“I Know Who Killed Me,” a Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Fugitives”

[Greetings Fangbangers!  The TVD Season 3 Finale Recap is on its way.  I should have it up by early Saturday morning, EST!  We have A LOT to talk about!]

“Try and hit me with your car again, LOSERS!” 

Greetings Upper East Siders! This week on GG, Donut Dan’s frightening Medusa-like bedhead, and crippling self doubt, threatened to end his relationship with Blair.

But,  unfortunately, it’s not quite dead . . . yet . . . just paralyzed from the waist down, and begging to be put out of its misery.

Also on GG, Lola and Ivy gave us a glimpse into the future of both of their respective acting careers  . . . by posing as high middle lower-middle class call girls.

Meanwhile, Serena, after weeks of pretending to be Gossip Girl, put on a headband, and pretended to be Blair Waldorf instead.  (Clearly, this is a Multiple Personality Disorder waiting to happen.)

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In other news, Bart Bass is adjusting to not being dead anymore.  And who knows?  In another year or two he might even re-learn how to emote and display real facial expressions . . .

So, slap on your sassiest headband, pick up your favorite flavor of gelato (as long as it’s not pistachio), and, for Heaven’s Sake, hide your diary, because it’s time for another GG cap . . .

“What did we bury that day?”

I suspect few GG fans would disagree with me, when I say that, as amusing as Bart Bass: Real Estate Magnate of the Undead is to watch, it’s pretty much the most ridiculously unbelievable plotline these writers have ever put on our screens . . . well, except for maybe that whole “Pact with G*d” thing.  Actually, Chuck Bass thinks it’s pretty ridiculous too. This is why he meets with his father, early on in the episode, in hopes of getting some much needed answers for himself, and, by extension, GG viewers.

“You look pretty good, for someone who’s been underground for three years, dad.  Was there a tanning bed in your hidey hole?” 

Bart explains to Chuck how one of his Big Bad Competitors . . . one with some all-too-convenient “connections to the mob,” tried to get Bart killed in that fateful car accident.  So, Bart, being the strong, powerful, manly man that he is, decided to deal with it by . . . going Ninja on his would be killer’s ass      going to the police and having him arrested  ruining him financially by buying out all his hotels    using his own mob connections to kill the guy right back  giving him a royally painful wedgie  burrowing in an underground hole for three years, while wearing a Snuggie, and watching a whole lot of Real Housewives episodes.  Bart Bass . . . MY HERO!

“This guy even makes ME look good!”

But Chuck’s not done with his interrogation.  There’s so much about this situation that still confuses him . . . and me.  Like, for example, how did Bart manage to fake a flatline in the hospital, while the entire Bass / VDW clan was standing over him, pretending to be genuinely upset about his demise?  And what or who exactly did they put in Bart’s coffin for the faux funeral?  Actually, I have a few ideas about that one . . .

Also, how did Zombie Bart manage to sneak blood to Chuck, without anyone knowing he was there .  . . or that he supposedly has no pulse?  Chuck wants to know the answers to all these questions.  But, most of all, he wants to know who tried to have his father killed, so that he can get REVENGE.

 “Avenging the not real death of my father . . . I think I read a book about that once . . .”

So, Bart answered these questions, right?  I mean, of course, he had to answer these questions.  A show simply can’t have a character come back from the dead, after three years, without explaining to fans how it happened . . . right?  RIGHT?

Noooo . . . sorry.  You lose, Chuck Bass!  Thanks for playing!  Better luck next Undead Dad!

By the way, I miss Monkey.  Where’s he been lately? 

It would have been easy to laugh off a moment like this.  But Ed Westwick gave the situation some genuine gravitas, illustrating how this cold callous man had the power to transform the  dignified, often cocksure, adult Chuck Bass, into a vulnerable boy in desperate need of his father’s love and affection.  “What is this?  You’re kicking me out?  You’re just going to disappear, and leave me alone again?” Chuck inquires, eyes filling with tears, as one of his father’s henchmen bodily removes him from the premises.

It’s literally impossible not to feel for Chuck in this scene.  And yet Bart Bass seems to manage it quite well.  Seriously, I’m starting to think that the guy is actually a cyborg.  It would explain so much . . .

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Louis-bot approves . . . 

Despite all this, Chuck is still determined to vanquish his father’s enemies, Amanda Clarke from Revenge-style.  He turns first to one of his most “loyal and trusting” henchmen, Andrew Tyler.  You know, the guy who Chuck is forever throwing ridiculous sums of money at to provide him with misinformation nearly every week?  But Andrew doesn’t want to take the case, despite Chuck’s willingness to pay him three-times his normal fee.  He, apparently, has better things to do . . . like needlepoint . . . or spelunking.

“I’m not just a P.I. / lawyer.  I’m also dress up like a clown for children’s birthday parties . . .” 

Come on, Andrew Tyler!  Buck up, buddy.  Chuck is offering you obscene amounts of money to find the secret not-killer of a secret not-dead guy.  And he’s pretty much guaranteed to pay you, even if you provide him with the wrong name.  (He’s done it before!)  So, tell him it was Oscar the Grouch or something, take the money, and run.  It’s not like you actually have “morals,” or anything . . .

Shunned by his father, and spurned by the uber-un-talented Andrew Tyler, Chuck is now more determined than ever to find out who orchestrated his father’s car accident, all those years ago . . .

“No need to be a Jealous Freak.”

While Donut Dan is in the shower, wrestling with the ferocious Chia Pet that, since last week, has made a nest in his head and given birth to an entire litter of tiny baby Chias . . .

. . .  Blair is busy sexting with Chuck . . .

Chuck’s reply text: “I’m fine now that I got this pesky underwear off.  How are you?”

(By the way, I love that Blair is so prim and proper in her texting. She even uses capital letters and punctuation marks.)

Unfortunately, before Blair can tell Chuck that she’s not wearing underwear, she receives a call from Dan’s agent, who quickly informs her that the Donut has turned down Italy on her behalf.  Blair, understandably, is furious.  I mean, here she was, finally being given the opportunity to spend the summer away from Donut Dan, so that she could carry out an awesomely torrid affair with Chuck Bass across every limo in Manhattan . . .

. . .  and Humpty Humphrey totally ruined it for her.

So, selfish, right?

Blair begs the Donut to reconsider his decision.  After all, she explains, “Rome is just two glasses of Chardonnay away . . . assuming you drink wine really, really, really slowly.”

She goes on to assure this puff pastry that he has absolutely nothing to worry or be jealous about, when it comes to Chuck.  And her argument would probably be considered pretty convincing too . . . provided Dan has never rented the first four seasons of Gossip Girl on DVD . . .

“The most important thing in a relationship is trust . . . after sex, hygiene, and earning potential.”

Though Blair acts all cool, calm and collected with her hairy temporary tattoo of a boyfriend, beneath the surface, she’s furious with him for lying to her.  And so she turns to the only woman who could really understand her pain . . . Serena van der Woodsen, the woman who’s not-so-secretly still in love with Dan.  Way to be sensitive, Waldorf!

Ditched by Dan, canned by Nate, bested by Serena, and ousted by Gossip Girl herself, you can tell that the slings and arrows of life have started to take their toll on Serena.  For starters, she’s wearing a sweater that looks like it’s been chewed up and spit out, by a pack of rabid coyotes . . .

“Some girls eat their feelings, when they get upset, I eat my fabrics.”

And when Blair starts waxing poetic about the trust issues threatening her totally lame relationship with the Donut, and how honestly is like the eighth most important thing in a good relationship (distantly behind good sex and hygiene, and not getting your hair done by the Tazmanian Devil), Serena feels compelled to confess her own Gossip Girl-centric sins to her bestie . . .

“Oh, while we are on the subject, I’m also secretly Perez Hilton and that ‘I’m a lawyer’ guy from TMZ.” 

So, was Blair furious with her BFF for hiding this HUGE secret from her?  Not a bit!  In fact, Blair seemed more disappointed that she herself didn’t get the opportunity to dirty blog the “scandalous lives of Manhattans elite,” than betrayed by her bestie.  Now that Blair mentions it, I too am kind of disappointed that the sassy, manipulative and side-splittingly sarcastic, “Origina Gangster” Queen B never got to take the helm as Gossip Girl.  For one thing, I think she would have been ten times better than Georgina or Serena at the job . . . giving the actual GG a real run for her money, in the process.

Also, it would have been a heck of a lot more interesting to watch then this whole “pretending to date Dan fiasco.”

Speaking of Blair’s love life, she runs into Chuck Bass, as she’s leaving Serena’s place.  As per usual, the chemistry between the two is electric.  Blair looks at Chuck, eyes filled with concern and thinly-veiled longing.  She wants to know how he’s processing this overload of information regarding his father.

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She can see the pain in his expression, though he tries to remain strong.  When Chuck tells her that his father is leaving town again, and asks for her help and moral support, she agrees without question.  It’s the only thing she can do.

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BLAIR: “You mean, aside from in your pants?  Not that I can think of?”

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“Waiiiiittt . . . what about meeeeeee?!!!” 

So, Blair follows Chuck into his limo for the second time in as many episodes LIMO SEX! LIMO SEX!  LIMO SEX!, while, Dan searches for her to share some boring important information about Italy. Haha!  SUCKA!

“When this Chair’s a-rockin  . . . take a taxi Humpty Humphrey.” 

“Dan needs you . . . to pretend you still have feelings for him.”

While Chuck and Blair wait to speak to Diana, in hopes of getting answers about Bart Bass’ past, Serena calls Blair to warn her that the Donut is on the prowl.

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“Dan needs you,” Serena warns.

(Um, sorry Dan, but Chuck needs her more.  Why don’t you call back when Rufus fake dies, and we can talk?)  Nevertheless, Serena’s guilt trips works on Blair enough to get her to leave Chuck with his not-mother Diana.

