Last Weekend at JerBear’s (Part 2): A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Stand by Me”

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Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.  These are the five stages of grief.  And they were all on display, during this Very Special Episode of The Vampire Diaries . . . each with their own supernatural twists, of course.

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So, break out your hankies, Fangbangers!  Because this one is going to be a tearjerker . . .

(Oh, and please don’t forget to checkout my informal tribute to Jeremy Gilbert in Part 1 of this recap!  JerBear needs your support today!)

[As always, special thanks to Andre for all the kickass screencaps you see here.  He claims he’s going to not read this recap in protest of it’s inevitably schmaltzy content.  But we don’t actually believe him, do we? :)]

Denial

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“There’s absolutely no way that my brother is dead.  I am NOT in denial.”

It’s Elena who first discovers Jeremy’s limp and lifeless body, covered in his own blood.

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Poor guy!  Dumped unceremoniously on the floor, while Katherine escaped to lord knows where . . .

 . . . and “Silas” sauntered off to literally “put on his new face.”

A body like that deserves better . . . Ugly, decrepit, thousand plus year old Silas got his own entire tomb.  Sexy Jer Bear should have at least gotten a small mausoleum, complete with a life-sized marble statute etched in his likeness . . . kind of like Michaelangelo’s David . . . except maybe not as tall . . .

She carries him all the way home from Nova Scotia swaddled in a blanket, like a baby.

“That’s not a casserole!”

Trust me, if Jeremy was alive to see that, he would have hated it.  But Elena can’t help but baby Jeremy.  He’ll always be her little brother, no matter how old or supernaturally buff he gets.  Besides, he’s not really dead .  . . just taking a supernatural ring-induced nap . . . right?  RIGHT?

Damon stays back in Nova Scotia to find the still-missing Bonnie, and break the bad news  about the cure to Rebekah.  This leaves Stefan and Caroline to deal with Elena, and pass one another “She’s cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs,” looks, as Elena straddles the dead guy in his bed, and cups his ringed hand in her own, like she’s about to propose marriage.  Jeremy would have hated that too!

Morbid as these scenes were, I have to laugh when Stefan tries to prevent Elena’s vampire ears from hearing him talk about her to Caroline by . . . TURNING ON THE SINK.  Is this guy for real?  This is even more ridiculous than his TURNING ON THE MOTORCYCLE last week to prevent Klaus from overhearing him.

I am proud of Elena for putting those two in their places.

She isn’t going nuts.

She has good reason to believe Jeremy is still alive . . . sort of.  After all, this isn’t exactly the first time Jeremy Gilbert has laid lifeless on his bed . . . In fact, it’s probably the fourth or fifth.

And besides, JerBear lost his manly tattoos in the caves!  That should make him human again, right?  And humans wear rings of immortality that actually work, in this world . . . even if wearing them eventually turns their minds to mush.  (Sorry Alaric.)

Elsewhere, in Denial Town, Caroline is hoping that a nice casserole will make everything better.  Stefan is finally coming to grips with the fact that his ex-girlfriend might just wind up remaining a vampire bonded to Damon for all eternity.  As for Damon, he’s in the forest, trying to convince himself he stayed behind just to find Bonnie . . . not not because he dreads having to face an utterly bereft Elena, and fears that he won’t be able to take away her pain.

But then poor Jer’s body starts getting grey and stinky.  And for a girl with a vampire nose to avoid that, her denial has to not only exist, but be pretty darn deep.  Is there a doctor in the house?

Anger

“NO!  It’s NOT science.  Where was science when you used vampire blood to save my life?”

Someone calls Doctor Meredith, who has to perform double duty as a coroner / undertaker, when she tries to convince Elena to “release the body to her.”  (Shouldn’t she be wearing gloves, a lab coat . . . a surgical mask . . . something?  Talk about unsanitary.)

Meri-DEATH drops a medical text book babble-filled truth bomb on Elena.

“Blah, blah, blah, bloodloss, bloating, blah, blah, blah . . . lividity . . . YOUR BROTHER IS A CORPSE!  GET THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL!”

“NEVERRRRRR! DIE, PUNY HUMAN!”

And honestly, I can’t blame the newbie vamp for going full on Mean Girls rage fest on her ass. . .

After all, when has TVD given two licks about SCIENCE?  Never!

“I like science!”

NOBODY CARES, SHANE!

This is a world where Mythological “Rules” are made to be broken, and science just plain doesn’t exist .  . . (which likely explains why the students at Mystic Falls High only seem to attend classes in history and gym).  Meredith, herself, probably had to get shipped off to Nova Scotia just to attend Med School.

Stefan immediately leaps into Hero Mode, in order to prevent Elena from murdering his wife The Only Doctor / Coroner / Undertaker / Supernatural Shrink in Mystic Falls.  But he need not worry.  All it takes is for Matt Donovan to pop by with his Cry Face, and Elena melts into a warm puddle of goo . . . as do we all . . .

Maybe this Matt Kid has superpowers, after all!

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Elsewhere in Anger Town, “Shane” breaks the news to Bonnie that JerBear has taken off his shirt for her for the very last time.  Girlfriend is so pissed that her hookup prospects have just been limited to . . . that guy who’s sort of/ kind of her brother, that she starts to burn down the ENTIRE FOREST WITH HER MIND!  Smokey the Bear would definitely not approve . . .

At this point, part of me was REALLY hoping that Bonnie would turn into the Lost smoke Monster and eat “Shane” ass . .  .

But alas, it was not to be . . .

Also angry?  Perpetually Cockblocked Damon!  Damn that Stupid Bond for making him feel perpetually guilty about getting laid by the woman he’s loved for our seasons!  He’d like to KILL that sire bond, if he could.  But he can’t.  So, instead, he uses Rebekah as a human shield to block the arrow heading for his heart.  He then beats that Vampire Hunter Vaughn Guy, within in an inch of his life.

By the way, I’m still trying to figure out what that guy’s purpose on the show is exactly.  Has JerBear’s death and Tyler’s “disappearance” left an opening for Window Dressing on the TVD Casting Roster?  If so, why is Vaughn always wearing so much clothes?

Bargaining

“I’ll do whatever it takes.”

Bonnie . . . Bonnie . . . Bonnie.  Everybody needs Bonnie.  She’s been the magical answer to seemingly every supernatural kerfuffle into which the gang has got itself embroiled in the past.  Why not this one too?

The problem, of course, is that Bonnie doesn’t want to be found.  She wants to curl up into a ball and die, thank you very much.  So, “Shane” has to take drastic measures.  He has to get his eyes all wide and buggy, and mesmerize Bonnie into believing she could bring JerBear and his hot bod back to life.

When that doesn’t work, he literally brings back the dead .  . . albeit temporarily.  Suddenly, JerBear is on the floor asking Bonnie for help.  Nevermind that he is actually back in Mystic Falls stinking up the Gilbert house . . .

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Bonnie doesn’t question it.  She’s still enamored with the memories of her hand running across that delicate firmly muscled skin.  She’ll do whatever it takes to get that body back.  Fortunately, “Shane” has the solution.  Bringing JerBear back to the world of the living?  It’s easy.  All you have to do is murder twelve innocent humans.  No biggie!

Just when Damon is about to return home Bonnie-less, the intrepid witch literally runs right into his arms.  Bonnie and Damon hugging?  Without trying to strangle one another, in the process?  Clearly, the apocalypse is upon us!

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Speaking of the apocalypse, since when did “Silas” become Keyser Soze from The Usual Suspects?  From the character’s mythological “too bad to be true” beginnings, to his masquerading as that doofus nerd, Professor Dumpy Dork  . . . They even had the temporarily incapacitated Vaughn borrow a line straight from that iconic film, when he was warning Rebekah about the big bad’s inevitable escape.  “How do you run from the Devil, if you don’t even know what he looks like?”

Yeah, I don’t know about you.  But I wasn’t all that shocked when the soon-to-be-dead Shane revealed that Silas had somehow assumed his form, in order to wreak havoc on Mystic Falls.

“Anybody have a toothbrush I could borrow?”

I was only surprised he didn’t do it sooner.  That said, I have to say that”Shane” is much sexier as Evil Silas, than he ever was as that annoying, boring mythology spewing, Professor Dumpy Dork.  So, there might be hope for this character yet . . .

“You like me?  You really like me?”

Meanwhile back home, Matt brings Elena to school, to show her that it’s OK to still have hope for her brother’s survival.   And why not? School is a pretty hopeful place for the Scooby Gang.

“So this is what our high school looks like.  I forgot!”

Think about it.  They haven’t been there for months, and yet no one has ever been expelled!

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It kind of makes me wonder what the writers are going to do with the inevitable “college” transition for this group.  I mean, these guys are seniors, right?   Have they even applied to colleges at this point?  Have they taken their SATs?  I guess the crew is counting on compelling the admissions officers of the colleges of their choice.  Otherwise, I sincerely hope that Mystic Falls has its own community college . . .

Tyler: “I’m a Phoenix!”

Caroline:  “No you aren’t, Loser.  You’re a hybrid.”

Tyler: “No, I mean the online colle . . . never mind.”

Anywhoo, Damon brings Bonnie back home, and she explains Silas’ Wackadoo Plan.  Crazy TVD Mythology Alert!

So, here’s the deal . . . Bonnie’s Desperate Loony Ancestor apparently somehow created this separate purgatory for all dead supernatural beings, all so that, when immortal Silas took The Cure and died, his Vampire/Witch self would be separated from his human beloved forever.  But if Bonnie murders 12 humans, that Other Side will somehow cease to exist.  This means that all currently dead Supernaturals come back to life, and all soon-to-be dead supernaturals, like Silas, can go to Heaven (or Hell) just like their human counterparts.

Sounds great, right?  Except for the fact that some of these supernaturals are SERIOUSLY BAD DUDES .  . . folks like the Hidey Hole Vamps, Esther, Mikael, Kol, and those hot Vampire Hunters from the Original Five to name a few . . .  folks that the Scooby Gang REALLY doesn’t want to see come back to life.  Let’s not forget the fact that doing this involves KILLING MORE PEOPLE.

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Aside from that, I’m pretty sure Silas/ Shane is full of sh*t.   I don’t think he has any plans for bringing these people back as anything but evil zombies, primed to do his bidding . . . but that’s just me . . .

Except, maybe it’s not just me.  Because while Bonnie is spitting her Silas-imbibed Crazy Juice all over the Gilbert Kitchen table, Elena is getting this look on her face.  It’s a look of understanding . . . of realization . . . of knowledge . . . of  . . .

Depression

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“There is nothing here for me anymore, Stefan.  Every inch of this house is filled with my love for people who have died.”

April calls looking for Jeremy, and Elena admits that he can’t come to the phone. . .  because he’s dead.  She admits it to April, at the same time that she admits it to herself.  There is no more denial.   No more anger.  No more bargaining.  All that is left is the stench of death, rising from Jeremy’s bed . . . and depression.

