The Boy Who Cried “Dead” (and the Wolf who Cried “Gone”) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Down the Rabbit Hole”

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Hola, Fangbangers!  This week on TVD, someone DIED again . . . but maybe not permanently . . . it’s kind of hard to tell.

Someone left Mystic Falls forever    for a REALLY, REALLY LONG TIME     for a few episodes, at LEAST!

And someone RETURNED FROM ETERNAL EXILE, at least until her NEXT eternal exile!

This is a big deal, right?  I mean these sorts of things don’t happen every week . . .

OK, you got me.  They kind of do happen every week in Mystic Falls.  But still!   When someone dies, they usually stay dead!

When someone leaves, they usually stay gone!

When someone returns, they usually stick around.

All these things could mean big changes for the show, as we know it.  RIGHT?

No?  Oh well!  On with the recap, anyway  .  . .

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who will undoubtedly miss screencapping JerBear’s abs, just as much as I miss writing about them!]

Skin Care with Damon Salvatore

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When we last left Damon Salvatore, he was dead . . .

No, seriously.  I don’t mean like “undead.”  I mean, that vampire hunter guy snapped his neck, and he wasn’t breathing.  (See what I mean about deaths being unusually passe and temporary, on this show?)

Anywhoo, Damon’s alive again now . . .

Except, he’s got a noose around his neck, and is being humiliatingly dragged around Lost Island by the guy who “killed” him . . .

These two are flirting with one another, something fierce.  The Vampire Hunter (who’s name is “Vaughn” by the way), compares Damon to a mosquito, an adorable pet name, if I’ve ever heard one.

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He also tells Damon that he’s been watching him, and all his friends closely (Though, apparently, not closely enough to know that Damon doesn’t give two craps about Bonnie.); and that he plans to use him to wake and kill the Infamous Silas.

In return, Damon remarks on Vaughn’s nifty new tattoo (which apparently sprouted new wings around the same time THIS happened) .  . .

Then, the eternal stud boasts of his own, supple, ink-free, skin.

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Oh, just get a room already, you two .  . . or at least a nice hole in the ground!

We interrupt this Very Sexy Infomercial for another “Previously on The Vampire Diaries” phone conversation . . .  Take it away, Elena . . .

“Like previously .  .  . on The Vampire Diaries . . .  we all went to this crazy island, where dudes wearing dreadlocks and white face paint occasionally try to  stake us and shoot us with arrows.  But you and Tyler didn’t get to come, because you were  both busy getting hit on / almost murdered by Klaus.  And then, like,  Damon and I TOTALLY got into this big fight, because I want to take The Cure.  And he like . . . doesn’t?  And then he disappeared, and I thought it was because he was mad at me.  But I think he’s like actually in a lot of danger?  So, um, anyway, even though last week we said we had no cell phone reception here, and now it seems like we lied . . . would you mind going to Klaus’ house, picking up his sword map, and sending us pictures of it?  Because we totally came to this remote and dangerous island without any plan, whatsoever?”

“What?  Elena?  I can’t hear you.  This is a really bad connection.  *makes fake static noises into the phone*  Ohhh, I think I’m losing you.  Gotta go. Have fun failing to get The Cure.  Byeeeeeee!”

“I can’t believe that b*tch hung up on me, on MY SHOW!”

Then, Caroline goes to Klaus’ house, so she can fondle his big ancient sword, which isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds . . .

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“Thanks so much for your help!  Here, have a rock!”

Poor Not-Johnny Depp . . .

He went through all this trouble to capture Bonnie and JerBear, and all he got for his troubles was a DAMN ROCK!

Shane said the rock . . . like . . . had some sh*t like that.  Bull honky!  It looked like a plain old rock to me!  And it certainly didn’t help keep Not Johnny Depp from ending up like this . . .

Sorry Not Johnny Depp guy!  Unlike the rest of the characters on this show, I’m thinking you are probably going to STAY dead.  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you don’t have to shell out extra cash for a fancy gravestone!  You already have a rock!

Aramaic for Dummies

Back in Mystic Falls, Tyler, Caroline and Klaus are having a great time surfing for porn on the internet . . .

“Hey, look!  It’s Andre’s screencaps!”

 . . .  and taking turns rubbing Klaus’ big ancient sword . . .

