Tag Archives: betrayal

Hooked on V, Worked for ME! – A Recap of True Blood’s “9 Crimes”

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  After having a week off to enjoy some fireworks, eat burnt barbecued weiners, and get wasted on cheap beer, our favorite Bon Temps residents returned this week to do even more BAD THINGS.  As you may have noticed from the title of this post, this True Blood episode was entitled “9 Crimes.”  Since, to my knowledge, the title was never explicitly explained in the context of the episode, this forced me to break out my trusty old Criminal Law book . . .

Lo and behold, there were NINE CRIMES committed during this episode.   These crimes were (in no particular order): breaking and entering (Tommy Merlotte at Sam’s house); theft (Tommy from Sam again); squatting (Sam’s white trash biological family); falsifying evidence (Andy Bellefleur re: the circumstances surrounding Egg’s death); extortion (Jason to Andy re: same); dealing illegal narcotics (Eric, Pam, Lafayette re: V); kidnapping (Franklin to Tara); assault and battery (Franklin to Tara); murder? (Lorena, Bill, and Russell to that stripper chick – implied).  Actually, there were way MORE than nine crimes committed in this episode. But this is True Blood, not Law and Order.  And there’s really no need to get technical . . .

So, without further adieu, let’s get criminal.  Shall we?

Alcide Gets Shirtless.  TV Recapper Wins Twenty Bucks

Clearly Joe Manganiello is basking in the glory of our mutual win.  Hence, the cool shades . . .

Not to toot my own horn, but . . .

Toot, Toot!

Last week, I entered into a friendly wager as to when Joe Manangiello’s character Alcide Herveaux, would take off his shirt, and reveal those god-like man pects of his.  I bet that THIS would be the week he did it.  The VERY FIRST SCENE of the episode proved me right!

Now, even though Alcide is very much the “new suitor in town,” and I am still a Sookie / Eric girl all the way . . .

. . . I must admit that the chemistry between these two was pretty palpable.  And the fact that they were both obviously fighting their feelings for one another, made the whole scene even hotter. 

When the episode begins, Sookie is in Alcide’s bedroom, “nursing” his wounds, all of which are conveniently located in the oh-so-sexy abdominal and lower back region.  (See?  Even Evil Drug Addicted Werewolves can appreciate the value of a pretty face.  Alcide’s didn’t have a scratch on it.) 

As Sookie fondles him  treats his wounds, the two discuss Alcide’s ex, Debbie.  Feeling obvious sympathy for Alcide’s “man pain,” Sookie allows her hand to linger affectionately on his shoulder.  In a highly sexually charged moment, Alcide notices the hand, and looks at Sookie.   They share “a moment.”  A moment that is interrupted when Cock Block Bill calls . . .

It Takes a “Real Man” to Dump His Lady, Via Telephone (and by “Real Man,” I mean “Spineless Turd”)

“Can you hear me now, A**HOLE?”

Yep, this was the episode where Bill “dumped” Sookie, to save her from a life of boredom and bad sex danger, sadness, and lethal threats from powerful vampires.  Oh, and this wasn’t your Garden Variety Dump, either.  Bill may be dull beneath the sheets, but when it comes to making a girl feel like crap, this dude is a CHAMP! 

In this lovely conversation, Bill tells Sookie that he has VOLUNTARILY left her, and that he is now with Lorena.  “Me and Lorena just made love.  We f*&ked like only two vampires can,” explains Bill, conversationally, bringing back to my mind that oh-so-passionate “head-turning” scene from the last episode.

Yeah . . . thanks for the memories, Vampire Bill.

I REALLY wanted the typically Spunky Sookie to fight back, after receiving this AWFUL treatment from the guy who had, just a few episodes back PROPOSED to her.  But, I guess she was caught off guard.  Because, despite all the d-bag things Bill was saying to her, Sookie just kept blubbering on and begging him to reconsider.  HELLO!   HE CHEATED ON YOU . . . with HER . . .