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As the rest of the Scooby Gang looks on in horror, Elena impulsively drowns the house in kerosene.  She tosses Jeremy’s sketches, and his X-box on the floor, along with the dearly departed Alaric’s bourbon.  She gives Damon Jeremy’s immortality ring (a foreshadowing to Damon’s eventual inadvertent transformation back into a human?).

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She’s crying and babbling like a woman who has officially lost all of her family.

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She’s scaring Caroline, who has made a vampire career in Keeping up Appearances . . . who hasn’t been able to reach Tyler to tell him what is going on, and who is being eaten up inside by grief, guilt, and concern for her friend.

Outside in his car, Matt has just dropped Wackadoo Bonnie at home, and has finally allowed himself to experience the loss he has been holding at bay for Elena’s benefit.  His wrenching release of emotion is arguably more heartbreaking than anything we’ve experienced throughout this entire emotional episode . . .

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Back in the Gilbert’s house, Elena is inconsolable.  She’s screaming and crying.  She’s in pain.  Suddenly, it’s as if all the familial losses of the past three seasons, that she’s kept at bay, in order to soldier on, have suddenly revisited themselves upon her, with a vengeance.

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It’s one of the curses of being immortal.  You are doomed to watch the people you love die, over and over again.  And you can never join them.  It’s something Stefan and Damon have inevitably had to cope with in their long lives.

But Elena is not 165.  She is only 18.  And she has already lost more loved ones than she can count on her fingertips.  She’s not sure she’ll be able to survive this . . . and, quite, honestly, neither are her friends.

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Damon and Stefan both love Elena, in their own ways.  And it literally kills them to see her in this much pain.

Stefan tells Damon to do what he has to do to help Elena, even if it involves invoking the dreaded sire bond.

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I’ve actually given this a lot of thought.  I’ve tried to determine whether Damon had any other options available to him, to help Elena, aside from doing what he ultimately did.  Had he done nothing, but comforted her, and allowed her to cry on his shoulder, would she have eventually soldiered on?  Or would she have become so bereft that she ultimately took her own life, by meeting the sun?

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In terms of evoking the sire bond, was there some other command Damon could have given, aside from the one he ultimately gave to ease her pain?  My first thought was that he could have told her to simply substitute her sadness for feelings of hope and comfort.  But I suspect that would not have worked.  After all, though rooted in  love, the sire bond actually only effects actions, and cannot be used to CHANGE emotions, in and of, itself.

A more practicable solution would have been for Damon to tell Elena to FORGET . . . FORGET that Jeremy had died. . .  FORGET all the loss she experienced.  Heck, he could even tell her to believe that Jeremy had stayed in Denver. And she would have believed it, if she thought that believing that would have made him happy.

But would that have been a better solution, or an even more inhumane one?

So, Damon did what I believe he truly felt was his only option.  He told Elena to turn off her humanity, and her emotions, even if it meant that her love for him would cease to exist.  He did it to spare her pain . . . possibly to save her life.  He did it to give her the gift of . . .

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Acceptance?

“I’m not enough for her.  Not this time.”

Outside, for their very last Porch Scene, Damon and Stefan come to, if not necessarily a truce, at least an understanding of one another.  Damon explains to Stefan why what he did for Elena was the only possible solution in his eyes.

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Damon assumes he will eventually be able to use the sire bond to bring back Elena’s humanity, when the time is right.  But, honestly, I’m not so sure.  If the sire bond is seeped in Elena’s preexisting love for Damon, what happens when she no longer feels that love.  Will he still have the same hold on her?  That remains to be seen.

Anywhoo, the loss of Jeremy, in a weird way, brings these two brothers together, who, despite their differences, are grateful to still have one another, even after all these years . . .

Inside, Elena gives her brother one last look, before coldly lighting the match that will ultimately incinerate her childhood home.  In telling Elena to reconsider her decision, Stefan is appealing to a humanity that Elena no longer has.  She answers dispassionately.

What a waste of good artwork!

A home fire is the best excuse for Jeremy’s untimely demise.  So what if April Young, who was told Jeremy was dead hours ago, asks questions?  She could always be terminated . . .

In the final moments of the episode, Damon, Stefan and Elena leave the Gilbert House in a Slo Mo sequence that manages to be both Bad Ass and Utterly Depressing at the same time . . .

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It’s kind of like watching the opening scene to Reservoir Dogs over again  . . . after you’ve seen it before, and know that pretty much everyone is going to die . . .

Back inside the Gilbert household, Jeremy burns to a crisp, along with his drawings, his sneakers, his X-Box, and let’s not forget Elena’s diary.  Don’t fret, JerBear.  Other Side or No Other Side, you can rest assured you are going to get laid like a champ in the Great Beyond . . . Dead or alive that body of yours is just too good to resist!

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I’m burning up for your love, JerBear!

Next week on TVD, Evil Elena eats some cheerleaders, joins a nudist colony, and engages in a foursome with Stefan, Damon, and Caroline.  In other words, “Bring it On” is going to be the best fanfiction ever written!

See you in a few weeks, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

“Dead” Men Don’t Dance (Unless They Are Damon!) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Last Dance”

ELENA:  “Psst . . . Bonnie . . . so I have this plan that’s going to make Delena fans and Bamon fans totally want to kill one another.  It’s going to be SO COOL!  Are you interested?”

BONNIE:  “That depends . . . does it involve me having blood gushing out of my nose, and making constipated facial expressions, while I shoot bolts of light out of my fingertips?  Because I really hate that . . .”

ELENA:  “Umm . . . welllllll .  . . yeah . . . But you also get to butt hump Damon on the dance floor, for a little while!”

BONNIE:  “I’m IN!”

“Make Love . . . Not War.”  That’s a saying you always hear people say, when they talk about the 60’s . . .  and about the hippies, who made that era an extremely “groovy” (not to mention, REALLY SLUTTY) time to be alive.  So, it’s fitting that this episode of TVD, which centers around a 60’s dance, was chock full of both love AND war.  But you don’t really care about that, do you?  You just want to watch Damon wiggling his butt in tight leather pants! 

Shame on YOU!  I was trying to teach you a HISTORY LESSON!  Now, I know how Alaric feels (the REAL one)!

Yes, there was definitely something for EVERYONE in “The Last Dance.”  For example, no matter what SHIP you are on, your favorite couple probably AT LEAST danced together tonight.  (Except for Forwood!  Sorry Forwood fans!)  Your favorite character probably had at least one BAD ASS moment to shine on screen!  And the character you HATE the most, probably had at least one scene, where he or she was either flatly rejected, or (SURPRISE!) thrown up against a wall! 

Have you ever wondered who Steven R. McQueen pissed off in the TVD writer’s room, to ensure that (1) all Jeremy’s girlfriends get whacked; and (2) he gets his ass pummeled each week, by everyone from invisible witch girls, to middle aged men in Coke bottle glasses, to skinny 14-year old boys?

Though not quite as “plot heavy” as last week’s installment, “The Last Dance” was still an action-packed hour, complete with twists, turns, fights, cliffhangers, deaths, rebirths, and enough AWESOME Delena eye-f*&king to impregnate an entire COUNTRY of TVD fans, just from watching the show! romance to fuel fanfiction writers for the next YEAR AND A HALF, AT LEAST!

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Oh, the wonderous possibilities . . .

So, only one question remains, Fang Bangers, “May I have this dance?”

Playing House with AlarKlaus

You know what I really hate?  When evil old vampires possess my History teacher, and he compels me to stab myself repeatedly in the knee!  That just really sucks!  (It also makes wearing short skirts very difficult.)

Well, that’s ONE way to get rid of cellulite!

When the episode begins, we check in on AlarKlaus, who, apparently, has moved into Alaric’s house (which I guess makes sense . . . I just thought someone of Klaus’ stature would choose more fancy digs, than what one can purchase on a high school teacher’s salary).  Bunking with AlarKlaus is the kidnapped Katherine, and Klaus’ gay lover Sumo Warlock.  It sure sounds like a party to me!

After railing on Alaric’s admittedly boring as all heck “Safari Sam” wardrobe . . .

Chunky Monkey, notwithstanding . . .

. . . AlarKlaus (who’s new voice and accent makes him sound much less like Yoda than he did last week  . . . which is refreshing) starts trying to glean information about the Scooby Gang from a very grumpy-looking Katherine.  Unfortunately, Katherine’s been kind on the outs with the Scooby Gang, ever since THIS happened . . .

and THIS . . .

 . . . and let’s not forget THIS . . .

So, she doesn’t have very much information to GIVE!

In fact, the Katherine we see this week is a VERY different vamp, from the confident, in charge, villainess we saw in “Plan B,” who single-handedly maneuvered a Useless Aunt Jenna Suicide Attempt AND a Stelena Breakup, AND a Tyler werewolf curse activation, all without even breaking a sweat!

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The Katherine of “The Last Dance” is someone who has very much been beaten at her own game — rejected by BOTH Salvatores, betrayed by her best (only?) friend, and kidnapped by AlarKlaus.  It’s odd seeing a character who was once seemingly willing to DO anything, and betray ANYBODY, in order to stay alive, literally begging her tormentor for death.  And yet, in requesting to be put out of her misery, the usually sly Katherine makes yet ANOTHER mistake!  Because now that Klaus knows what Katherine WANTS, he’ll definitely make sure she doesn’t get it. 

“I’ve been searching for you for 500 years.  So, I’ll be sure to make your death take at least half that long,” AlarKlaus explains to a petrified Katherine.  And that’s how AlarKlaus came to compel Katherine to stab herself in the leg . . . over . . . and over . . . and over again.  “And if you get bored . . . switch legs,” he offers.  “Don’t be so glum, Kat!  The fun is just beginning!”

FUN, indeed!

FIRST he makes hilariously true jokes about Alaric’s bad wardrobe, and THEN he makes Katherine do the vampiric equivalent of a rat caught in a trap, who is forced to chew off its own legs.  It’s OFFICIAL!  AlarKlaus is about ten times cooler (not to mention, hotter) than the Useless Aunt Jenna-dating Alaric will EVER BE!

Ahhh, but can he DANCE?

It’s Time for a Knock-Knock Joke!

DAMON:  “Knock, Knock!”

ELENA:  “Who’s there?”

DAMON:  “Damon”

ELENA: “Damon who?”

DAMON: “Damon, who wants to get into your pants.”

ELENA:  “You may enter . . . them.”

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome (which, thanks to some quick and dirty paperwork, has hereby,  been redubbed Elena’s Casa de Rich and Awesome) the Salvatore brothers are standing on the front porch, waiting to be “invited” into the home that has LITERALLY been in their name for centuries.  Last week, when Damon half-jokingly told Elena that he would be “really pissed” if she refused to invite him back into his own house, I just KNEW that comment was going to come back and bite him in the ASS! 

