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Eric Northman Wants YOU (to Come and Play With Him) – A Recap of True Blood’s “I’m Alive and On Fire”

Dear Mom,

                       Please buy me an underwater camera for my birthday.

         Hugs and Kisses,

        TV Recapper

Hey there, Fangbangers!  Welcome to another installment of the “I Drooled Over Amnesia Eric So Much that I Forgot Nearly Everything Else that Happened in this Episode” Recap Show (Well . . . except for what happened to Pam.  I wish I could have amnesia for what happened to Pam.  That was GROSS!).  But, truthfully, we learned a lot from this week’s True Blood!  Like, for example, what happens to a vampire, after he’s eaten the WHOLE fairy . . . 

Fairy Goggles . . .

 . . . and how to stake a trailer trash werepanther in the forest, while standing on a tree top (because you never know when a skill like that could come in handy) . . . 

 Thank you, Jason’s Hot Back, for remaining free of scary werepanther bites, and nasty sex scars, against all odds . . .

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We also learned why you shouldn’t leave out markers for your Demon Baby . . .

 Nice penmanship, Evil Spawn!

. . . and, most importantly, we learned HOW TO READ!

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s start LEARNING! 🙂

(By the way, special thanks to THIS SPECTACULAR SITE, for the majority of the fabulous screencaps you see here.  The less-than-fabulous ones, I made myself. :))

This Butt’s for YOU!

Amnesia Eric thinks Sookie has had a real stick up her butt, lately.  So, he generously decides to extract it for her . . .

When we last left Amnesia Eric, he was chowing down on some sweet Fairy Surprise . . .

 (As in, “SURPRISE!  You’re dead now . . .)

Now Claudine is nothing more than a tasty memory.  But her fairy dust remains, and it’s starting to tickle Eric’s brain .  . .

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First, he falls, face first, to the floor.  But then, he quickly recovers, and starts weaving toward Sookie, with a goofy smile on his face, and blood smeared across his chin, like a very messy baby . . .

“I want MORRRRRRRRE!”  He slurs contentedly.

As per usual, Sookie treats Eric like a disobedient child.  SPANK HIM, SOOKIE!  SPANK HIM!  “No!  You ate the WHOLE Fairy,” she tells him, frustratedly.  “And now you have to go to your room!”

(I love how Sookie doesn’t shed so much as one tear over the untimely demise of her Fairy Godmother.  Because, you know, if this was Cinderella, she would be bawling her eyes out .  . .)

“Damn Straight!”

Eric doesn’t want to go to his room.  He wants to eat Sookie.   And he tells her so, as he leans in close, and seductively whispers in her ear.  (See?  Even completely wasted, Amnesia Eric knows how to score with the ladies.)

“No!”  Sookie exclaims.  (She says “No” this week, almost as much as Eric said “Sorry,” last week)  “You’ll kill ME!”

I loved Eric’s shocked and saddened facial expression here, as he contemplates the notion of murdering his lover.  “I would never hurt you,” he explains earnestly.

But my favorite part of the scene  HAS to be, when Eric REFUSES to go inside (even though it is almost dawn) and gleefully pinches Sookie’s ass TWICE, before running away at vampire speed . . .

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Currently experiencing Ass Envy . . . 😦

Meanwhile, over at Fangtasia . . .

“Take this Crown, and Shove it . . . Your Heiny Highness . . .”

“You, stay away from MY Maker, you mean old Ancestor F*&ker!”

Eager to clean up the evidence of his little Sending Eric off to Be Killed by Witches Scheme, Bill visits Pam at Fangtasia, demanding that she inform him of Eric’s current whereabouts.  Pam kindly reminds Bill what a ruthless slimy crown-wearing douchebag he’s always been become, and then innocently claims that she has no clue where Eric is hiding.

Bill pouts, and says something like this:

So, Pam laughs in his face, and goes back to her job of being awesome and wearing kickass clothes . . .

But over in Rape Town I HATE THIS PLOT, AND AM SOOO GLAD MY JASON BABY FINALLY ESCAPED FROM IT! . . .

