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Animal Magnetism (and How it Can Help Get You Laid) – A Recap of True Blood’s “I Wish I Was the Moon”

I’ll have what SHE’S having . . . 

Wooh!  Well, hello, Fangbangers!  Have you cooled off yet from this week’s episode of True Blood?  Or are you still howling at the moon, and rolling in the dirt?

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Well then, hold on to your face (and your butt), and please, try not to shapeshift in the house!  Because it’s time for your weekly True Blood recap . . .

(By the way, special thanks to Skarsgardfans.com for all the awesome screencaps you see here, unless otherwise sourced.)

Sorry, Vampire Beeeell!  You’ve been replaced!

“Dearest, Eric!  Don’t forsake me!  I want you in my ass  mouth dominion.”

Poor King Beel!  He may own the crown, and the keys to the fine State of Louisiana.  But Vampire Eric possesses keys that are MUCH more valuable.  Of course, I’m referring to the keys to Sookie’s legs  panties heart.

“Open SESAME, SOOKEHHHHH!  I’m GOING IN!” 

When we last left our lovers, Amnesia Eric and Sookie were making out a few steps from her porch.  This week, they’ve managed the always- challenging feet of tonguing and fondling one another, while walking backwards, climbing steps, AND removing extraneous items of clothing. (Don’t let TV and films fool you!  This sh*t is HARD to do!  And, more often than not, it involves someone falling on his or her ass.)

ERIC:  “Woah!  Was this couch always here?  Because I could have sworn it wasn’t always this conveniently close to the door.” 

SOOKIE: “Just shut up, and continue humping me, please . . . I peeked at this week’s promos.  Apparently, we don’t have much time until the Cockblock comes, and I’ll be damned if I don’t get to have AT LEAST one ‘O’ before he arrives.

Fortunately, Sookie gets her wish . . .

“Thank you, LORD!  I’ve been waiting four years for THIS!” 

Enter King Cockblock . . .

*insert Depressing Death March Music here* 

“SOOOKEEEEEEHHHH!”  King Cockblock shouts.

Perhaps, he assumes Sookie’s moans of pleasure, are really cries of pain, in disguise!  Nah . . . he’s just a douche.

Then, THIS happens . . .

 . . . and THIS . . .

So, of course, my inner fangirl starts doing THIS . . .

“KILL HIM, ERIC!  You STAKE that King Cockblock!  Stake him GOOD!”

There is an interesting moment, where Eric stands poised with his big ole fire poker over Beeeel’s heart, and demands that Sookie tell him who exactly this creeper is to HER.

 Sookie hesitates for a moment.  The words “ex boyfriend,” “cemetery f*&ker,” “almost blood drainer,” and “master betrayer” undoubtedly run through her brain, before she decides on “He’s YOUR KING,” which , if you think about it, is not exactly responsive to his question.  Nevertheless, Sookie’s answer affects Eric deeply.

“You mean this little twerp is my KING?  What kind of a f*&ked up State is this?” 

“I’m SO moving to New York.”

Even the typically boring stoic Bill is taken aback, when Amnesia Eric drops his fire poker to the ground, falls to his knees, and says, without a hint of irony or sarcasm in his voice, “Forgive me, my liege!”

“When did this show suddenly become Game of Thrones?” 

At some point during the credits, both Sookie and Amnesia Eric manage to put on some clothing.  (All together now: “BOOOOOOO!”)  Now, Bill has his Swat Team minions handcuff Eric (with SILVER, of course . . . BASTARD), and take him away.

Sookie, of course, starts whining and carrying on like it’s her job (BECAUSE, BASICALLY IT IS!), which normally annoys the heck out of me.  However, this time, I’m totally on her side, because she’s whining for a VERY Good Cause  . . . the Continuation of Seric Sex.  Her first argument is that, since Beeelll is not HER king, he can’t just go barging into her house, and taking her nearly seven-foot tall Viking Vampire Vibrator!  Then again, technically this is Amnesia Eric’s house now . . . so, YES, he can.

Sookie – 0; King Cockblock – 1

But Sookie gains back the lead, by seeing Bill’s holier-than-thou “Respect my AUTHORITAYYYY” “I’m really doing this for your own good” explanation for Eric’s arrest as exactly what it is: Jealous Ex-Boyfriend Bullcrap.

“Hey. why don’t you just go back to screwing your great great great great granddaughter and leave me alone!” 

First Bill argues that Eric is a danger to himself and other’s because he is under the influence of a necromancer . . . It may sound kinky.  But don’t let those big fancy words fool you.  He’s REALLY just talking about THIS chick  . . .

“Don’t you worry, Witchiepoo!  A little Visine will clear that RIGHT UP!”

Bill then COMPLETELY contradicts himself, by asserting, alternatively, that Eric is NOT under the influence of a necroblahblahblah Marnie, a.k.a. Witchiepoo, but is actually FAKING his Amnesia to get into Sookie’s pants! (Come on . . . admit it, this would be a BRILLIANT idea, if it were actually true.)

“Ooh!  Would you guys please remind me to try that one on Elena, next season?”

“Well, WHICH is it, Asshat?”  Inquiring Sookies want to know. . .

Sookehhhhh – 2; Beeeeeelll  – 1

 Sookie then blatantly calls Bill out on being jealous, and not being able to cope with the fact that she moved on, despite the fact that HE has been sticking his fangs into every single relative that comes his way.

