The Scavenger Hunted – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ Summer Finale “Keep Your Friends Close”

“Afraid of driving alone at night?  Not sure what dangers may be in the store for you, just around the corner?  Put an inflatable Creepy Toby in your back seat TODAY, and drive in ‘comfort’ TOMORROW!”

WOAH!  Pretty Little Liars gave us quite the little twisty, turny Season Finale, didn’t they?  And talk about piling on the potential suspects!  At this point, ANYONE can be “A,” can’t they?  Heck, I could be “A!” But I’m not . . . (or am I?). 

In addition to keeping us guessing as to the identity of Ali’s killer, “Keep Your Friends Closer” also provided fans with a whole bunch of information about what (and WHO) Ali was doing, outside Spencer’s farm house, on the night she was murdered.  But no matter how much information we learned, everything seemed to keep leading us back to THIS GUY . . .

 . . . who I will hereinafter refer to as “Pedophile Ian.”  (You’ll understand why, soon enough . . .)

So, without further adieu, LET THE HUNT (and the scavenging) BEGIN!

My Super Schmucky Sweet 16!

When the episode begins, the girls each receive invitations from Mona the A**hole to attend a party, in honor of her being born 16 years prior.  (Perhaps, a Day of Mourning would be more appropriate?)  The girls reluctantly accept the invitiations.  However, (all except Hanna) plan on bailing on the b*tch.  That is, until they get a text message that reads, “Camp Mona is a scavenger hunt, and I’m the prize.  Come find me b*tches! – A” 

GAME ON!  Looks like our girls will be “glamping” after all.  (Whatever the heck that means!)

“Mirror, Mirror, on the wall.  Who’s the most annoying castmember of them all?   IT’S ME!”

Later, Mona the A**hole (who had WAY TOO MUCH screentime this week, if you ask me) arrives at Hanna’s house begging for handouts.  Apparently, having a spa party named after her wasn’t enough.  This b*tch wants a fancy dinner too.  Hanna tries to get out of it, because who the heck would want to spend time with this horrible troll she doesn’t have the money to pay for dinner.  But Hanna’s mom, who has overheard the exchange and feels super guilty about all the sacrifices her daughter is making, due to the family’s precarious financial situation, spots Hanna the only $100 bill in her wallet.

“Don’t sweat it, honey!  You can turn tricks to pay me back tomorrow!”

But when Hanna ends up canceling on Mona anyway, due to being stuck in the principal’s office (more on that later), her “Best Friend” turns on her completely, by (1) starting some rumor that Hanna got thin through liposuction; and (2) disinviting Hanna to her lame party.  OH THE HUMANITY!

But I really had my heart set on getting BLOWN (dry . . . in the Blow Room, of course). . .

Now, about that liposuction rumor . . . Mona claims she got a text about it from “A.”  Really?  Because it doesn’t seem like Hanna ever told Mona about “A.”  And if Mona doesn’t know who “A” is, why would she listen to “A” over Hanna?   Unless of course, MONA IS “A?”

“Does this mean we don’t have to go this lame ass party?”  Emily asks, hopefully, upon hearing about Hanna’s and Mona’s “messy breakup.”

But Hanna forces them to go, because she’s tired of “A’s” games, and she wants to “scavenge” her.  Besides, Hanna plans on crashing Camp Mona, so that SHE can hunt for “A” too  . . . 

(Please take Lucas with you, please take Lucas with you, please take . . .)

Hanna DIDN’T take Lucas to the party, nor did she take my OTHER fave Pretty Little Liar man . . .

(Not like she even knows Wren to take HIM, but still!)

 I can’t help but wonder, whether things would have ended up better for her, if she had brought company along  . . .

Move over Deputy Douchey!  You’ve Been Replaced (by the FBI . . .)

“So, I parade around your television screen half-naked, and THIS is the thanks I get!  I’m FIRED?   WTF!”

Once again, the Fabulous Four are called to the Principal’s office together, and once again, their meeting is “All About Ali.”

Apparently, in addition to terrorizing her classmates, reading the classics, and eating cute little puppies for lunch, Dead Ali was also quite the Child Porn Star, in her day! 

Observe Ali’s expert “O” Face!

But Ali’s hottest video, was the one made on the day of her death (which I guess makes it Snuff Porn?).  The video was sent to the Rosewood Police Department by an “Anonymous” party, the day before.  And it was the receipt of this video that forced the local rent-a-cops to come to the conclusion that they were out of their league, and that bigger guns were needed.  In the video, Ali is stripping out of a hideous green button-down sweater, and “making love” to the camera.  “I know you wanna kiss me,” she says seductively to her audience. 

