Tag Archives: alpha twins

Worst Vacation EVERRR! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Motel California”

this place is great

“Y’all come back now, ya hear?”

The Glen Capri Motel:  Come join us at this 1.5 star, home away from home!  Our accommodations are so spectacular, the guests would literally rather kill themselves than leave!  (198 suicides and counting!)  Amenities include nicotine-scented towels (Mmmmm!) . . .

emphysema

cable TV . . .

turning on channel

static on tv

a buffet-style continental breakfast . . .

oregon-vending-machinebusiness

hungry boyd

and, for those workout buffs, a gym, right in your bedroom!

lifting

So, give us a call today!  Our friendly staff will be more than happy to arrange your death . . .er . . . I mean, your stay!

This week on Teen Wolf, our friendly neighborhood Darach got a bit lazy.

sleep talker

kind of dead

It was bound to happen sometime.  I mean, the guy was clearly over-exerting himself  . . . killing three victims a week, THREE TIMES A PIECE (when one would suffice).

dead bullet guy

dead life guard

dead heather

But this week, the Darach decided to rest on his laurels, and let the werewolves KILL THEMSELVES!  You know, because, if this series has taught us anything about werewolves its that they ALWAYS succeed at everything they try to do . . .

no idea what im doing

The plan failed . . . MISERABLY.  (Werewolves: 4, Darach: 0)  Imagine, an entire hour dedicated to suicide, and not a SINGLE DEATH.

seriously so messed up honour in revenge

Let that be a lesson to you, kiddies.  If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself . . .

dark allison 2 erisaac

Pack your bags, Werebangers!  Because it’s time to check-in to “Motel California” . . .

motel for wolves

[As always, special thanks to Andre .  .  . the greatest screencapper in all the land . . .]

That 70’s Show

1977 is the year

Whenever television shows do 70’s flashbacks, I’m always struck by the bizarre nature of sideburns.

sideburns

They make everybody look like werewolves, which, I guess, in this case, is kind of fitting . . .

gnarly scar

full moon

Nice knowing ya, Random Argent Relative . .  .

killing me softly

“I’ll miss you Burt Reynolds’ mustache!”

alexander argent

The Usual Suspects

Meanwhile, over on the Beacon Hills Cross Country Team Bus . . . actually, I shouldn’t say, “meanwhile,” because it’s 36 years later .  . .which reminds me, why 36 years?  It seems kind of random, no?

nodding oh yeah

At first, I thought, perhaps, Jeff Davis had ole “Uncle” Argent croak on his birthday.  But according to Wikipedia, Jeff Davis was actually born in in 1975, not 77 . . .

big gift

I guess we’ll never know . . .

Anywhoo, Scooby Gang ends up being forced to spend the night at the same hotel where Sideburn Guy ate the business end of his revolver.  Needless to say, Lydia is not pleased . . .

no me gusta

i see dead people

While in bed with Scott . . .

attractie to gay guys

 . . . sorry, I mean, in the bed “next” to Scott, Stiles helpfully reviews with us his chief suspects in the “Druid Sacrifice” killings.

thinking about suspects

“Previously on Teen Wolf . . .”

They are . . .

mr harris

Mr. Harris, because he’s ALWAYS a suspect

derek dream 1

Derek, because “Sterek” hasn’t exactly been going as planned, this season . . .

cora hale

Cora, because she’s related to Derek (see earlier comment about “Sterek failure”) . . .

cryptic vet

Mr. Deaton, because Stiles is creeped out by that whole “Obi Won” thing he has going on . . .

ep 6 youryodai will be gravytrain

 . . . and Lydia, who is basically the female version of the kid from The Sixth Sense . . . except the kid from The Sixth Sense, doesn’t suffer from blackouts, and never poisoned all his friends with wolfsbane.  (Then again, that’s probably because the kid from The Sixth Sense didn’t have any friends except Bruce Willis, who, spoiler alert, was already dead.)

lydia and punch

lyd screams

Stiles also posits that it’s entirely possible that the killer is someone completely random like the English Teacher good ole Kanaima Master Creepy Matt, from last season, who Stiles (AND I!) suspected as being bad news, from the get go . . .

drowning matt

too soon haha - Copy

Honestly, though, I was surprised that Stiles didn’t through Peter in the mix, as a possible suspect.  After all, he’s been a Big Bad before.  Not to mention he seems way smarter than both Derek and Cora . . . just sayin . . .

ep 6 alpha

smirky peter

After all, didn’t Lydia note last week that these sacrifices seemed designed to build the killer’s strength for impending battle?  And we all know Peter has hasn’t quite been back in fighting form, ever since his awakening from the dead . . .

scared peter - Copy

Personally, I’d be bummed if Sassy Uncle Peter ended up being the Bad Guy again.  I’m just putting it out there . . .