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Speaking of Diana, didn’t she have like the longest guest star stint, ever?  Because it sure seemed like she did.   That said, it’s hard not to enjoy a scene that begins with Chuck “thanking” Diana for lying about his father, traumatizing him for life, by pretending to be his mother, and f*&king his best friend.  (For that last one, Diana thanks him right back.  After all, when it comes to Nate Archibald, Chuck Bass has always been the Best Pimp Ever.)

“Nate always gets so slutty when he drinks.” 

Knowing full well that Nate Archibald has become the sex / blackmail monkey on her back, Diana is eager to strike with her not-son.  She agrees to tell Chuck who tried to kill his dad, in exchange for him getting Nate off her tail, and shipping her back to run a London newspaper with her “reputation” in tact.  (Um, what reputation, Slutty McWhoreson?)

Later, Diana pops by Chuck’s house to offer him the name of the murderer, in question: “Mason Nevens” . . . fakest . . . name . . . ever (my apologies to all those Mason Nevens out there, who might be reading this).  Apparently, “murderer” and “mob connected” aren’t Mason’s only flaws.  He also has a fetish for twin prostitutes.  (Apparently, it’s a requirement on the Upper East Side for all real estate magnates to be psychotic manwhores.)

Why am I thinking these aren’t the type of twins he’s talking about? 

Though Diana initially seems willing to help Chuck catch Mason en flagrante with the Ladies of the Night, in order to help him achieve vengeance on his father’s behalf  (I don’t know . . . I still think “murdering dad,” is a lot higher on the “bad news” list than “embarrassing me with fake hookers.”  But, hey, what do I know!), she quickly changes her tune, when she learns that Nate and Lola ratted her Escort Service running self out to the New York Times.

Chuck is understandably furious.  So, he comes clean to the rest of the gang about the whole situation with his not-dead dad, so that they know exactly what they just cost him.  Then again, since Diana already gave Chuck all the information he needs for the Mason Nevens smackdown, it sort of doesn’t matter anymore, anyway.  Feeling more than a bit guilty for what just happened, NJBC . . . and Lola vow to help Chuck carry out his plan.

“Exxcceeellllent.” 

Elsewhere, Blair learns that Dan has somehow managed to get back on the Summer in Italy writers roster, and has scored Blair a spot as well.  Blair, honestly, doesn’t seem too enthused about spending another summer, in another European country, with another boring boy toy who isn’t Chuck (remember Louis-bot?).  And yet, possibly out of feelings of guilt, Blair agrees to the trip, as well the preliminary interview with the folks who are running the program, which is supposed to take place later that day.

Of course, minutes before the interview is supposed to take place, Blair gets a call from the NJBC informing her that her scheming services are needed for Chuck’s Mason Neven’s Takedown.  “Ummm . . . I’ll be right back.  I have to go get . . . macaroons gelato . . . or something,” Blair fibs, as she makes her hasty retreat to Chuck Town.  Yeahh  . . . that’s my girl, Queen B.  It’s good to see that you have your priorities back in order . . .

“Handcuffs . . .every good girl has them.”

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To be perfectly honest, Blair’s role in the scheme of coaching Lola, and her “twin” Ivy in the art of playing believeable prostitutes, was kind of superfluous.  She absolutely could have done it over the phone, and still made it back in time for Dan’s stupid interview.  And the fact that Blair sent Serena to do it in her place, just shows how much more important Chuck is to her than the Donut.  Because of that, I agree with her actions wholeheartedly . . .

Oh yeah, and her High Class Hooker 101 monologue was just jam-packed with awesomeness.  “You think this is the first time I’ve entrapped someone with prostitutes,” Blair quips, when questioned about how exactly she knows all this stuff.

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(Are those crotchless panties? OMG!)

Speaking of Blair’s lingerie choices . . .

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(I see what you did there, writers.  You naughty little teases, you!)

Original Gangster Blair indeed . . .

Meanwhile, Nate’s and Lola’s New York Times tip, has Diana on the lam.  She’s planning to take Bart Bass out of the country, never to be seen again, ASAP.  This means Lola and Ivy better hurry up and be hookers fast (shouldn’t be that hard for Ivy)  . . .

. . . or Chuck will lose his father again . . . this time, possibly for good.

“You two make an . . . interesting . . . couple way more interesting than the REAL Dan and Blair.”

Back at La Casa de Waldorf, Donut Dan is shocked, when a headband clad Serena introduces herself to the “Italy Trip Interviewer Guy” as Blair.  So, he makes this face . . .

What I adored about the scene was the way that Serena used the interview and her false identity as a way to subtly bash the Dair relationship.  “We couldn’t stand eachother for years. Now we’re madly in love.  It’s like a movie,” Serena quips.  “We’re like Brad and Angelina, once they got Jennifer Aniston out of the way.”

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Dopey Dan, of course, knows exactly what Serena is doing, and is clearly uncomfortable in the situation, which makes me very happy.

Not surprisingly, Faux-Blair and Donut ace their interview, since Serena and Dan have always been a much more believable couple than Dan and Blair ever were.  Things almost go south, when Interviewer guy runs into Blair’s mother, who unwittingly refers to Serena by her proper name. But, fortunately, Dorota takes the bullet.  “I’m Serena!  I’m doing fine Miss Waldorf,” she says quickly.

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How can you not love Dorota?

After the interview, Donut Dan wonders out loud why Blair keeps lying to him.  He suspects it’s because she doesn’t really love him, and doesn’t want to go to Europe with him.  (Gee, ya think?)  Despite still being madly in love with Dan, Serena quells his fears about his relationship with Blair, by telling him the truth about the whole Chuck Bass Thing.  Donut Dan seems relieved by the explanation.  Donut Dan is an idiot . . .

“Inappropriate Transient Women.”

Back at the Whore House Hotel, Lola and Ivy giddily practice striking “sexy poses” in overpriced lingerie . . . .

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 . . . while they wait to entrap the elusive Mason Nevens.  Then, Andrew Tyler randomly pops up, and tell them that Chuck wants them to follow him back to Bart’s hideout.  Oh, come on Andrew!  “Daddy said you should come with me?”  That’s the Oldest Trick in the Child Abduction Handbook.  Anyone over the age of five would know that . . .

But not Ivy and Lola, who seemingly fall for the trick, hook, line and sinker.  However, Lola is skeptical enough at least to tell Blair where she’s going.  She, in turn, tells Chuck, and the plan is back in motion .  . . except there’s now a new target, Andrew Tyler himself.

In a TOTAL, “Scooby Doo,” “those meddling kids moment,” Father and Son Bass corner Mr. Tyler, and he sings like a canary.  Apparently, HE was the one who sold out Bart to Mason, when the latter threatened the lawyer / PI’s family.  Of course, the police are conveniently right outside the door to hear Little Orphan Andy say all of this.  They arrest him right there on the spot.  Nice knowing you, Andrew Tyler.  Try not to drop the soap!

Alone at last, Bart boredly thanks his son for bringing . . . well . .  . not his actual not-killer . . .  but the henchman of his not-killer  .  . . to justice.

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Although honestly, the elder Bass doesn’t seem all that enthused about it.   Is this just a Botox thing, or is Bart still hiding something?

For his part, Chuck conversationally quips that the only thing he ever learned from his father was how to screw around with “inappropriate transient women.”  On behalf of Inappropriate Transient Women everywhere, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Bart Bass for that as well.

Oh, and Bart still has to break it to Lily that she now has two husbands.  This ought to be fun . . .

*DOH!* 

In other news, Nate decided to not sell out Diana for being a Whore Monger, after all . . . how nice for her.

“Dear Diary . . . I’m so f*&ked.”

Back at the Waldorf house,  S and B share a super sweet moment, where they congratulate eachother on yet another NJBC victory, and Blair thanks Serena for doing such a great job impersonating her . .  . even if she did volunteer to teach English in Italy on Blair’s behalf. (Oops!)

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The besties then declare their love for one another, and Serena encourages Blair to DUMP THE DONUT, SO SHE CAN DATE HIM tell the Donut how she really feels about him.

But Blair and “I love you,” kind of have a bit of a checkered history . . .

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. . . so it’s understandable that she is a bit gun shy about saying those words to anyone other than Chuck Bass again also, she’s not in love with Dan . . . like at all.

“I want the next time I say [I love you] to be the last,” Blair muses.

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Good for you, Blair! That’s one of the smartest things you’ve said all season . . . though that thing you said before about the handcuffs was pretty genius too . . .

So, of course, now that S’s and B’s relationship is awesome again, the real Gossip Girl has to go eff it up, right?

Yep,  it appears Chuck Bass wasn’t the only one with vengeance on his mind this week.  Gossip Girl, herself, is still mighty pissed at Serena for stealing her laptop, and her title.  So, Serena’s going to pay for that, big time . . . with her relationship to Blair.  Apparently, Blair keeps a not very-well-protected diary of her inner most thoughts.   (Really, Blair?  Have you learned nothing from Every Teen Show Ever?)

Now, Gossip Girl has Blair’s pages scanned on her computer.  And she’s ready to share them with the world, GG-style.  She’s also proud to share the source of this new information.  And the winner is . . . wait for it . .  . Serena van der Woodsen.

So, what does the first page of the diary reveal?  Why, Blair’s lukewarm feelings for Humpty Humphrey, of course.

Ruh-roh Upper East Siders, I smell a cat fight!

Next week on Gossip Girl, Serena gets drunk and jiggy on a bar with maybe Donut Dan . . . or dreams about getting giggy with him .  . . or gets jiggy with Donut Dan’s bad hair twin, and imagines it’s him.  Also, Blair still loves Chuck.

Duh!  XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

“She Likes to Watch” – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Raiders of the Lost Art”

[ The Vampire Diaries’ “Before Sunset” recap is on its way, Fangbangers!  Check back here early Saturday morning, May 5th!]

Blair: (thinking to herself) “Chuck has such good hair!  I miss dating a guy with hair I can run my fingers through.  Last time I tried to do that with Dan, my hand got stuck.”