Honestly, after seeing some of the places that mouth has been?  No, not really . . .

The girls confirm that the yellow dress Ali is wearing in the video is the one she wore on the night of her disappearance.  But the origins of that hideous green sweater remain a mystery.  Emily also notes that the place where the video was filmed has been creatively named “Kissing Rock.”  In return for this information, the FBI let the girls in on the fact that the still MIA Creepy Toby remains their primary murder suspect.

Later, a news broadcast on television informs the girls that a warrant has been issued for Creepy Toby’s arrest.  Apparently, the jacket Ali was wearing in her Child Porn Flick was Toby’s and the blood on it matched his blood. 

What?   Does this mean Ali and Toby “Sister F*&ker” Cavanaugh were SECRET LOVERS? 

How is that even possible?  Well . . . I KNOW how it’s possible . . . but . . . you get my drift.

Pedo Ian Rides (Everyone) Again . . .

“Why do I get the feeling, I’ve been here before?”

Remember early in this season, when Spencer met her sister’s fabulous then-fiance, Wren, and the two hit it off like perfect soulmates . . .

 . . . and started going at it like horny bunny rabbits?

(Well, I’m glad YOU do, because the writers of Pretty Little Liars certainly don’t seem to!)

But I digress .  . .  apparently, this wasn’t the FIRST time, Spencer swapped spit one of her sister’s men. 

From a flashback scene, we learn that Melissa’s then-boyfriend, Ian, used to help Spencer with her “hockey swing” (insert sexual euphemism here), and sometimes ended up helping her with her TONGUE- SWING . . .

The costume and lighting designers did a very nice job making Troian look younger in this scene.  Certainly closer to the 14 or 15 she was supposed to be in the flashback, than she is in real life.  But that only made her tryst with the 20-something Ian character more disturbing.

Hence, the nickname, Pedophile Ian.  (And don’t even get me started on his later romantic scenes with the ACTUAL 14-year old who plays, Ali, Sasha Pieterse . . .)

But if anything GOOD came from Pedo Ian’s unceremonious return to Rosewood, it was that it allowed Spencer to FINALLY attain forgiveness from her sister, Melissa, for singlehandedly ruining the latter’s upcoming nuptials . . .

Spencer even convinced Melissa to give Pedo Ian another chance, even though he had dumped her all those years prior.   (Then again, considering what happened at the end of this episode, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea.  But hey, if anyone can protect themselves from violent nutjobs, it’s Crazy Nanny Carrie from One Tree Hill!

Pedo Ian, consider yourself WARNED!

It’s EASY!  Like taking MONEY from Little Old Ladies!

There’s a special place in Hell reserved for people who bilk Grandmas out of their live savings.  And, from the looks of it Hanna’s mom is going there for sure!  It all started when Hanna’s mom, Ashley, started falling behind on her bills, as  a result of a difficult economy.  Cutbacks were made in Ashley’s life, and in the life of her daughter.  Fun Time in the Marin house was over.  No more caviar in the fridge . . .

  . . . no more douching . . .

or Deputy Douchey-ing . . .

No more inviting male prostitutes over for some “Afternoon Delight” . . .

In short, no more fun.  Unfortunately, for Hanna’s mom, all that cutting back may have come too little to late, because she had become delinquent on her mortgage payments, and her house was about to be foreclosed upon.

But don’t you count out Ashley just yet!  After all, she gave birth to Hanna, the best shoplifter in ALL of Rosewood!

Well .  . . except for that one time, when she got caught . . .

But, let me tell you, solid shoplifting genes like that?  They DON’T just appear out of nowhere.  Those are a BIRTHRIGHT!

For those of you who were always left wondering where exactly it was that Hanna’s mom worked, we finally got that answer in tonight’s episode.  She works at a bank.  A bank where little old ladies, who have NO relatives, receive gobs of money from other dead little old ladies, and leave hundreds of thousands of dollars of cold hard cash in a safety deposit box (Perish the thought of putting it in an ACTUAL savings account!), which they only visit once a year, after which, they conveniently forget to take back the deposit box keys.

So, of course, with “no other options,” Hanna’s mom absconds with the cash.  And she must work in a really bad neighborhood too!  Because, as she is driving away, this told wackjob creeper asks her for a ride.  Ashley firmly declines and guns it out of there like a Bat out of Hell.  I mean, look at the guy . . . wouldn’t you?

