Somebody That I Used To Know . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “For Whom the Bell Tolls”

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Greetings, Fangbangers!  It’s Remembrance Day over in Mystic Falls, which is convenient, considering that most of our Scooby Gang begin the episode empty-headed, clueless, and in need of some serious shots of Ginkgo-Baloba . . .

Let’s see we’ve got Stefan, who has “mysteriously” lost his memory, and suddenly finds himself under the delusion that he is the “fun brother,” who “gets the girl.”  WRONG and WRONG-ER . . .

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Matt sets up cameras all around the house, because he can’t, for the life of him, figure out why he loses time daily, and has developed a sudden fascination for ancient weapons, Russian vodka, and speaking in the voice of a cartoon super villain . . .

Elena truly believes that the best way to bring Stefan’s memory back is to remind him what a noble minded doormat he used to be, and how much his life currently sucks . . .

Bonnie very nearly succeeds in hiding her death by using the very same excuse my parents told me when I was two and my cat died, “She’s just on a really, REALLY, REALLY long vacation.”  (Then, she gets hypnotized by Jeremy’s abdominals into coming out of the closet as The Dead Chick.)

New guy, Jesse thinks there’s absolutely nothing weird about his professor instructing him to disrobe for a routine medical examination during “office hours.”  (Not that any of us are complaining . . .)

In short, 99.99% of the characters on this show are kind of dumb.

But that’s why we love them.

Let’s review, shall we?

Highway to Hell-o

Nothing says epic eternal bromance like an emo diary reading followed immediately by a massive car crash, while driving down a highway at midnight at 120 miles per hour . . .

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“Don’t worry about the car.  You can always compel yourself another one.”

I’d like to think that Damon’s decision to literally kill himself and Stefan was a slightly misguided scientific experiment based on the hypothesis that throwing his brother from a flaming automobile and banging his head into the pavement would physically snap the sense back into him . . .

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But if we’re being completely honest, I just think Damon was getting back at Stefan for referring to him as “the safe brother,” as opposed to “the fun one.”

Apparently, the elder (clearly more fun) Salvatore brother has never heard the age old saying, “kerosene and hot metal may incinerate my bones, but names will never hurt me . . .

Ultimately, the two blood-sucking-brothers walk away from their fatal car accident with nary a scratch on either of their delicately chiseled faces.  Unfortunately, Stefan remains as forgetful as ever  .  . .

Body of Evidence

Well, hello there, Steve McQueen’s abs!  We haven’t seen YOU in a few episodes . . .

I’ve never in my life been so jealous of an Oriental Rug . . .

“Well, don’t stop on my account,” demures Dead Bonnie, as she leers appreciatively at the unique bulge in her boyfriend’s pants that only seems to appear when he humps the floor mats of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  (Hey, when you’re girlfriend’s a ghost who can’t touch you, you gotta get your kicks where you can, am I right?)

Jer Bear thinks that it’s high time the World’s Laziest Poltergeist (Seriously, girl is a “Powerful Witch,” whose been dead for months, and she hasn’t moved so much as a salt shaker!) come clean to her pals about the whole “dying thing.”  Bonnie concedes that the fact that she hasn’t answered any of the three-hundred e-mails Matt has sent her does make her seem like kind of a b*tch.  It also makes Matt seem like a major loser.  Get a hobby, Man!  Maybe that freaky dude that inhabits your body sometimes can help you out in that regard.  And death would at least give her a decent excuse for being such a crap friend . . .

Plus, TVD hasn’t had a funeral since last week.  They are LONG overdue!

Hex, Lies and Videotape

I suspect that Matt always dreamed that the first time he rigged video cameras up all around his house it would be to film a hot sex tape with Rebekah . . . or Caroline . . . or Elena, or any of the other girls who have unceremoniously dumped him before he got the chance to make YouTube history . . .

Instead, he’s doing it to catch in the act the foreign dude who occasionally hijacks his face to make out with hot chicks, dig up dead bodies, and generally just have a lot more fun than Real Matt ever gets to have on this show . . .

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And the cheese stands alone . . .

I have to admit, this one surprised me.  I was totally expecting Igor Von Bad Guy or whatever Matt’s “passenger’s” name is to cut the feeds on the video cameras, so Matt would be kept in the dark about his identity for at least a few more weeks.  Instead, he cavalierly sneers at the camera, and chats with Matt, while cutting the hand they both occasionally share.  More importantly, he warns him to protect that honestly-sort-of-lame looking pocket knife with the ridiculously dull blade that Matt always seems to find on hand whenever he wakes up from a vacation in Eastern European Supervillanea . . .

“Say hello to my little hand . . .”

Hey Igor Von Bad Guy, if you really want to protect your weapon, you might want to try putting it in a safe deposit box or something.  Because hiding it with the lamebrained bartender who regularly forgets where he parked his motor vehicle in the five-car parking lot of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls is a surefire recipe for disaster . . .

Fight for your right to potty . . .

Speaking of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, that’s where Damon has taken Stefan on the next stop of his Misty Water-colored Memory Tour . . .

I guess I’d need a few of tequila shots in my system too, after I’d just been reminded about “that one time when I ate my dad,” and “those 5,462 times I ate other people.”

Since we are on the subject of nameless, faceless, human blood bags, whose hungry for some Tasty Waitress?

After slyly telling a recently-arrived Elena that he doesn’t remember her name, Stefan deftly excuses himself to follow Nameless Waitress into the restroom.  Come on, Stefan!  Hasn’t anyone told you you should poop where you eat . . . or eat where other people poop . . . or . . . well, you get the idea.

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Stefan’s Sexy Murder Monologue to the Compelled Waitress, made moments before he started chomping down on her neck like it was a piece of beef jerky reminded me of that OTHER time Stefan patiently psychoanalyzed himself before sinking his teeth into a damsel in distress.  Remember Miss Mystic Falls, ladies and gents?

Amnesia!Stefan may not remember his history right now, but he sure does seem doomed to repeat it . . .

Let’s face it.   No one really wants to meet their demise in a dingy public restroom.  And so Nameless Waitress has Damon Salvatore to thank for swooping in and preventing his little bro from finishing his Happy Meal.

The Salvatores wisely decide its time for a location change . . .

. . . and then stupidly decide to go to the cemetery, where an entire town of human blood bags just so happens to be camped out for the night . . .

It’s like bringing an obese man to Baskin Robbins, and thinking it will help him stay on his diet . . .

Thanks for the Memories, (B*tch)!

Having never exactly considered myself to be a small-town girl, I’ve always thought the majority of Mystic Falls’ “town social events” kind of lame.  I mean, Founder’s Day . . . snooze, Gone with the Wind screening . . . boring, Wickery Bridge Restoration Fundraiser . . . zzzzz.

It’s a good thing massive amounts of people always tend to die during these events, otherwise they’d be a total waste of time . . .

“Yay, senseless death!”

That said, I must admit that I could 100 percent get behind the idea of Remembrance Day . . . tying corpses hands to strings with bells on them, just in case they happen to have been mistakenly buried alive?  Staying up all night getting drunk in a cemetery, while reminiscing about the past?  AWESOME!

Unfortunately, Stefan’s on a diet.  So, he has to spend the evening locked away in a tomb with his countless dead relatives and former friends, most of whom, either he or his brother killed . . .

