Elena.  “Would it freak you out if I started dating your brother?”  Bonnie inquires, seemingly out of the blue.

“Well, it’s about damn time!”

Elena’s response is truly heartfelt, eloquent, and beautiful.  And, even though I don’t necessarily agree with it’s sentiment, I adore our heroine, for having the wherewithal to say exactly what her best friend needed to hear.  “My brother has been through a lot, lately,” begins Elena.  (Well THAT’S the understatement of the CENTURY!)

“He deserves to be with someone as amazing as you,” Elena concludes.  (Ummmmm . . . OK .. . if you say so!)

Unfortunately, the girls’ happiness doesn’t last long.  Hulked Out Chewbacca-Sounding Jonas starts burning the walls of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, in search of Elena.  Fortunately, Damon, Stefan, and  . . . get this . . . Katherine . . . have gotten wind of what Jonas is trying to do, and have headed to the burning bar to save her.  Bonnie, for her part, tries to reason with Jonas . . .

But Jonas is WAY beyond reason (and speaking English, for that matter)!  He simply puts his hand on Bonnie’s head, gives her a massive headache, and walks away.   Eventually, Jeremy finds Bonnie, and the two leave the bar together.  Thankfully,Stefan is also able to locate Elena, and get her out of the club, before Crazed Firestarter Jonas can get to her . . .

Oh!  Bloody HELL!

Caroline and Matt, however, are not so lucky.  (Ahhhh, the dangers of Making Out in Kitchens During a Massive Bar Fire!)  Ever the kickass heroine, upon seeing Evil Jonas, the plucky Caroline vamps out and pounces on the witch.  As a result of her heroism, Caroline is rewarded with (SURPRISE!) yet another Witchy Migraine.  (Way to be not-at-all creative in your torture tactics, Jonas.  To make matters worse, the now-crying Caroline is then tossed aside, like a stale piece of meat. 

To his credit, the typically Bland Matt rushes to Caroline’s rescue, only to BE STAKED IN THE NECK with a VERY sharp object.

I hate to break this to you Matt.  But red . . . is totally NOT your color.

Watching her boyfriend bleed to death, right before her eyes, Caroline has no choice but to eat him do THIS . . .

A little while later, when Matt regains consciousness . . .

“Weirdest .  . . dream . . . ever.”

 . . . Caroline makes the controversial decision NOT to compel Clueless Ken to forget what happened.  Instead, she decides to come clean to him about exactly WHAT she is . . .  a vampire.  To say that Matt doesn’t take the news well is an understatement . . .

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Look familiar?

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See what I MEAN . .. about the repeated throwing . . . of the people . . . against the WALLS?

Now Tyler, was TOTALLY cool with Caroline being a vampire . . . at least, initially.  He freaked out on Caroline for being dishonest with him about OTHER vampires.  On the other hand, Matt immediately assumes that, JUST BECAUSE Caroline is a vampire, she, MUST have killed his sister, Vicki.

(In the words of Brittany S. Pierce, “That is SO RACIST!”)

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Meanwhile, back at the Gilbert House  . . .

Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah, Hey, Hey, Hey, GOODBYE!

SAYONARA SUCKA!

Jeremy and Bonnie are rejoicing over Jonas’ surprising RE-GIFTING of Bonnie’s powers, and her newfound plans to conquer Klaus, herself (Yeah . . . because THAT’s going to work out well!). This Happy-Happy, Joy-Joy time with “Jonnie” is interrupted, when Stefan, and a surprisingly prickly “Elena” barge into the house. 

“It’s not over yet,” says “Elena” brusquely, as she rushes upstairs toward the bathroom, leaving Stefan to explain to the rest of the Scooby Crew what the heck is going on . . .

We then see “Elena” look in the bathroom mirror.  Within seconds, Jonas materializes behind her.  Then, THIS happens . . .

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HAHA!  FOOLED YOU! 

So now . . . Jonas is dead.  And, of course,  judgy Bonnie, is whining about how she “didn’t have to kill him.”   (Ummm . . . Bonnie . . . actually . . .  SHE REALLY DID!)

Meanwhile, in my mind, Elena and Damon are ALONE in La Casa de Rich and Awesome having REALLY HOT SEX . . .

(A girl can DREAM, can’t she?)

When Kat and Stefan return, Elena is not all that happy to see her doppelganger, despite the fact that Kat has “graciously” returned the vervain necklace to her lookalike . . .  (Now, why does this scene strike me as familiar?)

*sings* Memories .  . . like the corners of my mind . . . Misty water-colored MEMORIES!

Kat promises Elena that she is not a threat to her.  After all, Kat presumably needs Elena alive, in order to kill Klaus.  The question is, can we really trust THE KAT. 

Well, I can’t speak for Stefan or Elena, but, after watching these next two scenes, I know what DAMON would say . . .

Kat Gets DE-NIED!

In the study of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Kat decides to decompress, by reading a little more about the Exciting Life of Jonathan Gilbert (Zzzzzz!).  Fortunately, Kat doesn’t have to be bored for long.  Damon is there waiting for her, with a VERY SPECIAL SURPRISE!

SURPRISE! 🙂

“That’s for trying to get me killed.  Next time, it goes in your head,” Damon growls.

Apparently, Kat finds this whole “Staking Thing” a HUGE turn on, because she winds up in Damon’s MASSIVELY LARGE bed, just a few hours later.

Suddenly, Kat is being all coquettish and seductive.  Before we know it, she’s straddling Damon, and kissing him ALL OVER!

Damon’s response to this seduction:  “There are at least six other bedrooms in this house, why don’t you go find one of them?”

Translation:  Umm . . . Kat . .  .

Alternate Translation:  “I LOVE YOU, ELENA!”

See these?

They belong to KAT, now! 

Girlfriend, I feel your pain.  I’ve been there . . . well . . . sort of.  Might I suggest a VERY COLD SHOWER?

In other news . . . Alaric told Jenna he loves her . . . zzzzzzzzzzzz .  . . He’s also still wearing WAY too much guyliner . . .

As for Jenna, well, in the last few seconds of the episode, she gets a Very Special Visitor . . .

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She’s BAAAACK!

Jenna . . . you remember ISOBEL, right?  You know, Alaric’s supposedly DEAD wife?  The one who also, at least according to her, is Elena’s BIO MOM?

Oh, Alaric . . . you’ve got some ‘SPLAINING to do!

And, there you have it, the LAST Vampire Diaries episode until  . . . APRIL 7th!

Don’t worry, Fangbangers!  We’ll get through this together . . .

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries