Who doesn’t like to start their day with a good old-fashioned threesome?
“You’re not a weirdo. You’re special.”
“He’s not dumb. He’s special.”
“She’s not ugly. She’s just special.”
“They are doing bizarre things, because they are special.”
The above lines were frequently uttered in my childhood home, whenever I would make a derogatory or insensitive comment about someone or something that I found dissatisfactorily different. I presume these responses were intended to make grow into a more open-minded tolerant adult. And, eventually, I guess they did. Initially, however, their only effect was to make me subconsciously despise the word “special.”
This week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy was all about the things that make us “special.” So, without further adieu, let’s let our Freak Flags fly, and take a look back at this “very special” episode.
“I’m Not G.I. Jane. I’m Attachment Barbie!”
Before I begin, please enjoy this pictoral representation of the above statement.
but . . .
Poor Dr. Teddy! FINALLY, she had found herself a Hot and Smart Boyfriend . . .
. . . who wasn’t hung up on another girl . . . ahem . . .
. . . ahem . . .
. . . He even provided her with FREE THERAPY!
OK . . . mostly just Sex Therapy, but still . . .
Then, just when she’s really starting to like him, HE LEAVES!
Leaves? To go where? I mean, I understand that Dr. Perkins is a recurring guest star “Trauma Specialist,” who was only hired to help the doctors at Seattle Grace transition back into performing surgeries, following the shooting. But where does he live? Timbuktu?
Do you mean to tell me that there are NO “Trauma Specialists” practicing in the entire West Coast? Somehow, I find that very hard to believe . . . I mean, California alone is filled with enough “special” “traumatized” folks to keep doctors like Andrew Perkins busy for YEARS!
So, WHAT if he doesn’t work in the hospital anymore? Can’t ANYBODY on this show sustain a healthy relationship with someone who has found *gasp* employment elsewhere? Haven’t these people ever heard of the phrase “don’t poo, where you eat?”
(OK . . . I’m done ranting now. I apologize. I guess Teddy wasn’t the only one who got “attached” to Doctor Perkins.)
Anyway . . . at the end of the episode the soon-to-be absent Dr. Andrew, more or less, diagnoses Teddy as being “Relationship Retarded,” and chronically self-sabotaging regarding the men to whom she finds herself attracted. Awwwww, how romantic!
“You had me at ‘Retarded!'”
“You Stink . . .”
“. . . but, hey, at least you’re hot!”
Lately, it seems as though the men of Seattle Grace have been having issues with “personal hygiene.” Last week, Derek Shepard arrived at work smelling like pee . . .
This week, Alex . . .
. . . wandered the hospital halls, reeking like Smelly Gym Socks . . .
You see, Alex smelled bad, because he was sweaty. And he was sweaty, because he was using Seattle Grace as his personal gym — running up and down its stairwell, like Rocky . . .
And he was running the stairs like Rocky, because he was afraid of elevators. And he was afraid of elevators, because he just saw that AWFUL M. Night Shamalamadingdong movie where the Devil hung out in one he almost bled to death in one.
Of course, only one man was smart enough to put all of this together, and figure out Alex’s Deep Dark Secret, THIS GUY . . .
Chief Webber – The Stink Detective
After solving the horrible Smell Crime, Chief Webber decided to “cure” Alex, by making him ride the elevators with him over and over, again, up and down, until he was “not scared, just bored.”
Yes, Average American Citizen, when you are shelling out thousands of bucks a year to the healthcare industry, THIS is what you are paying for, Rich Surgeons riding elevators, over and over again, until they get “bored” . . .
It just warms my heart to know that my money is being spent to help “those in need” . . .
Lesson of the Day . . .
When trying to get unwelcome visitors to leave your apartment . . .
. . . just have Crazy Dirty Sex right in front of them . . .
PicSpam provided by http://fuckyeahcallieandarizona.tumblr.com/
(Then again, that might actually make them stay LONGER . . .).
Yeah, I’m sorry Callie and Arizona. Once again, you had a lame and insignificant storyline this week. But hey, isn’t Wild and Crazy PDA in front of the Mr. and Mrs. PTSD better than fighting over paint swatches?
Yeah, I thought so too . . .
If at first you don’t succeed, screw someone else . . .
When you work at Seattle Grace, a lot can happen in a single hour. One minute you can be stalking pining over the Girl of Your Dreams . . .
The next you can be boning your best friend’s REALLY ANNOYING baby sister . . .
. . . while the Girl of Your Dreams (who was probably about to tell you that she still loves you) watches . . .
. . . all because some patient’s wife told you that “Sometimes love just ain’t enough.”
(Ummm . . . Mark . . . just because it’s the title of an 80’s song, doesn’t make it Good Advice . . .)
So About that Patient . . .
There are a lot of things I could have said / jokes I could have made about this week’s Medical Marvel of the Week — a man with a rare form of HPV that caused his entire body to be covered with warts, giving him what looked like trees for hands.
(Needless to say, if someone in the Grey’s Anatomy makeup department ever wanted to get into doing horror films after Grey’s went off the air, this would be the picture on the top page of the portfolio).
However, kinder, gentler, friends of mine warned me that HPV is a very REAL disease, and that making such jokes would be inappropriate . . .
So, to make a long story short. He looked gross. He made Lexie gag. A spider randomly crawled out of his arm during surgery. It made the apparently arachniphobic Bailey scream like a little girl. They couldn’t fix him. His wife left his ass. So much for a happy ending . . .
And that “Other” Patient . . .