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While watching Damon and Stefan compare notes and rack up points for each family member they’ve eaten was amusing, a night of Amnesia Stefan sitting by himself in a tomb full of corpses would have been a lame way to spend Remembrance Day.  Fortunately, Elena pops up just in time to cocktease Amnesia!Stefan right back into Ripperdom . .  .  You go,  girl!

Things start out innocently enough. Elena takes Stefan back to Mystic Falls High School (You know that place they pretended to attend for four years, but only actually entered about once a year for those inevitably fatal Decade Dances?), where she forces him to recreate the moment when they first met by drowning in a river, and letting him save her, while systematically allowing both of her parents to die painful watery deaths bumping into her repeatedly outside the restroom.  (There were a suspicious amount of bathroom references in this episode . . .).

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Then, she takes him to the rooftop of the school, which actually has no past plot significance that I can remember, but I guess is a good a place as any to stare demurely into her formerly lovers eyes long enough for him to fall in love with her again, only so that she can inevitably rip his heart out, when she tells him (a) she’s just not that into him anymore; and (b) she’s boning his bro on a regular basis . . . AND LOVING IT.

“Look at me, pretending to be a bird.  Aren’t I adorable?”

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That revelation comes at the third stop of the Stelena Memory Lane Tour, which, not surprisingly, is the top of Wickery Bridge.  After casually explaining to Stefan how he once saved her life on Wickory Bridge, and once let her die, thereby causing her to become a vampire, Elena leans her face just a bit too closely into Stefan’s face and waits patiently to drop a bomb on his ass  . . .

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Now, Stefan may be amnesiatic, but he’s still a dude.  And dudes know a sexual overture, when they see one.  This time, he’s going to get to bite the girl, and she’s going to like it, dammit . . .

 . . . for sex . . . even though I don’t remember ever having any . . .”

Suave Stefan sweet talks his ex girlfriend a bit, telling her how her sex appeal seems to have miraculously sated his hunger . . . at least the hunger in his mouth . . .  Then, he goes in for a taste of his cure.

“I’m with Damon,” Elena warns preemptively . . .

Do not pass Go.  Do not collect $200.  Because Stefan Salvatore, you have just been DE-NIED . . . again . . .

Apparently, the fact that Stefan woke up to the sight of Damon and Elena making out, and they slept in the same bed together, wasn’t a big enough tip to Stefan that these two were boning on a regular basis.  Does having amnesia take away IQ points?

Feeling betrayed all over again by his brother and former lover, and hoodwinked by Elena’s ill-advised, poorly timed flirt fest, Amnesia!Stefan does what most of us do, when we’ve just been dumped and are feeling unattractive and unloved . . . he turns to food . . .

“Eating my feelings.”

Happy Hunting, Amnesia!Sort-of RipperStefan!

Because Caroline’s Dates Make for the Best Chew Toys!

The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else . . .

This is predominately Caroline’s reasoning, when she invites new college coed Sex G-d Jesse to “study biology and one another’s body parts” at Mystic Falls Weekly Human Murder Party, where unimportant characters are mercilessly offed to up the series’ body count Remembrance Day Festivities.

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As an added bonus, Jesse is “very close” with this season’s Creepy, But Vaguely Attractive Professor, Who is Possibly/Probably Up to No Good Alaric Saltzman . . . Professor Shane . . . Severus Snape . . . Professor Maxfield.  This means that, if Jesse is lucky enough to live past five episodes of this series, Caroline can ply the stud for important information, WHILE getting under him / over Tyler . .

Things get off to a pretty decent start, in that regard, with Caroline and Hunky Pawn sharing a chaste kiss in the forest, while quizzing one another on biology terms.

Then, comes Stefan, a.k.a Mr. Can’t Eat Just One, and things start to go to crap pretty quickly . . .

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At first Amnesia!Stefan is cordial, if a bit sexually aggressive, telling Caroline that she looks hotter in person than in her pictures.  (Notice how he immediately remembers Caroline’s name, but not Elena’s . . .interesting.)

Then, Stefan introduces Jesse to Mystic Falls by offering to treat his neck like a chicken wing.  Caroline, who has always been the group’s Miss Fix It, deftly compels her boy toy into hiding, and politely offers Stefan access to her secret blood bag stash.  But by the time she turns around to show him the way, Sir Sucks A lot is already gone . . .

Poor Jesse.  It turns out, while the college scholar is an expert at cracking biological equations, and kissing blondes, his Hide and Go Seek skills leave much to be desired.  Stefan has magically appeared and begun sucking him dry before the “special guest star” can say “Olly, olly oxen free.”

Fortunately, Caroline arrives just in time to save the day.  (For the writers to kill off a character that looks like Jesse, before fans ever get the chance to see him without his shirt would truly be a travesty of justice.)  With a chomp on her wrist, and a few carefully placed words to Stefan, Caroline manages to rescue her prospective boyfriend from death, and talk her likely future friend-with-benefits off the ledge of Ripperdom, in a matter of mere seconds.

After returning to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and burning all of his lame-ass journals (it’s about time!) . . .

. . . Stefan decides to leave the Haven of Personal Misery in favor of greener pastures.  However, he agrees to check in with Caroline regularly as his unofficial sponsor for Bloodaholics anonymous, because SHE’S the only person he now truly trusts . . .

As for Jesse, he gets to live at least long enough to probably strip for us in a future episode . . . HOORAY!

Loom Awkwardly Over Your Castmates in Peace, Bonnie Bennett . . .

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In other news, Jeremy finally delivered to the Scooby Gang the Newsflash of Bonnie’s death . . .

(In other late breaking news . . . this just in . . . Barak Obama was re-elected President of the United States!)

Responses among the group were understandably sad, and possibly a bit guilty.  Because I think most of us would like to think that if our supposed best friend croaked, it would take us less than a half a year to figure it out .  . .

When Jeremy told Damon the news, he begged his unofficial bro-in-law to take it back, under the assumption that if it was never talked about it wouldn’t be true.  (Funny, that’s kind of the logic Bonnie used for keeping this  need-to-know information from her friends in the first place.)

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Then, Jeremy and Damon emotionally hugged it out.  And I forgot how weird and awkward the beginning of the scene was, because the end was so poignantly beautiful.

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Matt’s reaction was a bit more muted, but equally devastating.  And Elena, well . . . she was just upset that she burned all her funeral clothes when she torched her house, and wouldn’t be able to “Peace Out,” Bonnie in style . . .

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Just kidding . . . Elena was inconsolable for the obvious reasons, of course.  And also because it is becoming more and more obvious that having a familial or friendship relationship with Elena Gilbert is basically the equivalent to being diagnosed with in inoperable brain tumor.  You know, eventually, you are going to go.  It’s only a matter of time . . .

We didn’t get to see the moment when Caroline found out about Bonnie’s death.  But her quiet moment of saddened reflection, coupled with amnesia Stefan’s comforting her and offering being there for her in the best way he could, despite currently having no memory at all of the deceased, was fitting for her character, who began the show as the character who required the most coddling, and has slowly but surely evolved into its emotional rock . . .

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I’ll admit I got a bit teary at Bonnie’s funeral, despite the fact that Bonnie Bennett has always been the most problematically written character on the show, and perhaps, a bit because of it . .  .

Funerals have always been more about the survivors grieving, obtaining peace, and ultimately moving on from the loss, to whatever extent possible, than about the decedents themselves.  And, in that sense, Bonnie’s funeral was oddly touching.  It was sweet and humane to see Bonnie offering through Jeremy words of encouragement to each of her surviving friends, even if the words themselves were kind of trite and mundane.  (“I wasn’t really mad at you.”  “Things will get better.”  “Have fun at college.”)  It’s the way I think most of us would like to treat our loved ones, if we got the chance to comfort them after our deaths, and vice versa.

