Tag Archives: Andie and Damon

Lost (and FOUND), Wet (and WILD) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Hybrid”

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ELENA: *I will not think about the last time I saw Damon’s wet willy.  I will not think about Damon’s wet willy.  I will not think about . . .*

DAMON: “Elena?”

ELENA:  “Yeah, Damon.”

DAMON: “You do realize you are speaking out loud, right?”

Woo!  Welcome back, Fangbangers!  I don’t know about you guys, but I am still riding on the SPECTACULAR HIGH that was watching this episode.  I mean, talk about an hour of television that had something to offer everyone!  Well, unless you’re a Bonnie fan . . .

You like Team Ripper?

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We got some of that!

You’re a fan of Salvatore Brother Bonding?

Yeah . . . we got that too.

Homoerotic Times with Jeremy and Matt?

CHECK!

Team Badass?

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BINGO!

Dysfunctional makeshift families, with weird, yet oddly hot sexual tension?

ON IT!

Tyler defending Caroline’s honor, like a BAMF?

DONE!

Cliffhangers?

SURE!

Stelena hopefulness?

Umm . . . yeah . . . I guess.

AMAZING DELENA MOMENTS THAT ARE BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU CRY TEARS OF JOY, AND SEXY ENOUGH TO MAKE YOUR PANTIES FALL OFF?

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OH HELL YESSSS!

OK . . . as usual, we have a TON to cover. So, chug down your vervain coffee, pack up all your nifty vampire slayer weapons, and don’t forget your beer, bong, or bathing suit. Because, it’s time to go for a little hike with our favorite Mystic Falls’ supes . . .

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(As always, special thanks to Andre for the GLORIOUS screencaps you see here.  Also, I must give a shout out to the BRILLIANT insolent gilbert tumblr.  Whoever you are, you somehow READ MY MIND, this week, by seeming to capture NEARLY EVERY GIF I wanted!  And I love you (in a completely platonic way, of course. I’m saving myself for Damon Salvatore.)

“I’m Really Sorry Your Girlfriend’s Dead, But . . . No, I’m Really Not. Can We Please Talk About Stefan Some More?”

“Hey!  Why are taking down your Stefan Stalker Board?  I was hoping we could play a rousing game of Pin the Tail on the Murder Victim!” 

Ahhh . . . what a difference a day makes.  Around this time, a couple of days ago, the CW released this first scene of the episode as a webclip.  And as a result, Elena and I were kind of in a fight.

“WTF, Recapper?  I thought we were friends?”

I know, I know.  Elena was all MOVED, by her BIG EMOTIONAL PHONECALL with Stefan  . . .

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“Can you hear me now?  GOOD!”

And she REALLY, REALLY wanted to tell her man, Damon all about it, so that they could sit in bed together, and analyze the meaning of it all . . .

ELENA: “So, do you really think he likes me?  Should I ask him to prom?”

DAMON:  “Hmm . .  . I don’t know . . . let’s sleep together on it.”

But, really, I mean, the guy’s girlfriend just DIED, like YESTERDAY, in TVD time!  Soooo . . . a little sympathy might have been in order here.  You know, maybe Damon could have used a big bear hug, like Elena gave him when man-stealer Rose died . . .

Or at the very least, she could have offered up a “Golly gee, I’m sorry for your loss.  It really sucks that my significant other KILLED yours.”  (In her defense, I don’t think she realizes yet that Stefan was actually the one who killed Andie.  Maybe she actually thinks “it’s just a coincidence.”)

At first blush, this first scene looked, more or less, like a carbon copy of the scene that took place toward the middle of “The Birthday,” (which, coincidentally, was also released by the CW as a webclip).  In both scenes, Elena barges into Damon’s bedroom, like a nagging girlfriend (He’s right!  She really CAN’T stay away!)

 . . . and demands that Damon help her save Stefan.  Also, in both scenes, Damon INSISTS that there is no longer a “good” Stefan to save.  In fact, in this scene, Damon takes HIS argument, one step further, by actually BURNING the remnants of his previous search for his brother.

Cute butt alert! 

However, after watching “The Hybrid,” I can now recognize that this scene HAD to kick off the episode, in order to further illuminate the state of mind changes both Elena and Damon underwent throughout the course of the hour . . . Damon, regarding his feelings about whether his brother is actually lost to him forever, and Elena regarding her recognition of her feelings toward Damon.

Needless to say, in light of how the episode ENDED, all is forgiven between Big E and me! 😉

(Of course, I am sure she will sleep much better at night knowing this . . .)

Knock, Knock. (Who’s There?) Girl with the CRAZY Scheme that’s Probably Going to Get Us All Killed . . .

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ALARIC: “You just couldn’t get enough of my Chunky Monkey, could you?”

ELENA: “Wow! Is EVERY male character on this show going to show me his weiner this season?” (All fingers crossed.)

Alaric — is home in bed, a bottle of bourbon at his bedside — sleeping off his morning drunk, when he is awakened by a RUDE, and extremely insistent, knock at the door.

“Last night is still a little foggy.  But I vaguely remember getting an ‘I Heart Useless Aunt Jenna’ Tattoo on my ass . . .” 

Alaric immediately assumes its Damon.  I suspect this is because Damon, like Elena, is known for being a particularly loud “knocker.”  Of course, the homoeroticism seeker in me, can’t help but wonder whether this is because Damon has started to make morning visits to Alaric’s Chunky Monkey a secret habit of sorts . . . 😉

Anywhoo . . . since Damon has declined to play with her, Elena sincerely hopes that Alaric will be her Plus One in this week’s Save Stefan Games.  After all, Alaric has been Damon’s plus one in the Save Stefan Games, since day one.  And together the two have drank A LOT of bourbon learned some valuable information about Stefan’s and Klaus’ whereabouts . .  . like, for example the fact that they are currently tracking werewolves somewhere in Tennessee  . . .

Well, Elena.  I must admit that wasn’t the sort of ‘game’ I had in mind to play with you.  But I guess I’m willing to compromise.”

Initially, Alaric doesn’t seem all that enthused, because he generally doesn’t like to do things without his boy, Damon.   Part of Alaric, might also not believe that Elena’s actually going to go through with it.

“Well, don’t bother getting dressed, on my account, I have walked in on you having sex with my now-dead aunt on numerous occasions.  I’ve seen it all before.”

But then, after Elena leaves Alaric’s place, she meets up with Tyler, who gives her SPECIFIC information about where exactly Tennessee werewolves are likely to SPEND the upcoming Full Moon.

This was a small scene, but one that I hold dear to my heart for a number of reasons. (1) It further illustrates the Elena / Tyler friendship, which I love.   (2) It hints toward the fact that on Tyler’s hiatus from the show month away from Mystic Falls, he may very well have been at werewolf camp, considering his seemingly extensive knowledge of where various packs hang out.

And (3) this is the first time we’ve actually heard Tyler express remorse over accidentally almost-killing Damon with his toxic werewolf teeth, an action which ultimately resulted in the development of Team Ripper, in the first place.   (Sure, Caroline guilted him into this realization.  But it’s certainly a start.)

YAY!  Character growth!

So, now Elena RETURNS to Alaric (who’s now by the bar, of course).  However, this time, she has with a slightly more specific plan and Stefan Hunting Location.  Now, suddenly, Alaric is ALL IN!  “I thought you said I could handle things on my own now?”  Elena teased.

“I meant like frozen dinners, and SAT’s” Alaric clarified.  (Hey Alaric, since we’re on the subject of SAT’S, how about you give me a synonym for the term “negligent.”)

“Let me get back to you on that one . . .”

And so, off head Elena and Papa Alchy-ric on a journey to the Big Ole Tennessee Mountains, where Klaus and Stefan are engaging in a little hiking trip of their own . . .

Hybrid Nation? More Like ZOMBIE Nation . . .

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“Hi-ho, Hi-ho! It’s off to hump eachother make an army we go!”

Mass murder and almost-letting-Stefan-succumb-to-a-nasty-case-of-were-rabies-aside, this was definitely the week that we got to see a softer, more paternalistic side of Klaus.  I mean, sure, part of the Original Were-Vamp was probably just tired of Stefan’s “suffocating broodiness,” and sought to lighten the mood a bit.  But I’d like to think that there was also a part of Klaus that was slightly concerned that carrying an Unconscious Seventh Heaven Guy for miles and miles up the Big Ole Tennessee Mountains was giving the “Rippah” a bad back . . .

Fortunately for Stefan, Team Ripper locates the werewolf pack in relatively short order.  Once there, it is Stefan who garners the groups attention first, by tossing Seventh Heaven Guy’s body on the floor in front of them, a gesture that is immediately read as a mixture of “threat” and “peace offering.”  “Who are you?”  One of the female werewolves, who may or may not be Seventh Heaven Guy’s girlfriend asks.

I love that Klaus’ natural egoism / bratty unloved bastard childness, comes out here, as he poutily demands that the werewolves be asking who HE is, instead.  Honestly, when Klaus uttered the iconic line, “The more important question is ‘Who Am I?,”  I half expected Kristen Bell’s voice to appear in voice over and say, “That’s a secret I’ll never tell.  XOXO.  Gossip Girl!”

Grandiose entrances aside, as it turns out, no introductions were needed, since the same girl who inquired as to Stefan’s identity actually already seemed to know exactly who Klaus was.  “You’re the only hybrid,” she says nervously.

WOW!  I couldn’t help but wonder how this random Tennessee Werewolf knew this.  I mean, is there like some Werewolf Tumblr or Twitter page to which these guys all subscribe to get news updates, as to the new supernatural being in town.  After all, Klaus has only been “the only hybrid,” for a couple of months.  News really must travel fast in Were World.

Tweet me, @BigBadWolf10!

Needless to say,  Klaus is positively THRILLED that he has come to a place, much like the bar Cheers, where EVERYBODY knows his name  .  . . or, if not his name, at least his genus and species.

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It’s time for Seventh Heaven Guy to wake up.  The problem, of course, is that he’s looking a little worse for wear, what with his pale  face, shivering body, and those pesky bloody tears streaming down his face.  (Awwww, buck up, baby!  You’re a special guest star!  This is supposed to be FUN!)

Us TVD fans have become experts in the art of vampire conversion.  So, we know that Seventh Heaven Guy must feed on human blood, in order to complete his transition into full-on hybrid,  or else he will croak.  Fortunately, that female werewolf, who I initially thought was Seventh Heaven Guy’s girlfriend, actually has a human boyfriend, who ends up with the unwelcome job of being BLOOD BANK for the entire soon-to-be-hybridized werewolf pack.

Seventh Heaven Guy — who’s father’s a Man of the Cloth, as many of you know — is initially hesitant to chow down on his human buddy.  But Stefan ultimately convinces the preacher’s son to chow down.  Otherwise, the Ripper warns, he will EAT THE WHOLE DAMN THING, himself (PIG!)

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So, Seventh Heaven Guy gnaws on his friend, thinking he has just done him a solid, by saving him from Ripper Stefan’s Deadly Over-Eating Disorder.  Little does he know that the Poor Pesky Human is about to become a One-Man Werewolf Country Buffet, and, therefore, won’t even survive the next commercial break.  (It’s a real shame too.  Because he was kind of hot.)

Though the werewolves honestly don’t seem all that eager to join Klaus’ Big Bad Hybrid Army (which, so far, seems to have no good reason for existing, other than the fact that Klaus  thinks it’s cool), he eventually converts them all.  And now there’s an ENTIRE FOREST full of shaky pale new baby werevamps with eyes filled with bloody,  leaky tears.

Ahhh  . . . but, therein lies the problem.  You see, once the new were-vamps have fed on human blood, they are supposed to be BETTER, great even!  But these hybrids must have come from the discount store, because they are clearly defective, lumbering around mindlessly, groaning, and more or less, DYING right before Klaus’ and Stefan’s eyes . .  .

“Some Master Race,” scoffs Stefan.

But it turns out that at least ONE of the were vamps isn’t quite as defective as he once appeared.  He quickly takes Stefan by surprise, by suddenly fiercely tackling the just-vampire, and biting him on the arm, in the exact same place where Tyler bit Damon last year.

Kinda looks like a BIG raspberry!

Having seen his brother suffer from were rabies, Stefan knows this isn’t exactly going to be a picnic.  Fortunately, he’s hanging out with an Original Werevamp, the only known carrier of the were-rabies cure, right?

WRONG!  After all, Klaus as we know, is the kind of guy who murders his entire family, and carts their coffins everywhere he goes.  He’s not exactly warm and cuddly.  Quite the contrary, actually.  This is one SERIOUSLY SICK BASTARD.  And this Sick Bastard refuses his supposed partner-in-crime the were rabies cure, UNLESS Stefan can successfully reclaim Seventh Heaven Guy, who has since ran away to parts unknown.

He might not look it in this picture, but I assure you, Hybrid!Seventh Heaven Guy is FAST!

Stefan pouts a bit, but eventually trudges off to find the Lost Camden Brother . . .

“Don’t Trust Vicki. (No Matter How Good of a Dancer She is . . .)

With his sister in Tennessee playing Save Stefan Games with Alaric, and his girlfriend off at Wicked Witch of the West Camp, Jeremy’s a bit bored.  So, he decides to barge in on a half-naked Matt, while the latter is getting ready for work.  (A bit convenient, don’t you think?)

Someone’s been working out since last season . . .

And I’m not the only one who’s noticed . . .

Matt teases Jeremy for being “one of those losers who comes to work on his day off to bang shirtless boys in the backroom.”  But Jeremy has more important things to worry about than whether his new pothead friend thinks he’s a loser.  He wants to play Seance.  And he wants Matt to play with him in more ways than one.

Jeremy explains to a dubious Matt, how, during one of his trademark internet searches, he discovered that ghosts are most likely to make contact with the living when faced with members of their family and their personal affects.  (This reminds me . . . remember, back in Season 1, when Jeremy was just searching for “vampire porn” on the internet, a la Bella Swan?  Good times.)

“Jacob Bella  is HOT!”

Though, initially dubious, Matt reconizes that Jeremy knew a part of Vicki that Matt didn’t necessarily know the slutty sexy part, and decides to direct his new pal to some boxes containing Vicki’s belongings.   Unfortunately, the act of sorting through these belongings ends up depressing Matt so much, that he ends up kicking Jeremy out of the house, right when he’s managed to make directed contact with Matt’s dead sister.

Matt has undoubtedly begun to think that Jeremy is TOTALLY cracked, until “Vicki” knocks over a picture frame containing a picture of the siblings, right in front of Matt.  And, suddenly, he’s a believer.

“IT’S A MIRACLE!”

Cut to later that evening, when Matt comes to Jeremy’s house bearing liquor (hint, hint, wink, wink), and a satchel filled with sex toys Vicki’s belongings.   Before Jeremy even has enough time to utter the words, “Let’s play Strip Ouiji Board,” Vicki appears to him.

And this time, she’s a bit more verbose than she has been in the past, possibly because Jeremy has ACTUALLY decided to ASK her what the f*&k she wants.

“I really just want to dance in my underwear to a Depeche Mode cover band again . . .”

Vicki tells Jeremy that she can be returned to the land of the living, but that she needs Jeremy to help her to do that.  Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you feel about vampire Vicki), the undead-but-now-dead vampire disappears, before Jeremy can get in as much as a word edgewise.  *sigh* Typical ex-girlfriend!

Then BOTH Jeremy AND Matt are startled by the sound of the window breaking.  They assume it’s Vicki again.  But this time it’s Anna.  And she looks PISSED (though, admittedly, that might just be what her perma-ghost face happens to look like).  “Don’t trust Vicki,” Anna warns her former lover.

Watch that brow, Anna . . . There’s no botox in heaven.

Of course, this begs the question of .  . . WHY NOT aside from the fact that she was always kind of a self-absorbed slut, who, in her vampire phase, definitely did try to eat Jeremy for Halloween dinner.?

“So, Basically, I’m a Werewolf. And My Girlfriend’s a Baby Vamp. Does This Mean I’m Grounded?”

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“Honey?   Have you eaten?   Should I get you a dog biscuit, or something?”

Like everyone else in Mystic Falls, Mama Lockwood lately begins every day, with a hard liquor breakfast, laced with vervain, of course.   Tyler heads down the stairs in his bright red, “I just had sex with a vampire” t-shirt, and senses that something is amiss in Lockwood Manor.  “Rough night?”  He asks his mother, nodding his head toward her Drunk Cup.

Why yes, son, I just shot up your girlfriend with a toy Star Trek gun, and locked her in our cellar.  And because I was doing that, I missed my hair appointment.  DAMN THAT B*TCH!”   I’ve just been a bit tired lately,” she says, or something lame like that.

Then, to add insult to injury,  Mama Lockwood has to go and insinuate that Caroline is a PROSTITUTE because she snuck out of the house in the morning, right before being shot without saying goodbye.

To Tyler’s credit, though he’s obviously a bit perturbed by Caroline’s sudden Walk of Shame Escape.  (After all, it IS the Full Moon, and that has become a sort of “ritual” date night for them), he still manages to hold on to his poker face, as he insists to his darling dearest mother, that, NO, his girlfriend is NOT a streetwalker . . .just a bloodsucker.

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Awww!  Now, that’s a glowing compliment, if I ever heard one!

Then, Tyler notes that his Mom’s coffee tastes like sh*t, before heading off to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, where he can hopefully meet up with his Not-So-Much-Streetwalker of a Girlfriend.  (After all, where else could she possibly go?)

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up . . . wait .  . . sorry.  That was my line from last season.”

Once Tyler leaves, Mama Lockwood contacts the Mysterious “Bill” (who’s name continuously makes me think of the Southern vampire on True Blood) to help her with her “vampire situation.”  I love how Mama L refers to Caroline’s entrapment in her basement, as if the poor girl is a roach problem, or bed  bugs, requiring nothing more than an exterminator, and some light fumigation for treatment. . .

Not surprisingly, when “Bill” arrives at the house, he sort of talks like an exterminator (and or a Johnny Cash impersonator, take your pick), coldly promising Mama Lockwood that he will dispose of her “vampire situation,” quickly, so that she does not have to personally dirty her hand with the blood of a Vampire Barbie . . .

Tyler arrives at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  And is clearly disappointed to find that his girlfriend has “bailed” on him.  Of course, as WE lready know, Caroline is a bit  . .  . um . . . indisposed, at the moment, and couldn’t make it.

However, Tyler DOES run into Matt, who, surprise of surprises, is surprisingly KIND and HELPFUL.  For one thing, he actually offers to help Tyler go through his “monthly” change, if Caroline ends up not making it to their date, (which, given all his recent sexual tension with Jeremy, kind of made me wonder . .  .)

Oh, Mattykins!  This could be YOU!

He also, informs Tyler — who notes that the coffee at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls tastes just as bad as his mom’s — that the town sometimes spikes the coffee with vervain as a protective measure.  Suddenly, a lightbulb goes off in Tyler’s head, and he rushes home to confront his mother, who may or may not have just, kind of sort of TRIED TO KILL HIM!

“You’ve got some ‘splaining to DO!”

