Tag Archives: Aria and Noel

Please, wipe your feet, before entering the school – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “The Perfect Storm”

Hey, Emily and Lucas!  I want to show you something.  See this?  It’s called WATER!  You can use it to wash your SNEAKERS . . . you know, when they get DIRTY . . . and you have to go somewhere . . . IMPORTANT . . . like, say, an EXAM.

Tonight’s Pretty Little Liars installment didn’t really get us any closer to finding out who “A” was, or who killed Alison.  But it did provide us with motives for two brand new suspects.

Emily and Lucas

Granted, I don’t really think EITHER of these two “did it,” but it does serve to make things a bit more interesting . . . 

Oh, and you know what else?

IT’S ALIVE!

Yeah, so apparently, Dead Creepy Toby is not so much DEAD, after all.  Then again, I don’t think he “did it” either.  That would be way too easy!  He still scares the crap out of me though . . .

But I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here . . . So, strap on your muddy sneakers and, let’s backtrack a bit . . .

It’s S.A.T. Time!

When the episode opens, Spencer, Aria, and Hanna are studying for the S.A.Ts, which they will all be taking the next day.  They are also waiting for Emily, who is MIA.  Now, I’m not sure exactly how long its been since the writers of this show took their SAT’s.  But you would think that SOMEONE on the staff would have taken the test recently enough (like, say, sometime within the last 50 years) to know that studying vocab words with flashcards the night before the test isn’t really going to help.  The chances of a word on those cards ACTUALLY being on the test, are about as slim as the chances that Toby is actually “A” on this show . . .

“Hey Emily, do you, by chance, know a synonym for the word ‘psychopath?’

Nonetheless, I do have to thank ABC Family for the little vocab lesson I received tonight.  Before this episode, I didn’t know what “meretricious” meant (It means “deceitful”).  Now I do!  Yay, for educational television!

“Tonight’s episode is brought to you by the letter ‘A.”

So, the girls are studying.  Hanna is trying to convince Aria to get with Senor Bushy Eyebrows.  Spencer is gushing over Alex.  Blah, blah, blah . . . pretty boring stuff.  But then someone wonders out loud where Emily is . . .

“Well, I’m not out buying clean shoes to wear for the test, that’s for sure!”

Elsewhere, Emily dashes into her bedroom and locks the door.  She’s soaking wet and muddy from running in the rain.  She empties out the contents of her bag, and shoves them under her bed.  It’s hard to tell what’s in the bag, but we suspect it’s some pretty random and useless sh*t.

Case in point: THIS photograph.

Relieved that she has gotten away unnoticed, Emily slumps down on the bed, heaving a sigh of relief.  That is until her cell phone vibrates.  Hey, Emily!  You got a new text message!  Golly gee!  I wonder who it’s from?

The taunting text messages have returned! 

THAT was awkward . . .

“On the bright side, Mom, at least I’m not boning my sister’s fiance anymore!”

Sigh!

It’s now the day of the exam.  And the same storm that made Emily so wet the night before (ha ha ha) is still going strong — SO STRONG, in fact, that the exam might actually be canceled!

Oh, please no!  The S.A.T’s can’t be canceled NOW!  Not when I finally know what meretricious means!

Spencer’s mother, who we haven’t seen AT ALL since the series started, but is suddenly Miss Overbearing Mommy of the Year . . .

“Woo hoo!  SAG card here I come!  Wait .  . . what’s my daughter’s name again?”

. . . insists on escorting Spencer to the exam.  Once inside the high school, Mama Hastings immediately proceeds to raise hell to anyone who will listen, about the travesty of justice that will inevitably result, if her precious little daughter, Spencer, has to take a test IN THE RAIN!  (Heaven forbid!) 

Spencer . . . now THAT is a girl who would NEVER EVER be caught wearing dirty shoes to an exam.

“If my shoes were dirty, I wouldn’t be able to read the test answers I wrote on them, which, I conveniently stole from my sister’s laptop.”

