ELENA: *I will not think about the last time I saw Damon’s wet willy. I will not think about Damon’s wet willy. I will not think about . . .*
ELENA: “Yeah, Damon.”
DAMON: “You do realize you are speaking out loud, right?”
Woo! Welcome back, Fangbangers! I don’t know about you guys, but I am still riding on the SPECTACULAR HIGH that was watching this episode. I mean, talk about an hour of television that had something to offer everyone!
Well, unless you’re a Bonnie fan . . .
You like Team Ripper?
We got some of that!
You’re a fan of Salvatore Brother Bonding?
Yeah . . . we got that too.
Homoerotic Times with Jeremy and Matt?
Dysfunctional makeshift families, with weird,
yet oddly hot sexual tension?
Tyler defending Caroline’s honor, like a BAMF?
Umm . . . yeah . . . I guess.
AMAZING DELENA MOMENTS THAT ARE BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU CRY TEARS OF JOY, AND SEXY ENOUGH TO MAKE YOUR PANTIES FALL OFF?
OH HELL YESSSS!
OK . . . as usual, we have a TON to cover. So, chug down your vervain coffee, pack up all your nifty vampire slayer weapons, and don’t forget your beer, bong, or bathing suit. Because, it’s time to go for a little hike with our favorite Mystic Falls’ supes . . .
(As always, special thanks to Andre for the GLORIOUS screencaps you see here. Also, I must give a shout out to the BRILLIANT insolent gilbert tumblr. Whoever you are, you somehow READ MY MIND, this week, by seeming to capture NEARLY EVERY GIF I wanted! And I love you (in a completely platonic way, of course.
I’m saving myself for Damon Salvatore.)
“I’m Really Sorry Your Girlfriend’s Dead, But . . . No, I’m Really Not. Can We Please Talk About Stefan Some More?”
“Hey! Why are taking down your Stefan Stalker Board? I was hoping we could play a rousing game of Pin the Tail on the Murder Victim!”
Ahhh . . . what a difference a day makes. Around this time, a couple of days ago, the CW released this first scene of the episode as a webclip. And as a result, Elena and I were kind of in a fight.
“WTF, Recapper? I thought we were friends?”
I know, I know. Elena was all MOVED, by her BIG EMOTIONAL PHONECALL with Stefan . . .
“Can you hear me now? GOOD!”
And she REALLY, REALLY wanted to tell her man, Damon all about it, so that they could sit in bed together, and analyze the meaning of it all . . .
ELENA: “So, do you really think he likes me? Should I ask him to prom?”
DAMON: “Hmm . . . I don’t know . . . let’s sleep together on it.”
But, really, I mean, the guy’s girlfriend just DIED, like YESTERDAY, in TVD time! Soooo . . . a little sympathy might have been in order here. You know, maybe Damon could have used a big bear hug, like Elena gave him when
man-stealer Rose died . . .
Or at the very least, she could have offered up a “Golly gee, I’m sorry for your loss. It really sucks that my significant other KILLED yours.” (In her defense, I don’t think she realizes yet that Stefan was actually the one who killed Andie. Maybe she actually thinks “it’s just a coincidence.”)
At first blush, this first scene looked, more or less, like a carbon copy of the scene that took place toward the middle of “The Birthday,” (which, coincidentally, was also released by the CW as a webclip). In both scenes, Elena barges into Damon’s bedroom, like a nagging girlfriend (He’s right! She really CAN’T stay away!)
. . . and demands that Damon help her save Stefan. Also, in both scenes, Damon INSISTS that there is no longer a “good” Stefan to save. In fact, in this scene, Damon takes HIS argument, one step further, by actually BURNING the remnants of his previous search for his brother.
Cute butt alert!
However, after watching “The Hybrid,” I can now recognize that this scene HAD to kick off the episode, in order to further illuminate the state of mind changes both Elena and Damon underwent throughout the course of the hour . . . Damon, regarding his feelings about whether his brother is actually lost to him forever, and Elena regarding her recognition of her feelings toward Damon.
Needless to say, in light of how the episode ENDED, all is forgiven between Big E and me! 😉
(Of course, I am sure she will sleep much better at night knowing this . . .)
Knock, Knock. (Who’s There?) Girl with the CRAZY Scheme that’s Probably Going to Get Us All Killed . . .
ALARIC: “You just couldn’t get enough of my Chunky Monkey, could you?”
ELENA: “Wow! Is EVERY male character on this show going to show me his weiner this season?” (All fingers crossed.)
Alaric — is home in bed, a bottle of bourbon at his bedside — sleeping off his morning drunk, when he is awakened by a RUDE, and extremely insistent, knock at the door.
“Last night is still a little foggy. But I vaguely remember getting an ‘I Heart Useless Aunt Jenna’ Tattoo on my ass . . .”
Alaric immediately assumes its Damon. I suspect this is because Damon, like Elena, is known for being a particularly loud “knocker.” Of course, the homoeroticism seeker in me, can’t help but wonder whether this is because Damon has started to make morning visits to Alaric’s Chunky Monkey a secret habit of sorts . . . 😉
Anywhoo . . . since Damon has declined to play with her, Elena sincerely hopes that Alaric will be her Plus One in this week’s Save Stefan Games. After all, Alaric has been Damon’s plus one in the Save Stefan Games, since day one. And together the two have
drank A LOT of bourbon learned some valuable information about Stefan’s and Klaus’ whereabouts . . . like, for example the fact that they are currently tracking werewolves somewhere in Tennessee . . .
“Well, Elena. I must admit that wasn’t the sort of ‘game’ I had in mind to play with you. But I guess I’m willing to compromise.”