“I Want Candy.”

“Awww man, I really hope my Daddy doesn’t watch True Blood . . .”

For about the third episode in a row, Poor Shirtless Gory Jason is being ridden like a pony, by some trailer trash chick.  This girl looks particularly familiar.  I wish I had a screencap of her to show you.  But I think that she’s the same girl who jumped Jason in the police station, back during the Maenad Possession of Season 2.  If someone could confirm this for me, I would be oh so grateful . . .

“And I would be OH SO GRATEFUL, if you got on with this part of the recap, so I could escape this Hell Hole, and go back to being the Sexy, but Dimwitted, Comic Relief, already . . .”

(Sorry Jason! I’m on my way . . .)

So, that first girl, who may or may not have humped Jason back in Season 2, starts crying, because, even though Jason is tied up, and can’t exactly “reciprocate the love,” he still remains the best sexual partner she has ever had.  (Well, I guess when you screw your relatives all the time, things are bound to get a little yucky.  Isn’t that right, Bill Compton?)

The Old Dude from Hotshot sends in the next “candidate.”  She can’t be more than 13-years old . . .

“Breed, Ghost Daddy, Breed!”  Old Dude instructs Jason, before leaving these two to “do their thing.”

The pre-pubescent has learned well from her fellow trailer trash extras from the movie Deliverance, and promptly threatens to cut Jason’s manhood off, if he doesn’t lay there inert, while she, essentially takes her own virginity from herself.

Fortunately, Jason is eventually able to get through to the young girl, by telling her that her first time should be special.  Specifically, Jason explains that the first man Little Girl screws should be a guy who buys her stuff like candy.  (Of course, judging by Jason’s last sexual encounter’s assessment of the “eligible bachelor’s in hotshot,” this is a TOTAL LIE!  If Little Girl stays in Hot Shot, Jason Stackhouse will undoubtedly remain the Best Sex She’s Never Had.  (Join the club, Honey!)

Nevertheless, Little Girl eventually loosens Jason’s cuffs, allowing him to FINALLY ESCAPE THIS MISERABLE STORYLINE . . .

 . . . at least, for now . . .

Bad Dreams, and Puritanettes, Who Needed a Good Lay . . .

“So, let me get this straight . . . you set Eric up to get amnesia, so that he could seduce Sookie with his innocent, sweet, loveable ways?   Thank you!  This is, by far, the kindest thing you’ve done for fans, since that time you got kidnapped, and weren’t around for a couple of episodes.

“I think I just pooped in my pants.”

Unable to find Eric himself, Bill is forced to call Vampire League Leader Nan, with his tail between his legs, and inform her of the teensy weensy mistake he made.  Nan is undoubtedly beginning to wonder why she hired such an imbecile to be king.  Furthermore, she doesn’t think witches are supernatural adversaries worthy of as much man power as Bill has been using to combat them.  She helpfully explains to us that during the Salem Witch Trial, witches were easily brought down by a bunch of Uptight Puritanettes, Who Needed to Get Laid.  (Who knew?  Aside from Arthur Miller, of course.)

Apparently, both Nan and Pam shop at S&M-Loving Vampire B*tches R’ Us . . .

Nan demands that Bill find Eric and bring him back, without spilling any human (or witch) blood . . .  Ummm .  . . yeah, good luck with that, Mister Beeeel . . .

Speaking of witch trials, Marnie is having a bad dream about the chick who occasionally possesses her body.  In the dream, she is being burned at the stake . . .

“Psst . . . you, down there.  Got a hairbrush?  I’d really hate for my charred corpse to have bedhead.”

AHHHHHH! Anything but bedhead!”

In the dream, the witch starts chanting curses in Latin against the men who are burning her.  The  writers of the show helpfully translate these for us, in subtitles at the bottom of the screen.  (See above.)  Then Aunt Petunia Marnie, who doesn’t know a LICK of Latin, in her natural, unpossessed state, starts chanting along with the witch, before she waking up in bed, in a cold sweat, and undoubtedly wondering if Harry Potter is still in his bedroom under the stairs . . .

