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Apocalypse Eventually? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Because the Night”

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Greetings, Fangbangers!  And welcome to the End of the World!

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The Heroes have failed.  The Bad Guys have won.  And the Apocalypse is imminent.

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Now, there’s nothing left to do, but wait until the Gates to the Other Side open, and Evil swallows us whole . . .

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Still waiting .  . .

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Any minute now .  . .

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It’s coming .  . .really . . . I promise . . .

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*whistles uncomfortably*

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Did I say the Apocalypse was NOW?  I meant NEXT WEEK!

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This week on The Vampire Diaries, Silas WINS . . .

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Elena gets a haircut. . .

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And an ill timed commercial break deprives us of Rooftop Sex . . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

[This weeks screencaps are brought to you by screencapped.net.]

Bloody Big Apple

1977

It’s 1977 in New York City.  Disco isn’t dead yet.  Bell bottoms are still cool.  And there’s a Dead Guy lying in the street.

dead damon

victims

Or is there?

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*slurp, slurp . . .*

That’s right, boys and girls.  Different decade.  Same old vampire tricks . . .

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And yet, with generous amounts of guyliner, and a couple clever pop culture references (Son of Giusseppe, anyone?), Damon Salvatore manages to make what could have been a tired scene seem somehow fresh . . . not to mention way funnier than a double homicide has any right to be.  Because, he’s just cool like that.

damon eternal stud

Also, kudos to the music department for getting the rights to Talking Heads “Psycho Killer.”  When it comes to matching a song to a scene, it really doesn’t get much more perfect than this . . .

Of course, my favorite TVD Musical Moment will ALWAYS remain Damon’s dance with Vicki in Season 1 to Depeche Mode’s “Enjoy the Silence.”

But this one came a close second.  What’s YOUR favorite TVD Musical Moment?

A Silas Hunting We Will Go

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When Stefan finds out Silas has been skulking around Mystic Falls, and draining the hospital blood supply, he immediately calls his ex-boyfriend Klaus for help.

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This, of course, totally pisses off Stefan’s New Girl Friday, Caroline.

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Did I say pisses her off, I mean secretly thrills her in a Sexual Way . . .

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Such is the curse of the Good Girl, who longs for the Bad Boy, but hates herself for it . . .

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And when it comes to Bad Boys, Klaus pretty much takes the cake, in Caroline’s life.  After all, this IS the guy who killed her boyfriend’s mother and her best friend’s Useless Aunt, banished her boyfriend to the Great Beyond, and was responsible for almost poisoning Caroline, herself, to death with werewolf venom . . . twice.

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bite

But he draws her ponies, and triangles on a map.  And he buys her expensive things.  (DREAMY!)

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my little pony

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Did I mention he has an accent?

That’s right, Klaroline fans.  Though, when it comes to snagging Caroline, up to this point, Klaus has had about as much game, as Charlie Brown on a football field .  . .

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. . . he definitely made some headway into her heart, this week . .  .

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from the group geometry lesson .  . . to the Walk in the Woods . . .

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. . . to the come hither stares the pair were giving one another throughout the episode .  . .

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Something is definitely brewing here, Sports Fans.  And then Klaus did the one thing that is sure to send Caroline zooming right into his Dr. Evil Underoos . .  .

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He REJECTED HER!

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“As IF!”

But I’m getting ahead of myself, here.  For now, all you need to know is that our Blonde Vampire Trio has located Silas Bushyhead, by finding on a map, the two places where he is most likely to perform his next massacre . . .

The plot . . . it’s thickening . . .

A New York Sh*tty Flashback

This one time .  . . at Band Camp . . . I turned off my humanity, and started eating everyone in New York . . .

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So begins, Damon’s Bedtime Story to Elena.

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And of course, every Bedtime Story has to have a Fairy Godmother . . .

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Good ole, Lexie!  Talk about a Girl with Bad Boy Complex.  This reoccurring vampiress never met a Humanity Free Salvatore she didn’t want to fix.

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But while “therapy” for Stefan involved tying him to a chair for months on end, and draining him dry, her methods of curing Damon were a bit more . . . unorthodox.

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Honestly, who could blame Damon for not wanting to restart that pesky humanity switch?  From the sexy neck shares, to the long nights spent drinking and dancing, this flashback read more like The Perks of Being a Vampire II: Electric Boogaloo than any sort of cautionary tale against bad vamp behavior!

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And when Damon started fixing those Puppy Dog Eye Things in Lexie’s direction, and stroking her ego (among other lady parts), by claiming his love for her CURED HIM OF EVIL, I knew instantly he was full of crap.  (Even the most casual TVD fan knows that Damon Salvatore was a one-woman vamp for about 145 years, and that woman was sure as hell NOT LEXIE.)

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But still, like the Most Gullible Vampire Ever, I found myself eagerly awaiting the start of some good, old fashioned humanity free Damon Sex .  . .

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And then those bastards cut to commercial!

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Oh the humanity!

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Seriously, since when did the CW become PBS!  They skipped over the night, and went straight to MORNING?!  COME ON!  Even ABC Family gives us Naked Foreplay!

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Anywhoo, I guess it isn’t supposed to matter, because the whole Seduction Thing was all just a scheme on Damon’s part to get Lexie locked up on the roof, without her sunscreen ring, so he could ditch her self-righteous ass.

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But still . . . a little skin would have been nice . . . just sayin’

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Feeding Family Style

Back in the present day, Damon’s gabbing on the phone with Stefan, who’s back in Mystic Falls, while Elena is busy getting the FASTEST Hair Color / Cut EVER.  (Maybe the hairdresser is a vampire too?)

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STEFAN: “Previously, on The Vampire Diaries . . .”

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DAMON: “Seriously, isn’t this supposed to be Elena’s job?  I don’t want to have to listen to this.  What, just because she has her humanity turned off, she gets a free pass on in-script recapping?  I’m contacting SAG!”

I like Elena’s new look . . . I do.  And in general, I enjoyed Nina Dobrev’s new take on humanity-free Elena this week.  She just seemed less robotic, and more mischievous . . . She seemed like she was actually having a good time being bad, for a change.

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My one gripe?  This Elena seems a lot less like Humanity Free Elena, and more like . . . Regular Katherine, even down to the bigger hair, and more stylish clothes.  I have a feeling that this is going to make next week, when the two start sharing the screen again VERY CONFUSING.

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But I digress, it turns out that Damon has some ulterior motives for his little Humanity Vacation Road Trip.  You guys remember Will from last week?

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Well, apparently, he was well known in New York City vampire circles as a Fake ID maker . . . or rather, a Real ID taker, who gave dead people’s ID’s to vampires on the run . . . And I bet you will never guess who Will’s favorite client was . . .

Ding! Ding! Ding!  Katherine Petrova, that’s right!

the kat thank me brought cure

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So, Damon’s Master Plan is to hunt down Katherine, swipe The Cure from her fingertips, and shove it down Elena’s throat, along with her morning Blood Breakfast.  Sounds easy, right?

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The only problem is that Elena’s on to his little scheme, and has some plans of her own for The Cure .  . . plans that involve it being given to her Brand New Bestie, instead . . . Rebekah.

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Woah!  Who ever thought that these two sworn enemies would end up partying together, and drinking from the same neck . . . literally?

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Apparently, Damon’s little pep talk to Rebekah, last week, about humans being boring, failed to convince the Original She-Vamp that her future shouldn’t be paved with mortality, and a bevy of Klaus Barbie Babies . . .

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Now, I know this makes me a total traitor, but I kind of like the idea of a Human Rebekah.  She wants it more than anyone else.  Why shouldn’t she get it?

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And while I’m still quite positive that this storyline is going to end with the cure inadvertently being shoved down Damon’s throat, I have to admit that I’m with Team Elenbekah on this one . . .

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So, to review, Damon is playing Elena.  Elena is playing Damon.  And Rebekah is definitely NOT playing with This Guy . . .

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Now, that we know the Teams, we can start keeping score!

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Damon, thanks to Stefan’s uncanny ability to remember all his ex-girlfriend’s birthdays, finds a paper in Will’s apartment, listing all of Katherine’s known addresses.  (Score 1 for Damon).

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Then, Elena seductively brings him on the roof, for what Damon thinks will be some Lexie-inspired nookie, but is actually a game of Back-Pocket snatch and grab (Score 1 for Elena, Score -25 for Delena fans hoping for a little rooftop action from their favorite lovebirds).

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But Damon catches on to Elena’s scheme, and pries the paper back from her greedy little hands.  (Score 2 for Damon, 1 for Elena).

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Then, Rebekah pops up, seemingly out of nowhere, and breaks Damon’s neck!!  (Score 69 for Rebekah, Score 2 for Elena, and Score -25 for the temporarily dead Damon).

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In the final round, Rebekah, and Elena head off in Damon’s car, with his precious address list, while Damon naps off his death on the rooftop of that seedy New York bar.

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(Score 169 for Rebekah and Elena, Score -125 for Snoozing Damon, and Score 1,025 for Lexie, who, somewhere up in Vampire Purgatory, just got the best Poetic Justice of her unnaturally long life . . .)

Talk about Vampire Girl Power!

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Binge and Purge – Wiccan Style

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“Hey, I just met you.  And now you’re crazy . . .”

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“So I’ll call all my witch friends .  . .”

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“And kill you, maybe?”

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Silas Bushyhead is still Svengali-ing Bonnie into murdering 12 people, who P.S., just so happen to have to be witches.

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Way to not support the Sisterhood of the Traveling Nosebleeds, BonBon!

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exist to me

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Silas Bushyhead’s plan really sets into motion, when Bonnie goes all Stephen King’s Carrie on the windows in her dad’s house.

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So dad does what any rational father would do in this situation . . . sends his daughter off in the woods to meet with his vampire ex-wife’s crazy witch friend, and her 11 teen minions?

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Is Ridiculously Bad Parenting contagious?  Because it definitely seems like an epidemic in Mystic Falls.

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As much as I abhor me some Bonnie, even I have to admit the Witch Exorcism scene was pretty nifty, with Bonnie adding white eyeballs to her usual repertoire of Bleeding from the Nose and Whining . . .

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beautiful eyes haha

Then, Stefan . . . bless his heart, pops on the scene, and says, “WAIT!  Stop the exorcism, Bonnie’s working for SILAS!”

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To which, The Witch, replies . . . “Eh, no biggie!  We’ll just kill Bonnie.  We were half way there, anyway . . .”

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(Sounds like a plan to me!)

Of course, Stefan’s lame attempt at rescue ended up playing right into Bushyhead’s plans.  Because, minutes later, Caroline KILLS the head witch . . .

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.  .  . and all the others immediately fall dead, domino-style (which was also pretty unintentionally hilarious to watch).

And so, the Apocalypse has finally come to Mystic Falls . . .maybe.

Klaus, who earlier in the day gave Caroline a geometry lesson about equilateral Expression Triangles, now gives her another one, about how killing TWELVE witches, and OPENING THE GATES OF HELL, to save one REALLY annoying one, isn’t exactly a fair trade in the scheme of Good versus Evil.

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Caroline is SAD.  Caroline is VULNERABLE.  Caroline wants comfort.  In other words, Klaus is SO IN . . .

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. . . which is probably why he rejects her ass . . .

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Congratulations Charlie Brown Klaus.  It looks like you finally got that football, away from Lucy, after all!

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P.S. It turns out Bonnie has amnesia about her entire Bring It On: Apocalypse Mini Series.

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This means, she has to learn about JerBear’s death ALL OVER AGAIN.  Might I suggest waiting until Season 4 of TVD comes out on Blue Ray . . .

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Bushwack . . . ing off?

Then Bushyhead Silas has to come and totally harsh Klaus’ buzz, by rubbing it in about the whole Apocalypse Thing, and staking his ass . . .

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BASTARD!

Next week on TVD . . . did I hear someone say, Doppelganger Hijinx?

Oh, and what the heck is up with Dog-on-a-Leash Klaus, and . . . is that Silas!Caroline?

Color me intrigued . . . until next time, Fangbangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Were you prepared for THIS? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Homecoming”

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It looks like someone just found out Charlie’s Angels was canceled . . .

Howdy, Fangbangers!  Well, it looks like we have bit, staked, compelled, danced, and de-hearted our way through another mid-season finale of The Vampire Diaries.  And man, was this episode a doozy!  For me, “Homecoming” struck me very much as the unofficial sequel / bookend to one of my favorite TVD episodes, of all time.  Of course, I’m referring to the epic “Masquerade.”

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Think about it.  Both episodes featured a major black tie optional event at the Lockwood Mansion.  Both episodes featured a plan, concocted by the Scooby Gang to take down a significant enemy, in which most of the main characters played a significant role.

Both episodes contained a number of shocking twists, turns, and fake outs, as the show wound its way toward its epic conclusion.  And both episodes offered up some doppelganger hijinks, which resulted in Elena being absent for a key portion of the action.

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Of course, there was one very important difference between “Masquerade” and “Homecoming.”  In “Masquerade,” the Scooby Gang’s ultimate goal was to KILL Katherine (or at least entomb her for a few million years).  But in “Homecoming,” Katherine ended up being, arguably the most important secret weapon the Scooby Gang had against their REAL enemy . . . Klaus.

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So, slip into your favorite dress or suit, and choke back a few bags of blood.  Because it’s time to attend “Homecoming” . . .

(Andre, as always . . . the screencaps were amazing!  Thank you!)

The Body

White Oak Daggers .  . . all the BEST Originals are wearing them.”

We begin this episode, with Stefan calling his boyfriend, Klaus, from La Casa de Rich and Awesome, to inform him that his Daddy’s dead, and to ask him what he wants to do with the body.

“I’ve been missing our nightly phone sex chats, Klaus.  You haven’t forsaken me for that Teeny Bopper Wolf, Tyler, have you?

The fact that this episode both begins and ends with a phone call involving the care and maintenance of Original corpses is just one of the many brilliant touches to this multi-faceted little gem of an episode.   Another interesting irony of this scene?  Stefan’s words actually end up being TRUE, by the episode’s end.

But, since we are just at the beginning, let’s try not to get too much ahead of ourselves here . . .

As it turns out, Stefan’s phone call to Klaus is actually the SECOND STEP, in the longest, most drawn out, Scooby Gang plan to murder its Big Bad . . . EVER.    We flash back a bit, at this point, to just about twenty or so minutes earlier, during which our stalwart crew engages in one of its trademark Pow Wows of Sexiness and Plot Explanation.  (We haven’t had one of THESE in a while.)

During this exchange, we learn that, Stefan is the only person who could successfully lure Klaus back to Mystic Falls, with the promise of Mikael’s death.  However, since Stefan has been compelled to obey, and be more or less honest with the Original Hybrid, Mikael must ACTUALLY be dead, in order for him to make this phone call.

So, Mikael graciously allows Elena to stake him, since, as a human, she is the only one who can do so with White Oak Ash Temporary Murder Weapon, without meeting her maker, herself.  Elena quickly does the deed, without much fuss.

“Oooh, yeah.  A little to the left.  That feels good.”

Then, Stefan makes his phone call, during which a very depressed, and clearly conflicted Rebekah, confirms the existence of her father’s corpse to Klaus.

“Well, of course it’s him!  How many thousand year-old vampires named Mikael do YOU know?”

Did I mention that Mikael’s “Big Bad Klaus Killing Weapon,” is nothing but another, slightly more phallic stylish, looking dagger?  Yeah . . . that disappointed me too.  I was hoping for some gruesome, gory, step-by-step dismemberment process, or something equally sexy or complex.  Not a an ornately hand-crafted wooden weiner  .  . .  So, much for Originals being “hard to kill.”

“Did someone say, ‘hard?’ 😉

Oh, and the worst part?  ANYONE (including your grandma), can hold and wield this dagger.  So, it doesn’t even possess any cool, non-Original vampire-murdering properties, like its slightly smaller predecessor.  LAME!

Just a small quibble . . .  I’ll return to Positivity Town, now.  Thank you, very much . . .

The Bonding

In a show of false bravado, Rebekah paints her toenails, as she waits for her Bad Dad to wake up, so that he can head off to kill her Big Bad Bro.

“You know, I haven’t had a good pedicure, since 1921.  THANKS Klaus!”

You know, I have to say, out of all the characters on the show, Rebekah wins the dubious award this week, for Character Whose Life Sucks the Most.  I mean, imagine helping your dad — who you’ve been taught to hate, your entire life — to kill your brother, because that brother killed your mother, and, to some extent, your ENTIRE FAMILY.  I mean, it’s not exactly the type of situation they make Hallmark cards for . . .

