Gossip Girl is DEAD . . . and a Donut?! – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s SERIES Finale

“I’m Mini Bass.”

My dear GGers.  I know I’ve been a bit remiss this season about recapping the trials and tribulations of our favorite Upper East Siders.  (OK . . . I haven’t recapped them at all.)

However, seeing as Gossip Girl uttered her final XOXO earlier this week, I felt I couldn’t possibly bid the series a fond adieu, without at least offering up some final words .  . . consider it a eulogy, of sorts.

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In which Bart Bass proves that Evil Old Men can fly . .  . and die.

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Here’s a philosophical question for you. If a man falls from the roof of a heavily populated skyscraper, onto a busy street, and no one sees him go splat (or is squashed by him), did it really happen?

Last week, we all laughed inappropriately at the sight of Chuck Bass battling his Big Bad Dad on the roof, as “SCARY” Music swelled awkwardly in the background.  We marveled at how a single push from Chuck, who, let’s face it, has never exactly been the athletic type . . .

Bass-ketball, anyone?

. . . was enough to send NotDonaldTrump soaring over the side of the skyscraper, like an inept super villain in the final pages of a comic book.

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“Just hanging out . . .”

Then, we giggled as Blair and Chuck did all but throw the man a Going Away Party as the Big Bass-tard plummeted to his death.

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Hey, that was actually kind of fun to watch.  Let’s see that again . . .

I know.  I’m a terrible person.  Moving on . . .

Perhaps, all the hot air that filled Bart Bass’s head facilitated a surprisingly smooth landing.  Because, not only did the real estate magnate’s dive-bombing body not cause ANY damage whatsoever to the streets below, the sheet that is now covering it is conspicuously free of blood.  Talk about a classy way to go!  Then again, Bart Bass is what some would call an Expert Die-r.  He’s done this before . . .

Reporters are now on the scene.  And police are questioning everyone on the Upper East Side, even going as far as to stop limos leaving the party where Bart Bass was last seen.  Of course, they are only checking the back seats of those limos . . . not the trunks.  After all, why would someone who just committed murder hide away in the trunk of a car?  That would be silly!

Possible conception spot for Henry Bass?

Yes, boys and girls, Chuck and Blair are ON THE LAM!  (I’ve always wanted to say that.)

They’ve turned themselves into a modern-day Bonnie and Clyde.  You know how I know?  Because the song playing in the background on Gossip Girl says so!

In which everyone finds out Bart Bass is dead, and Chuck is a suspect, except . . . you know . . . THE GUY WHO OWNS THE NEWSPAPER!

Oh dear sweet Nate, with your permanently glassy (but still very pretty) blue eyes from a decade of pot smoking ./ . . and your equal opportunity boning of tweens and cougars alike . . . you must seriously be the WORST NEWSPAPER MAN EVER!  OK . . . OK, I know you are dating a 17-year old.  And she probably told you that using pretty-colored handwritten index cards to study once helped her earn a B+ on a very hard exam about the Civil War.  But seriously?  This is how you choose to solve the mystery of Gossip Girl’s identity?  No wonder it took you five years!

Also, hey I majored in journalism   write a blog  watched Newsroom a few times on HBO!  I know that all major news outlets get blasts on the wire, before everybody else.  Not Nate though.  He has to get a call from Ivy/Charlie/CallMeSerena telling him to turn on the television, where Bart’s death has made prime time.  Nate Archibald, you’ve just been scooped . . . again.

I like how uniformly uncooperative the rest of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, and their respective parental units, are when the police come snooping around for C and B, especially since it seems like most of them are 100% certain their friends / children are guilty of murder.  Now that’s what I call true friendship.  If I had to choose a favorite brush-off of the po-po, however, I’d probably have to go with Nate.  I mean, it takes a real true blue friend to tell a cop.  “Yes, there’s a rather young looking woman in my bedroom.  And yes, it’s quite obvious I’m sleeping with her, which I know is statutory rape.  But no, she can’t talk to you about Chuck Bass, Mr Policeman, because she is much too young.

“Do you think we can hurry this up?  Spongebob Squarepants is on in three minutes.”

Speaking of super sneaky legal loopholes . . .

“It’s twisted, but very you . . .”

“Peekaboob!”

Chuck and Blair are holed up in a hotel . . . ON THE LAM (Twice in one recap, WOO HOO!).  And who should pop in with a tray he stole from room service (probably after schtupping the maid), but a surprisingly twiggy looking Jack Bass?    (Oh, seeing these three individuals in a hotel room together, brings back bad memories.  No me gusta.)

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Turns out, the dude put a tracking device on Chuck Bass’ limo, just for sh*ts and giggles.  You know, because that’s not creepy at all . . .

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Anywhoo, since Blair is the only person on the entire planet who saw Chuck, not so much kill Bart, as huff and puff and blow his body off the building, Jack comes up with the idea that the two should get married!

This will enable the pair to take advantage of the spousal privilege laws that prevent husbands and wives from testifying against one another in court.  It will also serve as a massive apology to Chair fans, who have suffered through Blair’s ill-fated pseudo-romantic relationships with the likes of a Louis-bot and  a certain doughy pastry, who shall remain not-so-nameless.

“It’s twisted, but it’s very you,” Jack Bass muses.

(It’s also the Graysons on Revenge.  Spousal privilege marriages are SO the new Greencard Marriages.)

Chuck is bothered by this.  He wants the love of his life to have the wedding of her dreams.  Blair reminds him that she did that already, back last season when she married the cyborg with the weird accent, thus proving that dreams are usually VERY overrated.

She also reminds Chuck of this memorable moment between them . . .

Upon being reminded that he and Blair aren’t a boring couple .  . . like say Louis-bot and Blair . . . or Blair and You Know Who, Chuck decides to propose again.  And why not?  He knows this is the only realistic way to get him and Blair married off and spawning during this abridged final hour of television, amidst about 30 minutes of those cloying Carrie Diaries commercials loves this woman, and wants to spent the rest of his life with her.  The ends therefore, definitely justify the shady means . . .

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Meanwhile, on some private jet . . .

In which Serena forgives Donut way too quickly, despite never actually receiving an apology (or a retraction)

Call me callous.  But if someone published really crappy things about me in Vanity Fair for the world to read.  And then he sent me some nice words about me that he never planned to publish, I would probably use the paper containing those “nice words” as toilet paper, the next time I really had to pee.

But I guess Serena is a better person than me . . . or at least a dumber one.  Because all it takes is a few kind paper words from Donut Dan.  And, suddenly, girlfriend has abandoned her private jet to LaLa land (must be nice), and returned to the “villain’s” apartment for “answers,” and, I suspect, a hopeful shot at makeup sex.

“I also have very little self respect.  Shhh!”

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Now, maybe it’s just because I’m not a big Dan Fan.  But, honestly, I didn’t find the guy’s apology all that “apologetic.”  Basically, Dan’s explanation for why he wrote terrible things about Serena was because he developed a crush on her sophomore year, to the tunes of Rihanna’s Pon de Replay, and has been stalking her ass ever since?  That sounds more like a confession of guilt to me.  But hey, at least it gave us the opportunity to see Flashback!Chuck and Flashback!Nate in HIDEOUS wigs, and hear Flashback!Blair utter the words “Happy Barf Day!”

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Elsewhere in Manhattan . . .

Ivy Dickens, Queen of the Swamp People, star of “Nobody Gives a Damn”

Question: If a woman who is always boning younger guys is called a cougar, what do you call a young woman with a penchant for humping fogies?  Cougarthritis?

Maybe you just call her Charlie/Ivy/CallmeSerena . . .

Yeah, poor St. Ives . . . She thought the death of Bart Bass meant a beginning of public bliss for her and the perpetually sniveling Dr. VDW.  But, in a classic case of Turnabout is Fair Poison Ivy, the good doctor — who once tried to poison his ex wife, in order to get her to love him again — was only using Ivy to get to Lily, just as Ivy was using Rufus for the exact same reason . . . well sort of . . .

Be careful, VDW.  This chick has bunny burner written all over her . . .

So you could imagine how mortified / miserable Ivy became when Dr. VDW denied their relationship ever existed, in front of none other than Miss Lily herself.  “You’re a Lifetime movie called ‘Nobody Gives a Damn,’ the Ivy Dickens story.  Actually, I think I saw that one before.  Didn’t Tori Spelling star in it?

Just as hilarious is Dr. VDW’s assessment that Ivy’s Florida roots made her “Queen of the Swamp People.”  There is always a certain type of New Yorker, who believes that any residence outside of the five boroughs is basically Hillbilly town.  VDW is definitely one of those dudes.  He’s a total douche, but at least he’s damn funny.  Maybe they should have made him Gossip Girl . . .

The Quick and The Wed

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I don’t know about you.  But if I had a bunch of cops out looking for me, and I didn’t want to be found, the absolute last place I’d go would be the local courthouse.  But that’s where Chuck and Blair go to get their quickie marriage license.  (Now, come on.  I know it’s not Vegas. But there’s gotta be at least one of those crazy drive-thru chapel’s in Manhattan.  Just saying . . .)

Once their marriage is legal, Chuck and Blair decide to make it official, inviting all of their friends for an impromptu wedding over at . . . of all places THE MET!  How fitting!  Chuck even gives Blair an Egyptian Snake ring to seal the deal.  It’s no Harry Winston.  That’s for sure.  But in a way, like the circumstances surrounding their marriage, it’s . . . wait for it . . . “twisted, but totally them.”

At the wedding Dan magically gives Worst Newsman Ever Nate a Vanity Fair piece on Gossip Girl, and Nate acts like he’s just received inside information on the taking down of Osama Bin Laden.  (Knowing Nate, he probably isn’t even aware that’s happened yet.)  He gets his high school girlfriend to publish the scoop on his behalf (because, you know, Nate’s “staff” only consists of people he porks), and turns his attention back to the wedding.

When the Newsie overhears Mini Blair and Mini Serena (remember those two?) on the steps of the Met complaining that Gossip Girl never published their scoop on Chuck and Blair’s quickie wedding, Nate FINALLY puts two and two together, and figures out that . . . DAN . . . IS . . . GOSSIP GIRL!

But then the girls end up reporting C&B to the police.  (INGRATES!)  And now it’s race against the clock to get them “kiss the briding” in time.  Chuck dips Blair into a triumphant kiss, uttering his trademark, “three words, eight letters” line just moments before the cops take him and his new bride away.  Part of me kind of wishes that, when the cops came for “Blair Waldorf,” she would have announced “I’m Blair Bass,” in true “Mrs. Chuck” style.