In other Villain News . . .

Get in MY BELLY!

get in my belly!

BOW CHICKA WOW, WOW!  Ethan and Danny are putting this creepy hotel to good use . . . a use that involves nipple licking . . .

cuddles dan eth

hump

nipple

“Nom, nom, nom, nom . . .munch”

Talk about making the best of a bad situation . . .

getting laid dan

the scar

Mid-foreplay, Ethan and Danny discuss the latter’s scars, which Danny has had since he’s a child.  Ethan basically offers to heal them for Danny . . . but he does so in a casual enough way, so as not to make Danny think, “My boyfriend’s totally a werewolf, who occasionally gets fisted by his brother, and merges into this big ugly Shrek-looking thing . . .”

offended shrek

Danny, however, likes his scars.  They make him feel like a survivor.

another shot of danny

“Where’s the scar?”

Ethan replies that he hopes Danny will be a survivor . . . a statement I’m sure Danny found sweet, but sounded kind of threatening to me, under the circumstances . . .

Don’t you hate when you are just about to hook up with a guy you really like, and indigestion appears?

indigestion

“Sh*t, not again.”

let me out

“Can’t a guy get a meal in here, every once in a while?  Danny’s weiner only has so much protein in it.”

I don’t know about you, but when I find a bald guy growling in my stomach, I reach for the Pepto Bismol.  Chainsaws are just too messy . . .

constipated

pepto

Then again, it’s possible that Ethan just has a distaste for pink drinks . . .

cutting it out

“This is how Real Men deal with getting the runs . . .”

Fortunately, Stiles and Lydia arrive just in time to stop Ethan from giving himself an emergency tummy tuck.  Unfortunately, the mood has definitely been killed.  No sex in the dingy motel room for Danny and Ethan . . . at least not tonight.

wrestle

im not ready to be a dad

“Was it something I said?”

Dark!Scott Returns

So remember how last week, I made this comment about how I sort of missed Edgy Scott, from Season 1 . . . the-not-yet-in-control-of-his-wolfiness guy, who tried to pork Lydia, even though Stiles was clearly in love with her?

bad scott

Yeah, he was kind of a douche.  But dude was fun to watch!

Anywhoo, the writers of Teen Wolf must read this blog have heard my prayers, because guess who made a surprise return to TV, this week?

mcrapey 2

hide your kids

It’s Scott McRapey!

Walking in on Allison in the shower?  Grasping for her, even though she asked him to leave?  Telling her that sex “as friends” would solve all their relationship problems?  Then, magically “snapping out of it,” and claiming he “forgot what just happened?”

mcrapey

fonde fondle

janet leigh pyscho scream

psycho_norman_bates

Scott just became the male star of every Lifetime movie I’ve ever seen . . .  It was awesome!

In other news, the Red Eyes were back.  Alpha, shmalpha!  Get this boy some Visine, STAT!

visine

visine

Come Play with Us!

It was a busy week for Team Human, this week, who pretty much had to do all the heavy lifting this week, while our supernatural friends were . . . you know . . .  out of their minds and trying to find increasingly creative ways to off themselves . . .

all the articles

Downstairs in the lobby, trying to complain to an old lady with emphysema, because the towels in her supposedly smoke-free room smell like ASH, Lydia stumbles upon some unpleasant history about the motel where Coach Crackpot has willingly forced his students to spend the night.  As it turns out, the Glen Capri hotel holds the record as the “Motel that hosts the most Suicides.”

198

It’s an admittedly dubious distinction.  But Emphysema Lady is proud, nonetheless.  I mean, people could choose to end their lives ANYWHERE.  But the fact that 198 depressives chose the Glen Capri motel, of all places, as the last place on Earth they will ever see while among the living, must be kind of touching to the motel owners . . . in a totally creepy way.

more hanging

newspaper articles

“Prayer circle?”

In fact. Emphysema Lady is so “touched” by the deaths, she’s decided to convert each room into an unofficial suicide museum, helpfully hiding newspaper articles about each of the suicides in the King James Bibles of the room in which they occurred!

Having 198 corpses on your premises, also makes you about 10 times more likely to be haunted than your average Best Western or Motel 6 . . .

In fact, it kind of reminds me a bit of that Other Hotel . . .

shining girls

the-shining-british-movie-poster1

This might explain why Lydia keeps “overhearing” suicides, in presumably empty motel rooms.  You know, like those two kids who shot one another in the head simultaneously, Romeo and Juliet style.

Speaking of Lydia, this isn’t exactly her day.  As if it wasn’t bad enough having 198 people wanting to play with you, Stiles informs her that she might very well be the evil Druid killer. It makes sense, a bit, considering how wacky all the resident werewolves are acting.  The last time we saw these guys act like that, was the type Lydia, possessed by Peter, poisoned them all with wolfsbane at a party.

thanks buddy

“I think I liked you better when you worshipped the ground I walked on, and didn’t accuse me of being a serial killer, each week . . .”

