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The Secret (and Scandalous) Lives of Gleeks – A Recap of Glee’s “Rumours”

Of all the secrets revealed in this week’s episode of Glee, this one, about Lord Tubbington, was probably the most shocking . . .

I’ve got a secret.  (Shhh!  Don’t tell anyone.) 

Before seeing this episode of Glee, I knew next to nothing about Fleetwood Mac.  I didn’t know who they were, or what songs they sang, or why their band name sounds like something you’d see on the menu at McDonalds. 

“I’ll have a Fleetwood Mac with Cheese, please.”

Come to think of it, saying I knew “next to nothing” about Fleetwood Mac was probably a bit generous, on my part.  Right?

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And since this week’s Glee installment was based entirely on ONE Fleetwood Mac album (entitled, appropriately enough “Rumors”) I’m at a bit of a disadvantage, in terms of writing this recap. 

But one thing I DO know a lot about is GOSSIP.  After all, EVERYBODY gossips.  GOSSIP IS FUN . . . at least, when it’s not about YOU.  Fortunately, all of the gossip in this week’s episode is about the GLEE KIDS (and Will).  So, we can just sit back, relax, and enjoy the train wrecks that are OTHER people’s lives, for a change! 

Sorry Mr. Schue!

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s start spreading those NASTY rumors, we all secretly love so much!

Santana “bats for the Pink Team,” Mike Chang has a big . . . eggroll, and Brittany’s cat EATS CHEESE!

“So, let me get this straight . . . it’s a show . . . within a show . . . within a recap .  . . about the show.  How META!”

 Geez!  For a television character who doesn’t know how to sign her own name, only writes in crayon, and was once quoted as saying that she “[doesn’t] know how to turn on a computer,” Brittany S. Pearce sure is tech savvy! 

“I don’t even know what either of those words mean.”

I mean, it’s not easy to create your own online webshow, complete with expert camera handling (Who exactly was supposed to be filming that bit, anyway?), a VERY catchy opening theme song, and snazzy on-screen graphics!  And yet, somehow, Brittany hosts Fondue for Two, which I’m pretty sure is the best web program ON THE PLANET! 

(I’m serious!  More of THIS, please!)

Perhaps, one of the coolest things about Fondue for Two (aside from it teaching us that Mike Chang’s abs aren’t the only part of his body that’s “firm and strong”) . . .

“My boyfriend’s Hot Dog is THIS BIG!”

I find that offensive.”

 . . . was that it finally introduced us to BRITTANY’S CAT, LORD TUBBINGTON!

Now THOSE are some hot abs . . .

Though Lord Tubbington (or as I like to refer to him Tubbie Bear) had never appeared on Glee before, his reputation certainly proceeds him.  After all, he and Brittany have what you would call a “love-hate relationship.”  Remember when Brittany worried that her cat was reading her diary? 

A younger (and slightly thinner) Lord Tubbington caught in the act . . .

How, about the time when Brittany became convinced that her dentist, Dr. Carl, was actually her cat in disguise?

“Mind if I lick your face?”

And, this week, Brittany let Lord Tubbington eat cheese right out of her fondue pot (He’s on the Atkins Diet), and get interviewed on her web show, even though she “knows he started smoking again.”

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LORD TUBBINGTON THINKS:  “Dammit, she must have found my secret stash in the litter box.  I thought I buried it really deep too!”

Personally, I’m hoping Tubbie Bear becomes a series regular on the show, complete with his own solo number and love interest . . .

“What’s new, Pussy Cat?”

Sue’s Evil Plan to Ruin # 5,672 (and 5,673)

Breaking News:  Sue Sylvester just signed on to play an Extra in Avatar 2 – Electric Boogaloo

Back in Evil Villain Land, Sue inexplicably dresses up as a scary aging rockstar, and an even scarier Republican . . .

This image gave me nightmares.

Apparently, some one in the writers room thought this was really funny / a good idea.  That makes one of us . . .

Anywhoo . . . this week Sue tries to bring down the Glee Club, by starting a newspaper, who’s sole purpose is to spread rumors, through fake blind items about Glee Club members . . .

Terri’s idea to ruin the Glee club is a bit more practical.  She calls upon April Rhodes . . .

SURPRISE, Glee Fan!  You’ve just won Another Recycled Guest Star!

