Dance Your Pants Off! – A Recap of Glee’s “Prom Queen”

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“You can get married as many times as you want, but there is only one prom,”  says Quinn Febray, during Glee’s epic PROM EPISODE. 

“This is how I decided to spend the alimony payments from each of my five ex-husbands.  One lame tiara, for each lame man.”

Ahhh . . . the Prom Episode, every teen show has one.  And only some of them are actually worth watching.  After all, when it comes to prom episodes, there’s a whole lot of CLICHE to go around:  the Pre-Prom Pictures, the Ugly Duckling Transformation, the Long, Slow Walk Down the Stairs, while the Admiring Boyfriend Looks On, the Inevitably Fight Over a Girl (or Guy), the Romantic Slow Dance Moment, and, of course, the crowning of the Prom’s King and Queen.  And with cliches, comes a WHOLE LOT OF OPPORTUNITIES to be unmemorable . . .

A MAJOR Opportunity for a Cliche is RIGHT HERE!  It’s a GOOD THING that these two didn’t win Prom King and Queen.  That’s all I’m saying!  (Oh, and Finn?  1985 called.  It REALLY wants your powder blue cumberbund back . . .)

Fortunately, Glee’s “Prom Queen” managed to deftly sidestep all of the typical Prom Episode Traps that were just waiting to trip it up.  The result was a genuinely fun-filled, toe-tapping, heart warming, tear-inducing, hour of television. 

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Oh, you RIDE THAT PONY, Santana!  Ride it hard!

My fellow Gleeks, the time has come to zip up those dresses, strap on the corsages, spike the punch, and practice dancing the night away, in those ridiculously uncomfortable high heels.  In the iconic words of Sam Evan’s “Who’s ready for some PROM?”

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I Love it When Glee Gets All Self-Deprecating and Self-Referential!

“Give me back my BALLS, B*tch!”

The moment I knew that I was going to LOVE this week’s installment of Glee occurred about two minutes into the episode, when Jacob Ben-Israel shoved a microphone in Puck’s face, and asked him a question that was purportedly given to him by “fans at home: “Where does Lauren keep your balls?”

“Fans from Home,” INDEED!  I think MANY of us have been asking ourselves this very question, ever since the writers made the BIZARRE decision to couple Puck and Lauren, back during the Valentine’s Day episode.   So, it’s comforting to know that at least SOMEONE in the writers’ room is listening.  Because, as much as I desperately want to have sex with ADORE my Sexy Puck-meister . . .

. . . even I must admit that he does act a tad “Neutered Puppy”-esque when hanging around a certain Full-Figured Female.

Cute?  Definitely!  Bad Ass?  Not exactly . .  .

 And did you notice how Puck and Lauren had virtually no scenes together, this week?  I smell PROGRESS! 

Strike THREE, Zizes!  YOU’RE OUT!

That being said, the fact that Puck chose to “up his street cred” this week, by (1) NOT spiking the Prom Punch; and (2) rocking out to a rather annoying song written by a 13-year old, leads me to question whether or not Lauren not only chopped off his manhood when she started dating him, but gave him a LOBOTOMY too . . .

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That being said, I still want to attend a party in his pants . . .

In other META-news, when Principal Figgins asks Mr. Schue if his Glee kids could perform at prom (Apparently, Air Supply canceled AGAIN!  Stupid Air Supply!) . . .

. . . Sue Sylvester pipes in with a list of all of the WORST SONGS EVER PERFORMED on Glee by the Glee Club.  Included on this list, of course, are . . .

“Run, Joey, Run”

(Coincidentally, it is from the video of “Run, Joey, Run” that I obtained my absolute FAVORITE, and, admittedly, very much overrused, Sexy White-Tank Wearing Puck GIF, which you may have noticed above.)

AND . . .

 that ridiculous “Hair” / “Crazy in Love” Mashup . . .

Now, THIS was REALLY BAD!

One thing that’s gotta be said for Glee, when the show messes up, at least it’s willing to ADMIT IT . . . most of the time, anyway.

So, Who’s YOUR Prom Date?

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Was it just me, or did Brittany seem unusually smart, this week?  Perhaps, when Lauren cut off the frontal lobe of Puck’s brain, she ended up donating it to the web host of Fondue for Two . . .

There was a bit of intrigue, early on in the episode, regarding which Glee kids would take which other Glee kids to prom.  (Because, HEAVEN FORBID, any of them take NON-CAST MEMBERS, right?)  I mean, we already knew that Finn was going to take Quinn (yawn), Mike was going to take Tina (zzzzzz), Puck was going to take Lauren (BOO!), and Santana and Karofsky were going to be eachother’s closeted dance partners.  But it was interesting to see the, usually proud and independent, Mercedes so decidedly bummed about not having a date .  . .

MERCEDES:  “I can’t understand why no one has asked me to prom yet?”

RACHEL:  “Do you think it might have something to do with the fact that you are wearing a HUGE, SCARY OPEN MOUTH on your chest?”

Some have argued that Mercedes sudden interest in having a boyfriend, when she has seemed to show NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER, in the past, seems out of character, and more like a Plot Device, than anything else.  However, I kind of feel like Mercedes is someone who hides her insecurities behind a cloak of false bravado.  And, as such a person, she would sooner knock something she can’t have, than admit that she truly wants it.  That being said, I love that Mercedes’ friendship with Rachel has evolved to the point where the former can be truly honest with the latter, about her hopes and dreams. 

Ho’s Before Bro’s!

Speaking of Rachel, we all know she can be SUPER selfish sometimes.  So, it was really refreshing to see her take others’ needs into consideration, this week. 

Finny LIKE!

She did this by orchestrating a group date between Mercedes, Sam, and herself so that (1) all of them had dates to the prom; and (2) Sam’s financial situation did not keep him from attending.  Way to go, Rach!

Trouty Mouth is very pleased!

“I am a TOTAL PIMP!”

Meanwhile, Blaine struggles with his own insecurities about attending prom with Kurt, as a result of a traumatic experience, during Blaine’s public school days, when he was beat up for attending a Sadie Hawkins dance with one of his gay friends . ..

In an Awesome Mutually Mature Boyfriend Moment, Kurt, despite obviously REALLY wanting to attend the prom, tells Blaine that he would be willing to skip the event, if Blaine feels uncomfortable with it.  Likewise, Blaine, though clearly not without reservations, loves Kurt so much, that he is willing to face up to his deepest, darkest, fears in order to make Kurt happy.  (By the way, I love how, when Kurt asks Blaine to the prom he actually refers to him as “Blaine Warbler.”  SO CUTE!) 

LOL!  The maker of this picspam and I clearly share a brain. . .

Secretly hoping that their public acts of kindness will win them points in the Prom King and Queen Race, Team Beard, Santana and Karofsky offer to give Kurt round the clock protection from bullying (well . . . at least during school hours).

This inevitably results in some VERY interesting and intense moments between Kurt and Karofsky, which I plan to discuss more fully in just a bit.  But, for now, let’s talk about Artie . . .

Dear, sweet, Artie!  You broke my heart many times over this week, from your Fashion Disaster Prom Wardrobe (Elvis Hair?   Orange Suit?  Ruffled Shirt?  NO!  NO and HELL NO!), to your defeated (and, let’s face it, slightly pathetic) acceptance of torture at the hands of Sue Sylvester.  But nothing you did this week, broke my heart like your failed serenade of Brittany. 

“I know you are mad at me now, but I was wondering if you would possibly be interested in having a threesome with Santana and me?  Best of both worlds, right?”

Sure, you called her stupid, which was probably the ONE thing you could have said to Brittany that would get her to dump you.  And, yes, you kind of added insult to injury, by singing, of all songs, Stevie Wonder’s “Isn’t She Lovely” to her, which is, after all, a song about a NEWBORN BABY . . .

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The lyrics, “Less than ONE MINUTE OLD,” should have probably clued you in to that one . . .

But still, to be shot down, in front of an ENTIRE HOME ECONOMICS class, because your ex tells you that she would rather go to her prom ALONE, and have hot sex with Santana dance with lots of random guys, instead of YOU . . . now that’s GOTTA HURT!  Artie, if I wasn’t sure it would give me a painful electrical shock (I’ve actually tried this before . . . “smart” . . . I know), I probably would have hugged you right through the television screen . . .

Everybody Loves Rachel . . . for a change (well, except, maybe, for Quinn)

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“Yes!  They are fighting over ME!  Rachel Berry!  Everybody loves ME!  I’m awesome. Oh, boys!  Stop fighting!  This is terrible!  Someone is going to get hurt . . . and I can’t afford to break my nose, again.”

Rachel Berry may already have TWO dates to the prom.  But she’s about to get at least one more (and, if Eye F*&king counts as “dating,” possibly TWO more).  We see Rachel practicing her solo number for the prom, Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep.”  Then, seemingly out of nowhere (Seriously, is there NO security at this school?) Jesse St. James magically appears in the auditorium, transforming her already highly emotive solo into an extremely sexually-tense duet . . .

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You can check out the pair’s full performance here . . .

Whatever you may have felt about the so-called “St. Berry pairing” back in Season 1, and it’s unfortunate, not to mention, completely out-of-the-blue, ending . . .

Sunny side down?

 . . . the sexual chemistry between Jonathan Groff and Lea Michele is undeniable (which is odd, considering that Groff is so clearly GAY).  And never is the pair more on fire, than when they are mutually breaking into song.  If you recall, this is precisely how the couple’s relationship first began . . .

JESSE: “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a woman on top of a piano.  It’s very Pretty Woman.”

RACHEL:  “But we are in a library . . . and there are old people in the background, watching us.”

JESSE: “Doesn’t that turn you on?”

RACHEL: “Not really.”

JESSE:  “Work with me here.  I’m trying to get you laid.”

Though, admittedly, I prefer the original Adele version of “Rolling in the Deep” to what “Rachel and Jesse” performed here, both the acting and directing of this scene are positively flawless.  I love the way the singers’ facial expressions alternate from almost angry, to wistful, to attracted, to indifferent, to competitive, and, finally, to joyous at various points throughout the number.  I also appreciate the way Rachel and Jesse circle one another around the piano, as they sing, engaging in what seems to be a strange, and undoubtedly sexual, mating dance between predator and prey . . . lover and scorned . . . where the participants are each simultaneously playing both roles.

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JESSE:  “There is something different about you.  Did you get a nose job?”

RACHEL: “No, Jesse!  I decided against doing that.  Geez!  Don’t you watch Glee?”

As it turns out, Jesse, who was supposedly a senior in high school, during the show’s first season, has (conveniently) dropped out of college, and now (also conveniently) wishes to start his own business as a consultant to Glee Clubs and show choirs.  His reason for breaking into McKinley High?  Well, it seems to be two-fold: 

(1) He wishes to apologize to Rachel for the whole “egg-head” business.  Apparently, selling his girlfriend out for a fourth consecutive championship win of a HIGH SCHOOL competition seems short-sighted to him, in hindsight  (Gee, ya think?); and

(2) He knew Rachel’s prom was coming up, and wanted to take her.  (You know . . . because college guys always keep track of rival high school’s social calendars, while they are away.)

Was this a contrived way for the writers to bring back this character?  Absolutely.  And yet, I’m actually really excited about Jesse’s return, not only because I enjoy his interactions with Rachel (She tends to be WAY less whiny and annoying, when she’s with him.), but because I’m positively THRILLED about what his return is going to do to Finn . . .

Watch out Finn-y!  Your emotions are showing!

Speaking of Finn, he sure seemed to be All Aboard the Rachel Train, this week, didn’t he?  The minute Finn learned that Rachel was considering taking Jesse to prom, he suddenly seemed SUPER CONCERNED about Rachel “getting her heart broken again.” 

 (After all, the only person allowed to break Rachel’s heart is FINN, right?) 

Rachel rightly tells Finn to go f*&k himself, that, as someone who’s currently dating Quinn, he has NO RIGHT to weigh in on Rachel’s romantic rendezvous.  Rachel (Bless her heart, girlfriend was pure PERFECTION this episode!) then proceeds to make Finn even SORRIER about dating the wrong girl, by expertly offering him advice on how to purchase the perfect corsage for his ACTUAL girlfriend but probably not for long Quinn.  (“A Gardenia . . . with a green ribbon around it .  .  . to match her eyes,” Rachel suggests).

Oh, Finn!  You poor smitten, little boy!  You are SO SCREWED!

Tension rises between Finn and Jesse, when the two encounter one another at Breadsticks (which, apparently, is the only restaurant in Lima, Ohio) later in the episiode.  Finn, in a not-so-subtle allusion to the “Little Game of Egg Toss” Jesse played with Rachel’s head, last season, asks the college dropout, if he ordered “eggs” for dinner. 

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In return, Jesse makes a few snide remarks about Finn’s bad dancing skills .  . .

Ahem . . .

 . . . even going as far as to offer HIMSELF to QUINN as a dance partner, when she gets tired of Finn-y Boy stepping on her feet.

Jesse – 1, Finn – 0

At the prom, when Rachel sings her solo number to Christina Perri’s “Jar of Hearts”  (What happened to “Rolling in the Deep”?) Finn, who just so happens to be dancing with Quinn at the time, keeps leering at Rachel, as if he wants to swallow her whole . . .

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And, later, when Jesse starts getting all hot and handsy with Rachel on the dance floor . . .

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 . . . Finny Boy conveniently misinterprets Rachel’s nearly orgasmic reaction as displeasure and TOTALLY SNAPS, attacking Jesse like a wild drooling rabid dog, who hasn’t eaten in weeks.  This, of course, gets BOTH Jesse and Finn promptly tossed out of the prom.  Quinn is upset by this, because she BELIEVES it will prevent her from winning prom queen.  But, in all honesty, she actually doesn’t win, because nobody really likes her . . .

Take that, Lucy Caboosey!

The smallest little violin in the world begins playing, as Quinn rushes off sobbing to the bathroom (“I’m not going to be prom queen, BOO HOO HOO!  My life is over.  I’m transferring schools  . . . AGAIN,” she wails.)

And Rachel, ever the glutton for punishment, actually rushes in to comfort this b*tch.  (Seriously, Rachel was like SUPERHUMANLY ANGELIC this week.  This means that, next week, the writers will probably make her Evil Incarnate.)  So, what does Rachel get for trying to be a decent human being to Quinn in her so-called hour of need?  Well, she gets THIS . . .

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But, like I said, Rachel COULD DO NO WRONG this week.  And even after Quinn gives her “free blush” on one side of her face, Rachel sticks around to find out why Quinn is “so upset.” 