And bite, it DID!  Because while Elena let Stefan into the house, without giving him much thought or attention, for that matter, when it came Damon’s turn, she decided to use this as an opportunity to engage him in some HIGH QUALITY flirtation and eye f*&king, before he “crossed the threshhold” into HER home (and, inevitably, her panties).

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“What are we twelve?” Damon asks, feigning annoyance, when he is secretly LOVING all the attention he is getting.

“One of us is,” says Elena, flirtatiously, blocking the door, and posing seductively, in a manner that would make doppelganger Katherine proud!

Elena makes Damon promise that he will OBEY the “owner of the house,” before allowing him to enter.  Upon hearing this statement, my mind immediately fills up with KINKY S&M images of these two . . .

“Damon, you’ve been a VERY BAD BOY!   You must OBEY ME!  Say my name, B*TCH!”

Oh, yeah, and I almost forgot.  Bonnie is at the house too.  And because it’s Mystery Meat Day at the cafeteria, Elena and Bonnie have decided to make their biannual pilgrimage to school.  Damon doesn’t want Elena to leave.  He’d much rather OBEY her some more upstairs in one of the bedrooms.  But Elena knows that the plot of this week’s episode requires her to attend at least one class, and lunch.  So, she insists.  “Next to Bonnie is the safest place I can be,” Elena offers helpfully.

Painfully Obvious Foreshadowing Moment #1

Journey to CougarTown

*sings* “Caroline’s mom has got it going on.  She’s all I want, and I’ve waited for so.  . .”  Ick, nevermind!

Back at Caroline’s house, Matt Donavasshole has arrived.   But he’s not there to visit to his girlfriend, like a normal red-blooded teenage boy would, he’s there to visit her, not particularly feminine, mother.

MATT:  “Ms. Forbes, are you trying to seduce me?”

LIZ:  “That depends . . . is it working?”

Apparently, Sheriff Lizard Forbes would very much like for Matt to keep boning her daughter, and playing dumb (Well, that part should be easy for him, at least!) about all the information Caroline told him last week.  That’s right boys and girls!  Lizard Forbes, not only knows HER own daughter’s secret, she also knows DAMONS . . . and STEFAN’S  . . . and ELENA’S . . . and TYLER’S (Way to be discreet, CAROLINE!)

“I just need you to buy me some time, while I figure out how to dig myself out of this ridiculous Black Hole of a Plotline the writers have dug for our now ridiculously unlikeable characters.“

I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand this storyline AT ALL!  I suspect the point of this conversation was to make fans of the show HATE Matt less.  After all, he’s only doing what Caroline’s MOM wants him to do, right?  Right? 

WRONG!  The fact that Matt is chosing his girlfriend’s MOTHER, over his actual girlfriend just makes him a Mama’s Boy, not to mention a TOTAL WEINERFACE POOPYHEAD!

At least last week, when I thought Lizard and Donovasshole actually had a PLAN, behind their manipulation and betrayal of Caroline, I was intrigued by their newfound villainy.  Now, I’m just confused . . . and bored.  In fact, let’s just forget the aforementioned scene ever happened, OK?

POOF!  It’s been forgotten!

Don’t Know Much About History (But Know a Ton About Being CREEPY!)

Wanting to “lay eyes on his precious doppelganger,” AlarKlaus decides to head to school.  Normally, of course, this would be the absolute WORST place to find Elena, since, as I mentioned, she’s NEVER THERE.  But Elena IS at school today.  So, when AlarKlaus, under the guise of Alaric, arrives at his history class, it gives him the perfect opportunity to ogle and leer inappropriately at Elena, the daughter of his ex-wife, and adopted daughter of his now-ex girlfriend.  (Umm, yeah . . . because that’s not incestuous at all!)

“Care to join us, Elena?  We were playing pin the tail on the Chunky Monkey.”

The funniest part of this scene, of course, was that, unlike vampire Stefan, who, during the pilot episode, was a walking encyclopedia of dates and events.  New History Teacher AlarKlaus doesn’t remember a THING about the 60’s!  He’s been around so darn long that individual decades don’t even register on his radar! 

Not only can AlarKlaus not teach worth a DAMN, he also doesn’t know ANY of his students’ names, or what he was teaching in class the day before!  Of course, nobody in the class, least of all Elena, thinks there is anything at all strange about this.  Of course, I attribute this to the fact that the REAL Alaric is an alcoholic, who goes out drinking with Bromantic Buddy Damon every night, and always shows up to class wasted . . .

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At lunch “Dana” or as I like to refer to her “Creepy Compelled Girl from the Promos,” asks Elena if she is going to the 60’s dance tonight.  She then tells her that a “hot guy named Klaus,” who DOESN’T look like her history teacher, wants her to save the “last dance” for him.

“3 scenes, 3 lines.  You know what that means, don’t you?  SAG CARD, HERE I COME!”

By the way, did anybody else find it strange that AlarKlaus was “human,” in the sense that Bonnie would be capable of killing him rather easily, were it not for the use of a Protection Spell . . . and “human,” in the sense that he could, enter Elena’s house without an invitation (more on that later) . . . but “vampiric” in his ability to compel others?  Now, maybe this is because compulsion is something that occurs in the mind, and not the body.  And yet, I’ve always considered it to be an exclusively VAMPIRE power, which would mean that someone inhabiting Alaric‘s body, shouldn’t have been able to do it.  Any thoughts?

The knowledge that Klaus has invaded Mystic Falls High and miraculously compelled an Extra to play his “wingman,” makes Elena cry we, we, we, we, we all the way back to her Casa de Rich and Awesome, to tell the rest of the Scooby Gang the bad news.  I smell a Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation!

“Well Hi, There, Super Villain!  Wanna kill me?  Here’s HOW!”

So, remember how Damon used to be a member of the Let’s Kill All the Vampires in Mystic Falls Committee?

Well, it seems Klaus has taken a page out of the Salvatore Playbook, and has decided to join team Save Elena from Klaus . . .

It ends up being a BRILLIANT MOVE on Klaus’ part, actually.  Not only is the Scooby Gang COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to the fact that AlarKlaus acts ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE ALARIC, they also proceed to carefully detail for him their Klaus-killing plan.  Even though, presumably, Alaric himself, has probably heard it before (most likely during one of his and Damon’s LONNNNG nights of binge drinking). 

“I’m the Plan of Attack,” says Bonnie, like the humble gal she is.

When AlarKlaus challenges Bonnie’s ability to kill a Big Bad Vampire like himself Klaus, Bonnie gladly proves him wrong, by doing THIS . . .

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Look on the bright side, Damon.  At least it wasn’t a Wall Slam!

After his fun with the Scooby Gang, AlarKlaus heads back to Alaric’s crib and proceeds to play with himself “Safari Sam’s” toys.  Said toys include a SERIOUS arsenal of BAD ASS WEAPONRY .  . .

(As we already knew.)

 . . . and of course, lots of top quality liquor.  (See, I told you he’s an Alchy!)

AlarKlaus worries out loud that Bonnie (or as he lovingly refers to her, the Witch B*tch) might actually be able to defeat him, by murdering Alaric’s body.  So, Sumo Warlock comes up with the “brilliant” idea to “protect” AlarKlaus through a spell. 

Alert the media!  It speaks!

Once protected, Klaus can provoke Bonnie into using all her powers, thereby causing her to croak, just like the Great Witch Prophecy of Emily Bennett had said she would.

“Screw you too .  . . EMILY!”

And this brings us to the night of the  Next Last Dance . . .

Dance with the Devil (and everyone else on this show TOO!)

It’s 60’s Dance Night, and our Scooby Gang is trying to “blend in with the crowd,” and have fun, while,  at the same time, “tracking down and kiling Klaus.”  ALMOST everyone in the gang does a great job with the whole “Blending In” thing . . . except for . . . well . . .

You know you are a Major Buzzkill, when EVERYONE ELSE AT THE PARTY is wearing hot pants, and hippie outfits, and YOU show up dressed as an ASSASSINATED PRESIDENT, Matt DONAVASSHOLE!  It’s called a THEME dance, not Halloween!  Just  sayin’! 

Outside the dance, a still extremely concerned Jeremy tries to give Bonnie his Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality.  (Gee, I wonder why he would think she would be in danger?)

 

Bonnie declines Jeremy’s “marriage to life” proposal . . .

DEN-IED!

 . . . arguing that the ring only works on HUMANS and, as a witch, Bonnie is NOT exactly human.  You know, for all the MASSIVE hatred of all things supernatural, Bonnie has exhibited in the past, admitting that she is somewhat of a “monster” herself, is a MAJOR step in the right direction for our girl,  Bonnie!  And you know what THAT means, don’t you?

Painfully Obvious Foreshadowing Moment #2

Meanwhile, a very efficient AlarKlaus, has already begun the arduous task of Making the Compelled Humans Do His Work For Him.(LA-ZY!)  First, he “hires” “Dana” to give Elena the song dedication we witnessed in the promo.  Then, he commandeers “Dana’s 14-year old date and his rather wimpy looking friends” to “make some extra extra credit.”  AlarKlaus then slips this Second String Geek Squad some of Alaric’s gnarlier vampire hunting weapons (which reminds me, where the heck did AlarKlaus HIDE THOSE?  In his TIGHT PANTS?  A man purse, perhaps?)  to carry out this week’s Mini Gilbert Smackdown. 

But still, through it all, Damon is not impressed,  and he tells AlarKlaus as much . . .

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While, AlarKlaus goes and cries in his punch bowl, at Damon’s rejection of his villainy, Damon himself tries to IMPRESS his lady friends, with his Mad Dancing Skills, the excellence of which we are already well aware .  . .

Unlike AlarKlaus, who’d much prefer a more “prim and proper” decade, like the 20’s, Damon genuinely seems to feel at home in the 60’s. (I attribute this to the leather pants.)  And when he sees that his soon-to-be lover Elena is not enjoying herself quite as much as she should be, he sets out to change that, in one of my FAVORITE Delena moments of the episode . . .

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In a move that many of us Delena fans would like to view as a “foreshadowing of things to come,” Damon QUITE LITERALLY spins Elena away from Stefan’s arms, and into his own.  Elena is shocked, and pleasantly surprised by the gesture.  So, she shows her appreciation, by ogling Damon’s manparts, and staring at his eyes and lips, as if she would very much like to swallow them all whole.

 (Might I remind you that THIS is Ponytail Elena!  And, as we learned in “Daddy Issues” Ponytail Elena is ALWAYS down for Sexy Times with Damon!)