As it turns out, Spencer’s new beau Not Wren Alex is also taking the S.A.T.’s at Spencer’s high school.  And her mom, may or may not have caught the couple cleaning eachother’s teeth with their tongues, right in the middle of the school hallway.  “Oh, you’re the [Ball] Boy from the [Country] Club,” says Spencer’s mom, with an expression on her face that looks like she just ate poop.

A face like that is generally not a good sign for you, Blue Ball Boy Alex . . .

Alex seems equally uncomfortable during the meeting, and Spencer, being Spencer, immediately assumes the worst.  “What did my mother say to you?”  Spencer demands.

 “I don’t want to talk about it,” replies Alex, in Typical Guy fashion, before basically blowing Spencer off . . .

Spencer doesn’t have too much time to ponder the meaning behind Alex’s sudden departure, however, because she is soon confronted by another moody man, one who looks a little long in the tooth to be taking his S.A.T’s . . . It’s Deputy Douchey of course!

Unfortunately, he had clothes on this time.

Deputy Douchey proceeds to tell Spencer and Co. what us Pretty Little Liar fans already knew.  “Somebody destroyed Alison’s memorial,” Douchey sneers.

Now, it’s Spencer’s turn to look like she just ate poop.  But Douchey’s not really interested in torturing Spencer today.  He has his sites on another Pretty Little Liar . . .

No, it’s not Hanna, although we’ve already established that Douchey secretly wants to get in HER pants . . .

“Moi?”

Douchey wants to know if Emily has seen Creepy Toby lately, who, as I mentioned, is not so much, dead, anymore.  Douchey suspects that Toby killed the memorial (and Ali?).  He also wonders out loud why Emily’s shoes look like someone took a giant dump on them. 

(Seriously?  WTF?  We all know Emily got home early enough the night before to wash her shoes, or AT LEAST change into another pair, before heading off to the exam.  Are we REALLY supposed to believe that the girl took the time to get dressed in a new outfit . . . and then put on those same nasty shoes . . . without bothering to so much as pat them with a sponge or paper towel?)

Fortunately for Emily, Spencer’s mother swoops in to halt the interrogation . . .

‘”I’m sorry, I thought you were my daughter . . . never mind.”

 . . . and the girls head together toward the library, to register for the exam.

Oh, yes!  Reading Great Expectations Makes Me SO HOT!

“Now I know why they call him Charles DICK-ens.”

The girls sit down together at the library to “study” some more . . .

If you look closely at this picture, you can tell that all the books they have open are completely blank . . .

It’s not long before Deputy Douchey comes to bug them again.  “Where were you all last night?”  Douchey demands.

“We were all together, studying,” pipes in Dirty Feet Emily, before any of her friends can contradict her.

“Of course, I’m not lying!  What on earth would give you that idea?”

After Deputy Douchey leaves, the girls confront Emily about her little fib.  She gets defensive.  “I’m going to the bathroom, but if you want to come with me, we can all try to squeeze into the same stall together!”  Emily quips.

“I’m serious.  I’d really like to see you girls in my bathroom stall.”

(Speaking of lesbians, was it just me, or was Emily WAY more interesting in this episode, without Snoozy Maya to bring her down?  Just saying . . .)

As soon as Emily leaves, Spencer gets a text from the suddenly way more prolific A.  “It seems like you girls lost Emily.  Who’s next?”  It says, more or less . . .

Emily gets a text from “A” too, hers makes reference to the Charles Dickens’ novel “Great Expectations,” which apparently the girls had read in English class the previous year . . .

First To Kill a Mockingbird, then Catcher in the Rye, then the Adventures of Tom Sawyer, now Great Expectations . . . We get it, ABC Family!   You want us to read the classics.  You can stop shoving old books down our throats, now . . .

Emily quickly finds the book in question, and pulls it from the shelf.  A few passages are highlighted, but we can’t really see what they are.  A letter falls out of the book addressed to Alison from Emily, herself.  Initially, I thought it was a “Love Letter,” but it actually ended up being a “You made out with me, and then rejected my ass.  I hate your guts, you Big Fat Turd” Letter.