Well, for starters, Quinn is upset because she currently wants Finn.  Tomorrow, she might want Puck.  And the day after, she might want Sam.  But today, it’s Finn.  And the day Quinn wants someone, she’ll be DAMNED if he’s interested in someone else!

What I found interesting about Quinn’s “little speech,” was that she seemed LESS upset about the fact that Finn seems currently more attracted to Rachel, than to her, and MORE upset about the fact that OTHER people noticed that, and, (she thinks) didn’t select them as Prom King and Queen because of it.  Way to keep your priorities straight, girl!

“Oh, don’t cry Quinn . . . it gives you wrinkles.”

The other thing Quinn claims to be worried about, is something the writers ALWAYS have her character worry about, every time they want to make her “sympathetic” to the audience.  Quinn complains to Rachel that life is SO MUCH HARDER for her, than it is for Rachel, because, unlike Rachel Quinn is just so pretty.  And as a result of her ridiculous attractiveness (and lack of other redeeming qualities), post-high school life for Quinn might actually end up being pretty darn disappointing. 

I hate to say it, but Quinn’s probably right about her future . . . 

Nonetheless, Rachel lies through her teeth, assuring Quinn that she’s more than just a pretty face.   She’s a better person than me, that Rachel.  That’s for DAMN sure!

You know who else is a MUCH better person than I am? EVERYBODY Kurt Hummel.

Kurt Reigns Over the Prom

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One of the coolest things about Kurt Hummel, I think, is that he’s not just content to be an out-and-proud teen.  Rather, Kurt sees it as his personal mission to educate teens and adults on having tolerance for various alternative lifestyles.  And though that Bizarre Kilt Thing Kurt wanted to wear to prom, SERIOUSLY freaked out his dad, Finn and Blaine, not to mention rivaled only ARTIE’S tuxedo, as the WORST PROM OUTFIT ever . . .

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 . . . I still respected the courage it took for Kurt to wear it.  Speaking of respect, I think Karofsky gained a whole lot of it for Kurt, when the latter found it in his heart, not just to forgive the former for bullying him, but also to take pity on the pain he was experiencing as a closeted gay youth . . .

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Kurt’s kindness, and his recognition of Karofsky’s inner turmoil, causes the normally stoic jock to break down into uncharacteristic tears.  Moved by Karofsky’s display of emotion, Kurt encourages him to stop hiding his true self, and come out of the closet “not tomorrow, but when you can.”

Unfortunately, things take a turn for the worst at prom, when Puck and Sam sing Rebecca Black’s Friday, which, though better than the original version, still makes me want to clean out my ears with bleach . . .

SAM:  “We are SO going to get our asses kicked for doing this song, aren’t we?”

PUCK: “Mmmm hmm.”

 . . . Karofsky gets crowned Prom King . . .

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Well, I guess that’s not such a bad thing, in and of itself.  But then, in a cruel twist, the McKinley High School kids insensitively nominate KURT as Prom Queen, causing both him AND Santana, to run out of the auditorium in tears.

Blaine sweetly comforts Kurt outside by the lockers, offering him the same comforting safety net, Kurt had offered him back when he worried about attending the prom in the first place.  “We don’t have to stay here, you know.  We can leave and never look back.”  But Kurt isn’t ready to accept defeat just yet.  Instead, he decides to (1) return to the auditorium and get coronated; (2) dance to Mercedes’ and Santana’s rendition of “Dancing Queen;” and (3) in doing so, impliedly, tell all the homophobes in his student body to go F*&k Themselves . . .

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(By the way, PRINCIPAL FIGGINS, the kids at your school play a practical joke on a gay male student, by electing him prom queen, and YOU allow him to be coronated to the tune of DANCING QUEEN, of all songs!  FOR SHAME!)

That being said, since it WAS Mercedes and Santana singing, don’t you think they could have . . . I don’t know . . . sang a DIFFERENT SONG?  Like “Macho Man,” perhaps? 😉

For a moment, it looks as though Karofsky might muster up the courage to actually dance with Kurt.  But, seeing his classmates’ reaction to Kurt’s bold acceptance of the crown, frightens Karofsky to his core.  And, at the last second, Karofsky runs from the auditorium, once again, in tears.  Fortunately, Blaine is standing right behind Kurt at the time, and is more than willing to “have this dance” with him.

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(Speaking of Blaine, his rocking out to the most awkwardly titled song ever, the “I’m Not Going to Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance,” was pretty awesome, right?   Now, don’t get me wrong,, it’s not that I particularly love the song.  But boyfriend SURE CAN DANCE!  Plus, I found the number refreshingly non-Warbler-esque, which was great . . . for me, anyway!)

I mentioned Santana, earlier.  She shared a very sweet scene with Brittany outside the auditorium, in which she tearfully wondered why everyone hated her, just because SHE hated THEM. 🙂  An unusually-wise-this-week Brittany argued that the rest of the school didn’t vote for Santana because they would rather play a mean joke on Kurt because they can somehow tell that she’s not being true to herself.  (Now, that’s a nice idea and all.  But, then, how did KAROFSKY win?) 

Argument fallacies aside, my heart warmed a bit, when Brittany told Santana that if she “embraced the awesomeness of who she is, she would have won.”  Now, honestly, I’m not sure I believe that .  . . but it was a sweet thing to say, nonethless. 

And when Brittany politely told Santana to stop whining, pull her head out of her ass, and be supportive to Kurt in his time of need, well, that was EVEN sweeter . . .

Wearer of the Worst Prom Outfit Ever . . . meet the Worst Plotline Ever.

As I sort of mentioned earlier, there was also this sort of bizarre storyline, in which Puck convinced Artie to spike the punch at the dance . . . and then Sue Sylvester CAUGHT Artie doing it . . . so she randomly tortured him with dental tools . . . until she found out that he DIDN’T actually spike the punch? 

Yeah . . . rest assured, that plotline was about as random, and annoying to watch, as it probably was to read.  So,I’m not going to spend any more time on it than what you see here.  . .  except to say that, perhaps, the whole point of the storyline was simply to once-again punish Artie for wearing that Ugly Ass Suit . . .

Don’t worry Artie!  Everyone makes mistakes!  Next week will be better for you, I promise.  (Because, we all know it can’t get much worse!)

So, that was basically “Prom Queen” in a nutshell.   Next week’s Glee installment, entitled “Funeral,” promises to be a much darker episode. . . not to mention, a deadlier one.  You can check out the promo for THAT episode HERE . . .

Now, it’s time to start speculating, my fellow Gleeks, if you haven’t started already.  Which cast member do you think has already sung his (or her) final Swan Song?  Tune in next week to find out . . .

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The Secret (and Scandalous) Lives of Gleeks – A Recap of Glee’s “Rumours”

Of all the secrets revealed in this week’s episode of Glee, this one, about Lord Tubbington, was probably the most shocking . . .

I’ve got a secret.  (Shhh!  Don’t tell anyone.) 

Before seeing this episode of Glee, I knew next to nothing about Fleetwood Mac.  I didn’t know who they were, or what songs they sang, or why their band name sounds like something you’d see on the menu at McDonalds. 

“I’ll have a Fleetwood Mac with Cheese, please.”

Come to think of it, saying I knew “next to nothing” about Fleetwood Mac was probably a bit generous, on my part.  Right?

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And since this week’s Glee installment was based entirely on ONE Fleetwood Mac album (entitled, appropriately enough “Rumors”) I’m at a bit of a disadvantage, in terms of writing this recap. 

But one thing I DO know a lot about is GOSSIP.  After all, EVERYBODY gossips.  GOSSIP IS FUN . . . at least, when it’s not about YOU.  Fortunately, all of the gossip in this week’s episode is about the GLEE KIDS (and Will).  So, we can just sit back, relax, and enjoy the train wrecks that are OTHER people’s lives, for a change! 

Sorry Mr. Schue!

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s start spreading those NASTY rumors, we all secretly love so much!

Santana “bats for the Pink Team,” Mike Chang has a big . . . eggroll, and Brittany’s cat EATS CHEESE!

“So, let me get this straight . . . it’s a show . . . within a show . . . within a recap .  . . about the show.  How META!”

 Geez!  For a television character who doesn’t know how to sign her own name, only writes in crayon, and was once quoted as saying that she “[doesn’t] know how to turn on a computer,” Brittany S. Pearce sure is tech savvy! 

“I don’t even know what either of those words mean.”

I mean, it’s not easy to create your own online webshow, complete with expert camera handling (Who exactly was supposed to be filming that bit, anyway?), a VERY catchy opening theme song, and snazzy on-screen graphics!  And yet, somehow, Brittany hosts Fondue for Two, which I’m pretty sure is the best web program ON THE PLANET! 

(I’m serious!  More of THIS, please!)

Perhaps, one of the coolest things about Fondue for Two (aside from it teaching us that Mike Chang’s abs aren’t the only part of his body that’s “firm and strong”) . . .

“My boyfriend’s Hot Dog is THIS BIG!”

“I find that offensive.”

 . . . was that it finally introduced us to BRITTANY’S CAT, LORD TUBBINGTON!

Now THOSE are some hot abs . . .

Though Lord Tubbington (or as I like to refer to him Tubbie Bear) had never appeared on Glee before, his reputation certainly proceeds him.  After all, he and Brittany have what you would call a “love-hate relationship.”  Remember when Brittany worried that her cat was reading her diary? 

A younger (and slightly thinner) Lord Tubbington caught in the act . . .

How, about the time when Brittany became convinced that her dentist, Dr. Carl, was actually her cat in disguise?

“Mind if I lick your face?”

And, this week, Brittany let Lord Tubbington eat cheese right out of her fondue pot (He’s on the Atkins Diet), and get interviewed on her web show, even though she “knows he started smoking again.”

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LORD TUBBINGTON THINKS:  “Dammit, she must have found my secret stash in the litter box.  I thought I buried it really deep too!”

Personally, I’m hoping Tubbie Bear becomes a series regular on the show, complete with his own solo number and love interest . . .

“What’s new, Pussy Cat?”

Sue’s Evil Plan to Ruin # 5,672 (and 5,673)

Breaking News:  Sue Sylvester just signed on to play an Extra in Avatar 2 – Electric Boogaloo

Back in Evil Villain Land, Sue inexplicably dresses up as a scary aging rockstar, and an even scarier Republican . . .

This image gave me nightmares.

Apparently, some one in the writers room thought this was really funny / a good idea.  That makes one of us . . .

Anywhoo . . . this week Sue tries to bring down the Glee Club, by starting a newspaper, who’s sole purpose is to spread rumors, through fake blind items about Glee Club members . . .

Terri’s idea to ruin the Glee club is a bit more practical.  She calls upon April Rhodes . . .

SURPRISE, Glee Fan!  You’ve just won Another Recycled Guest Star!

 . . .  and convinces her to invite Will to star with her in her own Broadway production about her life (Such a humble character, that April!).  After all, Terri knows that Will has always wanted to take his shot at succeeding on the Great White Way . . .

Sing it, Schuester!

And if April can convince him to move to New York with her, not only will Sue get Will out of the Glee club, Terri will get Will out of his apartment, so SHE can move back in.  (Pretty clever, right?)

And today’s lesson is . . .

OMG!  What is with these bizarre facial expressions?  Step aside, Jim Carrey!  Hollywood has a Brand New Rubberface (who probably charges a whole lot less than you do . . .)

Just as planned, Sue’s blind items tear the Glee club to shreds!  First Santana calls Brittany out for OUTING her as LEBANESE in public.  (As it turns out, when she said Santana was “batting for the other team,” she was actually only referring to extracurricular activities.)  Meanwhile, Finn thinks Quinn is cheating on him with Sam; Quinn thinks Finn is cheating on HER with Rachel; and Artie thinks Brittany is cheating on HIM with Santana (which, of course, she TOTALLY is).  It’s just a WHOLE BIG MESS.

But fear not, Gleeks!  Because in our darkest hour, there is only one thing on which we can count: Will Schuester and his Lucky Episode Sponsor Lesson of the Week . . .  That’s right boys and girls!  To teach his little kiddies the importance of being able to rise above the hurtful power of rumors, Will has chosen to force his class to sing songs who’s lyrics revolve around the hurtful power of rumors.  an album that actually has little to do with secrets or gossip, but just so happens to be called “Rumours.”  HOORAY!

Will’s idea is that since, singing these particular songs, helped keep Fleetwood Mac from breaking up, covering them will keep New Directions from falling apart.  IT’S GENIUS!  (Well . . . not really . . . but we can pretend, right?)

Will’s Dreams . . . are Dead . . . (Or Are They?)

To kick things off, Will introduces Three-Time Guest Star April Rhodes (One more appearance, and she wins a free dinner at The Olive Garden Breadsticks) to the class AGAIN.  April then proceeds to bump, grind, and inappropriately seduce the underage males in the class (and Will) with her rendition of Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams.”

Like I said, the relationship this particular song has to “rumors” is pretty tenuous.  But April does a nice job with it, and the kids seem to enjoy it enough.  April continues her plot to seduce Will over to the Dark Side of the Great White Way, through (1) a homecooked meal of Flirtation and Eye F*ckery . . .

Was anybody else watching this scene worried that either April or Will would end up setting their matching butt chins on fire?  Come to think of it . . . that would have been really funny.

. . . and (2) a RIDICULOUSLY BAD original song duet  .  . .

Not surprisingly, by the time April pops the “Come to Broadway with Me” question, Will is already well-primed toward saying “yes.”  Further complicating matters, is a surprisingly supportive, New and Improved / Washes Fruit Significantly Less, Emma . . .

Look guys!  Emma ate this grape off the FLOOR, after only soaking in water it for ONE-HALF HOUR!

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Talk about better living through chemistry!

Anyway, New and Improved Emma thinks Will is “really talented” and should “follow his dreams.”  Hearing this admission causes the Schue to cry.

But, fortunately, having undoubtedly been told by show producers his friends that his Ugly Cry Face would frighten the Boogeyman himself, Will tones it down a notch with the Facial Squinchiness . . .

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Less Ugly Cry Face, More Eye F*&kery and Mutual Fruit Fondling

As it turns out, Will feels genuinely torn between pursuing his dream of fame and fortune, and . . . hanging out with the Glee kids / f*&king washing fruits with Emma . . .  Such a dilemma!

To make matters worse, Sue sends out Brittany to pepper Schue with questions about his Broadway Aspirations (and, of course, what type of underwear he wears . . . inquiring minds want to know).

It looks like the answer is “boxer briefs (with stuffed chickens coming out of the crotch).”

“Will’s Hot Dog is this big . . .”  (Sorry Schue!  It looks like Mike Chang has you beat, this time!)