F*cking a Stranger in the Bar Bathroom may earn you an STD, but it also makes for a fabulous POEM!

Roses are Red,

Violets are Blue,

I have Genital Warts,

and, now, SO DO YOU!

Poor Aria!  Everytime she tries to get out from between Fitzy’s legs and begins to move on with her life, he pulls her back in.

“It’s my white, pasty stick legs!  They’re utterly irresisitible.”

Early in the episode, Aria is standing by her locker, trying to plan a first date with her new sort-of beau, Bushy Eyebrows Noel . . .

Bushy’s brilliant idea?  Stay at home and watch movies on TV.  Seriously Romeo?  For a FIRST date?  How old exactly do you think Aria is, 85?  Just because she DATES geriatrics, doesn’t mean she IS one!  As the two continue on their BORING conversation, a book conveniently falls out of Aria’s locker.  And, lo and behold, there is a note from “A” attached to it . . .

“Someone named A wants you to read page 22,” offers Noel, excitedly.  “You should TOTALLY do it.  Why not?  Be SPONTANEOUS!”  (Coincidentally, Noel’s idea of spontaneity is wearing black socks, instead of his usual white.)

Aria opens the book, which I presume is a school literary magazine, of some sort, to page 22.  Turns out, there’s a poem on that page .  . .  written by, who else . . . Ezra Fitz.

The poem is called B26, which, if I recall, represents the song playing on the jukebox in the bar where Aria and Fitzy first met, and later screwed, in the bar bathroom.  Ahhh, memories!  Apparently, for Fitzy, those couple of minutes spent with his back up against a dirty mirror, cheap soap running down his pant leg, toilet paper on his shoe, banging the living daylights out of some jailbait, was the single most romantic moment of his ENTIRE LIFE!  This was why he wrote a poem about it, and chose to publish it in the High School Literary Journal so everyone under the age of 18 could enjoy reading about his raunchy sexcapades.

When Aria reads the poem, she is absolutely infuriated by the mixed signals Fitzy has been sending her.  She rushes to his classroom to confront him.

Aria reams Fitzy a new one for claiming not to want anything to do with her, and then drafting this porny love poem about her for the entire student body to read.  Fitzy has very little to say in response.  And when, Aria tells Fitzy, loudly and in no uncertain terms, that she is through with him, who walks in?  THIS GUY . . .

It’s Bushy Eyebrows Noel!  And while Mr. Excitement, didn’t seem at all suspicious as to why “A” was telling Aria to read her English teacher’s poem, he totally seems clued in to the situation now.  And he looks PISSED!  It looks like Aria’s phantom “Boyfriend from Iceland” just got a whole lot closer to home.  To make matters worse, based on the portion of the conversation Noel heard, it totally seemed like Fitzy was making unwelcome advances toward Aria.  Yep, Bushy Eyebrows is TOTALLY going to rat Fitzy out to the PoPo for being a Baby Lover . . .

Creepy Toby:  Here TODAY, Gone to the Slammer, TOMORROW. . .

The FBI may be combing the town in search of Toby Cavanaugh, but apparently, they haven’t been looking in Emily’s car, because THAT’S where he is!  I never quite understood why, in these “sneak into the person’s car and scare them” scenes, the guy or girl always seem to wait in the backseat.  Because if it were me, I would be TOTALLY crouched down on the driver’s side. Then when he got into the car, I would grab his legs, and see how high I could get him to jump.  A total missed opportunity if you ask me.

As it turns out, Creepy Toby is stalking Emily because he wants to tell her HIS side of the story, you know the one he never got to tell her at prom because he was too busy crashing into glass, and she was too busy, falling on her face and being knocked unconscious.

“Good times.”

Emily takes Toby to a small secluded wooded area (REAL SMART, there girl!  Because someone will SURELY hear you, if you scream THERE!).  Toby then explains that Ali misunderstood his relationship with Blind Jenna.  She saw the siblings BONING . . .

 . . . and automatically assumed Blind Jenna was being raped.  But according to Toby, these two are IN LOVE . . . and not a brotherly- sisterly love, either.

And, NO, in case you were wondering, the fact that these two AREN’T related by blood doesn’t help me feel better about this situation AT ALL!

