“Just so you know, Chuck Bass, you can sniff MY pie, any time you like . . .”
Flirting with cute boys and pie-sniffing aside, this was a tough week for our favorite Upper East West Side Princesses.
Both were battling some particularly EVIL Super Villains.
These two “villains” each separately plotted (Although wouldn’t it be AWESOME if they worked together?) to do something ABSOLUTELY UNIMAGINABLE to our fair heroines! And what did these dastardly devils try to do, you ask? DENY BLAIR AND SERENA THE RIGHT TO AN IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION!
“Oh the HUMANITY!”
Did the EVIL Super Villains succeed? Were Blair and Serena cast out of Columbia, and forced to endure the ignominy of attending (gasp) a State School? Read on to find out . . . IF YOU DARE!
OMG! Creepy Stalkers are SO ADORABLE . . .
. . . assuming they look like THIS, of course.
When the episode opens, Gossip Girl informs us that Serena is turning over a new leaf, and trying to become a “newer and better version of herself.” When we first see Serena, we know instantly that she MUST, in fact, be “newer and better.” After all, clearly, this is a girl who doesn’t get bogged down in the superficial details of life. I mean, why else would she stop brushing her hair?
It’s like the “Before” picture in a Pantene Commercial . . .
Anyway, this “newer and better” Serena is rushing off to class, and hails a cab, only to find that (for, what we learn, is not the first time), some unnamed attractive dude . . .
Just in case you forgot what he looked like . . .
. . . has stolen said cab, and inserted some random hobag inside it. (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)
So, of course, Serena does what any sensible girl who is about to be late to class would do in such a situation, she hops on the nearest bus or subway pouts, whines, and stamps her foot like a toddler with poopy pants.
“When I do this at home, my Mom buys me necklaces from Tiffany’s. Maybe this guy will do the same. He certainly looks like he can afford it.”
Seeing that Serena is angry, Unnamed Attractive Guy, ignoring the hobag already in the taxi, holds the cab door open, and continues to talk with Serena. This lapse in time, gives our heroine ample opportunity to jump in the cab, and make it to class on time. Instead, she stays and chats because . . .
. . . (Do I really need to explain it to you?)
As it turns out, Unnamed Attractive Guy has been spying on Serena, and stealing her cabs ON PURPOSE as an excuse to get slammed in the face with a taxi door flirt with her.
Now, if you girls are anything like me, you all oohed and aahhed, and sighed at this scene, thinking it was “oh so sweet” and “oh so adorable” for Unnamed Attractive Guy to try to court Serena in this “creative” way. However, let me ask you something. Would you feel the same way about Unnamed Attractive Guy’s actions, if he looked like THIS?
. . . or, how about THIS?
NO! You’d think he was a scary stalker, and would probably wake up about two hours earlier every day, just so as not to run into him again!
But, as we know, Unnamed Attractive Guy did not look like THIS . . .
. . . or THIS . . .
. . . He looked like THIS . . .
. . . and so, therefore, we all REALLY REALLY hope that these two get to do the horizontal mambo together, VERY soon!
The Gift that Keeps on Giving . . .
“I am a genie in a bottle, Baby. But be careful when you rub me that way.”
One thing that must be said about Serena, she is a generous lover. And by generous, I mean she shares her love with EVERYBODY! So, of course, when Gossip Girl put out a blast that Serena had an STD, there were, understandably, a number of people on Columbia’s campus who were “concerned” by the news.
Like, for example, them . . .
. . . and him . . .
. . . and them . . .
Coincidentally, if YOU happen to be in this picture, rest assured, the arrow that seems to be directly above your head is actually pointing at SOMEONE ELSE (Please don’t sue me!)
Unfortunately, Gossip Girl doesn’t specify which STD Serena has. So, for the sake of illustration, let’s just assume, for argument’s sake, that she has one of these two . . .
Of course, us wily GG fans already know this blast is TOTALLY true false. Someone evil is behind all this, and her name rhymes with “Muliet.”
Earlier in the episode, we watched Juliet have a conjugal visit meet in prison with the guy who is supposed to be her “Brother Ben.” However, he totally acts like the Creepy Jealous Boyfriend / Homicidal Maniac in every Lifetime movie I have ever seen. (Then again, maybe THAT’S how he got into prison!)
Possible jailhouse footage of Juliet and Brother Ben, courtesy of Gossip Girl
During his and Juliet’s post-sex pillow talk meeting, Brother Ben stresses his impatience with Juliet, regarding her inability to isolate Serena from her friends, and get her expelled from Columbia — thereby “taking EVERYTHING away from her,” like she somehow did to Brother Ben. (Yes . . . because I’m sure the Academic Scholar Serena, who didn’t even want to GO to college until about two episodes ago, would be absolutely suicidal, over getting kicked out of the school where she spent two days, during which she cut or was late to every class).