When THAT doesn’t work, Sue publishes an article in her paper stating that Will has ALREADY decided to leave McKinley for Broadway.  Met with an upset bunch of Glee kids, Will quickly puts rumors of his departure from the cast McKinley to rest.  Nevertheless, based on the pouty, mopey, I just poopied in my boxer brief look on his face, at the end of the episode . . .

. . . coupled with New Directions upcoming trip to Broadway’s NYC for the Glee Club National Competition, I can’t help but think that, for better or worse, this particular storyline is FAR from over . . .

Brittany gets screwed over by EVERYONE (except the chain-smoking, but still very loveable, Lord Tubbington, of course!)

Now, THAT’S an Attractive Cry Face!

Poor Brittany!  She just couldn’t win this week!  First a TRUE rumor gets published in the school newspaper that she’s been cheating on Artie with Santana.  When Artie confronts her about it, Brittany informs him that SANTANA told HER that having sex with a GIRL does not equal cheating on your BOYfriend.  Artie accuses Santana of manipulating Brittany into engaging in Horizontal Lebanese Dancing with her. 

And when Brittany comes to Santana’s defense, calling her lover a “good person,” Artie REALLY loses it.  “Why are you SO stupid?”  He asks.

“Oh, HELL TO THE NO!”

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“You were the only person who never called me that,” exclaims Brittany, before dashing off, right into SANTANA’S ARMS!

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After EFFING UP ROYALLY, Artie tried to insert his foot in his mouth.  Unfortunately . . . well . . . you know . . . he can’t do that .  . . So, instead, he sang a Fleetwood Mac song, while the entire male student body magically appeared behind him to accompany him on their guitars . . .

“Where the heck did all these people come from?”

The song is called “Never Going Back Again,” and it pretty much symbolizes the end of the “Bartie” relationship, as we know it.  The song goes a little something like this . . . (Click the internal link to view.)

Meanwhile, Santana shares HER true feelings with Brittany (who’s breakup with Artie has her feeling like a “Sad Panda”) . . .

Sad Pandas are AWESOME!

 . . .by serenading her with (SURPRISE!) another Fleetwood Mac song.  This one is called “Songbird.”  And it’s lyrics are about as lovey-dovey / mushy gushy as they come . . .

But sexy lesbian serenades are not enough for Brittany.  She wants Santana out of the closet, and she wants her out NOW, dammit!  Of course, Santana is worried that coming out as a lesbian will cause the kids at school to treat her differently. 

So, Brittany offers to come out, HERSELF first, on Fondue for Two, by asking Santana to prom.  Then, Santana can follow suit.  Sounds like a good idea, right? 

WRONG!  Poor Britt gets STOOD UP on webshow night. (She is forced to interview Tubbie Bear on the show, instead.  Maybe she should ask HIM to prom!)  She is then further insulted, upon hearing Santana purposefully starting rumors about her and Karofsky hooking up, sending the Lebanese Dancer even further back into the closet.  “Vote Santofsky for Prom King and Queen,” Santana exclaims, in an interview with McKinley High’s resident Nerd Ball Jacob Ben Israel . . .

Unfortunately, it like our Poor Sad Panda isn’t going to be a Happy Bamboo Chewing One (See, what I did there?) for at least another week . . .

Thank goodness she has such an Attractive Cry Face, or she’d be TOTALLY screwed!

Stakeouts are fun! (But not nearly as fun as Car Sex!)

RACHEL:  “When people go to hotel rooms to have affairs, don’t they usually CLOSE the curtains?  I mean, we can see those people doing it!”

FINN: (distracted) “You know, I’ve never seen that ‘position’ done before.  It looks rather painful.”

RACHEL:  “I think you are right.  Let’s test it out . . . for scientific purposes, I mean.”

Brittana and Bartie-land isn’t the only place where Love Triangle Angst is brewing!  When a blind item in the school paper suggests that Quinn has been seen spending late nights at a Seedy Motel called, conveniently enough, “The American Family Hotel” (haha!) with Sam, Rachel (out of the “goodness of her heart”) offers to accompany Finn on his “stakeout” of the place.  What they find there is THIS . . .

Rachel (who, at the beginning of the episode, asked Sam to prom and was DENIED) is partially relieved, by this recent turn of events.  Now, she can rest assured that Sam is only not interested in her because he is already taken, not because she is unbearably annoying, as was previously thought.  This also gives Rachel the PERFECT opportunity to get into those Finn Hudson Pantalones!  (HOORAY!)

Silly CAMERA angle!  You cut out the best part!

Of course, when Quinn is confronted about this so-called affair, she denies it.  Furthermore, she accuses FINN of cheating on HER with Rachel.  Then again, these three individuals are ALL such chronic cheaters / bed hoppers, you really can’t blame any of them for not trusting one another . . .

Nevertheless, Rachel attempts to prove that SHE is the right woman for the Satisfy Finn Sexually job through . . . you guessed it . . . yet another Fleetwood Mac song . . .

This one is called, “Go Your Own Way” . . .

The plot thickens when, the NEXT NIGHT, Rachel and Finn car f*ck stake out the Seedy Motel again, only to come upon THIS . . .

I smell a Motel Orgy!

So, NOW, of course, Rachel and Finn are convinced that KURT is cheating on Blaine with SAM . . .

“Take my man from me, and I will SWALLOW YOU WHOLE, Trouty Mouth!”

To add further fuel to the fire, Rachel notices that Sam has started  . . . um . . . wearing Kurt’s CLOTHES . . .

 .  . . (but fortunately nothing from his Ugly Hat Collection).

But Quinn insists that Sam is NOT GAY.  So, eventually, Rachel and Finn see no choice but to comfront  Sam directly at Glee practice . . . in front of EVERYBODY.

“They think I’m a TOTAL male whore .  . . AWESOME!”

Sam then proceeds to make Finn and Rachel feel like Absolute and Complete Sh*t, by informing them that, the reason half the cast has been visiting him at the Sleazebag Motel is that he’s been . . . wait for it . . . LIVING THERE!

Say it ain’t so, Trouty Mouth!

As it turns out, Sam’s dad lost his job, which caused Sam’s family to lose their house, which caused Sam to sell ALL HIS CLOTHES, and move in with his ENTIRE family (including two younger siblings) into this fleabag motel. 

As for Quinn and Kurt, they had both learned about this beforehand (Quinn through her Church Group, and Kurt through Sam delivering pizzas at night to Dalton Academy where Kurt and Blaine regularly grabbed midnight snacks, after rousing rounds of Hard Core Sex), and were simply trying to be supportive to their friend, by lending him clothing, and a shoulder to cry on. 

In a rousing finale, the Glee Club bands together to repurchase Sam’s sold guitar back for him.  Together, the group celebrates Sam’s Newfound Poverty with . . . do I even have to say it . . . a FLEETWOOD MAC song.  This one I actually recognized.  It’s called “Don’t Stop” (which should not be confused with that OTHER “Don’t Stop” song the Glee kids sing.  That song’s title, unlike this one, ends with the word, “Believing”)

And that was “Rumours,” in a nutshell.  As you can probably tell from this recap, it wasn’t exactly my favorite episode.  Yet, “Rumours” did feature some incredible acting on the parts of Chord Overstreet (Who knew Trouty Mouth had it in him?), Naya Rivera, and Heather Morris.  And, of course, there was the adorable Lord Tubbington.

I said it once before, but it bears repeating.

Next week’s prom-themed episode, on the other hand, promises to be SUPER exciting, complete with girlfights, romance, weird wardrobe choices, the return of old villains, and, hopefully, NO MORE FLEETWOOD MAC songs!  You can check out the surprisingly intense trailer for the episiode here:

See, ya next time, Gleeks!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Bye, Bye Birdie! Hello Nationals! – A Recap of Glee’s “Original Songs”

KURT:  “Here lies My Virginity, which you will be taking from me, about twenty minutes after the final credits roll on this episode.”

BLAINE: “That’s your Virginity?  I didn’t expect it to look so .  . . small.”

KURT:  “If you don’t like it, I’d be more than happy to give it to Karofsky.”

BLAINE:  “No . . . NO!  It’s beautiful!  I’ll take it!”

Talk about a JAM-PACKED Glee episode!  This week’s installment featured, no less than TWELVE SONGS (I’m still not sure how they managed to squeeze a plot in there!), a Regionals Competition, a funeral, a Sue Sylvester knockout, and possibly one of the most eagerly anticipated makeout sessions this show has EVER SEEN!

So much drama . . . so much music . . . so much trouty mouth, and big ass . . . heart!  We better get started now, or we will be here ALL NIGHT!

(Note:  All the YouTube Videos with the words “pixtiny.com” on the bottom, are not fully embedded.  So, just click on the internal links to view them.  The rest of the videos I included should play directly from this site.)

Kurt . . . is . . . in MIS-ERY!  (And there’s only one person who could comfort him.)

“That’s MEEEEEEEE!”

The episode begins at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Dalton Academy, where the Warblers are, once again, bopping around their choir room awkwardly, like this . . .

(Seriously, these guys REALLY need to rethink their choreography!)

 . . . while their fearless leader, Harry Potter Blaine No-Last-Name-Yet, leads them in a rousing rendition of Maroon 5’s Misery, a song who’s original version has been in high rotation on my iPod FOREVER since it was released last summer.  Misery is pretty much your basic run-of-the-mill Warbler fare.  It doesn’t look or sound too different from When I Get You Alone or Bills, Bills, Bills or any other ditty we’ve heard come out of Blaine’s luscious lips, this season (more on THOSE later).  But since I absolutely adore this song, they get a Free Pass on that from me . . . 

Now, while I may have given the Warblers a Free Pass on Misery, Kurt most certainly did not.  I actually gave a little standing ovation from my couch, when Young Hummel finally called out the love of his life for being the Rachel Berry of Dalton Academy.  “Your solos are breathtaking . . . they are also .  . . numerous.  Sometimes I feel less like I’m part of the Warblers, and more like a backup singer for Blaine and the Pips,” Kurt snarks.

“Oh, NO you didn’t!”

Oh, yes, Mr. Schue!  HE WENT THERE!  And, can I just say, it’s ABOUT DAMN TIME!  Blaine looked a bit shocked at being called out in this way.  But, to his credit, he neither denied what Kurt said, nor issued any sort of rebuttal.  In fact, he actually seemed fairly impressed that SOMEONE in his group would have the guts to say this to him . .  .

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DADDY LIKE!

But, alas, all is not well in Hogwarts Dalton Land!  Voldemort has arrived!  The Warbler’s prized little mascot, Pavarotti, seems to have flapped his little yellow wings for the very last time . . .

“WTF Glee!  You can’t kill me off, NOW!  I was just two tweets away from getting my SAG card!  Now I have to wait for them to make Angry Birds into a movie . . .

I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that I did actually shed a tear or two for Pavarotti.  This, when you think about it, is kind of ridiculous, considering the bird in question only actually appeared on-screen twice throughout the entire season.  The rest of the time, he was nothing more than a yellow cotton ball in a Burberry-covered cage . . .  And yet,  Kurt has carried around that cage for half a season now!   In fact, I’m pretty sure if there was a “Warbler Kurt” Doll, it would come with Pavarotti, as an accessory.  So, when that little yellow cotton ball died, a part of Kurt died right along with it . . .

“I wish the Will Doll came with an accessory!”

Stricken with grief over the unexpected loss of Pavarotti, Kurt interrupts a Warbler song meeting, and requests that he be allowed to sing a song in the dead bird’s honor.  The song he chooses is the Beatles’ “Blackbird.”  Admittedly, this is a strange choice of song for two reasons: (1) Pavarotti was obviously not “black,” he was “yellow;” and (2) when it was originally written, the song “Blackbird” was meant to serve as a metaphor for the Civil Rights Movement, as opposed to being taken  . . . um .  . . literally.  And yet, considering the alternatives, I think this was the best song choice Kurt could have made.  Because if he had, instead, started belting out “Bye Bye Birdie” a la Sal Romano from Mad Men, THAT would have been super inappropriate . .  .

And yet . . . at the same time . . . REALLY FUNNY!

Did I mention that Kurt showed up to sing his tweet-alicious solo, dressed like a cross between Elvis, Johnny Cash, and Christian Siriano from Project Runway?

“Fierce!”

Of course, the song was beautiful!  As we learned from his rendition of “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” a few months back, Chris Colfer interprets Beatles songs like no other.  But, for me, the most amazing thing about this number, was the way Blaine responded to it. 

 Most of us wait our entire lives to have someone look at us, with the kind of love and admiration that was on display here.  I must admit, watching Blaine come to the realization that he was now, and had always been, totally and completely in love with Kurt, was enough to melt my snarky, cynical, and almost criminally unromantic heart . . .

Prepare to be awwwwwwwwww-ed!

Shortly thereafter, the Warblers’ hold their meeting regarding which two songs Blaine they will perform at Regionals.  At the meeting, Kurt shocks everyone, by suggesting that, instead of Blaine singing both songs all by himself (while the rest of the group does the Pee-Pee Dance behind him and hums) why not include  . . .  a duet?

Blaine then pipes in and suggests that he sing the duet with . . . Kurt.

The Warblers’ put it to a vote.  And, since none of these Cute Musical Robots have been programmed to do anything aside from hum, do the pee-pee dance, and agree with everything Blaine says, they almost unanimously vote to let Blaine and Kurt du-et with eachother. .  .  (Get it?  Du-et?   Sounds like do  . . . nevermind.)

BLAINE: “If Pavarotti the Animatronic Bird has had more speaking lines than you, this season, please raise your hand.”

While “practicing” for his duet with Blaine, Kurt gets up the courage to ask his soon-to-be-Boy-Toy, why he chose to sing the duet with him, rather than one of the older Warblers.  Blaine then sits down next to Kurt, and looks intently at him, with those big brown teddy bear orbs of his.  “There is a moment,” he begins, when you look at someone, and think, ‘Oh, there you are!  I’ve been looking for you forever.’  Yesterday, when you sang Blackbird, that was a moment for me . . . about you.”

This is the second time, in a single hour, that Blaine managed to give me chills.  The way that Blaine then bent over to kiss Kurt . . .  the way Kurt gently, and then more aggressively, grabbed Blaine’s face with his right hand . . . the way the pair looked at one another in complete awe and wonderment, after it was over, before going back  in for seconds . . . it was all . . .  MAGICAL.  There is just no other way to describe it . . .

WATCH!  I dare you not to be moved . . .

BURT:  “I bet you are glad I gave you that sex talk NOW, aren’t you, son?  Now, give me back my PAMPHLETS!”