“You are very good at this,” says a Breathless Elena, as the tension of being stalked by Klaus starts to leave her body, and a DIFFERENT kind of tension, begins to build DOWN BELOW.  Damon further diffuses Elena’s discomfort, by offering up a bit of that patent snarky humor of his we all enjoy so much . . .

“Remember the LAST Dance we went to, where the vampires were all like ‘Arrrrrgh’ and you were all like ‘AHHHHHH?” 

I’m not even making that up!  Damon ACTUALLY says these words to Elena!  And it’s pretty friggin hilarious!  But Damon is not just saying it, to give fans of the show a little Season 1 flashback . . .

Memories . . . like the corners of my mind . . . misty water-colored memories . . . of the way we were!

He says it to remind Elena that she’s on the SCOOBY GANG!  And the Scooby Gang ALWAYS wins in the end!  GO TEAM!

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Having already swept Elena off her feet, Damon turns his attention to more practical matters.  And so begins his Ass Grind Fest with Bonnie Bennett, while the pair whisper Sweet Klaus Magical Murder Schemes in one another’s ears .  . .

Ponytail Elena, of course, is NOT AT ALL COOL with this!  No one is going to ASS GRIND with Damon, besides HER!  “What are THOSE TWO up TO?”  Ponytail Elena asks Jeremy pointedly, her kitty claws, ready to scratch Bonnie’s eyes out . . .

Ooh, I bet Damon LOVES it when she gets jealous!

A Broody Jeremy leaves the dance promptly.  So, Sensitive Stefan, always the group’s unofficial shrink, rushes to comfort him.  It is there, that Jeremy finally spills the beans on Bonnie’s Deadly Witch Sacrifice Plans.  So, of course, Stefan blabs to Elena.  And Elena confronts Bonnie.  And it becomes this BIG OLE Game of Telephone, Scooby Gang style! 

Elena pulls Bonnie aside, and tells her, once and for all, that she is NOT dying to save Elena’s life.  But Bonnie notes, not unkindly, that Elena would do the same thing for her.  And Elena can’t deny this . . . There is crying, and hugging, and all sorts of HO-mantic goodness .  . . and all while Poor Jeremy is getting his ASS HANDED to him, by a bunch of twerps, for the 85,000th time this season.  But when Damon and Stefan come to his rescue, they figure out pretty quickly that the twerps were compelled, and that this is all ONE BIG TRAP.

Meanwhile, “Alaric” has come outside to inform Elena and Bonnie that “Klaus has Jeremy.”  They quickly follow him back inside the school.  Ruh-ROH!

The Showdown!

I love how INCREDIBLY long it took Elena and Bonnie to finally figure out that Klaus had possessed Alaric’s body.  In fact, when AlarKlaus, who was clearly SO DONE pretending to be a mild-mannered history teacher, started verbally threatening them in the hallway, their first thought was that he was COMPELLED by Klaus to do it.  “Are you still on vervain, Alaric?”  Elena inquires.

Finally, AlarKlaus gives up being cryptic, and grudingly SPELLS IT OUT FOR THE GIRLS . . . “I’ll give you a hint, I’m not Alaric,” AlarKlaus admits.  (Well DUH!)  Now that all their secrets are finally out on the table, AlarKlaus comes clean about the fact that it is BONNIE he wants to murder this evening, not Elena.  So, Bonnie starts going all witchy on his ass.   But thanks to Sumo Warlock’s protection spell, it isn’t quite as effective as she would have hoped.  “If you kill this body, I’ll just have to go and get myself another one . . . maybe Jeremy’s,” Klaus notes . . .

“You mean, there’s a scenario out there, where I might actually WIN a fight, for a change?  HELLS YEAH!”

(Hmmm, now the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality protects Jeremy from Death by Supernatural Beings.  I wonder if it protects him from possession by Supernatural Beings . . . interesting . . .)

Knowing a lost cause when they see one, Elena an Bonnie dash off in retreat.  Outside, the school, we see Damon employ a similar Divide and Conquer Vampire Trick to the one we saw Klaus use on Elena and Bonnie, earlier.  (I swear there must be a Vampire Playbook out there, somewhere!) 

“GO FIND STEFAN,” Damon instructs Elena.  (And she falls for it . . . AGAIN!)

Where’s your head at, girlfriend?  Keep this up, and the next thing you know, you’ll be hiding important ancient artifacts in soap dishes!

Alone again with Bonnie, Damon begins to describe to her his plan for Elena’s survival, in earnest . . .

Bonnie’s Big Sacrifice

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“You’re ass is GRASS, AlarKlaus!”

The Big Battle Scene between Bonnie and AlarKlaus takes place in some student lounge.  It’s not much of a battle, really.  Because the pair NEVER so much as lays a finger on one another.  We see Bonnie do her, nose bleed, raised hand, glaring thing.  Alaric gets thrown around the room a bit, Mini Gilbert style, but always gets up unscathed. 

Then, vending machines start exploding, and my heart goes out to the students at MysticFalls  High.  Because I know just HOW LONG school days can be, when you can’t get your $.75 pack of pretzels, or your $1.00 Diet Coke with Lime!

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Umm . . . Bonnie?  I don’t know how to tell you this, but your nose is like REALLY BLEEDING, and you’ve got some lightning sparks in your hair . . .

Speaking of Bonnie’s hair, I’ve just figured out the REAL benefit of witchy fighting: NO BAD HAIR DAYS!  You can save the world, and still look like you just stepped out of a salon!  (Well . . . as long as you plug up those unsightly nose bleeds, that is!)

Anywhoo, Elena arrives on the scene just in time to see AlarKlaus disappear into thin air, and Bonnie drop dead . . .

Now, if you’ve read these recaps before, you know that Bonnie and I aren’t exactly the best of “pals.”  But you’ve really gotta hand it to Nina Dobrev, and her Mad Acting Skills.  Because when she rushed onto the scene, and started bawling over Bonnie’s lifeless body, I must admit, I grew a bit teary-eyed, myself. 

Moments later, the Salvatore Bro’s rush onto the scene, with Damon instructing Stefan to get Elena away from the body, so that he can DO HIS BUSINESS.  Being the Good Little Boy that he is, Stefan complies. 

Meanwhile, Damon gently closes Bonnie’s eyes, and carries her down to some weird candlelit room.  (What’s with witches and candles anyway?  Can someone explain this to me?)  Damon finds Jeremy in the parking lot, and solemnly directs her to Bonnie’s underground grave.  When he gets down there, Bonnie opens her eyes . . .

SURPRISE!  Bonnie’s NOW A FLESH EATING ZOMBIE!  She’s ALIVE!  Haha, fooled you, TVD fans!  Aren’t accidental deaths meant to manipulate the audience into having FEELINGS for a character they may or may not have originally given two craps about HILARIOUS!

Now, that you’ve totally flipped your sh*t, it’s time for a little product placement.  You see, apparently, Jeremy brought his little mini laptop with him to the dance (DORK!)!  I’ll show you how he plans to use it in a bit.  Meanwhile, let’s go check on Elena, who’s not in on the “SUPER FUNNY” Death Fake Out, YET . . .

“I will ALWAYS choose YOU!”

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Back at Elena’s Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan is trying in vain to comfort his girlfriend, who is still completely inconsolate over the not-so-much-death of Bonnie.  When Damon comes  home from “burying the Witch Bitch,” a tearful Elena, really lets him have it, “You knew she was going to DIE,” Elena insists.

“Yes,” replies Damon.  *facepalm* 

(See, if I were Damon, my first words, upon entering the house, would have been.  “HAHA, BONNIE’S ALIVE!  APRIL FOOL’S!”  I mean, talk about burying the lead!)

Not surprisingly, Elena slaps Damon for his insensitive words . . . HARD! 

And THAT’S when Damon FINALLY decides to tell her the truth: that  Bonnie had to make Klaus BELIEVE she was dead, so that he would stop trying to attack her.  Damon’s reasoning for keeping this from Elena was that, he believed that, if she knew what was going to happen, she probably wouldn’t have put on as believeable a Cry Face, as she did that evening.  (Well . .  . it WAS a good Cry Face!)

Elena happily rushes to her room and heads online.  Back in the Bat Cave, Jeremy has set up his underground WiFi connection, which allows Elena and Bonnie to SKYPE together!  YAY!  Lamest Best product placement ever! 

You can just imagine the tagline on the inevitable commercial that will result from this,  “Have you faked your own death?  Are you bored and lonely, living life underground, while all your friends and family are having fun upstairs?  SKYPE can HELP!”

(Which reminds me . . . doesn’t Bonnie have parents?  Aren’t THEY going to start to wonder, why she never came home from the dance?  Aren’t there ANY good parents on this show?)

And YES, I am looking at YOU, Useless Aunt Jenna!  Little Miss, I’m Going to Live on Campus for a Week, While the Two Children in My Care Get Beat Up, and Psychologically Tortured, at a School Dance, and one of them somehow “Purchases” a MANSION!

AHEM!

Oh, DON”T even get me started!

Downstairs, at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan is pouting, because Damon didn’t let him in on the Oh-So-Funny plan he and Bonnie had to PUNK Elena.  Damon rightfully argues, that had he told Stefan, Stefan would have undoubtedly gone blabbing to Elena, and ruined everything.

“Don’t get me wrong Stefan, I don’t mind being the Bad Guy,” Damon begins.  “I’ll make all the Life and Death Decisions while you worry about the collateral damage.  I’ll even let her hate me for it.  But at the end of the day, I’ll be the one to keep her alive.”

Harsh words, Elder Salvatore . . . but true.  I actually think THIS moment represents a real turning point for the Stefan-Elena-Damon love triangle.  But not for the reasons you might think.  Remember back in “Rose,” when Damon told Elena that he loved her, but ultimately compelled her to forget it, because he felt that Stefan was more DESERVING of Elena’s love, than he was?

Who am I kidding?  Of COURSE you remember!  It was EPIC!

Well, THIS is the first time we’ve seen Damon actually question whether or not that is actually true.  Here, BOTH Stefan and Damon are coming to the realization that Damon MAY, in fact, be better equipped to save Elena, than Stefan is.  After all, Damon is willing to hurt Elena, in order to keep her safe, whereas Stefan might not be capable of doing so.  Interestingly enough, Stefan never contests Damon’s accusations against him.  Rather, he seems to take them to heart, in a very personal way.

And I think that it is THIS realization on Damon’s part, that allows him to be as upfront with Elena, about his feelings for her, as he is in the next scene.  While Damon does not go QUITE as far, as he did in “Rose,” in that he does not verbally use the word, “love” to describe his feelings for her, the words Damon does use are JUST as powerful of an indicator of that emotion. 

I’ll let you watch the scene in full first, so you can get the complete impact.  And then I’ll make a few choice comments . . .