But she didn’t.  I guess Blair isn’t really the type to take a man’s last name, even if it’s Chuck Bass’.  Oh well . . .

It’s Donut Dan’s Coming Out Party, and YOU’RE Invited

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Hilarity ensues, when Nate’s cheeseball newspaper outs Dan Humphrey as Gossip Girl, and we get to watch all the show’s past guest stars react.  “I always thought it was Dorota,” exclaims Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

(Sure, blame the maid.  Typical New York politician . . .)

“That B*TCH!” Announces Agnes, that chick who once burned Little Jenny Humphrey’s fashion designs in an outdoor trashcan  . . .

Juliet and Vanessa are also shocked,  but not quite as shocked as Rachel Bilson and the voice of GG herself, Kristen Bell, who in a highly meta scene, play themselves auditioning for the film version of Dan’s book, Inside.  “Gossip Girl is real?”  Bilson exclaims, as Kristen Bell offers an exaggerated wink at the camera.

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Oh Veronica Mars!  I haven’t had this much fun watching you on my screen, since that one time when you killed Sookie Stackhouse .  . .

. . .  or that other time when you got really, REALLY excited about a sloth . . .

Plothole, Schmathole.  It’s the FINALE!

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OK.  Now despite having never been a Dan Fan, there are some things I really like about his character ending up being Gossip Girl.  For one thing, unlike that goopy love letter he wrote to Serena that somehow ended up in the New Yorker, during Season 1, or that crap Dair fanfiction we know better as Dan’s first “novel” Inside,  the fact that Dan, even at the young age of 16, was able to so seamlessly mimic the voice of a snooty Upper East Side female actually makes him a GOOD writer.  This show has always been telling us, ad nauseum, that Dan had talent, but this is the first and only time I actually believe it.

And yeah, that “talent” also makes him a sociopath . . . one that most likely has multiple personality disorder.

It’s the only possible explanation for his sending blasts to Gossip Girl, and acting visibly surprised when they hit his own e-mail, despite being alone at the time he received them.  Or how about that time when Gossip Girl outed Dan for porking a teacher?  Or the time when Dan porked the Hillary Duff character, and Gossip Girl knew she was an actress back when she first appeared, but it took “Dan” weeks to figure it out . . .  Let’s not forget that the whole time Dan dated Blair, Gossip Girl thought she was a better match for Chuck . . .

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It’s actually pretty clear that the writers hadn’t decided on the identity of Gossip Girl, until at least early Season 5, despite their protests to the contrary.

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But hey, now we just have another reason to re-rent those DVD’s and prove them wrong right?  From a marketing perspective, choosing Dan as Gossip Girl was actually pretty genius . . .

Oh, and I did like the idea that Little J knew that Dan was Gossip Girl, and used it to her own advantage, like when she wanted to challenge Blair as Queen B, and when she wanted to leave town, after her unfortunate virginity slicing rendezvous with Chuck . . .

In short, those Humpty Dumpty’s really were the ultimate scheming social climbers .  . . something we’ve really always secretly suspected,  back in Season 1.

But what I don’t understand is why everyone but Blair was totally cool with it, especially considering how many times Gossip Girl ruined each of their lives, while Donut Dan sat idly by and feigned moral anguish?

I guess considering the guy has already lambasted the entire Upper East Side crew, first in a national bestseller, and then in Vanity Fair, nothing would surprise them about this douche.

And yet, when Dan triumphantly announced that Gossip Girl is dead, part of me wishes the entire cast pulled out their carving knives and killed him.  Now THAT would have been a cool ending . . .

A Derena Wedding and the Most Adorable Mini Bass EVER

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Flash forward five years into the future.  Chuck and Blair are happily married with the best-cast child star EVER as their kid “Henry Bass.”  (a clever nod to Chuck’s days living in Europe under the pseudonym “Henry Prince”).

But where was Monkey?

“I’ve been replaced by a child star.  GRRR!”

Blair has taken over Waldorf designs, with none other than Jenny Humphrey herself, as her prime fashion designer . . .

(She’s come a long way since her days as a rabid raccoon . . .)

(Though, honestly, these two’s fashion senses couldn’t be more disparate, so I’m not really sure how that works.)

Lily is married to Dr. VDW again.  And Rufus is married to . . . wait for it . . . Lisa LOEB.  Remember her?

All those years, and girlfriend never bought a new pair of glasses . . .

Jack Bass hooked up with Georgina Sparks, which kind of works, considering they are pretty much both the same person.

(Though I do wonder what happened to Baby Milo and that “Nice Guy” she used to call her husband.)

Nate is single, but running for MAYOR?!

(And you said Gossip Girl wasn’t funny!)

Eric VDW is back from the set of Revenge, and spouting some facial hair.  But he’s single too.

And how could we forget Charlie/Ivy/CallMeSerena Dickens?

He’s PSYCHIC!

Oh, and it took five years, but Serena finally married Gossip Girl.  Ahhh . . . a gay wedding, in more ways than one . . .

Even Donuts deserve love . . .

In the episode’s final moments, Kristen Bell reprises her role as the voice of Gossip Girl one more time, only this time around she’s the voice of a NEW GENERATION of Upper East Siders.  And so what was once old has theoretically become new again.

All in all it was a flawed but fitting end to a series with which us fans, I suspect, all have a pretty complicated relationship . . . much like the relationship it’s main characters have with one another.  We loved it. . .

We hated it . . .

We were aroused . . .

We were nauseated . . .

We wanted more . . .

We wanted it to end . . .

But through all the ups and downs, Gossip Girl will remain an important part of my TV viewing history . . . one that I suspect will send me clamoring back to YouTube for nostalgia’s sake, for years to come.  And for that I have the show’s cast, its crew, its costume designers, and, yes, even its writers to thank.

They all know we love them, and will miss them terribly.  XOXO,

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever 2]

Gossip Girl Season 5 Through the Looking Glass – A look at where all our UES’ers left off, and what this means for the show’s final season . . .

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Greetings Upper East Siders!  Well, it’s been a long and bumpy ride (complete with about 50 bad decisions, 30 meta-references to previous seasons, 25 questionable fashion choices, 3 different Gossip Girls, a car accident, a dead baby, a cyborg wedding, and Dan’s hair).

But we’ve made it to the end of another season of Gossip Girl. 

With only ten episodes (and one retrospective) remaining in the entire series, “The Return of the Ring” was arguably GG’s most important episode to date!  After all, where each of these characters landed at the end of the episode will undoubtedly play a major role in determining their Ultimate Destination.  For some characters, their futures are looking quite bright . . .

For others?  Not so much . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

Nate Archibald

For the Upper East Side’s resident genius . . .

. . . Season 5 (like every season before it) was mainly about the ladies.  First there was the Cougar . . .

Then, the Imposter . . .

And, finally the Ingenue . . .

But with Diana out of the Country, Ivy still largely persona non-grata with the NJBC, and Lola headed out of town to be a Flying Monkey or something . . . Nate’s sure to find himself with a pair of these, this summer . . .

And yet that newfound loneliness will give him all the time and energy he needs to set his sights on yet another lady . . . one who’s arguably more important to the Upper East Side than all of Nate’s other  recent women combined . . . Gossip Girl.

That’s right!  Thanks to a  surprise video tip from Diana, our pretty little intrepid journalist might just be hot on GG’s trail.  The question is what will he do when he finds her?  Take her down?  Or take her to bed?  The answer to that question will likely comprise Nate’s journey through Gossip Girl’s final season.

Who are we kidding?  We know he’s going to f*&k her.  XOXO, indeed!

As for Gossip Girl herself, I have a little theory on who she might be . . .

Penelope Shafai

Lately, I’ve been concocting this theory that Minion #1, Penelope has been Gossip Girl, all along. Think about it. She’s the only character that’s been on the show consistently since the pilot episode, who isn’t part of main cast. For five seasons, she’s been close enough to the NJBC to obtain the information she needs to do the job, but distant enough from them to avoid detection.

As further evidence of my case, in this, the latest episode of Gossip Girl, Penelope was found with her well-manicured fingers all over Blair Waldorf’s precious diaries.  Later, she allied with the Queen B’s frenemy Serena, to keep Blair from attending the Shepard’s Divorce Party,  and possibly reuniting with the Donut.  Wouldn’t it be ironic, if the same minion Blair has hired time and time again, to put out the fires Gossip Girl has set on her life, actually ended up being Gossip Girl, herself . .

However, while I’ve been long suspecting Penelope of being the Girl Behind the Laptop, many of YOU have set your sights on another of Nate’s ladies . . .

Lola Rhodes

Never one to be fully comfortable with the World of Wealth and Privilege her family and Nate inhabited, for Lola, the absolute last straw was learning that her Aunt Lily, had sabotaged her mother’s legal defense, by hiring an attorney to take on and subsequently botch her case.  So, this week, Lola decided to turn over her recently inherited share of Grandma Cece’s estate to, her former imposter, Ivy, of all people.

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(And why not?  Cece bequested it to HER, in the first place.)  Lola’s only precondition to the payout?  That Ivy use it to bring down the Malevolent Lily van der Woodsen  Bass Humphrey Bass . . .

As for Lola herself, after turning down Nate’s invitation to move in with her, she ended the episode by heading off on tour with the Broadway show Wicked as a “swing” . . . a.k.a. a perpetual Flying Monkey or munchkin.  Rumor has it, we won’t be  seeing her again any time soon . . .

Ivy Dickens

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Unlike her pseudo alter ego, Lola,  Ivy always seemed to fit quite well into the Upper East Side world.  In fact, girlfriend was so desperate to fit in, that even after being shunned by the entire VDW clan, a few weeks back, Ivy willing volunteered to play a major part in one of the NJBC’s classic takedown schemes . . . playing a hooker no less.  With cash at her disposal, and Revenge on her menu, something tells me Ivy will be a major player on the Upper East Side in Season 6 . . .

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Speaking of people with something to prove . . .

Rufus Humphrey

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Spurned by his wife for the Upper East Side’s undead answer to Montgomery Burns, the UES’ favorite house husband, will probably spend much of the summer holed up in Brooklyn, licking his wounds, and using his recently filed annulment papers as some very expensive toilet paper.

But wimpy as he might be (he is Donut Dan’s dad, after all), something tells me the Elder Humphrey won’t be going down, without a fight.  My prediction?  He and Lily will reunite, once and for all, in the series finale . . .

Lily van der Woodsen

From her petty (not to mention incredibly greedy) attempts to sabotage her own dead mother’s will . . . to her icy cold treatment of her newfound niece Lola .  . . to her intolerance for living anywhere that isn’t the Upper East Side . . . to her callous dismissal of her husband . . .to the malevolent way she sabotaged her own sister’s legal defense, Lily van der Woodsen has been a nearly impossible character to root for this season.