Meanwhile, back at McKinley High . . .

Rachel is the Only Berry on Her Family Tree (and Quinn is just a B*tch).

Rachel is still trying to write an original song about something that doesn’t involve head gear.  Her second performance for Finn, is entitled “Only Child.”  In it, Rachel decries the horror, of never being able to sleep in bunk beds, and being the “only Berry on her family tree.” 

Yes, it was a LAME song.  (I, for one, prefer “My Headband.”)  And yet, as an only child, myself . . . I must say, I can relate!  (I always REALLY wanted a bunk bed . .  . before I learned how hard they are to climb to the top of, while inebriated.  Thanks, College!)

While Finn is not-so-subtly telling Rachel, that this is “Strike Two” on the Original Song attempts, Quinn is watching from a distance, plotting a Massive Rachel Take Down of Mean Girls Proportions.  After all, Quinn NEEDS TO BE PROM QUEEN!  And she NEEDS FINN IN ORDER TO DO IT . . . 

(Ughhh!  Can someone please knock this ho-bag up, again?  I’m tired of Evil Quinn, or, as Finn calls her, “Scary Quinn.”  I want Insecure Baby Bump Quinn BACK!)

“My Precious!”

Careful, Quinn!  This guy wanted to be Prom Queen too.   And look what happened to HIM!

“Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”  That’s the motto Quinn decides to live by, when she supports Rachel’s renewed request that New Directions perform original songs at Regionals.  Quinn even offers to help Rachel come up with a new song!

Except, when the two do finally start to write, and Rachel asks Quinn whether she and Finn are back together, Quinn shows her true colors, by telling Rachel that she is not meant to be with Finn.  Apparently, Quinn has given this A LOT of thought, because she then launches into this whole future scenario for Quinn and Finn.  She becomes a real estate agent in Lima.  Finn takes over Burt Hummel’s car repair business.  And the pair live in town, raising lots of not particularly intelligent Fuinn babies.  

Hey, remember when Quinn dumped Puck, because she thought he was nothing more than a “Lima Loser,” and SHE wanted to leave town with Finn, so she could move on to Bigger and Better Things?  NO?  That’s OK.  Apparently . . . neither does Quinn!

“Like most of the characters on this show, I have a rare disease, which prevents me from having any short term memory whatsoever, beyond the current episode.  Remember Drew Barrymore’s character in 50 First Dates?  I’m kind of like her.”

Upon hearing that she doesn’t fit in with the Finn, and the rest of the Lima Losers, Rachel runs out of the room crying, when she should really be jumping for joy . . .

“YAY for ME and my eventual meteoric rise to fame (and subsequent stint in rehab, at age 21)!”

Inspired by her sadness, Rachel rushes home to write a song for Regionals . . .

Meanwhile, back in the Choir Room .  . .

Trouty Mouth?  Big Ass Heart?   HELL-TO THE NO!

“Back up off me or I’ll EAT YOUR FACE OFF with my Supposedly Mondo Mouth which really isn’t that big, at all!”

Rachel isn’t the only Glee kid attempting to write an original song.  Santana writes one herself, in an attempt to prove to Brittany that, after the latter rejected her for Artie, she is now “safely” back in the closet. 

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Except, the song that Santana chooses, while tauting itself as a “love song” to her “boyfriend,” actually has the unintended effect of proving just how attracted to boys Santana ISN’T.  The song is called “Trouty Mouth.” And its lyrics, more or less, compare poor Sam’s lips to every kind of fish and slimy amphibian featured in a high school science book . . .

“Now, THAT’S offensive!”

For his original song, Puck serenades his lover girl Lauren with yet ANOTHER fat song. 

“You’re DEAD, PUCKERMAN!”

Except, this time, he’s talking about Lauren’s heart . . . her Big ASS Heart.  Admittedly, it’s a sweet song.  The lyrics are REALLY clever.  And Puck’s sultry singing voice, never fails to cause my panties to drop on the floor, every time I hear it.  The only problem is that Lauren Zizes, DOESN’T have a Big Ass Heart . . . at least not from what we’ve seen, which makes this . . . just another thinly-veiled song about her large girth, after all. 

But, hey!  It’s Puck!  And he’s hot!  So, we forgive him!

“I get away with EVERYTHING!”

Then, Mercedes sings “Hell-To the NO!” 

And it’s EXACTLY the kind of awesome song you would except this character to write and sing.  No further explanation is required, really!

Brittany didn’t write an orignal song.  But she informed us that her favorite song of all time is “My Headband” by diva songstress Rachel Berry.  (Woah!  Who’d have thought that Brittany, of all people, would be the character on the show with best memory for stuff that’s happened in past episodes.)

Finally, Will helps the Glee kids brainstorm a song idea based on their collective hatred for Sue Sylvester.

It’s entitled “Loser Like Me.”

It’s Regionals TIME!

The day has come for the New Directions, The Warblers, and Aural Intensity to perform at Regionals.  They will be judged by Kathy Griffin, whose playing some sort of weird amalgamation of Sarah Palin, Christine O’Donnell, and Michelle Bachmann.  You’ve gotta love how Fox (a.k.a. Republican TV), by nature of Glee being one of its most successful shows, was forced to make fun of nearly all of it’s female mascots in a single hour of television!  It’s just too bad Kathy G. wasn’t particularly funny in this role  . . .

“Oops!”

Also judging the competition is Loretta Devine, who appears to be playing some sort of take off on Whoopie Goldberg’s character from those old Sister Act movies.  A cute idea .  . . but . . . also not really funny.

Taking into consideration the seemingly “ultra-conservative” bent of the judges, Aural Intensity, led by none other than Sue Sylvester, perform the song, “Jesus is my Friend,” while holding hands, and morphing into the formation of various religious symbols.

Umm .  . . yeah.  I don’t have much to say about that.

We didn’t get to hear Aural Intensity’s second number, but I strongly suspect it was something off the Sister Act soundtrack . . .

Next up, are the Warblers.  Kurt and Blaine perform a very sweet, and romantically charged, if not particularly energetic, rendition of Hey Monday’s “Candles.”

And then, because, apparently, the world would EXPLODE if the Warblers entered into a competition, wherein Blaine did not get AT LEAST one entire song to himself, Blaine sings Pink’s “Raise Your Glass,” another song in high rotation on my iPod.  (Hey Blaine!  Call me!  We can swap mix tapes!) 

As usual, Darren Criss does a nice job with this song.  And yet, I kind of wish New Directions had sung it instead.  The thing is . . . for me . . . the Warblers . . . with their Pee Pee Dances, and their Hogwarts Jackets . . .  just seem a bit too straight-edge to properly convey the angsty “I Don’t Give a F*&k!” attitude of this Anthem to Outsiders.  But don’t take my word for it . . .

New Directions are up last.  For the first number, Rachel sings the song that Quinn’s evilness, and her unabiding and inexplicable love for Finn have presumably inspired within her, “Get it Right.”

As she sings, Finn watches from backstage, and gives Rachel EXACTLY the same “I can’t live without you” look that Blaine gave Kurt earlier in the episode . . .

Don’t worry, Quinn.  Knowing Finn (and Glee), Douche-Boy will be BACK in love with YOU again in two episodes, tops . . . (Man this love triangle is getting annoying!)

I have to laugh when, about HALF WAY through this number, Kurt turns to Blaine and whispers, “Wow, they are doing Original Songs.”  (Seriously?  It took you THAT LONG to figure this out, Kurt?  Sex with Blaine must be killing your BRAIN!)

“Where am I?  Is this Sectionals?  Why aren’t I on stage?  I’m part of New Directions too!  Aren’t I?”

The Glee kids’ second song is the Sue Sylvester-inspired “Loser Like Me,” which could more or less, be Glee‘s theme song . . . if the show actually had one.   The number even features confetti-filled slushees, and lots of folks making the “L” sign on their foreheads . . .

Back in the audience, Kurt (who, just five minutes ago, DIDN”T EVEN KNOW  thathis friends were performing “Original Songs”) magically has the foresight to pass out props that are completely appropriate for this particular musical number.  Go figure!

“Hey Blaine, I plan to use this on you after the competition.  Pretty kinky, right?”

After virtually no deliberation, and no explanation whatsoever as to which teams come in second and third . .  .  SURPRISE . . . New Directions wins Regionals!!!!

So, Sue punches out the Governor’s Wife on stage, because . . . oh, who the heck knows!

The episode ends with the New Directions hugging an ecstatic and tearful Rachel for her remarkable dual performance, while Kurt and Blaine bury Pavarotti, clasp hands, and walk off together into the sunset to have hours and hours of hot monkey sex in Kurt’s bedroom . . .

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And that’s what you missed, on Glee . . .

Next stop, NATIONALS!  See you then, Gleeks!

[www.juliekushner.com]

I Wanna Sex Ed You Up! – A Recap of Glee’s “Sexy”

During the last episode of Glee, we learned that alcohol is fun.  But if you drink it at school, you WILL projectile vomit all over your friends in a public setting.  And if you drink too much of it, you will drunk dial your ex, or, maybe, accidentally, your greatest enemy, and tell them that you were thinking about boning them, while riding a bull . . .

This week, we learned that sex is fun.  But there are “feelings” involved.  And you shouldn’t make sex tapes, if you are under 18.  Oh, also, wear condoms.  Because everyone has . . . a “RANDOM.”

And they said Glee wasn’t educational!

So, slip into something “more comfortable,” dim the lights, and snuggle up under the covers, with you know WHO . . .

 . . . because it’s time to get “Sexy.”

You Put Your Chastity Charm WHERE?

The episode begins at a meeting of the McKinley High Chastity Club . . . well, I use the term “club” loosely.  Since, at least at the beginning of the episode, the “club” only has three members.  And one of those members pretty much gets humped at least twice every episode . . .

Those balls won’t be blue for LONG!

Emma, the MARRIED 30-year old sex abstainer, seems vehement about fellow members, Rachel and Quinn, avoiding sexual activity for as long as humanly possible.  (Hate to break it to you, Emma.  But for the GIRL WHO HAD A BABY, that ship has sailed . .  . around the world . . . three times . . . and sank into the ocean.)  The problem with Emma’s celibacy speech, is that it seems less designed to keep her students safe, and more designed to keep them virginal, simply so SHE doesn’t feel “left out.”

More inspired than Emma’s speech, however, are the “chastity charms” she gives members of the Celibacy Club, and, it seems, anyone else who wants one.  The charms feature a heart-shaped locket and a key.  Of course, Emma is horrified when she learns that the charms are being used as nipple rings . . .

“Omigod!  They look like cow udders!”

Really, McKinley High students?  Because, honestly, I can think of a WAY more appropriately symbolic place to hang your chastity charm than on your boob, if you catch my drift . . .

In the student lounge at lunch time, Emma complains to Will and Beiste about the alarming sluttiness of the student body.  Cue the very slutty entrance of Holly Holiday a.k.a Gwyneth Paltrow a.k.a. McKinley High’s New Substitute Sex Ed Teacher . . .

Now, cue the 21-Gun Salute that takes place in Will’s pants . . .

Like Emma, Holly is also concerned with her students’ relationship with sex, namely, their lack of knowledge about it.  Through a flashback, we see Holly showing her class how to put a condom on a cucumber.  “Wait . . . cucumbers can give me AIDS?” Finn inquires nervously.

Beware the Evil Aids-Giving Cucumber.

Emma and Holly then get into an argument about the proper way to teach kids about sex.  Emma believes in NOT teaching them, and, instead, preaching abstinence.  Holly argues that celibacy for teens and married 30-year old guidance counselors is simply not realistic.  However, if you are open and honest with students about sex, they can make better decisions relating to it.  Holly then tells the crew that she is “off to have crazy sex, because she is crazy informed about it.”

Upon hearing this, Will gets down on all fours, and starts panting like a dog . . .

Schuester LIKE!

OH NO!  NOT ANOTHER PREGNANCY STORYLINE!  Oh . . . wait . . . nevermind.

Back at school, Santana wants to spend an evening sharing Lady Kisses and watching Sweet Valley High with Brittany, even though I’m pretty sure that show hasn’t been on television in about 10 years.  (Maybe one of the Glee writers was a fan?)  But, unfortunately, Britt can’t hang, because she thinks she’s pregnant . . .

“OH NO, NOT AGAIN!”

Of course, rumors of Britt’s Shocking Pregnancy spread around the Glee club, like wildfire.  But when Brittney explains that the REASON she think she’s pregnant is that there is a “stork’s nest outside her bedroom window,” Will comes to the shocking realization that Holly was right.  His students are TOTALLY clueless about sex!  And so, he puts on a ridiculous-looking leotard, and asks Holly for help.  (Note:  I couldn’t find a a screencap of Will in his nut-hugger.  Suffice it to say, he looked a lot like this . . .)

Holly decides that singing a sexual song to the Glee kids, while dressed in a trampy outfit, and humping chairs, is the best way to teach them the birds and the bees. 

So, after a very brief introduction .  . .

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 . .  . she launches into a rockin’ rendition of the song “Do You Wanna Touch Me?” 

The moral of this song, of course, is McKinley High apparently has NO school dress code whatsoever wear a RUBBER,  BOYS!  Because everyone has “A Random!”

Practice Makes Perfect Sex Faces . . .

We find Blaine and Kurt at . . . SURPRISE . .  . the coffee shop!  (Man these two consume a lot of caffeine!)  Sue Sylvester stalks them there, and inexplicably tells them that they have to sing a sexy song in order to be relevant to the episode’s theme the McKinley High kids are upping their sex appeal.  So, if the Warblers want to win Regionals, they will have to do the same . . .

But what do the Warbler boys know about being sexy?  After all, most of them haven’t seen a FEMALE in about four years, let alone “wet hugged” one!  So, Blaine decides to invite over some females from the local girl school to “test the waters” . . .

I bet there are about EIGHT porno films that begin just like this . . .

With their human sexy barometers in place, the Dalton boys begin rocking out to “Animal” . .  . and . . . SURPRISE . . . Blaine’s got the solo . . . again!  But wait . . . Kurt’s there too!

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But . . . why does Kurt look like he has to pee?

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Perhaps, it has something to do with all the water . . .  and foam . . . and Warbler “Wet Hugs” . . .

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You can watch the Warblers, in all their humpy, soapy, animal-y goodness, right here:

After the number, Kurt and Blaine are alone together again. (Does anyone else notice how, ever since Kurt arrived at Dalton, Blaine has stopped hanging out with any of the other Warblers?  Interesting  . . .)  Blaine starts having hot horny bunny sex with Kurt wants to know why Kurt was making all those weird faces during the performance?  Kurt explains that those were his “sexy” faces.  So, Blaine asks to see them up close, so that he can judge for himself . . .