Watching this scene again, I’m struck by how very HONEST both Damon and Elena are with one another, about their true intentions.  In hindsight, you can almost SEE the moment, when Elena makes the decision to do what she does in the final scene.  Once she’s decided, she all but telegraphs to Damon, her choice, as if begging him to say the thing that will stop her.  “Let me get one thing straight, I will NOT let Bonnie die for me,” says Elena.  “There has to be another way.”

You can try to hide your true  feelings from Damon.  But Flirty Hair Pulls of Lust don’t LIE, Elena!

But Damon loves Elena so very much, that he can’t hear what she is trying to tell him in this moment, which is tragic on so many levels.  “Let me get one thing straight,” he begins, “If it comes down to you or the Witch again, I will gladly let her die.  I will ALWAYS . . . CHOSE . . . YOU.”

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Just as Damon realized that he HAD to keep his plans regarding Bonnie a secret from Elena, in order to protect Elena’s life, Elena now realizes that she has to keep her decision from Damon, in order to protect Bonnie’s life.  And it is because they are both such similarly passionate people — who are willing to sacrifice everything  forthose they care about — that Damon and Elena will NEVER agree on the lengths they should go to keep Elena safe. 

I think my favorite moment of the scene, was the very final one.  This is after all the confessions have been made, when Elena realizes that her next move is going to be a major betrayal of Damon’s love for her.

After saying good night to Damon, Elena turns back toward him, and looks him straight in the eye.  (For a second there, I REALLY did think she was going to kiss him.)  Clearly, there was SO MUCH that Elena wanted to say to Damon: about his feelings for her . . . about HER feelings for him . . . and  about the sacrifices people make for ones they love.  And I actually think Elena came EXTREMELY close to telling Damon her plans regarding Elijah.  But in the end she knew that she couldn’t.  Instead, Elena leaves Damon’s room, sad, confused, and resigned to her fate.

As Damon watches Elena go, he too has left a lot unsaid, regarding just how much he truly loves her, and how much it kills him to see her in pain, especially when he is the one causing it.  And yet, now that Damon is FINALLY starting to realize how much he truly deserves Elena, there’s a good chance HE may unburden himself to her completely,someday soon.  Hopefully, that day will come sooner, rather than later.

But first . . . he will have THIS new development to deal with . . .

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As you recall, the Rhythm Method of Murdering Vampire Originals has one small catch . . . “pull out” too late, and you’ve got another pesky little vampire bun in your oven!  That’s right boys and girls!  Thanks to Elena, ELIJAH HAS RETURNED!

Speaking of Elijah, next week, we get to see him in Flashback Mode, complete with a Brand Spanking OLD haircut!  Oh, and did I mention the TITLE for next week’s episode?  It’s called “Klaus.”  Yes indeed, the REAL Voldemort will be showing his face on your television screen VERY SOON!  You can check out the extended preview for the episode, right here:

In the epic words of Elijah himself, “I believe the term you are looking for is ‘OMFG.'”

See you April 21st, fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Do That Tomb Me, One More Time! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Masquerade”

Don’t you love it when our little Scooby Gang can put aside their differences, and come together to achieve a common goal?  I mean . . . think about it.  EVERYBODY played their part in Katherine’s destruction this week.  Alaric brought the weapons.  Bonnie set the trap.  Caroline led Kat into the trap.  The Salvatores kicked some Major Kat Ass, and Jeremy . . . well . . .  ummm . . .

 . . .  he looked really pretty!

So put on your party masks, everyone . . . it’s time to look back at how our favorite Scooby Crew turned a Mission Impossible into a Mission (mostly) Accomplished!

We ALL Need a Stiff One Sometimes . . .

ALARIC:  “My, what big WOOD you have, Damon!”

DAMON:  “The better to poke you with, My Dear Alaric.”  *does Eye Thing*

When the episode begins, Caroline is in DESPERATE need of a Stiff One.  And Damon kindly obliges . . .

“Phew, I really needed that.”

OK . . . I meant he gave her a DRINK . . . of blood . . . Get your mind out of the gutter!  (Damon’s a one-woman girl, now!  HE BELONGS TO ELENA!  DUH!)

That’s more like it!  (You’re welcome for the Shirtless Damon pic, by the way . . . they’ve been SO LACKING this season!  WTF Writers!)

Anyway, Caroline needed the Stiffy drink, because she had just had a run in with the EVIL KAT.  Apparently, Elena’s Much Cooler Twin Sister cornered the Baby Vamp, while she was skulking around Mystic Falls Only Bar / Social Establishment, and stalking her ex boyfriend, Zombie Matt.

“Must . . . eat . . . brains    be  . . . Random Plot Device   do . . . Katherine’s bidding.”

As per usual, Katherine wants Caroline to “deliver a message” to the Salvatore Detective Agency.  (What’s with all this getting your enemies to deliver your messages for you, Katherine?  Can’t you afford Fed Ex . . . or a good texting plan?)

“What do you MEAN, it’s going to take 3-to-5 business days to get there?  I eat customer service reps, like you for lunch!  No . . . really . . .I do.”

The “message” in question is that Katherine wants the Object-Formerly-Known as-Mason’s-Family-Jewels . . .

 (Sorry Wolfman!)

 . . . delivered to her that night, at Mystic Falls’ Masquerade Ball for the Homeless (?)

(Seriously?  Aside from maybe the Hidey Hole Vamps, how many homeless people do you think actually live in Mystic Falls)

If the Brothers don’t deliver the Jewels to the Big Ball, THE TOWN WILL RAIN BLOOD!

“RAIN?  I didn’t even bring an umbrella!”

Caroline initially suggests that the Salvatore Detective Agency give Katherine what she wants so she will “GO AWAY!”

But Damon doesn’t PLAY that game!  “I’m not giving her my DICK again!”  He exclaims.

Would you, perhaps, consider giving it to ME, then?

Damon then states that HE plans to KILL Katherine (a revelation that would be truly shocking . . . if . . . say . . . you were stuck in an underground tomb somewhere, between this week and last, and, therefore, never saw any of the promos for this episode).  Then Stefan, ever the stereotypical little brother, states that he wants to kill Katherine, instead of Damon!

DAMON: “I’ll wrestle you for it.”

STEFAN:  “Fine . . . take off your shirt.”

Stupidity, Naivety, and, of course, more Uselessness . . .

After last week’s brief brush with plot importance, Aunt Jenna dutifully resumed Chronic Uselessness this week, when she was carried home by Matt, Elena, Alaric and Jeremy, after “accidentally stabbing herself in the abdomen with a knife.” 

(OK . . . could someone please tell me WHY these guys haven’t told Useless Aunt Jenna about the whole “Vampire Thing” yet?  Doesn’t her current status as the girlfriend of the male equivalent of Buffy the Vampire Slayer earn her honorary admission into the Scooby Gang?  We all know she’s just going to keep “walking into the knives,” until she’s taught to do otherwise . . .)

Once alone, Jeremy asks Elena what she plans on doing about the whole “Kat Problem.”  And Elena, taking a page from the Useless Aunt Jenna Book of Problem Solving, replies, “Nothing.”

“I always knew I had all the brains in the family . . .”

Elena honestly believes that, because she broke up with Stefan she can FINALLY start screwing his Hot Brother Katherine will just ride off into the sunset on the coffin she rode in on.  “You are being a F*CKING MORON naive, and you know it!”  Jeremy scolds.

And with that, Mini Gilbert stalks off to La Casa de Rich and Awesome for yet another Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation . . .

“I’ll Take ‘Weapons Commonly Used to Kill Vampires’ for $100, Alex”

Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Alaric has quite literally opened up his Can of Vampire-Flavored Whup Ass on the rest of the Scooby Gang.  This guy’s got some phallic-shaped weapons that would make even Buffy blush!

DAMON:  “All that vampire slaying, and your hands are still silky smooth!  Do you mind my asking, what kind of moisturizer you use?”

Soon, Bonnie arrives with her . . .  to this day I can never figure out what they call that Witch Book of hers . . . Grimmore . . . Grin More . . . Gremlin? . . . whatever it is, she’s got a Big Book, and Stefan wants her to use it to help kill Katherine.

BONNIE:  “Do you want me to hit her on the head with it?  Because I could do that, you know . . .”

Stefan’s actual plan involves Bonnie performing a spell at the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless (?) that will isolate Katherine from the rest of the party, so that the Brother Vamps can kill her in peace.  Then, Bonnie makes me like her character just a little bit more, by actually agreeing to the plan, without giving anyone a migraine . . .

 . . . or making a single Anti-Vampire comment, in the process.  (It’s a start . . .)

“As long as no one gets hurt,” Judgy Bonnie can’t help but scold.

(In hindsight, this was probably the funniest line in the whole episode.  Seriously!  Who didn’t get hurt at the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless(?))

“Except for Katherine.  Tonight the Kat gets a stake through the heart,” concluded Damon (a line which undoubtedly scared the bejeesus out of all the cats,watching this episode . . . including mine . . . she’s a HUGE TVD fan!)

This isn’t her . . .

My Katherine, what a BIG WITCH you have!

Speaking of Katherine, it looks like she got herself a witch of her own.  And MAN is she TALL!  In fact, Witchy Lucy was SO tall, she made most of the cast look like miniature figurines!  After weeks of seeing the evil vamp threaten her adversaries, with sing-song one-liners and double entendres, it was nice to see Katherine with someone who (at least, at first) actually seemed like friend of hers.

When Lucy inquires as to why Katherine is straightening her hair, she replies conspiratorially, “I’m impersonating my dull as dishwater doppelganger, Elena.”

“She has terrible taste,” scoffs Katherine.

“Except in men!” Lucy replies.

When Katherine flirtatiously asks Lucy to be her “plus one” at the event, I couldn’t help but wonder if these two had ever “experimented” with eachother.  (Come on!  You just KNOW Katherine is the kind of girl who “swings both ways.”)

Everybody Rejects Elena . . . (for once in her life)

“WTF, guys!  You can’t engage in Scooby Games without ME!  You all LOVE ME, and I’m HOT!”

Back at the Gilbert house, Mopey Elena is being SUPER selfish!  She’s letting her breakup with Stefan get in the way of her going to a boozy party TO HELP THE HOMELESS!

She tries to get Zombie Matt to stay home with her (he used to LUUUUUUVVVV her, after all).  But Zombie Matt is on a suicidal mission . . . one which (shockingly) doesn’t involve Elena.  But when Elena finds out that Stefan AND Jeremy went to “help the homeless” too, she gets REALLY pissed!

“I’m glad he’s going,” says Useless Aunt Jenna, of Jeremy.  “He needs to lose the Emo Thing.”

(“Emo Thing,” Jenna?  COME ON!  That is SO Season 1!)

Ultimately, however, it’s Alaric that spills the beans about the Scooby Gang and their Ocean’s 11-esque plan to Kill the Kat, and Save the Elena!

“What can I say?  I’m a sucker for a good Spoiler!”

