“See you soon! I hope not sporadically.”
Word-of-the-Day Calendars . . . Helping Dumb People pretend to be smart since 1995 . . .
Scott McCall has turned over a new leaf, this year. He no longer spends every waking moment thinking about his girlfriend, Allison.
Instead, he spends every waking moment thinking about how Allison is no longer his girlfriend.
He’s got a brand new ride . . .
Hey may or may not be able to FLY . . .
He still wakes up early to do pull-ups on that random bar in his bedroom, every morning. But now, he does it one-handed . . . WHILE READING BOOKS . . . REAL ONES!
It’s a new school year, Wolfbangers . . . and a new season . . . a time when everybody — characters, cast members, and staff writers — get to start fresh, with a clean slate and a positive can-do attitude. Together, they vow to be better than they were the year before. And some of those changes really do stick! The rest, unfortunately, are destined to be . . . wait for it . . . ephemeral.
But that’s later. Let’s focus on now . . . when everything in Beacon Hills is just perfect . . .
. . . well . . .unless you’re a deer . . . or a bird . . . or a cat . . . or that chick who tried to save Isaac’s life . . . or Isaac . . . or Boyd . . . or Erica.
Scratch that. It’s a new school year, and everything already pretty much sucks in Beacon Hill for almost everybody . . . except for the people with the really hideous toenails. Those guys are living pretty large right now . . . On with the recap, anyway!
(Special thanks to my main man, Andre, for all the kickass screencaps. His generosity and talent is DEFINITELY not ephemeral . . .)
This could get ugly . . .
It’s odd to think that Isaac got the most intense action sequences of all the main characters, this week . . . especially when you consider that he spent about three quarters of the episode either completely unconscious or seriously doped up.
Case in point . . . in the opening moments of the season, he’s nothing more than a seemingly lifeless, carved up body, being dragged along the streets. A mysterious leather-wearing teenage biker chick is doing the dragging . . . a biker chick, who just jump-started Isaac, by electrocuting his nipples. (Now, that’s not very nice!)
Girlfriend is uber petite. So, I’m thinking she’s probably some sort of supernatural something, to be able to so easily bear that load. She’s no wolf though . . . that’s for sure. Presumably, Not Wolf Girl hijacked Isaac from the folks who are currently chasing him . . . the ones that sliced his tummy into bacon strips . . .
. . . a process which somehow stole his memories. Memories, schmemories . . . I’m more worried about his ab muscles. Those grow back, right?
Anywhoo, Not Wolf Girl tosses Isaac on the back of her motorcycle, like he’s a rag doll, and rides off into the night.
Not a good time for a nap, Isaac . . .
But wait! Someone’s coming! It’s those twins who played Felicity Huffman’s kids on Desperate Housewives . . . except, now they are much buffer . . . possibly, because they stole Isaac’s ab muscles . . .
The twins run much too fast to be human, which makes them instantly formidable. Unfortunately, they don’t seem too bright to me. I mean, if you are chasing someone, who is on the back of motorcycle, with the intent of re-kidnapping them, wouldn’t it make sense to . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . ACTUALLY SLAP OR GRAB THEM OFF OF THE MOTORCYCLE?
Instead, the brothers just keep slapping the motorcycle with their hands, and occasionally keying it with their nails. It’s fun to watch. But as far as strategies go, it’s pretty lame.
We arrive inside some warehouse, where we find out, once and for all, why the
Scavo Carver kids seem so lame brained . . . it’s because they only have ONE brain, between the two of them! (Not even a Word-of-the-Day calendar can help you there.)
In what was decidedly the SECOND most disturbing scene in the entire episode (I’ll get to the first, in a bit), one twin shoves his hand into the other twins back. Somehow, doing this causes them to become this monstrous being, that, honestly, looks more ogre than wolf. (Sorry, Shrek!)
Neat trick. The jokes about this one pretty much write themselves . . . My pal Andre what happens to the boys’ poor pants, when they do this? (As we know, the brothers have already helpfully taken off their shirts, like the good little teen TV show stars they already are.) I mean, I guess they rip, along with the rest of the wardrobe. But which brother gets the luxury of keeping his own crotch?
Another thing I wondered . . . how exactly does one learn that they are capable of doing something like this? Were the two kids just sitting around, playing on their play station, when, all of the sudden, one said to the other, “Hey, wouldn’t it be neat, if I shoved my hand into the back of your spinal column and merged, bodies’ with you? Let’s try it! If you die, I’ll know not to do it so hard next time . . .”
But back to the show . . . Not Wolf Girl takes out this massive stun gun thingy, and blasts the werewolf version of Megatron out of the present, and into the future . . . i.e. a later point in the episode.
All Tatted Up . . .
In quieter news, Scott is hoping to get himself a brand new tattoo on his arm . . . of an equals sign?
