Very Unsanitary – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Ouroboros”

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about this, this past week. Do you want to know what I’ve decided makes the Dredd Doctors so terrifying?

It’s not the fact that I can never understand what the heck they are saying . . .

Or that they consider scuba masks with trench coats a fashion statement . . .

It’s not even that they enjoy finding creative ways to murder teenagers, because every villain on this show does that . . . (bo-ring!)

Honestly, the Dredd Doctors freak me out, because they are such unbelievable pigs!

You want to know why all your little medical experiments are such “failures”, Dredd Doctors?

Perhaps, it has something to do with the fact that you operate on your “patients” on top of cars . . .

. . . or on dirty floors and rusted operating tables . . .

. . . reusing the same bloody medical equipment over and over again . . .

. . . after “sterilizing” it in murky gross vomit water with little (but not cute) creatures living inside it . . .

. . . and then, after you operate, you leave all these kids’ wounds exposed, gory and festering . . .

They have these things called Bandaids now, Dredd Doctors. Maybe it’s time you learned to use them . . .

As if it wasn’t frustrating enough that the Dredd Doctors’ MO is murky at best: (Make the best wuzzle ever? Kill all the teenagers in Beacon Hills? Make everyone hallucinate for no conceivable reason? Turn Scott into a whiny b*tch?), they don’t even seem to be particularly good at their job!

A nice young studly doctor in a white lab coat, with a hospital full of sterile medical equipment, (not to mention lots and lots of bandaids!) would make way better wuzzles than these Dredd Dorks . . . just saying . . .

Anywhoo, let’s review, mmm-kay?

[As always, a special thanks to Andre, who somehow manages to make an episode that, to me, looked like a big ole ugly infected wound, into a work of screencapping art!]

Deaton Goes on Spring Break

Possibly because flights to Disney World, Vegas and Hawaii were too expensive (Since no one in Beacon Hills lives long enough to get themselves a pet, the vet business in Beacon Hills isn’t what it used to be.), Deaton decides to take his annual vacation to . . . a water treatment facility somewhere in Europe that is seemingly identical to the one in Beacon Hills?

Talk about a waste of frequent flier miles!

Apparently, the Dredd Doctors were there too. The Dredd Doctors just looooove water treatment facilities, which makes me really glad my liquid diet consists entirely of Sugar Free Energy Drinks and wine. Water is dangerous!

We know this particular water treatment facility is a hang out for the Dredd Doctors because it has their logo on it, the Ouroboros, which is basically a snake eating its tail. I don’t about you, but if I was a Franken Doctor, I would choose a mascot that inspired a bit more confidence . . .. like, for example, ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD!

Eating your own body parts is just a bad idea generally. I mean, I bite my nails on occasion, but you don’t see me listing it as a skill on my resume . . .

At the water treatment facility, Deaton meets Malia’s mom, the Desert Wolf, who helpfully kills Deaton’s Russian-accented friend, so that the two can have a “private conversation.” Why is Malia’s mom hanging out at a random water treatment facility in Europe? I don’t know. I decided to stop asking logical questions about this show around the same time Dead Peter became a ghost teenage version of himself, so that Lydia could dig up his grave and make out with his rotted corpse.

Anywhoo, Malia’s mom wants to kill Malia, supposedly, but hasn’t been able to do so for 18 years, even though she’s supposedly the best hit woman in the whole wide world.

Nice to meet you, Desert Wolf. You are going to fit right in on this show!

Meanwhile, back in Beacon Hills, Scott is frustrated, because Baby Wolf Liam has been kidnapped, and his Alpha Wolf nostrils can’t smell the kid anymore.

Damn you, Old Spice Deodorant! DAMN YOUUUUUUUU!!!!!

At the Adult Table . . .

Mama McCall is quickly becoming my second favorite character on this show. (First, is Stiles, obviously.) This makes me feel old and very uncool, but also like I have good taste, because Mama McCall is awesome. (Giving birth to Scott, notwithstanding.)

She calls her soon-to-be boyfriend, Sheriff Stilinski over to her house to help her with a rather pressing matter. “You’re a strong man, aren’t you Sheriff Stilinski?” Mama McCall inquires coyly. “Think you could help me move this monster teen’s corpse with Kira’s sword in it off my kitchen table for me? It is really hard to serve pot roast on top of her, as the murder weapon keeps getting in the way.”

“You do realize I have to report this dead body to the rest of the police department, don’t you?” Sheriff responds judgmentally.

“Oh, don’t be such a stick in the mud!” Mama McCall complains. “Teens on this show have the lifespans of fruit flies. Who is going to miss another dead one? This one didn’t even get a name. Now, move her, so I can eat my dinner!”

“No!” Sheriff Stilinski retorts. “This girl is dead and your son’s girlfriend killed her. I’m going to make sure she gets the death penalty, and try to get your son thrown in jail too, for having such awful taste in women. I’m not sure that’s a crime per se, but I’ll find a way to make it one.”

“Are you just behaving this way, so viewers will understand why Stiles is so freaked out about telling you he killed that punk who wanted to murder you in self-defense?” Mama McCall inquires.

“Pretty much,” responds Sheriff Stilinski.

So, Mama McCall does what any woman would do while hanging out with a corpse and a cop in the kitchen, she smacks Sheriff Stilinski in the face. “And to think, I was going to have sex with you on this murder table!” She mutters under her breath.

Mama McCall isn’t done having foreplay with Stiles’ dad yet though. She pops down to the station later on to file a police report about the dead body that is basically a recap of Seasons 1 through 5 of Teen Wolf.

“You know, I can’t file this, Melissa!” Sheriff Stilinski scolds. “There are way too many plot holes and inconsistent character development. Plus, who the heck is this Danny character? He’s around for four seasons, then he just disappears and everyone forgets he existed?”

Then, Mama McCall and Sheriff Stilinski start having hot angry hate sex right on Sheriff Stilinski’s desk . . . or at least they would if I wrote this episode . . .

Out on some random street, Kira is wandering around in a daze. So, Hayden’s sister tricks her into getting into the back of the cop car and arrests her for murder. Of course, she doesn’t read Kira her Miranda rights, so the arrest is totally invalid. But hey, at least they got the police code right. It’s 187 for homicide, like that 50 Cent song!

Kira’s dad confesses to the murder in Kira’s place, even though he totally thinks his daughter is a psycho fox killer, who will most definitely strike again. This makes him a good dad (better than Stiles’ dad!), but a bad member of society.

Meanwhile, over in the most unsanitary water treatment facility ever . . .

“Her condition worsens.”

The adorable Hayden and Liam are lying on matching operating tables, so that the Dredd Doctors can inject them with dirty water, and chop little pieces out of them for no logical reason. When the Dredd Doctors are done doing this, they leave the two teens on the dirty floor. They do this even though the operating tables aren’t in use, and it would make more sense to keep the teens on the tables, separated from one another, so they can’t (1) plot their escape; and (2) DIE FROM NASTY FLOOR INFECTIONS!

Liam tries to take Hayden’s pain from her by squeezing her hand in his own, but it doesn’t work, because his hands are not where Liam’s strength lies. (As we will find out, by the end of the episode, there are other parts of his body that are much stronger.)

Liam and Hayden are then taken to another room, where they meet another wuzzle, whose name is Zac, but whom, for purposes of convenience, I will call Exposition Chimera. Exposition Chimera helpfully tells Liam and Hayden that this is where the Dredd Doctors take all their failures, so they can morph into monsters, bleed silver, and then be subsequently murdered.

Exposition Chimera then shows Liam and Hayden his back, where he used to have wings, before the Dredd Doctors inexplicably chopped them off.   We know they used to be wings, because the Dredd Doctors are terrible at using scissors, and only cut off ¾ of the wings, so that two p*nis-like stubs can stick out of Exposition Chimera’s back.

Having given us all the information we need for this episode, which, honestly, isn’t much, Exposition Chimera starts bleeding silver, and is subsequently dragged away by the Dredd Doctors.

“Don’t worry,” Liam reassures Hayden. “Scott will save us before we bleed silver.”

“Scott?” Hayden inquires. “Isn’t that your loser friend who took a nap, while we got kidnapped, and has asthma, but needed you to growl at him so that he could remember how to use his inhaler?”

“Yeah, that’s him,” Liam responds.

“We are SOOO dying!” Hayden replies.

We Interrupt this Important Plot Point to Bring You Deputy Parrish (a.k.a your friendly neighborhood Naked Garbage Man), in a Towel . . .

You are welcome . . .

Reading is Fun. . . damental

Teen Wolf continues its war against literacy, when Kira angrily throws her Dredd Doctor book against the wall. “Mom, I’m supposed to read this book for Scott’s book club. But it’s a really sucky book with boring villains, so I can’t finish it. Also, I’m illiterate this season, because I’m dumb as a fox. Get it? Dumb as a fox? See, that was a clever play on a well-known saying the likes of which you’d never read in this crappy book,” Kira complains.