Sookie – 5, Douchey – 1

“Believe it or not, my existence does not revolve around what or WHO is between your legs,” Bill retorts . . .

OK . . . now, even I have to admit . . . that was pretty darn funny . .

Sookie – 5, That vampire Stephen Moyer plays on True Blood – 2

SOOKIE: “So, you buy my house, and you think my legs are going to magically pop open for you?” (ANSWER- YES!)

ERIC: “Hi King Bill, my name is Eric Northman. I am both the WHAT and the WHO between Sookie’s legs. 

Sookie then pleads for Bill’s leniency, and refuses to leave without her Amnesia Eric.  This wasn’t exactly a witty retort.  However, Sookie gets a point for this, just because it shows how much she loves Amnesia Eric, which pleases my Seric-loving heart to no end.

Sookie -6, Grandkid f*&ker -2

But then, Bill takes Eric away ANYWAY, and instructs his minions to throw Sookie out as a trespasser, if she ever comes on his property again.

Uh oh . .  .

Sookie – 6, Bill (the CHEATER!) – 2072.

GAME OVER, SOOKIE . . . at least, FOR NOW . . .

Smells Like Death (Tastes Like Chicken)

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You know, for the last two weeks, I couldn’t even look at poor Face Off Pam, because she was so hideous looking, that she made me want to vomit.  But Near-Death, Face Off Pam is oddly adorable, with her peekaboo blanket, and Kewpie Doll Eyes.  Thanks Alan Ball, for letting me hang on to my dinner this week . . .

Eric is chilling in Ye Olde Jailhouse of Vampire Bill (where, at this rate, HALF the cast will be residing, by season’s end).  However, as it turns out, he’s not alone.  His progency, Face Off Pam is there too.

You know, seeing this, I couldn’t help but wonder how DUMB King Bill is, to think that it wouldn’t be the LEAST bit risky to put two allies, who are BOTH arguably under a necroblahblahblahs influence, in the same cell together.  I mean, that’s just ASKING for trouble, don’t you think?

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Pam thinks so too, which is why she quickly reveals herself as the stench of death that Amnesia Eric smells.  You can see a bit of Eric’s old “father-daughter” connection with Pam, when he compels her to remove her security blanket from her face.  He then, sadly, gently asks her whether she is afraid.

Perhaps, it is Eric’s indication that he still cares for Pam, that prompts her to try to get him to remember who he truly IS.  Hint:  He’s NOT someone who would EVER bow down to a self-loathing, power hungry, pompous dork, like Bill Compton.  (Her words.  . . not mine.)

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Unfortunately, for Pam, Amnesia Eric has decided (for now, at least) that he no longer wants to remember his old life, and that the eating, screwing and laughing Viking Vampire he used to be is no longer (unless he’s eating, screwing and laughing with SOOKIE, of course).

Denial Ain’t A River in Egypt (It’s a Stick up King Cockblock’s ASS)

Hello, my name is Nan Flanaghan.  My facial expression hasn’t changed in 1,000 years.  Who needs Botox, when you have Bloodbox?” 

When the alarm on Bill’s balls rings, he logs in to his daily Skype session with the woman who has those twins in a vice grip.  Desperately seeking a pat on the forehead or a doggie treat, Bill tells Nan that he has the necromaniboobla and Eric in his custody.

“Please tell me I’m a Good Boy, and validate my continued existence on this Earth.” 

Nan boredly asks what King Cockblock would like to do about this little “situation.”  In response, Bill (SURPRISE!) recommends that AmnesiaEric be given the True Death (AND NOT WITCHIEPOO?  Does that make sense to anyone else?) because ERIC is having hot glorious sex with Sookie under the witch’s power, and is, therefore a way better lover than BEEELL could ever be a “danger to himself and others.”  Nan agrees to “look” into it, and reminds Bill that he has a “tolerance meeting” coming up.  Riiiiight, because Mr. Kill Now, Ask Questions Later, is just the epitome of “tolerant.”

In Cockblock’s defense, he looks like he feels guilty about sentencing Eric to the True Death . . . for about two seconds . . . but then he gets over it, because, apparently guilt isn’t “Kingly”  Who knew?

Someone Buy Evil Baby a Cabbage Patch doll, or something . . . please?


Because that Ugly Ass Doll has just GOT to go!

When we last left Arlene and Terry, things were really heating up between them.  Unfortunately, I mean that literally . . .

The not-too-swift couple awakens to find their house bursting into flames.  Terry rushes to collect the other children and his pet Armadillo, while Arlene searches the house frantically for her suddenly FAVORITE son (even though she was deathly afraid of and hated him for the past four episodes).  The family rushes to the safety of the street, just about two seconds ,before the entire interior of the house literally goes up in smoke!

Arlene is now wailing hysterically, because she never found Evil Baby, and now he is probably Barbecue Baby.  But wait!  He’s OUTSIDE.  In fact, he’s been there since right before the fire started . . . almost as if SOMEONE came and got him out of there, personally.  Could it be the weird ghost lady seen waving at Evil Baby toward the end of the scene?  Quite possibly . . .

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But, hey, as long as the baby armadillo is OK, than I’m OK!

In other news, Andy Bellefleur thinks Sam is a slumlord, because people keep getting shot up, possessed, and burned up in the apartments he rents out.  I’m inclined to agree.  (Just don’t eat my face for it, Sam. Mmm-kay?)

