August | TV Recappers Anonymous

"So, Snow White gets to keep two kids and a hot husband, and I get stuck with nothing but a funny looking hat and blue balls."

“So, Snow White gets to keep two kids and a hot husband, and I get nothing but a funny-looking hat and little blue balls.”

When people say, “Love makes you do crazy things,” they tend to be talking about romantic love . . . the kind of love that gives you butterflies in your tummy, a warm gooey feeling in your heart, and that awkward tingly sensation in your pants.

But what about the love a parent feels for his or her child? The kind of love that only develops when a little tiny human enters your world and, at least for the first two or three years of its life, is totally and completely vulnerable, relying on you for even the simplest of life’s necessities, including pooping.

If romantic love can make you do crazy things, well then that kind of love should have the power to render you damn near psychotic.

This week’s installment of Once was all about the great lengths parents will go to shield their little ones from darkness . . . even if that darkness happens to be coming directly from the parents themselves.

Also this week on Once . . .

. . . everybody gets away with lying to Emma, whose bullsh*t-detecting magical power seems to have been on the fritz ever since she started dating the flying monkey back in Season 2.

Alcoholism… making ugly flying monkeys look like Captain Hook since the beginning of time…

. . . Belle gets a little tongue action from someone whose name most certainly does not rhyme with Bumplebiltskin.

. . . Snow and Charming act shady and start (or continue, depending on how you look at it) sucking at life.

. . . and a plot is hatched for Regina to infiltrate Regina George’s Army of Skanks Maleficent’s Queens of Darkness, thereby indicating that I’ve been genuinely onto something with all my shameless Mean Girls references this season. (Never pegged the Evil Queen as a Cady Heron though . . .)

“You’re like really pretty.”

Let’s review, shall we?

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE!

[The Vampire Diaries’ Recap for “Do Not Go Gentle” is on its way! Check back early Saturday morning, April 28th, E.S.T.]

May Sweeps is fast approaching. And it’s already been quite the busy week in TV land. Let’s see, we’ve had decapitations, mutilations, demon baby births, people turning into snails, travels to alternate dimensions, fake family reunions, real family reunions, LSD trips, and people claiming to be Martians . . .And that was all before midnight on Monday!

So grab your sword and crossbow, and let that funny tasting sugar cube melt on your tongue, because it’ time for a trip down TV’s Memory Lane, Lazy Recapper’s style.

Once Upon a Time – “The Return”

This week on OUAT, we learned the real reason why poor little Baelfire never brought his dad, Rumpelstiltzkin in to talk to his class on Career Day. Sure, turning straw into gold, bargaining for first born babies, and turning people into snails, just because they gave your son a boo-boo is a great job.

“I also have fabulous hair.”

But for some reason it doesn’t make the Rumpel family all that popular with the townsfolk. Gee . . . I can’t imagine why?

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Es carg – OH NO!

Understandably, Baelfire (Um . . . can I just say, as far as names go, this one is pretty darn awful. Then again, what do you expect from a guy who’s name sounds like the German word for “Butt Stilts”) is a bit tired of being Fairytale land’s least likely to be Prom King and/or get laid before the age of 55. So, the young lad vows to find a way to make his dad’s DARK MAGIC evaporate, faster than one can say “Bippity, Boppity, Boo.”

“And that’s how I get my face looking so sparkly and demonic, each day.”

And wouldn’t you know, some things actually ARE easy in fairytale land. Upon meeting a rather ornery, and self-righteous fairy, Baelfire learns that the key to turning his snail-hating, and baby-loving dad, with the poopy name, back into a normal man is a . . . bean(?).

“Are we supposed to be vanquishing evil or cooking?”

But this, of course, isn’t just any bean. It’s a Time and Dimension Traveling Bean. Baelfire, of course, is THRILLED. He can’t wait to share the good news with ole pops!

“By the way, if you ever run into Tinkerbell, tell her I think she’s really hot.”

However, unfortunately for Baelfire, Rumpelstiltzkin isn’t quite so ready to give up his magic ability to prevent the snail population from inevitable extinction. So, when Baelfire tosses the bean, and the inevitable funnel cloud of smoke and gas emanate from it (Insert Inevitable Bean-Eating Flatulence Joke here), only the little guy has the courage to travel to the Land of the Boring and Magic Free. Meanwhile, the miserable and extremely guilty feeling Rumpel remains in Fairytale land, totally and utterly alone.

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But, as we all know, Rumpel did eventually made his way into the Land of the Boring and Magic Free. Does that mean there is hope for an inevitable father/son reunion? Who did little Baelfire grow up to be, anyway? Was it this guy?

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Well, that’s what most of us thought, at least until about 40 minutes into the episode, when The Stranger (who just keeps getting Stranger by the Minute) waved a hunk of steel in Rumpel’s face, while chanting some ridiculous prayer purposed toward making the poor old guy his lifelong slave. Not exactly the kind of sentiment that fits on a Father’s Day card . . .

“Because I care enough to send the very best . . . here, let me shove this pretty sword in your neck . . . Dad.”

So, here’s my new theory on August the Stranger. ~~(I saw the promos, after all.)~~ He’s actually . . . wait for it . . . PINOCCHIO. It would certainly explain his peg leg, and penchant for donkey paper weights. I’m thinking that, even though magic successfully converted Pinocchio into a “real boy,” in Fairy Tale land, that magic has an expiration date here in the boring real world.

“On a positive note, I don’t have to worry about that pesky nose-growing thing, anymore . . .”

And this means that August is doomed to revert back into a puppet status, unless someone*cough Emma Swan cough* can ship him back to Happily Ever After, ASAP. Makes sense, right?

You know what makes less sense? What happened this week on Mad Men . . .

