Three words. Ten letters. HOT . . . HATE . . . SEX.
This week, sexually frustrated Gossip Girl fans everywhere FINALLY got the vicarious release they’ve all been waiting for, since the Season 4 premiere.
There’s nothing like a little Birthday Sex, to kick off your twenties with a BANG!
So, now that we’ve all been . . . ahem . . . satisfied . . . let’s take a look back at how everything “went down,” shall we?
“Coffee is the thing you pay for, before you go have sex.”
Come on, Gossip Girl writers! How naive do you think WE ARE? A Celibate Serena? Talk about an Oxymoron! I mean that would be like a Classy Jenny . . .
. . . or an Interesting Vanessa . . .
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz . . . . Sorry. I just fell asleep looking at that picture . . .
Anyway, everyone KNOWS that Serena is absolutely incapable of withholding sex from a man. Might I remind you of the widespread panic that took over Manhattan a few weeks back, when Serena was thought to have an STD?
Nonetheless, this week, we are led to believe that Serena is preserving her
nonexistent“virtue” with Professor Colin . . .
. . . at least, until she completes his course in
Tantric Sex Psychology of Marketing. And so, the couple-supposedly-yet-to-“couple” meets each morning for “coffee and conversation.” However, since the only words Serena knows how to “converse” with end in “_uck,” “_crew,” and “_ang,” these sessions never seem to last more than a few minutes . . .
When Serena tells Blair about her hot and foamy rendezvous with Professor Sugar, No Cream, Queen B is “morally aghast” (as she is about once per episode) with her friend’s teacher-mounting ways . . .
“I am morally aghast!”
“Coffee is the thing you pay for, before you go and have sex,” lectures Blair (and she would know . . .).
Blair wisely instructs Serena that she should stop licking cream off her Studly Business Professor, if she cares at all about her education. Not liking Blair’s advice one bit, Serena (who’s obviously a MORON, and clearly has selective amnesia), seeks comfort from the girl trying to RUIN HER LIFE, Juliet . . .
“This is just too friggin EASY!”
Upon learning that Serena is “involved” with her professor, Juliet immediately recognizes an opportunity to bring about Blondie’s downfall. And so, Juliet “kindly” suggests to Serena that if the Professor is not getting his “cream and sugar” from Serena, he is most certainly getting it from somewhere else. As if on cue, Serena spies Colin escorting a rather attractive woman out of her cab, and into his house.
“I am so spitting this FOAM in your FACE, the next time I see you, Professor Scumbucket!”
A perturbed Serena stomps right up to Colin’s door, ready to catch him in the act. However, when she gets inside, Serena sees that the Professor’s “lady friend” is wearing an apron and carrying a broom.
“Oh, Professor! You are such a Dirty Boy! A nice sponge bath will clean you right up!”
Somehow, Colin manages to convince Serena that the lady currently “cleaning his clock” and “dusting his
balls trophies” is his housekeeper, and not his lover . . . Nonethless, Serena, recognizing the extent of her own jealousy (but not her idiocy), decides to put a stop to “Office Hours” and “Coffee Time” with Professor Maid Humper until the end of the semester.
And yet, avoiding Professor Stud Muffin will be easier said than done — especially when both he and Serena are scheduled to attend Blair’s 20th Birthday party, the following evening . . .
Speaking of things that are easier said than done . . .
“I guess this is goodbye.”
Not believing their friends Chuck and Blair to be capable of staying “true” to their “truce” on their own, Nate and Serena agree to put aside their own differences, and broker a “Peace Treaty” between the uncoupled- couple.
CHUCK: “In the spirit of peace, if you give me the Standard on weeknights, I will give you The Carlyle for the entire Christmas Season.”
BLAIR: “Done. But I want an addendum that you can’t bed hostesses from the roster of restaurants I frequent.”
While the words coming out of our hero’s and heroine’s mouths are pure business, their body language is a bit more . . . suggestive. Lips are licked. Collars are fidgeted with. Fingers are ran through hair. Legs are crossed and uncrossed. Necks and chins are stroked amorously.