Tyler: “I think my sword is bigger.”

Caroline: “Trust me, it isn’t.”

“Hey Caroline, don’t YOU want to hold my sword for a little while?”

Tyler: “I’m not going to lie, this is making me feel a bit uncomfortable.”

Actually, Tyler and Caroline are using Klaus’ surprise knowledge of Aramaic to translate the sword.  They immediately call Rebekah on the phone to share the intel with her, figuring she’s on Team Scooby, anyway, so why not.  But then Klaus drops a not particularly surprising, because we all pretty much knew this from the beginning bombshell on them, which makes them wish they used cell phone minutes a bit more wisely.  As it turns out, there’s only enough vampire cure for ONE PERSON!

Oh no!  If Vampire Klaus Barbie gets to the cure first, the Scooby Gang won’t be able to use it to .  . . SAVE ELENA!  Oh the humanity!

“I don’t know why I’m crying.  I’m not even on this show.”

So, I guess now, in the words of the Three Musketeers,  it’s all for one, and one for .  . . ONE?

Meanwhile, back on Lost Island . . .

Stefan and Elena – Friends Forever . . . Literally

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Stefan and Elena share a nice platonic moment, during which Stefan admits that he still wants to grow old and eventually croak, even if that means never being able to insert his 160 + year old weiner (which might very well become instantly wrinkly, once he gets the cure) into Elena ever again.  Watching from afar, Rebekah doesn’t find this moment all that platonic . . .

Poor Beks . . . she’s always a bridesmaid.  (But hey, at least she’s the bridesmaid that ends up getting laid in the coat closet at the wedding reception!)

With her new knowledge about The Cure in tow, Rebekah cleverly separates Elena from Stefan, so that she can reveal to the latter her deep dark secret about  The Cure’s limitations.  She then asks Stefan if he’s going to end up giving the darn thing to Elena, anyway.  He can’t deny it, so she breaks his neck.  Ahhhh, young love . . . or, perhaps, I should say really, really, really  old love!

And just like that, another temporary death has rocked Mystic Falls.

Later, Elena comes to Stefan’s temporary death rescue, at which time he breaks for her the bad news about The Cure.  Elena’s response to this news is arguably more surprising than anything else that happens during the episode . . .

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WOAH!  Look who’s gone and become all self-aware on us!

All sarcasm aside, I was kind of proud of Elena, in this moment.  In past seasons, Elena has always been treated by the rest of the cast (except, maybe Rebekah) as a Delicate Flower, because she was a young fragile human, in a world of Old Dangerous Vampires, Werewolves, Witches and Whatevers.

“And what am I, chopped liver?”

But now, Elena is a vampire, who has committed murder.

She has no greater claim on her humanity / right to The Cure than any other life-loving vampire on this show.  And the fact that she understands that, and is willing to own up to it, makes me a lot more sympathetic to her character, than I have been in recent episodes . . .

In fact, Elena gets over the fact that she’s probably going to be a vampire for the rest of eternity, a lot quicker than one might suspect.  Instantly, she’s rushing toward the cave, dragging Stefan in tow, so that the pair can obtain the cure, and use it ON KLAUS!

“Not before I get my spinoff, b*tches!”

Things we do for love .  . .

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Also in the cave, Damon refuses to continue to be dragged around as Vaughn’s vampire puppy dog.

“I’ll let you off your leash, once you lift your leg and pee on the tree!”

Like the rest of the crew, thanks to Vaughn, he has also been blessed (or cursed, depending on the way you see things) with the knowledge that there is only one cure.  And while Vaughn’s idea to use the cure on SILAS, thereby preventing an impending apocalypse, even if it means all vampires shall STAY vampires for eternity, definitely seems like the better deal for Damon . . .

 . . . he’s still willing to risk all that, if it means making the woman he loves happy.  (Little does Damon know, Elena is TOTALLY willing to forgo the cure, if it means continuing to bone him for the rest of time, without Klaus constantly on their tail.)  So, Damon makes a move to beat the crap out of Vaughn, along with some help from a surprising source . . .

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Rebekah!

So what if they both end up totally getting their asses handed to them, by a mere HUMAN guest star, and end up passed out next to one another on the floor . . .

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It’s the thought that counts, right!