 . . .  and convinces her to invite Will to star with her in her own Broadway production about her life (Such a humble character, that April!).  After all, Terri knows that Will has always wanted to take his shot at succeeding on the Great White Way . . .

Sing it, Schuester!

And if April can convince him to move to New York with her, not only will Sue get Will out of the Glee club, Terri will get Will out of his apartment, so SHE can move back in.  (Pretty clever, right?)

And today’s lesson is . . .

OMG!  What is with these bizarre facial expressions?  Step aside, Jim Carrey!  Hollywood has a Brand New Rubberface (who probably charges a whole lot less than you do . . .)

Just as planned, Sue’s blind items tear the Glee club to shreds!  First Santana calls Brittany out for OUTING her as LEBANESE in public.  (As it turns out, when she said Santana was “batting for the other team,” she was actually only referring to extracurricular activities.)  Meanwhile, Finn thinks Quinn is cheating on him with Sam; Quinn thinks Finn is cheating on HER with Rachel; and Artie thinks Brittany is cheating on HIM with Santana (which, of course, she TOTALLY is).  It’s just a WHOLE BIG MESS.


But fear not, Gleeks!  Because in our darkest hour, there is only one thing on which we can count: Will Schuester and his Lucky Episode Sponsor Lesson of the Week . . .  That’s right boys and girls!  To teach his little kiddies the importance of being able to rise above the hurtful power of rumors, Will has chosen to force his class to sing songs who’s lyrics revolve around the hurtful power of rumors.  an album that actually has little to do with secrets or gossip, but just so happens to be called “Rumours.”  HOORAY!

Will’s idea is that since, singing these particular songs, helped keep Fleetwood Mac from breaking up, covering them will keep New Directions from falling apart.  IT’S GENIUS!  (Well . . . not really . . . but we can pretend, right?)

Will’s Dreams . . . are Dead . . . (Or Are They?)

To kick things off, Will introduces Three-Time Guest Star April Rhodes (One more appearance, and she wins a free dinner at The Olive Garden Breadsticks) to the class AGAIN.  April then proceeds to bump, grind, and inappropriately seduce the underage males in the class (and Will) with her rendition of Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams.”

Like I said, the relationship this particular song has to “rumors” is pretty tenuous.  But April does a nice job with it, and the kids seem to enjoy it enough.  April continues her plot to seduce Will over to the Dark Side of the Great White Way, through (1) a homecooked meal of Flirtation and Eye F*ckery . . .

Was anybody else watching this scene worried that either April or Will would end up setting their matching butt chins on fire?  Come to think of it . . . that would have been really funny.

. . . and (2) a RIDICULOUSLY BAD original song duet  .  . .

Not surprisingly, by the time April pops the “Come to Broadway with Me” question, Will is already well-primed toward saying “yes.”  Further complicating matters, is a surprisingly supportive, New and Improved / Washes Fruit Significantly Less, Emma . . .

Look guys!  Emma ate this grape off the FLOOR, after only soaking in water it for ONE-HALF HOUR!

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Talk about better living through chemistry!

Anyway, New and Improved Emma thinks Will is “really talented” and should “follow his dreams.”  Hearing this admission causes the Schue to cry.

But, fortunately, having undoubtedly been told by show producers his friends that his Ugly Cry Face would frighten the Boogeyman himself, Will tones it down a notch with the Facial Squinchiness . . .

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Less Ugly Cry Face, More Eye F*&kery and Mutual Fruit Fondling

As it turns out, Will feels genuinely torn between pursuing his dream of fame and fortune, and . . . hanging out with the Glee kids / f*&king washing fruits with Emma . . .  Such a dilemma!

To make matters worse, Sue sends out Brittany to pepper Schue with questions about his Broadway Aspirations (and, of course, what type of underwear he wears . . . inquiring minds want to know).

It looks like the answer is “boxer briefs (with stuffed chickens coming out of the crotch).”

“Will’s Hot Dog is this big . . .”  (Sorry Schue!  It looks like Mike Chang has you beat, this time!)

When THAT doesn’t work, Sue publishes an article in her paper stating that Will has ALREADY decided to leave McKinley for Broadway.  Met with an upset bunch of Glee kids, Will quickly puts rumors of his departure from the cast McKinley to rest.  Nevertheless, based on the pouty, mopey, I just poopied in my boxer brief look on his face, at the end of the episode . . .