(Stiles is right. He definitely should have gone with a kanima tatt! Now, that would have been awesome!)
Speaking of Stiles, he’s not too big on the whole needles thing . . . bludgeoned bloody, kanima and alpha ravaged bodies . . . NO PROBLEM . . . needle pricked Scott Arms though? EW . . . that sh*t’s gross . . .
Poor Scott. He spent all that time in the operating chair, and it turns out, his tattoo is only . . . EPHEMERAL. (You knew I was going to do it, didn’t you.)
His super wolfy skin heels right over the damn thing. It appears Scott is going to have to find another way to show he’s “over Allison” and “bad ass,” might I suggest purchasing a teen-life crisis motorcycle?
Now you see me . . .
Later that same night, Lydia and Allison are in a car headed for a double date with NOT Scott and Stiles. And because it is with NOT Scott and Stiles, it will most certainly not be an ORGY, as Lydia helpfully reminds us . . .
Speaking of things Lydia helpfully reminds us . . . erm . . . Jackson’s GONE. He went to
the TV series Arrow “live in London,” which is television series code for, “You left us in the lurch, you bastard . . . no proper Departure Plot explanation for you!
Coincidentally, Scott and Stiles are also in a car, driving home from the tatt parlor . . . and that car happens to pull up right next to Allison’s and Lydia’s at a stop light. It looks like this “double date” may end up becoming an orgy after all . . .
Or . . . maybe not . . .
Lydia and Allison can’t avoid Scott and Stiles forever though . . . Rabid Bambi’s Mom makes sure of that, by ramming herself right into Lydia’s front windshield. It’s touching the sacrifices our animal friends make for our ships . . .
Scott feels up the dead deer, and cleverly notes that it was “terrified,” moments before dying. Now, I know that’s supposed to be one of his nifty wolf powers, being able to instantly discern animal moods, by fondling their boobies. But really, I could have told you the animal was frightened, the moment I saw it FLYING INTO GLASS TOWARD ITS INEVITABLE DEATH!
Meanwhile, over at the hospital . . .
It’s SCOTT, DAMMIT! SCOTT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW! (Even though most of you thought it was Derek or Stiles.)
The writers are mad at you, Wolfbangers! For two seasons, they have tried to beat it into your brain that SCOTT IS THE HERO OF THIS SHOW . . . SCOTT IS THE HOT ONE . . . the one you are supposed to love. And yet here you (and I) am, week after week, gabbing on about “Derek this,” and “Stiles that,” and “Sterek the other thing.”
And we are all “Scott who?”
So, Teen Wolf is going to prove this character’s worth to you once and for all! Laid up in a hospital bed Not Wolf Girl is calling for an Alpha’s help. Scott’s night nurse mom, helpfully offers to snatch up Derek . . . because, honestly, what self-respecting cougar wouldn’t want to hit that?
But Not Wolf Girl shakes her head, looks directly at the camera and says, “NO, YOU BITCHES! I’M TALKING ABOUT SCOTT! SCOTT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW!”
Later Mama McCall is tending to Isaac’s bacon stripped abs, which are starting to look like garden variety abs, thanks to Isaac’s presto chango bad boo boo erasing wolf powers. (SEE! THE ABS DO GROW BACK! THANK GOODNESS!) Mama McCall is wondering how she is going to explain to her fellows Grey’s Anatomy buddies, how the guy, who, just seconds ago, had a bloody, mashed potato tummy is suddenly in perfect health.
Isaac has the answer. He looks directly at the camera and says, “NO, YOU BITCH. GET SCOTT TO HELP! SCOTT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER ON THE SHOW!”
Well, they sure schooled us . . . Speaking of school . . .
Objects in your classroom window are closer than they appear . . .
Was I the only one that thought Lydia’s bedroom boy toy was nothing more than a figment of her imagination . . . kind of like the dead guy she spent half of last season flirting and locking lips with?
Because if he IS real, then why isn’t he going to school with Lydia? And, more importantly, where the hell are Lydia’s parents?
My mom was pretty low key, when I was in high school . . . but not SO low key that she’d let me spend the morning before my first day of junior year shacking up wanna-be Justin Bieber . . .
Speaking of The Biebs, at school, Lydia notes that she doesn’t want a boyfriend, but is very interested in sex with young boys . . .
In context, it’s an acceptable comment, because “Lydia” is only 16. So, it makes perfect sense for her to have interest in 14-year old boys.
But coming from an actress who is 26 . . . I have to admit it comes off sounding a little creepy . . .
In addition to all the incoming freshman, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Hot Abs are also matriculating at Beacon Hills high this year. They walk the halls in slo mo to pop music, of course . . . because, why not?
In English class, the new teacher show’s everybody how “cool and hip,” she is, by sending the entire class a text message containing the final words from Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness.