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What the f*&k are Hallmark cards?”

“Nothing you say matters to me,” says Rebekah, as her father returns to the living, though both vampires in the room, know this to be a lie.

No matter how awful our family members might be (and Rebekah’s are clearly the most awful of all), we are always subconsciously seeking their approval . . .

Mikael then asks where his precious peni$ dagger is hiding.  And Rebekah responds that Elena has it, the unspoken implication of that statement being, “I want to make sure you don’t try to impregnate kill me with it, you A$$HAT!”

“Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.”

Mikael, ever the warm and loving soul he is, promises Rebekah that he wouldn’t use that dagger to kill Rebekah . . . only her mother-killing brother.  “And [Klaus] will die for what he did,” explains Rebekah calmly. “But you did this to us, when you turned us into vampires.  YOU destroyed our family, not him.”

So, THERE!”

These were pretty strong words coming from Rebekah . . .  words that make me wonder how many thousands of years she must have spent in therapy to come to this very conclusion. 🙂  And while, Rebekah’s accusations clearly impact her father, I can’t help but wonder whether Rebekah too easily brushes aside her brother’s evil acts, as the mere result of his being an Original .  . .

Because yes, we are ALL a product of our families.  And Mikael’s behavior toward Klaus definitely scarred him for life, as we saw in last week’s “Ordinary People.”  Of course, Klaus would NOT have had all this power, to do all these bad things, had it not been for the spell that turned him into a vampire in the first place.  On the other hand, there are plenty of vampires who have bad dads, but don’t behave like Klaus . . . Caroline, being the most notable one.

Take THAT, fellow Bad Dad Vamps!”

But to some extent, Klaus’ own siblings, Rebekah and Elijah prove this point as well.  Because while both are generally pretty scary indiviuals, neither of them is Klaus . . .

“Yeah, I know.  I’m bad ass.”

This super intriguing scene, is followed by a super dull one, during which Bonnie mopes a bit about the fact that her ex-boyfriend would rather bang dead chicks than her.

“I know it might be fun to take time out of your busy Klaus-killing, Damon flirting schedule to talk about our feeeeelings.”

However, lest you think this TVD moment was nothing more than a two-minute waste of your precious pre-hiatus air time, I’d like to propose that this scene was actually MILDLY important, in that it hinted at the episode’s theme.

When Elena encourages Bonnie to open up and discuss her feelings about her Tragic Break-up with Jer Bear, Bonnie refuses, due to the fact that Elena is Jeremy’s brother, and will love him unconditionally, no matter what.

“Awww . . .”

“So, what,” you might be thinking.  “Jeremy wasn’t even IN this episode!  What do his Ghost F*&ker tendencies have to do with “Homecoming.”  Ahhh . . . true.  But the key word in Bonnie’s statement isn’t “Jeremy,” it’s “brother.”

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Do you see where I’m going with this?  Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .

The Contingency Plan

Honestly, this picture has nothing to do with this section of the recap at all.  Consider this my way of expressing my own personal dissatisfaction at the lack of Damon shirtlessness, of late . . .

Damon and Elena are having sex making out making wolfsbane grenades, while Elena cautions Damon about the fact that more than half of the members of their Kill Klaus Team are untrustworthy vampire douchebags.  Fortunately, Damon is well aware of this fact, which is why he has a Super Top Secret Kill Klaus Contingency Plan.  HOORAY!

But before Damon can reveal, anymore, Ripper Stefan stops by to borrow a tie.  Apparently,  all Stefan’s regular ties are lame.  I love how becoming a Ripper has seemed to awaken Stefan’s latent fashion sense gene.  (Have you notice, his hair has improved, since he went “bad?”)  Now, since Stefan believes himself to be Season , Damon, he also apparently, wants to raid Damon’s Season 1 wardrobe  . . .

“Might you be so kind as to lend me a pair of boxer briefs?”

And yet, I’ve actually never seen Damon OR Stefan wear any sort of tie that wasn’t black . . . So much for pushing the fashion envelope!  Now, Klaus on the other hand, there’s a guy, who probably has some crazy ass ties . . .

“I once wore this tie, made entirely out of champagne glasses.”

Anywhoo, Elena seems to be in a pretty sassy, Katherine-esque mood, of late (an aspect of this episode, which will prove to come in very handy later).  So, she helpfully suggests that Stefan stay home from the dance, since he seems incapable of properly dressing his new evil self.

“I’m sorry, Stefan.  Damon no longer has any ties.  We’ve ruined all of them during our hard core screwing, fighting and biting sessions . . .”

Stefan jabs right back at his ex-girlfriend, reminding her that he has been compelled to protect her . . . and that her track record, both for BIG PLANS, and school dances . . . well . . . it pretty much sucks.

(Technically, this is true.  All three dances that Elena attended with Stefan, ended with her almost getting killed.  There was, however, one dance that ended decidedly better . . .)

In fact, Stefan “worries,” that without his company, Elena might find herself murdered by the homecoming queen.  Touche, Stefan .  . . touche!

“What’s that supposed to mean?  You think I’m not hot enough to win homecoming queen?”

Quick to stick up for his soon-to-be girlfriend, Damon helpfully reminds Stefan that, since he’s Klaus’ bitch, HE’S the one more likely to inadvertently screw up the Gang’s plans, with his compulsive (and compelled) honesty, when it comes to responding to Klaus’ questions and requests.

But Stefan retorts that only ONE person in the room has illustrated a habit for letting HER humanity get in the way of their plans . . .

“Ooh, what do we have here . . . Stefan Salvatore’s number? DELETE!”

Ahh . . . humanity.  If brotherhood is the theme of this episode, “humanity” is it’s buzzword, both in it’s literal, and its more metaphoric sense . . .

All Hail Evil Blood Sluts

Over at the school, two NON humans, Caroline and Tyler are glittering-up the gym together.  (Unfortunately, this is not a euphemism for sex.)

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Tyler suggests they ditch the glitter and go eat some people who genuinely enjoy being chewed on by vampires.   (Hmmm . . . hickeys from Damon and Tyler?  YES PLEASE!)

“Or I could just spray glitter all over your boobs.  Take your pick.”

Prissy Caroline is APPALLED by ths concept — overtly sexual as it may be — and chastizes Tyler for hanging out with, and being adversely influenced by, as Caroline calls her, That Evil Blood Slut Rebekah.

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“OH HELL TO THE NO!”

Tyler promptly moves himself even further into the dog house, by telling Caroline how That Evil Blood Slut Rebekah is going to the Homecoming Dance with Matt, as per his suggestion.  Caroline, apparently, thinks Matt is just too sweet and innocent to dance with an Evil Blood Slut.  (Really, Caroline?  Because he wasn’t so “sweet and innocent,” when he conspired with your mother to KILL YOU!)

Don’t think we forgot!

“Is this some weird family component of the sire thing?”  Caroline asks, frustratedly.

And I’ve gotta say, I simply adored Tyler’s response.  “I’ve got glitter all over my hands .  . . If I’m sired to anyone, it’s you.”

I guess that’s what they call it, nowadays . . . siring. 😉

(So, basically, becoming a Ripper has made Stefan a better dresser.  And becoming Klaus’ b*tch has made Tyler funnier.  In conclusion, EVIL IS AWESOME!)

Speaking of That Evil Blood Slut / Barbie Klaus, she’s over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, wearing her token red dress, we got a peak at last week . . . a dress that looks oddly similar to the one Caroline ends up wearing . .  . both to this dance, and to the “Masquerade.”

“I look WAY better in this than that chick I ate, who was wearing it last.”

Elena approaches Rebekah from behind, and attempts to bond with the super depressed Lady Vamp.  When Rebekah admits that this is her first Homecoming Dance, since she and Klaus have always been too busy running from Mikael to do anything resembling a real high school experience, Elena gallantly thanks her for helping the Scooby Gang KILL KLAUS.

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Then Elena offers Rebekah her old Original Witch necklace,  as a token of her affection and friendship, before LITERALLY STABBING HER IN THE BACK with that trusty white oak ash dagger!

“I’m sorry, I can’t leave anything to chance either,” says Elena, as Rebekah falls to the floor . . . just slightly more undead than usual.

“Does this stake in my back make my ass look big?”

OUCH!  Even Damon thought that was cold, as he wrapped the dead chick up in a blanket or rug, or something.  Talk about Katherine-esque!

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Nevertheless, Stefan’s words have caused Elena to worry about whether her humanity WILL screw up the Kill Klaus plan.  Knowing Elena’s track record of SH*TTY PLANS gone awry, Damon can’t actually disagree with her.  But he can promise her that, she won’t screw THIS plan up, since, from this point on she will no longer have any part in it.

“Do you trust me?” Damon asks.

“Yes,” Elena replies, unequivocally . . . which, if you know these two at all, you know is a pretty HUGE step in the progression of their relationship, both as friends and, MUCH MORE IMPORTANTLY, for me, anyway, as lovers .  . .

“Then, you have nothing to worry about,” Damon replies.

Eeeek, did you REALLY have to say that, Damon?  Now, you’ve pretty much ensured that both you AND Elena will have something very significant to worry about, by the episode’s end  . . .

The Flood

One thing ALL the seniors at Mystic Falls High are going to have to worry about, is natural disasters.  After a flood magically appears probably because Klaus made it so at the school, the students find themselves without a suitable locale for their dance that night.  But, no biggies, Tyler can hold it at his house. . . .  You know, because that’s what filthy rich people DO, when the going gets tough .  . . they invite an entire student body into their living room.

That said, “Tyler’s” generous gesture reminded me a little bit of Logan Echoll’s “Alterna-Prom” bid, on Veronica Mars.

If you watched the show, you know exactly to what I’m referring.  If not, you can  just skip this comment, entirely . . .

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Matt too finds himself in need of a contingency plan . .  . considering that his “Original” Date, is a bit “DEAD” at the moment.  (Man!  That sucks, Rebekah.  Here’s hoping you stick around long enough to go to NEXT year’s Homecoming . . . though, I doubt it.)  Have no fear, Matt.  “ELENA” can be your date.

“Aww man!  Now I have to take ANOTHER hot girl to the dance.  My life sucks!  I so wish I was back at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.”

Initially, I was annoyed by this development, since I REALLY wanted Elena and Damon to go to the dance as dates.  And yet, considering that “ELENA” was actually Ka . . . well, more on this later . . .

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The Wake

“I’m picturing all of you naked right now.  It helps that I’m not wearing any pants.”

Wow, “Tyler” throws a rockin, Homecoming Dance. .  .  complete with My Morning Jacket, providing the music for the evening, and more people in attendance than could possibly attend Mystic Falls High, EVER . . . especially considering the death rate at that school.  This, of course, makes Caroline FURIOUS.  She can’t date a guy who’s a better party planner than she is?  What would SHE contribute to the relationship?

“Aside from the obvious, of course.”

Of course, as Tyler admits, he didn’t actually plan this party .  . .  Klaus did.  And it’s not a Homecoming Dance, it’s more like a WAKE .  . . for Mikael . . . an event for which Klaus has been preparing for a thousand years.   (Hmm . . . interesting . . . is this your clever way of telling us that the members of the band, My Morning Jacket, are vampires? ;))

Odd though it was, Klaus’ wake for Mikael sure beat the one Matt through for Vicki, which more or less consisted of this . . .

Meanwhile, “Elena” and Matt arrive at the dance.  And Matt wonders out loud whether their attending together is “weird.”  “Elena” then tells Matt to “act normal,” and “not tell anyone” . . . a rather obvious indication that doppelganger hijinks have just ensued, for those who are paying attention . . . (Wow, lately Matt has been more involved in the Kill Klaus games than Caroline.  What exactly is this show coming to?)

The Cannibal

Klaus and Stefan make their first encounter, since the whole “Emotions Flip Switch” thing.  Klaus promises Stefan that, by way of saying thanks for delivering Mikael to him, Klaus will grant him freedom from his own compulsion, upon Mikael’s death.

(Awww!  How generous of Klaus!  Personally, I would have settled for a Wii Entertainment System, and one of those fun little “Just Dance” games.)  Then, Klaus and Stefan make out . . . Just kidding!

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Mikael are shooting the breeze, and discussing Mikael’s all vampire diet.  Apparently, Mikael’s decision to hunt “the predator,” instead of the prey, stems, in a weird way, from his guilt for creating the vampire population to begin with.  Talk about eating your feelings!

This conversation is interrupted upon Stefan’s entrance, and instruction that Mikael’s “body” must be delivered to Klaus.  Damon responds that Stefan is no longer a part of the plan.  And then Mikael EATS HIM

Nom, Nom, Nom . . . tastes like Ripper.”

. . . well, really he just gnaws on his neck, a little bit.

I love how horrified Damon looked by the prospect of someone SNACKING ON HIS BROTHER, particularly given how many women and men, his brother has similarly snacked on.

My brother is going to have one hell of an ugly hickey . . .”

Damon suggests to Mikael that a neck breaking would have been a more humane way to temporarily take him out of commission.  I don’t know, I think the Vampire Hickey Method was great . . . It sure beats all those boring stakings, we’ve witnessed, of late . . .

“You wouldn’t feel that way, if I shoved this up your ass.”

The Betrayal

Back at the party, Klaus and Tyler are doing the whole “Hybrid / Sire” bonding thing, when Klaus lets Tyler in on a little secret . . . he has Baby Hybrid brothers, now!  And they are all at the party, waiting patiently to kill Tyler’s friends and lover.  Now, THAT’s sibling rivalry, for you.  But Klaus is not a total douchebag (just about 99.9999% of one).

“Don’t worry, Tylerpoo.  You will always be my favorite.”

Klaus then (1) compels Tyler’s mother to go to church, and PRAY for the Scooby Gang; and (2) he gives Tyler the opportunity to warn his friends about what’s about to go down, likely figuring that, by the time they try to do something about it, it will be too late, anyway  .  . .

Tyler then brings Caroline to one of his twenty or so BEDROOMS to have wild, hot, and dirty sex, YAY to talk about what “Caroline’s friends” are planning to do to Klaus.  Caroline claims she doesn’t know.  Actually, for once, she’s not lying.  But, she tells Tyler, that, even if she DID know, she wouldn’t tell him, because, as Klaus’ sire he’s Team Evil, now, and, therefore, can’t be trusted.  Tyler responds to this by .  . . VERVAINING HER IN THE NECK!

Would this be a bad time to ask, if I could borrow fifty bucks?  No?  Gee, thanks!”

Talk about COLD.  Apparently, this is a very bad day for Vampire Barbies.  It’s an OK day for Human Ken dolls, though.  Tyler finds Matt and commandeers his help to do what he, as Klaus’ bitch, literally no longer can: (1) bring Caroline to safety; and (2) warn the rest of the Scooby Gang that the Big Bad Hybrid, has brought some Big Bad Reinforcements, along to the party with him.

“Listen, Matt.  I’m going to do something very nice for you.  I am going to allow you to fondle my unconscious girlfriend.  I mean, that’s what friends are for, right?”

The Battle Royale

Here’s another important scene for you, that seems fairly useless, on first watch.  Klaus sees “Elena,” and stops by to metaphorically whip out his member to her, and remind her what a SUPER EVIL SUPER VILLAIN, he is.  When Klaus notes that “Elena,” seems nervous, she replies, “No, I just don’t like you.”

BAZINGA!”

Oooh . . . SASSY!  Klaus then warns Faux-lena that, whatever plan the Scooby Gang has cooked up against him, it’s going to fail, miserably, because . . . well . . . because clearly, while Klaus has been away on Hybrid business, he’s also been watching Seasons 1 and 2 of The Vampire Diaries on DVD.  There’s actually a bit more to this conversation.  But we don’t get to hear it yet, because we are busy watching Damon de-heart some newbie hybrid security guard.

“I hope you enjoyed your two seconds of screen time, Klaus’ extra!”

Our hero then enters the Lockwood house to find Klaus’ bitch, Tyler, on his way out . . .Wall  Slams and Bite Fights Galore ensue.  It’s kind of sexy, actually.

“Hey, Ty . . . mind if I throw a breath mint in their, before we finish fighting?  That’s pretty rank.”

Then Bonnie has to ruin tthe Glorious Tamon Moment with her Witchy Migraine making fingers, which she uses to make Tyler pass out.

