Tag Archives: Amanda Setton

Gossip Girl Season 5 Through the Looking Glass – A look at where all our UES’ers left off, and what this means for the show’s final season . . .

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Greetings Upper East Siders!  Well, it’s been a long and bumpy ride (complete with about 50 bad decisions, 30 meta-references to previous seasons, 25 questionable fashion choices, 3 different Gossip Girls, a car accident, a dead baby, a cyborg wedding, and Dan’s hair).

But we’ve made it to the end of another season of Gossip Girl. 

With only ten episodes (and one retrospective) remaining in the entire series, “The Return of the Ring” was arguably GG’s most important episode to date!  After all, where each of these characters landed at the end of the episode will undoubtedly play a major role in determining their Ultimate Destination.  For some characters, their futures are looking quite bright . . .

For others?  Not so much . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

Nate Archibald

For the Upper East Side’s resident genius . . .

. . . Season 5 (like every season before it) was mainly about the ladies.  First there was the Cougar . . .

Then, the Imposter . . .

And, finally the Ingenue . . .

But with Diana out of the Country, Ivy still largely persona non-grata with the NJBC, and Lola headed out of town to be a Flying Monkey or something . . . Nate’s sure to find himself with a pair of these, this summer . . .

And yet that newfound loneliness will give him all the time and energy he needs to set his sights on yet another lady . . . one who’s arguably more important to the Upper East Side than all of Nate’s other  recent women combined . . . Gossip Girl.

That’s right!  Thanks to a  surprise video tip from Diana, our pretty little intrepid journalist might just be hot on GG’s trail.  The question is what will he do when he finds her?  Take her down?  Or take her to bed?  The answer to that question will likely comprise Nate’s journey through Gossip Girl’s final season.

Who are we kidding?  We know he’s going to f*&k her.  XOXO, indeed!

As for Gossip Girl herself, I have a little theory on who she might be . . .

Penelope Shafai

Lately, I’ve been concocting this theory that Minion #1, Penelope has been Gossip Girl, all along. Think about it. She’s the only character that’s been on the show consistently since the pilot episode, who isn’t part of main cast. For five seasons, she’s been close enough to the NJBC to obtain the information she needs to do the job, but distant enough from them to avoid detection.

As further evidence of my case, in this, the latest episode of Gossip Girl, Penelope was found with her well-manicured fingers all over Blair Waldorf’s precious diaries.  Later, she allied with the Queen B’s frenemy Serena, to keep Blair from attending the Shepard’s Divorce Party,  and possibly reuniting with the Donut.  Wouldn’t it be ironic, if the same minion Blair has hired time and time again, to put out the fires Gossip Girl has set on her life, actually ended up being Gossip Girl, herself . .

However, while I’ve been long suspecting Penelope of being the Girl Behind the Laptop, many of YOU have set your sights on another of Nate’s ladies . . .

Lola Rhodes

Never one to be fully comfortable with the World of Wealth and Privilege her family and Nate inhabited, for Lola, the absolute last straw was learning that her Aunt Lily, had sabotaged her mother’s legal defense, by hiring an attorney to take on and subsequently botch her case.  So, this week, Lola decided to turn over her recently inherited share of Grandma Cece’s estate to, her former imposter, Ivy, of all people.

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(And why not?  Cece bequested it to HER, in the first place.)  Lola’s only precondition to the payout?  That Ivy use it to bring down the Malevolent Lily van der Woodsen  Bass Humphrey Bass . . .

As for Lola herself, after turning down Nate’s invitation to move in with her, she ended the episode by heading off on tour with the Broadway show Wicked as a “swing” . . . a.k.a. a perpetual Flying Monkey or munchkin.  Rumor has it, we won’t be  seeing her again any time soon . . .

Ivy Dickens

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Unlike her pseudo alter ego, Lola,  Ivy always seemed to fit quite well into the Upper East Side world.  In fact, girlfriend was so desperate to fit in, that even after being shunned by the entire VDW clan, a few weeks back, Ivy willing volunteered to play a major part in one of the NJBC’s classic takedown schemes . . . playing a hooker no less.  With cash at her disposal, and Revenge on her menu, something tells me Ivy will be a major player on the Upper East Side in Season 6 . . .

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Speaking of people with something to prove . . .