Initially, Alaric doesn’t seem all that enthused,
because he generally doesn’t like to do things without his boy, Damon. Part of Alaric, might also not believe that Elena’s actually going to go through with it.
“Well, don’t bother getting dressed, on my account, I have walked in on you having sex with my now-dead aunt on numerous occasions. I’ve seen it all before.”
But then, after Elena leaves Alaric’s place, she meets up with Tyler, who gives her SPECIFIC information about where exactly Tennessee werewolves are likely to SPEND the upcoming Full Moon.
This was a small scene, but one that I hold dear to my heart for a number of reasons. (1) It further illustrates the Elena / Tyler friendship, which I love. (2) It hints toward the fact that on Tyler’s
hiatus from the show month away from Mystic Falls, he may very well have been at werewolf camp, considering his seemingly extensive knowledge of where various packs hang out.
And (3) this is the first time we’ve actually heard Tyler express remorse over accidentally almost-killing Damon with his toxic werewolf teeth, an action which ultimately resulted in the development of Team Ripper, in the first place. (Sure, Caroline guilted him into this realization. But it’s certainly a start.)
YAY! Character growth!
So, now Elena RETURNS to Alaric (who’s now by the bar, of course). However, this time, she has with a slightly more specific plan and Stefan Hunting Location. Now, suddenly, Alaric is ALL IN! “I thought you said I could handle things on my own now?” Elena teased.
“I meant like frozen dinners, and SAT’s” Alaric clarified. (Hey Alaric, since we’re on the subject of SAT’S, how about you give me a synonym for the term “negligent.”)
“Let me get back to you on that one . . .”
And so, off head Elena and Papa Alchy-ric on a journey to the Big Ole Tennessee Mountains, where Klaus and Stefan are engaging in a little hiking trip of their own . . .
Hybrid Nation? More Like ZOMBIE Nation . . .
“Hi-ho, Hi-ho! It’s off to
hump eachother make an army we go!”
Mass murder and almost-letting-Stefan-succumb-to-a-nasty-case-of-were-rabies-aside, this was definitely the week that we got to see a softer, more paternalistic side of Klaus. I mean, sure, part of the Original Were-Vamp was probably just tired of Stefan’s “suffocating broodiness,” and sought to lighten the mood a bit. But I’d like to think that there was also a part of Klaus that was slightly concerned that carrying an Unconscious Seventh Heaven Guy for miles and miles up the Big Ole Tennessee Mountains was giving the “Rippah” a bad back . . .
Fortunately for Stefan, Team Ripper locates the werewolf pack in relatively short order. Once there, it is Stefan who garners the groups attention first, by tossing Seventh Heaven Guy’s body on the floor in front of them, a gesture that is immediately read as a mixture of “threat” and “peace offering.” “Who are you?” One of the female werewolves, who may or may not be Seventh Heaven Guy’s girlfriend asks.
I love that Klaus’ natural egoism / bratty unloved bastard childness, comes out here, as he poutily demands that the werewolves be asking who HE is, instead. Honestly, when Klaus uttered the iconic line, “The more important question is ‘Who Am I?,” I half expected Kristen Bell’s voice to appear in voice over and say, “That’s a secret I’ll never tell. XOXO. Gossip Girl!”
Grandiose entrances aside, as it turns out, no introductions were needed, since the same girl who inquired as to Stefan’s identity actually already seemed to know exactly who Klaus was. “You’re the only hybrid,” she says nervously.
WOW! I couldn’t help but wonder how this random Tennessee Werewolf knew this. I mean, is there like some Werewolf Tumblr or Twitter page to which these guys all subscribe to get news updates, as to the new supernatural being in town. After all, Klaus has only been “the only hybrid,” for a couple of months. News really must travel fast in Were World.
Tweet me, @BigBadWolf10!
Needless to say, Klaus is positively THRILLED that he has come to a place, much like the bar Cheers, where EVERYBODY knows his name . . . or, if not his name, at least his genus and species.
It’s time for Seventh Heaven Guy to wake up. The problem, of course, is that he’s looking a little worse for wear, what with his pale face, shivering body, and those pesky bloody tears streaming down his face. (Awwww, buck up, baby! You’re a special guest star! This is supposed to be FUN!)
Us TVD fans have become experts in the art of vampire conversion. So, we know that Seventh Heaven Guy must feed on human blood, in order to complete his transition into full-on hybrid, or else he will croak. Fortunately, that female werewolf, who I initially thought was Seventh Heaven Guy’s girlfriend, actually has a human boyfriend, who ends up with the unwelcome job of being BLOOD BANK for the entire soon-to-be-hybridized werewolf pack.
Seventh Heaven Guy — who’s father’s a Man of the Cloth, as many of you know — is initially hesitant to chow down on his human buddy. But Stefan ultimately convinces the preacher’s son to chow down. Otherwise, the Ripper warns, he will EAT THE WHOLE DAMN THING, himself (PIG!)
So, Seventh Heaven Guy gnaws on his friend, thinking he has just done him a solid, by saving him from Ripper Stefan’s Deadly Over-Eating Disorder. Little does he know that the Poor Pesky Human is about to become a One-Man Werewolf Country Buffet, and, therefore, won’t even survive the next commercial break. (It’s a real shame too. Because he was kind of hot.)
Though the werewolves honestly don’t seem all that eager to join Klaus’ Big Bad Hybrid Army (which, so far, seems to have no good reason for existing, other than the fact that Klaus thinks it’s cool), he eventually converts them all. And now there’s an ENTIRE FOREST full of shaky pale new baby werevamps with eyes filled with bloody, leaky tears.
