And the EYES have it! – A Celebration of the Small Screen’s Dreamiest Peepers

I SEE YOU!

They say that the “Eyes are the window to the Soul.”  And that may very well be true . . .   But, lately, I’ve come to realize that a nice pair of peepers might very well be a window into something else . . .

My PANTIES! 

(Get it?  Because when I look at guys with beautiful eyes .  . . nevermind.)

There’s just something about an actor with really large, intense, and expressive eyes that makes you fall instantly in love with whatever character he’s playing.  You’ll fall for him, regardless of what selfish, evil, dumb, or generally douchebaggy thing he happens to be doing at the time.  Because even when the character is behaving badly, his eyes make him look like he’s feeling really guilty about it . . . Or, maybe they don’t make him look guilty at all.  But you’re so charmed by those pretty irises, you just plain don’t give a damn!

Today, I’d like to honor (in no particular order) some fabulous television actors, whose mesmeric eyes have the power to make me forgive them for all their evil deeds, and, occasionally, make me forget my own name . . .

[Note: As always, not all the YouTube clips included in this post are embedding-enabled.  So, if you want to watch them all (and I HIGHLY recommend that you do!) just click on those internal links, and AWAY YOU GO! :)]

(1) Ian Somerhalder  (Damon Salvatore from The Vampire Diaries)

If you thought that I would be capable of writing an entire blog post about TV Eyes, without including Ian Somerhalder somewhere in it, you’ve clearly never read this blog before.  (WELCOME, New Friend! :)) In his role as Damon Salvatore, Ian’s eyes literally have the power to make thousands of women do his bidding.  (And I’m not just talking about the Fangirls at home, either . . .)

And yet, even without all that vampire mind control magic behind them, Ian’s eyes still have a very sensual power that’s entirely their own.

With them, he can charm you . . .

 . . . or make you fall in love . . .

 . . . or make you cower in fear . . .

. . . or break your heart . . .

Not bad for a single day’s work, right?

Cheers, You SEXY BEAST!

(2) Alexander Skarsgard (Eric Northman from True Blood)

Unlike Damon Salvatore, True Blood vampire, Eric Northman doesn’t have the luxury of simply using his hypnotic eyes to get a drink, save his loved ones, or get the girl.  After all, he’s the SHERIFF of AREA FIVE!  He’s got a community to run . . .  a business to keep afloat . . .

 . . . a “child” to keep in line . . .

. . . and enemies to vanquish . . .

But that doesn’t mean our favorite Viking Vampire can’t have a little fun along the way . . .

This is a guy who understands his power over women, and KNOWS how to use his eyes to get what he wants . . .

But with stares like these, can you really blame women (and men) from becoming puddy, under his gaze?

I’ll take your silence as a “NO” . . . 😉

(3) Jensen Ackles (Dean Winchester from Supernatural)

Dean Winchester may not be a vampire — like his eye-catching compadres, Damon and Eric — but he has staked a few of them, in his day!

If demons spy these intensely determined baby blues heading their way, they better run FAST!  Because Dean Winchester has a Take No Prisoners attitude, when it comes to protecting his family, and a No Tolerance Policy when it comes to EEEEEVVIL!  He’s tough.  He’s snarky,  He’s super BAD ASS!  And yet, he’s very HUMAN. 

 

So, when Deam falters, or cries, or when those big saucer-sized eyes of his beg you for forgiveness, it will melt your heart . . .

(4) Mark Salling (Noah “Puck” Puckerman from Glee)

Noah “Puck” Puckerman doesn’t DO vampires.  He isn’t one.  He doesn’t fight them.  And I strongly suspect that he thinks that the entire Twilight series is for pussies.  And yet Puck shares one very important thing in common with undead bloodsuckers and debonair demon fighters.  His sexy eyes have power.  And they MEAN BUSINESS!

Oh, and Puck can do something those supernatural boys CAN’T!  He can SING!  Check out how Puck’s Eye-F*cking /Neil Diamond-crooning combination makes the typically uptight Rachel Berry turn to complete mush, in this next clip . . .

(5) David Boreanaz (Seeley Booth from Bones)

Lest you brown-eyed girls and boys think this article is biased toward men with eyes of blue and green, I’ve included a smoky eyed gentleman in this list, for your personal viewing pleasure.  We first met David Boreanaz as that bleeding-heart romantic bloodsucker with a soul, Angel, on Buffy the Vampire Slayer . . .

