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This Used to Be a Funhouse (But Now it’s Filled with Evil Clowns) – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Monsters in the End”

Betcha can’t guess which one is the Evil Clown?

(By the way, the title of this recap was brought to you by a fabulous little song, entitled “Funhouse,” by the one and only, Pink.  To “get in the mood,” feel free to enjoy it here.  But, those, like myself, who suffer from Clown Phobia, be warned.  There ARE Evil Clowns in the music video . . .)

Hey there, my Pretties!  This week’s installment of Pretty Little Liars was not for the faint of heart.  In fact, it was pretty downright terrifying!  No matter what scares you, be it clowns, closed spaces, creepy stalkers, having to wear a BAG over your head, or . . . MONA . . .

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 . . . chances are there was something in this penultimate hour of PLL’s first season that made you want to SCREAM!

So, are you ready to relive the fear?  Let’s get on with the recap . . .

“I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me.  (And I Have No Privacy.)”

The episode opens with a REALLY grotesque looking life-sized clown being dragged away on a gurney.  Surrounding that clown are about four other equally evil-looking clowns, including THIS GUY . . .

Yes, boys and girls.  Garrett the Police Boy spends the ENTIRE episode lurking in the background, watching our Pretty Little Liars navigate the slings and arrows of being tortured by “A.”  And if he didn’t look about 15-years old, this would make him a TOTAL pedophile (Because we don’t have enough of THOSE on this show!).  But since he DOES look 15, and IS wearing uniform, we can chalk this up to Little Garrett just being REALLY good at his job (and REALLY needing to get laid . . . like . . .  BIG TIME!)

Anyway . . . as Garrett watches amorously from a nearby window, our PLL’s enjoy coffee at one of their favorite hangouts.  Unfortunately, it’s not all fun and games.  Our fabulous foursome has important business to discuss, like Evil Blind Jenna, and her bizarro alliance with Hot Male Ho Caleb. 

The girls decide that someone needs to talk up Caleb, and figure out why Evil Blind Jenna was so interested in stalking them.  (Isn’t EVERYBODY on this show interested in stalking the PLL girls?)  Emily and Aria suggest they tag team ambush the boy (kinky!).  However, Hanna reluctantly admits that, if anyone should be getting information out of Caleb, it should be the girl who’s taken an extended vacation inside his boxers  . . .

“Got a secret?  Can you keep it (in your pants)?”

As the girls are leaving the restaurant, Spencer stops to stare out the window.  She is certain (and rightfully so) that the girls are being watched.  Unfortunately, for Spencer, the rest of the PLL’s stopped listening to her paranoid rantings, ever since she started making THIS FACE all the time . . .

As we will soon find out, Aria, in particular, should have heeded Spencer’s warnings . . .

Why You Should Always Password Protect Your Computer . . .

I have a question for you ladies out there.  When you first start crushing on a boy, or, at least, before you start dating him, aren’t Googling him, and checking out his Facebook page two of the FIRST things you do to “get to know him better” and “confirm he’s not a serial killer?”  I mean, SERIOUSLY!  I find it REALLY hard to believe that Aria has been dating her Fitzy for ALL THIS TIME, and has never even thought to look him up on Facebook.  Then again, this is the girl who accidentally sent a SEXT to her OWN mother . . .

Speaking of Aria’s mom, I know I’m usually kind of hard on her in my recaps, due to the almost obscene level of SHEER BORINGNESS that surrounds her relationship with “Byron,” and my irrational anger at having to be subjected to it, week after week.  Nonetheless, I must admit, Mama Montgomery was responsible for what was arguably the most hilarious PLL scene of the week. 

So, yes, I guess it WAS understandable that Aria’s mom, upon seeing Caleb talking intently to Aria about Hanna (more on them later), would assume that Caleb was Aria’s “secret boyfriend.”  What wasn’t quite as understandable was the ridiculously HILARIOUS way in which she reacted to this false news . . .

OK.  WHAT THE HELL IS THAT FACIAL EXPRESSION??  Did I miss the episode where Ella Montgomery became a blood-thirsty vampire?  She looks insane!

And while I do agree with Ella’s assessment that Caleb is “cute,” I highly doubt that, as a teacher at that school, Caleb’s reputation as a “con artist” who is “always in detention” and “got caught living in the school library” would have escaped her knowledge.  (I guess ignorance runs in that family.)  Then again, if Ella had a choice, she would probably rather Aria be dating Juvenile Delinquent Caleb, then the person she is actually dating . . . the one who Aria impulsively spilled coffee all over to prevent her mother from seeing them talking in the hallway . . .

“Ohhhh no!  You have a big brown coffee stain on your crotch!  Please, let me wipe it off very slowly with a napkin, while my mom watches . . .”

This, of course, brings me back to my main story.  Aria arrives at Fitzy’s house early, while he is still at school.  While there, she “accidentally” knocks into his laptop.   And, because he was not smart enough to password protect it (stupidity is apparently contagious on this show), and because he has left it on ALL DAY with his Facebook page wide open, Aria finds THIS PICTURE . . .

Who the f*&k is JACKIE MOLINA?  (Maybe SHE’S A!)

That’s right, my Pretties!  Apparently, “Jackie Molina” and Fitzy used to “lick one another’s Gelato,” back in the day!  And they did it in ITALY, while she was wearing HIS ENGAGEMENT RING!

Oh Fitzy!  You’ve got some ‘splaining to do!

I love the other PLL’s reactions, when Aria comes clean to them about inadvertently cyberstalking her English teacher boyfriend!

“What was his status update?  Ezra Fitz has joined the Mark Twain Fanpage?”  Spencer snarks.

Fitzy likes this (and so do his four wives in Western Europe).

Make a fake profile, friend Jackie, get to him through her, and NAIL HIS ASS TO THE WALL,” a recently betrayed (and obviously still VERY BITTER) Hanna exclaims, when she learns about Fitzy’s possible “Double Life.”