Ahhh . . . but, therein lies the problem. You see, once the new were-vamps have fed on human blood, they are supposed to be BETTER, great even! But these hybrids must have come from the discount store, because they are clearly defective, lumbering around mindlessly, groaning, and more or less, DYING right before Klaus’ and Stefan’s eyes . . .
“Some Master Race,” scoffs Stefan.
But it turns out that at least ONE of the were vamps isn’t quite as defective as he once appeared. He quickly takes Stefan by surprise, by suddenly fiercely tackling the just-vampire, and biting him on the arm, in the exact same place where Tyler bit Damon last year.
Kinda looks like a BIG raspberry!
Having seen his brother suffer from were rabies, Stefan knows this isn’t exactly going to be a picnic. Fortunately, he’s hanging out with an Original Werevamp, the only known carrier of the were-rabies cure, right?
WRONG! After all, Klaus as we know, is the kind of guy who murders his entire family, and carts their coffins everywhere he goes. He’s not exactly warm and cuddly. Quite the contrary, actually. This is one SERIOUSLY SICK BASTARD. And this Sick Bastard refuses his supposed partner-in-crime the were rabies cure, UNLESS Stefan can successfully reclaim Seventh Heaven Guy, who has since ran away to parts unknown.
He might not look it in this picture, but I assure you, Hybrid!Seventh Heaven Guy is FAST!
Stefan pouts a bit, but eventually trudges off to find the Lost Camden Brother . . .
“Don’t Trust Vicki. (No Matter How Good of a Dancer She is . . .)
With his sister in Tennessee playing Save Stefan Games with Alaric, and his girlfriend off at Wicked Witch of the West Camp, Jeremy’s a bit bored. So, he decides to barge in on a half-naked Matt, while the latter is getting ready for work. (A bit convenient, don’t you think?)
Someone’s been working out since last season . . .
And I’m not the only one who’s noticed . . .
Matt teases Jeremy for being “one of those losers who comes to work on his day off
to bang shirtless boys in the backroom.” But Jeremy has more important things to worry about than whether his new pothead friend thinks he’s a loser. He wants to play Seance. And he wants Matt to play with him in more ways than one.
Jeremy explains to a dubious Matt, how, during one of his trademark internet searches, he discovered that ghosts are most likely to make contact with the living when faced with members of their family and their personal affects. (This reminds me . . . remember, back in Season 1, when Jeremy was just searching for “vampire porn” on the internet, a la Bella Swan? Good times.)
“Jacob Bella is HOT!”
Though, initially dubious, Matt reconizes that Jeremy knew a part of Vicki that Matt didn’t necessarily know
the slutty sexy part, and decides to direct his new pal to some boxes containing Vicki’s belongings. Unfortunately, the act of sorting through these belongings ends up depressing Matt so much, that he ends up kicking Jeremy out of the house, right when he’s managed to make directed contact with Matt’s dead sister.
Matt has undoubtedly begun to think that Jeremy is TOTALLY cracked, until “Vicki” knocks over a picture frame containing a picture of the siblings, right in front of Matt. And, suddenly, he’s a believer.
“IT’S A MIRACLE!”
Cut to later that evening, when Matt comes to Jeremy’s house bearing liquor (hint, hint, wink, wink), and a satchel filled with
sex toys Vicki’s belongings. Before Jeremy even has enough time to utter the words, “Let’s play Strip Ouiji Board,” Vicki appears to him.
And this time, she’s a bit more verbose than she has been in the past, possibly because Jeremy has ACTUALLY decided to ASK her what the f*&k she wants.
“I really just want to dance in my underwear to a Depeche Mode cover band again . . .”
Vicki tells Jeremy that she can be returned to the land of the living, but that she needs Jeremy to help her to do that. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you feel about vampire Vicki), the undead-but-now-dead vampire disappears, before Jeremy can get in as much as a word edgewise. *sigh* Typical ex-girlfriend!
Then BOTH Jeremy AND Matt are startled by the sound of the window breaking. They assume it’s Vicki again. But this time it’s Anna. And she looks PISSED (though, admittedly, that might just be what her perma-ghost face happens to look like). “Don’t trust Vicki,” Anna warns her former lover.
Watch that brow, Anna . . . There’s no botox in heaven.
Of course, this begs the question of . . . WHY NOT
aside from the fact that she was always kind of a self-absorbed slut, who, in her vampire phase, definitely did try to eat Jeremy for Halloween dinner.?
“So, Basically, I’m a Werewolf. And My Girlfriend’s a Baby Vamp. Does This Mean I’m Grounded?”
“Honey? Have you eaten? Should I get you a dog biscuit, or something?”
Like everyone else in Mystic Falls, Mama Lockwood lately begins every day, with a hard liquor breakfast, laced with vervain, of course. Tyler heads down the stairs in his bright red, “I just had sex with a vampire” t-shirt, and senses that something is amiss in Lockwood Manor. “Rough night?” He asks his mother, nodding his head toward her Drunk Cup.
“Why yes, son, I just shot up your girlfriend with a toy Star Trek gun, and locked her in our cellar. And because I was doing that, I missed my hair appointment. DAMN THAT B*TCH!” I’ve just been a bit tired lately,” she says, or something lame like that.
Then, to add insult to injury, Mama Lockwood has to go and insinuate that Caroline is a PROSTITUTE because she snuck out of the house in the morning,
right before being shot without saying goodbye.
To Tyler’s credit, though he’s obviously a bit perturbed by Caroline’s sudden Walk of Shame Escape. (After all, it IS the Full Moon, and that has become a sort of “ritual” date night for them), he still manages to hold on to his poker face, as he insists to his darling dearest mother, that, NO, his girlfriend is NOT a streetwalker . . .
just a bloodsucker.
Awww! Now, that’s a glowing compliment, if I ever heard one!