. . . coupled with New Directions upcoming trip to Broadway’s NYC for the Glee Club National Competition, I can’t help but think that, for better or worse, this particular storyline is FAR from over . . .

Brittany gets screwed over by EVERYONE (except the chain-smoking, but still very loveable, Lord Tubbington, of course!)

Now, THAT’S an Attractive Cry Face!

Poor Brittany!  She just couldn’t win this week!  First a TRUE rumor gets published in the school newspaper that she’s been cheating on Artie with Santana.  When Artie confronts her about it, Brittany informs him that SANTANA told HER that having sex with a GIRL does not equal cheating on your BOYfriend.  Artie accuses Santana of manipulating Brittany into engaging in Horizontal Lebanese Dancing with her. 

And when Brittany comes to Santana’s defense, calling her lover a “good person,” Artie REALLY loses it.  “Why are you SO stupid?”  He asks.

Oh, HELL TO THE NO!”

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“You were the only person who never called me that,” exclaims Brittany, before dashing off, right into SANTANA’S ARMS!

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After EFFING UP ROYALLY, Artie tried to insert his foot in his mouth.  Unfortunately . . . well . . . you know . . . he can’t do that .  . . So, instead, he sang a Fleetwood Mac song, while the entire male student body magically appeared behind him to accompany him on their guitars . . .

“Where the heck did all these people come from?”

The song is called “Never Going Back Again,” and it pretty much symbolizes the end of the “Bartie” relationship, as we know it.  The song goes a little something like this . . . (Click the internal link to view.)

Meanwhile, Santana shares HER true feelings with Brittany (who’s breakup with Artie has her feeling like a “Sad Panda”) . . .

Sad Pandas are AWESOME!

 . . .by serenading her with (SURPRISE!) another Fleetwood Mac song.  This one is called “Songbird.”  And it’s lyrics are about as lovey-dovey / mushy gushy as they come . . .

But sexy lesbian serenades are not enough for Brittany.  She wants Santana out of the closet, and she wants her out NOW, dammit!  Of course, Santana is worried that coming out as a lesbian will cause the kids at school to treat her differently. 

So, Brittany offers to come out, HERSELF first, on Fondue for Two, by asking Santana to prom.  Then, Santana can follow suit.  Sounds like a good idea, right? 

WRONG!  Poor Britt gets STOOD UP on webshow night. (She is forced to interview Tubbie Bear on the show, instead.  Maybe she should ask HIM to prom!)  She is then further insulted, upon hearing Santana purposefully starting rumors about her and Karofsky hooking up, sending the Lebanese Dancer even further back into the closet.  “Vote Santofsky for Prom King and Queen,” Santana exclaims, in an interview with McKinley High’s resident Nerd Ball Jacob Ben Israel . . .

Unfortunately, it like our Poor Sad Panda isn’t going to be a Happy Bamboo Chewing One (See, what I did there?) for at least another week . . .

Thank goodness she has such an Attractive Cry Face, or she’d be TOTALLY screwed!

Stakeouts are fun! (But not nearly as fun as Car Sex!)

RACHEL:  “When people go to hotel rooms to have affairs, don’t they usually CLOSE the curtains?  I mean, we can see those people doing it!”

FINN: (distracted) “You know, I’ve never seen that ‘position’ done before.  It looks rather painful.”

RACHEL:  “I think you are right.  Let’s test it out . . . for scientific purposes, I mean.”

Brittana and Bartie-land isn’t the only place where Love Triangle Angst is brewing!  When a blind item in the school paper suggests that Quinn has been seen spending late nights at a Seedy Motel called, conveniently enough, “The American Family Hotel” (haha!) with Sam, Rachel (out of the “goodness of her heart”) offers to accompany Finn on his “stakeout” of the place.  What they find there is THIS . . .

Rachel (who, at the beginning of the episode, asked Sam to prom and was DENIED) is partially relieved, by this recent turn of events.  Now, she can rest assured that Sam is only not interested in her because he is already taken, not because she is unbearably annoying, as was previously thought.  This also gives Rachel the PERFECT opportunity to get into those Finn Hudson Pantalones!  (HOORAY!)

Silly CAMERA angle!  You cut out the best part!