“What exactly is she implying? I love school, because I am smart. S-M-R-T.”
To protect Juliet’s “cover,” Brother Ben wants her to set up Nate as the Fall Guy for the plot to destroy Serena. Juliet is conflicted. Secretly, she hopes she will have time to SCREW Nate, before she has to SCREW HIM OVER.
Juliet’s Creepy Psycho Stalker Board a.k.a. “Research”
Later that day, Juliet convinces Nate to get tested for STDs, by withholding sex from him until he does.
Once she is certain Nate will, in fact, go through with getting tested, Juliet fans the flames, by telling Serena that NATE was freaked out by the Gossip Girl blast.
OH NO SHE DIDN’T!
Needless to say, when Serena sees Nate outside the Student Health Center, she is PISSED!
Gee Nate, you’ve been looking kind of pale lately. I really hope you aren’t . . . um . . . coming DOWN with something . . .
Of course, the first thing Serena does is subtly insult Nate’s “chastity” by commending him for getting tested, given the high number of sexual partners he has “experienced” recently.
Talk about the pot calling the kettle a SLUT!
Serena then selfishly asks that Nate wait a few days before getting tested, so that SHE won’t “look bad” in front of the whole school.
Ummm . . . honey, maybe you should have thought of that before coming on campus, without having brushed your hair first.
“There is someone else I need to get tested for,” insists Nate. “SHE is my priority. NOT YOU!
Accompanying Nate to the clinic, is his secret gay lover “new best friend” Dan Humphrey.
Unlike Nate, DAN DOESN’T need to get tested for an STD, because all HE and Serena did on that fateful night during the Season Finale was spoon . . .
To spoon or to fork? That is the question.
. . . at least, that was what Dan told his boring ass girlfriend Vanessa, when the first blast initially came out. So, of course, you can imagine how freaked out the V-ster was, when she received a SECOND blast from Gossip Girl, noting Dan’s presence outside the Student Health Center.
“I was so upset I nearly peed in my hemp underwear (which were handcrafted by women of the Sioux Indian tribe, for your information).”
Vanessa, now completely convinced Dan has been lying to her about what happened that fateful night, publicly calls out Serena for being a Major Slutbag.
*sings* “Tell me, tell me, tell me, something I don’t know, something I don’t know.”
(Note: Vanessa’s public anger at Serena will end up being important later. So, don’t ignore the scene, just because it contains a character that you happen to find boring . . . like I usually do.)
Back in Crazy Psycho Stalker Land . . .
. . . Juliet begins to plant the seed in Nate’s head that he should steal Serena’s phone, in order to find out, once and for all, whether she has an STD. (After all, STD test results take FOUR DAYS! And when have you ever heard of ANYONE on this show going FOUR DAYS without sex . . . unless they were in a coma at the time?) However, Nate doesn’t take the bait, because he is too stupid honorable.
Don’t worry, Nate. There is no need to understand! You’re WAY TOO pretty to have to worry about dull and unimportant things like “logical reasoning”. . .
Fortunately for Juliet, Vanessa is not NEARLY as pretty as Nate, so she has actually HAD to learn logical reasoning skills, while growing up. When Vanessa approaches Juliet to bitch to her about Dan, Juliet instructs Vanessa to meet her at the Big Fake Party Designed to Put All the Characters in the Same Place Hamilton House. There, she gets Vanessa to steal Serena’s phone to see if Dan wrote anything to Serena about their f*cking.
Lo and behold, there is a message on the phone from Dan that basically says, “Golly gee, isn’t it nice how we haven’t f*cked lately.” (HOW CONVENIENT!)
Vanessa is OVERJOYED!
“I’m so happy I could dance nude in the light of the full moon, and praise Mother Nature!”
While a Happy Vanessa rushes off to do the horizontal mambo with a Non-Infected, Dan, Juliet uses Serena’s phone to send a message to one of Serena’s professors (the one who’s class she’s always missing, because she can never catch a cab). The message basically asks the professor, for a bump in grades in exchange for some STD-filled sex with Serena.
The professor tells the Dean about the e-mail. And she instantly wants to expel Serena. Of course, it isn’t until that very moment, that Boobs for Brains FINALLY realizes her PHONE IS GONE!
Vanessa, being the moron that she is, publicly admits to taking the phone from Serena, out of guilt, even though it should be SO OBVIOUS to anyone with a pulse, who sent that message. Then, Juliet jumps in, and blames the message’s submission on VANESSA!