Wow, I guess he’s REALLY not a fan of My Morning Jacket . . .”

And another one down . . . another one down .  . . another one bites the dust.

“I’m practicing my Thriller Dance.  What do you think?”

They really are just dropping like flies, this week, aren’t they?  I had to laugh when Damon bitched at Bonnie for Witch Migraining Damon, in addition to Tyler.

Dammit!  I have a Bonnie in my ear!”

Silly Damon!  Haven’t you learned by now, Bonnie’s going to take every single possible opportunity to torture you, at every chance she gets?

This is also the part of the story, where we learn that DAMON is the one holding the pretty, pretty Originals-killing peni$ dagger, since HE is the only vampire still standing with “permission” to enter the Lockwood mansion . . .

The Showdown

The moment we’ve all been waiting for finally arrives, when Klaus finds himself face-to-face with Mikael . . . having instructed his hybrids to bring the rest of the party outside, in preparation for this epic confrontation.  Of course, said confrontation would seem a whole lot more epic, if Mikael could actually cross the threshhold into the Lockwood Mansion.

“Might I be invited in for a bite to eat? I’ve brought this delicious doppelganger tart for you to try.”

Now, the Big Bad Pair are just standing a few feet away from one another, having a pissing contest.  Mikael goads Klaus a bit, reminding him what a coward he is, and explaining to him that, while those trusty hybrids were sired by Klaus, they could still be compelled to rip him to shreds, by Original Mikael . . .

Gay for Klaus . . . but ZOMBIES for Mikael.

Oh, and it seems Mikael has an ace up his sleeve . . . Elena . . . at knifepoint.  Hello, Blood Bag!  This pissing contest just got REAL . . .

You know, I talk a lot on this website about Ugly Cry Faces, but you know who has a GORGEOUS Cry Face, Joseph Morgan  . . . in fact, in the GORGEOUS Cry Face department, Joseph gives Ian a REAL run for his money!

HAWWWWT!

Klaus really gets those waterworks flowing, when Mikael starts telling him how nobody really cares about him, and that he can only earn loyalty by controlling it.

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Well, that’s only partly true, Mikael, I happen to know a lot of TVD fans, who care about Klaus, a whole bunch.

Klaus doesn’t really believe that Mikael would kill Elena, since she’s the lead female character on The Vampire Diaries his “ace in the hole.”  And decides to call his bluff.  Mikael then, tells Klaus that his impulses are what keep him from being great.  And so . . . MIKAEL KILLS ELENA  . . . on impulse, of course (which, I would have been a lot more shocked by, if there was actually a chance in hell that she would actually die).

O Face Alert!”

But it looks like the joke is really on Mikael, because, moments later, as Damon pops up inside the house, with his peni$ dagger, Elena comes back from the dead . . . Oh, wait . . . that’s KATHERINE!  And she’s holding those wolfsbane grenades we saw Damon and Elena making at the beginning of the episode.  “Ba-boom,” she says, gleefully, as she blasts those Baby Vamp Teen Wolves.

SUCKAS!”

“Baby you’re a fiiiiiiirework.  Come on show them whaaat you’re worth . . . without limbs.”

Things start happening pretty fast, then.  Damon BEGINS to stake Klaus, actually getting as far, as to have the knife in his chest (Honestly, I’m not sure, how he didn’t die instantly from that.  Peni$ Dagger officially sucks.)  But then STEFAN tackles Damon to the ground.   OUCH!

This causes the Peni$ Dagger to fall to the ground, and Klaus to get it.  Klaus then rushes out of the house, and stabs Mikael, causing him to burst into flames .  . .  (Well, that’s one way to clean up a dead body.)

It looks like one of those commercials for Tums antacids. 

Wow, nice knowing ya, Mikael, you were . . . not nearly as bad ass, as I hoped you would be.

You do have an excellent tan for a vampire, though . . .

Then, Klaus, who oddly enough, like his brother Elijah, seems to be a man of his word, at least, to some extent, generously frees Stefan from his compulsion, giving him the opportunity to face what he has done, should he ever decide to turn back on his emotions.

I’ll never forget you, Klaus . . . (unless you compel me to do so, which, under the circumstances, I probably wouldn’t  mind that much).”

But . . . will he?  More on that in just a bit . . .

The Break-up

Caroline awakens in some random Bedroom.

“I’m so glad that pesky vervaining didn’t mess up my hair or makeup.  I may win prom queen yet . . .”

Soon after, Tyler pops in, braced for a lecture.

“Well, this is awkward.”

As expected, Caroline is quick to scold Tyler for vervaining his girlfriend to keep her out of danger, as opposed to . . . oh . . . I don’t know, telling her to go home and watch Dancing with the Stars, or something.  But Tyler didn’t do that, because he KNOWS Caroline, and KNOWS that she would never be able to willingly leave the house, knowing that her friends are in danger.  In other words, Tyler stabbed his girlfriend FOR HER OWN GOOD.  (How very Damon from “The Last Dance,” of him.)

Caroline then admits that she is having issues with the fact that Tyler seems so very cool with being gay for Klaus.  So, Tyler, does his best to explain to Caroline why this is so.  And, for the record, I think he makes a pretty good argument . . . a selfish argument, sure.  But a good one.

You see, for Tyler, the coolest thing about being a hybrid, is that he can change into a werewolf at will,  or, not at all, if that’s what he chooses.  This means,  he never has to endure the painful transformation we witnessed him and Caroline experiencing together, last season.

So, what if Tyler is destined to spend the rest of eternity as Klaus’ b*tch?  At least that won’t result in him having to crack all his bones every month, while dirty, naked, and smoking hot, looking?  It’s a pretty fair trade, as far as Tyler is concerned . . .

I’ll drink to that.”

Tyler hopes that Caroline will forgive him his Klaus’ b*tchness, just as she forgave his killing that random slutty chick, back in the “Masquerade,” when their relationship truly began, his monthly werewolf-ness, that whole, “left her locked in the cage a few minutes too long,” thing, the “shooting” Stefan thing, and the almost killing Damon thing.  But, nope, apparently, GAY FOR KLAUS is the straw that breaks the Hybrid’s back.

All it takes from Tyler, is one look at Caroline’s face, and he knows the two are dunzo . . .

“One goodbye f*&K?”

“Think about it, and get back to me later . . .”

Honestly, I’m a bit surprised at Caroline, who is usually SO much less judgmental.  After all, Katherine didn’t NEED compulsion OR a sire relationship, back in early Season 2, when she forced the Vampire Barbie to spy on her own best friends, Elena and Stefan, and bring news back to her.  You would think that she, of all people, could understand the notion of being forced to do the bidding of those who are significantly more powerful than you . . .

In addition, to being a Forwood fan, who just LOOOOOVES watching these two crazy kids get naked on a regular basis, I’m upset by the Forwood breakup, because I suspect it will be what throws Tyler off the rails into full-fledged villainy, just when we were starting to examine the complex layers of his character.  Being Klaus’ b*tch is one thing . . . but being the Robin to Klaus’ Batman, is quite the other . . .

“No me gusta!”

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The Comfort (and the Cockblock)

“Is it hot in here, or is it just us?”

We get our Delena scene a little early this week, in that it’s the second to the last scene, as opposed to the usual last one.  And, while I was hoping for something a bit more substantial (like a kiss, or a love declaration) given this is a pre-hiatus episode, I’m still fairly content with what we got.

We find poor Damon by the fire, brooding, angry, and incredibly distraught over the fact that Klaus is still alive.  After all, despite having seemingly thought of EVERYTHING, and corrected all the mistakes of Plans Past, Damon and his gang still lost.  More adorable soulful crying ensues.

Fortunately, for Damon, Elena knows him well enough to know exactly what he needs, cupping his face, and comforting him, in a way that is sweet, romantic, and above all, surprisingly optimistic, given all that’s happened.  The biggest development in the Delena relationship this week, is the creation of this “we” Elena refers to.  Elena used to use Damon’s name every chance that she got, typically as a means for lecturing him, or setting his own motives and desires apart from her own.

But now, Elena views her and Damon as a unit, a team . . . a couple(?)  “WE will survive this,” Elena assures Damon, as she strokes his cheeks.

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“He’s never coming back, you know.  We’ve lost him, for good,” Damon says bitterly about his brother.

“Then we’ll let him go,” replies Elena.

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My,  my, my, have the tables turned!  Back during “The Birthday,” Damon was telling Elena that Stefan wasn’t going to come back to himself in her lifetime.  He was instructing her to let go.

Then, gradually, as the season progressed, Elena gave Damon hope that his brother would eventually return to himself.   But now, it’s Elena who seems willing to be free of Stefan, while Damon is still mourning his brother’s loss .  . .

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It seems odd that all of this is going down, just moments after Stefan’s been given freedom from Klaus’ compulsion.  But, hey, I’m a Delena fan.  Who am I to complain about a thing like that?

Speaking of me being a Delena fan . . . WE WERE COCKBLOCKED AGAIN!  AGAIN, TVD WRITERS!  Why do you hate us, so?  Damon’s and Elena’s faces were inches apart.  They were clearly about to kiss, when, RING RING RING, it’s friggin Katherine!

“Should I throw my phone in the fire, too?”

(And I never thought I’d say that about Katherine.)  Now, she’s two for two on her cockblock attempts.

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What Katherine says to Damon on the phone is fairly insignificant.  What IS significant about the scene, though, is who is in the car with him . . .

The REAL Deal

“You know, a few weeks back, you’re brother banged me in this car.  And, if you want to feel closer to him, that might be a good way to do it.  Just sayin’.”

“He still doesn’t know where it all went wrong,” says Katherine, frustratedly.

“He doesn’t need to know,” replies Stefan.

“I’m a little carsick.  Would you mind opening the window, so I don’t puke blood all over your face?”

When then flashback a bit, to learn that, during their meeting, Klaus told “Elena,” that, if Klaus died, the hybrids would be compelled to kill Damon.”  Katherine then went to La Casa de Rich and Awesome to wake him up, and tell him what was about to go down.  She instructed Stefan to turn back on his emotions and FEEL something for his brother, who Katherine loved, just as much as she loved Stefan.  (I KNEW IT!)

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And so, Stefan is able to fight compulsion, once again, in order to do the unthinkable . . . allow Klaus to kill Mikael and win, in order to save his brother’s life.

“If he comes back to himself . . . it won’t be because he loves me, it will be because he loves you.”

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How tragic it is that it was this action that caused Damon to see his brother as irredeemable?

I find it interesting that Katherine views “humanity” as a vampires’ greatest weakness . . .

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. . .  while, Klaus believes that weakness to be “love.”

Personally, I think a vampire’s greatest weakness is sh*tty planning abilities . . .

Katherine instructs Stefan to turn his emotions back on fully (now, apparently, they are only on half mast), because she likes the “old him” better.  But Stefan isn’t quite ready to do that, and I can’t say I mind.  After all, like I said, Ripper Stefan is funnier than regular Stefan.  He also has better hair and is a better dresser.  In fact, I’ve been waiting for Stefan to be a VOLUNTARY Ripper for nine episodes.  And now, it looks like we will finally get just that.

Speaking of Stefan, now it’s HIS turn to have a contingency plan . . .

The Aftermath

“Whaaaaaaaaazzzzupppp!”

Just like in the beginning of the episode, Stefan calls Klaus again, this time to “thank him,” for his freedom.  Klaus is smug, and tells Stefan he’s very welcome, with a big goofy grin on his face. Then he opens his little coffin storage container, and finds it EMPTY!

“You know, I’ve been wearing this black getup for about three episodes, now.  Do you think Damon has any shirts he can lend me?”

(Now, I’m just wondering how Stefan managed to move all those coffins, and when, between being staked and eaten, all those times, he’s had time to do so!)

“We . . . are . . . family.  I got all my sisters with me . . . except one.”

“I’m still waiting for my homecoming date.  Do you think he stood me up?”

Anywhoo . . . remember how I said Ripper Stefan has better one liners than his more angelic counterpart?  Well, his last two lines pre-hiatus, might be his best ever.  “As someone who has been one step ahead of everyone for 1000 years, were you prepared for THIS?” Stefan asks with a smirk, as Klaus hangs up the phone.

GAME ON!

As for the promo for TVD’s post-hiatus episode, ‘The New Deal,” I’ve only been able to find the shortened U.S. promo for it, so far.  And, honestly, it feels like a bit of a cop out, considering that about 10 of those precious 20 seconds are spent on the DATE, and scenes from THIS episode.  Nonetheless, here you go . . .

I’m sure they’ll give us something more substantial soon.  But, for now, since it seems we have quite a few TVD-less weeks ahead of us, let’s discuss the first half of the Season a bit, in the comment section, OK?  What are your thoughts, on Mikael’s less-than-monumental demise?

“Goodbye, Cruel World . . . again . . . for good . . . maybe.”

On Forwood’s tragic breakup?

“Why couldn’t I just have said yes to the Goodbye F*&K?  Dammit!”

On Delena becoming a “we?”

On Katherine becoming Stefan’s conscience?

Oh, and how long exactly do you think it’s going to take Stefan to open those precious little coffin lids, most notably Elijah’s?

Because, it looks from the promo, like he takes his sweet time doing it, while our friends in Mystic Falls remain sitting ducks for Klaus?  I don’t know.  If it were me, I’d be de-daggering those family members so fast, my head would spin . . .

But, hey, who are we to judge, right?

Until next time, Fangbangers . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Family Day at Vampire Rehab – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Ordinary People”

“Don’t cry, my Darling NiKlaus!  In another few thousand years, your hair will be much less Rats Nest-y.” 

Hey there, Fangbangers!  So, I’m going let you guys in on a little secret.  (Shhhh . . . don’t tell anybody.)

OK.  Here goes .  . . historically speaking, I’ve never really been a big fan of “Flashback Episodes of TVD” . . .

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I like pretty costumes, elaborate hairdos, and inflated production values as much as the next girl . . .

KLAUS: “The 1490’s look good on you, Dear Katherine.” 

KATHERINE: “I wish I could say the same to you, Klaus . . .”

ELIJAH: “You do realize he could eat you for saying that, don’t you?”

I just tend to prefer my TVD gang to hang out in the 21st century .  . . WHERE THEY BELONG.

That all changed this week, with “Ordinary People”  . . .  an episode, which I feel was, by far, one of the best flashback episodes in TVD history.  (Tied only with the absolutely epic “Blood Brothers,” of Season 1.)

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I mean, sure, it had all the trappings of your classic TVD flashback episode . . .  the costumes, the hair, the extensive use of voiceover, a slew of main characters, who were suspiciously absent throughout the hour (I’m looking at you, Caroline, Tyler, Jeremy, Katherine, and Matt.).

“Sorry, I missed the episode.  I was sleeping off my hangover . . . and a long, hot, night of awesome Forwood sex.” 

But it also offers – among other things – answers to MANY long-standing questions about the Original Family, the Original Witch, and the Original Vampire Hunter Mikael . . .

 . . . some massive levels of Salvatore Brother Bonding . . .

 . . . well sort of . . .

 . . . Damon Sexy Dancing at a bar that is most definitely NOT the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . .  .

 . . . and, perhaps, my personal favorite, not one, but TWO, adorably erotic Delena scenes, one of which takes place, of all places, IN A BED . . .

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Sounds pretty awesome, right?

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s explore some “Ordinary People!”

(Once again, special thanks to Andre for the lovely screencaps you see here . . .)

The Lockwood Original Diaries – Pictionary Style


Get it?  It’s Dances with Wolves!  Let’s add Awesome Artist to the list of Fabulously F*&kable Damon Salvatore traits . .  .

This episode begins, rather fittingly, right where the last one left off: in the Lockwood dungeon . . . a set piece that arguably has become almost as popular as the Only Bar  / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  Alaric has brought Elena along to show her All the Pretty Pictures that Mason Lockwood helped them discover on the wall of the cave.  Damon comes along for the ride as well, to startle the always-jumpy Elena, and make cute snarky comments throughout the investigation.

You’re too hot to be scary.  Sorry, Damon!

After all, he hasn’t technically been “invited in” to this establishment, now has he?

Stupid vampire rules! 

The first thing the Scooby Crew ascertains from the cave drawings is that werewolves have been around Mystic Falls long before Stefan and Damon unwittingly encountered them, back in 1864.

I like Damon’s drawing better.  Cave Person FAIL! 