A few years later, “Angel” got his own show.  As a result, Boreanaz’s chestnut-colored orbs were rewarded with significantly more screen time, to meet their brood and smoulder needs.

Then after years (centuries?) of traversing in the Land of the Undead, Boreanaz was converted to “mere mortal” status, when he landed the role of FBI Agent Seely Booth on the crime procedural show Bonens.  Sure, Booth might not be as dark, broody, murderous or tormented as the eye candy previously mentioned on this list, but that doesn’t mean he’s not a catch!

*clears throat, loosens collar*

Booth is smart, tough, funny, a tiger in the bedroom, a charmer with the ladies, and a major fan of Classic Rock.  Did I mention he wears cool socks?

Woah, he has a Magic 8 Ball on his desk TOO?  I really have to start watching this show!

And if all that hasn’t sold you yet, this next clip most certainly will.  (And remember, focus on the EYES . . . just the EYES! ;))

 

(6) Julian Morris (Wren from Pretty Little Liars)

Julian Morris and those GORGEOUS peepers of his have been breaking my heart ALL YEAR!  I first encountered him in the role of Wren on Pretty Little Liars . . .

*Sigh*  He was just so ADORABLE . . .

and CHARMING . . .

and BRITISH . . .

and GOOD AT GIVING BACK RUBS!

And then, suddenly . . . POOF . . . he was GONE!

Then Julian Morris landed a role on the new ABC mockumentary, My Generation . . .

 . . . which got canceled after two episodes . . .

And so, with Pretty Little Liars returning to ABC Family in January, I would like to use this part of my post as an unofficial plea to bring Julian Morris’ eyes back to my TV!  Consider the following clip as evidence in support of my argument . . .

So cheesy, and yet, so VERY HOT!

(7) Chace Crawford (Nate Archibald from Gossip Girl)

Dear, Sweet, Nate Archibald!  Of all the scheming, conniving, lying and backstabbing characters on Gossip Girl, he is probably the most innocent and honest (some would say naive).  Sure, he was born with the proverbial silver spoon in his mouth.  But that doesn’t make Nate arrogant, or cocky, or shallow . . .

At his core, Nate is a bleeding heart.  He values honesty and friendship.  But, above all else, Nate values romance.  And to understand the extent of Nate’s innocence, kindness, and capacity for puppy love, all one needs to do, is look into those translucent baby blue eyes of his . . . 

Admittedly, Nate’s probably not the smartest guy on this list.  But he’s definitely one of the sweetest.

(8 ) Michael Pitt (Jimmy Darmody from Boardwalk Empire)

By the time I started watching Michael Pitt as the Ivy League college kid, turned grizzled war veteran, turned hardened gangster, Jimmy Darmody on Boardwalk Empire,  he and I were already rather well acquainted . . .  After all, he was the guileless freshman football player, Henry, who won Jaded Jen Lindley’s heart on Dawson’s Creek . . .

Then, I got to see even MORE of him in the admittedly bizarre, but compulsively watchable, independent film The Dreamers, during which Pitt spent most of the film’s two-plus-hour running time butt naked, and engaged in kinky sex with an odd, but very attractive brother / sister duo . . .

I bet your wishing YOU saw it now, huh?

(I also saw him in M. Night Shlamalamadingdong’s AWFUL film The Village.  But we need not bring up such atrocities.  This is a TRIBUTE post, after all.) 

Please, don’t shoot me!  I promise not to bring it up again!

 When I revisited Pitt a few years later, in the role of Jimmy Darmody, I was impressed by how much he had grown, both as a human, and as an actor . . .

Who knew that cute little twerp, Henry, would grow up to be such a Rockin’ Bad ASS?

Yet, through all that growth and change, and despite all the diverse roles that comprise Michael Pitt’s impressive repertoire The Village, notwithstanding, one thing that remains a constant are his boyishly innocent puppy dog eyes  . . .

 .  . . even when those eyes are looking at you, like they want to put a cap in your ass .  . .

(Warning:  The following clip contains violence and offensive language.  But it’s REALLY AWESOME!  Viewer discretion advised.)

After all, if your life is destined to be cut short by a cold-hearted gangster, staring into those cobalt blue globes is definitely the way to go.  I mean, it could be worse . . .  Your last vision could end up being THIS . . .