And her recent decision to annul her marriage to Rufus Humphrey, in favor of Comic Book Super Villain Montgomery Burns Bart Bass certainly doesn’t help matters.

However, I predict that Season 6 will be Lily’s Redemption Story.  And that Chuck Bass will play a major role in that.  After all, Lily’s care and support of her adopted son is one of the most relatable aspects of her usually chilly character.  (It could even be argued, that Lily is a better mother to Chuck than she is to Serena or Eric.)

I’m thinking that when Lily finds out the true story of how Bart vindictively ripped the Empire away from the same son, who recently saved his life, she won’t be keeping the Bass bed warm much longer.  Speaking of Bart . . .

Bart Bass

This asshat’s in for a major takedown, NJBC-style!  I mean, here’s a guy who used his own son’s lifelong love for a woman to rip the business the latter spent years building right out from under him!  That’s just cold!

With the Empire back under his sole control, his lady by his side, and the man who tried to have him killed behind bars, Chuck’s dad seems to be riding pretty hight right now.

But the higher they rise, the harder they fall.  And with his son and his uncle plotting his demise, something tells me, Season 6 isn’t going to end all that pleasantly for the elder Bass . . .

Speaking of falling from grace . . .

Serena van der Woodsen

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The pilot episode of this series began with a UES exiled and drug-addled Serena VDW staring forelornly out a dirty bus window, after getting caught screwing her best friend’s boyfriend on top of a bar at the Shepard’s wedding.

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The season 5 finale had Serena making a similar mess of things . . . first by inadvertently leaking her bestie Blair’s diaries to Gossip Girl . . . and later by seducing Blair’s then boyfriend Donut Dan . . . you guessed it . . . on top of a bar at the Shepard’s wedding (She even videotaped it, for heaven sakes).  Rejected by her best friend, a prospective employer, and the object of her affection (Donut . . . no accounting for taste), all in one episode, Serena has once again truly hit rock bottom.

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And if the final scene of this episode is any indication, she’ll spend the summer snorting nose candy, and getting felt up by drug dealers on trains.

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 My prediction for Serena in Season 6?  An emergency intervention led by all her friends, who, mad as they might be at her right now, love her too much to see her throw her life away like this . . . again.

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 Oh, and hopefully she’ll end up with Nate.  I always really liked those two together . . .

Speaking of people who recently f*&ked Serena . . .

Donut Humphrey

Five seasons, and Dan still hasn’t managed to cut that ridiculous hair.

The Season 5 finale was a “hard” one for the Donut, in more ways than one.  Of course, it was no suprise to any of us, that Blair ultimately (FINALLY) ditched Humpty Humphrey for the real love of her life, Chuck Bass.

But Donut didn’t see it coming, deluded as he was by the notion that if he whined hard enough, and gave Blair a sufficient number of ultimatums, she would be bullied into choosing him instead.

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Given that, it’s not surprising that Humpty Humphrey spent the second half of the episode getting wasted with Serena, and humping her at a Divorce Party, of all places.  After all, when the going gets tough, the tough get f*&ked by their ex’s best friends.

Now, you would think that the Donut would be at least somewhat remorseful of his actions.  After all, since Blair hadn’t publicized her choice yet, at the time Dan was screwing Serena, he technically cheated on her.  But nooooo . . . Donut remains just as self-righteous as he was in the pilot episode.

And by the episode’s end, he’s literally making a deal with Devil, i.e. Georgina, to evicerate his former Upper East Side friends in a nonfiction expose.

Hey, at least, with Georgina as his snarky co-authoress, Dan’s new book will be better than that lame Dair fanfiction he wrote last year  .  . .

In other news . . .

Jack Bass

Who knew the man most known for having Hep C, whore mongering, and his hotels-for-chicks imbroglio was actually a closet romantic?

After being similarly shafted from the Empire by his much older brother, Jack Bass came to a necessary, if uneasy, alliance with fellow shafted family member, Chuck Bass.

Together, the two hit the casinos in Monte Carlo to win big money, and plot their mutual takedown of the malevolent Bart Bass. But first, Jack has some matters of the heart to take care of .  . . Chuck’s heart . . .

Of course, I save the best TWO for last . . .

Chuck Bass

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It’s been a roller coaster of a season for our dear Chuck . . .  starting with that whirlwind summer he spent in LA, risking his life on a daily basis, and trying in vain to shield himself from the pain of lost love.

Chuck’s return to the Upper East Side brought with it the reopening of old wounds . . . but it also allowed Chuck to open his heart to someone very special . . .

What followed was Chuck’s redemption story.  Early on in the seaon, he vowed to become the man Blair needed him to be, even if she never got the chance to experience it herself.

Eventually, however, Blair DID see Chuck for the changed man he was.

And the two shared a blissful, if short, romantic reunion, one that, unfortunately, ended in the tragedy of Blair’s lost baby, and almost ended Chuck’s life.

Following the accident, Chuck lost Blair again, for patently ridiculous reasons.  But it didn’t stop him from supporting her, or for paying the dowry that got her out of that sham of a Cyborg marriage.

As if all that wasn’t enough, Chuck went through a series of weeks, where every day he had a new father, and a different mother.  Weird!

But with Blair’s help, Chuck finally figured out his real deep dark family secret  . . . His father had been alive all this time!  In two weeks time Chuck went from, thinking his father wasn’t his father, to finding out his father was alive, to avenging his father’s fake death, to losing his business to that same father!  My head spins just thinking about it.

Given all that he’s been through this season, can you blame Chuck for initially being a bit skeptical of Blair’s decision to FINALLY choose him?

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But worry not, Chair fans.  We all know it’s not REALLY over until Gossip Girl says, “XOXO!”

Blair Waldorf

Lost and found . . . that’s the way I’d describe Blair’s character arc this season.  More than any other character, Blair seemed to have lost her way throughout Season 5.  Through her weird, dull, and at- times infuriating courtship with Louis-bot . . .

. . .  to her ridiculous and uncharacteristically brief foray into religiosity . . .

. . .   to her shocking change of style . . .

. .  .to the bizarre way in which she magically decided she loooooooved a Donut, and then just as magically decided that she didn’t . . .

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. . .  Blair seemed to spend much of the season stumbling around in a fog, trying desperately to reconnect with the sexy, spunky, smart,  sassy, and strong woman she’d been for twenty years.

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But by the end of Season 5, Blair finally found that woman again.

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She used that strength to make positive changes in her life . . . first by agreeing to take on her mother’s business . . . then by ditching deadweight Dan . . . and finally . . . by following her heart.

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After watching Chuck chase Blair all season, mostly to no avail, it was so satisfying to see Blair finally come to him, with her heart in her hand, ready to begin their future together.

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For Chair fans, like myself, there was nothing more satisfying than watching Blair, in the final moments of the episode, refusing to take no for an answer, and deciding to bet it all on the love of her life.

My prediction for these two, next season?  The beginning of a well-earned Happily Ever After . . .

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

“I Know Who Killed Me,” a Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Fugitives”

[Greetings Fangbangers!  The TVD Season 3 Finale Recap is on its way.  I should have it up by early Saturday morning, EST!  We have A LOT to talk about!]

“Try and hit me with your car again, LOSERS!” 

Greetings Upper East Siders! This week on GG, Donut Dan’s frightening Medusa-like bedhead, and crippling self doubt, threatened to end his relationship with Blair.

But,  unfortunately, it’s not quite dead . . . yet . . . just paralyzed from the waist down, and begging to be put out of its misery.

Also on GG, Lola and Ivy gave us a glimpse into the future of both of their respective acting careers  . . . by posing as high middle lower-middle class call girls.

Meanwhile, Serena, after weeks of pretending to be Gossip Girl, put on a headband, and pretended to be Blair Waldorf instead.  (Clearly, this is a Multiple Personality Disorder waiting to happen.)

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In other news, Bart Bass is adjusting to not being dead anymore.  And who knows?  In another year or two he might even re-learn how to emote and display real facial expressions . . .

So, slap on your sassiest headband, pick up your favorite flavor of gelato (as long as it’s not pistachio), and, for Heaven’s Sake, hide your diary, because it’s time for another GG cap . . .

“What did we bury that day?”

I suspect few GG fans would disagree with me, when I say that, as amusing as Bart Bass: Real Estate Magnate of the Undead is to watch, it’s pretty much the most ridiculously unbelievable plotline these writers have ever put on our screens . . . well, except for maybe that whole “Pact with G*d” thing.  Actually, Chuck Bass thinks it’s pretty ridiculous too. This is why he meets with his father, early on in the episode, in hopes of getting some much needed answers for himself, and, by extension, GG viewers.

“You look pretty good, for someone who’s been underground for three years, dad.  Was there a tanning bed in your hidey hole?” 

Bart explains to Chuck how one of his Big Bad Competitors . . . one with some all-too-convenient “connections to the mob,” tried to get Bart killed in that fateful car accident.  So, Bart, being the strong, powerful, manly man that he is, decided to deal with it by . . . going Ninja on his would be killer’s ass      going to the police and having him arrested  ruining him financially by buying out all his hotels    using his own mob connections to kill the guy right back  giving him a royally painful wedgie  burrowing in an underground hole for three years, while wearing a Snuggie, and watching a whole lot of Real Housewives episodes.  Bart Bass . . . MY HERO!

“This guy even makes ME look good!”

But Chuck’s not done with his interrogation.  There’s so much about this situation that still confuses him . . . and me.  Like, for example, how did Bart manage to fake a flatline in the hospital, while the entire Bass / VDW clan was standing over him, pretending to be genuinely upset about his demise?  And what or who exactly did they put in Bart’s coffin for the faux funeral?  Actually, I have a few ideas about that one . . .

Also, how did Zombie Bart manage to sneak blood to Chuck, without anyone knowing he was there .  . . or that he supposedly has no pulse?  Chuck wants to know the answers to all these questions.  But, most of all, he wants to know who tried to have his father killed, so that he can get REVENGE.

 “Avenging the not real death of my father . . . I think I read a book about that once . . .”

So, Bart answered these questions, right?  I mean, of course, he had to answer these questions.  A show simply can’t have a character come back from the dead, after three years, without explaining to fans how it happened . . . right?  RIGHT?

Noooo . . . sorry.  You lose, Chuck Bass!  Thanks for playing!  Better luck next Undead Dad!

By the way, I miss Monkey.  Where’s he been lately? 