Instantly, we flash back to a year earlier.  Emily and the surprisingly well-read Ali are in the library on the floor.  Ali waxes poetic about how beautiful and romantic Great Expectations was (Clearly, she and I didn’t read the same book.)  Then, Emily tells Ali about her dream that Blind Jenna got her sight back and was miraculously able to use a mirror to put on lipstick!

Look!  It’s a DREAM COME TRUE!

Ali then reads Emily some random passage from Great Expectations.  The reading gets them both so hot and bothered, that they start necking.

On to Flashback 2 . . . Now Emily and Ali are in a gym locker room.  Ali babbles on for a bit about how she would love to go to Paris so that she can eat croissants and shop, even though she could probably do both of those things at the mall down the street.  “Do you know any French families looking to house a nice girl from Pennsylvania?”  Ali asks Emily.

“Sure I do, but then who would YOU stay with?”  Emily replies, or at least that’s how she WOULD reply, if she had any backbone at all . . . which she doesn’t.

The picture Ali used in her application to become an exchange student in Paris.

Did I mention that Ali delivered this entire speech COMPLETELY naked?

(It might interest you to know that, unlike the other actresses on this show, most of whom are in their early 20s, Sasha Pieterse, the actress who plays Ali, is just 14-years old.  Skating on some thin ice there, ABC Fam!)

To further slut things up, Ali asks Emily to help her put her bra on, because she can’t do it herself.  (She must have really short arms.)  Emily complies, taking the request as an invitation to start kissing Ali on her lady parts.  “What are you doing?”  Ali seethes.  “I like boys on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays; Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I’m a total lezzie!  The only reason I would kiss you would be to practice for the real thing.  Take me home, b&tch!  You’re my ride!”  She says to Emily, more or less.

Hence the . . . “You made out with me, and then rejected my ass.  I hate your guts, you Big Fat Turd” Letter.

Emily gets so caught up pondering her Relationship Baggage, that she fails to notice that someone  has swooped in and taken her ACTUAL baggage.  Oh, did I forget to mention, that Emily was SO determined that people not find the Bad Stuff she took home in her bag the night before, that she  BROUGHT IT ALL TO SCHOOL WITH HER?

So, of course, who stole finds the bag, but THIS GUY . . .

Yes, I have CLOTHED pictures of him.  NO, I DON’T feel like using them . . .

Emily might as well have wrapped her guilt in a bow and handed it to Deputy D-bag (which is why we all know she is innocent, by the way – Emily is clearly not smart enough to be “A.”).  In addition to her muddy sneakers, Douchey presents to her: (1) pieces of the destroyed memorial, found in her bag; (2) the “You made out with me, and then rejected my ass.  I hate your guts, you Big Fat Turd” Letter; and (3) pictures of her sitting at the destroyed memorial around the time the crime purportedly occurred.

A tearful Emily explains to Deputy Douchey and the rest of the Pretty Little Liars that she came to the memorial to apologize to Ali for writing the above-referenced letter, and found the memorial already destroyed.  She took its pieces because they were the only ones still left in tact.  She also FINALLY comes out of the closet to her friends (aside from Hanna, who already knew about it).

But, just when it seems like Douchey may have enough evidence to build a case against Emily for Ali’s murder and/or the destruction of her memorial, who steps in to save the day YET AGAIN, but Spencer’s mom!

“Wait!  Are you sure this isn’t my kid?  Darn!”

Ball Boy Gets Lucky . . . Though Not in the Way Some of You Would Have Hoped . . .

Spencer’s Mom informs Douchey, in no uncertain terms, that he has crossed the line, by attempting to interrogate the Pretty Little Liars (all minors, by the way, without an adult present).  Impressed by her mom’s unusually helpful behavior, Spencer finally confronts her, and asks her what her deal is with Alex.

“I f&cked him.  He supported me during a difficult time,” she explains. 

As it turns out, Spencer’s mom had a lumpectomy, and dealt with it by (1) not telling her family about it; and (2) getting completely wasted at the Country Club.  Alex discretely kept her from suffering alcohol poisoning, and kept his word not to tell anyone about what happened.  In return for his good deeds, Alex is rewarded by getting Spencer’s mother’s blessing to date Spencer.  Spencer is so proud of her new boy toy she practically nails him right in the middle of the school hallway . . .