In terms of Alison, Toby explains that he DID meet her in front of Spencer’s barnhouse the night she disappeared, but only to talk to her.  And he gave her his sweater, to warm her up when she was cold.  The last Toby saw Ali, according to him, was when she was getting into the car with “some old dude.”  Despite telling Emily all this, Toby inexplicably would like to speak with her more, and tells her where he will be for next few hours, until he goes out on the lam again.  And it is in this exact spot where the coppers pick him up and arrest him.

Now, as you know, I’ve never exactly been Creepy Toby’s biggest fan, but, based on what we’ve seen in this episode, I think we could all pretty safely assume that HE is neither “A” nor Ali’s killer.  Therefore, you’ve got to feel bad for a guy who may very well have been wrongly accused.  And for that reason, I offer this to YOU, Young Cavanaugh . . .

(Special thanks go out to Amy over at Imaginarymen for providing me with the inspiration for the FABULOUS tee!)

In Other News . . .

Emily’s dad returned home from Iraq, today . . .

But her mother mysteriously received an envelope containing Emily’s “tonguing Maya” photos .  . .

And the look on her face upon reviewing them was none too pleased . . .

“I attended Camp Mona, and all I got were these damn skidmarks on my face!”

“Well, heck.  At least I didn’t have to get BLOWN, like Aria and Emily!”

“Oh stuff it, Half-Dead Hanna!  You WISH your hair was big enough to warrant its own zip code!”

Over at Mona’s self-indulgent bore of a birthday party (16-years old and no boys allowed?   SERIOUSLY?)  . . .

I’m thinking that the girl-to-guy ratio at this party might be a bit more Emily’s speed, than Aria and Slightly Slutty Spencer’s

 . . . Spencer, Aria and Emily, begin receiving clues from “A” for their “scavenger hunt”.  Their first hunch leads them to where they found Ali’s bracelet a few episodes back.

A’s not there.  But a “Jenna” necklace is.  (OK, so what’s the deal here?   Does EVERYBODY get an ugly fabric bracelet with their name on it?  Do I get one?   Seriously, it’s like Ali bought stock in the Ugly Bracelet Company before she died . . .)

Next to the ugly “Jenna” bracelet is a note from “A” informing the girls that they are in the wrong place.  (Well, DUH, A’s not here, so it HAS to be the wrong place!)  Spencer, however, who is clearly a bit wiser than I am, recognizes the double-meaning inherent in the world “Wrong.”  She ultimately determines that “A” is hiding in a place called “Wright’s Playground.” There, Spencer finds a heart etched into a tree saying “Alison loves Ian.” 

Meanwhile, Aria gets a text from Fitzy, in which he says he needs to see her.  He conveniently parks somewhere near Wright’s Playground (hmmmmm . . .  interesting).  Once Aria gets in the car, Fitzy tells her that he always loved her, and was looking for a job elsewhere so that he and she could be TOGETHER without fear of repercussion, NOT to run away from her, as Aria had initially suspected. 

However, when Fitzy caught Aria flirting with Bushy Eyebrows, he thought the high school GUY might be more appropriate for a high school girl.  Aria chastizes Fitzy for not recognizing the strength of her feelings for him.  Then the two engage in an encore of their infamous “Car Makeout Scene” from a few episodes back.

In a truly creepy scene, we see a ghostly figure looming over the back of the car, as Aria and Fitzy go at it, oblivious to the SCARY THING behind them.  Fortunately, that “thing” is not out to kill them, it is just out to leave a cute little love note on Fitzy’s car.   “I SEE YOU,” the oh, so, mature “A” writes on the back of the car, using the condensation from the window as her (or his) canvas.  Though genuinely frightening, the whole thing was also a bit cliche, and reminded me a bit too much of that very special scene from the film I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, where the killer took the same tired approach to scare its victims, as “A” did . . .

By this time, Hanna has successfully crashed the party . . .

She quickly locates Wright’s Playground, and hangs out nearby, waiting for something to happen.   Something DOES!  Hanna takes out her binoculars, and spies Aria and Fitzy making out inside the car.  Then she sees SOMETHING ELSE, and that SOMETHING ELSE may be the key in figuring out who A is.  It IS definitely the key for Hanna, who immediately texts Spencer that she knows “who A is.”  But, as Hanna is walking toward the girls, to spread the news, she is HIT BY A CAR, AND KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS!  She even stops BREATHING!

And where was Fitzy when all this was going down, you ask?

Who knows?  Perhaps, he was writing poetry about girls who get hit by cars, and the boys who love them .  . .

Sigh!  Poor Lucas!