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On the other hand, as a memorial for Bonnie’s “life,” the Bennett funeral left a bit to be desired.  Pom-poms?  A Whistle (because her and Matt were lifeguards for one episode)?, Feathers (in honor of the super lame trick Bonnie did for Elena to prove that she was a witch)? And a Spell Book?

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These were the talismans of a life lived on screen for nearly five seasons?  Couple that with the fact that not one surviving character was seen giving an emotional eulogy in Bonnie’s honor, apart from Jeremy himself (and even he needed Bonnie’s help to get out the words), and you’ve got yourself a pretty sorry goodbye party for a character that’s kind of already been forgotten, and yet isn’t entirely gone . . .

Compare this to one of the most beautiful, touching, heart-wrenching, aptly-tributary-to-the-life-of-the-character, not-quite-funerals in TVD history, and you’ll see a clear difference . . .

Heck, even ne’er-do-well, Worst-Dad-Ever, Uncle Father John got a better send off than Bonnie!

And then there was the part where everyone kind of ditched the funeral to celebrate Tyler finally coming back.

Life goes on, indeed.  Nice knowing ya, Bon-Bon!

Because that’s what this show needs . . . MORE vampires . . .

If Caroline’s romantic reunion with Tyler had you worried that boy toy Jesse wouldn’t be long for this world,  you were both right and wrong . . .

We find him on his Professor’s examination table in the final scene of the hour, almost, but not quite, shirtless . . . we’re getting closer . . .

It turns out, Jesse’s having “blacked out” the night before has him concerned about his health.  Having quickly surmised that Jesse had vampire blood in his system, Professor Severus Snape Maxfield instructs Jesse not to worry about his health.  He’ll be just fine! . . . Annnnnd then he kills him.

You gotta love college . . .

Next week on TVD, the gang remembers that pesky Silas problem they’ve been dealing with the past few episodes . . .

Until then, Fangbangers!

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Apocalypse Eventually? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Because the Night”

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Greetings, Fangbangers!  And welcome to the End of the World!

The Heroes have failed.  The Bad Guys have won.  And the Apocalypse is imminent.

Now, there’s nothing left to do, but wait until the Gates to the Other Side open, and Evil swallows us whole . . .

Still waiting .  . .

Any minute now .  . .

It’s coming .  . .really . . . I promise . . .

*whistles uncomfortably*

Did I say the Apocalypse was NOW?  I meant NEXT WEEK!

This week on The Vampire Diaries, Silas WINS . . .

Elena gets a haircut. . .

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And an ill timed commercial break deprives us of Rooftop Sex . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[This weeks screencaps are brought to you by screencapped.net.]

Bloody Big Apple

It’s 1977 in New York City.  Disco isn’t dead yet.  Bell bottoms are still cool.  And there’s a Dead Guy lying in the street.

Or is there?

*slurp, slurp . . .*

That’s right, boys and girls.  Different decade.  Same old vampire tricks . . .

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And yet, with generous amounts of guyliner, and a couple clever pop culture references (Son of Giusseppe, anyone?), Damon Salvatore manages to make what could have been a tired scene seem somehow fresh . . . not to mention way funnier than a double homicide has any right to be.  Because, he’s just cool like that.

Also, kudos to the music department for getting the rights to Talking Heads “Psycho Killer.”  When it comes to matching a song to a scene, it really doesn’t get much more perfect than this . . .

Of course, my favorite TVD Musical Moment will ALWAYS remain Damon’s dance with Vicki in Season 1 to Depeche Mode’s “Enjoy the Silence.”

But this one came a close second.  What’s YOUR favorite TVD Musical Moment?

A Silas Hunting We Will Go

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When Stefan finds out Silas has been skulking around Mystic Falls, and draining the hospital blood supply, he immediately calls his ex-boyfriend Klaus for help.

This, of course, totally pisses off Stefan’s New Girl Friday, Caroline.

Did I say pisses her off, I mean secretly thrills her in a Sexual Way . . .

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Such is the curse of the Good Girl, who longs for the Bad Boy, but hates herself for it . . .

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And when it comes to Bad Boys, Klaus pretty much takes the cake, in Caroline’s life.  After all, this IS the guy who killed her boyfriend’s mother and her best friend’s Useless Aunt, banished her boyfriend to the Great Beyond, and was responsible for almost poisoning Caroline, herself, to death with werewolf venom . . . twice.

But he draws her ponies, and triangles on a map.  And he buys her expensive things.  (DREAMY!)

Did I mention he has an accent?

That’s right, Klaroline fans.  Though, when it comes to snagging Caroline, up to this point, Klaus has had about as much game, as Charlie Brown on a football field .  . .

. . . he definitely made some headway into her heart, this week . .  .

from the group geometry lesson .  . . to the Walk in the Woods . . .

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. . . to the come hither stares the pair were giving one another throughout the episode .  . .

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Something is definitely brewing here, Sports Fans.  And then Klaus did the one thing that is sure to send Caroline zooming right into his Dr. Evil Underoos . .  .

He REJECTED HER!

“As IF!”

But I’m getting ahead of myself, here.  For now, all you need to know is that our Blonde Vampire Trio has located Silas Bushyhead, by finding on a map, the two places where he is most likely to perform his next massacre . . .

The plot . . . it’s thickening . . .

A New York Sh*tty Flashback

This one time .  . . at Band Camp . . . I turned off my humanity, and started eating everyone in New York . . .

So begins, Damon’s Bedtime Story to Elena.

And of course, every Bedtime Story has to have a Fairy Godmother . . .

Good ole, Lexie!  Talk about a Girl with Bad Boy Complex.  This reoccurring vampiress never met a Humanity Free Salvatore she didn’t want to fix.

But while “therapy” for Stefan involved tying him to a chair for months on end, and draining him dry, her methods of curing Damon were a bit more . . . unorthodox.

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Honestly, who could blame Damon for not wanting to restart that pesky humanity switch?  From the sexy neck shares, to the long nights spent drinking and dancing, this flashback read more like The Perks of Being a Vampire II: Electric Boogaloo than any sort of cautionary tale against bad vamp behavior!

And when Damon started fixing those Puppy Dog Eye Things in Lexie’s direction, and stroking her ego (among other lady parts), by claiming his love for her CURED HIM OF EVIL, I knew instantly he was full of crap.  (Even the most casual TVD fan knows that Damon Salvatore was a one-woman vamp for about 145 years, and that woman was sure as hell NOT LEXIE.)

But still, like the Most Gullible Vampire Ever, I found myself eagerly awaiting the start of some good, old fashioned humanity free Damon Sex .  . .

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And then those bastards cut to commercial!

Oh the humanity!

Seriously, since when did the CW become PBS!  They skipped over the night, and went straight to MORNING?!  COME ON!  Even ABC Family gives us Naked Foreplay!

Anywhoo, I guess it isn’t supposed to matter, because the whole Seduction Thing was all just a scheme on Damon’s part to get Lexie locked up on the roof, without her sunscreen ring, so he could ditch her self-righteous ass.

But still . . . a little skin would have been nice . . . just sayin’

Feeding Family Style

Back in the present day, Damon’s gabbing on the phone with Stefan, who’s back in Mystic Falls, while Elena is busy getting the FASTEST Hair Color / Cut EVER.  (Maybe the hairdresser is a vampire too?)