Now, whether these werewolves are ancestors to the current clan of Lockwood’s hasn’t yet been established.   But, for what it’s worth, I THINK they were Lockwoods (I’ve, personally, always thought Klaus’ biological dad was a Lockwood), and Damon seems to agree with me . . .

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“Lockwood Diaries – Pictionary Edition . . .”

Actually, as the threesome eventually find out, the history detailed on the wall of the cave is not the history of werewolves at all.  Rather, it is .  . . wait for it . . . the Original Vampire Family’s history.  We know this because, as we see in our first of many flashbacks from this episode, Rebekah has helpfully carved her family members names (some of them, at least) into the wall of the cave, to preserve for posterity . . .

So, this . . .

 . . . is basically the Viking version of THIS . . .

The names are written in a type of Viking Script.  Believe it or not, this seemingly random fact immediately answers two important questions that many of us have long-wondered about the Original Family: (1) How old are they?  The answer to THAT question is roughly the same age as the Vikings, who, as Rebekah would tell us later, colonized America in secret, long before history books would suggest.  This, as many of you savvy viewers caught, explains the odd little Viking reference she made in Alaric’s history class, back during “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”

“What’s the Viking word for ‘foreshadowing’?” 

 It also explains, (2) why a big bad vampire like Klaus would seem so oddly fixated on a small, seemingly inconsequential town like Mystic Falls.  Namely, HE GREW UP THERE!

Homesick . . . broody . . . and in need of a hug.  (Tyler!  Get over here and hug me, B*tch!)

Oh, and here’s the first kicker (which most of us had ALSO already figured out) Original Vampire / Kat Eater Mikael is .  . . wait for it . . . THE ORIGINAL FAMILY DAD!

I wanna be like Mike . . . actually, no I really don’t. 

But wait a minute . . . you might be saying .  . . why would a FATHER be trying to hunt down and murder his own kids?

(It wouldn’t be the first time!) 

Well, I’m getting to that .  . .

Happy music plays in the background,  as Alaric excitedly takes pictures of all the cave etching, so that he can study them for hours on end.  Seriously, this is a history buff’s wet dream . . .  You GO, Chunky Monkey!

“Are you mocking me?” 

Alaric Saltzman Gets His Study on, while Damon and Elena  . . .

Poor Alaric!  Who knew, back when we first met him, that he was just two dead girlfriends away from becoming Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

As Alaric painstakingly analyzes the less surprising drawings from the cave wall  . . . “vampire” . . . “werewolf” . . . “sun” . . . “moon,” I find my attention continually being drawn toward the hot and sweaty activity going on directly behind his head.  It looks as though Damon and Elena have decided to continue the Vampire Slayer training that the pair happily started during “Smells Like Teen Spirit” . . .

Once again, Damon has cleverly used this “training” exercise, as an excuse to hold Elena close and fondle her.  (YAY!)

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Mommy LIKE . . . A LOT!

We see this when he, once again, grabs at her from behind, and makes a joking move to bite her neck, illustrating that, in this particular faux battle, the vampire has won.

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Since we all know how much TVD LOVES its parallels and foreshadowing, many clever viewers have already predicted that Elena will be forced to use these vampire fighting skills, FOR REAL, some time before the end of the season.

We’ve already seen her use what she learned in her first fighting lessons with Damon and Alaric to temporarily incapacitate Ripper Stefan.  And I’m thinking that there is more to the emphasis on these fighting scenes than JUST to show Delena foreplay . . .

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. . . not that there’s anything wrong with Delena foreplay, of course. 😉

Later, when Alaric hits a snag in his studies, Elena decides to hit up Barbie Klaus / New Head Cheerleader Rebekah for some inside information . . .

A Tale of Two Exes . . .

“The Boy is MINE!” 

At school, Elena shows Rebekah a picture of one of the cave etchings, and asks for answers.

“Actually, this is just a naked picture of Stefan I found on his Facebook page.  Look what you’ve been missing all these years.”

At first, Rebekah is dismissive.   But when Elena threatens to awaken Vampire Hunter Mikael, otherwise known as Daddy Dearest, she gets PISSED, and shuts down completely.  As Barbie Klaus stalks away, we are treated to a second flashback, this one features Klaus, and the ever elusive,  sexy-haired, Elijah . . .

 . . . when it comes to haircare.  (But when it comes to jousting?  Maybe . . .)

 . . . engaged in swordplay.  Then, Mikael pops in to verbally, emotionally, and physically abuse Klaus, as the rest of the family stands silently by.

Mikael (who looks oddly hot, with his long crimped hairdo) takes the phrase “Bad Dad,” to a whole new level, when he takes the sword from Elijah, and begins jabbing it at Klaus, until the latter eventually falls to the ground.  “Some days, it’s a miracle, you are still alive, Boy,” Mikael says harshly, as he holds the sword to his petrified “son’s” neck.

“Is this because I forgot to charge your iPhone, after I used it?” 

Some might say, this is nothing more than an example of Tough Love.  After all, Mikael is a Viking.  He knows how difficult battle can be.  And he’s only trying to keep his family safe, right?  And yet, the way that Mikael seems to take joy in berating and abusing Klaus, so much more than his other children, suggests that there’s a bit more to it than that . . .

Meanwhile, in the present day . . .

“I’m naked right now.” 

“I bet you are.”

Later, after school, Elena is gabbing on the phone with future boyfriend Damon, when Rebekah texts her to pop on over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome for some Girl Bonding Time . . .

Rebekah’s texting now?  Wow, she sure learned a lot about modern cell phone technology during those five minutes she played with an iPhone during “The Reckoning.” 

Elena immediately thinks that Rebekah has changed her mind about giving her the details of her past.  And she MAY very well have.  But first, she wants Elena to help her pick  out a dress for the upcoming Homecoming Dance.  Ahh, now we know that Rebekah is definitely Klaus’ sister.  These two definitely seem to have an almost compulsive need for social acceptance.

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I actually think it’s pretty adorable – in a fairly psychotic way — that Rebekah feels the need to compel what is probably her entire cheerleading squad, sans Caroline, to model prospective dresses for her, when she could just as easily have tried them on herself.

It’s America’s Next Top Model . . . Future Vampire Food Edition!

It kind of reminded me of Cher from Clueless, who brilliantly created that application for her computer that modeled her entire wardrobe FOR HER.

You know, now that I think about it, Rebekah actually vaguely resembles Alicia Silverstone in Clueless  . . . weird. 

Of course, Rebekah is no dummy.  And beneath her supposedly fun and carefree request that Elena help Rebekah pick a “model,” whose dress she will wear for the Big Event, is the subtle threat that, if Elena doesn’t behave, Rebekah could turn her into a mindless zombie, just like she did with these girls, and, then, eventually EAT HER.

Hmm . . . Rebekah seems to prefer eating girls.  Do you think they taste better?

Message sent and received, Elena helps Rebekah pick out a dress (the red one).  Then, Rebekah sends the girls away, compelling them to forget everything they just experienced.  Except, she never instructs the girl in red to remove her dress.  Perhaps, the two girls aren’t the same size?

With the mindless zombies gone, Rebekah then traipses up to Stefan’s room to start delving into Stefan’s underwear drawer, and reading his infamous diaries.  (How very Damon Salvatore of her!)

“You know, I don’t get you two as a couple,” Rebekah begins conversationally, upon seeing a framed promotional still of Stefan and Elena from Season 1.   That’s OK, Rebekah.  Lots of Delena fans don’t get it either. 😉

Haha!  I like these girl talk sessions.  I can’t wait until Rebekah and Elena start gossiping about Damon.

But, alas, it is not to be.  Of course, Buzzkill Elena . . .

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 . . .  just wants to talk Viking History, which sucks, because I really wanted to learn what kind of naughty souvenirs Stefan kept in his closets from his Ripper Days.  (Ripper Stefan seems like he’d be rather kinky, right?)

Anywhoo, with one final warning (and possibly another foreshadowing) that she will only allow Elena to learn what SHE (Rebekah) wants her to learn, Rebekah begins to launch into the story of her past, which I will share with you, in just a bit . . .

Brotherly Drunkenness

“Has anyone ever told you, your eyes are mesmerizing?”

After hanging up with his future girlfriend, Elena, Damon decides to pay a visit to the still locked up, and rather clammy-looking Ripper Stefan.

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When Damon admits to not quite buying Elena’s and Lexi’s Brilliant Ripper Detox plan, Ripper Stefan responds, in what very well be the most insightful remark we’ve ever heard from the character.  “Oh, and we should all listen to Elena, because her plans always work out so well.”

THANK YOU, STEFAN!  I’m glad SOMEBODY finally realized that Elena tends to have the WORST IDEAS EVER, when it comes to defeating the Big Bads . . .

But, hey, look on the bright side, Elena.  At least YOU never hid the moonstone in your soapdish . . .

Never . . . gets . . . old . . . 

Damon too begins to become concerned that Elena’s Magical Mystical Plan is not working, when he suggests that Rebekah might kill Elena, and Stefan seems completely unmoved by this prospect.  “Wow, you really have given up,” says Damon sadly.  “Screw this Lexi plan.  We could both use a drink,” he concludes, easily removing Stefan’s chains.

“I’ll drink to that.” 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my Drunk Damon as much as the next girl.  But, if you recall, Lexi’s Magical Detox Stare from last week, you know that what Damon is doing, is effectively undoing the equivalent of an ENTIRE YEAR of sobriety for Stefan, and all for a single night out on the town.  Bloodaholics Anonymous would, most definitely,  not approve . . .

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Have I mentioned that Damon Salvatore just so happens to be the PERFECT wingman?  While sticking to liquor himself, Damon not only lines up beautiful girls for Stefan to drink throughout the night, he also compels them to forget what happened, once Stefan’s finished.  He even gives them parting gifts of ugly red neck scarves, to wear, as payment for their services.  Not a bad deal, I’d say . . .

“Tell me something, Callie.  Do you COME here often?” 😉  

In a stroke of pure genius, Damon even challenges Stefan to a game of Quarters, during which he sticks to a bottle of bourbon, and his brother drinks the bartender!  It’s cute . . . in a twisted, sort of sadistic way . . .  In the midst of all this, Damon even finds time for a little bar-top dancing, Coyote Ugly style . . .

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(Unfortunately, the song playing in the background is not “Enjoy the Silence.”)

Fun, brotherly bonding aside, I must say, I do have one slight quibble with the notion that Damon can just force Stefan to gorge himself on blood, without the fear of anyone . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . DYING!  By way of example, take a look at this little pictoral representation of the TVD episode, “The Birthday.”

BEFORE:

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AFTER:

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I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t that the entire point of Klaus getting Stefan high on blood, so that, “once he started, he wouldn’t be able to stop?” (How many times have we heard THAT line, this season?)  Now, granted, Stefan’s been “sober for almost a year now,” but a gorge fest like this would seemingly be enough to send any vampire over the edge.  So, why is Stefan “I’m Freaking Hungry” Salvatore suddenly so calm about all of this . . .

Does turning off one’s emotions, also turn off his hunger?  I would think not, or else Klaus probably wouldn’t have done it.  It just seems a bit inconsistent, if you ask me.

Oh well . . . I guess the ever-changing characterization of Ripper Stefan is just one of those aspects of the show, on which its writers and I will perpetually disagree . . . But hey, enough negativity, let’s bring on the Brotherly Love!

Here’s the interesting thing.  Though Damon is clearly frustrated by the fact that his brother has gone Ripper, there’s a part of him, that has wanted to go drinking and dancing, with his usually judgmental brother for decades.  And, now, he is finally getting the chance to do so!  If only Stefan was able to un-douche himself long enough to enjoy it with him!

“I love you, MAN!” 

So, Damon tries a new tactic . . . namely, insulting Stefan’s masculinity.  He rightly tells Stefan, that, chains or no chains, he can never truly be free, if he continues to be Klaus’ b*tch.

And the only way Stefan can break himself of  that is to help KILL Klaus.  Now, the point of this little bar outing becomes clear.  Damon wanted to give Stefan a taste of freedom, to show him exactly what he was missing, while under Klaus’ thrall.

Admittedly, this was a pretty darn impressive plan, especially coming from the Moonstone Soapdish Guy.  Bravo Damon!

“But Klaus, can’t be killed,” whines Stefan, clearly taking buzzkill lessons from his ex.

“Maybe I can help with that,” answers a voice from behind the two brothers.  “The Salvatore Boys, I presume?”

Oh, look!  It’s Vampire Hunter Mikael.

Ruh Roh!

But where’s KAT?  Did YOU eat ALL of her, you PIG?  Did you?   Did YOU?

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Rebekah has launched, head-first, into her family history  . . .

Meet the Originals . . .

Right off the bat, we learn, much as we suspected that the necklace Stefan gave to Elena, back in Season 1, actually belonged to the Original Witch, and that the symbol on the front of the necklace, actually MEANS “witch.”  (How clever?)

I actually think this necklace gets more screentime than Matt . . .

So, here’s the deal about the Original Family.  They apparently emigrated from Europe, after one of their children died from the plague, hearing rumors of a MYSTICAL, magical place where everyone lived longer, and was healthy.  Hoping to spare their children, and themselves, some untimely deaths, the Original Family moved to Mystic Falls, which, at the time, was overrun by werewolves.

The humans and the werewolves lived peacefully, for a time.  But then, one day, Klaus and young Henry snuck out to watch the werewolf transformations, and Henry got eaten, in the process.

R.I.P. Little Henry Original.  We barely knew YE! 

OUCH!  What a way to go!  Now, the Original Family had to accept the fact that, wherever they were, death was inescapable .  . . or WAS it . . .

You see, the Original Family had a witch friend, who knew of a curse, or spell, that could make individuals immortal.  Mikael and the Original Mother, Esther, ask this witch (I think her name is Ayana, or something), to cast this spell on all of them.  However, Ayana refuses to do this, claiming that it will . . . wait for it . . . upset the balance of nature.  (Yet another annoying catch phrase, TVD fans have had to endure for three years, now. ;))

“I have no function in this story, whatsoever . . .”

This means, that Mama ESTHER has to perform the spell.

It’s a pretty cute couple, right?  No wonder all their kids are so hot! 

Oh . . . wait . . . I didn’t tell you, yet, did I?  You see, Esther, i.e. Klaus, Elijah and Rebekah’s mother, is also THE ORIGINAL WITCH!

Since, as far as we know, it is impossible to be BOTH a witch and a vampire (Sorry Bonnie!), Esther was unable to become immortal herself.   (So, instead, she became some ghost thingy, who likes to hang out with Vampire Vicki in the after life.  Go figure!)

As the Original kiddies were never let in on this Grand Plan, to say it was traumatizing for them to be STABBED FATALLY in the stomach by their own fathers, and then forced to drink from one of their neighbors, is probably the understatement of the century.

“Anyone got some stain stick I could borrow?” 

Now, the Originals were vampires, burned by the sunlight, weakened by vervain, and harshly shunned from the werewolf homes, where they once felt so welcome.  They also learned that they could be killed by the same White Oak Tree used in the spell to give them immortality.  So, they burned it . . . (though, clearly, a few stakes covered in the ash from that tree, remain.)

 . . . can prevent Forest Fires, Original Family.  (Smokey the Bear is TOTALLY judging you, right now.)

Also, their chief personality traits were heightened.  Rebekah became more stubborn.  Elijah became more . . . honorable.  (“Yes, I know, that sounds terrible,” she said sarcastically.)  Father Mikael (who, I guess stabbed HIMSELF to make the transition) became more prideful.  And Klaus became more intolerant of rejection.

Now, that’s a face only an Original Witch could love . . . 

So, what’s YOUR most dominant trait? 😉

But something else happened to Klaus . . . something that would doom this family for all eternity.  He started showing werewolf traits, thereby illustrating to Mikael that he wasn’t HIS son, but rather, some random Lockwood werewolf dude who Esther screwed . . . a dude, who, unfortunately we have yet to meet.  Knowing that the existence of werewolf/vampire hybrids in the world would . . . you guessed it . . . UPSET THE BALANCE OF NATURE, Esther puts a curse on her own sun to make his werewolf traits dormant, and then, promptly turns her back on her own son, to appease the increasingly tempestuous Mikael.

This is where the events of the story become a little hazy.  According to Rebekah, despite Esther’s moves to protect her family from Bastard Kid Klaus, her infidelity prompts Mikael to rip out Esther’s heart, while Klaus watches.  (Wow, no wonder Klaus is so effed up . . .)

Hey!  You stole my heart! 