(9) Jesse Williams (Jackson Avery from Grey’s Anatomy)

OK .  . . so you’ve just been shot by Jimmy Darmody, and lived to tell the tale.  But now you have to go to the hospital.  Who’s face would you most like to see peering over you, as you lay half-conscious on the operating table?  Because I know what MY answer would be .  . .

For me, Jesse William’s Dr. Jackson Avery has been the BEST thing about this season of Grey’s Anatomy, HANDS DOWN!  He is brilliant and cocky. 

He can be heroic. 

And he’s a loyal friend, who is more than willing to punch out the lights of the boy, who treated you badly.

Did I mention that he looks like THIS?

One thing I’ve always liked about Grey’s Anatomy, is that the show NEVER shies away from male objectification.  Those Grey’s writers, Boy!  When they’ve got it, they FLAUNT IT!  In fact, this season, there was an ENTIRE episode dedicated to Jackson Avery’s eyes and body, and their almost vampiric ability to get women to cater to his every whim . . . Not that there’s anything wrong with THAT!

(10) Matt Lanter (Liam Court from 90210)

This brooding bad boy of West Beverly is the Dylan McKay of 90210‘s next generation.  Like that other Lusty Lothario, Liam is not exactly the best at vocalizing his feelings.  He also has some MAJOR daddy issues, and an intense temper to match. 

And yet, beneath all that angst, when it comes to the girls he loves, Liam really is just an old softie . . .

With his supple skin and chameleon-like eyes, who’s hues range from grey to almost purple, Liam definitely has no trouble getting the girls to take notice of him.  And what nubile young high school student doesn’t want to reform a Hot Rebel with a Cause?  Especially, when he looks like THIS, beneath the sheets . . .

So, there you have it, 10 fabulous TV stars, and 20 amazing and awe-inspiring eyeballs!  What more could a TV Fangirl ask for? 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]

When Bad Dancing Happens to Good TV Stars . . .

When you’ve resorted to “ass-slapping,” it’s never a good sign . . .

Ahhhh, dancing.  We all do it on occasion.  But only a few of us can actually do it well.  But, even if you aren’t exactly the “Life of the Dance Party,” perhaps, you can sleep better tonight, knowing that you are not ALONE.  In fact, there are many, otherwise, very cool, talented, and debonair television stars out there, who undoubtedly dance just as bad as you do! 

Anyone who watched television during the 90’s, undoubtedly remembers The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

If you ever watched The Fresh Prince, you probably know that, regardless of what an AWFUL dresser he was (see picture above), Will Smith, who played the titular character on the show, was a VERY GOOD DANCER!  His cousin, Carlton (played by Alfonso Ribeiro), however?  Not so much . . .

Around the same time Carlton was “getting jiggy,” on The Fresh Prince, another, very different, comedy sitcom was also gaining popularity . . .

Seinfeld had always been a show known for its crazy characters, and ridiculous occurrences.   Of all the characters on that show, Elaine (played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus) was probably the most “normal.”  That is . . . until she stepped out on the dance floor . . .

But that all happened during the 90’s.  And we can’t really blame television stars for dancing badly during the 90’s, right?  After all, in the 90’s, our idea of “good dancing” was this . . .

So, in order to make YOU feel better about YOUR bad dancing, we need to show you some television stars who dance badly, in this decade!

Josh Holloway, a.k.a. Sawyer from Lost

*Sigh*  How I miss Sawyer, let me count the ways.  Not only did he have the best body EVER, he was also the quintessential “Bad Boy,” and a closet romantic, who was pretty gosh darn hilarious, to boot.  Honestly, who wouldn’t want to get a slightly insulting / highly stereotypical nickname from Sawyer, after joining him a rousing round of Bear Cage Sex?

And yet, Sawyer, as much as I adore you, your dancing skills leave a bit to be desired.  Allow me to draw your attention to Bad Dancing Example 1:

And Example 2:

Then again, can you really blame a guy who’ s been stuck on a deserted island with Psychotic Others and Killer Polar Bears for six years for never learning how to “Dougie?”

Ryan Kwanten, a.k.a. Jason Stackhouse from True Blood

Jason Stackhouse’s half-naked body is a sight to behold, FOR SURE!  And yet, just because you look good half-naked, doesn’t mean you dance well half-naked too.  Then again, perhaps, Jason instinctively understood this.  Why else would he be wearing that Creepy Ex-President Mask?

Speaking of True Blood stars . . .