STEFAN: “Previously, on The Vampire Diaries . . .”

DAMON: “Seriously, isn’t this supposed to be Elena’s job?  I don’t want to have to listen to this.  What, just because she has her humanity turned off, she gets a free pass on in-script recapping?  I’m contacting SAG!”

I like Elena’s new look . . . I do.  And in general, I enjoyed Nina Dobrev’s new take on humanity-free Elena this week.  She just seemed less robotic, and more mischievous . . . She seemed like she was actually having a good time being bad, for a change.

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My one gripe?  This Elena seems a lot less like Humanity Free Elena, and more like . . . Regular Katherine, even down to the bigger hair, and more stylish clothes.  I have a feeling that this is going to make next week, when the two start sharing the screen again VERY CONFUSING.

But I digress, it turns out that Damon has some ulterior motives for his little Humanity Vacation Road Trip.  You guys remember Will from last week?

Well, apparently, he was well known in New York City vampire circles as a Fake ID maker . . . or rather, a Real ID taker, who gave dead people’s ID’s to vampires on the run . . . And I bet you will never guess who Will’s favorite client was . . .

Ding! Ding! Ding!  Katherine Petrova, that’s right!

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So, Damon’s Master Plan is to hunt down Katherine, swipe The Cure from her fingertips, and shove it down Elena’s throat, along with her morning Blood Breakfast.  Sounds easy, right?

The only problem is that Elena’s on to his little scheme, and has some plans of her own for The Cure .  . . plans that involve it being given to her Brand New Bestie, instead . . . Rebekah.

Woah!  Who ever thought that these two sworn enemies would end up partying together, and drinking from the same neck . . . literally?

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Apparently, Damon’s little pep talk to Rebekah, last week, about humans being boring, failed to convince the Original She-Vamp that her future shouldn’t be paved with mortality, and a bevy of Klaus Barbie Babies . . .

Now, I know this makes me a total traitor, but I kind of like the idea of a Human Rebekah.  She wants it more than anyone else.  Why shouldn’t she get it?

And while I’m still quite positive that this storyline is going to end with the cure inadvertently being shoved down Damon’s throat, I have to admit that I’m with Team Elenbekah on this one . . .

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So, to review, Damon is playing Elena.  Elena is playing Damon.  And Rebekah is definitely NOT playing with This Guy . . .

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Now, that we know the Teams, we can start keeping score!

Damon, thanks to Stefan’s uncanny ability to remember all his ex-girlfriend’s birthdays, finds a paper in Will’s apartment, listing all of Katherine’s known addresses.  (Score 1 for Damon).

Then, Elena seductively brings him on the roof, for what Damon thinks will be some Lexie-inspired nookie, but is actually a game of Back-Pocket snatch and grab (Score 1 for Elena, Score -25 for Delena fans hoping for a little rooftop action from their favorite lovebirds).

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But Damon catches on to Elena’s scheme, and pries the paper back from her greedy little hands.  (Score 2 for Damon, 1 for Elena).

Then, Rebekah pops up, seemingly out of nowhere, and breaks Damon’s neck!!  (Score 69 for Rebekah, Score 2 for Elena, and Score -25 for the temporarily dead Damon).

In the final round, Rebekah, and Elena head off in Damon’s car, with his precious address list, while Damon naps off his death on the rooftop of that seedy New York bar.

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(Score 169 for Rebekah and Elena, Score -125 for Snoozing Damon, and Score 1,025 for Lexie, who, somewhere up in Vampire Purgatory, just got the best Poetic Justice of her unnaturally long life . . .)

Talk about Vampire Girl Power!

Binge and Purge – Wiccan Style

“Hey, I just met you.  And now you’re crazy . . .”

“So I’ll call all my witch friends .  . .”

“And kill you, maybe?”

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Silas Bushyhead is still Svengali-ing Bonnie into murdering 12 people, who P.S., just so happen to have to be witches.

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Way to not support the Sisterhood of the Traveling Nosebleeds, BonBon!

Silas Bushyhead’s plan really sets into motion, when Bonnie goes all Stephen King’s Carrie on the windows in her dad’s house.

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So dad does what any rational father would do in this situation . . . sends his daughter off in the woods to meet with his vampire ex-wife’s crazy witch friend, and her 11 teen minions?

Is Ridiculously Bad Parenting contagious?  Because it definitely seems like an epidemic in Mystic Falls.

As much as I abhor me some Bonnie, even I have to admit the Witch Exorcism scene was pretty nifty, with Bonnie adding white eyeballs to her usual repertoire of Bleeding from the Nose and Whining . . .

Then, Stefan . . . bless his heart, pops on the scene, and says, “WAIT!  Stop the exorcism, Bonnie’s working for SILAS!”

To which, The Witch, replies . . . “Eh, no biggie!  We’ll just kill Bonnie.  We were half way there, anyway . . .”

(Sounds like a plan to me!)

Of course, Stefan’s lame attempt at rescue ended up playing right into Bushyhead’s plans.  Because, minutes later, Caroline KILLS the head witch . . .

.  .  . and all the others immediately fall dead, domino-style (which was also pretty unintentionally hilarious to watch).

And so, the Apocalypse has finally come to Mystic Falls . . .maybe.

Klaus, who earlier in the day gave Caroline a geometry lesson about equilateral Expression Triangles, now gives her another one, about how killing TWELVE witches, and OPENING THE GATES OF HELL, to save one REALLY annoying one, isn’t exactly a fair trade in the scheme of Good versus Evil.

Caroline is SAD.  Caroline is VULNERABLE.  Caroline wants comfort.  In other words, Klaus is SO IN . . .

. . . which is probably why he rejects her ass . . .

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Congratulations Charlie Brown Klaus.  It looks like you finally got that football, away from Lucy, after all!

P.S. It turns out Bonnie has amnesia about her entire Bring It On: Apocalypse Mini Series.

This means, she has to learn about JerBear’s death ALL OVER AGAIN.  Might I suggest waiting until Season 4 of TVD comes out on Blue Ray . . .

Bushwack . . . ing off?

Then Bushyhead Silas has to come and totally harsh Klaus’ buzz, by rubbing it in about the whole Apocalypse Thing, and staking his ass . . .

BASTARD!

Next week on TVD . . . did I hear someone say, Doppelganger Hijinx?

Oh, and what the heck is up with Dog-on-a-Leash Klaus, and . . . is that Silas!Caroline?

Color me intrigued . . . until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

A Whole Lotta’ Naked Going On – A Recap of True Blood’s “You Smell Like Dinner”

“Hey!  I know you!  Aren’t you that chick from the Harry Potter movies?”

“Woah . . . on second thought, maybe not.”

Happy July 4th, Fangbangers!  You know, i think it’s actually rather fitting that this particular episode of True Blood aired on the Eve of our nation’s birth.  After all, it featured, among other things, a political revolution . . .

Coincidentally, this is also what Vampire Bill looks like, when he loses at Paintball.

. . . a “family barbecue” . . .

“If this is dinner, I can’t WAIT for dessert!”

 . . . lots of drinking . . .

 . . . bonfires . . .

 . . . fireworks . . .

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. . . and enough Hot Naked Man Meat to fill a nude beach!

So, pop open a beer, break out the sparklers, and throw some steak on the barbecue, because it’s time to get all hot and bothered with your favorite spunky waitress, and her smoking hot vampire pals . . .