Now, I have to say, as someone who is typically bored by parent/child scenes on television, I found the confrontation between Mama Lockwood and Tyler to be intensely fun to watch, and exceptionally well acted on both sides.  Never having been one to beat around the bush, Tyler comes right out and asks his mother, why she had the audacity to vervain his coffee.  “Let’s skip the part where you pretend you don’t know about vampires,” he scoffs, when his mother starts doing a little tap dance, in response.

“This is my MAD face . . .”

Having assured herself — as a result of his non-reation to the vervain — that her son is NOT a member of the undead, Mama Lockwood can now fire back about Caroline with full confidence.  “Let’s skip the part where you pretend she’s not one of them,” Mama retorts.  “You can’t be with her.  She’s a MONSTER!”  Tyler’s mom exclaims.

At which point, it FINALLY dawns on Tyler:  Holy crap!  My mom is a total moron! His mother has ABSOLUTELY know clue about the whole Werewolf Curse thing.  (So, tell me something, WHY exactly did she think there was a DUNGEON underneath her house?   For slaves?  I don’t think so!  Someone would have to be either REALLY stupid, or genuinely in denial, not to notice something was amiss here.)

Hey, I resemble that remark. 

Conveniently enough, Tyler has chosen to confront his mother about his werewolfism on, International Werewolf Coming Out Day, otherwise known as “The Full Moon.”  And so, he takes her down to the dungeon, where he promptly begins to shift in front of her TOTALLY horrified ass.

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“See, Mom, this is all your fault, for never taking me to the dentist or the eye doctor, as a child.”

Though we don’t bare witness to the ENTIRE shift, as we have in the past two installments, it seems pretty obvious that Tyler’s body is adjusting to his new form.

And THERE are those awesome nipples again (among other things)! *whistles*

To US, his werewolf transformation appears quicker, more efficient, and less excruciating for our Teen Wolf.  (Of course, I’m not sure Tyler’s mom would agree.)

Speaking of Tyler’s mom, she moved up a few notches in my book for (1) immediately accepting her son’s monstruous condition, without question, despite her obvious predisposition to SHOOT supernaturals first, and ask questions later.  (It kind of makes me wonder how Mama Lockwood would have reacted if her son HAD been turned into a vampire, by Caroline.); and (2) promising Tyler that she will make sure that nothing happens to Caroline.

I’d say it’s a bit too late for that, wouldn’t you, Sweet Cheeks?

That being said, I’m honestly not 100% sure how observing Tyler’s transformation caused Mama Lockwood to be more sympathetic toward VAMPIRES.  Who knows, maybe she figures her son’s Monster Mash life is going to be SO HORRIBLY HAIRY (get it?) that he deserves at least some happiness, in the form of getting laid regularly, even if it is with a bloodsucking blonde baby vamp, who sneaks out of his mansion in the morning . . .

Whatever her actual reasoning might be, Mama Lockwood, true to her word, does promptly call of the dogs (or rather, the DOG), right after she parts ways with her werewolf son.  Unfortunately, for Mama L (and, more importantly, CAROLINE!), Bill the Vampire Slayer has a CLEAR CUT “no backsies,”policy when it comes to making house calls . .  .

“Sorry, I’ve already put the bill for my services in your mailbox, Rich Neighbor . . .”

I mean . . . who the heck does this guy think he IS, anyway?  We are about to find out . . .

Elena Meet Water . . . Water This is Elena.

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ELENA: “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

(A little sloppy on the landing, but a nice-sized splash.  Plus, extra points for entering the water in a partial split.  THAT had to be painful.  All in all, I give it about an 8.2.)

Considering their out werewolf / Ripper Stefan hunting, and are in a SERIOUS time crunch  (They have to get back home, before the full moon, before Elena turns into a pumpkin and/or a werewolf eats her like one.), Alaric and Elena sure seem to be having a grand old time on their little Tennessee hiking trip!  We catch a few snippets of their conversation, which seems to include some mildly flirtatious banter regarding Alaric’s Boy Scout Skills, Rampant Alcholism, and Massive Travel Size Vampire Slaying Arsenal.  (I mean, talk about a jack of all trades!  If only drunken vampire slaying was an Olympic Sport, Alaric would be FAMOUS!)

“Will you marry me and have my babies, Alaric?   I don’t know many human men anymore . . . “

Coming upon a clearing, Alaric and Elena stop hiking long enough for her to offer Alaric the trusty Ring of Immortality, Uncle / Father John left to her in his not-so-much will.  Alaric initially balks at the offering, since it wasn’t really meant for him.  So, Elena pipes in, and reminds him (and us) that the ring won’t work on Elena, because she’s a supernatural being herself . . . (Remember?  She’s a Petrova Doppelganger, a supernatural creature with magical powers that include, being really, really, ridiculously goodlooking, looking just like Katherine, and DYING in weird vampire rituals.)

I must say, as far as super powers go, this one is pretty lame . . .

Alaric responds that Elena should save the ring for future generations of relentlessly stubborn Baby Gilberts.  (AWWW!  Now, I can’t stop picturing what Ian’s and Nina’s Damon’s and Elena’s Elena’s and Some Human Who’s a Doppelganger for Damon’s babies will look like.  Thanks a lot, Alaric!)  While Elena doesn’t necessarily refute the notion that she will one day have Mini Gilberts (She is staunchly against becoming a vampire, after all), she DOES insist that Alaric wear the ring as a “loaner.”

“I’d feel bad if you got killed by something supernatural before Happy Hour,” jokes Elena.  (WOAH!  Who knew Elena Gilbert had a sense of humor?  You go girl!)

Speaking of going, SOMEONE has just pushed Elena into the LAKE!

Yes, I realize I have just used this GIF.  And yes, I want to use it again, because it is just THAT HILARIOUS! 

HAHA!  So, Alaric invited Damon on his little “camping trip,” after all!

“Thanks for the tip, BROTHER,” Damon announces, punching his fellow Team Bad Ass member affectionately on the shoulder.  But Damon doesn’t have time to truly experience a Bromantic Reunion with Alaric (who he probably hasn’t seen, since the last night they spent in bed together — JUST KIDDING!), he has an unruly Miss Gilbert to flirt shamelessly with scold.  Because that little sassypants is NOT getting out of the water, NO SIREE!

So, of course, Damon has to go into the water WITH HER, so that they can be “wet together,” invade one another’s personal space, and eyesex some more, all while pretending to fight about their respective strategies in the Save Stefan Games . . .

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“Hey, can we do the lift, like they do in that Dirty Dancing Movie?  Because THAT would be hot!”

On dry land, Alaric watches with amusement, as this soon-to-be-couple continue to bicker and moon over one another,  as if they aren’t in GRAVE DANGER.  (You know, because TRUE LOVE can make you oblivious to those sorts of things.)

 . . . F*&K Me, right here in the water

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Elena insists that they cannot go home yet, as this is the closest she has come to finding Stefan.  Damon reluctantly agrees to stay, provided they leave by nightfall, otherwise, Damon will undoubtedly increase his odds of getting bitten by a werewolf again, which will undoubtedly mean that Elena will have to crawl into bed and KISS him again, a prospect that both parties pretend to be annoyed by, but secretly, they both find appealing . . .

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(Actually, Damon.  I’d VERY MUCH like to re-live that whole Death Bed Kissy Thing.  But I prefer to do it in the comfort of my own home, if you don’t mind.)

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And so, the twosome climb out of the water, sexually satisfied . . . FOR NOW.  They then reunite with now-clear-third-wheel Alaric on their little Stefan hunt.  And while they don’t find Stefan . . . yet . . . they DO come across dying zombie, were-vamp Seventh Heaven Guy, who’s all hungry, and trying to eat at Damon’s face.  So, of course, us viewers are getting a MAJOR sense of deja vu, and wondering how the HELL our Scooby Gang is going to get themselves out of THIS mess . . .

Now, as much as I often tease my girl, Elena for PERPETUALLY getting her lover boys into trouble, while bringing NOTHING to the table, in terms of actually, I don’t know, KILLING STUFF, she TOTALLY had this one in the bag.  When other various weapons proved ineffective on the Hybrid, she immediately pulled a wolfsbane BOMB out of Alaric’s bag, and tossed it to Damon, just seconds before Seventh Heaven Guy’s teeth made contact with his neck.

Considering all that happened in this hour, it’s amazing when you consider how much FUNNY was packed into it.  We got yet another laugh, when Elena cleverly doused chains with vervain, and asked Alaric to take them, in order to tie the now unconscious Seventh Heaven Guy to a nearby tree.  Damon, of course, being the MACHO MAN that he is, was APPALLED (and probably a little jealous too) at the notion that the HUMAN Alaric could do something that he couldn’t.  And so, without thinking, he grabs the chains from Elena, nearly burning his hand in the process . . .

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But just when we thought it was safe to laugh at Damon and his smarting hand, Seventh Heaven Guy starts to SHIFT.  And now Damon (and the rest of them) are TOTALLY screwed!  Elena (who is undoubtedly having Damon Death Bed Flashbacks for the TWENTIETH time this episode — I know I am) is now tugging on Damon’s shirt, begging him to run with her and Alaric.

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It just occurred to me, that Elena REALLY likes to say Damon’s name . . .  ALOT.  Practice for SHOUTING it in bed, perhaps?

Eventually he does . . . run . . . I mean . . .

But WAIT . . . seemingly seconds later ELENA finds HERSELF face-to-face with a now fully formed werewolf.  (THE ACTION NEVER ENDS!)

“You’re such a GOOD BOY!  Yes, you are!  Yes you are!  (Coincidentally, this is also how I talk to all my boyfriends.)”

So, Damon, once again, being the Big Manly Type that he is, gives chase to the werewolf, to lead him away from his lady love.  He does this, of course, despite knowing that of the three of them (remember, Alaric is wearing that Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality), he has the most to lose.  *sigh, swoon, drool*

Elena is starting to feel a little guilty for being the cause of all these near-death experiences.   (And, quite honestly, SHE SHOULD!)  Nonetheless, Alaric manages to drag her back to the car, while the pair wait for Damon to outrun his wolfy friend and (hopefully) return unscathed  . . .

Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou?

 

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It’s a dark and creepy night, the moon has fully risen, and Damon is alone and seems lost.  Once again, things look bleak . . . or, at least, they would look bleak, if he wasn’t one of the THREE MAIN CHARACTERS of this show.  SURPRISE!  Seventh Heaven Guy pops out of not-necessarily-nowhere, and, once again tries to eat Damon’s face (which, I suspect, must be really, really tasty . . . perhaps,  we’ll have to ask Elena about this, sometime).

But then, STEFAN ARRIVES TO SAVE THE DAY!  HUZZAHHH!  He rips out Seventh Heaven Guy’s heart like it’s his job.

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STEFAN: “My apologies, Seventh Heaven Guy.   But NOBODY picks on my Big Brother, and lives to talk about it.  Not on MY watch.  And besides, you, of all people, should know better, didn’t you get a new sibling every week, on YOUR old show?”

Reverend Camden does not . . .

The Salvatore Brother exchange that followed was FULL of win.  In fact, I preferred it greatly to the one we were treated to, back in “The Birthday,” because this one was REAL.   There was no more posturing, or sniping at one another.  The brothers weren’t trying to scare one another, or prove how bad ass they were.  This was just Damon and Stefan, alone in a forest (unless you count the corpse, which I don’t), caring deeply about eachother, and wanting to fix the situation, but not quite knowing how . . .

“What part of don’t follow me, don’t you understand?” Stefan inquires, echoing his words from their last meeting.

I liked how Damon called Stefan out a bit here, for CLAIMING that he wanted Elena to move on, and get over him, so that he could finish what he started with Klaus, but then, totally going AGAINST that notion, by calling Elena, and, thereby giving her hope.  Though Stefan denied making this call, the sheepish look on his face, told Damon that this was EXACTLY what he had done.

“I’m never coming back . . . Bring Elena back home.  And try to keep her there, this time I can think of a few CREATIVE Damon could do this.   Can’t you?,” Stefan retorts, giving Damon an EQUALLY hard time for putting Elena in danger, like he has.

After all, the threesome came VERY close to being spotted by Klaus.  And if Klaus finds out that Elena is alive . . . well, more on that later . . .

 Of course, what further heightens the intensity of this conversation, is that Stefan truly believes that it will be his last, not because he plans to spend eternity with his new boyfriend Klaus, but because he has a werewolf bite on his arm.  And just like Damon, during HIS brotherly exchange, back in “The Sun Also Rises,” Stefan truly believes that Klaus will refuse to save him, and that death is imminent . . .

Originals Have Feelings Too.  (Who Knew?)

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This must be the day for INTENSE conversations, because Stefan gets to have another one, when he returns back to Klaus’ camp, which is now littered with DEAD hybrids, carrying YET ANOTHER Dead Hybrid.  Stefan has his tail between his legs, because he knows that Klaus wanted Seventh Heaven Guy brought back alive.  And the Ripper has not fully delivered on his promise.

But Klaus has much bigger fish to fry.  His plan to create a were-vamp army is failing and he doesn’t quite know why.  In fact, he probably assumes that Seventh Heaven Guy died like the rest of this werewolf pack did, by bleeding out.  “I don’t understand.  I did everything they told me . . . I killed a werewolf . . . a vampire . . . a Doppelganger . . .”

Sh*t . . .

GULP!  Oh dear!  Just when we thought it was safe to be Elena Gilbert again.  Apparently, Elijah was mistaken in his conjecture that, as long as Elena was TECHNICALLY dead during the Sacrifice Ritual, all would go according to plan.  I mean, in some sense it did, since Klaus has become a true hybrid.  However, there is SOMETHING about Elena’s being alive that prevents Klaus from successfully turning anybody else.

“I knew THAT!  Haha!  Jokes on you, Brother!”

This makes Stefan more certain than ever that he cannot return home for as long as Elena lives, out of risk of losing her life again.  And it makes Klaus . . . LONELY?  Yeah, I was surprised too, especially considering this guy came from a big family, and could have had loads of people to hang with (HELLO! ELIJAH?), as long as he didn’t . . . you know . . . KILL THEM and stuff.

Then again, perhaps that’s the point.  Klaus was never accepted by his family, because they were full vampires, and he was sort-of part werewolf, born to a different father than the rest of his kin.  And maybe that’s what all this ARMY building is all about, creating a family where he actually fits in.  It’s strange, but it’s definitely plausible.

“I failed you.  I’m sorry.  Do what you have to do,” says Stefan, bracing himself for death.

But then Klaus does something surprising . . . for him . . . anyway.  He bites his hand, allows his blood to drip into a bottle of bear, and gives that bottle to Stefan.  He has offered him the cure.  “It appears you are the only comrade I have left,” mopes Klaus, and for about a nanosecond, I actually feel sorry for this lonely little mass murderer, who really just seems, in this moment, like a guy in search of a playmate.

That being said, WHY DIDN’T THE WRITERS LET STEFAN DRINK FROM KLAUS’ ARM?  I mean how much HOTTER and MORE SYMBOLIC would that be?  Just sayin . . .

After the anti-climactic beer drinking takes place, a newly cured Stefan walks off into the moonlight with Klaus, headed toward parts unknown . . .

Meanwhile, in the not-so-parking lot . . .

Oh, Alaric, Not YOU Too!

Now, it’s Elena and Alaric’s turn to have a heart-to-heart.  She wants to run out and save Damon because she looooooooooves him. But Alaric wants her to remain in the car.  “Let the vampires fight it out, out there, I’ll keep the humans safe,” says Alaric, who’s starting to sound an awful lot like his former hero self.

Elena calls him on his sudden change of tune.  And Alaric in turn calls HER out, on being a SUCKER for Lost Causes, which, of course, she totally is . . .Good Old Elena . . . the Classic Fixer Upper of Bad Boys, Drunks, Druggies, Murderers and Cannibals the world over . . .

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But Elena corrects Alaric, and actually says something rather insightful.  She tells him that he is not a Lost Cause.  He is simply LOST, much like perpetual orphans Jeremy and Elena.  None of them have a family.  So, why not make a family of their own?  It sounds like a swimming idea to Alaric, who, let’s face it, is probably a little in love with Elena too . . . just like everyone else on this show, and so he decides to keep the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality as a show of solidarity toward the Gilbert clan . . . and  . . . you know . . . to prove that the recent deaths of all his girlfriends may have turned him into an alcoholic, but it hasn’t made him suicidal.

I would love it if Elena and Alaric shared a hug in this moment.  But what I got instead was MUCH better.  Damon comes barrelling toward the car, wanting immediately to get the HELL out of the mountains, before Elena catches a glimpse of Stefan, or, worse, Klaus catches a glimpse of her!  Of course, Elena has just had an INTENSE conversation with Alaric, and she’s in a sappy mood.

“Can you just give me a minute to appreciate that you are not DEAD!”  Elena exclaims, touching Damon on his deliciously bite-free shoulders, as Alaric looks on with amusement and sympathy, at his poor lovesick friend, being put through the relationship ringer AGAIN.

But Damon doesn’t give her a moment.  He doesn’t even give her the ten seconds he promised, instead he bodily HAULS her ass into the car.  “Damon stop being such a caveman,” she grumbles, but we all know that she secretly thinks cavemen are super sexy . . .

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Ahhh . . . foreplay . . .

As the threesome drive away, we see Stefan staring moonily at the car, as it’s leaving.  Elena seems to sense his presence, but by the time she takes a closer look, he’s already disappeared into the shadows . . .

And now for my FAVORITE scene of the evening.  (As if any of you are surprised . . .)

Me . . . Caveman Damon . . . You . . . Elena . . . We . . . Should REALLY Seriously Consider Having Sex in Your Bedroom (Alaric Can Watch.)

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So, I’ve often mentioned the INSANE number of times Damon and Elena have had serious exchanges in HIS bedroom.  But so far, only TWO key Delena moments have taken place in HERS, and only one of those two does Elena actually remember.  (Actually, Damon was also in Elena’s room during Season 1’s “Under Control,” a.k.a. The Teddy Bear Incident, but that was less iconic, and more adorable.  So, I will refrain from mentioning it again, for ease of reference)

What was so great about this scene, aside from the OBVIOUS, was the insane number of parallels the writers managed to pack in, referencing BOTH earlier iconic bedroom scenes.

First, Elena enters her bedroom, wearing the trademark “cute PJs” she wore, when Damon popped by her bedroom to first profess his love to her in “Rose.”  She sees Damon standing by the window, and wonders out loud, if he is drunk, like the FIRST time he entered her room in “The Return,” a.k.a. The Loathsome to All Delena Fans Jeremy Neck Snap Incident.”

But Damon is NOT drunk this time.  He is stone cold sober, and he has a serious message to deliver to Elena.  The message is that he was wrong.  (GASP!)  I don’t recall Damon ever admitting he was wrong.  This is clearly a first!  It also harkens back to the “Rose” scene, once again, in which Damon tells Elena he doesn’t deserve her, and the music in the background suddenly gets REALLY loud, so that you can hear the singer tell him just how WRONG he is . . .

What was Damon wrong about, this time?  You ask . . . well, remember how I mentioned that, the opening scene was important to the LAST scene, in terms of reflecting both Damon’s and Elena’s changed states of mind, after the episode.   Well, here we are!