Unfortunately, for Kurt, his “sex faces” don’t really make Blaine want to give him a “Wet Hug.”   Rather, they remind him of someone who has gas . . .

For what it’s worth, I disagree with Blaine.  I think Kurt’s “Sex Face” looks more like a cross between Derek Zoolander . . .

 . . . and Charlie Sheen . . .

Either way . . . NOT SEXY!

The problem, of course, is that Kurt has NO sexual experience, whatsoever.  I mean, his idea of a hot porno is the Dalton Academy’s production of Sound of Music . . .

Blaine figures,  if he ever plans to “Wet Hug” with Kurt, he’d better nip this issue in the weiner . . . FAST.  And so he attacks the problem at its source, by visiting Kurt’s dad . .  .

Blaine starts by telling Burt how envious he is of the great relationship he and Kurt share.  (I think most of us are a bit envious of that, actually.)  Then he lets the other shoe drop.  If Burt doesn’t hurry up and give Kurt the “birds and the bees ” talk, there’s a good chance that his son will learn about sex from boning Blaine by watching those Eating Out movies they are always showing on the Logo channel, late at night . . .

As a straight girl, can I tell you?   These are SO HOT!  (The acting is usually crap, of course.  But, let’s be honest.  That’s not why you’re watching.)

So, Burt, being the kickass dad he is, goes out and picks up some pamphlets.  And then he tells his son that it’s time for The Talk . . .

Needless to say, Kurt is not particularly receptive, at first.  But then Burt reigns him in by giving him the BEST SEX TALK EVER!  I mean seriously, if I ever have kids, THIS is the Sex Talk, I’m going to give them . . . well . . . maybe a slightly modified version . . .

Here are the highlights:

“You know, when you’re intimate with somebody in that way, you’re exposing yourself.  You’re definitely going to be more vulnerable. And that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. . . . Once you start doing this stuff, you’re not going to want to stop. You just . . . You’ve got to know that it means something.  It’s doing something to you, to your heart, to your self-esteem.  Even though it feels like you’re just having fun.  Kurt, when you’re ready, I want you to be able to do everything.  But when you’re ready, I want you to use it as a way to connect to another person. Don’t throw yourself around like you don’t matter. Because you matter, Kurt.”

All together now, “AWWWWWWWWWWWW!”

(Did you ever wish you could hug someone through your television screen?  Because that’s what I wanted to do to Burt Hummel, after this scene was over.)

In other Sexy news . . .

“You’ve just been Zized!”

So, Puck wants to star in a sex tape .  . .

. . . with Lauren Zizes . . .

Apparently, this is all part of  Lauren’s “big plan” to be “famous,” like the “Kardashians,” and have her “own reality show” with a “clever tagline” :  “You’ve just been Zized.”

The most bizarre part of this whole storyline for me (aside from the obvious, of course) was that Puck and Lauren “researched” their sex tape, by watching other sex tapes on the internet in the SCHOOL LIBRARY.  (Public School FAIL!)   They also conveniently told Ms. Holiday about their plans, when she caught them in the act . . . of watching the tapes.  (What did you think I was going to say?)

Holly helpfully informed the budding new couple that, if they made a sex tape, they would both be guilty of CHILD PORN.  Having been accused of being a creepy pedophile by his OWN SEX ED teacher, a clearly traumatized Puck finds himself, for the first time in his life, NOT WANTING TO HAVE SEX!

You would think that GETTING A GIRL PREGNANT last season would have the same effect on him  . . . but no.

So, Puck joins the Celibacy Club . . .

 . . . which seriously pisses off his horndog girlfriend . . . that is, until she learns that he “like, cares about her . . . and stuff.”

PUCK:  “Haha, my evil plan has worked!  I am so getting laid tonight!”

Meanwhile . . .

Boys are like Wasa Crackers.

Best . . . product placement . . . EVER!

Ahhh . . .  Will Schuester . . .  such a martyr.  Once again he is trying to get laid . . . to educate his students, of course!  So, being the “Swell Guy” he is, The Schue commandeers Holly for a little musical number, specifically, a tango, to the tune of Prince’s Kiss . . .

You can tell immediately that Will is extremely aroused during this performance.  For starters, his singing voice gets so high that you literally can’t tell it apart from Holly’s.  (Yes, I realize that Prince, himself, had a high voice.  And that this was the whole point of the musical number . . . But I still found it bizarre.  Sorry!)

The dancing was pretty hot, though!  Watch, and you’ll see what I mean . . .

After the number, Will takes the opportunity to ask a sweated up Holly Holiday on a date.  And she TURNS HIS ASS DOWN!

“I break Nice Guys like you, like Wasa Crackers,” Holly explains.  “You married your high school sweetheart, and then went out with a virgin,” Holly notes, adding insult to injury.   (You’ve got to admit.  Girlfriend’s got a point!) 

Speaking of virgins . . .

Emma has herself an Afternoon Delight . . .

Concerned that Holly’s teachings are only offering teens one viewpoint about sex, Emma decides to lead the Celibacy Club in their own musical number, to illustrate an alternate way of thinking.  With the help of Rachel, Quinn, new Celibacy Club member, Puck, and her new husband, Carl,  Emma performs “Afternoon Delight.”

Watching this not-very-good musical number, I must admit that I was . . . confused.  To give you an idea of  just how confused I was, here are some of the recapping notes I took, during the performance:

-Why are they singing Afternoon Delight?  Is the choice of song supposed to be ironic in some way?  Wouldn’t a song like Meatloaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” a.k.a. A Cautionary Tale About Car Sex, be more appropriate for this purpose?

-Why are there pictures of dessert in the background?  That’s kind of kinky!

-Why are they dressed like THAT?

-Why is Emma so friggin annoying?   I kind of feel like the Emma character unintentionally functions as the Poster Child for Teen Sex.  In other words, “have sex young, or you will end up like Emma.”  Way to send positive messages, GLEE!

Of course, after the musical number, all is explained.  (Well . . . almost all.)  You see, apparently, Afternoon Delight, is not just a euphemism for “sex on your lunch hour,” it is also . . . a DESSERT, which, when you think about it, is kind of fitting! 

Later, Carl and Emma decide to visit Holly for some much-needed “couples’ counseling.”

As it turns out, these two have been married for HALF A YEAR, and still have NEVER HAD SEX WITH ONE ANOTHER!  See what I mean . . . about the whole Giving Virgins a Bad Name thing?  I mean, “waiting until marriage” is one thing . . . waiting until your Golden Anniversary, is quite another.  In the words of Jesse from Full House, himself.   “Have MERCYYYYYY!”

I’ll admit I made this exact same face, while I was watching this scene.

Holly perceptively figures out that Emma’s longstanding love for Will, might be the glue that’s keeping her legs together.  When Holly suggests as much to Emma, the latter can’t deny it.  The realization forces Carl to storm out of the room, and possibly the marriage . . . something a Smart Guy would have done SIX MONTHS AGO . . .

“I could have told him THAT!”

In completely unrelated news, that doesn’t fit anywhere else in this recap . . .

 . . . these two doofuses are making monkey again.  (I wonder where SHE hung HER Chastity Charm?)

Speaking of making monkey . . .

Brittana Experiences a Landslide of Emotions

Last we checked, Brittany was dating Artie.  And Santana was dating Sam.  But that’s not stopping these two former Cheerios from boning in Santana’s bedroom on a fairly regular basis . . .

But don’t worry, guys!  It’s not cheating, if the “plumbing is different!”  At least, that’s what Santana says!  (Speaking of which, I have a clogged toilet that needs fixing.  Now, I know who to call!)

In a surprisingly coherent post-coital moment, Brittany complains to Santana that all they do is bone.  And they never talk about their feelings.  But Santana is not exactly the sharing type.  And she tells Brittany as much.  Nevertheless, the girls decide to visit Holly Holiday for their own version of couples’ counseling.   So, Holly plops the pair down in a Sexy Sharing Circle . . .

. .  . and asks them if they think they might be lesbians.  The Sharing Scene, by the way, is accompanied by Rotating Camera Shots, which always make me dizzy and slightly nauseous.  This scene was no exception.  (WHY MUST SHOWS ALWAYS DO THIS?  WHY?!)

Anywhoo . . . since the girls can’t articulate their feelings for one another, Holly suggests they sing about it.  And they do . . . with Holly’s help, of course. Because, apparently, it is in Gwyneth’s contract that she must perform at least three musical numbers during each Glee episode in which she appears to prove that she is a “Real Artist” . . . or something.  So, Holly sings “Landslide,” while the two besties exchange tearful and longing looks with one another.  It’s kind of heartbreaking, really.

At the end of the number, Brittany and Santana share a hug, laced with emotion and symbolism . . .

Upon seeing this, Sam turns to Artie and says that he wishes that the two of them can have a relationship as close as the one their respective girlfriends share . . .  (And you’ve gotta love the latent homoeroticism in THAT!)

After class, Santana confronts Brittany by the lockers.

She then tearfully explains to Brittany that she loves her, and wants to be with her, and ONLY her.  In fact, Santana has wanted this for a long time, but was afraid of what people would say about her behind her back, if she submitted to these desires.  Brittany admits to Santana that she loves her too, and would totally be with her . . . if it weren’t for Artie.

Oooops!

“Whoever thought being fluid would mean you could be so stuck,” Santana explains morosely.

Brittany then moves in to hug her again, but a heartbroken Santana pushes her away. 

It was a powerful scene.  One that was beautifully acted by both Naya Rivera and Heather Morris.  It’s refreshing to see these two actresses finally getting the chance to display themselves as more than just The Comic Relief.  And I hope we get to see more scenes like this between them in the future.

In other news, Will and Holly made out at the end of this episode.  Now, they are dating.  Zzzzzzzzzzzz  Yippee!

Next week on Glee, New Directions heads to Regionals with “Original Songs.”  You can watch the promo for the episode here:

See you then, my fellow Gleeks!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Drunk People . . . Singing – A Recap of Glee’s “Blame it On the Alcohol”

Sunglasses = The Ultimate Hangover Accessory

This week’s installment of Glee was kind of like a weekend-long, alcohol-fueled bender.  It was random, plot-free, only mildly coherent, embarrassing, vomit-filled, and, yet . . . at the same time . . . AWESOME!

So, fill up those shot glasses, turn on some Ke$ha, and get ready to make out with someone completely inappropriate, because it’s time for a GLEECAP!

Everybody in the School, Get Tipsy!

When the episode begins, Principal Figgins (or, as I like to call him, The Fig) is, once again, in need of Mr. Schuester’s help.  Apparently, McKinley High’s alcohol content has recently skyrocketed to Charlie Sheen-type levels.  The entire student body is walking around blitzed on Four Loko, cheap beer, and Mike’s Hard Lemonade (a.k.a. The Good Stuff).  To combat this trend, The Fig wants The Schue and his Glee kids to perform a song about “the Dangers of Drinking” at the school’s “Alcohol Awareness Assembly.”

Normally, The Schue would welcome this opportunity!  The problem is that lately he has become DEPRESSED.  And, why not?  He’s lonely and divorced.  The object of his affections is house hunting with her faux-husband, Jesse from Full House (Have MERCY!).  And .  . . well . . . actually, I’m not sure what it is about THIS week that is making Will so much more miserable than usual.  I mean, his life is the same degree of sucky that’s it’s been for about four episodes now!  But it’s important to the plot that he be “depressed.”  So, we’ll deal . . .

Always one to rub Will’s face in things, Sue materializes to tell Will that Alcohol Awareness Week will most certainly send our favorite Spanish Teacher straight to the Drunk Tank.

Now that you mention it Sue, a Rehab-themed episode of Glee would be FABULOUS.  Just imagine all the Special Guest Stars we’d get to see!

But enough about those BORING teachers!  We want to see some GLEE KIDS GET WRECKED!

Rachel Berry’s House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza!

Poor Rachel!  She had such good intentions.  There she is, just minding her own business, trying to create an original song for Regionals, when a (very hot) Mohawked-devil LITERALLY appears on her shoulder, and tries to convince her to throw a party at her house, while her two dads are on vacation.  Rachel initially rebuffs Puck’s offer.  But there’s nothing like a Really Bad Musical Performance to drive our diva heroine straight to the bottle . . .

Truth be told, Rachel’s “Original” single, “My Headband,” probably isn’t going to make it on to the Top 100 Itunes Downloads this week.  And yet SOME might have found it inspiring!

Unfortunately, for Rachel, Finn is more of a pigtail-type guy, and, therefore, doesn’t show Rachel’s ode to headgear the love that it deserves.  Rachel realizes that the reason she can’t come up with an “inspired” original song is that she has no “life experience.”  She has never even TASTED ALCOHOL BEFORE!  And so, our girl decides to throw a house party, after all, and invite “all of her friends” i.e. the Glee Club and Blaine.

The Glee crew is skeptical at first, as to whether Rachel will truly be able to “throw down” with the rest of them.  And yet, they all ultimately decide to attend, looking forward to the Massive Trainwreck that will inevitably result .  . .

Doesn’t this screenshot kind of look like one of those Sex Hotline ads you usually see on TV at 3am?  Justin sayin’

As expected, the party gets off to a pretty lame start, with Rachel, clad in a what looks like my grandma’s nightgown, pawning off wine coolers on her guests, and threatening to involve them in a game of “Celebrity.”

Oh, Rachel!  Hasn’t having two gay dads taught you ANYTHING about fashion?

Once Puck convinces Rachel to let him break into the liquor cabinet, however, things pick up, rather quickly.

We are treated to a fun little Drunk Party Montage, to the tune of Far East Movement’s G6, as Designated Driver Finn generously gives us all a tutorial on the “Different Types of Drunk People.”  (Who said you couldn’t learn anything from Glee?)

Which type are YOU?

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Angry that Finn has dubbed her Needy Drunk, Rachel sets out to prove how very UN-needy she is, by setting up a game of Spin the Wine Cooler Bottle.  To everyone’s surprise, the hottest kiss of the night actually belongs to . .  RACHEL AND BLAINE?

Sexual orientation aside, these two are actually kind of smokin’ together.  For one thing, they look like FRATERNAL TWINS! (Wait .  . . ewwww . . . nevermind.  That’s not awesome AT ALL!) 

Honestly, am I the only one who thinks Drunk Blaine and Drunk Rachel are WAY MORE FUN, and WAY LESS ANNOYING / JUDGEMENTAL than Sober Blaine and Sober Rachel?  I didn’t think so .  . .

“Your face tastes awesome,” slurs Rachel in Blaine’s ear.  (YAY, Cannibalism!)