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Speaking of Andy, being a V addict has apparently done WONDERS for his sex life!  Here’s Holly, who JUST HAD HER HOUSE, more or less, burnt to a crisp, and Andy STILL MANAGES to score a date with her!  How’s that for class?

“If he can lift that couch, imagine what he could do with me?” 

And, to think, SHE’S not even a relative of his . .  . PORTIA!

Tommy Merlotte – A New Kind of Cockblock . . .

There are SO many ways to misread this picture . . . 

They say you can never truly know a person, until you have walked a mile in his shoes.  Well, I would venture to guess that the same general concept applies to his skin.  It all starts when Sam calls Tommy  — who is still reeling from MURDERING BOTH OF HIS PARENTS and feeding them to the alligators along with some marshmallows . . .

He then asks his baby brother to open the bar on his behalf.  This results in Tommy Boy having what I like to refer to as a “Man in the Mirror” Moment.  That cliched scene, you see in many TV shows and films in which someone LITERALLY looks in the mirror, and DOESN’T like what they see.  But, fear not Fangbangers, this, otherwise dull Man-in-The-Mirror Moment comes with a bit of a twist


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That’s right, boys and girls!  We guessed correctly.  Having killed his Ma and Pa, Tommy is now, for better or worse, a skinwalker, and his first shift, is into SAM.

Kudos to Sam Trammell for pulling off “Tommy/Sam” with aplomb, this week If you didn’t always get such lame storylines, I’d probably like your character a lot more.  Though “Tommy/Sam” looks exactly like Sam, he is actually VERY different in that:

(1) he walks like he perpetually has a poop in his pants;

(2) he hits on the female bar patrons, like it’s his job;

(3) and . . . oh yeah . . . he is a TOTAL douchebag (Well . . . Sam is too sometimes, I guess, but Tommy/Sam is way worse.)

Tommy/Sam started off his day, by telling a tearful Sookie that, NO, she can’t take off YET ANOTHER day of work to go hunting for Sex Toy Eric Northman.  Why?  You ask?  Well, she pretty much ALWAYS takes off from work, and gets away with it . . .  because she  is Sookie.  And Sookie smells like “Sunshine in a pretty blonde bottle.”

“Don’t you at least want to sniff my butt before I go?”

The funny thing is that as AWFUL Tommy is to go behind Sam’s back and fire his favorite employee who he is secretly in love with, Tommy/Sam kind of had a point.  I mean, think about it, Sookie spent the entire Second Season in Dallas, and the entire THIRD Season in Mississippi.  Then she spent a YEAR hanging with the fairies.  Don’t you think her vacation time should be finished by now?

Though Sookie is certainly not doing it intentionally, I think Tommy is right in assuming that the blonde fairy princess takes advantage of Sam, by using his obvious attraction to her to get what she wants.

Other people Tommy/Sam manipulated this week include:

(1) Jessica, who he promoted from hostess to waitress (Well . . . that was kind of a nice thing to do, but still);

Tommy always did have a bit of a hard-on for her. 

(3) Maxine, who told him what she REALLY thought of Tommy Boy (Hint:  He’s dumber than a box of rocks, and not quite as kind); and

Hint: Not much . . . 

(4) Luna who .  . . well .  . .  he engaged in some VERY awkward sex with, only to VIOLENTLY kick her out of the house, the following morning, so she wouldn’t see him change from Tommy/Sam into just plain old Tommy.  (Now THAT was just wrong.)

You know, of all people, you would think that Luna, a skinwalker herself, would catch on to EXACTLY what Tommy /Sam was trying to do!  But, NOPE!  It was just a bit more mindless sex for her with the guy wearing Sam’s skin . . .

After the whole ordeal is over, Tommy shifts BACK into his own body, retching disgustingly in the sink, before he  falls to the ground, unconscious.  He’s still laying there like THAT, when Sam finally comes home to find him.  I’d say there’s a chance he might not wake up, but that would be REALLY naive of me.  We just aren’t that lucky.

Speaking of altered states . . .

It’s the Great Brujo, Charlie Brown . . .

“I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your creepy goat killer’s shack down . . .” 

Grandpa Goatlicker is pretty obviously still pissed at Jesus, for escaping his evil clutches at age seven or so.  So, to get revenge, he forces the poor twenty something and his boyfriend to wait in the bushes for their horse drawn carriage to come, and rescue them Cinderella-style spirit animal to meander on over, and request to be murdered “for a good cause.”

The whole exchange between Laffy and Jesus in the woods kind of reminds me of It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown children’s special . . .

Jesus is Linus, the staunch believer, even in the face of Laffy (Charlie Brown’s) sincerely doubting voice.  But just when you’ve started to write of Grandpa Ghostlicker as a sociopathic wackadoo, a poisonous snake arrives at Jesus’ feet, ripe and ready to croak.

And croak he does .  . . until Grandpa Goat Licker brings it back to life, and instructs it to issue a deadly poisonous bite to his own grandson.

I’m not entirely sure how Grandpa GoatLicker knows this.  However, he somehow seems to sense that Laffy is a  gateway to the dead.  (DAMMIT!  Are there NO humans left on this show?)  So, not long after Jesus starts to lose consciousness, Laffy starts speaking in Spanish, and harnessing the power of an old dead relative of Jesus’ to bring him back to life.

Interesting . . .

Of course, as we know, Laffy isn’t the only witch with the power to get possessed by dead people (which, when you think about it, is actually a pretty lame “magical power.”)  Witchiepoo’s got “the gift” as well . . .