Damon has come to the conclusion, much as Elena had earlier, that his brother ISN’T totally gone to the darkside yet, and CAN be saved.  He realized this when Stefan risked everything to save his own brother’s life.  It’s actually pretty cute, when Damon refers to his baby bro as a martyr who deserves to have his ass kicked, because it’s SUCH a Big Bro thing to say . . . So, Damon agrees to help Elena SAVE Stefan.

But that’s not all, in a scene, highly reminiscent of “The Return,” in which Damon tried to get Elena to admit that he loved her, AND, oddly enough, Caroline’s and Tyler’s “I care about you, OK!  I care about you!” First Kiss Moment, Damon forces Elena to admit that when faced with losing Damon’s life, she gave up the search for Stefan in the woods, earlier than was necessary.

“I didn’t want to see you get hurt.   I was worried about you,” Elena admits to a LEANING in Damon, who smiles knowingly before walking away.

Interestingly enough, it’s ELENA, who calls him back . . . much like Caroline did in HER parallel scene.  She has more to say.  And she’s going to make Damon hear it.  “Yes, I worry about you,” she says with obvious emotion and frustration in her voice.  “Why do you even have to hear me say it?”

Then Damon pulls her close to him.   Tugging on her hair affectionately, and cupping her delicate face in his hands appreciatively.  After all, she has given him so much more in those words than he could have hoped for.  After all, the question wasn’t really about HIS needing reassurance that Elena cared about him . . . he got that, back in the Season 2 Finale.  This was about ELENA finally realizing it for herself.

They look one another, right in the eyes, intensely, their faces just inches apart, feeling eachother’s breath on their faces.  And then Damon says, very softly, the most beautiful words imaginable, because they are sweet, heartfelt, self-sacrificing, and SO much in line with this New Reluctant Hero Damon, who is tasked not only with keeping Elena alive, but also with keeping her happy.

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“Because, when I drag my brother back from the edge and deliver him back to you. I want you to remember the things you felt when he was gone.”

And then Damon full of class, exits Elena’s room, leaving her alone to her undoubtedly dirty thoughts, and the judgy eyes of a suitcase toting Alaric, who witnessed the entire exchange (The door was open, after all!), while in the process of moving himself back into the Gilbert home.)

“Do you know what you’re doing there?” Alaric inquires, it’s a benign enough question, but the concerned and knowing look on Alaric’s face lets Elena know exactly to what he’s referring.

“I don’t know,” Elena replies honestly, and more than a bit guiltily . . .

You may not know what your going to do with Damon, yet, Elena . . .But rest assured, you will SOON! 😉

Oh, and since I LOVED this scene, so VERY, VERY MUCH, I’ve decided to include it for your viewing pleasure, here.  Just click on the internal link, and watch, and rewatch to your hearts content . . .

In completely UNRELATED, and NON-ROMANTIC NEWS, Caroline’s IN SOME SERIOUS DEEP SH*T right now.  And that sh*t’s got a name . . .

Who’s Your DADDY?  (a.k.a. Parents Just DON’T Understand . . .)

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And the award for TVD Character with the WORST PARENTS EVER goes to . . . BABY VAMP FORBES!  (Tell her what she’s won, Bob!)

So, of course, as most of you already know, this week’s TVD episode ended on the massive cliffhanger that Vampire Slayer BILL is actually Caroline’s Big Gay Dad.

Look . . . it’s an Evil Elvis Impersonator Caroline’s Dad!

The look she gives the creepy guy from Heroes her seemingly cold, unfeeling father, while CHAINED UP in a dungeon for what seems like the 500th time, in her short life as a baby vamp, is extra special heartbreaking, because you just KNOW that a part of her still believes he’s actually there to SAVE her.  Seriously, is it any wonder Girlfriend has TRUST issues?

But the good news, Caroline, is that you’ve WON the AWARD for Sh*ttiest Parents in Mystic Falls.   I mean, that has to count for something, right.   After all, the Bad Parents Competition is MIGHTY STEEP in this town.  Let’s see, we’ve got Damon and Stefan, who’s dad SHOT them, rather then have them live as fangbangers.  (But Stefan ate him, so I feel like we’ve gotta cut the guy a little slack.)  Then there’s Matt’s Mom, who left Matt and his slutty sister to fend for themselves (Didn’t work out so well for Vicki?  Did it?), while she MACKED WITH MATT’S BEST FRIEND up against a WALL at a party!

(By the way, it just occurred to me that Tyler generally seems to prefer vertical sex . . . interesting . . . perhaps it’s a Wolf Thing.)

Tyler’s Dad slapped him around a lot.  But oddly enough, the fact that he NEVER ACTUALLY TRIED TO KILL HIM, actually puts him near the top of the parenting list in this effed-up town.

Same goes for Tyler’s Mom, who SHOT AND KIDNAPPED HIS GIRLFRIEND, but again, never tried to kill Tyler.  So, YAY for her . . . I guess.

Only ONE of Elena’s bio parents (Isobel) tried to kill HER, by turning her over to Klaus for the Sacrifice, but she was under compulsion at the time so . . . there’s that.

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“I can fly higher than a vampire bat, but you are the wind beneath my wings.”

(Let’s not forget the whole Committing Suicide in Front of her Daughter Thing.)

And her bio dad, Uncle/Father John pretty much tried to kill THE ENTIRE TOWN EXCEPT Elena, which, oddly makes him a comparatively “good” parent as well.

Rounding out the list are Jeremy’s definitely DEAD parents, and Bonnie’s invisible parents, who are probably hanging out in Hogwarts somewhere.  (Definitely Deatheaters!)

Mr. Voldemort Bennett

This, of course, brings me back to LIZARD FORBES, and Vampire HUNTER BILL, BOTH of whom have now taken measures to MURDER Caroline . . . oh, I’m sorry.   I meant “cure” her.

“Hey, Recapper!  I’ve been helping the sister of the kid I, more or less, KILLED find her Vampire Boyfriend!  So, I’m ‘good’ now.  Didn’t you get the memo?” 

So, yeah, that’s pretty much where we are now.  Stefan and Klaus are still out frolicking.  Jeremy and Matt are getting it on chilling with the ghost girls.  Alaric has moved his Chunky Monkey back into his dead girlfriend’s bed.  Damon and Elena are DEEPLY IN LOOOOOOOOVE continuing to take turns barging into eachother’s bedrooms, for daily, and nightly eye-sex/personal space invastion / Will they? Won’t they? makeout sessions.  And Caroline is sitting pretty in Evil Daddy’s dungeon, while he decides whether he’s down with her “alternative lifestyle.”  (See what I did there?)

Tune in next week, when Klaus takes Stefan on a fantastic voyage back to Boardwalk Empire . . . er . . . I mean the 1920’s, Poor Caroline gets her ass kicked some more (SAVE HER, TYLER!  SAVE HER!), and Damon and Elena prepare to set off on their next rescue mission together.  You can check out the promo for the episode, here:

And that’s more or less, all she wrote, for NOW anyway.  Now, it’s YOUR turn.  Did you LOVE this episode as much as I did?  Were you digging all the ho-yay between Stefan and Klaus / Matt and Jeremy?  Are you counting down the episodes before the SECOND inevitable Delena makeout sesh?  What about Caroline?  Has our kickass Vampire Barbie eclipsed Jeremy as the resident TVD punching bag?  Please sound off in the comment section below.

Until then, Hasta La Vista, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

High, Horny, Hot, Headless, and Hungry (HOORAY!) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 3 Premiere “The Birthday”

I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes I get a bit over-excited when images of Naked Damon appear on my television screen.  For example, this evening, I was just minding my own business, watching the TVD Season Premiere, when the above picture popped up before me.  Then THIS happened . . .

Dammit!  It is REALLY inconvenient to have your head fall off, when you are trying to watch a show!   You know, if Stefan hadn’t come by to “put me back together,” I would never have been able to write this recap!

Well, hello Fangbangers!  It has been WAY too long, since I’ve had the opportunity to spend an evening with you!  I mean, I can’t believe how long it has been, since I used this picture in a recap . . .

Actually, I’m pretty sure, I just used this a couple of days ago  . . .

Fortunately, tonight’s TVD Season Premiere MORE than made up for the criminally lengthy summer hiatus, by giving us fangbanging fangirls (and fanboys) everything we could POSSIBLY want in a new TVD episode.

I mean, think about it,  there was a kickass keg party, Delena, obligatory nudity, Delena, SUPER HOT Forwood sex, Delena, homoeroticism galore, Delena, bloody bites and kills, Klaus antics, Ripper Stefan, Delena, people getting REALLY REALLY high and wasted on prime time TV, Delena, Team Bad Ass, Delena cool special guest stars, Delena, a massive cliffhanger, and did I mention Delena?

So lather up, My Lovelies, and break out your dancing shoes . . . because SOMEONE in Mystic Falls is about to turn LEGAL!

And it’s NOT Katherine . . . because she turned legal about 485 years ago . . . 

(By the way, special thanks to my good pal Andre, who has created all the fabulous screencaps you see here.  It’s a tough job poring over all those sexy scantily-clad bodies, for hours on end . . . But SOMEBODY has to do it . . .)

Always End Your Life Evening, With a “Little Southern Hospitality” . . .

“Why are you doing this to me?  Haven’t you read my blog?  I’m TEAM KLAUS!” 

Word to the wise, ladies . . . if a stranger shows up in your backyard, and feels the need to tell you that he’s “not a serial killer,” there’s a really good chance he wears women’s lingerie for fun, and has enough dead bodies in his closet to put on a stage production of “A Chorus Line.”

“Hey, I resemble that remark.” 

What better way to kickstart a season than with a gruesome double homicide?  I mean, come on . . . even if we HADN’T seen this Random Anonymous Girl’s head tumble off her bloody body in the trailers, we’d know she was a goner, the minute she stepped outside to retrieve her absentee dog, for one simple reason: WE’VE NEVER SEEN HER BEFORE!

Though, I must say, to Random Anonymous Girl’s credit (hereinafter “RAG #1”), she was a heck of a lot smarter than the First Kills in most horror films.  Consider this . . . Despite the fact that Klaus was ridiculously charming, with his faux Southern accent, and his lame, but oddly adorable, story about how his car broke down up the road, RAG#1 was not about to voluntarily let this stranger into her house.  NO SIR!

“Aren’t you even the least bit curious what a True Hybrid’s Weiner looks like?” 

Though RAG #1 is polite enough to let Klausipoo use her cell phone to call for a tow truck, since his phone is conveniently “out of juice,” she insists on bringing it outside to him, rather than letting him “come and get it,” himself.  Klaus complains that this is not what he considers “Southern Hospitality.” (The house in question is located in Tennessee.)  But RAG #1 isn’t Southern.  She’s from FLORIDA . . . land of Oranges . . . Mickey Mouse . .  . and people who don’t invite psychos into their homes, for no good reason.

“Suck it, Were Vamp!”

But, you see, here’s the problem with the whole “Vampires can’t enter homes unless invited” rule . . . Unless you are wearing your Trusty Vervain Necklace, a good vampire can MAKE YOU DO ANYTHING HE WANTS, including INVITE HIM INTO YOUR HOUSE.  So, you’re pretty much screwed either way, as RAG#1 quickly learns . . .

Inside the house, we meet RAG#2, who’s just as sassy as  RAG#1, and just as unwilling to be hospitable to the Poor Unfortunate Klaus . . .

“I’m not Southern either.  I’m from the Bronx, B*TCH!” 

 But it turns out, there’s a method to Klaus’ madness.   After all, he happens to know that RAG #1 and RAG#2 have a third roommate . . . a WEREWOLF ROOMMATE . .  . one who comes home once a month to “go through his changes” in the basement.   At first, RAG#2 tries to cover for her wolfy friend.  However, as soon as it becomes apparent that Klausipoo won’t take no for an answer, she eventually gives up the goods.

And that’s when Stefan comes in . . .

Mind if I borrow a cup of sugar?”

You see, the Original Were Vamp, is just too Big and Powerful to be bothered with such petty insignificant tasks as MURDERING PEOPLE, so he has his new boyfriend do the dirty work for him.  But Klaus isn’t completely heartless.  He rewards RAG#1’s “kindness,” by instructing Stefan to give her a faster, less painful, death than RAG#2.  (How sweet?)  Then, he gleefully skips off to his car (which, is in total working order, by the way), while Mini Me finishes the job .  . .

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HOTTEST . . . DEATH . . . SCENE . . . EVER!

Uh oh!  It looks like SOMEONE needs a bib . . .

Always Start Your Morning, By Washing Your “Baby Elephant” .  . .

“My, how you have grown, Little Brother . . . (and I’m not talking about your height).”

From Tennessee, we head back to Mystic Falls, where Mopey Sad Emo Music is playing, while Mopey Sad Elena stares out the window, longing for her long lost Hungry Hungry Hippo of a Boyfriend . . .

*sigh* “I’m so sad and lonely.  I haven’t had sex, since Damon screwed my brains out, two nights ago ALL SUMMER.  I wonder if it’s possible for one’s hymen to grow back, from lack of use  . . .”

 But don’t feel too bad for Elena.  There is hope for her, yet!  After all, she is wearing her Trusty Ponytail.  And whenever Ponytail Elena comes to town, fun times are never far behind . . .

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It becomes apparent that, in Useless Aunt Jenna’s absence, Elena has assumed the “motherly” role in the Gilbert household.  Immediately upon waking, Elena heads to a Holy-Crap-When-Did-He-Get-So-Buff, Almost-Death-Definitely-Becomes-Him Jeremy’s bedroom to wake him up for his new job at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls .  . .

“Dreaming about Vicki Anna my Bon Bon has given me a Bone Bone . . .”

Elena then heads downstairs to help Couch Surfing Chunky Monkey Alchy-ric make some coffee, as she chats on the phone with an overly perky Caroline, who, despite it obviously still being very early in the morning, is already laden down with shopping bags.   (Because, even though Mystic Falls only has one bar / social establishment, it is somehow awash in shopping malls.)

“Is this where you pour the vodka?” 

Since Caroline is meeting Future Sex Toy Tyler for Lunch, she doesn’t have much time to talk to the birthday girl.  So, she simply reminds her about the evenings party plans, and instructs her to call Lizard Forbes, who, apparently has a new tip for her about Stefan’s possible whereabouts.

So, of course, Ponytail Elena has to head directly to DAMON’S BEDROOM to tell him all about it, right? (hint, hint, wink, wink)  Unfortunately, for her, though, Damon isn’t there alone . . . He’s got a LADY FRIEND with him . .  . one that might look a bit familiar to some of you.  ME!  IT”S ME!  No it’s not.  😦  But, I wish it was . . .

“I’m BAAAACK!  (For another twenty minutes, anyway.)” 

So, remember how last season, Damon compelled Andie to go away, and never come back, when he got too overwhelmed with his feelings for Elena to continue the Crazy Compulsion Charade, he had going on with a certain local newscaster?  Yeah, well, so much for that.  Now, she’s back to wandering around La Casa de Rich and Awesome, like she owns the place, and commenting about Damon’s Bad Champagne Breakfast Habits, while he bathes in his Teeny Tiny Tub.  (Champagne Breakfast?  What happened to the Bourbon Breakfast?)

Chicks dig champagne. Bourbon is for the bros, yo!

Then again, the fact that Andie is able to sass Damon the way that she does in this scene — even going as far as to say that she is “not his slave” (Oh, if only she knew!) — illustrates that our Bad Boy may finally be growing up . . . orrrr . . . maybe not . . .

Immediately, upon hearing Elena enter his bedroom, Damon struts toward her, in all his naked glory, not so subtly giving her a peek at the Baby Elephant (with the massively LONG trunk) responsible for blowing bubbles all over his unmentionables . . .

“Here’s looking at YOU, Ponytail Elena.”

Elena tries to carry on a conversation with Damon about Stefan’s possible whereabouts, but, honestly, she seems a bit distracted .  . . And how could she not be when that Baby Elephant keeps waving his trunk at her, begging her to come and play . . .

“Not now, Little Elephant . . . I’m busy . . .” 

“Damon, we really have to find . . .you’re weiner  . .  . sooo big . .  . must . . . touch . .  . ummm . . . wait . . .What was I saying?” 

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“Hey Elena, my eyes are up here!”

Damon initially blows off Elena’s Hot Tip from Lizard Forbes About Stefan’s Whereabouts, claiming that it will probably be another stale lead, just like all the rest.  And yet, after she leaves, we see him put the piece of paper containing the tip on a BIG ASS STALKER BOARD in his closet, which is completely FILLED with similar “Where in the World is Stefan Salvatore?” clues.  Apparently, he, Andie, and Alaric have been on the case, all summer, without Elena’s knowledge.  And you just KNOW Ponytail Elena is not going to like that ONE BIT, when she finds out . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

Come to The Mystic Grill: Where the Food’s So Good, Even the Dead Can’t Stay Away . . .

“Oh crap!  I’m starting to itch.  I think Ghost Vicki just gave me Ghost Crabs.” 

“I’m sorry about that.  I think I got them from this guy named Casper.  They don’t call him the ‘Friendly Ghost’ for nothing.”

Newly Buff Jeremy is hanging out in the kitchen at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, chatting on the phone with his BonBon . . .

She apparently, spent the summer somewhere elsewhere (Hogwarts, perhaps?), though I’m honestly not sure where she would go, considering her grandma is already dead, and I’ve come to the conclusion that she doesn’t actually have parents.

Speaking of BonBon and JerBear, have you ever noticed that HALF of their relationship takes place on technological devices, like Skype and the iPhone?  How NERDY is that?  Even if Jeremy WASN’T hanging out with his dead ex-girlfriends all the time, I would take this as a BAD SIGN for the future of their relationship.  I mean, cyber sex is fun and all.  But it doesn’t exactly keep you warm at night, if you catch my drift . . .

“I’m magically sending you a blow job sex vibes through the phone, JerBear . . .” 

Jeremy apparently, hasn’t gotten around to telling Bonnie about his Ghosts of Girlfriends’ Past, probably because (1) it’s pretty much HER FAULT that he’s seeing them in the first place  (That’s what happens when you piss off Dead Witches, by asking them for help every five minutes); and (2) he doesn’t want her to feel guilty . . . or jealous.

Enter Matt the Grouch, who’s insisting that Jeremy take over his section, because he doesn’t want to serve soon-to-be lovebirds his former best friend Tyler, or his former girlfriend, Caroline, who are eyef*cking eachother so intensely at their table, that baby werevamps may very well be inches away from popping out of Caroline’s vampire uterus . . .

“Harder . . . harder Tyler, yes!”

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?”

 Blatant eyesex aside, Caroline just CAN’T, for the life of her, understand why Tyler’s MOTHER would possibly think the two of them are DATING?  I mean, what on EARTH would give her THAT idea . . .

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“We’re practically f*&king together all the time, Caroline.  It’s not much of a leap,” explains Tyler with smirk, mixed with naughty thoughts, adoration, and longing.

As seems to be the norm on this show, we once again have a male character who’s caught on to the extent of his romantic feelings, more quickly than his female counterpart.  And the fact that a formerly, Wham Bam, Thank You Random Slut guy like Tyler loves Caroline enough, that he’s willing to spend the entire summer in the Supposed Friend Zone, just for the opportunity to be close to her, says an awful lot about how far he’s come since Season 1 . . .