So Many Dicks, So Little Time . . .

Having watched the episode, I now see that the purpose of that seemingly random scene between Tyler and his mom, was to, more or less, foreshadow what happened to him at the end of the episode.  However, when I first watched it, I was pretty certain it was all about DICKS . . .

“Why so much ‘dick’?  You’ve got something against the word ‘weiner?'”

Tyler apologized for being a DICK . . . Tyler’s mom said Tyler’s dead dad could be a DICK sometimes . . . Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick.  Between all these dicks, and the two Damon used in the opening scenes, I found myself sorely wishing I had created a drinking game around this word, before the episode began . . .

Slutty Amy Meets Her Maker . . .

As if the attempted murder of Useless Aunt Jenna, and the zombification / attempted murder of Matt weren’t enough of an indication, Katherine once again proved herself to be NO JOKE early on in the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless(?).  After a very sexy slow dance with Stefan, Katherine, angered by Stefan’s staunch refusal to give her the Moonstone right away, claimed the episode’s first victim, in a matter of minutes . . .

We barely knew thee, ya big WHORE!

Your dress is “GORG!” swoons Slutty Amy to Vampire Katherine, who she believes to be Elena.  Casting a final defiant look in Stefan’s direction, Katherine casually walks over to the well-meaning, but incredibly dim girl, and snaps her neck.

“OMG!  I can’t believe you just did that!  It makes me so . . . thirsty.”

And the Senseless Death Award goes to . .  .

  . . . wait . . . I already forgot her name . . .

Tyler gets some action (and his first taste of CGI Graphics . . .)

“Hey Matt, is that a murder weapon in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”

So, here’s the question I have about this whole “compelling thing:”  When a subject is compelled to do something, how long does that suggestion last?  Is Jenna going to keep “accidentally walking into knives?”  Is Matt going to keep trying to get Tyler to kill him, even though Katherine is (at least, temporarily) out of the picture, and the reason for the mission has already been accomplished?

I only ask, because I noticed that, even though Katherine gave Matt the suggestion to provoke Tyler until Tyler killed him, last week, Katherine felt the need to compel him AGAIN, with the same suggestion, at the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless(?). 

Perhaps, she was afraid viewers he would forget?

“God, you are HOT!  Now go away!”  Katherine told Matt, her message having been successfully re-delivered.

So, off went Matt, along with Slutty Sarah . . .

 . . . and Tyler into the “Forbidden Room” a.k.a. “Dad’s Study” to get wasted.  Once the trio is suitably hammered, Matt starts acting like . . . for lack of a better term . . . a TOTAL DICK . . .

Speaking of dicks (AGAIN!), Matt starts calling Tyler’s Dead Dad ONE.  (Talk about speaking ill of the dead, this is the second time this hour that the dearly departed Mayor has been called a part of the male anatomy.)  Matt then randomly pours a bottle of expensive liquor on the carpet, and smashes a picture of Tyler and his father to the ground.  “Remember when your Dad used to slap you around?”  Matt slurringly inquires.

“I’m not going to fight you,”  says Tyler, just as he does EVERYTIME he’s about to fight someone.

Then Matt starts to attack him . . .

The two “go at it” (wink, wink) for a little while, as Slutty Sarah watches with interest.   Then Caroline . . .

 . . . having just completed her Scooby Gang task (more on that, in a bit) . .  . hears the ruckus, using her super sensitive vampire ears.  Off rushes Baby Vamp to kick some ass, and take some names!

In minutes, Caroline has put herself in between the fighting boys.  With little effort at all, she knocks Matt unconscious to the ground.  He’s woozy and wasted, but alive. 

“That was ALL KINDS of hot, Caroline!  I’m stroking my pool stick, just thinking about it.”

Crisis averted . . . or so it seemed . . . but as we learned last week, Katherine always has a Plan B!   “Matt failed.  If Matt fails, I can’t,” utters Slutty Sarah robotically, as she lunges at Tyler with a very sharp letter opener.

“TYLER LOOK OUT!”  Caroline screams, from the floor next to Matt.

Caught off guard, a very freaked out Tyler knocks Slutty Sarah into his deceased father’s desk.  And Slutty Sarah, who, might I remind you, survived BEING PUSHED DOWN AN ENTIRE FLIGHT OF WOODEN STEPS, early on in the season, hits her head and dies instantly.

But, hey . . . at least her death wasn’t SENSELESS, like her friend Amy’s!  Caroline rushes to examine Slutty Sarah’s non-existent pulse, while Tyler hunches over in pain.  That’s when it happens.  Tyler’s eyes begin to bug out, werewolf style . . .

 . . . and THAT was how his curse was ACTIVATED!

After dropping Matt off in the car to “sleep it off,” Caroline returns to check on Tyler, who has broken the news of Slutty Sarah’s death to his mother.  Mommy Dearest takes it surprisingly well.  It kind of makes me wonder how much she knows about the Werewolf Curse, which both her husband, and now her son, have experienced firsthand.  “It was an accident,” she says calmly.  “We’ll take care of it.”

“I’ll deal with Matt,” Caroline says comfortingly to Tyler. 

“Why are you doing all this [for me]?”  Tyler inquires.   “I killed her.  She’s dead.  You have no idea what that means.”

“Well, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle DEAD!”

“Yes . . . I do,” replies the Undead Triple Homicide Veteran. 

Caroline then calls Tyler’s attention to his heretofore bloody wounds, now healed.  “How did you do that?”  Tyler asks, now staring at the sexy blonde intently.

(Hmmmmm . . .  well . . . Caroline and Tyler would be more interesting together than Caroline and Matt.  That’s for sure!  Just out of curiousity, how bizarre exactly do you think a vampire / werewolf lovechild would look, anyway?)

Here’s a good guess!

The Best Laid Plans

Back in Kill Kat Land, Stefan chastises himself for not killing Kat during the Memory Lane episode, when he had the chance.  Damon, always eager to best his brother, argues that this would NEVER happen to him.  “You loved her for over 140 years.  It could happen . . .”  Stefan warns.

“Whatever happens, I’ve got your back,” says Damon to his Baby Bro.  “Tonight, it [Kat’s Reign of Terror] ends.”

Meanwhile, Mr. I-Am-Incapable-of-Being-Single-and-Therefore-Will-Hit-On/Fall-in-Love-with ANYONE, Jeremy decides that this would be a great opportunity to put the moves on his Big Sister’s sort of/kind of best friend.

“Nice boobs, Bonnie!  Way nicer than Tyler’s .  . . a bit nicer than Anna’s . . . but not quite as nice as Vicki’s”

“You are 100% B*tch Witch.  That is so cool,” remarks Jeremy flirtatiously, as Bonnie puts the finishing touches on her Kathering Binding spell.

Surprise!  Surprise!  If Jeremy had witchy powers, he says he would use them to perform Sex Spells . . .

When did this episode of The Vampire Diaries become the movie Eyes Wide Shut?

“[Being a witch] never ends well for people like me,” complains Bonnie morbidly. 

(Talk about KILLING THE MOOD, BONNIE!)

While the pair are talking, Bonnie gets a “feeling” (it’s called being horny) that she has to investigate . . .

The “feeling,” as it turns out, comes from Mini Gilbert fellow witch, Lucy . . .

The plan now set in motion, Jeremy finds Katherine and tells her to meet Stefan and Damon upstairs, where they will supposedly give her the Moonstone.  Next up is Caroline, who finds herself accosted by Katherine for the second time this episode.

“They are trying to kill you,” squeaks Caroline, as her head is pushed into a wall.

“Where’s Bonnie?”  Katherine wisely inquires to a “choked up” Caroline.

“She’s upstairs,” replies Caroline breathlessly.

Katherine drags Caroline upstairs.  Then, the Baby Vamp leads the Old as Sh*t Vamp to a guest bedroom.  Bonnie is not there.  But Stefan and Damon are.  And now, thanks to Bonnie’s spell, Katherine can’t leave!

“I DID IT!”  Caroline squeals with joy, practically jumping up and down at the thought of having bested the vampire who “killed her.”  “Goodbye Kat!”  She says, giving her a cute girly finger wave, before exiting stage left. (LOVE HER!)

While Katherine is distracted by Stefan and his little baby dagger, Damon approaches her from behind with his big BULL of a SHOTGUN! *wink wink*

But this . .. is when things start to go wrong . . .

Down on the ground below, Elena has crashed the party in plain clothes.  Apparently the Debbie Downer has come to pee on all the fun that is the Salvatore Detective Agency Feline Murder Plot . . .

Note:  When I first screencapped this scene from the trailer, I was POSITIVE that it featured Damon and Elena!  Imagine my disappointment to learn that it was Mini Gilbert instead . . .

“You don’t need to do this for me,” remarks Little Miss Selfish to her brother, when she learns what the crew has planned in her absence.

“It’s not just about YOU!  NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU!  She’s messed with all of us.   She has to be stopped!”  Jeremy explains.

Suddenly, a massive bullet wound appears on Elena’s stomach.

Elena doubles over, in pain!  Bonnie instantly realizes that Katherine’s witch, Lucy, linked the doppelgangers together, so that when Damon and Stefan hurt Katherine, they would also hurt the NEW love of BOTH of their lives, Elena.  Bonnie rushes to find Lucy, while Jeremy tends to Elena . . .

Meanwhile, the battle of Salvatore Brothers versus Katherine rages on!  And as my Blogger Pal Amy (not the Slutty Dead ONE from the show) remarked, it was SUPER KINKY!

There was tons of panting, grunting, thrusting and vamped-out posturing . . .

Phallic weapons were stroked, poked, and prodded into skin that bumped and grinded against other skin. 

There were big STICKS flying everywhere, penetrating EVERYTHING!

“EAT IT!  PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH!  SWALLOW!”

At one point, Katherine straddled Stefan, while Damon approached her from behind, ready to “strike.”

It was AWESOME!

At that moment, Jeremy rushes in to tell the brothers that Katherine and Elena are linked, and that everything Damon and Stefan do to Katherine is also happening to Elena .  . .

Unable to fathom ever physically hurting the woman he has come to care for so deeply — even if it means losing to Katherine — Damon stops fighting immediately.  A worried expression instantly replaces the rage that had covered his face, just seconds before.

Talk about doing a complete 180!  NOW Katherine has begun hurting herself, as Damon and Stefan desperately try to STOP HER!

“Kiss me, Damon!  She’ll feel THAT too!”  Katherine taunts.

(GIRLS, HOW AWESOME WOULD IT HAVE BEEN IF HE ACTUALLY DID IT?)

“What happened Damon, you used to be so polite?”  Katherine continues.

“That guy died a LONG time ago!”  Damon remarks shrewdly.