 . . . and told you SHE was better in bed than YOU.  What more evidence do you need to BEAT this MO FO?

“Don’t try to find me.  I do not wish to be found,” Bill finally concludes, before HANGING UP ON HER!

“Oh no you di-n’t!”

Alcide tries to comfort Sookie, having recently experienced a similar dumping of his own, at the hands of Trashy Debbie.  Unfortunately, the wolfman appears to be missing a sensitivity chip.  “No matter how well you think you know someone, they always end up kicking you in the nut sack,” Alcide sweetly offers.

“I don’t have a nut sack,” replies Sookie, dumbfounded.

You do now . . .

Alcide then puts his big muscular manly arm around Sookie  She inexplicably sniffs his armpit (yum), and nestles her head in his chest.  “You feel so warm,” she says flirtatiously (Good ole Sookie, always a STAR at hitting on men, even when in the midst of a crisis).

“It’s a werewolf thing.  We always run hot,” replies Alcide.

Truer words have never been spoken . . .

Gentlemanly Alcide, not wanting to take advantage of Sookie during her time of need (damn!), rises from the bed (no pun intended).  “You probably want some privacy,” he mutters.

“That’s the last thing I want,” answers Sookie, coyly.  (Wow, the girl is RELENTLESS.)

“Well . . . let me at least put a shirt on,” Alcide demands, before leaving the room.

Did he just say what I think he said?  A boy in True Blood who WANTS to keep his shirt on?  He MUST be new . . .

A Dream is a Wish Your Weiner Makes . . .

You know who has NO problem taking his shirt off, and taking advantage of Sookie during her time of need?  THIS GUY . . .

A few scenes later, we see our favorite Viking Vampire standing outside Sookie’s window.  The only problem?  Sookie’s window is on the third floor.  “Can all vampires fly?”  Sookie inquires, after inviting the second hunk of the evening into her bedroom.  (Girl wastes NO TIME.)

“Can all humans sing?” Eric quips in response, as he moves toward her seductively.  “How goes the search?”

“Turns out [Lousy Lay, Phone Dumper Bill] is not what I was looking for,” Sookie replies, grabbing Eric’s open black shirt with her fingers and clawing at its buttons.

She inhales Eric’s scent (apparently, girlfriend REALLY likes to sniff), and is taken aback by the fact that he has one.  “You smell like the ocean in winter.  Bill doesn’t smell like anything at all.  How is that possible?”

That’s because Bill is BORING and I am AWESOME!  It’s not possible,” whispers Eric, who is so turned on by Sookie, that he has been rendered completely incapable of making snarky and very obvious comebacks about Bill’s lack of stamina.  His eyes roll back in his head in ecstacy.

“You used to play by the North Sea as a boy,” explains Sookie.

Eric’s eyes widen.  He blinks back tears.  He has never met anyone who understood him this way, who saw him as more than a cold (but very hot) vampire enforcer.  “I can smell your memories,” continues Sookie.  “I’ve got skills you can’t even dream about.”

Suddenly, the two are kissing one another ferociously, hands in eachothers’ hair, nails clawing at eachother’s necks.  And it’s SO HOT and DIRTY, it makes the previous scene with Alcide look like Sesame Street.  Sookie pushes Eric down on the bed, and allows her nightgown to fly away with the breeze from the open window, leaving her in just a bra and panties.  She straddles him and says, “Want some more?”

But her voice sounds different . . . because it isn’t her . . . It’s Yvetta.  Eric “awakens” in Fangtasia.  Yvetta is giving him a lapdance.  The sex scene . . . it wasn’t real.  Eric looks depressed.  So are we . . .

Sam and his Stray Dogs (and Baby Vampires)

“The most exciting thing about my trailer trash family storyline is ME, and how good I look with my shirt off.  Too bad you didn’t get to see it this week.”