Of course, when Quinn is confronted about this so-called affair, she denies it.  Furthermore, she accuses FINN of cheating on HER with Rachel.  Then again, these three individuals are ALL such chronic cheaters / bed hoppers, you really can’t blame any of them for not trusting one another . . .

Nevertheless, Rachel attempts to prove that SHE is the right woman for the Satisfy Finn Sexually job through . . . you guessed it . . . yet another Fleetwood Mac song . . .

This one is called, “Go Your Own Way” . . .

The plot thickens when, the NEXT NIGHT, Rachel and Finn car f*ck stake out the Seedy Motel again, only to come upon THIS . . .

I smell a Motel Orgy!

So, NOW, of course, Rachel and Finn are convinced that KURT is cheating on Blaine with SAM . . .

“Take my man from me, and I will SWALLOW YOU WHOLE, Trouty Mouth!”

To add further fuel to the fire, Rachel notices that Sam has started  . . . um . . . wearing Kurt’s CLOTHES . . .

 .  . . (but fortunately nothing from his Ugly Hat Collection).

But Quinn insists that Sam is NOT GAY.  So, eventually, Rachel and Finn see no choice but to comfront  Sam directly at Glee practice . . . in front of EVERYBODY.

“They think I’m a TOTAL male whore .  . . AWESOME!”

Sam then proceeds to make Finn and Rachel feel like Absolute and Complete Sh*t, by informing them that, the reason half the cast has been visiting him at the Sleazebag Motel is that he’s been . . . wait for it . . . LIVING THERE!

Say it ain’t so, Trouty Mouth!

As it turns out, Sam’s dad lost his job, which caused Sam’s family to lose their house, which caused Sam to sell ALL HIS CLOTHES, and move in with his ENTIRE family (including two younger siblings) into this fleabag motel. 

As for Quinn and Kurt, they had both learned about this beforehand (Quinn through her Church Group, and Kurt through Sam delivering pizzas at night to Dalton Academy where Kurt and Blaine regularly grabbed midnight snacks, after rousing rounds of Hard Core Sex), and were simply trying to be supportive to their friend, by lending him clothing, and a shoulder to cry on. 

In a rousing finale, the Glee Club bands together to repurchase Sam’s sold guitar back for him.  Together, the group celebrates Sam’s Newfound Poverty with . . . do I even have to say it . . . a FLEETWOOD MAC song.  This one I actually recognized.  It’s called “Don’t Stop” (which should not be confused with that OTHER “Don’t Stop” song the Glee kids sing.  That song’s title, unlike this one, ends with the word, “Believing”)

And that was “Rumours,” in a nutshell.  As you can probably tell from this recap, it wasn’t exactly my favorite episode.  Yet, “Rumours” did feature some incredible acting on the parts of Chord Overstreet (Who knew Trouty Mouth had it in him?), Naya Rivera, and Heather Morris.  And, of course, there was the adorable Lord Tubbington.

I said it once before, but it bears repeating.

Next week’s prom-themed episode, on the other hand, promises to be SUPER exciting, complete with girlfights, romance, weird wardrobe choices, the return of old villains, and, hopefully, NO MORE FLEETWOOD MAC songs!  You can check out the surprisingly intense trailer for the episiode here:

See, ya next time, Gleeks!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Welcome Football Fans! – A Recap of Glee’s “The Sue Sylvester Shuffle”

Question:  What do Football, Fights, Zombies, Cannon Balls, and Flaming Boobs, have in common? 

If you answered that all of these things were included Glee‘s Post-Superbowl Extravaganza episode, to help the show appeal to male sports fans, you are ABSOLUTELY right! 

Interestingly enough, the change in target audience, did not at all seem to hamper the show’s quality.  In fact, dare I say, making Glee more “Boy Friendly,” may have actually improved it. 

I mean, sure, the episode was certainly not perfect.  It lacked cohesion, and certain scenes seemed to appear completely out of nowhere (I’m looking at YOU, “Bills, Bills, Bills”).  Yet, overall, it was a fun-filled hour, one who’s main theme — about football players risking their popularity to perform in Glee club — seemed to be a gentle, but deliberate, nod to the football fans who were watching.  And the message was clear:  “It’s OK, if you’re enjoying this.”

So, what are we waiting for, let’s get recapping!