Rufus Humphrey

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Spurned by his wife for the Upper East Side’s undead answer to Montgomery Burns, the UES’ favorite house husband, will probably spend much of the summer holed up in Brooklyn, licking his wounds, and using his recently filed annulment papers as some very expensive toilet paper.

But wimpy as he might be (he is Donut Dan’s dad, after all), something tells me the Elder Humphrey won’t be going down, without a fight.  My prediction?  He and Lily will reunite, once and for all, in the series finale . . .

Lily van der Woodsen

From her petty (not to mention incredibly greedy) attempts to sabotage her own dead mother’s will . . . to her icy cold treatment of her newfound niece Lola .  . . to her intolerance for living anywhere that isn’t the Upper East Side . . . to her callous dismissal of her husband . . .to the malevolent way she sabotaged her own sister’s legal defense, Lily van der Woodsen has been a nearly impossible character to root for this season.

And her recent decision to annul her marriage to Rufus Humphrey, in favor of Comic Book Super Villain Montgomery Burns Bart Bass certainly doesn’t help matters.

However, I predict that Season 6 will be Lily’s Redemption Story.  And that Chuck Bass will play a major role in that.  After all, Lily’s care and support of her adopted son is one of the most relatable aspects of her usually chilly character.  (It could even be argued, that Lily is a better mother to Chuck than she is to Serena or Eric.)

I’m thinking that when Lily finds out the true story of how Bart vindictively ripped the Empire away from the same son, who recently saved his life, she won’t be keeping the Bass bed warm much longer.  Speaking of Bart . . .

Bart Bass

This asshat’s in for a major takedown, NJBC-style!  I mean, here’s a guy who used his own son’s lifelong love for a woman to rip the business the latter spent years building right out from under him!  That’s just cold!

With the Empire back under his sole control, his lady by his side, and the man who tried to have him killed behind bars, Chuck’s dad seems to be riding pretty hight right now.

But the higher they rise, the harder they fall.  And with his son and his uncle plotting his demise, something tells me, Season 6 isn’t going to end all that pleasantly for the elder Bass . . .

Speaking of falling from grace . . .

Serena van der Woodsen

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The pilot episode of this series began with a UES exiled and drug-addled Serena VDW staring forelornly out a dirty bus window, after getting caught screwing her best friend’s boyfriend on top of a bar at the Shepard’s wedding.

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The season 5 finale had Serena making a similar mess of things . . . first by inadvertently leaking her bestie Blair’s diaries to Gossip Girl . . . and later by seducing Blair’s then boyfriend Donut Dan . . . you guessed it . . . on top of a bar at the Shepard’s wedding (She even videotaped it, for heaven sakes).  Rejected by her best friend, a prospective employer, and the object of her affection (Donut . . . no accounting for taste), all in one episode, Serena has once again truly hit rock bottom.

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And if the final scene of this episode is any indication, she’ll spend the summer snorting nose candy, and getting felt up by drug dealers on trains.

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 My prediction for Serena in Season 6?  An emergency intervention led by all her friends, who, mad as they might be at her right now, love her too much to see her throw her life away like this . . . again.

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 Oh, and hopefully she’ll end up with Nate.  I always really liked those two together . . .

Speaking of people who recently f*&ked Serena . . .

Donut Humphrey

Five seasons, and Dan still hasn’t managed to cut that ridiculous hair.

The Season 5 finale was a “hard” one for the Donut, in more ways than one.  Of course, it was no suprise to any of us, that Blair ultimately (FINALLY) ditched Humpty Humphrey for the real love of her life, Chuck Bass.

But Donut didn’t see it coming, deluded as he was by the notion that if he whined hard enough, and gave Blair a sufficient number of ultimatums, she would be bullied into choosing him instead.

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Given that, it’s not surprising that Humpty Humphrey spent the second half of the episode getting wasted with Serena, and humping her at a Divorce Party, of all places.  After all, when the going gets tough, the tough get f*&ked by their ex’s best friends.

Now, you would think that the Donut would be at least somewhat remorseful of his actions.  After all, since Blair hadn’t publicized her choice yet, at the time Dan was screwing Serena, he technically cheated on her.  But nooooo . . . Donut remains just as self-righteous as he was in the pilot episode.