Sam wakes up in the middle of the night to find a “bird” trying to get into his safe.  Of course, the “bird” is none other than his ass hat new brother, Tommy.  Sam responds to this breaking and entering / theft by OFFERING TOMMY A JOB AT MERLOTTE’S!  Huh?

“What? I don’t look like a model employee to you?”

Santa Sam also offers to get his Ma and Pa a place to live, when he learns that they’ve been kicked out of their home, and have been squatting in his parking lot for days.  Bad Move, Santa!  I know they are supposed to be his family and all, but I just don’t trust these folks.

In addition to rescuing Ma, Pa, and Tommy, Sam also offers a waitressing job to the now-orphaned Vampire Jessica, a plot development I am actually really excited about.

“Welcome to Merlotte’s can I take your order?  Tonight’s specials include a nice big bite on your neck, and a highly painful death.”

The only problem is that, now that she is out in the open, Vampire Jessica is bound to run into people from her previous life.  This means she’s going to have to keep “glamouring” cute boys into forgetting her existence, like that adorable little bible thumper, who visited her in the bar during this episode.  But, hey, at least that means she can’t meet other men.  So, there is still hope for Hoyt . . .

I miss these two together.

Tara Thornton Can’t Catch a Break . . .

“Sookie gets Alcide and Eric in a SINGLE episode, and I get THIS?  Are you SERIOUS?”

Things just went from bad to worse for Poor Tara, after she was forced to let Franklin into her home, at the end of last week’s episode.  First, Franklin glamoured her into giving up information about Sookie’s relationship with Bill.  He then used her as a puppet, putting words into her mouth, when she called Sookie to ascertain the girl’s whereabouts.   According to Franklin, his “employer” was interested in finding Sookie.  But we don’t know who that is yet.  Or do we?

Franklin then threw Tara up against the wall and gave her the nastiest tongue kiss EVER, before tying her up and gagging her in Sookie’s home!  The next day, Franklin kidnaps Tara and takes her on a little “road trip”  to see none other than the Big Gay Vampire of Mississippi, and Bill’s new boss himself, Russel Edgington.

Is it just me, or does this guy have his nose in EVERY plotline this season.  Russel is SO the new maenad!

To add further insult to injury, Russel’s boy toy, Talbot, thinks Franklin brought Tara as food, and he’s NOT INTERESTED.  “Ugh, she’s skinny,” he scoffs.  Ouch.

“Were”‘s The Beef?

Although initially reluctant to help Sookie continue her search for ass hat Bill (He even called her a “doormat,” lol.), Alcide ultimately changes his mind when he learns from Sookie that his ex Debbie is hooked on V, and getting initiated into the Evil Operation Werewolf pack that night.  Sookie found this information out from Alcide’s cool, albeit uber-trashy, hairdresser sister, Janice, who was WAY disappointed when she found out Sookie wasn’t already boning Alcide.

When Janice learns that Sookie is heading back to Lou Pine’s were bar, she eagerly offers to give Sookie a “make under” so that she will fit in better.  Apparently, the werewolves in Mississippi left their fashion sense back in the 1980s, and country girl Sookie is just way too wholesome (and modern) to mesh well with the rest of the gang.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a picture of the actual Skanky Sookie, but I CAN tell you, that she ended up looking something like THIS . . .

 . . . except with a black wig, instead of a pink one, and .  . . you know . . . NOT Natalie Portman.  But you get the idea.

At Lou Pine’s, Alcide has a painful run in with Fug Debbie and her Hideously Greasy She Mullet.  (Would someone explain to me WHY a guy like Alcide would EVER consider dating a girl like THAT, let alone pine for her?  Because to me, it just defies explanation.) 

In a conversation that closely paralleled Sookie’s with Bill, Debbie tells Alcide she’s moved on to a better man, or perhaps more accurately, a better wolf — a wolf who’s name is just an “er” ending short of being REALLY unfortunate.

“The fact that you are hot, and have muscles, is the ONLY reason you didn’t get your ass kicked in elementary school . . . COOTER.”