Part of me was kind of hoping they would start salsa dancing again.  They didn’t.

“If it were ME, I totally would have salsa danced with Spencer at school.  I’m just a spontaneous kind of guy!”

We know, Wren!  Oh boy, do we know!

Like Daughter, Like Mother . . .

“Turns out .  . . EVERYONE wants a piece of the white pasty stick legs!”

Still bummed out over her parent’s separation, and Fitzy’s disappearance, Aria . . .

 . . . tries to cheer herself up by taking part in an impromptu jam session with the guitar slinging (Did he take that thing to the S.A.T’s with him?  Seriously?) Bushy Eyebrows Noel.  He plays.  She sings.  (Some chaperones these kids have that NO ONE with any authority has any idea they are doing this!) 

Once Noel was finished playing, his eyebrows provided an encore performance.

 Like Emily and Ali, and their SUPER SEXY Great Expectations read along, Aria and Bushy Eyebrow Noel get swept up in their karaoke moment, and are about to kiss, when who magically appears?  THIS GUY!

But just when you think the clearly jealous Fitzy is going to fight for the woman he loves . . . he doesn’t.  El Wimpo merely reverts back to his same broken record mantra, of “You’re too young.  This will never work,” all the while, repeatedly telling Aria how much he still loves her.  (Talk about mixed messages!)

At the end of the episode, Aria reluctantly agrees both to go out on a “real date” with Bushy Eyebrows, and try to reconcile things with her mother, who she hasn’t been speaking with since her parents separated two weeks ago . . .

Speaking of Aria’s mother . . .

 . . . girlfriend was putting the moves on her daughter’s boyfriend Fitzy, pretty hard core this week, wasn’t she? 

Granted, she doesn’t KNOW it’s her boyfriend, yet, but still.  “If we were in a plane [in this storm], I’d totally be in your lap right now,” Aria’s Mommy explains seductively, while her and Fitzy search for food, during their tenure chaperoning the S.A.T. That Wasn’t.

“Is that an invitation?”

Aria’s mom also plies Fitzy for information about Aria — information that he doesn’t know, because he has been being a Total D-Bag, and ignoring her for weeks.  Nevertheless, I’m really glad that, ultimately, nothing happened between Fitzy and Mommy Montgomery, because that would just be too weird!

Since when did “faxing” become a euphemism for sex?

You know what else would be weird?  A relationship between Aria’s dad . . .

Note: For purposes of this blog post, please pretend Hilary Swank is not in this picture . . .

 . . . and Hanna’s mom!

It all started (like any good porno would) with a blackout, and Aria’s dad coming to Hanna’s mom’s house to “fax something.”  (Ahem.)  The two flirt in the dark over candles and some wine.  They gripe about loneliness, and the trials and tribulations of “single parenthood.”  They make a date to meet up for dinner that weekend.  And then the lights go on . . .  and nothing happens  . . . thank goodness!  Because these two as a couple?  NOT cute!

And, finally, in Fabulous Hanna and Adorable Lucas News . . .

Lucas continues to sell Hanna’s stuff on EBay all through faux-exam day, eagerly tapping her on the shoulder to spread the good news, whenever one of her items is sold.  The two even have a bit of fun at the expense of Hanna’s RIDICULOUSLY AWFUL “friend” Mona, who, unknowingly BOUGHT one of Hanna’s bags.

Evil Mona sloughs it off.  “I meant to do that,” she explains.

But you can tell she’s defensive about the whole thing, seeing as she immediately remarks snidely on Hanna’s sensitive financial situation (“So, what, you’re poor now?”   She asks.) , as well as her newfound friendship with Lucas.  Evil Mona even goes as far as to tell Lucas to grow something that rhymes with WEENIS!