Later, when Stefan and Elena come to Damon’s rescue, he agrees to bow out gracefully, and let Stefan keep the proverbial Hero Hat that fits his slightly large head so well.  Damon doesn’t really want Elena to have the cure, because he fears it will be the end of their relationship.  But he’s not going to inadvertently stand in the way of her obtaining it either . . .

Further up in the cave, Elena encounters a familiar face . . . one that has no trouble whatsoever kicking her BUTT!

“This  is sooooo not my episode!  I’m calling my agent.”

Golly gee!  I wonder who it could be?

It’s the CIRCLE OF LIFE and tattoo removal

Over in Nosebleed Bonnie land, Shane finds a Perfect Circle, and positively no one’s everyone’s favorite witch uses the shape as an excuse to fondle Jer Bear’s naked body, once again.  (Honestly, can you blame her?)

JerBear: “But Bonnie, I thought you loved me for my mind?”

Bonnie: “Shut up and take off your pants, I have Very Important Witchy Work  to do!”

JerBear: “But the tattoo is only on my chest.”

Bonnie: *whistles awkwardly*

Bonnie: “Wow, I can feel your tattoo moving and growing.  The magic must be working.”

Jer Bear: *whistles awkwardly*

Bonnie must have really strong hands!  All it takes is a few fondles, and Jer Bear’s tattoo’s disappear, like he’s just had the Best Laser Treatment EVER!

“Thanks for the free tattoo removal.  You know, I also have this freckle on my left butt cheek that I never much cared for.  Do you think you could take that off too?”

Elsewhere, Vaughn’s tattoos disappear as well.  Unfortunately, no one had the foresight to take off HIS shirt, or this could have REALLY been a party!

“This is total crap.  I’m calling my agent too!”

Knowing what a total unapologetic perv I am, I suspect a lot of you assumed that my favorite part of this episode was that the mere fact of Bonnie touching JerBear’s Man Parts caused an honest-to-goodness avalanche in the Silas Cave . . .

But that’s not true at all!  My actual favorite part of the episode came a little later, when that same avalanche ended up paralyzing Professor Dumpy Dork, and the rest of the Scooby Gang left him to ROT!

Now THAT was awesome!  Honestly, they should have done that about five episodes ago!

But then, JerBear has to go and ruin all that awesomeness, by putting his shirt back on.  LAME!

“I’m sorry!  My nipples got cold, OK?”

Welcome back, Zombie Granny!

Bonnie knows she’s getting closer to Silas’ coffin when her Ghost Granny, who is suddenly sporting a SERIOUS case of the Crazy Eyes, pops up out of no where, and tells her that she should feed her blood to the rotted dead corpse . . .

“Hi sweetie!  Go kill yourself, OK?  Grandma knows best!”

Fortunately, JerBear, who’s seen more dead people in his lifetime than that kid from The Sixth Sense . . .

 . . . knows that Zombie Grams is nothing more than a figment of Bonnie’s Silas-controlled imagination.  He knows some sense into Bon-Bon, just in time for her to get stabbed in the back by that pesky Vampire Hunter Vaughn.

The Long(ish) Goodbye

With Bonnie out of commission, Klaus has earned his Get Out of Box Free Card, and can no return to the important work of Terrorizing the Cast of The Vampire Diaries Until His Spinoff Begins . . .

Not wanting Klaus to kill her boyfriend again, or chase him out of town for the 85,000th time, Caroline appeals to the Original Vampire’s “softer side,” by admitting to him that, like him, she too prefers her fangy, eternally youthful self, to the shallow, self-absorbed human brat she was back in Season 1 . . .

   . . . at least not anymore . . .

In return for this heartfelt admission, Klaus agrees to let Tyler take another multi-episode hiatus, before he goes and tries to kill him again.

Caroline: “Does this mean that Tyler gets a spinoff too?  It could be called Hungry Like a Hybrid?”

Klaus: “Don’t push your luck.”

Outside on the porch, Caroline and Tyler share a tearful, sweet, and possibly, but probably not, permanent, goodbye. . .

Tyler: “See you next season?”

Caroline: “Absolutely . . . well . . . unless the writers have given me another love interest by then, in which case, nice knowing ya . . .”

The on again, off-again couple genuinely promise to attempt to live full and happy lives without one another.  And I swear I’m not crying, it’s just raining on my face . . . or I’m chopping onions .  . . or something . . .