It would have been easy to laugh off a moment like this.  But Ed Westwick gave the situation some genuine gravitas, illustrating how this cold callous man had the power to transform the  dignified, often cocksure, adult Chuck Bass, into a vulnerable boy in desperate need of his father’s love and affection.  “What is this?  You’re kicking me out?  You’re just going to disappear, and leave me alone again?” Chuck inquires, eyes filling with tears, as one of his father’s henchmen bodily removes him from the premises.

It’s literally impossible not to feel for Chuck in this scene.  And yet Bart Bass seems to manage it quite well.  Seriously, I’m starting to think that the guy is actually a cyborg.  It would explain so much . . .

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Louis-bot approves . . . 

Despite all this, Chuck is still determined to vanquish his father’s enemies, Amanda Clarke from Revenge-style.  He turns first to one of his most “loyal and trusting” henchmen, Andrew Tyler.  You know, the guy who Chuck is forever throwing ridiculous sums of money at to provide him with misinformation nearly every week?  But Andrew doesn’t want to take the case, despite Chuck’s willingness to pay him three-times his normal fee.  He, apparently, has better things to do . . . like needlepoint . . . or spelunking.

“I’m not just a P.I. / lawyer.  I’m also dress up like a clown for children’s birthday parties . . .” 

Come on, Andrew Tyler!  Buck up, buddy.  Chuck is offering you obscene amounts of money to find the secret not-killer of a secret not-dead guy.  And he’s pretty much guaranteed to pay you, even if you provide him with the wrong name.  (He’s done it before!)  So, tell him it was Oscar the Grouch or something, take the money, and run.  It’s not like you actually have “morals,” or anything . . .

Shunned by his father, and spurned by the uber-un-talented Andrew Tyler, Chuck is now more determined than ever to find out who orchestrated his father’s car accident, all those years ago . . .

“No need to be a Jealous Freak.”

While Donut Dan is in the shower, wrestling with the ferocious Chia Pet that, since last week, has made a nest in his head and given birth to an entire litter of tiny baby Chias . . .

. . .  Blair is busy sexting with Chuck . . .

Chuck’s reply text: “I’m fine now that I got this pesky underwear off.  How are you?”

(By the way, I love that Blair is so prim and proper in her texting. She even uses capital letters and punctuation marks.)

Unfortunately, before Blair can tell Chuck that she’s not wearing underwear, she receives a call from Dan’s agent, who quickly informs her that the Donut has turned down Italy on her behalf.  Blair, understandably, is furious.  I mean, here she was, finally being given the opportunity to spend the summer away from Donut Dan, so that she could carry out an awesomely torrid affair with Chuck Bass across every limo in Manhattan . . .

. . .  and Humpty Humphrey totally ruined it for her.

So, selfish, right?

Blair begs the Donut to reconsider his decision.  After all, she explains, “Rome is just two glasses of Chardonnay away . . . assuming you drink wine really, really, really slowly.”

She goes on to assure this puff pastry that he has absolutely nothing to worry or be jealous about, when it comes to Chuck.  And her argument would probably be considered pretty convincing too . . . provided Dan has never rented the first four seasons of Gossip Girl on DVD . . .

“The most important thing in a relationship is trust . . . after sex, hygiene, and earning potential.”

Though Blair acts all cool, calm and collected with her hairy temporary tattoo of a boyfriend, beneath the surface, she’s furious with him for lying to her.  And so she turns to the only woman who could really understand her pain . . . Serena van der Woodsen, the woman who’s not-so-secretly still in love with Dan.  Way to be sensitive, Waldorf!

Ditched by Dan, canned by Nate, bested by Serena, and ousted by Gossip Girl herself, you can tell that the slings and arrows of life have started to take their toll on Serena.  For starters, she’s wearing a sweater that looks like it’s been chewed up and spit out, by a pack of rabid coyotes . . .

“Some girls eat their feelings, when they get upset, I eat my fabrics.”

And when Blair starts waxing poetic about the trust issues threatening her totally lame relationship with the Donut, and how honestly is like the eighth most important thing in a good relationship (distantly behind good sex and hygiene, and not getting your hair done by the Tazmanian Devil), Serena feels compelled to confess her own Gossip Girl-centric sins to her bestie . . .

“Oh, while we are on the subject, I’m also secretly Perez Hilton and that ‘I’m a lawyer’ guy from TMZ.” 

So, was Blair furious with her BFF for hiding this HUGE secret from her?  Not a bit!  In fact, Blair seemed more disappointed that she herself didn’t get the opportunity to dirty blog the “scandalous lives of Manhattans elite,” than betrayed by her bestie.  Now that Blair mentions it, I too am kind of disappointed that the sassy, manipulative and side-splittingly sarcastic, “Origina Gangster” Queen B never got to take the helm as Gossip Girl.  For one thing, I think she would have been ten times better than Georgina or Serena at the job . . . giving the actual GG a real run for her money, in the process.

Also, it would have been a heck of a lot more interesting to watch then this whole “pretending to date Dan fiasco.”

Speaking of Blair’s love life, she runs into Chuck Bass, as she’s leaving Serena’s place.  As per usual, the chemistry between the two is electric.  Blair looks at Chuck, eyes filled with concern and thinly-veiled longing.  She wants to know how he’s processing this overload of information regarding his father.

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She can see the pain in his expression, though he tries to remain strong.  When Chuck tells her that his father is leaving town again, and asks for her help and moral support, she agrees without question.  It’s the only thing she can do.

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BLAIR: “You mean, aside from in your pants?  Not that I can think of?”

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“Waiiiiittt . . . what about meeeeeee?!!!” 

So, Blair follows Chuck into his limo for the second time in as many episodes LIMO SEX! LIMO SEX!  LIMO SEX!, while, Dan searches for her to share some boring important information about Italy. Haha!  SUCKA!

“When this Chair’s a-rockin  . . . take a taxi Humpty Humphrey.” 

“Dan needs you . . . to pretend you still have feelings for him.”

While Chuck and Blair wait to speak to Diana, in hopes of getting answers about Bart Bass’ past, Serena calls Blair to warn her that the Donut is on the prowl.

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“Dan needs you,” Serena warns.

(Um, sorry Dan, but Chuck needs her more.  Why don’t you call back when Rufus fake dies, and we can talk?)  Nevertheless, Serena’s guilt trips works on Blair enough to get her to leave Chuck with his not-mother Diana.

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Speaking of Diana, didn’t she have like the longest guest star stint, ever?  Because it sure seemed like she did.   That said, it’s hard not to enjoy a scene that begins with Chuck “thanking” Diana for lying about his father, traumatizing him for life, by pretending to be his mother, and f*&king his best friend.  (For that last one, Diana thanks him right back.  After all, when it comes to Nate Archibald, Chuck Bass has always been the Best Pimp Ever.)

“Nate always gets so slutty when he drinks.” 

Knowing full well that Nate Archibald has become the sex / blackmail monkey on her back, Diana is eager to strike with her not-son.  She agrees to tell Chuck who tried to kill his dad, in exchange for him getting Nate off her tail, and shipping her back to run a London newspaper with her “reputation” in tact.  (Um, what reputation, Slutty McWhoreson?)

Later, Diana pops by Chuck’s house to offer him the name of the murderer, in question: “Mason Nevens” . . . fakest . . . name . . . ever (my apologies to all those Mason Nevens out there, who might be reading this).  Apparently, “murderer” and “mob connected” aren’t Mason’s only flaws.  He also has a fetish for twin prostitutes.  (Apparently, it’s a requirement on the Upper East Side for all real estate magnates to be psychotic manwhores.)

Why am I thinking these aren’t the type of twins he’s talking about? 

Though Diana initially seems willing to help Chuck catch Mason en flagrante with the Ladies of the Night, in order to help him achieve vengeance on his father’s behalf  (I don’t know . . . I still think “murdering dad,” is a lot higher on the “bad news” list than “embarrassing me with fake hookers.”  But, hey, what do I know!), she quickly changes her tune, when she learns that Nate and Lola ratted her Escort Service running self out to the New York Times.

Chuck is understandably furious.  So, he comes clean to the rest of the gang about the whole situation with his not-dead dad, so that they know exactly what they just cost him.  Then again, since Diana already gave Chuck all the information he needs for the Mason Nevens smackdown, it sort of doesn’t matter anymore, anyway.  Feeling more than a bit guilty for what just happened, NJBC . . . and Lola vow to help Chuck carry out his plan.

“Exxcceeellllent.” 

Elsewhere, Blair learns that Dan has somehow managed to get back on the Summer in Italy writers roster, and has scored Blair a spot as well.  Blair, honestly, doesn’t seem too enthused about spending another summer, in another European country, with another boring boy toy who isn’t Chuck (remember Louis-bot?).  And yet, possibly out of feelings of guilt, Blair agrees to the trip, as well the preliminary interview with the folks who are running the program, which is supposed to take place later that day.

Of course, minutes before the interview is supposed to take place, Blair gets a call from the NJBC informing her that her scheming services are needed for Chuck’s Mason Neven’s Takedown.  “Ummm . . . I’ll be right back.  I have to go get . . . macaroons gelato . . . or something,” Blair fibs, as she makes her hasty retreat to Chuck Town.  Yeahh  . . . that’s my girl, Queen B.  It’s good to see that you have your priorities back in order . . .

“Handcuffs . . .every good girl has them.”

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To be perfectly honest, Blair’s role in the scheme of coaching Lola, and her “twin” Ivy in the art of playing believeable prostitutes, was kind of superfluous.  She absolutely could have done it over the phone, and still made it back in time for Dan’s stupid interview.  And the fact that Blair sent Serena to do it in her place, just shows how much more important Chuck is to her than the Donut.  Because of that, I agree with her actions wholeheartedly . . .

Oh yeah, and her High Class Hooker 101 monologue was just jam-packed with awesomeness.  “You think this is the first time I’ve entrapped someone with prostitutes,” Blair quips, when questioned about how exactly she knows all this stuff.

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(Are those crotchless panties? OMG!)

Speaking of Blair’s lingerie choices . . .

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(I see what you did there, writers.  You naughty little teases, you!)

Original Gangster Blair indeed . . .

Meanwhile, Nate’s and Lola’s New York Times tip, has Diana on the lam.  She’s planning to take Bart Bass out of the country, never to be seen again, ASAP.  This means Lola and Ivy better hurry up and be hookers fast (shouldn’t be that hard for Ivy)  . . .

. . . or Chuck will lose his father again . . . this time, possibly for good.

“You two make an . . . interesting . . . couple way more interesting than the REAL Dan and Blair.”