“O.G.B. – Original Gangster Blair.”  That was how Donut Dan referred to his soon-to-be -ex (Those two are SO dunzo.  I can’t wait!) girlfriend, upon hearing that, after weeks of residing in Castle Blahhh with him, our Queen B had finally decided to reunite with the rest of her old Non Judging Breakfast Club to hatch one of its infamous schemes.

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Cheesy and lame, though that nickname was (I mean, it came from Humpty Humphrey, after all) Donut Boy happened to have a point!

“Did TV Recappers Anonymous just give me a compliment?  Clearly, this is one of the signs of the apocalypse.” 

Not only did Blair seem more like her old strong, spunky, smart, seductive, and scheming self, this week, than she had been in weeks, the rest of the Upper East Side cast seemed more like itself too.  In “Raiders of the Lost Art,” the characters seemed better defined, the dialogue sharper, the plot twists twistier, and the Chair chemistry more swoonworthy than GG fans had seen, since the beginning of the season.  In short, this wasn’t just “Original Gangster Blair.”  It was “Original Gangster Gossip Girl.”

So break out your trusty cipher slide (or cereal box decoder ring . . . whatever), slip into some nice lingerie, and head on over to the Secret Sex Club, where your not-so-much dead dad likes to hide, because it’s time for another GG-cap . . .

All Gossip and No Play Make Serena a Dull Girl . . .

“I know I’m supposed to be writing a Gossip Girl blast.  But I just can’t seem to stop watching that YouTube video about the honey badger.” 

Why am I suddenly starting to get the feeling that, when they finally do reveal the REAL Gossip Girl, she will end up being this socially awkward nerdette, who hasn’t left the house, since high school?  (Either that, or it will end up being Lola . . . same difference)  One thing the whole Gossip Girl swapfest that’s played out over the course of the season has showed us is what a demanding job being GG can be, and just how much it infringes on your social life.

We saw it first with Georgina.  Now we are seeing it with former It Girl Serena, who seems to have spending the entire last third of the season, holed up in her room behind a computer screen.  (She’s also oddly started speaking like an 85-year old woman with emphysema.  What’s up with that?)  Honey, when your best friend’s housekeeper starts making fun of you for not having a life, you have some serious problems on your hands.

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Dorota is judging you . . .

Serena seems to be in the need of a serious Gossip Girl Intervention.  And Newbie Interloper Lola (or Serena Lite, as Blair cleverly nicknamed her), and her current boy toy Nate (Lola knows Serena is Gossip Girl.  Nate just pretends to believe her, because the sex is really good.) are the perfect people to break her of her Nasty Little Blogging Habit.

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Speaking of Dirty Little Secrets, Nate is intent on finding out what Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Thing Diana is hiding that prompted her to PRETEND to be his best friend’s bio mom.  (Because seriously, how sick is that?  It’s almost sicker than having sex with your real kid’s best friend, while he sleeps next door.  But not quite . . .)

Nate theorizes that once he finds out this secret, not only will he be able to offer Chuck the truth about his maternity (and paternity?), he will also be able to oust Diana from his Little Newspaper that Could . . . the Spectator.

This little theory prompts Nate to steal Diana Von Slutterstein’s day planner from her underwear drawer during one of the erstwhile couple’s heated impromptu sex sessions.  (Way to take one for the team, Nateypoo!)

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“This is SOOO hard.” 

The only problem, of course, is that Ms. Von Slutterstein apparently keeps entries on her day planner in code.  Well, THAT seems like a lot of unnecessary work.  Why not just have an ELECTRONIC DAYPLANNER with a PASSWORD like everyone else?  Hey Diana, 1985 called . . . it wants your coded dayplanner back.

Hoping that Serena’s newfound friendship with Diana McWhoreson gives her an inside advantage to tracking down the code for the dayplanner, Silly Lola puts all her cards on the table for her scheming half sister.  “We stole Diana’s [book],” Lola admits proudly.

“When even I think it’s a bad idea, something is REALLY wrong.”

Now, most of the time, Serena can be pretty darn dense.  But it seems as though her tenure as Gossip Girl has had the unintended affect of garnering her a few extra IQ points.  Rather than fall, hook, line, and sinker for Lola’s ploy, Serena gamely plays both sides against one another, by offering to help Lola find the decoder one minute, while revealing to Diana the NJBC’s plans against her in another . . .

*insert evil laugh here*

Oh, Serena . . .you might just be Lily’s daughter, and Cece’s granddaughter after all.  It appears the vastly over-priced Big Apple, doesn’t fall far from its well manicured tree . . .

Nate’s Brain and Dan’s Personality Hair: Two things the Wizard of Oz needs to fix

Meanwhile in Brooklyn, Blair continues her losing battle to make Donut Dan look slightly less like a homeless hippie time-traveler from 1972, by getting him to shave and cut his hair.  (Seriously, at the rate it’s growing, Dan’s mop top is going to be down to his ass, by the middle of next season.)

 Apparently though, the Donut’s hair isn’t the only thing that hasn’t been working in this relationship.  It appears that ever since Blair and Dan started getting wasted together, just so that they could have barely passable sex, the latter’s writing has gone down the proverbial toilet.

Fortunately, Dan’s soon-to-be-future girlfriend Agent Alessandra has the perfect cure for this (please say it’s sex with a prostitute, please say it’s sex with a prostitute) : spend the summer in Italy with an elite and snooty group of writers, of course!  You know what?  I like this idea even better than the prostitutes.  Send Dan to Italy . . . better yet, Tokyo . . . better yet the North Pole!  He and Santa could exchange haircare tips!

A highly flattered Donut promises to consider the offer, which really means he has to ask his mommy girlfriend, if he’s allowed to go.

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Of course, Blair has more important things to be thinking about than the Donut’s future . . . like, for example, Chuck.  Good ole Bass . . . after lounging around Nate’s apartment in his silk floral robe all morning, trying in vain to decipher Diana Hoestein’s day planner with Nate, the Beautiful Mental Midget Ever, he turns immediately to the smartest and best code breaker he knows . . . Blair Waldorf.

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She can crack the code, all right . . .

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 . . . to get in YOUR PANTS!

Chuck and Blair – Back in that Limo Again

As we know from past episodes, Blair has been trying to keep her distance from Chuck lately, knowing that she’s no match for his charm and sex appeal, especially when she’s stuck eating stale Donuts for breakfast everyday.

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“Ribbit.” 

But after last week’s award ceremony debacle, Blair is determined to return to her old fun self, and getting into bed with Chuck . . . er . . . I mean helping him take down Diana, and find out the truth about his parents seems just the way to do it.

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“This is your lucky day,” Blair tells Chuck, as he looks at her with a mixture of amusement, and unabashed attraction.

When the pair entered the limo together . . . a perpetual reminder of their EPIC first rendezvous . . . I literally started dancing in front of my television screen.

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 Please allow me a few fangirl moments to express how great it was to see Chuck and Blair at their scheming best once again.   Having spent weeks apart,  the two quickly got back to their old tricks, as if they had never been separated.  I adored the lusty loving look Chuck gave Blair, when she changed into her tight blue Diana-look-alike dress, and started doing that dead-on impersonation of the busty Brit.

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“In this moment, I can’t tell you how glad I am that Diana is NOT my mother,” Chuck replied earnestly, as he retrieved his jaw from the floor.

Not long after, Chuck rewarded my Chair-loving heart again, by conveniently yelling out “Waldorf I LOVE we need you,” right when Blair was on the phone with the Donut, explaining the events of the upcoming day.

Sidenote: Did I mention that Blair was TOTALLY fine with Dan skipping the country without her for an entire summer?  You just KNOW if it was Chuck who was contemplating leaving the Upper East Side for months, Blair would have spent the entire episode gorging on macaroons, screaming at Dorota, and sobbing through old Audrey Hepburn movies.  Oh, Poor Little Donut Hole (Munchkin?)  You should be afraid for  the state of your relationship . . . very afraid, indeed.

But back to more important things, Chuck and Blair were on a roll, this week.  From their tagteam insults of Nate, his foggy memory, and his lame extra-curricular activities (Come on!  Who writes in their dayplanner, every single time they go to the gym!) . . .

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. . . to their use of combined super-sleuthing skills to finally crack the Day Planner code (Blair used her trusty cipher slide, while Chuck impressed all with his obscure knowledge of country codes) . . .

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“That depends.  Is it some kind of sex toy?” 

 . . . to the knowing looks they gave one another throughout the scheming session, it was hard to imagine a time when these two lovebirds WEREN’T absolutely perfect for one another.

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 Of course, the group did run into a little hiccup when Double Crosser Serena tried to run off with the Day Planner.  (She had planned to give it back to Diana, in exchange for the real Gossip Girl’s telephone number.)  But Blair quickly disposed of that problem too, by effortlessly guilting her friend into submission.  “Be with us, not against us,” Blair told her Bestie, Matter-of-Factly.

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Within mere moments, Serena was back in the fold.  And the NJBC was ready to put the next stage of their plan into action.

Cross the NJBC, and wind up with Dorota on your back . . . literally.

Good old Dorota.  I love it when the NJBC lets her play in their scheming games.  But sometimes I worry about her babies.  Does she have nannies for those things?  Because she never seems to take care of them AT ALL!   This week, Dorota MASSAGED the truth about her coded weekend dalliances out of Diana Whoreson, using a few clever bait-and-switch techniques she’s undoubtedly learned from watching Blair all these years.

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Moments later, the group finds themselves with an invitation to a mysterious party . . . one that’s about to offer them more answers than they had bargained for . . .

Blair and Chuck seek out exotic locations for their next sexual rendezvous, while Stalker Donut pouts in the distance

Though Donut Dan was still playing the role of the non-neurotic boyfriend to Blair’s face, behind her back he was stalking her’s and Chuck’s limo in his taxi.  Pathetic as his actions were, he had good reason to be concerned, Diana’s day planner had led the NJBC to that random Secret Sex Club, where Chuck got it on with some random maid, a couple seasons back.