And with Hanna’s help, Aria does exactly that . . .

But when “Jackie” eventually accepts fake-Aria’s friend request, Aria can’t bring herself to go through with it.  So, she rents a WHOLE LOTTA Big Love DVD’s (Yay polygamy!) and rushes to her boyfriend’s apartment, to get information straight from the Fitzy’s Gelato-licking mouth . . .

Now, I hate to say it, Ezria fans, but I found Fitzy’s explanation about Jackie, a bit lacking in the credibility department.  Was I the only one?  According to Fitzy, he was engaged to Jackie, back when the pair were finishing up college, which had to have been at least three or four years ago.  He proposed to her in Italy.  She said “yes,” at first . . . and then she said “no.”  And yet, “Jackie” not only KEPT THAT PICTURE on her Facebook profile, but she, VERY RECENTLY, TAGGED her supposed ex- lover in it, so that it would appear at the top of Fitzy’s “recent updates” page. 

Isn’t that kind of a dick thing to do:  rub your botched engagement in the face of the dude you spurned. after over two years of dating?  I mean, seriously!  What is wrong with you, “JACKIE MOLINA!”

Issues of reality aside, Fitzy insists that Jackie is his past, and Aria is his mid-life crisis future.  And because they aren’t able to take normal “coupley” pictures together, for obvious reasons, Aria and Fitzy decide to pose for a picture that they WON’T be embarrassed to show their friends . . .

Ummm . . . yeahhhhhhh . . . the only thing that would make this Bag Head picture more disturbing, would be if Aria had cut “mouth holes” out of the bags, so that her and Fitzy could be photographed “licking eachother’s Gelato.”  (Just imagine the paper cuts!)

Bag Head Photographs preserved for posterity, Aria suddenly has to bolt (more on that later).   The problem of course, is that SOMEONE saw her leaving . . .

Oh Fitzy!  You have some ‘splaining to do  . . . AGAIN!

In the final scene of the episode, a mysterious gloved hand removes the hide-a-key from under Fitzy’s welcome mat (SERIOUSLY FITZY?  You might has well have just left it in the DOOR!), and sneaks inside, under cover of night.  Hide your Bag Head, Ezra Fitz!  Because you are about to be in some SERIOUS trouble, Mister!

Speaking of boys in the dog house . . .

Another One Bites the Dust . . .

Goodbye Caleb!  (For good?)

As promised, Hanna approaches Caleb to ply her whorish ex boyfriend for information about Blind Jenna.  To his credit, Caleb seems pretty darn remorseful about what he has done.  Then again, sleeping on a park bench for two days would be enough to make anyone “remorseful.”  (Not to mention REALLY smelly!)

Hot Male Ho Caleb confesses to Hanna that Blind Jenna paid him a lot of money to locate a “key”  that she believed that Ali had given one of the girls before she died / was murdered.  “I miss you,” Caleb whines, after providing Hanna with some useful, if maddeningly vague, intel.

“Yeah, well . . . you’ll get over it,” Hanna replies, before stomping off.

Caleb then stops by Hanna’s house to give a letter he has written for her to Hanna’s mother.  You see, Caleb is heading off to “Arizona,” and the letter is meant to tell Hanna “goodbye.” (I hear they have really nice park benches to sleep on in Arizona!) 

In hindsight, had Hanna’s mom accepted the letter, things might have gone very differently for Caleb and Hanna.  But noooooo . . . Hanna’s mom’s heart had softened toward Caleb.  And she wanted him to go to the “Founder’s Day Carnival”  to say goodbye to Hanna in person.  (First The Vampire Diaries, now Pretty Little Liars?  Is my town the only town that doesn’t have a Founder’s Day?) 

“Hanna doesn’t need any more men in her life leaving, without saying goodbye like, for example, every other boy on this SHOW!”  Mama Marin instructs.

So, Caleb heads on over to Founder’s Day, where he runs into .  . . the terrifying . . . the horrific . . . the vomit-inducing . . . MONA!

Can they just MURDER this chick, already?  Seriously!  Just looking at her makes me want to break my television . . .

Because Hanna won’t talk to him again and because he’s a TOTAL MORON Caleb gives his very personal letter to Mona, so that she can give it Hanna, on his behalf.  So, of course, the minute Caleb walks away, Mona starts reading the letter.  Not liking what it says (Because she wants Hanna all to herself?), Mona proceeds to rip the darn thing up, over the trash . . .

She then pours her soda all over it.  Now, if Mona was a normal human being, we would never be able to learn the contents of that letter.  Fortunately, for us, however, Mona is NOT a normal human being.  Rather, she is a strange alien life form, who’s hands are like delicate scissors, and who’s mind is like cottage cheese.  So, when she rips up Caleb’s letter, she does so in a way, that makes the whole thing STILL COMPLETELY LEGIBLE.  And then, when she pours soda on the letter, she only pours it on the outer rim, so that NONE of the words are obscured . . .

Seriously!  Who rips paper in perfect straight lines like that?

When Hanna returns and asks Mona what she was talking to Caleb about, Mona lies through her ridiculously large, eye-gougingly white, beaver teeth, and tells her that Caleb was merely asking for change.  So, later, when Aria and Hanna spy Caleb waiting on line to board a bus to Arizona (a bus that is conveniently parked RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOUNDER’S DAY CARNIVAL), Hanna turns down Aria’s suggestion that she rush over and say goodbye.  And, of course, back at home, Hanna’s mother, though openly admitting that she was “wrong” about Caleb, never mentions the letter he had written for Hanna.  (Because, like I said, stupidity is contagious on this show!)

Sorry Hanna!  It’s really not your fault that everyone around you, is either dumb or evil!

Meanwhile, somewhere deep in the PLL Lost Boy Vortex, Lucas Gottesman is pumping his fist in triumph . . . Lucas and Hanna . . . it is SO ON . . . again  . . .