I’m disturbed by the fact that she had all their cell phone numbers. It’s a neat idea, in the new, “media” age. But, honestly, if girlfriend REALLY wanted to fit in, she should have texted them passages from something a bit more contemporary . . . like . . . say . . Fifty Shades of Grey?
Scott and Allison make a plan to talk later in the day, before Scott is called out of the school on Important Werewolf Duty, because . . . wait for it . . . SCOTT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW . . .
Meanwhile, Stiles and Lydia discuss the recent strange behavior of the animals in Beacon Hills.
Deer are throwing themselves into cars. Itty Bitty Purse dogs are BITING LYDIA . . .
. . . cats are committing suicide, as we find out later (remember when I told you the mighty morphing twins was the second most disturbing part of the episode for me, THIS WAS THE FIRST!)
It’s like that awful M. Night Shlamalamadingdong movie with Mark Wahlberg, where the trees make everyone kill themselves . . .
Lydia refuses to believe anything weird is going on, which is why an entire flock of birds has to fly through the school window, in order to prove her wrong!
Silly Lydia! You should have listened to your purse dog! The entire cast of Angry Birds had to die because of you!
Meanwhile, back in Scottland . .
Derek Hale makes an appearance (and instantly, I forget everything they just told me about “Scott being the most important person on the show.”)
I begin to wonder about the hiring policies at the Beacon Hills Memorial Hospital, when I notice that half the staff walks around with massively untrimmed fingernails and hideously ugly bare monster feet. Now, that’s just unsanitary!
One such foot fungused person puts sleepy juice in Isaac’s IV drip . . .
Like I said, Isaac gets to spend most of this episode in a stupor . . .
Another Unhappy Feet candidate wolfs out on Scott in the elevator, just as he’s managed to escape, with a now fully healed, but also completely unconscious Isaac. And I must say, it’s not looking too good for our hero . . .
Until DEREK MAGICALLY APPEARS! HUZZAH!
I’m sorry . . . you just can’t keep trying to convince me that “Scott is the most important person on this show,” when Derek’s around being all . . . Dereky . . .
Off to the hideaway, they ride . . .
Derek’s Hideaway of Hotness
Scott, Stiles, Derek and Isaac gather at Derek’s “training pad,” to discuss what most of us already knew from watching last season finale, and this season’s trailers. (1) There’s a pack of Alphas in Beacon Hills.(2) They’ve kidnapped Boyd and Erica;
(3) They leave weird marks on prospective Alpha Pack joiners doors, prompting Derek to paint HIS red, in order to hide the evidence. (Should have gone with black, buddy. Red isn’t really your color.)
Even though Isaac’s stomach is looking as wound free and sexy as ever, Derek rips off the younger man’s shirt and covers him with plantlife to “heal him on the inside.”
Nice try, Derek. But you can’t fool us . . .
Speaking of “hidden wounds,” Scott reveals that the reason he wanted a tattoo so badly was to reward himself for pretending not to care about being broken up with Allison . . . you know, even though he spent half the episode talking about how bummed he was about being broken up with Allison . . .
So, Derek gamely offers to attack Scott’s arm with a blow torch . . . He says he’s doing this to allow Scott’s tattoo to reemerge from beneath his skin. But honestly, I think he’s just doing it so his bud will SHUT UP ABOUT ALLISON!
“OK, OK .. . I’ll stop talking about Allison. Just STOP TORCHING ME!”
Back at school . . .
Alls well that ends . . . not so hot . . .
Recent Hospital Escapee, Wolf Girl races through Beacon Hills High looking for Scott, while there she grabs hold of Lydia’s and Allison’s wrist, leaving a strange mark on them. (Some type of protection spell, perhaps?)
In hindsight, she probably should have “marked” herself. Because girlfriend ends up getting attacked by the ENTIRE ALPHA PACK, we met earlier in the episode. (I guess they are still really sore about the whole Isaac’s Abs thing. Then again, maybe they are just upset, because none of them have ever had a pedicure, or used a toe nail clipper. That would make me pretty mad.)
Interestingly enough, she manages to fight all of them off, without even using her crazy stun gun thingy . . . pretty darn impressive.
Except, then that Pretending to Be Blind Wolf Leader dude . . .
. . . with the cane has to come by and ruin everything, by murdering the most badass chica on the show (sorry Allison!), before we even got a chance to learn her name . . .
Now, that’s just bad manners . . .
Right before he does it, Pretending to be Blind Guy admits that this is all part of his MASTER PLAN to rid the world of Super Wolf Scott, by getting Hot Wolf Derek to kill him somehow . . .
“WHATCHU TALKIN ABOUT RECAPPER?”
Stiles would most definitely not approve . . .
And that was “Tattoo” in a nutshell . . . Next week on Teen Wolf, Stiles FINALLY gets some nookie, and Sassy Peter Hale returns . . .
See ya then, Wolfbangers!