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 Truthfully, as far as Secret Sex Club’s go, this one left much to be desired, filled as it was with lots of old creepy men in business suits, and bored looking 18-year olds, all dressed in the same white nightgown.  No wonder Serena was so bored.

“Blah.  Another sex club.  Been there, screwed that, have the HPV to prove it.” 

Chuck and Blair weren’t bored though, bouncing right back into their usual couples routine, in search of Jack Bass and Diana.  “You look like you need a friend,” one of the high class call girls cooed, leeching onto Chuck the minute he arrived at the party.

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“He already has a friend,” Blair said possessively putting her arm around Chuck.

For me, one of the absolute funniest moments of the episode, was when Chuck and Blair posed as an exhibitionist couple, in order to explore the entire mansion where the sex club was being held (which, of course, when you think about it, isn’t actually that ffar from the truth.)  “You look like the type who would love [a room] with a royal theme,” suggested the host.

“Been there, done that,” replied Blair, which got a smirk from Chuck.  “How about someplace hidden and dark.”

“Let’s look at every room,” ad-libbed Chuck.  “She likes to watch.”

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Shortly thereafter, Diana arrives at the party.  And this is when the plot really becomes ridiculous thickens.  Split up from Blair, Chuck encounters Jack, an asks him flat out, if he’s his father.

Never  . . . gets . . . old. 

The answer he receives is evasive and inconclusive.  Nate finds Diana in the creepy security room on the second floor of the mansion.  (So, her dirty little secret is that she runs a sex bar? LAME!)

Serena, having returned Diana’s book, after the NJBC successfully decoded it excitedly calls Gossip Girl’s number.  The phone rings INSIDE the sex club.

“Gossip Girl is a prostitute?” 

But then Diana, knowing that her jig is up, fakes a police raid.  And everyone empties the house, before Serena can get the answer she is seeking.

Blair however, finds Chuck’s answer in a seemingly abandoned room on the second floor.  And the look on her face when she finds it is truly heartbreaking  . . .

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” (surprisingly, not a cliche, in this context)

Throughout the episode, we’ve been reminded of how good Chuck and Blair can be together, when they are scheming and having fun.  Here, in this moment, we are reminded of how good together they can be when they are hurting and in need of support.  “What’s wrong?  You look like you just found out that Jack Bass was YOUR father,” Chuck gently teases, as a teary eyed Blair emerges from the sex club.

Chuck and Blair as relatives . . . How very Game of Thrones now THAT would be awkward.

He takes her wrist, gently, a gesture of calm, support and strength.  “After all we’ve been through, there are no secrets between us, nor should there be.  It’s just us here, you and me.  You can tell me anything,” Chuck tells Blair solemnly,  and we know he means it.

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Leighton Meester knocked this scene out of the park.  In hindsight, knowing what she saw in that room, you could imagine the emotionality of her reaction.  Blair, more than anyone else, knows the complexities of Chuck’s relationship with his father, and the way his death unraveled him completely, exposing to the world a vulnerable side to Chuck Bass that no one had ever seen before.

And yet, she decides not to come out and tell him what she saw, nor to accompany him back to the mansion, where he will find it.  I think Blair recognizes that no matter how difficult this will be for Chuck, he has to come to this discovery on his own.

And so Blair instructs Chuck to return to the mansion.  It is there that he finally sees his father . . . his true blood donor, and life saver / ruiner . . . not so much dead, after all.

Well, he looks well preserved for someone who’s been dead for three seasons. 

It’s a patently unbelieveable twist . . . though one that many of us saw coming a mile away, thanks to some not-so-carefully placed spoilers on entertainment news outlets, but no one can deny its potential entertainment value.  Undoubtedly, this bombshell is going to have a major impact on most of the members of the Upper East Side, most notably Chuck and Lily . . . who is technically still married to the zombie/vampire / old rich guy or whatever.

“My Botox injections prevent me from appearing more upset about the fact that I now have two husbands.  How very Big Love of me.”

Personally, though, I’m a bit disappointed that Bart Bass didn’t end actually BEING Diana Payne (post-op sex change).  After all, you would think that, for a well-reknown man, becoming a woman would make it a whole lot easier to fake your own death as a man, than spending the remainder of your undeath hiding out in skeevy Whore Houses . . . just saying . . .

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In other news Nate and Lola double-double crossed Serena, by stealing her laptop, and returning it to Gossip Girl, whoever she might be  . . . (seriously, I’m starting to think it’s Lola).  As for that infamous telephone number,  Serena fought so hard to get.  It was promptly disconnected after the faux raid on the whore house.

Poor Serena.  Now, it seems she’ll have to return to her pre-Gossip Girl hobbies to obtain spiritual and emotional fulfillment  .  . . drinking heavily, and having sex with random guest stars . . .

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Oh, and I almost forgot (mainly because I could care less), Donut Dan turned down the summer in Italy to be with Blair.  But he lied to her about it, and told her he lost the spot to another writer.  Then Dan tells Blair he loves her for the first time, and she replies, “I know you do!”

BURN!  These two are more burned out then Dan’s weave.  Nice knowing ya, Dair . . . well . . . not really.  But whatever!

Oh, how I loved this episode, let me count the ways.

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

“B” My Valentine – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Crazy, Cupid, Love”

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Greetings, Upper East Siders!  Ahh, Valentine’s Day . . . it can make you do crazy things . . . like throw a hugely expensive party, in the hopes that your crush might attend . . . or hire old people to make out in front of your friends . . . It might even cause you to . . . TONGUE A DONUT IN YOUR SOULMATE’S BEDROOM!

That’s right, Chair fans, “Crazy, Cupid, Love” will forever go down in infamy as the episode in which Blair Waldorf went just a little bit insane . . . well, maybe, more than a little bit.  So, what do you say we rewind, and see if we can’t pinpoint the exact moment when Blair Waldorf flew over the cuckoo’s nest . . . otherwise known as Dan Humpty Dumpty’s hair?

Well, hello there 2007.  We’ve missed you!

One thing I’ve always admired about Gossip Girl is that it’s not ashamed of it’s history.  GG isn’t like one of those egotistical musicians, who will only play his new stuff at the concert, even though 98% of the people there only came to hear the classic songs that made them fall in love with him, in the first place . . .

Like many a former prom queen and captain of football team, Gossip Girl fully recognizes that it’s high school years were its glory days.  Yet, the show sometimes manages to actually make that work for it.  And “Crazy, Cupid, Love” is an example of that . . . or at least it was until about the 50-minute mark.

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This episode featured, among other High School Era send-ups: Blair scheming, Dorota at her beck and call, Chuck offering his bestie Nate romantic advice, Serena wearing shiny cardigans and staring blankly out into space, and, of course, Georgina Sparks systematically ruining EVERYTHING for EVERYBODY . . .

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As for Donut Dan?  Well, his hair looked like it hadn’t been cut or combed since 2007.  Does that count?  (Speaking of the Donut,  did anybody catch the opening Gossip Girl title card, which described him as being “discarded like a used tissue?”  Well said, Georgina!)

Puffs Plus!

The episode opens with an adorably-dressed Blair (It’s the first time I’ve coveted one of Blair’s outfits, since Louis-bot put her fashion sense in a coma, early this season.) returning home from her Honeymoon from Hell, and into the eager and waiting arms of Happy Housemaid Dorota.

“I worried he had you locked in tall tower,” Dorota muses.  (Weren’t we all, Dorota . . . weren’t we all.)

Aparently, Louis-bot has decided to stay in Monaco for the interim . . .

. . . leaving Blair and her new “minder” to spend Valentine’s day as virtual singles in the good ole U S of A . . .

Meanwhile, over at the VDW manse, Rufus is buying an expensive Cartier necklace for Lily for Valentine’s Day . .  . and probably using Lily’s checkbook to pay for it.  Donut Dan drops in with a lame excuse to go visit Blair.  He wants to give her DVDs to watch.

Yeah, because that’s how Blair Waldorf would plan to spend her last days of freedom in the U.S. . . . watching movies on her couch.  Perhaps, Humpty Humphrey didn’t get Dorota’s memo about her not being trapped in a tall tower.  Rufus tells his son to give it a rest, already.  And for what I’m pretty sure is the first time in five seasons, I actually agree with Rufus . . .

Don’t let it go to your head . . .

Chuck is out on the streets of NY walking Monkey, because he’s the best Doggie Daddy ever.  He calls Serena to commiserate with her, because he suspects there is a good chance that both of them will be having the Worst Valentine’s Day Ever.  (Apparently, Chuck has already watched this episode.)  “Tomorrow, New York can go back to being its usual cold, callous, selves,” he reminds her.

Ahhh, Chuck Bass . . . ever the eternal optimist . . . .

When Serena gets off the phone with Chuck, Blair is waiting for her.  She wishes to apologize to her bestie for using Donut Dan as her personal valet, and handmaiden, during her recent starring role in a direct-to-video sequel of Julia Robert’s The Runaway Bride.  Serena, in turn, admits to not actually being the one who sent the Chuck and Blair looooooove video to Gossip Girl.  Hugging commences.

Then, the two friends discuss their respective Valentine’s Day plans.  Apparently, Serena’s involve interviewing a 70-year old virgin for her blog.  (70 . . . that’s probably about the number of men Serena has had sex with in her 20 or so years on Earth.  How fitting!)  Serena whines that she hasn’t had a date on Valentine’s Day, since high school, as if high school wasn’t just two years ago for her.  Enter Donut Dan to give Blair his magical DVDs, and to lodge the same complaint, re: high school and Valentine’s Day . . .

This, of course, gives Blair an idea . . .