Mommy LIKE! 

Speaking of a couple who  are trying to deny that they have the hots for one another, let’s check back in on Klaus and Stefan, shall we?

“Come with me, Stefan .  . . on a magical journey into my pants.” 

We’re Not in Seventh Heaven Anymore . . .

“Hey there, Stefan.  Can I just tell you, I’m a huge fan.  And I’m so honored to get to be a guest star on this wonderful show.  Wait. .  . you want me to WHAT?   STAND STILL, AND HAVE DARTS THROWN REPEATEDLY AT MY HEAD AND OTHER UNMENTIONABLE PARTS OF MY BODY?  That’s not cool!  Can’t I be the guy who has sex with Caroline, instead?”

So, apparently, that werewolf who Klaus and Stefan have been looking for all summer has a name, and that name is Ray.  Unfortunately, for “Ray,” I’m just going to call him Seventh Heaven Guy, because that’s who he will forever be to me . . .

Seriously, don’t you want to just pinch his cute little face right off?  (I know Stefan does . . .)

Apparently, Klaus has been having a REALLY difficult time finding werewolves to join his Little Werevamp Club, considering Stefan and Co. killed most of them, last season.  Seventh Heaven Guy seems like his only viable option.  So, Klaus would really like the hairy blonde to take him to his pack leader.

“Hey, don’t I know you from that TV show with the guy from Teen Wolf, and the girl who dated Justin Timberlake?”

Watching Klaus and Stefan attempt to “negotiate” with Seventh Heaven Guy, you really start to get a sense of their “team dynamic.”  Sure, Stefan is technically “working” for Klaus, but there’s also a little bit of a Mutual Admiration Society going on here.  While Klaus acts as the Brains and the Mouthpiece of the Operation, Stefan stands beside him as the Silent Enforcer, patiently waiting to strike the pair’s next unwitting victim.  In some sense, this makes Stefan more frightening than Klaus, because you never really know what’s going on behind those cold, hungry eyes of his . . .

Another interesting thing about this NEW incarnation of Stefan, he KICKS ASS at compulsion.  Back in the first two seasons of the show, we almost NEVER saw Stefan compel anybody.  That was always more Damon’s bag.  There were a couple of reasons for this.  The first, was that, while on his bunny diet, Stefan didn’t have the strength to be particularly successful at compulsion.

He MAY have compelled the bunnies, though . . . 

The second was that Stefan was always “the good brother.”  And “good brothers” don’t mind control . . .

And yet, here, we learn that Ripper Stefan has compelled an ENTIRE BAR not to help Seventh Heaven Guy, while he is being tortured!  Now, that’s impressive  .  . .

Almost as impressive as a Double De-Hearting.  (We miss you, Elijah!) 

Speaking of compulsion, Seventh Heaven Guy claims he can’t be compelled, which is interesting, to say the least.  Is Seventh Heaven Guy on vervain, or is there something about werewolves (like Tyler) that makes them immune to compulsion?  Klaus was able to compel the girls in the first scene, but it is uncertain whether those two were ACTUALLY werewolves, or just friends with one.  (I’m assuming the latter, since Klaus would have probably wanted them as part of his army TOO, if they were the former.)

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Anywhoo . . . Stefan decides to elicit the whereabouts of his pack from Seventh Heaven Guy, by playing a little game called Truth or Wolfsbane.  However, he ends up just randomly throwing darts at his head . . .  which shouldn’t be funny, but TOTALLY IS!

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I wonder how much harder you have to throw a dart to get it to stick in someone’s brain, like that.  Surely, that should be worth extra points, don’t you think?

Reverend Camden would NOT approve . . . 

 While he’s retrieving his darts from Seventh Heaven Guy’s face, we see a little glimpse of Stefan’s old humanity, when he overhears Klaus talking to a random bar wench about how Damon is following him, and must be stopped.  Though Stefan promises to “take care” of his brother, you can tell, based on the expression on his face, that he also wants to protect him from falling into Klaus’ clutches.  Klaus, slyly accepts Stefan’s offer, and turns his attention back to Seventh Heaven Guy, who has finally given him the information he needs.

Klaus then lays Seventh Heaven Guy, Jesus-Style, on a dirty bar table . . .

Inappropriate?

 Once he’s got him in this precarious position, Klaus proceeds to indoctrinate Seventh Heaven Guy into his Big Happy Werevamp family, by feeding him his blood . . .

It sure beats Breast Feeding! 

 . .  . and KILLING HIM!

So, basically, after the first Were Vamp is formed, via sacrifice, subsequent were vamps can be formed pretty much in the same way regular vampires are, except they have to drink a HYBRID’S blood, instead of just a regular vampires.  Of course, this begs the question about the OTHER two individuals who drank Klaus’ blood (Damon and Katherine), who were ALREADY undead when they drank.  Could THEY turn into were-vamps too?

Hmmm . .  . I wonder . .  . 

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Tennessee (because, apparently, it’s like really close to Mystic Falls, Virginia .  . . or something) . . .

Have Blood, Will Travel . . . 

Stefan Salvatore: Turning Girls into Mr. Potato Head, One Dismembered Body Part at a Time .  . .

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“Hey Alaric, up for a game of soccer?”

Alaric and Damon arrive at RAG #1 and RAG #2’s house to find the two girls just chilling on the couch, waiting for Team Badass to arrive.  Then one of them gets so excited at the prospect of seeing Damon, that she loses her head.   (Wouldn’t you?)  Having spent eternity with his brother, Damon immediately recognizes this as Stefan’s Signature Kill.  Apparently, Ripper Stefan gets so hungry while he’s eating that he blacks out, and forgets what he’s doing . . .

Then, he wakes up, and feels guilty.   So, he decides to reassemble  all the body parts he previously ripped / ate off.  How chivalrous of him . . . but also kind of dull.  I mean, why just reattach the SAME head, to the SAME body, when you could MIX AND MATCH?

Psychopath Cannibal FAIL! 

Being the dutiful big bro, Damon kindly torches the house, to protect Stefan’s . . . umm . . . reputation or something?  (Then again, perhaps, he just knew RAG #1 and RAG#2 had a solid fire insurance policy?)

“It really is a shame to put this good head to waste.” 

Speaking of getting and giving head . .  .

“I hope you get lucky, tonight!”

You STOLE my balls, Care!  Give them back (or else, I’ll come over there and take them, by force)” 

Oh my goodness!  How WHIPPED is Tyler, that he actually allowed himself to get roped in to HELPING Caroline and Elena set up for the party?  (Caroline is officially my HERO!)  Elena mentions to her friends that she doesn’t think Damon is trying hard enough to find Stefan, at which point, Tyler can’t help but add his own two cents.  “Maybe he doesn’t WANT to find him?  I mean . . . he’s into you, right?  And you kissed him?  You probably messed with his head!”

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Now, I gotta say, as misplaced and inappropriate as that comment was (and we’ll get to that, in just a bit), Tyler has a point here!  Elena’s declaration that her smooch with Damon was a “goodbye kiss, without the “goodbye,” seems more than a little convenient, in light of recent events.  OF COURSE, it’s going to have an impact on Damon’s psyche that the woman he loves FINALLY made out with him, dying or not . . .  Then again, Damon IS, unbeknownst to Elena, searching for his brother, anyway  . . . so, perhaps, he’s just a bit more “evolved” than Tyler, who, as an only child (LIKE ME!) might not be able to quite grasp the notion of Brotherly Love . . .

Speaking of LOVE, Caroline is NOT TOO PLEASED with Tyler’s little gossipy comment  . . .

And I have to say, while I think it’s adorable that Caroline and Tyler have become close enough “girlfriends,” that Caroline feels free to gossip with him about stuff like this, if I was Elena, I’d be none too pleased with my best friend for sharing my PRIVATE SECRETS with her soon-to-be boyfriend.  Elena doesn’t seem too upset by it, though . . . which is oddly, un-Elena-like of her, don’t you think?  (Perhaps, the PONYTAIL has something to do with that?)

“My ponytail doesn’t care about secrets.  It just wants to f*ck Damon senseless PARTY!”

Speaking of boundaries, Caroline and Tyler, not only don’t seem to have them with Elena, they clearly don’t have any with ONE ANOTHER either.  Observe the candid nature of the pair’s conversation about Tyler’s decision to bring, “Slutty Sophie” (as Caroline calls her) to Elena’s party.  After all, Tyler explains, he’s pretty much been in a DRY SPELL, ALL SUMMER, because he’s spent most it painting Caroline’s toenails and braiding her hair, rather than getting himself laid  . . .

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Tyler’s not the only one who’s sexually frustrated.  Caroline’s crazed for weiner, as well!  And though the pair both chalk their newfound sexual urges up to “supernatural emotions,” I’d venture to guess it has much more with their both being victim to “normal teenage hormones” . . . not to mention the fact that they are . . . “both secretly in love with one another.” 😉

BAM . . . look who just got impregnated. 

Elsewhere, on the OVERWHELMING SEXUAL TENSION front . . .

“It’s Your Party, and You’ll Almost Kiss Damon Cry if You Want To.”

DAMON: “I’m going to pretend that I’m having trouble putting on your necklace, so that I can continue to blow on your neck, and sexily massage your shoulders.”

ELENA:  “And I’m going to lean backwards exaggeratedly, thereby making it much easier for you to ‘accidentally’ fondle my breasts.”

Elena is in Stefan’s room, for a change, getting ready for her party, when she sees Damon watching her through the mirror.  Though the Petrova Doppelganger is clearly, teary and emotional, she ruefully promises not to cry before they cut the cake.  “Hey, it’s your party, you can cry if you want to,” Damon jokes, with just the right amount of concern, sympathy, and lightheartedness . . .

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Damon notices a picture of Stefan and Elena on the dresser, immediately understands the effect it being their must have on Elena (Remember he TOO, is no stranger to pining for potentially lost causes.), and gently gripes about what a pack rat Stefan has become.  (This of course, is another difference between the brothers, since, aside from that MASSIVE SOAP DISH, Damon’s bedroom / bathroom suite is comparatively minimalist.)

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“Oh for Heaven sake!  Will you STOP bringing up the Soap Dish?”

The fact that Damon chose to “re-gift” to Elena the vervain necklace she had first received from Stefan to protect herself from DAMON, of all people, was incredibly sweet and meaninful.  Not only did it illustrate Damon’s understanding of Elena’s feelings for Stefan, it also called to mind the evolution of the DELENA  RELATIONSHIP.  After all, these two have a quite extensive history with that necklace . . .  For starters, there was the time back in Season 1, where Elena willingly took off the vervain necklace, to show Damon that he could trust her (and that she had come to trust him).

And, of course, who could forget the time Damon returned Elena’s necklace to her, in Season 2, only AFTER telling her that he loved her, for the first time, and compelling her to forget it . . .

I love how Elena ASKED Damon to put the necklace on for her, as opposed to the other way around.  I also love the way they stood in the mirror, after he did it, silently observing one another, with tension and longing . . .

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And I DEFINITELY love the way they CLEARLY almost kissed, when Damon first gave her the necklace, and how they bravely walked to the party, arm-in-arm together,  after the gift exchange . . .

ELENA: “My, what big lips you have, Damon!” 

DAMON: “The better to suck your face with, Elena.”

Geez! Do you think I used the word LOVE enough in this section? 😉

Speaking of love, there’s yet another new bromance in town . . .  (Am I noticing a pattern here?)

High Times with Matt and Jeremy (Drunk Times with Alaric and Damon)

First off, I want to say how INCREDIBLY lame it is that Elena’s so-called Bestie, Bonnie, couldn’t even be bothered to make it to her 18th birthday.  FRIEND FAIL!

Oh, WIPE YOUR NOSE! 

Beyond that, Elena’s birthday party was AWESOME!  They don’t have NEARLY enough ragers, in Mystic Falls, in my opinion.  I mean, sure, we’ve seen dances, and movie nights, memorials, and fundraisers.  But these kids are in HIGH SCHOOL for crying out loud.  And what’s high school, without a good old fashioned KEGGAR!  It was really cool to see these uptight supes let loose, for once.

I mean, we get to see Damon and Alaric drink ALL THE TIME!

But watching Elena grab Damon’s cup of bourbon, right out of his hand and chug it down . . .

 .  . . when he wouldn’t let ANYONE ELSE touch his stash . . .

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 . . . watching Caroline chug wine straight from a bottle (more on her, later), and watching an unusually laidback Matt bond with Jeremy over some quality reefer, was just SUPER SATISFYING on so-many levels.  I mean, you can’t battle evil ALL THE TIME, right?

But, since we ARE on the subject of evil . . .

Dead Times with Sex Toy Andie

We knew Stefan was going to have to find a way to “take care” of Damon, in order to prevent Klaus from taking matters into his own hands.  But I don’t think many of us save those who figured it out from the trailers figured his manner of “taking care” of his brother would be this drastic . . .

We randomly find ourselves in the Mystic Falls news room, where Sex Toy Andie is working late, once again.  Suddenly, a light shines in her face, and Stefan materialized before her.  What’s kind of sad is how HAPPY she is to see Stefan, since, she of course, remembers him as the GOOD BROTHER . . .  Then he gets all veiny on her, and she’s probably considering suggesting some Botox options . . .

Enter Damon, who’s clad in blue, while Stefan is clad in his older brother’s trademark black . . .

He’s just received a phone call from Elena, who, after having been told by Caroline that she’s “letting her life pass her by,” finally FOUND his Stefan Stalker Stash.  And she is NOT PLEASED AT ALL!

“Wow, Damon has kind of girly handwriting.”

“Gotta go break up beer bong!” Damon snarks, in an exaggeratedly high pitched voice, that is one step above doing that thing where you blow into the phone and pretend there’s a bad connection, when you don’t want to talk to someone.  (Not that I’ve ever done that, of course.)

Anywhoo, BLACK-CLAD BADASS Stefan approaches Damon, with the words, “Hello Brother,” a nice throwback to Damon’s first words in the pilot . . .

The pair chat amiably for a bit about Stefan’s binge-eating, and Mr. Potato Head creation tendencies.  But Stefan is cold, stiff, and immobile, kind of like a dead guy . . . or undead guy, rather.  He’s not even moved by the mention of Elena, when, usually the mere utterance of her name is enough to spiral the “Good Brother” into hysterics .  . .

And that’s when EVVVVILL Stefan reveals his Big Take Care of Damon magic trick.  With a flourish of his hands, Stefan shows Damon a crying compelled Andie, who is shaking and crying, high above the two brothers on the rafters . . .

A surprisingly frantic Damon, tells her not to move.  Unfortunately (or, fortunately, depending on your feelings about the Sex Toy), Stefan has the compelled the news reporter to do just that.  And so Andie bungee jumps without a chord from the rafters, as Stefan pushes his brother up against a wall, so that he can’t catch her . . .

Sure, the scene was sad.  But, you must admit, that Damon’s face in this picture is HILARIOUS! 

I had always suspected that Damon had come to respect and care about Andie as more than a sex toy / slave.  But it really became apparent, when he leaned dejectedly over her broken and dead body, unable to do anything but say goodbye .  .  . both to his sort-of girlfriend, and his brother’s humanity . . .

 R.I.P. Andie!  Here’s a small tribute to your memory . . .

OK . . . so that was more of a tribute to Damon.  But HEY, it’s the thought that counts, right?

On a MUCH, MUCH lighter note . . .

Speaking of Sex Toys . . .

Bland-But-Slightly -More-Tolerable-When-He’s-Stoned Matt tries to flirt with Caroline, and is abruptly SHOT DOWN!

(Try not to take it personally, Matt.  Jer Bear still loves you!) 

As it turns out, Caroline’s WAY to busy being jealous of Slutty Sophie’s humping of Tyler on the dance floor to give two craps about her ex-beau . . .

Wow, who knew Tyler was so good at Dance Floor Humpage?  VERY impressive! 

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(Clearly, Caroline agrees with me.)

Tyler and Caroline get into a heated argument, after Caroline jealously compels Slutty Sophie to leave the party, therby MAJORLY cockblocking Tyler . . . then again, maybe not.  “If I shouldn’t be dating, all you have to do is say something . . . because I’m not about to get shot down again,” argues Tyler.

And so, just like with their epic first kiss, their second one, begins with an argument about “feelings,” turns into a wall slam, and then, BAM: mouth-f*&king!

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Horny as hell, and not-yet-quite adventurous enough to start having sex right on the floor of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Caroline and Tyler escape back to Tyler’s bedroom, which, in hindsight, might have been their first big mistake of the evening.  Not that it matters, at the moment, though.  Because right now, Caroline and Tyler are having sex . . . supernatural .  . . super speedy . . . sexy .  . . grunty .  . . groany . .  . moany . . . rough sex.  And life is VERY GOOD!

 

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Life is significantly LESS good for Damon, who is having a VERY bad day . . .

Foreplay Tough Love for Damon and Elena . . .

“You’ve got some ‘splaining to do, Mister!  (Like why the heck didn’t you put all this crap on a computer?  What is this  . . . 1864?)”

Still raw from his run-in with his brother, and the loss of Sex Toy Andie, a not-drunk-enough Damon hobbles back into his room to find Elena (SURPRISE!) dangerously close to his bed. 😉

She’s FURIOUS with Damon for keeping his search for Stefan from her, and understandably so.  But, really, your heart has to go out to Damon in this moment.  Because Damon was always the guy who got to be blase about Elena’s feelings, because he was the one KEEPING HER ALIVE.

Up until now, Damon got to leave all the “emotional stuff” to STEFAN, like, for example, that time when he let Elena think Bonnie had died, so that KLAUS would believe it too.  Damon was OK with being the “Bad Guy,” because he knew he was doing the right thing, and that Stefan would be there to “comfort” Elena, where he couldn’t.  But now, Damon is stuck playing both Elena’s CONFIDANTE and PROTECTOR, and it’s weighing heavily on his conscience.  He DOESN’T want to ruin Elena’s memories of Stefan, no matter how much that might help him in the “getting laid” department . . .

And while the OLD Damon would have rejoiced in telling Elena that Saint Stefan, wasn’t so saintly anymore, the NEW protective Damon is wracked with guilt for the part he feels he’s played in Stefan’s return to the darkside, and how much he knows it will hurt Elena to know what her first love has become.  But still, she needs to know.  And so, he tells her . . .

“Those are not Klaus’ victims, they’re Stefan’s.  He’s left a trail of bodies, up and down the Eastern Seabord.  He’s flipped the switch, Elena.  So, stop looking for him . . . Stop waiting for him.  He’s NOT coming back . . . not in your lifetime.”

Once again, after delivering a speech like this, the OLD Damon would have just stormed out of the room, without a second thought, because THAT would be all that was required to “keep Elena alive.”  But we see Damon hesitate here, as Elena’s eyes begin to tear up.  He stops and reaches out, as if to hug Elena, but ultimately, things better of it and leaves . . .

And it’s an awful moment for the two of them, who are both missing Stefan, for their own reasons, and can’t quite bring themselves to reach out to one another, when they need eachother most . . .

So, of course, Damon responds to these newfound emotions by angrily trashing Stefan’s over-furnished bedroom.  (Now, THAT’S the dark, self-destructive Damon we know and love! ;))

Meanwhile, outside the party (if you could still call it that . . .) . . .