After this happens, the rest of the Original Family, including Papa Mikael, scatters, while Rebekah, Klaus, and Elijah remain behind to bury their mother.  Upon doing this, the three now-orphaned children all hold hands, Ring Around the Rosie-style, and promise to stick together as one, always and forever . . . at least, until the inevitable time when Klaus gets into a fight with one of his siblings, and decides to dagger them for decades.

(Note: We know that Rebekah met the dagger, at least once, back when she chose Stefan over Klaus in the 1920’s.   But judging from her statement, that Klaus was “disappointed by her,” many times, we can also assume that Rebekah had met the pointy end of the dagger prior to the events of “Klaus,” in 1492, as well.  Naughty girl!)

Finished with her story, Rebekah threatens Elena with DEATH, if she ever goes after Klaus.  Fair enough, right?  But wait . . . now it’s Elena’s turn to share some news.  Upon reviewing those cave drawings again, Elena comes upon a set of pictures signifying the death of the Original Witch.

And, according to THOSE pictures, it was KLAUS who killed his mother, as punishment for banishing his hybrid side, NOT Michael.

Elena shares this information with Rebekah, in hopes to secure her help in murdering Klaus.  “He took Stefan’s life.  We have to make it stop,” she pleads.  But, of course, Rebekah is infuriated and extremely distraught by the news, which — though she continues to deny it — on some level, she seems to know its true.

Claire Holt REALLY flexes her acting chops in a major way, in the scene where she lashes out at Elena, in a mixture of fury, and inconsolate sadness.  She pushes the Doppelganger up against the doorframe, as she continues to scream “Shut up . . . don’t talk anymore . . . nothing.”

Now, that’s some seriously close talking! 

At first, I thought Rebekah might have compelled Elena’s voice away, which I suspect she could have, given that she no longer has her vervain necklace (Bonnie recently gave it to Alaric, so that he could study it.)  But the fact that she didn’t makes the whole scene more heartbreaking in a way,  Because it shows that Rebekah is more hurt, than she is angry, having been lied to for centuries by her own flesh and blood, the only person on whom she thought she could truly count.

It’s just so . . . tragic. 

“She’s just a girl, who lost her Mom too young, and loves recklessly and blindly, even if it consumes her,” Elena says of Rebekah, later on in the episode, when she’s discussing her day with Damon (more on that spectacular scene, later).

Though, on the surface Elena and Rebekah might seem very different . . . one is human . . . the other is an Original Vampire . . . one is blonde . . . the other is brunette . . . one is brash . . . the other is more reserved . . . etc., I think the two women definitely found a common ground this week, and learned that they are much more a like than they could have ever imagined.  I’m actually sort of looking forward to seeing this relationship grow and develop in the future.  And yet, a part of me is worried for Rebekah’s life, now that she has proven herself to be such a vulnerable and relatable character.

Here’s hoping you at least live long enough to attend the Mystic Falls Prom, Beks! 

On this show, Vulnerable and Relatable tends to be a death sentence, if you aren’t one of the Big Three cast members.  I hope I’m wrong about this . . .

Meanwhile, back at the bar that is NOT the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

Getting to the “Heart” of the Matter . . .

Everyone seems to have their own tactics regarding “Curing Stefan,” and though he doesn’t know the younger Salvatore Brother particularly well, Mikael might have the best one yet.  Sensing that Stefan might be the key to ascertaining Klaus’ whereabouts, he asks him out right, where the guy is.  In response, Stefan calmly notes that he has been compelled NOT to tell him.

So, Mikael ups the stakes by reaching into Damon’s chest, and literally wrapping his hand around his heart,  threatening to pull it out, if Stefan doesn’t talk . . .

Poor Damon!  Of all the near-death experiences he has had since the beginning of this series, this one is probably the most gruesome, not to mention dangerous.  Stefan initially reacts frighteningly little to the notion that his own brother is about to get his heart ripped out of his chest, causing viewers to wonder just how effectively Klaus HAD succeeded in turning Stefan’s emotions off.  But then, at the last second, he gaves, offering to deliver Klaus to Mikael, thereby saving Damon’s life . . . again.  (PHEW!)

“See, I’m not so bad.” 

Outside the bar, a Happy to Be Alive Damon ribs Stefan for his hidden “brotherly feelings,” and thanks him for saving his life.  “Be careful, Brother.  Your humanity is showing,” remarks Stefan, echoing a very popular promotional poster for the show that was released back in Season 2.

Though Stefan claims to only have saved his brother to secure his OWN freedom, and not because he particularly cares whether the latter lives or dies,  I’m not sure I buy that.  I mean, Stefan WAS seemingly able to fight off SOME of Klaus’ compulsion, in that he directly disobeyed his Master’s order, by agreeing to help Mikael.  So, it stands to reason that, in the context of that fighting, some of Stefan’s love for his brother leaked through his now-hardened heart.

Of course, that doesn’t stop Damon from kicking the sh*t out of his own brother, right there on the street.  Because . . . I mean . . . what’s a brotherly bonding session, without a little brotherly, ass kicking, right?  Man for a supposedly all-powerful, high on blood vampire, Stefan sure does get whacked around a lot, doesn’t he?

“Time for my nap!”

And now for the moment you have all been waiting for . . . if you are an Elena fan, at least . . .

A Bedtime Story

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First, before I do anything, I just have to share this nifty-little Delena-themed chart I found online.  It’s SO PERFECT and spot-on, it’s not even funny . . .

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Now, I’m going to link you to the Bedroom Scene in it’s entirety, because, no matter what I say about it, I suspect I won’t truly be able to give it justice.  Here you go!

So, yeah . .  . as you saw, or didn’t see, Elena arrives home from DAMON’S house, to find Damon cuddling up in HER bed, with HER teddy bear . . .

Though mildly turned on, horny, sexually aroused annoyed by this uninvited intrusion, Elena doesn’t kick Damon out of her bed, as we’ve seen her do in the past.  Instead, she crawls under the covers WITH him

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Well . . . actually, he’s still ON TOP of the covers.  But it’s a start.

(Sidenote:  For those of you out there who are Dawson’s Creek / Pacey / Joey fans, how much did this entire scene remind you of the parallel bedroom scene from “Stolen Kisses.)

“You know you are truly in love with someone when you can spend the entire night just watching them sleep.”   OK.  I just had to put that out there.  Dorky fangirl moment, over . . .)

This is truly a testament to how comfortable Elena feels with Damon . . . that she can unself-consciously get into bed with him, and talk about the events of the day, without experiencing any sort of apprehension or fear that he will take advantage of the situation.

Another sign that the Delena relationship is hop, skipping and jumping, toward romantic bliss is the fact that the usually uber judgmental Elena, doesn’t yell at or lecture Damon for releasing Stefan (She knew he had done it, because he had called her, while it was happening.), as he (and we) fully expect her to do.

When you think about it, this is really the first time we’ve seen Elena GENUINELY trust Damon’s judgment.  After three seasons, she’s finally figured out that Damon’s century and a half of experience with his brother, outranks Elena’s year and a half.  It’s a big step for Elena, who’s always been somewhat of a control freak, particularly where the people she loves are concerned.

And since we are on the subject of big steps,  I simply adore the way Elena turns out the light, while Damon is still in the room . . . an inherent invitation for him to spend the night, which is re-emphasized with her final words to him of, “Can we talk about this tomorrow?”

Yeah . .  . right . . . “talk.” 

Then Elena turns her body toward Damon, and moves her head inches away from his on the pillow (KISS DAMMIT!  KISS! KISS!  COME ON!  SO CLOSE! You are killing me, here!), to say to him, the sweetest thing she has ever said to him, since, “I like you just the way you are,” back in “As I Lay Dying.”

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And here it is: “I think you’re going to be the one to save him from himself.  It won’t be because he loves me.  It will be because he loves you.”  (All together now . . . AWWWWW!)

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Aside from the fact that I think Elena is absolutely RIGHT about this (After all, at it’s core, The Vampire Diaries is a show about the unbreakable bonds of family and brotherhood, just as much as it’s a story about a girl and her love for two vampires.), it was something Damon really needed to hear.  Having always felt like he was doomed to be the brother in need of rescue, Damon has to feel truly heartened by the notion that the woman he loves believe that HE and only HE can save his brother’s humanity.

Oh, and then Damon watches Elena sleep again, which is just . . . you know  . . . AMAZING . . .

And that was “Ordinary People,” in a nutshell.  So, what did you think of the episode?  Were you satisfied by the answers you received about the Original Family?  Were you frustrated by the fact that the only other Original “child” you met, was the kid that got eaten by werewolves?  Do you think Elena is right about Damon being the key link to Stefan’s missing humanity?  And finally, how excited were you to FINALLY get an end-of-the episode Delena scene that WASN’T cockblocked by Alaric, Stefan, Katherine, etc. . .

Oh, and did I mention that next week is the mid-season finale, which means that after “Homecoming,” airs, there will be NO TVD EPISODES until January 12th?

Hiatuses are awful, aren’t they?  Here’s hoping that next week’s episode is action-packed enough to tide us over, during those interminable TVD-less weeks.  You can check out the extended American promo for “Homecoming” here:

And . . . here’s the Canadian one. (Though, admittedly, the sound quality isn’t the best.  So, turn up your speakers.)

Well, that’s all I’ve got, folks.  At least, for now .  . . But be sure to tune in next week, or someone from this show might eat you, and not in the “good way,” either.  Adios, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Unfinished Business – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Ghost World”

“Hi, is this 911?  I have an emergency.  I may have just impregnated a ghost through eye-f*&king.” 

Fangbangers, do you find yourself living hopelessly in the past . . . 2010, to be exact?

Are you still wearing your “Jeremy & Anna Forever” t-shirt to bed every night?

Do you still feel 50% cheated by that scene in “Brave New World,” where Tyler took off his shirt, like a Good Boy . . .

. . . but Mason had to wear that ugly tank top thingy?

“I prefer to call it a Bro, or a Manzierre!” 

Do you still send Damon Salvatore hate mail for whacking Lexi in “162 Candles?”

And, perhaps most importantly, are you the ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET who actually misses the TOMB VAMPIRES?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then “Ghost World” was the episode for you . . .

(Once again, all the awards go to Screencapper Extraordinaire Andre, for all the glorious, non-gif, images you see here.)

Reunited and it feels so . . . burny.

When we last left our good friend, Damon Salvatore, a Ghost Mason Lockwood was gleefully, and invisibly, tossing him around the room, for sh*ts and giggles.

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 This week, the fun continues, as Mason ties poor Damon to a chair with silver chains, takes off his Magic Sunscreen Ring, and lets the sun shine in to La Casa de Rich and Awesome.

“I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened to me . . .” 

“You guys really need to get more creative with your torture techniques, ‘tied to a chair’ is fast becoming as cliched as The Wall Slam.”

Damon’s torture scene is a macabre homage, both to Damon’s torture and subsequent murder of Mason last season, which just so happened to occur, while the latter was strapped to the EXACT SAME CHAIR, and Caroline’s dad’s “Aversion Training” session on his daughter.

“The sun will come out, tomorrow.  Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there’ll be sunnnnnnn.” 

Of course, this time, things are just a little bit funnier, because Damon still has ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA who’s doing this to him.  Enter Ripper Stefan to take advantage of the situation, by poking, prodding and tickling his captured brother.  I mean, that’s just cold . . .

STEFAN: “This is HILARIOUS!”

DAMON: “Laugh all you want, Brother Dearest, but in about 10 minutes, someone is going to do this to YOU!” 

Though we never see it happen, we can assume that either (1) Mason got bored of playing with his new vampire toy; or (2) Stefan finally got up off his lazy bloodsucking ass to help.  Because, mere moments later, Damon is sunburn free, and cruising around Mystic Falls in his hot sports car, looking for answers . . .

“Greetings Blondie . . . Witchy”

Meanwhile, outside La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Mystic Falls is engaging in, SURPRISE, yet another town celebration.  This one is called the Night of Illumination.  I swear, the reasons for these town parties, get more ridiculous every week.  At this rate, next week, we’ll probably learn that someone from the Fell family invented toilet paper, and have a Potty Party, in his honor . . .

Speaking of the Fells’, they do seem to be the one Founding Family that gets the shortest shrift on this show, don’t they?  If Mystic Falls was Hogwarts, the Fells’ would probably be Ravenclaw.  (Oh, and just in case you were curious, the Gilberts are Gryffindor.  The Forbes are Hufflepuff.  And the Lockwoods, of course, are Slytherin.)  I only mention this, because “Ghost World,” marked our first, and last introduction to Tobias Fell, Head of the History Department, and soon-to-be winner of the Senseless Death of the Week Award . . .

R.I.P. Tobster!

Anywhoo, Tobias is waxing poetic about lamps in Mystic Falls, or some other useless crap,  while Ghost Anna is adorably mocking him.

“This guy is going to be so much more interesting, when he’s a corpse.” 

Meanwhile, Jeremy is trying his best not to look like a total freak show, while, at the same time, chatting up and holding hands with his new “Imaginary Friend.”

Alaric is standing nearby, and clearly notices something is up.

“Well, Jeremy may be nuts.  But on a lighter note, I definitely prefer his imaginary girlfriend to his real one.  This one is way less cheesy.”

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However, having been on this show for three years now, he’s long ago learned not to call attention to other people’s bizarre behaviors.  To do so, inevitably causes you to end up with a stake through your heart, burnt to a crisp, or, in the case of Tobias Fell, strung up in a tree, like a Big Ole Bloody Christmas Ornament . . .

We wish you a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Yearrrrrrr  . . . 

Speaking of freak shows, Bonnie and Caroline are having a VERY serious conversation about how Bonnie’s boyfriend might be cheating on him with the female version of Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Caroline, who has clearly watched way too may episodes of Dr. Phil and Oprah, is really pulling for Bonnie to express her anger over Jeremy’s ghostiality.  (It’s kind of like bestiality only with .  . . well, you get the idea.)

And Bonnie is angry.  But she’s also a bit humiliated.  I mean, rejection is hard to take, no matter what.  But when your competition is INVISIBLE, and lacks a PHYSICAL BODY, that’s pretty darn harsh.

Here comes Damon in his swanky convertible.  He’s driving with the top down, of course, because he CAN.   (Oh, the joy of Sunscreen Rings, and vengeful ghosts who get bored of torturing you, before the first commercial break.)

*wipes drool from computer monitor* 

Damon wants Bonnie and Caroline (but mostly Bonnie, because this is SOOOO her fault) to know that he is none too pleased about how SOMEONE’S recent spellcasting, has enabled Mason Lockwood to “break on through to the other side” (That’s a song, right?) and spit roast Damon in his own home.  “When I kill someone, they are supposed to stay dead,” explains the undead vampire, matter-of-factly.

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(Careful, Damon!  I don’t think Alaric would like that remark very much . . .)

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Speaking of people responsible for this mess, Mr. I Did Some Spell to Bring My Sister Back into this World, so She Could Try to Murder My Ex Girlfriend, Matt is listening in on this exchange, and looking more than a bit guilty.

“Uh oh, it’s Bonnie and Caroline.  Maybe if I pretend I’m a ghost, they won’t see me.” 

But when Caroline and Bonnie interrogate him as to his knowledge of the Return of All Dead Characters to This Show, Matty Boy is pretty clueless.  Of course, this is not all that surprising, considering we are talking about a guy who took nearly three years to figure out that most of his friends were no longer human . . .

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Then Bonnie’s bookbag, and her spellbook falls out, which makes me think, she should probably find a safer place to store it.

“Read ME!” 

(Hmm . . . I wonder if ancient spellbooks come in e-reader versions for your Kindle, Nook or iPad.  Witches ARE pretty tech savvy, nowadays.)  The book opens to some specific spell, that Bonnie must immediately go and chant.  It’s time for more Scary Latin Muttering . . . but no nosebleeds.

I’m starting to think Bonnie’s nosebleeds have gone the way of Damon’s occasionally becoming a crow, and Elena actually writing in her diary . . .

Speaking of diaries . . .

Oooh . . . now EVERYBODY can see DEAD PEOPLE!

Elena, Jeremy and Alaric are eating OUTSIDE the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  (I feel like they started shooting OUTSIDE the Mystic Grill, in the hopes that some of us would be fooled into thinking the gang is actually at another restaurant.  But us TVD fans are a wily bunch, and will not be so easily duped.)  Elena is perusing Stefan’s diary, and begging Jeremy to summon Lexi from the dead, so that she can SAVE STEFAN’S SOUL.