And by the episode’s end, he’s literally making a deal with Devil, i.e. Georgina, to evicerate his former Upper East Side friends in a nonfiction expose.

Hey, at least, with Georgina as his snarky co-authoress, Dan’s new book will be better than that lame Dair fanfiction he wrote last year  .  . .

In other news . . .

Jack Bass

Who knew the man most known for having Hep C, whore mongering, and his hotels-for-chicks imbroglio was actually a closet romantic?

After being similarly shafted from the Empire by his much older brother, Jack Bass came to a necessary, if uneasy, alliance with fellow shafted family member, Chuck Bass.

Together, the two hit the casinos in Monte Carlo to win big money, and plot their mutual takedown of the malevolent Bart Bass. But first, Jack has some matters of the heart to take care of .  . . Chuck’s heart . . .

Of course, I save the best TWO for last . . .

Chuck Bass

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It’s been a roller coaster of a season for our dear Chuck . . .  starting with that whirlwind summer he spent in LA, risking his life on a daily basis, and trying in vain to shield himself from the pain of lost love.

Chuck’s return to the Upper East Side brought with it the reopening of old wounds . . . but it also allowed Chuck to open his heart to someone very special . . .

What followed was Chuck’s redemption story.  Early on in the seaon, he vowed to become the man Blair needed him to be, even if she never got the chance to experience it herself.

Eventually, however, Blair DID see Chuck for the changed man he was.

And the two shared a blissful, if short, romantic reunion, one that, unfortunately, ended in the tragedy of Blair’s lost baby, and almost ended Chuck’s life.

Following the accident, Chuck lost Blair again, for patently ridiculous reasons.  But it didn’t stop him from supporting her, or for paying the dowry that got her out of that sham of a Cyborg marriage.

As if all that wasn’t enough, Chuck went through a series of weeks, where every day he had a new father, and a different mother.  Weird!

But with Blair’s help, Chuck finally figured out his real deep dark family secret  . . . His father had been alive all this time!  In two weeks time Chuck went from, thinking his father wasn’t his father, to finding out his father was alive, to avenging his father’s fake death, to losing his business to that same father!  My head spins just thinking about it.

Given all that he’s been through this season, can you blame Chuck for initially being a bit skeptical of Blair’s decision to FINALLY choose him?

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But worry not, Chair fans.  We all know it’s not REALLY over until Gossip Girl says, “XOXO!”

Blair Waldorf

Lost and found . . . that’s the way I’d describe Blair’s character arc this season.  More than any other character, Blair seemed to have lost her way throughout Season 5.  Through her weird, dull, and at- times infuriating courtship with Louis-bot . . .

. . .  to her ridiculous and uncharacteristically brief foray into religiosity . . .

. . .   to her shocking change of style . . .

. .  .to the bizarre way in which she magically decided she loooooooved a Donut, and then just as magically decided that she didn’t . . .

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. . .  Blair seemed to spend much of the season stumbling around in a fog, trying desperately to reconnect with the sexy, spunky, smart,  sassy, and strong woman she’d been for twenty years.

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But by the end of Season 5, Blair finally found that woman again.

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She used that strength to make positive changes in her life . . . first by agreeing to take on her mother’s business . . . then by ditching deadweight Dan . . . and finally . . . by following her heart.

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After watching Chuck chase Blair all season, mostly to no avail, it was so satisfying to see Blair finally come to him, with her heart in her hand, ready to begin their future together.

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For Chair fans, like myself, there was nothing more satisfying than watching Blair, in the final moments of the episode, refusing to take no for an answer, and deciding to bet it all on the love of her life.

My prediction for these two, next season?  The beginning of a well-earned Happily Ever After . . .

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Roses are Red, Tulips are Coke-y : A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “While You Weren’t Sleeping”

WARNING:  Sleep Deprivation and lots of pot can make you do TERRIBLE things, like wear an unflattering robe on your first date, and dance VERY badly to songs by Ke$ha .  . .

Who said Gossip Girl couldn’t make you a better person?  I mean, just think about all the life lessons we learned from this week’s episode of Gossip Girl!   Here are just some of them: (1) Get a good night sleep . . .

(2) Don’t do drugs (unless, they are provided by Chuck Bass).

(3) In life, sometimes, it is important to stop and smell the roses . . . or . . . the tulips . . . to see if they contain coke.