Coincidence?

Downstairs in the lobby, the sign touting the hotels 198 deaths, seems to have magically increased to 201 . . . a number we keep seeing pop up throughout the episode.

201-198 = 3

2 15 forever

The question is, which lucky trio will get to check into Suicide Motel . . . FOREVER?

Insert “Yo Mama” Joke Here

“Ring, ring!  Hey, Scott!  It’s your mom calling.”

seeing mom get butchered

“Just wanted to let you know I’m about to get my throat slit by your nemesis, while you watch.”

slash

“Also, I hope you brought a sweater to your track meet.  I hear it’s a bit nippy outside.”

ep 10 yay mom

“Just kidding.  I’m not really dying.  I’m just a metaphorical representation of your fear that your Wolf Life will ultimately cause the inevitable demise of everyone you love.”

trademark scott face

“But I meant what I said about the sweater . . .”

Ice, Ice, Baby .  . .

You ever see that commercial, where the football player is really hungry, so he temporarily turns into Betty White?

bettywhitesnicker

Well, Boyd’s definitely hungry.  But I’m not quite sure Betty White would be able to do this?

hungry boyd

boyd kicking ass

punched glass

“Care for a Kit Kat?”

(Fun fact.  At the vending machine, Boyd selected candy number 201 . . . you know as in 201 DEATHS in the motel?  Could he be one of the lucky three?)

Later, while getting some ice, Boyd finds a prize inside the icebox . . .

want ice

kid in ice

“Peekaboo!”

Later in his hotel room, Boyd can’t seem to stop hearing the taped transcript of his police interrogation, following his little sister’s abduction at an ice rink, after which she was apparently murdered.

sad boyd

listen to it

In all seriousness, this actually explains a lot about the heretofore enigmatic Boyd . . . a loner, who relives his sibling’s abduction each day, by working at, of all places, an ice rink, and driving a Zamboni.  Not only does this appear to be Boyd’s way of punishing himself for losing track of his sister on that fateful day, it’s also a way for him to make sure that no other little kids at the ice rink suffer the same fate his sister did.

Feeling sorry for himself, Boyd decides to take a bath . . . with a safe?

splat

“Plop.”

just chilin

“Glug, glug, gurgle, fizzzzzzzzzzz”

Fortunately, Lydia’s ability to converse with dead people,  apparently extends to the future dead.  Because Lydia predicts Boyd’s future drowning, just in time for her and Stiles to finding him taking a nap in the tub, sans Rubber Duckie.  Upon determining that heat could be used to break the werewolves out of their suicidal trances,  Lydia instructs Stiles to get some signal flares from the (unlocked?) bus.

He waves one in Boyd’s face and . . .

emergency

wake up bud

“How dare you interrupt my water aerobics session!”

Phew, that was a close one.  Fear not, kiddies.  It looks like Boyd will get to live to be a not-particularly-well-developed-character (save for the dead sister thing) another day . . .

But Boyd isn’t the only werewolf hanging out around ice boxes tonight . . .

Get in the Icebox!

Since there’s nothing good on television  .  . .

turning on channel

“Why are all the werewolves on True Blood such inbred douchebags?”

Isaac decides to take a walk down memory lane, with his dear old dad . . .

bored isaac

“Hey dad, remember that time you locked me in the icebox, because I gave you the wrong-sized tool?”

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

“Good times!”

Isaac actually seems more scared than suicidal, when Stiles finds him hiding under the presumably grossly dirty hotel bed . . .

hiding under

But Stiles decides to put a burning flame in his face anyway.  (That’s what friends are for!)

stiles rescue

Speaking of friends with benefits . . .

Sex Heals All Wounds . . .  Apparently

When we last left English Teacher, she was huddled over a nearly-dead Derek in the school parking lot . . .

omg

So, she does what any woman would do in such a situation: takes him to a hospital   uses a first aid kit on him in an attempt to staunch the bleeding  makes some cheesy jokes about what a hot body he has, and then proceeds to have sex with him, as his gaping, gross, open wounds rub all up on her privates . . .

seriously

“Seriously?”

mackin

Not that Derek is complaining . . .

more mackin

Did I mention that English Teacher has a magic coochie, apparently?

fondle corpse

One roll in the hay with this chick, and he’s CURED!  It’s a MIRACLE!

teen wolf allison argent stiles

“Thank you, Magic Coochie!”

English Teacher has officially become my hero!  Too bad it’s looking more and more likely that she’s evil.

Gas Pains . . .