Alexander Skarsgard, a.k.a. Vampire Eric Northman on True Blood

Eric Northman.  Now THAT GUY is the epitome of COOL!  Not only is his body flawless . . .

. . . but he always seems to know exactly what to say to make the girls’  hearts melt . . .

That vamp is like a Human Panty Dropper!

That being said, I’m not quite sure what exactly he was trying to do here:

Speaking of Super Cool and Sexy Vampires doing ambiguously gay things . . .

Ian Somerhalder, a.k.a. Vampire Damon Salvatore on The Vampire Diaries

If you’ve read this blog before, you already know that I am OBSESSED with Ian Somerhalder, in general, and his character Damon Salvatore, on The Vampire Diaries, specifically.  Not only is Damon Salvatore, a Brooding Bad Boy . . .

 . . . the Life of the Party . . .

 . . . and a Hopeless Romantic . . .

 . . . he’s also a FABULOUS DANCER.

So, why, you ask, is HE on this list?  Remember what I said earlier about “Half-Naked Dancing,” not necessarily being “Good Dancing?”  Well . . .

 . . . I rest my case.

In other Bad Dancing Vampire news . . .

David Boreanaz, a.k.a. Angel on Buffy the Vampire Slayer (and Angel), and Booth on Bones

David Boreanaz . . . he’s a pretty cool guy, right?  I mean, this is someone who KNOWS how to wear a suit!  And yet, he also looks fairly amazing wearing NOTHING AT ALL . . .

Perhaps, we know him best now as the smart, loveable, and adorably snarky Booth on Bones.  But, like Ian and Alexander after him, David Boreanaz is no stranger to donning THE FANGS.  On both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and its spinoff, Angel, David played the sometimes sweet, sometimes evil “Angel”  (although, when he was evil they usually called him “Angelus,” weird right?). 

Whether Angel was trying to kiss Buffy, or KILL HER, he always looked like a true gentleman doing it . . . except, of course, when he was dancing . . .

GIF provided courtesy of my AWESOME blogging pal Cherie, over at myspideysenseistingling.

Ummm . . . Booth?  Perhaps, you better stick to your Day Job of playing with skeletons.  Because I’m guessing Dancing with the Stars is not in your future.

Hey, you know who used to be on Angel with David Boreanaz?  Vincent Kartheiser!

What a coincidence!  Because he made this list too!

Vincent Kartheiser, a.k.a. Pete Campbell on Mad Men

A lot of people don’t like Pete Campbell on Mad Men.  They find him slimy, manipulative, whiny and insecure.   Well,  they are RIGHT!  He’s all of those things! 

 (Although, in his defense, he’s gotten A LOT kinder and gentler, this past season.) 

I, for one, have always LOVED Pete.  And a lot of that has to do with Vincent Kartheiser‘s  amazing acting ability.  I just find him so intriguing, and fascinating to watch.  Whenever, he’s on screen, I just can’t keep my EYES OFF OF HIM!  Unless, of course, he’s dancing.  Then, I have to look away . . .

Speaking of Mad Men stars who can’t dance . . .

Jon Hamm, a.k.a. Don Draper of Mad Men

Don Draper, I am very disappointed in you!  You just got engaged to Megan! 

What the heck are you doing, getting jiggy with Betty White?

I hope you don’t plan on dancing like that at the wedding . . .

Elsewhere in Manhattan . . .

Chace Crawford, a.k.a. Nate Archibald on Gossip Girl

Spotted:  A gorgeous rich white boy, teaching us that, just because you were born with a “silver spoon in your mouth,” doesn’t mean your parents ever paid for you to have dance lessons . . .

And, of course, who could forget . . .

John Krasinski, a.k.a. Jim Halpert on The Office

If John Krasinski wasn’t already married to Emily Blunt and if I looked anywhere near as pretty as Emily Blunt, I’d totally marry him.  This guy is the WHOLE PACKAGE!  He’s smart, sweet, funny, caring, and, perhaps, most importantly, a bit of a goofball.  Did I mention that he makes this face ALL THE TIME?

ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE!

In fact, John Krasinski is almost TOO perfect.  I mean, what would I bring to the relationship? 

Aha, now I know what I would bring!  Two right feet, for his dual left ones . . .

So, you see Fellow Bad Dancers, you are in VERY GOOD COMPANY!  There are plenty of successful, attractive, and powerful people, who don’t know there mambos from their cha-chas.  Heck, our very own President might be one of them!

