Tag Archives: authority

Because Vampires Don’t Have to Suck . . . – Seven (and a half) Ways to Save True Blood, Next Season

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It’s probably no secret that True Blood and I are on a bit of a “break” in our relationship.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, we still see one another, every Sunday night . . .

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But, lately, it’s become more out of habit than anything else.  Basically, I think we’ve both come to the conclusion that the spark in our relationship has fizzled a bit.  We’ve even started seeing other people shows . . .

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Now, lest you think I’m a total sour fangbanger, I will say that the past few episodes of True Blood have been fairly decent.  And yet, with only one episode left in the season, I feel like this may just be a case of “too little, too late.”

However . . .

I don’t give up on my friends and my lovers.  And I definitely don’t give up on my once-favorite television shows.  The truth of the matter is, I still think True Blood can be saved!

A few weeks back, I suggested a few possible spinoffs for the show, that might re-energize the franchise.  This week, I’m focusing on the show, itself.  So, without further adieu, I proudly present to you, my seven (and a half) step foolproof plan to make True Blood fangtastic, once again . . .

1) Minimize Extraneous Plotlines

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The folks of Bon Temps definitely know how to tell a great story.  Over the past few years, we’ve had a few really great plotlines that will forever remind me of why I fell in love with this show, in the first place.  Who could forget Season 1’s Sexy Serial Killer?

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Or Season 2’s “Jason Joins a Jesus Cult” fiasco?

And let us not forget Season 3’s “Mississippi Vampire King Delivers the News” . . .

Like its predecessors, Season 5 has also had its share of solid storylines.  For example, I’ve been genuinely enjoying Tara Thornton’s and Steve Newlin’s parallel transitions into “good new vampire” and “bad new vampire,” respectively.

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And Vampire Pam has positively killed it this season (no pun intended), with her kickass “origins” story, her heartbreaking (hopefully temporary) separation from Eric, and her surprisingly heartwarming acceptance of her responsibilities as Tara’s maker.

Speaking of Eric, I’ve also really enjoyed seeing a genuine soft side to the Viking Vampire (as opposed to the artificial, highly disconcerting “manchild” soft side we got during the Amnesia!Eric Days, last season), as he struggles with his faith, his feelings toward his Maker and Progeny, and his strong desire to save the soul of his “sister” Nora.

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The problem is that these are just four of about twelve different storylines that have been jam-packed into this season.  Now, sure, the idea of every single cast member getting his or her own extended backstory / plotline is good, in theory.  But it’s simply not workable for a twelve-episode season.  I mean, honestly, did we REALLY need to spend eight episodes on the Big Bad Battle between Terri and Noel from Felicity versus The Smoke Monster from Lost 2: Electric Boogaloo?

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And what about that bizarro Shifter Killers in Obama Masks storyline . . . you know, the one that was largely comprised of roughly ten characters we have never seen before, and will likely never see again?  In a 22 or 24 episode season the existence of these sideplots wouldn’t have mattered so much.  But in a cable-sized season, they took significant time away from stories and characters we genuinely care about.

So, in conclusion, when it comes to storylines, less is more.  I don’t think it’s a coincidence that some of the best seasons of True Blood were also the ones with the least storylines.  Season 1 managed to rope all of its characters into a single Serial Killer plotline.  And Season 2 did the same with thing with two plotlines.  As a rule of thumb, the more core characters you can incorporate into your story, the more invested your viewers will be in that story.  This, of course, leads me to . . .

2) Don’t split up your core cast members

The majority of this season found Sookie, Jason, Pam and Tara slumming it in Bon Temps, while their co-stars, Eric and Bill, schmoozed it up with those uber snooty (not to mention, snoozy) Authority folk.  Now, whether you happen to be Team Eric or Team Bill,  TEAM ERIC!  TEAM ERIC!  TEAM ERIC!  as a fan, this had to dust your doilies a little bit.