“You should read the book backwards then,” Kira’s mom offers.

“But then I won’t understand it,” Kira argues.

“Which is exactly how fans feel about this Dredd Doctor plot . . .” Kira’s mom notes wisely.

Kira reads the book backwards, and it causes her to remember that time in the premiere episode, when the Dredd Doctors experimented on her right in the middle of a traffic jam on Highway 115, in front of thousands of people, but nobody cared or tried to stop it, including her parents, because most drivers are selfish bastards.

We interrupt this important plot point to bring you the first initial of Stiles’ real name

It’s “M”. Even though a few seasons back it was “G”.

You are welcome . . .

Finding Liam

Desperate to locate Baby Wolf and Little Miss Baby Wolf, an increasingly desperate Scott rapes the back of chimera Corey’s neck to tap into his memories. Evil Theo watches him do this, and silently reminds himself to wear turtlenecks every day for the rest of the season . . .

Once Corey’s neck has been successfully impregnated, Scott draws what he was thinking about during the whole neck fondling incident. It looks a bit like this . . .

Just kidding. He draws the water plant! Scott, Malia and Mason immediately head there to find the baby wolves, while Theo continues to grill Corey on the information that was conveniently left out during the whole neck rape thing, like WHERE IN THE HUGE WATER PLANT CHIMERAS ARE ACTUALLY KEPT.

Long story short. Scott, Malia and Mason wander around the water plant aimlessly for hours, while Scott cries for his mother, and puffs on his inhaler. Then, Theo rescues both Baby Wolves in about the amount of time it takes someone to take a leak after they drank a small glass of soda . . .

In the car, on the way home, Liam the PLAYA has come up with another idea on how to remove Hayden’s pain. He’s going to do it with his p*nis! Just kidding . . . it’s with his tongue. But still. Smooth, Liam, very smooth!

Theo creepily watches the pair of baby wolves eating each others’ faces off in his rearview mirror, and contemplates canceling his internet porn subscription. Between this, and his front row seat to the neck raping earlier this episode, he’s totally covered in the sexual desires department.

A Naked Garbage Man’s Job is Never Done

Back at the morgue, Parrish successfully mists an entire police force to steal yet another body, and is back on the job before you can say, “These cops are terrible!”

Parrish acts so shady throughout the whole episode that it’s pretty much as if he’s wearing a t-shirt that says, “The Naked Garbage Man: Carrying Dead Bodies to a Tree without Wearing any Underwear Since Episode 2.”

“I knew I should never have smoked those twelve doobies before coming to work. So incredibly baked right now.”

But just in case you happen to be illiterate like Kira, he also leaves his nametag at the scene for Lydia to find.

“For most people, this would be a total dating dealbreaker,” Lydia explains. “But if you’ve met any of my previous boyfriends, you’d know that psychopathy, multiple personality disorder, and a generalized fear of wearing clothes are pretty much my three biggest turn-ons.”

Scott has a Major Case of the Sads

Good news, Kira’s dad fans . . . or should I say, the one person who really likes Kira’s dad . . . who is probably Kira’s mom? No dead body equals no murder, so the cops have to let him go.

Once this happens, Kira and her family decide to skip town, so that Kira won’t accidentally murder someone and leave her dead body on his boyfriend’s mom’s kitchen table. (I mean, obviously, she’ll keep murdering people, she’ll just leave them on kitchen tables that don’t belong to her boyfriend’s mom.)

Kira’s fox self has been hitting the steroids hard, since it first appeared on the show . . .

Kira says goodbye to Scott, and the Lord is so sad about this that he cries raindrops down on them from Heaven. I’m not talking one or two tears here either. This is some serious ugly-face cry, bawling that’s going on here.

We end the episode with Scott sitting in a closet, holding the leash of a dead dog. The pathetic scene is pretty much a metaphor for the character’s super crappy life right now.   “I am the worst True Alpha ever,” Scott mopes.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Mama McCall agrees. “Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to see if I can find Sheriff Stilinski on Tinder, so I can right swipe his ass all night long.”

I love Mama McCall! Until next time, Werebangers!

Scott versus The Paperback – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Required Reading”

Throughout the seasons of Teen Wolf, Scott McCall and his wolfpack have battled numerous formidable enemies . . . and the Alpha Pack, which was totally lame, obviously.  They have fought Evil Alphas, Kanaimas, Daraches, Berserkers, and a really grumpy-old man, always ultimately reigning victorious.

But now, Scott McCall must face down a new evil, one much more terrifying than all the rest.  And that evil is . .  . a paperback novel at a fourth-grade reading level!

As a recapper who regularly joked about the thinly-veiled illiteracy of Scott and his wolf pack, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel mildly vindicated by the fact that Jeff Davis and co made this into an actual plot point.  Let’s put it this way, of all the main characters in this series, the only one who was actually able to finish that crappy dimestore novel without taking a break for “naptime,” was the one who spent half her young life, eating roadkill and sh*tting in the woods . . .

But what really made Dredd Doctors: A Novel so horrifying, at least to our characters, was not that it was simply “too hard” for our heroes to comprehend (because it was!), it was the memories that attempting to read it brought to the surface of each of the main characters’ minds . . . (none of which actually had to do with the Dredd Doctors, like they were supposed to . . . but hey, why mess with a formula that works, in order to do something as silly as advance plot , right?)

That’s right Werebangers. “Required Reading” was this season’s “Motel California,” and “Party Guessed.” Like these two previous episodes, which, in my mind were two of the strongest in the series’ history, “Required Reading” utilized (though not quite as successfully as its predecessors) a mixture of hallucination and repressed memory to illuminate aspects of our characters’ (like Lydia and Stiles) psyche that wouldn’t necessarily be evident at first blush.

They also made Scott look like an even bigger doofus than usual. . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always a special thanks to Andre for all the awesome screencaps you see here.  Without them, this recap would probably as much fun to read as Dredd Doctors: A Novel .  . .]

Digging up those HOLES

The cops find eight holes dug up on the football field, and Sheriff Stilinski thinks they each represent new chimeras, i.e just enough freaks of the week for each new episode of this season.  “Though in some episodes, we will probably have to double up on freaks, so everyone on Team Chimera gets a chance to play,” the Sheriff Muses.

I, on the other hand, think Shia LeBeouff dug up those holes, as part of his juvenile delinquent sentence, after he was falsely accused of stealing some sneakers that fell on his head .. .

The Sheriff and Malia then helpfully recap our past freaks of the week, by literally X’ing out pictures of their faces with red marker a la Emily Thorne from Revenge.  Excluded from this board is that creepy black-faced guy from the premiere, because he is not an attractive Abercrombie-model looking teenager, and Teen Wolf, therefore, would like you to forget he existed.  Or, if not forget he existed, at least forget what he looked like . . .

Donovan is hot and young enough looking to be included in this list though!

Sheriff S wants to put an X over his nemesis’ face, but can’t because he hasn’t seen is corpse yet.  And he hasn’t seen his corpse yet, because our Friendly Neighborhood Naked Garbage man has already converted it to Evil Tree Fertilizer.  “Every horror movie ever has taught me that ‘no dead body’ equals ‘no dead teenager,” Sheriff S helpfully offers.

“That’s generally true, except for those situations where said dead teenager, gets made into a shishkabob by a falling ladder part, and his innards erupt into a puddle of grey goo,” mutters Stiles under his breath.

“What?”  Sheriff S and Malia ask.

“I said ‘I’m really hungry for shishkabobs, and I love you too,” replies Stiles.

Then Stiles pees in his pants, because his continued guilt over this asshat’s death is essential to the plot, even though it was totally done in self-defense, and if his dad had watched him do it, he probably would have cheered him on . . .

Briefly during this scene, the characters pose the question of what the chimeras have in common, that makes the Dredd Doctors seek them out, when they are still human.  My theory . . . they’ve all had organs removed  / transplanted.  But more on that in a bit . . .

Punch me if you are horny, baby

“Oh, I know, it hurts so good, baby! So good!”

Half naked, Parrish and Lydia, get hot and sweaty together to pop music under the guise of “jujitsu training.”  The lessons don’t go particularly well, because every time Parrish tries to disarm and take down Lydia, she feels the need to sigh amorously and nuzzle her head into his neck.  And he feels the need to take a break so he can sniff her hair and fondle her breasts.

Apparently, all this foreplay somehow managed to transform Lydia into the badass ninja we saw in the season opener.  I suspect this is because Parrish transferred his ninja powers to the banshee by infusing them into her boobs, while the two were getting to second base .  . .

Mid nipple tease, Lydia gets a Dredd Doctor flashback of some sort, which totally turns her off to future sex acts . . . er . . . I mean “martial arts training” with Parrish.