Like Isobel before her, Katherine instantly can see the extent to which Damon loves Elena, and how that effects Stefan.  She notes how both men are “worshipping at Elena’s alter,” when they used to worship at Katherine’s.

Stefan and Katherine then take a little trip down memory lane.  With Katherine remarking about how she has checked up on Stefan over the years, even going as far as to follow him to a Bon Jovi concert back in the 80’s.  (And you just KNOW Stefan had a  mullet back then!) 

Stefan, for his part, makes the connection between Werewolf George’s need for the moonstone back in 1864, and Katherine’s need for it now.

“You used the moonstone to bargain for your safety,” Stefan notes wisely.  “And you were already free, when we tried to save you.”  He recalls. 

“Yes, your obsession with me was very inconvenient, Damon,” Katherine scoffs.

“You and me both!”  Damon exclaims.

The old ball and chain . . .

Stefan wonders who Katherine has been running from all these years.  But Katherine refuses to answer.  And yet, something tellls me that the Salvatore Detective Agency are about to find out . . .

Meanwhile, Bonnie finds Lucy, who knows she has the Moonstone, and will only break the spell on Elena, if Bonnie gives it up.  Bonnie moves to fight Lucy, but stops, after hearing her say the words, “You can trust me.”

HUH?

In the following scene, Lucy arrives in the War Room, instantly breaking the binding curse on Katherine, and handing her the Moonstone.  But when Lucy hands Katherine the stone, Katherine falls to the ground seizing. 

“You should have told me the other witch involved was a Bennett,” remarks Lucy, as Katherine goes still.

Lucy informs the brothers that the curse is broken, and Elena will heal.   She then goes outside to Bonnie, and tells her the truth.  Lucy was only working for Katherine, because she had a debt that needed repayment.  Katherine had apparently saved her life once. 

But Bonnie is Lucy’s family, so she comes first.  Because Lucy is a Bennett witch too!

“Seeing you was a wake up call,” explains Lucy.  “I have got to stop letting vampires control my life.”

“I have so many questions,” says Bonnie.  “How do I stay out of all this[vampire sh*t]?”

“You are one of the good ones,” Lucy explains.   “Right in the middle is where you need to be.   It was nice meeting you.  You’ll see me again.”  The witch promises before disappearing into the woods.

Then Mini Gilbert MAGICALLY APPEARS .  . .

He gallantly offers the Little Witch a ride home.  Bonnie didn’t even know he had a drivers’ license!  “I’m not a kid anymore,” remarks Scrappy Doo.

Then, the future couple ride off  into the sunset, in Jeremy’s Super Fly Ride . . .

For reasons I didn’t quite understand (not that I’m complaining – Damon and Elena FOR THE WIN!) Elena stays broken up with Stefan, even though the purported reason for their breakup is now out of the picture.  When Stefan confronts her about her decision, Elena rattles off some nonsense about needing to “feel safe.” 

(Riiiight, because being single and alone, when you are a Magnet of Trouble, is WAY safer than having a kickass Body Guard Boyfriend who can snap your attackers’ necks, as easily as he can tie his shoes . . .) 

Umm Stefan?  I hate to be the one to break this to you, but . . .

 . . . quite possibly because she’s into him . . .

“MY TURN!  Cheers!”

(My sincere apologies to Stelena fans, who are undoubtedly cursing me underneath their breaths right now.  Really, I mean you no harm!  I like Stefan.  I DO!  I just like Damon MORE  But, even YOU have to admit, that Breakup Excuse was kind of lame . . .)

Speaking of Damon, he made the awesome decision to NOT kill Katherine, and instead, to lock her up the same tomb she SHOULD have been in all those years ago.  “Death would have been too kind,” growls Damon.  “The writers would also really like the opportunity to bring you back next year around Sweeps Week, and if you were Dead Dead, they couldn’t do that.”

“Elena’s in danger,” Katherine warns from inside the tomb.

“You lie.  You will always lie,” Damon seethes.

“Why do you think I never killed her, when I had the chance?  She’s my doppelganger.  She needs to be protected.”  Katherine adds convincingly.

“Then I’ll protect her,” Damon replies without a second thought, a few choice images, undoubtedly running through his head, and ours as he utters those powerful words  . . .

“And YOU will ROT IN HELL!”  Damon explains decisively, as he locks the tomb.

Damon pointedly ignores Katherine’s screams of “You need me,” as he walks off into the darkness . . .

As it turns out, Damon may have done well to listen a bit better to Kat, for once.  Because, in the final scene of the episode, as Elena walks alone to her car, she is kidnapped by THIS WEIRDO . . .

There you go, Elena.  Yet another Damsel in Distress moment for YOU!  So much for “BEING SAFE!”

[www.juliekushner.com]

The Vampire Diaries’ Love Bites: Who’s YOUR favorite “ship”?

My blogger pal, Cherie, who gave me the fabulous idea for this post, once said, that TV Couple Fangirling for women, is like Sports Team Fandom for men . . . and other women . . .  I guess.

  After all, both pasttimes involve obsessive television watching, and vicarious living through people we admire.  So what if Sports Team Fans analyze plays and stats, while we analyze longing looks and kisses?  It all comes from the heart!

Therefore, in the spirit of Team Fandom, I would like to take this time out to pay homage to the various couples, and prospective couples, that populate what has quickly become my favorite television show, The Vampire Diaries.  After all, vampires, werewolves, ugly rings, and random parties aside, at its core, TVD is a show about interpersonal relationships.  And while EVERY relationship in this show is unique and special, I’d like to focus on a choice few that really spark my interest.  They are: (1) Damon and Elena; (2) Stefan and Elena; (3) Stefan and Katherine; (4) Damon and Katherine; (5) Damon and Bonnie; (6) Stefan and Caroline; and (8) Jeremy and Tyler.

So, without further adieu, LET THE SHIPPER GAMES BEGIN!

Damon and Elena – Team Delena

The players: 

DAMON

He is a 160 some odd-year old vampire, who just had his heart broken, by the woman he has loved and pined over for about 150-years!  He tends to mask his feelings of heartbreak and loneliness with humor, sarcasm, an “I don’t care” attitude, and the excessive consumption of liquids, both alcohol and otherwise.  Lest that lead you to believe that Damon is a one-note character — trust me, he is NOT!

Damon is a guy who loved life, and loves undeath even more.  He believes in living both to the fullest.  And he is not afraid of breaking the rules . . . or bashing them in with a sledge hammer . . .  to do it. 

Damon is also a good friend, who is unfailingly loyal, and more than willing to do whatever it takes to help you out of a bad situation.  Many struggle with the dark sides of their humanity.  Damon is fine with his!  It’s the “light side” that’s taken him some getting used to . . .

ELENA

She was a cheerleader and popular party gal, who began to question her fun- loving ways, when both of her parents were killed in a tragic accident.  She is maternal, almost to a fault, and fiercely protective of the people she loves.  Elena is a strong and intelligent woman, unfailingly honest, and more than a bit spunky.  If you get out of line, she’s not at all afraid to put you in your place.  And yet, she is also a hopeless romantic — one of the few people left in this world who still believes in True Love.

Their story:

Those of you who have read this blog before, know that I have a soft spot in my heart for Damon and Elena, or, as I like to call them Delena.  In fact, I have written an ENTIRE blog post dedicated to solely to the evolution of their relationship.  Because I have limited space, I’d rather not repeat myself too much here.  Please go read my other post! 🙂

Suffice it to say that, throughout Season 1, we watched this pair evolve from wary strangers . . . to friends . . .to people who kept calling themselves “friends,” but were so OBVIOUSLY in love with one another, it’s not even funny . . . to enemies (who are still pretty much in love with eachother).  And, just recently, they have begun their journey back to friendship again. 

Trust is the foundation of Damon’s and Elena’s relationship. When trust is high, like when Damon saved Elena from a car accident with a vampire, or when he, on two occasions, refused to compel her, even though he had the opportunity, Damon and Elena are on fire.  But when it is low, like when Damon tried to kill Elena’s brother Jeremy (OOPS!) . . .

 . . . well, let’s just say, things can get a bit dicey between these two.

Why you should ship them?

Read my other post!  Read my other post!   Damon and Elena are two sides of the same coin.  Both are good souls, who are hiding a portion of themselves to protect their hearts.  He hides his light.  She hides her darkness. 

Because of this, the pair have an innate understanding of one another — one that doesn’t require words.  A smouldering sexy look can say volumes!  It is this special connection they have to one another, that allowed Elena to see Damon’s humanity, even when Damon’s own brother could not. 

As if that wasn’t enough, being with Damon allows Elena to let her guard down.  With him, she can be silly and fun-loving.  She can be herself.  Did I mention these two are INSANELY HOT together?  Or that the electricity between them can power an ENTIRE CITY?  

Don’t believe me?  Check out this fan video, and see for yourself.

Stefan and Elena – Team Stelena

The players:

(Note: For a description of Elena, see above)

STEFAN

As far as vampires go, he’s about as “gentlemanly” as they come.  Up until recently, he has prided himself on sticking an exclusively “No Human” diet.  That means, all woodland creatures, ALL THE TIME!

For many years, Stefan hated the part of himself that thrived on blood.  His penchant toward self-hatred and self-sacrifice some caused problems for him toward the middle of season 1, when he developed a very nasty addiction to to human blood, after years of abstaining. 

Lately, however, Stefan has begun to come to terms with who and what he is.   He’s even started to have a bit of fun with it.

Just like that OTHER vampire, from those OTHER books, who shall remain nameless, Stefan is quite the sensitive bloodsucker.  He cares about the people around him, and will sacrifice anything to protect them from harm.  Stefan is a bit more serious-minded than his brother Damon.  As such, he tends to be more rule-abiding, and more inclined to avoid violence whenever possible.  And yet, Stefan has a definite darkside.  Mess with his brother, or with his girl, and Dark Stefan will DEFINITELY come out to play.

“Heeeeeeeeeeere’s Steffy!”

Their story:

From the moment they met, Stefan and Elena had an instant connection and attraction.  They practically couldn’t resist being together.   Considering Stefan is undead, he and Elena actually had quite the traditional initial courtship.  However, the pair started to run into problems, when Elena learned that Stefan was keeping secrets from her, about his true identity, his origins, and his VERY old flame.

But the pair ultimately survived these obstacles.  And it was a good thing, too!  Elena needed Stefan to save her life, on many occasions.  And Stefan needed Elena to help him battle his human blood addiction.  Now, with Vampire Katherine back, they need eachother more than ever .  . .

Why ship them?

Stefan and Elena are SO MUCH ALIKE!  They are both sensitive, and fiercely protective of the ones they love.  They are both good souls, who despise violence, and avoid evil at all costs.  They even both keep diaries, for heaven sakes!  Not to mention, everytime these two make love, it is the sexiest, sweetest, softcore porn you have EVER SEEN.!

Check them out!