Back at La Casa de Waldorf, Donut Dan is shocked, when a headband clad Serena introduces herself to the “Italy Trip Interviewer Guy” as Blair.  So, he makes this face . . .

What I adored about the scene was the way that Serena used the interview and her false identity as a way to subtly bash the Dair relationship.  “We couldn’t stand eachother for years. Now we’re madly in love.  It’s like a movie,” Serena quips.  “We’re like Brad and Angelina, once they got Jennifer Aniston out of the way.”

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Dopey Dan, of course, knows exactly what Serena is doing, and is clearly uncomfortable in the situation, which makes me very happy.

Not surprisingly, Faux-Blair and Donut ace their interview, since Serena and Dan have always been a much more believable couple than Dan and Blair ever were.  Things almost go south, when Interviewer guy runs into Blair’s mother, who unwittingly refers to Serena by her proper name. But, fortunately, Dorota takes the bullet.  “I’m Serena!  I’m doing fine Miss Waldorf,” she says quickly.

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How can you not love Dorota?

After the interview, Donut Dan wonders out loud why Blair keeps lying to him.  He suspects it’s because she doesn’t really love him, and doesn’t want to go to Europe with him.  (Gee, ya think?)  Despite still being madly in love with Dan, Serena quells his fears about his relationship with Blair, by telling him the truth about the whole Chuck Bass Thing.  Donut Dan seems relieved by the explanation.  Donut Dan is an idiot . . .

“Inappropriate Transient Women.”

Back at the Whore House Hotel, Lola and Ivy giddily practice striking “sexy poses” in overpriced lingerie . . . .

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 . . . while they wait to entrap the elusive Mason Nevens.  Then, Andrew Tyler randomly pops up, and tell them that Chuck wants them to follow him back to Bart’s hideout.  Oh, come on Andrew!  “Daddy said you should come with me?”  That’s the Oldest Trick in the Child Abduction Handbook.  Anyone over the age of five would know that . . .

But not Ivy and Lola, who seemingly fall for the trick, hook, line and sinker.  However, Lola is skeptical enough at least to tell Blair where she’s going.  She, in turn, tells Chuck, and the plan is back in motion .  . . except there’s now a new target, Andrew Tyler himself.

In a TOTAL, “Scooby Doo,” “those meddling kids moment,” Father and Son Bass corner Mr. Tyler, and he sings like a canary.  Apparently, HE was the one who sold out Bart to Mason, when the latter threatened the lawyer / PI’s family.  Of course, the police are conveniently right outside the door to hear Little Orphan Andy say all of this.  They arrest him right there on the spot.  Nice knowing you, Andrew Tyler.  Try not to drop the soap!

Alone at last, Bart boredly thanks his son for bringing . . . well . .  . not his actual not-killer . . .  but the henchman of his not-killer  .  . . to justice.

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Although honestly, the elder Bass doesn’t seem all that enthused about it.   Is this just a Botox thing, or is Bart still hiding something?

For his part, Chuck conversationally quips that the only thing he ever learned from his father was how to screw around with “inappropriate transient women.”  On behalf of Inappropriate Transient Women everywhere, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Bart Bass for that as well.

Oh, and Bart still has to break it to Lily that she now has two husbands.  This ought to be fun . . .

*DOH!* 

In other news, Nate decided to not sell out Diana for being a Whore Monger, after all . . . how nice for her.

“Dear Diary . . . I’m so f*&ked.”

Back at the Waldorf house,  S and B share a super sweet moment, where they congratulate eachother on yet another NJBC victory, and Blair thanks Serena for doing such a great job impersonating her . .  . even if she did volunteer to teach English in Italy on Blair’s behalf. (Oops!)

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The besties then declare their love for one another, and Serena encourages Blair to DUMP THE DONUT, SO SHE CAN DATE HIM tell the Donut how she really feels about him.

But Blair and “I love you,” kind of have a bit of a checkered history . . .

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. . . so it’s understandable that she is a bit gun shy about saying those words to anyone other than Chuck Bass again also, she’s not in love with Dan . . . like at all.

“I want the next time I say [I love you] to be the last,” Blair muses.

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Good for you, Blair! That’s one of the smartest things you’ve said all season . . . though that thing you said before about the handcuffs was pretty genius too . . .

So, of course, now that S’s and B’s relationship is awesome again, the real Gossip Girl has to go eff it up, right?

Yep,  it appears Chuck Bass wasn’t the only one with vengeance on his mind this week.  Gossip Girl, herself, is still mighty pissed at Serena for stealing her laptop, and her title.  So, Serena’s going to pay for that, big time . . . with her relationship to Blair.  Apparently, Blair keeps a not very-well-protected diary of her inner most thoughts.   (Really, Blair?  Have you learned nothing from Every Teen Show Ever?)

Now, Gossip Girl has Blair’s pages scanned on her computer.  And she’s ready to share them with the world, GG-style.  She’s also proud to share the source of this new information.  And the winner is . . . wait for it . .  . Serena van der Woodsen.

So, what does the first page of the diary reveal?  Why, Blair’s lukewarm feelings for Humpty Humphrey, of course.

Ruh-roh Upper East Siders, I smell a cat fight!

Next week on Gossip Girl, Serena gets drunk and jiggy on a bar with maybe Donut Dan . . . or dreams about getting giggy with him .  . . or gets jiggy with Donut Dan’s bad hair twin, and imagines it’s him.  Also, Blair still loves Chuck.

Duh!  XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

“She Likes to Watch” – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Raiders of the Lost Art”

[ The Vampire Diaries’ “Before Sunset” recap is on its way, Fangbangers!  Check back here early Saturday morning, May 5th!]

Blair: (thinking to herself) “Chuck has such good hair!  I miss dating a guy with hair I can run my fingers through.  Last time I tried to do that with Dan, my hand got stuck.”

“O.G.B. – Original Gangster Blair.”  That was how Donut Dan referred to his soon-to-be -ex (Those two are SO dunzo.  I can’t wait!) girlfriend, upon hearing that, after weeks of residing in Castle Blahhh with him, our Queen B had finally decided to reunite with the rest of her old Non Judging Breakfast Club to hatch one of its infamous schemes.

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Cheesy and lame, though that nickname was (I mean, it came from Humpty Humphrey, after all) Donut Boy happened to have a point!

“Did TV Recappers Anonymous just give me a compliment?  Clearly, this is one of the signs of the apocalypse.” 

Not only did Blair seem more like her old strong, spunky, smart, seductive, and scheming self, this week, than she had been in weeks, the rest of the Upper East Side cast seemed more like itself too.  In “Raiders of the Lost Art,” the characters seemed better defined, the dialogue sharper, the plot twists twistier, and the Chair chemistry more swoonworthy than GG fans had seen, since the beginning of the season.  In short, this wasn’t just “Original Gangster Blair.”  It was “Original Gangster Gossip Girl.”

So break out your trusty cipher slide (or cereal box decoder ring . . . whatever), slip into some nice lingerie, and head on over to the Secret Sex Club, where your not-so-much dead dad likes to hide, because it’s time for another GG-cap . . .

All Gossip and No Play Make Serena a Dull Girl . . .

“I know I’m supposed to be writing a Gossip Girl blast.  But I just can’t seem to stop watching that YouTube video about the honey badger.” 

Why am I suddenly starting to get the feeling that, when they finally do reveal the REAL Gossip Girl, she will end up being this socially awkward nerdette, who hasn’t left the house, since high school?  (Either that, or it will end up being Lola . . . same difference)  One thing the whole Gossip Girl swapfest that’s played out over the course of the season has showed us is what a demanding job being GG can be, and just how much it infringes on your social life.

We saw it first with Georgina.  Now we are seeing it with former It Girl Serena, who seems to have spending the entire last third of the season, holed up in her room behind a computer screen.  (She’s also oddly started speaking like an 85-year old woman with emphysema.  What’s up with that?)  Honey, when your best friend’s housekeeper starts making fun of you for not having a life, you have some serious problems on your hands.

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Dorota is judging you . . .

Serena seems to be in the need of a serious Gossip Girl Intervention.  And Newbie Interloper Lola (or Serena Lite, as Blair cleverly nicknamed her), and her current boy toy Nate (Lola knows Serena is Gossip Girl.  Nate just pretends to believe her, because the sex is really good.) are the perfect people to break her of her Nasty Little Blogging Habit.

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Speaking of Dirty Little Secrets, Nate is intent on finding out what Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Thing Diana is hiding that prompted her to PRETEND to be his best friend’s bio mom.  (Because seriously, how sick is that?  It’s almost sicker than having sex with your real kid’s best friend, while he sleeps next door.  But not quite . . .)

Nate theorizes that once he finds out this secret, not only will he be able to offer Chuck the truth about his maternity (and paternity?), he will also be able to oust Diana from his Little Newspaper that Could . . . the Spectator.

This little theory prompts Nate to steal Diana Von Slutterstein’s day planner from her underwear drawer during one of the erstwhile couple’s heated impromptu sex sessions.  (Way to take one for the team, Nateypoo!)

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“This is SOOO hard.” 

The only problem, of course, is that Ms. Von Slutterstein apparently keeps entries on her day planner in code.  Well, THAT seems like a lot of unnecessary work.  Why not just have an ELECTRONIC DAYPLANNER with a PASSWORD like everyone else?  Hey Diana, 1985 called . . . it wants your coded dayplanner back.

Hoping that Serena’s newfound friendship with Diana McWhoreson gives her an inside advantage to tracking down the code for the dayplanner, Silly Lola puts all her cards on the table for her scheming half sister.  “We stole Diana’s [book],” Lola admits proudly.

“When even I think it’s a bad idea, something is REALLY wrong.”

Now, most of the time, Serena can be pretty darn dense.  But it seems as though her tenure as Gossip Girl has had the unintended affect of garnering her a few extra IQ points.  Rather than fall, hook, line, and sinker for Lola’s ploy, Serena gamely plays both sides against one another, by offering to help Lola find the decoder one minute, while revealing to Diana the NJBC’s plans against her in another . . .

*insert evil laugh here*

Oh, Serena . . .you might just be Lily’s daughter, and Cece’s granddaughter after all.  It appears the vastly over-priced Big Apple, doesn’t fall far from its well manicured tree . . .

Nate’s Brain and Dan’s Personality Hair: Two things the Wizard of Oz needs to fix

Meanwhile in Brooklyn, Blair continues her losing battle to make Donut Dan look slightly less like a homeless hippie time-traveler from 1972, by getting him to shave and cut his hair.  (Seriously, at the rate it’s growing, Dan’s mop top is going to be down to his ass, by the middle of next season.)