Your Boobs are on FIRE (and Your Cannon has Fibromyalgia!)

We open on the Cheerios performing an obnoxiously over-produced, Half-Time show-esque, dance number to Katy Perry’s “California Gurls.”  During the number, the girls wore blue hair, as a homage to Katy herself.  They also wore pointed cones on their chests, as a homage to early 90’s Madonna (?).  From the girls’ Boob Cones, shot fiery sparklers (because boys like HOT boobs). 

 Behind the girls, were a few guys doing bike flips off a ramp.  Of course, no one was paying attention to them — no GUYS, anyway — because of the girls and their Flaming Boobs . . .

If Flaming Boobs aren’t exactly your thing, and you weren’t a fan of the opening number, you weren’t alone.  Because Sue Sylvester didn’t like it either, “I’m bored,” she whines into he megaphone, after the song wraps. 

(As if knowing that Sue is talking about them, upon hearing these words, the Flaming Boobs fizzle out, unceremoniously.)

Isn’t Becky a member of the Cheerios?  If so, why wasn’t she in this number?  Does anyone else find this vaguely offensive?

After that, Sue makes a not particularly funny joke that runs on WAY too long.  It involves (1) the benefits of stuffing one’s bra with chicken cutlets;  and (2) having cheerleaders intermittently hit one another in the face with them . . .

Chickens were NOT amused.

Quinn wisely notes that there was nothing necessarily wrong with the dance number.  Rather, Sue herself has simply become completely impossible to please.  And no matter how extravagant the Cheerios numbers become, she will continuously want to top herself.

Sue doesn’t entirely disagree with this statement  But that doesn’t mean she isn’t going to try and “improve” the Cheerios’ performance, in any way she can  And so, while watching a cartoon featuring someone getting shot out of a cannonball, our “favorite” Cheerleading Coach comes up with an idea . . .

She will shoot one of her Cheerios out of a cannon, during the Cheerleading Championships!  Specifically, THIS Cheerio . . .

“I don’t want to die yet . .  . at least not until One Tree Hill gets canceled next year,” Brittany whines, upon learning that she is the “lucky” human cannonball.

Hmmm . . . Brooke Davis didn’t like something I wrote above . . . Maybe it was those two words I crossed out . . .

Fortunately for Brittany, she gets a brief reprieve from certain death.  This is because Sue is willing to use a Brittany-looking doll for the “trial run.”

To Brittany’s horror, her Poor Unfortunate Doll Doppelganger gets blown to itty bitty bits of Blonde.  Seeing this undoubtedly makes Brittany wish she had chosen a show with a brighter future to measure her lifespan by . . . Two and a Half Men  American Idol one of the 500 different versions of Law and Order, perhaps?

When Sue learns that she will need Brittany’s consent in order to make her explode, the “kindly mentor” secures it by giving Brittany a “We miss you,” card, purportedly written by the cannon, in crayon, no less.  Later, Sue tells a still uncertain Brittany a sob story about how the cannon has two growing baby cannons at home, and one on the way.   (Mama Cannon has fibromyalgia, so she can’t work.) 

 Eventually, Brittany agrees to literally sign her life away on Sue’s Consent Form.  Of course, she signs using an “X” because she doesn’t know how to spell her name, apparently.  (Sometimes they go a bit too far with the whole “Brittany is dumb” thing.  Don’t you think?)

Jocks versus Gleeks, Take 252

It’s a tale as old as high school:  popular versus unpopular, jocks versus geeks, football players versus gleeks.  But at McKinley High, it’s way worse.  For one thing, half the Glee club is also on either the football team, or on the cheerleading squad.  This makes the school’s social hierarchy . . . confusing . . . to say the least.

“So we are Gleeks . . . and we are Footballers.  Does this mean we have to Slushee ourselves?”

Additionally, Slushees ruin clothing, which is a HUGE problem for the Cheerios and Football players, none of whom seem to own any other clothing aside from their probably VERY smelly uniforms . . . 

Up until this point, however, the McKinley High Football team has been able to limit their Gleeks versus Jocks rivalry to off the field.  However, when a fight erupts between Finn and Karofsky that spreads through the entire football team, causing them to LOSE their game, Coach Beiste knows that serious measures must be taken. 

And so, she turns to her new Kissing Buddy, Will Schuester, for help.