Witchiepoo . . . I SEE YOU!

“You know, before I got this part, I auditioned for the role of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?  Wanna see?  Hiiiiiyaaah!” 

So, we’ve got Witchiepoo all sad and locked up in her little Beel-created prison.  She’s crying to her inner witch goddess to help her out ONCE AGAIN.  (Geez!  Talk about a NAG!)  So, we are treated to a few more of those truly disturbing flashbacks in which INNER witch is raped and tortured by vampires, and Witchiepoo is forced to watch.

That’s when it happens.  Witchiepoo slits her wrist, asks INNER witch to USE HER to accomplish her goals.  And POOOF!   INTO Witchiepoo’s mouth Inner Witch goes!

OPEN WIDE, Witchiepoo!  Here comes the choo-choo train!

We learn from the flashbacks that INNER witch and her coven were able to control a whole slew of raping and torturing vampires, causing them to SEEMINGLY willingly walk into the sun and burn to death, while the public watched in horror.  Now, I suspect, the same thing is going to happen to Mr. Clean the Vampire Sheriff .  . .


Admittedly, Mr. Clean was not so MISTER CLEAN, back when he gleefully raped and repeatedly bit Inner Witch a long time ago.  And NOW, it looks like Mr. Clean is about to become Mr. Definitely Dead, when he dazedly enters the lions den of the newly-possessed Witchiepoo’s cage and falls to his knees with a petrified, but dazed, look on his face.

Witchiepoo stares down at Mr. Clean with a haughty look on her face, “Ya little f*&k,” she calls him.

Little f*&k, indeed . . .

Nice knowing ya, Mr. Clean . . . (Well . . . not really nice, but whatever . . .)

Night of the Living Werepanther?

“Why do I always seem to wind up like THIS?” 

Poor Jason Stackhouse!  Kidnapped raped, and defiled by crazy inbred werepanthers, left to die on the side of the road, and forced to endure strange sex dreams about his best friend’s girlfriend AND his best friend . . .

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No wonder he’s hiding out in his room, chained to a bedpost . . . wait . . . huh?

Well, it’s taken a few episodes, but Sookie finally seems to remember that she has a brother, and that he hasn’t been around, recently . . .

So,  off she rushes to Jason’s bedside, where she finds him cuffed to the bed.  Of course, her first inquiry is, “Is this a SEX thing?”

Which it isn’t . . .  for once.

In fact, this is a decidedly NON-Sex thing.  Jason has merely decided to take certain precautions, just in case his inner inbred werepanther should decide to make an appearance, due to the Full Moon.  He’d prefer not to eat his friends and family, thank you very much.  “I ain’t never going to forgive myself, if I bite your head off,” offers Jason sweetly.  (Now, that’s BROTHERLY LOVE!)

“But once you turned, wouldn’t the cuffs just fall off?”  Sookie wonders, quite rationally.

Oops . . . it looks like someone is going to have to re-read Werepanthers for Dummies again . . .

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Eventually, Sookie uncuffs Jason and convinces him to go ouside and share a beer with her.  You know, with all the craziness going on in this show, it’s been a while since we’ve been treated to a quiet brother / sister moment.  We get a nice one here, when Jason asks Sookie to shoot him in the head, if he starts sprouting fur.  (I’M SERIOUS!  It was a sweet moment, OK!)

“Uh-uh!”  Sookie says.  “That was not part of the deal.”

“But you PROMMISSSSED!”  Jason whines, in his best petulant five-year old voice.

“I said I’d take care of you.”

“What did you think I meant by that, change my kitty litter?”  Jason exclaims . . .

“Please, don’t let Sookie change my kitty litter!  She’ll go off and have sex with Eric, and forget to do it.” 

Sookie, who knows full well, what it’s like to be a supernatural freak, tells Jason that he can’t run from who is, and that he should embrace his inner werepanther, if that’s what he ends up being.    Girlfriend’s like a Supernatural Dr. PHIL!

Eventually, Sookie leaves the porch to go get another beer.  But when she returns, Jason is GONE!

But don’t you worry about Jason, kiddies!  He’s in good hands . . . specifically, the hands of the women who fed him his blood, and can now FEEL HIS FEELINGS . . .

Yes, I suspect she can feel THOSE feelings too! 

Jessica is working at Merlotte’s, when she FEELS Jason . . . um, well, she feels HIS FEAR I should say we’ll save the more fun stuff for later!, and decides to go outside, and comfort him . . .

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When Jason admits to Jessica that this might be the night of his first werepanther turning, the baby vampire, remembering HER first night turning into a supernatural creature, decides to spend the night with him, so that he doesn’t have to endure his transformation alone.  *insert porn music here*

So, of COURSE, you all know what MY TVD brain was thinking about, don’t you?

That’s right, boys and girls!  Here, we have yet another reason why Caroline Forbes and Baby Vamp Jessica are kindred spirits, who, unfortunately, may never meet except in the context my fanfiction, of course . . .

I have to say, I adored the sweetness and innocence of the way Jason and Jessica related to one another.  As Jason said, he’s not exactly someone known for his IMPULSE control . . .

And the fact that Jason chooses Jessica’s boobs as his “happy place,” while she comforts him through his panic attack, certainly does not bode well for his ability to remain loyal to his best friend for the long haul.  But for now, Jason and Jessica are simply two individuals, who are chastely trying to put aside their romantic feelings for one another, in order to protect the heart of someone they both care about VERY deeply . . .