Chunky Monkey?  (Nahh . . . It’s Just Stoned Matt.)

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So, I’ve decided I wouldn’t have despised Matt nearly as much last season, if he was HIGH more often.  High Matt is HILARIOUS!  And I loved the Stoner Comedy Bromance of High Jeremy trying to drive High Matt home, and HIGH Matt inadvertently sitting on Ghost Vicki’s head, when he did so . . .

“I think my brother just farted on me.” 

And yes, yes, I know it was supposed to be all “creepy” and “scary” how Vicki ominously begged for Jeremy to HELP HER, and Anna stared stonily at him from outside his car.

But honestly, I found this storyline to be more comic relief, than anything else.  Particularly, when Matt came back to Jeremy’s house, after the party, to eat all of Alaric’s Chunky Monkey . . .

“You know, Useless Aunt Jenna always used to eat Alaric’s Chunky Monkey too . . . he didn’t seem to mind.”

CHUNKY MONKEY!!!!!!

 . . . and Jeremy tried to confide in Matt about the whole, “I see dead people” thing, . . .

 . . . and Matt pretty much chalked Jeremy’s visions up to loneliness and BAD WEED.  But, honestly, wouldn’t you, if you lived ANYWHERE ELSE BESIDES MYSTIC FALLS?

MATT:  “Don’t YOU wanna get WITH this?  Have I mentioned, I’m single?”

JEREMY:  “Yes, about 18 times.  And in the car, on the way home, you SANG it.”

A Plain Old Walk of Shame is Looking Pretty Good Right Now, Isn’t it Caroline?

Sometimes, karma can be a b*tch.  Like when you plan to sneak off on your new Boy Toy, while he’s still asleep, in order to avoid a “potentially awkward conversation.”

And your new Boy Toy’s mom comes in, and randomly shoots you with what looks like a Toy Gun from the movie Star Wars . . .

“Ummm . . . Tyler . . . I hate to break it to you considering we just f*&ked and all but I think your Mom is secretly Darth Vader.”

*breathes heavily* “Ty-ler . . . I am your Mo-ther.”

“You have a Collect Call from Ripper Stefan.  Do You Accept the Charges?  (Because if you don’t, he’ll eat you.)”

Some happy birthday, Elena has had!  After the party, she comes back to her kitchen to find Alaric bailing.  Because, you know, sitting around completely wasted at a party while underage kids drink and have sex, either makes you the WORST or the COOLEST chaperone ever, I can’t decide which.

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Alchy-ric!  I mean, hey, you were a WAY better guardian than Useless Aunt Jenna!  At least you never let evil supernatural creatures who wanted to kill me into the house!  That’s a definite plus next to your name!” 

Alaric tells Elena that she can do a better job raising herself, and Jeremy, without him.  And while that might be true, I still think it was kind of lame of him to ditch her on her birthday, especially in light of all that had happened, during this episode . . .

But don’t worry, Ric, I’m sure I’ll love you again tomorrow . . . and the day after that .  . . and the day after that .  . .

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(I’m not sure I’m entirely digging your new, “I’m Depressed” Hairdo though . . . You might want to get that checked out by a stylist . . .)

“I’m way too engrossed in my “Man Pain,” to engage in normal hygiene procedures, like showering, shaving and stuff . . .Maybe, I’ll consider doing those things, if I ever get another non-vampire girlfriend again . . .”

In the final moments of the episode, Elena heads upstairs to find a hand-drawn artistic card from Jeremy (Nice touch remembering he has Mad Art Skillz, Writers!), right next to Elena’s trademark stuffed teddy bear . . .

I’d sleep with them BOTH! 

Then, she ALMOST misses a call from Stefan the Mouth Breather, but manages to pick it up . . .

 

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For the past two seasons, TVD fans have been forever searching for signs of Damon’s humanity.  And, I suspect, this season will be about watching for the signs of the RETURN of Stefan’s.  The fact that Elena’s reminder to him that she still LOVES HIM, brings him to tears, tells us that he hasnt TOTALLY given in to his vampiric impulses  . . . yet . . .

Of course, on the other hand, if Stefan’s love for his brother, and his reassurance of Elena’s love for HIM are all that’s keeping him from going FULL RIPPER, what would happen if BOTH of those individuals ended up betraying his love .  . . together?

Ripper Stefan is at a precipice right now.  He could really go either way.  And Klaus’ prediction that, with each kill, Stefan will find it easier and easier to let go of his humanity, might very soon prove to be prophetic . . .

And there you have it folks . . . the Season 3 Premiere of TVD in a VERY LARGE nutshell . . . SOOOOO .  . . tell me . . . what did you think? 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Come on, Damon, Light My Fire! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The House Guest”

DAMON:  “Do you smell something burning?”

KATHERINE:  “There’s a fire . . . in my pants.  I’m burning up for your love, Damon.”

DAMON: “Katherine, it’s the 21st Century.  They have creams for that now .  . .”

Whew!  Well, THIS was a doozy of a TVD episode, wasn’t it?  Let’s see . . .

(1) We got to see Damon become more smokin’ HOT than ever before . . .

“Poke her, with that POKER, Damon!”

(2) Lots of sh*t caught fire (including the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls) .   . .

(3) We were treated to a very Gleeky musical review, brought to you by the Vampire Barbie, herself.   . .

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(4) Ding, Dong TWO witches are dead (for the price of JUST ONE!).

OOPS!  Won’t be using THAT screencap anymore!

(5) And the two MOST CLUELESS folks in Mystic Falls, FINALLY got a CLUE .  . . well  . . . sort of . . .

But, I think, if I had to choose my absolute FAVORITE part of “The House Guest” . .  . it would be all the highly sexualized Kat / Damon moments included therein.  After all, THESE moments added quite a few very sexy screencaps to my ever-growing collection.   And, of course, immediately upon concluding this recap, I plan to insert said screencaps into my”Damon & ELENA Forever” scrapbook.  (Yes, I said, Damon and ELENA!  What the rest of the world doesn’t know, won’t hurt them?  Right?)

But enough about my FAVE Soon-To-Be Couple, we’ve got a show to recap!

You Got SCHOOLED!

“Come on, Stefan!  If we don’t leave now, we’ll be late for school.  Remember school?  It’s that thing we keep forgetting to GO to?” Elena sing-songs, as she grabs seductively onto Stefan Salvatore’s shirt collar, in one of the at least six bedrooms of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.

That’s right!  Contrary to popular belief (and the fact that we haven’t actually seen her attend class since around the middle of Season 1), Elena IS, in fact, still a high school student.  And the clever, self-deprecating, writers of this show aren’t afraid to point out that, due to plot logistics, “attendance” doesn’t exactly appear to be Elena’s strong suit.  But let’s face it.  It’s not all Elena’s fault.  The fact that Stefan’s a little Horn Dog, who attended high school for literally centuries, and STILL doesn’t seem to own a diploma, certainly doesn’t help . . .  (Baby Salvatore is kind of like a Vampire Van Wilder, in that way!)

“Welcome to Home School!  Our first class of the day is Sex Education.”

But Elena’s got WAY more pressing problems than an overly amorous boyfriend, who will quite possibly make her late for class for the 35th time this year.  She’s got a case of mistaken identity on her hands .  . .

You know, last week, when Katherine popped out of Damon’s shower, asking for a robe, and a place to “sleep,” I just assumed that the rest of the Scooby Gang would get filled in on the identity of the newest Salvatore House Guest OFF SCREEN.  So, color me surprised, when Damon forcefully pushed Elena up against a wall, merely for wishing him “Good Morning” (So HOT, by the way!).  Interestingly enough, Elena had no CLUE why Damon would possibly mistake her for her doppelganger, when said doppelganger was supposedly still locked away in a Deep Dark Tomb!

Color me even more surprised, when, upon hearing of Katherine’s Great Tomb Escape, Stefan, not only doesn’t “rescue” his girlfriend from Damon’s clutches, he PUSHES HER AGAINST THE WALL, TOO?

“Really?  The WALL . . . AGAIN?  Why does everybody have to get pushed up against the WALL on this show?  That flimsy piece of plaster has probably seen more action in a single SEASON than Katherine has seen in her ENTIRE LIFE . . . and she’s Super Slutty.”

Fortunately, for Elena (or, unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), the REAL Katherine materializes in the doorway, and shows both Salvatore Brothers they are Wall Raping the Wrong Gal . . .

“If that were ME on the Wall, smothered by Salvatores, I’d have my clothes off, before you could say, ‘Katherine Pierce.’  That Elena is such a PRUDE!”

Needless to say, Elena is NOT pleased about the idea of having to share her precious Salvatores with another girl, who, coincidentally, also used to bone them both.   “Get her out of here!”  Elena yelps.

“Do you think our boyfriends will FINALLY be able to tell us apart, when you have a pretty stake sticking out of your heart?”

But Elena is not going to be able to get rid of the Kat so easily.  After all, having been Santa Klaus’ Honey Bunny back in the day, Katherine alone possesses the unique knowledge the Scooby Gang needs to kill the Big Bad Vamp We Still Have Never Seen.  And so, Katherine stays behind, while a grumbling Elena exits Stage Left, still trying in vain to remember what the heck her high school actually looks like . . .

“So, that’s high school, huh?   OK.  We’ve seen it.  Now, let’s LEAVE!”

On the way into school, Stefan offers to sleepover at Elena’s house, for a change, so the pair can keep their distance from a certain pesky doppelganger.  (Ahhh . . . another night at the Gilberts.  Hey, remember that episode, where Useless Aunt Jenna started randomly making lewd comments to Stefan about how LOUD he and Elena were during sex?  GOOD TIMES!) 

Unfortunately, for Stefan, Having Loud Sex While Jenna Listens is not on the agenda for tonight, not when Elena has already planned a “Girl’s Night,” with her besties, Caroline and Bonnie.  “Maybe KATHERINE could join us,” Elena snarks.

EXCELLENT IDEA, Elena!  I mean, seriously, how AWESOME would it be to have Vampire Katherine at YOUR Slumber Party?

“Hey girls!  What do you say, we play Truth or Dare and I compel you all to pick DARE each time?”

Speaking of Elena’s besties, Bonnie has been trying to maintain a secret relationship with Jeremy, ever since the Hot Energy Channeling / Saliva Swapping Party they had together, last week.

BONNIE:  “We can’t stand together like this all day.  Someone will notice.”

JEREMY:  “Just tell them I’m a very Close Talker.”

As for Caroline, she’s still trying to rekindle her relationship with Matt . . . but having limited success.

At school, Vampire Barbie and Still Clueless Ken continue to dance around their many issues.   Both parties are given an excellent opportunity to be honest with one another about their recent interactions with the recently departed Tyler.  But Caroline refuses to tell Matt about the connection she shared (and STILL shares) with Teen Wolf . . .

Meanwhile, Matt refuses to admit that his final conversation with Tyler included (1) Tyler admitting that he had fallen for Caroline; (2) Matt agreeing to “take care of Caroline” at Tyler’s request . . .

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Despite BOTH parties being to blame for the standstill at which their relationship currently rests, Matt announces to Caroline that she knows how he feels, and that it is “Her Move.”  Fortunately for Caroline (or UNFORTUNATELY, if you are a Forwood Fan like me), she sees a poster on the School Bulletin Board that gives her a good idea of what her next “Move” will be . . .

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon is blowing Elijah .  . .

. . . with a Blow Torch, that is.

Kudos to Damon for being just as clever as most of us fans are.  After all, the Elder Salvatore came up with precisely the same solution many of us suggested for the “Keep the Dagger, Lose the Body” Elijah Conundrum. 

The problem with this plan, of course (as Kat smugly notes, when she comes upon Damon still “carrying a torch” for her), is that, as an Original Vampire, Elijah’s body is COMPLETELY INDESTRUCTIBLE.  (See?  Even as a DEAD and UNCONSCIOUS guy, Elijah is one of the Coolest Characters on this Show!)

Unable to have the Baked Elijah dessert he was so hoping to enjoy, Damon turns his massively large and VERY phallic torch on Kat . . .

And just by the look on Kat’s face, when she sees that big STICK of Damon’s just inches away from her nether regions, we can tell that, unlike Elijah, Katherine is, indeed, VERY destructible.  “We want the same thing [Klaus dead].”  Katherine pleads with Damon, who is training his trademark Crazy Eyes on her, as we speak.  “And I always get what I want.”

Memories!

Talk about a Mood Killer!  Damon chooses this moment to bring up that time in the Not-So-Distant past, when Katherine reverse psychologied Damon into trying to stake Elijah with the Original’s Killing Dagger, knowing FULL WELL, that the mere act of doing so would KILL HIM.  “Yes, I knew you would die, Damon,” Katherine admits remorselessly, before leaving the basement.

It’s the End of Luka, As We Know Him  . . . (A.K.A. Why Jonas SUCKS as both a father and a HUMAN BEING!)

You know what, Stefan?  You have REALLY got to give up this whole “Trusting Other Supernatural Creatures” thing you’ve got going on!  Let’s see . . . in just the past few episodes . . . you trusted Isobel, and she tried to get Damon killed.  You trusted Tyler, and he let Brady and Jules kidnap and torture Caroline.  Now, your trusting Jonas and Luka.  And we all know THAT isn’t going to end well, either . . .

The Truth Hurts, doesn’t it, Mr. Vamp-tastic?

Allow me to give you some free advice, Little Salvatore.  Remember that  “I Used to Be a Monster Until Lexi Saved Me” confession you made to Elena last week?  Well, next time, let’s all just try to assume that every other Supernatural Creature on this show, who ISN’T part of your Scooby Gang, was NEVER saved by Lexi, and, therefore, is still very much a MONSTER.  Mmmm Kay?

Anyway, Stefan gets this brilliant idea that he and Bonnie can broker a deal with Jonas and Luka (also, apparently, known as “The Martins,” who knew?).  Under this “agreement” the Scooby Gang and “The Martins” can all kill Klaus together, like One Big Happy Family of Monsters.  So, Stefan arranges a meeting with the father/son team at .  . .  where else(?) the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  At that meeting, Stefan offers the family “his word” that they will not come to any harm, under his watch. (Haha!  Good one, Stefan!)

To his credit, Luka . . .

. . . (who, in all honesty, seems like he wouldn’t be such a bad guy, if he didn’t have such an ASSHAT for a dad), wants to take Stefan up on his offer.  But, alas, Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother thinks the Scooby Gang is not to be trusted.  Furthermore, he believes that ELIJAH, not Stefan, is the key to defeating Klaus, and rescuing his daughter.  And so, Papa and Luka plan some Weird Mystic Seance Ritual, with the ultimate goal of “waking up” Elijah from his dagger-induced slumber . . .

Ever notice how every witch ritual on this show seems to involve Dark Rooms, Romantic Scented Candles, and lots of Hand Holding?  If I didn’t know any better, I’d say all this Witch / Warlock Mumbo jumbo is just one GIANT excuse to Cop a Feel . . .

So, here’s the plan.  Jonas and Luka hold hands and chant Ring Around the Rosie, or some crap like that.  This allows them to combine their powers, and project an Invisible Jonas into La Casa de Rich and Awesome, where he should be able to remove the Originals’ Killing Dagger from Elijah’s belly undetected. 

(Now I’m not a PARENT, so I can’t speak from actual experience.  But wouldn’t a GOOD DAD, who needed entry into a house of Bloodthirsty Vampires, go there HIMSELF, as opposed to sending his own flesh and blood into the Lion’s Den, FOR HIM?  Just sayin.’)

Parenting FAIL!

So, we see Luka’s “double” project himself inside the basement of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  He finds Elijah on the ground, and begins to pull the dagger from his stomach.  Fortuntely, for our Scooby Gang, Katherine is also in the basement, picking up a Blood Snack.  Being the astute old vamp she is, Katherine promptly notices that the dagger in Elijah’s tummy is seemingly moving outward, on its own.  

Using her vampire strength and vast sexual experience, Katherine immediately begins the arduous task of sticking the large phallic object back inside the male form, lying prone in front of her.”

This sh*t’s HARD!  I really need to start working out more.  All that time in the tomb has made me flabby.  Hmmm  . . . I wonder what kind of Home Gym the Salvatores have . . .”

Back in the “Martin” house, Jonas instructs Luka to stake Katherine.  And he does . . . Though, honestly, I’m not sure what weapon he uses, considering the only one readily available is currently stuck inside Elijah. 

Then, Damon magically appears . . .

Yes, he was dressed (and dry) at the time.  But I decided to use this picture to illustrate him, anyway.  And you’re complaining because . . . ?

Damon prompty un-stakes Katherine.  Then, out comes that trusty BLOW TORCH AGAIN!  (You KNEW that was coming!)  Now Luka is on fire, both in La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and inside his home.  But because no one on this show ever goes to school, the poor guy doesn’t realize he’s supposed to “Stop, Drop, and Roll.”

“I wonder if my homeowner’s insurance will cover this .  . .”

And then THIS happens . . .

Nice knowing ya, Luka!

As for Jonas (who’s 100% at fault for his son’s premature demise, by the way), he immediately starts making all these weird growling noises, like he’s auditioning for yet another remake of The Hulk.  And, inappropriate as it may be, it’s kind of hard not to laugh at the guy, when he’s yelping like Chewbacca from Star Wars.  But I bite my lower lip, and manage to keep quiet.  After all, “Dead Luka” was kind of adorable when he played “Little Richie” on Family Matters  (See above).  So, for that reason, he deserves my respect .  . .

“Arrrrahhhhhhh grrrrooooooooooooo eeeeee!”

Speaking of Dead Witches . . .

In much lighter news, Damon and Katherine READ TOGETHER.  Alert the media . . .

Those of you astute fans, who guessed that Elijah was yammering on about Witch Massacres in History, last week, for a REASON, can mentally pat yourself on the back for a job well done . . .

As it turns out, ELIJAH didn’t own an Orignal’s Killing Dagger (Gee, I wonder why? ;))  However, HE did figure out that, when a witch dies, it leaves some of it’s power at it’s final resting place.  Elijah therefore reasoned that the spot in Mystic Falls, where a whole bunch of witches were killed, would be the IDEAL place for a “Witchily Re-energized” Elijah to kill Klaus. 

Still not willing to trust Katherine (Note to Stefan:  Distrust = a good thing!), when Damon finds the location of the Witch Massacre, as it is described in Jonathan’s books, he quickly passes this information along to his brother.  However, Damon purposely keeps the information from Katherine, despite the fact that she’s been helping him “research” all this time. 

(Knowing our writers, this will probably end up biting our Favorite Brooding Bad Boy Vamp in the ass, later.  And yet, I would have done exactly the same thing, if I was him . . .)

But before all that “learning” happens, we are treated to a few insanely hot moments of Damon and Kat, play fighting / dry humping one another all over the Salvatore Study . .  .

Mommy like!

But don’t you worry, Delena fans!  Damon still hasn’t quite forgiven Katherine yet for the whole, “I’ll Send Him Off to DIE” thing.  And, to add insult to injury, a suddenly SUPER honest Katherine chooses her Sexy Times with Damon to admit that she had initially bargained with Isobel and John (who wanted BOTH Salvatores dead) to save Stefan’s life over Damon’s.