Debbie’s initiation ceremony begins with a familiar face meeting her on stage . . . Bet you can’t guess who .  . .

I TOLD you, he gets his nose in everything!  So, apparently, Russel has been the V supplier of these werewolves all along.  The wolfmen bow down to him, as he bites his own wrist, and allows its blood to leak into a bevy of shot glasses.  All of the wolves drink the blood eagerly, except for Alcide, of course, and Debbie, who isn’t aloud to drink or else “her brand will heal.”   Debbie screams in pain, as she is fondled by a bunch of ugly weres and marked with a hot cattle brand.  I’d actually feel bad for her, if she wasn’t such a raging b&tch.

Then, either because it’s a full moon, or because they simply got excited by the branding ceremony, the entire bar starts to morph into actual werewolves, including Alcide.  His eyes yellow, as he literally BARKS at Sookie to run away.  Elsewhere, Vampire Bill is alerted to her danger by his internal Sookie Alarm, which apparently is unaware that the two have already broken up.

Mr. Bill has Gone BAD!

This week, Vampire Bill continued his downward spiral into vampiric evil.  Last week, I admitted thinking that his  recent evil deeds kind of made him seem interesting and hot.  This week?  Not so much . . .

After breaking Sookie’s heart into a thousand pieces, Vampire Bill had another joyless roll in the hay with Evil Lorena.  He then literally threw her out of his room.  With Lorena’s nasty sex juices still on his body, he went downstairs to have a little chat with Big Gay Vampire of Mississippi, Russel.

There he is again.  Busy little bee, that Russel.

Bill offered Russel information about Queen Sophie’s commandeering of Vampire Eric to illegally deal V in Louisianna.  (What?  Do ALL Vampire Kings deal their own blood now?)  He did this in exchange for the death of Lorena, the lady he just laid.  So, basically, Bill screwed Lorena (twice), as well as, Eric, Pam, and Queen Sophie, in just a matter of minutes.  And Eric said Bill didn’t have stamina . . .

Later that evening, at Russel’s behest, Bill finds a sad young stripper for Russel and Lorena to eat.  He watches her be tortured to death for a little while, before taking a few bites for himself.  How’s that for a gentleman?

“At least after I ate, I said thankyou.”

A Kinder, More Sensitive Vampire Eric (who still knows how to kick some ass)

If Vampire Bill was showing his dark side this week, and displaying his truly douchy qualities, Vampire Eric was doing quite the opposite.  In addition to sweetly pining over Sookie during the episode’s first half, Eric also came to Lafayette’s rescue when he got into some trouble, while trying to deal V to some uninterested clients.  He also ingeniously nicknamed Lafayette, “RuPaul.”

 Good one, Eric!  Fellow Nickname Champ, Sawyer (from Lost) would be proud!

As the two drove away in Lafayette’s brand new ride, provided to him by Eric himself, Eric attempted to give the adorable gay man advice on “sales techniques” and “catering to different demographics.”

“Hooker, I am SO Team Eric now.  You have NO idea!”

Unfortunately, the bromantic buddy session was cut short, when Eric learned that the “Magister” was raiding Fangtasia.  Apparently, after his informative conversation with Vampire Bill, the annoyingly omnipresent Russel Edgington tipped off the Magister to Eric’s V dealings.  When Eric returns to the bar, he finds his “child” Vampire Pam, being bound and tortured by the Magister’s goons.

The good news is, you get to be a series regular this season, Vampire Pam.  The bad news is, it looks like you get to spend a good portion of the season as damsel in distress. . .

When the Magister threatens Vampire Pam’s life, Vampire Eric is visually distressed over the thought of losing his “child.”  He will do anything to save her, even if it means throwing Vampire Bill under the bus for being behind the V dealing.

Payback’s a b&tch, isn’t it, Vampire Bill?

In OTHER news. . .

Andy Bellefleur is the new sheriff of Bon Temps!

