OMG, Fangbangers! It’s Senior PROM TIME! Can you believe it? It seems like
a really, really LOOONNNNG time ago only yesterday, that our scrappy Mystic Fall-ians were just innocent sophomores trying to make it through history class, without getting eaten by the broody new kid . . .
. . . or his hot older brother . . .
. . . or those 50 or so random people that all seemed to move into the town at the same time, even though no one had ever seen them before. (Where were they living, all this time? In an underground tomb?)
TV Prom episodes are a lot prom itself, in the sense that people tend to have REALLY high expectations for them. They are meant to encapsulate the series’ high school experience in a way that is nostalgic, romantic . . . EPIC . . .
“Pictures of You” wasn’t really that type of TV prom. I mean, sure . . . the broad strokes were there . . . the pretty dresses . . .
. . . the cast mate who got crowned prom queen . . .
. . . a few sexually charged slow dances. . .
They had those past pictures of the cast appear on screen throughout the hour, which seemed designed to evoke nostalgia in the most literal sense possible . . .
Yet, I wouldn’t really describe this as a typical High School Prom Episode. And I think that has something to do with the fact that TVD isn’t actually a high school show.
Yes, yes, I recognize that it is technically a high school show, in the sense that the characters are supposedly of high school age. But Mystic Falls High isn’t really a character on TVD, in the way that Capeside High, Degrassi, Constance Prep, or Neptune High were characters in their respective shows. I suspect this has something to do with the fact that the students of Mystic Falls High never actually attend school, apart from the occasional decade dance, football game, or random gymnasium Klaus-mauling . . .
And this made it difficult for me, as a viewer, to care which lucky female won the title of Prom Queen
Caroline was totally robbed, by the way. , which couple shared its last romantic slow dance together, and which heretofore virginal young couple would be checking in to the hotel upstairs, for a little cherry popping action.
In essence, I experienced the Mystic Falls High Prom much as Evilena did . . . which is to say, more or less, emotion-free, apart from a strong inexplicable desire to murder Bonnie Bennett . . .
Now, don’t get me wrong, Fangbangers. This is not to say that I thought “Pictures of You” was a bad episode of TVD. It just wasn’t . . . you know . . . EPIC.
Let’s review, shall we?
Burning Up for Your Love
“I thought these sorts of dreams were supposed to be wet.”
In the episode’s cold open, Bonnie travels to the cemetery, inexplicably dressed in an intensely ugly Bill Cosby sweater . . .
WHY, WARDROBE DEPARTMENT, WHY????
At this point in the series, Elena Gilbert has so many dead family members and friends, that the town has thoughtfully gone and dedicated an entire cemetery just to them . . .
“I’m trying to Rest in Peace, but that loud sweater keeps waking me up!”
Usually it takes about a year to get a headstone on your grave. But Jer Bear got his in about two weeks! Niiiiiiice!
Bonnie is tearfully paying her respects, when, who should pop up, but the Man, the Myth, the Legend . . . Mini Gilbert himself!
OK, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t what Jeremy was wearing when he died . . .
Now, the hoodie I vaguely remember. But where did he get that jacket, Dead Guys R’ Us?
Strange Fact about Dead Jer . . . he has an accent now? Is that, like, something that happens to you in Heaven . . . you suddenly become British? Now, I get that this isn’t really Jeremy, but, rather, Silas’ incarnation of the dead teen. But no one else who Silas impersonated had an accent before. So, I’m kind of confused. Is Steven R. McQueen preparing for an upcoming role in Season 4 of Downton Abbey that I didn’t know about?
The Grantham Estate sure could use another wood chopper . . .
Anywhoo . . . JerBear tells Bonnie to “wake up.” At first, she assumes he’s being metaphorical. But it turns out the request is literal, as she opens her eyes to find her couch on fire. Stop smoking in bed, Bonnie!
Trust me, you don’t want to die on this show. You’re not a Gilbert, so you probably won’t get your own gravesite. They’ll likely end up just shoving your ashes in some old shoebox, like poor Grams . . .
Dress You Up in My Love
It’s PROM DAY! And everybody is getting ready. Actually, just Caroline and Bonnie are getting ready. Stefan and Damon are playing with their balls, while bitching about Evilena . . .
And Klaus, Elijah and Rebekah are having a family meeting . . .
“Hey, do you think they will let us take this house set with us to our Spinoff Series?”
As we all know from last week, Elijah now has The Cure. So, being the Good and Honorable Original Vamp he is, the Most Gentlemanly Mikaelson allows Rebekah and Klaus an opportunity to explain why each deserves it over the other. This makes Elijah kind of like King Solomon . . . you know, apart from the whole “cut the baby in half” thing . . .
“I once ate a baby. Does that count?”
Though both Originals make strong cases, ultimately Rebekah wins!
So Klaus, who has never been known for being a particularly gracious winner, tells Beks that when she dies, he will watch her suffer, and then compel her to forget him. How precious! I think I read that on a Hallmark card once . . .
I know this shouldn’t be hot, because they are related and all . . . but it kind of is . . .