Source

(Hey, check out the cardboard cutout of President Obama in the lefthand corner of this GIF!  RANDOM!)

Speaking of dorky, but surprisingly adorable, couples that seem to be in for the long haul . . .

Spencer and Abs Toby Sitting in A Tree H-U-M-P-I-N-G . . .

This is the number of times Spencer and Toby are going to SCREW, after this episode is over . .  and that’s just tonight!

Every teen drama has it’s Romeo and Juliet.  This is a couple who are constantly being kept apart from one another, by their family and friends.  A couple that must battle extraordinary forces to stay together  . . . forces like b*tchy sisters, and creepy pedo brothers-in-law, and funhouses that LOCK, and, EVIL CLOWNS! 

When the episode begins, Spencer’s mom and sister tell Spencer that she can’t PLAY DOCTOR Scrabble with Abs Toby anymore .  . .

Just in case you forgot the rationale behind the nickname . . .

They believe that, by associating herself, with the OTHER known suspect in Ali’s murder, Spencer will only make herself look more guilty to prospective jurors.  Instead, they think she should attend the Founder’s Day Carnival, so that she can “integrate into the community.”  When Spencer runs outside to see Toby, she learns that HE is not supposed to see HER either, because HIS family thinks she framed him for Ali’s murder . . .

The pair silently (because Blind Jenna is nearby) agree to meet at the Founder’s Day Carnival .  (Riiiight, because NO ONE will know you are together, if you hang out at the BIGGEST TOWN EVENT OF THE YEAR!  Apparently, even the two smartest characters on this show are not immune to the Stupidity Epidemic, spreading like wildfire around this town.) 

At the Carnival, Creepy Pedo Ian threatens Spencer for the 85,000th time this Season.  And Spencer catches Creepy Pedo and Melissa in a not-so-little white lie.

As it turns out, Melissa is pretty clueless about the layout of the Hilton Head hotel, where she supposedly aborted her FIRST baby with Creepy Pedo Ian a year ago.  This means it’s possible that Creepy Pedo DID spend a weekend in the hotel with Ali shortly before her death, as the PLL girls initially suspected.  But, then, why would Melissa cover for him?  Verrrrry interesting!

Spencer then gets a text from “Toby” who wants to meet her in the “Fun House,” which, pretty much seems like the least romantic meeting spot ever!  But Spencer goes anyway.  And, let’s just say, she doesn’t have that much “fun” there . . .

If Spencer entered the Funhouse hoping to get felt up . . . she got her wish.

Hey, did you know that, in addition to her other talents, which, include, among other things, having impeccable text message timing, and being able to insert messages inside fortune cookies, “A” is also a Master Graffiti Artist?

The question is:  Who, aside from Ian, Melissa, and Blind Jenna, would want Spencer to “shut up?”  She hasn’t really incriminated anyone else . . . lately . . .

Anyway, Spencer wanders off into a deserted corrior, and ends up trapped in the dark.  In short, it’s every claustrophobic’s nightmare come true!  (Like I always said, “A” CLEARLY hates Spencer and Hanna THE MOST!)

Spencer screams at the top of her lungs, and cries continuously.  But no one seems to hear her.  Then, suddenly, she hears the walls literally crumbling in front of her.  And then she sees THIS . . .

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  It’s CREEPY PEDO IAN with a HOOK FOR A HAND!  HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLP!”

So, Ian is Spencer’s HERO?  HE’S the one who RESCUED her from the Funhouse?  WTF?

Surprisingly, Creepy Pedo assumes the role of the “Good Brother-in-Law” quite well in this scene.  He’s actually fairly convincing, when he’s yelling at the carnival attendees, for allowing his baby-sister-in-law to become trapped in that way.  And yet, I’m still not 100% sure that neither he or Melissa were the ones that trapped Spencer in there, in the first place.  But, for now, I will give the pedophile the benefit of the doubt.  Because I’m kind and generous like that . . . 🙂

After her “brush with death,” Spencer decides that she will no longer live in fear of public opinion.  Life is too short to not play doctor with Abs Toby, dammit!  And, so, when Spencer’s current Flavor of the Month magically appears at the carnival (WAY LATE, MIND YOU!) Spencer, rushes over to him, and begins to “lick his Gelato,” in front of her WHOLE family . . .

Be jealous, Creepy Pedo Ian!  Be VERY JEALOUS!

It’s just you and your hook for a hand, TONIGHT!

Speaking of people Spencer has made out with . . .

I FINALLY FOUND WREN A.K.A. JULIAN MORRIS!  He’s on TWITTER!  And FACEBOOK!  And HAS HIS OWN WEBSITE

Life is GOOD AGAIN!

OK .  .  . back to the show . . .

Paige . . . You’re FIRED!

Silly Paige!  Don’t you know that everybody on this show, except Aria, gets a new love interest, every three episodes?

Emily’s storyline was a tad redundant this week.  Once again, Paige offered to be Emily’s “girlfriend.”  Once again, she contemplated “coming out.”  This time, the plan was for Paige to meet the head of some Gay Pride Association from a neighboring school, at a coffee shop,  so that she could figure out how to come out to her dad.  Paige asked Emily to accompany her to this “outing.”  Emily agreed.  But when she got there, Paige had bailed, leaving Emily and the modelesque “Samara” to flirt shamelessly with one another, and make plans to meet at, where else, the FOUNDER’S DAY CARNIVAL!

When Paige sees “Samara” rubbing up on Emily, under the guise of “helping her try on earrings,” she is obviously SUPER JEALOUS.  But, instead of staking claim to Emily, by doing some rubbing up of her own, Paige lashes out at Samara, and calls out Emily for telling Samara that Paige is gay, despite the fact that it was PAIGE who made the appointment with Samara, in the first place.  Deciding that Paige has awful hair!  is way too much drama to be worth the trouble, Emily grabs the pair of earrings her future girlfriend gave her, and stalks off.