(4) Other times, it is MORE important to smell YOURSELF.  (Personal hygiene is VERY important, PEOPLE!)

(5) Friends are SUPER important.  (Even those sort of dorky friends, who you don’t like to admit are your actual friends, but they totally ARE!)

(6) Oh, and above all?  Never, EVER, be ANYTHING like . . . HER!

Any questions?

Now, that we’ve gotten all those pesky “morals” out of the way, let’s get on with the recap.  Shall we?

Eric’s Turning Legal (and Serena Plays Scrabble?!) – ALERT THE MEDIA!

When the episode opens, Serena an Ben are sharing breakfast in Brooklyn.  Currently, they are engaging in a fascinating conversation about whether the toast they are eating is sufficiently “toasty.”  (I wish I was making this up.  But I’m not.)  Enter, a very pissy looking Dan . . .

Apparently, this “toasty” couple kept Dan up all night, with their . . . playing Scrabble.  (I wish that was a euphemism for something more exciting.  It’s not.) 

Dan expresses some surprise that Serena suddenly knows how to read enjoys playing Scrabble.  But, really, he should not be so surprised.  After all, Serena is one of those girls who pretends to like EVERYTHING her Boyfriend of the Month likes.  For example, when Serena dated Dan, she pretended to like flannel shirts, emo music, old movies, and raccoon zombies named Little J . . .

Much like the rest of us, Dan gets tired of watching Serena and Ben pretend to be a Hot Couple, and leaves. 

Once Dan is out of the picture, Serena flutters her eyelashes, and begs Boring Boyfriend Ben to attend her brother’s 18th Birthday Party, despite the fact that it’s being thrown by the woman who was solely responsible for him spending two years in the pokey for a pedophillic crime he didn’t commit even though he REALLY, REALLY wanted to.

Ben refuses to go to the party, which makes his new girlfriend “very disappointed in him.”  In fact, Serena is more disappointed in Ben now, than she was, back when he hired his sister to try to ruin her life, and ended up almost killing her.  It’s always nice to know that people on this show have their priorities straight . . .

Speaking of ruined lives, and messed up priorities, Eric, a.k.a. Mini vDW, has been pretending to be sick with the flu, so that he can skip his own Barely Legal Birthday Bash, and instead, act as Drug Dealing Damien’s Coke Mule.  (I think I saw a movie like this once . . .).  But, of course, Serena catches Mini vDW in the act, and is, you guessed it, “very disappointed in him.”

Eric explains to Serena how Drug Dealing Damien is blackmailing Eric to deliver kilos of coke, hidden inside pink tulips, or else he will release information, regarding how Lily committed perjury to get Ben thrown in jail all those years ago.  In response, Serena tells him that “she will take care of it.”  This way, Eric can enjoy his Big Stinkin’ Rich, but Still Incredibly Lame, Birthday Party, without the fear of having to spent his first few “legal” years behind bars.  (Golly gee, I wish MY siblings would deal drugs and commit felonies for ME!)

“You know, now that I think about it, this is exactly what I did on MY 18th birthday except I carried all the coke in my ginormous bra!  Ahhhh . . . memories!”

Speaking of folks who could use a good snort of coke . . .

Blair Needs Dan’s Help – ALERT THE MEDIA!

Poor Broken-hearted Blair!  Like the rest of us, she remembers that fateful (*sniffle, sniffle*) speech she made to Chuck a few episodes back, in which she told him that she needed to be successful in her own right, before she could be “Chuck Bass’ Girlfriend.”  So, of course, Blair is trying to become “successful in her own right” as quickly as humanly possible.  This way, she can stop going to the damn movies all the time, and START having mindblowing sex in limosines, AGAIN!

The problem, of course, is that there aren’t enough hours in the day for Blair to be a full-time student,  RUN W Magazine (HAHA!), annoy all the women on the Forbes list, and help Serena with her Problem of the Week.  Oh, did I mention that all her interns QUIT? 

So, Blair has been foregoing sleep, and has hired her minions to do her coursework / errands for her . . .

 She is also letting Dorota DRESS HER.  No wonder Blair ended up wearing a French Maid Halloween Costume to work, yesterday!