Now, I’m not even lodging this complaint from a shipper / romance perspective.  I’m simply talking about basic logistics.  Having your most popular characters interact with one another on a regular basis, is something fans LIKE TO SEE.  After all, back in Season 1, we signed on for a show about a spunky Southern Waitress, interacting with Sexy Vampires.

Not a Spunky Southern Waitress traipsing around with nameless fairies, while the Sexy Vampires are doing their own thing, Somewhere ELSE . . .

Just sayin . . .

3) Choose an Interesting and Charismatic Big Bad

Over the years, True Blood has had some stellar super villains.  There was the elusive Rene Lenier in season 1 . . .

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. . . the oddly charming Steve Newlin, in Season 2 . . .

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. . . and who could forget the inimitable Russell Edgington’s debut in Season 3?

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Initially, Season 5 of True Blood seemed to have the right idea.  Bringing back that zany religious nutbar Steve Newlin?  And as a VAMPIRE, no less?  Then, pairing him with Russell Edgington, for a dynamic (and surprisingly likeable) evil duo?  How could this plan NOT succeed?

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And, to some extent, it did succeed . . . Russell’s and Steve’s scenes together comprise some of the most enjoyable, hilarious moments of this entire series.

So, what’s the problem, then?  All those OTHER lame villains, who have also been thrown into the mix, starting with . . .  WAIT FOR IT . . . That Gross Red Lady, Lilith . . .

I mean, honestly, aside from that extremely small population of men who get turned on by women coated in chunky tomato sauce, with voices like drag queens, who exactly is the audience for this kind of character?  I mean, doesn’t say much, so she’s not exactly funny or smart.  The fact that she may or may not be real, makes her not particularly scary.  And the fact that she seems to get everyone else to do her dirty work, while she just stands there and stares at the camera, makes her flat out LAZY!

The same can pretty much be said for her minion, Salome, who, at least is a bit nicer to look at, but pretty much bores me to tears, every time she is on screen.

What bothers me so much about this flaw in Season 5, is that it was entirely unnecessary!  We had two perfectly good villains, who were more than capable of carrying the show on their own.

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Sigh!  Maybe next season . . .

4) Keep Fabulous Characters Behaving Fabulously . . .

One of my favorite things about True Blood, was that the show could always be counted on to bring the SASSY.  Back in Season 1, Pam, Tara and Lafayette comprised the Triumvirate of Sass.  These three could always be counted on to have the perfect zinger for just about every wacky situation on the show.  Here are just a few of their highlights . .  .

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But then somewhere in the middle of the series Pam got quiet, Tara got whiny, and Lafayette (when he wasn’t getting kidnapped, or crying about something) was getting possessed way too often by people who were way less sassy then himself.

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Somewhere in the middle of this recent season however, Pam, Tara, and Lafayette all managed to simultaneously get their respective grooves back.  Now, that has been a joy to watch!

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So, in the future, TB writers.  Let’s keep the Triumvirate of Sass doing what they do best, BEING SASSY.  And please, for the love of all that is holy, NO MORE POSSESSIONS . . . EVER!

5) The books are GOOD!  (Well, at least the first seven were . . . ) USE THEM!

By now, it’s certainly no secret, even to the most casual True Blood fan that the television series is based on a collection of books called the Sookie Stackhouse Mysteries, written by the author, Charlaine Harris.  Up until this year, each season of True Blood could be mapped directly to a Sookie Stackhouse Book.  Season 1 of True Blood loosely followed, Book 1 of the Series, Dead Until Dark.  Season 2 followed Book 2, Living Dead in Dallas, and so on . . .

Following along with a popular book series, was a win-win proposition for True Blood.  Fans of the books enjoyed seeing their favorite characters come to life on the small screen.  And while these book readers knew the basic structure of the season’s plot line, there were always little surprises thrown into the series, to keep them on their toes.  Like, for example, there was that time that a character who died early in the books (Lafayette), shockingly survived in the series.  And then, there was that other character (Jason), who turned into a shifter in the books, but stayed human in the series.  Book fans were also able to enjoy the addition into the television series of a few original plotlines which, while they didn’t actually take place in the context of the books, still seemed to consistent enough with the overall narrative of the story, that they conceivably COULD have happened, in the novel’s “deleted scenes.”