(Note to Katherine:  The next time you try to get someone KILLED, but still want to have sex with them, when they ask you questions about it.  LIE!  LIE LIKE THE WIND!)

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Meanwhile, back at the Gilbert house . . .

Girl-Bonding, Confessions, and Eternal Flames

Tired of listening to Self-Absorbed, Party Pooping, Useless Aunt Jenna whine about how Alaric isn’t being honest with her  (“He’s only lying to protect you!” Caroline explains . . . and SHE would know!), the girls, at Caroline’s suggestion, decide to head out to .  . . you guessed it . . . the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

(Little do the girls know that Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother has TRACKED Elena there, by fondling her Cheerleading Picture and Hairbrush.  Be afraid, Elena.  BE VERY AFRAID!)

At the Bar, Useless Aunt Jenna proceeds to get herself completely wasted, while giving Alaric the Cold Shoulder for his failure to explain TWO SEASONS of The Vampire Diaries to her in under five minutes . . .

Way to multitask, Girlfriend!

Speaking of cold shoulders, Caroline is still getting one from Matt.  And this prompts her to do something VERY BOLD!

After compelling the local musical talent to help her, “live out her rockstar fantasies, onstage” (LOVE HER!) Caroline expresses her feelings for Matt, by breaking into a surprisingly AWESOME rendition of the classic 80’s tune “Eternal Flame,” by the Bangles.

(Of course, the song’s title ends up being entirely prophetic, both in terms of Caroline’s “eternal” vampire status, and the fact that the whole place is about to, literally, go up in flames .  . . But, for now, we can just enjoy the “moment.”) 

When Caroline finishes singing, Matt hops up on stage, and plants a kiss on her lips, which is WAY more impressive than the lame one he gave her, a few episodes back though, not nearly as impressive as Tyler’s Ambush Kiss!.

While, Caroline and Matt head into the kitchen to make out some more, Bonnie decides to lay a little truth on Elena.  “Would it freak you out if I started dating your brother?”  Bonnie inquires, seemingly out of the blue.

“Well, it’s about damn time!”

Elena’s response is truly heartfelt, eloquent, and beautiful.  And, even though I don’t necessarily agree with it’s sentiment, I adore our heroine, for having the wherewithal to say exactly what her best friend needed to hear.  “My brother has been through a lot, lately,” begins Elena.  (Well THAT’S the understatement of the CENTURY!)

“He deserves to be with someone as amazing as you,” Elena concludes.  (Ummmmm . . . OK .. . if you say so!)

Unfortunately, the girls’ happiness doesn’t last long.  Hulked Out Chewbacca-Sounding Jonas starts burning the walls of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, in search of Elena.  Fortunately, Damon, Stefan, and  . . . get this . . . Katherine . . . have gotten wind of what Jonas is trying to do, and have headed to the burning bar to save her.  Bonnie, for her part, tries to reason with Jonas . . .

But Jonas is WAY beyond reason (and speaking English, for that matter)!  He simply puts his hand on Bonnie’s head, gives her a massive headache, and walks away.   Eventually, Jeremy finds Bonnie, and the two leave the bar together.  Thankfully,Stefan is also able to locate Elena, and get her out of the club, before Crazed Firestarter Jonas can get to her . . .

Oh!  Bloody HELL!

Caroline and Matt, however, are not so lucky.  (Ahhhh, the dangers of Making Out in Kitchens During a Massive Bar Fire!)  Ever the kickass heroine, upon seeing Evil Jonas, the plucky Caroline vamps out and pounces on the witch.  As a result of her heroism, Caroline is rewarded with (SURPRISE!) yet another Witchy Migraine.  (Way to be not-at-all creative in your torture tactics, Jonas.  To make matters worse, the now-crying Caroline is then tossed aside, like a stale piece of meat. 

To his credit, the typically Bland Matt rushes to Caroline’s rescue, only to BE STAKED IN THE NECK with a VERY sharp object.

I hate to break this to you Matt.  But red . . . is totally NOT your color.

Watching her boyfriend bleed to death, right before her eyes, Caroline has no choice but to eat him do THIS . . .

A little while later, when Matt regains consciousness . . .

“Weirdest .  . . dream . . . ever.”

 . . . Caroline makes the controversial decision NOT to compel Clueless Ken to forget what happened.  Instead, she decides to come clean to him about exactly WHAT she is . . .  a vampire.  To say that Matt doesn’t take the news well is an understatement . . .

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Look familiar?

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See what I MEAN . .. about the repeated throwing . . . of the people . . . against the WALLS?

Now Tyler, was TOTALLY cool with Caroline being a vampire . . . at least, initially.  He freaked out on Caroline for being dishonest with him about OTHER vampires.  On the other hand, Matt immediately assumes that, JUST BECAUSE Caroline is a vampire, she, MUST have killed his sister, Vicki.

(In the words of Brittany S. Pierce, “That is SO RACIST!”)

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Meanwhile, back at the Gilbert House  . . .

Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah, Hey, Hey, Hey, GOODBYE!

SAYONARA SUCKA!

Jeremy and Bonnie are rejoicing over Jonas’ surprising RE-GIFTING of Bonnie’s powers, and her newfound plans to conquer Klaus, herself (Yeah . . . because THAT’s going to work out well!). This Happy-Happy, Joy-Joy time with “Jonnie” is interrupted, when Stefan, and a surprisingly prickly “Elena” barge into the house. 

“It’s not over yet,” says “Elena” brusquely, as she rushes upstairs toward the bathroom, leaving Stefan to explain to the rest of the Scooby Crew what the heck is going on . . .

We then see “Elena” look in the bathroom mirror.  Within seconds, Jonas materializes behind her.  Then, THIS happens . . .

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HAHA!  FOOLED YOU! 

So now . . . Jonas is dead.  And, of course,  judgy Bonnie, is whining about how she “didn’t have to kill him.”   (Ummm . . . Bonnie . . . actually . . .  SHE REALLY DID!)

Meanwhile, in my mind, Elena and Damon are ALONE in La Casa de Rich and Awesome having REALLY HOT SEX . . .

(A girl can DREAM, can’t she?)

When Kat and Stefan return, Elena is not all that happy to see her doppelganger, despite the fact that Kat has “graciously” returned the vervain necklace to her lookalike . . .  (Now, why does this scene strike me as familiar?)

*sings* Memories .  . . like the corners of my mind . . . Misty water-colored MEMORIES!

Kat promises Elena that she is not a threat to her.  After all, Kat presumably needs Elena alive, in order to kill Klaus.  The question is, can we really trust THE KAT. 

Well, I can’t speak for Stefan or Elena, but, after watching these next two scenes, I know what DAMON would say . . .

Kat Gets DE-NIED!

In the study of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Kat decides to decompress, by reading a little more about the Exciting Life of Jonathan Gilbert (Zzzzzz!).  Fortunately, Kat doesn’t have to be bored for long.  Damon is there waiting for her, with a VERY SPECIAL SURPRISE!

SURPRISE! 🙂

“That’s for trying to get me killed.  Next time, it goes in your head,” Damon growls.

Apparently, Kat finds this whole “Staking Thing” a HUGE turn on, because she winds up in Damon’s MASSIVELY LARGE bed, just a few hours later.

Suddenly, Kat is being all coquettish and seductive.  Before we know it, she’s straddling Damon, and kissing him ALL OVER!

Damon’s response to this seduction:  “There are at least six other bedrooms in this house, why don’t you go find one of them?”

Translation:  Umm . . . Kat . .  .

Alternate Translation:  “I LOVE YOU, ELENA!”

See these?

They belong to KAT, now! 

Girlfriend, I feel your pain.  I’ve been there . . . well . . . sort of.  Might I suggest a VERY COLD SHOWER?

In other news . . . Alaric told Jenna he loves her . . . zzzzzzzzzzzz .  . . He’s also still wearing WAY too much guyliner . . .

As for Jenna, well, in the last few seconds of the episode, she gets a Very Special Visitor . . .

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She’s BAAAACK!

Jenna . . . you remember ISOBEL, right?  You know, Alaric’s supposedly DEAD wife?  The one who also, at least according to her, is Elena’s BIO MOM?

Oh, Alaric . . . you’ve got some ‘SPLAINING to do!

And, there you have it, the LAST Vampire Diaries episode until  . . . APRIL 7th!

Don’t worry, Fangbangers!  We’ll get through this together . . .

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

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Hooked on Phonics Worked for Elena! (But Not for Elijah) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Dinner Party”

ELENA:  So when it comes to being super hot, and killing supernatural creatures, like it’s your job, you both get A’s.  But as far as reading comprehension and following directions go?  YOU TWO FAIL .  . . MISERABLY!

DAMON:  I am so Hot for Teacher, right now . . .

STEFAN: Is this going to be on the exam?  Because I’ve been in high school for 140 years.  And I’d really like to graduate some time within the next century . . .

It’s not often that you get a supernatural teen television drama, that also stresses the importance of careful READING.  And yet, that’s exactly what this week’s installment of The Vampire Diaries taught us.  Though the hour arguably ended “happily” unless you are Elijah, of course (I MISS MY ELIJAH ALREADY!), what happened to our Mystic Falls Scooby Gang this week should serve as a cautionary tale to all of us.   And the moral of the “story” is this:  Terrible things happen to people (and vampires) who fail to READ BETWEEN THE LINES . . . or, in some cases, the LIES.

In other news, all those fans out there who complained that Elena Gilbert is a “wimpy” / “whiny” heroine — who refuses to fight for herself — are currently enjoying “dessert,” right now . . .

Mmmmm . . . crow . . . yummy!

Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

Dark Stefan –  The Prequel (A Jonathan Gilbert Story)

Dear Diary,

Today I OWNED every vampire and human on this show.  So, if anybody EVER compares me to Bella Swan again, I will shove my Original’s Killing Dagger SO FAR UP THEIR ASSES, they will wish they were NEVER BORN . . .

Hugs and Kisses,

Elena

When the episode begins, believe it or not, Stefan and Elena are STILL on their “Romantic Getaway” at the Gilbert Lakehouse.  Even after a fun-filled evening of being stalked, shot at, and held at gun point by a bunch of rabid and drooling werewolves, Stefan and Elena somehow still remain under the assumption that they can salvage their “vacation.”  Their idealism is either really inspiring, or incredibly disturbing.  I’m not sure which . . .

Then again, it’s entirely possible that the only reason this couple is sticking around the Lakehouse, is that they dread sharing a car with one another, for the long ride back to Mystic Falls.  After all, tensions have been high, and interactions icy, ever since Stefan found out that Elena plans to kill herself (via Santa Klaus-icide) to save the rest of the Scooby Gang from further harm.  In other words, there has most certainly been NO SEX in the Lakehouse Champagne Room!

This would probably explain why I found THESE in Stefan’s underwear, last night . . .

“Scientifically” speaking, I’m not even sure THIS can happen to vampires.  But if it CAN, it probably happened to Stefan at the Lakehouse . . .

Anyway, after their fight, Elena and Stefan are keeping a safe distance from one another.  As for Stefan, he is out on the dock, gossiping, like a little school girl, with his Big Bro Damon . . .

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DAMON:  “And that Dorky Werewolf was like, ‘I’m going to kill you.’  And I was like ‘Ow, my neck hurts,’ and then Elijah was like ‘RIPPPPPP, hey Damon, wanna eat some were-hearts with me?’  And I was like ‘Cool!  I still want you dead though.’  And Tyler was like ‘I’m outtie 5,000.’  . . .”

STEFAN:  “Yeah, I know, Damon.  I watched the episode on ITunes, last night . . .”

Meanwhile, Elena is camped out on the couch, reading the “exciting” tale of how her boyfriend once ate all her ancestors, thereby almost preventing her from EVER BEING BORN!

“W TF, Stefan!  I better be getting a REALLY expensive anniversary gift, if you want to make up for this one!”

You guys have met Dark Stefan, right?  You know . . . he was the guy from the “Miss Mystic Falls” episode, that aired last season — the one who ditched his girlfriend at the local beauty pageant, so that he could suck on one of her competitors. 

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Well, he’s BAAAAAACK!  (And I mean WAY BACK . . . like, 1864 . . . back.)

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(By the way, my personal apologies go out to the over 550 people who searched for “Stefan Salvatore Fist Pumping Gif” this morning, and were mistakenly directed to my blog by WordPress, even though I didn’t actually “own” this GIF until about two hours ago.  Oops!)

Thanks to Jonathan Gilbert, and his compulsive need to write EVERYTHING DOWN, we are whisked back in time, to 1864, along with Elena.  Once there, we witness Jonathan Gilbert enjoying a nice “Dinner Party” (Ahhhh . . . parallels!  Gotta love em’!) with the other so-called “Founding Families” of Mystic Falls.  Suddenly, there is a rustling in the trees, outside . . .

So, the “Brave” Jonathan, and another random Town-Founding Dude, head outside to investigate.  Jonathan immediately whips out his trusty Cereal Box Toy Vampire Detector Watch, to determine if EVIL is truly afoot. 

It’s not afoot (YAY!) .  . . and then, suddenly, it is (BOO!).  Within seconds, Founding Dude 2 becomes a Vampire Happy Meal.  So, does Jonathan, for that matter . . .

 Or DOES HE?  As it turns out, in addition to being the owner of cheesy Vampire Detector Watches, Jonathan also wears an Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality.  And so, he returns to life, after being eaten. This enables Jonathan to ID his killer in his diary.  And I bet you can’t guess who it is?  (I’ll give you a hint:  His name rhymes with Mefan Malvatore.)

“Oh, Stefan!  You have some ‘splaining TO DO!”

Back in Present Day, Stefan saunters back into the lake house.  Apparently, his fun little conversation with Damon has done little to improve his mood.  The Dude still has a MAJOR stick up his ass, over the whole “Elena Suicide Pact” thing.  (Poor Schuck!  He has NO IDEA of the massive sh*tstorm he’s about to walk into.) 

“Still mad?”  Elena asks her beau slyly.

I won’t recap for you EVERYTHING Stefan says in response, because he basically details all of last week’s episode, in his speech.  However, I WILL tell you that he was dumb enough to end his monologue with “That’s the understatement of the century.”  *facepalm*

“YOU would know!”  Elena snarks.  (Silly Stefan!  You walked right into that one . . . or should I say “that pun”!)

Stefan admits that he ate the founding families because he was really hungry because he was pissed at them for what he THOUGHT they did to Katherine.  He hadn’t expected Jonathan for to survive, and finger him (OK . . . that sounded dirty) for the murders.  Stefan then reluctantly agrees to tell Elena all about the fabulous life / redemption arc of 1864-era Dark Stefan.  After all, better she find out all the bad stuff from HIM, than from her half-chewed wackadoo ancestor!

We are then treated to a fun little 1864 taste of what it would be like if Paul Wesley was cast as DAMON SALVATORE, and Ian Somerhalder as STEFAN.  (PERISH THE THOUGHT!)  We see Dark Stefan chilling in his mansion (La Casa de Rich and Awesome — MY HAVE YOU CHANGED!).   Evil Steffy apparently fills his days by screwing the townie girls’ little peabrains out, and then EATING THOSE BRAINS, once he’s finished screwing the bodies attached to them . . .

Enter Cockblock Damon (I can’t even BELIEVE I am using those two words in the same sentence!) with his Adorably Curly 19th Century Hair, and Judgy McJudgerson Puppy Dog Eyes . . .

Good Damon compels all Stefan’s little tartlets to leave La Casa de Rich and Awesome immediately, and never come back — thereby, effectively saving all their lives.  Damon also tells his brother, in his Stefan-iest voice, that the latter’s “appetites” are going to get them both killed, if Dark Stefan is not careful.

Having grown tired of Dark Stefan, and his tendency toward emotion free screw-killings, Damon has decided to skip town ALONE.  Upon hearing this, Dark Stefan shows emotion, for the first time during this flashback.  Clearly, desperate for companionship, he begs his brother to reconsider . . .

“If you stay, I’ll let you eat the girl behind the Piano’s boobs!”

But Damon is far beyond putting up with his Brother’s B.S.  He has already made up his mind . . .

So, a dejected Stefan heads out to a Civil War Battlefield for more Human Snacks.  He comes upon a blonde chick in a hood, and tries to gnaw on her.  The only problem is, she’s a vampire.  In fact, she’s a vampire who WE ALREADY KNOW!

 

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The Awkward Moment when you try to eat a girl (non-sexually, of course), and she ends up being dead . . . ish.

OMG!  It’s LEXI!  Remember her from the 162 Candles Episode?  If not, she was Stefan’s bestie .  . . who celebrated his birthday with him . . . Then, DAMON KILLED HER to cover his ass for murders HE COMMITTED!

GOOD TIMES!

Anyway, as it turns out, it was Lexi who crashed with Stefan during those dark 1864 days.  And it was Lexi who taught Stefan that turning off your feelings isn’t the “right” way to be a vampire.  After all, vampires with NO feelings can’t get horny FALL IN LOVE!  And “love conquers all!”  (OK . . . that whole speech was nauseatingly cheesy!  But we like Lexi, so it’s acceptable from her . . . I guess.)

Perhaps, the most poignant moment of the flashback is when Lexi and, her future murderer, Damon, meet on the stairwell of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, as he is heading out of Mystic Falls, en route to becoming the SUPER HOT, but also DEEPLY wounded and tormented, vampire he is today . . .

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Lexi prophetically warns Damon that the day will come when the anger he is feeling toward his brother for depriving him of his human life, will consume him, and lead him toward darkness.  In return, Damon asks Lexi to promise to take care of Stefan, because he clearly needs it.  And Lexi keeps that promise . . . well . . . until Damon kills her, of course.

You know . . . you’ve really gotta hand it to Stefan.  Here’s a guy who LITERALLY murdered his girlfriend’s entire family.  And, yet, he somehow manages to turn the story of how he did it into a GUILT TRIP against his girlfriend for being willing to die to SAVE HIS LIFE!

At the end of the flashback, Stefan tells Elena that HE never gave up on life, despite having once been a Sociopathic Mass Murderer, so she shouldn’t give up either.  Ummmm . . .  How sweet (?)

“It was a solid effort.  But you are still not getting laid this weekend, you Gilbert EATER!”

Speaking of relics of the past, let’s talk about BONNIE’S POWERS!

From Bewitched to Un-witched

“When I said I was looking for a new ‘Choker,’ this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind . . .”

Oh, Bonnie!  You didn’t really think you’d be able to Mind Rape Luka —

 . . . son of the Big Bad Jonas Brother from Another Mother —  and NOT suffer any consequences, as a result, did you?  Awwww, YOU DID, DIDN’T YOU?  That sucks!

When we first see Bonnie, her and Jeremy are alternating between eye f*ckery, and dancing around the issue of their little makeout session from last week . . .

After THAT KISS, and weeks and weeks of these two circling one another like dogs in heat, I REALLY can’t believe that Bonnie is STILL yammering on with her whole “What will Elena think, if I start boning her brother?” nonsense.  It’s annoying!

Jeremy obviously thinks so too.  But, fortunately, for Bonnie, he  unlike ME also finds it endearing.  For this reason, Jeremy plans to woo Bonnie by planning a not-date / date — one that expertly masquerades as “Witch Practice.” 