Don’t worry, Parrish.  I hear bursting into flames on top of a corpse encrusted evil tree is a great cure for blue balls . . . better than cold showers and a self-inflicted hand job, even!

Scott McCall’s Book Club for Kids Who Can’t Read Good

Scott’s entire Scooby Gang meet to read the Dredd Doctor book together, while laying on top of one another on the couch, because apparently reading is contact sport in Scott McCall’s world.  It’s also exhausting, obviously, because after reading exactly two pages a piece, everyone falls asleep.  I suspect this is because most of the crew’s idea of “reading” is doing this . . .

https://youtu.be/O35j9pKAmmo

(Kira, at least has an excuse, according to Mason, because foxes are like soooo illiterate.  Everyone else is just dumb and/or lazy.)

Once the group is safely comatose, Theo helpfully changes into his “I am Evil” t-shirt, grows a black mustache from his baby face, so he can twirl it malevolently, and creeps up to Kira’s bedroom, so he can leer over her for a few minutes like a child molester, and tape her sleep talking with his iPhone.

“Hey Scott,” Theo says to his new/old pal the next morning.  “You don’t know this, but while you were passed out last night after an excruciating  twenty minutes spent sounding out the word ‘Doctor,’ I went up to your girlfriend’s bedroom and dry humped her while she was unconscious.  Does that bother you at all?”

“No, should it?”  Scott inquires, clearly confused.

(Other things that confuse, Scott: sneakers that come with shoe-laces instead of Velcro, double-sided tape, and doors that have the word “Push” written on them, even though they have handles . . .)

“Cool, well, I also taped her pillow talk, and then typed what she said into Google Translate.  It turns out her and her fox costume want to murder us all!”

“Dude, you are so racist.  Not every phrase in Japanese automatically means, ‘I want to murder you all.  Only like 95 % of them do!’” Scott retorts.

“Did you hear me, Scott?  I said I found it on Google Translate.  And Google Translate never ever takes sentences out of context, or attributes to them American meanings that don’t jive with what they actually mean in other countries!”  Theo argues.

“Oh . . . well, in that case, I hate Kira now.  She is evil, and we are totally breaking up,” responds Scott.

“Then, you won’t mind if I have sex with her then, me being secretly evil, and really sh*tty at hiding it and all?  I think we’d be a good love match.”  Theo muses

“Didn’t you already have sex with her last night?”  Scott asks.

“No, we just dry humped . . .” Theo offers.

“OK then, be my guest,” replies Scott.

“Thanks, you are the best!” Theo responds, before heading off to the gym to corrupt and steal Stiles’ girlfriend too!

Obligatory Shirtless Scene in 3 . . . 2 . . .

In the school gym, Theo sees Malia coming to visit him, and quickly disrobes, so that he can hypnotize her into submission with his sexy man nipples.

“I think I’m supposed to be having a conversation with you about how I’m lying to my boyfriend about how my mom, the desert wolf, killed my adoptive mom, but I am too intoxicated by the smell of your man musk, and the way your pecs look covered in sweat to really concentrate on what’s being said in this scene,” says Malia.

“Mwah-hahahaha,” Theo laughs evilly, wishing he didn’t have to be naked for Malia, so he could put on his ‘I am Evil’ shirt again.  (How else will Teen Wolf fans realize this guy is up to no good, if they aren’t reminded of it every three seconds?)

That Will Teach You to Read Books!

Now is the part of the episode, where our main characters get punished for trying to be scholarly.  First up is Lydia.  While helping a fellow student, who she thinks is a chimera, but who actually just suffers from trichotillomania (Google it!) . . .

. .  she flashes back to a time when she accidentally walked into Eichen House to find her grandmother bleeding in a tub, after having supposedly drilled a hole in her own head.  (Though based on the scene where the Dredd Doctors threaten to do the exact same thing to Lydia, Poor Grandma might not be entirely responsible for her own mutilation.)

“They are coming for us, Lydia.  They are coming for us all,” Grandma warns ominously.

I guess it’s pretty obvious why someone would want to repress an effed up memory like that, am I right?  I mean, seeing your grandma naked?   YIKES!  But also the “hole in head” thing . . .

What’s interesting about this hallucination is that it actually tells us quite a bit about why Lydia might have subconsciously been hiding her own intelligence in the first season or so of the series.  We all assumed she did it to be popular.  But, perhaps, there was a part of Lydia that took her grandmother’s terrifying warning to mean that she should cover up those things that make her different from others (i.e. her genius IQ, her banshee powers, etc) at all costs, or risk being persecuted, or worse, hurt, for it . . .

Speaking of Lydia’s banshee powers, after hearing the name of Liam’s love interest chanted during one of her hallucinations, and seeing the gory operation done by the Dredd Doctors on this week’s nameless freak of the week, Lydia figures out that she is somehow able to tap into the memories of other chimeras.

So, Lydia inexplicably gets new powers every week that have absolutely nothing to do with her being a banshee, which makes her Super Girl, basically.

In other heartbreaking hallucination news, Stiles remembered a time when his mother, suffering from dementia caused by a brain tumor, tried to jump off a roof, because she was convinced that Stiles, who was only ten at the time, was trying to murder her.  She even attacked Stiles when he tried to confront her.

Up until this point, we’ve heard bits and pieces about Stiles’ mother’s illness and subsequent death, while getting hints that Stiles felt somehow guilty or responsible for it.  (A perfect example of this was his hallucination during “Party Guessed.”)  However, this is the first time all those pieces are finally put together.

Clearly, there’s a part of Stiles that subconsciously wonders if his mother was right . . . if there is something in Stiles that is inherently wrong or bad.  This part of Stiles may have been what made him such an easy target for possession by the Nogitsune.  It also may explain why Stiles is so wracked with guilt over the part he played in that dirtbag, Donovan’s, death . .  .

In Which Liam Appears to Be On a Completely Different Show Than Everyone Else . . .

While the rest of the cast is suffering from identity crises caused by violent hallucinations, Liam is making googly eyes at new love interest Hayden, while he practices lacrosse, and she inexplicably practices soccer two inches away from him, because, apparently, Beacon Hills High only has one sports field left, after the other one became infested with chimera birthing holes.  Isn’t that . . . like . . . dangerous . . . or something?

Speaking of dangerous?  I bet you all have been losing sleep at night wondering why Love Interest Hayden “hates” Liam.

You haven’t?  Well, too bad.  Because I’m going to tell you, anyway.  Apparently, Liam got into a fight with someone at school, tried to punch him, and accidentally punched Hayden, so her picture for the sixth grade year book was all jacked up.

Why does Mason still have Hayden’s sixth grade yearbook picture on his cell phone after all these years? That’s just weird . . .

I get it.  I mean, it’s totally understandable that Hayden would vow vengeance against Liam for life.  After all, your sixth grade yearbook photo is the most important photograph you will ever take in your entire life . . . aside from your wedding photo, and your graduation from high school photo, and your graduation from college photo, and your “I just had a baby” photo, and your EVERY PHOTO YOU’VE EVER TAKEN AFTER THE AGE OF TEN!

During this episode, we also learn why Hayden needs money so badly that she’s whoring herself out as a bar wench every night at the local gay club.  Apparently, she had a kidney transplant, and the medication she needs for it costs $200 a bottle, which she hopes to repay her sister, who is footing the bill.

So, Hayden is incredibly good at kicking balls, and vain, and poor.  “She must be a chimera,” Liam decides for no reason whatsoever, as he heads to the club to eye screw her some more and pay her back for knocking over her glow sticks a few episodes ago.

(Actually, Hayden’s kidney transplant might actually indicate that she’s a chimera, as evidenced by the fact that according to her sister, she’s suddenly no longer taking her medication, yet experiencing no ill effects from it . ..)

Also, there’s the little fact that Hayden’s eyes get all ghostlike under a blacklight . . .

Speaking of chimeras, we meet another one at Club Cinema.  (The Dredd Doctors must really like the gays.)  Did you catch him?  He was the one that complained to Hayden that his glo-stick burned out, then proceeded to effect the electricity of the entire town, by repeatedly eating electric wires, everywhere he went.

Dude! Just buy a flashlight, and be done with it . . .

We’ll talk more about this week’s Freak in a moment.

But first . . . we must talk about how much Scott sucked at life, this week . . .

True Alph-Failure

Sleeping on the job again . . .

While attempting to sign a drop form for his AP-Bio class, Scott, like Malia, Lydia and Stiles before her had a hallucination about a memory from his past.  In the memory, Scott was attacked by a pack of wolves (who murdered his dog, Roxy?) and it caused him to have his first asthma attack.

Unlike his friends’ hallucinations, Scott’s says nothing at all about his psyche.  It merely notes the irony that a wolf attack initially brought on Scott’s asthma, and a wolf bite cured him of it.

Did I say cured him of it?  Because, apparently, much like herpes, Scott’s asthma is back . . .