Oh, yes, boys and girls! There is some SERIOUS sexual tension in the air! “There is just one last point to negotiate . . . in private. Attorneys, you are dismissed,” Blair says pointedly, throwing serious F*ck Me Eyes in Chuck’s direction.
(Photo provided by ChuckandBlairthePerfectPair – check them out for all the latest GG promos, stills, production intel and spoilers!)
Unfortunately, we don’t get to see what went on between Chuck and Blair during the last few moments of Treaty Negotiations. (I, personally, like to imagine them cementing the terms of their agreement, by screwing like bunnies . . .
. . . but that’s just me.)
The next time we see Chuck and Blair, they are leaving the “conference” and heading toward their respective limosines.
“I guess this is goodbye,” says Chuck, with more than a bit of uncertainty, as he extends his hand for Blair to shake.
Blair begins to reach for Chuck’s hand as well. Then, remembering the electric current of sexuality that coursed through her veins the LAST TIME she shook Chuck’s hand, she thinks better of it. “Let us not forget about Article 19. No touching,” concludes Blair, with a certainty she does not feel.
With a wistful look in eachother’s direction, the two slowly part from one another, and withdraw to their respective vehicles.
Meanwhile, in Dorky Dan Land . . .
Dan’s Lame Attempt at Vengeance #1
Poor Dan! He tries so hard to be one of the gang, with his snoozy relationship troubles, droll one-liners, and feeble attempts to be Bad Ass. And yet, he fails miserably every time.
Annoyed that last week’s rendezvous with Chuck andBlair has left Little J cowering in a trash can, like the Raccoon Zombie she is . . .
. . . and concerned that Jenny’s hermit-like tendencies will keep his father and stepmother from celebrating their first anniversary in style, Dan (with the help of Mini van der Woodsen) . . .
“Do you think, maybe, sometime this Season, someone can write me a storyline that’s not . . . you know . . . TOTALLY LAME?”
. . . develops a Dastardly Scheme of Revenge.
(And by “Dastardly” I mean, “Uninspired and Incredibly Stupid”)
Dan decides to . . . SEND A FAKE POST TO GOSSIP GIRL ABOUT BLAIR SUPPOSEDLY SLEEPING WITH JACK BASS, WHILE SUMMERING IN FRANCE!
Wait . . . that was it? That was the entire plan? Silly, Dan! Fake blasts to Gossip Girl are SO Season 1 . . .
Anyway, Dan hopes that Chuck will be SO MAD about this fake blast, that it will send him running right into the waiting arms of Jenny . . .
OK, first of all . . . EWWWW! And, second of all, wasn’t Jenny’s illicit relationship with Chuck what started all these problems, in the first place?
What ON EARTH would make Dan think that this was a good idea?
When Dan arrives at Chuck’s house, he is surprised to find Chuck having tea with . . . none other than Blair Waldorf, herself.
After weeks of seeing these two spar AGAINST one another, it was nice to see Blair and Chuck have a little fun together at Dorky Dan’s expense. As it turns out, Blair and Chuck recognized the blast as a fake immediately, and met up to revise their treaty to include additional terms, which would govern the pair, in the event that such fake blasts occurred in the future.
“Jack Bass wasn’t even in France this summer. He was in Chile,” Blair says nonchalantly.
Chuck pauses at this. “Wait . . . how did you know that?” He asks.
And yet, he recovers quickly, in an attempt to exhibit a unified front, in the face of a ridiculous enemy. “The intricacies of war games are too complex for a prole like you to fathom,” Chuck scoffs at Dorky Dan.
Blair, for her part, adds that she could care less what Dan’s Gothic Barbie sister does to try and undermine Chuck’s and Blair’s treaty.
I see a resemblance. Don’t you?
To prove just how much she doesn’t care about Jenny, Blair boldly invites Chuck to her birthday party, right in front of Dan. And Chuck agrees to attend.
Take THAT, Dan the Dipstick!
The Serena van der Woodsen Escort Service
While Dan is striking out with Chuck and Blair, Serena begins to worry that her plan to NOT screw Professor Sexy Pants will also fail miserably. Dumbbell Serena decides that Psycho Stalker Juliet would be the “ideal candidate” to act as her Professor Buffer (How dirty does that sound?) at Blair’s party. She, therefore, invites the little wench to attend the affair as her date.