Then Season 5 came, and it suddenly felt as though the books never existed . . .

Now, I know . . . I know . . . the show is NOT meant the same as the books.  And True Blood writers are obviously well within their rights to develop original plotlines for these characters in the context of the show.  On the other hand, there are still a couple of excellent plotlines from the books that it would almost be a shame not to use in the series.  I mainly referring to the AWESOME World Vampire Conference in Book 7, and the very intriguing mystery of what happened to Sookie’s cousin Hadley, in Book 6 . .  .

Basing the True Blood Seasons around particular books, helped the writers give this show consistency, structure, and balance, which brings me to . . .

7) Maintain a healthy balance between camp and horror

True Blood still remains one of the few shows out there that can make things like brutal stabbings, and bloody murder FUNNY.

Part of the reason for this is that the show, its actors, and its writers never  took themselves too seriously.  By inserting moments of “meta” self awareness, and slapstick hilarity, into even its most gruesome sequences, early True Blood episodes successfully towed the line between comedy and horror, without being totally offensive or tasteless.

Then came this season . . . and that vampire that eats little kids and babies . . .  Now, call me prude, but there’s just no way I can find that funny.  In fact, I have trouble finding any portion of the Vampire Authority Storyline (with the exception of the scenes including Russell and Steve) funny . . .

Maybe it’s because those stuffy, Lilith-loving politicians are always so gosh darn serious all the time!

So, in conclusion, for next season, I suggest, more CAMP . . .  less politics / baby eaters.  KAPEESH?

And finally . . . last, but certainly not least . . .

7.5) Less naked Lilith and Luna, more naked Eric / Alcide / and Jason!

I think this one is pretty much, self-explanatory.  Don’t you?

So, there you have it, 7.5 surefire ways to keep True Blood Fangtastic for Season 6. Any questions?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Bon Temps Regurgitated – A Recap of “Let’s Boot and Rally!”

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Boot and Rally, Fangbangers!  It’s the mantra of champion partiers the world over.  After all, everyone knows that the harder you party, the greater the chance that your “fun” is going to come back and haunt you . . . one way or the other.

But the strong among us are the ones that can take a beating, dust ourselves off (rinse out our mouths, if necessary), and head right back out on the proverbial dance floor to do it all over again.

At least, I call that strong.   Others might call that stupidity . . . or alcoholism . . . whatever.

Anyway, this week’s episode of True Blood was all about the various ways in which people’s past can come back to haunt them.  It also explored how some of our favorite (and a few of our not-so- favorite) characters coped with these “haunting” experiences.

But enough philosophizing, let’s boot and rally on to another TB-cap!

REVENGE of the Orange Marzipan

When we last left our heroine Sookie Stackhouse, she was grinding her ridiculously drunk ass all over Alcide man candy, and cleaning his werewolf fangs with her tongue.

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Meanwhile, Ambiguously Gay Vampire Duo Bill and Eric stood outside Sookie’s window . . . watching.  (Quality Vampire Porn must be real hard to come by in Bon Temps, if even the King of Louisiana has to improvise.)

Eventually, Sookie and Alcide decide to move this party upstairs.  Sookie hitches a ride on Alcide’s massive torso, and up to the bedroom they go!

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Now, whether or not you’re a fan of Sookie and Alcide as a couple, you have to admit, this scene was pretty f*&king awesome.  There were grunts, groans, grinds, and kisses from both parties, and Alcide did this thing with his belt that had to be the best free advertisement for the Magic Mike movie I’ve ever seen.

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Then, Alcide whispers in Sookie’s ear that he’s “waited so long for this.”  And really, what girl doesn’t want to hear that, pre-coitus?

Sookie’s response?  Let’s just say it was explosive . . .

And now for the super slow-mo instant replay . . .

Oh, it’s SO over!  Eric and Bill are upstairs in a flash, for the post-game wrap up.