Once at home, Emily gets an apologetic message from Paige.  She then gets another one from “A,”  informing Emily that her “type” is girls who’s secrets she has to keep.  I SMELL A FLASHBACK!

It’s now a year prior.  Once again, Ali is manipulating Emily’s romantic feelings for her, to get the attention she desires.  Ali gives Emily a cheap snowglobe from her vacation, warning her not to tell the other girls about it, because, Emily is supposedly the only one of the four for whom she got a gift.  “Keep it in a safe place,” instructs Ali.  “It’s more valuable than it looks.”

Having not made out with a girl ALL EPISODE, lonely Emily starts fondling Ali’s snow globe.  And lo and behold, it has a FALSE BOTTOM.  Something is inside.  It’s . . . wait for it . . . THE KEY BLIND JENNA WAS SEEKING!

Score!

Emily immediately recognizes the key in question, as one that belongs to a storage locker.  So, she texts all the girls to meet her down there.  Spencer, of course, can’t come, because she’s a little “stuck” at the moment.  But Aria and Hanna do accompany Emily to the storage locker . . .  (Lord knows who’s been paying the fees on it, for the YEAR that Ali’s been dead!)

Personally, I think renting an ENTIRE storage locker, to store ONE Tweety Bird lunchbox is a bit overdramatic.  (Not to mention a HUGE waste of money!)  Nevertheless, the girls retrieve the cute little lunch box, and find within it, yet another flash drive . . . (What’s with PLL girls, and their hiding flashdrives in BIRDS?  First, the ugly owl, now THIS?)

“Ughhh!  She left a turkey sandwich in here too!”

Back at home, the girls insert the flashdrive in one of their laptops.  On it, appears to be HOURS AND HOURS of footage of the girls and Ali from the past year, obviously taken by cameras hidden in their homes, by someone other than Abs Toby . . .

The girls begin to suspect that Ali was killed for having incriminating evidence of this video stalker.  This, of course, begs the question of WHO THE HECK IS HE (OR SHE?)

Based on the Much Music Preview, next week’s Season Finale looks pretty intense.  It promises, among other things, the return of Lucas (and Caleb), a surprise appearance by the mysterious “Jackie Molina,” more annoying antics by Garrett the Police Boy, and LOTS of driving around in the dark.  What more could a PLL fan ask for?  (Well, aside from lots of hot sex, of course?)

See you then, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under Pretty Little Liars

Let’s TALK About Sex (But Not Actually DO IT): A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Push”

“I am dressed like this, and all you want to do is talk about your ‘feelings’?  Seriously?”

Watching Grey’s Anatomy tonight was like reading one of those relationship advice columns they put in the back of fashion magazines: there was tons of psychobabble, a few choice one-liners, and virtually NO ACTION! (Save for a single hot — but way too PG for my taste — Bailey and Gasman smooch, buried at the back end of the episode.) 

Playing the part of “Dear Abby” this week was Callie, who, like the aforementioned relationship columnist, sagely dealt out bite-sized morsels of free advice to her colleagues throughout the episode, until she found herself in a lovers’ quandary of her own . . .

So, without further adieu, let’s take a look at the lonelyhearts letters that found their way into Callie’s inbox during this episode . . .

Dear Callie,

My character has been an insufferable hypocritical tool for about a half-dozen episodes now.  First, I dumped my significantly younger girlfriend for an inconsequential guest star my daughter.   Then, I traveled to Private Practice LA and boinked a friend of mine, but bitched out my ex when she did the same thing.  Finally, I continue to berate and threaten my ex’s sort-of new beau for having the gall to screw MY WOMAN, even though I am currently screwing the entire nurse’s staff in the on-call room.  How should the writers go about redeeming me to the viewers?

Sincerely,

Dr. McSteamy Turdface

In the episode’s opening moments, Mark Sloan a.k.a McSteamy is working out his pectorals, like a man, and whining about his loneliness, like a cranky toddler.  Callie suggests that Sloan find himself an age-appropriate woman, and begin a mature adult relationship with her.  She reasons that such a relationship will enable Sloan to, ultimately, get married and produce an army of little baby Sloans, all with excellent hair and a talent for bedding members of the opposite sex.

Sloan sets his sights on Teddy, to whom he has said maybe two words, since she has first appeared on the show.

“Well . . . you’ve f&#ked every other character on this show.  I guess it’s my turn .  . .”

Initially, the spunky, but highly socially awkward, Teddy literally laughs in Sloan’s face when he asks her out.  However, a few choice words from Arizona cause the Cardio God to reconsider.  “Mark is like candy,”Arizona offers.  “You eat it and then you forget about it.”  In other words . . .

Teddy takes Arizona’s advice, and tells Sloan she would like to meet him after work for drinks (and a late night game of “hide the salami”).  But Teddy balks again when Sloan suggests “dinner.” After all, dinner with Sloan sounds less like a piece of candy that you suck on and forget, and more like a 16 oz. rib eye steak that’s tough to chew, full of bones, and often ends up stuck in your teeth afterward. 

Not a lollipop . . .

At the episode’s conclusion, Sloan makes his third and final offer: lunch.    Sloan explains he wants to date Teddy in broad daylight to make sure she is not a vampire, because he would ultimately like to get married and have lots of babies.  (Yeah, I didn’t really get it either . . .)

If a man I barely knew asked me out on a first date, by babbling on about marriage and children, you know what my response would be?

 But, maybe that’s just me  . . . Teddy actually seemed kind of turned on by the whole thing.  Go figure!