Will’s grand “Plan” involves Beiste requiring the entire football team to be part of Glee club for an entire week.  The non-Gleeky footballers, not surprisingly, balk at the idea.   Azimio for one, refuses to sing showtunes, because they were written by his “oppressors.”  

Realizing that a bit of persuasion will be needed to get the football players on board, Will invites Rachel and Puck to perform Lady Antebellum’s “Need You Now” for the now doubly large Glee Crew.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me some Puckleberry duets, and seeing Puck strum that guitar, while crooning softly to ANY song, is enough to make my toes curl.  But, honestly, considering the purpose of this duet was to convince a bunch of football players that Glee Club was cool, a slow romantic country ditty seems a particularly odd musical choice.  I mean, why didn’t they pick a song the football players would understand, like . . . say, “We are the Champions,” or “Eye of the Tiger,” or “We Will Rock You,”  or “Mama Said Knock You Out?”

Given the poor choice in song, I wasn’t too surprised when Azimio snarkily remarked that “The girl in the mohawk has a nice voice,” thereby prompting the entire Glee club and football team to erupt into a knock down dragout fight. 

“Oh, NO you didn’t just make fun of my AWESOME Mohawk?”

One GOOD thing that comes out if this brawl, is the reunion of former besties Puck and Finn, who decide to put aside their differences (and by “differences” I mean their tendency to swap Rachel and Quinn with one another, every other week like trading cards) and unite to promote unity amongst the football team and Glee club.  The bromantic buddies cement their partnership with a solid fist bump, of course.  (How very manly of them!)

Sue Sylvester is SCARY, and so are zombies . . .

It’s a good thing Finn and Puck decided to unite.  Because it looks like they are going to need all the help they can get!  When Principal Figgins balks at Sue’s decision to shoot Brittany out of cannon, she suddenly turns into The Hulk, and inexplicably starts throwing furniture around Mr. Figgins office, and later the gym locker room . . .

Will and the rest of the faculty begin to wonder whether Sue has finally gone off the deep end, for good.  But Sue stops throwing things around long enough to calmly explain to them, that she has moved the date of the cheerleading championships to the same day as the football championships.  This means, not only that the football team has no cheerleaders to perform its halftime show . . .

Shocking, I know . . .

 . . . but that Quinn, Santana and Brittany are once again forced to choose between Glee club and the Cheerios.  (Of course, if they attend the football game, according to Sue, they will be off the squad.)

Will comes up with the idea that the FOOTBALL players, who are honorary Glee club members this week, anyway, will perform their own halftime show, along with the rest of the Glee Club.  Coincidentally, this will NOT be the first time, the McKinley High Football players dance during a game.  Remember the whole “Put A Ring On It,” fiasco during Season 1?

Most of the football team would probably prefer that you forgot this.

What songs will the Gleeks / Footballers be performing THIS TIME you ask?  A Mashup between Michael Jackson’s Thriller and Yeah, Yeah, Yeah’s “Heads Will Roll,” of course.

Did I mention that the crew will be going to do the entire performance dressed like Football-Playing Zombies?  (Oh yes, because in addition to being able to dance an entire music number, during the ONLY break they will have during a two-hour game, these footballers, are also, apparently, experts at the application of zombie makeup!)

Interestingly enough, this is how I look sometimes when I first wake up in the morning . . .

As for the Cheerios, sadly, Sue Sylvester bullies them into quitting the Glee Club, so that they can attend the cheerleading competition.

This causes Finn to want to lecture the girls about their Bad Life Choices, like the disappointed DAD he is.  It also prompts Quinn’s not-for-long!  beau Sam to rush to the girls’ defense.  In an attempt to stay relevent to this show Macauley Culkin also challenges Finn for the position of “unofficial” Glee Club leader.  Nice try, freshman! 

Honestly, the whole fight is contrived and ridiculously stupid.  But Quinn of course, who realizes the two men are REALLY fighting over her, finds the whole thing to be incredibly HOT . . .

“Now, if you guys would kindly take off your shirts and pants right now, I’d be SOO much happier!”

Pissing contests for Quinn’s affection aside, the footballers and the Gleeks begin to rehearse their half-time number.  And I’ll be darned if they don’t do a pretty great job at it.  Interestingly enough, it’s Gay Homophobic Bully Karofsky who shows the MOST musical talent of the footballers!  So much talent, in fact, that Will suggests that HE join Glee club, for real!