But even if your the Worst Dancer in the World, that’s NO EXCUSE not to be dancing!  Dancing brings people together.  It makes them happy.  It gets their hearts racing, in a good way.  In short, dancing makes the world go round. 

So, don’t worry about looking silly.  Just strap on your party shoes, hit the dance floor, and EVERYBODY CUT FOOTLOSE!

(Grrr!  Pesky Copyright Requirements 😦 . . . Click on the embedded link, if you want to DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY!)

[www.juliekushner.com]

Ryan Kwanten: Where are you going? Where have you been (all my life)?

It’s times like these when I wish my laptop screen had a “3D” option . . .

You know him as Jason Stackhouse — Sookie’s dim-witted, but VERY loveable, huggable, kissable and MUCH MORE-able older brother on HBO’s hit series, True Blood.

Truth be told, you probably knew someone like Jason Stackhouse in high school (though, no where NEAR as hot as he is, I imagine).  At first glance, Jason seems like the quintessential “dumb jock” . . .

 . . . a high school football star (Starting Quarterback, to be exact), who has a real way with the ladies . . .

 ALL the ladies (and the MEN too) . . .

But here’s the thing about this “way” he has with the ladies (and men) . . . it gets him into trouble sometimes . . .

OK .  . . A LOT of times.  And the fact that he has a bad temper, certainly doesn’t help matters . . .

Jason is the kind of guy who shoots first, and asks questions later.

And the questions he DOES ask, often leave you as confused as he is  . . .

And that is VERY confused!

Wait . . . why should I tell you all this, when I can SHOW you?

Now, some of the aforementioned traits may seem like negative attributes, but there are  lots of great things about Jason too!  For one thing, he has a childlike sensibility.  Jason is a TRUE believer . . .

 

. . . in SANTA CLAUS . . .

 . . . and ANGELS !

Plus, he is always a loyal friend and confidant.

Did I mention, he is HIGHLY flexible?

And INSANELY good in bed?

But perhaps the BEST person to explain Jason Stackhouse to you, would be Jason himself . . .

OK.  So, now that we’ve met the character he plays, Jason Stackhouse, we are pretty clear on where Ryan Kwanten IS.  But WHERE HAS HE BEEN?

Well, for starters, Ryan Kwanten was born on November 28, 1976 in Sydney, New South Wales, Australia.  He started acting in the early 90’s, but didn’t really hit his stride, until the latter half of that decade.  Those Aussies among you might remember him as the adorable Vinnie Patterson on the soap opera Home and Away, a role he inhabited from 1997 until 2002.

But, even if you don’t remember Home and Away (because I don’t), you are sure to enjoy this VERY OLD trailer for the program, featuring Ryan Kwanten, himself . . .

(By the way, all you Pretty Little Liars fans out there should check out the “Dani” character at the 10 second mark.  Look familiar to you?  She SHOULD!

It’s Tammin Sursok a.k.a. BLIND JENNA!  Who knew?)

In 2003, Ryan starred in the film Liquid Bridge . . .

 . . . in which he played surfer dude, Nick Callum, who liked to wear his surfboard . . . and often NOTHING ELSE!

Check out the trailer for the film.  It’s practically SURF PORN!

But most of us U.S. fangirls didn’t meet Ryan until 2004, on the television drama Summerland, where he played another surf star, Jay Robertson. 

For your viewing pleasure, I have included a nice little clip of Ryan as “Shirtless Jay” here.  (Feel free to fast forward through all the lame Jesse McCartney stuff in the beginning and middle, because that’s what I did.)

In 2006, Ryan landed a role in the feature film, Flicka.  You know, the one based on the book . . . about the horse . . .

I didn’t see this one either.   But I found a great gag reel fom the film on YouTube.  The best part of the reel, by far, is the the end, which features Ryan doing some ad-libbing.  In the scene, Ryan’s character, Howard McLaughlin, is asked if there is anyone out there more fortunate than he.  He has some creative answers.  Who knew Ryan was such a Faith Hill fan?

There you go!  So, now you not only know where Ryan Kwanten IS, you also know where he has BEEN.  But where is he GOING?

Well, in short, it looks like Ryan is GOING back to the big screen.  Based on these two upcoming trailers, our favorite shirtless funny man will be taking a turn for the angsty and dramatic.  This first trailer is for Home and Away, a film that was made back in 2007, but is STILL pending release (WTF producers?).  In it, Ryan stars alongside The O.C.’s Mischa Barton, as a disillusioned young man, who has seemingly sold his soul to the music industry.  However, during the course of the film, he gets it back, thanks to the impending loss of his father, and the love of a free-spirited woman.  Check it out . . .