Through the course of this show, our Seattle Grace residents have dealt with men who swallowed Barbie heads, insane psycho killers, people who have sex with ghosts, someone with a 10-foot pole up his spine, and, most recently, a real life Tree Man. Taking all that into consideration, it was a bit unbelievable that these same people would be so shocked, appalled, and freaked out by something as mundane and dull as a 27-year old virgin.
You know who shocked me MORE? Her fiance! And no, it’s not just because the actor who played him, Omar Gooding . . .
. . . just so happens to be the little brother of a MAJORLY FAMOUS actor with the same last name . . .
. . . or because he used to be on this very random show I used to watch on Nickelodeon when I was a kid . . .
. . . I’m talking about the fact that the character was NOT a virgin, and yet, was willing to abstain from sex for TWO WHOLE YEARS . . .
. . . all because his girlfriend wanted to wait until marriage. I mean, THAT’S GOTTA qualify you for Sainthood or something, right?
In fact, it was this guy’s superhuman fortitude, and NOT his fiance’s virgin status, that made me cringe, when I found out what was “wrong” with the girl in question.
Fellow TV Watchers, have you ever noticed on television that, right before a character learns something from another character that’s going to DEMORALIZE his or her significant other, the character receiving the information always says “Anything you say to me, you can say in front of my [signficant other].”
I’m sorry, but that has to be the STUPIDEST thing to say EVER! Word to the wise, secret keepers, when someone tells you they’d like to tell you something in private, DO IT! Don’t try to be a hero! If you do, you may just end up without a sidekick . . .
As it turns out, the “virginal” soon-to-be bride was experiencing medical complications, as a result of . . . swallowing a condom.
Well, understandably, hearing this made Mr. I Haven’t Had Sex in Two Years to Appease My Virginal Girlfriend’s blue balls EXPLODE!
However, in hindsight, he needn’t have gotten so riled up. After all, his fiance had only swallowed the condom, while attempting to practice the fine art of giving him oral sex putting on a condom with her teeth . . .
Just a word to the wise Bride-to-Be, on your BIG Wedding Night, USE YOUR HANDS!
As it turns out, Bride-to-Be isn’t the only late twenty-something virgin in Seattle, Dr. April is one too . . .
. . . and when the residents find out about it, at one of their late night alcoholic functions . . .
. . . they give poor April a really hard time about it . . .
“Ummmm . . . April, if you ever need someone to ‘Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before,’ I am totally your guy . . . Would it help you to know that I just showered?”
April stands up for herself. And in one of those Slightly Overdramatic Character Exposition Monologues that Grey’s has become so known for over the past five years, the 28-year old virgin proceeds to tell all of the show’s main characters what’s wrong with EACH OF THEM!
Clearly impressed, Meredith tells April that she is “liking [her] more and more.”
“You are flaming out . . . It is NOT OK.”
Christina Yang is contemplating a serious career change, one that involves poo and plungers . . .
Talk about a “Game Changer.” Christina Yang is definitely the last character we would expect to see like this. When we see her this week, she is needy, vulnerable, and unable to sleep alone. But more disturbing, is her new apathy toward toward medicine in general, and surgery, specifically.
It is very hard to watch this “New Christina,” who has been put on Derek’s rotation, but only because he demanded it (“If she goes, I go!” He said to the rest of the board.) She continually feigns lack of knowledge of surgical procedures, and when she does get inside the OR, she freezes AGAIN!
“Would you still love me, if I wasn’t a surgeon?” Christina asks Owen, in one of their sweet little cuddle sessions we’ve come to expect from this season. (These two are the NEW Meredith and Derek, it seems).
“HELL NO, BITCH! I would love you if you were a plumber . . .
. . . but would YOU love you if you weren’t a surgeon?” Owen replies.
“I don’t know . . . maybe,” Christina answer’s dolefully.
Toward the end of the episode, Derek commandeers her in an empty OR. “You are flaming out, And as someone who cares about you, it is not OK,” he tells her.
Derek admits to Christina that she is not someone he initially would have chosen as a friend mainly because she can be such a heinous bitch, sometimes. And yet, here she is — his wife’s best friend / Twisted Sister, the woman who saved his life. She is like family.
And so, Derek stays with Christina. He guides her through the surgical procedure she conducted on him on the fateful day that changed both of their lives forever. She performs the surgery again . . . this time on a dummy.
It’s depressing . . . but oddly poignant.
Speaking of Twisted Sisters . . .
I know all you Private Practice fans out there ADORE Amelia Shepherd, but BOY did she bug me! And no, it wasnt just because she unwittingly ruined Mark and Lexie’s chance at happiness. Nor was it because her definition of love was bringing Derek a Tumor Patient she banged on the airplane on the way over . . .
No. She bugged me because she was ANNOYING, and INSENSITIVE. She said mean things about Christina, like that she was a “learning disabled” “dud.” And she somehow managed to make the trauma Derek suffered as a result of the shooting ALL ABOUT HER!
“Why didn’t you call me? Why didn’t you tell me? Why haven’t you visited me? MEMEMEMEMEMEME?”
So, I wasn’t so mad at Derek for being a total Ass to her, despite her having traveled ALL THE WAY FROM PRIVATE PRACTICE to see him. And yet, I was touched by Derek’s little speech, about always wanting to protect his baby sister from harm. Apparently, Derek has felt that way, ever since the night when his father was shot, right before his and Amelia’s eyes. Amelia was only five at the time.
For Derek to tell Amelia about his being shot, would be to admit to his baby sister that the world is a dark and unforgiving place. And, even though Amelia is clearly an adult now, Derek still isn’t quite ready to do that just yet . . .
So, I guess it ended up being all about HER, after all . . .
So, there you have it fellow Greysies! Another episode bites the dust. Next stop, SHIRTLESS AVERY!
*Sigh* Is it next week yet?