Well . . . maybe not THAT deeply. 

Given what he has been through, and their innate connection, Jessica finds herself able to relate and confide in Jason, in ways she can’t with Hoyt, who always seems so squeamish about the whole Vampire Thing.  “It’s exciting,” admits Jessica of her newly vampire status, a dreamy look in her eyes.  “I am fast, and strong.   I can smell and taste things that I never smelled and tasted before.  My world used to be small.  But now it is endless.”

Together Jessica and Sookie have been so very good at selling Jason on this whole Supernatural thing, that by the time the end of the night comes, he’s actually disappointed that he DIDN’T change into a werepanther.  “Why did Sookie get all the special?”  He pouts adorably.

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“How could YOU not think you are special?”  Jessica wonders out loud.  “You have the virility of a wild animal, and the body of an Adonis.  I would very much like to f*&k you right now for hours and hours on end.” 

Well, how could Jason not be turned on by an admission like that?   Sitting close to one another, in the moonlight, limbs touching, faces inches a part, there comes the inevitable moment in which Jason and Jessica almost kiss.  But it’s Jason, Mr. No Impulse Control, himself who breaks the spell, all for the love of a good man named Hoyt.

The two fumble their goodbyes, giving eachother friendly shoulder pounds, and vowing not to tell their friend about THIS.

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But, honestly, when people this attractive are mutually attracted to one another, it’s really only a matter of time before the BONING starts . . .

Sorry, Hoyt!  Sometimes the truth hurts . . . 

We come now to two stories, I honestly don’t care all that much about . . .

Meet Tara Thornton and Packmaster Marcus . . . again . . .zzzzzzzzz . . . OMG SERIC SEX, YESSSSS!

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There’s nothing like a heaping helping of Hot Hate Sex to really start an evening out right . . .

Last week, Tara’s new girlfriend discovered that Tara’s name is not Toni, and that she doesn’t hail from Georgia.  So, Guest Star travels down to Bon Temps all the way from New Orleans, to give her a piece of her mind.  Except .  . . she ends up giving her a piece of . . . um . . . well . . .  something else.

In between screw and necking sessions, Tara gives her girlfriend the full Bon Temps tour, complete with a trip to Merlotte’s and .  . . the parking lot at Merlotte’s.  Tara’s girl seems surprisingly OK with the whole “the woman you love has been lying to you about EVERYTHING for six-months thing.”  So, I guess the sex must be REALLY good.  However, before the “Happy Couple” can broach the issue of whether Tara will return to New Orleans, Faceoff Pam materializes.  And she . . . is . . . PISSED!

Be afraid Special Guest Star!  Be VERY afraid! 

Blah, blah, blah, Debbie needs a new were-pack to stay sober in Bon Temps  . . .

 Debbie Downer and Packmaster Greasypoo

blah, blah, blah Alcide is whipped, and decides to attend the new pack meeting, against his better judgment . . .

 Your storyline may be SUPER boring this season, Alcide.  But you still look DAMN sexy, when you are angry!

On the way to their pack meeting, Debbie Downer and Alicide run into a Gun-Toting, One-Woman Search Party for Jason, Sookie, who pisses them off, (but mostly just Debbie Downer) by comparing them to those slimy rape-loving werepanthers.

“Hey, if the fur fits . . .” 

To Sookie’s relief, Alcide informs her that, NO, to his knowledge a human cannot get turned into a werepanther, simply by being bitten.  Thrilled, Sookie dashes back through the forest, as a hungry-eyed Alcide watches her, undoubtedly wishing that the two of hem could engage in SHOOTING of an entirely different sort.  Debbie notices the bedroom eyes on her boyfriend, and is CLEARLY not amused . . .

“I’ll get you my HUNKY . . . and your little FAIRY too!”

Still screaming her lungs out in her trademark nails on chalkboard voice for Jason,  Sookie encounters another man in the forest . . .

“I’m baacccck!” 

BUT WAIT!  HOW DID MY LOVERBOY REMOVE HIMSELF FROM THE CLUTCHES OF EVIL BILL?  Let’s backtrack a moment . . .

“I was born the night she found me.”

Back at King Cockblock’s Castle, Beeel’s goons bring out a very-docile Amnesia Eric, who is ready and accepting of the King’s decision to give him the true death.  “From what I’ve been told, I was a barbarian thug, who never respected your authority . . . He is a stranger to me.  I have nothing to say in his defense.”

Once again, Bill is taken back by Amnesia Eric’s calm acceptance of what is about to happen to him.  So, taken aback, in fact, that he allows Amnesia Eric to make two last requests. (1) “Release Pam, at the rate she is decomposing, she can no longer be any threat to you.” AND . . . here’s the big one.

(2) “Tell Sookie I was born the night that she found me, and because of her, I went to the True Death, knowing what it means to love.”

All together now, AWWWW!

Bill of course, is nauseated by this oddly sentimental showing of affection for his ex, by his sworn enemy, at least until Eric bangs him on the head with this . . . “[Sookie] still cares for you.  After I am gone, I hope you two will find your way back to eachother . . . because she deserves happiness from whoever can give it to her.”

Well, that did it . .  . cue the water works!  The last thing we see, is a very mopey-faced Bill preparing to bring his fancy schmancy stake down on Amnesia Eric’s head.