Speaking of Magic Coochie, Scott could probably use one of those, when Suicide Motel motivates him to douse himself in kerosene, while holding a signal flare . .  .

gasolina

Team Human watches in horror, as Scott threatens to kill himself, thereby putting a premature end to a series that has clearly been written around him . . .

we are losers

“Goodbye Cruel Television Show!”

OK, so most of the fanbase KNOWS the writers wouldn’t really kill Scott, smack in the middle of the season.  But still, it’s an emotional moment . . .

harsh man

Then, Scott starts telling Stiles what losers and nobodies they used to be, before Scott turned into a werewolf . . . the implication being, obviously, that Stiles is STILL a loser and a nobody.

3 15 wtf can i

OUCH!  If I was Stiles, I might have been tempted to let him die for that  .  . . just sayin . . .

mischeivous stiles

“If I’m such a loser, how come YOU’RE the one who smells like gas?”

Obviously, I’m kidding.  But seriously!  Show Stiles a bit of respect, Scott!  He pretty much solves EVERY CRIME COMMITTED ON THIS SHOW!  Not to mention, he’s constantly getting Scott’s dumb ass wolf side out of trouble . . .

stiles-15

But Stiles is clearly a better person than me.  Because rather than telling off Scott,  he gets all teary, and offers to die with him . . . calling the Teen Wolf his best friend and brother . . .

lets die together

“It gets better.”

Once again, Dylan O’Brien hits the scene out of the park, almost making me forget how annoyed I am at Suicidal!Scott for dissing him . . . almost.

When Stiles pulls Scott out of the fire, Lydia gets a surprise glimpse at Voldemort from Harry Potter!  Talk about a cool cameo appearance!

voldemort

ugly guy

“Was the signal flare a horcrux?”

Thar she BLOWS!

The next day on the bus, Lydia steals Coach Crackpot’s whistle, and finds out that someone filled it with wolfsbane, which would explain why the wolves were acting so wacky on this little trip.

the evil whistle

wolfsbane

Except, correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t EVERYONE . . . wolves, humans, and kanaimas alike . . . effected by the wolfsbane, back when Lydia slipped it into her punch at her birthday, last season?  Why was it so much more selective, this time around?  I mean the Coach blew that sh*t RIGHT IN STILES’ FACE!

blow whistle

ok gif

Also, how was Coach able to  get any sound out of the whistle, with all that purple crud in it?  Anyone?  Bueller?

Logical reasoning aside, the gang determines that the Darach .  . . and not the Suicide Motel . . . was responsible for all the almost-murders . . .  If I was the Suicide Motel, I’d be massively offended by this . . .

verbal keyboard smash

Also, on the bus,  Ethan thanks SCOTT for saving his life.

thank you scott

dont understand

SCOTT?  SCOTT? SERIOUSLY?

Scott was out playing in the gasoline!  STILES AND LYDIA saved your life, Ethan!

lydia brave tatikatelena

Why is everybody crapping on Stiles, this season?  Correction, why does everybody crap on Stiles, EVERY SEASON?

stiles sad 3

Makes me mad, is all . . .

Anywhoo, to thank SCOTT for “saving his life,” Ethan tells the Scooby Gang that Derek is still alive . . .

charming derek

However, the Alpha’s plan on killing him . . . again . . . to avenge the death of THIS GUY . .  .

dying ennis

derek watche

“Doh!”

Something tells me that the Magic Coochie won’t help Derek, this time around  . . .

Can I Get You a Tissue . . . GERARD ARGENT?

Back in Adult Town, Papa Argent figures out his daughter flauted his authority by attempting to murder Alpha’s Katnisss Everdeen style, without daddy’s approval.  So, he punishes her, by letting her rot for the night in the same hotel where his Uncle, shortly after turning werewolf, decided to off himself . . .

she did it

“What’s this random escalator doing in here?”

At the end of the episode, Papa Argent pays a visit to a familiar face . . .

chris argent

“Hi honey, I’m home!”

smirking gerard

“Miss me and my massive over-acting?”

That’s right, Kiddies, it’s the MOUNTAIN ASHHHHHH guy . . .

mountain ash

snot nose

(who, apparently,  after all these years,  has never learned how to blow his nose)

the gift of tp

And he’s got some interesting intel about who bit Uncle Argent, back in 1977 . .  . It was . . . wait for it . . . THE DEMON WOLFFFFFF!

demon wolf

Next week on Teen Wolf, Deaton becomes the Maggie Grace character from the movie Taken (which, I guess makes Scott, Liam Neeson?)

See ya then, Werebangers!