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Alcide thought he was getting laid tonight.   Instead, he got a pair of shoes that will match nicely with a pair of khakis, if he ever decides to wear them . . . (Alcide always seemed like more of a jeans and flannel guy to me.)

Downstairs in the kitchen, a still drunk Sookie is just finding it absolutely hilarious that her two ex-boyfriends have interrupted her sexcapades for yet another Vampire Investigation Mission.

She’s game, though!  Talk about a boot and rally.  Sookie’s so eager to get started on her mission, she can’t even be bothered to properly open her front door!

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 (I almost forgot that Tara broke that last week.  I wonder if Sookie’s homeowner’s insurance policy covers “Vampire Temper Tantrums” . . .)

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Meanwhile, in some random bunker .  . .

REVENGE of the . . . um . . . Evil Fire Thingy?

Terry and Noel from Felicity have been tied up by their wackjob comrade, who keeps babbling on and on about something called a “lfrite.”  Apparently, it’s like this Vengeance Fire Demon or something.  Wackjob Comrade says the “lfrite” is out to get Terry and his buddies, because of all those people they torched during the war.  Personally, I’m kind of hoping the lfrite goes ahead and takes vengeance on this lame storyline, by burning it to the ground.  But for now, it just takes Wackjob Comrade, while Terry and Noel from Felicity live to “lfrite” another day . . .

In other news . . .

REVENGE of . . . Jesus’ Head?

Lafayette is sad, because that weird party mask from last season, keeps making him do BAAAAD things, like almost put bleach in the soup at Bon Temps, and cut the breaks on Sookie’s car.  (Quite the kidder, that Weird Party Mask!)

So, Lafayette does what many people would do in this situation.  He prays to Jesus . . .

. . . well, not THAT Jesus .  . . although he was standing in front of a statue of HIM when he said the prayer.  THIS Jesus . . .

You know, the one Lafayette sort of / kind of killed last season, while under the influence of yet another dark force?  “Show me a sign that you hear me!”  Lafayette pleads.

Jesus does his former beau one better.  He gives him head . . . literally.  

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Now, that’s what I call a good boyfriend!

REVENGE of  . . . that Annoying Authority Storyline

In the immortal words of Vampire Pam, “Blah, blah, blah . . . Blood of Lilith, Blah.”

Christopher Meloni is trying to rally his troops against the imminent uprising of the Sanguinistas,  who may or may not be led by Eric’s hot but crazy sister, Nora, who’s spent the past three episodes or so, doing nothing but rocking back and forth on her knees, screaming and curling up in a fetal position.

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 (The character had such a promising start too!)

But personally, my money is on Salome being the REAL woman behind the rebellion / freeing Russell from his cement jail cell.

My favorite part of this whole Authority Storyline was when Mac from Veronica Mars called Bill and Eric to tell them she had activated the blow-up device on their leather S&M jock straps.

Why was that my favorite?  Because Mac from Veronica Mars is funny, and so are leather S&M jock straps, at least I think they are . . .

REVENGE of the Shapeshifter Haters with the Funny Masks

Ruh-roh, Scooby Doo!  There appears to be a gang of Supernatural Creature Killers on the loose, who keep offing all of Sam’s shifter buddies! (Man!  Sam’s pals and f*&k buddies just seem to drop like flies, every single season.  Remind me to un-friend him on Facebook . . .)

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Back in Season 1, we didn’t get to find out who the serial killer was,  until the second-to-last episode.

But this time around, these chumps are driving around out in the open with their stupid masks, like it’s friggin Mardis Gras.  They shoot both Luna and Sam, as a petrified Emma shifts into a baby wolf and skitters away.  I’m going to take a wild guess and say that Luna’s dead and Sam’s not . . . which means Sam’s probably going to adopt Emma, which means a lot more screen time for the child actress.  But hey, at least wolf girl is better than that vampire kid, right?

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Anything is better than that vampire kid . . .