Dear Callie,

It has been a LONNNNGGGG time since I last went on a date.  To give you a better idea of just how long it has been, I have enclosed a photograph of the outfit I wore on my last date:

In fact, the only person I have ever had sex with in my entire life was my ex-husband.  Now I am dating this total studmuffin.  Tonight is my THIRD DATE (and you know what that means . . .).  Not only do I have no clue how to raise the “sex issue,” I’m also really scared of sleeping with him too soon.  After all, he is leaving the show soon to star in a stupid Shondra Rhimes pilot I don’t want to get hurt.  What should I do?

Very truly yours,

Frightened of Fornicating

Chandra Wilson was absolutely adorable during this episode: asking Callie to pick up condoms for her, because she was too embarrassed to do it herself, dodging Chief Shephard when he asked her about her lunchtime appointment, and freaking out at the suggestion of getting a Brazilian wax in preparation for her date (I too have had the “surgical field” conversation with my girlfriends.  It happens to be quite a divisive issue among the female population.)

At the end of the episode, Bailey and Gasman have their iconic third date at his house.  I loved how Gasman called Bailey out on her incessant monologues, and how she tends to use them as a defense mechanism to keep others at bay.  I also thoroughly enjoyed the new couple’s sex talk.  Sure, it sounded like something directly out of an After-School Special, but these two talented actors made the stilted dialogue work well.  What the heck is Shondra Rhimes doing, making us fall for this man, only to steal him away, once we become truly attached to him?  Shame on her!

Dear Callie,

I REALLY NEED to win the Harper Avery Award!  It’s been kind of a crappy year for me.  I just got back from rehab, and my new pipsqueak of a boss keeps kicking me while I’m down, and reminding me of my new lower status in the medical world.  If I won the Avery Award, I could rub it in his pretty boy face.  How do I get that award, dammit?

Sincerely,

Former Dr. McBoozy (Future Avery Award winner?)

I know it sounds terrible to say this, but the whole massive tumor storyline was neither particulary unique nor interesting. (The actor and actress potraying the husband and wife pair grappling with a terminal illness, did a great job, however).  I’m also getting a bit tired of the constant medical one-upmanship aspect of the show. 

 I’d be a bit concerned if I checked into a hospital where all the doctors ever did was show off their techniques for one another and screw each other in the on-call room, instead of ummm . . . you know, trying to make me healthy?  And why does every technique these doctors perform have to be “new” and “never done before.”  What happened to the basics of healing?

In short, Owen’s and Richard’s fight to care for the right to operate on the massive tumor patient was lame.  As was Derek’s excuse for choosing Owen’s “fly by the seat of my pants” technique for the surgery over Richard’s methodical one.  What made this storyline bearable was Cristina Yang. 

I love how she played these two men off of one another for her own personal gain.   I also enjoyed her little dig at Dr. Hotness Jackson Avery for talking up his grandfather’s purportedly altruistic reasons for creating the award in question.   “This has been a message from the Harper Avery Foundation . . .” – classic! 

Also, classic was Meredith’s threatening Owen, after she caught him acting jealous of Sloan for dating Teddy, when he is SUPPOSED to be involved with Cristina.  “[Christina] is part of my team,” asserted Meredith.  “Hurt her and I’ll kick your ass!” 

While Meredith proved herself to be a loyal friend to Cristina, she was significantly  less of one to her half-sister Lexie.  Big Grey merely stared at her sibling, dumbfounded, when Lexie broke down in tears in the bathroom, upon realizing that Sloan was moving on, and that she was not yet over him.  Would a pat on the back have been too much to ask for?

Clearly, Meredith never owned one of these, as a child . . .

In other news, Arizona,  Perky Patron of all things Pediatric, does not want children EVER, but Callie does, and that biological clock is just ticking away.  I smell trouble brewing on the horizon for these two . . .

Does this mean we can’t watch Saturday morning cartoons in bed together anymore?

So what did you think of this episode?  Are you happy about the prospective Teddy / Sloan coupling?  Will jealousy make Owen reevaluate his feelings for Teddy and Christina?  Can Bailey and Gasman possibly make it work when they are on two different television shows?  How do YOU prepare your “surgical field” for date three?

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Filed under Grey's Anatomy

Happy-Get-Lucky: A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Perfect Little Accident”

Remember back when Grey’s Anatomy was a HAPPY show, one filled with hot cast members, snappy one-liners, and adorable on-call room hijinks?  A show that was light on the medical mysteries but SUPER HEAVY on the sex?  That was the Grey’s I loved . .  . the one that made me squeal with delight, as I settled in front of the television, every Thursday night, for my weekly dosage of McDreamy goodness. 

 As the seasons progressed, however, I started to see less and less of that Grey’s.  Eventually, I began to wonder whether I would ever see it again . . .

But just as I was about to write off the series as being past its prime, Grey’s goes and airs an episode like this one.  It was a feel-good episode, one where doctors joked with and smiled at one another, and the patients you cared about actually survived.  During “Perfect Little Accident,” our favorite Grey’s characters didn’t just get screwed, they got lucky.  Everybody came out a winner last night, the fans included.

It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, just thinking about it . . .

So, without further adieu, let’s let the happy healing begin, shall we?

Happy Vah-jay-jay Day!

At least at Seattle Grace, yesterday was a great day NOT to have a weiner . . .

“Hey!  I resemble that remark!”

During “Perfect Little Accident,” it was the women who scored, both in the ER and in the bedroom.  Throughout the hour, the members of the fairer sex uttered the funniest lines, doled out the best advice, and had the most fun.  In short, “Perfect Little Accident” was just chock full of GIRL POWER!

Hey look!  It’s Victoria Beckham and . . . those other girls who’s names I can’t remember.

Even the typically mopey Meredith and dour-faced Christina appeared positively perky and well-adjusted last night.  Did I mention that the episode ended with a “Girls’ Night,” during which the entire female component of the cast bonded during a lighthearted game of softball?  It doesn’t get much more women’s lib-ey than that!