The rest of the Pretty Little Liars instantly gather around Hanna, screaming, crying, and calling for an ambulance.  It was admittedly a highly emotional scene.  I was very moved.

As the credits roll, we are treated to the final portion of Ali’s Child Porn Star video, the portion which its author had apparently excised from the  copy he or she had sent it to the FBI.  At the end of the video, Ali turns the camera around to face her boyfriend who is doing the videotaping, and that boyfriend is THIS GUY . . .

And, here, you thought I was kidding about the whole “pedophile” thing .  . . 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]

Please, wipe your feet, before entering the school – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “The Perfect Storm”

Hey, Emily and Lucas!  I want to show you something.  See this?  It’s called WATER!  You can use it to wash your SNEAKERS . . . you know, when they get DIRTY . . . and you have to go somewhere . . . IMPORTANT . . . like, say, an EXAM.

Tonight’s Pretty Little Liars installment didn’t really get us any closer to finding out who “A” was, or who killed Alison.  But it did provide us with motives for two brand new suspects.

Emily and Lucas

Granted, I don’t really think EITHER of these two “did it,” but it does serve to make things a bit more interesting . . . 

Oh, and you know what else?

IT’S ALIVE!

Yeah, so apparently, Dead Creepy Toby is not so much DEAD, after all.  Then again, I don’t think he “did it” either.  That would be way too easy!  He still scares the crap out of me though . . .

But I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here . . . So, strap on your muddy sneakers and, let’s backtrack a bit . . .

It’s S.A.T. Time!

When the episode opens, Spencer, Aria, and Hanna are studying for the S.A.Ts, which they will all be taking the next day.  They are also waiting for Emily, who is MIA.  Now, I’m not sure exactly how long its been since the writers of this show took their SAT’s.  But you would think that SOMEONE on the staff would have taken the test recently enough (like, say, sometime within the last 50 years) to know that studying vocab words with flashcards the night before the test isn’t really going to help.  The chances of a word on those cards ACTUALLY being on the test, are about as slim as the chances that Toby is actually “A” on this show . . .

“Hey Emily, do you, by chance, know a synonym for the word ‘psychopath?’

Nonetheless, I do have to thank ABC Family for the little vocab lesson I received tonight.  Before this episode, I didn’t know what “meretricious” meant (It means “deceitful”).  Now I do!  Yay, for educational television!

“Tonight’s episode is brought to you by the letter ‘A.”

So, the girls are studying.  Hanna is trying to convince Aria to get with Senor Bushy Eyebrows.  Spencer is gushing over Alex.  Blah, blah, blah . . . pretty boring stuff.  But then someone wonders out loud where Emily is . . .

“Well, I’m not out buying clean shoes to wear for the test, that’s for sure!”

Elsewhere, Emily dashes into her bedroom and locks the door.  She’s soaking wet and muddy from running in the rain.  She empties out the contents of her bag, and shoves them under her bed.  It’s hard to tell what’s in the bag, but we suspect it’s some pretty random and useless sh*t.

Case in point: THIS photograph.

Relieved that she has gotten away unnoticed, Emily slumps down on the bed, heaving a sigh of relief.  That is until her cell phone vibrates.  Hey, Emily!  You got a new text message!  Golly gee!  I wonder who it’s from?

The taunting text messages have returned! 

THAT was awkward . . .

“On the bright side, Mom, at least I’m not boning my sister’s fiance anymore!”

Sigh!

It’s now the day of the exam.  And the same storm that made Emily so wet the night before (ha ha ha) is still going strong — SO STRONG, in fact, that the exam might actually be canceled!

Oh, please no!  The S.A.T’s can’t be canceled NOW!  Not when I finally know what meretricious means!

Spencer’s mother, who we haven’t seen AT ALL since the series started, but is suddenly Miss Overbearing Mommy of the Year . . .

“Woo hoo!  SAG card here I come!  Wait .  . . what’s my daughter’s name again?”

. . . insists on escorting Spencer to the exam.  Once inside the high school, Mama Hastings immediately proceeds to raise hell to anyone who will listen, about the travesty of justice that will inevitably result, if her precious little daughter, Spencer, has to take a test IN THE RAIN!  (Heaven forbid!) 

Spencer . . . now THAT is a girl who would NEVER EVER be caught wearing dirty shoes to an exam.

“If my shoes were dirty, I wouldn’t be able to read the test answers I wrote on them, which, I conveniently stole from my sister’s laptop.”