Then, Tyler notes that his Mom’s coffee tastes like sh*t, before heading off to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, where he can hopefully meet up with his Not-So-Much-Streetwalker of a Girlfriend. (After all, where else could she possibly go?)
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up . . . wait . . . sorry. That was my line from last season.”
Once Tyler leaves, Mama Lockwood contacts the Mysterious “Bill” (who’s name continuously makes me think of the Southern vampire on True Blood) to help her with her “vampire situation.” I love how Mama L refers to Caroline’s entrapment in her basement, as if the poor girl is a roach problem, or bed bugs, requiring nothing more than an exterminator, and some light fumigation for treatment. . .
Not surprisingly, when “Bill” arrives at the house, he sort of talks like an exterminator (and or a Johnny Cash impersonator, take your pick), coldly promising Mama Lockwood that he will dispose of her “vampire situation,” quickly, so that she does not have to personally dirty her hand with the blood of a Vampire Barbie . . .
Tyler arrives at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls. And is clearly disappointed to find that his girlfriend has “bailed” on him. Of course, as WE lready know, Caroline is a bit . . . um . . . indisposed, at the moment, and couldn’t make it.
However, Tyler DOES run into Matt, who, surprise of surprises, is surprisingly KIND and HELPFUL. For one thing, he actually offers to help Tyler go through his “monthly” change, if Caroline ends up not making it to their date, (which, given all his recent sexual tension with Jeremy, kind of made me wonder . . .)
Oh, Mattykins! This could be YOU!
He also, informs Tyler — who notes that the coffee at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls tastes just as bad as his mom’s — that the town sometimes spikes the coffee with vervain as a protective measure. Suddenly, a lightbulb goes off in Tyler’s head, and he rushes home to confront his mother, who may or may not have just, kind of sort of TRIED TO KILL HIM!
“You’ve got some ‘splaining to DO!”
Now, I have to say, as someone who is typically bored by parent/child scenes on television, I found the confrontation between Mama Lockwood and Tyler to be intensely fun to watch, and exceptionally well acted on both sides. Never having been one to beat around the bush, Tyler comes right out and asks his mother, why she had the audacity to vervain his coffee. “Let’s skip the part where you pretend you don’t know about vampires,” he scoffs, when his mother starts doing a little tap dance, in response.
“This is my MAD face . . .”
Having assured herself — as a result of his non-reation to the vervain — that her son is NOT a member of the undead, Mama Lockwood can now fire back about Caroline with full confidence. “Let’s skip the part where you pretend she’s not one of them,” Mama retorts. “You can’t be with her. She’s a MONSTER!” Tyler’s mom exclaims.
At which point, it FINALLY dawns on Tyler:
Holy crap! My mom is a total moron! His mother has ABSOLUTELY know clue about the whole Werewolf Curse thing. (So, tell me something, WHY exactly did she think there was a DUNGEON underneath her house? For slaves? I don’t think so! Someone would have to be either REALLY stupid, or genuinely in denial, not to notice something was amiss here.)
Hey, I resemble that remark.
Conveniently enough, Tyler has chosen to confront his mother about his werewolfism on, International Werewolf Coming Out Day, otherwise known as “The Full Moon.” And so, he takes her down to the dungeon, where he promptly begins to shift in front of her TOTALLY horrified ass.
“See, Mom, this is all your fault, for never taking me to the dentist or the eye doctor, as a child.”
Though we don’t bare witness to the ENTIRE shift, as we have in the past two installments, it seems pretty obvious that Tyler’s body is adjusting to his new form.
And THERE are those awesome nipples again (among other things)! *whistles*
To US, his werewolf transformation appears quicker, more efficient, and less excruciating for our Teen Wolf. (Of course, I’m not sure Tyler’s mom would agree.)
Speaking of Tyler’s mom, she moved up a few notches in my book for (1) immediately accepting her son’s monstruous condition, without question, despite her obvious predisposition to SHOOT supernaturals first, and ask questions later. (It kind of makes me wonder how Mama Lockwood would have reacted if her son HAD been turned into a vampire, by Caroline.); and (2) promising Tyler that she will make sure that nothing happens to Caroline.
I’d say it’s a bit too late for that, wouldn’t you, Sweet Cheeks?
That being said, I’m honestly not 100% sure how observing Tyler’s transformation caused Mama Lockwood to be more sympathetic toward VAMPIRES. Who knows, maybe she figures her son’s Monster Mash life is going to be SO HORRIBLY HAIRY (get it?) that he deserves at least some happiness, in the form of getting laid regularly, even if it is with a bloodsucking blonde baby vamp, who sneaks out of his mansion in the morning . . .
Whatever her actual reasoning might be, Mama Lockwood, true to her word, does promptly call of the dogs (or rather, the DOG), right after she parts ways with her werewolf son. Unfortunately, for Mama L (and, more importantly, CAROLINE!), Bill the Vampire Slayer has a CLEAR CUT “no backsies,”policy when it comes to making house calls . . .
“Sorry, I’ve already put the bill for my services in your mailbox, Rich Neighbor . . .”
I mean . . . who the heck does this guy think he IS, anyway? We are about to find out . . .
Elena Meet Water . . . Water This is Elena.
(A little sloppy on the landing, but a nice-sized splash. Plus, extra points for entering the water in a partial split. THAT had to be painful. All in all, I give it about an 8.2.)
Considering their out werewolf / Ripper Stefan hunting, and are in a SERIOUS time crunch (They have to get back home, before the full moon, before Elena turns into a pumpkin and/or a werewolf eats her like one.), Alaric and Elena sure seem to be having a grand old time on their little Tennessee hiking trip! We catch a few snippets of their conversation, which seems to include some mildly flirtatious banter regarding Alaric’s Boy Scout Skills, Rampant Alcholism, and Massive Travel Size Vampire Slaying Arsenal. (I mean, talk about a jack of all trades! If only drunken vampire slaying was an Olympic Sport, Alaric would be FAMOUS!)