And while I think Andy will make a FABULOUS sheriff, I couldn’t help but giggle at fellow cop, Kenya, and her sour grapes assessment of the whole thing.  “Apparently, all you need to do to become sheriff in this town, is drink like a fish, hallucinate farm animals, and shoot potential murder suspects.”

Special thanks to Kenya for reminding me of one of my FAVORITE running jokes from Season 2. 

Also, the typically angelic (and gorgeous) Jason Stackhouse . . .

. . . was uncharacteristically a**hole-esque this week, when he picked on a high school football star out of jealousy, and tried to blackmail Andy into making Jason into a cop, without having to go through the proper protocol.  And while I was really MAD at Jason, for treating his loyal pal so shabbily, if his actions pave the way for more “buddy cop” moments between these two in episodes to come, I think can manage to forgive it.

What I CAN’T forgive, however, was that Jason’s SHIRT was ON the entire episode!  Fix that next week, Alan Ball!  Please?

 

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For Your Lack of Consideration: A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Inglorious Bassterds”

First “The Hurt Locket,” now “Inglorious Bassterds?”  Looks like SOMEONE on the writing staff has an Oscar fetish . . .

A LONG, LONG time ago (1993 to be exact), LONG before many Gossip Girl fans were even alive, let alone allowed to see R-rated movies, there was a film called Indecent Proposal.

The movie revolves around a young married couple (Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson), who lose their life savings during a game of roulette.  A wealthy older man (Robert Redford) swoops in to “rescue” the couple from financial ruin.  He offers to give the pair one million dollars (which was A LOT more money back then, than it is now).  The catch?  In order to receive the money, the wife must a spend one night with the older man.  You can probably guess what happens next.  But in case you’re curious, and your Netflix queue is already full, you can get a nice Cliff Notes-esque synopsis here.

Tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl was, in effect, a homage to this classic film, and a good one at that.  But before we delve into the tragic tale of Chuck and Blair, let’s get the less important stuff out of the way.  Shall we?

The Bitch is Back!

“Like I ever left . . .”

Just in case last week’s episode of Gossip Girl had the intended effect of making you feel sorry for Jenny Humphrey (what with her being roofied, and almost gang-banged, and all), tonight’s episode should bring you back down to reality.  It is Nate Archibald’s birthday.  So, his GF Serena is throwing him a bizarro surprise party that involves a bunch of rich snobs wearing Polaroid pictures of themselves around their neck (SO LAST SEASON!), and ripping them off one another, while playing an “intense” game of Assassin. 

Huh?  Since when did Gossip Girl get all prude and teetotaling on me?  OK, now maybe this is just because I’m not from the UPPER EAST SIDE.  But in my experience, birthday parties for 19 and 20-year olds typically involve attendees getting wasted and naked, not playing a glorified game of tag.  

“Assassin!  How fun!  Then, after that, we can play a rousing game of pin the tail on the donkey!”

Anyway, in order to maintain the birthday “surprise,” Serena has to institute that ever over-used television cliché of “let’s treat the birthday boy like crap, so he thinks we don’t care about him turning a year older.”  And, apparently, The Brilliant Nate has never watched a  sitcom in his life, because he TOTALLY falls for it!  So, when Jenny tries to use the “surprise” to her advantage, and plays the “I was roofied and almost raped.  Woe is me” card, Nate blows off Serena, and agrees to spend the day with Little J.  As a result, Nate shows up extremely late to his own “fun” party . . .

“We would have come earlier, Serena.  But I just couldn’t seem to get Nate out of bed . . .”

During the game of Assassin, Jenny and Nate are the last pair standing.  Jenny makes a show of waving the white flag, claiming that Nate is entitled to be a winner on his birthday.  However, when he comes to collect her picture from her neck, Jenny plants a sloppy wet one on his lips, and pulls his picture first, winning the game.  Nate reminds Jenny that he is Serena’s boyfriend, and that he and Jenny can only be “friends.”  But Jenny, being the psycho stalker determined girl that she is, refuses to give up hope that one day she will win her man.  Word of advice to Nate:  Cover your balls and hide your pet bunny!