Jason Stackhouse is NOT a Lollipop!

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When we last left the World’s Most Adorable Policeman, Jason Stackhouse, he was chilling in a cooler, thanks to his trailer trash budies in Hotshot.  He wakes up open-shirted, tied to a bedpost, and with the strange sensation that someone’s tongue is on his skin.

“Woohoo!  Sounds like SOMEONE had a great night!”

Then, he turns to his side, and realizes that the person doing the licking is this creepy teenage boy named Timbo.

You can definitely tell how much growing up Jason has done, since last season.  The old Jason and most rational human beings would have totally freaked out at the prospect of a boy with questionable hygiene slobbering his saliva all over his bloody forehead.  But New and Mature Jason seems to take his situation in stride.  “It’s not that I don’t appreciate the licking.  I’m just more of a bandaid kind of guy,” Jason explains calmly.

Of course, there are some things you just can’t bandaid.

Here are these two creepy kids that knocked our Jason unconscious, tied him to a bedpost, and started drooling all over them.  And Jason is just calmly chatting with them, much like a mild-mannered dad would talk to a kid who just spilled milk on the countertop.  I don’t know whether to hug him, lick him, or slap him in the face for being so blase about his own safety.

Yet, ultimately, Jason seemed to have the right idea.  He sensed his captors’ reluctance over holding him prisoner. And, by sweetly telling the inbred how much he loved and cared about him, Jason eventually got Timbo to agree to loosen his makeshift handcuffs.

Enter Batsh*t Crazy Felton and his shotgun!

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Sweet naive dumb Jason immediately starts worrying about his trailer trash girlfriend, Crystal, who he supposedly stole from this Dipsh%t, last season. 

I never saw what all the fuss was about with her . . .

Oddly enough, it’s Felton that sets him straight.  Just as Jason calmly tried to explain to the Hotshot teens that tying people up and licking them against their will is “not a very polite thing to do,” Felton explains to Jason that when you are tied to a bedpost, and have a fully-loaded shot gun up your nose, it isn’t exactly the time to be thinking about sex.  Who says you can’t learn anything from watching True Blood? 

Man, this Felton guy seems to be a bit smarter than we once thought.  So, when Felton tells Jason that he is about to be f*&ked . . .  well . . .

Creepy Crystal makes her appearance later, and SURPRISE, she’s in on the whole thing.  Yeah, I wasn’t that surprised either.  She leans over Jason’s bed and coos in his ear that this is the only way the two of them are going to “be together forever.”  And suddenly, I’m wondering whether I accidentally switched over to one of those Lifetime movies . . .

“Together forever?  So, you’re a vampire now, too?”

Then Andy comes to town.  And there is hope in our hearts that he will save the day, and his partner from a life of inbred idiocy.

“MY HERO!”

 But nope.  He’s just there to pick up his next fix of vampire blood investigate V-dealing in Hotshot.  Crystal stuffs some gauze into Jason’s mouth, so he won’t scream.  I can think of worse things she could have put in there.  Meanwhile “Criminal Mastermind” Felton instructs some geezer to hand over the V to Andy, so that he leaves Hotshot, without conducting any further “investigation.”

 With Andy out of the picture, the time has come for Crystal and Felton to reveal their TRUE intentions for kidnapping Jason.  “We are going to make a baby,” Felton explains, as he starts unbuttoning his pants.

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(Hmmm . . . yeah . . . I’m thinking that’s not scientifically possible, Felton.  You get an A for effort, though!)  As it turns out, it’s Crystal who’s going to be boinking our boy Jason to make a baby.  Apparently, the only real bullets coming out of Felton are the ones in his shotgun.  So, if Crystal wants a werepanther kid, she’s going to have to screw another werepanther.  Rather, than choose any of the other 150 brothers and male cousins she’s humped in the past, Crystal opts instead to “put a little Stackhouse in her.”

Can you blame her?

But wait . . . you might be thinking to yourself  . . .  Jason isn’t a werepanther?  Well, that’s when things get REALLY beastly, folks.  Poor Jason, the final scene of his story makes getting licked by Timbo seem like a Naked Picnic in the Park . . .

Remember when the only thing Jason had to worry about, was whether his girlfriend would kill his gay vampire friend for V?  Those were the days . . .

Both Crystal and Felton immediately morph into werepanthers, and start RAVAGING Jason Stackhouse’s half-naked body WITH THEIR MOUTHS!

Meanwhile, back at Sookie’s House . . .

Eric Psychoanalyzes Sookie, Panties Fall Across the Land

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When we last left our FAVORITE TB couple to be, Eric was clutching Sookie’s bathrobe, and our girly parts her heart strings, when he said those three words every woman wants to hear . . . but only if someone who looks like Alexander Skarsgard is saying them: “You . . .  are . . . mine.”

If anyone out there was still doubting Sookie’s and Eric’s capacity for Smoking Hot Coupledom, this scene should have bit the naysayers in the neck, once and for all.  The snarky, witty, and sexy banter shared by these two is unmatched by any other two characters on this show (with the exception, perhaps, of Vampire Pam, and . . . well . . . anybody). 

Each line was more titillatingly clever than the next.  Each passionately frustrated look the pair shared pushed them ever closer to ripping one another’s clothing off, and getting down and dirty, right on the staircase of Sookie’s recently-renovated home.

Speaking of the staircase, that’s where we begin our episode.  Sookie is rushing down the stairs away from her lover pursuer.  Note to Sookie:  Never attempt a foot race with a vampire.  You will ALWAYS lose.  Of course, when you are with Vampire Eric, even “losing” is winning, in a way. 😉

Within seconds, Eric is in front of her once again.  “That is no way to treat your landlord,” Eric snarks.

THIS is how you treat your landlord.

“What do you want from me?”  Sookie whines. 

“Everything,” replies Eric calmly (Coming from the guy who was able to bone Yvetta for six hours straight, without tiring, I’d say that’s a pretty fair trade.)

Sookie then explains to Eric that, when he purchased her house, SHE didn’t come with it.  “Then, I seriously overpaid,” replies Eric.  (Hmmm . . . I wonder if Eric had his attorney include “Sookie” in the Real Estate Contract, as a pre-condition for purchasing the home.)

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Thus begin our Sookie Psychoanalysis Session.  Though not technically related to Sookie’s inner Id, Eric begins the discussion with a long erotic description of what Sookie smells like.  “Your blood is like sunshine in a pretty blonde bottle . . . That is what vampires smell, when they smell you.”

I’ve got sunshine .  . . on a cloudy day  . . . when it’s cold outside, I’ve got the month of May.  I . . . guess . . . you . . . say . . . what can make me feel this way .  . .  SOOKEH!

Eric than offers Sookie the best sex of her life protection from the Evil Sunshine Sniffing Vampires of Bon Temps.  “I bought this house, because I care about you,” he explains.

“I’m just asking you to consider my offer.”  (Oh!  COME ON, SOOKIE!  Consider his offer, dammit!)

Eric’s psychoanalysis kicks into full gear, when he asks Sookie to recall the time that Vampire Beeeeel first announced that she was his.  “How did it make you feel?”  Eric inquires, in his best impression of a REALLY hot version of Dr. Phil.

“It made me feel nauseous angry,” explains Sookie.

“But it also made you feel safe.”  Eric replies. 

It is at this point in the scene that Eric launches into his surprisingly deep analysis of “The Two Sookies.”