However, Elijah’s offer of The Cure to Rebekah is not without strings. In a plot conceit that reminded me a bit of the kind of thing Rumpelstiltskin would do to his bevy of gullible Disney Princesses on Once Upon a Time . . .
. . . Elijah tells Beks that, in order to win The Cure, she has to prove that she can survive her entire Prom, without the use of any sort of vampire magic, whatsoever. You know, kind of like the rest of us saps had to endure our proms . . .
Fortunately for Beks, her new roommate and erstwhile Fairy Godmother Evilena is there to make sure she doesn’t f*&k things up, and lose her opportunity at humanity. Because, as we’ve all been told about 80 times this season, a human Rebekah means NO chance for a human Elena. And that’s precisely what Evilena wants . . .
There ain’t no party like a Humanity-Free Vampire Party!
In Prom Episodes, there’s always that awkward moment where Frenemies run into one another, while dress shopping. And “Pictures of You” is no exception . . .
Trying to eat your best friend will inevitably put a damper on any relationship . . .
It’s becoming a bit of a running joke on this show, that, whenever Evilena covets an item of clothing of someone else’s, she will inevitably end up wearing that item of clothing . . .
It happened with that random cheerleader’s ugly blue hair ribbon, and Katherine’s heels. So, now, of course, it’s going to happen with Caroline’s much beloved red prom dress . . .
Even if that means the writers have to conveniently remove the vervain from the town water supply, in order to make it happen . . . (Someone care to explain that one to me? Was it Silas?)
Of course, Caroline’s loss ends up being Klaus’ gain, because it forces Vampire Barbie to come to him, seeking fashion expertise . . .
Of course, Klaus always finds Caroline’s anger adorable, during the rare moments, when it’s not directed at him. And though it is a bit disturbing that Klaus seems to have a closet filled with women’s wear, cultivated solely for the purpose of lavishing a high schooler with gifts . . .
I couldn’t help but be touched by the fact that the Big Bad Original Vamp was willing to take time out from his busy day of World Domination and Silas Screwing to help Caroline cope with her Fashion Crisis. Also, that dress? SUPER HOT . . .
As another recapper mentioned, had this been a Typical Prom Episode, we would likely have been treated to a montage, during which Caroline tried on dresses for a bemused Klaus, possibly to the tune of Pretty Woman . . .
Instead, we got a sort-of montage of Silas trying on the faces of the entire cast. But more on that in just a bit . . .
Love the way you lie . . .
I don’t know about your prom, but mine was characterized by a lot of false niceness. People who had hated one another for four years, suddenly hugged and told one another they looked fabulous. Everybody smiled for the camera, and took pictures with people they would never have spoken to, let alone touched, otherwise.
Conversely, the Mystic Falls prom was pretty much characterized by everyone being an A$$HOLE . . .
April told Rebekah she didn’t get any votes for Prom Queen . . . NOT ONE!
Matt and Elena both told Rebekah she was a terrible person, who never did anything nice, and, therefore, would make a hideous human . . .
Elena told Damon she never really loved him . . .
She then admitted to Stefan that she felt nothing, while dancing with him, because she lacked any sort of heart capable of such feelings . . .
Elena told Matt he should have turned his emotions off, back when Vicki died . . .
She told Bonnie that she was just a Brainwashed Crazy Person, who couldn’t bring Jeremy back, and was pretty much a reminder of everything bad that ever happened to Elena . . .
(OK, that part was kind of true.)
Back at the Klaus House, Klaus told Elijah that — even though Elijah gave Klaus the one stake that could kill him, thereby ensuring he would NEVER DIE
at least not while his spinoff remained on the air and even though he is now his Only Living Brother . . .
. . . Klaus would still kill Elijah’s lover Katherine, pretty much just to be a dick . . .
In return, Elijah basically told Klaus he was a pathetic being with no life . . .
Personally, I think honesty is overrated. If any of you out there are about to hurt my feelings, because you feel that I “have a right to know the truth,” know that I’d prefer Sweet Little Lies, any day, and twice on Saturday. Thank you very much . . .
Speaking of blissful ignorance . . .
I’m Just a Killer for Your Love . . .
While Damon is drinking away the sorrows of (temporarily) lost love . . .
And Stefan and Caroline are reassuring one another that they will learn to love again, Bonnie is outside dancing with Faux Dead Jeremy, Who Now Inexplicably Has a British Accent . . .
By the way, what’s the deal with Silas always rubbing up on Bonnie? He did it as Shane. He’s doing it as Jeremy. He even talks about doing it, when he’s Stefan . . .
I get that Silas needs Bonnie to do his Apocalypse Spell or whatever (which, for the record, I thought was already done, after they killed those twelve witches). But this kind of seems like more than that. This seems like Evil Villain Puppy Love.
I thought Silas was all about that other chick . . . you know . . . the one he’s apparently trying to die for. But something tells me, that, when this is all over, Silas and Bonnie will have become the new Caroline and Klaus . . .
just in time for Klaus to get his own show. Just my prediction . . .