She decides to get Dan and Serena back together for Valentine’s Day!  But, of course, she’s going to need Dorota’s help to do it.  (Well, actually, she just wants Dorota to sit next to her, and look confused, while she does it.  But you catch my drift.)

After getting rejected for the 25,000th time by Lola / Real Charlie Rhodes, Nate decides to throw a Valentine’s Day party at the Spectator, and hire her as his caterer.  Ummmm .  . . Nate, you do realize that paying someone to be your Valentine’s Date is a form of prostitution, don’t you?  It’s also kind of creepy . . . or, at least, it would be, if you didn’t look like YOU.

Unfortunately for Nate, Lola apparently refuses to work at any more parties thrown by Nate’s newspaper.  Oooooh, BURN!

But, worry not!  Chuck Bass is graciously willing to offer HIS hotel as a party location, so little miss Cinderlola cannot refuse.  As for the party itself, it apparently has this “high school” theme to it, wherein attendees are required to dress and look the way they did back in high school.  This way, everyone can look and act 14-17, while still being legal.  It’s a pedophile’s wet dream!

A Date with Donut-y Destiny!

Meanwhile, Georgina is bummed out, because she’s had no good scoops, since she took over for the Real Gossip Girl . . . (you know, aside from the whole Blair really loves Chuck, but is still marrying an evil cyborg .  . . thing).

Then, one of her informants tips her off to the return of Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena, who she promptly accosts.   “Hey, when I first met you, you were pretending to be mentally ill,” she tells the imposter gleefully.  (Ah, memories!)

This encounter, in turn, leads Georgina  to the rumor of their being juicy (read “completely unrealistic and ridiculous”) provisions in Blair’s and Louis-bot’s prenup.  Georgina, of course, is ecstatic about this news.  “We may have to file for a divorce,” she tells hubby / baby daddy / manny Phillip.

(OK, he’s cute and all.  But where the heck did this guy come from?  And doesn’t he have a job?  What exactly do these two do for money?  The Gossip Girl website sure must rake in a lot of ad revenue!)

Speaking of the newly ginger-headed Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena, she’s currently crashed the VDW house, and is desperate to talk to Lily, who is conveniently away in D.C for the episode today.  I haven’t exactly decided whether I’m happy to see her yet.  Like Georgina, I thought C/I/Call Me S was hilarious and fun, back when she was pretending to be off-her-meds insane.

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But not-so-much after that . . .

Over at one of New York’s many over-priced, fancy restaurants (Four Seasons?),  Serena is looking unusually dowdy in an oversized peacoat, and long sweater.  (Perhaps, she wants to make the 70-year old virgin she’s meeting feel more comfortable, by dressing like her.)  Though, admittedly, I’m not sure what Dan’s excuse is . . . because he’s at the same restaurant, dressed the exact same way.  . . and he’s supposedly meeting his agent.

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Convinced they’ve both been stood up by their respective “dates,” Serena and Donut Dan, end up sharing a table with one another.  Cue the delivery of champagne, special desserts (not donuts, o course), and Happy Old People claiming to be high school sweethearts.

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I think I saw these two in a Viagra commercial . . .

Donut and Serena look more confused than anything else.  But over at a nearby table, clad in ridiculous “incognito” outfits, Blair and Dorota are looking mighty pleased with themselves on a job well done.

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Gossip Girl is nothing, if not self aware.  And I must admit that I had the slightest urge to hug Dorota when she referred to this little Valentine’s Day match-up as “Operation Darena.”   If only GG writers were self-aware enough to know that the sabotage of it’s most beloved character, for the sake of a curly-headed pastry  is a BAD IDEA!  But Serena isn’t  quite as impressed with her friends plan, and tells her as much, when the former returns home.

Nothing if not persistent, Blair invites Serena to the charity event she’s attending, which is ever-inappropriately titled, the “Cardiac Hearts Ball.”  “We can bond over our broken hearts, while looking at people with actual broken hearts,” offers Blair cheerily.

Heart attack sufferers are AWESOME!

And though Serena looks about as happy as a heart attack at the idea of spending V-day this way, she ultimately agrees, thereby putting the next phase of Operation Darena in motion . . .

Of course, if Blair and Serena attend the Cardiac Hearts Ball, and NOT the Party at the Empire for People Who Think it’s Still 2007, Georgina can’t effectively ruin their V-days, now can she?  So, girlfriend steps up her game by blackmailing Donut Dan into getting Blair to attend the party, by threatening to reveal that he was the source of the Chuck / Blair Loooooooooove Video, if he doesn’t.

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And so, Donut decides to do a little scheming himself.  (Honestly, I didn’t know he had it in him!)  By pretending he’s actually on board with Operation Darena, Dan convinces Blair to attend the Better off in High School Ball, assuring her that she can put her matchmaking skills to good use there.  Of course, Blair doesn’t really need much, in the way of persuasion.  After all, if anyone was Better off in High School, it was Queen B Waldorf!

My Bloody Valentine  . . .

While Blair is dressed like the sole female member of a mariachi band, she’s convinced Serena to dig deep into her massive walk-in closet for an outfit she may, or may not, have worn in Season 1.  (Still fits!)  As for Blair’s minder, she’s clad in her typical black “don’t confuse me for someone fun” suit.  Squeezed into the elevator together, these three look like the beginning of a bad episode of the recently canceled Charlie’s Angels.  (Well, I guess you could say they were ALL bad episodes, right?)

As the threesome emerge from the elevator, they run into, none other than Upper East Side’s own personal Don Juan, Chuck Bass.   *sigh*  Cue the awkward, emotion-filled, angsty, I don’t know whether to cry, scream at you, or rip your clothes off stares between Blair and Chuck.  Honestly, I could watch these two emote for an entire hour, and never get bored.

But, of course, I’d much rather they do more than just emote . . .

Though clearly devastated by this encounter, and all the feelings it awakens inside of him, Chuck manages to be cordial, telling the ladies to “have a nice night,” even though he knows that he most certainly has a miserable one in store for him.  Watching him walk away, I swear I got a little teary.  Sadly, things were about to get much worse . . .

Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena is also at the party, because she thinks Lily will be there.  (Riiiiight, because late 40-something Lily wouldn’t stand out at all in a room filled with a bunch of 20-year olds pretending to be 16-year olds!)  Then again, this is probably exactly the kind of party Rufus prefers.  So, you never know . . .

“I think I might have overdid my costume a little bit .  . .” 

What C /I/ Call Me S wasn’t counting on, was to run right smack into Serena and . . . wait for it . . . the REAL Charlie Rhodes.  AWKWARD!  It turns out, these two actually KNOW one another from “acting class.”  Poor Lola.  She has no clue why her old acting buddy suddenly seems like she’d rather be getting a root canal than conversing with her.

“I swear I showered today!” 

And when Nate plops down next to them (“You guys look SO much alike, which is why I want to bone you both.”), faux-Charlie is out of there faster than a tubby girl in dodge ball.  This prompts Nate to launch into a long, convoluted, and utterly INCORRECT explanation as to why “Ivy” changed her name from “Charlie Rhodes.”

Ruh-roh!  Someone’s just been busted.  Of course, rather than call out her friend / imposter, Lola merely makes THIS face . . .

“I’m so much better at being me, than you are.  So, suck it, b*tch!”

Then, “Real Charlotte Rhodes” friends “faux Charlotte Rhodes” on Facebook, which is probably the most hilarious thing that happened all episode, aside from everything that came out of Dorota’s mouth, this hour, and some of the things that came out of Georgina’s mouth . . . which, I guess means that it wasn’t the most hilarious thing that happened all episode at all . . .

Meanwhile, Blair makes an immediate beeline for Dan, and starts fussing with his shirt and hair, like he’s her five-year old son, and it’s his first day of school.  She wants the Donut to look “good” for Serena, but unfortunately, is unable to find a barber, and clothing stylist on such short notice.  So, instead, she settles for stealing his tie, and unbuttoning a few buttons on his puke yellow button-down tee . . .

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Donut seems like he’s nervous to talk to Serena, but really, he’s just mesmerized by how Blair’s boobs look in that red dress.  He keeps staring at her, like he wants to devour her whole . . . and, considering he’s a puff pastry, that’s saying a lot.

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“Don’t look at the melons . . . don’t look at the melons . . . don’t look at the . . . YOWSA!”

Blair, however, is too distracted to notice the leering.  So, she launches into a little pre-Hump Serena pep talk about what a wonderful valet and handmaiden Lonely Boy has made for her this past year.  In fact, the entire monologue reads like a recap of Season 5 of Gossip Girl, written by a Dair fan.

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Do I have to answer that?

Then, Gossip Girl texts Donut, instructing him to kiss the Queen B.  Well, that’s gotta be confusing?  Since when did Gossip Girl start making personal requests?  Donut’s first instinct should be to wonder whether that blast was sent out to every Dunkin Donut on the Upper East Side, or just him.  More than a bit freaked out, Donut manages to pull his eyes away from Blair’s chest area long enough to excuse himself.

While Blair rushes off to tell Serena what a wonderful person she is . . . Dan heads to a closet somewhere to continue his conversation with the elusive Gossip Girl.  It’s a SUPER intelligent conversation . . . one that goes something like this . . .

GG: Kiss her.

Donut: NO!

GG: Yes, you have to kiss her, so I have scoop for my readers.

Donut: What’s in it for me?

GG: Do I really have to explain it to you?

And so on, and so forth . . .

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But Dan notices something strange about the conversation . . . you know . . . aside from the fact that Gossip Girl is talking to him, and seems to have undergone a personality transplant . . . Every time he sends a text to Gossip Girl, he hears a beep coming from Chuck’s room.  (Seriously, Georgina?  Never heard of leaving your phone on vibrate?  What kind of lame GG impersonator are you?)

SERIOUSLY!

I don’t know what exactly is going through Dan’s head when he barges into Chuck’s room.  Does he think CHUCK is Gossip Girl?  Or Monkey?