“Yes, I do carry around all 2,500 of your diaries, with me everywhere I go.  Do you have a problem with that?” 

It’s interesting how Elena is totally cool with bringing the dead back to Earth, if they save precious Stefan, but not if they (1) make out with Jeremy, or (2) try to roast Elena in Alaric’s car.  It doesn’t work, both ways, honey!

Then Stefan arrives, to taunt Elena about reading his diary, and to make some Damon-y jokes about eating people during the Night of Illumination.  Him and Elena then have THIS exchange, which is, more or less, a variation on the same conversation they’ve had every week, ever since Stefan became Klaus’ b*tch, back at the beginning of the season . . .

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After blowing off Elena’s suggestion,  Jeremy eventually excuses himself to the public restroom, because, apparently, this is where all the cool ghosts, like to hang out.  Of course, Anna is there waiting for him.

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VERY Dramatic Music starts playing the background.  And I’m wondering if there’s a speaker in one of the toilets.  How romantic!  Jeremy monologues about how he doesn’t know how long he’ll be able to play Ghost Whisperer with Anna, but that he simply must make out with her, before the Ghostbusters come, and turn her into a steaming pile of ectoplasm.

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The pair then make out.  It’s pretty awesome, especially because I’m a Jeremy / Anna fan.  But I’m still kind of wishing their first kiss in two years took place somewhere other than a public restroom . . . because public restrooms tend to smell like pee . . .

We then cut back to a number of scenes, in fairly quick succession.  First, there’s Bonnie and Caroline, who have returned to that All Powerful Witch Burning Site, so that Bonnie can conduct the spell her spell book suggested to her.  She starts chanting.  Fortunately,  WE get to leave, before it starts getting too annoying.  “I don’t like this,” says Caroline, when the lights start getting all flickery.

Yeah, we feel ya, Caroline.  We don’t like it either . . .

Meanwhile, INSIDE the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Damon is trying to kiss and make up with Alaric, who’s being all pouty and toddler-like.  “I don’t like you anymore,” huffs Alaric, as he sticks his tongue out at Damon, and blows him a raspberry. 🙂

ALARIC:  “Shhh . . . I’m just playing hard to get, so that he’ll want my Chunky Monkey even more.”

DAMON:  “I heard that, you know!”

ALARIC: “DOH!” 

“But remember when you did like me, and we both conspired to kill Mason Lockwood.   Well, he’s back.  And I think he’s a little pissed off,” Damon replies, offering his ex-bromantic buddy, his best version of the Eye Thing, in hopes of winning his favor.

Elsewhere, Stefan has taken a break from the Ripper / Elena comedy hour, and is off to find his car.

We’re now back in Spellville with Bonnie unfortunately.  At least, she’s finally finished chanting (THANK YOU, WRITERS!)  But here’s the weird thing.  Her GRANDMA is standing next to her . . . as in the same grandma who died casting a spell with Bonnie to open that tomb, back in Season 1.

“Are you up for a game of Ring Around the Rosie, by chance?” 

 (If I recall correctly, Grandma’s death was the plot point that first ended my “friendship” with Bonnie.  After that, she got an ugly haircut, and started hating on vampires, and literally giving Damon a headache, every chance she got.  Now that I think about it, I’m not quite sure I’m thrilled about Grandma’s return.)

But, that’s not all.   Now, Elena has walked in on Jeremy and Anna kissing.

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And she can SEE Anna.

ANNA: “Busted!”

JEREMY: “I swear, Elena, it’s not what it looks like.   Anna just had something in her teeth, and I was helping her get it out.”

ELENA: “With your tongue?” 

Back at the bar, Mason sits down next to Alaric and Damon to do a shot, and break a glass on Damon’s head.

MASON: “Come here often?”

DAMON: “Of course, I come here, often.  This is the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls!  Where else would I go?” 

ALARIC: “Don’t mind him.  I think it’s his time of the month, if you catch my drift.”

And Damon and Alaric can SEE him.  Outside in the parking lot, Lexi has bashed Stefan’s head into a car window.  And HE can see her TOO . . . before he falls unconscious, at least!

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In other words, this sh*t just got REAL!

“I get by with a little help from my GHOSTS”

Back in Spellville, Bonnie is blubbering.  And Grandma is basically telling her to shut the f*&k up, so that the two of them can start cleaning up the MAJOR mess this teen witch has made.  It seems that Bonnie’s act of sending Vicki back to the Demon Dance Club From Whence She Came, has opened some portal between this world and the next, giving basically EVERY ghost with “unfinished business” a free multi-day admission into Mystic Falls.

Since Vicki obtained HER ability to cross over from the Original Witch, and the Original Witch is tied to Elena’s necklace, Granny says that the girls need to get that necklace back, and destroy it, in order to close the portal.   Caroline calls Elena, who’s still in the smelly bathroom, reading Jeremy the riot act for cheating on her friend with Ghost Girl.  Basically, Elena thinks that Jeremy is setting himself up for a World of Hurt, by getting caught up in a relationship with a Dead Girl, that is simply NOT REAL.

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The OBVIOUS IRONY of Elena’s arguably hypocritical statements are completely lost on her, at this point . . .

After rudely leaking to Gossip Girl Caroline the details of her brother’s ghostly smooch, Elena is determined to help Caroline and Bonnie find her necklace, so that she can banish Ghost Girl Anna to the Great Beyond.  She tells Caroline that Damon has the necklace, and then hangs up the phone to stomp out of the bathroom angrily.  (SHE SHOWED THEM!)

“Geez, Ripper Stefan.  When is the last time, you brushed your teeth?” 

But then, Elena runs into Lexi, who’s all about SAVING STEFAN FROM RIPPERDOM through an Aversion Therapy that ALSO seems remarkably similar to what Caroline’s dad put her through, a few episodes back.  Lexi has even locked Stefan up in that same dungeon, where Caroline was once a prisoner.   Now that it’s in HER best interest, Elena is TOTALLY PRO GHOST!  In fact, she even calls back Caroline, to put a stall on the whole “destroy the necklace” thing.

Did I mention that Lexi has magical mystical ghost powers now?  Yeah . . . apparently, all she has to do is stare at Stefan, and his body is painfully leached of all human blood.   According to her, he is now at the equivalent of being “Nine Months Sober.”  Convenient, right?   I guess this is how the writers plan to get around the whole “last time, it took Stefan 30 years to come back to himself.”

Lexi, apparently, is really big on the whole “Tough Love” thing.  She’s stone cold, as Stefan screams in pain, as the veins in his arms and face bulge out, and his body gets soaked in sweat.  In fact, she almost seems to enjoy it!  It takes a real “special” woman to be able to be able to stomach this, even once.   And we know that Lexi has performed this little “service” for Stefan quite a few times, by now.

Among other things . . . 

Elena is having a bit more trouble coping with watching her lover boy in pain.  (Personally, I just wish Lexi had taken off his shirt, before she started.  I don’t know about Stefan, but that would certainly make this experience  a lot more enjoyable for ME!  That was one thing the Tomb Vamps got right!)

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Things get particularly difficult for our heroine, when Stefan starts pleading for her to help him, while claiming that he loves her.  But when Elena doesn’t budge, Stefan’s true Ripper persona shines through.  And he hurts Elena in a way that only he can . . .

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Wow, Ripper Stefan!  Why don’t you tell us how you REALLY feel?

Believe it or not, there’s actually a point to all this angst, and pain, and moaning.  The idea is that by forcing Stefan to feel SOMETHING, even if its hatred, anguish, or a desire to die, Lexi can reawaken the part of him that FEELS.  I’m just wondering what they’ll do when Stefan has to go to the bathroom.  Vampires still do that, right? 😉

Of course, Stefan.  What goes in, must inevitably come out . . . 

Back at the bar, Mason claims he wants an apology from Damon for murdering him in cold blood.  Alaric thinks this is pretty hilarious, and so do I.  Damon’s not really big on the whole “I’m sorry,” thing.  In fact, the only person he EVER really says he’s sorry to, is Elena.  And that’s because he LOOOOOOOOVES her.  But Damon doesn’t LOOOOOOVE Mason, which is why Mason get’s THIS, instead: “I do a lot of things I don’t have to do.  I didn’t HAVE to kill you.”

“I just did it because it was FUN!” 

Mason finds this awkward attempt at apology kind of hilarious, and so do I.  I notice that Ghost Mason, in general, is much more happy-go-lucky guy than his living incarnation.  Screwing Lady Gaga is, apparently,  GREAT for one’s well being. 

Smiley, shiny, happy Mason admits that his “unfinished business” comes from him knowing that Tyler has turned hybrid, and pretty much gone “gay for Klaus.”  Having missed out on “Baby’s first, second, and third werewolf transformation, as well as Baby’s First Taste of Human, Mason is not about to miss another milestone in his nephew’s life.”  When Mason first arrived in Mystic Falls, it was to provide a positive male influence in Tyler’s life.  Since that idea got shot to hell, the least he figures he can do, is kill Klaus, so that Tyler won’t turn out to be a TOTAL EVIL DOUCHEBAG.

“I’m arm wrestling for your SOUL!” 

So, Mason has decided to HELP Damon kill Klaus.  He’s chosen to help his former enemy, because he knows that they have the same goal.

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After all, killing Klaus will not only save Tyler’s soul, it will also save Stefan’s, by breaking the compulsion Klaus has put on him.  Additionally, it will keep Elena from becoming a human bloodbag, for all Klaus’ hybrid minions.  All in all, a pretty good deal, right?

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That being said, part of me wishes Mason actually took the time to TALK to Tyler, and give him some advice, in person.  Because THAT would have been a great scene to watch . . .

Anywhoo, apparently the “tools” to kill Klaus are located where almost everything in Mystic Falls seems to be located, lately . . . the Lockwood cellar.  Damon tentatively follows Mason there.  And just like the rest of us, he can’t help but be a bit skeptical of his former enemies motives, bringing the vampire into a dark enclosed space on property that used to belong to his family.  “You think I’m leading you into a trap, don’t you?”  Mason asks smugly.

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“The thought crossed my mind,” Damon admits.

Mason is FINALLY able to prove to all of us that he’s a Good Guy, when a security system in the Lockwood cellar, shoots Damon’s with large wooden stakes (MAN, this is REALLY not a good episode for Damon, is it?), and the former werewolf, singlehandedly rescues him.  You know, I’m kind of bummed Mason couldn’t stick around longer.  I think he would have made a really nice addition to Team Badass . . .

Further down, in the cellar, however, Damon finds himself unable to pass, because . . . wait for it . . . he hasn’t been “invited in.”

Hottest . . . mime . . . EVER! 

So, Mason continues down the path, by his lonesome, and sees . . . well . . . I’m not going to tell you, yet. 😉

It’s Not in the SOAPDISH!

Hilarity ensues, when Bonnie and Caroline, unable to get in touch with Damon, start tearing through his house, in search of Elena’s necklace.  Caroline makes me literally roll on the floor laughing, when she searches for the SUPER important artifact in Damon’s soapdish, which, most of us remember as the AWFUL hiding place the Elder Salvatore chose for last season’s all-important Moonstone.  Poor Damon!  He’s just never going to live that down, is he?

DAMMIT!  It was ONE TIME!  LET IT GO, ALREADY 

(Again, kudos to the TVD writers, for their adherence to continuity, and their obvious ability to laugh at their own, sometimes inexplicable, plot points.)

Meanwhile, in what is perhaps the LEAST happy of the TVD Ghostly Reunions, Frederick and his Tomb Vamp friends (or, as I used to not-so lovingly call them, the Hidey Hole Vamps), have returned to seek vengeance against the Founding Families, for keeping them entombed all those years.

“We’re BAAAAAAAACK!  Did you miss us?  No?   Well, WE DIDN’T LIKE YOU, EITHER!” 

The Tomb Vamps successfully manage to publicly lynch poor Tobias Fell (Oh, if I lived in Mystic Falls, I would have moved away YEARS ago.  How often do things like this happen here, and no one says anything?), AND crash Carol Lockwood’s car at the Night of Illumination, before SOMEONE finally musters up the courage to stop them . . .

Everyone is in danger of being made into tree ornaments by the Tomb Vamps, but they’d prefer to yell at Jeremy than to  . . . you know . . . run.  When Jeremy calls Bonnie, Caroline picks up the phone, and tells him that, if he doesn’t watch out, he’s going to lose EVERYTHING.  Well . . . actually, he’ll just lose Bonnie, but, whatever.  Then, Elena arrives to chime in.  She turns her ire on Anna, accusing her of holding Jeremy back from having sex with real live human girls.  She also accuses Anna of stealing her necklace, which, so far, no one has found.

Anna denies this, but only because she’s a liar, liar, pants on fire . . .

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Once Elena has left — probably to go moon over Stefan some more — Anna admits to stealing the necklace.   Wait . . . hold up . . . wasn’t the necklace in La Casa de Rich and Awesome, after Damon retrieved it, and returned it to Elena, at the end of “The Reckoning?”

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Man, someone needs to install a new security system in that place, now that EVERY WITCH, VAMPIRE, ORIGINAL, GHOST, WEREWOLF, and their mother can seemingly just walk in, whenever they feel like it.

Anna tells Jeremy that she did this, because she hasn’t found her mother on the Other Side, and she doesn’t want to be alone anymore.

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Then, she gives Jeremy the necklace and starts crying.  But I’m not crying.  Nope, not me.  No sir.  It’s just raining on my face . . . and I have something in my eye . . . Did I mention I was recently chopping onions?

Yeah, so Jeremy heads off to find Bonnie, so he can give her that stupid necklace . . . a piece of jewelry that I only like when Damon uses it to
flirt with Elena . . .

Otherwise, that necklace can KISS MY ASS!

Caroline and Bonnie are driving toward the necklace, when Caroline asks to be let out the car, so that she can kick some Tomb Vamp booty, and save her Possible Future Mother-in-Law, Carol Lockwood from a possible vampiric demise. You GO GIRL!

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“Please hold your applause, until after the recap.”

Without giving even a second thought to the safety of her supposed best friend, who, under normal circumstances would be NO MATCH for the much older, stronger, and more plentiful Tomb Vamps, Bonnie drives back home. (Nice one, WITCH!)

And they all just DISAPPEAR!

Back at Spellville, Jeremy finds Bonnie and gives her the Phantom Necklace, which she promplty tosses into the fire.  More Latin Chanting with Bonnie and Grandma ensues.  “You are stronger than all of this.  I am so proud of you for screwing everything up, as royally as you did this week,” Granny says.

 

They are holding hands.  Then, suddenly, they aren’t.  Grandma is gone.  The portal is closed.

Elsewhere, Mason disappears, conveniently before telling Damon the importance of whatever the f*&k it is he has found inside the Lockwood cellar.  (So much for helping Tyler!  Something tells me Mason’s business is still “unfinished.”  So, the poor guy will probably still be lurking around in Purgatory for awhile . . . hopefully shirtless.)

Lexi disappears too, after hearing from Stefan, how lame it is that she has nothing better to do with her Purgatory time, than to save his life.  He’s got a point.  But Ripper Stefan really has to stop calling his exes pathetic.  It can’t be good for their self esteem . . .

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In the seconds before she vanishes, Lexi reminds Elena that Stefan is still “in there,” so she musn’t give up hope.  Elena nods agreeably, telling the disappearing Lexi that she knows exactly what to do now, thanks to her.  Who knows?  Maybe if Elena turns Ripper Stefan upside down, and shakes him really hard, Good Stefan will fall out of his mouth . . .

Open wide and say, “Ahhhhhh!” 

Anna disappears too, but just before she does, she meets up with her mom, and they hug, vanishing into thin air mid-embrace  All together now, “AWWWWWW!”

 

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Caroline’s kicking Frederick’s butt, when he fades out too . . . bummer.

“Come back!  I’m not done emasculating you!”

After all the Special Guest Stars ghosts are gone, things wrap up pretty fast.  Bonnie tearfully dumps Jeremy’s ass for preferring to make out with the air in the men’s room, than make out with her . . .

“Wait . .  . before you go . . . would you mind taking off your shirt for me, one more time, so I have something to remember you by?”

 Thanks!

Oh, did I mention that after all that hand-holding and chanting the Original Witch’s Necklace (which, according to Lexi, represents Stefan’s LOVE for Elena) . . .

STILL hasn’t been destroyed!