The Selfless Salvatore

Speaking of touching, Rebekah and Damon share a surprisingly genuine moment, during which Rebekah expresses her admiration for Damon’s selflessness, with regard to Elena and the cure.

 

I really do like Rebekah, and think it’s about time she gets herself a hookup that isn’t Elena’s sloppy seconds.  Anyone else agree?

Surprise!

Further down in the cave, we FINALLY get our first glimpse of the ever elusive SILAS . . .

 

And I hate to say this, but he kind of looks like Mikael . . . you know   . . . that OTHER big scary vampire type, who started off entombed, until he fed on one of the cast members, and then awoke, only to die about two episodes later . . .

 

Deja-vu?

If you recall, it was actually the unlucky Kat, who received the honors of being Mikael’s first meal, which is fitting, when you think about it, because . . . well . . . I’ll get to that in a bit.

So, Vampire Hunter Vaughn is fighting with Vampire Hunter Jer Bear, when “Elena” makes a surprise appearance, and rescues her brother from certain death . . .

JerBear’s first hint that “Elena” isn’t quite herself, is when he has to REMIND her not to KILL Vaughn, and risk being saddled with that pesky Vampire Hunter Murderer curse again.  His second hint, is when she refuses to help paralyzed Bonnie, which I think is just good sense.  That witch is a pain in thee ass!

 

But alas, JerBear figures out a bit too late that the vampiric female, who came to his rescue is not his sister at all, but . . . wait for it . . . KATHERINE PIERCE . . .

 

 

Annnd . . . then she feeds JerBear to Silas, who breaks his neck, and leaves him lying dead on the floor.  (So much for avoiding that Hunter Killer Curse, Katherine!)

 

 

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So, is Mystic Falls’ Shirtless Wonder REALLY dead?  Or just FAKE DEAD . . . like all those other times?

It’s hard to tell at this point.  And this makes it difficult for me, as a viewer, to have a genuine emotional response to a loss which, if it actually sticks, will be a pretty major blow to the Mystic Falls Community, on multiple levels . . .

(I’ll miss those ARMS, that’s for sure!)

The promos certainly want us to believe that JerBear is gone for good.

But IS he?

Only time . .  . and next week’s episode will tell . . .  See ya then, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

I Know What You Did Last Silas . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Into the Wild”

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Nothing like a little change of scenery to shake things up a bit.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, we all love getting wasted on whiskey at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

And getting staked at Elena Gilbert’s house .  . .

And getting chased by psychopaths down the hallway of Mystic Falls High . . .

And we DEFINITELY love getting wet in Damon’s shower . . .

But sometimes we all can use a break from the daily grind of getting our hearts ripped out of our chests . . .

. . . and hot no-frills sex . . .

. . . and drama with a capital D.

Sometimes, we just need to . . . go to Canada . . .

This week’s installment of TVD was a literal detour from week’s past, in that a good portion of it took place on a remote island off the coast of Nova Scotia . . . Lost Island Silas Island.  So, strap on that backpack, hold your ancient headstone up high, and practice your “expression,” Fangbangers.  Because it’s time to head . . . “Into the Wild.”

[As always special thanks to Andre, who photographs Steven R. McQueens pectorals more lovingly than Bonnie Bennett ever could . . .]

Bushy hair is whacked!

It’s Super Short Flashback Time!  Professor Dumpy Dork is being chased through the forest by . . . wait . . . is that Johnny Depp’s character from The Lone Ranger?

I guess we can take this to mean the natives are on Team Dead Kol, when it comes to letting The Cure stay buried, right alongside other Discarded TVD Plotlines, like Damon’s Crow and Bonnie’s decision to date her sort-of brother?

“Now, where was Johnny Depp, last week, when I was getting my ass handed to me at Baby Vamp’s house?”

Back in the present day, our Scooby Gang (minus Caroline and Tyler) arrives on Lost Island Silas Island in their trusty canoes.  (Who knew Mystic Falls had its very own Eastern Mountain Sports store?)  Professor Dumpy Dork waxes poetic about the island, and makes some lame vampire sunscreen joke to Damon, who looks unamused.

“Are you sure?  It smells like coconuts?”