Jenny Humphrey circa 2030 . . .

In other news, Vanessa and Dan’s plotline of the evening ACTUALLY involved an argument over whether they truly appreciated eachother’s writing abilities.  And then, at the end of the episode, Vanessa “betrays” Dan by applying to the same college program as him, without telling him that she is doing so.  Seriously?  I’ve seen more risqué plotlines on Sesame Street!

“Some people just wouldn’t know fun, if it jumped in the tub with them and squeezed their Rubbie Duckie.”

And now for the GOOD stuff!

If you recall, last week, the EEEEVVIL Jack Bass (played by Desmond Harrington) stole Chuck’s hotel (conveniently named “The Empire”) out from under his nose.  When the episode opens, Chuck approaches Jack, tail between his legs, willing to do ANYTHING to get back his precious building.  Money is no object, of course.  Unfortunately, what Jack wants is something, or rather, someone, that money can’t buy.  Or can it?

Later, at an expensive store uptown, Jack finds Blair eyeing a peacock-looking dress.  Jack informs Blair that he offered Chuck the hotel in exchange for a night with Blair (sound familiar?), but Chuck turned it down.  Jack explains to Blair that Chuck is too proud to accept his offer, and that only SHE can save the hotel for her boyfriend.  Blair initially balks at the idea, but reconsiders it, when Chuck tells her that his hotel is lost for good, and that he has no shot of ever getting it back.  When a package from Jack is delivered to Blair, later that evening, containing the peacock dress inside, Blair reluctantly puts it on, and heads off into the night.  Later, Chuck finds the empty box with the telltale letter inside, and immediately assumes the worst.

One peacock dress for one night spent with a pea-sized cock?

At the hotel, EEEVVIL Jack makes a show of attempting to seduce Blair, but she’s not having it.  She just wants to get this over with so Chuck can get his “Empire” back.  She issues Jack a contract, already signed by her, whereby Jack sells the hotel back to Chuck for a modest profit.  (Note to Blair:  Courts don’t look too favorably on contracts for which the main “consideration” is prostitution . . .  Just saying.) 

Blair makes Jack promise not to tell Chuck their secret.  (Yeah, because in the past, Jack Bass has been SUCH a man of his word.)

“You’re secret’s safe with me, Mistress Number 27!”

Jack agrees to Blair’s terms and signs the contract.  But he surprises her, by ending the engagement early, after doing nothing more than planting a chaste kiss on her lips.  WHAT?????  NO SEX???  NOT EVEN FROM EVIL JACK BASS?  CLEARLY, I AM WATCHING THE WRONG SHOW!

But this is when things really get interesting.  You see, according to Jack, CHUCK orchestrated this whole thing.  Jack claims that he forced Chuck to choose between the Empire and Blair.  And Chuck chose the EMPIRE!

By the look on Blair’s face, you could tell she TOTALLY believes Jack.  But my bullshit meter was going off the charts.    “He is so full of crap!  Don’t believe him Blair!”  I yell at my television, in vain.

What happens next, shocks the heck out of me.  Blair confronts Chuck and he . . . ADMITS THE WHOLE THING!  Chuck claims that he had to keep the terms of his agreement with Jack a secret, otherwise Blair never would have gone through with it.  Then, Chuck would not have gotten his hotel back. 

Blair, of course, dumps Chuck’s ass.  And Chuck is left alone with his Empire.  I hope Chuck got a lot of joy out having security escort Jack from the building, because something tells me, that’s the last time he’s going to experience any sort of pleasure for a LONG TIME!

Now, call me an idealist, but I’m still not entirely sure that Chuck actually DID agree to let Blair sleep with Jack.  Something about Chuck’s expression when he saw that empty dress box, told me that he was truly heartbroken over Blair’s decision.  It’s possible that Chuck lied to Blair in order to save his pride, because he couldn’t look at her, knowing all that she sacrificed for him.  I could be wrong.  But I HOPE I’m right . . .