Stefan and Katherine – Team Kefan

The players:

(Note: For a description of Stefan, see above.)

KATHERINE

Katherine’s been a vampire for a LOOOONG time.  And no one does it better than she does.  Katherine loves every part of being undead, the blood-drinking, the immortality, the super-human strength, the ability to control minds . . .  all of it. 

 She’s a girl who’s not afraid to use her assets to get what she wants, and is more than willing to cheat, manipulate, steal, kill, or screw to do it.  As Damon once said of Katherine, she LOVES to play games.  And she is quite the player . . .

Their story:

Katherine first met Stefan back in 1864, when she began residing in his parents’ house, after the supposed “death” of her parents (which probably happened about 100 years prior).  Almost immediately, the two became engaged in a whirlwind courtship.  Despite the fact that Katherine was carrying on a relationship with Damon at the same the time, she swears to, this day, that her love for Stefan was real. 

When Stefan first found out that Katherine was a vampire, he was disgusted.  And so, to keep their relationship going, Katherine began to compel Stefan, even going as far as to feed her his blood, during their hot sex sessions.  When Katherine is found out by the town as a vampire, she is hunted by Stefan’s own father, a “pillar of the community.”  Stefan is shot, while trying to saving Katherine’s life.   However, because he unwittingly fed on her blood during his lifetime, he ultimately transitions into a vampire.  The change happens shortly after Katherine’s disappearance.

Now, Katherine is back.  She claims that she has returned, solely to rekindle her relationship with Stefan, who she “always loved.”  But is she telling the truth?

Why ship them?

“You hate me, Stefan?  That sounds like the beginning of a love story, not the end of one.”

Nothing says loving like Hot Hate Sex, and these two are destined to have it at some point during the series (preferably sooner, than later).  Pardon me for saying, but am I the only one that thinks Stefan “doth protest too much” when he says he never truly loved Katherine?  She was his first love.  And your first love is something you never really get over . . .

Sure, she’s more than a little evil.  But, if you know this show, you know that no character is ALL good, or ALL bad.  I suspect there is more to Katherine than meets the eye . . .

Aside from that, have you SEEN these two together lately?  They are hardcore HOT!   As you know, Stefan and Katherine are both vampires.  In fact, she’s older and stronger than he is.  This allows Stefan to be “harder and tougher” (wink, wink) when handling Katherine, than he is with Elena.  He can let his guard down with Katherine, because he never has to worry about “hurting or breaking” her.

This carefree quality extends to every interaction the pair have with one another.  When Stefan is with Katherine, he is tough, sarcastic, and, sometimes downright mean.  But, BOY is he FUN!

Damon and Katherine – Team Kamon

The players:

(Note: Descriptions of BOTH Katherine and Damon can be found above)

Their story:

Like Stefan, Damon met, and began dating, Katherine back in 1864.  But, unlike Stefan, Damon had a bit less trouble coping with the news that Katherine was a vampire.  Although he swears that she never compelled him, we learned, in a recent flashback, that this was not, in fact the case.  Nevertheless, we can assume that Damon was more open to the dark side of Katherine’s nature than Stefan was, during that time.

Damon was so crushed when he thought that Katherine had burned to death, that he wanted to die himself, rather than make the final transition to vampire. 

Though he slept with many women throughout the years, Katherine was Damon’s only true love until he met Elena.  He pined for her endlessly, and risked everything to break into that underground tomb and rescue her, even if it meant unleashing 30-some odd hungry vampires onto Mystic Falls.

When Damon found out Katherine wasn’t in that tomb, he launched himself, headfirst, into a downward spiral of drunkeness and despair.  And when Katherine returned, and rejected his love, he did something far worse . . .

Why ship them?

If Elena is the female Stefan.  Than Damon is the male Katherine.  These two are exactly alike.  They LOVE being vampires.  They love “living,” and they are not afraid to get a little messy to get what they want. 

Oh, and they LOVE, LOVE, LOVE long, hot, clothes-ripping, earth-shattering, forget-your-name afterwards SEX!

Damon and Bonnie – Team Bamon

The players:

(Note: For a description of Damon, see above.)

BONNIE

Bonnie led a pretty normal life.  That is, until recently, when she found out her best friend was dating a vampire, and that she was a witch.  Throughout Season 1, we’ve watched her learn to use her powers to help her friends.  She opened the tomb thought to contain Katherine, upon Damon’s request.  And, recently, she charmed a ring that would allow new vampire Caroline to be able to walk in the sun.

But Bonnie took the death of her grandmother, caused indirectly by the tomb opening spell, which the pair performed together, very badly.  She took her anger out on Elena, and began to REALLY despise vampires.  With her new found powers, she is now quite the headache for Damon and Stefan, both literally, and figuratively.

Their story:

To say that Bonnie’s and Damon’s relationship is an antagonistic one is a total understatement.  Ever since Bonnie’s grandmother died from over-exertion, opening that tomb for Damon, she has thwarted him at every turn.  She’s tricked him into believing a magical weapon against him was harmless, before giving it to his enemies.  She gives him massive headaches with her magical mind meld.

She even tried to SET HIM ON FIRE!

And yet, when it comes to helping their mutual friends, Elena and Caroline, Bonnie is big enough to put aside her personal feelings, even if that means making some very dangerous deals with the devil . . .

Why ship them?

Remember what Katherine said about “Hate being the beginning of a love story?”  I think that might very well apply here.  Damon and Bonnie are both very PASSIONATE people.  That passion comes out when they fight with eachother.  Bonnie is a worthy adversary of Damon’s.  And she will definitely keep him from getting out of line, even if she has to kill him to do it.

Stefan and Caroline – Team Staroline

The players:

(Note: For a description of Stefan, see above.)

CAROLINE

Like Bonnie, when we first meet Caroline, she seems pretty normal, all things considered.  She’s blonde, pretty, popular, and a cheerleader.  She’s also a bit of a Mean Girl, a tad neurotic, and has major issues with jealousy.  Of all the characters on the show, Caroline has probably undergone the biggest transformation, since her first appearance in the pilot episode.

Throughout the show’s brief run so far, we have watched a seemingly vapid, and often whiny, Caroline transition from a b*tchy alpha teen, to a mind-altered victim of Damon’s whims . . .

  . . . to a loving girlfriend . . .

 . . . to a kickass vampire, willing to sacrifice real love, and her relationship with her mother, to protect the lives of the people she cares about.

Their story:

Believe it or not, it was Caroline, not Elena, who first noticed Stefan, when he arrived as a “new student” at Mystic Falls high.   It was she who did the initial research about him, which she shared with Elena, during the pilot episode.  After that, the pair developed a sweet, if tentative, friendship.  But lately, that friendship has blossomed into something more special.

When Caroline woke up alone in a hospital, a new vampire, confused and frightened by her new abilities, she needed guidance.  And Stefan was there to give it to her.  He saved Caroline from death by staking.  He then, gradually, taught her how to live among humans. 

Stefan taught Caroline to hunt.  He protected her from a werewolf attack.  And, of course, he gave her advice on life and love.  “I’m not going to let anything happen to you,” Stefan whispered to Caroline, on her first fateful night as a vampire.

And, so far, he hasn’t . . .

Why ship them?

Like Katherine, Caroline brings out something in Stefan, that Elena can’t.  And that something is good old-fashioned goofiness.  Ever since he’s started paling around with Caroline, Stefan smiles and jokes more.  These two are comfortable around one another.  They have an easygoing relationship, and often exchange light- hearted and witty banter.  Caroline and Stefan find eachother’s flaws endearing — a trait that is VERY important, when embarking on a long-term relationship.

And besides, we all know that some of the BEST loves spring from friendship . . .

Jeremy and Tyler – Team Jyler

The players:

JEREMY

Can we really blame Jeremy for “switching teams,” after he’s had such TREMENDOUSLY bad luck with women?  First his mom dies.  Then his girlfriend, Vicki, gets turned to a vampire.  Then she dies.  Then he meets another vampire, Anna.

He quickly falls in love with her.  And the two begin a romantic, and, eventually, sexual relationship.  Then, you guessed it, SHE DIES!

Initially, Jeremy’s Big Sis Elena kept him mainly in the dark about all things supernatural.  But lately, she’s been letting Jeremy in on a few secrets.  And she BETTER!  Because supernatural creatures seem to keep TRYING TO KILL HIM!

In terms of personality, I guess you can describe Jeremy as being a bit Emo, but in a good way.  He’s still a hopeless romantic, despite all the obstacles that have been thrown his way.  Jeremy is also an artist, with a penchant for drawing vampires and werewolves.  (Gee, I wonder why?)  He used to be into drugs a bit, but we think that’s over and done with now. 

In short, Jeremy is basically a good kid, who’s gotten a REALLY raw deal, lately.  If anyone deserves some happiness on this show, it’s him.

TYLER

When we first met Tyler, he seemed like kind of a dick.  He was a druggie, and a bully.  He had rage issues, and like to beat the crap out of people, especially Jeremy. 

But lately, the writers have engendered in us fans some sympathy for the character.  Tyler had an abusive dad, who recently died.  He also has this Werewolf Curse hanging over his head. 

Lately, Tyler has shown an ability to care for people.  He saved Stefan and Caroline from a werewolf attack.  And he has bonded with Uncle Mason, and with Jeremy.  In short, Tyler got a long way to go, but the dude’s got potential.

Their story:

Jeremy and Tyler got off to kind of a rough start.  They hung out in the same social circle, but weren’t friends, by any means.  The fact that they both were in love with the same girl, certainly didn’t help matters.

Tyler and Jeremy have come to physical blows with one another on more one occasion, with the stronger Tyler usually having the upper hand.  And yet, in the way that “manly men” do, the pair always seem to come to an understanding with one another, when all is said and done. 

Jeremy sees a bit of himself in Tyler, as both men are no strangers to pain and alienation.  “You don’t have to be like this,” Jeremy said to Tyler once, after an argument.  (We’d like to think that’s true.)

Just recently, Jeremy comforted Tyler, regarding the loss of his father.  In return, Tyler invited Jeremy to his home, and confided in him about his family’s Werewolf Curse.  One might even consider these two friends.  Or, perhaps, something more . . .

Why ship them?

In the words of Jerry MacGuire, I think these two “complete” one another.  Tyler is strong, where Jeremy is vulnerable.  Jeremy is sensitive, while Tyler is crass, and tends to hide his true feelings. 

These two men share similar experiences, when it comes to loss and rejection.  Like Damon and Elena, they have this unique unspoken connection with one another.  Jeremy and Tyler are two VERY intense individuals.  And when they fight . . . well . . . it’s kinda hot.

So, there you have it, the EIGHT main “ships” from The Vampire Diaries.  Which one are YOU on?  And what do you think are that ship’s chances are of “staying afloat” this season?

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