You don’t hear THAT on ABC Family every day!  Awesome Hanna sticks up for Adorable Lucas against Evil Mona, and Lucas is thrilled.  After the S.A.T’s are canceled and the storm has lifted, so that the students can finally leave the school, Lucas thanks Hanna profusely for her kindness.  “There’s nothing to thank.  We’re friends’ right, Geek?”  She remarks lovingly, before heading out of the school.

The normally unflappable Lucas’s face falls a bit, at the mention of the dreaded “f” word . . .  not that he wasn’t expecting it.  He calls after Hanna, we think, to come clean about his obvious romantic feelings toward her.  However, he ultimately loses his nerve. 

But WAS that what he wanted to say to Hanna, or did he have something else to confess?

In the last shot of the episode, we scroll downward to Lucas’ feet, which, like Emily’s, look like someone took a dump on them, even though he’s been at school FOR HOURS with nothing to do but wash the darn things . . .

Note the SKINNY JEANS!

Could ADORABLE LUCAS have destroyed Ali’s memorial?  After all, he DID admit to hating Ali for teasing him mercilessly, throughout her short life. But did Lucas hate Ali enough to KILL HER?  Could HE be the mysterious “A?”

I guess we will have to tune in to next week’s Season Finale to find out . . .

 [www.juliekushner.com]

 

 

 

 

 

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The Last 30 Seconds Was the Best Part! – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Please, Do Talk About Me When I’m Gone.”

“Hey!  Watch where you’re putting those hands, Jason Di-Grabby Fingers!  Who do you think we are, Toby and Jenna?  I’ll be watching you.” – A

Last night’s episode of Pretty Little Liars was unusually thinky and philosophical, wasn’t it?  In it, the girls discussed “deep” topics such as “immortality,” “aging,” and “leaving a legacy behind after death.”  I bet you didn’t realize you were watching such a SMART show, did you?

“These discussions are nice and all, but I was kind of hoping we’d get to discuss more important things:  like whether we like Fitzy’s new haircut!”

Yeah, see . . . here’s the thing.  Pretty Little Liars is not a show I watch for “deep thoughts.”  So, before I begin my recap, I have a little message for the writers.  In the future, less waxing poetic about the meaning of life, and MORE snarky messages from A / sex with inappropriately-aged men, OK?

Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself.

Glad we got that straightened out.   On with the recap . . .

Life’s a beach, and then you die . . .

“Does this insanely large ego, make me look fat?”

When the episode opens, our four main characters are making final preparations for Ali’s Memorial Service, which is set to occur that weekend.  They roll out this big scary-looking wooden box . . . the kind that always carries a ferocious tiger, or massive gorilla, in the cartoons.  Unfortunately, this box doesn’t contain anything so exciting . . . just this . . .

When the green packing noodles are the most interesting thing inside your box, you know you’ve made a bad purchase.

Despite this “Memorial Fountain” being hideously ugly, the girls marvel over its “sheer awesomeness.”  Aria ruminates a bit about how, long after everyone has forgotten SHE existed, Ali will still be remembered as “the dead girl who had the lame fountain named after her.”  Aria’s trying to be respectful of her long lost pal, but we all know she secretly wishes a monument could be erected in her honor – one that, for centuries to come, will be considered “home” by countless cigarette butts, gobs of drooly backwash, and piles of bird sh&t.

Aria’s Memorial Fountain

“That’s immortality, my darlings,” coos Spencer, in this weird whispery voice that kind of creeps me out.  Suddenly, we are flashed back to the previous summer.  The girls are hanging out at the local pool, looking pretty . . . except for Hanna, who’s wearing a t-shirt over her bathing suit . . . because she’s supposed to be FAT!  Apparently t-shirt = Really Huge Heifer in Pretty Little Liar’s world.

“Don’t look at me!  I’m hideous!”

Ever the philosopher, Flashback Aria wishes out loud that you could pick an age you want, and stay there forever.  Riiiiiiight!  Because 15-year olds ALWAYS worry constantly about growing old and aging.  You know what age I wanted to be when I was 15?   21 . . . so I could drink legally, without having to worry about my fake ID getting confiscated, and someone ratting me out to my Mom.