Maybe he’s convinced his latent schizophrenia is making a comeback?  Whatever he was thinking, he sure seems surprised to see Georgina, lounging on Chuck’s bed, like she owns the place.  “You’re Gossip Girl?  He asks, incredulously.

Georgina’s explanation is admittedly scattered and confusing, likely because she doesn’t really know the answer to this question herself.  First she claims herself to be Gossip Girl’s “helper,” and then, moments later, she decides that she is, in fact, “Gossip Girl.”  Talk about an identity crisis!

Anywhoo, apparently, Georgina is on Team Dair . . . Scratch that, more likely, Georgina is simply on Team Chaos.  Just as Blair did before her, Nu-Gossip Girl begins feeding the flames of Donut’s Ego, by talking about how much Blair clearly luuuuuves him, and blah, blah, blah, “Why not stick your tongue down her throat?”

Speak of the devil, in comes Blair to “return Dan’s tie?”  Really, Blair . . . really?  Because that couldn’t have waited until AFTER Dan slept with Serena?  This goes beyond simply cock blocking.  This is cock-TYING.  And this is coming from someone who was always more of a Serenate fan than a Darena one . . .

“I just want to make you happy,” pleads Blair to the Donut.  “Tell me what would make you happy.”

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“Why your tongue down my throat!  That would make me THRILLED,” says the Donut exhuberantly.

Well, he doesn’t so much say it, as act it out . . .

The kiss .  . . what’s weird is that there was this moment, right in the beginning, where Blair actually pulls away in confusion, almost as if to say, “Hey buddy!  That was an offer for existential conversation,  not a tongue bath.

 

You can actually see the moment where the logical reasoning clicks off, and the writers’ agenda takes over.  It’s quite amusing.  I must say though, from a pure cinematographical perspective, the kiss wasn’t terrible.  Had I not been watching this show for five years, and had no other information about the character than what I was given in this episode, I might even have liked it.

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Compare and contrast 😉 

But when it comes right down to it, even if you aren’t a staunch Chair fan, like I am, it’s hard to route for a kiss like this, because it seems like just a bad decision, in a long line of other bad decisions Blair has made for herself this season.

Ahem!

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Double ahem . . .

I mean, here is a woman who gave up eternal happiness for a ridiculous pact with the Lord . . . and then gave it up again to save her family from financial ruin.

This is a woman who spent the entire season torn between two men . . . or . . . at least one man, and one robot.  And she’s going to risk her relationship with her best friend, her true love, and her family’s financial stability, for one single tongue bath from a guy who’s got a brillo pad for hair?

It just seems so . . . self-destructive . . .

Yet we don’t always think before we tongue .  And, it’s possible that, Blair still isn’t quite yet aware of why she kissed a Donut.  It could have been a “thank you for being a friend” kiss.  Or a, “I’m subconsciously trying to free myself from the cyborg” kiss.  Or a “I just need to feel something that isn’t sadness and pain,” kiss.

Whatever the reason, it happened.  And something tells me, that one little tongue whacking is going to have repercussions on the Upper East Side for a long time . . .

Well, at least, it certainly will, if one Georgina Sparks has anything to do with it.  In she saunters with Serena in toe, to ruin a friendship, and snap an incriminating, blackmail worthy picture, in one swift movement.  Blair being the new and improved “mature” girl she is, immediately blames it all on the Donut.  But it’s to no avail, Serena is DONE with a Capital D.  And, honestly, who can blame her?

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“He was just practicing on me, so he’d be better for you!”

But Georgina isn’t done.  She brings the picture immediately to Chuck Bass . . .

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 . . .  who, despite maintaining super human fortitude for the past few weeks, understandably falls off the wagon.  Though, of course, I wish he had fallen with someone who wasn’t that uber annoying agent of Dan’s.

“Please try not to be alarmed or offended if I randomly shout the name ‘Blair’ during sex.” 

But hey, if this is going to result in some Bring Down the Donut / Bring Back the Blair Shenanigans, I’m all for it!

Oh, did I mention that Blair’s “minder” is IN LOVE with Louis-bot?  Hey, maybe she’s a robot too!  It could be like the Monaco version of Wall-E, only way less loveable . . .

In other news, Georgina tells Donut about the Dowry, and Blair tells Donut that her marriage to Bot is all business.  (Well, duh!)  She also says, regardless of what he thought he felt in her mouth, Dair can’t happen.  (Double duh!)

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Ultimately, Georgina decides not to release the SCANDALOUS kissing picture, as she’s certain there will be more where that came from.  (She must have seen next week’s preview . . .).  In other news, Grandma Cece’s at death’s door, and Faux Charlie’s been shacking up with her.  Oh, the plot thickens . . .

Until next time, Upper East Siders, XOXO, and Happy V-Day!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

If at first you don’t succeed . . . deny, deny again – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Rhodes to Perdition”

“So, Blair, I hear this guy rents out the room by the hour.  What do you say we give it a go on the couch, for old time sake?  Consider it part of your Bachelorette Party  . . .”

Greetings, Upper East Siders!  You know, every GG installment involves lying, to some extent.  But I feel like “Rhodes to Perdition” was much less about the lies we tell others (though, of course, there were plenty of those), and more about the lies we tell ourselves.  Also of note in this week’s episode . . . the COMPLETE LACK OF LOUIS-BOT.

“Do you meessss my saxxxxy voyeeez?”  

For me, this just confirms the fact that Louis-bot cannot spend consecutive episodes as a “real” human, without being taken out of commission, every few days or so, for some reprogramming / battery recharging.  Now, while this is always great for Gossip Girl (because we all deserve a cyborg-break sometimes), and even MORE great for Chair (who shared not just one but MULTIPLE scenes together this week) . . .

. . . it might not be so great for me, as a recapper, since Louis-bot’s inexplicable robot speak, always proved good for some easy laughs.

“Donnnn worry, Recapah!  I’ll be baaaaaacck!”

Hopefully, Donut Dan and Max McPoorPerson will help to make up for the loss . . .

Much Ado About MaxMcPoorPerson

When we last left Max McPoorPerson, he was blackmailing Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena for FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS . . .

He had also started dating Serena, because .  . . well, because that’s what all the male guest stars on this show do, basically.  (I’m pretty sure it’s in their contract.)  When the episode opens, the two have just spent a romantic evening boning checking out the “sights of New York.”  And by the schmoopy expression on Serena’s face, we can tell that she’s already smitten with this Boy From the Wrong Side of the Tracks, And By That, I Mean Portland, Oregon . . .

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(In Serena Speak, this translates roughly as “If you want to have sex with me, my legs are always open.”)

Serena then tells McPoorPerson that her grandma is coming over to attend some party at Studio 54 in her honor.  (You know, because nothing says sexy, like talking about GRANDMA.)  McPoorPerson then seizes on the opportunity to offer to bake granny a cake . . . but only if Serena helps.  McPoorPerson does this, because he knows that the magical act of baking, will make Serena fall madly in love with him.  And this will only make it easier for him to obtain the FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS that will convert him from McPoorPerson to McSortofWealthy.

“This is what I like to call my ‘Plotting and Scheming Face.'” 

Shortly thereafter, McPoorPerson and Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena meet up at a diner for a Super Secret Meeting of the Con Artists (This is probably a good location for said meeting, since nobody from the Upper East Side would ever be caught dead in a diner).

“Hey Max McPoorPerson, remember when you used to take me on dates to places like this?  SUCKA!” 

Once there, McPoorPerson tells Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena that, if she doesn’t pony up the 500 HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS pronto, he will show Serena the playbill with her REAL NAME ON IT . . .you know Call Me Serena   Lying Poopyhead  Ivy.

Behold the PLAYBILL OF TRUTH! 

When Faux Charlie fights back, by convincing Serena to break her magical cake baking date with Max, he moves his deadline up to TWENTY FOUR HOURS.  OMG!  It’s like an episode of 24 . . . only with much lower stakes . . . and less terrorists . . . and less buildings exploding . . .

 Jack Bauer does not approve.

Faux Charlie decides to cry about this to her Faux Mommy, Carol Rhodes, who admits that Grandma CeCe has put a little locksie on real Charlie’s trust account, so that Carol can’t access it.  But since neither woman wants McPoorPerson to beat them at their own game, Carol decides to come by and sweeten up the old lady . . .

“This is my Sweet Face.” 

Unfortunately, the Rhodes / VDWs always seem to like their fake family members, better than their real ones.  So, Carol isn’t exactly welcomed with open arms.  (Just between you and me, I think it’s because she’s not blonde.  I’ve always suspected Lily and Cece to be prejudiced against brunettes.  Sorry Rufus  .  . . and Chuck .  . . and Blair . . . and Dan . . . and Nate.)

In fact, Cece sees right through Carol’s money-grubbing pleas.

“Shut up, Carol!  Can’t you see your money-grubbing pleas are putting Granny to sleep?” 

Faux-Charlie, unlike her fake mom, is a kickass little con artist.  She manages to butter up Granny, and unlock her little trust fund, quicker than you can say, “Call me Serena.”  But where Little Miss Goody Two Personalities really earns points is her “discretion” in not spilling to the rest of the family CeCe’s Super Secret Breast Cancer.  (At least, I think that’s what she has, based on the pills she’s taking.)

“Well, it sure as hell isn’t Aspirin!”

On the other hand, judging by all the not-so-insignificant faints and “oopsies,” the older woman suffered throughout the episode — one of which actually seemed to SAVE faux-Charlie from being revealed for the fraud she is — I can’t help but wonder whether Granny CeCe is headed to that Big Studio 54 in the sky.  And if she is . . . I suspect faux-Charlie’s “discretion” will come back to bite her in the ass, as will “real” Charlie, who — assuming she’s alive — will undoubtedly pop up in time for the funeral . . .

“Ummm .  . . hi Real Charlie.  Feel free to ‘Call Me Serena.'” 