“Will you marry me and have my babies, Alaric? I don’t know many human men anymore . . . “
Coming upon a clearing, Alaric and Elena stop hiking long enough for her to offer Alaric the trusty Ring of Immortality, Uncle / Father John left to her in his not-so-much will. Alaric initially balks at the offering, since it wasn’t really meant for him. So, Elena pipes in, and reminds him (and us) that the ring won’t work on Elena, because she’s a supernatural being herself . . . (Remember? She’s a Petrova Doppelganger, a supernatural creature with magical powers that include, being really, really, ridiculously goodlooking, looking just like Katherine, and DYING in weird vampire rituals.)
I must say, as far as super powers go, this one is pretty lame . . .
Alaric responds that Elena should save the ring for future generations of relentlessly stubborn Baby Gilberts. (AWWW! Now, I can’t stop picturing what
Ian’s and Nina’s Damon’s and Elena’s Elena’s and Some Human Who’s a Doppelganger for Damon’s babies will look like. Thanks a lot, Alaric!) While Elena doesn’t necessarily refute the notion that she will one day have Mini Gilberts (She is staunchly against becoming a vampire, after all), she DOES insist that Alaric wear the ring as a “loaner.”
“I’d feel bad if you got killed by something supernatural before Happy Hour,” jokes Elena. (WOAH! Who knew Elena Gilbert had a sense of humor? You go girl!)
Speaking of going, SOMEONE has just pushed Elena into the LAKE!
Yes, I realize I have just used this GIF. And yes, I want to use it again, because it is just THAT HILARIOUS!
HAHA! So, Alaric invited Damon on his little “camping trip,” after all!
“Thanks for the tip, BROTHER,” Damon announces, punching his fellow Team Bad Ass member affectionately on the shoulder. But Damon doesn’t have time to truly experience a Bromantic Reunion with Alaric (who he probably hasn’t seen, since the last night they spent in bed together — JUST KIDDING!), he has an unruly Miss Gilbert to
flirt shamelessly with scold. Because that little sassypants is NOT getting out of the water, NO SIREE!
So, of course, Damon has to go into the water WITH HER, so that they can be “wet together,” invade one another’s personal space, and eyesex some more, all while pretending to fight about their respective strategies in the Save Stefan Games . . .
“Hey, can we do the lift, like they do in that Dirty Dancing Movie? Because THAT would be hot!”
On dry land, Alaric watches with amusement, as this soon-to-be-couple continue to bicker and moon over one another, as if they aren’t in GRAVE DANGER. (You know, because TRUE LOVE can make you oblivious to those sorts of things.)
. . F*&K Me, right here in the water“
Elena insists that they cannot go home yet, as this is the closest she has come to finding Stefan. Damon reluctantly agrees to stay, provided they leave by nightfall, otherwise, Damon will undoubtedly increase his odds of getting bitten by a werewolf again, which will undoubtedly mean that Elena will have to crawl into bed and KISS him again, a prospect that both parties pretend to be annoyed by, but secretly, they both find appealing . . .
(Actually, Damon. I’d VERY MUCH like to re-live that whole Death Bed Kissy Thing. But I prefer to do it in the comfort of my own home, if you don’t mind.)
And so, the twosome climb out of the water, sexually satisfied . . . FOR NOW. They then reunite with now-clear-third-wheel Alaric on their little Stefan hunt. And while they don’t find Stefan . . . yet . . . they DO come across dying zombie, were-vamp Seventh Heaven Guy, who’s all hungry, and trying to eat at Damon’s face. So, of course, us viewers are getting a MAJOR sense of deja vu, and wondering how the HELL our Scooby Gang is going to get themselves out of THIS mess . . .
Now, as much as I often tease my girl, Elena for PERPETUALLY getting her lover boys into trouble, while bringing NOTHING to the table, in terms of actually, I don’t know, KILLING STUFF, she TOTALLY had this one in the bag. When other various weapons proved ineffective on the Hybrid, she immediately pulled a wolfsbane BOMB out of Alaric’s bag, and tossed it to Damon, just seconds before Seventh Heaven Guy’s teeth made contact with his neck.
Considering all that happened in this hour, it’s amazing when you consider how much FUNNY was packed into it. We got yet another laugh, when Elena cleverly doused chains with vervain, and asked Alaric to take them, in order to tie the now unconscious Seventh Heaven Guy to a nearby tree. Damon, of course, being the MACHO MAN that he is, was APPALLED (and probably a little jealous too) at the notion that the HUMAN Alaric could do something that he couldn’t. And so, without thinking, he grabs the chains from Elena, nearly burning his hand in the process . . .
But just when we thought it was safe to laugh at Damon and his smarting hand, Seventh Heaven Guy starts to SHIFT. And now Damon (and the rest of them) are TOTALLY screwed! Elena (who is undoubtedly having Damon Death Bed Flashbacks for the TWENTIETH time this episode — I know I am) is now tugging on Damon’s shirt, begging him to run with her and Alaric.
It just occurred to me, that Elena REALLY likes to say Damon’s name . . . ALOT. Practice for SHOUTING it in bed, perhaps?
Eventually he does . . . run . . . I mean . . .
But WAIT . . . seemingly seconds later ELENA finds HERSELF face-to-face with a now fully formed werewolf. (THE ACTION NEVER ENDS!)
“You’re such a GOOD BOY! Yes, you are! Yes you are! (Coincidentally, this is also how I talk to all my boyfriends.)”