Karofsky is AWE-SOME!”

To most fans surprise, Karofsky doesn’t actually seem to HATE the idea.  He even suggests that the Glee crew start off with a warm-up number, to ensure that the halftime show itself is absolutely perfect.  For the warm-up, the Glee kids choose the song “She’s Not There,” which was appropriately originally sung by a band called The Zombies.

Things take a bad turn, however, when, after performing this number, the FOOTBALL players get slusheed by . . . get this . . . the HOCKEY PLAYERS, who “cleverly” argue that the football team has just been “turned gay,” because they performed a musical number dressed as the undead.  (Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever heard the word “gay” uttered this many times in a single hour, since I watched that movie on Logo last week.)   Of couse, the “gay” accusation totally freaks out the footballers, particularly the ACTUALLY gay, Karofsky . . .

This unfortunate incident prompts the football players to REFUSE to perform at the Halftime show, even though doing so will mean that they can’t participate in the Championship Game.  (LOSERS!)  Suddenly, the football team is at risk of forfeiting the game, due to not having enough players to compete.  Coach Beiste tries to recruit new players from the rest of the school.  However, no one seems interested in crossing the Homophobe Picket Line.

And We Are Singing About “Bills” Now, Because . . .

And it is when we are our darkest hour at McKinley High, that the producers decide to inexplicably cut to Dalton Academy.   There, in the EXACT SAME LOUNGE where we shoot ALL of our Dalton Academy Scenes, as always, Blaine is singing solo, and the rest of silent Warblers, Kurt included, are dancing around him like the faceless, personality-less minions / disciples they are  . . . 

(Oh, Kurt!  I know you want in this guy’s pants.  But you can’t honestly say that his Diva Theatrics don’t piss you off, just the slightest bit?  Especially after he waxed poetic about how everybody was part of a TEAM at this school.  The Kurt I know would NEVER accept this kind of treatment!  No matter how sexy it’s source!)

So, anyway, in typical Warblers fashion, the group dances uncomfortably around Blaine, as he croons Destiny’s Child’s “Bills, Bills, Bills.”  Not only does the song sound REALLY awkward coming from a bunch of dudes, it also seems completely out of context in this football / zombie-themed episode.  On a positive note, Darren Criss’/ Blaine’s singing is pretty solid, making what would be a pretty annoying song, actually fairly palatable.

But don’t take my word for it.  See for yourself: 

 After their “song practice” Blaine and his loyal puppy dog, Kurt, head out to lunch with new gal pals, Mercedes and Rachel, who, in light of recent events, are MAJORLY depressed about the state of their Glee club, and football team . . .

I was more than a bit worried about Kurt applying for Stepford Hubby status, when he asserted that “We [i.e. Blaine and I] love football.”  However, when he qualified that “Blaine loves football.  I love scarfs”  I felt a bit better.

As it turns out, though, Blaine actually DOES like football! 

“Who knew?”

In fact, Blaine’s vast knowledge of pigskin (no pun intended) actually ends up coming in quite handy, when he informs Rachel of precisely how many football players are needed in order not to forfeit a game.  This gives Rachel an idea.  THE GLEE GIRLS CAN PLAY FOOTBALL!  (Or, rather, they can lie down on the field, while the guys play, so they don’t get disqualified.  How’s THAT for femisist rights!) 

Let’s Hear it for the GIRLS!

Though reluctant at first, the remaining footballers ultimately agree to Rachel’s suggestion . . .

Though the girls initially planned on just LAYING on the field the whole time, a couple of them, actually ended up HELPING the team!  For example, Lauren Zizes, with her WRESTLING background, had sheer force and intimidation on her side, making her a WAY more frightening football player than most of the guys she played alongside . . .

Now THAT is seriously scary!

But it was Tina Cohen Chang who REALLY shocked her teammates, by running nearly half the field, before being very roughly sacked by a member of the opposing team.  Though her beau, Mike, was obviously extremely concerned for her well-being, as she lay on the field unconscious . . .

“Sh*&t!”

 . . . he needn’t have worried.   Because, within just a few moments, Tina was up and mumbling, “Did we win yet?”

Tina was ultimately carried off the field, a True Hero!  (Now that’s some SERIOUS girl power!  I knew you wouldn’t let me down, Glee!)