REVENGE of Fangbanging Hoyt

One thing True Blood has always been missing is evidence of solid girl bonding.  I mean sure, Sookie and Tara were “best friends.”  But lets face it, they spent half of the screen time they spent together,  crying, yelling and screaming, usually at one another.

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After all, Tara isn’t exactly the kind of girlfriend you invite over for to watch a Ryan Gosling Movie Marathon, talk about boys, and dance around the room with, while you’re singing into your hairbrush.

But Vampire Jess is definitely that kind of girl, which was why it was so cool to see her take Tara under her wing, and show her all the awesome things the vampire world has to offer.

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And wouldn’t you know it, girlfriend even made Tara crack a smile or too, which is probably the most shocking thing I’ve seen in four plus seasons of True Blood.

Then, stupid Hoyt had to go f*&k everything up with his lame 80’s rocker clothes, and new-found fangbanging ways.  Damn, The Man!  Remember back when this was a REALLY likeable character?

That seems like ages ago, now!  Mama Fortenberry would definitely not approve!

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Tinkerbell’s REVENGE

Thank you, Fairies, for making Jason naked again . . .

. . . and for that weird (but oddly captivating) dream sequence where he wore He-man footy pajamas, and his mom told him to go get a blow job, because it “always makes him feel better.”

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You are officially, my heroes!

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Speaking of naked, Andy Bellefleur spent a second episode of the season in his birthday suit, thereby making him officially nude more than ERIC NORTHMAN, this season.

Not cool . . . Alan Ball . . . not cool at all . . .

And the moment you’ve all been waiting for . . .

The Return of Russell Edgington!

With the help of an extra large coffee and some Nutter Butters, Hangover! Sookie successfully un-glamored Alcide’s employee, simply by holding and fondling his hand a few times.  Now, that’s impressive (as were the hilariously petrified expressions the guy was making throughout the entire episode — LOVED HIM)!  Somehow or other this brings Sookie (her HAREM of men in tow) to the creepy old abandoned insane asylum where Russell Edgington has been biding his time, while his burnt up nasty face reforms.  The endless buffet of human shishkabobs certainly doesn’t hurt.

The episode ends with a final triumphant showdown between Big Bad Russell (who’s still looking a bit too feeble old mannish to be believable as genuine threat) . . .

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 . . . and one delicious Viking Vamp.

Vampire Househusbands of Bon Temps – The Reunion Special

Color me intrigued!  Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Sookie Stackhouse: Angel of DEATH! – A Recap of True Blood’s “We Will Meet Again”

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Uh oh, Fangbangers!  Don’t mess with the Sookster!  Because, if you do, you might just end up with a stake in your heart, a cap in your ass, a face full of glow fingers, or a piece of your brain flapping in the wind.  (Sorry Tara!)

For all you folks who’ve been super pissed about this whole “Everybody Loves Sookie” theme that’s been a resounding refrain on this show since season one . . .

. . .this was the episode for you!

Sookie sure wasn’t feeling the love this week . . . with everyone from Lafayette, to Holly, to that random extra sitting in the back booth at Merlotte’s giving her Bon Temps Death Stare.

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Of course, there was one notable exception . . .

Yes, TB fans, after two seasons of unrequited sexual tension, Alcide Herveaux and Sookie Stackhouse finally swapped some heavily alcohol-laced spit, just a hop skip and a jump away from the spot where the former’s trailer trash ex was turned into wolf kibble.  Ain’t that sweet?

In other news, they FINALLY killed off that darn kid . . . Yeah, I said it.

Let’s review, shall we?

Tanning BAAAAD, Blood GOOOOD!

Those of you who were secretly hoping that Vampire Tara would meet her maker, Jersey Shore style, were probably a bit disappointed, when Pam not only rescued her progeny from the Evil Tanning Bed, but forbid her from using it again.  (I guess she will have to find more creative ways to try and off herself now.)

That said, considering how much pride Vampire Pam takes in her relationship with her Maker (more on that later) . . .