Anywhoo, Bonnie gets all pissed at JerBearSilas for tricking her for the umpteenth time, and starts making all the car alarms go off in the parking lot. This, I suspect, was supposed to make her appear “dangerous,” but actually seemed like a rather helpful trick. I HATE when I’m in a large parking lot, and I can’t find my car, because I’m too far away from it to use that clicker thingy. With Bonnie around, that wouldn’t be a problem . . .
In other Lost-Lovers-Sort-of-But-Not-Really United News, Klaus gave Tyler a ten-minute reprieve from his Eternity on the Run to share a single slow dance with Caroline on Prom Night . . .
OK, OK . . . now, I don’t want to sound like an old stick in the mud. I’m first and foremost a Forwood Fan. So, of course, I think Caroline’s and Tyler’s Slow Dance Reunion in her living room was lovely. All I’m saying is that, if I only had ten minutes to spend with the Love of My Life, before he went back to an Eternity on the Run, I wouldn’t spend it wearing so many layers of clothes, if you catch my drift . . .
Am I wrong? Speaking of wrong . . .
Love Hurts . . .
After Rebekah’s adorable dance with Matt . . .
. . . during which she tells the male bar wench that he’s “beautifully human” (which is sweet, in a sort of backhanded way, like being told you’re “refreshingly normal” or “not bad looking”)
. . . her chance to be human starts to gradually slip from her fingers. It all starts when Matt and Bonnie get crowned Prom King and Queen . . .
OK. Let me pause for a moment. Matt and Bonnie? What the WHAT?
OK, Matt as Prom King, I get. Everybody likes Matt. That appears to be his sole defining characteristic on this show, apart from his talent for cleaning tables, and asking people if they want fries with that . . .
But Bonnie? Since when did Bonnie become the most popular girl in school? Now, I’m not saying she was unpopular, per say. It just always seemed like Caroline was the girl involved in student council, Miss Mystic Falls, cheerleading, dance committee, and all other school activities . . .
. . . while Bonnie sat home and . . . lit candles with her mind.
When Bonnie was standing up there on that platform, part of me was expecting the pigs blood to fall down on her head, a la Stephen King’s Carrie . . .
But, instead Bonnie just almost got eaten by Elena, and proceeded to Mind Rape her . . .
Things start to get interesting, when Bonnie, after fighting with Elena, actually does start to do a little Stephen King Carrie homage, by making STRONG WINDS
(flatulence?) blow around the dance hall. Unfortunately, she leaves, before she can do any real damage . . .
My favorite part of the episode happens next . . .
Evilena may have no soul. But no one can say she’s not loyal. Think about it. How many friends of yours would be willing to eat a chick, just because she let you down . . .
Also, let’s face it. Annoying April had it coming . . . and not just because she didn’t let Rebekah be Prom Queen, despite the fact that girlfriend has been waiting 1,000 YEARS to go to a prom!
April just sucks . . . plain and simple. And she deserved to be Elena’s snack, because of it . . .
So, of course, Rebekah has to be all “good” and save her. even if it means breaking her Human for a Day pact with Elijah . . . just because Matt told her it was the “right thing to do”. . .
Things start to get a little crazy at this point. This is because for pretty much the last ten minutes of the episode, the writers decide to have SILAS PLAY EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER ON THE SHOW . . . It’s like a one-man production of Hamlet . . . if Hamlet was evil . . . and had magical powers.
Silas is Damon . . .
. . . leading Stefan into the woods, before promptly staking his ass.
Silas is Stefan . . . taunting Damon about the veracity of Elena’s feelings for him, before staking his ass . . .
Silas is Jeremy, for the 87th time this episode
(Jeremy seems to have more lines as a dead fake British guy, than he did when he was alive), telling Bonnie to “control her anger, and “dangerous” tendency to make wind and set off car alarms.
But most importantly, Silas is Rebekah, when he tells Elijah she “passed his test,” and promptly steals the cure from his hot little hands . . .
Oh Elijah . . . you really aren’t the smart brother, are you?
“That’s me! That’s me!”
Out in the parking lot, Elena tries to kill Bonnie again. And this time, Bonnie gets REALLY pissed off about it . . . as opposed to the slightly pissed off she was, the first time . . .
Elena (naturally) calls to Damon for help . . .
Once the pain threatening to blow apart her skull finally stops, Elena looks at her erstwhile lover. And there’s a brief moment between them that alludes to genuine feeling between them, not just on Damon’s side, but on Elena’s as well . . .
Upon seeing this, Damon and Stefan decide that the true route toward recapturing Elena’s humanity lies not in bombarding her with love, but in
sex with DAMON!!! cultivating her fear of death. I smell some hot torture scenes in our future . . .
We all know how much TVD enjoys those . . .
In the final scenes of the episode, Klaus obtains a cryptic message from Katherine, which sends him to
his spinoff New Orleans . . .
. . . while Bonnie encounters the REAL face of Silas, which is apparently disfigured, but probably only in that Sexy Ugly Way CW Stars are “disfigured.”
Next week on TVD, the much-awaited backdoor pilot of The Original makes its TV debut . . .
Are you psyched or skeptical, my dear Fangbangers?
See you next time!