Shirtless Men Fighting Over Sookie (AGAIN)

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Sookie, once again, heads to Alcide’s house in hopes of having some hot doggy style sex, and requests his help in finding the Missing Eric.  Alcide wastes no time unzipping his pants and dropping trou for Sookie . . .

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Then the Lord made Alcide.  And he was GOOOOOD!

Once he has taken a nice long whiff of Eric’s scent, Alcide shifts into that cute little white wolf thing, and dashes off to find Eric.  He eventually locates him in a nearby lake . . .

DOGGY LIKE!

“Who has two hands, and likes to have sex underwater?  THIS GUY!”

Eric goofs around, in the water for a while, loving life, and soaking up the sun.  But when Alcide shifts back to his gorgeous shirtless glory, Eric promptly enters into a pissing contest with him, the unspoken prize being a First Class Trip inside Sookie’s panties . . .

Unfortunately, for Eric, he’s at a bit of a disadvantage, being allergic to the sun and all.  (He has only been able to last this long, as a result of the fairy blood he recently ingested.)  When Eric starts to feel the painful effects of Vampire Sun Exposure, Sookie mothers him, by calling him out of the water, and wrapping his body in her legs a big red blanket.

Papa Alcide then graciously helps Sookie get Eric home . . .

Elsewhere in the forest . .  .

Survivor  – Bon Temps: Jason Stackhouse Edition

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(And coming from the guy who was once thrown in jail on suspicion of being a serial killer . . . that’s saying a lot, CRYSTAL!)

While on the run, Jason rewards us for putting up with this Terrible Gang Bang Storyline, by promptly ripping off his shirt, and positioning his body in all sorts of attractive ways, that hide his unsightly sex bruises . . .

YEAH BABY!

Meanwhile, back in Trailer Trash Town, the Evil Felton has sneakily surmised that Little Girl is still a virgin.

This scene was SO wrong, on SO many levels . . .

Felton then rushes into Jason’s room, and learns that his Ghost Daddy has flown the coop, and tied up Old Dude to boot (maybe they could use him as a replacement “stud.”)

So, Felton rips off his shirt (of course) . . .

You know, if he wasn’t EVIL, and he didn’t come from such a garbage dump of a gene pool, Felton could actually be considered kind of hot!

 . . . turns into a panther . . .

. . . and heads off in pursuit of Jason, a.k.a. the Community Vibrator.  Now, while I do give kudos to the production department for fixing the cheesy werepanther image of Season 3, and making it much more realistic, I MUST gripe about the “panther sounds.”  These were just plain annoying! 

Throughout the scene, every two minutes, without fail, the panther would make a sound . . . the EXACT SAME SOUND . . . EVERY . . . SINGLE . . . TIME.  The sound guys didn’t bother to change the cadence, or the pitch, or ANYTHING. As a result, Felton’s werepanther growl sounded less like something you would hear in the jungle, and MORE like something you’d hear at a football game, before they brought out the mascot.  Just sayin’ . . .

Now, Jason isn’t a guy who known for his exemplary education, but, apparently, he’s at least read Lord of the Flies, since he knows enough, even in his weakened state, to sharpen a tree branch at both ends, climb up a tree, and attack the werepanther from above.  (Then again, maybe they teach you how to do stuff like that in the Bon Temps Police Academy.) 

Jason stabs Were-Felton in the head.  The latter, gets one last chomp at his leg, before falling naked and dead to the ground.

Nice knowing ya’, Felton!  That’s one Evil Werepanther down, one more to go . . . Obviously, I’m referring to Crystal.  (The rest, as far as I’m concerned, are basically just misguided dirty kids, and an Old Dude.  So, we can let them live, I think provided we never have to see them on screen EVER AGAIN.)  Speaking of that OTHER Werepanther that needs to be put to sleep . . .

And to think, I used to love ALL animals . . .