When a SUPER SELFISH SERENA comes barging into Blair’s office, demanding that the latter help her come up with a scheme to bring down Drug Dealing Damien (Seriously?  Is Serena not the WORST, MOST SELFISH, FRIEND EVER?  Did she NOT watch what happened to Blair, during last week’s episode?  Has she NO HEART?). Blair is forced to beg for help from the very last person she wanted to ask . . .  THIS GUY.

Dan agrees to help relieve Blair of some of the tremendous burden she is under, provided she admit that he is “a friend” of hers, and not a “minion or underling.”  Blair’s EXTREMELY reluctant, mumbled admittance of this fact, was probably the funniest part of the episode for me. 

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(By the way, kudos to the GG makeup department, for successfully making Blair look bleary-eyed, frazzled, and unrested, yet still TOTALLY fabulous, this week.)

Speaking of Dan, has anybody else started to wonder if he EVER attends classes, downtown, at NYU?  Because, lately, it seems like the guy spends ALL his time (1) hanging around the W offices, where he is NO LONGER EMPLOYED; and (2) following Blair and/or Serena around the Upper East Side, like a little lost puppy dog.  Just sayin’.

Usually a champ at bossing around others, Blair fails to properly direct Dan in how to best serve her.  And so, the poor guy ends up taking on the Drug Mule Duties Blair had originally assigned Minion Penelope.  Oops!  As if that wasn’t bad enough, she told Dan to pick up the WRONG COLOR tulips. As a result, the ones Dan ended up bringing to Eric’s party, though very pretty (Purple is my favorite color!), were disappointingly DRUG FREE . . .

(By the way, I loved how, when the miscolored tulips arrived, the SUPPOSELY non-druggie Eric tested whether they were the right tulips, by SNORTING THEM ALL!)

We are SO on to YOU, Mini vDW!  Get thee to rehab!  GO!

Other things Blair screwed up this week include:

(1) Dictating the WRONG test information to her minion;

(2) Mixing up Eric’s birthday gift, with a gift she bought for her mother; and WORST OF ALL . . .

(3) wearing two MISMATCHED shoes to Eric’s party (They were both REALLY ugly too) where . . .surprise, surprise . . . she was trying to impress some random Special Guest Star influential business figure . . .

Hey Blair, you know what I hear is a really great substitute for sleep, in terms of invigorating the mind, and preventing mishaps like this?  LIMO SEX .   . .

Speaking of Chuck Bass 😉 . . .

Please LORD let this Boring Ass Corporate Takedown Story BE OVER!

We open with Chuck “hiring” Nate as his “wingman” to keep Raina occupied / try to win her back for him, while the Big Bass tried to take down his Girlfriend of the Minute’s daddy, once and for all . . .

Now, normally, I’d say that having your INSANELY HOT best friend babysit your ex-girlfriend for you is a TERRIBLE IDEA.  However, since I (1) DESPISE Chuck and Raina as a couple; (2) NEED Chuck to be single again for OBVIOUS reasons (*cough Chair cough*); (3) and actually don’t mind Raina and Nate as a prospective couple (more on THEM later), I say BRING IT ON!

“Pretend to be ‘in love’ with Random Guest Stars all you want.  But I saw next week’s promos.  And by this time next week, you will absolutely be chasing after ME again, Chuck Bass!”

Next up, we follow Chuck to a “Meeting” with Lily.  During this “Meeting,” Chuck tries to apologize to Lily for getting her fired from Bass Industries, last week.  Lily says she doesn’t forgive him. 

Chuck then accuses Lily of wanting to pork Russell Thorpe, despite being married to Rufus (just like she porked Rufus, back when she was married to Chuck’s dad).  Upon being more or less called a hobag by her adopted son, Lily bitchslaps Chuck.  It’s kind of awesome.

Serves you right for putting me through all this Raina Sh*t, lately!

Then, the camera pans back to THIS image.  And I am suddenly starting to wonder whether I am watching a really bad sitcom . . .

OMG!  Thorpe heard everything from behind his carefully placed newspaper!  – [Insert laughtrack here]

We then, of course, cut to this scene, which illustrates that the scene before it was a TOTAL act by Chuck and Lily, put on entirely for Thorpe’s benefit . . .

Chuck’s ridiculous facial expression here = the REASON screencaps were invented

Apparently, the grand plan is for Lily to go out on a Secret Date with Russell and pretend to want his hot bod . . .