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 . . . it was kind of nice to see the tough-as-stakes blonde take her “parenting” responsibility seriously.  Not only did Pam teach Tara how to feed without killing, she also helped her to hate herself just a little less, and gave her some fashion tips to boot!

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Now, that’s what I call a good mom!

Of course, teaching Tara not to hate herself, may have had the unintended effect of making Tara hate Sookie more.  And she’s in good company, in that regard .  . .

Everybody HATES(?) Sookie (especially that Demon Head thing)

Now, Lafayette, my Laffy Taffy.  Most of the time, you and I see eye-to-eye on things.

But even I have to say, you’ve been acting like a total Turd Ball to Sookie . . . blaming her for Tara’s vampirism, when the whole “turning” thing was 100% your idea first .  . .

What’s worse, from the mean, nasty thoughts everyone was thinking about the bustiest Stackhouse at Merlottes, your “Sookie Sucks” mentality just might be contagious.

And don’t get me started on that weird Demon Head Halloween mask you like to wear sometimes for sh*ts and giggles.  What the f*&k is up with that?

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Whatever it is, it screwed up the brakes on Sookie’s car, and almost left her brain flapping in the wind, Tara Thornton style . . .

. . . almost . . . but not quite.

Of course, not all “hated” characters will make it out of this episode alive . . .

OMG!  You killed that annoying vampire kid.  You RULE!  Bastard!

Let me start by saying that there are a lot of really great child actors in this world . . . like Sally Draper on Mad Men . . . and that kid from Modern Family, and pretty much every pre-pubescent on Game of Thrones.

That little vampire kid .  . . who I’m sure is a really nice guy in real life . . . just isn’t one of them.

I mean, sure, he looked the part . . . all cute, blonde, and well dressed.  In fact, if he never opened his mouth, he’d be an awesome vampire.  I’m certain of it.  Plus, I think, if I was forced to be ten-years old for all eternity, I’d probably be pretty loud and whiny about it too.

But there was just something about the way “Alexander” delivered his lines each week, that just made fans say, “Stake that b*tch.”

And so, when Christopher Meloni learned from Eric’s hot sister that there was a traitor among them . . . one with blonde hair, baby teeth, and a super screechy voice, that’s exactly what he did . . .

BRAVO!  Er . . . I mean . . . awwww . . . he was just a kid . . . that’s sad.

Meanwhile, in Terry’s boring storyline news . .  .

PTSD 2: Electric Boogaloo

Noel from Felicity and Terry go on a rather lame road trip, to find their former comrade, who once shot up some civilians, because they looked at him funny.

Long story short . . . they find him . . . He paints creepy pictures . . . and looks like he hasn’t taken a shower since Desert Storm.  Needless to say, unlike Noel from Felicity, whose hot, and looks like he could sell you insurance, Arlene probably wouldn’t be so quick to invite this guy home for a dinner with the “Fam.”

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In which Eric and Pam make us ugly cry . . .

Oh, Eric Northman!  It’s a good thing you’re so pretty.

Because like Lafayette, you also treaded dangerously close to Turd Ball territory, at the beginning of this episode.  Suffice it to say that accusing Vampire Pam, your own flesh and blood . . . literally . . . of betraying you and releasing Big Bad Russell Edgington onto an unsuspecting populace was most definitely not your finest hour.

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That said, you did earn some of that debonair Viking Vamp mojo back, when you made the ultimate personal sacrifice to save your progeny, even though that meant renouncing the most sacred bond between maker and made.

“How ya like me now?”

For those of you who did not get even the slightest bit teary, when Eric — who, once again, fears his rendezvous with Russell Edgington and the Authority might end up being fatal — told Pam she was destined for greatness, and that she had to live on without him to ensure the vitality of his bloodline .  . . well . . . you just might not be human.

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The only thing that would have made this scene better would be if Eric was naked during it.  But hey, we can’t get everything we want in this world, right?

Or can we?

In which both Alcide and Jess take one for Team Sookie, but only one of them gets rewarded for it . . .