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Things get stickier for Faux Charlie, when Serena, whose hair suddenly looks like the Before Picture in a commercial for Frizz-ease shampoo (I guess because she thinks it makes her more “seventies”) . . .

How does her head not topple over?   

 . . . overhears Lily calling Carol out, on making Faux Charlie change her name to Real Ivy.  (Are you confused yet?   Because I sure am!)

And this dress confuses me most of all . . . 

Sometimes I don’t give Serena enough credit for actually having brain cells.  Because of that, I was super impressed with her for remembering that “Ivy” was the name of Max’s wench ex girlfriend.  She also correctly surmised that the reason Faux-Charlie was so dead set on Serena not dating Max was that  .  . . wait for it . . . SHE WAS IVY.

One simply cannot be best friends with Blair Waldorf for her entire childhood, without picking up a thing or two about pulling off a great scam.  And Serena is surprisingly Blair-esque, when she convinces McPoorPerson to come over to the VDW house, by making him think the house will be empty, and he will get laid, when in actuality it’s FILLED with family members dancing badly, and clad in hideously ugly sequined dresses.

*clears throat loudly* 

Uh Oh McPoorPerson, it looks like you are due for a case of these . . .

What’s particularly interesting about this part of the story, is that, by the time, McPoorPerson arrives at house, he no longer wants to expose Faux Charlie for the fraud she is, because if he does, there no longer any chance of him getting his money.

MAX: “Jesus!  Are ANY of you Rhodes women actually going to sleep with me?  CeCe?” 

MAX: “I take that as a YES!” 

So, when Serena publicly confronts Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, Max (along with a few other key party guests) actually looks kind of relieved when CeCe practically dies in front of all of them.

What can I say?  Greed is good!

But don’t fret my Cece lovers.   As it turns out, the lovely old biddy is TOTALLY OK . . . (well, except for the whole Super Secret Breast Cancer thing).  One of the upsides of CeCe’s temporary brushes with death, of course, is that it gives faux-Charlie time to compose her own story.  And it doesn’t look good for McPoorPerson. . . .

“Does this mean you guys aren’t going to come visit me at me new job as Head Fry Guy at McDonalds?” 

But wow, you really have to hand it to Faux-Charlie.  If pathological lying was a sport, she’d be an Olympic Gold athlete.  This time, she claims that McPoorPerson is here because he’s McBribing her with a McSexTape for . . . wait for it . . . FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS, and that’s why she’s been so desperate to get the money.  McPoorPerson is McFlabbergasted.

But, unfortunately, for him, he McSucks and McScheming, and his words of self-defense, make him look like a major McAsshole . . . First he claims that Faux-Charlie grew up in a trailer park, with a drug addicted mom.  And though it turns out that all of this is true, surely none of the VDWs could ever believe that someone they knew personally grew up in anything less elegant than a 3,000 square-foot apartment, in a “nice neighborhood.”  He also claims to have proof . . . a PLAYBILL with Ivy’s REAL NAME ON IT.

But when he goes to grab for it . . . IT’S GONE!

Apparently, Carol filched it from his pocket while her own mother was dying on the floor next to her.  What a sweetheart!  No wonder “real” Charlie isn’t around, Carol probably had a craving for meat one day and ATE HER.

“Mmmm . . . what a tasty daughter I had.” 

You know, I actually think that, even if Max SHOWED everyone the Playbill Faux-Charlie still could have claimed that this was just an example of her mother, Carol, wanting her to get involved in the arts, but NOT wanting the world to know that they were related.  But, I guess that’s neither here, nor there . . .

Anywhoo, McPoorPerson gets kicked out onto the streets.  No Sex with Serena in the champagne room for him!  He calls Faux-Charlie from the street, promising “REVENGE!”  (Well, he’s a chef.  So, I guess he could always poison her food or something.)

“Next time you order a Quarter Pounder, you are dead meat, B*TCH!  Get it . . . dead meat, because it’s a burg . .  . never mind.” 

No matter.  Faux-Charlie doesn’t seem the least bit fazed by the threat.  I actually think a part of her BELIEVES she’s Real Charlie now, as evidenced by her claim to Carol that she [(doesn’t) want the money . . . just the FAMILY].  Well, Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena that’s real easy to say, when you are living in a friggin FOUR MILLION DOLLAR APARTMENT rent-free, not working, and having someone pay for EVERYTHING YOU DO!

Lifestyles of the Rich and the Shameless . . . 

And yet, Faux Charlie’s final moment in the episode seems to suggest that she is getting too cocky, and too comfortable in her new identity.  By now, girlfriend could have taken the money and ran, at least five times now.   And, probably, none of these morons would have been any the wiser.  But instead, Faux-Charlie says to her new nemesis, McPoorPerson, “No one can touch me anymore.  I’m a Rhodes now,” as she stares out the window, and laughs maniacally,  creepy cartoon super villian style.

“MWAH-HAHAHA!  I’ll get you McPoorPerson, and you’re little cake too!”

Oh, Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena . . . something tells me that all three of you are about to get SERIOUSLY SCREWED . . . and not in a good way, either.

The Spectator:  It’s Not Just Good, It’s NATE!

One of these days, Nate is actually going to have an interesting storyline . . . one that involves the other cast members . . . and actually makes some sense.  But alas, this was not that day.

“DOH!” 

On a positive note, this week-long Lack of Love Interest / Sex Partner has seemed to noticeably increase Little Archibald’s IQ.  So, that’s nice for him .  . . I guess.  Actually both the actor and the character would probably much prefer getting laid.

“I am not a smart man, but I know what LOVE is . . . or at least how to make it.”

Those of us like me who were secretly hoping for the adorable hilarity of watching Nate Archibald fall on his face, as the new, completely unqualified, manager of Trashy Tabloid the bastion of TRUTH that is The Spectator while Grandpa Vanderbilt, looked on, a constipated expression on his face, wondering about the sanctity of his gene pool  ended up being sorely disappointed this week.  As it turns out, Nate just so happens to have a head for business, and a body for raunchy sex with cougars sin, making him positively perfect for the thankless job that his grandpa has unfairly awarded him.

Mini- Matt Lauer 

Nate begins his storyline by showing his employees that he is nothing like his slutty predecessor, Diana.  No SIR!  He will most certainly not be having sex with his barely legal colleagues, behind closed doors, while the rest of the staff toils over need-to-know news tidbits, like what color Chuck Bass’ socks were this morning.  (Neon green . . . FYI).  He will ONLY do so, if they are really, really hot, and /or  ask nicely.

Also, NO . . . MORE . . . LIES!

All news sources and stories will be verified, ESPECIALLY the one about his formerly Serena-screwing Congressman relative, Tripp, who’s wife may or may not be cheating on him.  Grandpa Vanderbilt, The King of Morality that he is, says, “don’t publish it.”  After all, the truth is only REALLY important when it puts your family in a positive light, right?

“This would probably be a bad time to tell my grandson about my crossdressing fetish.” 

But Nate is a GOOD GUY . . . and more important than that a HOT GUY GOOD JOURNALIST.  So, when the facts check out, he decides to run the story, but not before he brings Old Cuz’ in to the office, to give him the heads up.

Tripp is all huffy, and stick-up-his-butt-y that his wife would DARE return the favor he did for HER a few seasons back and cheat on him.  Not to mention, he’s positively APPALLED Nate would have the GALL to run this story.  Tripp acts like Nate orchestrated the whole thing is a personal vendetta against the Congressman for boning his girlfriend, the year before.  “I guess now we’re even,” Tripp says, before blowing Nate a raspberry, and making doo-doo in his diaper.

“So, Nate, how is my girl, Serena.  Still banging guest stars, who look like me?” 

And, I don’t know, something about Tripp’s “pouty act” struck me as a bit disingenuous.  Am I the only one?

Apparently, Nate didn’t feel that way, because he somehow got the BIG IDEA that Maureen was only PRETENDING to cheat to help Tripp’s campaign, by making him look sympathetic.  But, of course, Tripp knows NOTHING about it.  Grandpa agrees, and again says, “Don’t publish it.”  But this time I sense a little reverse psychology in the works.  And why not?  He wants his FAMILY MEMBER to win the campaign, just like he wants his OTHER FAMILY member to run this ridiculous paper.

Nate ends up publishing the information as a sort of generalized puffed-up editorial, which is somehow meant to affirm the paper’s tough standards of “honesty and integrity.”  I don’ t know . . . it looked like your garden variety blind item to me.  It just happened to have Nate’s hot face next to it.

YUMMY! 

Geez, between Serena become a SUPER BLOGGER, Dan writing a SUPER FANFICTION, and Nate managing a SUPER PAPER, I’m starting to think EVERYBODY on this show is Gossip Girl.

Of course, everybody knows the REAL Gossip Girl is Veronica Mars . . .

Whatever I personally thought of Nate’s so-called explosive news article, Grandpa thought it was just swell.  “I always loved you, but now I RESPECT you,” he tells Sexy Pants.

Yes, Nate, we respect you too . . . And by “respect you” I mean, we’d very much like to sleep with you (or, at least see what you look like naked).

Humpty Humphry Plays with his Twitter (among other things)

Oh, Donut Dan!  How the not-so-mighty hath fallen!  One week, you are on the New York Times Bestseller list.

The next week, you are personally responding to every one-star review your Dair fanfiction gets on Amazon.com, and stalking one of your heckler’s Twitter feeds.

I’m glad Rufus finally picked up on his son’s massive self-absorption and apparent psychosis.  After all, he’s already lost one child to the Cult of Cuckoo and Raccoon Zombies . . .

. . . losing two would be downright depressing.

But as sad and pathetic as all this all is, I guess us Chair fans should be happy that Captain Crazy Hair is stalking HateDanHumphrey and NOT Blair Waldorf like he did last week.

He tracks the twitter feed down to a suprisingly NOT very UES-looking brownstone.  Once there, he stands outside like a drunken homeless person, and rings all the doorbells, until someone answers.