But THEN we cut to THIS . . .

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WOOHOO!  YIPPPEEE!  YEEHAW!

Well, well, well . . . look who went and grew a soul!

I never thought I’d say this, but THANK YOU BILL!  Thank you for giving us Fangbangers the gift of Seric Sex!  Feel free to go lay as many ancestors as you’d like now!  I promise I won’t judge . . . much.

See you next week, Fangbangers!

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Everybody Wants Sookie (or should I say . . . SOOKEH!) – A Recap of True Blood’s “Beautifully Broken”

Well, would you look at that?  It’s a gay vampire riding in on a white horse to “save the day!”  (Insert sexual euphemism and/or cheesy pun here.)

Did I miss something?  Did Valentine’s Day come early this year?  Because there sure was a lot of LOVE in this episode.  And I’m not just talking sex either.  (Sadly, there was none of that.) 

I’m talking about that real mushy gushy stuff.  The kind of “stuff” that would make you drop someone’s favorite beverage at their doorstep a few minutes before dawn (Hoyt and Jessica); or write a list about why you’d be a good father to their kids (Terry and Arlene – He passed anger management and tamed an armadillo); or babysit a drunk (Andy and Jason); or save a person’s life (Lafayette and Tara); or feel “disturbingly human.” (Sookie and Eric)

So, what you do you say, we get this  lovefest started?

Things That Go Growl In The Night . . .

“Mmmm, Eric, your breath smells refreshingly minty.  What toothpaste do you use?

“AB – Negative.”

When we last left our good pal Sookie, her and Vampire Jessica were “feeling” Bill.  Their “feelings” let them to a crashed car, with a werewolf corpse inside.  Operation Werewolf markings were on both the body and vehicle.   Despite having little luck previously, Sookie, armed with new intel, decided to take another shot at asking Vampire Eric for help in finding her Bill (or should I say “Beaaal” like she says it).  At Fangtasia, Sookie tells Eric about the whole werewolf thing, and initially, he seems unimpressed.  “Your obsession with Bill Compton is going to get you killed,” he says matter-of-factly.

But then Sookie, wisely, does the same thing I do whenever I get pulled over by a cop for suspected speeding (not that it happens often, mind you) . . . She cries!

Oh no!  Not like THAT!  That’s real crying!  Ugly crying!  That NEVER works . . .

Ahh . . . much better!  Good form, Sookie!

Although his facial expression never changes, you can tell that Eric, in his own sexy vampiric way, is highly moved by Sookie’s tears.  “Please don’t do that,” he says without affect, “It makes me feel disturbingly . . . human.”

WOO HOO!  Sookie and Eric sitting in a tree,  K-I-S-S . . .Sorry, got a little carried away for a moment there.  I’m back now . . .  

Dejected, Sookie leaves Fangtasia with a final plea to Eric that he help her find Bill.  At first, it seems as though Eric has no intention of helping Sookie.  Once she is out of sight, he crumbles up the paper she gave him with werewolf intel, and tosses it aside.  But then . . . suddenly, he’s in Germany, in a Nazi uniform, and guess who’s there?

It’s GODRIC!  He’s ALIVE!  I mean . . . DEAD . . . I mean .  . . undead?

Actually, the answer is none of the above.  Godric (played by Allan Hyde) is still very dead-dead, which means this is a World War II flashback.  Apparently (as Eric explains to Sookie later), Operation Werewolf had some sort of connection to the Nazis back in the day, but they, like the vampires, were around long before that. 

In the flashback, a she-wolf eats an American solider.  Eric and Godric come upon her, and Eric attacks the she-wolf.  She claims they are on the “same side.”  Eric disagrees.  (Nice to know my lover isn’t a real Nazi.  That would have been a bit of a turnoff, I think .  . .) 

Like the “Operation” Werewolves in present day, She-Wolf seems a bit hopped up on vampire blood.  She begs Eric for a drink.  And, although Godric cautions against it, Eric complies.  But then She-Wolfs goes apesh*t, and Vampire Eric has to finish her off.  Godric doesn’t like that at all, and he gives Eric a real judgy look.  Parents . . . they’re no fun at all . . .

Later, Jason comes over to Sookie’s house to play.  She tells him how much she misses Bill, and the way he says “Sookeh!”  (Great impression, by the way!  Way to go Anna P!  Bet you and Mr. Moyer were practicing that one in bed!)  She then tells him about the existence of werewolves.  He’s thrilled!  “Does that mean Bigfoot is real too?  SANTA?!”  He asks, excitedly.

 Awww!  Jason!!  Sweet, hot, dim-witted Jason!  I already saw this scene in the promos for the show.  But it still made me giggle and squeal like a little school girl the second time around!

When Sookie arrives at work, she finds herself stalked by a real creepy looking werewolf.  But he disappears before she can get a good look at his ugly mug.  That night, ANOTHER werewolf breaks into Sookie house.  Fortunately, Eric comes to the RESCUE!

There were a ton of great scenes in this episode, but I’m pretty sure this second Sookie / Eric scene of the evening was my favorite, for obvious reasons.  Eric arrives at Sookie’s door and inquires after the intruder.  He then tells her that he lied to her earlier, and comes clean about the whole “Operation Werewolf ” thing.  “Why are you telling me this now?”  Sookie asks.