Immediately sensing through Pack Mind that his Wolf Daddy is having an asthma attack, despite the fact that Scott has never had an asthma attack in the entire time Liam has known him, Liam rushes to offer Scott an inhaler from a classmate.

Of course, Scott is too dumb to save his own life, so Liam has to go all wolfy on his ass to get him to take a puff in front of a ton of students, possibly blowing his cover as a werewolf in the process.

In other Scott fail news, at the hospital, a Dredd Doctor crushes Scott’s pilfered inhaler, and he proceeds to lay on the floor and take the abuse like a b*tch, forcing Malia and his own human mother to fight his battle for him . . .

“We should never have read that book,” Scott exclaims, as he is cowering in the corner of an elevator like a toddler.

Sure, Scott.  Blame “reading” for your problems . . .

Meanwhile, on a roof somewhere . . .

R.I.P. Electric Wire Eating Guy.  We barely knew ye . . .

If Scott is a failure at life, Stiles fails at luck.  I mean, the poor guy can’t even have a good old-fashioned traumatic hallucination from his past, without his life being put in danger once again.  Stiles awakens from the memory of his own mother attacking him to find Electric-Wire Eating guy doing the same thing.

Fortunately, Evil Theo arrives just in time to quickly and brutally murder Electric Wire Eating Guy, like it’s no big thing.  (Take note, Stiles!)  As we know, most werewolves eyes turn perma-blue after they commit a murder, but Theo’s stay gold, indicating that he might be a chimera as well.  “Don’t tell Scott about my chimera murder, and I won’t tell him about yours,” Theo promises Stiles.  “You can trust me.”

“But you are wearing an ‘I am Evil’ t-shirt, drinking blood and murdering a tiny puppy with your bare hands while we are having this conversation,” Stiles muses.

“Yeah, but I’m attractive,” responds Theo.  “And everyone knows that hot people are always honest.”

“Works for me,” replies Stiles, as he shakes the devil’s bloody paw.

And that was “Required Reading” in a nutshell.  Until next time, Werebangers!

Little Miss Kanaima Be Wrong – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Dreamcatchers”

“Heading to Old Navy. I hear they are having a sale on performance fleeces . . .”

If you’ve been watching Teen Wolf this season and thinking to yourself, “You know what this show needs?  More wuzzles!”

Than this is the episode for you!

Last week, the mysteriously appearing and disappearing at will, rain slicker and gas mask wearing “doctors” made a wuzzle out of sleepwalking Tracey.

This week, we got to see Wuzzle Tracey in action . . . also a new wuzzle was born .  . .

Also this week, on Teen Wolf, Malia learned to drive, a wuzzle prevented Papa Stilinski from being laid, Liam spent more time in a hole, someone took over Derek Hale’s role as most objectified male on the show, and something super gross came out of Tracey’s backside .  .  .

Let’s review, shall we?

Special thanks to Andre for all the spectacular screencaps you see here.

Mystery Date

He’s single, Ladies!  Nearly a week after removing his widower wedding ring, Papa Stilinski finally bit the bullet and made himself a Tinder profile.

RIGHT SWIPE!

But since there are only three women over the age of 30 still alive in Beacon Hills, his options are rather limited .  . .

Also limited for Sheriff Stilinski .  . . his free time.  There is nothing like planning a date twenty minutes after you’ve just finished receiving death threats from a prisoner you are having transported to lockup, to kill your boner dead . . .

Fortunately, Stiles is on hand to lighten the mood, instructing the death threat maker to try making the threat using a Christopher Walken voice instead.  Because even bad news is positively hilarious when its delivered by Christopher Walken.

Along for the ride with the non Christopher Walken sounding prisoner is now-Wuzzle Tracey’s dad, who also happens to be his lawyer.  “Hey, I don’t like Sheriff Stilinski either,” Tracey’s dad admits.  “He totally stole my best opportunity for a Tinder date.  This town is a complete sausage factory.  I’m really considering becoming a homosexual.”

We interrupt this commercial for Match.com to bring you TRACEY MURDERING EVERYONE, INCLUDING HER OWN DAD!

Only the prisoner, Donovan, manages to escape, which I would care more about if he was able to do a decent Christopher Walken voice, like Stiles suggested . .  .

The Wuzzle-Making Doctors find Donovan and stick a drill in his ear, because maybe he has really bad ear-wax build-up?

 Perhaps, with cleaner ears Donovan will be able to do better Christopher Walken impersonations when threatening Papa Stilinski.  And that would be a win-win for everyone . .  .

She Drives Me Crazy

As has already been established in previous episodes, Malia is terrible driver, who experiences PTSD panic attacks of the time she killed her adopted mom and sister in a car by coyote-ing out on them, every time she gets behind the wheel.

Because of this, Lydia and Kira decide it would be an absolutely fabulous idea to take her driving in the middle of the night on a dark public road, with no street signs, where the chance of her inadvertently murdering someone is at its absolute highest.

Supposedly smart Lydia is obviously not thinking clearly.  I blame ear-wax build-up.  Maybe she needs a cleaning from the Wuzzle making doctors, like Donovan got.

During the driving lesson, Lydia gets a feeling that someone has just been murdered, and instructs Malia to drive them to the crime scene, so she can run all the dead people over with her car . .  .

Just kidding.

This is when our trio of ladies come upon dead Tracey’s dad.  Ruh-roh!

Up above the scene, Creepy Theo is watching the scene, and looking creepy, while a blinking neon sign over his head saying “I’m the Bad Guy,” follows him wherever he goes . . .

Scott gets called to the scene to find the now missing Donovan, and does a backflip for no logical reason whatsoever.  (Perhaps, backflips help wolves to find criminals who are bad at doing Christopher Walken impressions, and have really clean ears.)

The Inner Circle

Back at the police station, Deputy Parrish notes that, in addition to killing her dad, and mortally wounding two officers, Tracey also killed her shrink.  “I’ll call Scott,” responds Sheriff Stilinski.

“Hey, did you ever notice that the teenagers solve all the crimes on this show, while us law enforcement folk stand around with our thumbs up our asses waiting to get murdered?” Parrish muses.

“Whatever, I have a date to get prep for,” responds Sheriff Stilinski.  “Go stick your thumb up your ass, your responsibilities for this episode are over.”

At school, after heeding the call from Sheriff Stilinski, the Scooby Gang hold a pow-wow regarding what they should do about Murderous Wuzzle Tracey.

“Hey, not that I’m one to judge girls who unwittingly kill their family members while in an animal state, but we should totally kill this b*tch,” offers Malia.

“We can’t .  . . there’s still 40 minutes left in this episode, and she’s pretty much all that happens during it.  If she croaks, we might as well all go home and play with our X-Boxes and/or jerk off,” explains Scott.

“Intense,” says Mason, about ten times during this conversation.

“Da f*&k is this guy?” Stiles wonders out loud.

“He’s you,” Liam offers.

“I’m a gay black teenager?”  Stiles inquires, clearly confused.

“He’ll become the new human / comic relief / heart of the show, after you become a big movie star, and stop wanting to hang out with us MTV teenyboppers,” Liam clarifies.

“Intense,” adds Mason.

“OK, but he’s gotta work on his vocabulary,” Stiles insists.

“Hodor . . . I am Groot .  . . Intense,” responds Mason.

“That’s a start,” Stiles offers.

Scratch and Sniff

Liam finds Wuzzle Tracey sitting in the back of his history class with really gnarly bare feet, and tells Scott using his wolfy telepathy.

Even though Tracey is a senior, is not supposed to be in Liam’s history class, and seriously looks like she is tweaked out on some heavy duty drugs, Kira’s dad doesn’t notice anything at all out of the ordinary . . . probably because he’s an adult, and pretty much all the adults on this show are morons.

“Hi I’m Liam’s love interest, and I’m new to the show.  You look like you are new too.  What’s your name?”  Liam’s love interest asks Tracey.

“Die,” responds Wuzzle Tracey, only she says it in Wuzzle language, so you can’t understand her.

“I can’t die.  I told you, I’m Liam’s love interest, which basically means I’ll be Kira in about two seasons,” Liam’s love interest explains.

“Fine,” relents Wuzzle Tracey. “Then, I’ll just scratch you, which is supposed to paralyze you, because, spoiler alert, I’m a kanaima, but will have no effect on you whatsoever, because you are something super natural, because as a rule Teen Wolf 2.0 can only have one human main character and that slot is already taken by Mason.”

“OK, just don’t scratch my face, or else Liam won’t think I’m pretty anymore.  He seems really shallow,” responds Liam’s love interest.

Then, Wuzzle Tracey scratches the arm of Liam’s love interest, and passes out on the floor in a puddle of her own silver drool.  SO EMBARRASSING!