Tina’s and Lauren’s surprisingly extraordinary footballer skills aside, the team was still losing miserably, just moments before halftime.   And so, temporarily putting Sam in charge of the team, Finn and Puck decide to salvage the rest of the game, by convincing the rest of the football players, as well as cheerleaders Quinn, Santana, and Brittany, to participate in the halftime show.  Finn worked on the cheerleaders, managing to grab them, just moments before they went on the bus toward the competition. 

Speaking quickly, he told the girls mostly stuff they already knew.  Namely, (1) Sue Sylvester doesn’t really care about them, and is typically mean to them;  (2) that she doesn’t care if Brittany DIES; and (3) that the girls are strong enough to withstand the miniscule popularity decrease they might suffer from not being cheerleaders anymore; (4) it’s hightime they wore something other than those stupid uniforms, for a change.  The girls agree because that’s what the plot requires hem to do, and jointly tell Sue that they are quitting the Cheerios. 

 “You are all my stars!  If you leave, I will have no performance,” Sue notes, admitting for the first time just how important these girls are to her success.

“Sucks for you,” snaps back Quinn, as the trio follows Finn back toward the football field.

Predictability aside, it was great scene.  And, I’m not going to lie.  Watching it, made me do something like THIS . . .

Karofsky For the WIN!  (well . . . almost)

As for Puck, he had NEARLY as much luck with the football players, ultimately getting all of them, except for Karofsky, to suit up and participate in the halftime show, which TOTALLY rocked, by the way . . .

The performance was SO rousing in fact, that Karofsky eventually sucked up his pride, and joined in mid-song.  He didn’t have any zombie makeup on of course, but it was still pretty awesome.

You can LISTEN to the song here:

After Beiste gives the rest of the football team the OK to compete, they go on to WIN THE GAME . . .

 .  . . but only because the team’s SCARY zombie makeup, and creepy repetitive chanting of “BRRAAAAAIIIINS,” freaks the crap out of the opposing team.  Nothing like playing FAIR, right?

Of course, my favorite part of all of it, had to be when one of the kids on the other team started screaming, “He bit me!  That zombie kid bit me!”  (Now THAT was hilarious!)

Lest you think Karofsky’s about to run out and join the Glee team, after that one rousing performance . . . think again!

“Why would I want to change?  I’m on top now,” asserts Karofsky, when Finn gives him his formal Gleek invitation (provided he head over to Dalton and personally apologize to Kurt, first, of course). 

Note: A  lot of fans were annoyed by this.  But I personally thought it was the right move, on the part of the writers.  For Karofsky to morph from Evil Homophobic Bully to Proud Glee Club star, in a single episode, would be completely unrealistic, in my opinion.  Not to mention, I doubt the rest of the Glee Club would accept him into their circle so easily, after what he did to Kurt — nor SHOULD THEY! 

The mere thought of it makes me weepy . . .

That being said, I do think the Karofsky character is on the path toward redemption.  And I’m very eager to see where his arc goes.  Right now, Karofsky is probably one of the most complex characters on this show.

Finn may not have had that much luck with Karofsky, but he did WAY better with Quinn, who, despite dating Macauley Culkin’s twin Sam for the past few episodes, spent the entire hour eye f*&king Finn.  She then concluded the episod,  by planting a fat wet one on his lips, right in the center of the school hallway . . .

Whatever Finn’s feelings for the recently dumped Rachel might be, you could tell that our resident Alpha Male was TRULY effected by Quinn’s kiss.  Note how the Smitten Boy kept his eyes closed for a full three seconds after she tongued him, as if not wanting his Wet Dream to end!  Now, whatever your couple loyalties are on this show, you have to admit, it was kind of adorable . . .

And given that this coming Tuesday is the show’s Valentine’s Day episode, we can be sure that this won’t be the last we will hear about that game-changing kiss.

Awww, don’t feel left out, Puck!  I’ll totally make out with YOU!

And that was Glee’s Super Bowl Spectacular.  Did you watch?  If so, what did you think?  Did you find the placement of “Bills, Bills, Bills” as awkward an unnecessary as I did?  Are you a fan of this sort-of new and improved Karofsky?  Are you on Team Fuinn?  Feel free to sound off in the comment section, below!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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