“CABLE GUY!!!!!” 

(Yes, Dan, because, us city folk, always, come out of our apartments, unarmed, to meet, in person, the freako who’s been anonymously ringing our buzzer for the past five minutes.)

Dan Humphrey’s version of a booty call . . . 

And yet, as luck would have it, HateDanHumphrey ends up actually being stupid brave enough to show her pretty little face to her assailant.  Surprise!  The Twitter heckler ends up being none other than ME! Dan’s unnerving publicist, and obvious future love interest, Alessandra.

Oh Alessandra, please tell me that isn’t what you wear, when you are just lounging around the house Tweeting . . . ever hear of sweatpants? 

At first, I thought (and was kind of hoping) that Publicist Chick was doing this to get back at Dopey Dan for being a b*tch, and skipping out on his book signings.  But, no such luck.  As it turns out, she started the feed, in hopes of drumming up more “Favorite Story” ratings, and “Author Alerts” on Dan’s fanfiction.  (Those of you who frequent fanfiction.net know what I’m talking about here.)

To Humpty Humphrey’s credit, he actually doesn’t get all pouty about Alessandra’s shifty marketing tactics, as many of us expected him to do.  Instead, he wages a Fake Twitter war between HateDanHumphrey, and the ridiculously named HumphreyLove, a Twitter feed that was started by (Who else?) Dan himself.

“Oh DAN!”   (bats eyelashes)  “You naughty little Tweeter, you!” 

I must admit that I kind of liked the part, where Dan told Alessandra that she wasn’t being mean enough to him in her tweets.  So, he took over, and started insulting himself.  (Self-hatred RULES!)

Of course, the only problem with this that Dan’s hate tweets about himself involved Hemingway, and the Hardy Boys.   In other words, they were TOTALLY lame and not funny AT ALL.

“Come on!  Suicidal authors, whose ultra depressing books you had to read in high school are HILARIOUS!” 

(He probably should have just called us Chair fans over to do the job.  We would have REALLY ripped him a new one.)

Nonetheless, Katy Perry (clearly a Hardy Boys fan . . . or Hemingway?) somehow ends up retweeting the feud.  I guess we are supposed to assume that this will spark more book sales for Donut Dan . . . at least among California Girls, Teenage Dreamers, Fireworks, and people who can’t remember Last Friday Night . . .

Target demographic for Dan’s book . . . 

And now, finally, we have come to our main event . . .

Chair-ing is CARING!

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Blair is sad because she SO OBVIOUSLY LOVES CHUCK, AND YET IS STUCK MARRYING A ROBOT AND POSSIBLY CARRYING HIS EVIL SPAWN.  Wouldn’t you be sad too?.  She is wearing a sad orange dress.  She also has a sad ponytail in her hair.  Louis-bot is off getting his batteries recharged, and she needs to find out why he’s always been become such a dipsh*t, before she can marry him.  That’s a tall order for a petite Queen B.

“All I want for Christmas is Chair . . .” 

Dorota suggests, only half in jest, that perhaps Chuck and Louis-bot switched bodies PERISH THE THOUGHT! a la Freaky Friday, or that not particularly good movie starring Ryan Reynolds as The Womanizing Single Guy Who Secretly Just Needs LOVE!

This, however, gives Blair, a bizarre (but perfectly lovely, if you are a Chair fan, like I am) idea to spend the entire episode with Chuck . . .

. . .  to get inside his pants head to figure out how he “turned good,”  so that she can do the same thing to Louis-bot.

Blair barges in on Chuck, as she is wont to do, while he is doing yoga, with some old guy, while still wearing a suit.

Monogrammed yoga mats! 

Queen B is shocked and secretly relieved to find that he is not with a lady.  She wonders how he went from “Charlie Sheen to Charlie Brown” from “Bar to Bar Mitzvah.”  (Oh, she said “bar mitzvah.”  You know what that means?  She’s totally thinking about the bar mitzvah sex . . .)

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To figure out this Grand Chairtastic Mystery, Blair wants to go to therapy with Chuck, which, in my world,  is known as “couples counseling.”

During therapy, Chuck’s NEW, non-purchased by Louis-bot – shrink, is TOTALLY Team Chair.

“As part of your therapy, you two should act out that scene in the limo from Season 1.  Now THAT was EPIC!” 

He immediately calls out Blair for wanting her boring turd of a fiance to be more like Chuck, whose neon green frog socks would look absolutely ridiculous on anybody else, but look oddly  hot on him, because he’s Chuck Bass.  (Sorry, NOT GONNA HAPPEN, B!)

Blair doesn’t believe that Chuck has actually let her go.  How could he have possibly, when, right this second, sitting on the shrink couch, they are both looking at one another with such fiery intensity, and sheer passion . . . so much so that I half expected them to start boning right in front of the shrink.

“Diagnose THIS!” 

But nope.  This is a SERIOUS Chair episode.  And Chuck puts on his Serious Face when, to prove to Blair, once in for all, that he has, in fact, let her go, he tells her about dropping her Harry Winston engagement ring by the doorstep of the store, an act of stupidity closure, if ever there was one.

He tells her to call Harry Winston and check.  And I kind of hope she does, because, I’m quite certain they will tell her they never got the ring back, because CLEARLY SOMEBODY STOLE IT.  I know, because that someone was me.

But this is not a time for jokes, because Blair is devastated by Chuck’s admission.  It brings back so many memories for her of what Chuck almost had, and could potentially have again.  And, of course, she doesn’t really WANT the person she loves to let her go, does she?

Unable to bear seeing Blair so unhappy, Chuck rushes to her home, where he finds his lady love tasting cakes for her lame wedding.  (How is Louis-bot not there to taste his own cakes?  Isn’t the food, the only thing about the wedding, the grooms actually care about.)  He tells her how his shrink, thinks Blair was upset that Chuck returned the ring.  (Well, thank you, Doctor / Captain Obvious!)  “You asked me to let you go, so I did.  I wanted to give you the happy life that you deserve.”

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Then Blair says something that makes Chuck (and me) cry.  (Well . .  . I cry . . . he tears up, in an adorably masculine fashion.)  She blames herself for bringing the badness out in her lovers.  This sents Chuck chasing after her again . . . this time, all the way to her bedroom.  (Ahhh . . . now we are getting somewhere! ;))

I know a lot of you thought it was SUPER CHEESY of Chuck to tell Blair that “she was the lightest thing that came into his life.”  And “[Her] love kept him alive.”  But desperate times call for desperate measures.  And I think Blair needed to hear it that way, cheesiness and all.  After all, isn’t Blair’s obsession with fairytale endings what got us into this whole Louis-bot mess in the first place.  What better way to get Blair to stop blaming herself for the misdeeds of the men in her life, than to speak like Prince Charming would?

Aside from being grandiose and dramatic (as Blair so often is), Chuck was also brutally honest.  He finally allowed Blair (and fans) some insight into the complete 180 his character has done, over the course of these last few episodes.  Chuck did some crazy things last season, out of fear of losing Blair’s love.  But after he actually lost her, a sense of calm seemed to overtake him, since he already knew that he would never experience a greater loss in his life.

“I just want you to be happy Blair.  I’m just sorry that it couldn’t be with me.”

This sweet, but very morose, scene lightens a bit, when the Queen of Cakes comes to help Blair with her selection, and accidentially/ on purpose (?) confuses Chuck for the groom.  (See?  SHE’S Team Chair too!)  Then, we get sad all over again, when Chuck mutters that he isn’t,  in fact, the groom, though we all know, full well, he desperately wants to be.

Of course, Chuck might not be the only one wishing Blair’s groom was another man.  Blair too ends the episode lying on her bed, incredibly despondent, with no interest whatsoever in calling her cyborg, even though she now knows that she can make him “good” again, merely by lying to his face convincing him she’ll never leave him.

Ahhhh, much better. 

As usual, Westwick and Meester  bring just the right amount of pathos, mutual adoration, and longing, to a scene that, in the hands of lesser actors, would not have been nearly as emotional and beautiful as it ended up being.  You can watch the scene, in it’s entirety here:

The episode concludes with Nate and Chuck bonding over liquor and notions of truth.  Nate wonders if Chuck was fully honest with Blair.  He thinks that he was, but regrets not being honest with himself sooner.  “I’ve finally become the man that she wanted, and she’s already chosen another one.  I’m too late,” he says thoughtfully.  NO!  YOU’RE NOT TOO LATE.  YOU’LL BE MAKING OUT IN A LIMO WITH BLAIR AGAIN BY NEXT WEEK.  DON’T YOU WORRY, CHUCKSTER!

“CHUG, CHUG, CHUG!”

And yet, ever the “journalist,” Nate hones in on the question Chuck didn’t answer for Blair that night, which, of course, was the only one she really wanted answered.  “Do you still love her?”  He asks.

Chuck takes a slow ponderous sip of his liquor and stares sadly off into the distance.  “I can’t imagine the day that I don’t,” he says truthfully.

*sigh* 

If you thought that was intense, wait until you check out the Canadian promo for next Monday’s midseason finale, “Riding in Town Cars with Boys.”  (Yes, I’ve decided to put Canada first this time.  Does that make me unpatriotic?)

What’s that I see?  Limo Sex Possibly Revisited, not to mention some VERY choice words from both C and B.  Can I get a HELL YEAH?  (I don’t know.  It does seem a bit too good to be true, though . . . . And don’t even get me started on that whole Princess Diana -esque car crash type thing.  Let’s just hope this isn’t just another one of those dreaded extended Dream Sequences.)

Here’s the American Promo.  See what YOU think?

Yeah, as per usual, those American promo makers didn’t give us much extra, aside from some random crash footage, and a whole lotta Tearful Hugging . . . BOO, HISS to that.

Anywhoo, we’ve got plenty to discuss between now and next Monday.  So, feel free to leave your speculations, rants, and fangirly goodness, in my Comment Section below.  Until then, XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]