“Keep pulling gross sh*t like that, and you will never get a love interest on this show,” warns Liam’s love interest, as she rushes off to reapply her lipstick.

Scott carries Wuzzle Tracey to Deaton’s office for a veterinary examination, and Stiles and Malia come along for the ride.

“OK, she drooled grey stuff, which made her look ugly, so she’ll never have a love interest on this show, which makes her useless as a character by MTV standards.  Now can we kill her, pretty please?”  Malia begs.

“No, because there are still twenty minutes left in the episode, and it has no B plot.  So, we have to let us put all our lives in mortal danger first,” Scott insists.

“Twenty minutes, that’s not a lot of time,” explains Deaton.  “Why don’t I speed up the process, by locking you and Malia in this room using mountain ash, so you can’t escape her, and needlessly slicing into her spine under the guise of ‘research.’”

“Cutting into her spine?  Won’t that kill her, in a way that’s way more cruel and painful than the lethal injection I suggested?”  Malia asks.

(Clearly, Malia stole every other characters’ “smart pills” this week, because she’s the only one who seems to be having rational thoughts.)

“Possibly,” admits Deaton.  “Or it could result in a really gross special effect, where a lizard thing crawls through her back, turns into a tail and explodes through her butt, paralyzing us all in the process.”

“Intense,” offers Mason.

“You’re not even in this scene.  SHUT UP!” Scott, Stiles, Malia and Deaton shout out in unison.

Long story short, Wuzzle Tracey is apparently a kanaima a la Jackson, only she’s conveniently immune to mountain ash.  So, after her butt explodes into a tail and poops paralytic juice all over half the cast of Teen Wolf, she escapes.

Now, everyone is taking a nap on the floor of Deaton’s office.

“It’s all you, True Alpha,” Deaton offers.  “Go save the world from Wuzzle Tracey and her murderous paralytic tail poop.”

“Maybe later, I’m tired,” explains Scott.  “Malia can go.”

“On it,” replies Malia.  “I bet Tracey’s too busy murdering people, she hasn’t had time to shower since last week.  She must be ripe.   I’ll smell her from ten miles away.”

So Many Holes, So Little Time

Meanwhile, Liam and Mason go visit Buddah Werewolf / Playgirl Model Brett for no logical reason, other than to ogle his sexy man boobs.

“Intense,” Mason says, because what else would he say?

“I just remembered that I found a necklace that time I fell in a hole, and it was wuzzle Tracey’s.” Liam explains.  “I didn’t pick it up, because being inside a hole reminded me of my love interest . . . also the movie Holes starring Shia Lebeouf.”

Liam, Mason and Brett go off to find Liam’s hole, which isn’t nearly as much fun as it looks.

They end up finding a hole, but Wuzzle Tracey’s necklace isn’t inside, so it isn’t Liam’s.  It’s somebody else’s hole. How embarrassing.

Liam and Brett speculate that there are holes all over Beacon Hills and SOMEONE, aka the Doctors, are burying people in them . . . possibly after they turn them into Wuzzles.

(You know who isn’t in a hole?  Donovan.  He’s in jail, but now his eyes look like the drool coming out of Tracey’s mouth.  That must have been some serious ear cleaning he had.)

“Intense,” says Mason.

Somebody buy this guy a thesaurus, or at least a vowel.

Strike a Pose

After a quick breaking and entering to Tracey’s house, Lydia and Kira decide that kanaima Tracey is a homicidal somnambulist, who doesn’t know that her dream self is purposely targeting everyone who helps her . . . including Lydia’s mom . . . who is now on her date with Stiles’ dad.

(P.S. The actors are married in real life.)

At the same time, Malia smells stinky Wuzzle Tracey, and the whole cast, except for Stiles, Scott and Deaton, who are still napping, reconvene at the police station.

Wuzzle Tracey paralyzes some officers, from her perch on the ceiling of the police station, Sheriff Stilinski looks up and says, “What a cock block!”

Kira tries to battle Wuzzle Tracey with her samurai sword, but because she sucks at sword play, Wuzzle Tracey stabs Lydia with her tail.  Then Kira inexplicably becomes the red Powerpuff girl and strikes model poses for what seems like ten minutes, before slicing off Wuzzle Tracey’s tail.

Tracey hates Powerpuff Girls, so she decides to blow this popsicle stand, dragging Mama Martin to the basement of the police station with her.

Malia follows after Wuzzle Tracey to have a staring contest with her.  This is smart plan because everyone knows that homicidal somnambulists suck at staring contests.  “I bet you wish you were dreaming still, but you aren’t and your life really sucks, because you killed everyone who gives two sh*ts about you.  Also, you smell really bad, and can never be anyone’s love interest because you drooled silver and pooped paralytic juice on most of the men in the cast,” explains Malia to a no-longer Wuzzled Tracey.

“I wanna die,” Tracey thinks to herself, because, wouldn’t you, if this was your life?

“That can be arranged,” says the Doctors, who lethally inject Tracey, while a frustrated Malia looks on.

“Seriously?  You couldn’t have done that 40 minutes ago, before I became emotionally invested?”  Malia complains.

Then, the Doctors disappear, because they know they have absolutely no chance to win a staring contest against Malia.

And that was “Dreamcatcher” in a nutshell.

Next week on Teen Wolf  . . . more Wuzzles, and Mason will say “intense” at least 27 times.

See ya then!

Weddings are the Worst – Game of Thrones “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken” Recap

WOW, George R.R. Martin must REALLY HATE marriage. (My apologies to his current wife, who I am sure is lovely.) Think about it. So far on GOT, we have had six weddings. One of them was red . . .

One of them was purple . . .

One of them ended with the blushing bride taking a flying solo honeymoon out of a moon door.

Sansa’s first marriage to Tyrion Lannister, though filled with great booze, wasn’t exactly a joy to behold either.

The fact that GOT’s “best” wedding was a marriage that could almost literally be considered a cradle robbing says something about the author’s views on holy matrimony.

This week, on Game of Thrones, the series’ war on weddings continues, when poor Sansa Stark experiences a wedding night so horrifying that, even if the producers didn’t thankfully fade to black after the first few seconds, most of us would have watched through our fingers anyway.

Also this week, Arya gets a promotion at Burgerless White Castle. Queen Margaery gets a major demotion. Bronn and Jamie play dress-up. And Tyrion and Jorah make some new friends with benefits, but, perhaps, not the kind of benefits they were hoping for.

Let’s review, shall we?

Two Truths and a Lie

When we last left the Artist Formerly Known as Arya Stark, she was scrubbing the naughty bits of some dead naked guy. When we meet up with her again, she’s still doing it. (He must have been REALLY dirty!)

“What’s up with all the creepy corpse washing we do?” Arya asks her new frenemy and fellow scrubber of dead nudists. “Is there like a Dead People Beauty Pageant in Burgerless White Castle that I should know about?”

Arya’s coworker at Burgerless White Castle, the highly unpleaseant Frenemy, is so very unwilling to give up the details about the Corpse Top Model reality show going on behind the Secret Door, she slams said door in poor Arya’s face, when the youngest Stark sister tries to get a peek.

In an effort to distract Arya from what a thankless, sh*t job it is working for Burgerless White Castle, Frenemy then decides to play a game with her colleague, which reminds me a bit of the game Two Truths and a Lie. In the game, Frenemy tells Arya this sob story about how she came to be a creepy corpse washer at Burgerless White Castle (something about an evil stepfather, I think?), and Arya has to determine which parts of the story are true, and which are fake.

“I have an androgynous haircut, just like you.”

(If this is what teenagers did for fun before the advent of technology, I can understand why the average life expectancy was so low. People were bored to death. Also, you know, murder, lack of modern medicine, poor nutrition and stuff. But mostly boredom.)

Later, Arya tries to play the same “fun” game with Jagen Hager, only this time, she’s the one telling the origin story, not Frenemy. Jagen, being Jagen, “generously” tries to make the game a bit more exciting and “high stakes” by punching Arya in the face whenever she lies, which is kind of rude, to be honest. Geez, Jagen! At least when the people who work at Burger-FULL White Castle get abused at work, they get free(or at least deeply discounted) bullet-hole ridden meat patties out of it. Arya gets bupkiss for her troubles! Just the opportunity to wash more smelly dead people. It’s not exactly a winning corporate bonus structure. (And for sure, Burgerless White Castle doesn’t offer a dental plan. Have you seen Jagen’s teeth?)

Given Jagen’s interpretation of Two Truths and a Lie, I’d be really frightened to see his take on other childhood classic games like Duck Duck Goose, Pin the Tail on the Donkey, and Simon Says. Something tells me his versions of those games involve regular and frequent ass kickings for Goose, the Donkey, and the person who didn’t listen to Simon’s instructions, respectively. Also they probably involve people talking like Yoda from Star Wars, because Jagen does that all the time. And I used to find it cool. But now I think it’s super annoying.

