DAMON: “Do you smell something burning?”
KATHERINE: “There’s a fire . . . in my pants. I’m burning up for your love, Damon.”
DAMON: “Katherine, it’s the 21st Century. They have creams for that now . . .”
Whew! Well, THIS was a doozy of a TVD episode, wasn’t it? Let’s see . . .
(1) We got to see Damon become more smokin’ HOT than ever before . . .
“Poke her, with that POKER, Damon!”
(2) Lots of sh*t caught fire (including the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls) . . .
(3) We were treated to a very Gleeky musical review, brought to you by the Vampire Barbie, herself. . .
(4) Ding, Dong TWO witches are dead (for the price of JUST ONE!).
OOPS! Won’t be using THAT screencap anymore!
(5) And the two MOST CLUELESS folks in Mystic Falls, FINALLY got a CLUE . . . well . . . sort of . . .
But, I think, if I had to choose my absolute FAVORITE part of “The House Guest” . . . it would be all the highly sexualized Kat / Damon moments included therein. After all, THESE moments added quite a few very sexy screencaps to my ever-growing collection. And, of course, immediately upon concluding this recap, I plan to insert said screencaps into my”Damon & ELENA Forever” scrapbook. (Yes, I said, Damon and ELENA! What the rest of the world doesn’t know, won’t hurt them? Right?)
But enough about my FAVE Soon-To-Be Couple, we’ve got a show to recap!
You Got SCHOOLED!
“Come on, Stefan! If we don’t leave now, we’ll be late for school. Remember school? It’s that thing we keep forgetting to GO to?” Elena sing-songs, as she grabs seductively onto Stefan Salvatore’s shirt collar, in one of the at least six bedrooms of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.
That’s right! Contrary to popular belief (and the fact that we haven’t actually seen her attend class since around the middle of Season 1), Elena IS, in fact, still a high school student. And the clever, self-deprecating, writers of this show aren’t afraid to point out that, due to plot logistics, “attendance” doesn’t exactly appear to be Elena’s strong suit. But let’s face it. It’s not all Elena’s fault. The fact that Stefan’s a little Horn Dog, who attended high school for literally centuries, and STILL doesn’t seem to own a diploma, certainly doesn’t help . . . (Baby Salvatore is kind of like a Vampire Van Wilder, in that way!)
“Welcome to Home School! Our first class of the day is Sex Education.”
But Elena’s got WAY more pressing problems than an overly amorous boyfriend, who will quite possibly make her late for class for the 35th time this year. She’s got a case of mistaken identity on her hands . . .
You know, last week, when Katherine popped out of Damon’s shower, asking for a robe, and a place to “sleep,” I just assumed that the rest of the Scooby Gang would get filled in on the identity of the newest Salvatore House Guest OFF SCREEN. So, color me surprised, when Damon forcefully pushed Elena up against a wall, merely for wishing him “Good Morning” (So HOT, by the way!). Interestingly enough, Elena had no CLUE why Damon would possibly mistake her for her doppelganger, when said doppelganger was supposedly still locked away in a Deep Dark Tomb!
Color me even more surprised, when, upon hearing of Katherine’s Great Tomb Escape, Stefan, not only doesn’t “rescue” his girlfriend from Damon’s clutches, he PUSHES HER AGAINST THE WALL, TOO?
“Really? The WALL . . . AGAIN? Why does everybody have to get pushed up against the WALL on this show? That flimsy piece of plaster has probably seen more action in a single SEASON than Katherine has seen in her ENTIRE LIFE . . . and she’s Super Slutty.”
Fortunately, for Elena (or, unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), the REAL Katherine materializes in the doorway, and shows both Salvatore Brothers they are Wall Raping the Wrong Gal . . .
“If that were ME on the Wall, smothered by Salvatores, I’d have my clothes off, before you could say, ‘Katherine Pierce.’ That Elena is such a PRUDE!”
Needless to say, Elena is NOT pleased about the idea of having to share her precious Salvatores with another girl, who, coincidentally, also used to bone them both. “Get her out of here!” Elena yelps.
“Do you think our boyfriends will FINALLY be able to tell us apart, when you have a pretty stake sticking out of your heart?”
But Elena is not going to be able to get rid of the Kat so easily. After all, having been Santa Klaus’ Honey Bunny back in the day, Katherine alone possesses the unique knowledge the Scooby Gang needs to kill the Big Bad Vamp We Still Have Never Seen. And so, Katherine stays behind, while a grumbling Elena exits Stage Left, still trying in vain to remember what the heck her high school actually looks like . . .