Mad Men – “Far Away Places”

Here are just a few of the many things I learned, while watching Mad Men, this week.

(1) Take LSD! Not only will it help you divorce your wife, it will also make your liquor bottles musical, and enable you to perfectly recall old baseball games, while getting pruny in your bathtub! Talk about efficient living!

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Just beware of “shrinkage” . . .

“I was in the tub . . . I swear it was only because I was in the tub!”

(2) Michael Ginsburg may be an honest-to-goodness Martian. But Stan Rizzo only owns one suit jacket. And it just so happens to be that hideous green plaid one. Which one do you feel sorrier for?

My vote goes with Stan. Rumor has it the Martians are pretty snazzy dressers . . .

(3) Peggy Olson is NOT Don Draper. And giving someone a hand job during the movie with all the cute little lion cubs in it, or yelling at a client, who doesn’t like her idea, does not make her him.

“Can I get some popcorn with that?’

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Oh, and . . . whatever you do, don’t ask her for her thoughts on beans.

“You WILL like my advertising idea, or I’ll have my good friend Rumpelstilskin turn you into a snail!”

Speaking of Don Draper . . .

(1) When Don Draper says you should like Orange sherbert, you BETTER like Orange sherbert. And don’t even think about ordering yourself a pie for dessert. Because you’ll end up walking home from that Howard Johnsons in East Deliverance, U.S.A, ALL BY YOURSELF . . . just you and the ten rednecks who tried to hit on you, outside the phonebooth. Yes, I’m looking at you, Megan!

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(2) This one is also for Megan, or any of you future Ms. Draper’s out there. When your husband (a) murders women in his sleep and shoves them under his bed for safe keeping; and (b) only seems to like having intercourse with you on the floor, AFTER he’s failed to scratch your eyes out or strangle you . . . you might want to reconsider the single life.

Foreplay?

In other, People You Definitely Don’t Want to Marry News . . .

Game of Thrones – “Garden of Bones”

(Special thanks to my pal, Andre, for all the awesome screencaps!)

Hey Joffrey Baratheon, you seem to be getting to that age, when boys start growing hair on their chest . . . their voices change . . . they stop thinking women are icky, and start wanting to get some. Given all that, you might be interested in hearing some tips on how to woo women. Here’s a hint. Don’t do ANY OF THE THINGS YOU DID DURING THIS WEEK’S EPISODE OF G.O.T . . . (or any episode of GOT for that matter)

You heard me, boy. That means, no having women stripped naked in public for your amusement, no making them stare at their father’s decapitated head for fun, no menacing them with crossbows, while someone shoves a hot poker up their asses, or flogs them with a belt. Need I say more?

Speaking of demon seeds, Melisandre gave birth to some hideous looking black puff of smoke that makes that thing that came out of the guy’s stomach in the movie Alien look downright cuddly by comparison.

The whole scene gave me an awful flashback of that Miracle of Life video they made us watch in middle school. I’m still traumatized by it to this day. (There’s no better form of contraception, as far as I’m concerned.) Which reminds me, I wonder what kind of health coverage one gets working for the “Lord of Light?”

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“I wouldn’t know. I work for the Prince of Darkness, myself.”

Speaking of Stannis’ seed, it’s looking to me like Renly won out in the gene pool competition in the Baratheon family, BIG TIME. Not only did he kick his brother’s ass in their High on their Horses pre-war pissing contest, this week . . . he’s also better looking, more popular, funnier, and most importantly, didn’t sire that nasty black sh*t that came out of Melisandre’s uterus . . .

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“Now, I know how Danny Devito’s character felt in the movie Twins.”

Too bad Renly doesn’t play for my team . . .

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Meanwhile, Arya visited Harennhaal Castle, where her infamous “People to Kill” list grew by about ten names. But, unlike many of her co-captives she got to keep her head . . . literally. So, yayyyy, Arya!

Elsewhere, on greener pastures, Dany, Mother of Dragons, used her feminine wiles and genuine kick ass nature to enter what seems like the nicest locale on this show, not to mention the only one that looks remotely clean.

Sausage Party

My only question then, is why did they give it a totally lame name like QARTH.

“I pity the fool who pronounces it as QUARTH.”

Speaking of totally lame . . .

Gossip Girl – “Despicable B”

Blair made a TOTAL ASS out of herself, at one of Dan’s dull emo parties, by wearing a totally inappropriate, and not particularly cute dress, and making an awkward rambling speech, no one cared about . . . all because the New Yorker referred to her as “low brow.” Now, she’s worried she lost sight of her “true self.” Glad you caught on Blair. We’ve been worried about that, since the whole “Pact with G*d” episode . . .

Sometimes, the truth hurts . . .

More drama on the Lily the Greedy Van der B*tch front. But at least this time she’s found the right target for her ire, her sister . . . who got carted off to jail at the end of the episode for paying someone to pretend to be a family member, in order to free up some trust fund cash.

Just try not to drop the soap . . .

Speaking of the faux-sibling, in question Ivy ultimately got off scott free for the part she played in the scheme. She even got a check for $1 million for her troubles. She ended up tearing up the check though . . . You know, because she has . . . like . . . standards, and stuff. ~~MORON!~~

Ivy Dickens . . . a real bastion of morality.

Speaking of fake family members, remember when we found out that Diana Von Slutsky was actually Chuck’s bio mom? Well, now, it turns out . . . not so much. But get this, UNCLE BART might be his dad. Seriously? How old would Bart have to have been when Chuck was born? TEN?

I know those Bass boys start sexing young, but this is a bit ridiculous. And how about all those times Bart tried to get Chuck to OD on DRUGS so he can steal his hotel from under him. Talk about things you won’t find on the Father’s Day Hallmark cards . . .