But if I absolutely had to pick a winner for the “luckiest” female character from last night’s episode, Lexie Grey would have taken the prize.  Ever since she ditched old fogey Sloan (we’ll get to him in a bit) and dyed her hair blond, Lexie has literally been getting lucky all over the place. 

In the episode’s opening moments, Lexie is nude in bed, trying to decide on a seductive pose with which to greet her latest sexcapade partner, Alex the Uber Slut.  This seems like a lot of wasted effort to me.  After all, a rotten banana could probably seduce Alex without trying that hard . . .

“You’re asking me what my ‘type’ is?  Do you have a pulse?  Then, we are good to go.  Wait . . . no pulse?  I’d be willing to negotiate . . .”

(By the way, don’t get me wrong.  I love Lexie’s glamorous new look.  But don’t you think the makeup department is overdoing it just a bit with her?  While the rest of the female doctors on the show sport natural, no-fuss, looks, that appear at home in an ER — lately, Sexy Lexie looks more like she’s ready to attend some snooty awards gala than change a colostomy bag . . .)

Back at the hospital, Meredith and Christina warn Lexie about getting too up-close and personal with Dr. McManWhore.  “Emotionally, Alex is like me three years ago,” explains Meredith.

When Lexie assures the girls that she does not have romantic feelings for Alex, neither of them buy it.  “Your heart lives in your vagina,” argues Christina (yes, they actually used the word VAGINA on ABC . . . like three times, actually – I was shocked!)

Unlike Nikki from HBO’s Big Love, Lexie has a Happy Vagina, and, likely, a Happy Uterus, as well . . .

Despite the girls’ taunts, Lexie proves herself true to her word.  When Alex accuses her of becoming overly emotional, and blabbing about their sex life to her ex —  Lexie really lets him have it.  “If you can’t handle being used for sex, then, please, just tell me, so I can find a guy who can,” demands Lexie.

Well, that’s all it took.  Alex was seduced . . . AGAIN.  The pair found an on-call room in which to screw eachother’s brains out, mere seconds later.

Dr. Feel Good

Lexie may have been having the BEST no-frills sex last night, but her ex, Mark Sloan a.k.a Dr. McSteamy, was having the MOST.  Within the episode’s hour, he was seen banging a pharmaceutical rep, a nurse, and the daughter of a patient who came in for leg surgery, but ended up getting her hearing fixed by the God of Plastic Surgery, himself (I’m still not quite sure how the latter medical miracle happened, but, as a plot device, I guess it worked). 

And yet, despite all the Luuuve, Sloan was the one person in this episode who wasn’t particularly happy.  If Lexie’s heart is in her vagina, Sloan’s brain is in his penis.  Despite the fact that McSteamy was “spreading his seed” all over the damn place, he still didn’t want his ex Lexie doing the same thing (well, not spreading her seed exactly, because she’s a girl, but . . . oh, never mind!).  So Sloan did what all “Real Men” do in situations like this, he whined like a bitch.

“Who you calling a bitch?”

When Sloan wasn’t getting it on with some floozy during this episode, he was callously and immaturely berating fellow male slut, Alex, kicking him out of surgeries, and generally peeing all over him.  At the end of the episode, Sloan confronted Alex and sort of apologized for his misbehavior.  And, yet, doing so didn’t make him look like any less of a WEINERHEAD.

“OK.  Now you’re just making me mad!”

Three’s a Crowd .  . . Pleaser

“So, this is what smiling feels like?  I like it . . .”

You know who wasn’t a weinerhead at all during this episode?  Christina Yang!  My girl, Christina, was just filled with mature and well-adjusted awesomeness last night.  It all started when she encouraged her boyfriend, Owen, to become friends with Dr. Teddy, even though the latter is obviously still in love with the former.  Owen, clearly tired of the awkwardness between him and his former best friend, gratefully complied with Christina’s request, by inviting Teddy over for dinner with Christina and him. 

It would appear that the threesome is heading down the road to a healthy and happy friendship, except for the fact that Christina appears to be a bit enamored with Teddy, as well.  “I’m in love with Teddy,” Christina admitted to Meredith, in what was an unusually candid moment between the pair.  “I can’t help it, my heart is in my scalpel.”

Christina’s realization came after her and Teddy saved the life of a young lung cancer patient, who was seemingly a lost cause, by performing a highly experimental ex vivo lung transplant on him.  The process involved taking the damaged lungs of a recently deceased patient and repairing those lungs during the bypass surgery.  When it comes to Christina Yang, nothing is more seductive than a complex and high profile surgery.  The thrill she experienced as a result of her victory more than made up for the faux pas she committed when misdiagnosing medical legend, Dr. Harper Avery . . .

We Don’t Know Jackie . . .

 

  . . . but we wish we did!

 . . . and we fear we may never get the chance!

 Christina wasn’t the only doctor who got a bit tongue-tied when Dr. Avery, a surgeon so famous they named an award after him, arrived at the hospital, as a patient.  Most of the staff at Seattle Grace appeared to be just a bit starstruck by this brilliant, if slightly pompous and ornery, man.  (The role was handled with aplomb by the inimitable Chelcie Ross, who you may remember as the successful, but slightly pompous and ornery, Conrad Hilton on Mad Men). 

“I thought your grandchild’s name was Paris?”

Unlike the rest of the staff, Jackson Avery (a.k.a Pretty Boy, a.k.a. the Hotness Monster, a.k.a the only Mercy Wester I can actually stomach) was far from starstruck by the legend’s arrival. Instead, he was annoyed and uncomfortable.  After all, Dr. Harper Avery is none other than Jackson’s grandfather.  And Jackson would like nothing more than to live outside of his Pop Pop’s admittedly large shadow.  To further complicate matters, Dr. Avery (1) needed surgery; (2) wished for it to be performed on him while he was still awake; (3) and wanted the newly sober Dr. Webber to perform the procedure during his first non-Chief day back on the job.