“So, that’s high school, huh? OK. We’ve seen it. Now, let’s LEAVE!”
On the way into school, Stefan offers to sleepover at Elena’s house, for a change, so the pair can keep their distance from a certain pesky doppelganger. (Ahhh . . . another night at the Gilberts. Hey, remember that episode, where Useless Aunt Jenna started randomly making lewd comments to Stefan about how LOUD he and Elena were during sex? GOOD TIMES!)
Unfortunately, for Stefan, Having Loud Sex While Jenna Listens is not on the agenda for tonight, not when Elena has already planned a “Girl’s Night,” with her besties, Caroline and Bonnie. “Maybe KATHERINE could join us,” Elena snarks.
EXCELLENT IDEA, Elena! I mean, seriously, how AWESOME would it be to have Vampire Katherine at YOUR Slumber Party?
“Hey girls! What do you say, we play Truth or Dare
and I compel you all to pick DARE each time?”
Speaking of Elena’s besties, Bonnie has been trying to maintain a secret relationship with Jeremy, ever since the Hot Energy Channeling / Saliva Swapping Party they had together, last week.
BONNIE: “We can’t stand together like this all day. Someone will notice.”
JEREMY: “Just tell them I’m a very Close Talker.”
As for Caroline, she’s still trying to rekindle her relationship with Matt . . . but having limited success.
At school, Vampire Barbie and Still Clueless Ken continue to dance around their many issues. Both parties are given an excellent opportunity to be honest with one another about their recent interactions with the recently departed Tyler. But Caroline refuses to tell Matt about the connection she shared (and STILL shares) with Teen Wolf . . .
Meanwhile, Matt refuses to admit that his final conversation with Tyler included (1) Tyler admitting that he had fallen for Caroline; (2) Matt agreeing to “take care of Caroline” at Tyler’s request . . .
Despite BOTH parties being to blame for the standstill at which their relationship currently rests, Matt announces to Caroline that she knows how he feels, and that it is “Her Move.” Fortunately for Caroline (or UNFORTUNATELY, if you are a Forwood Fan like me), she sees a poster on the School Bulletin Board that gives her a good idea of what her next “Move” will be . . .
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon is blowing Elijah . . .
. . . with a Blow Torch, that is.
Kudos to Damon for being just as clever as most of us fans are. After all, the Elder Salvatore came up with precisely the same solution many of us suggested for the “Keep the Dagger, Lose the Body” Elijah Conundrum.
The problem with this plan, of course (as Kat smugly notes, when she comes upon Damon still “carrying a torch” for her), is that, as an Original Vampire, Elijah’s body is COMPLETELY INDESTRUCTIBLE. (See? Even as a DEAD and UNCONSCIOUS guy, Elijah is one of the Coolest Characters on this Show!)
Unable to have the Baked Elijah dessert he was so hoping to enjoy, Damon turns his massively large and VERY phallic torch on Kat . . .
And just by the look on Kat’s face, when she sees that big STICK of Damon’s just inches away from her nether regions, we can tell that, unlike Elijah, Katherine is, indeed, VERY destructible. “We want the same thing [Klaus dead].” Katherine pleads with Damon, who is training his trademark Crazy Eyes on her, as we speak. “And I always get what I want.”
Talk about a Mood Killer! Damon chooses this moment to bring up that time in the Not-So-Distant past, when Katherine reverse psychologied Damon into trying to stake Elijah with the Original’s Killing Dagger, knowing FULL WELL, that the mere act of doing so would KILL HIM. “Yes, I knew you would die, Damon,” Katherine admits remorselessly, before leaving the basement.
It’s the End of Luka, As We Know Him . . . (A.K.A. Why Jonas SUCKS as both a father and a HUMAN BEING!)
You know what, Stefan? You have REALLY got to give up this whole “Trusting Other Supernatural Creatures” thing you’ve got going on! Let’s see . . . in just the past few episodes . . . you trusted Isobel, and she tried to get Damon killed. You trusted Tyler, and he let Brady and Jules kidnap and torture Caroline. Now, your trusting Jonas and Luka. And we all know THAT isn’t going to end well, either . . .
The Truth Hurts, doesn’t it, Mr. Vamp-tastic?
Allow me to give you some free advice, Little Salvatore. Remember that “I Used to Be a Monster Until Lexi Saved Me” confession you made to Elena last week? Well, next time, let’s all just try to assume that every other Supernatural Creature on this show, who ISN’T part of your Scooby Gang, was NEVER saved by Lexi, and, therefore, is still very much a MONSTER. Mmmm Kay?