Sookie #1

Sookie #2

Listen to Eric explain the difference between the Two Sookie’s was like listening to an interview with Alan Ball, if Alan Ball was a studly Viking Vamp you desperately wanted to screw, in which he explained the driving motivations behind a sometimes-VERY confusing character.  Suddenly, Sookie makes sense to me! 

Thank you, Eric Northman!  Now, let’s go have sex.

According to Eric, there is one part of Sookie that is desperate to live out a normal boring human existence, as a waitress in Bon Temps, and another, supernatural, mind-reading, vampire-loving, ass-kicking, fairy Sookie who wants to be Eric’s sex slave wants more from her life.  I suspect this assessment of Sookie is correct, and explains why she sometimes seems to shun the very supernatural existence in which she regularly gets herself embroiled. 

But enough of that Psychological Mumbo Jumbo, let’s get back to the FLIRTING!  Sookie wants to know if Eric thinks her legs will just magically open for him, just because he wants them to do so.

They sure seem open to me.

“Well, that was saucy!” Eric exclaims, as the dirty pictures of an open-legged Sookie begin invading his brain at full force.

Daddy like!

Whereas Vampire Bill always seemed put off by, and frustrated by Sookie’s “un-ladylike” potty-mouthed back talk, Vampire Eric is intrigued and impressed by Sookie’s sharp wit, and take-no-prisoners attitude.  In fact, he encourages it, as he believes that it is Sookie’s mental toughness that will ultimately keep him save when he cannot do so. 

In other words, TEAM ERIC, FTW!

Why Can’t You Pay My Beeeeeel?

Speaking of “He Who Does Not Belong with Sookie,” Sookie rushes to a now fancy-schmancy King Bill’s house only to be accosted by a Creepy Gun Toting Security Detail.  Not yet aware that Bill has been made King of Louisiana, Sookie is clearly taken aback by this rude interruption of her attempt to Cry to Daddy that Eric was Mean to Her.  (I thought she didn’t trust him anymore?  Hmmm.)

When one of the Men in Black informs Bill that his former play thing is on the premises, His Majesty allows little Sookie to pass onto his property.   “Yeah . . . y’all stand down!”  Sookie explains, as she stomps off to Bill’s.  (Sometimes Sookie bugs me, but I ADORED her this week.  Anybody else feel the same way?)

When Sookie arrives at Bill’s house, he is conveniently finishing up his “Kingly Duties” of Boning that Sophie Anne – lookalike  / Witch Spy from last week. 

“Dude!  Stop calling me Sookeh!  It’s really rude!”

The stench of sex is fresh in the air, as an all fanged up “Katerina,” who is part of his “security”  (What exactly is she securing, his weiner?), exits the premises.  Man, what a douche Bill has always been become.  Could you imagine screwing a guy, and promptly being told to leave so that the REAL object of his affections can have her turn?  And what about Sookie?  I mean, I understand, Bill wants to show his ex what she’s “missing,” but really, that was just gross.

BEEEEEEEEEL (you ought to be ashamed of yourself)!

Anywhoo . . . Sookie’s all pouty-lipped and baby faced, when she asks Bill for help with the whole “Eric Situation.”  She really knows how to work this guy.  Unfortunately, Bill claims that there is nothing he can do about Sookie’s little “situation.”  Thankfully Unfortunately, Eric has some “friends in high places,” so Bill’s hands are tied.

Nice buddy!  Way to rub it in!

Bill “helpfully” suggests that Sookie crash at another human’s house, while everything gets sorted out.  However, Sookie, who’s way smarter than Bill, knows that this will immediately result in Eric’s buying that house too.

Now, I own your friends too!  I smell an orgy!

Before sarcastically bidding “his Excellency” goodbye, Sookie inquires of her former beau how he ended up becoming King.  At this point, fans are sitting at the edge of their seat, unless, of course, they already watched the episode last week on HBO GO they want to know how Bill became King too.  But, alas, Sookie was just teasing us.  “Nevermind,” she tells Bill disgustedly.  “Every time I learn something about you I end up wishing I didn’t know it.”

But WAIT!  Bill is staring at the floor, DEEPLY and INTENSELY!  I sense a FLASHBACK!

It’s 1982, do you know where your Beeeel is?

We see Vampire Bill dressed in a ridiculous Billy Idol costume, and we briefly wonder if it’s Halloween.   But no.  Bill is actually a punk rocker, looking for a “taste.”  He hits on a bartender for a bit.  And the two of them head outside for a “drink.” 

Now, Bill is making Bartender’s neck into his own personal chew toy.  Bartender is terrified, and screaming out in pain.  But, lest you think our Vampire Bill is an insensitive Punk Rocker, he promptly heals the bites, with his own blood, and glamours the Bartender to forget what happened.  Heck, Vampire Bill even has time to give the dude with “F*&ker” written on the back of his vest some helpful nutritional advice.  “Take Vitamin D and iron supplements,” he instructs him kindly.

Weirdest back alley makeout session, EVER!

Out of the shadows emerges a familiar face . . .

It’s NAN!  Apparently, before the days when the head of the Vampire League had the Men in Black doing all her dirty work, she was forced to make house calls at seedy night clubs.  She’s been following Punk Rocker Bill around for a while.  Nan is impressed with Bill’s self-control.  He eats like a Super Model: never finishing a meal, and never leaving over as much as a crumb of evidence.

She wants him to join her little vampire club.  They plan to start a new era of vampires who live happily among humans.  To do that, she apparently needs a group of Billy Idol wannabes to infiltrate the government, with their excessive hair gel and nose rings.  Bill seems to be precisely the man for the job!  Umm .  . . yay?

Long Live the Queen . . .  well . . . maybe not

“Hey, what the heck is this?  I was supposed to stick around until Season 7!  I want my money back.”

Flash forward to sort-of present day.  Queen Sophie Anne and Bill are preparing to battle one another.  Their fangs are bared.  They are each wearing their best Evil Vampire Faces.  Then Bill, pussies out, and brings in the goon squad.

This isn’t about honor.   It’s about revenge.  You see, Bill blames Sophie Anne for what happened between him and Sookie . . . even though, let’s face it, if it weren’t for Sophie Anne, Bill would have never MET Sookie, in the first place.  Talk about an ingrate! 

Enter Big Bad Vampire Nan.  As it turns out, she had a reason to want Queen Sophie Anne dead too.  Sophie Anne was dealing V behind the Vampire League’s back.  And NO ONE crosses the Vampire League, and lives to tell the tale.

BILL:  “I am so turned on by you right now.”

NAN:  “Thanks, but no thanks . . . I don’t do dead guys.”

Recognizing that Bill’s murder of Sophie Anne was more than just business, Nan asks Bill what it is about Sookie that makes every supernatural creature in Bon Temps fall all over themselves trying to get into her pants.  Bill tells Nan that, as it turns out, there is nothing special about Sookie at all . . .

After Bill’s nose grows tree-sized, a la Pinocchio, Nan warns him that if he lies to her, he will end up just like Sophie Anne.  Ooh from your lips to Alan Ball’s ears, Nan!  Nan then pays Bill for his loyal service to the American Vampire League by dubbing him King of Louisiana.  “Now, go clean yourself up . . .” instructs Nan, making a hot shower Bill’s first kingly duty.  “You are covered in Queen.”

Now, that was just in bad taste!

Speaking of getting bloody . . .