Talk about a wackadoo, Crystal is actually THRILLED that Jason murdered her boyfriend / sex partner / close relative.  And no matter how many times Jason threatens her with a stick, and tells her it’s over between them, girlfriend will just NOT TAKE A HINT.  She’s convinced that he will come crawling back to Hotshot, once his friends and family learn what happened to him.  “I’ll be waiting for you, at the Full Moon,” she calls after him cheerily, as he stomps away.

All I can say is, MAN, I HOPE NOT!  Because I can’t take any more of this crap.

Fortunately, Jason’s storyline ends on a high note this week, with Jess and Hoyt finding him on the side of the road, and Jess feeding Jason her blood to heal him.

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Team Jasicca, anyone?

Awww!  Don’t be mad at me, Hoyt!  I just call em’ like I see em’.  And there was some serious near-death, eye f*&king going on between those two . . .

Speaking of incest . . .

Portia and Bill Sitting in a Tree . . . The FAMILY Tree, that is!

“I know . . . I’ll just keep a copy of my Family Tree over my bed, so everyone I bone can check to make sure they aren’t related to me, first.”

Remember last week, when THIS happened  .  . .

And I reacted THIS way . . .

NOW YOU KNOW WHY!  Yes, boys and girls, Vampire Bill’s meeting with Andy and Portia’s grandmother went swimmingly well . . . at least until they figured out that they were all related to one another.  “Yu ahr mah great, great, great, great granndawtahhhh,” Bill admitted to his girlfriend on the porch, in that grating charming accent of his.

Poor Portia!  I wonder how many times she showered, after learning that she had “a little Compton in her” LOOOOOONG before she had a “little Compton in her,” if you catch my drift.  S0, much for incorporating “sex” into the business relationship . . .

In other effed up family news . . .

Tommy Can Read Books (But Apparently NOT People)

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OK . . . so we all know that Tommy Boy is a bastard, in pretty much every conceivable way.  He tried to steal from Sam, many times, and once, tried to get him hit by a car.  He manipulated Maxine Fortenberry into taking him in and teaching him how to read, only to decide to abandon her, and bilk her out of cash, at the first opportunity.  He’s a WHINY BRAT most of the time. 

A boy only a mother could love . . .

All that being said, I couldn’t help but feel just the teensiest bit bad for him this week.  After all, with parents like Jolie and Whatever-the-Heck-his-Mom’s-Name-Is, did Tommy have any chance to come out any better than he did?

 

Last week, I mentioned that I was a bit skeptical of the whole, “Let’s randomly pay Maxine Fortenberry lots of cash for oil” storyline.  As it turns out, my skepticism was founded, as it appears this may very well have been a ruse to bring Tommy back into the Mickens’ fold. 

Where I missed the boat, however, was in interpreting the reason behind Mommy Micken’s avoidence of the topic of her husband.  I thought she killed him.  That made me happy.

Yes, I’m a BAD PERSON.  Got a problem with that?

And while Mommy patted Tommy on the head, and told him what a smart boy he was for learning to read, I really thought, for a second there, those two might make it out of this season alive.  But then Jolie came out and put a chain around his son’s neck, thereby,  forcing him to return to the dogfighting ring.  And well, that was the end of that . . .  Just, whatever you do writers, don’t make us have to see Jolie NAKED AGAIN!  BECAUSE EWW!

I still think that Sam will eventually end up killing a family member this season, which will result in him becoming a Skinwalker.  However, now, my money is on Mommy Mickens being the victim, instead of Tommy.  (I’d say Jolie, but I don’t think the two are blood related.)

Speaking of Sam . . .

Blah, blah, blah, Jealous Ex Boyfriend Emergency, Bah

Who’s your Daddy?”

That’s right, folks.  Once again, Sam’s storyline was deadly boring.  He stopped by Luna’s house, uninvited.  She seemed briefly annoyed, because she didn’t want him to know she had a kid. 

Hey, I like kids . . . well, except for the one I shot in the leg . . .”