Anyway, Stefan gets this brilliant idea that he and Bonnie can broker a deal with Jonas and Luka (also, apparently, known as “The Martins,” who knew?). Under this “agreement” the Scooby Gang and “The Martins” can all kill Klaus together, like One Big Happy Family of Monsters. So, Stefan arranges a meeting with the father/son team at . . . where else(?) the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls. At that meeting, Stefan offers the family “his word” that they will not come to any harm, under his watch. (Haha! Good one, Stefan!)
To his credit, Luka . . .
. . . (who, in all honesty, seems like he wouldn’t be such a bad guy, if he didn’t have such an ASSHAT for a dad), wants to take Stefan up on his offer. But, alas, Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother thinks the Scooby Gang is not to be trusted. Furthermore, he believes that ELIJAH, not Stefan, is the key to defeating Klaus, and rescuing his daughter. And so, Papa and Luka plan some Weird Mystic Seance Ritual, with the ultimate goal of “waking up” Elijah from his dagger-induced slumber . . .
Ever notice how every witch ritual on this show seems to involve Dark Rooms, Romantic Scented Candles, and lots of Hand Holding? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say all this Witch / Warlock Mumbo jumbo is just one GIANT excuse to Cop a Feel . . .
So, here’s the plan. Jonas and Luka hold hands and chant Ring Around the Rosie, or some crap like that. This allows them to combine their powers, and project an Invisible Jonas into La Casa de Rich and Awesome, where he should be able to remove the Originals’ Killing Dagger from Elijah’s belly undetected.
(Now I’m not a PARENT, so I can’t speak from actual experience. But wouldn’t a GOOD DAD, who needed entry into a house of Bloodthirsty Vampires, go there HIMSELF, as opposed to sending his own flesh and blood into the Lion’s Den, FOR HIM? Just sayin.’)
So, we see Luka’s “double” project himself inside the basement of La Casa de Rich and Awesome. He finds Elijah on the ground, and begins to pull the dagger from his stomach. Fortuntely, for our Scooby Gang, Katherine is also in the basement, picking up a Blood Snack. Being the astute old vamp she is, Katherine promptly notices that the dagger in Elijah’s tummy is seemingly moving outward, on its own.
Using her vampire strength and vast sexual experience, Katherine immediately begins the arduous task of sticking the large phallic object back inside the male form, lying prone in front of her.”
“This sh*t’s HARD! I really need to start working out more. All that time in the tomb has made me flabby. Hmmm . . . I wonder what kind of Home Gym the Salvatores have . . .”
Back in the “Martin” house, Jonas instructs Luka to stake Katherine. And he does . . . Though, honestly, I’m not sure what weapon he uses, considering the only one readily available is currently stuck inside Elijah.
Then, Damon magically appears . . .
Yes, he was dressed (and dry) at the time. But I decided to use this picture to illustrate him, anyway. And you’re complaining because . . . ?
Damon prompty un-stakes Katherine. Then, out comes that trusty BLOW TORCH AGAIN! (You KNEW that was coming!) Now Luka is on fire, both in La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and inside his home. But because no one on this show ever goes to school, the poor guy doesn’t realize he’s supposed to “Stop, Drop, and Roll.”
“I wonder if my homeowner’s insurance will cover this . . .”
And then THIS happens . . .
Nice knowing ya, Luka!
As for Jonas (who’s 100% at fault for his son’s premature demise, by the way), he immediately starts making all these weird growling noises, like he’s auditioning for yet another remake of The Hulk. And, inappropriate as it may be, it’s kind of hard not to laugh at the guy, when he’s yelping like Chewbacca from Star Wars. But I bite my lower lip, and manage to keep quiet. After all, “Dead Luka” was kind of adorable when he played “Little Richie” on Family Matters (See above). So, for that reason, he deserves my respect . . .
“Arrrrahhhhhhh grrrrooooooooooooo eeeeee!”
Speaking of Dead Witches . . .
In much lighter news, Damon and Katherine READ TOGETHER. Alert the media . . .
Those of you astute fans, who guessed that Elijah was yammering on about Witch Massacres in History, last week, for a REASON, can mentally pat yourself on the back for a job well done . . .
As it turns out, ELIJAH didn’t own an Orignal’s Killing Dagger (Gee, I wonder why? ;)) However, HE did figure out that, when a witch dies, it leaves some of it’s power at it’s final resting place. Elijah therefore reasoned that the spot in Mystic Falls, where a whole bunch of witches were killed, would be the IDEAL place for a “Witchily Re-energized” Elijah to kill Klaus.