However, when Nate finds out about Serena plan, he offers to be the Buffer between his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend. It is important to note that, in doing this, Nate is taking the place of his other ex-girlfriend, who was supposed to the Buffer originally, while attending the party of a third ex-girlfriend (Blair). AWKWARD!
“I treat my ladies like cowpoke at a Rodeo! Round em up. And keep em in line!”
“You aren’t fighting with Mr. Chuck. So, you fight with everybody else!’
If anyone really needs a Buffer, it’s Blair! The girl has been running around like a chicken without a head, ALL AFTERNOON! Poor Blair has been seriously fretting about her party, and whether it will allow her to make her mark in society, as a “powerful woman.”
Incredibly stressed out, and bursting with sexual energy — as a result of her recent heated encounters with Chuck — Blair is being a total BIATCH to all her poor lowly servants, including the loveable Dorota.
“What’s going on with me?” Blair asks her trusted friend (and slave) worriedly.
“You aren’t fighting with Mr. Chuck, so you are fighting with everybody else,” Dorota says decisively.
As it turns out, Blair would be better off using that pent-up energy to fight off Dorky Dan. The pathetic loser has just stolen a copy of Blair’s and Chuck’s treaty from the moronic Nate. Apparently, Nate the Nincompoop was dumb enough to leave the darn thing lying around, even though Chuck demanded it be “locked away in a safe . . .”
Sex, Lies, Videotape, and Family Members?
Blair isn’t the only one who is the subject of a revenge plot, this evening. When Serena ditched Juliet for Nate, the Psycho Stalker rounded up an “alternate” date to Blair’s birthday party: namely, Professor Screws-a-Lot.
While “distracting” Serena from the Professor, Nate spies him engaged in a heated conversation with Juliet. Nate then quickly becomes convinced that the Professor is two-timing Serena with his own ex-girlfriend.
When Nate confronts Juliet, she explains that Colin is her cousin, who has paid her way through school, and who she cares for deeply. In talking with Nate, Juliet comes to realize that Colin is the Professor that Serena is dating.
And we, as fans, come to realize that Colin might not be the manipulative scheming snake we originally thought he was, based on his suspicious conversations with Juliet last week. This also means that Colin might . . . gasp . . . actually like Serena for her PERSONALITY!
Juliet calls Brother Ben in jail again to break the news to him. (Seriously? How much phone time does this guy get? This must be the most LENIENT PRISON EVER!)
“Hey Juliet. Listen, I’ve gotta go. The strippers will be here any minute.”
Brother Ben who, oddly enough, looks like he’s lost a bit of hair, since last week’s episode (Comb over, much?), can clearly give two craps about whether Juliet’s screwing over Serena will, by extension, end up screwing over his own cousin. “Get proof [that she’s boinking our cousin], and get Serena expelled,” Brother Ben demands.
In the next scene, we see that Serena has received a note from Colin telling her to meet him upstairs. The couple rendezvous in her bedroom. Things get pretty hot and heavy up there. Personal space is invaded. Fingers lightly probe body parts. Eye F*cking occurs. Shockingly, it’s Serena that puts a stop to it.
“What the heck is this? Invasion of the Body Snatchers? Who is this girl and what has she done with the Real Serena?”
“We’ve already gone farther than we should have,” says Serena. “Old Me would have gone farther. New Me wants to wait.”
I knew it! I was right! Serena’s TOTALLY been body snatched . . . by some alien named NewMe!
Leaving Colin with a lingering goodbye kiss on the lips, Faux-Serena exits the bedroom, having, shockingly, never gone farther than first base with her new sweetheart. Juliet creepily watches the events unfold in the window, from outside and below
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to anybody, except Juliet (and maybe Brother Ben), a camera, which Juliet(?) has planted inside Serena’s bedroom, most certainly catches one Hot and Bothered Professor tending to these . . .