Devil Baby 2 , Arlene 0

I’ve gotta say.  This is the most adorable Evil Spawn I have ever seen!

Over at Merlotte’s, Sookie is introduced to Devil Baby Mikey for the first time.  She coos and coddles him appropriately, telling the proud parents . . . well . . . one of them is proud at least . . . that Mikey is the cutest little baby she has ever seen. 

“How are you so attractive AND related to Arlene?”

Sookie unintentionally freaks out Arlene by implying that the baby is an “Old Soul,” and that she can read the baby’s mind.  Arlene starts screaming at Sookie for no reason, protesting that she loves her Devil Baby, no matter what her thoughts might be saying to the contrary.  After Sookie leaves, Arlene stares at the baby, and it . . . GIVES HER PINK EYE?

I don’t know, as far as Devil Baby tricks go .  . . this one was kind of lame.  But, hey, he’s just a baby.  I’m sure his head will be spinning around and spewing green goo in no time! 

After declaring her giggling son totally rotten, Arlene rushes off to the bathroom to flush out her eyeballs.  Meanwhile, Sweet Naive Terry just hugs his baby tighter, reassuring him the most, even if he is the Devil Incarnate.  Terry is such a nice dude.   I’m really hoping Devil Baby takes pity on him, and spares his life, after chopping up Arlene’s body into little tiny pieces and mixing it with his Baby Food, don’t you?

“I second that emotion.”

Speaking of people who work at Merlotte’s (Yep .  . . bad transition . . . I know . . .)

More Naked Sam and Naked Tommy . . . meh.

You know, I never thought I’d say this, but I can do with LESS nudity in the Sam Merlotte storyline.

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  You are saying, “But, TV Recapper .  . . you LOVE all of Hollywood’s Naked Creatures!  Half of your blog is filled with them.”  This is all true.  But Sam, Tommy, and their shifter pals are naked so much, I feel like I’ve walked into a nudist colony, whenever they are on screen.  I like my nudity to be surprising, titillating, and, if at all possible, a precursor to sex.

Nudity for nudity’s sake just isn’t as much fun.  Sorry, but that’s how I feel.  So, anyway, Sam and Luna have just finished their wild pony ride.  They are lying naked in the forest.  Sam puts the moves on Luna, by telling her she is too beautiful not to have a story, and, blah, blah, blah . . .

Luna flips out, turns into a horse, and runs away.

Later, she changes her mind and comes back to Merlotte’s for some more Sam shaped nookie, promising to open up to him about her pants her past.  Sam, who could really care less about Luna’s past, and was just pretending to care about it so that he could get laid, gratefully agrees, and kisses Luna some more. Zzzzzzz . . .

Later, at a Shapeshifter Bonfire we learn that Luna is a Skinwalker.  This means that she can shift into not only any animal, but into any HUMAN as well.  (Maybe she can shift this into a more exciting storyline.)    True Blood took a page out of TVD in creating Luna’s Skinwalker story.  Apparently, you can only become a werewolf Skinwalker by killing . . . only, this time, the person you murder has to be a member of your own family.  And since Luna’s mom died giving birth to her . . . well .  . .

“Been there . .  . done that . . . have the back scars to prove it.”

Uh oh!  There is someone in the woods watching the Shapeshifter reunion.  It’s Naked Tommy.  Apparently, he’s been lying about the whole “being a cripple” thing, so that he can continue to get love from Maxine. 

Now, that’s the face of a loving woman!

But, alas, what Tommy really wants is the love of a good woman Shirtless Sam . . .

“I can make you happy, Sam!  We can take the phrase ‘screwing like bunnies’ to a whole new level.”

Sam agrees to try to make things work with his half-brother.  And if I cared at all, I would sigh and say awwww . .  .

Tara’s Back AND WAY LESS ANNOYING than she used to be . . .

“I must say, Tara, becoming a lesbian has done wonders for your fashion sense!”

If this season has made me grow increasingly less fond of Sam Merlotte, it has had the opposite effect on Tara Thornton.  I was so thrilled, when a newly-long haired, well-dressed, smiley, well adjusted Tara surprised Sookie in her backyard.  (Too bad those fairy hallucinations were behind her.  But they went away quickly enough that they didn’t bother me too much.)

Though, admittedly, their relationship seemed strained all last season, Tara and Sookie easily seemed to pick up where they left off, gossiping like school girls, while making plans to eat ice cream and talk about boys. . . and girls.  But, of course, Sookie was a bit distracted by her new beau, to truly give proper attention to her best girl.  After all, Eric had clearly been making himself at home in her house by: cleaning out her refrigerator . . .

Coincidentally, this is EXACTLY how my fridge looks . . .

 . . . and purchasing new “furniture.”

“Hmmm . . . I just kind of hoped assumed he would sleep in my bed.”

Desperate to nip this Eric Thing in the ass bud, Sookie promptly bids adieu to her bestie, and heads over to Fangtasia.

Vampires Eat Who they Want

If Sookie thought she was going to get sympathy from Vampire Pam or Vampire Jessica for her “awful plight of having a Hot Viking Vamp in her bed,” she was wrong.  The Fangtasia vamps have their own problems, having to “hold their fangs” every day, among dump species-ist picketers, who will jump at the chance to catch a vampire behaving badly on camera, so that they can post it on YouTube . . .

Vampire Pam has absolutely no interest in helping Sookie out of her little jam.  Instead, she instructs her to “consider his offer.”  And why not?  Eric is good looking, rich, and “cares about [Sookie] . . . he really does.”

So, why not let Eric play with Sookie’s puppet strings, every once in a while, if it means keeping her safe?  Pam wonders.  “My Fairy Princess . . . you are going to have to be somebody’s, or you won’t BE,” Pam tells her, in no uncertain terms.

“Dance puppet . . . DANCE!”

The thought of being Eric’s puppet for all eternity makes Sookie have to pee.  So, off to the bathroom she rushes.  In there she finds Vampire Jess biting a dude who is most definitely NOT HOYT!

Apparently, Hoyt’s comment that he “doesn’t do that sh*t,” when Jess offered to heal his wound with her blood made the Baby Vamp MAD . . . HORNY MAD!

“Grrr!  I’m so mad at you, I could have sex with this guy, right in the public restroom!”

When Sookie attempts to offer Jess some “maternal” advice about who she should and shouldn’t be biting, Baby Vamp basically throws a “You’re not my Mommy,” back in her face.  Even though I’m NOT a Vampire Bill fan, at all, I kind of like how Jess feels enough of a kinship with him, to be angry at Sookie on his behalf for dumping him.  It shows a fierce loyalty on her part.  Of course, it wouldn’t hurt, if she spared some of that loyalty for her own boyfriend.  “I’ll eat who I want,” pouts Jessica, as she stomps out of the bathroom.

HELLO AMNESIA ERIC!  (We’ve been waiting for you!)

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Based on the events of this episode, I would say we definitely have BILL to thank for bringing Amnesia Eric to life.  Now, whether he KNEW what was going to happen to Eric (he did have a spy in Marnie’s Coven, after all), and did it intentionally, to get revenge on his frenemy for “buying Sookie” remains to be seen.  Anywhoo, we see that Big Bad King Bill has summoned Eric to his castle.

Bill wonders if Eric would be willing to reconsider his purchase of Sookie’s home and the promise of hours and hours of mindblowing shower sex in her newly renovated bathroom .  Eric says (more or less), “Heck NO, King Chump!  You’ve had your chance with the Fairy Princess.  It’s my turn, now!”