(NOW, do you see why that boring Serena / Vanessa “fight” was important?)
So, to summarize, Serena now thinks JULIET is a hero (who saved her from expulsion), and EVERYBODY HATES VANESSA.
(Coincidentally, when you think about it, the two statements above pretty much summarize exactly how most GG fans feel).
At the end of the episode, a number of things happen in rapid succession, with respect to this storyline.
1) Dan and Vanessa come to realize that a relationship without trust is just like every other relationship on this show not worth having, and eventually break up.
Maybe now, these two can go back to hanging out at their own school, NYU, (which, for the record, is ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF MANHATTAN, GG writers!), where they belong . . .
2) Serena has a drink with Unnamed Attractive Guy, who turns out to be someone who is slutty, but “smart and deep” . . . just like Serena pretends to be!
I swear, that just never gets old . . .
3) And, finally, after promising “Brother Ben” that she is “not falling for Nate,” Juliet shows up in Nate’s bedroom in sexy lingerie, and the pair have the HOTTEST SEX SCENE EVER! Don’t believe me? See for yourself . . .
Yeah . . . I totally watched that video like six times. I’m not gonna lie.
Speaking of HOT COUPLES . . .
Scheming . . . as American as Apple Pie
This week, Blair tried to take the high road, and avoid HOT HATE SEX WAR with Chuck, by immersing herself in something he had absolutely no experience with, education.
“Books are for pussies. My servants read FOR me.”
In typical Type-A personality fashion, Blair doubles her class load to avoid Chuck. The class she wants to enroll in most is a Business Marketing class run by Professor Chamberlain. So, Blair and her minions (who, by the way, look suspiciously similar to the minions she had last year at NYU) head off to wait online to enroll in the class (Huh? No ONLINE enrollment? What is this, 1990?).
And yet, who should she see at the front of the line, but THIS GUY . . .
Like Juliet had decided earlier regarding Serena, Chuck has determined that the best way to get revenge against Blair for stealing away his Harry Potter Character He’d Most Like to Screw . . . Aside from Hermione lover . . .
. . . would be to get her expelled from Columbia. The only difference here is that, unlike Serena, Blair actually LIKES learning, so there is a bit more at stake, in this instance.
As it turns out, Chuck despite being completely illiterate has decided to audit a few classes at Columbia. Oh yeah, and he’s also Professor Chamberlain’s assistant.
This was precisely the position Blair wanted. In fact, she wanted it so bad, she even resorted to having Dorota make making baked goods in order to get it. “I almost forgot how much I used to enjoy your pie,” says Chuck seductively, as he moves just inches away from his “former” lover’s face.
In a scene whose hotness, though admittedly more subtle, rivaled that of Nate’s sex with Juliet, Chuck places his nose directly in line with Blair’s cleavage, and amorously inhales “her baked goods.” Blair, though trying to look annoyed, is obviously more than a bit aroused by the act. This is evidenced by the way her eyes close in ecstasy, and her mouth parts, for just a split second, before her face returns to its characteristic sneer.
Blair then tries to steal the assistant position from Chuck, by offering to set the Professor in question on a date, which, honesty seemed pretty ridiculous to me. And yet, the lame-brained idea actually worked . . . that is, until Chuck pulled a little bait-and-switch on the dates. This resulted in Blair setting the Professor up with ANOTHER WOMAN, even though she WAS STRAIGHT!
Shortly thereafter, at Hamilton House, Chuck and Blair duke it out, in one of their classic, “it is SO COMPLETELY OBVIOUS we are TOTALLY hot for eachother” fights. During it, each detailed, the various ways they planned to blackmail Professor Chamberlain for the assistant position, if the other of them ended up getting it. Professor Chamberlain overhears this and . . . quits?
Yeah, I didn’t get it either. I really just wanted to see those two crazy kids sniff eachother again . . .
At the end of the verbal f*ck fight, Chuck reiterates for the umpteenth time how much he wants to take everything away from Blair, just like she took a very boring thing everything away from him. Blair then reiterates that she hates Chuck for screwing Racoon Zombie.
But this time, Chuck takes the argument one step further, by threatening to go public with his DEVIRGINATION of Little J, thereby ruining Chuck’s, Blair’s, and Jenny’s (not that she ever had one) stellar reputation, in the process.
Just in case you thought he was bluffing, in the last scene of the episode we see Chuck making a phone call that somehow involves the following three things: Parson’s University, Jenny Humphrey, and . . . TIM GUNN?
In the words of the Man of Fashion, himself, “This concerns me.”
That’s all I’ve got folks. Tune in next week, when the Racoon Zombie returns . . . with redemption on her mind and an EVEN WORSE WEAVE on her head . . .