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

[www.juliekushner.com][My Tumblr][Fangirls Forever]

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Come Closer – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Unleashed”

sex me now

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As human beings, we can’t help but crave intimacy . . . a warm touch . . . a loving look . . . some kind words of reassurance.  We thrive on these things.  They can make a life, less lonely, and more worth living.

ep 11 salison

9_stiles-lydia

hugsies isaac
But intimacy can be as dangerous, as it is seductive.  Allowing people into your life . . . letting them “come closer,” leaves you vulnerable to rejection, hurt, and pain.  It also makes you about ten times more likely to get bodily dragged under your car, while your dog watches, and brutally murdered by a villain who seems to change his murder victim stereotype about as often as most people change their clothes . . .

going to die

Yes . . . three people died this week on Teen Wolf, adding to the season’s already aggressively gruesome body count.

i see dead people

But, more than that, “Unleashed” was about the benefits and unexpected dangers of physical and emotional intimacy . . .

toss out

So, rev up that motorcycle, avoid cleaning supply closets like the plague, and, for heaven sakes, hold on to your puppies, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . . .

stiles with wolf hat

enjoy the show

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(Special thanks to my screencapper extraordinaire Andre, who I know would bravely rid Stiles of his pesky virginity, if the latter asked nicely.)

Number One with a Bullet

Mistletoe.  Apart from being the impetus behind a few unwanted kisses around Christmas time, it always seemed like a pretty harmless plant.  Right?

mistletoe kisses

ep 7 kissy face

WRONG!  It turns out, Mistletoe is poisonous to adorable pups like Bullet and Secret Teen Werewolves like Scott . . .

BabyScared

It also ultimately brought about the brutal murder of this Poor Schmuck . . .

whois your daddy

“He knows who the Alpha is,” Not-Yet-Dead Guy muses to Scott the Dog Whisperer, after the latter extracts the offending bite of Mistletoe from pet Bullet’s body.

mistletoe

(And just in case you didn’t catch the OBNOXIOUSLY OBVIOUS FORESHADOWING in that statement, both Scott and the Vet spend their next three minutes of screen time winking at the television screen, until you do . . .)

ephemeral

It’s a bit unusual to me that a guy who believes himself to be a “military man,” would (1) own the type of dainty dog that looks like he’d be right at home in a socialite’s designer purse; and (2) be so incredibly lousy at teaching that dog obedience.

bullet dog

“Here Puppy  . . . Puppy,”” Not-Yet-Dead Guy calls out ineffectually, as his unleashed dog runs out of the veterinary office and into a back alley.

here doggie

Bullet: “I’m not your B*tch.”

Clearly, Bullet knows who the Alpha isn’t . . .

Believing his dog to have run under a trash compactor, Not-Yet-Dead-Guy makes the genius move of STICKING HIS HEAD UNDER IT . . .

come closer 1

no no on

Already I’m cringing at my TV screen, while I wait for Not-Yet-Dead Guy’s face to get flattened like a pancake.  Fortunately, for Not-Yet-Dead-Guy he gets to survive long enough to make TWO MORE REALLY STUPID MISTAKES.  

owww bit

First, he STICKS HIS HAND UNDERNEATH THE DAMN THING.

draco malfoy facepalm

“You bit me!” Not-Yet-Dead guy yelps in accusation, as he removes his hand from beneath the compactor, only to find his dog waiting patiently behind him.

look at my bite

stupid human

“Stupid Human.  I ought to send this in to America’s Funniest Home Videos.”

But wait . . . if it wasn’t Bullet that bit not-yet-dead guy, who could it possibly be?

stefan shrug

Perhaps, it’s the creepy guy that’s weirdly chanting “Come Closer” from underneath the trash compactor . . .

Pop Quiz, Wolfbangers.  It’s the middle of the night.  You and your dog are hanging out in a dark alley.   You hear the voice of the unidentified thing that JUST BIT YOU telling you to COME CLOSER.  Do you:

(a) Grab your dog, and run away fast

(b) Grab your dog, and run away faster

(c) Grab your dog, get in your car, and drive away fastest or

(d) Stick your head back under the trash compactor, like a schmuck, and kiss your ass (and potential for recurring guest star status on Teen Wolf) goodbye.

I’m sorry, Owner of Bullet.  D was not the correct answer.  As a consolation prize, you get to have your head separated from your body.  But, hey, you weren’t really using that pesky brain much, anyway, right?

you can be my new dad

“You can be my new daddy.”

pick up dog

“But first you have to learn to hold me correctly . . .”

pick up dog 2

“Oh Brother!”

Thanks for playing.  Better luck next life time.

The Part Where I Weigh in on the Derek Hale New Love Interest Controversy . . .

Let’s get this one out of the way, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

So, here we have our adorable English Teacher, with a penchant for inappropriately texting students, and hanging out in school boiler rooms at 3 a.m. . . .

scared teach

“Just because I am always in danger, and completely incapable of protecting myself, doesn’t mean I’m a Damsel in Distress.”