Still love Yoda though. Best dancer ever!

Later that day, Some Random Dad arrives at Burgerless White Castle with his dying daughter, and orders a cheeseburger with a side of fries. Just kidding, he orders the prompt death of his Terminal Disease Kid. “Would you like that homicide supersized, sir?” Arya inquires.

“Nah, just your standard mercy killing with a side of ketchup should be fine,” replies Some Random Dad.

Arya expertly murders Some Random Dad’s dying kid by claiming that, if she drinks the Instant Death Water from the Burgerless White Castle Fountain, it will heal all her pain. (She must really want to wash this girl’s corpse!) The young girl does as instructed.

“Dad wanted me to die at McDonalds instead, but I insisted on coming here after seeing the Harold and Kumar movie. That sh*t was awesome.”

Jagen is thrilled. (Such a Sadist, Jagen is!) So thrilled, in fact, that Arya gets to walk behind the Secret Door of Really Clean Corpses as her reward. Hooray!

Since I guess Braavos Next Top Corpse Model is on hiatus, all that Arya finds behind the door are a bunch of candles and some scary face masks, which may actually be real faces. How very Texas Chainsaw Massacre! While admiring one such face, Jagen tells Arya, that, even though she isn’t quite cool enough yet to be “no one,” she is currently cool enough to become someone else other than herself.

I hear the role of Donald Draper has recently become available, Arya . . .

Never Trust a Guy Whose Name is a Variation of Pinky

Meanwhile, over in Kings Landing, Littlefinger breaks the news to Cersei that (1) Sansa Stark is alive and well in Winterfell and set to marry that freak of nature, Ramsey Bolton; and (2) Stannis and his army are marching to Winterfell to murder the Boltons and take Winterfell for themselves. Two situations, which, coincidentally, Littlefinger has orchestrated himself.

But because playing god with three quarters of the cast of Game of Thrones is not nearly enough for this meddlesome Hand-y Man, Littlefinger makes Cersei an offer she can’t refuse. It involves Littlefinger sending his own army from the Vail to fight on behalf of the Lannisters, and taking Winterfell from whoever isn’t left dead of Roose and Stannis once they are done fighting. (Did YOU know Littlefinger had his own army? I didn’t know that.) In return, Littlefinger only asks that Cersei name him Warden of the North.

So to recap, Littlefinger has told Sansa that she will be Warden of the North, told Roose and Stannis each that they will be Warden of the North, and told Cersei that he will be warden of the North.

Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?

Speaking of shady . . .

The Trials and Tribulations of the Tyrells

Olenna Tyrell arrives in Kings Landing to throw some customary shade Cersei’s way, in hopes that she’ll shame Cersei for imprisoning Loras based on (1) his homosexuality, and (2) the fact that Loras doesn’t want to get into Cersei’s pants as much as her own brother does. “Everyone on this show who hasn’t already been brutally murdered, is pretty much gay,” Olena explains matter-of-factly to her granddaughter before entering into her verbal smackdown with the Queen Mother. “If the religious nutsos put all the gay people on this show in jail, GOT would become Orange is the New Black, basically.”

Unfortunately, it’s Cersei who has the last laugh, this time around. After waiting patiently while Loras admits under oath to Old Dirty Poo Smelling New Pope that he never “lied down” with another man, and Margaery swears to the truth of his statements, Loras’ erstwhile squire calls them both out as liars. He even goes as far as to describe a birthmark on Loras’ inner thigh, and to accuse Margaery of walking in on the couple in flagrante and not batting an eyelash. (Which, as we know, she most definitely did, in a way that was totally awesome, and most certainly did not deserve to be punished.) Margaery should only be punished for being the Most Popular Pedophile on the Show and nothing more. Because, aside from the whole pedophile thing, she’s positively lovely.

Boo Cersei! You are the worst! (Well, actually Ramsey is the worst. And Joffrey was the second worst. But you are a very close third.)

As both Margaery and Loras are dragged off to jail, Margaery calls to her prepubescent hubby, Tommen, for help. But he just stares off into space blankly, undoubtedly dreaming of all the pussy he’s going to get to play with now that his wife is no longer sharing his bed. I’m talking about his kittens, obviously. What did you think I was talking about?

Fun with Sand Snakes

Over in Dorne, Doran Martell hasn’t moved from his chair for about four weeks now (not even to go potty). I’m beginning to think he might have no legs. Book readers, is this true?

Meanwhile, young lovebirds, Myrcella Lannister and Trystane Martell ,are playing some serious tonsil hockey, and are super excited about their impending nuptials. It’s nice to know that some romance exists on this show that’s actually age appropriate, AND isn’t between two people who share DNA.

Speaking of romance, enter Jamie and Bronn, with their new groovy threads and super cool black stallions, to come rescue Myrcella from super sexy Spring Break Vacation Dorne, and return her to her rightful home in Smells Like Shit Kings Landing. Little Lannister Myrcella is understandably miffed by this idea.

Then, the Sand Snakes come to fight with Jamie and Bronn so THEY can kidnap Myrcella, except what they do looks must less like fighting and more like the cheesy line dancing you did at your cousin’s wedding last year.

Then Doran’s henchman, whose voice sounds eerily similar to James Earl Jones, rounds them all up and arrests them.

Because that’s just what this season needs, more characters in jail. Also, more cowbell . . .

Everything is better with cowbell.

In Which We Learn a Not-So-Little Dwarf Anatomy Lesson

Outside Valyria, Jorah and Tyrion get captured by a bunch of guys who think Tyrion’s weiner has magical powers, which is pretty much the most awesome compliment you could give Tyrion, when you think about it. (Maybe it’s like the hair on those troll dolls, where if you rub it enough, it brings you good luck. Though, admittedly, this trick most certainly did not work for Shea.)

“Should have gone with the four-leaf clover instead.”

The guys want to cut off Tyrion’s magical weiner, and carry it around like a lucky charm or rabbit’s foot, maybe even sell it for some serious cash. But Tyrion wisely explains to the men that his weiner is only worth something if people know it comes from a dwarf.

“We just assumed your Johnson was adorably, pint-sized like you,” says one of the guys.

“Actually, you should never judge a dwarf by the size of his dong . . . unless that dwarf is me, because my dong is massive,” Tyrion explains. “And I am awesome.”

Wait to go, Peter Dinklage! It’s not every day a male actor gets to admit to the television-watching world that he’s well endowed!

Anywhoo, Tyrion wisely convinces his would-be captors to keep his man bits intact, and not kill him and/or Jorah, by informing them that Jorah is a spectacular fighter. This gains Tyrion and Jorah passage to Mereen where they can battle in Dany’s recently-reopened fighting pits for cash and for the Mother of Dragon’s love, of course!

Well, Jorah will fight for cash and Dany’s love. Tyrion will just walk around town waving around his Magical Huge Cock.

Do you take this Psychopath to Be Your Lawfully Wedded Husband?

Wedding bells are ringing in the North, as Sansa suffers the indignity of being bathed by that bitch, Myrcella in preparation for her marriage to awful Ramsey. “Did you know that I help Ramsey kill all his former lovers, after he gets tired of porking them?” Myrcella notes conversationally.

“Wow, grow some self-respect, girlfriend. It’s clear your boyfriend is just not that into you, if he makes you wait around while he occasionally sticks his hot dog into others,” retorts naked Sansa.

It’s not even a nice looking hot dog. Kind of crooked, if you ask me.

It takes real balls to win a verbal smack down while in your birthday suit. And Sansa is going to need those balls for what’s about to happen next.

Dressed in her wedding finery, Sansa hears a knock at her door. It’s Theon / Reek ready and waiting to take her to her doom, er, I mean wedded bliss.

It’s fitting that the wedding takes place in the dark of night, and looks more like a funeral / ritual sacrifice than a happy occasion.

After the wedding, Sansa meets Super Scary Ramsey in his bedroom for her first official deflowering. (Too bad she doesn’t have Tyrion’s magical cock with her. It would come in extremely handy at a time like this.)

Ramsey, being a sadistic bastard, forces Theon/Reek to watch, as he savagely rips the back of Sansa’s dress, and violently enters her from the rear repeatedly. Her cries of anguish can be heard throughout the room, as the screen fades to black.

Unfortunately, there will be no mercy for Poor Sansa. At least not right now . . .

But if Joffrey’s death was any indication, something tells me the inevitable murder of Ramsey Bolton will be both absolutely disgusting and glorious to behold. No one messes with Darth Sansa Stark and lives to tell the tale.

Until next time . . .

How to Lose Friends and Alienate Mereeneese – A Recap of Game of Thrones “The House of Black and White”

“He definitely has my eyes. But I’m pretty sure he inherits his skin from his father’s side of the family.