Nu-Chief Shepherd was adamantly against the idea, but Webber seemed determined to go through with it.  Off they rushed to the Operating Room, with Jackson and Meredith Grey (herself no stranger to having to live up to the medical legacy of a famous, but obnoxious relative) both providing assistance.  Apparently, Avery is just as big of a pain in the ass on the operating table as off it.  The dude just WOULD NOT shut up! 

More like a sports caster than a patient, Avery felt the need to detail the play-by-play of his surgery to the doctors performing it.  Knowing that Meredith was Ellis Grey’s daughter, he interrogated her regarding whether she would accept a prestigious medical internship from her now-deceased mother, an option Jackson turned down, when it was offered to him by his grandfather.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, Dr. Avery went as far as to critique the type of tools Webber was using to perform the surgery.

Although the initial surgery appeared to go off without a hitch, Dr. Avery experienced some adverse reactions during recovery.  Webber, fearing that he had botched surgery on a legend, offered to step back from the case, before Avery went under the knife a second time.  However, Nu-Chief Shepherd wouldn’t have it.  Believing that regaining confidence in his surgical abilities would help ensure Webber’s continued sobriety, Shepherd urged Webber to get back on the proverbial horse, and complete the surgery himself. 

Ultimately, the doctors learned that Dr. Avery’s post-surgical complications were the result of his being allergic to the surgical tools that he, himself, had demanded that Dr. Webber use.  Thus, it was Dr. Avery who effectively botched his own surgery, not Webber.  Fortunately, the second surgery was a successful one.  After it, Meredith confrontedJackson, urging him to make peace with his grandfather, study with him, and learn from him, all things that Meredith never got the chance to do with her mother  . . .

NOOOOOO!  Don’t leave me Doctor Hotness!  Let Grandpa Avery take your annoying and sniveling Mercy West friends instead . . .

Here’s my issue with Meredith’s “sage advice.”  A couple of reliable entertainment sources have informed me that TWO former Mercy West doctors will be leaving the show ASAP.  Since Sarah Drew’s character, April, JUST returned a couple of weeks ago, the actress will likely stick around for at least  a little while longer.  That leaves three other possibilities for the imminent departures:

 . . . this girl . . .

 . . . this guy AND

Dr. Hotness.

Two will go, but only ONE will stay.  Who will it be?

It’s probably no secret, by now, which one I want to keep around.  And yet, Dr. Hotness can’t very well be hanging around Seattle Grace while “learning” and “training” under Grandpa Conrad Hilton Harper Avery, now can he?

Here’s hoping that this article is correct, which would mean that I am worrying myself over nothing.  Because, if things don’t go my way, I might just feel the need to send Shondra Rhimes the fashion accessory shown below:Any questions?

Well, that was our show!  What did you think?  Are you a fan of the Christina, Owen and Teddy threesome?  Do you like Lexie’s new super-coiffed Surgical Barbie look?  Are you as freaked out by the prospect of a Dr. Hotness departure as I am?

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Hail to Nu-Chief – A Grey’s Anatomy Recap of “State of Love and Trust”

It’s not easy being a new leader . . .

You often find yourself forced to reconcile the demons of leaders past . . .

There are obstacles to overcome . . .

 . . . and battles to be won.

And, of course, you will inevitably have to face your detractors . . .

Don’t worry, you haven’t inadvertently stepped into the wrong blog article.  (The Grey’s picture is still at the top of your screen.  That’s why I put it there!)  I am simply attempting to establish, by way of analogy, the challenges faced by our favorite McDreamy doctor on his first day as interim chief. 

Sure, he looked a bit nervous giving that opening speech. And, yes, that tie under his lab coat was misguided.  (Christina was right when she said he looked like an undertaker.)  But, overall, when given time to adapt to his new position,  Dr. Shepherd, like another charismatic leader we all know and love is about to do, soon hit his stride and, eventually, kind of kicked ass. 

With that in mind, let’s take a look at the various events that comprised Derek Shepherd’s first day as interim chief   . . .

The Gas Man Cometh . . .

Who says new, randomly introduced, doctors can’t be instantly likeable?

(Yeah, I wasn’t talking about you guys . . .)

I’m talking about Mercy West’s resident anesthesiologist, whose chemistry with the good Dr. Bailey crackled and popped every time the two shared the screen.  Yes, even a Nazi deserves some loving every once in a while.  And I’ll be darned if I don’t smell a bit of romance in the air . . .

Sure, things got off to a bit of a rough start, with that whole “patient waking up on the operating table” thing.  The understandably traumatized heart patient blamed Miranda for losing her cool during surgery, and refused to let her operate a second time.  Like the patient, Miranda too was playing the blame game, but her axe fell on the Gas Man, who she claimed dropped the ball out of pure laziness and boredom, and under-dosed the patient.

As Bailey became more and more heated and intense, the Gas Man remained almost maddeningly calm and collected.  He merely listened to Miranda and let her burn off steam before gently proving her wrong.  As it turned out, the incident was no one’s fault.  Rather, a freak side effect of the patient’s heart condition made her metabolize the anesthesia abnormally fast. 

Don’t get me wrong, I luuuved the Gas Man, but I’m not sure that I’m buying his excuse.  As an anesthesiologist, isn’t it kind of your job to ascertain whether your patients’ have freak conditions that make them immune to your procedures?  I certainly think so . . . but what do I know . . .

Anyway, Gas Man calls Miranda on her poo, with a sexy smile that instantly disarms her.  Miranda’s admission that she “yells when she is upset” (understatement of the year), is about as close to an apology as this confident doc has made in six seasons.  Enjoy it while it lasts Gas Man, because I am pretty sure it’s the last one you will be getting for a while . . .

As for the follow-up surgery, Traumatized Patient allows resident Meredith Grey to perform the procedure, and everything goes off without a hitch.  (Well, aside from the whole “being awake during surgery” situation from earlier . . .)