After swapping spit and gnawing on one another’s faces for a good twenty seconds, while a dejected Kurt looks on miserably, Rachel and Kurt segway immediately into an impromptu duet of The Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me?” 

Considering how COMPLETELY FUBAR-ed these two individuals supposedly are, the resulting performance is surprisingly good!  See for yourself . . .

Unfortunately, we don’t get to actually see the rest of the party.  However, we can assume that the night went pretty well, when we see Kurt’s dad Burt (who NEVER TAKES OFF HIS BASEBALL CAP, by the way.  What’s up with that?) barge into Kurt’s bedroom the next morning, only to find THIS GUY in there  . . .

“WAY TO GO, KURT!  (My son is a TOTAL PIMP!)”

“The Hair of the Dog that Bit Yo Ass”

Despite the party having taken place on Friday night, the Glee kids are all conveniently still completely hungover by Monday.  (LIGHTWEIGHTS!)  The experience of being hungover has somehow converted Artie into Chris Rock.  So, he informs the rest crew, in a RIDICULOUS accent, that they should all join him for some Bloody Marys, a.k.a. “The  Hair of the Dog that Bit Yo Ass.”

Cut to the once-again inebriated Glee kids performing “Blame it on the Alcohol” for Mr. Schue in the school auditorium, while swaying back and forth on Rotating Red Leather Furniture(?).  Seriously?  What kind of BUDGET does the Glee Club have that they get these type of props?  At my high school, musical performances in the auditorium always featured the exact same scenery:  Hand-Drawn Smiley Faces on Posterboard . . .

The Schue, who apparently has NO SENSE OF SMELL WHATSOEVER, and is also a moron, can’t tell his own students are wasted.  They are just REALLY GOOD ACTORS.  (De-Nial ain’t just a river in Egypt, Schuester!)  And yet, Will wonders whether this Jaime Foxx ditty glorifies drinking a bit TOO much to be performed at the Alcohol Awareness Ceremony.

You be the judge .  . .

The Schue Gets Sloshed

Tired of listening to Will’s nonstop “wah-wahing” about how sucky his life is (Aren’t we ALL?), The Schue’s new bestie, The Beiste, decides to take the Glee Club advisor out for a night of hard drinking, bull riding, and cheesy line dancing.  The pair even get up on stage and sing a duet of that countrified ode to wasted-ness, “One Bourbon, One Shot, One Beer.”

This would all be well and good, except for the fact that Will still has Spanish tests to grade . . .

“Que HAGO Uds.?”  “Yo ESTOY el hermano de Pepe?”  YO NO THINK SO!

After giving all his CLEARLY illiterate Spanish students A+’s on their exams  (I am SO transferring to this school!), Will makes the same fateful mistake many of us unfortunately make after a night of endless boozing and faux-soul searching.  Of course, I am referring to . . . THE DRUNK DIAL!

“Emma?  I luuuuuuuuuuuve youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!“

As luck would have it, the following morning, when a VERY hungover, also sunglasses wearing (Product Placement much?) Schuester arrives at school and confronts Emma about his belligerent late night phone call, she has no idea what he’s talking about. 

“PHEW!  Now THAT would have been embarrassing . . .”

Then again, maybe he’s NOT so lucky, after all . . .

“You want to put your   . . . WHAT . . . in my . . . WHAT?”

In sober-er news .  . .

Ring Around the Closet . . .

Poor Little Ornery Kurt!  He’s not exactly having the best episode.  First, he made the mistake of STAYING SOBER at Rachel’s party.  So, he had his full faculties, when he had to watch the man of his dreams make out with his new gal pal.  Then, his dad read him the riot act about having Blaine sleep over, despite the fact that the dude was so wasted, Kurt didn’t even get to COP A FEEL!  Kurt accuses his dad of having a double standard, regarding the whole sleepover issue.  “If Finn had PUCK sleepover at the house, you wouldn’t care!”  Kurt whines.

*sigh*  A Finn and Puck sleepover . . . I’ve had dreams about this .   . .

Burt gently reminds Kurt that his analogy is a POOR one.  While Burt wouldn’t care if Finn had PUCK sleepover, he WOULD care if Finn had Quinn or Rachel sleepover.  (Does that mean KURT can have Rachel sleepover, without his dad getting mad?  I mean, it’s only fair, right?) 

“I watched all of Brokeback Mountain.  Now, I don’t know much about gay stuff, but I’m pretty sure something went on in that tent,” Burt notes wryly . . .

*sigh* Memories!

Ultimately, the father / son duo come to a compromise.  Kurt will ask Daddy, before having any possibly gay dudes sleep with him (a.k.a. any guy in Glee Club).  In return, Burt will school himself on the wonders of male-on-male sex, just in case Kurt happens to “have any questions” on the topic.  (Oh, Burt!  I have a WHOLE LIST of really great movies I can recommend for you on this topic.  Just call me, OK?)

But Kurt’s dad is the least of his problems.  Kurt also has to worry about the fact that a ONCE AGAIN drunk (My, they sure fall off the wagon fast on this show!) Rachel has asked Blaine out on a REAL date, post kiss.  And Blaine has accepted!

“And we can play Barbies, and watch The Care Bears Movie, and you can braid my hair, and play with my dollhouse .  . .”

Kurt sees Blaine’s acceptance of a date with Rachel as a blatant rejection of Kurt homosexuality.  Blaine argues that he is just not that into him “confused” about whether he’s into dudes, chicks, or both, and that Kurt should stop chasing after him like a wounded puppy be more understanding.  Then Blaine ends the conversation, just as any straight manly man would, by sticking his tongue out, flipping his hair, and strutting off, in a huff . . .

That night Kurt stops by Rachel’s house to ask stalkerish questions about Blaine, and interrogate her about the Infamous Date the two shared help her clean up the basement, after the big party.  To Kurt’s chagrin, the pair actually had a great time.  Kurt “kindly” tells Rachel that she is destined to a be a perpetual  . . . forgive the expression . . . “Fag Hag” to gay guys pretending to be straight, starting with Blaine.  Now, if I were Rachel, I would of SLAPPED Kurt in the face for saying that to ME!  (Even though, let’s face it, it’s probably true .  . . for Rachel at least.) 

I love how, in this screencap, you can clearly see the bra Brittany was wearing earlier, at the party, hanging on the wall, behind Rachel and Kurt . . . It’s all about the details!

But Rachel, to her credit, refuses to be bullied by Jealous Kurt, and his pronouncements of doom and gloom.  She vows to kiss Blaine sober, thereby proving, once and for all, that the Warbler, is, in fact, in love with her.  After all, she is not about to pass up the opportunity to have “A New Musical Boyfriend” and . . .  eventually, “vaguely Eurasian-looking babies.”  I mean, can you blame her?

The next day, at the coffee shop, as Kurt creepily looks on, Rachel plants another smackeroo on the Blainester .  . .

Blaine’s reaction?  “Yep, I’m gay,” replies the Head Warbler, before exiting the coffee shop.

WOW!  Insensitive much?  Who knew gay guys could be such D-bags?  Fortunately, Rachel takes the rejection in stride.  Besides, being dumped by a gay guy in the middle of Starbucks is GREAT song-writing material.  Even, Rachel’s headband would agree!

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I Didn’t Know Vomit Could be That Color . . .

Looks more like Wet Cement . . . actually.

It’s the day of the Alcohol Awareness Assembly, and the Glee kids are unusually nervous about their performance of Ke$ha’s (or, as The Fig calls her “Ke Dollar Sign a”) rousing alcoholic anthem “Tik Tok.”  Fortunately, Rachel has come bearing courage-fabricating “refreshments.”  Said “refreshments” apparently include the REST of the contents of her dads’ liquor cabinet, all poured into one big yummy vat . . . along with cough syrup . . . and some crushed up Oreos . . .

Mmmmm . . .  Yummy!

Led by Ke$ha lookalike Brittany, and her criminally short-shorts, the Glee kids give a performance that starts off rather well, and ends in . . . for lack of a better word, Vomitpalooza 2011.

“Everybody drink responsibly,” slurs Brittany at the end of the performance, before rushing off for an intense session of Oreo Cookie Tossing and Porcelain God Praying.

You can enjoy the Glee kids, in all their pukey splendor, RIGHT HERE . . .

To add insult to vomit-covered injury, the next day, Sue decides to broadcast Will’s drunk dial to Emma across the student loudspeaker, during morning announcements.  (Poor Will!  He must not have very many friends AT ALL, if “Sue’s” name comes anywhere near “Emma’s” in his Cell Phone Contact List.)

Usually, on television shows like this, “Drunk Declarations of Love” are surprisingly romantic, eloquent, and poignant.  Not so here!  Kudos to Glee for showing the world what REAL DRUNK DIALS sound like: disturbing, stalkerish, and incredibly creepy.

  “Bring some wine coolers to my place, and we can get busy together ALL night . . . I rode a bull tonight, and when I was riding it, I was thinking of YOU,” slurs Will into his phone.  (Ummm  .  . . ew?)

“Awwww, you think I look like a Mechanical Bull!   That’s the sweetest thing anybody’s ever said to me!”

But just in case you were worried that our Glee kids and Will would experience repercussions for their bad behavior, worry not!  The Fig LOVED IT!  Thanks to the Glee kids barf, and Will’s humiliation, no one wants to be drunk in school anymore. 

Uhhhh  . . . your welcome?

In fact, The Fig is so grateful to the Glee club for their effort, he gives them all coupons to buy yogurt!  Because that’s the first thing you want to eat, after you’ve vomited up your insides . . . mushy, chunky, globule, yogurt  . . .

That afternoon, at Glee club practice, The Schue makes all the students sign pledges promising to stay sober through Nationals.   However, he also gives the crew his cell phone number, so that, in case they DO end up getting wasted, he can come pick them up from whatever dark alley they decide to shoot heroine in.

Can I get that number too, Will?

And that’s all she wrote!  Be sure to tune in two-weeks from now, when The Schue FINALLY takes a break from whining and complaining about how miserable his life is, in order to rock out to some Prince songs, and bang Gwyneth Paltrow.  Good times!

See ya then!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Just Bieb It! – A Recap of Glee’s “Comeback”

OK. Confession Time!  Before this episode aired, I had NEVER HEARD A JUSTIN BIEBER SONG.  Not one . . . ever.  I’m not sure why this is, exactly.  But I strongly suspect it might have something to do with his hair.  Simply put, it frightens me.

Yeah . . . remember that Chucky doll, they used to make all the horror movies about, back in the 90’s?  (I’m not even going to post a picture of him here, because I plan on getting some sleep tonight.  Thank you very much!)  Well, Bieber’s hair . . . it kind of reminds me of that freaky doll.

So, when I heard Glee was doing a Bieber-themed episode, I was skeptical to say the least.  “Would Justin himself be making an appearance?”  I thought to myself.   “Would I (gasp) have to stare at THE HAIR for AN HOUR?”

The answers to those questions ended up being “No” an “YES,” respectively.  And while this wasn’t exactly my favorite Glee installment, it did offer some genuinely funny moments.  It also gave me a minor appreciation for The Biebster.  (His hair still scares me though . . . A LOT.)

Let’s take a Bieb-alicious look back, at “Comeback,” shall we?

Meet Sam . . . and Sam’s Hair

It’s officially been half a season, since Sam Evans first became a member of Glee club, and since Chord Overstreet joined the cast, as a series regular.  Since then, the Glee writers haven given Sam a few solos, his own love interest, and more shirtless scenes than ANY CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW, including (unfortunately) Puck . . .

But what they haven’t really given him is much of a personality.  And this week’s episode, while not going all the way, definitely took some strides toward remedying that oversight.

When the episode begins, we learn that, in the wake of her firework-inducing, mono-giving, makeout session with Finn (or, as I have taken to calling him, recently, Finndouche, Quinn has grown bored with Sam and his “mad choosing skills.”

Quinn openly scoffs at Sam’s suggestion that the pair go to “Color Me Mine” for Date Night.  Now, as far as hot dates go, “Color Me Mine” probably falls somewhere between “McNugget Happy Meal at McDonalds” and “private jet to the Bahamas.”  But we all know that PUCK got in Quinn’s pants, with nothing more than a few cheap beers, and some mildly kind words . . .

So, yeah, Sam, it’s safe to say that it’s not the POTTERY that’s to blame for your Dating Slump, it’s YOU!  Or maybe it’s not Sam, so much as his TOTAL LACK OF BACKBONE.  When Quinn tells Sam that she got mono, not from kissing Finn, but from giving him mouth-to-mouth when he CHOKED ON A GUMBALL (not the Heimlich, mind you, MOUTH-TO-MOUTH!) . . .

 . . . and Sam pretends to believe it, out of fear of losing his Ho-bag Barbie of a girlfriend, we all can see our blonde friend is just a smidge lacking in the cajones department, if you catch my drift.

That may not have been a GUMBALL, Quinn was carrying in her mouth, in the earlier picture.  Just sayin’.

But our Sam is optimistic!  He believes he can do what it takes to win back Ho-bag Barbie!  He’s ready to make . . . wait for it . . . a COMEBACK.  And that comeback starts with combing his hair into a creepy sidepart, and singing to a bunch of 13-year olds at what was probably LAMEST BAT MITZVAH EVER!

Seeing as Sam’s foray into being a one-man Justin Bieber Cover Band was SO successful with the Training Bra Crowd, he decides to bring his talents to an audience that DOESN’T make him look like a total pedophile when he performs in front of the — namely, Glee club.  So, off Sam heads to the front of the class to perform, Justin Bieber’s “Baby.”  To be honest, I found I couldn’t pay much attention to the song itself, because I found Sam’s (Bieber-esque (?)) dance moves, which were somewhat of a cross between the Robot, a Monkey in Heat, and Every Bad Line Dance You’ve Ever Seen, so oddly mesmerizing . . .

Just . . . cant . . . look . . .away.

Sam’s Scandalously Bad Dancing clearly hypnotizes the Glee Girls too, because the minute he starts performing, they are suddenly fawning all over the guy, and clinging to him, like a bunch of wet rags.  So, of course, Artie, Mike, and Puck want in on The Bieber Experience too.  After all, all three guys have found themselves in a Post V-day slump.  And they are in desperate need of some Bieb Street Cred to get back into their respective ladies’ panties. 

(OK, this is where I cry B.S., MIKE CHANG!  Last week, your girlfriend was so desperately in love with you, that the mere sight of you made her BURST INTO TEARS OF JOY.  NOW, just a few weeks later, you honestly expect me to believe that she has become immune, not just to you, but to YOUR ABS too?)