Now, normally, when I show a movie trailer like this, I try to precede it with the poster for the film.  But this poster REALLY bugged me.  See if you can figure out why . . .

Would someone PLEASE explain to me what Mischa Barton’s ginormous head is doing dwarfing MY Ryan?  Didn’t I just say this film is about a “disillusioned young MAN?”  So, tell me, which of the people in this poster seem to fit that description?  HINT:  It’s NOT the girl with a noggin that is seemingly the size of EARTH! 

I think I just figured out why this film hasn’t found it’s way into theaters yet.  Two words:  POOR.  MARKETING.

Needless to say, the poster for the next trailer I am going to show you is WAY more MY speed . . .

Now, that’s more like it!

Was it just me, or did that trailer sort of remind you of the film No Country for Old Men?

Only with WAY better hair!

According to IMDB, Ryan also has a number of other film projects in the works.  Most notable among these are: (1) The Knights of Badassdom,  a horror film about LARPers who unwittingly release demons on to the world (Are they SURE this isn’t supposed to be a comedy?); and (2) Griff the Invisible, a romantic comedy in which Kwanten plays . . . a SUPERHERO . . .

 . . . who BETTER NOT actually be INVISIBLE.  Just sayin’ . . . (Talk about a waste of a beautiful specimen!)

So, there you have it.  We now know where, Ryan Kwanten IS, where he’s GOING, and where he’s BEEN.  

Now, as for where Jason Stackhouse is going . . .

Well, I guess we will all just have to wait and see, won’t we? 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

So You Wanna Be a Vampire? Read this before making your “life-changing” decision.

 

As a recapper of television shows involving vampires, and a voracious reader of “vampire literature,” people often write to me requesting information on how one should go about turning into a vampire.  I always welcome these questions.  After all, the decision to make the “human-to-vampire transition” is not one that should be taken lightly.  And I’ve seen far too many friends jump into this life choice, without having been truly informed as to all of its attendant consequences.

It’s like my Great, Great, Great, Great, Great Grandmother Vampire Sara once said: “Life is short, but immortality is forever.”

Don’t believe Vampire Sara? Just ask THIS GUY . . . He’s ANCIENT!

Since, regretably, I do not have the time to answer ALL of your questions (I am only human, after all), I’ve decided to devise this list of Frequently Asked Questions on the topic of vampirism.  Hopefully this list will serve to shed some light on this increasingly prevalent issue.

1) How do I go about becoming a vampire?

There are some shows schools of thought that would have you believe that in order to become a vampire, all you have to do is be bitten by one.

Still other movies like The Lost Boys schools of thought would suggest that you can become a vampire, merely by drinking a few sips of another vampire’s blood.

Well GEEZ!  If THAT was the case, EVERYBODY would do it, now wouldn’t they?   Unfortunately, making the transition is not so easy.  For starters, in most cases, it involves you DYING!

NOT FUN!

So, how do you die?  Well in most cases, a hot vampire can kill you, by draining all of the human blood from your body.

If you are lucky, he will break your neck first, so you won’t actually feel any pain when he does it.  And if you’re REALLY lucky, he’ll let you dance with him, half-naked, first . . .

The next step involves YOU drinking vampire blood.  This part can be tricky.  Especially, if you are already dead, and therefore, not  thirsty.  So, I say, drink lots of vampire blood NOW, while you are alive.  This way, by the time you want to turn, it won’t be an issue anymore.

Not sure where to get vampire blood?  Call me . . . I have some L.A. connections . . .

But don’t wait too long . . . because I have a feeling my “connection” is going to “dry up” real soon.

For those of you with cash to burn, rumor has it that, somewhere in a remote village in Alaska, there is a medical clinic that can perform the procedure in three days.  So you can become immortal, and be back at work in NO TIME!  The procedure is performed by a well-renown plastic surgeon  . . .

. . . and a highly experienced anesthesiologist . . .

All it takes is a simple lethal injection, and a quick-as-a-wink blood transfusion.  The best part?   NO unnecessary bodily decay or unsightly death scars!   In fact, many local celebrities have already been spotted frequenting the clinic  . . .

Feel free to contact the Alaska Division of Tourism for more information on this exciting opportunity.