So, Damon, once again, being the Big Manly Type that he is, gives chase to the werewolf, to lead him away from his lady love. He does this, of course, despite knowing that of the three of them (remember, Alaric is wearing that Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality), he has the most to lose. *sigh, swoon, drool*
Elena is starting to feel a little guilty for being the cause of all these near-death experiences. (And, quite honestly, SHE SHOULD!) Nonetheless, Alaric manages to drag her back to the car, while the pair wait for Damon to outrun his wolfy friend and (hopefully) return unscathed . . .
Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou?
It’s a dark and creepy night, the moon has fully risen, and Damon is alone and seems lost. Once again, things look bleak . . . or, at least, they would look bleak, if he wasn’t one of the THREE MAIN CHARACTERS of this show. SURPRISE! Seventh Heaven Guy pops out of not-necessarily-nowhere, and, once again tries to eat Damon’s face (which, I suspect, must be really, really tasty . . . perhaps, we’ll have to ask Elena about this, sometime).
But then, STEFAN ARRIVES TO SAVE THE DAY! HUZZAHHH! He rips out Seventh Heaven Guy’s heart like it’s his job.
STEFAN: “My apologies, Seventh Heaven Guy. But NOBODY picks on my Big Brother, and lives to talk about it. Not on MY watch. And besides, you, of all people, should know better, didn’t you get a new sibling every week, on YOUR old show?”
Reverend Camden does not . . .
The Salvatore Brother exchange that followed was FULL of win. In fact, I preferred it greatly to the one we were treated to, back in “The Birthday,” because this one was REAL. There was no more posturing, or sniping at one another. The brothers weren’t trying to scare one another, or prove how bad ass they were. This was just Damon and Stefan, alone in a forest (unless you count the corpse, which I don’t), caring deeply about eachother, and wanting to fix the situation, but not quite knowing how . . .
“What part of don’t follow me, don’t you understand?” Stefan inquires, echoing his words from their last meeting.
I liked how Damon called Stefan out a bit here, for CLAIMING that he wanted Elena to move on, and get over him, so that he could finish what he started with Klaus, but then, totally going AGAINST that notion, by calling Elena, and, thereby giving her hope. Though Stefan denied making this call, the sheepish look on his face, told Damon that this was EXACTLY what he had done.
“I’m never coming back . . . Bring Elena back home. And try to keep her there, this time
I can think of a few CREATIVE Damon could do this. Can’t you?,” Stefan retorts, giving Damon an EQUALLY hard time for putting Elena in danger, like he has.
After all, the threesome came VERY close to being spotted by Klaus. And if Klaus finds out that Elena is alive . . . well, more on that later . . .
Of course, what further heightens the intensity of this conversation, is that Stefan truly believes that it will be his last, not because he plans to spend eternity with his new boyfriend Klaus, but because he has a werewolf bite on his arm. And just like Damon, during HIS brotherly exchange, back in “The Sun Also Rises,” Stefan truly believes that Klaus will refuse to save him, and that death is imminent . . .
Originals Have Feelings Too. (Who Knew?)
This must be the day for INTENSE conversations, because Stefan gets to have another one, when he returns back to Klaus’ camp, which is now littered with DEAD hybrids, carrying YET ANOTHER Dead Hybrid. Stefan has his tail between his legs, because he knows that Klaus wanted Seventh Heaven Guy brought back alive. And the Ripper has not fully delivered on his promise.
But Klaus has much bigger fish to fry. His plan to create a were-vamp army is failing and he doesn’t quite know why. In fact, he probably assumes that Seventh Heaven Guy died like the rest of this werewolf pack did, by bleeding out. “I don’t understand. I did everything they told me . . . I killed a werewolf . . . a vampire . . . a Doppelganger . . .”
Sh*t . . .
GULP! Oh dear! Just when we thought it was safe to be Elena Gilbert again. Apparently, Elijah was mistaken in his conjecture that, as long as Elena was TECHNICALLY dead during the Sacrifice Ritual, all would go according to plan. I mean, in some sense it did, since Klaus has become a true hybrid. However, there is SOMETHING about Elena’s being alive that prevents Klaus from successfully turning anybody else.
“I knew THAT! Haha! Jokes on you, Brother!”
This makes Stefan more certain than ever that he cannot return home for as long as Elena lives, out of risk of losing her life again. And it makes Klaus . . . LONELY? Yeah, I was surprised too, especially considering this guy came from a big family, and could have had loads of people to hang with (HELLO! ELIJAH?), as long as he didn’t . . . you know . . . KILL THEM and stuff.
Then again, perhaps that’s the point. Klaus was never accepted by his family, because they were full vampires, and he was sort-of part werewolf, born to a different father than the rest of his kin. And maybe that’s what all this ARMY building is all about, creating a family where he actually fits in. It’s strange, but it’s definitely plausible.
“I failed you. I’m sorry. Do what you have to do,” says Stefan, bracing himself for death.
But then Klaus does something surprising . . . for him . . . anyway. He bites his hand, allows his blood to drip into a bottle of bear, and gives that bottle to Stefan. He has offered him the cure. “It appears you are the only comrade I have left,” mopes Klaus, and for about a nanosecond, I actually feel sorry for this lonely little mass murderer, who really just seems, in this moment, like a guy in search of a playmate.
That being said, WHY DIDN’T THE WRITERS LET STEFAN DRINK FROM KLAUS’ ARM? I mean how much HOTTER and MORE SYMBOLIC would that be? Just sayin . . .
After the anti-climactic beer drinking takes place, a newly cured Stefan walks off into the moonlight with Klaus, headed toward parts unknown . . .
Meanwhile, in the not-so-parking lot . . .