While last week’s Game of Thrones premiere marked fans’ much awaited reunion with the beloved Sansa Stark and Jon Snow-sort-of-Stark, one surviving Stark child was woefully absent from the hour. Well, Bran and Rickon Stark were also technically absent. But, let’s be honest, no one really gives two shits about them. This week was Arya’s time to shine! And by shine, I mean “mope and look pissed off at the camera for fifty minutes, but also stumble upon some kind of cool adventures with old dudes.” Plus, girlfriend’s rockin a sassy new hairstyle . . . and you can’t go wrong with that.

Also this week on GOT, Jon Snow accidentally embarked on his political career. And he did so, in an unassuming “aw shucks” kind of way that would have made Francis Underwood from House of Cards hate his “brooding man-child turned Prom King of the Wall” guts. And finally, Dany learned that, even when you’ve managed to turn an entire city against you, if you are pretty enough, and have cool enough hair, you can still manage to get the “D” . . . and by D I mean “dragon lovin,” but also actual “D” from this guy . . .

Thus proving it’s damn good to be a Khaleesi! Let’s review shall we?

[Special thanks to my pal Andre for the kickass screencaps you see here.]

Arya Goes to Black andWhite Castle . . . But Doesn’t Order Hamburgers

While on a boat with some old guy whose name I didn’t catch, Arya realizes she’s arrived at Braavos, after she rides through some giant man’s legs. Yes, I recognize it was just a statue. But my inner twelve year old girl can’t help but giggle at the “sexual awakening” metaphor of it all.

“He creeps me out,” Arya admits of the giant well-endowed man she’s just ridden inadvertently gotten to hard third base with.

“Naw, he’s just welcoming you to town,” says the old guy, whose clearly no virgin to hearty “welcomes” of this sort.

Old Guy drops Arya off at the House of Black and White, which looks a bit like the Lincoln Memorial, but with these funky art deco black and white doors added on to the front. The doors remind me a bit that store, White House, Black Market . . . which I don’t like to frequent, because the people who work there, always make me feel like I’m Julia Roberts’ character at the beginning of Pretty Woman before Richard Gere gives her all his shopping money. I mean, if I want to buy a black tank top, I can get it at Old Navy for $10 bucks without the added emotional abuse. Just saying . . . Anywhoo . . . Arya knocks on the white and black door, and this old grumpy, vaguely homeless looking, black guy answers. “Hmm, vaguely homeless looking guys usually like change,” Arya thinks to herself, pulling out her much-prized Valor Morghulis coin as an offering.

Unfortunately for Arya, old grumpy, vaguely homeless looking,black guy is sooo not having the Valor Morghulis coin. He’s kind of like the homeless guy, you give your spare change to on the subway, while feeling all generous, kindly and Mother Theresa-like, only to have him throw it back in your face, because he expected a dollar at least. Long story short, the dude unceremoniously slams the white and black art-deco door in Arya’s face, and she’s understandably pretty miffed about it. Arya is so miffed, in fact, that she starts doing that name thing she does, where she lists all the people on the show she wants George R.R. Martin to murder in the book series. (Has no one thought to make this “name game” into a YouTube mix thingy yet? Because, they absolutely should.) What’s odd, and a little disappointing, is that the list is down to only three names, because half the people that were on this show in Season 1 have already croaked. So, basically, what we’ve learned from all this is that being on Arya’s List is pretty bad news for your longevity. So, if you are on there, you shouldn’t invest in anything long term. like green bananas. She’s pretty much the Anti-Santa Claus of Game of Thrones. If you are on Santa’s nice list you get a video game, or a bike on Christmas morning for your troubles. If you are on Arya’s list, you get a knife to your weiner while you are shitting on the john . . .

“You Can’t Sit with Us!”

If Game of Thrones was high school, Dark! Sansa would be the shy quiet freshman, who got a senior boyfriend (Littlefinger), and a makeover, causing her to morph into a popular girl / uber bitch, overnight. At some random bar, Brienne and Podrick are thrilled to find Sansa casually drinking ale with Littlefinger, like she owns the place. Brienne quickly rushes to swear her fealty to the much prized daughter of the ill-fated Eddard and Catelyn Stark. “I’ve been traveling the world looking for you,” explains Brienne. “Let me and Pod be your minions. And we will gladly beat the sh*t out of anyone who tries to get the world to remember that you used to be a ginger.”

“If me’ lady says the carpet matches the drapes, then the carpet matches the drapes, mmm-kay?”

“Seriously,” scoffs Littlefinger. “I know the fans of this show all love you, because you have this strange, reverse Beauty and the Beast, love-hate thing going with Jamie, but as a bodyguard? No offense, but you kind of suck. Remember that time when you vowed to protect Renly Baratheon, and he got murdered by a gust of smog? Or when you tried to protect Catelyn , and she got stabbed at her son’s wedding by these inbred ugly people?”

“All of this is true,” admits Brienne calmly. “But I still think I’d be better at protecting Sansa than you, a middle-aged, murderous pedophile, weirdly fixated on her mother.”

The Lady of Tarth then turns to look at Sansa, awaiting her final decision. “Yeah, I’m going to go with the middle-aged murderous pedophile, weirdly fixated on my mother,” Sansa replies. “I hope this doesn’t affect your vote for me for prom queen.” At which point, Brienne hightails it out of the bar on her horse, freeing all of Littlefinger’s men’s horses in her wake. Podrick rides faithfully behind her . . . way behind her.

Good ole Pod may be a stud with the ladies, but he’s sure a lame mare, about to be sent to the glue factory, when it comes to riding horses . . . or fighting . . . or forming complete sentences with his mouth.

Brienne, on the other hand, is a spectacular fighter, and quickly mortally dispatches of a number of Littlefinger’s Redshirts (steel shirts?) in a number of minutes. (If this was a modern-day show, a vaguely inspirational soundtrack would be playing in the background while she did this, Katy Perry’s Firework maybe, or perhaps, Megan Trainor’s “All About that Bass.”

“I’m going to leave them going, OW, OW, OW.”

All Hail, Jamie Fucking Lannister . . . and Bronn When a thinly veiled threat to young Myrcella Baratheon safety comes to Cersei Lannister all the way from Sunny Dorne, via the head of a snake carrying one of Myrcella’s price pieces of jewelry in its teeth, Cersei is outraged. In response, Jamie vows to the sister he sometimes screws and spawns with that he will most certainly save his secret incest daughter / “niece” from certain harm, even if it means traveling to Dorne and retrieving her himself. Of course, there’s the teensy weensy problem of that whole “one arm” thing. It’s hard to kick ass and take names, when one is incapable of completing even the most essential tasks . . . like, for example, clapping. Fortunately, Jamie has no intention of kicking ass and taking names alone. And so he seeks help from the same person Tyrion goes to when he is expected to kick ass and take names, despite, you know, being short, and stuff. It’s Bronn, of course. Jamie finds Bronn walking along the beach with a woman named Lollys, whose hand in marriage Cersei Lannister offered him as a thank you for his bravery in battle during a recent round of Game of Thrones. That’s one of the shitty things about being a woman during Game of Thrones era, your hand in marriage could be issued as a prize for good game performance, like a stuffed bear in a carnival game. Other bad things about being a lady during the Game of Thrones era include the whole toilet situation, and never being able to wear jeans . . .

“Jamie Fucking Lannister,” shouts out Bronn, upon seeing the Artist Formerly Known as Kingslayer (and really, when you think about it, Fucking is pretty much the most appropriately descriptive middle name for Jamie Lannister ever).

“Help me win back my secret incest daughter from Dorne, and I’ll let you marry someone way hotter and richer than Lollys . . . no offense Lollys,” Jamie proposes to Bronn.

Bronn agrees, because Dorne is pretty much the Cancun/ Cabo San Lucas of Game of Thrones. SPRING BREAK BABY! But also because Lollys = meh . . .

Sorry Lollys, better luck next “Be the first to pop a balloon in a clown’s mouth using a water pistol, win a wife.”

There will be Sand Snakes

Much like Emily Thorne on Revenge, Ellaria Sand of Dorne, is very much ready to pull out her Red Sharpie, and draw a murderous circle and, eventually, an X, on everyone indirectly involved in the violent death of her deceased lover Oberon Martell, including young prepubescent Myrcella whose only involvement in Oberon’s death is that she happens to have a last name that rhymes with “Bannister.”

“We do not mutilate young girls in Dorne,” exclaims Oberon’s sensible older brother, Doran. “Nor do we own Red Sharpie Markers, very tacky. Writing in one’s own blood is so much classier and less expensive.”

“You must be at least this tall to ride this ride, and or suffer a brutal torture ending in decapitation.”

“Yeah, whatever. We’ll see about that,” replies Ellaria, who jets off in search of her daughter’s, the Sand Snakes,   in hopes that they will not share Doran’s uptight, old fashioned, views about the whole “mutilation of tweens” thing.

“The Best Part of Her for the Best Part of Me.”