Meanwhile, Chuck will use the key cards he got from Nate’s dad last week, to break into Russell’s office, and find evidence that will ultimately save his company from inevitable destruction. 

(How convenient that Mr. Big Real Estate Tycoon’s office is never locked or guarded.  I also like how underling employees / Ex-Cons with Known Drug Problems, like Nate’s dad, are, not only given keys to the CEO’s office, but also, apparently, the personal passwords to his laptop computer, and all Secret Files included therein.  Donald Trump to Russell Thorpe:  “YOU’RE FIRED . .  . Moron!”)

“Oh look, there’s a file on here named: The Key to Chuck Bass Saving His Company.  I wonder if it’s relevant.”

Earlier, I stated that the part of the episode where Blair asked Dan for help was the funniest moment in the hour.  I lied.  It was the second funniest.  The FUNNIEST moment was when we got a look at Russell Thorpe’s e-mail and saw THIS . . .

COME ON, Gossip Girl!  This Russell guy is planning a Super Secret, Possibly Illegal corporate takeover, and his ENTIRE inbox is filled with e-mails that are OBVIOUSLY related to said takeover.  That’s just not realistic!  I mean, at least throw some PORN in there, or something . . .

This dude is CLEARLY into some kinky sh*t!

In addition to lots of e-mails with his last name conveniently included in the subject line (and no porn), Chuck also finds THIS letter . . .

Apparently, Russell has been bargaining with “Mr. Kidd,” regarding the destruction of Bass Industries.  Chuck figures out that Russell is just doing all this to get back at the Dead Bart Bass for boinking Lily, when HE wanted to bone her himself. (Yeah, because THAT’S a solid reason for a business decision!  Between this, and his company’s lax security measures, I honestly don’t know how Thorpe makes any money at all!). 

Since Bass Industries is worth more “alive” than “dead,” Chuck assumes that “Mr. Kidd” might be interested in this type of information.  And, so, Chuck arranges to meet the man, awkwardly enough, at his stepbrother’s 18th Birthday Party.  (Can you say CREEPY?)  But before this meeting can happen, we have to endure this awkward and, let’s face it, ENTIRELY POINTLESS, scene, in which Rufus pretends to be MAD at Thorpe for stealing his honey bunny, Lily, away from him . . .

“Don’t even THINK about becoming van der Woodsen Husband Number 6, or I will CUT YOU!”

After this uselessness, Chuck finally gets to meet with Kidd, who, realizing Thorpe has been dishonest with him, agrees to hear Chuck out, and possibly cut some sort of a deal with him regarding Bass Industries . . .

“Hey, now that we’ve decided the fate of my company, what do you say we go out to the limo and have a three way slap around some Pinatas?  I hear Lily’s so loaded that she put $100 bills inside, instead of candy.”

Meanwhile, over in the “D” storyline of this evening, Nate is keeping Raina busy, by inviting her to do things that she has never done before.  Such “new and unusual” things, apparently, include WALKING . . .

“Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot .  . . I think I got it!  Gosh, when I was with Chuck I spent all my time f*&king LAYING DOWN!  This is so EXCITING!” 

 . . . ice skating, getting cider spilled down her pants, ugly robe wearing, weed smoking . . .

. . . eating (gasp) ICE CREAM that wasn’t even personally prepared by pastry chefs .  . .

 . . . and, of course, playing Wii . . .

In fact, Raina enjoys all this “Poor Person Stuff” so much, that she decides to kick Chuck to the curb for good, in favor of the Nate-ster!

Raina is TOTALLY done with “Business in Bed!”  She’d much prefer Sex on Soiled Couch with Nate to the tune of Ke$ha’s Tik Tok!  (Judging by how UNSEXY her and Chuck’s sex scenes actually were, I can’t say I blame her. . . )

Of course, despite his earlier saying their relationship was “sacred,” news of Raina’s breakup via phone barely phases Chuck.  In fact, his NON-reaction to this, is the first genuine thing we’ve seen his character do in about three episodes.  What can I say?  The heart wants what it wants.  And, deep down, Chuck Bass’s heart knows that it wants THIS .   . .