She hears a noise outside.  And like any good damsel in distress grabs onto the nearest phallic object to protect herself . . .

holding stick

But fear not, English Teacher!  That noise was nothing more than your Neighborhood Sexy Wolf, who has come a-courtin’!

im the alpha cameronbaum

English Teacher immediately starts babbling on about how her therapist thinks she’s crazy.  Because nothing turns a hot twenty something male on more, than a woman, who likes to talk about her mental and emotional problems with people she just met . . .

big bitch crazy

Start talking about your period, now, English Teacher.  That will really make him swoon!

tampon-med1

moony look

“She’s Dreamy!”

And yet, Derek seems to find all of this “quirkiness” adorable.  Possibly because he was mesmerized by her perky boobs, and didn’t actually hear the annoying words coming out of her mouth.    Intent on impressing his lady love, Derek even offers up some information he read off the inside cover of the Cliff Notes from The Crucible, to show English Teacher what a smart, well-spoken guy he can be!

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

Before he leaves her, the two exchange names, in hopes that they will have the opportunity for at least one roll in the hay set to pop music, before English Teacher meets her inevitable demise .  . . or, in a “surprise twist,” is revealed as the Evil Mastermind Behind Either the Alpha Pack or the Druid Sacrifices . . .

bitch face

she turns into the devil tendermercies

All right, so here’s the thing.  Contrary to what some might think, I’m not bothered by the fact that the writers have given Derek a love interest that isn’t Stiles . . . or Allison . . . or ME.  In fact, if having a love interest on the show, means more shirtless Derek, or more moony-eyed, lusty-looking Derek, I welcome the storyline with open arms . . .

ep 9 yeah derek just teenwolf

internet derek 3

let me love you

I’m just having trouble getting behind the idea of English Teacher as the love interest.  Yeah, I get that she’s “hot” or whatever.  She’s just so milquetoasty!  And beyond that, she just seems void of any of the sort of personality traits (edge, spunk, a sarcastic sense of humor) that would make for an interesting pairing with a brooding strong silent type like Derek.

sarcasm defense

Long story short, from a plot perspective, I understand the need for this couple.  They look “pretty” together.  And I’m sure younger fans will eat them up, for that reason alone.

happy elena

But from a writing perspective, I feel like, if the sole purpose of English Teacher’s character is to be a love interest for Derek and/or future victim / surprise villain, she needs to be written in a more dynamic way, so that the developing couple is more appealing, and “shippable.”

speedboat-2

Since we are on the subject of new characters, let’s talk about those twins.  Shall we?

Taking One for the Team

Over in the boys locker room, Coach Crackpot tells the kids that they are flabby and out of shape.

fat asses big

hot men no shirts

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Apparently, Deucalion isn’t the only blind guy on this show . . .

number of fingers

Meanwhile, Stiles propositions the entire lacrosse team for sex, upon learning that another possible virgin joined the ranks of the definitely dead in Beacon Hills, last night . . .

threat life

sex me now 2

Any volunteers?

ill do it

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Danny offers to be a hero, and take one up the butt for the team . . .

Stiles thanks him for his generosity.  And in the inevitable porn version of this series (bonus points to the commenter, who comes up with the best porn name for this series), that’s when things get really interesting . . .

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

But alas, this is just MTV, not Pay Per View.  And Danny’s gallant offer was nothing but a big fat lie.  What a cock tease!

blue balls

Speaking of cock teases . . . these two . . .

twins - Copy

OK . . . OK . . . I know that one is gay, while the other is straight, and that they occasionally “talk” now.  But I still can’t tell these two doofuses apart, or determine whether they possess actual personalities.

look confused

Perhaps, the costume department should have them wear these to avoid confusion . . .

gay one

straight one

Isaac . . . being an open-minded, non discriminating kind of guy . . .  doesn’t particularly care which one gay, and which one is straight.  He wants them both equally dead.

isaac running

twins running

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The three men mutually agree that the absolute best place to wolf out, and have a gang fight is in the woods right in the middle of a mandatory cross country run.  This way, the only people who could potentially see them, and learn their Deep Dark Wolfy Secrets, are THE ENTIRE LACROSSE TEAM!

roar 1

roar 2

roar 3

rawr

Fortunately, Brutally Murdered Bullet’s Owner, appears literally out of nowhere, to protect these three dumb-dumbs from themselves . . .

dead bullet guy

tears from stiles

homeless kid

wasnt on the team

Talk about taking one for the team!

Speaking of taking one for the team, do you remember the scene from that old Disney movie, Lady and the Tramp, where the two twin Siamese cats made a total mess of the house, and then expertly got poor Lady to take the blame?