As it turns out, Spencer’s new beau Not Wren Alex is also taking the S.A.T.’s at Spencer’s high school.  And her mom, may or may not have caught the couple cleaning eachother’s teeth with their tongues, right in the middle of the school hallway.  “Oh, you’re the [Ball] Boy from the [Country] Club,” says Spencer’s mom, with an expression on her face that looks like she just ate poop.

A face like that is generally not a good sign for you, Blue Ball Boy Alex . . .

Alex seems equally uncomfortable during the meeting, and Spencer, being Spencer, immediately assumes the worst.  “What did my mother say to you?”  Spencer demands.

 “I don’t want to talk about it,” replies Alex, in Typical Guy fashion, before basically blowing Spencer off . . .

Spencer doesn’t have too much time to ponder the meaning behind Alex’s sudden departure, however, because she is soon confronted by another moody man, one who looks a little long in the tooth to be taking his S.A.T’s . . . It’s Deputy Douchey of course!

Unfortunately, he had clothes on this time.

Deputy Douchey proceeds to tell Spencer and Co. what us Pretty Little Liar fans already knew.  “Somebody destroyed Alison’s memorial,” Douchey sneers.

Now, it’s Spencer’s turn to look like she just ate poop.  But Douchey’s not really interested in torturing Spencer today.  He has his sites on another Pretty Little Liar . . .

No, it’s not Hanna, although we’ve already established that Douchey secretly wants to get in HER pants . . .

“Moi?”

Douchey wants to know if Emily has seen Creepy Toby lately, who, as I mentioned, is not so much, dead, anymore.  Douchey suspects that Toby killed the memorial (and Ali?).  He also wonders out loud why Emily’s shoes look like someone took a giant dump on them. 

(Seriously?  WTF?  We all know Emily got home early enough the night before to wash her shoes, or AT LEAST change into another pair, before heading off to the exam.  Are we REALLY supposed to believe that the girl took the time to get dressed in a new outfit . . . and then put on those same nasty shoes . . . without bothering to so much as pat them with a sponge or paper towel?)

Fortunately for Emily, Spencer’s mother swoops in to halt the interrogation . . .

‘”I’m sorry, I thought you were my daughter . . . never mind.”

 . . . and the girls head together toward the library, to register for the exam.

Oh, yes!  Reading Great Expectations Makes Me SO HOT!

“Now I know why they call him Charles DICK-ens.”

The girls sit down together at the library to “study” some more . . .

If you look closely at this picture, you can tell that all the books they have open are completely blank . . .

It’s not long before Deputy Douchey comes to bug them again.  “Where were you all last night?”  Douchey demands.

“We were all together, studying,” pipes in Dirty Feet Emily, before any of her friends can contradict her.

“Of course, I’m not lying!  What on earth would give you that idea?”

After Deputy Douchey leaves, the girls confront Emily about her little fib.  She gets defensive.  “I’m going to the bathroom, but if you want to come with me, we can all try to squeeze into the same stall together!”  Emily quips.

“I’m serious.  I’d really like to see you girls in my bathroom stall.”

(Speaking of lesbians, was it just me, or was Emily WAY more interesting in this episode, without Snoozy Maya to bring her down?  Just saying . . .)

As soon as Emily leaves, Spencer gets a text from the suddenly way more prolific A.  “It seems like you girls lost Emily.  Who’s next?”  It says, more or less . . .

Emily gets a text from “A” too, hers makes reference to the Charles Dickens’ novel “Great Expectations,” which apparently the girls had read in English class the previous year . . .

First To Kill a Mockingbird, then Catcher in the Rye, then the Adventures of Tom Sawyer, now Great Expectations . . . We get it, ABC Family!   You want us to read the classics.  You can stop shoving old books down our throats, now . . .

Emily quickly finds the book in question, and pulls it from the shelf.  A few passages are highlighted, but we can’t really see what they are.  A letter falls out of the book addressed to Alison from Emily, herself.  Initially, I thought it was a “Love Letter,” but it actually ended up being a “You made out with me, and then rejected my ass.  I hate your guts, you Big Fat Turd” Letter.

Instantly, we flash back to a year earlier.  Emily and the surprisingly well-read Ali are in the library on the floor.  Ali waxes poetic about how beautiful and romantic Great Expectations was (Clearly, she and I didn’t read the same book.)  Then, Emily tells Ali about her dream that Blind Jenna got her sight back and was miraculously able to use a mirror to put on lipstick!

Look!  It’s a DREAM COME TRUE!