Damn, I’m SMOOOOTH!”

That being said, I did have a teensy weensy bit of an issue about Jeremy using thousands of friggin candles as “date decoration.”  Not only is that a MAJOR FIRE HAZARD (Honestly, doesn’t the Gilbert Household have enough PROBLEMS, without you trying to BURN IT DOWN, Scrappy Doo?), it also kept reminding me of the LAST TIME Bonnie and Jeremy found themselves surrounded by similar “date decorations” . . .

Yeah . . . ummm . . . Jeremy?  Last I checked, kidnapping, mind rape, and spell-induced seizures?  Not exactly romantic!

Fortunately for Jeremy, Bonnie isn’t bothered by the candles nearly as much as I am.  And, within moments, her and Jeremy are dry humping “channeling eachother’s energies” on the floor.  (So, that’s what the kids are  calling it, nowadays! ;))

Then, suddenly, THIS HAPPENS . . .

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*sings*  “Ooh, what a feelin’!  When you’re dancin’ on the ceiling!”

That’s right, boys and girls!  As it turns out, Papa Warlock is not too keen on the whole “Mind Rape of his Son” thing.  So, after throwing Jeremy AGAINST THE WALL OF HIS OWN HOUSE, and MAKING HIM STICK THERE, like a Giant Human Spitball, Jonas turns his attention to Bonnie, who he strangles, while chanting gibberish.  “This is for your own good,” he tells her.

When Jonas finally lets Bonnie go, and Jeremy can peel himself off the wall, the latter rushes to his new gal pal’s side, to make sure she’s OK.  “He took my powers,” Bonnie gasps, as if unable to believe that this is really happening to her. 

(OH, BELIEVE IT HONEY!  BECAUSE IT”S TRUE!  A guy like Jonas, who can murder dozens of werewolves with a Headache Spell, can SURELY take away YOUR lame-ass powers, in a heartbeat.)

“I’ll get you my, Bonnie!  And your Mini Gilbert too!”

All kidding aside, I actually think there is something to be said for Jonas’ seemingly throwaway comment to Bonnie that he took her powers away, for her own good.  After all, we all know that WITCHES are extremely important to vampires, particularly ORIGINAL vampires like Santa Klaus, who are intent on breaking the Moonstone Curse.  We also know that Jonas’ daughter is being held captive by Klaus BECAUSE of her powers.  If Bonnie is just boring and annoying normal, she will no longer be at risk to be targeted by dangerous supernatural creatures with ulterior motives.  Just sayin’!

Uh Oh!  Bonnie didn’t seem to like that comment.  I really hope she doesn’t give me . . . Oh wait, that’s right, she can’t do ANYTHING to me anymore, can she?  Because she doesn’t have powers!  HAHA! 😉

Now that we’ve gotten all THAT out of the way, on to the GOOD STUFF . . .

*ahem*  Good “stuff” indeed!

Elijah Does His Best Impression of Kenny from South Park

Oh My GOD!  You killed ELIJAH . .  . and un-killed him . . . and killed him again!  YOU BASTARDS!

When we last saw Damon, he was a bit . . . indisposed . . .

But now, our sexy vampire stud is BACK, and READY FOR BUSINESS!  And this week, that “business” involves killing Elijah (TO SAVE his future girlfriend ELENA . . . WHO HE LUUUUUUVES, of course). 

To do this, Damon plans to use a Special Dagger, coated with dust from a White Oak tree . . .

According to Creepy Uncle / Father John, only THIS type of dagger can kill an original vampire.  But Damon (wisely, as it turns out) doesn’t 100% trust Creepy Uncle / Father John.  And so, to corroborate the legend, our Lonely Lothario decides to pay a little visit to the tomb-trapped Katherine, who, admittedly, has been looking a bit, worse for wear, of late . . .

 SOMEONE needs to moisturize!  Oh . . . and that Bottlecap Nose Ring of yours?  Not cute . . . AT ALL!

Katherine perks up a bit, when Damon feeds her some blood.  However, that happiness appears short-lived, when Damon starts discussing how he plans to kill Elijah.  “If you kill Elijah, I will be stuck in here forever!”  Katherine lies through her fangs exclaims!

This FACE = HILARIOUS!

Damon immediately takes Katherine’s faux frightened response as confirmation that John was right.  Originals CAN be killed!  And this dagger is the way to kill them!  With the murder weapon confirmed, Damon begins to put Phase Two of his plan into motion.  He does this by compelling his new Stepford Sex Toy Andie to invite Elijah, Jenna, and Alaric all over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome for a Dinner Party . . .

“Just because I’m planning to kill you, doesn’t mean I don’t have a Massive Boy Crush on you, Elijah . . . you heartbreaking, hair-flipping stud, you!”

(Speaking of homoerotic, did anybody else notice the MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF MASCARA AND GUYLINER Alaric was wearing, this week?  What was up with that?)

Don’t even TRY to tell me that’s natural!  It’s NOT!

As for the Dinner Party itself, it is probably one of the most awkward, bizarre, and hysterical social events of the ENTIRE SERIES!  I mean, first you’ve got Elijah . . .

 . . . who’s alternating between flirting shamelessly with EVERYONE in the house (male AND female) threatening Damon and Alaric that he will KILL the entire guest list, if they try any “funny stuff” (like . . . say . . . trying to stab him with an oak-coated dagger), and spouting off lame, and incredibly BORING, historical tidbits about Mystic Falls . . .

Then, you’ve got Guyliner Alaric . . .

 . . . who spends most of the dinner pouting in the corner, because (1) he’s jealous of the attention Elijah is paying to Useless Aunt Jenna (though, admittedly it’s unclear WHICH of these two people he is actually jealous OF); and (2) he is certain that his bromantic buddy Damon is lying to him, when he says that the Dinner Party is nothing more than a “fact-finding mission.” (The only FACT Damon is interested in “finding” is how much an Original BLEEDS when he dies.)

Then, there’s Useless Aunt Jenna . .  . zzzzzzzzzz

 .  . . nd Stepford Sex Toy Andie, who Damon has probably compelled so many times that the entire frontal lobe of her brain has turned to cottage cheese . . .

*crickets chirping*

And .  . . WAIT A SECOND . . . who the heck invited Creepy Uncle / Father John?

When it comes time for “dessert,” Damon coyly separates Elijah from the pack so they can have AWESOMELY HOT VAMPIRE SEX he can stab his MASSIVELY OLD guts out.  And he is just about to do so, when, conveniently enough, Alaric gets a frantic call Stefan at the Lakehouse . . .

“Can you hear me now?  GOOD!”

As luck would have it, Jonathan Gilbert wrote about KILLING ORIGINALS in his diary.  There’s even a picture of that dagger John gave Damon in Jonathan’s writings.  And under the picture it says . . . THE DAGGER CAN ONLY BE USED BY A HUMAN . . . BECAUSE IF IT’S USED BY A VAMPIRE, THE VAMPIRE DIES TOO!

OH NO!  Creepy Uncle / Father John TRIED TO KILL MY DAMON by getting him to KILL MY ELIJAH!  THAT BASTARD!

Could someone remind me again WHY they put THIS GUY’S FINGERS BACK ON, afte Katherine CHOPPED THEM OFF in the season one finale? 

Just imagine how much TROUBLE could have been prevented, if these “little piggies” had gone into the trash compactor, like they were SUPPOSED TO!

Now, it’s important to note here, that AS SOON AS ELENA read the passage about Damon possibly dying, Stefan RUSHED RIGHT OFF TO CALL ALARIC, without reading the additional “rules” about the dagger.  Granted, this might have been necessary, because, Damon was just MOMENTS AWAY from stabbing Elijah, when Alaric ran in to hand him THIS . .  .

(Not that any of you care, but I have TERRIBLE handwriting, myself.  So, the fact that Alaric ALSO writes like a toddler, makes me like his character SO MUCH MORE!)

Needless to say, Damon is not pleased AT ALL . .  .

But then, just when you think Damon might do something rash, like murder Creepy Uncle/Father John (DO IT!  DO IT!  DO IT!), or start pummeling Elijah with his bare hands (which, admit it, would be really hot!), THIS HAPPENS . . .

And then Elijah starts to look like this . . .

. . . which is SO NOT A GOOD LOOK FOR HIM.  And it’s a TOTAL SHOCK, because, really, this is NOT the way you would expect a BAMF like Elijah to go out.  I mean, he wasn’t even standing when it happened, he was SITTING DOWN, TALKING ABOUT DULL ASS MYSTIC FALLS HISTORY, for crying out loud.  He didn’t even have time to do his trademark hair flip!  It would have been a travesty for Elijah to have died this way.  Notice, I said “would have been” . . .

So, while Team Bad Ass members, Damon and Alaric, are giving eachother manly backslaps . . .

 . . . and Alaric is whining to Damon, about how he’s his only friend (NOT TRUE!), so he should be more honest with him (well  . . . THAT part is true!) . . .  Stefan has finally decided to let Elena read the REST of Jonathan’s entry about the dagger.  And get this:  it turns out, an Original is only dead for as long as the DAGGER STAYS IN HIS BODY.   ONCE YOU . . .

 . . . ahem . . . EXTRACT IT . . . The Original  Vampire COMES BACK TO LIFE!

So, let me get this straight . . . “pull IT out” = nothing happens

“keep IT in” = DEAD VAMPIRE FOR ALL ETERNITY

In other words, this is The Rhythm Method of Vampire Murder. . .  and Alaric, who has always been a “pull it out” kind of guy . . .

 . . . didn’t exactly DO IT correctly, if you catch my drift.

So, we cut back to Damon, who, after promising his BOYFRIEND that he won’t “lie to him anymore,” has returned to the basement to collect his Original Vampire Trophy. 

Oh yeah, Elijah is SO ALIVE and SO MIA!  (And I hate to say it, but I’m kind of glad.)  I bet you can’t guess where our Undead-undead BAMF-pire went next?

That’s right, Fangbangers!  A gentleman until the very end, Elijah WALKED his beautiful butt ALL THE WAY TO THE LAKE HOUSE, so that he could PERSONALLY tell Elena that, in light of recent events, all promises he originally made regarding Scooby Gang protection were hereby waived.

“You have nothing left to negotiate with,” Elijah explains, with what I detect is a genuine note of sadness.  (I really think the Old Vamp had a soft spot for our Elena.  And why not? EVERYBODY ELSE DOES.)

But Elena DOES have a bargaining chip.  “Promise me you won’t harm anyone I love, even if they harmed you.  Otherwise, I will stab myself to death with this dagger.  Then Stefan will turn me.  And I will become a vampire.  Just like Katherine did.  And you will have nothing.”

Elijah smiles, clearly enjoying this.  “I’m going to have to call your bluff,” he explains.

Then THIS HAPPENS!

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Now, the usually calm Elijah is FREAKING THE F*&K OUT!  “Yes, yes, you have the deal .  . . LET ME HEAL YOU!” Elijah exclaims. 

And it’s awesome seeing him unhinged like this.  Somehow, Elena, has managed to get the upper hand over an original vampire, in a way that nobody else has been able to so far.  HE NEEDS HER.  After securing Elijah’s word that he will not harm the people she loves, a dying Elena moves toward Elijah . . . and . . . STABS HIM IN THE STOMACH WITH THE ORIGINALS KILLING KNIFE!

Now, Elijah is dead . . . for real this time .  . . which, actually saddens me.  I’m going to miss THIS . . .

And so will DAMON, I think!  Speaking of Damon, it is at this moment that he MAGICALLY APPEARS . . .

“Just a tip.  Don’t pull the dagger out,” Big Bro Salvatore notes wryly.  (OH DAMON!  How I love you, let me count the ways!)

Speaking of people of I love, HOW AWESOME IS ELENA!  Then, after singlehandedly saving the day, our girl impresses me even further by giving her vampire men the WHAT FOR, for WRONGLY ASSUMING they knew better than she did how to handle this whole “Doppelganger” THING.  “You want me to fight?  I’ll fight, but you can’t keep things from me anymore.  From this moment on, we do things MY WAY,” Elena demands, in a surprisingly KATHERINE-LIKE TONE.

The boys AGREE!  And I’ll say it again, ELENA RULES!

Oh . . . to be in the middle of this Salvatoreo Sandwich right now!

In other news, Useless Jenna sort of /kind of dumped Alaric for being dishonest to her about TWO SEASONS WORTH OF VAMPIRE DIARIES EPISODES ex-wife Isobel and her undeath. 

Maybe she’s not so useless after all . . . (Wait . . . did I just say that?)

Then, Alaric surprisingly relented and gave Creepy Uncle /Father John the UglyAss Ring of Immortality he TOTALLY DOESN’T DESERVE, warning him, “After what you did to Damon, you are going to need it more than I am.”

Be afraid, ASSHAT!  BE VERY AFRAID!

Back in the AWESOME SHOWER fo La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .

Just reminding you why it’s awesome . . . that’s all!

Damon walks in on THIS . . .

And my TEAM DELENA heart starts doing this . . .

But, of course, it’s not’s Elena . . . It’s KATHERINE!  That’s right, Damon!  Killing Elijah didn’t TRAP the Sexy Vamp in the tomb forever, it FREED HER FROM the Original’s Compulsion! 

Remember how earlier in the season Creepy /Uncle Father John promised Katherine that he had set plans in motion to get her out of the tomb, so that SHE could help protect Elena from Klaus?  Well THIS was exactly what he meant .  . . killing Damon was probably just be an added bonus for HIM.

However, it happened, KAT IS NOT ONLY BACK, SHE IS MOVING IN TO LA CASA DE RICH AND AWESOME?  Does this mean us Kefan fans will FINALLY get the sex scene we were so RUDELY denied a few episodes back? 

Here’s HOPING!

Something tells me, Elena is NOT GOING TO BE PLEASED!

Let the Doppelganger Hijinx ENSUE!  You can check out the EXTENDED version of next week’s promo, “The House Guest,” right here. 

Do I sense some HOT Delena moments in our near future?  I SURE DO!  (Who cares if it’s a case of mistaken identity?  They ARE RUBBING UP ON EACHOTHER.  AND I’m HAPPY, DAMMIT!)

It’s only a matter of time!

And that’s all I’ve got folks.  Feel free to sound off in the comment section about “The Dinner Party,” and/or your thoughts on “The House Guest.”  Are you sad Elijah’s gone for good?  Are you psyched for Katherine’s return?  What is the most AWFUL TORTUROUS death to which Damon can subject Creepy Uncle / Father John?  My vote is for something that involves leeches . . . and private parts.  But that’s just me ;).

See ya next week, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

When the Going Gets Tough (the Tough Get Tortured)- A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Crying Wolf”

Poor Damon!  This was really NOT your episode, was it?  NO Sexy Shirtless Bathtime Fun, NO scenes with ELENA, TOTALLY SHOWED UP by Vampire Elijah, and FORCED to be the Masochist in some Random Werewolf’s Creepy S&M Fantasy.  Methinks SOMEONE needs a hug, BIGTIME!

Well this was a rather eventful episode, wasn’t it?  Here’s just a quick rundown of SOME of the things that happened on TVD this week: Salvatore Brothers and witches got tortured; werewolves got their hearts ripped out; we started to HATE Tyler; we began to LOVE Tyler again, and then he LEFT  Elijah OWNED us all; and Jeremy and Bonnie started swapping spit. 

Whew!  Just thinking about it, makes me all tired and sweaty . . .  In fact, you know what I need now?  A SHOWER!

And THAT was the unnatural and manipulative way I managed to work Naked Damon into this recap . . . Any questions?

Prepare to have your hearts ripped out TVD fans.   Because this recap is about to begin  . . .

And then there were THREE . . .

It’s fitting that this episode was entitled “Crying Wolf” because most of those EVIL VAMPIRE-TORTURING WEREWOLVES finally friggin died!  GOOD RIDDENS! After all, the hour’s opening moments featured Soul Crusher Jules and Wereoaf Brady tearfully preparing to BURN their dead, after last week’s Were/Vamp/Witch Showdown.  Then THIS GUY appears literally out of no where .  . .

And he just starts babbling on . . . and ON .  .. and ON, as if we are automatically supposed to know who the f*&k he is, but we DON’T.  We don’t really care who he is either.  Because he’s a WEREWOLF, who is not Tyler, which, by definition, means he SUCKS ASS.  Nevertheless, Random Dude played an important enough part in this episode that I am unfortunately required give him a name.  So, I will: Weredork.

Anyway, Weredork helpfully informs Soul Crusher Jules and Wereoaf Brady that, since Mason was hanging out with Vampire Katherine before he croaked, and seemed intent on finding the Moonstone, one can deduce that: (1) Team Salvatore jacked the Moonstone, after murdering Mason; and (2) they are currently collecting all the ingredients they need to break the Moonstone Curse.  As loyal  TVD fans, we know that Weredorks assessment of Team Salvatore is only half-true.  But, for now, we are willing to go with it, anyway (if only so Weredork will finally shut the hell up) . . .

Wereoaf Brady responds to this new discovery, by saying, in his typical overly simplistic Comic Book Villain way, “We can’t let that happen, even if we have to kill EVERY LAST VAMPIRE . . .”

[Insert Cheesy Maniacal Laugh Here]

(Coincidentally, here are some OTHER things Wereoaf Brady would view as justification to “KILL EVERY LAST VAMPIRE:”  (1) A vampire stole his girlfriend; (2) a vampire THOUGHT about stealing his girlfriend; (3) a vampire stole his Cocoa Puffs (Thereby, driving him cuckoo.); (4) a vampire has a better Maniacal Laugh than he does; (5) a vampire has more hair than he does . . .)

From the Dog Poo-Covered Forest of the Were People, we are then transported to a much Kinder, Gentler Locale, namely Vampire Barbie’s Dream House, where Vampire Barbie, herself, is cuddled up in bed with BOTH Elena and the Witchy Bonnie.  (Male Fantasy, much?)

“Hello, LADIES!  Got room for one more?”

The phone rings.  And Elena literally falls out of her bed and onto her rump, trying to answer it.  And all I can say, is that I WISH someone had a GIF of this moment that I can share with you.  Because, to me, anyway, watching Ridiculously Attractive People Fall Down (provided nobody gets seriously hurt, of course) is ALWAYS funny.

Oooh . . . wait . . . nevermind!  I just found one!

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Not surprisingly, Elena’s Gentleman Caller just so happens to be Stefan.  (CLEARLY, this vampire has never learned the “Don’t Call a Girl’s House Before 10 a.m. on Weekends, Because She Needs Her Beauty Sleep” Rule.)  Fortunately, for Stefan though, Elena doesn’t seem to mind being woken up too much . . .

Is it just me, or does the above screencap look EXACTLY like one of those Love Line ads they air on television at 3 a.m?  You know . . . the ones that promise Very Lonely Men that if they “CALL NOW, for only a $1.95 a minute, they can have phone sex with Criminally Underage Females?”