Earlier on in this recap, I noted that almost everyone seemed to hate Sookie this week.  Of course, there were some notable exceptions to this rule.  The first exception was Vampire Jess who, upon hearing that Sookie wished to turn herself in to Sheriff Andy for killing Trailer Trash Debbie . . .

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 . . .  immediately took the law into her own hands.  Like the awesome gal pal she is, Jess followed Jason to Sheriff’s office, and defty compelled Sheriff Andy to forget that Debbie even existed.  Pretty awesome huh?

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Of course, Jessica’s compulsion tactics would not have been nearly as effective had Debbie’s grieving parents already called off the search.  And why did they do that you ask?  Because sweet ole lovelorn Alcide blamed the whole thing on already dead packmaster Marcus, which is kind of perfect, when you think about it . . .

Yeah . . . you go ahead and tell them you didn’t do it, Tough Guy!

Meanwhile, Sookie, who’s, all in all, had a pretty crappy day, what with being called the Angel of F*&king Death, and almost DYING when her car went all “Christine” on her, and randomly wrapped itself around a tree . . .

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 . . .  has decided to go and get herself good and wasted.  That’s my girl!

You know what, Fangbangers?  This might have been my favorite scene in the episode.  For starters, Sookie’s bar selection is all kinds of awesome.  Either girlfriend’s been filching for Merlotte’s, or she’s totally been holding out on us.

And what’s more, for all her whining and ugly cry facing, Sookie is actually kind of an awesome drunk!

She sings her own versions to cheesy songs like “The Pina Colada Song,” while humping the couch.

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She also entertains werewolfy guests, whose girlfriends she just murdered, by making them drinks called Orange Marzapan, and telling them, in no uncertain terms, how much they looooooove her.

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That’s right, Alcide.  You thought you were fooling the mind reader, with your gruff exterior, and unrequited secret were-lust.

But you were wrong!  So, now that you’ve been caught, it’s time to put your tongue where your mouth is, and eat that busty fairy’s face.  Nom-nom, nom . . .

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Oh, and hey, it looks like you have an audience!  Poor Beeeel . . . it looks like you aren’t going to be the Knight and Shining Vampire in this fairytale.  And now that your ex has moved on to furrier pastures, if you want to force her to help you find Russell, you’re probably going to have to use more than your “charm” to do it.  Might I suggest dipping into your daughter’s Mary Jane stash?

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Oh, and Eric, you may act like this doesn’t bother you at all.

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But you aren’t fooling anyone . .  And as many times as you say “F*&k Sookie,” we all know that deep down that’s exactly what you’d like to do . . . again.

Speaking of folks, who are f*&ked . . .

Barak and Hillary – Shapeshifter Edition

Apparently, it’s a bad day to be a shapeshifter, who vaguely resembles a highly regarded political figure.  Just ask these two pals of Sam’s who “shifted” into corpses, and will never “turn” again.  The question is . . . who killed them?  I smell another mystery!  Because lord knows, that’s just what this season needs, ANOTHER mystery for Sookie to solve . . .

Speaking of mysteries . . .

Moulin Rouge- Fairy Edition

Why does the Super Secret Fairy Club that the mayor dude took Andy and Jason to visit look like a set from the straight-to-video sequel to Moulin Rouge?

And why did that weird random fairy have glow-sex with Andy in the woods last season?  Unfortunately, we have little time to contemplate the answers to the questions, because our two favorite buddy cops stay at Hooligans Fairy Dance club is disappointingly short.

Not long after Jason reunites with his cousin Hadley, who we last saw playing beer-bitch to the ill fated Queen Sophie Anne, he and Andy get their ass glow fingered (that sounds dirty) right out of the club!  And all because Jason started asking too many questions about Sookie’s fairy roots, and what really happened to his parents.

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Is Sookie really in danger, due to her vampire intoxicating fairy blood?  (Isn’t Sookie always in danger?)  Could vampires really have murdered the Stackhouses, back in the day?  Can a human male get pregnant from glow sex with a fairy?

Unfortunately, these are all questions for another day, and another episode.  Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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