Oh, Alaric, Not YOU Too!
Now, it’s Elena and Alaric’s turn to have a heart-to-heart. She wants to run out and save Damon
because she looooooooooves him. But Alaric wants her to remain in the car. “Let the vampires fight it out, out there, I’ll keep the humans safe,” says Alaric, who’s starting to sound an awful lot like his former hero self.
Elena calls him on his sudden change of tune. And Alaric in turn calls HER out, on being a SUCKER for Lost Causes, which, of course, she totally is . . .Good Old Elena . . . the Classic Fixer Upper of Bad Boys, Drunks, Druggies, Murderers and Cannibals the world over . . .
But Elena corrects Alaric, and actually says something rather insightful. She tells him that he is not a Lost Cause. He is simply LOST, much like perpetual orphans Jeremy and Elena. None of them have a family. So, why not make a family of their own? It sounds like a swimming idea to Alaric,
who, let’s face it, is probably a little in love with Elena too . . . just like everyone else on this show, and so he decides to keep the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality as a show of solidarity toward the Gilbert clan . . . and . . . you know . . . to prove that the recent deaths of all his girlfriends may have turned him into an alcoholic, but it hasn’t made him suicidal.
I would love it if Elena and Alaric shared a hug in this moment. But what I got instead was MUCH better. Damon comes barrelling toward the car, wanting immediately to get the HELL out of the mountains, before Elena catches a glimpse of Stefan, or, worse, Klaus catches a glimpse of her! Of course, Elena has just had an INTENSE conversation with Alaric, and she’s in a sappy mood.
“Can you just give me a minute to appreciate that you are not DEAD!” Elena exclaims, touching Damon on his deliciously bite-free shoulders, as Alaric looks on with amusement and sympathy, at his poor lovesick friend, being put through the relationship ringer AGAIN.
But Damon doesn’t give her a moment. He doesn’t even give her the ten seconds he promised, instead he bodily HAULS her ass into the car. “Damon stop being such a caveman,” she grumbles, but we all know that she secretly thinks cavemen are super sexy . . .
Ahhh . . . foreplay . . .
As the threesome drive away, we see Stefan staring moonily at the car, as it’s leaving. Elena seems to sense his presence, but by the time she takes a closer look, he’s already disappeared into the shadows . . .
And now for my FAVORITE scene of the evening. (As if any of you are surprised . . .)
Me . . . Caveman Damon . . . You . . . Elena . . . We . . . Should REALLY Seriously Consider Having Sex in Your Bedroom (Alaric Can Watch.)
So, I’ve often mentioned the INSANE number of times Damon and Elena have had serious exchanges in HIS bedroom. But so far, only TWO key Delena moments have taken place in HERS, and only one of those two does Elena actually remember. (Actually, Damon was also in Elena’s room during Season 1’s “Under Control,” a.k.a. The Teddy Bear Incident, but that was less iconic, and more adorable. So, I will refrain from mentioning it again, for ease of reference)
What was so great about this scene, aside from the OBVIOUS, was the insane number of parallels the writers managed to pack in, referencing BOTH earlier iconic bedroom scenes.
First, Elena enters her bedroom, wearing the trademark “cute PJs” she wore, when Damon popped by her bedroom to first profess his love to her in “Rose.” She sees Damon standing by the window, and wonders out loud, if he is drunk, like the FIRST time he entered her room in “The Return,” a.k.a. The Loathsome to All Delena Fans Jeremy Neck Snap Incident.”
But Damon is NOT drunk this time. He is stone cold sober, and he has a serious message to deliver to Elena. The message is that he was wrong. (GASP!) I don’t recall Damon ever admitting he was wrong. This is clearly a first! It also harkens back to the “Rose” scene, once again, in which Damon tells Elena he doesn’t deserve her, and the music in the background suddenly gets REALLY loud, so that you can hear the singer tell him just how WRONG he is . . .
What was Damon wrong about, this time? You ask . . . well, remember how I mentioned that, the opening scene was important to the LAST scene, in terms of reflecting both Damon’s and Elena’s changed states of mind, after the episode. Well, here we are!
Damon has come to the conclusion, much as Elena had earlier, that his brother ISN’T totally gone to the darkside yet, and CAN be saved. He realized this when Stefan risked everything to save his own brother’s life. It’s actually pretty cute, when Damon refers to his baby bro as a martyr who deserves to have his ass kicked, because it’s SUCH a Big Bro thing to say . . . So, Damon agrees to help Elena SAVE Stefan.
But that’s not all, in a scene, highly reminiscent of “The Return,” in which Damon tried to get Elena to admit that he loved her, AND, oddly enough, Caroline’s and Tyler’s “I care about you, OK! I care about you!” First Kiss Moment, Damon forces Elena to admit that when faced with losing Damon’s life, she gave up the search for Stefan in the woods, earlier than was necessary.
“I didn’t want to see you get hurt. I was worried about you,” Elena admits to a LEANING in Damon, who smiles knowingly before walking away.
Interestingly enough, it’s ELENA, who calls him back . . . much like Caroline did in HER parallel scene. She has more to say. And she’s going to make Damon hear it. “Yes, I worry about you,” she says with obvious emotion and frustration in her voice. “Why do you even have to hear me say it?”
Then Damon pulls her close to him. Tugging on her hair affectionately, and cupping her delicate face in his hands appreciatively. After all, she has given him so much more in those words than he could have hoped for. After all, the question wasn’t really about HIS needing reassurance that Elena cared about him . . . he got that, back in the Season 2 Finale. This was about ELENA finally realizing it for herself.