Oh, did I mention that Vanessa is back?  (BOO!)  Or that she is trying to return to her so-called rightful place in Dan Humphrey’s boxer shorts, despite almost killing his once-girlfriend / possible soulmate?

Don’t care?  Neither does DAN!  In fact, he TOTALLY blows Vanessa off, which is SPECTACULAR!  Who knew Humpty Dumpty could be so Righteously Bad Ass?  It’s about DAMN TIME!

In other news .   . .

Mo Money, Mo Problems . . .

Meanwhile, Sad Birthday Boy, Eric has NO COKE TULIPS, and now owes Damien $100 grand!  Though I DID feel bad for Eric (I’m not ENTIRELY heartless, after all) I’ll admit, I snorted, when Damien came to the party for the cash, and Eric wrote him a check for the full sum from his “Rhodes Trust Fund,” like it was no big deal . . .

Gotta love the Obnoxiously Rich!

Even better,was when Lily walked in on the exchange, learned that it was being done to save HER ass from incarceration, and wrote the check herself . . . get this . . . from her PERSONAL CHECKING ACCOUNT.  Now, that’s just bad money management!  Way to earn interest on your “G’s,” Lily!

After Drug Dealing Damien leaves the party, Boring Ben (who, this WHOLE TIME, has been telling Serena that she and Eric shouldn’t stick up for their mother, because she deserves to go to jail for doing what she did to him), surprises everyone by shaking down Damien for Lily’s check . . .

Ben does this, by basically threatening to hire some of his prison buddies to KILL Damien (quite possibly the same guys that he hired to BEAT UP NATE’S DAD, back when he was in the slammer).  After peeing and pooping in his pants, Drug Dealing Damien hands a Significantly-Less-Boring-Now-Ben the check, and scampers away. 

(Honestly, I can’t decide whether this scene makes Ben even creepier than he was before, or just more awesome).

Of course, as luck would have it,Vanessa is watching this exchange.  And, even though (1) it’s a crowded city street; (2) she is standing about a half-a-mile AWAY; and (3) the guys are talking in hushed tones, she conveniently hears THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION .  . .

UGHHHHH! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST GO AWAY, AND STAY AWAY FOR ONCE?!

Later, Vanessa tries to call Serena (who, I remind you, she almost got KILLED) to warn her that her boyfriend is quite possibly a Sadistic Psycho Killer.  However, Serena is too busy porking the Sadistic Psycho Killer to notice that her phone is ringing . . . Oh well!

Toward the end of the episode, Drug Dealing Damien approaches Russell Thorpe, so that the two could take down the entire rest of the Gossip Girl cast together. 

(So, Thorpe conspires with DRUG DEALERS, now?  Who does he think he is, Lex Luthor?  Apparently, when I said earlier that this Corporate Takeover Storyline was finally over, I spoke too soon . . . Zzzzzzzzzzzz)

HELP!  Somebody Freaky Friday-ed Blair Waldorf!

Back in his Brooklyn apartment, Dan Humphrey greets a sleepy, Blair, who has ventured out of the Upper East Side (and WAY out of her comfort zone) to thank “Lonely Boy” for anonymously writing her W magazine blog entry, on her behalf.  Of course, she ended up getting fired from the job anyway.  But it was still a nice gesture!

“I lost my job.  I failed a test.  I almost got my best friend’s mother arrested.  And I’m in Brooklyn, talking about it with Dan Humphrey.  Someone must have Freaky Friday’ed me!  This can’t be my life,” gripes Blair. 

(Some fans are inclined to agree with her, on that one.)

Dan tries to comfort Blair, who’s had pretty much the WORST LUCK EVER, these past two episodes, with pizza (?)  (Does Blair even eat carbs?) and . . . SURPRISE  .  . . more old movies!  Not surprisingly, given the day they both have had, the two are asleep on the couch, within seconds of popping in the first film .  . .

(WOW!  Someone really likes pizza!  Do you think that was a large pie?)

Next week on Gossip Girl, Dan tries to escalate his friendship with Blair to the next level.  Meanwhile, Chuck, after having his head stuck up his ass for the past few episodes, FINALLY returns to true form, and works to win back the woman of his dreams.  It’s the episode ALL OF US have been waiting for:  Chair Fans versus Dair Fans!  Let’s GET READY TO RUMBLE!

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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