Fortunately, Ali has a FABULOUS solution to Aria’s wrinkle and cellulite worries.  Death! 

Hooray!

“Die young.  Leave a beautiful corpse,” Ali instructs Aria, as she relishes the thought of dying a mysterious death at an early age.  (Be careful what you wish for!)  “That’s immortality, my darlings,” Ali concludes, echoing Spencer’s earlier words.

Hey, Ali!  You know who ELSE is really into perpetual youth and immortality?  Evil Bloodsucking Vampires . . .

OK . . . OK.  I’m pretty sure this show ISN’T going in that direction.  But, COME ON!  Wouldn’t that be a fabulous idea for a spinoff?

The girls are shaken out of their respective reveries by a reminder that they will be meeting with Ali’s long lost older brother, Jason, the following morning, to run through the Service itinerary.  The crew take some time out of their busy Memorial preparations to diss on Ali’s Big Bro, wondering out loud how an Ivy League school could have possibly admitted a student like Jason, who listened to “LOUD MUSIC” and “DRESSED LIKE AN EMO!”

NO!  Not ELMO!  EMO!

That’s better!

And yet, when the girls reunite with Jason the following day, they find out, much to their surprise, that he isn’t EMO at all!  Instead, Jason is a Poor Man’s Ryan Phillippe, circa Cruel Intentions.

Same pouty lips.  Same “I just sucked on a lemon” face.  Still pretty hot though . . .

Jason is also kind of a D-bag.  Immediately upon arrival, he gives the girls an obnoxiously fake smile, and thanks them for all their hard work.  He then proceeds to subtly crap on everything they’ve done, and completely take over.  As if that isn’t bad enough, Jason adds a name to the list of Memorial Service Speakers.  Bet you can’t guess who?

 

WORSE!  Guess again  .  . .

Nope! 

Give up?  It’s  BLIND JENNA AND HER CANE OF DESTRUCTION!

 . . . which she’s mysteriously stopped using, since the pilot episode.  (NOW, how are we supposed to know when she’s coming?) 

The Return of Deputy Douchey

“I’m BAAACK!”

Apparently, Blind Jenna wasn’t the only one Jason contacted prior to returning to town.  He also got a hold of the one man on this show whose D-bag tendencies rival his own.  It’s Deputy Douchey!  Apparently, Jason is interested in re-opening the investigation into Alison’s murder, and is unhappy with the way the local PD has handled the matter, thus far.  So, of course, Deputy Douchey immediately starts nosing around Hanna again, who he CLEARY has some creepy crush on. 

Kudos to My New Favorite Character, Hanna, for calling Douchey out on his unethical (but strangely hot) shirtless behavior.  “Exactly what evidence were you planning to uncover wandering around my kitchen wearing nothing but a towel?”  She quips.

Funny, I think I once saw a porno that began with this exact same line . . .

All Aboard the Lanna Ship (a.k.a. Lucas and Hanna Together Forever)!

Awwww!  I SO heart them!

Speaking of Hanna, things just seem to keep going from bad to worse in her life.  When we first check in with her, she is complaining to her mother about the total embarrassment of having her credit card recently declined.  Hanna’s mother explains that the family has been experiencing financial difficulties.  “We’re a one paycheck family,”  she explains morosely.  “We can’t keep living a two paycheck life.”

By way of illustration, Hanna’s Mom opens the refrigerator, to show her just how bad things really are.  (Conveniently enough, if you want to see a “before” picture of Hanna’s Fridge, simply scroll up to Deputy Douchey’s picture, above!)

“Now, honey, I know, in the books, you are supposed to be ‘bullimic,’ but do you think you can switch to anorexic for a little while?  The ‘binge’ part of the ‘binge and purge’ cycle is just too pricey for us, right now.”

“Does this mean I have to go back to using the ‘Five Finger’ Discount, like I did in the Pilot Episode?”

But, guess what?  Despite the obvious stress she’s under, Hanna doesn’t go back to STEALING!

Why, you ask?  Because of THIS GUY!