But Luna’s kid (her name is Emma, by the way) is not the real problem.  She’s cute, and likes to play Barbies.  (What more can a guy ask for in a surrogate daughter?)  The problem is the kid’s dad.  Apparently, he’s that brand of abusive stalker assh*le that only seems to appear in Lifetime movies.  Oh, yeah, and he’s also a werewolf . . .

In brighter news, Sam wasn’t nearly as douchey and detestable this week, as he’s been in recent weeks.  And his scenes with the little girl were actually kind of cute.  So . .  . yay for progress!

You know what’s not cute?  DEMON BABIES!

Terry Finally Wakes Up and Smells the Evil Baby Poop

OK . . . I take that back, Demon Babies can be cute.

So far this season, Baby Mikey has been pretty good about restricting his evilness to only stuff that Arlene could see.  This made Arlene look TOTALLY INSANE . . . which, let’s face it, made me like Evil Baby a whole lot more than I suspect I should have.

Get on with your Bad Self, Evil Baby!

But this time, Evil Baby showed its true colors to Terry by writing “Not your baby” in red marker on the living room wall, as Arlene and her two older children slept nearby.

In MUCH sexier news . . .

Eric Charms Sookie / Sookie Nuzzles Alcide / Debbie Pretends She’s Not Still a TOTAL NUTBALL


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Up until this point, Sookie has seemed kind of annoyed with Amnesia Eric.   It’s almost as though she didn’t quite believe his “condition” is real.  This sweet short scene illustrated the first sign of cracks in the brittle coat of armor Sookie has placed over her heart, ever since He Who Shall Not Be Named Beeeeeeeeeeeeel stomped on it so, mercilessly last season.

Like a cranky small child at bedtime, the afternoon finds Eric in his cubby hole, restless, and unwilling to sleep.  He also doesn’t want to be alone.  “Stay with me,” he begs Sookie, with disarming earnestness.

To which fans replied . . .

But Sookie (though she looked quite tempted by the Viking Vampire’s proposition) replied, “I’ve got human stuff to do.”

WHAT IS SHE NUTS?????!!!!!!  Perfect opportunity for mindblowing sex = WASTED!

Not to worry, Eric.  It’s early in the season yet.  You’ll get her next time . . .

Upstairs and out on the porch, Alcide called Sookie out for trusting Eric, and letting him live in her house, given his dubious past.  To this Sookie replied.  “Ring, ring, ring . . . hello, Pot?  It’s Kettle calling.  Guess what?  YOU’RE BLACK!”

That’s right, Alcide certainly has NO place telling Sookie she can’t let Eric sleep in her cubby hole, when Evil Trailer Trash Debbie is sleeping in his BED.  Unless, of course, he’s .  . . JEALOUS? 😉

Alcide and Sookie than share a WAY MORE THAN FRIENDLY extended hug, much similar to the one they shared together at the end of Season 3, with Sookie burrowing her head deep in Alcide’s muscular chest, and Alcide clearly relishing the closeness of his fairy princess . . .

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Meanwhile, Eric listens in on their conversation, pouting . . . (but at least, he can’t see The Hug from his cubby hole).

Back at Alcide’s House Trailer Trash Debbie in Sane Person’s Clothing inquires suspiciously as to whether Alcide shifted that day and why.  (I have no doubt she smells fairy on him!)  Alcide because he may be strong and sexy, but he’s also dumb as dogsh*t is honest with his girlfriend about spending the day with Sookie.  Debbie acts like she doesn’t mind, and thanks Alcide for being honest.  But there’s a glint in her eye, as she does this that just SCREAMS CRAZY TOWN! 

Hide your pet bunny, Alcide!

Bill Compton – Cockblock Extraordinaire

I mentioned cracks in Sookie’s emotional armor, in the previous scene.  But in this one, we get cracks in her panties as well! 🙂  It all starts when Sookie comes to visit Amnesia Eric in his cubby hole, and finds him depressed and listless.

I remember watching TVD last season, and being shocked at Resident Bad Boy Vamp Damon’s longing for humanity.  I had a similar reaction to Eric’s sad realization that he would never get to truly experience the sun again, in the same way he did earlier that day . . .