Twin 1 beating up Twin 2, and letting Isaac take the rap for it, kind of reminds me of that . . .

beat self up

wtf

*crickets*

protect

you are a monster

Except, since I still can’t tell the twins apart, watching Twin 1 beat up Twin 2, was kind of like watching Ed Norton beat up Ed Norton at the end of Fight Club . . .

hit me as hard as you

beat two

Also taking a hit to the face this week was Stiles, who learned the hard way that there is no tactful way to ask the grieving girlfriend of a guy who was just brutally murdered, if her military-loving boyfriend had the opportunity to bone her, before he went off to that Big ROTC in the Sky . . .

talking to widow

too soon haha - Copy

But hey, Stiles!  Look on the bright side.  At least that pesky serial killer isn’t offing virgins, anymore!

teen wolf allison argent stiles

Coming out of the Closet

Because Isaac gets detention for not “beating up” one of the twins . . . and the writers need Allison to have detention too for “romantic reasons,” we get THIS random scene . . .

sleepy baby

*insert loud snores*

 . . . in which Allison falls asleep in class, and mistakes the French teacher / Guidance Counselor / Vet’s Friend / Possible Evil Alpha-Loving Ninja for her mother . . .

sees her mother

impasse

You can understand Allison’s confusion.  I mean, these two look EXACTLY ALIKE!

7 4 twins

 In detention, Allison and Isaac get paired together to do something in the supply closet that I don’t quite remember, but it sounds awfully kinky . . .

Allison sort of / kind of apologizes to Isaac for . . . you know . . . trying to kill him, and stuff.

stabbed me twenty times

stabbed me

multi stab

Foreplay . . .

And Isaac sort of / kind of forgives her, because he would very much like to know what she looks like naked . . .

flirting 1

flirting 2

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I love the obvious chemistry these two actors (who were dating in real life, back when this was shot) have with one another on screen.  And, for that reason, I’m much more willing to get on board with them as a future couple, than I was with Scott and Allison.  But just as I have trouble believing Derek would fall for a Mary Sue like English Teacher, it’s difficult for me to see Isaac, a child of abuse, falling for  . . . really . . . his only male friend’s ex, who so gleefully brutalized him, just a few months ago.  Likewise, I have difficulty understanding why Allison would hit on another werewolf, so soon after she supposedly swore off the entire species, for good . . .

thinking

Maybe she’s just really horny . . .

Anywhoo . . . SOMEONE locks Isaac and Allison in the closet, which gives Isaac PTSD about all those times when his dad locked him in the icebox . . . which causes him to wolf out .  .  . which puts Allison’s life in danger . . .

ptsd

fighting

If I recall correctly, of the three newbie wolves, Isaac was the best at controlling his rage, because he used his rage over his father’s abuse as an anchor, to prevent him from ever becoming an abuser himself . . .

anchor found

Given the volatility of this moment, it’s interesting – if not exactly surprising, given all the ad nauseum foreshadowing of Scott rising to Alpha status – that Scott is successfully able to replace Isaac’s own father, as the anchor to Isaac’s humanity.  Upon freeing Allison from the closet, Scott literally “Alpha’s” Isaac into submission . . .

owned

vulnerable isaac

“Does this mean I’m grounded?”

Now, Scott is REALLY pissed.  The Alpha Twins have officially messed with his ex girlfriend, his bromantic buddy, and . . . Lydia?!

lyd and twin

hawt

Jealous much?

THIS MEANS WAR!

Sweet Vengeance

gotcha al

In what was probably my favorite scene in the episode, Scott, Allison and Isaac band together to exact perfect justice on those doofy Alpha Twins, by throwing that Siamese Cat Framing Trick the Bad Guys pulled at the beginning of the episode, right back in their faces.  All it takes is a little motorcycle sabotage .  . .

bike parts

. . . a hot cell phone pic . . .

looking hot on bike

. . . and a sexually tense lesson in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance for Dummies . . .

throttle 1

throttle 2

throttle 3

throttle 4

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Considering Isaac spent his first time on a motorcycle, half unconscious, with a sliced open tummy, and a pair of painfully electrocuted nipples . . .

relaxing ride

. . . I’d say he does a pretty good job instantly figuring out how to maneuver it into the school, while making just enough noise to spark the Evil Alpha Twins attention . . .

riding around school

Isaac slips away quietly, just as one of the two Evil Alpha Twins rushes out to save his precious bike.  (How did he know it was his?  Aren’t both the bikes identical?)

see ya

“By the way, your engine sounds like it could use a tune up.”

I also like how, even though everyone in class, including English Teacher, heard the sound of the motor, before the Alpha twin ran out into the hall way, everyone immediately assumed the twin was somehow responsible for getting the bike into the school . . .

busted ha

“Maybe he moved it with his mind?  Perhaps, I should ask my new hunky werewolf boyfriend if this is possible.  After all, he’s REALLY smart, and read The Crucible.”

Regardless, it was awesome . . .

ian says awesome

But the twins’ Bad Day isn’t quite over . . .