While the Soon-To-Be Couple (Come on!  It is SO obvious!) are working together on formatting the School Yearbook, Lucas unwittingly suggests that Hanna sell some of her old (probably stolen, let’s be honest) designer things on eBay to make some extra cash.  Ever the helpful guy, Lucas is even willing to help her photograph the items and put them online.

Hanna makes a MINT!  And even though she happens to be with her Snoozy Current Boyfriend, Sean, when Lucas gives Hanna her earnings, the two clearly share a moment, during the monetary exchange.  (In yet another beach flashback, we see Ali making fun of Lucas and warning the Not-So-Hefty Hanna against hanging out with “losers.”  We can’t help but notice, that Hanna seemed partial to the Nerd Cutie, EVEN THEN!)

Ultimately, Hanna does the selfless thing, by using her eBay earnings, to buy groceries for her mother.  As if we couldn’t like this girl enough, already!

In Emily and Maya News . . .

Emily and Maya . . . . .  ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz

Oops!  Sorry!  I must have dozed off for a second there!  Emily and Maya went out on a date.  They went to see what looked like a creepy old horror movie.  It was VERY romantic, so they started to make out during it.  Yeah . . . that’s about it. 

 Oh, and Emily’s Dad is coming home from the Armed Services, which is exciting, I guess . . . Except, I never knew he was gone in the first place . . .  I imagine they probably mentioned it before on the show.  Maybe I was sleeping . . .

Aria Has a New Guy?

OK.  PLL, now you’re starting to make me MAD!  First, you have Spencer COMPLETELY forget about Wren, and jump instantly into the arms of the Ball Boy . . .

“Hey, when you HAVE balls, you might as well USE them .  . .”

. . . NOW you’ve got this random Noel dude, with big Bushy Caterpillar eyebrows, honing in on Fitzy’s girl?  WTF?

“You better watch out, NOEL!  I’ve got white pasty stick legs!  And I’m not afraid to use them on your face!”

To Aria’s credit, she’s not NEARLY as ho-ish as Spencer, and at least hesitates a bit, before “moving on” to a new man. 

Tired of Aria’s newfound mopey ways, Hanna decides to set her up on a double date.  You see, Lame-O Sean got four concert tickets.   Two of them will go to him and Hanna, of course.  But Sean’s friend, Noel has dibs on the third one, and HE would really like to take Aria as his date.  Recalling that Aria used to crush on Furry-Browed Noel,  Hanna tries to convince her friend to go out with them.  Aria initially declines, but ultimately, decides to go.

The problem is that Aria is still SERIOUSLY depressed about her parent’s separation and Fitzy’s sudden departure.  So, during the date, she acts like someone just killed her best friend.  (Oh  . . . wait . . . someone DID!)  Noel pulls Aria aside to ask what’s wrong, and, to all of our surprises, she opens up to him about her “ex boyfriend in Iceland” (a.k.a. Fitzy White Legs).  Noel sees Aria’s misery, and figures it’s the PERFECT opportunity to ask her whether the two of them can starting making out.   (Smooth move, Douche!)

Aria declines . . . but isn’t nearly as turned off by the randomness of the request as she should be.  Damn those hot boys with Wild Overgrown Eyebrows!  They get away with EVERYTHING!

And then there was Spencer . . .

Sigh!

Spencer was the only Pretty Little Liar who didn’t get any loving this week.  Instead, she was pretty much abused, accused, and berated throughout the entire episode.  First, Jenna informs her that during the last few months of her life, Ali didn’t TRUST Spencer.  Ali apparently told Jenna this, while visiting her in the hospital. 

Spencer later learns from Brother Jason that Ali told him all about the Jenna Thing.  Except, instead of admitting HER part in setting off the fireworks that blinded Jenna, Ali told Jason that SPENCER was the mastermind behind it all!

Spencer is understandably hurt, and more than a little freaked out, by these revelations.  Why would Ali say these things about her?  Apparently, Spencer and Ali weren’t seeing eye-to-eye during those last few months before she disappeared.  If this information gets out, will SPENCER become a suspect in Ali’s murder? 