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In many ways, True Blood vampires have MORE to miss about being human than other television and film vampire incarnations, because they ARE literally “Dead Until Dark.”  Amesia Eric’s confession got me to wondering whether Memory-Having Eric experienced the same sense of loss last season, after HE got to spend some time in the light, as a result of drinking some of Sookie’s blood . . .

But enough about THAT!  You want to hear about the Seric SEXUAL TENSION, right?

There are plenty of naysayers who say that Sookie’s feelings for Amnesia Eric must be considered as completely separate from her feelings for Memory-Having Eric, as their personalities are so vastly different.  And yet, in this scene, Sookie speaks of Memory-Having Eric fondly, noting how confident and content he always seems to be, and how everything just seems to roll off his back.

 . . . or put him ON his back, whichever you prefer.

I also found it interesting that Amnesia Eric read enough into Sookie’s description of Memory-Having Eric to cause him to be jealous of his former self.  “You think I am weak,” he pouts.”

Sookie smiles sweetly at him, telling him that she simply wants to make him happy.  Well, Eric may have Amnesia, but he is NO DUMMY!  He knows an opening, when he sees one.  “Just kiss me once, and I will be happy,” he tells her.

The pair lean in close to one another, with passion in their eyes.  She looks at him intently.  He returns the gaze.  They move closer to eachother . . . Their bodies are touching . . . Their lips are inches apart. And then . . .

“Somebody, is at the door,” Eric announces.

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STUPID BEEEEL!  GRRRRR!

“Yeah, so I know that you are all big and important, now, and all.  But could you please leave so that I can have hot sex with go back to kissing Eric?”

Bill wants to know where Eric is (“He’s in my pants,” replies Sookie.  “Or, at least he would be if you didn’t come and eff it up!”) .  Sookie lies, and says she has no idea.  When Bill goes to search her home anyway, since, Eric, after all, does OWN it, Sookie lays a guilt trip on him, asking if she has ever lied to him before.  That made me laugh.  Way to go, SOOKIE! 🙂

Bill pushes past Sookie to search her house anyway, but stops at the threshhold.  He then gets a sad look on his face, and leaves.  And for about two seconds, I actually felt bad for Bill . . . but then, I got over it.

Meanwhile, in Scary Witch Land . . .

YOU RUINED PAM’S FACE!  (YOU BASTARD!)

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I love the contrast between the whiny scatterbrained Marnie and the self-assured remorseless Hallow who occasionally possesses her body.  We got to see the dichotomy between these two in full force, when Lafayette, Tara and Jesus, approached Marnie requesting help to remove the Amnesia spell from Eric, so that Pam didn’t kill them all.  To her credit, Marnie really did seem to want to help.  It’s just that . . . as a witch .  . . well, she kind of sucks!

Uhhhh .  . . I didn’t mean that.   Sorry!

“Get your ass on the Goddess Line, and get her to turn it around,” said Lafayette, of Marnie’s “Witchy Godmother.” 

Lafayette had more reason than ANY of them, to want Marnie to follow Pam’s wishes, after all, if anyone knows the evil Eric F*&king Northman can do, it’s HIM.

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Eventually, Hallow DOES give in, and help Marnie to find the spell she is seeking.  And so the Witchy Scooby Gang head out to meet Pam in the middle of the forest.  The problem of course, is that Pam is being extra special ornery, spouting out insults at the entire gang, cursing like a sailor, and lodging individual threats at everyone involved.

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This makes Marnie nervous, but it makes Hallow ROYALLY PISSED OFF, which is why she chooses this exact moment to do something REALLY INCREDIBLY DISGUSTING TO PAM’S FACE!  (In fact, it’s SO DISGUSTING that I refuse to put a picture of it on my blog.  Instead, you’ll get this cute picture of a kitty . . .

You’re welcome!

And that’s all she wrote.  🙂  See you next week, Fangbangers!

(This has sort of become the unofficial “closing credits” for my True Blood Recaps.)

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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