“Yes . . . I’m awesome.  I know it.”

King Bill informs Eric that the new coven in town practices “necromancy.”  In other words, they have the power to control the dead . . . which, of course, includes vampires.  Eric boredly offers to get Pam on the case, reminding Bill that he is MUCH older and hotter than Bill, and therefore knows better the risk these witches can cause.  But Bill, who might suspect what will become of Eric later in the episode demands that Eric put a stop to the coven’s evil doings HIMSELF. (SO BOSSY!)

Cut to the coven meeting . . .

Hello, GORGEOUS!

Lafayette and Jesus are there.  And Tara is there too.  She’s not down with the whole Creepy Wiccan thing, and would much prefer to read Good Housekeeping instead.  (Hmmm . . . I wonder if they have any good Cage Fighting tips in there.)

Marnie spends most of the meeting rudely not talking to any of her followers, until suddenly she perks up and decides that, since the clan has graduated from bringing dead birds to life, the next stop is DEAD HUMANS!

Enter, one very sexy Dead Human . . .

“Y’all looking for a Dead Body?”  Eric inquires, doing his best interpretation of a Country Bumpkin. 

Eric then spots Good Ole Laffy in the crowd, and gives him a seductive wink for old times sake.  “Oh, Lafayette.  I didn’t know you were a witch.”

“Oh, honey!  I will be whatever you want me to be.”

Eric tells Marnie in no uncertain terms that their coven is not to convene ever again.  And if it tries to do so, he will find out about it, because “[he] is everywhere.”  (Oh, if only he were.)  Ignoring Eric’s orders, Marnie instructs the coven to join hands and begin chanting.  Eric then lunges for her, taking a big chunk out of her neck.  Enter Cage Fighter Tara, always one to rescue the weak and feeble-minded.  Unfortunately, even her Bad Assedness is no match for the Big Bad Viking Vamp . . .

“Wow, that is quite a grip you have.  No wonder Sookie can’t resist you.”

Ever the good cousin, Lafayette, who, up to this point, hasn’t been joining in the Wiccan games begins chanting alongside his coven mates, in hopes of rescuing Tara.  Just like last time, Lafayette’s chanting, combined with the rest of the group, has an effect on Marnie.  Like a woman possessed (which, of course, she is), her eyes glow, and she starts chanting in Latin.  Oh, she also gets a much prettier face . . . for like two seconds . . .

“Hey, it’s cheaper than plastic surgery!”

“Hey, she’s kind of sexy.  I’d hit that.”

A bewildered Eric walks off in a daze, making sure to take off his shirt and jacket as he leaves.  (Why?  Because he loves his fans, that’s why!  Does there have to be a logical / plot-oriented reason?)

Cut to a few moments later . . .  Sookie is driving in her cute little yellow car, when she finds a cute little Half-Naked Eric wandering in the woods.

“Hey Roomie!  What’s for dinner?  Aside from ME of course!”

“Excuse me, miss.  I seem to have lost my cool black jacket.  Could you help me find it?  I think it’s hiding in my pants.” 

When Eric claims not to know Sookie at all, she assumes he’s kidding around with her . . . that is . . . until he looks her right in the eye, and says this:  “Why do you smell so good?”

That’s right, Fangbangers!  Amnesia Eric is here to stay . . . and he’s in desperate need of a shower!

See ya next week, Tiny Humans!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Ryan Kwanten . . . the Superhero? Get your rubber-clad booty into my movie theater, NOW!

Griff the Invisible . . .  Coming soon to a theater near . . . WHO?

OK, so I’ll admit it.  Most of the television shows I watch are currently on hiatus.  And, as a television recapper, this most recent turn of events has me feeling SERIOUSLY DOWN . . .

So, in an effort to cheer myself up, I started looking up information on the upcoming season of True Blood .  . .

Meet Eric Northman, also known as “The Shirtless Blonde Man.”  You’ve really gotta hand it to the HBO Marketing Department.  They sure do know how to sell their product!

While I was searching, I stumbled upon this trailer for a film called Griff the Invisible, which is set to hit theaters in Australia this month . . .  

The film stars JASON STACKHOUSE as a SUPERHERO!!!!!!

Well . . . kinda . . .

Actually, Ryan Kwanten (a.k.a. Jason from True Blood) stars in the film, as the titular Griff, an Average Joe who dons a rubber suit at night, as a means of escaping the doldrums of his own mundane existence . . .

In other words, “Griff” is the guy Peter Parker probably would have ended up being, had he made it into adulthood, having never been bitten by a radioactive spider . . .

But don’t take my word for it.  Check out the trailer, and see for yourself . . .

When I saw this trailer, and found out that Griff the Invisible was NOT coming soon to a theater near ME, I was HOPPING MAD!

You mean to tell me that there’s a movie out there, in which Ryan Kwanten walks around in a skintight rubber suit, kicking ASS, and I DON’T GET TO SEE IT ON THE BIG SCREEN?  What is WRONG with this world?

So, I did a bit MORE research.  And I learned that a distributor had, in fact, recently acquired the rights to air Griff the Invisible in North America.

A solid decision, on this distributor’s part!  After all, with True Blood being as popular as it is in the States, Ryan Kwanten has become household name . . . not to mention, a household BODY .  . .

Between Kwanten’s . . . umm . . . appeal . . . to the masses, and the major box office success Superhero films have enjoyed in the U.S. over the past decade, I don’t see how this film could NOT make money in the States.  “So, why the wait?”  You are probably wondering.

My theory?  It’s all about the “package” . . .

“ING” . . . It’s all about the “packag-ING.”  (Get your minds out of the gutter!)

You see, Griff the Invisible isn’t packaged as your typical Superhero Movie.  I mean, YOU saw the trailer!  It’s “quirky,” and “offbeat.”  It’s also “sweet,” “cute,” and features “schmaltzy music” in the background.  Plus, there seems to be a whole lot of that “Schmoopy Romance Stuff” in it . . .

Not to mention, have you EVER seen a trailer for a Superhero movie, where there was not at least ONE SHOT of the hero kicking some villain’s ASS?  SERIOUSLY!

Now, I understand that the probable reason that Griff the Invisible wasn’t packaged like your typical Superhero Movie is that it isn’t your typical Superhero Movie.  Just from the smidgeon of research I’ve done on the film, Griff seems a bit more high-concept than your Iron Mans, and your Spider Mans, and your X Men.  It’s probably a bit moodier of a film than those . . . and, forgive the term, a bit more “emo.”  But what Americans don’t know won’t hurt them, right? 

Just nod and smile, Jason . . . Nod an smile.

For this reason, I offer up to the U.S. distributors of Griff the Invisible an alternate trailer for this film.  The “trailer” I selected, actually comes from some behind-the-scenes footage of Ryan Kwanten training for the more physical aspects of the film.  And yet,  it has everything a U.S. audience could possibly want in a Superhero Movie Trailer.  (Well, except for the fact that Ryan’s unfortunately, wearing a SHIRT in it, of coruse). 

Check it out . . .

So, now I turn the discussion over to YOU.  I’m very curious as to whether anybody over in Oz has seen this film yet?  (CHERIE, my Fabulous Blogger Pal from Down Under, I’m looking at YOU!)  If so, what did you think?  Also, assuming you’ve already seen it, what are your thoughts as to how this movie would be received by an American audience? 

Inquiring Jason Stackhouse fans want to know!

[www.juliekushner.com]