 Apparently though, the Donut’s hair isn’t the only thing that hasn’t been working in this relationship.  It appears that ever since Blair and Dan started getting wasted together, just so that they could have barely passable sex, the latter’s writing has gone down the proverbial toilet.

Fortunately, Dan’s soon-to-be-future girlfriend Agent Alessandra has the perfect cure for this (please say it’s sex with a prostitute, please say it’s sex with a prostitute) : spend the summer in Italy with an elite and snooty group of writers, of course!  You know what?  I like this idea even better than the prostitutes.  Send Dan to Italy . . . better yet, Tokyo . . . better yet the North Pole!  He and Santa could exchange haircare tips!

A highly flattered Donut promises to consider the offer, which really means he has to ask his mommy girlfriend, if he’s allowed to go.

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Of course, Blair has more important things to be thinking about than the Donut’s future . . . like, for example, Chuck.  Good ole Bass . . . after lounging around Nate’s apartment in his silk floral robe all morning, trying in vain to decipher Diana Hoestein’s day planner with Nate, the Beautiful Mental Midget Ever, he turns immediately to the smartest and best code breaker he knows . . . Blair Waldorf.

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She can crack the code, all right . . .

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 . . . to get in YOUR PANTS!

Chuck and Blair – Back in that Limo Again

As we know from past episodes, Blair has been trying to keep her distance from Chuck lately, knowing that she’s no match for his charm and sex appeal, especially when she’s stuck eating stale Donuts for breakfast everyday.

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“Ribbit.” 

But after last week’s award ceremony debacle, Blair is determined to return to her old fun self, and getting into bed with Chuck . . . er . . . I mean helping him take down Diana, and find out the truth about his parents seems just the way to do it.

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“This is your lucky day,” Blair tells Chuck, as he looks at her with a mixture of amusement, and unabashed attraction.

When the pair entered the limo together . . . a perpetual reminder of their EPIC first rendezvous . . . I literally started dancing in front of my television screen.

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 Please allow me a few fangirl moments to express how great it was to see Chuck and Blair at their scheming best once again.   Having spent weeks apart,  the two quickly got back to their old tricks, as if they had never been separated.  I adored the lusty loving look Chuck gave Blair, when she changed into her tight blue Diana-look-alike dress, and started doing that dead-on impersonation of the busty Brit.

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“In this moment, I can’t tell you how glad I am that Diana is NOT my mother,” Chuck replied earnestly, as he retrieved his jaw from the floor.

Not long after, Chuck rewarded my Chair-loving heart again, by conveniently yelling out “Waldorf I LOVE we need you,” right when Blair was on the phone with the Donut, explaining the events of the upcoming day.

Sidenote: Did I mention that Blair was TOTALLY fine with Dan skipping the country without her for an entire summer?  You just KNOW if it was Chuck who was contemplating leaving the Upper East Side for months, Blair would have spent the entire episode gorging on macaroons, screaming at Dorota, and sobbing through old Audrey Hepburn movies.  Oh, Poor Little Donut Hole (Munchkin?)  You should be afraid for  the state of your relationship . . . very afraid, indeed.

But back to more important things, Chuck and Blair were on a roll, this week.  From their tagteam insults of Nate, his foggy memory, and his lame extra-curricular activities (Come on!  Who writes in their dayplanner, every single time they go to the gym!) . . .

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. . . to their use of combined super-sleuthing skills to finally crack the Day Planner code (Blair used her trusty cipher slide, while Chuck impressed all with his obscure knowledge of country codes) . . .

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“That depends.  Is it some kind of sex toy?” 

 . . . to the knowing looks they gave one another throughout the scheming session, it was hard to imagine a time when these two lovebirds WEREN’T absolutely perfect for one another.

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 Of course, the group did run into a little hiccup when Double Crosser Serena tried to run off with the Day Planner.  (She had planned to give it back to Diana, in exchange for the real Gossip Girl’s telephone number.)  But Blair quickly disposed of that problem too, by effortlessly guilting her friend into submission.  “Be with us, not against us,” Blair told her Bestie, Matter-of-Factly.

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Within mere moments, Serena was back in the fold.  And the NJBC was ready to put the next stage of their plan into action.

Cross the NJBC, and wind up with Dorota on your back . . . literally.

Good old Dorota.  I love it when the NJBC lets her play in their scheming games.  But sometimes I worry about her babies.  Does she have nannies for those things?  Because she never seems to take care of them AT ALL!   This week, Dorota MASSAGED the truth about her coded weekend dalliances out of Diana Whoreson, using a few clever bait-and-switch techniques she’s undoubtedly learned from watching Blair all these years.

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Moments later, the group finds themselves with an invitation to a mysterious party . . . one that’s about to offer them more answers than they had bargained for . . .

Blair and Chuck seek out exotic locations for their next sexual rendezvous, while Stalker Donut pouts in the distance

Though Donut Dan was still playing the role of the non-neurotic boyfriend to Blair’s face, behind her back he was stalking her’s and Chuck’s limo in his taxi.  Pathetic as his actions were, he had good reason to be concerned, Diana’s day planner had led the NJBC to that random Secret Sex Club, where Chuck got it on with some random maid, a couple seasons back.

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 Truthfully, as far as Secret Sex Club’s go, this one left much to be desired, filled as it was with lots of old creepy men in business suits, and bored looking 18-year olds, all dressed in the same white nightgown.  No wonder Serena was so bored.

“Blah.  Another sex club.  Been there, screwed that, have the HPV to prove it.” 

Chuck and Blair weren’t bored though, bouncing right back into their usual couples routine, in search of Jack Bass and Diana.  “You look like you need a friend,” one of the high class call girls cooed, leeching onto Chuck the minute he arrived at the party.

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“He already has a friend,” Blair said possessively putting her arm around Chuck.

For me, one of the absolute funniest moments of the episode, was when Chuck and Blair posed as an exhibitionist couple, in order to explore the entire mansion where the sex club was being held (which, of course, when you think about it, isn’t actually that ffar from the truth.)  “You look like the type who would love [a room] with a royal theme,” suggested the host.

“Been there, done that,” replied Blair, which got a smirk from Chuck.  “How about someplace hidden and dark.”

“Let’s look at every room,” ad-libbed Chuck.  “She likes to watch.”

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Shortly thereafter, Diana arrives at the party.  And this is when the plot really becomes ridiculous thickens.  Split up from Blair, Chuck encounters Jack, an asks him flat out, if he’s his father.

Never  . . . gets . . . old. 

The answer he receives is evasive and inconclusive.  Nate finds Diana in the creepy security room on the second floor of the mansion.  (So, her dirty little secret is that she runs a sex bar? LAME!)

Serena, having returned Diana’s book, after the NJBC successfully decoded it excitedly calls Gossip Girl’s number.  The phone rings INSIDE the sex club.

“Gossip Girl is a prostitute?” 

But then Diana, knowing that her jig is up, fakes a police raid.  And everyone empties the house, before Serena can get the answer she is seeking.

Blair however, finds Chuck’s answer in a seemingly abandoned room on the second floor.  And the look on her face when she finds it is truly heartbreaking  . . .

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” (surprisingly, not a cliche, in this context)

Throughout the episode, we’ve been reminded of how good Chuck and Blair can be together, when they are scheming and having fun.  Here, in this moment, we are reminded of how good together they can be when they are hurting and in need of support.  “What’s wrong?  You look like you just found out that Jack Bass was YOUR father,” Chuck gently teases, as a teary eyed Blair emerges from the sex club.

Chuck and Blair as relatives . . . How very Game of Thrones now THAT would be awkward.

He takes her wrist, gently, a gesture of calm, support and strength.  “After all we’ve been through, there are no secrets between us, nor should there be.  It’s just us here, you and me.  You can tell me anything,” Chuck tells Blair solemnly,  and we know he means it.

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Leighton Meester knocked this scene out of the park.  In hindsight, knowing what she saw in that room, you could imagine the emotionality of her reaction.  Blair, more than anyone else, knows the complexities of Chuck’s relationship with his father, and the way his death unraveled him completely, exposing to the world a vulnerable side to Chuck Bass that no one had ever seen before.

And yet, she decides not to come out and tell him what she saw, nor to accompany him back to the mansion, where he will find it.  I think Blair recognizes that no matter how difficult this will be for Chuck, he has to come to this discovery on his own.

And so Blair instructs Chuck to return to the mansion.  It is there that he finally sees his father . . . his true blood donor, and life saver / ruiner . . . not so much dead, after all.

Well, he looks well preserved for someone who’s been dead for three seasons. 

It’s a patently unbelieveable twist . . . though one that many of us saw coming a mile away, thanks to some not-so-carefully placed spoilers on entertainment news outlets, but no one can deny its potential entertainment value.  Undoubtedly, this bombshell is going to have a major impact on most of the members of the Upper East Side, most notably Chuck and Lily . . . who is technically still married to the zombie/vampire / old rich guy or whatever.

“My Botox injections prevent me from appearing more upset about the fact that I now have two husbands.  How very Big Love of me.”

Personally, though, I’m a bit disappointed that Bart Bass didn’t end actually BEING Diana Payne (post-op sex change).  After all, you would think that, for a well-reknown man, becoming a woman would make it a whole lot easier to fake your own death as a man, than spending the remainder of your undeath hiding out in skeevy Whore Houses . . . just saying . . .

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In other news Nate and Lola double-double crossed Serena, by stealing her laptop, and returning it to Gossip Girl, whoever she might be  . . . (seriously, I’m starting to think it’s Lola).  As for that infamous telephone number,  Serena fought so hard to get.  It was promptly disconnected after the faux raid on the whore house.

Poor Serena.  Now, it seems she’ll have to return to her pre-Gossip Girl hobbies to obtain spiritual and emotional fulfillment  .  . . drinking heavily, and having sex with random guest stars . . .

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Oh, and I almost forgot (mainly because I could care less), Donut Dan turned down the summer in Italy to be with Blair.  But he lied to her about it, and told her he lost the spot to another writer.  Then Dan tells Blair he loves her for the first time, and she replies, “I know you do!”

BURN!  These two are more burned out then Dan’s weave.  Nice knowing ya, Dair . . . well . . . not really.  But whatever!

Oh, how I loved this episode, let me count the ways.

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Accentuate the Positive, Eliminate the Vanessa & Dan-itive (a.k.a. My Gossip Girl Season 4 Wish List)

 

Greetings fellow GG fans!  Can you believe there are only TWO more episodes left, before Season 3 draws to a close, and our favorite Upper East Siders ride off into the sunset (most likely to the Hamptons) for summer hiatus?  (The season finale episode, entitled Last Tango, Then Paris, is scheduled to air on May 17th on the CW.)