Until next time . . . XOXO

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Et tu Barb? – A Recap of Big Love’s “Under One Roof”

Watch your backs, Big Lovers!  Tonight’s episode was all about betrayal.  Not a single character made it through the hour unscathed.  In fact, one character didn’t make it out alive.

 So, without further adieu, let’s take a look back at this blood bath of an episode, to find out who stabbed who, and which wounds were lethal . . .

She’s Baack!

While at a restaurant schmoozing a potential campaign contributor, Bill and Barb run into a very pregnant Anna, a.k.a the fourth wife that almost was . . . but wasn’t.  Doing a bit of mathematical calculation in their heads, Bill and Barb become instantly convinced that the bun in Anna’s oven is Bill’s.  Of course, the self-righteous Henrickson clan is certain that Anna should want nothing more than to rejoin “The Family” with her new baby.

Despite Anna’s pleas that the Henricksons leave her alone, the following evening, Bill and the wives arrive at the restaurant where Anna works to re-plead their case.  As far as they are concerned, the situation is a clear win-win.  After all, who wouldn’t want to join a family as healthy and functional as this one?

 

Clearly smarter than she looks, Anna blows them all off.  Later, however, she approaches Bill at his office to inform him that she has changed her mind.  Apparently, fifteen-hour restaurant workdays are not exactly healthy for a mother in her third trimester.  Anna proposes that Bill provide her with some monetary help.  In exchange, she will arrange for Bill to have some visitation rights, once the baby is born.  Anna conditions the agreement on Bill’s promise to keep the other wives out of the arrangement, because, frankly, they scare the crap out of her.

“Oh HELL no!  I absolutely refuse to become part of that loony family!  I’ll stay in your tummy forever, if I have to!”

Anna suggests that they hire a lawyer to draft a visitation agreement.  However, Bill assures her that such formal measures are not necessary.  He may be a D-Bag, but he’s no dummy.  After all, bastard children and political campaigns do not exactly mix.  The less evidence against Bill, the better  . . .

“Yeah, no sh&t, Sherlock!”

When Barb learns about what transpired between Bill and Anna, she is livid.  After all, any baby conceived during a Henrickson marriage is Henrickson property, as far as she is concerned.  (women and children apparently equal chattel, here in Big Love land).  Barb barges into Anna’s apartment and demands that she reconsider.   She is shocked to find another man there.    “He is my fiancé,” explains Anna.

According to Anna, her fiancé is aware that the baby Anna is carrying is Bill’s.  However, he is allowing Anna to receive help from Bill because he wants what’s best for the baby.  (Do you want to see a paternity test?  Because I sure do!  No man is that understanding.)

Barb remakes her lame argument about the baby being born out of “their” marriage.  This is the moment Anna chooses to drop her bombshell.  “The baby was NOT conceived during the marriage.  It was conceived before [Bill and I] were married.”

“Oh Billlllyyy!  You have some explaining to do!”

The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave . . .

The Henrickson’s not only had to deal with the woman who had abruptly re-entered their lives, they also had to cope with the one who just wouldn’t leave.  Evil publicist Marilyn, still intent on signing Bill’s casino to her client roll, finagles yet another meeting with Bill’s partners to make her pitch.  She goes one step further by approaching Barb with girl talk and sweets wrapped in a red bow.

 Beware of evil women bearing goodies, Barb . . .

Marilyn does a fairly good job of getting into Barb’s head, regarding the latter’s lack of equal standing at the casino, despite her being a full partner.  Marilyn then informs Barb about her pitch for representation of the casino – a pitch to which, of course, Barb was not invited.  Ultimately, Barb goes behind Bill’s back and signs Marilyn as casino representative, on his behalf.  Apparently, Bill is not the only one who can make agreements that affect The Family without the rest of The Family’s approval.

Not Without My Daughter!