Then, Rebekah and Elena try to stake one another in front of Stefan, who looks VERY amused, but has to pretend he’s not . . . you know, to protect his image as the Brooding Tortured One.

Hey . . . you know what . . . while we are waiting for something exciting to happen, let’s go ahead and give our Scooby Gang their Lost identities for the hour.  After all, this is the Lost episode of TVD, after all.  (For those of you who never watched Lost, feel free to skip down to the next section, as this part is going to make absolutely no sense to you.)

Professor Dumpy Dork, of course, is our Benjamin Linus.  You know, the guy who fans new was bad news, the minute he appeared on screen.  And yet the Losties took about a season to figure out the exact same thing . . .

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Damon is that uber sexy snarky rascal, Sawyer (naturally) . . .

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Which, I guess makes Elena, the intrepid Kate . . .

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And Stefan the serious minded doctor with daddy issues, Jack . . .

Depending on your personal feelings about her, Rebekah could either be the started-out-as-an-Other, but-turned-into-an-ally / plucky love interest blonde, Juliet . . .

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 . . . or the bratty, doomed-to-die blonde with brother issues, Shannon . ..

Our warrior Jeremy, will double as THEIR Warrior, Sayid . . .

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Also starring Bonnie Bennett as . . .  the Smoke Monster . . .

X Marks Jeremy’s Nipple

Now, I like obligatory shots of Steven R. McQueen’s naked flesh as much as the next girl . . .

But could someone please tell me why they waited until the crew got to FREEZING COLD LOST ISLAND for Bonnie to start snapping pictures of JerBear’s hot bod?

They couldn’t have done that before they left . . . like, say, in Jeremy’s bed?

Because the way Bonnie was fondling that tattoo definitely seemed illustrate a bit more than “scientific interest” on her part . . .

And let’s be honest, as far as Maps To the Cure go, this one seems to pretty much be the Easiest One to Read EVER.  I mean, we are pretty much talking about a straight line from Jer Bear’s right arm to his left nipple.  Not much room for error, there . . .

As for the theory that JerBear’s hunter tattoo is not a map at all, but a “spell to awaken Silas,” that theory ends up pretty much being a dead end too.  So, in other words, the Scooby Gang just had thousands of vampires, so that Jeremy could look sexier with his shirt off . . .

Makes perfect sense to me!

This is My Confession . . .

Damon Salvatore .  . . He’s an enigma, wrapped in pain, wrapped in love, leather, and a nice behind .  . .

He was a self-proclaimed monster, with a deep dark secret, one he couldn’t bare to share with anyone, who would live to tell it to anyone else.  Damon Salvatore was a vampire, who missed his humanity . . .

And yet, unlike a certain other Salvatore, he was never ashamed of who he was.  And when the woman he loved also turned into a vampire . . . well . . . it didn’t change how he felt about her, in the least . . .

So, he taught her to love herself, which, in turn, helped her to realize that she loved him . . .

Why am I recapping all of this for you?  Well, basically, because I found Damon’s admission this week, that, not only did HE not want the cure,  but he didn’t want Elena to take it either, a bit confusing.

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Now, don’t get me wrong, I particularly enjoyed Ian Somerhalder’s acting this week.  There was a certain wistfulness about him, that we haven’t seen in some time.  I loved the resigned sadness on his face, as Elena fervently reassured him of her continued love for him, human or vampire.

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It was quite obvious that Damon’s history wasn’t letting him believe her.  Yet, he really WANTED to believe her.  And, above all, he wanted her to be happy.  So, he pretended to be happy too, even though, inside, he was miserable.

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That made sense to me.  What didn’t make sense was Damon’s sudden shunning of Elena . . . his assertion that he wouldn’t want to be with her, while she got old and died, and he stayed the same age . . . even though, for three seasons, the love unrequited Elder Salvatore seemed like he would have given the world for that opportunity.

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Was Damon lying to himself?  Was he subconsciously trying to make himself believe that he could no longer love a human Elena, so that it would hurt less, if she stopped loving him?

Then again, maybe, the writers are just doing a little ret-con to make the inevitable plot twist of DAMON dying and coming back as a human, while Elena stays a vampire, more epic.

And, while we’re on the subject, shouldn’t this so-called sire bond, have immediately caused Elena to shun the cure, once she realized that her taking it would displease Damon?