Ali then reads Emily some random passage from Great Expectations.  The reading gets them both so hot and bothered, that they start necking.

On to Flashback 2 . . . Now Emily and Ali are in a gym locker room.  Ali babbles on for a bit about how she would love to go to Paris so that she can eat croissants and shop, even though she could probably do both of those things at the mall down the street.  “Do you know any French families looking to house a nice girl from Pennsylvania?”  Ali asks Emily.

“Sure I do, but then who would YOU stay with?”  Emily replies, or at least that’s how she WOULD reply, if she had any backbone at all . . . which she doesn’t.

The picture Ali used in her application to become an exchange student in Paris.

Did I mention that Ali delivered this entire speech COMPLETELY naked?

(It might interest you to know that, unlike the other actresses on this show, most of whom are in their early 20s, Sasha Pieterse, the actress who plays Ali, is just 14-years old.  Skating on some thin ice there, ABC Fam!)

To further slut things up, Ali asks Emily to help her put her bra on, because she can’t do it herself.  (She must have really short arms.)  Emily complies, taking the request as an invitation to start kissing Ali on her lady parts.  “What are you doing?”  Ali seethes.  “I like boys on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays; Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I’m a total lezzie!  The only reason I would kiss you would be to practice for the real thing.  Take me home, b&tch!  You’re my ride!”  She says to Emily, more or less.

Hence the . . . “You made out with me, and then rejected my ass.  I hate your guts, you Big Fat Turd” Letter.

Emily gets so caught up pondering her Relationship Baggage, that she fails to notice that someone  has swooped in and taken her ACTUAL baggage.  Oh, did I forget to mention, that Emily was SO determined that people not find the Bad Stuff she took home in her bag the night before, that she  BROUGHT IT ALL TO SCHOOL WITH HER?

So, of course, who stole finds the bag, but THIS GUY . . .

Yes, I have CLOTHED pictures of him.  NO, I DON’T feel like using them . . .

Emily might as well have wrapped her guilt in a bow and handed it to Deputy D-bag (which is why we all know she is innocent, by the way – Emily is clearly not smart enough to be “A.”).  In addition to her muddy sneakers, Douchey presents to her: (1) pieces of the destroyed memorial, found in her bag; (2) the “You made out with me, and then rejected my ass.  I hate your guts, you Big Fat Turd” Letter; and (3) pictures of her sitting at the destroyed memorial around the time the crime purportedly occurred.

A tearful Emily explains to Deputy Douchey and the rest of the Pretty Little Liars that she came to the memorial to apologize to Ali for writing the above-referenced letter, and found the memorial already destroyed.  She took its pieces because they were the only ones still left in tact.  She also FINALLY comes out of the closet to her friends (aside from Hanna, who already knew about it).

But, just when it seems like Douchey may have enough evidence to build a case against Emily for Ali’s murder and/or the destruction of her memorial, who steps in to save the day YET AGAIN, but Spencer’s mom!

“Wait!  Are you sure this isn’t my kid?  Darn!”

Ball Boy Gets Lucky . . . Though Not in the Way Some of You Would Have Hoped . . .

Spencer’s Mom informs Douchey, in no uncertain terms, that he has crossed the line, by attempting to interrogate the Pretty Little Liars (all minors, by the way, without an adult present).  Impressed by her mom’s unusually helpful behavior, Spencer finally confronts her, and asks her what her deal is with Alex.

“I f&cked him.  He supported me during a difficult time,” she explains. 

As it turns out, Spencer’s mom had a lumpectomy, and dealt with it by (1) not telling her family about it; and (2) getting completely wasted at the Country Club.  Alex discretely kept her from suffering alcohol poisoning, and kept his word not to tell anyone about what happened.  In return for his good deeds, Alex is rewarded by getting Spencer’s mother’s blessing to date Spencer.  Spencer is so proud of her new boy toy she practically nails him right in the middle of the school hallway . . .

Part of me was kind of hoping they would start salsa dancing again.  They didn’t.

“If it were ME, I totally would have salsa danced with Spencer at school.  I’m just a spontaneous kind of guy!”

We know, Wren!  Oh boy, do we know!

Like Daughter, Like Mother . . .

“Turns out .  . . EVERYONE wants a piece of the white pasty stick legs!”

Still bummed out over her parent’s separation, and Fitzy’s disappearance, Aria . . .