Still not willing to trust Katherine (Note to Stefan: Distrust = a good thing!), when Damon finds the location of the Witch Massacre, as it is described in Jonathan’s books, he quickly passes this information along to his brother. However, Damon purposely keeps the information from Katherine, despite the fact that she’s been helping him “research” all this time.
(Knowing our writers, this will probably end up biting our Favorite Brooding Bad Boy Vamp in the ass, later. And yet, I would have done exactly the same thing, if I was him . . .)
But before all that “learning” happens, we are treated to a few insanely hot moments of Damon and Kat, play fighting / dry humping one another all over the Salvatore Study . . .
But don’t you worry, Delena fans! Damon still hasn’t quite forgiven Katherine yet for the whole, “I’ll Send Him Off to DIE” thing. And, to add insult to injury, a suddenly SUPER honest Katherine chooses her Sexy Times with Damon to admit that she had initially bargained with Isobel and John (who wanted BOTH Salvatores dead) to save Stefan’s life over Damon’s.
(Note to Katherine: The next time you try to get someone KILLED, but still want to have sex with them, when they ask you questions about it. LIE! LIE LIKE THE WIND!)
Meanwhile, back at the Gilbert house . . .
Girl-Bonding, Confessions, and Eternal Flames
Tired of listening to Self-Absorbed, Party Pooping, Useless Aunt Jenna whine about how Alaric isn’t being honest with her (“He’s only lying to protect you!” Caroline explains . . . and SHE would know!), the girls, at Caroline’s suggestion, decide to head out to . . . you guessed it . . . the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .
(Little do the girls know that Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother has TRACKED Elena there, by fondling her Cheerleading Picture and Hairbrush. Be afraid, Elena. BE VERY AFRAID!)
At the Bar, Useless Aunt Jenna proceeds to get herself completely wasted, while giving Alaric the Cold Shoulder for his failure to explain TWO SEASONS of The Vampire Diaries to her in under five minutes . . .
Way to multitask, Girlfriend!
Speaking of cold shoulders, Caroline is still getting one from Matt. And this prompts her to do something VERY BOLD!
After compelling the local musical talent to help her, “live out her rockstar fantasies, onstage” (LOVE HER!) Caroline expresses her feelings for Matt, by breaking into a surprisingly AWESOME rendition of the classic 80’s tune “Eternal Flame,” by the Bangles.
(Of course, the song’s title ends up being entirely prophetic, both in terms of Caroline’s “eternal” vampire status, and the fact that the whole place is about to, literally, go up in flames . . . But, for now, we can just enjoy the “moment.”)
When Caroline finishes singing, Matt hops up on stage, and plants a kiss on her lips, which is WAY more impressive than the lame one he gave her, a few episodes back
though, not nearly as impressive as Tyler’s Ambush Kiss!.
While, Caroline and Matt head into the kitchen to make out some more, Bonnie decides to lay a little truth on Elena. “Would it freak you out if I started dating your brother?” Bonnie inquires, seemingly out of the blue.
“Well, it’s about damn time!”
Elena’s response is truly heartfelt, eloquent, and beautiful. And, even though I don’t necessarily agree with it’s sentiment, I adore our heroine, for having the wherewithal to say exactly what her best friend needed to hear. “My brother has been through a lot, lately,” begins Elena. (Well THAT’S the understatement of the CENTURY!)
“He deserves to be with someone as amazing as you,” Elena concludes. (Ummmmm . . . OK .. . if you say so!)
Unfortunately, the girls’ happiness doesn’t last long. Hulked Out Chewbacca-Sounding Jonas starts burning the walls of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, in search of Elena. Fortunately, Damon, Stefan, and . . . get this . . . Katherine . . . have gotten wind of what Jonas is trying to do, and have headed to the burning bar to save her. Bonnie, for her part, tries to reason with Jonas . . .
But Jonas is WAY beyond reason (and speaking English, for that matter)! He simply puts his hand on Bonnie’s head, gives her a massive headache, and walks away. Eventually, Jeremy finds Bonnie, and the two leave the bar together. Thankfully,Stefan is also able to locate Elena, and get her out of the club, before Crazed Firestarter Jonas can get to her . . .
Oh! Bloody HELL!
Caroline and Matt, however, are not so lucky. (Ahhhh, the dangers of Making Out in Kitchens During a Massive Bar Fire!) Ever the kickass heroine, upon seeing Evil Jonas, the plucky Caroline vamps out and pounces on the witch. As a result of her heroism, Caroline is rewarded with (SURPRISE!) yet another Witchy Migraine. (Way to be not-at-all creative in your torture tactics, Jonas. To make matters worse, the now-crying Caroline is then tossed aside, like a stale piece of meat.