Growing bored and restless from his interminable travels with Varys, Tyrion tries out some of his best comedic material on his bald and ball-less friend. “Did you know that Cersei has offered her hand in marriage to the first man that brings her back my head on a platter?” Tyrion begins gamely. “My head for her cunt. The best part of her, for the best part of me.”

“People like you and me were never meant to be satisfied with life in a box,” Varys replies sagely.

“I don’t get it,” answers Tyrion, in frustration. “Does that mean you liked my joke, or you didn’t?” They keep riding, and nothing much else happens with them throughout the course of the hour.

I, for one, liked Tyrion’s head-for-cunt joke though!

Derek Zoolander Shireen Baratheon School for Kids Characters on the Show Who Can’t Read Good

In other non-essential to the plot news, Shireen Baratheon teaches Samwell’s new nagging sort-of wife Wildling to read, while the two girls casually gossip about greyscale, the disease that makes Shireen’s face look a little crumply on one side. “I had a sister with Greyscale once,” offers Gilly conversationally. “My parents thought she was a monster, and threw in an outhouse, where she lived for three weeks, screaming like a monster until she ate herself alive.” Thus, proving that you can teach a Wildling to “read good,” but you can’t teach them tact . . .

What a Girl Wants . . .

Back near the Lincoln Memorial with Fancy Doors   White Castle that doesn’t sell hamburgers House of Black and White, Arya goes shopping for groceries and gets into a tussle with some hoodlums, who want to take her precious sword away. But before Arya can add these dickwads names to her Anti-Santa list, grumpy old homeless looking black man comes by, and scares them all away. Intrigued, Arya follows grumpy old homeless-looking black man back to White Castle.

“Why were those guys afraid of you?” Arya asks, “Is it just because you are old, grumpy, and homeless looking?”

“Nope,” replies grumpy old homeless-looking black man, who takes off his face to reveal his true identity, which is . . . SURPRISE Jaqen Hagar! “Cool! Teach me how to do that,” replies Arya. “A girl must become no one,” replies Jaqen cryptically.

“OK, but that doesn’t explain how I rip off my face and become a grumpy old homeless looking black guy,” Arya replies.

But she follows Jaqen into the House of Black and White, anyway . . . Hopefully, he shares Doran Martell’s philosophy about not mutilating young girls, otherwise Arya is SCREWEEEEEDDDD!

Jon Snow – Prom King For Change

Back on the Wall, Stannis offers to recognize Jon Snow as a true Stark, son of recently decapitated Eddard Stark, and heir to Winterfell, if the long curly-haired man is willing to leave his post on the wall, and fight on Stannis’ side in the battle for the Iron Throne. (You can do that? Legitimize the birth of someone you are not at all related to, just by saying so? In that case, I am proud to announce I’m actually the daughter of Warren Buffet. Now, give me my money.)

Jon Snow thanks Stannis, but feels a lifelong obligation to remain on the Wall, where he is popular and, more importantly, alive. After all, everyone knows that carrying a name like Stark means certain death, unless you are a woman, or a boring character nobody likes like Bran . . .

Later on that day, Jon Snow attends a meeting where the men on the wall vote the most popular among them to be Commander . . . basically it’s a popularity contest like prom queen, only without the ladies, and the goofy corsages. During the nominations portion of the meeting, two old guys nominate to other popular old guys for the position. Because, apparently, on the Wall, being old, is the high school prom king equivalent of being the quarterback of the football team, and dating the head cheerleader.

Then, Samwell Tarly surprises everyone and nominates Jon Snow. “My buddy may not be old, but he’s super attractive, and popular with the ladies,” Samwell offers. “Also, the last time we had a battle, he didn’t pussy out, and hide in an outhouse with the pregnant women and babies.”

Since none of the men on the Wall have attended Shireen Baratheon’s School for Characters Who Can’t Read Good, filling out ballots for Wall Prom King is out of the question. So, the members of the Wall vote for their prom king by putting blocks on the stick representing the candidate they think is the most popular.

In the end, there’s a tie between Jon Snow and one of the other old guys. “I’ll break the tie,” offers the blind guy, who is heading up the proceedings. He places the winning block on Jon Snow’s stick. But who knows if that’s what he actually wanted to do, or if he was just making an educated guess . . .

“Eeny meeny miney mo, catch a prom king by the phallus.”

Long story short, Jon Snow wins Prom King, and, in doing so, gives up the chance to (1) be referred to as Jon Stark, (2) possibly be murdered in a brutal and disturbing fashion, mere episodes after the name change. All Hail, Jon Snow. Sorry, old dudes. But hey, winning Mr. Congeniality is nothing to sneeze at either . . .

In which, Dany loses a head, and gets back a dragon.

While Jon Snow is winning his popularity contest, Dany screws hers up in a major way, by making a political blunder that is so misguided, it makes Anthony Weiner’s sexting scandal look like a mere hiccup. It all starts when Daario and Greyworm find and arrest the dude that killed their balless friend last week.

Dany insists that the murderer receive a fair trial for his potential misdeeds. But then one of her young sycophants gets the grand idea to sneak into his jail cell and murder him, before he has a chance to do that. “I did it for you,” whines the sycophant, pathetically.

Dany’s advisors warn her against behaving rashly in response to this direct disregard of her authority, which was probably committed as a way to get into the Khaleesi’s royal bloomers anyway. “Don’t make your father’s mistakes,” sagely remarks one of these advisors.

“You mean, by becoming a doddering nutjob who talks to himself, cross dresses, and burns people alive for fun?” Dany inquires.

“No, by inflicting your own morals on your people, and not ruling them in harmony with their own value systems,” corrects the wizened advisor. Dany reminds everyone she’s a teenager, who is allergic to taking good advice, when she publiclly orders the beheading the sycophant for flouting her authority, despite the Mereenites outcries that she offer him mercy.

“Is it too late for me to speak to my lawyer?”

Even the former slaver/ upper class Mereenites, who, you would think, would support Dany for being an equal opportunity beheader, don’t seem particularly impressed. Then the formerly enslaved Mereenites start doing this weird hissing thing, like fans at a basketball game attempting to distract the opposing team from scoring points.

At this point, I was very confused. Were they hissing at Dany? The former slaver Mereenites?   The beheaded sycophant? Dany’s sexy boyfriend Daario?

“Nahhhh.”

Then, the former slaver Mereenites and formerly enslaved Mereenites start kicking one another’s ass, and it all becomes clear to me.  So, much for unifying the people of Mereen, Dany. Perhaps, you are better off sticking to what you are good at, conquering, and having your dragons blow up sh*t, and leave the actual ruling to someone else . . . for now, anyway. Speaking of dragons, Dany’s favorite eldest scaly son stops by for a quick visit with mom, before heading back on his quest to burn down the world . . .

“I just wanted to come back, and tell you how much fun I’ve been having on my world travels . . . so much fun, in fact, that you are technically the Grandmother of Dragons, now.”

He’s like a college kid, popping home for a solid meal and clean laundry, before returning to campus for a kickass keggar, basically. But mother Dany doesn’t mind being used in the least. Instead, she takes comfort in the reminder that, even when the entire human world is giving her a big fat middle finger, she will always be the Mother of Dragons.

And that was “House of Black and White” in a nutshell. See ya next time, folks!

Bad Girls Club – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Darkness on the Edge of Town”

Who’s the evilest of them all? Three new contenders for the crown arrive in Storybrooke, but the true winner is someone you’d never expect…unless you saw the promos

And They All Lived Crappily Ever After – A Recap of Galavant’s Episodes 7 and 8

It seems like only yesterday (because it more or less was) that we first met Galavant (a singing, pungent-smelling, chicken-loving hero, who looked his absolute best when naked and wet and/or wearing hoodies).

Since then, we’ve ventured with him on a four-week journey to win back the heart of the b*tch he inexplicably loved, and rescue an obscure, sparsely populated kingdom from the clutches of an “Evil” King who was supposed to be The Worst but was actually The Best.

And now here we are at the stunning conclusion of a show that will very likely not be renewed, given its fairly abysmal ratings and the fact that ABC had the genius idea to air its second episode opposite the Golden Globes . . .

But hey, at least we’re guaranteed to get a happy ending right?

OK . . . well, not like a totally happy ending (they need to save some conflict for the rare chance we actually get a Season 2), but some things will surely work out for the best, won’t they?

Like the mutually attractive Galavant and Princess Lots-of-Last-Names will get to begin their courtship in earnest ?

Orrrr . . . Gareth and King Evil Dick will belatedly admit their love for one another and rule their glorious kingdom side by side?

Umm . . . the odious Madalena will finally get what is coming to her?

Galavant will get to have his long-awaited Hero Moment?

Everybody will get to eat more chicken?

Well . . . one out of five ain’t bad! Let’s review shall we?

You can check out the rest of this recap here.