“OMFG, S!  That TV Recapper Girl is staring at us again!  Doesn’t she know we’re on vacation?” 

As the summer months will definitely be long, hot, and lonely, without my wealthy and stylish New York friends to party with on Monday nights, I thought it might be fun, just this once, in lieu of my usual weekly recap, to peer into my crystal ball into Gossip Girl‘s future, a.k.a Season 4.

Here’s the thing . . . I’ve been a fan of Gossip Girl pretty much since it started, which was back in 2007.   (Sheesh, I can’t believe it’s actually been that long!  I feel OLD!).  When you’ve been with a show for that long, you can’t help but become invested in its characters and storylines.  You also can’t help but form some REALLY STRONG opinions on which aspects of the show you think work, and which . . . well . . . don’t.  So, without further adieu, here is my Wish List of Ten Things I’d Like to See More (or Less) of during Season 4 of Gossip Girl .  . .

1) More C&B Moments!

This one is so obvious, it almost goes without saying.  But, of course, I am going to say it anyway.  As far as I am concerned, Chuck and Blair are, and have always been, the true heart and soul of Gossip Girl.  Every time Leighton Meester and Ed Westwick are on screen together, their explosive on-screen presences and undeniable sexual chemistry are so intense, that I sometimes fear that their collective “heat” will burn a hole in my television set.  Check out this SMOKING HOT fan video of the pair, if you don’t believe me!

Early on in Season 3, Chuck and Blair fell into that WAY TOO common trap suffered by many of television’s great super couples.  Here’s how it goes. . .  You have these two sexy characters that are TOTALLY hot for eachother.  But, for one reason or another, they can’t couple.  (Maybe one of them is dating someone else.  Maybe the two are pretending to hate one another.  Or maybe each member of the pair is simply too proud to admit their true romantic feelings, out of fear of hurt or rejection.)  In Chuck’s and Blair’s case, it was ALL OF THE ABOVE!

So, FINALLY the Season Finale comes.  And the writers give fans what they have been clamoring for since the first episode, a dramatic event that throws the two unrequited lovers together and FORCES them to admit their feelings for one another.  Fans rejoice!  Pause and rewind buttons are worn out on television sets, as “shippers” replay the sexy satisfying moment of coupling OVER AND OVER AGAIN!  DVDs of the Season are preordered en-mass, JUST so people can rewatch the finale.  Fangirl blog posts are written in ALL CAPS with lots of smiley face emoticons!

Then the following Season begins and the pair is now a COUPLE.  And the writers are stumped as to what to do with these fan favorites.  So, first, they give the new couple a lot of makeout and sex scenes to appease the fans.  Then they throw the pair into ridiculous situations, just so the two can fight with one another, and somehow be involved in the story.  But the “fights” seem lame and contrived, and the loyal fans don’t buy into them for one second.  These fans soon grow bored with the same people they once tuned in week after week to see.  Unfortunately, it happens all the time.  And it happened to Chuck and Blair.

But now that the two have broken up (but obviously still care for one another), the writers have an EXCELLENT opportunity to rebuild the angst and sexual tension Chuck and Blair once had.  There can ONCE AGAIN be longing looks, and ALMOST sex moments!  There can be sexy “I want to rip your clothes off, because you infuriate me so much,” bickering.  And there can be the inevitable jealousy that arises when one of the pair tries in vain to “move on.”

You have the power to REALLY make this work GG writers, so DON’T SCREW IT UP!  Don’t instantly throw Chuck and Blair into random and unfulfilling relationships with new characters we don’t care about, or old characters we don’t like that much (cough, Jenny, cough).  Curious as to how to fill Chuck’s and Blair’s time while they are single and, once again, longing for one another, writers?   #5 on this list, should help you out there . . .

2) DOWN WITH DAN AND VANESSA!

“Hey Vanessa, what are you watching?” 

“The Chuck and Blair parts of our show.”

“Cool, let’s do that for the remainder of our screen time.  Maybe it will make us more interesting .  . .”

People who read my recaps might get the idea that I HATE Dan and Vanessa.  I don’t (or at least, I didn’t).  You know when I liked Dan and Vanessa?  Back during Season 1, when they were the poor kids, thrown in with a bunch of rich kids they didn’t like and felt morally superior to.  Because Dan and Vanessa were different than the rest of the GG crew.  They were snarky, and not as well-dressed, and a bit less attractive (Sorry guys!).  So when they made fun of Serena, Nate, Chuck and Blair, you laughed with them, and related to them.  Then the writers got the “great” idea to incorporate Dan and Vanessa into the gang.  They even made Dan RICH! 

“Yo, Jeeves!  I called you TWO WHOLE minutes ago!  Where the F is my limo?  I’d rather DIE than ride the subway!”

What’s worse?  They took these two GREAT sidekicks,  and not only put them center stage, but put them center stage TOGETHER!  Why?  Vanessa and Dan are practically the SAME PERSON!  They are both artsy fartsy, self-righteous, outsiders, who prefer talking about art and literature to partying and having sex.  How can such people even exist on a show like Gossip Girl AT ALL?  Let alone take up 15 minutes of screentime each week .  . .

The TV version of a sleeping pill . . .

Now, I’m not saying to get rid of Dan and Vanessa ALTOGETHER (Although, seeing as the writers just shipped Vanessa off to Haiti, they may, ultimately, have decided to do just that).  I’m simply saying keep them as snarky sidekicks.  Let them give sage advice to our less “level-headed characters.”  Let them provide a grounded sense of realism to the show (as long as such grounded realism lasts under 7 minutes . . .).  Gossip Girl is supposed to be about ostentation, fashion, gorgeous people, bad immoral behavior and teenage angst.  Mature cast members need not apply.  Which leads me to #3 on this list . . .

3) Ix-Nay on the Parental Units’ Storylines, Por Favor!

OK, this one is probably going to sound a little ageist.  But just as I am not cool with Dan and Vanessa eating up twenty minutes of perfectly good GG screentime, nor am I copacetic with that same screentime being devoured by:  Lily van der Woodsen, Dr. van der Woodsen, Rufus Humphrey (and/or that slutty neighbor chick who wants in his pants), Eleanor Waldorf, and Cyrus Rose.  I would, however, make an exception for the Dead Bart Bass . . .

This guy is just too cool!

Look, I’ll be the first to admit it.  There are PLENTY of great shows out there that revolve around the “Over 40” set.  Like, for example, Desperate Housewives or The Golden Girls.

Gossip Girl just ISN’T one of those shows . . .  It’s on the CW, for crying out loud – The NETWORK for late teen, and early twenty-something angst!  Now, I know these teens DO have parents.  And I am not expecting the show to convert said parents into off-screen incoherent buzzing sounds, a la Charlie Brown. . .

 . . . nor should they be just a pair of “feet,” like The Nanny in The Muppet Babies.

All I’m saying, is I don’t need to be informed EVERY time Lily is propositioned by one of her many, many, MANY aging bachelors.  And I don’t need to see that furrowed brow look that Rufus gets every time he feels “insecure.”  Enough is enough!

4) Fire Little J’s Stylist!

(Self explanatory)

5) Bring Back Scheming Blair and Self-Destructive Chuck!

Earlier in this post, I suggested that the writers keep Chuck and Blair single and hot for eachother during most of Season 4.  I also suggested that I would provide the writers with guidance, as to how to keep the characters’ busy during those long uncoupled months.  Here it is!  Gossip Girl was never about “good behavior.”  We love our characters best when they are being naughty!  So, enough of all of this maturity!  Let Chuck get self-destructive, drunk, and slutty with random girls.  Let Blair scheme and connive to get what she wants and to get revenge against those who double cross her.  Better yet, let these two awesomely adorable baddies self-destructively scheme and connive TOGETHER, like they did during Season 1!

6) Get thee to Columbia, GO!

When a high school show transitions into a college show, it is typically a make or break time for the series.  Lesser shows have failed in making the transition, but Gossip Girl did a fairly good job of it.  The writers managed to keep all of the characters in NYC and, therefore, relevant to the series, while not falling into the “they should all go to the same college” trap, into which other shows have fallen.  For example, it makes total sense, that the non-academically inclined Chuck, and the under achieving, Slutty Serena would not attend school at all, while the born-with-a-silver-spoon-in-his-mouth Nate would be able to use his lineage to get into an Ivy League school.  However, I can’t say I’ve been all that pleased with the show’s portrayal of NYU.

Having taken summer classes at NYU, I am happy to report that it’s a fine establishment, no where near the lame artsy fartsy place it’s portrayed as on the show.  Now that BOTH Nate and Blair are attending Columbia on the Upper West side, the writers have a BRILLIANT opportunity to portray a second college in a more realistic way than they portrayed the first.  The change of scenery might be nice too . . .

7) “New York . .  .  it’s streets will make you feel brand new.  It’s lights will inspire you.”  USE IT!

As someone who works in NYC, I generally love Gossip Girl’s glamorous and CLEAN portrayal of my city.  However, they keep showing us the SAME TWO BLOCKS!  NYC is a vast playground, in which our favorite characters can thrive and play.  Take advantage, writers!  Wouldn’t you LOVE, for example, to see Blair muck it up in the not always so classy, Times Square?  Or watch Serena get laid in the Bronx?  Because I WOULD!

8 ) Put the “F” back in OMFG!

I absolutely ADORED the “OMFG” Gossip Girl campaign that jump started Season 2 of the show.  After all, how could you possibly top posters like these?

Except, lately, I feel like the show has gotten a bit .  . . how do I say this . . . TAME!  So, here’s a tip for the writers: in Season 4, try to include at least one OMFG (slutty) moment per every 20 minutes of Gossip Girl.    You get extra bonus points if the slutty scene in question involves Chuck and / or Blair.

9) Little Eric . . . BIG Backstory!

In last week’s GG installment, “It’s a Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad World,” the chronically underwritten Eric van der Woodsen really got a chance to shine.  And fans FINALLY got to see Connor Paolo flex his acting chops.  The episode also gently reminded us that ERIC TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE back in Season 1!  Why did he do this?  What made him so depressed?  I would really love to see this storyline explored (possibly through flashbacks) during Season 4.  And I think Mr. Paolo is up for the challenge . . .

10) If Nate only had a brain (and a decent storyline) . . .

It’s no secret that Chace Crawford is easy on the eyes.  But I THINK he can actually ACT too.  Although, you wouldn’t really know this from watching Gossip Girl, of late.  In recent episodes, it seems as though Nate’s only function is be the sex toy for whatever lady happens to desire his “services” at the moment.  If GG was a porno (and sometimes I wonder if it is), Nate would be the Pizza Delivery Guy.