“Because circumstances have changed . . . I have no interest in rescuing Bill.  In fact, it would be advantageous to me if he were never to return.  However, now they are coming after you .  . . and I . . .”  Eric hesitates, unsure of the proper words.  (He seems almost . . . disturbingly human.)

” . . . my objective was to protect you from danger, not increase it.  Your life is to valuable to throw away,” he finally concludes.

“What do you want me to do?”  Sookie whispers.

“I want you to invite me in, so that I can protect you, and have passionate, primal sex with you.  Hopefully both.”

Sookie seems taken aback by his request, a bit angered by his boldness, and more than a little turned on by the sexual proposition (REMEMBER “stamina” is Eric’s middle name). 

A much stronger woman than I am (You had me at primal sex, Eric!), Sookie insists she still belongs to Bill.  Eric concedes that is true.  They talk a bit about the difficulties of Sookie’s relationship with Bill. 

Suddenly, Eric gets up in Sookie’s face and demands he be invited in.  Sookie begins to argue again, but notes the new insistence in his voice, and ultimately invites him inside.  At that same  moment, a werewolf enters the home, braced for attack. 

Eric bares his fangs, and Sookie grabs her gun and shoots, just as the werewolf begins to pounce . . .

Andy and Jason = BFFs Forever

 Cutest couple EVER!

While Sookie and Eric are battling werewolves and flirting shamelessly with one another, another adorable twosome is navigating the waters of a new and beautiful friendship.  If you recall, Andy has taken the rap for shooting Eggs, even though Jason ACTUALLY shot him, in order to protect his big cuddly loverboy, Andy. 

But now, Andy is being hailed as a hero, an Jason is a bit jealous.  The elder Stackhouse copes with his feelings just like everyone else in this town seems to  . . . by getting wasted, of course!

“I keep trying to be good and do the right thing,” slurs Jason.  “But I always end up doing the wrong thing.”

Andy doesn’t know exactly how to respond to this sudden drunken show of emotion by his bromantic buddy.  So, he does what any good boyfriend would do in this situation, he compliments his pal’s good looks.  “You’re prettier than most girls!”  Andy offers optimistically!

You can say THAT again!  Andy!

But Andy doesn’t say it again.  Instead, he tells Jason that he could do anything he puts his (admittedly small) mind to, as long as he applies himself.  Andy then drags a drunken Jason along with him to a nearby trailer park called “Hot Shot,” where some guy named Calvin Norris is suspected of having a meth lab.  While Andy is attempting to chase down the suspect, Jason comes across one of the few girls out there, who may actually be just as pretty as Jason, himself . . .

Jason tries to talk to Miss Pretty (Lindsay Pulpisher, playing the new upcoming role of Crystal Norris), but she runs away before he can get many words in.  This gives Jason just enough time to tackle Calvin Norris for Andy and save the day!  We knew Andy was right about Jason being pretty.  But, it looks like he was also right about that whole “applying himself” thing.  Who knew?

Vampire Jessica Makes Bill a Grandpa!

 

“Crap!  I’m a mom!  But, how can that be?  I thought I was supposed to be a Virgin for all eternity!  Is this like Divine Conception, or something?”

Vampire Jessica is a bit distracted.  You see, she ate this guy, and fed him her blood.  And now he’s rotting  and decaying, and stinking up her coffin, not to mention her “dad’s” entire house.  So, it’s understandable that she’s not exactly in the mood for nookie.  So, when Hoyt arrives at her home, with a six pack of her favorite brand of True Blood, in hopes of reconciling, she’s a bit less than friendly.

To Hoyt’s credit, he gives this really great heartfelt speech to Vampire Jess, about how he understands why she tried to eat his mother, and how the two of them can fight their flawed natures together.  Vampire Jess is clearly moved by the speech.  But she’s so horrified by the heinous murder she committed, and embarrassed by her stinky home, that she pushes Hoyt away.  And I felt so bad for the poor guy, I literally almost cried. 

Convinced that her “victim” is “Dead-Dead,” Vampire Jessica begins to make plans for his proper disposal, even going as far as to rent a chainsaw to hack up Dead Guy’s body parts (Mmmmm, yummy!)  However, when she returns to the basement that evening, the body is GONE!

Lafayette and Tara Meet Mysterious Men / Decide Life is Worth Living . . .

Surprising precisely NO ONE, Lafayette rescues Tara from her half-hearted pill-swallowing suicide attempt.  Hoping to keep her from trying to off herself again, Lafayette takes Tara to a surprisingly classy mental hospital where Lafayette’s (extremely sharp and witty for a crazy gal) mom is currently residing . . .

Lafayette’s mom (Alfre Woodard) tells Lafayette that he was “killed” when he came out as being gay.  He claims Tara was “killed” too.  “Almost,” replies Tara, quite truthfully. 

Neither Lafayette nor Tara say much to Mommy.  After all, Lafayette didn’t really want to see her, he just wanted to use her to teach Tara a lesson.   Namely, don’t go nuts like my mom, or I’ll lock YOU away too!  Lafayette DOES exchange quite a few words with this guy, however . . .

 . . . his mother’s caretaker, Jesus (played by Kevin Alejandro).

No, no . . . not that one. (It’s pronounced Hay-soos.)

And based on the close talking and lascivious looks these two were giving one another, you just KNOW they are going to hooking up sometime real soon!  It’s HIGH TIME our boy Lafayette got some loving!  After all, he hasn’t had Vampire Eric’s blood in a while, and he REALLY needs something new to dance about . . .