After grappling with her own control issues, the Miraculous Miranda still has enough energy left over to advise Nu-Chief McDreamy on how to handle the administrative aspect of “Patient Awake-gate.”  On her advice, McDreamy swallows his fear and pride, and (gasp) actually apologizes to the patient for her nightmarish experiences on the operating table.  Nicely played, Nu-Chief.  Score One for You.

Ass Me No More Questions . . .

Remember when Lexie broke Mark’s you-know-what while the two were getting it on in the on call room?  Well, apparently, those two aren’t the only on-screen couple who like it rough.  Throughout most of this episode, Owen was screwing Christina’s brains out with a neediness and territoriality verging on the barbaric.

(“So easy, a caveman could do her . . .”)

Seeing as Teddy has been giving her former cardio minion the cold shoulder (following the elder doc’s own drunken admission to Owen that Christina would willingly trade her boyfriend for time on Teddy’s service), Christina has some extra time on her hands.  And, boy, does she know how to spend it.  In fact, one of the couple’s literally hot and steamy ventilation room love sessions became so intense that Christina ended up scarred with painful heat vent indentations seared into her ass . . . 

That’s going to leave a mark . . .

Later, while the two are once again going at it, Teddy finally gives in and pages Christina for an important surgery.  Owen forces Christina to ignore it and continue screwing.  Bad move, Owen.  NO ONE comes between Christina and her heart surgeries . . . NO ONE! 

After inadvertently learning about Christina’s tortured past with Burke, Owen confronts his lover about her general closed-offedness with him.  Although she initially staves him off, eventually, Christina comes clean.  In a tearful speech that was, by far, the evening’s best, Christina explains her tortured history with the dastardly and devious Isaiah Washington.

“He took something from me. He took little pieces of me,” Christina notes of the dickwad who made gay slurs at T.R. Knight, beat up Patrick Dempsey, and left her at the altar.  (OK, perhaps I am mixing TV with reality here, but still .  . )

(Pure eeevvvil!)

“Because when you asked me to ignore Teddy’s page . . . you took a piece of me, and I let you.  And that will never happen again,” she concludes.

And you know what?  I think these two crazy kids may actually make it . . .

Speaking of Dickwads . . .

Unfortunately, sex injuries aren’t the cure-all for all relationships gone rotten.  This tough lesson is learned by Mark “McSteamy” Sloan as he gives Lexie the silent treatment for the entire episode and bitches and moans about being dumped and cheated on by her, despite his own just-as-bad behavior.  When his best friend, Callie, calls him on his hypocritical crap, Sloan blubbers about her taking Lexie’s side, instead of his own. 

(“You think you have problems.  I have to sit in my own poo . . .”)

Callie decides that this cranky baby needs a nap, and lays him down in bed with her and her girlfriend, Arizona.  “This is not working for me,” Arizona notes gently.

Yeah, we hear ya, Arizona.  It’s not exactly working for us either . . .

A Shout Out to All of the Little People . . .

Sloan’s blubbery antics might not be working for Arizona, but Karev most certainly is.  Initially skeptical about having to spend a day on Arizona’s pediatric service, Karev soon finds himself wrapped up in a case of a teenage boy complaining of stomach pains.  Apparently, the boy’s parents believe said boy to be a lazy excuse-making malingerer instead of a legitimately ill child. 

After receiving a lecture from Arizona about having to “advocate for the little people,” Alex tough talks the disbelieving parents into OK’ing the doctors’ performance of a surgical procedure on their son.  Arizona is impressed.  Although Alex’s initial diagnosis is ruled out from the surgery, during a follow up procedure, Alex finds the source of the teen’s problem.  It turns out that the boy was not faking his condition after all.  He was actually very sick.

With some prodding from Arizona, Alex found himself forced to admit that advocating for a young boy who couldn’t fight for himself, and, ultimately saving his life, was “pretty hard core.”

Now if Alex would have just taken his shirt off at some point during the episode, this storyline would have been picture perfect . . .

(Maybe next time . . .)

The Changing of the Guard . . .

You know who wasn’t being particularly hard core throughout this episode?  Old Chief Webber.  When given the decision between entering rehab for the opportunity of possibly getting his old job back once clean, and tendering his resignation, Old Chief stewed in his own juices . . . for 12 Hours.  In doing so, he succeeded in making a total ass of himself in front of the entire hospital staff, who watched him from a window, as he accused Derek of being opportunistic, and then, like McSteamy, proceeded to mope around all day . . .

I’m always impressed by how unabashedly nosy Seattle Grace doctors are.  I mean, I get it.  When your coworkers (particularly your bosses) fight in the office, it is pretty awesome to watch/hear.  But most of  us regular folk have the decency to at least pretend to work while we listen/watch.  Not so much, at this hospital.  Maybe if these doctors were less focused on interoffice drama, there wouldn’t be so many cut L-vac wires, jaundiced patients, and patients who wake up during surgery.  Am I right, or am I right?

Eventually, it is Champion Ass Kicker Miranda who saves the day and beats Webber out of his funk.  “Be the Chief!”  She instructs.

Except  . . . Webber can’t really do that anymore.  But he can agree to go into rehab.  And so, he does.

With Webber finally out of his hair and off his conscience, Derek is finally able to make the motivational staff speech he chickened out on during the episode’s opening.  He promises to honor Old Chief McBoozy’s legacy.  And therefore, does not fire the Mercy Westers that Old Chief took in as a result of the merger (darn).

 In fact, he goes one step further, by hiring back Mercy Wester, April. 

Remember her?  She was the one that the Chief fired for failing to recognize soot on a patient’s lungs and accidentally killing the patient, as a result.  Apparently, with Katherine Heigel’s absence becoming increasingly more regular, Grey’s did not have enough female docs on which to inflict funny sexual injuries. 

Way to go April .  . . welcome back to the team.  I suggest you cover your ass . . . literally.

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