For starters, that one twin has to get fisted again.  (If it’s the same twin who got the beating earlier in the episode, I’m crying foul.  Being a bottom is one thing.  Being a b*tch to yourself is quite another)

morph

Then they both have to turn into this ugly thing . . .

turning

eww

yuck face

ISAAC: “So, let me get this straight.  Lydia and Danny would rather bone THAT THING than you and Stiles?  That’s just cold . . .”

SCOTT: “I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.”

As if all that wasn’t bad enough, just when the twins are finally ready to give Isaac and Scott the beat down they’ve been waiting to give them the entire episode, Big Bad Blind Alpha Daddy pops up seemingly out of nowhere, and emasculates them in the worst way possible . . . by literally giving them a spanking . . .

sad boys

“But Daddy, they started it!”

smack

sad boys

Backaches and Heartbreaks

Speaking of Big Bad Alpha Daddy, he and his little clan of Evil Alphas interrupted Derek’s and his sister’s workout session, to pay a little house call . . .

kali

stabby

“Is this because I didn’t offer you any coffee?”

Gross Chick Kali still can’t be bothered to wear shoes.  But at least this time, she gave herself a pedicure . . .

painted toenails

While Derek is like BLEEDING TO DEATH and stuff, Deucalion drones on conversationally about how cool it is to murder your entire pack, because it allows you to absorb their magical powers.  Apparently, doing this has enabled Deucalion to become . . .

destroyer of worlds

demon wolf

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 . . . a Massive Over-Actor . . . kind of like someone else we know . . .

mountain ash

(How great would it be to just put these two in a room, and let them scream at each other?)

OK, so I have a question . . . if Blind Deucalion gets to take the best parts of all the werewolves he kills, why didn’t he bother murdering a wolf with 20-20 vision?

see or not

Deucalion generously invites Derek to murder his entire pack, so that he can join the Big Bad Blind Guy’s Merry Club of Personality-Free Psycho Killers.  Derek would politely decline, except, he’s kind of unconscious right now.  Sorry!

tired now

Then The Deuce and his awful crew exit stage left, leaving Maid Cora to mop all the blood off the floor, all by herself . . . Rude Sexist Bastards!

Fearing that his own bloodlust and fallibility as a leader will put his pack in danger, Derek “White Fangs” poor Isaac, kicking him out of the apartment, without explanation . . .

go back to your kind

white fang me

care about

And when Isaac refuses to go quietly, Derek does the one thing he knows Isaac can’t forgive.  He evokes the painful memory of his father . . .

hit 1

hit 2

hit 3

hit 4

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This moment of poignant betrayal sends a sexy, wet t-shirt wearing, Isaac right into the arms of . . . you guessed it . . . Hero Scott.

wet t one

wet t two

wet t three

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jack's complete lack

But hey, if this means more communal showers for these two, I’m totally game. . .

ep 8 more shower scott 2

Three is the Magic Number

Meanwhile, in their seemingly completely separate Murder-Sacrifice Plotline, that zany crime duo, Stiles and Lydia, get a lesson in druid tree worship from that wise Vet Guy . . .

crime duo

“We are totally the new Mulder and Scully from the X-Files, Lydia. You are even a ginger!”

Apparently, like Deucalion, the Druids (in addition to worshipping trees, and the number three), believe that certain types of individuals have natural power that can be harnessed and absorbed . . . people like virgins . . . and soldiers.  But when they can’t get real soldiers they will settle for ROTC kids who name their dog Bullet . . .

rotc

Having always had a creepy talent for finding dead people banshee, Lydia is surprised to find herself mindlessly sketching oak trees in the music room, with no memory as to how she got there . . .

not art class

Danny: “Personally, I prefer to sketch nudes.  But trees are cool too, I guess.”

When the Music Teacher doesn’t show up for class, Lydia plays a recording on his desk, and is horrified when it is overtaken by that now-familiar chanting sound that seems to precede all the sacrifice deaths we’ve seen on the show this season . . .

chanting

Either that, or she’s listening to Kanye West’s Yeezus, for the first time . . .

Stiles had warned Lydia, last week, that she should call him, before she calls 911, whenever she thinks she’s discovered another dead body.  And it’s a good thing she does.  Because, within five minutes of entering the music room, Stiles finds what he’s looking for . . . evidence that the Music Teacher was a military man . . .

Remember one is an accident, two is a coincidence, and, of course . . .

cadet

dead teach

Oh creepy Professor Harris!  It seems like only yesterday, I was suspecting you as both the Alpha, from Season 1, and the Kanaima from Season 2.  It’s too bad your tenure on the show had to end with you tied to a tree, begging for your life, after hastily scrawling an important clue on the last papers you will ever get to grade: “DARACH.”

deaddd

But hey!  Look on the bright side!  At least you won’t be suspect, this season!

Until next time, Wolfbangers!

hi stiles

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