Nikki’s “fashionable” new look

Nikki is appalled and disgusted when she learns that her “ex-husband” and the father of her child, J.J.,  is being “sealed” to her mother at the same creepy run-down motel where she lost her virginity at age 14.  When J.J.’s sister calls her to inform her that J.J.’s whole family is coming down for the “sealing,” Nikki begins to fear for her mother and her daughter’s safety.

To prove her independence, Nikki crashes the “wedding” dressed in “modern” clothes.  Or rather, she dresses in clothes she assumes are modern, seeing as she has basically  dressed like a pilgrim since birth.  Her sideways ponytail and short jean skirt were admittedly hilarious.  However, I think 1984 probably wants them back.  In all honesty, I haven’t seen Chloe Sevigny so poorly dressed since . . . this.

But I do feel a bit bad about harping on Nikki’s clothing, seeing as she was definitely the hero of this episode.  When Nikki learns that her 16-year old daughter is to be sealed to an older man, much like Nikki was sealed to J.J. in the past, Nikki breaks into the motel and gallantly comes to her daughter’s rescue. 

Getting Loco Down in Mexico

Things are going slightly better (at least, at first), for young Ben, as he bonds with his Crazy Grandma and Grandpa down in Mexico, while they attempt to carry out their “bird-brained” scheme to bootleg parrots across state lines.  Ben lies to his family, telling them that he is nursing his Grandmother’s broken foot.

Meanwhile, Ben and Grams are having a grand old time dancing (on both feet), eating shrimp cocktails, and talking about living together in Mexico.  Unfortunately, when they go to market to collect their parrots, things do not exactly go as planned.  Apparently, Ma and Pa Henrickson aren’t the only ones involved the bird racket.  The creepy mafia-esque polygamist Greene family like their birds as well, and aren’t big fans of competition . . .

Blind (and Dumb) Ambition

Much to the chagrin of the entire Henrickson family, Bill is determined that they come “out” as polygamists upon Bill’s election to Senate.  Under the flimsy rationale that it will help his campaign, he begins making rash decisions on the family’s behalf.  First, he decides to rebrand his “local family” casino by placing billboards for it outside of his voting district.  Then, he makes plans to purchase a larger campaign headquarters, despite the financial burden it will undoubtedly place on the increasingly cash-strapped family.

After meeting some unexpected opposition from his wives, Bill reveals his new “campaign headquarters” to his family.  These “headquarters” are not located in a stodgy warehouse, or office, but rather, inside a stately mansion.  Bill informs his wives that this is where he plans to move with them, after they come forward as polygamists.  According to Bill, it has always been his dream to have his entire family living under one roof.

Love Hurts (and Sometimes Kills)

Juniper Creek Trustee, Dale, and Albie are still involved in their heated love affair at the episode’s opening.  Unfortunately, their relationship cannot stay a secret for long.  Soon, Albie’s wife, Laura, finds the couple leaving their clandestine hideaway together.  Heartbroken, Laura begins to tip off the other trustees as to Dale’s sexual orientation. 

In a heart-wrenching speech, Dale confronts his religious leaders about his struggles with homosexuality.  He complains that although he has lived a righteous and religious lifestyle, he cannot change his sexuality, no matter how hard he tries to do so.  Still not satisfied, Laura approaches Bill about Dale and Albie. 

Bill meets Dale in secret to confront him with this new information.  Although he is sympathetic to Dale’s troubles, Bill has no choice but to ask him to resign, due to the obvious conflict of interest this presents with respect to the trusteeship.

Shoving the final nail in the coffin, Laura then confronts Dale’s wife and children with their patriarch’s secret.  In the last few moments of the episode, Albie enters the couple’s secret hideaway to find a dead Dale hanging from the rafters by his tie.

It doesn’t get much more intense than that, folks.  Tune in next week, to find out whether Bill can rescue his crazy parents and fairly sane, but Oedipal, son from the Mexican firing squad . . .

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