Whatever the reason, I cheered when Damon tried to beat the sh*t out of Professor Dumpy Dork.  (A least someone has finally wised up to the idea that this guy is up to no good.)  And I was kind of bummed, when Elena stopped him.

Speaking of the Shanester . . .

Fake Aztec Moonstone Curse 2: Electric Boogaloo

I don’t know about you guys, but for me, there was something about Shane’s flashback stories that struck me as a little bit . . . what’s the word I’m looking for here . . . oh yeah, FULL OF CRAP!  Let’s review, shall we?

(1) This week we learn that Bonnie’s witch ancestor buried Silas alive, to punish him for planning to use HER cure for immortality spell on ONE other woman.  And yet, the Scooby Gang somehow believes there’s enough of this cure for all the vampires in the world?

(2) Professor Shady Douche claims he got this entire idea for the Journey to Rescue Silas from a  . . . hallucination he had of his Crazy Dead Witch Wife?  And no finds that the least bit disturbing / odd?

(3) The “Good” Professor boldly admits that route to the cure involves THREE massacres, not the two he’s already brought about.  And NONE of these people, who have just been brought to a deserted island . . . where no one can hear you scream . . . is the least bit worried, that they’ve been brought here not because they have some big rock in their pants, or a gnarly tattoo, or a nice ass, or a nosebleed problem . . . but because they are PIGS FOR SLAUGHTER?

And, finally (4) any plan that involves Poor Man’s Benjamin Linus protecting the increasingly volatile Bonnie Smoke Monster from erupting hot lava all over Canada, just seems doomed to fail from the get-go.

But hey, what do I know?  I’m just the lowly recapper, right?

Two Vamps and a Stefan . . .

Damon’s Lady Troubles render him unusually incapable of snark this week.  Fortunately, Rebekah hops right in to the role of comic relief, lobbing zingers, left and right, mostly at her favorite target  . . . Elena.  From her wry determination that Elena was the only one who brought nothing to the table, when it came to the Scooby Gang’s quest for the cure (though, it could be argued that, since carrying a headstone requires only one vampire, not two, Rebekah, herself was equally useless) . . .

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 . . . to her later insistence that she saved Elena from the flying spear of an angry native, because she wanted the perky brunette’s death to be EPIC, Rebekah had me chuckling multiple times throughout the episode.

Oh, and let’s not forget her wise recognition of Damon’s ASS-ets . . .

I also related very much to Rebekah’s obvious fear, as the group sat at the Blair Witch Campfire that night, of things going bump in the night.  Many would argue that an All-Powerful Original Vampire shouldn’t fear lesser supernatural creatures, like ghosts and dumb natives.

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But I’m personally terrified of spiders and cockroaches, so I certainly can’t fault her for that . . .

Plus, it gave her a nice excuse to cozy up close to Stefan, a union I fully support.

In addition to being funny, Rebekah also appears to be the Voice of Reason in this episode, when she reminds the rest of the Scooby Gang, that they are all just as evil murderous monsters as she is . . . killing anyone and everything that gets in the path of the people she loves.  So, why don’t they all just cut the crap, and work together?

And work together is precisely what Stefan, Rebekah, and Elena ultimately decide to do . . . after Damon, JerBear and Bonnie disappear, and Wanna Be Ben Linus makes off with their precious headstone . . .

“Smell ya later, losers!”

Elena even offers Rebekah back her “Originals Take a Nap” Dagger, as a sort of peace offering.

I mean, it’s not like they have any other options. We interrupt the I Guess NOT Everybody Loves Elena After All Show, to bring you . . .

Klaus in a Box

Back in Mystic Falls, our loveable Box inhabitant gets his very first visitor, Tyler.  (Welcome back, Tyler!)  At first, they just growl and snarl at one another a bit, and exchange “I killed yo mama / yo brudda jokes.”

Tyler smugly notes that, once his Scooby pals get The Cure, they will use it to “humanize” Klaus, and break the sire line.  This way, they can kill him, without subsequently murdering everyone in the cast.  Look at you, Tyler. . . a few months as a hybrid, and already you are an Expert in Vampire Mythology And Other Things Completely Unknown to the Rest of the World.

(Except, a certain in-the-works spinoff tells us all, this isn’t actually going to happen.  So, thanks for playing, Tyler.  Better luck next time.)