Who would have ever thought that, out of all the vampires, witches, ghosts, and werewolves on the show, the biggest badass of all would be a piece of cheap costume jewelry?

Then, Elena tells Stefan that she is not giving up on him yet, but if he doesn’t clean up his Ripper act soon, she’s going leave his ass to rot in the Torture Chamber.  Then she  .  . . leaves his ass to rot in the Torture Chamber.  But this time, I’m pretty sure it’s only temporary . . .

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“Well  . . . I am getting a stiffy from you leaning over me, and touching my face like that.  Does that count as ‘having feelings?'”

In my FAVORITE moment of the episode, Alaric and Damon finally “kissed” and made up, after Damon called him to explore the Lockwood cellar with him, admitting that, aside from Elena, he had no one else to call. “Sometimes I do things I don’t have to do.  I didn’t have to kill you,” says Damon with a smile, repeating the same pickup lines he used on Mason earlier.

Of course, Alaric calls him on it.  And of course, Damon has a response for that too.  “I didn’t mean it with him,” he says adorably.

I hereby take back all the mean things I’ve said about this sweet Chunky Monkey, since he started fighting with my Damon.  I guess sometimes I do things I don’t have to do, either. 🙂  Oh, and you want to know what Mason saw in the cave that seemed to shock him so much . . . It was . . . wait for it, LAME CAVE PAINTINGS.

Yeah, I was disappointed too.  But, I actually think a history nerd, like Alaric, is going to absolutely eat this sh*t up.  So, more power to him, I guess . . .

And that was “Ghost World” in a nutshell.  I just have one question though.  Where was Useless Jenna in all this?  Are we expected to believe that she had NO unfinished business at all?  Oh, wait, I know!  She was the one who stood at the door of the portal, and told Vicki and the Original Witch, along with all the Evil Tomb Vamps, to just COME ON IN!

It all makes perfect sense now . . . 

Next week on TVD, we get a flashback to the lives of the Original Vampires, BEFORE they were vampires.  And we all know what that means, ELIJAH IS BACK B*TCHES!

You can check out the trailer for the episode here:

By the way, did you catch DAMON DANCING in it?  Can I get a HELL YEAH?

Until next time, Fangbangers . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The Vampire Diaries’ Ripper Redux – Part III (Feeding the Monster Within . . .)

“Who’s next in line to GET IN MY BELLY?” 

“Is it YOU?”

Welcome back, my darling Ripper-aholics!  Thank you for joining us for Part III of The Ripper Redux Chronicles.  Last week on The Ripper Redux, we traveled to Present Day, Mystic Falls,  to observe the first underpinings of Modern Day Ripper Stefan.  This week, it’s back to 1864, where we will learn how Stefan and Damon spent their first few days as vampires . . .

“Dammit, Stefan!  I just had this couch cleaned!  Must you always eat in the living room!”

Ironically, it is during these Darkest Days, that Stefan began to build two tenuous links to his humanity, both of which were destined to chart his fate for the rest of eternity: (1) his own vampire brother, and (2) his tremendous capacity for LOOOOOOOOVE . . .

*clears throat*  Did it just get hot in here?

I’m referring, of course, to the same Ripper Stefan who devoured all but one of Elena’s ancestors for dinner . . .

The Last Gilbert Standing . . . (well, actually, he was pretty much laying down, at the time) 

 . . .  and snacked on a trio of Lusty Ladies of the Night for dessert.  Here was a vampire whose appetite for blood and lust knew no bounds.  It is this Ripper Stefan who we meet in the series of flashbacks shown in Season 2’s “The Dinner Party” . . .

“Could I, perhaps, trouble you for a bib?” 

(By the way, for those of you who missed the two previous installments of this series, worry not!  You can check them out by clicking the links below:

Part I: Click Here

Part II: Click Here 

Bon appetite!)

“I had to turn it off.  It was the only way I could survive . . .”

Setting the Scene: 

Judging you . . .

So much for a romantic getaway!  Tensions between Stefan and Elena reach their height, when Stefan learns that Elena’s “agreement” with Elijah involves her sacrificing her own life to the Original Badass, Klaus (who we later learn is Elijah’s brother).  Elena’s got some ‘splaining to do!  But, as it turns out, she isn’t the only one . . .

At the Gilbert cottage, Elena finds an old diary of her ancestor, Jonathan Gilbert.  In it, he details his 1864 run-ins with then-newbie vampire, Stefan Salvatore.  And some of the things that Jonathan has to say about Elena’s boyfriend aren’t particularly nice . . .

“Damn, that Jonathan Gilbert!  I should have decapitated that Diary-Writing Douchebag, when I had the chance!  Oh, wait . . . that means Elena would never have been born.  Doesn’t it?  Hmm . . . nevermind then.”

Let’s watch the clip, shall we?

(Click the internal link to view.)

Potent Quotables:

Present Day –

ELENA:  “He described you as a monster.”

STEFAN:  “That’s what I was . . . In the weeks after I became a vampire, I relished in it.  I took it to the darkest place I could.”

(And later . . .)

ELENA: “It sounds like you were Damon.”

STEFAN: “I was worse.”

STEFAN (voiceover): “I wasn’t myself then.  I was full of guilt, for what I did to my father, my brother.  I had to turn it off.  It was the only way that I could survive.”

Flashback –

STEFAN: “Damon, don’t be like this.  I’m just having fun.”

DAMON: “Staying ALIVE is more fun Stefan.  We have to be more careful than this, more clever . . . like Katherine was.”

STEFAN: “Look where that got her.”

DAMON: “I’m done here . . . with YOU.  I’m leaving town.”

STEFAN: “You hate me . . . I know . . . an eternity of misery and all that . . . I know . . . But you don’t have to leave town.  Damon, I’ll do better.  I promise.”

DAMON: “No, you will get us killed.  I’d rather leave you to do that to yourself.”

Why this scene is a key moment in Ripper Canon:

 Julie:  The TVD writers have done an extremely good job of taking what we THINK we know about Stefan’s blood lusty past, and repeatedly turning it on its head.  (They will do so again, in the Season Finale.)   In the last scene from “Blood Brothers,” we saw Ghost Emily tell Stefan that his TRUE CURSE would be his inherent good heartedness, and the way in which the pain and guilt of his sins would eat him up inside forever.  Based on Stefan’s facial expression following the exchange, we knew that Emily’s words had a definite effect on him.  However, the effect wasn’t exactly what you would expect . . .

“Screw YOU, Emily!” 

Also, in that episode, we saw Damon wash his hands of Stefan for the role the latter played in his at least-partially unwilling vampire transition.  The Elder Salvatore Brother vowed, right then and there, to make his little brother’s life miserable for all eternity.  The exchange suggested that Damon left town that evening, “turned off his emotions,” and immediately became the Bad Boy Vamp we know and love today . . .

In this scene, however, we learn that wasn’t the case.  Despite his anger at Stefan, Damon, apparently, still felt enough kinship with and brotherly responsibility toward Stefan to stay with him for a few more weeks.  But every relationship has its breaking point.  And THIS was Damon’s . . .

Amy:  Bloodaholic Stefan has the addict behaviors down pat here: the benders, the denial, the pleading when faced with consequences. In this brief flashback we see him slurping away at many a willing victim (“Me! I’m next!” those Civil War belles sure were slutty!) in what is basically a Blood Orgy of sorts.  His growling as he feeds, the girls moans, the seeming pleasure that hunter and prey are both getting off on are as close to S-E-X as TVD is allowed to get away with on the CW . . .

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?” 

Julie:  Ummm . . . I’ll have what she’s having. 😉  Now that you mention it, New Vamp Stefan definitely seems a bit crazier, and more maniacal, than Seasoned Vamp Stefan.  (So much for “not wasting the blood,” and “not making a mess!”)  Having not yet sufficiently mastered the “talents” required to become the cold calculating killer we witnessed in “Miss Mystic Falls,” when Stefan chews on his Victorian Honeys, he seems more in need of a feeding trough and a roll of extra-absorbant paper towels, than anything else . . .

And yet, New Vamp Stefan does share a couple of traits with the Blood-Lusty Stefan of “Miss Mystic Falls”: namely, an enjoyment of killing, and a complete lack of concern for his human victims .  . .

Amy:   Enjoyment of killing, indeed!  Ripper Stefan is having a grand old time doing his Biting Thing, until Wet Blanket Big Bro Damon arrives to compel the Slutty Belles out of La Casa de Rich and Awesome 1.0, and smack some sense into him.

“Come on, Stefan!  We don’t even know whether or not vampires can get STD’s, yet!  Can you imagine having crabs for all eternity?” 

This is where Stefan becomes quite the Little Brother with his rationalizations (No worries about the Founding Families, he’s gonna kill them soon, anyway), whining (that line “Damon don’t be like this, I’m just having fun” is delivered in such a bratty tone), justifying his “weeks” of binging on willing ladies’ necks and putting the Salvatores at risk, by exposing the lie that they survived both human – and vampire deaths.

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Julie: Good point, Amy!  You know, it’s interesting that, in his voiceover, Stefan claims that “turning off his emotions” was his chosen method of coping with his guilt, during those Early Vampire Days.  And yet, just like in “Blood Brothers,” here we see Stefan, once again, become rather emotional, when the Elder Salvatore makes his SECOND threat to leave Stefan alone to his own devices.

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Stefan’s childlike entreaties for his brother to stay with him, (“I’ll do better.  I promise!”), stand in stark contrast, to his monstrous acts earlier in the episode.  Here is an individual who is DEATHLY afraid of being alone with himself, and his own powerfully devastating emotions.  Despite the fact that, during the act of killing, Stefan genuinely seems to be able to effectively turn off his humanity, it always seems to bite him in the ass, immediately after feeding . . . kind of like a bad hangover that just won’t go away.

“I have SUCH a headache.  I’m never drinking AGAIN, I swear!  I’m sticking to bunnies, from now on . . .” 

Amy:  When Damon lays down the law – that he is done with Stefan for good – that’s when the facade of not giving a sh*t and calling the downward spiral he’s on “fun” comes crashing down and Stefan is faced with what he couldn’t face the night he became a vampire: going on without his brother. The desperate tone his voice takes – the way he grasps at Damon as he stalks off – he’s pathetic really.  As Julie notes, he is terrified of being alone with himself and feeling all that he is so anxious to “turn off”. But he also needs Damon with him.

His “turning” of Damon into a vampire didn’t go quite as planned, with the “lifetime of eternal misery” and such.  But maybe he had hope since Damon stuck around that what he did to his brother could be forgiven – OR perhaps he imagined they would enjoy the kind of brutal partnership that we now know Klaus has planned for him . . .

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Julie: I’m glad you brought up the whole Klaus Connection.  I remember watching this episode for the first time, and being EXTREMELY disappointed with the whole “I Stopped Being Bad Stefan, Because Lexi Taught Me the True Meaning of Love” explanation.

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I just thought it was such a cop out, on the writers’ part.  I mean, here we were assuming that Stefan’s Bloodlust was something he battled with, on and off,  for 160+ -some odd years, and then this flashback comes along, which suggests it only lasted 160 some odd hours. 

Now, we see that Stefan DID, in fact, have a “drinking problem,” LONG AFTER meeting Lexi.  In fact, in “As I Lay Dying,” Klaus suggests that Ripper Stefan was alive and well, as recently as 1917.  This, of course, makes things a lot more interesting, as it potentially paves the way for us to see some still-darker flashbacks of Ripper Stefan in Season 3.  It also makes me wonder whether Stefan intentionally misled Elena about the extent of his dark past, in this episode . . .

Amy:  Heck yeah!  Bring on more Ripper Stefan!

The mirror of this scene is at least a dozen others we’ve seen in present day Mystic Falls – in which Damon acts cruel, flippant and ignorant to whatever pleas or demands Stefan is making of him.

To find out that at the beginning those roles were reversed adds yet another layer to the very complicated relationship and history of the Brothers Salvatore. Personally, I hope in S3 we explore more how Stefan thinks himself “worse” than Damon. Was that our first clue that he was less Lexi’s Reformed Vamp Buddy . . .

. . .  than he was the “ripper” of Klaus’ wingman fantasies?

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Julie:  I guess we will have to wait until September 15th to find out, won’t we?

“Damn you, CW!  DAMN YOU!”

HOWEVER . . . speaking of Stefan and Klaus, Part IV of this series tackles Stefan’s jaw-dropping degradation into his Ripper self, at the hands of the Original Were-Vamp, as seen in TVD’s EPIC Season 2 finale, “As I Lay Dying.”  You will be able to find THAT installment over at Amy’s spectacular Imaginary Men blog, sometime next week.

Until then, HAPPY FANGING!

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever – (Now featuring Team Ripper-themed t-shirts!)]

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You say you want a REVOLUTION? – A Recap of True Blood’s “I Smell a Rat”

Why does one bad apple  vampire have to spoil it for the whole bunch?  You see, up until this point on the show, Humans and Vamps?  They were getting along JUST FINE! 

Sure, there was a certain fringe group of humans that weren’t all too keen on letting the vampires play in their Human Games . . .

But they were just a bunch of religious wackjobs.  And no one cares what religious wackjobs think, anyway. 

That was before THIS happened . . .

Special thanks to Carol for this awesome GIF!

Suddenly, those “religious wackjobs” were starting to sound mighty convincing to a lot of people.  As a result, many of our friendly neighborhood vampires found themselves having to take certain “defensive” measures, to maintain the “status quo” . . .  And that was when all the POO really started to hit the fan.

Secrets were revealed, loyalties tested, and plenty of supernatural creatures were forced “out of the closet,” in the process.  In fact, so much went on during this episode, that I don’t even know where do begin.  Wait . . . yes, I do  . . .

Everybody Loves a Good FAIRY tale . . .

After weeks upon weeks of hinting and speculation, Bill finally revealed to Sookie, “her TRUE Nature” (or as Bill calls it, her “Nashahhhhh.”) When she finally finds out, Sookie is less than pleased.  “I’m a FAIRY?  How f*cking lame!”  Sookie gripes.

“Hey!  I resemble that remark!”

You know Sookie, there are a lot of WONDERFUL things about being a fairy.  After all, every time a bell rings, there’s a chance you may get your wings . . .

Oh, that’s angels?  Nevermind . . .

So, anyway, apparently, vampires just go CRAZY for fairy blood!  In other words, to Vampire Eric and Vampire Bill, Sookie tastes something like this .  . .

This begs the inevitable question as to whether Bill loves Sookie for her spunky, mind-reading, big-boobed self, or because her blood tastes like something he would order at Baskin Robbins.  Bill, of course, claims it is the former. 

“It is not your blood I love.  It is the way you scream ‘BEAAAAAAAAAL’ that really makes my heart flutter and my ear drums burst into flames.

Bill begins to wax poetic about how much he LUUUUUUVES Sookie, and wants to protect her for all eternity, and blah, blah, blah.  While he speaks, you can literally hear the violins playing in the background.  Super small ones . . .

When there’s a WILL, Vampire Eric gets his way .  . .

Meanwhile, Eric is at Fangtasia, drafting his Last Will and Testament with a lawyer, while Pam (who is looking FABULOUS, in her smokin hot purple leather dress, by the way) looks on, in not-so-silent protest.

“Let’s see, the rest and residuary of my Estate goes to Pam.  My heart .  . .

. . .and my weiner . . .

. . . belong to Miss Stackhouse.  But to whom shall I leave my crown?

Of course!  Lafayette – a King’s Crown for my favorite QUEEN!”

Vampire Pam is disappointed in her Maker.  It’s not like Eric to just roll over and “play undead,” just because some Big Gay Vampire King is mad at him.  She thinks he’s acting like a total pussy, and tells him as much.  But Eric, convinced he is about to meet his Maker . . .

Yeah . . . that one too, I guess.

 . . .  is determined to make his final arrangements.  He immediately asks SlutBall Yvetta to act as his witness, while he signs the will  . . .

Poor Dumb Yvetta!  She actually believed Eric was going to leave all his fortune to HER, just because the pair had a few good rolls in the coffin.  OK, a few good SIX-HOUR rolls in the coffin, but still . . .

“But you PROMISED!”  Yvetta whines, like the whorish Dancing Baby she is . . .

“I promised you a job and lots of good sex.  That’s all,” insists Eric, causing poor Yvetta to wet her diaper, before storming out in tears.

Out, Out, Damn Spot!

“Dammit!  This is the THIRD shirt I’ve lost to Vampire Guts.  If only there was a way to cope with tough-to-remove stains like these . . .