They look one another, right in the eyes, intensely, their faces just inches apart, feeling eachother’s breath on their faces. And then Damon says, very softly, the most beautiful words imaginable, because they are sweet, heartfelt, self-sacrificing, and SO much in line with this New Reluctant Hero Damon, who is tasked not only with keeping Elena alive, but also with keeping her happy.
“Because, when I drag my brother back from the edge and deliver him back to you. I want you to remember the things you felt when he was gone.”
And then Damon full of class, exits Elena’s room, leaving her alone to her undoubtedly dirty thoughts, and the judgy eyes of a suitcase toting Alaric, who witnessed the entire exchange (The door was open, after all!), while in the process of moving himself back into the Gilbert home.)
“Do you know what you’re doing there?” Alaric inquires, it’s a benign enough question, but the concerned and knowing look on Alaric’s face lets Elena know exactly to what he’s referring.
“I don’t know,” Elena replies honestly, and more than a bit guiltily . . .
You may not know what your going to do with Damon, yet, Elena . . .But rest assured, you will SOON! 😉
Oh, and since I LOVED this scene, so VERY, VERY MUCH, I’ve decided to include it for your viewing pleasure, here. Just click on the internal link, and watch, and rewatch to your hearts content . . .
In completely UNRELATED, and NON-ROMANTIC NEWS, Caroline’s IN SOME SERIOUS DEEP SH*T right now. And that sh*t’s got a name . . .
Who’s Your DADDY? (a.k.a. Parents Just DON’T Understand . . .)
And the award for TVD Character with the WORST PARENTS EVER goes to . . . BABY VAMP FORBES! (Tell her what she’s won, Bob!)
So, of course, as most of you already know, this week’s TVD episode ended on the massive cliffhanger that Vampire Slayer BILL is actually Caroline’s Big Gay Dad.
Look . . . it’s
an Evil Elvis Impersonator Caroline’s Dad!
The look she gives
the creepy guy from Heroes her seemingly cold, unfeeling father, while CHAINED UP in a dungeon for what seems like the 500th time, in her short life as a baby vamp, is extra special heartbreaking, because you just KNOW that a part of her still believes he’s actually there to SAVE her. Seriously, is it any wonder Girlfriend has TRUST issues?
But the good news, Caroline, is that you’ve WON the AWARD for Sh*ttiest Parents in Mystic Falls. I mean, that has to count for something, right. After all, the Bad Parents Competition is MIGHTY STEEP in this town. Let’s see, we’ve got Damon and Stefan, who’s dad SHOT them, rather then have them live as fangbangers. (But Stefan ate him, so I feel like we’ve gotta cut the guy a little slack.) Then there’s Matt’s Mom, who left Matt and his slutty sister to fend for themselves (Didn’t work out so well for Vicki? Did it?), while she MACKED WITH MATT’S BEST FRIEND up against a WALL at a party!
(By the way, it just occurred to me that Tyler generally seems to prefer vertical sex . . . interesting . . . perhaps it’s a Wolf Thing.)
Tyler’s Dad slapped him around a lot. But oddly enough, the fact that he NEVER ACTUALLY TRIED TO KILL HIM, actually puts him near the top of the parenting list in this effed-up town.
Same goes for Tyler’s Mom, who SHOT AND KIDNAPPED HIS GIRLFRIEND, but again, never tried to kill Tyler. So, YAY for her . . . I guess.
Only ONE of Elena’s bio parents (Isobel) tried to kill HER, by turning her over to Klaus for the Sacrifice, but she was under compulsion at the time so . . . there’s that.
“I can fly higher than a vampire bat, but you are the wind beneath my wings.”
(Let’s not forget the whole Committing Suicide in Front of her Daughter Thing.)
And her bio dad, Uncle/Father John pretty much tried to kill THE ENTIRE TOWN EXCEPT Elena, which, oddly makes him a comparatively “good” parent as well.
Rounding out the list are Jeremy’s definitely DEAD parents, and Bonnie’s invisible parents, who are probably hanging out in Hogwarts somewhere. (Definitely Deatheaters!)
This, of course, brings me back to LIZARD FORBES, and Vampire HUNTER BILL, BOTH of whom have now taken measures to MURDER Caroline . . . oh, I’m sorry. I meant “cure” her.
“Hey, Recapper! I’ve been helping the sister of the kid I, more or less, KILLED find her Vampire Boyfriend! So, I’m ‘good’ now. Didn’t you get the memo?”
So, yeah, that’s pretty much where we are now. Stefan and Klaus are still out frolicking. Jeremy and Matt are
getting it on chilling with the ghost girls. Alaric has moved his Chunky Monkey back into his dead girlfriend’s bed. Damon and Elena are DEEPLY IN LOOOOOOOOVE continuing to take turns barging into eachother’s bedrooms, for daily, and nightly eye-sex/personal space invastion / Will they? Won’t they? makeout sessions. And Caroline is sitting pretty in Evil Daddy’s dungeon, while he decides whether he’s down with her “alternative lifestyle.” (See what I did there?)
Tune in next week, when Klaus takes Stefan on a fantastic voyage back to Boardwalk Empire . . . er . . . I mean the 1920’s, Poor Caroline gets her ass kicked some more (SAVE HER, TYLER! SAVE HER!), and Damon and Elena prepare to set off on their next rescue mission together. You can check out the promo for the episode, here:
And that’s more or less, all she wrote, for NOW anyway. Now, it’s YOUR turn. Did you LOVE this episode as much as I did? Were you digging all the ho-yay between Stefan and Klaus / Matt and Jeremy? Are you counting down the episodes before the SECOND inevitable Delena makeout sesh? What about Caroline? Has our kickass Vampire Barbie eclipsed Jeremy as the resident TVD punching bag? Please sound off in the comment section below.
Until then, Hasta La Vista, Fangbangers!