Then, Caroline pops over to do a little happy house cleaning.  I liked very much how her version of disposing of Kol’s dead corpse was putting a blanket over it.  That’s how I handle most of the stains in my house, so I can relate.

When Klaus tries to appeal to Caroline’s good will for a Get Out of Box Free Card, she scoffs at the idea, insisting that Klaus “is not worth the calories she burns” yelling at him.

Huh?  Since when does Vampire Barbie not like to burn calories?  Don’t all girls like to burn calories?  Are vampires even capable of burning calories, considering they are . . . you know . . . dead . . . and stuff?

So, many questions.   Unfortunately, we won’t have time to answer any of them, because, the minute Caroline finishes speaking Klaus stakes Caroline, and bites her neck, rendering her unconscious, and, prospectively doomed to death by werewolf venom poison.

It looks like someone should have created a smaller Klaus Box . . . BONNIE!

So, now Caroline is dying . . . again . . . and it’s shades of the last time Caroline was dying from a werewolf bite.  Except, this time, instead of sort of / kind of compelling Tyler to do it, this time Klaus “bites” the bullet, no pun intended, and does the dirty work himself . . .

“Now, that was well worth the calories,” Klaus jokes.

(Stupid boys and their fast metabolisms.  They think it’s just soooooo easy to burn off a late night bite of Caroline . . .)

Tyler is horrified . . .  Caroline is on the Gilbert fainting couch, looking really pretty for a near-death girl.  Tyler begins to bargain out of desperation, “If you save her, I’ll be your b*tch again,” he pleads hopefully.

“Been there, sired that,” Klaus replies . . . more or less.

So, Tyler carries Caroline home to die in peace . . . annnnd then he brings her back.

(Now, that’s what I call a good workout!)

Tyler leaves Caroline to die in front of Klaus, which had to be a tough thing for him to do, on multiple levels.  For one thing, there is no guarantee (at least in Tyler’s mind) that Klaus will save her.  So, there’s a very good chance, he will return to the Gilbert’s house to find her dead.  For another,  Tyler is basically leaving the woman he loves in the arms of another man, hoping that THAT man’s love will be enough to allow her to continue living.  AWKWARD!

From a character development perspective, I kind of wish the producers lingered on Tyler’s face for just a few brief moments, after he “dropped Caroline off.”  I think it would have added an extra layer of poignancy to the scene.  But unfortunately for Tyler, this storyline ended up not really being about him at all . . .

Like with Damon’s scenes this week, Klaus’ and Caroline’s “moment” was more notable for the brilliant acting displayed during it, than for the writing that made up the scene itself.  I’ve never really considered myself much of a Klaus fangirl (waves at blogger pal, Amy / Imaginary Men).  However, there’s just something about his Angry!Cry that just melts my heart to mush, every time I see it . . .

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And Angry!Cry was in full force as the dying Caroline dangled the carrot of The Redemptive Power of Love in front of his face.  “I’ve caught myself wishing I could forget all the horrible things you’ve done,” Caroline says, in one labored breathe.  “Anyone capable of love, is capable of being saved,” she says in another.

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Girlfriend is like a Life-sized Dying Hallmark Card . . .

But it worked . . . on Klaus, anyway . . . who Angry!Cried his bloody wrist to Caroline’s lips, just moments before she took her last breath . . .

Deja-vu?

Back at Lost and Found Island . . .

Jer Bear gets kidnapped by (I think) the axe murdering Johnny Depp, who tried to kill him, earlier in the episode . . .

“You’re not really Johnny Depp!  Liar!”

Bonnie Smoke Monster makes some . . . wait for it . . . Black Smoke.

Damon wanders off to sulk, and gets temporarily killed by a (hot?) vampire hunter, as punishment for being overly broody . . .

Professor Evil drags new hostage Jer Bear and Bonnie off into the sunset to find Silas.

But at least he’s taken that ridiculous flashlight hat off his head . .

He looks like the forgotten cast member of The Village People.

Ruh-roh . . .

Next week, on The Vampire Diaries, meet Hot Vaughn: Vampire Hunter Extraordinaire.  Here’s hoping he lets us see HIS Hunter Tattoo, before the hour is up . . .

Tune in next time to find out who!  Until then, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]