 . . . tries to cheer herself up by taking part in an impromptu jam session with the guitar slinging (Did he take that thing to the S.A.T’s with him?  Seriously?) Bushy Eyebrows Noel.  He plays.  She sings.  (Some chaperones these kids have that NO ONE with any authority has any idea they are doing this!) 

Once Noel was finished playing, his eyebrows provided an encore performance.

 Like Emily and Ali, and their SUPER SEXY Great Expectations read along, Aria and Bushy Eyebrow Noel get swept up in their karaoke moment, and are about to kiss, when who magically appears?  THIS GUY!

But just when you think the clearly jealous Fitzy is going to fight for the woman he loves . . . he doesn’t.  El Wimpo merely reverts back to his same broken record mantra, of “You’re too young.  This will never work,” all the while, repeatedly telling Aria how much he still loves her.  (Talk about mixed messages!)

At the end of the episode, Aria reluctantly agrees both to go out on a “real date” with Bushy Eyebrows, and try to reconcile things with her mother, who she hasn’t been speaking with since her parents separated two weeks ago . . .

Speaking of Aria’s mother . . .

 . . . girlfriend was putting the moves on her daughter’s boyfriend Fitzy, pretty hard core this week, wasn’t she? 

Granted, she doesn’t KNOW it’s her boyfriend, yet, but still.  “If we were in a plane [in this storm], I’d totally be in your lap right now,” Aria’s Mommy explains seductively, while her and Fitzy search for food, during their tenure chaperoning the S.A.T. That Wasn’t.

“Is that an invitation?”

Aria’s mom also plies Fitzy for information about Aria — information that he doesn’t know, because he has been being a Total D-Bag, and ignoring her for weeks.  Nevertheless, I’m really glad that, ultimately, nothing happened between Fitzy and Mommy Montgomery, because that would just be too weird!

Since when did “faxing” become a euphemism for sex?

You know what else would be weird?  A relationship between Aria’s dad . . .

Note: For purposes of this blog post, please pretend Hilary Swank is not in this picture . . .

 . . . and Hanna’s mom!

It all started (like any good porno would) with a blackout, and Aria’s dad coming to Hanna’s mom’s house to “fax something.”  (Ahem.)  The two flirt in the dark over candles and some wine.  They gripe about loneliness, and the trials and tribulations of “single parenthood.”  They make a date to meet up for dinner that weekend.  And then the lights go on . . .  and nothing happens  . . . thank goodness!  Because these two as a couple?  NOT cute!

And, finally, in Fabulous Hanna and Adorable Lucas News . . .

Lucas continues to sell Hanna’s stuff on EBay all through faux-exam day, eagerly tapping her on the shoulder to spread the good news, whenever one of her items is sold.  The two even have a bit of fun at the expense of Hanna’s RIDICULOUSLY AWFUL “friend” Mona, who, unknowingly BOUGHT one of Hanna’s bags.

Evil Mona sloughs it off.  “I meant to do that,” she explains.

But you can tell she’s defensive about the whole thing, seeing as she immediately remarks snidely on Hanna’s sensitive financial situation (“So, what, you’re poor now?”   She asks.) , as well as her newfound friendship with Lucas.  Evil Mona even goes as far as to tell Lucas to grow something that rhymes with WEENIS!

You don’t hear THAT on ABC Family every day!  Awesome Hanna sticks up for Adorable Lucas against Evil Mona, and Lucas is thrilled.  After the S.A.T’s are canceled and the storm has lifted, so that the students can finally leave the school, Lucas thanks Hanna profusely for her kindness.  “There’s nothing to thank.  We’re friends’ right, Geek?”  She remarks lovingly, before heading out of the school.

The normally unflappable Lucas’s face falls a bit, at the mention of the dreaded “f” word . . .  not that he wasn’t expecting it.  He calls after Hanna, we think, to come clean about his obvious romantic feelings toward her.  However, he ultimately loses his nerve. 

But WAS that what he wanted to say to Hanna, or did he have something else to confess?

In the last shot of the episode, we scroll downward to Lucas’ feet, which, like Emily’s, look like someone took a dump on them, even though he’s been at school FOR HOURS with nothing to do but wash the darn things . . .

Note the SKINNY JEANS!

Could ADORABLE LUCAS have destroyed Ali’s memorial?  After all, he DID admit to hating Ali for teasing him mercilessly, throughout her short life. But did Lucas hate Ali enough to KILL HER?  Could HE be the mysterious “A?”

I guess we will have to tune in to next week’s Season Finale to find out . . .

 [www.juliekushner.com]