2) All the vampires I know are young and/or hot.  I’m old as dirt and ugly as sin.  Can I still be a vampire?

First of all, sir.  I am SURE you are NOT nearly as old or ugly as you say you are. (pauses to look at the picture included as e-mail attachment – gags reflexively)

Hmmmmm . . . OK . . . well . . . Surely, there are SOME vampires that are neither young nor hot.  Let me think about this for a moment . . .

Nope.  You are right.  Unfortunately, there just doesn’t seem to be a real market out there for old ugly bloodsuckers.   Sorry about that.  Thanks for playing.  Better luck next life time . . .

3) What about that whole “can’t go out in the sunlight” thing?  I’m kind of a morning person.  So, I’m not sure I could handle that.

I can see how the whole “sunlight allergy” and “dead until dark” thing, could put a real crimp in your social and professional life.  Fortunately, today’s vampires have found many ways around this pesky inconvenience.  For example, you could, wear ugly sun-repellant jewelry like those boys in The Vampire Diaries . . .

. . . or pour glitter all over your naked body, like a drag queen at a gay nightclub  . . .

And if THAT doesn’t work, just suck it up and hang out with other vampires, who keep your same hours . . .

After you’ve become a super cool vampire, you aren’t going to want to associate with us lame ass humans, anyway.

4) I’m a pretty peaceful person.  I just don’t know if it’s in me to kill other people for their blood.  How would I survive?

Wait . . . you mean to tell me that you DON’T lick and bite people for fun?  Clearly, you are missing out.

You see, nowadays, most vampires don’t need to kill to survive.  There are lots of other options available to you.  For example, you can take a little nip of your lover during foreplay.  Very sexy!

You can also “borrow” blood from blood banks, like that dude from Moonlight . . .

. . . Or drink that synthetic stuff that looks like beer, but tastes like orange soda . . .

And, FINALLY, if you HATE little defenseless animals, and have no heart, you can go out into the woods and drink from Bambi’s mother . . .

Personally, I think this is the WORST / most immoral of ALL the above options.  However, folks in the literary world seem to equate Deer-Sucking with sainthood.  So far be it for me to judge, right?

5) Will I have any special powers when I’m a vampire?

You mean, ASIDE from being IMMORTAL, HOT and TOTALLY AWESOME?  . . .  Plenty.  As a vampire, you will have super-human strength and speed.

You will also f*ck like a rockstar . . .

Some say that you can even fly.  But, as far as I’m concerned, the coolest vampire skill of all that you will obtain is your ability to control people’s minds.

Aside from being hot, young, and Olympic-caliber f&ckers, THIS is probably the main reason why vampires ALWAYS get their mate.  Call it compulsion; call it “glamour;” call it “persuasion.”  Whatever you call it, it always works the same way.  Stare at your target with your beautiful eyes.  She falls into a deep trance.  You tell her exactly what you want her to do.  She does it.  Now, how awesome is THAT?

6) Do I REALLY need to be invited in EVERY time I want to enter a new human’s home?

The fact that you are even asking this question tells me that you are a completely rude turd, with no manners whatsoever .  . . no offense.  YES, you have to be invited in!  But the better question is, why is that a problem for you?  Is it your “thing” to just randomly go barging into people’s houses uninvited?  Talk about a BAD house guest.

Fish and YOU smell after three days . . .

Coincidentally, if you REALLY want to get into someone’s house, and the person isn’t inviting you in, just COMPEL him or her to WANT to invite you inside.  Problem solved.

7) I’ve been a vampire for many, MANY years now. All my friends are dead.  I’m bored.  What do I do now?

Ugh!  Type O, AGAIN?  I just drank that on Tuesday!

Simple.  Off yourself.  There are plenty of easy ways to do it.  For starters, you can, go on vacation someplace tropical . . .

Take a long walk into a short stake . . .

 . . . lose your head . . .

(I made this picture small, because it creeped me out too much, when it was larger.)

 . . . or just hang out with Buffy . . .

You’ll be chilling in Heaven in NO TIME!  Well . . . maybe not Heaven . . .

8 ) Any parting advice before I make “the change?”

Yes . . . invest in some good dental insurance.  You are going to have some f*&ked up teeth, for sure!

Well, that’s all I’ve got, folks.  See you on the “Other Side.”

 [What is Life Sucks Death Bites?]  [What is The Exquisite Corpse?] [ Who is Bellamy Jordan?]