Possibly, but she won’t be the first.  It was also revealed this week that Creepy Toby called Ali on the night she disappeared, and SOMEONE (either Ali or someone with Ali’s phone in hand) TOOK THE CALL!

“What?  Did you think they would just STOP talking about me on the show, just because I disappeared?  Who do you think I am?  Wren?”

Before the Memorial Service, Spencer receives yet another cryptic message from A.  “The Memorial Service is tomorrow.  Do it right.  I’ll be watching, just like Tom Sawyer.”

OK, ENOUGH with the High School English Literary References, PLL.  First To Kill a Mockingbird, then Catcher in the Rye, NOW The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.  We get it, Tom Sawyer attended his own funeral.  Ho, ho, ho.  So clever! 

Do you really expect me to believe that a girl as stuck up and shallow, as Ali would make this kind of reference in a threatening text message?  The Girl Who Never Met a Nerd She Couldn’t Abuse?  Even if she READ the book (unlikely), I highly doubt she’d admit to doing it.  Be reasonable, PLL Writers!

Remembering Ali

Here’s a scenario for you.  You have this “friend” who is total b&tch during her lifetime, but ends up dying this totally tragic, untimely death.

You have to give her eulogy.  What do you say?  Do you lie, and make up nice stuff about her, even though you know it’s not true.  Are you brutally honest, a la Jen Lindley eulogizing the sort of evil, but hilariously funny, Abby Morgan on Dawson’s Creek?

I WISH I could find that eulogy on YouTube so that I could show it to you.  It remains, for me, one of the most uncomfortable moments on television, EVER!

Or do you do something in between.  It seems, in this case, that the girls go for option three.  Spencer discusses how much Ali would love all the attention of a Memorial Service in her honor.  She also talks about how nice it was that she was able to constantly fight with Ali.  (Not a smart admission, Spencer, seeing as you’re already a suspect in her murder.) 

 Hanna talks about how Ali “challenged” her (i.e. relentlessly berated her for being a chubby dork, and made her feel like crap on a regular basis).  Emily and Aria say stuff too, but it is so boring and meaningless, that I can’t remember any of it. 

At some point, during the ceremony, the Ex-Boyfriend of Spencer’s sister Melissa shows up.

“I come bearing flowers!”

NO!  I’m not talking about Wren . . .

Her OTHER Ex-Boyfriend, Ian!

Played by the adorable Ryan Merriman, who, unfortunately, was wearing a shirt at the time.

No one can really figure out why he was there.  But I’m sure we will find out in coming weeks . . .

Then Blind Jenna gets up to speak . . .

Surprisingly, she is kind of nice too!  She speaks about Ali’s strength, which, I guess, like the rest of the “positive traits” mentioned at the service, could be interpreted as “bitchiness,” but, no matter.  At least she doesn’t say anything crazy, like “I KNOW WHO KILLED ALI!”

After the ceremony, Jason approaches the girls with a gift . . .

It is THAT UGLY ASS BRACELET with Alison’s name on it!  Supposedly, Alison was wearing it at the time of her death.  BUT WAIT!  The girls already HAVE that bracelet!  They found it in the woods during the second episode . . .

Huh?

This is when THE BEST PART OF THE EPISODE happens.  As the credit begin to roll, we look upon Alison’s Memorial fountain, surrounded by tiles, and covered with candles.  A figure in black approaches it.  He or she sits silently, observing the memorial for a few moments.  He or she then takes out a hatchet, and BASHES THE CRAP OUT OF IT!  It is SO AWESOME!  That scene makes the whole episode worthwhile, in my opinion! 

So much for “remembering Ali forever!”  They really should have went with Aria’s Memorial choice . . .

That’s all I’ve got for this episode.  According to ABC Family there is only ONE EPISODE LEFT before the Season Finale.  That’s CRAZY TALK!  That would mean the whole season was just TEN EPISODES long, and I know for a fact that the channel ordered 22 episodes!

Whatever the situation is, there’s a PLL hiatus coming up soon, which means the next two episodes should be ACTION-PACKED!  See you then!

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