To his credit, the typically Bland Matt rushes to Caroline’s rescue, only to BE STAKED IN THE NECK with a VERY sharp object.
I hate to break this to you Matt. But red . . . is totally NOT your color.
Watching her boyfriend bleed to death, right before her eyes, Caroline has no choice but to
eat him do THIS . . .
A little while later, when Matt regains consciousness . . .
“Weirdest . . . dream . . . ever.”
. . . Caroline makes the controversial decision NOT to compel Clueless Ken to forget what happened. Instead, she decides to come clean to him about exactly WHAT she is . . . a vampire. To say that Matt doesn’t take the news well is an understatement . . .
See what I MEAN . .. about the repeated throwing . . . of the people . . . against the WALLS?
Now Tyler, was TOTALLY cool with Caroline being a vampire . . . at least, initially. He freaked out on Caroline for being dishonest with him about OTHER vampires. On the other hand, Matt immediately assumes that, JUST BECAUSE Caroline is a vampire, she, MUST have killed his sister, Vicki.
(In the words of Brittany S. Pierce, “That is SO RACIST!”)
Meanwhile, back at the Gilbert House . . .
Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah, Hey, Hey, Hey, GOODBYE!
Jeremy and Bonnie are rejoicing over Jonas’ surprising RE-GIFTING of Bonnie’s powers, and her newfound plans to conquer Klaus, herself (Yeah . . . because THAT’s going to work out well!). This Happy-Happy, Joy-Joy time with “Jonnie” is interrupted, when Stefan, and a surprisingly prickly “Elena” barge into the house.
“It’s not over yet,” says “Elena” brusquely, as she rushes upstairs toward the bathroom, leaving Stefan to explain to the rest of the Scooby Crew what the heck is going on . . .
We then see “Elena” look in the bathroom mirror. Within seconds, Jonas materializes behind her. Then, THIS happens . . .
HAHA! FOOLED YOU!
So now . . . Jonas is dead. And, of course, judgy Bonnie, is whining about how she “didn’t have to kill him.” (Ummm . . . Bonnie . . . actually . . . SHE REALLY DID!)
Meanwhile, in my mind, Elena and Damon are ALONE in La Casa de Rich and Awesome having REALLY HOT SEX . . .
(A girl can DREAM, can’t she?)
When Kat and Stefan return, Elena is not all that happy to see her doppelganger, despite the fact that Kat has “graciously” returned the vervain necklace to her lookalike . . . (Now, why does this scene strike me as familiar?)
*sings* Memories . . . like the corners of my mind . . . Misty water-colored MEMORIES!
Kat promises Elena that she is not a threat to her. After all, Kat presumably needs Elena alive, in order to kill Klaus. The question is, can we really trust THE KAT.
Well, I can’t speak for Stefan or Elena, but, after watching these next two scenes, I know what DAMON would say . . .
Kat Gets DE-NIED!
In the study of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Kat decides to decompress, by reading a little more about the Exciting Life of Jonathan Gilbert (Zzzzzz!). Fortunately, Kat doesn’t have to be bored for long. Damon is there waiting for her, with a VERY SPECIAL SURPRISE!
“That’s for trying to get me killed. Next time, it goes in your head,” Damon growls.
Apparently, Kat finds this whole “Staking Thing” a HUGE turn on, because she winds up in Damon’s MASSIVELY LARGE bed, just a few hours later.
Suddenly, Kat is being all coquettish and seductive. Before we know it, she’s straddling Damon, and kissing him ALL OVER!
Damon’s response to this seduction: “There are at least six other bedrooms in this house, why don’t you go find one of them?”
Translation: Umm . . . Kat . . .
Alternate Translation: “I LOVE YOU, ELENA!”
They belong to KAT, now!
Girlfriend, I feel your pain. I’ve been there . . . well . . . sort of. Might I suggest a VERY COLD SHOWER?
In other news . . . Alaric told Jenna he loves her . . . zzzzzzzzzzzz . . . He’s also still wearing WAY too much guyliner . . .
As for Jenna, well, in the last few seconds of the episode, she gets a Very Special Visitor . . .
Jenna . . . you remember ISOBEL, right? You know, Alaric’s supposedly DEAD wife? The one who also, at least according to her, is Elena’s BIO MOM?
Oh, Alaric . . . you’ve got some ‘SPLAINING to do!
And, there you have it, the LAST Vampire Diaries episode until . . . APRIL 7th!
Don’t worry, Fangbangers! We’ll get through this together . . .
[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]