Did I MISS the episode where Tina went blind?

Unlike the rest of the Glee boys, Finn has no interest in Bieberizing himself (at least, at first).  After all, who needs Bieber Moves, when you’ve got Gassy Infant ones?

So, the rest of the Glee guys perform YET ANOTHER Bieber song for the Glee girls (and Schue).  This time, it’s “Somebody to Love.”  Again, the dance moves are bizarre (and, strangely enough, involve  . . . chalk?  Or maybe that was massive amounts of dandruff, the boys were playing with on stage?  I couldn’t really be sure).  But unlike with Sam’s first performance, this time, it wasn’t the dance moves that kept me from focusing on the music.  It was Puck and his reappearing / disappearing “Bieber Head,” which seemed to switch places with his Mohawk, on and off, throughout the musical number.

Hairy Puck issue aside, the second performance was an especially big hit with Ho-Bag Barbie, Quinn, who IMMEDIATELY decides to dump Finn cold turkey, and go back to her now-Bieberized boyfriend, Sam.  Unfortunately for Quinn, Santana has already dug her claws into that ridiculous mop top head.  Pulling Sam aside, she forces him to admit that he knows about his girlfriend’s affair with Finn.  She also “delicately” offers the Macauley Culkin double her “services”.  “I wants on them Froggy Lips.  And I wants on them NOW,” she coos . . .

Not surprisingly, Sam dumps Ho-Bag Barbie’s ass, ASAP.  And in the character’s final scene, we watch him get “up close and personal” with Santana and “the two rambunctious twins that live on [her] ribcage.”

Personally, I CAN’T WAIT until she gives HIM Mono . . . or whatever Fun Variety Pack of STDs she is currently carrying

Sue-icide is Painless

Sam wasn’t the only Glee cast member in need of a comeback, this week.  After her earth-shattering Cheerios cheerleading championship loss, which resulted in the Glee club getting ALL of the school’s extracurricular club money, Sue is SO depressed, that she actually tries to KILL HERSELF by OD-ing on Gummy vitamins!  When that doesn’t work, she tries BEATING UP GLEE CLUB MEMBERS.  (Can someone tell me how this woman is STILL A TEACHER?)

Emma, being the annoyingly GOOD person that she is, sympathizes with Sue’s plight, and really wants to help.  So, she offers her the MOST AWESOME SELF-HELP PAMPHLET IN THE HISTORY OF SELF-HELP PAMPHLETS!

But when that doesn’t work, she flashes her tits puppy dog eyes at Schue.  And, this somehow convinces him to let Sue join Glee club.

WILL:  If I do this for you, will you divorce Jesse from Full House, and have white-gloved, compulsively-clean, insanely boring sex with me in the Choir room?

EMMA:  DEAL! 

So, of course, Sue uses this opportunity to try and sabatoge the Glee Club, using the oldest trick in the book:  pit the members against one another.  (Zzzzzzzz — Honestly, Sue, I expected something a little more creative from YOU!)  And, so, Sue tells resident divas, and new found besties, Rachel and Mercedes, that each has said that the other has “no talent.”  The result is a “Diva Off” to “Take Me or Leave Me” from the musical Rent. 

It is also, by far, my favorite performance of the episode . . . which is weird for me, seeing as the pieces that come from musicals typically tend to be my least favorite on the show.  (I guess I’m just “uncultured” like that.)

You can check out Rachel and Mercedes, and their fabulous DIVA OFF, right here:

As you may have noticed, Sue’s plan here fails MISERABLY.  And the act of singing, which was initially meant to divide Rachel and Mercedes, actually ends up bringing them EVEN CLOSER . . .

Realizing what Sue tried to do to his Glee Kids, Will punishes her and us with Intense Emotional Manipulation.  Oh yes, boys and girls, we are off to sing “This Little Light of Mine” to sick kids at a hospital, or, as Sue calls it, the House of Sad.  Thanks Glee!  Because, I wasn’t feeling guilty enough about the cracks I made at the prepubescent Bieber’s expense (well, really just The Hair . . . and The Dancing) in this blog.  You had to go and make me feel like an even crappier human being, by making me watch THIS!)

Sue’s journey to the House of Sad inspires her to lead the Glee kids in an “Anthem,” which just so happens to be the theme for the upcoming Reginonals Competition.  She chooses “Sing” from My Chemical Romance.  Now, I know some of your out there were deeply offended that Glee would have the GALL to cover a song by the admittedly fabulous MCR.  But I, for one, was actually pretty happy with this performance.  Then again, maybe that’s just because I like flannel . . . and furry hats.

Speaking of “Interesting” Fashion Choices . . .

Turns out, Lauren Zizes isn’t really all that good of a singer.  But I am a BIG fan of the cheesetastic 80’s inspired outfit she wears, when she performs “I Know What Boys Like,” in front of the crowd, this week . . .

Additionally, I was a HUGE fan of Puck’s suggestion, as to how Lauren could combat her stage fright!  As a result of that suggestion, during Lauren’s admittedly “Meh” musical number, we were treated to the teen’s view of what the Glee crew would look like in their underwear . . .

Aside from the obvious titillation of a shirtless Mike Chang, and SUPRISE, yet another shirtless Sam Evans shot, I’d have to say my FAVORITE underwear choices were a toss up between Finndouche and his Power Ranger Underoos, and Sue’s decidedly uncomfy Catwoman / S&M Mistress of the Darkness getup . . .

Will’s Cutoff Short Shorts (seen toward the left of this screencap) bring up the “rear” (No Pun Intended) for a close third.

In fact, my ONLY complaint, about Lauren’s undie choices, was THIS . . .

There is, most certainly, no way in HELL, that Puck sleeps with a SHIRT ON!  Opportunity for Greatness = Wasted.

Oh, and then THIS happened, which frightened me . . .

All political correctness aside, you have to admit, that is one SCARY screencap!  Also, is that a WEDDING RING on her finger?

In Other Fashion News . . .

“Being Cool” is apparently at the top of Rachel Berry’s “To Do” List, right above THESE ITEMS . . .

AVATAR on Ice Audition, ay?  Now THAT would be a fantastic Glee episode!

So, Rachel pays Britney to dress like HER, so that the unpopular Diva can also become a “trendsetter” by association.  How does one dress like Rachel Berry?   By shopping the Sales Rack of Kids R’ Us, of course!

Rachel’s plan actually WORKS!  And, within days, the entire female student body is rocking the “Sexy Librarian Chic,” look or whatever the heck Rachel calls it . . .

The problem is, however, that no one attributes the TREND to Rachel.  Rather, they ASSUME the style came from Brittany herself.  In fact, they openly mock Rachel for her inability to copy it correctly.  (She wore a reindeer on her sweater, when she should have worn a carousel horse.) 

“When people look at you, they don’t see your clothes.  They see a cat getting its temperature taken . . . and then they hear it screaming,” Brittany helpfully offers, by way of explanation, as to why this anomaly has occurred.

Source

Rachel gets shot down AGAIN this week, when she tries to convince her fellow Gleeks that they should not perform “Sing” at Regionals, because, while flannel and furry hats are cool, they are not cool ENOUGH to beat competitors, like Aural Intensity, the Warblers, and, of course, Vocal Adrenaline.  Rachel thinks the group should instead write their own ORIGINAL music. 

Though he doesn’t have the balls to stick up for Rachel in the Choir room, WHERE IT COUNTS, Finndouche, de-Douchifies himself long enough toward the end of the episode, to tell Rachel and her Minnie Mouse costume, that he believes she has what it takes to write an original song for Regionals, and, ultimately, convince the Glee kids to sing it at the competition. 

“I think you are do for a COMEBACK into my pants,” Finn insists to his Ex, as he walks down the hallway, leaving Rachel to have a Mini-O at the mere notion that this cheating lame-o actually BELIEVES IN HER!

Yeah, I know this picture has nothing to do with what I just wrote.  I just posted it here again, because I think it’s really funny.  Also, Finndouche and I are in a fight . . . So, TAKE THAT, FINNDOUCHE!

All sarcasm aside, Sue announces, during the final moments of the episode, that she will now be acting as Glee coach for New Directions’ competitors, “Aural Intensity”  . . .

(Yeah, because that’s not unrealistic at all!  Sorry . . . sarcasm again!)

As a result, Sue will likely have THEM performing MCR’s “Sing,” considering it was her song choice, after all.  Therefore, I’m thinking that Rachel’s dream to write her own music for the Regional competition is about to come true . . .

And that was “Comeback” in a nutshell.  Did it give YOU the Bieber Fever, or would you prefer that it “GOback” where it came from?

[www.juliekushner.com]

Puck-er Up! It’s Valentine’s Day! – A Recap of Glee’s “Silly Love Songs”

Ahhhhh, February 14th!  It’s that time of year when hearts go a-flutter, and boys’ bank accounts go a-bust.   On this day, all convenient stores, as a rule, must look like they’ve been vomited on by Love Bunnies; and every television channel suddenly resembles Lifetime, Hallmark, or Oxygen.  It’s the day when I always eat too many of those, let’s face it, REALLY NASTY, Conversation Hearts, and am rewarded for doing so, with Massive Tummy Trouble.  It’s a time of hope, a time of anticipation, a time of  . . . intense nausea. 

Of course, I’m talking about Valentine’s Day . . . or, as I like to call it, Singles Awareness Day . . .

But don’t let the cynicism of the above paragraph fool you.  Because, beneath my snarky bluster, and rough exterior, lies a Deep Dark Secret.  And here it is:  I have a real soft spot in my heart for the lovey-dovey, ooey-gooey, mushy-gushy, sappy sweetness, of Valentine’s Day-themed television episodes.   And, for this reason, I ADORED Glee’s most recent  installment, “Silly Love Songs” (also . . . Puck was in it A LOT, which is always a good thing, in my book).

Be my Valentine, you Crazy Mohawk Man, YOU!

So, what are we waiting for Gleeks, let’s get SAPPY!

Puck Spells Woman “Z-I-Z-E-S” (and I spell CRAZY, “P-U-C-K”)

“I know I’m supposed to be staring at Lauren Zizes.  But, deep down, I can’t stop thinking about a certain TV Recapper . . .”

OK, Confession Time!  So, earlier this week, in response to a comment someone left me on my recap of the Glee Superbowl Extravaganza Episode, I MAY have noted that I love Puck as a character SO MUCH that I’d be willing to see him couple with any castmember, provided that doing so allotted him the increased screentime he so richly deserves.  ANYONE . . . I said . . . EXCEPT LAUREN ZIZES . . .

Do you ever get the feeling that your favorite television shows are MOCKING you?

When the episode begins, our resident Bad Boy, Puck, is all piney over a certain Full-Figured Woman, with whom he spent LESS than Seven Minutes in Heaven, swapping spit in a closet somewhere, pre-hiatus . . .

No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes.

Having decided that Lauren is precisely the dessert he wants to enjoy, after his Valentine’s Day Dinner No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes he decides to court his lady love, by giving her a Box of Chocolates No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, and proposing to her with a RING POP You’re KILLING ME HERE, Puck!

“This is a Promise Ring Pop.  It represents the Duration of Our Love.  I’m yours, until the last lick.  Because Diamonds may be Forever, but Artificial Flavoring tastes better . . .”

To Puck’s advances, Lauren typically responds by spouting out REALLY ANNOYING lines from rap and R&B songs of the late 90’s and early 00’s.  Some of these “gems” include, “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly,” and “you better check yourself, before you wreck yourself,” and “you best, stand corrected.”  Honestly, the whole time I was watching, I kept waiting for her to whip out a line from Sir Mix A-lot’s CLASSIC Rump Shaker, “I Like Big Butts.”  Unfortunately, she never did . . .

Excellent Opportunity for Hilarity = Wasted

But Lauren’s increasingly rude rejections of the Puckster only served to fuel the Righteous Flames of Love burning in his pants (Then again, maybe that was just his STD talking.).  So, when Mr. Schuester invited the Glee kids to perform songs that embodied their feelings about love, Puck surprised EVERYONE by rocking out to Queen’s Fat Bottomed Girls. 

“Left alone with Big Fat Fatty.  She was such a Naughty Natty.  That Big Woman made a Bad Boy out me,” Puck crooned, so VERY inappropriately, as he did this move with his crotch that I can only liken to the movement one makes when riding one of those quarter-operated Electric Horses you find outside your local Super Market . . .

You GO Puck!  RIDE THAT PONY!  (And no, I intend that as a Fat Joke . . .)

You can check out ALL of Puck’s X-rated moves, by clicking on the internal link below . . .

“I’ve never been serenaded before . . . and it made me feel like crap,” Lauren pouts.

You know who else was feeling like crap after Puck’s song?  ME!  Santana!  After all, she’d paid many a quarter to ride Puck.  And yet, she seems to be the ONLY Glee girl that he’s never serenaded.  Hey, remember when Puck decided he “loved” Rachel and sang “Sweet Caroline” to her, because Neil Diamond is Jewish, and so is she?

How about when Puck sang “Beth” to Quinn, because that’s what he thought she should name her daughter, to whom he was the Baby Daddy?

Or when he sang that Sammy Davis Jr. song to Mercedes because .  . . Do I really have to go there?

Well, apparently, Santana remembered ALL OF THESE MOMENTS, and the fact that she wasn’t involved in any of them, made her feel mighty unloved . . .

So, she buys herself some jewelry from Jared, and tries to slap Puck with the receipt. 

(Nice product placement there.  But wouldn’t it have been better if we  . . . I don’t know . . . actually saw the jewelry?)

But Puck’s not biting, because there is only room in his heart for one BIG woman.  So, he rejects Santana’s pint-sized patootie, in favor of something a bit more.  . . meaty.  Unfortunately, for Santana, her day is about to get about TEN TIMES worse.  As luck would have it, Lauren arrives on the scene, just as Santana is calling her a White Whale.  And, let’s just say, Fat Bottomed Girl is NOT PLEASED!

Santana talks a good game about being from the “mean streets” of Lima Heights Adjacent.  But those of us who watched the Britney / Brittany episode know she’s really a doctor’s daughter, who is able to afford boob implants, and $1000 hair extensions.  So, of course, Wrestler Lauren knocks the silicone right out of her.  Watching this makes Puck practically orgasm with excitement.  So, he BEGS Lauren to go with him to Olive Garden Breadsticks, which is apparently the ONLY RESTAURANT IN TOWN, the night before Valentine’s Day.

But Lauren actually has the gall to STAND HIM UP!

B*TCH IS CRAZY!

So, Puck makes out with a Random Chick, which makes me kind of happy, because I too, am a Random Chick . . .