Thanks Tide!”

When we last left Tara, she was being rescued by Jason Stackhouse . . .

. . . who turned her abusive ex-boyfriend, Franklin . . .

 . . . into THIS . . .

Poor Franklin, if only he could have used his “Mad Texting Skills” to dial 911, things might have worked out differently for him . . .

We love you too, Franklin . . . you creepy psycho stalker, YOU!

Now, Jason, has had SOME experience killing EGGS . . .

 . . . but virtually NO experience, killing VAMPIRES (well, unless you count poor, Vampire Eddie, but that was purely for recreational purposes  . . .)

“Did I ever tell you about this time I drank Vampire Blood and got this massive boner for HOURS?  Good times!”

 So, the elder Stackhouse was, understandably,  a little freaked out . . .

I can’t believe I’ve killed such a brilliant texter!  Oh the lack of humanity!

So, Tara, who is VERY experienced in the art of Vampire Cleanup, takes charge, instructing Jason to pick up Franklin’s guts . . .

. . . dump them in his truck, and drive them FAR FAR AWAY! 

While Jason is handling the first load, Tara takes some time to pay her last respects to the love of her life  . . .

Nothing says loving like a LOOGEY!

“Oh, Tara!  How I’ve longed to taste your spit again!”

Jason and Tara then ride back to Jason’s house, where Fairy Sookie is waiting for them, and looking for some protection.

Sookie Plays Shrink . . .

“I should really charge by the hour for this!”

Poor Sookie!  She came to her brother’s house looking for safety, and some R&R  — after being on the run from vamps, werewolves, and maenads for THREE SEASONS without any breaks.  But NO ONE will let the Poor Fairy rest!  All they want to do is talk her ears off about their petty little problems.  First up is Tara, who wants to give Sookie the play-by-play in her neverending “Why I hate vampires” saga . . .

“He made me wear an ugly dress.  And he was a VERY bad kisser!  It was TERRIBLE!”

Next up was Jason, who inexplicably stayed clothed for the entire episode.  And for that reason, he must be PUNISHED!

“Bad for him.  Good for US!”

Jason finally admitted to Sookie that HE  broke killed Eggs, not Andy.

Take that, recent outbreak of Salmonella Poisoning!

Sookie responds by giving Jason the WORST ADVICE EVER!  “Tell Tara.”

Seriously?  What good could it possibly have served for Jason to tell Tara about Eggs, just moments after she suffered the traumatic experience of watching her abusive boyfriend die right in front of her, AGAIN!

And yet, tell Tara, Jason did, just moments before the fiesty femme was about to give him a Gratitude F*ck, for saving her from being murdered by Franklin.

“See this, Jason?  This is your chances of getting laid during this episode going down the drain . . .”

“Sh&t!  Not AGAIN!”

Tara dashes out of that room, faster than you can say “blue balls.”

Next, Vampire Eric comes to visit Sookie . . . TWICE!

The first time Vampire Bill is there.

The second time, he is in SOOKIE DREAMS!

“Woo hoo!”

Both times, the message is the same.  “Sookie, you want me, and my sexy body . . .

“Who doesn’t?”

 . . . and don’t trust Bill.”

In the first encounter, Sookie more or less blows off Eric.  And yet, she is noticeably distraught, when he not-so-subtly alludes to the very real possibility of him meeting his “final death.”  It is likely Sookie’s anguish over THIS first encounter, that causes her to DREAM of Eric that night.  And that dream . . . well . . . it deserves it’s own BOLD SUBHEADING, don’t you think?

Why aren’t MY dreams like THIS?

Sookie is dozing on the couch, when she awakens to find Eric perched on its armrest, peering down at her.  “Will your blood ever wear off?  I’m tired of dreaming of you.”

“Huh?”

(Hey Sookie, if you ever get tired of dreaming of Eric, I’d gladly take those pesky dreams off your hands for you.  No problem.)

“It’s not just the blood.  You KNOW you have feelings for me,” whispers Eric, as he leans in closer.

“Ew,” replies Sookie, but her rapid breathing, and “f*ck me” eyes  say something else entirely.

Dream Eric then leans in and kisses her gently.

In spite of herself, Sookie closes her eyes and moves in closer.  “You know you like this,” probes Eric, kissing the side of her neck, “and this,” he continues, kissing the front of her neck.  “And you know you can’t trust Bill.  That’s not my blood talking.  It’s your survival instinct,” concludes Eric, as he leans in to bite Sookie’s neck. 

Sookie sighs in ecstacy, and then (unfortunately) wakes up with a  start.  She HAS to go see Eric to engage in a hot six-hour sex session with him find out why he said he was about to die, and she can’t trust Bill.

Hallelujah!  Dreams CAN come true!

NOT a DREAM!

Sookie sneaks out from the “grounding” Papa Bill Compton enforced on her, and heads off to Fangtasia to visit Eric.

Time for dessert!

Sookie begins the meeting with all intentions of talking business, but Eric is much more interested in enjoying the Sookie Stackhouse Tongue Special, for his “Last Supper.”  Eric moves in close to Sookie, invading her personal space with gusto, just like he does in ALL of my favorite scenes, “If I meet the true death without at least having kissed you, Sookie Stackhouse, it would be my biggest regret.”

SQUUUUEEEE!

“That’s what I did during this scene!”

“Why does it sound like you are saying good bye,” whispers Sookie.

“Because I am,” responds Eric mournfully.

And then he leans in . . . and kisses her .  . . for REAL!  And guess what?  She KISSES HIM BACK!  And I’m not talking that peck on the lips, “I’m just humoring you, but you really remind me of of my grandpa,” kissing, either.  I am talking REAL, HONEST TO GOODNESS MAKING OUT, complete with arms fondling backs, and bodies squeezed tightly together like two halves of a delicious peanut butter sandwich.  In short — It’s the moment Sookie and Eric fans have been waiting for.  And it. is. AWESOME!

But then Pam (who I usually adore, but not today) has to come and screw it all up.

Pam implores Eric to either give Sookie up to Russell, or USE her, to save his own life.  (Note: There was some talk earlier in the episode, of Sookie’s blood permitting vampires to walk in the sun.  However, Bill assured Eric that the effect was only temporary.)

In the final scene of the episode, Eric shocks all of us, by carrying Sookie into a dungeon (the same one where he held Lafayette prisoner during the early part of Season 2), and chaining her to a wheel, by her neck. 

Who knew Eric was so into S&M?

Sookie immediately concludes that Eric has betrayed her.  But has he?  Or is he just doing this to save HER life?  Only time will tell . . .

Tommy Makes His Move (But So Does Hoyt!)

Back at Merlotte’s, our favorite Baby Vamp and Teen Shapeshifter are working HARD, and getting dirty together on the floor . . .

 Mmmmm, KINKY!

Unfortunately, Arlene the Ass isn’t helping them AT ALL!  Instead, that b*tch is  watching TV . . .

And who’s on the tube, you ask?  It’s Looney Tunes Hatemonger, Steve Newlin, of course!

For those of you just tuning in, Steve Newlin was one of the main villains of True Blood‘s Second Season.  He is the leader of a Vampire Hate cult called the Fellowship of the Sun.  The oddly charismatic Steve even briefly indoctrinated Bon Temps own Jason Stackhouse into his Sick Sad Cult World . . .

Fortunately, however, Good Ole’ Jason couldn’t keep it in his pants, as per usual . . . And when he started doing the horizontal mambo with Steve’s wife, Sarah . . .

 . . . Steve decided he didn’t want Jason in his little club anymore.

So, anyway, Arlene is busy not-cleaning, and watching Steve Newlin peddle his hate, when she suddenly blurts out, “It was only a matter of time before one of y’all got caught on film.”  (“Y’all” obviously referring to Jessica and the rest of her vampire kind.) 

OH NO, she DIDN’T!

Well, needless to say, Jessica doesn’t like that comment very much . . .

OK.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I loved this scene.  But the whole “Vampire gets mad and pushes the bad guy (or girl) against the wall, super fast” thing?  It happens EVERY SINGLE EPISODE.  And it’s getting kind of old.  Why can’t they just drop kick the bastards, and be done with it?

Apparently, Jessica has a little something she wants to say to her Good Ole Pal, Arlene.  “OK.  We get it.  You don’t like vampires.  Well I don’t like narrow minded skinny bitches with bad dye jobs.  But at least I’ve got the courtesy to keep my mouth shut about it . . . most of the time,” seethes the  Baby Vamp.

Meanwhile, Tommy, who has been watching this entire exchange take place, is clearly turned on . . .

“Damn!  This is better than the porn I watched on PayPerView last night, and charged to Sam’s credit card.”

“You don’t think he knows, do you?”

After Arlene scampers away, like the whiny coward she is, Tommy moves in for the “kill,” telling Jessica how hot her fangs and rage issues are to him.  But Jessica is still hung up on Hoyt, and she tells Tommy as much.  “Then why are you here with me and not him?”  Tommy asks, with surprising amount of bravado, seeing as Jessica has given him NO REASON whatsoever to believe she’s interested.

“If you want my body, and you think I’m sexy, come on Vampire let me know!”

“Because this is my shift.  Duh!  Because Hoyt is too good for me,” Jessica pouts.

Never much for self-respect  (You know what they say about lying down with dogs, after all .  . .), Tommy responds, “But I’m not too good for you.”

Then, Jessica leaves his ass.  BURN! 

Ummm, Tommy.  I have a book recommendation for you . . .

Meanwhile, Hoyt is in the car with a VERY HORNY Summer .  . .

Summer is ready to do it with Hoyt, because she thinks screwing him will save their dead-in the-water relationship.

“I have a mouth like a hoover, if that helps!”

To Hoyt’s credit, he doesn’t enjoy his Summer.  Instead, he grows some balls, and finally kicks the antiquing, porcelain doll collecting, freako to the curb.

“Does this mean no more biscuits?”

Immediately after ditching Summer, Hoyt rushes to the bar to profess his love to Jessica!

But she once again blows him off . . .

When Hoyt storms out, Tommy rushes after him, to rub salt in his nemesis’ wound .  . . so Hoyt decks him.  Then Tommy turns into THIS . . .

. . . and attacks Hoyt.  (Ummm . . . weirdest fight over a girl, EVER!)

When Jessica comes outside, and sees Hoyt being attacked by Doggy Tommy, she easily tosses him into the trees, like he’s a random piece of dust that got on her shirt.  It is the coolest thing EVER! 

 (Another note: It’s uncertain at this point, whether Jessica KNOWS what Tommy is.  Perhaps, she just thought Hoyt, was being attacked by some random mangy mutt.  Perhaps not . . .)

As Naked Tommy looks on sadly from the bushes, Jessica tells Hoyt she loves him too.  She then forces him to drink her blood, to heal his Tommy bites.

Awwww yeah!  It’s only a matter of time, before these two are de and re-virginizing eachother regularly once again.  And I for one, couldn’t be happier . . .

I’m sorry, Tommy!  I know things haven’t exactly been easy for you during this episode.  Fortunately, however, I have something that is sure to cheer you right up . . .

You’re welcome!

Sam Merlotte Gets “Lost”

While Tommy was busy getting beat up by a girl and rejected, his dog partner in crime, Sam, was equally busy altering his entire personality from the past three seasons — by snapping at everyone, drinking heavily, and experiencing flashbacks.  Since when did Sam Merlotte become Sawyer from Lost?

“Is this another Flash-Sideways?”

Just like a certain, Flight 815 survivor, apparently Sam Merlotte was somewhat of a con artist in his “past life.”  In fact, he made most of his cash by robbing banks and jewelry stores, using his shapeshifting abilities to sneak in and out unnoticed.

“And to think, all this time, I’ve been relying on my good looks and great abs to get me in the door . . .”

In Sam’s little flashback, he seems to have a girlfriend . . .

Yeah, bye bye is right, b&tch!

The girlfriend is played by Arielle Kebbel.  And if you know the actress, you knew the character was a goner, the moment she appeared on screen.  After all, Arielle bears the dubious distinction of being the girl who’s character gets tragically killed in EVERY SINGLE supernatural TV show or horror movie in which she is featured . . .

This is DEAD Arielle Kebbel in The Vampire Diaries.  Believe it or not, she actually played a VAMPIRE in that one . . .

Anyway, apparently, Arielle (or whatever her name was in the episode) was only using Sam, so that she and her boyfriend could get his money and booty .  . .

 . . . runoff, and live Trashily Ever After.  When I heard this, I couldn’t help but be reminded of another blonde brat who tried to do the EXACT SAME THING to the man who loved her . . .

Yeah . . . her.  Apparently, it was LOST Day on True Blood . . .

So, b&tchy Arielle and her beau escape with poor Sam’s moolah, while Sam lies writhing on the floor, plotting his revenge.  He gets it the next night, when he arrives in dog form at the couple’s campsite.  (Really?  A campsite?  All those jewels and cash, and these two couldn’t afford a hotel?  What gives True Blood?)

So, Sam morphs back into human form, and holds a gun at Bad Boyfriend’s head . . .

Sam then knocks the dude unconscious and waves the gun over his prone form.  Then Arielle takes out a gun and holds it at Sam’s head.  Not thinking clearly, Sam instantly shoots his so called lady love dead.  In anguish, he then shoots the boyfriend to cover his tracks, and leaves the campsite. 

AHA!

So, NOW we know why Sam was on the run from the cops during the first season!  It all makes sense now!  I just wonder why he never got around to changing his name, seeing as “Sam Merlotte” may or may not still be wanted for murder . . .

Speaking of Murderers .  . .

Arlene FINALLY tells Terry that the baby in her belly is not his, but rather Evil Rene’s.  And you know what?  Terry is AWESOME about it . . .

He offers to raise the baby as his own, and give it so much love, it can’t possibly turn evil.  (Awwww, I heart HIM!)

And yet, Arlene STILL wants to get rid of the baby.  So, she asks her new “Wiccan” friend Holly to help her out in this regard.

Arlene is a total Poopyhead!

In fact, that’s what I think I will call her for the rest of the Season .  . .

Have a nice trip, boys!

Lafayette’s and Jesus’ story this week, started with a miraculous rescue . . .

 . . . and ended with a “trip” that looked like a Disney World ride . . .

“Hey, isnt that the old hag from Snow White?  Weird!”

It all started when Trailer Trash Barbie . . .

  . . . Crystal, along with Jesus . . .

 . . . and Lafayette were driving around with a half-dead Calvin Norris in the backseat.  Since there didn’t seem to be any time to get to a hospital  (And lets face it, with the exception of Jesus, NONE of those folks have an ounce of health insurance.), Lafayette decides to take the whole gang to his house.  There, he feeds Calvin some of that vampire blood he has been dealing.  Calvin heals almost immediately, but then disowns his daughter for letting two gay guys feed him V.  Talk about ungrateful!

“Them f*ckers is a WHOLE NEW DIMENSION of trash!”  Lafayette muses. 

Trash . . . the final frontier.

Alone again, Jesus, who despite being all holier than thou, and “I can’t date a drug dealer,” just episodes earlier, begs Lafayette to take V with him. 

Remembering how much he LOVED the stuff last time . . .

 . . . Lafayette agrees, and the two have this weird theme park-esque tripping sequence, where they proceed to tell eachother about their family roots, both of which seem steeped in freaky voodoo-type magic.  But the absolute weirdest hallucination of them all was THIS GUY . . .

Apparently, Jesus has an evil grandfather of some sort.  (Hope his name isn’t Judas . . .)

And finally . . .

Bat sh*t crazy Russell . . .

 .  . . picked up some random male prostitute, holed up with him in a random hotel, and talked to him as if he was Talbot, before staking him.

“Oh, Russell!  This is BEYOND offensive!  I am WAY cuter than this guy!  And you did it in a seedy motel, with COTTON sheets instead of silk.  If my guts weren’t trapped in that vase of yours, I’d be ROLLING OVER in my grave!”

Oh, and I almost forgot . . .

After Jason uninvited Bill to his apartment, because Bill gave him WAY TOO MUCH crap for accidentally letting Sookie, a GROWN woman, escape, Crystal . . .

 . . . snuck into Jason’s house, and revealed herself to be one of THESE . . .

Watch out Tara, I smell a CAT FIGHT in your future . . .

So, there you have it folks, another spectacular installment of True Blood is in the can.  Can you believe there are only two episodes remaining, before we bid this fabulous Season adieu?

 [www.juliekushner.com]

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