Earlier in this post, I saved you writers A LOT of screentime by nixing storylines for Dan, Vanessa, and the Upper East Side Parental Units (except for, of course, Awesomely Dead Bart Bass).  Let’s fill some of that screentime with a meaty Nate storyline — perhaps, one that doesn’t involve him taking his clothes off at the the first opportunity . . .

There you have it GG fans, my Wish List for Season 4 of Gossip Girl.  Oh, and if, by chance, you happen to be experiencing GG-related withdrawal symptoms this summer, I recently came across an EXCELLENT Gossip Girl blog site, that will be sure to satisfy all of your OMFG needs.  Here’s the link:

http://chuckandblairtheperfectpair.wordpress.com/

The writers of the site are VERY nice, and will be happy to assist you. (Just don’t mention the whole “Chenny” thing to them.  You might make them angry . . .  ;))

XOXO

“Your V is Showing . . .” – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Sixteen-Year Old Virgin”

You’ve really gotta hand it to Gossip Girl.  Even when the show seems like it’s being a hypocrite, it can surprise you, by proving that it is not afraid to call itself out on its own BS . . .

Of course, I am referring to the moment when the unabashedly sluttiest teen drama on television suddenly became all morally aghast, when its youngest cast member contemplated offering her V card to a slightly older man (Slightly older being 19, mind you). 

19!  He’s practically got one foot in the grave, already!

But as I said, our fave nighttime soap is nothing, if not self-aware.  And our Upper East Side sexpots more than redeemed themselves by the episode’s end.  Sure, “The Sixteen-Year Old Virgin” ‘s plot twists were a tad on the predictable side (I guessed two out of three within the first ten minutes.)  But that didn’t make it any less fun to watch . . .

So, without further adieu, let’s strap on our Jimmy Choo’s, sneak out of Daddy’s house, and get ready to get de-flowered . . .

Get thee to a nunnery, go!

Jenny Humphrey , circa 2080 . . . still grounded.

Contrary to what I might have thought upon viewing the conclusion of last week’s episode, Jenny did not , in fact, run away from home to shack up with Drug Dealing Damien / Poor Man’s Jared Leto.

Instead, she obediently followed her father to Brooklyn.  But all was not as it seemed . . .   After “good” Little J kissed her Daddy goodbye, and headed off to school, she (gasp!) REMOVED HER PONYTAIL!

Long hair = The Devil’s Playpen

So, of course, Jenny cuts class and heads off to La Casa de Drug Dealing Damien.  It only takes a few seconds of half-hearted necking, before Ole’ Horndog rears his ugly head (no pun intended).  “When I date someone, sex is usually part of the equation,” explains Jordan Catalano Damien, matter-of-factly. 

(Yes, Damien.  Because discussions about mathematical formulas are always such a tremendous turn-on for us girls.)

E = MC Screwed?

After some more subtle-as-a machine gun hints from the Suave Big D, Little J agrees to do the deed with him that night after school.  Stop me if you’ve heard THIS one before . . .

Unfortunately, for our Craptastic Cassanova, Big Daddy Rufus has grown wise to Jenny’s cutting class to canoodle with Sir F*cks A Lot.  So, like any Proud Papa, Rufus rallies the troops for a rescue mission.  Jenny’s Big Brother, Dull Ass Dan, can give two sh&ts about what, or who, his little sister is doing.  After all, he’s too busy contemplating whether or not to “go public” regarding the most boring relationship in television history . . .

Just looking at these two puts me to sleep . . .

Slutty Serena and Pornstar Pizza Delivery Guy Nate, however, go ABSOLUTELY BALLISTIC!  “Jenny can’t possibly cash in her V-Card!  She’s WAY TOO YOUNG!”  They exclaim, in horror.

Sidenote: If you recall, Nate lost his virginity at age 16 to Serena, as shown in flashbacks of the event (and in those now-famous promotional posters for the show), which were said to occur months prior to the show’s first episode.

Although not explicitly stated, it is implied that Serena lost hers MUCH earlier . . .

A photograph of Serena Van Der Woodsen and her first “serious” boyfriend . . .

Fortunately, Serena has an ingenious (and by “ingenious” I mean “mind-blowingly” dumb) plan to rescue Jenny’s Flower from Drug Dealing Damien’s evil clutches.  The plan involves Serena seducing Damien and Nate coordinating it so that Jenny will catch him in the act. 

 (Don’t you love how Serena’s schemes always seem to involve her getting naked?  If I recall, her equally “ingenious” plan to get her absentee father to notice her also involved her slutting it up with random guys.)

Oh, the sacrifices I make for the ones I love . . . (and kind of . . . sort of . .. like . . .  a little bit).

Damien, however, proved himself to be smarter than I thought he was, and didn’t fall for Serena’s not-so-nefarious plan.  But Nate takes matters into his own hands, by calling in the Daddy Squad.

Have no fear, Deputy Killjoy is here!

Rufus returns Jenny to the high-security prison that is his Brooklyn apartment.  There Dumbass Dan finally wakes up from his Vanessa-filled stupor long enough to tell Jenny not to “do it” with Damien, because she is only 16.  “When you were 16, you were in love with Serena, and everybody thought it was adorable,” retorts Jenny.

Touche, Little J!

Later, Serena berates Nate for not trusting her “ingenious” plan and for calling Rufus.  Nate responds that he had to prevent Jenny from screwing at all costs, because she is just so darn cute and innocent at 16.  “Not like me, who was such a major slut at 16!”  Serena seethes.

Hey, would you look at that shoe your wearing!  It fits!

Nate then proceeds to detail all of the people Serena had been rumored to have screwed prior to age 16.  Serena tells him not to believe EVERYTHING he hears, but doesn’t exactly deny having been sexually active prior to her encounter with Nate. 

All sarcasm aside, I LOVED this exchange between the two of them!  As I mentioned in my intro, Gossip Girl is well aware that it is a slutty and trashtastic teen soap.  For better or worse, the show is never afraid to own up to that fact, even during an episode like this one, which was obviously meant to promote more chaste ideals . . .

Need I remind you of this photograph ?

Nate later apologized to Serena for his faux pas, recalling how much he loved her, even at age 16, and how devastated he was by her sudden and abrupt post-coital disappearance.  He seemed sincere.  However, I couldn’t help but wonder whether Nate’s over-protectiveness of Jenny went just a bit beyond typical “brotherly concern.”  Watch out Serena, I smell a love triangle . . . AGAIN.

Although Rufus does a fairly good job of keeping Jenny locked up in her fairytale tower (where all the virgin princesses stay), the latter somehow manages to reunite with Drug Dealing Damien at the episode’s token hoity toity social event, a dedication of a museum wing to Chuck Bass’ Dead Dad. There, Drug Dealing Damien clocks Nate in his pretty boy face . . .

 . . . too pretty not to include in my recap.

. . . and escapes with Jenny directly to his apartment and The Bedroom of Abandoned Flowers . . .

Another one bites the dust?

And just when it looks like Little J is about to become minus one Big V, Don Juan Damien makes some “seductive” comment about how sex is “no big deal.”  Seriously?  Could this guy be a bigger moron?  Jenny comes to her senses and escapes.  And her Flower lives to see another day, which is more than I can say for the rest of the cast . . .

When Bad Acting Happens to Bad People . . .

Back on the Upper East Side, in Chuck and Blairville . . .

Still love these two . . .

Chuck is bonding with his “Mommy Dearest.”

Unfortunately, her complete inability to emote, and her monotone delivery of every single line she utters, proves her to have graduated from the Ben Stein School of Acting . . .

Bueller . . .  Bueller . . . anyone?

Unfortunately, Chuck is too preoccupied to notice his “mother’s” clear lack of a personality and soul.  After all, he is facing a boatload of sexual harrassment charges made against him by patrons of the hotel he owns.  Blair impresses me yet again, by not believing this hogwash for even a moment.  The timing of these law suits just seems a tad too convenient, coming right on the heels of the dedication of a museum wing to the late Bart Bass.  The couple’s suspicions appear to be confirmed when Chuck’s Uncle Jack returns to the scene with designs on Chuck’s hotel.

EEEEVILLL . . .

Perhaps to illustrate that his loss of Bass Industries’ to Lily Bass has left him destitute and desperate, the Elder Bass now sports a ridiculous mountain man-esque moustache and beard.  Uncle Jack confronts Chuck and causes him to doubt the veracity of Mamma Bass’s claims of maternity.  Chuck grows even more suspicious of Mommy(?), when she backs out of the museum dedication party upon hearing that Uncle Jack will be there. 

 Despite Blair’s protests, Chuck orders a DNA test to ascertain whether Mamma Bass is truly his Mommy.  However, when he is discussing the matter with Blair, Lady Bass overhears him.  With a stiff, heavily Botoxed face, we have to assume is “very hurt and angry,”  she (boredly) stalks off.  Chuck decides to have the DNA test done anyway . . .

Later, Chuck’s Creepy Lawyer, who also appears to have attended the Ben Stein School of Acting with Mamma Bass . . .

What can I say?  We have a great financial aid package . . .

 . . . informs Chuck that the ONLY way out of this scandal is to give up the hotel temporarily to another member of the family, until things die down.  Already, my BS meter is going off the charts.  Come on, Chuck!  Bad actors just can’t be trusted!

Of course, Evil Jack Bass is waiting in the wings to take over the hotel.  But “fortunately” Chuck has another option.  You see, the DNA test Chuck ordered proved Mommy- Can’t-Act-For-Crap Bass is, in fact, related to him.  So, Chuck promptly turns over the hotel to HER, to apologize for doubting her parentage.  Mommy Bass accepts . . .

In the final moments of the episode, in a plot twist, that, by now, should surprise, precisely NO ONE we learn that Creepy Lawyer, EVIL Uncle Mountain Man, and Mama Bass are in cohoots . . .

In other, really dull news, Dan and Vanessa have decided to go public as a couple.  In other, less dull, and slightly surprising news: (1) Lily and Rufus have reconciled; (2) Rufus never slept with that trampy neighbor lady; (3)  and Lily may have been seeing Bily Baldwin  . . .

Dr. Van Der Woodsen, NOT to screw his brains out, as we once thought, but to seek treatment for her OWN, as of yet, unknown medical condition.

So, in conclusion, Mamma Bass is an Ass.  And neither Little J, nor Drug Dealing Damien, nor Rufus, nor Lily are getting any loving . . .

Until next week, XOXO!