Just when it seems as though all hope is lost for this Head Scratching Mind Boggling Completely Bizarre Adorable Couple (YIPPEE!  Make it stop!  Make it stop!), the next day, Lauren FINALLY agrees to go out with Puck to . . . you guessed it Breadsticks again, provided he agrees to take their relationship slow.  (A part of me just died, typing that sentence.)

And in that moment, all of my hopes to become a random extra on Glee, and get to make out with Mark Salling/Puck in the Olive Garden “Breadsticks” parking lot were irreparably shattered . . .

But, hey, at least there’s still a shot at me kissing Finn (Why not?  He kisses EVERYBODY ELSE!) . . . once the Mono goes away, that is!

Quinn and Sam = Finn-ished?

“Oh, come on!  Don’t dump me NOW!  Aren’t you the least bit curious, what would happen if Barbie and Ken procreated?  Our babies would be heralded by science, as the blondest, most blandly perfect looking infants on the planet!”

If you watched the Glee Super Bowl Extravaganza Episode, you know that Finn and Quinn played tonsil hockey, with one another, during its final moments.  Well, this week’s episode finds Finn wanting a rematch . . .

Operation Get into Quinn Febray’s Panties is A GO!

So, Finn comes up with the incredibly douchey very generous idea of running a Kissing Booth, where people pay a dollar to suck his face for five seconds.  (Ladies, buy gum, instead . . . it’s cheaper, and longer lasting.)  Proceeds from the lip locks will go toward the Glee Club budget.  Way to take one for the TEAM, Finn!

Our favorite (and by “favorite” I mean “only”) New Directions star / McKinley High Quarterback figures that do-gooder Quinn won’t be able to resist kissing him for a Good Cause.  And then, once she’s tasted those Dorito-covered lips of his, she’ll no longer be able to resist his social awkward bumbling personality intense charms.

But Quinn REFUSES to kiss Finn.  And she tells him as much, when she visits him at the kissing booth.  And yet, the hardcore eye f*&king she gives him, while she’s saying this tells a different story entirely . . .

Needless to say, Quinn’s Macauley Culkin Doppelganger Boyfriend, does not take this well . . .

Sam really showcases his “massive intelligence,” by convincing his girlfriend to KISS Finn, in order to prove that she isn’t attracted to him. 

“I’m CRAP with the ladies, and even I know that’s a TERRIBLE idea!”

“I’m pretty, but I ain’t dumb,” Sam insists, by way of explanation.  (I hate to break this to you Sam, but “dumb” is precisely what you are.)

“Don’t feel bad, Sam.  Stupid people get the best lines on this show!”

So, while Sam watches intently (because THAT’s not creepy at all), Finn and Quinn lock lips a second time . . .

Only, THIS TIME, this happens . . .

Thrilled by the prospect of Another Opportunity to Cheat on a Boyfriend Harlot Barbie makes plans to meet Finn in the auditorium the following evening. 

But things take a dark turn for these two naughty humans, when Santana notices that something is going on between them . . .

“Finn only gets that Gassy Infant Look, when he’s feeling guilty about something,” Santana notes astutely . . .

Source

Noticing that Quinn is also looking particularly gassy today, Santana eventually puts two and two together, and decides that the Happy Pair are having an affair.  So, what’s an Evil Temptress, who’s just been rejected by Puck, and called a Raging B*tch by her entire class, to do?  This sounds like a job for . . .

The Slutty Pedophile Candy Striper from Outer Space!

 So, Santana, who’s supernaturally whorish charms have apparently earned her some bizarro immunity to mononucleosis, “I’ve had Mono so many times, I’ve turned it into stereo,” heads to the local Elementary School in search of Man Meat.  She then quickly (and conveniently) finds a prepubescent Mono sufferer, aggressively ambushes him, and shoves her tongue down his throat . . .

I’m pretty sure this is illegal in about 15 states.  Little Stewie Woodcock doesn’t seem to mind too much, however.

Did you ever see the movie Species, where Natasha Hendstridge plays this sexpot alien who lures men into her bed, starts screwing them, and then, at the last moment, totally ALIENS OUT, and rips their bodies to shreds?  Well, that’s kind of the feeling I got watching Santana “work her magic” during this episode.  Evil Ho Bag then attacks Finn with her germy tongue at the kissing booth, and her work here is done.

Now, all she has to do is wait for Finn and Quinn to have their little rendezvous . . .

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

The very next day, since Santana’s alien Mono-Spreading Powers apparently also speed up the victim’s display of symptoms, both Finn and Quinn are wearing A LOT of pasty white face makeup looking and feeling extremely ill . . .

Santana helpfully explains that both of their symptoms seem suspiciously similar to Mono, something you get from TONGUE KISSING . . .

Sorry Sam!

(By the way, those of you who ended off this episode, feeling sorry for Sam, can take heart.  Something tells me he won’t be alone for long .  . .

Source

. . . me thinks our main man, Macauley, has some serious Mono / Stereo in his future.  Way to go, Samtana!)

While lying in the nurse’s office together, Quinn wisely notes to Finn that the last time she cheated on her boyfriend (which was FINN, by the way) she got knocked up, and this time, she got Mono.  Perhaps, the Universe is trying to tell her something ( . . . like that Harlot Barbie will be discontinued by Mattel, if she doesn’t straighten up, and fly right).  But Finn doesn’t care how slutty and tempermental Quinn is,  he wants to bang her ANYWAY!

“Pssst . . . the nurse won’t be back for another twenty minutes.  What do you say, we push these two cots together, and try to get you pregnant?  You can tell Sam it’s his . . . wait . . . why does this so sound so familiar to me?”

Quinn, however, refuses to make monkey with Finn, until she figures out her true feelings Macauley Culkin (She loved Home Alone, but hated Home Alone 2.  Quite the conundrum!), and HE figures out his feelings for Rachel.

Speaking of Rachel . . .

Rachel Sings a Love Song . . . to Herself (Then again, isn’t that what ALL her solos are?)

“Will YOU be my Valentine, hairbrush?”

Poor Rachel!  She’s been hung up on Finn since he dumped her ass on Christmas for hooking up with Puck.  This would be fine, if she ACTUALLY got to hook up with Puck.  However, Puck had to go and grow a conscience on her.  Leaving our poor heroine, both alone, and UNLAID. 

“What’s a girl to do?”

Nothing if not creative (She says, sarcastically), Rachel’s big plan for winning back Finn’s heart is . . . wait for it . . . to KISS HIM AT THE KISSING BOOTH.  You know, like EVERY OTHER GIRL IN SCHOOL.  Unfortunately, when Rachel does finally make it to the booth, dollar in hand, Finn greets her with . . . a peck on the cheek . . .

“W . . . T .  . .F!”

When Rachel confronts Finn about his cheeky ways, he offers her the Gold S tarnecklace he planned to give her during Christmas, conveniently advising her that she should stay single until he gets bored with Quinn and decides he wants her again, because she is such a STAR, that being saddled to a lame-o high school boy (like him) might weigh her down.  

“You need to shine.  Just because I can’t be with you because I’m boning Quinn, doesn’t mean I don’t believe in you,” Finn said sweetly.

It was a good line, one that I might have found touching, if it wasn’t coming out of the mouth of such a Hypocritical Douchebag . . .

Douchey-ness aside, Rachel is at Sick Finn’s bedside, while the Poor Boy suffers from Santana’s Supernatural Mono strain . . .

Rachel blathers on a bit about how much prettier Quinn is than her.  (Umm, honey, you’re both on TV, so stop pretending your not hot, K?)  She then asks Finn what kissing Quinn was like.  He tells her it made him see Fireworks.  (Asshat!  Why the f*&k did he have to tell her that?)

“Did you see fireworks, when you kissed me?”  Inquires the Glutton for Punishment.

LIE FINN!  LIE!  SHE CLEARLY WANTS YOU TO LIE!

Finn almost imperceptibly shakes his head.

YOU SLIMY BASTARD!

Rachel responds to Finn’s announcement, by thanking him for not giving HER Mono too.  You see now that she has no other options, Rachel realizes that being single is the best way for her to focus on her path toward Super Stardom.  To emphasize this New Discovery, Rachel chooses Katy Perry’s “Firework” as her lovesong . . . to herself.

You can watch Rachel sing about how badly she wants to tongue kiss herself, by clicking the internal link below . . .

Meanwhile, over at Dalton Academy . . .

Jeremiah Was a Bull Frog.  (i.e. The Best GAP ad EVER!)

Kurt and Blaine are stepping out together for a little coffee break.  Blaine tells Kurt he’s a card-carrying member of the I Heart Valentine’s Day Club.  As it turns out, Kurt’s not a big fan of V-day.  But he’s a HUGE of Blaine, particularly when Kurt realizes that Blaine knows how he takes his coffee and what his favorite sexual positions are.  When Blaine makes mention of wanting to show his newest Man Crush his true feelings, Kurt immediately becomes certain that Blaine is referring to HIM.  (Those of us, who saw the advance release clips from this episode, however, knew the Poor Guy was DEAD WRONG!)

Back at school, Blaine tries to convince his fellow Hogwarts Wizards to (gasp) leave the school grounds on a Romantic Pilgrimage to the Gap.  The Warblers are understandably horrified by his request . . .

“We are not safe in the outer world!  What if Lord Voldemort finds us?”

Fortunately for Blaine, Kurt ultimately convinces the Warblers to “step outside their comfort zone,” using one of his “When I was a New Directions Gleek” stories that I am SURE his fellow acafellas are forced to listen to EVERY SINGLE DAY.

“This one time . . . at Glee Club . . . I stuck a flute up my . . .”

And yet, when Kurt realizes that Blaine was NOT in fact, planning to sing to him, but, rather to some GAP manager named Jeremiah, he can’t help but wish he wasn’t so gosh darn persuasive.  Nevertheless, thanks to a Sweet Slumber Party, some hair braiding, and a whole lot of  SERIOUS Girl Talk with Gal Pals Mercedes and Rachel, Kurt ultimately decides to “be a man” and, be there to support Blaine, during his Mall Serenade . . .

Here comes my FAVORITE musical number of the evening!  Now, those of you who read my Superbowl Recap may recall that I was a bit harsh on Blaine and the Warblers, due to their awkwardly robotic dancing, and inability to let anyone sing solo, aside from “Junior Member” Blaine.  All those problems still existed, during Blaine’s rendition of Robin Thicke’s “When I Get You Alone.”  And yet, for whatever reason, all these negatives combined to make what I felt was a TRULY entertaining, foot-tapping, finger snapping music number!

Poor Jeremiah!  If the Warblers are Hogwarts wizards, he’s most definitely the Draco Malfoy of this situation.

A Brief Note to the GAP:  This musical number would be the BEST COMMERCIAL YOU’VE EVER HAD!  Heck the Warblers even modeled your merchandise for you, during the song!

Now, why the heck aren’t they selling those awesome pink sunglasses at MY GAP?

You can check out all the performance, in all its fabulousness, here:

Now, as much as I love “When I Get You Alone,” (The song actually remains one of my all-time favorites), in hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best choice for a Declaration of Love Anthem.  For one thing, there’s a definite predatory, and almost frighteningly ANGRY, stalkerish aspect to the lyrics.  (“Because you walk pretty, because you talk pretty, because you MAKE ME SICK, and I’m NOT LEAVING, ’til YOUR LEAVING!”)  And don’t even get me started on the song’s Horror Movie-esque opening notes.  (“Bum-bum, bum, BUMMMM!  Bum-bum, bum, BUMMM!”)

“You do know that if you don’t have sex with Blaine, we are going to beat you to a pulp, tie you up, and shove you in the bathroom of our tourbus, don’t you?”

Talk about a SERIOUS LETDOWN, after his award winning musical performance, Blaine is shocked to learn that the Object of his Affections (1) got fired because of him; (2) isn’t “out” to his coworkers (Telltale Gay Hair, notwithstanding); and (3) doesn’t like him in that way, especially because he’s underage.

“You know, there’s another GAP a few miles from here.  Think anyone gay works THERE?”

Finally, toward the end of the episode, Kurt confronts Blaine about the sort of mixed signals he’s been sending out, resulting in Kurt thinking that HE was the object of Blaine’s desires, NOT Jeremiah the Bullfrog.  Blaine apologizes, and the pair commiserate over how inexperienced and bad at romance they both are.  They decide to take things slow, and stay friends for now, in order to preserve the strong bonds of friendship the pair has forged, during the short time they’ve known one another. 

“We can be like When Harry Met Sally . . . only I get to be Meg Ryan,” Kurt notes cheerily.

“I can see a resemblance.  Don’t you?”

“Didn’t those two end up together in the end?” Blaine inquires cautiously.

Oh, Kurt . . . you Sly Dog, you!

Artie and Mike Chang are Friends (with Benefits?)

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I LOVE ME some Michael Jackson.  And P.Y.T., though a tad lecherous, in terms of it’s theme, was a fun little ditty for Artie to croon.  It was also an excellent showcase for Harry Shum Jr. (who plays Mike’s) very M.J. esque dance movies.  And yet, did anyone else, at least at the beginning of the musical number get the impression that these two dudes were singing the love song to EACHOTHER, as opposed to their Lady Loves?

Ummmmm . . .

TINA:  “I think our boyfriends are about to make out with eachother.”

BRITTANY:  “That’s SO HOT!”

(Yeah, I couldn’t find a clip of this one.  So, you’ll just have to take my word for it.)

Tears of a Clown

Have you ever loved someone so much, the mere thought of being with them evoked tears of joy?  No?  Me neither, which was why Tina’s cringeworthy blubbery rendition of “My Funny Valentine” was probably the most uncomfortable three minutes I’ve ever spent in front of my television screen . . .

Please, lord, make it stop!

But as awkward as I felt during this scene, it doesn’t even compare to how MIKE CHANG must have felt!

Just keep smiling . . . just keep smiling . . . Don’t let her know she’s crazy or she will KILL YOU.

The episode concludes with Kurt gathering the whole Glee crew together at . . . wait for it . . . Breadsticks (where ELSE?) for a meeting of the Lonely Hearts Club.

After a brief speech about love and singledom, Kurt introduces the Warblers (Woah, TWO off campus outings in ONE EPISODE?  Way to live dangerously boys?).  The group, led by Blaine (SURPRISE!) serenade the crowd with their rendition of the titular song “Silly Loves Songs.”

And that was more or less the episode, in a nutshell.  Did you like it?  Would you accept it as YOUR Valentine?  Or would you prefer to throw it back in the sender’s face, like Lauren Zizes did with Puck’s sucky chocolates?

[www.juliekushner.com]