Dan’s Lame Attempt at Vengeance #2
After Mini van der Woodsen wisely backs out of Team Doofus, Dan telephones some random company that does “roasts” and invites them over to Blair’s party to exhibit a “very special video” in Blair’s honor. I was right there with Penelope and Blair’s minions, in hoping that Dan would embarrass Queen B in front of all those fancy people she invited to her party, by showing them something juicy like . . . say . . . a Chuck / Blair Sex Tape.
That would have been HOT!
I should have known not to overestimate Dan’s abilities at . . . well . . . doing anything. What he actually ended up showing was an old video of Blair drunkenly singing “Stand By Your Man,” in a rather humorous fake southern accent, while Chuck tried in vain to pull her off the stage.
Despite my thinking that the video was (though mildly humorous) pretty unexiting, in terms of blackmail material, Blair was actually quite mortified by it.
Apparently, the disavowal of this tape was the “extra” treaty term that Chuck and Blair had sent Serena and Nate away to discuss earlier in the episode. Blair rushes to turn off the video. In doing so, she inadvertently knocks over fashion designer Rachel Zoe, who somehow ends up on the floor, covered in chocolate fudge.
“I’m MELTING! I’m MELLLLTINNNNG!”
Mistakenly believing that Chuck was the only one who knew about the video, Blair immediately assumes that he is the one responsible. Interestingly enough, despite being enraged at, and extremely hurt by, Chuck, it is at this moment that Blair admits something very heartfelt to him. As it turns out, Blair only knew of Jack Bass’ whereabouts, because she had sent a private investigator to look for Chuck, while he was missing – despite he purported hatred for him during that time.
Chuck, understandably, seems touched by this admission. “I hate being at peace with you, but I didn’t do this. We have a Treaty,” he promises.
It is at this moment, that Dorky Dan, clearly proud of himself, comes clean about his “Dastardly Deeds.”
And honestly . . . no one really cares that much . . . well almost no one . . .
Rufus and Lily quickly put Dan in his place, calling him out for what a Douchebag he’s
always been become, since he’s started hanging with the Upper East Side Scooby Gang. Like Goth Barbie / Raccoon Zombie before him, Dan begins to feel guilty for having stooped to Chuck’s and Blair’s level . . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
And I just put myself to sleep typing that sentence . . .
AND FINALLY . . . THE GOOD STUFF!
After the party, a humiliated Blair has a heart-to-heart with her mother, about . . . who else . . . Chuck. “What I want is to be a powerful woman. But Chuck makes me feel like a weak little girl.”
I have to say, the often absent and dismissive Eleanor surprised me this week, by giving Blair some pretty sound (not to mention, uncharacteristically, Pro-Chuck) advice. “Sometimes you have to allow yourself to be weak, in order to become stronger. You don’t have to lose the girl, to become a woman,” Eleanor concludes.
Alone again and fortified by her mother’s encouraging words, Blair heads toward her bedroom. However, before she reaches the stairs, she encounters a familiar face in her entrance foyer . . . it’s CHUCK!
“I just wanted to let you know that the treaty is off,” Chuck begins.
“Good. The pretense of civility was exhausting,” Blair counters.
“We are not friends. We don’t have to like eachother,” offers Chuck, his brow furrowed, fists clenched.
“I’ll never like you either,” seethes Blair, moving closer to Chuck. “In fact, I hate you.”
“There’s a firery pit of hate inside of me, and it’s ready to explode,” counters Chuck, moving so close to Blair that their faces are almost touching.
Chuck then rips the treaty up right in front Blair. Blair watches wide eyed, as Chuck grabs on to her shoulder. He then yanks her closer to him, and . . . KISSES HER!
As music thunders in the background, Chuck and Blair start going at it, ferociously ripping one another’s clothes angrily, while hungrily probing eachothers’ bodies, and furiously making out. Then, the camera starts to do strange and trippy things (which I DID NOT LIKE — don’t mess with CB SEX, you MEAN OLD CAMERA MAN!),
In the final moments of the episode, Chuck pushes Blair up against a piano, and proceeds to “hatefully” screw her brains out. Man, I wishes someone “hated” me like that . . .
Tune in next week Chair fans, when, based on the promos, there will be PLENTY MORE where that came from!