Back at Merlotte’s, a mysterious vampire approaches the bar.  In hopes of making small talk, Tara tells him that she wants to kill herself.  (Very nice, Tara!   What a conversationalist you are!  It’s a real wonder you’re still single!)  Fortunately, for Tara (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), the new vampire dude . . .

 . . . who we know from promos is Franklin Mott (played by James Frain), is unperturbed by Tara’s admission.  In fact, he’s so unperturbed, that later that night, he holds some drunk dudes upright while Tara kicks the crap out of them for fun.  Ahhh . . . young love! 

The Family That Shifts Together, Stays Together . . .

 

“Oh, don’t worry!  This is how we greet ALL of our long lost relatives, down in Hickville!”

After being held at gunpoint by a man who ends up being his biological brother, Tommy (Marshall Allman), Sam is led inside a shabby home.  There, he reunites with his worse-for-wear mother and father.  As it turns out, both Mommy and Tommy Merlotte (well . . . Mickens, actually) are shifters, like Sam, while his father is “normal.” 

Sam’s Mommy cries a bit (but the tears are no where near as pretty as Sookie’s, and therefore, are less, effective) about how she didn’t mean to give up Sam and blah, blah, blah . . .  Sam’s a bit resentful about being put out to pasture to fend for himself as a child, but remains remarkably polite to his trashy bio parents.

The same cannot be said for Sam’s brother, Tommy, who instantly resents him for intruding on his “happy family.”

But then, suddenly (almost TOO suddenly), Tommy wants to make friends.  His olive branch of peace?  “Let’s go for a run,” offers Tommy.

Sam immediately takes off his shirt, and I get excited . . .

But then he turns into a dog . . .

Oh well . . . can’t win em all!

Tommy turns into a dog too.  But he’s this weird funny looking bull dog thing . . . not cute at all.  While the two are out running, a car conveniently swerves into their path. 

 “Miraculously” Tommy has enough foresight to turn into a bird and fly away before the car can hit him.  Sam fares slightly less well, rolling out of the way, just moments before becoming road kill.  The bad news is, his brother clearly tried to kill him.  The good news is, Sam wound up naked in the bushes, as a result.  SO HOT!

Who Knew There Were So Many Good Recipes You Could Make with Blood?

And lastly, we have Vampire Bill and his bloody journey to Mississippi.  It looks like Alan Ball has heard our complaints.  He seems to be totally intent on making Bill Compton more interesting this season. 

 Last week, Bon Temps’ Dullest Vamp starred in that hot gay dream with Sam.  This week, he BIT OFF SOME DUDE’S EAR!  (Now, that’s not very “Southern Gentleman” like, now is it?)  Upon finding Vampire Bill looking like an extra in a zombie movie, Big Gay Vampire King Russell Edgington (Denis O’ Hare) . . .

 

 . . . lectures head werewolf Coot (Grant Bowler) on letting his men feed on Vampire Bill.   He then disposes of the remaining werewolves (aside from Coot).   Finally, in yet another homoerotic scene that would not seem at all out of place on the cover of a romance novel, Russell invites Vampire Bill aboard his massive white steed . . .

Russell brings Vampire Bill back to his bedroom his mansion.  It is there that Bill is introduced to Talbot (played by Theo Alexander), Russell’s lover, as well as home decorater, in-house chef, and host extraordinaire. 

I haven’t known this character long, but already I ADORE him!  In sheer queenishness, Talbot could give Lafayette a real run for his money.  Here’s hoping Talbot ditches old fogey Edgington, and heads to Bon Temp for some Lafayette-flavored loving SUPER soon! 

While Bill and Russell talk business in a way that is polite, while still filled with thinly veiled threats, Talbot regales them with a four course meal that includes, blood sherbert, blood soup, the blood of some Thai boy, and blood from a woman who eats nothing but Tangerines.  Take that lame True Blood bottles from Merlotte’s!

Russell meanwhile has a proposition for Vampire Bill.  If Bill spills the information he has on Queen Sophie Anne, Russell will give him the position of Sheriff of Area 2.  Apparently, Russell would like to marry Sophie Anne, in order to increase the size of his dominion.  He believes that having some blackmail material under his belt, might help him to persuade her to enter into the union.  Bill claims he has no information on Sophie Ann.  However, Russell begs to differ. 

Russell insinuates that Bill initially traveled to Bon Temps on orders from Sophie Anne.  We later learn that Russell has hired someone to search Bill’s home back in Bon Temps.  There, the searcher finds a drawer full of personal information about Sookie. 

Could Bill have seduced Sookie solely on Sophie Anne’s request?  Is there whole relationship a LIE?  If such a development means Sookie will dump Bill’s ass and run straight into Eric’s arms, I say, BRING IT ON, BABY!

When Bill fails to respond to Russell’s insinuations, the Big Gay Vampire King resorts to threatening Sookie’s life (by sending werewolves to her home perhaps?).  That’s when Bill gets angry!  It’s also when his maker Lorena magically appears . . .

And Bill responds by doing what fans of the show have wanted him to do to Lorena since she first appeared . . .

He throws a lamp at her head and SETS THE B*TCH ON FIRE!

Dammit, Bill Compton!  Stop making me like you so much!

That’s all I’ve got folks.  All in all, it was a stellar second episode, in my opinion.  Quick-moving, well-plotted, and jam packed with sexually tense Sookie and Eric goodness — exactly how I like my True Blood!

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