Speaking of Sex Lines, as far as Phone Sex Operators go, Elena would a be a NATURAL!  Observe the kittenish, and almost nauseatingly flirtatious, way in which she tells Stefan she wants to “have a Slumber Party with him,” and convinces him to drop everything, for an impromptu weekend getaway at her family’s lakehouse.  Fortunately for Stefan, he’s been around long enough to recognize an Opportunity for Lots of Sex when he sees one.  And so, he instantly accepts his girlfriend’s invitation.

“Who’s your Pimp Daddy?  Awww yeah, it’s ME!”

Speaking of BIG PIMPS . . .

Mama’s Got a Brand New Scarf . . .

Woah . . . Alaric looks REALLY jealous . . . of Andie!

Those of you who watched last week’s installment of TVD (and, seriously, how could you NOT HAVE?  It was SO AWESOME!), know that it ended with a Wet and Soapy Damon getting hot and heavy with a certain “Action News” reporter . . .

Well, it turns out she spent the night with Damon at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  (Sorry LADIES!)  The next morning, (just like Damon’s LAST Sex Toy, Caroline) we find Andie sporting a telltale new scarf around her undoubtedly vampire Hickey-covered neck, and cheerfully obeying every Damon’s every command.  Before she leaves, Andie helpfully informs Damon that Elijah will be hosting a Historical Society Event in town.  Damon’s curiousity is piqued by this information, because he has a TOTAL Man Crush on Elijah.  (Can you blame him?)

Then, Damon catches Andie at the door, and pulls her into his hypnotic gaze, “You are falling hard [for me],” he commands.  (Not that he NEEDS to do this, mind you, given who he is, and WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE NAKED).

“You may be the one,” a Tranced Out Andie agrees before exiting .

By the way, Delena fans will proudly note that Damon clearly COULD HAVE used this trick on Elena,  back during “Rose,” when he first confessed his love for her.  He DIDN’T, of course, because he DOES LOVE HER, and wants what they have together to remain REAL and PURE.  (Regarding My Favorite TVD Scene EVER, we sort of get to revisit it, later in this episode.  But not exactly in the way you might think  . . .)

It’s Time for a Little Bromance!

Speaking of people who are not-so-secretly in love with Damon (See what I did there? ;)), his Bromantic Buddy, Alaric, is waiting in the wings for Andie to leave, so that the pair can engage in a much-needed Team Bad Ass Reunion . .

The two immediately begin gossiping like school girls, with Damon noting how “excited” he is to crash Elijah’s Historical Society Tea Party.  “Oooh!  What are you going to wear?”  Alaric coos excitedly, secretly hoping that Damon has decided to wear nothing at all . . . You’re not planning to KILL Elijah at his own Tea Party, are you [ because that would just be RUDE]?”  Alaric, ever the Master of Decorum, inquires with concern.

“No . . . but I think it’s time we met,” Damon replies.

Ummm .  . . Damon, haven’t you ALREADY met Elijah?  (And by “met” I mean,  “staked his ass once.  Then, a few episodes later, watched in horror, as he ripped the hearts out of two vampires at once, with the same ease, and lack of concern, with which most people take peanut butter out of the pantry.”)

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That’s right!  You BETTER BOW DOWN!

Surprisingly, Damon actually DOES want to hook up with talk to Elijah, BEFORE he kills him.  Specifically, Damon hopes that Elijah will let him in on his TRUE intentions regarding Elena.  But, considering Elijah, is NOT THAT DUMB, it’s probably a good thing that Caroline, Bonnie and Jeremy have a MUCH STUPIDER subject from whom this information can be obtained, namely, Luka the Puke-a!

She put a spell on YOU!

That’s right, Boys and Girls!  Luka (a.k.a. Wind Orgasm Guy) . . .

 . . . knows what Elijah’s been hiding!  (Him and Big Bad Warlock, Papa Jonas, are in cahoots with the guy, after all.)  And, unlike Elijah, Luka’s not smart enough to keep all this a secret from his nemeses . . .

A Warning to Jeremy:  Do NOT F*&K with BONNIE BENNETT!  When her boyfriends screw her over, she gets revenge, BIG TIME.  And, judging by what she did to Luka this week, if you screw this up, headaches are going to be the LEAST of your problems, Mini Gilbert!

“Is it too late to un-cancel my subscription to Match.com?”

While Caroline and Jeremy look on, with a mixture of awe, and horror, Bonnie pretty much singlehandedly (1) lures Luka into her Witchy Web . . .

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 . . . (2) mind-f*&ks him into unconsciousness; (3) drags him back to her house; (4) makes him have a REALLY PAINFUL LOOKING seizure  (Then again . . . is there really any other kind of seizure, besides a REALLY PAINFUL ONE?)

. . . (5) puts him in a trance . . .

. . . (6) gets him to reveal information about Elijah that’s ALMOST DEFINITELY going to get him murdered; (7) and then makes him forget the whole incident ever happened . . .

Enjoy your blissful ignorance while it lasts, Luka!  Because once Elijah finds out what you told Bonnie, trance or no trance, the only “more screentime” you will be getting is a not-particularly-well-attended funeral!

What we learn from Luka through this, admittedly immoral, interrogation process, is the following:  (By the way, forgive me for the extensive use of LISTS in this recap.  It just seems kind of necessary, given everything we’ve learned this week.) : (1) Elijah’s ULTIMATE plan is to kill Santa Klaus . . .

(2) Since Santa Klaus is OLD AS F*&K, the only way to KILL HIM is to make him vulnerable.  And the only way to make him VULNERABLE, is to perform the Moonstone Sacrifice.  After THAT sacrifice is performed, Klaus will be temporarily weakened.  And Elijah can go in for the kill. 

(3) In order for this to happen, Elena must DIE . . .

(4) Finally, not that we actually CARE, but Jonas and Luka are working with Elijah, because he promised to release Luka’s sister from Santa Klaus’ clutches, if they agreed to give the BAD ASS MO FO a helping hand.

Mind Rape of Luka completed, Bonnie promptly calls Damon to share this information with HIM, who, in turn calls Stefan.  (It’s like PLAYING TELEPHONE!)  Then, the Little Witch turns her attention to Mini Gilbert, whose been giving the girl Puppy Dog Eyes the WHOLE NIGHT!

“Roof-Roof, Bow-Wow”

Bonnie soon launches into another one of her ENDLESS TIRADES about why she can’t be with Jeremy.  “I’ve known you forever,” explains Bonnie matter-of-factly.  “I’ve seen you through your Awkward Phase . . .

 . . . your Emo Phase . . .

 . . . and your Druggie Phase . . .”

(Ummm . . . yeah Bonnie?  Don’t act like your so special.  We’ve seen all those “phases” too.  They happened over the course of about five episodes . . .)

“But now, you’ve turned into this HOT GUY, who’s really sweet,” Bonnie concludes.

Mini Gilbert may be a bit younger than the rest of his Scooby Crew.  But he’s NO DUMMY!  He knows an INVITATION when he sees one.  And so he pulls his Witchy Woman in close for a Big Juicy Wet One . . .

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I’m happy for your Mini Gilbert.  Really, I am.  But, like I said earlier, just do yourself a BIG favor, and DON’T MAKE HER ANGRY!

Because if you do, you may not live to regret it.

Speaking of people you REALLY shouldn’t mess with . . .

Damon Gets Pinned to the Wall (and not in a good way) . . .

So, I mentioned earlier, that Damon was headed to a little Tea Party to have a little meeting with the Big Bad Elijah.  Needless to say,  it doesn’t go well . . .

Elijah thinks Damon should KNOW HIS ROLE (i.e. protect Elena, and otherwise, BUTT OUT!)  “The moment you cease to be of use to me, you are dead.  So, you should do what I say,” threatens Elijah.

Not typically one to do what he’s told, Damon is not cool with this . . . AT ALL . . .  But he gets a bit cooler with it, after Elijah shoves him in to a wall, and sticks a pencil in his neck .  . .  OUCH!

Needless to say, it’s been a rough day for Damon, and he’s VERY MUCH looking forward to a nice relaxing evening spent having sex withgossiping with Alaric about his new girlfriend, and Elijah’s awesome hair.  Unfortunately, Damon can’t relax long, because he has WERE-Company . . .

Before Damon can say, “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf,” Alaric has been shot, and is playing dead.  (Don’t forget, dude’s got the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality on his side!)

“Jewelry is a man’s best friend!”

. . . and Damon himself has been made into a Sex Museum Exhibit, by Jules, the Weredork , and some soon-to-be-dead Were-extras . . .

Having been on the OTHER SIDE of this situation not so long ago, Damon can’t help but note the irony of it all . . .

But then ELIJAH THE AWESOME ARRIVES!  Once at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elijah begins doing what he does best, i.e. ripping  the hearts out of random pesky supernatural creatures (like Weredork), and assorted TVD extras, who are not playing nice with his new Man Friend, Damon . . .

Needless to say, this is the third time Elijah has spared / saved Damon’s life in furtherance of the promise he made to Elena back during Episode 10.  Understandably, Damon is impressed and more than a bit turned on.

Unfortunately, however, Soul Crusher Jules got away, before Elijah had the chance to literally RIP HER A NEW ONE . . .

“Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah, I still have my [non-functioning and black as coal] heart!”

(Elijah always did seem to have a bit of a soft spot, for the LADIES, if you know what I mean . . .)

But aside from THAT major (not to mention highly plot convenient) misstep, on Elijah’s part, most of the pesky were-losers are now dead, Alaric is OK, Damon is safe, sound, and has a brand new role model, and everyone (involved this plotline, at least) can, for now, live happily ever after . . .

Well . . . except for Useless Aunt Jenna . . .

  . . .  who thinks her boyfriend, Alaric, stood her up because he was “grading papers and fell asleep; and can’t understand why she’s stuck living in such a BORING TOWN! 😉

Meanwhile, over at the Lakehouse . . .

 Ding Dong the Wereoaf’s Dead (and Tyler’s regretful, and Elena’s got some ‘splaining to do)

While Elena waxes poetic about her long-term future with Stefan (in a scene which is a bit snoozy, and nauseatingly Twilight-esque, but actually ends up being REALLY important . . .) . . . the EEEVVILL WEREWOLVES are plotting to ensure that the Happy Couple’s IMMEDIATE future will SUCK royally  . . .

Tyler has just arrived at the Were-house.  So, Weredork decides to fill him in on the whole “Moonstone Curse” thing . . .

“I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking that my whole purpose in this episode is to impart all the BORING, but important, information that the characters and you need to know to understand what’s going on here.  Then, I have to DIE fast, before my presence becomes too tiresome to TVD fans, predisposed to hate my guts.  But, actually . . . no . . . come to think of it . . . that’s exactly right.”

Weredork dully explains to Tyler how the Moonstone Curse restricts vampires from walking in daylight (unless, of course, they have Sunscreen Rings),  and forces werewolves to change during the full moon.  If the vampires break the curse, they can walk around outside anytime they want (which, most of them can do ANYWAY, due to Sunscreen Rings).  But, if WEREWOLVES break the curse, they can turn at will, and don’t HAVE to transform, during the Full Moon.  This of course, means they don’t have to turn AT ALL, if they choose not to do so.

Tyler likes this idea, VERY MUCH!  Gee, I wonder why?

Weredork also explains to Tyler that the Petrova Doppelganger, who LOOKS like Mason’s ex girlfriend Katherine, is NEEDED to break the curse.  (Of course, he carefully leaves out WHY she’s needed, and what she would have to do to actually break it.)  An-Eager-to-Please Tyler douchebaggily helpfully points out that ELENA is the Petrova Doppelganger, after seeing a picture of her look-a-like Katherine.  Tyler even goes as far as to offer to help find his so-called “friend.”

Tyler does this, by bumping into Caroline at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  He then pretend  to try to apologize to her again for standing around and doing NOTHING, like a TOTAL jackass, last week, while she was getting TORTURED by his Were-Loser Friends.  Needless to say, Tyler’s lame APOLOGY fails miserably.  But THIS doesn’t . . .

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*cough a$$hole cough*

Of course, like many of you, I don’t initially notice Tyler surreptitiously putting Caroline’s cellphone in his butt pocket, after he accidentally / on purpose bumps into her.  (People can itchy back there, sometimes, you know?)  So, when Elena gets a text from “Caroline” asking to talk, and she replies that she’s headed to the Lakehouse, I think that text is REALLY from Caroline. 

So, when  the camera paned up from the phone to EVIL TYLER, wearing a Cat Who Ate the Canary expression on his face . . .

SMUG BASTARD!

  .  . . I may or may not have thrown a pillow (or ten) at the television screen . . .

Just sayin . . .

Meanwhile, Stefan and Elena are at the Lakehouse, enjoying their time together, by HAVING SEX exploring their surroundings. (Seriously?  Because if it was DAMON, you just know they’d be HAVING SEX!)  After all, Elena hasn’t visited the Lakehouse, since her parents died.  And there  is much teary-eyed reminiscing to be done.  That being said, there are SOME things in your childhood vacation home that you shouldn’t go searching for, when your boyfriend is in town . . .

The Awkward Moment when your Vampire Boyfriend finds your Parents’ Secret Vampire Slayer Weapons Stash . . .

But before Elena even has the chance to come up with a convincing lie as to what these “tools” were used for (“Ummmm, my parents were REALLY Aggressive Gardeners?”), Stefan and Elena learn that they are not-so-much alone in the Lakehouse.  Then, THIS happens . . .

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To add insult to injury, Tyler is there too, looking particularly menacing (and, regrettably, very hot).

On the ground, and writhing in pain, Stefan begs Tyler for help.  “We don’t want to break the Moonstone Curse,” Stefan pleads to his “friend.”

“But I DO,” replies Tyler, before shooting him in the leg. (Oooh, Steffy!  Bet you didn’t see that one coming, did you?)

While Tyler continues to hold Stefan at gunpoint, Wereoaf Brady chases Elena around the Lakehouse, saying creepy things to her like, “I can smell you.”  (Is it just me, or does Elena get chased around houses by psychos, EVERY SINGLE EPISODE?)

“Awwww, man, NOT AGAIN!  This kickass boots I’m wearing are simply not made for running stairs.”

Fortunately, for Elena, she manages to incapacitate Wereoaf Brady, long enough for a now-conscious Stefan to rip out his heart, Elijah Style (Am I spotting a new- trend here?)

Hey, Elena . . . guess what we’re having for dinner tonight?  I hear it tastes JUST LIKE CHICKEN!”

(By the way, is it just me, or do the “hearts” on this show always seem to resemble hand grenades?  Maybe that is supposed to be “symbolic” or something . . .)

Nice knowin’ ya, Wereoaf Brady!  That’s what ya get, for Screwing with Vampire Barbie!

Stefan briefly contemplates de-hearting Tyler too.  But, ultimately, he decides against it.  Instead, the Younger Salvatore informs the Temporary Villain that this Moonstone Curse he seems so intent on breaking, requires Elena to DIE, in order for him to accomplish it. 

“I’m sorry Elena.  I didn’t know what they were going to do to you.  I just didn’t want to be like this anymore,” Tyler mumbles guiltily.

Too little, too late?  I’d say so, if I was Elena.  But our girl, Gilbert, has a heart of PURE GOLD.  And she responds to Tyler’s admittedly inadequate apology for breaking into her dead parents’ home, SHOOTING HER BOYFRIEND, and stalking her with a Were-oaf, by offering him up one of her trademark hugs . . .

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Hugs by Elena:  They can turn even the baddest of boys, GOOD!  Just ask THIS GUY!

Wonder of wonders, Elena’s Magic Hug does seem to do it’s job on Tyler.  Toward the end of the episode, our favorite Teen Wolf once again heads to the Scene of the Phone-Stealing Crime (Seriously, I hope he RETURNED that!  Caroline seems like a gal who REALLY likes her phone).   Once again, he confronts Matt, with whom he had “words” earlier on in the episode . . .

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Apparently, Clueless Matt is FINALLY getting tired of being lied to.  He also realizes that Tyler and Caroline are obviously in love are the ones doing most of the lying to him.  Understandably, it pisses him off.  Tyler, who recognizes this, comes clean to Matt, by saying the SWEETEST PRO-FORWOOD SPEECH IMAGINABLE!

And here it is:

“I’ve been going through a rough time, something I can’t really talk about. And Caroline’s been helping me through it. She’s been there for me, more than anyone’s ever been there my entire life. And I kinda fell for her. I don’t know how anyone wouldn’t because she’s pretty incredible. She loves you, and she needs you. And to be honest, she deserves someone like you, so you be good to her. Okay?”

You can watch the scene, in all it’s Forwoody Awesomness, here:

Honestly?  I know it doesn’t take back his pansy-assedness of last week, or his douchiness of this one.  And yet, Tyler’s speech to Matt, which SO OBVIOUSLY came out of the Damon Salvatore: Bad Boy Pining and Self-Sacrificing for Dummies Handbook, by the way,  (Watch that FABULOUS scene from “Rose” again, and compare, if you don’t believe me!).

“I know, I’m awesome!”

 . . . had the impact of giving me TOTAL amnesia of all of Tyler’s bad acts, and only leaving me with THIS . . .

Oh, yeah!  I’m THAT easy!

And, BECAUSE, af ter a brief hiatus, I am now totally on Team Tyler again, I found the end of the episode, in which Tyler visits Caroline secretly, one last time . . .

 . . . leaves his own mother a Dear John note . . .

 . . . and escapes to Lord Knows Where, but definitely away from Mystic Falls, with Soul Crusher Jules . . .

 . . . so incredibly hearbreaking.

Not that I don’t think that Tyler will be BACK, or anything.  Because he TOTALLY WILL!  The question is, however  . . . will Caroline be waiting for him, when he returns . . .

*Sigh* MAN, I hope so!  Because this . . .

 . . . is not something you can just throw away!

Did I mention that, when Stefan learns Elijah’s true intentions from Damon, and confronts Elena about how her “friend” basically wants her to DIE, she says that ALREADY KNOWS, AND DOESN”T GIVE TWO SH*TS?

Contrary to what we might have assumed, Elijah did NOT trick Elena into thinking he was going to save her, when he had no intention of doing so.  Rather, Elena VOLUNTARILY agreed to sacrifice her life, so that Elijah would spare the lives of the people she loves (LIKE DAMON!).  Stefan, of course, is so TOTALLY not cool with the idea of his girlfriend playing martyr . . .

He’s also kind of pissed at her for saying that the two had a “LONG FUTURE” ahead of them (back when she was trying to get into his pants, earlier on in the trip), when she knew all along that it wasn’t the case.  (See? I told you that sappy Stelena scene at the beginning of the episode would be important!)

And yet, watching this exchange, I found myself only thinking of ONE thing:  What’s DAMON going to do, when he finds out about Elena’s Quest for Martyrdom?  Because, you KNOW Damon’s going to have some sort of a plan to save his Lady Love!

Personally?   I’m hoping it involves him showing up in Elena’s bedroom naked, and COMPELLING her to want to stay alive, using body parts other than his eyes, if you catch my drift.  Of course, that’s just me .  . .

And that’s all I’ve got, Fangbangers!  As for next week’s TVD installment, “The Dinner Party” you can check out the Extended Promo here:

Dinner party hijinks?  Elijah being awesome?  Damon snarking at everyone?  A petulant Katherine?  The return of DARK STEFAN?  Am I the only one wishing it was Thursday, already?

See ya, then!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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